In Celebration of Elastic Waistbands
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About this ebook
This book celebrates the fact that we are complex people who have better things to think about than a number on a tape measure. After all, chubby is temporary, but laughter echoes forever.
In a style reminiscent of humorists Erma Bombeck and Dave Barry with a dose of Dorothy Parker thrown in for spice, Atwood pokes fun at herself and shares the lessons learned as she makes the same mistakes two, three, or sometimes 27 times.
The episodes in this book demonstrate valuable lessons such as:
1) How to achieve overnight success in only 50 years,
2) How to use your exercise bike as a coat rack,
3) Why Oreos should be considered as one of the major food groups,
4) How to have fun at work, and
5) How to enjoy the job search that follows having fun at work.
As Atwood explains in the Introduction:
"I am the proud founding member of the Elastic Waistband Society. I'm starting this society because I've realized that, while it's important to stay healthy, it's also important to give ourselves a little leeway for the occasional times when other things take priority.
So while I'm residing in the "elastic end" of the closet right now, I know that it's only a visit, not a permanent address.
This period in my life has helped me recognize that there are times when we need to give ourselves permission not to be perfect … and nothing does that more than the perfection of elastic waistbands.
These are the magic tools that allow us to be size 12 when, in all honesty, a size 14 would be more appropriate. These are the tools that show us how items can be stretched as needed and then, when the time is right, happily returned to their original size. And elastic also allows us to make full use of our investments at all-you-can-eat buffets.
This book celebrates those elastic times. It laughs at my misadventures in the hope that it will make you feel better about yours. It ensures that you know you're not alone in the dark end of your closet, whether dealing with inches or issues. Your elastic friends are right here with you. And we've probably brought brownies."
Christee Atwood
Christee Atwood found her way to her current position as a speaker, author, and training and development consultant by the scenic route. She started with a background as a radio and television host, moved into positions as a newspaper editor and columnist, then a Universal Studios tour guide (yes, she can really point to her left and her right), and she even tried a stint as a stand-up comic. She was so good at comedy that she swiftly left that profession and found herself in association management, working as an executive director of trade and professional associations. From there she sneaked into the corporate world and found out that there was something called Training & Development. She discovered that in this career choice, she could talk to groups and not have to dodge vegetables and other projectiles like she did in that comedy profession. The one common thread in what she calls her "career-induced A.D.D." was the desire to entertain, enlighten, and connect with others. And that's what led Christee to develop her mission for life – Linking Laughter & Learning. Christee is author of 5 training books for ASTD Press: • Succession Planning Basics, • Presentation Skills Training, • Manager Skills Training, • Knowledge Management Basics, and • Ultimate Business Skills: Training the Fundamentals. Her humorous books have included • Journal of a Midlife Crisis, • Three Feet Under, and • In Celebration of Elastic Waistbands: Episodes of Imperfection, Insanity, and Occasional Enlightenment
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In Celebration of Elastic Waistbands - Christee Atwood
***
In Celebration
of
Elastic Waistbands
Episodes of ImperfectioN, Insanity,
and Occasional Enlightenment
by Christee Gabour Atwood
***
Copyright 2010 Christee Gabour Atwood
Smashwords Edition 2012
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book, great! Do so by purchasing an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, please purchase your own copy so the author can afford to feed her pets. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author by not giving away copies of this book, especially to leprechauns, sasquatches, or wayward dust bunnies, who tend to be the most prevalent ebook thieves.
This book is available in print at most online retailers.
***
Dedication
To the incredible groups of friends I have shared elastic moments with throughout my life – including:
the Four Musketeers
the Three Laser Beams
The Friday Whine & Cheese Club
/the Girls Night Out Gang
The Baton Rouge Algonquin Table (BRATs)
The Thirsty Thursday Drinking & Writing Club
My Writing Muses
The Gabour and Atwood Krewes
as well as other, more socially acceptable organizations
that allowed me to be one of their members…
It took half a century for me
to truly appreciate what friendship means
in making the good times last
and helping the bad times pass.
And they’ve helped me realize that
there are only two kinds of people in the world –
Friends I have …
and friends I have yet to make…
***
Contents
Introduction: The Elastic Waistband Society
Chapter 1: Guidelines for Elastic Living
Accidentally Running Over my Bathroom Scale ... 22 Times
Chapter 2: The Dessert Cart on the Titanic
Chapter 3: A Stick by Any Other Name
Chapter 4: Flu-Like Symptoms and Epiphany
Chapter 5: The Battle of My Bulge
Chapter 6: Life, Libery, and the Pursuit of Chocolate
We're All Turtles on Fenceposts
Chapter 7: Friends Before Breasts
Chapter 8: The World's Oldest Profession – No, Not That One!
