In the Midst of it All

In the Midst of it All

A journey that proves with God all things are possible!

by

Anasia N. Hixon

In the Midst of it All

Anasia N. Hixon

Published by Exalted Publications, LLC at Smashwords

Copyright 2010 Anasia Hixon

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D E D I C A T I O N

This book is dedicated to my husband, Brian Hixon,

whose laughter, love and support keep me motivated and grounded.

To my parents, Alvin and Awildar Arnold,

whose sacrifices and prayers have given me a stable foundation.

1 C O R I N T H I A N S 13

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as a sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have no charity, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have no charity, I am nothing.

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.  8 Charity never faileth:  but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.  9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. 11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child:  but when I became a man, I put away childish things.  12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

God is Love

A C K N O W L E D G E M E N T S

Yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, and yes Jesus loves me for the bible tells me so! I remember my grandmother, Mattie Moore teaching my siblings and me the words to the popular church song while growing up. That song taught me at a young age that love was something personal and intimate. Love was something at the time I may have known little about, but definitely wanted to experience more of. As I reminisce on that particular moment, I realize the insight of this book is illustrated within the words of that great Gospel Hymn, which eventually lead me to seek my purpose in life.  I wrote this book to show everyone, that regardless of your past or present situations, love actually exists. For it is a gift given to us through our Heavenly Father, who first showed his love towards us through his only begotten son, Jesus Christ, who is the personification of love. Thus, I’ve realized since Jesus Christ is love and he abides within us, then we are loved and are capable of giving love; first to ourselves and then to others. It was through the lyrics of that gospel song where I found my first love, for it was in me all along. For it is through the love of Jesus that we are able and should love ourselves.

My only hope is that this book will enable people to see that regardless of their circumstances or their past hurts, trouble or mistakes; there is love in everything and it is everywhere. Genesis 28:16 – And Jacob awaked out of his sleep, and he said, Surely the Lord is in this place; and I knew it not.

First, I would like to dedicate this book to the uplifting of God’s Kingdom. He is truly worthy of all my praise and honor, because without Him I am nothing and can do nothing.  I am merely a vessel chosen to deliver a message that was placed in my heart and am delighted that He saw fit for me to fulfill this purpose. I thank God for his divine favor and the sacrifice he’d so freely given so that I may have the opportunity to be, called His child.  I would also like to thank Him for letting me know what true love is and being the perfect example.

Secondly, I would like to thank my husband, Brian Hixon, for his continued commitment, love and support through the years.  I thank God for placing you in my life to remind me of his goodness, grace and mercy.  It almost seems like yesterday when the vision of this book was born. I remember the conversation we had about finding what God’s purpose was for our life.  For in that conversation was born the desire to touch the lives of others while utilizing the gift of written and spoken words.  I pray that our mission together will bring Glory to God and that through our works one may come running asking What must I do in order to be saved?  I thank God for blessing me with a man who fears Him.  For I know God has joined us together and no man can put us asunder.  I love you!

To my wonderful parents, Alvin and Awildar Arnold, it is with great honor, respect and gratitude that I tell you thanks.  You gave me what I needed the most growing up and that was parental love and prayer.  It was through your teachings and God’s ordinance that I was able to see true love and grow in love on a daily basis. You have been my backbone. You were constantly protecting, guiding and showering me with the right teachings and discipline needed to raise a child with the fear of the Lord.  I thank God for saving you so you were able to teach me about salvation and truth.

My dear siblings, Alvin Arnold Jr. (A.J.) or as you like to be called Sexy Al, and Atoyia, thank you for your continued support and advice. We’ve always been there for each other and I thank God for blessing me with a brother and sister I can look up too.  You are my inspiration and it is through your lives that I am able to witness sibling love and the true miracles of Jesus.

To my grandparents, Mattie Moore & Maxine Arnold, I thank God for my praying grandmothers. Your constant and unwavering faith has been a wonderful example on the type of relationship to have with our Lord.  Because of you, I am able to reap the generational blessings God has in store for our families. The bible says’ - I’ve never seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging for bread. Thank you for your faithfulness. Most of all thank you for your prayers, words of wisdom and of course the good looks!

To my extended family, Larry and Linda Hixon and Ms. Lindsey.   Words cannot express the love I have for you.  You accepted and welcomed me into your homes and hearts without any hesitation.  Thank you for all the support and encouragement that you’ve shown through the years.  You mean the world to me and I thank God for the Christian life you have chosen to live.  Thank you for letting your light shine bright for through your works you’ve become a blessing to my life.  I love you!

