Drama Queen: A Nicky and Noah Mystery: Nicky and Noah Mysteries, #1

Praise for the award-winning Nicky and Noah mystery series:

Joe Cosentino has a unique and fabulous gift. His writing is flawless, and his use of farce, along with his convoluted plot-lines, will have you guessing until the very last page, which makes his books a joy to read. His books are worth their weight in gold, and if you haven't discovered them yet you are in for a rare treat. —Divine Magazine

"a combination of Laurel and Hardy mixed with Hitchcock and Murder She Wrote…Loaded with puns and one-liners…Right to the end, you are kept guessing, and the conclusion still has a surprise in store for you." —Optimumm Book Reviews

adventure, mystery, and romance with every page….Funny, clever, and sweet….I can’t find anything not to love about this series….This read had me laughing and falling in love….Nicky and Noah are my favorite gay couple. —Urban Book Reviews

For fans of Joe Cosentino's hilarious mysteries, this is another vintage story with more cheeky asides and sub plots right left and centre….The story is fast paced, funny and sassy. The writing is very witty with lots of tongue-in-cheek humour….Highly recommended. —Boy Meets Boy Reviews

This delightfully sudsy, colorful cast of characters would rival that of any daytime soap opera, and the character exchanges are rife with sass, wit and cagey sarcasm….As the pages turn quickly, the author keeps us hanging until the startling end. —Edge Media Network

A laugh and a murder, done in the style we have all come to love….This had me from the first paragraph….Another wonderful story with characters you know and love! —Crystals Many Reviewers

These two are so entertaining….Their tactics in finding clues and the crazy funny interactions between characters keeps the pages turning. For most of the book if I wasn't laughing I was grinning. —Jo and Isa Love Books

Superb fun from start to finish, for me this series gets stronger with every book and that’s saying something because the benchmark was set so very high with book 1. —Three Books Over the Rainbow

The Nicky and Noah Mysteries series are perfect for fans of the Cozy Mystery sub-genre. They mix tongue-in-cheek humor, over-the-top characters, a wee bit of political commentary, and suspense into a sweet little mystery solved by Nicky and Noah, theatre professors for whom all the world’s a stage. —Prism Book Alliance

Books by Joe Cosentino

The Nicky and Noah Comedy Mystery Series:

Drama Queen

Drama Muscle

Drama Cruise

Drama Luau

Drama Detective

Drama Fraternity (coming soon)

Drama Castle (coming soon)

Drama Dance (coming soon)

The Cozzi Cove series (NineStar Press):

Cozzi Cove: Bouncing Back

Cozzi Cove: Moving Forward

Cozzi Cove: Stepping Out

Cozzi Cove: New Beginnings

The Dreamspinner Press novellas:

In My Heart: An Infatuation & A Shooting Star

The Naked Prince and Other Tales from Fairyland

Bobby and Paolo Holiday Stories: A Home for the Holidays and The Perfect Gift

The Jana Lane Mysteries:

Paper Doll

Porcelain Doll (The Wild Rose Press)

Satin Doll (The Wild Rose Press)

China Doll (The Wild Rose Press)

Rag Doll (The Wild Rose Press)

Drama Queen

A NICKY AND NOAH MYSTERY

Joe Cosentino

Copyright © 2015 Joe Cosentino

All Rights Reserved

Second Edition, 2018

Printed in the United State of America

This is a work of fiction. All characters, places and events are from the author’s very vivid imagination and should not be confused with fact. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, events or places is purely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form, whether by printing, photocopying, scanning or otherwise without the written permission of the author.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

The content of this book is not meant to diagnose, treat, or prevent any illness or condition. This novel is for mature readers.

Cover art by Jesús Da Silva

Cover and interior design by Fred Wolinsky

Table of Contents

Cast of Characters

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Epilogue

About the Author

To Fred for everything,

and to everyone who inhabits the world of academia.