Chapter 9: Secrets of a Happy Marriage
Chapter 10: Thank You, Mr. Blue Car
Chapter 11: Perfect is in the Eye of the Beerholder
Work and Other Four-Letter Words
Chapter 12: Fun at Work ... Or How To Change Jobs Without Really Trying
Chapter 13: Workplace Slanguage
Chapter 14: Everything I Know About Work, I Learned From Television
Chapter 15: Dopey, Grumpy, Sleepy, and Me
Chapter 16: The Office WorkForest
My Inner & Outer Kids Are Having a Slapfight
Chapter 17: My Inner Child is a Dishonored Student
Chapter 18: Living on Borrowed Time
Chapter 19: The Power of Pink
Chapter 20: Updating My Cootie Shots
Chapter 21: Memories of PCU* (*Pants That Covered Underwear)
People I've Met & Missed ... and Associated Restraining Orders
Chapter 22: I Wish I had Known Eleanor
Chapter 23: Benny Da Bomb
Franklin and Me
Chapter 24: My Close Personal Acquaintance, Dave Barry
Chapter 25: But UnSeriously Folks
Chapter 26: A Finer Than Frog Hair
Gentleman
A-Parent Insanity
Chapter 27: The Sunday Afternoon Will Cheat for Chips
Poker Club
Chapter 28: Elderly Woman Thwarts Would-Be Purse Snatcher
Chapter 29: Throw Mama From the Bridge
Chapter 30: Starting the Next Ninety-Seven Years
Chapter 31: My Mother's In My Mirror
Hit and Miscommunication
Chapter 32: And, On the Eighth Day, A Committee Created the Camel
Chapter 33: Don't Try This at Home
Chapter 34: Working With Customers ... Or Holding a Cardboartd Sign by I-10
Chapter 35: The Five Questions You Should Never Answer
Chapter 36: I Got the Most Points ... in Golf
Domestic Violets
Chapter 37: Mr. Clean Goes on Vacation
Chapter 38: Losing Found Time
Chapter 39: Cat Toys, Hairballs, and Other Pursuits of the Superior Species
Chapter 40: Television, Internet ... and Cold Turkey
Chapter 41: My Cat Is More Popular Than I
Families, Clubs, Cults ... The Leery of Relativity
Chapter 42: The Atwoods and 2.5 Cats
Chapter 43: All Grown Up But Not Dead Yet
Chapter 44: A Club is Born, Dies, And Is Reincarnated
Chapter 45: The Doctor, It Hurts When I Do This
Association
Chapter 46: The Ack!-ARP Card
Attitude Altercations
Chapter 47: Zen and the Art of Nothing
Chapter 48: Happily Ever After ... After What?
Chapter 49: Being Happy Ruined My Life
Chapter 50: Taking a Humor Inventory
Chapter 51: What Else?
A Writer's Life: A Dog's Life Without That Interesting Ability to Lick Oneself
Chapter 52: Overnight Success ... The Fifty Year Method
Chapter 53: Writing a Book in One Month and a Few Fifths
Chapter 54: How To Write a Column
Chapter 55: National Novel Writing Month, a Chicken Suit, and Myron
Chapter 56: Virtually On Tour
Couching the Idea of Therapy
Chapter 57: Pressure ... It's Not Just For Cookers Anymore
Chapter 58: Being Assertive – If That's Okay With You
Chapter 59: An Impostor With Restless Leg Syndrome
Chapter 60: This Tape ... And My Reputation ... Will Self-Destruct
Chapter 61: The Expense of Being Brilliant
Chapter 62: Side Effects of Christee
Failure ... Makes Great Stories for Late-Night TV
Chapter 63: Failing Your Way To Success
Chapter 64: Lessons From a Chagrined Capuchin
Chapter 65: Principles and Vices of Principles
Chapter 66: Journaling, ADHD, and Shiny Objects
Chapter 67: I Prefer To Give My Age in Dog Years
Balanced & Unbalanced Lessons
Chapter 68: Thinking, Rethinking, and Drinking
Chapter 69: The Balancing Act
Chapter 70: We Are Not Alone
Chapter 71: Refrigerator Box Redecorating
Chapter 72: The Cynic's Quiz
Chapter 73: Never Watch a Saints Game With a Priest
Chapter 74: Lessons I Still Haven't Learned
Chapter 75: The Moral of These Stories
Appendix: Things I've Said and Things I Wish I'd Said
***
Introduction. THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND SOCIETY
I am the proud founding member of the Elastic Waistband Society.
I am starting this society because I’ve realized that, while it is important to stay healthy, it’s also important to give ourselves a little leeway for the occasional times when other things take priority.
So while I’m residing in the elastic end
of the closet right now, I know that it’s only a visit, not a permanent address.
This period in my life has helped me recognize that there are times when we need to give ourselves permission not to be perfect … and nothing does that more than the perfection of elastic waistbands.
These are the magic tools that allow us to be size 12 when, in all honesty, a size 14 would be more appropriate. These are the tools that show us how items can be stretched as needed and then, when the time is right, happily returned to their original size. And elastic also allows us to make full use of our investments at all-you-can-eat buffets.