To my Godparent’s, Dexter & Dana Gatson, you mean so much to me.  Uncle Dexter, thank you for being my other father and keeping me in check.  I love you for helping raise me like one of your own.  Aunt Dana, thank you for the womanly advice and for showing me what faith and prayer can do. Through your actions, I know that we are more than conquerors through Jesus Christ.  Thank you for living your life as a testimony of God’s undying favor, grace, mercy, and most of all-love.  Thank you both for your unconditional support and words of encouragement.  I am truly blessed to have Godparents like you.

To all my other family members, (The Arnold, Moore, Cook, Gatson, Hixon, and Packer Family), and host of wonderful friends.  I just want you to know that I am truly blessed to have every one of you in my life.  My heart is overwhelmed with joy.  For I know that it was your encouragement that gave me the ability to keep going even in the hard times. I thank God for you and continuously pray that he will keep and bless you, just as you’ve been a blessing to me.

I would also like to thank the individuals who help create this book.  To my editor, Marlon Walkethank you for having such a good eye and for paying attention in English classes. Your help and insight really means a lot to me. To my graphic designer, Trippett Graphics, thank you for seeing God’s vision and doing such a wonderful job.

Finally, to the living body of Christ.  I appreciate all the prayers brought to the Lord on my behalf.  I thank you for having the faith and speaking life into my situations.  I thank you for your friendship, loyalty, belief, vision for my life and-most of all-Love!

P R E F A C E

I begin to type with my eyes closed. My fingers spread across the keyboard in a relaxed position.  I sit in silence for a few moments trying to hear my heart and allow the words to speak to my soul.  I say a silent prayer asking God to give me the strength, wisdom and knowledge needed to complete what He has chosen me to do.  I close my eyes tighter, concentrating on the task before me.  I inhale a breath of fresh air before giving words to the scenes that begin to play in my mind.

I slowly picture the young, innocent and frightened face of a little girl.  I can tell by the glare in her eyes and the crack of the smile on her face that she’s trying to disguise her sadness.  She’s been emotionally abused and ridiculed about her appearance.  I can see the hurt as I watch her kneel down on her tiny knees in her pressed white dress, clinching her little fingers together and begging God to take away the ugliness she has harbored on the inside.  She begs Him to make her beautiful, because within her own heart, she believes this is her last resort in a desperate plea to feel wanted and accepted.  I am only able to get a glimpse of her as she lies down in bed, holding her little doll and dreaming of a better life. A life filled with true and unconditional love.  A life that can give her confirmation to know that God made her and that one day she’ll experience her beauty from the inside out despite her current circumstances.

I try desperately to block the next scene, but the image overrules.  I notice the deep pain hidden behind the hollow eyes of a young woman whose only desire is to know what it’s like to have the affection of a father.  She desires to have a man in her life to show her how men are supposed to treat women.  A man who would be her first love with no strings attached. Too young to understand why her father left, she begins to wonder: if she’d been a good daughter, went to bed when she was told or did a little better in school, would he have stayed.  Now her only desire is to find the true love that she’s been missing for nearly twenty years of her life within the arms of countless strangers only to feel numb to her own feelings and thoughts.  She wonders how her life would be if she just had one chance to experience love from her father, and ultimately, from herself.

Then, there appears an image of a mother, wife, and my favorite, the successful executive.   All these women have different pasts, yet they stand in the midst of their shattered dreams, and endless hope searching for a better future.  I can picture them smiling trying to hide the hurt, but when they look in the mirror, all they can see is the guilt, insecurities, anger and disappointment that have festered within their souls over the years.  They constantly reminisce, while pondering the question.  ‘What, if?’ as each woman finds herself yearning for more.  More joy, peace, appreciation, and acceptance in the midst of their despair. She yearns to find happiness, the true meaning of love and its depth.  She thought she would be able to find these qualities of a fulfilled life in the faces of her children, family, husband, friends and career.  She’s frightened that she’ll never feel accepted or forgiven for her past mistakes.  Within her eyes she holds the fear that she’ll never experience the true and unconditional love God wanted her to have.  I was that woman at one point in my life until I realized the truth about love. I learned that I couldn’t expect acceptance or love from others if I didn’t know how to give it to myself.