Cast of Characters

The Theatre Professors at Treemeadow College:

Nicky Abbondanza: Professor of Play Directing

Noah Oliver: Professor of Acting

Martin Anderson: Professor of Theatre Management/Theatre Department Head

Jackson Grier: Professor of Stage Movement

Ariella Samson: Professor of Costuming

David Samson: Professor of Technical Theatre

Loptu Lee: Professor of Playwriting

Millie Rodriguez: Professor of Voice and Diction

Wally Wanker: Emeritus Professor of Voice and Diction

Theatre Graduate Assistants:

Scotty Bruno: Nicky’s graduate assistant

Tyler Thompson: David’s graduate assistant

Theatre Office Assistant:

Shayla Johnson

Theatre Students/Leads of Nicky’s Play:

David Amour

Jan Annondale

Kayla Calloway

Ricky Gonzalez

Film Students:

Kyle Samson

P.J. Myers

Film Professor:

Faith O’Riley

Human Resource:

Mickey Minor

Detectives:

Jose Manuello: Senior Detective

John Dickerson: Junior Detective

We’ll Never Tell:

Butch Whopper

Reg McCallister

Chapter 1

Surrounded by darkness, I sat tensely watching as a young, beautiful man lay on the floor with blood dripping off his six-pack abs. I held my breath. Another muscular young man stood over the first and looked down with a vengeful gaze and devious smirk. My heart pounded as he strutted through the quiet street in his long flowing cape, weaving from corpse to corpse. His knife, erect, poised. The Lord is vengeful and strong in wrath. And revenge is oh so sweet, he said.

Blackout then lights up!

Tyler, the technical theatre graduate assistant running the lighting board, hit a button, and our Treemeadow College theatre once again sported its Victorian proscenium, cream-colored walls, maple wood wainscoting, bronze wall sconces, and ruby red stage curtain.

Sitting behind the director’s desk (actually a wooden plank temporarily set up in the center of the audience seating area) I scribbled a last note before shouting, Good work, everyone! Please get out of costume and make-up as quickly as possible and join me in the first two rows of the house for notes.

Students scurried about: the actors off the stage; the technicians behind the set securing lighting and prop pieces.

Since it is tech week for my show, I have been working in our Edwardian style theatre every evening alongside our workaholic technical director. Tyler Thompson is our technical theatre professor’s graduate assistant, who like all good technical directors, eats, sleeps, breathes, and basically lives in our Scene Shop behind the stage. Standing at five feet tall with mountainous shoulders, a broad back, powerful arms, thick hands, and stick legs, Tyler rules over all things sound, lights, projections, set pieces, and props at Treemeadow College. When he leaves, we will be at a total loss to find or do anything technical in our theatre.

Sets for plays used to consist of wooden flats screwed together to create the walls of a room or a slide projection of a building. Nowadays no set is worth its weight in a Tony Award if it doesn’t include moving film projections of farmland, urban settings, fireworks, or whatever exterior is called for in a given scene.

I’ll fix the video of the street scene for tomorrow night, Nicky. Tyler slumped in a chair next to me as the familiar smell of pepperoni, his staple food, and sawdust stung my nose. He wore his usual techie attire: a soiled white T-shirt under frayed overalls above worn workboats. This look was accented by a gold cross around his neck, tattoos on his arms (like an illustrated book with words, numbers, and pictures), and long, stringy, unwashed hair. Tyler scratched at his beard, a result of him not having shaved (or washed) since we started tech. I also want to fix the sound cue for the siren and change a few gels for the red wash across the stage during the murders.

Before I could thank Tyler, David Samson, Professor of Technical Theatre and our show’s Scenic Designer, barreled down the theatre aisle like a bull in a field of tomatoes, shouting, Tyler! David is an imposing six feet two inches tall, weighing about a hundred and eighty pounds with a shaved head.

Tyler froze, and replied like a convicted chemical dumper facing an environmental lynch mob. Yes, David?

