Women and Motherhood Based on the evolutionary psychology of parenting, Children tend develop a closer bond to mothers than fathers. That is typical and an expected normal trend in child rearing. Women carry the responsibility for nurturing children. Although fathers share in this wonderful experience; Love and Trust, Tenderness and Disappointment is first recognized in the person of a woman. Life is born of a woman. Humanity is brought forth because of a Mother. Every good sense is in the hands of the woman that rocks the cradle. All women share in the capacity to bear a child and experience motherhood. Universally, we consider females as the primary caregiver. But are all women capable of being a mother? Nurturance is a natural quality of women. But whether all mothers are nurturing or not, it is all a question answered in time. A woman and a mother are two different things. A Mother is both a woman and a mother but not all women can be a mother. Having a child does not always make you a mother with maternal sense. Maternal sense and motherhood are two different things. You don’t have to be someone else’s mother to have that “Maternal sense”. Maternal sense is having an innate capacity to respond to a child whether or not she is your biological child or not. Women have the maternal sense to aid, assist, and nurture their offspring. It is a natural sense in a woman. Maternal sense is built in. Motherhood is something assumed. A role that is perfected with the right maternal sense. That is the capacity to look into the welfare of the Child first. There are no schools for motherhood. It is why it is hard wired in the brain. Nature has its way of keeping the balance in Life. Nurturing an important “Bonding” task for all parents. It is both genetic and social skill. Lose it and you may never capture the lost time. It is a bond built between parent and child. It is an understanding between two hearts that supersedes words. Break it and you may live a lifetime of regret either covering up for your mistakes or destroying your own. In most absentee mothers or even fathers who have endorsed parenting to secondary caregivers come home undoing what was lost either in rehabilitation centres, psychiatric hospitals and other institutions that help maladaptive behaviours or emotional setbacks. It is what people hide within or pretend that eventually comes out. “I came across elderly women who haven’t found closure in what is called sibling rivalry. Fathers’ who still nurse a childhood wound and cannot cope with current parenting.” But I must say that not all fall into that category, what I wish to advance is the thought that quality parenting is finding time and finding out what needs to be prioritized at a given time or age of your child. These are basic instincts that secure survival – that is if you want to look at it from a very primordial way. All mammals are wired in that manner including human beings. So, we are surprised to hear stories of women who cannot be a mother. But that is a fact. A theory referred to as Parental Investment explains the certainty of genetic relationship / connection that explains why mothers are inclined to provide optimal care to their children. However, there are where women who do not possess such innate capability. In numerous news reports from around the globe, we have seen mothers who pimp their unwilling daughters, silence them when their daughters are sexually abused by their partners, see their daughters as their competitors or as objects for future use, or mothers who ignore the needs of their children. These abuse still exists and continues in homes where daughters are unable to voice out their silent tears. “Counselling these daughters who are currently either mothers themselves, or even as grandmothers, single professionals or still children is a heavy task. Unwrapping their horrible experiences and helping them find sense in their trials and difficulties can be a big challenge for a counsellor. It takes more than a degree in psychology and counselling to unravel such difficult situations.” Children and adolescent exhibit the most complex emotional scars that sometimes may not heal. However, they must be able to rise above the pain and live greater than the hurting. It also takes a grounded understanding of what motherhood is to heal broken souls. It requires an open mind and accepting heart to see that not all women are capable of motherhood. That there those who will not conform to the stereotype of a mother. Neither can you purge any daughter to swallow forgiving the unforgivable. Healing takes time. It takes its own course. No one can tell when, you will just know it. As they say, propose and the universe will dispose of. Always remember that the solution to heal the problem will not come from any external factor but to be able to draw the appropriate answers where your therapy and counselling will be based from. As counsellors or teachers, we cannot predispose someone to do something against her will. It is a process. Therefore, set realistic goals for emotional recovery. It proceeds following its own course over time. Flexibility and adaptability of the mind is necessary in counselling. It allows you get a good hold of the situation and gain an unbiased perspective of everyone in the play. With it you will be able to manage every aspect with a good heart and head sense. In situations like this, to lead is to follow. Forgiveness is an offshoot of the healing power of unconditional loving. Unconditional love is first experienced from pregnancy that flows through infancy and on. Tenderness and trust is experienced then established during child rearing. If the Biological mother is incapable then disappointment will leave a lasting impression on the child. A consistent surrogate mother may not suffice the genetic link but is better able to provide the proper nurturance. So, it’s a thought for Nature and Nurture. There are occasions when you meet both the mother and the daughter. One must avoid stereo typing concept of healing and forgiveness as well. The