I sit in silence, wondering about the little girl, the young lady and older women who find themselves, praying at night for the same thing, only to wake up to the realization that their change has not occurred.  My deepest concern is that they’ll never get their opportunity to feel beautiful, accepted or even understand the truth about love because all they can see is their current circumstances.

A sharp pain tightens my grip upon the keyboards as the tears stream down my face.  I realize I’m crying for all the young ladies and older women in this world who don’t know how to cry for themselves.  I feel their pain and anguish as they silently scream, Lord, I just want something better!  However, they believe no one has heard their cry for help…until now.  Jesus has heard their cry and has answered their call.  Therefore, I pray this book will be the glimpse of light in their darkness to let them know that their tears or mine weren’t in vain. I pray that God will use this book to show them the way and give them strength to search for love in the midst of it all even when they feel it’s incapable of reciprocating that love back into their lives.  For I now intercede for the countless girls and women who want to know love in a world filled with hate, disappointments, sexism and betrayal. I write this book as a testament that true love really exists. It exists in the midst of all the pain, hurt, resentment, anger, fearlaughter and joy we experience in life.  For I have found the answer.  I’ve finally realized that God is the answer and his love exists for us in the midst of it all.  It’s just up to us to decide if we’re willing to take the journey needed in order to obtain it!  I did and the results are remarkable!

C H A P T E R 1

Reta lay quietly in the bed pondering her thoughts as she gazed at the small crack in the ceiling. The room was silent with the exception of the buzzing sound the rotating blades of the ceiling fan permeated while circulating the damp April air. Reta allowed her body to sink into the silk burgundy fabric as she drew in the atmosphere of her lovers’ bedroom.  Her eyes scanned the room noticing its settle yet masculine tones.  Shades of brown and cream outlined the African Art that neatly hung from the freshly painted walls.

Reta’s heart sunk into her chest as Darryl eased next to her tiny frame while breathing on her neck.  She tightly closed her almond shaped eyes attempting to block the guilt that suddenly enveloped her body.  What am I doing here?  Reta thought in silence as she turned toward the direction of the clock that sat on the cherry wood nightstand and watched in anticipation as the numbers slowly turned on the dial.  It was a little past one and it seemed as if the day was just coming to an end. She pulled the covers over her body and screamed, How could something so wrong feel so right she mumbled.

Reta knew she had an engagement to attend but couldn’t muster the courage to face Vanessa; her best friend and often times her conscious reincarnated into human form.  Reta knew Vanessa would not condone or approve of her current actions.  Therefore, she unconsciously chose to stay hidden behind the silk fabric of Darryl’s comforter in an attempt to escape the harsh reality of her sins.

The guilt and shame she felt crept up her chest and rolled down her spine without any warning.  She cringed as her Pastor’s voice echoed in her ear, "The wages of sin is death".  Reta wanted to run and hide, but could not muster the courage to get up out of the bed of sin she currently laid in.  Her sin tightened its grip around her throat and for a moment, she felt as if she was going to suffocate. Reta immediately removed the covers from over her face and slowly inhaled the stiff, damp April air.

She did not like going through life feeling this way. The guilt, embarrassment, and shame of it all suddenly seemed too much for her to bear. Reta knew she needed to change, but deep down inside was afraid she’d lose everything she worked so hard to get: her career, life-style and most importantly the new love of her life. Reta continued to lay quietly in the bed as her mind toiled with her thoughts.  Sin seemed to be a habitual part of her life and she knew she had to eliminate it before it bought more turmoil than what she was currently experiencing.

Although she was unsure if she would be able to do it on her own, Reta knew she had to take drastic measures.  Therefore, she swallowed her pride, wiped the perspiration of nervousness from her arched brow and made a promise to God that this would be her last time. Reta, hearing her phone buzz in her purse decided not to answer it.  Instead she remained in bed, closed her eyes and drifted off into a light sleep to escape the thoughts and doubts that continuously invaded her mind.

*****

Vanessa could feel the strong indignation of anger beginning to form.   She reached for her phone and pressed the speed dial to her best friend once again. She tried to pace her breaths to stop her heart from beating so fast.  For she knew, if she allowed herself to become over exhilarated, she was going to have a full- blown anxiety attack or worse, an I-want-to-beat-somebody down-attitude. After several rings, Reta’s voicemail picked up and Vanessa immediately slammed the phone shut, placing it on the silver table.  She slowly wiped her sweaty palms on the used white napkin and inhaled deeply trying to calm her nerves.  Her hazel eyes scanned the fast food eatery to see if anyone detected the sadness and anger that disseminated upon her oval shaped face.