This book celebrates those elastic times. It laughs at my misadventures in the hope that it will make you feel better about yours. It ensures that you know you’re not alone in the dark end of your closet, whether dealing with inches or issues. Your elastic friends are right here with you. And we’ve probably brought brownies.
What else do I, as the founding member of the Elastic Waistband Society, believe?
I believe that…
• A single waist size is the sign of a stagnant mind.
• Laughing at myself is an effective exercise.
• Seeing my feet can be done with a mirror.
• Exercise has caused more injuries than couches.
• Airbrushed model’s figures are not good goals unless we also have airbrushed lenses on our glasses.
• Thomas Hancock, the inventor of elastic is the most brilliant person since Mr. Einstein, and that Hancock’s birthday should be made a national holiday. (A side note here: He originally named the machine that created elastic the pickle
so no one would know what it was and steal his invention… Brilliant, I tell you, brilliant…)
• Being comfortable in a size 14 is more important than being miserable in a size 10.
• Supersizing can be just as much fun for me as it is for my drive-thru order.
• A big number on the bathroom scale is a temporary condition, but a big heart is forever.
• And finally, I believe that elastic is the perfect invention. It shows flexibility, a willingness to grow or tighten up as needed, and that giving myself a little breathing space is not necessarily a bad thing.
So there you have it. The tenets of the Elastic Waistband Society. We’re proud. We’re strong. And we’re elasticized. Bring on the all you can eat
…
***
Chapter 1. Guidelines for Elastic Living
I’ve created my own list of guidelines to help me stay focused in my elastic lifestyle.
These are things that I can use to measure my activities to see whether I should have taken a left turn at Albuquerque.
I’m listing them here in case you’d like to use some of these to create your own list of guidelines. That’s because the first guideline is to avoid reinventing the wheel. But it’s not on the list because I already told you…
So, before I add any more guidelines, here we go…
1. I will put on my oxygen mask first.
2. I will accept that sometimes life feels like I’m on the Titanic armed only with a tablespoon.
3. I will take expert advice with a grain of salt. After all Mr. Frankenstein was a doctor.
4. I will realize that work is a four-letter word without the same satisfaction.
5. I acknowledge that I’m only as old as I feel in my mind and there are no wrinkles in there.
6. I will enjoy the fact that romance is not one-size-fits-all.
7. I will not use an eraser. I will learn from – and revel in – my mistakes.
8. I believe that if God had meant for us to stay one size, he wouldn’t have invented elastic.
9. I say, Let the one among us who has never merged poorly, honk the first horn.
10. I realize that trying to manage time is like trying to put a tutu on a pig.
11. I will appreciate conflict. Without it, we’d be writing our emails on stone tablets.
12. I will never use the phrase, Stop acting like a child.
13. I will stop spending time at whine and cheese
parties.
14. I will try something new each day unless that something includes a bungee cord and a bridge.
15. I will look for heroes who don’t wear capes.
16. I will accept that other people can make me angry once, but only one person makes me stay that way.
17. I shall celebrate the fact that there is really no such thing as normal.
18. I will show off my warts so that they can’t embarrass me.
19. I will always expect to fall upward.
20. I will stop to smell budding roses, newly cut grass, and old books.
21. I know that whatever doesn’t kill me will make a great story. (And the thing that does kill me will probably make one too – just not one that I’ll write.)
22. I realize that life is not spent on the balance beam, but rather the seesaw.
23. I accept the fact that pets, not CEOs, are the superior species.
24. I will be myself. If I don’t, there’s a leftover name badge in the world.
25. I know that one person’s failure is another person’s sticky note.
26. I will learn that No
doesn’t require an explanation.
27. I will seek a lesson and a laugh in every story.
28. I will speak positively and carry a rubber chicken.
29. I will celebrate my successes, my failures, and my wrinkles.
30. I will not be embarrassed to be a fan.
31. I will enjoy being well-insulated.
32. I will stop looking for shortcuts and revel in the journey.
33. I will never regret a laugh line, cheering for a losing team, or a bite of chocolate.
34. I will never stop learning … and unlearning.
35. To be continued…
***
ACCIDENTALLY RUNNING OVER
MY BATHROOM SCALE…
22 TIMES
This section addresses our constant preoccupation with the bathroom scale.
This preoccupation causes us to try the scale in several locations, different rooms, and at various angles before getting the lowest possible weight.
We go through eras where our weight on that scale is the most important thing to us.
Then we go through times when the weight in our heart is what matters. And both times are equally vital to our survival … no matter what the designers say as they continue to make clothes that look good only on birch trees.
Does this section apply to you? Answer the following questions:
• Have you ever tried a diet with the word cabbage in the title?
• Do you find yourself continually buying new bathroom scales because this just can’t be right
?
• Do you think exercise is not as much fun as a barrel of monkeys?
If you have ever described yourself as big-boned,
this section is for you…
***
Chapter 2. The Dessert Cart on the Titanic
One of my favorite quotes of