best decision must arise from and made out of the underlying condition. Every situation is different. Treating them accordingly is most helpful. Finding closure is the ability to look into the same incident without being emotionally affected by it. The capacity to narrate and draw the insights from it is Closure. To forgive does not always mean violated daughters and erring mothers or fathers live under the same roof only for the benefit of social conformity, financial convenience or the lack of caregivers. Healing cannot take place once it is forced. It will only do more harm than allow each one to move forward and find their respective lives. It likewise important to remember that there is a life above the hurting. A stable and consistent Counsellor is able to empathize and has the ability for compassion not just for the sake of being so but one who is naturally sensitive to people. It is not a superficial act of authority. It is never one who takes pride in her roles as marriage counsellor’s or marriage lawyers. One cannot make hasty conclusions and make recommendations because there is always the danger of making the wrong assessment, sufficient and necessary prudence is of course necessary. To make recommendations necessary for the situation to evolve. One who is able to see beyond oneself is the person who can heal them. The situation should not push you off the balance. Rather be the person who will bring them to centre – find their balance. Yet the right kind of balance is not to balance the situation but to look deeply in their life and find the mean between opposing experiences. That is balance in the proper sense. In a social environment, women create and maintain social networks that provide social protection. Survival is an instinct. It is present in all animals. During detrimental situations the “tend and-befriend” hypothesis, which allows for the mother to care for and protect the child, ensures offspring survival. When mothers violate their own children, it is best to separate the child from the mother to prevent further damage. When situations like this are presented to me, the thought in my head goes where does the cycle begin? The parent and the child are two separate cases to deal with. The race is to put a hold to further damage and set in track the life who still has a future. The importance of closure and moving forward. These women may be traumatized to a great extent but they still deserve to live a Life. Motherhood is a process. It is no easy task but a rewarding experience, and it extends to Grandmothers too. Older women invest in nurturing and caring for the grandchildren. Maternal grandmothers usually come to the rescue when their daughters are unfit as mothers. They pour their time and love since their genes flow in the child. In local terminology – we all call it “Luksong Dugo.” Reflectively it also ensures one’s sense of immortality passed on to the child. Maternal Aunties also share in this experience more than uncles. Child rearing practices have come a long way too. Brain development evolved to favour monogamous attachment at the same time bipedal abilities were developed. Upright movement also led to the development of females caring for their children by holding them in arms. Holding their infants in their arms is created a more intimate bond between mother and child. Upright bipedal abilities also developed stronger pairing bonds between males and females. Uprightness also served a closer and protective gesture among couples. The ability to recognize infant facial expression of emotion most especially pain allows women to develop a bond that leads to a secure attachment during child development. It is connected with sensitivity and empathy which are foundations for communication between mothers and infants. Reference readings: https://thoughtcatalog.com/jim-goad/2014/04/19-moms-who-killed-their-kids/ https://www.thoughtco.com/mothers-who-kill-their-children-971322 https://www.marieclaire.com.au/mothers-who-murder-their-children https://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=117377&page=1 Mothers who killed or attempted to kill their child: life circumstances, childhood abuse, and types of killing. J. Haapasalo, S. Petäjä Violence Vict. 1999 Fall; 14(3): 219–239. Saha, R., Singh, S. M., & Nischal, A. (2015). Infanticide by a mother with untreated schizophrenia. Shanghai archives of psychiatry, 27(5), 311–314. https://doi.org/10.11919/j.issn.1002-0829.215058 Hatters Friedman, S., & Resnick, P. J. (2007). Child murder by mothers: patterns and prevention. World psychiatry : official journal of the World Psychiatric Association (WPA), 6(3), 137–141. Hatters Friedman, S., & Resnick, P. J. (2007). Child murder by mothers: patterns and prevention. World psychiatry : official journal of the World Psychiatric Association (WPA), 6(3), 137–141. Dekel, B., Abrahams, N., & Andipatin, M. (2019). Exploring the Intersection Between Violence Against Women and Children from the Perspective of Parents Convicted of Child Homicide. Journal of family violence, 34(1), 9–20. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-018-9964-5 "Charity" by Guido Reni (1575-1642). Image: Public Domain. 'Madonna Litta' Leonardo da Vinci, circa 1490. Image: Wikimedia Commons. Maria Lourdes de Vera is the award winning author and artist of the book “Arts and the Creation Stories” She is a Registered Nurse and Licensed Secondary Teacher who gives lectures in different Schools, Colleges and Universities. In celebration of the National Teachers’ Month and the World Teachers’ Day, Marielou was invited to give a lecture on “Finding Arts in Teaching, Finding Teaching in Arts” at University of Sto. Tomas, College of Education. The 2015 Lecture Series celebrating Teaching and Learning Across Disciplines was sponsored by the Metrobank Foundation, Incorporated, Network of Outstanding Teachers and Educators ( NOTED ) in cooperation with University of Santo Tomas. Marielou was among the distinguished Educators in their own field of practice who shared their experience in teaching.