Lord, I know I told that girl to meet me at 12:30, not 1:33, but 12:30! Vanessa said, sighing as she glanced at the Movado watch on her wrist.  It had now been more than an hour, and she had to leave soon to pick her children up from school. I’m going to hurt Reta, so help me God.Vanessa mumbled, stuffing a cold French fry in her mouth and taking a sip of lemonade from the medium Styrofoam cup.

The customers at the next table watched in anticipation, as she sat talking to herself. Vanessa immediately felt awkward and shifted her solid body to avoid the stares.  She crossed her legs, allowing her orange-wedged sandals to appear from under her jeans to make herself a little more comfortable in the booth.  Vanessa continued to avoid the other patrons as she picked up the cellular phone that lay on the cold steel table once again.  She flipped the phone open to see if she had any text messages from Reta.  I’m going to gut her like a piece of catfish.  Just wait until I see your fast-tail, she said as she closed her phone, this time placing it in her purse from out of view.

Her eyes scanned the eatery one last time in search of her friend. The food line had dwindled as the lunch rush subsided and Vanessa finally decided that she’d waited long enough. She contemplated calling Reta again. However, she resisted, instead grabbing her purse, throwing her uneaten food in the overstuffed trash bin and proceeding to the entrance.

As she approached the front entrance, Vanessa noticed a group of young men who were waiting to occupy an empty table.  She could feel their eyes scan her body in an attempt to get a glimpse of her butt. Vanessa knew she was blessed with a voluptuous body that could make a grown man cry; however, she was not in any mood to tolerate their reactions. Her skin began to crawl as she noticed their eyes silently undress her.  She tried to remain calm but unfortunately, her emotions got the best of her as they always did.

What is this, everybody stare at Vanessa day?  She asked while looking at one of the men with her hand propped against her hip.  Is that how you represent God?   Vanessa shook her head to ignore her conscious and waited for the man’s response. Can I help you? She asked again trying to rush the ungodly scene that was due to unfold.

Sweetheart I wouldn’t mind if you did. One of the men replied in a condescending tone.

First of all, I’m not your sweetheart.  Secondly, if you continue to stare at my butt, in about five minutes, you’re going to find your eyes stuck in the back of your throat.  Vanessa screamed; rolling her eyes at the young man with her hand still propped against her hip.

My bad, didn’t mean any harm, my sister.  The man replied, throwing up his hands in a surrendering gesture and stepping back, out of Vanessa’s path of destruction.

Mmmhmm, funny how fast I became your sister.   Vanessa said as she sucked in her lip attempting a fake smile.  Apology accepted.  She said, as she pulled her hair to the other side of her neck and placed her designer sunglasses on her face.  Vanessa nodded her head in contentment and slowly walked away.  She was a Diva and knew she had to make a grand exit. She smiled in contentment as she heard the young men whisper amongst each other as the door closed behind her.  She suddenly felt shame subside in her heart.  She knew she was wrong for her confrontation and silently asked God for forgiveness.

Vanessa didn’t take to kindly to visiting restaurants in downtown Atlanta. Especially the ones frequented by young adults and college students.  She knew she wasn’t that old herself, but ever since she had children, she couldn’t tolerate adolescent young adults, their smart mouths or disrespectful behavior.  She knew she wouldn’t have been in this situation if it had not been for Reta suggesting they meet there for lunch today.

Being stood up and being late for an appointment were two things Vanessa despised.   She thought it was discourteous and unprofessional.  Two traits she believed her best friend didn’t possess until today. She wondered what could have prevented Reta from coming to their lunch date. Nevertheless, more than anything what was so important that she couldn’t pick up the darn phone and call her?

Reta better have a freakin good excuse today or I’m going to give her a piece of my freakin, God-given mind.  Vanessa spoke with agitation in her voice.  She hit the unlock button on her key pad and opened her driver’s door to her black Lexus truck and got in.   Vanessa used the word freakin a lot ever since she rededicated her life back to the Lord seven years ago.  She knew that the obscene language that was a frequent part of her vocabulary had to go if she wanted to live a Righteous life.  Vanessa would be the first to acknowledge, she used to have a mouth like a sailor.  In the beginning, it was rough but she was working on ways to get around it.

Vanessa started her car and realized she had an additional 20 minutes to spare before the twins got out of school.   She admired being a stay-at-home mom. Getting the opportunity to watch her children grow-up, be there when they got home and making sure the house was in order was something she prided herself in. Growing up, she remembered getting home cooked meals and having her mother around to care for her. She wanted her children to have the same values of family as she had and jumped at the opportunity to be a homemaker.

Ever since the difficult pregnancy with the twins seven years ago, Roger thought it would be best for her to take a few years off from work, so she could get her health and weight back on track.  Having the twins placed a big burden on Vanessa.  It added an extra sixty pounds onto her five-foot four-inch frame. After she passed out from walking from the driveway to the front door of her house, doctor’s decided, it would be best to place her on bed rest the last five months of her pregnancy.  Roger was a big help.  He would give her foot massages, pamper her with gifts and run out in the middle of the night to subdue her food cravings, and occasionally his own.

Vanessa glanced at the clock as she put the gear into reverse.  I think I’ll stop by the store.  She said peering in her rear view mirror making sure not to hit any cars in the tight parking lot.

*****

Vanessa is just going to be angry with me today. Reta mumbled as she finished getting dressed.  Besides, there is no way she would understand, even if I tried to explain.  Reta stopped and meditated for a few moments on how she could justify the reason for standing her best friend up for their lunch date today. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to come up with a valid explanation that would get her out of trouble with Vanessa.  She grabbed her black stiletto shoes from underneath the bed and slid one foot into the three-inch heels.  She tiptoed over to her purse that lay on the chair and tucked it under her arm.  With one shoe on and one shoe off, Reta limped over to the bed, looked at Darryl and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek.  He wiggled as he pulled the covers over his head to shade against the sun that peered into the dim-lit room.

Reta stood in the doorway feeling bad for missing her appointment with Vanessa. She knew she was wrong for doing something she promised she’d never do, and that was to stand, her friend up for a man.

I’ll see you later, okay. Reta said softly while closing the bedroom door.

Mmmhmm, Darryl groaned.

Reta got into her car and rolled down her windows as she checked herself out in the rearview mirror, making sure her hair was still intact.  Satisfied with her image, she put the car into drive and began her journey down Peachtree Street.

Reta watched the pedestrians as they walked up and down the sidewalks in the busy business district of Downtown Atlanta.  Seeing a few pedestrians on their cell phone reminded Reta to check her voicemail.  She slowed her car down as she dug for her phone out of her Dooney & Bourke leather bag.  Upon retrieval, she flipped the lid open and saw she had 14 missed calls.  She scrolled through the menu directory slowly, making sure to pay extra attention to the road.  Upon realizing the list contained missed calls from Vanessa and her mother; Reta tossed her phone onto the passenger seat and continued her drive.

The silence of the ride made Reta feel uncomfortable, so she turned the radio on, trying to block out her thoughts about her relationship with Darryl and her friendship with Vanessa.  Neither of which; she really wanted to think about, nor was in any mood to handle.   However, her conscious miraculously overruled. Reta’s thoughts immediately took her back to High School where her and Vanessa first met nearly fifteen years ago.  Reta shook her head as she thought of how Vanessa automatically assumed the older sister role in their relationship.  Having Vanessa as an older sister, meant Reta had to succumb to the little sister role, even if they were in the same grade.  Vanessa always told Reta what she needed to do and when she needed to do it.  She commented on who she needed to date and how she needed to get her life together since day one. She had to admit they were like Ying and Yang, and although they were different from one another, they loved each other unconditionally. As Reta turned down Spring Street, her thoughts were interrupted by the vibrating sound of her phone that lay on the passengers’ seat. She looked at the caller ID, hesitated for a moment and decided to answer.

Hello!

Hey Baby girl.

Hi mom.

I’m so happy you answered the phone.  My goodness I was starting to get worried about you.

Mom, there’s no need to worry about me.

Well as a mother I always worry about my children. You know that. Just wait until you have some of your own.

I’ll just take your word for it.

Reta you’re not getting any younger and I would like to be a grandmother so—

Mom I’m not trying to have any crumb snatchers any time soon.  So— sorry to disappoint you, but your grandmother dreams are going to be on hold for awhile.

You’ll be thirty soon and the older you get the worse your labor will be.

"Objection your