You didn’t add in the new light cue I gave you for the top of Act II.

I’ll have it for tomorrow night, Tyler said.

David’s strong features hardened. Your procrastination and laziness are not acceptable. He scowled. "Do it now."

Sure, David, Tyler responded as he leapt off the theatre seat and hurried into the Lighting booth at the back of the theatre.

I came to Tyler’s defense. David, Tyler has done an amazing job—

"Nicky, the pacing of the show is too slow. The blocking isn’t balanced. The actors aren’t committing fully to their roles and to listening to one another. This comes as no surprise to me since our Acting professor is as incompetent as you are, Nicky, as our Directing professor. Unfortunately, it seems you’d rather flirt with one another than get to work! This is a disgrace to our department! David raised his arms in the air like a preacher facing an unrepentant congregation. You’re the director, Nicky. And I use that term lightly. Your other shows have been insulting to the intelligence of the audience, but this one has reached the pinnacle of being even worse! Will even you let an audience see this repugnant crap?"

David, this is not the time or place to have this discussion.

With the student actors and technicians sitting in the front of the theatre (obliviously texting on their phones), my student stage manager, SuCho, screamed for everyone’s attention, and for me to come to the front of the theatre house to give them my notes. This thankfully sent David off to his office in a huff.

After I had given my first few notes, I noticed Noah Oliver standing in the back of the theatre. Noah is tall and lean with curly blond hair, blue eyes, and the sweetest smile I have ever wanted to kiss in an Assistant Professor. While I teach Theatre History and Play Directing, Noah is our department’s specialist in Acting, and for good reason. Noah is a terrific actor, a creative and passionate teacher, and a wonderful colleague. More importantly, I have had a crush on him since the moment he made his entrance into our humble campus three years ago. Noah is single, gay, and seems to really like me. Why don’t I ask him out? Noah is twenty-eight years young. As a junior professor in my department in need of my vote for tenure this year, if I make a pass at him it could be considered attempted coercion on my part.

It was difficult for me to concentrate on giving my notes to the students since Scotty Bruno, my graduate assistant and Assistant Director of the play, was talking, laughing, and obviously flirting with Noah in the rear of the theatre. I had reason to be concerned. Scotty has bleached blond hair, contact lens turquoise eyes, ultra-white bonded teeth, and muscles as if sculpted by Michelangelo, housed in multi-colored, stuffed shorts and tank top (in winter) that were not unnoticed by Noah. Unless I was becoming nearsighted, I could have sworn that Scotty whispered something into Noah’s ear then handed Noah a box. What the heck is in it? Love letters? Condoms? My heart on a silver platter?

Any notes for me, Professor? Paul Amour, my leading man, sat front row center and winked at me. Identifying as bisexual, Paul uses his charms with men and women alike to get their attention. Tall with shiny, wavy black hair climbing down his neck, chiseled features, and a body like a Greek god, getting attention wasn’t too difficult for Paul.

You were like terrific tonight, Paul. I really believed you were like the murderer! Ricky Gonzalez, Paul’s co-star and last onstage murder victim, sat next to Paul like an art dealer admiring the Mona Lisa. Ricky is shorter and darker than Paul with a smaller but equally cut physique. After he graduates from college and gets over his crush on Paul, Ricky will no doubt make some guy a wonderful husband.

Thanks, Ricky. Paul squeezed one of Ricky’s abdominal muscles.

Ricky beamed like a floodlight.

Kayla Calloway and Jan Annondale, who play murder victims one and two in the play, sat on the other side of Paul to reward their peripheral visions. Zaftig, giggly, and insecure, they hung on Paul’s every word, wishing they could hang on Paul.

Your fight scenes were totally awesome tonight, Paul, said Kayla.

Jan added, And you really like aced your cool monologue at the end of the play.

Before Paul could sign autographs, I said, I have five more pages of notes tonight, people. Can I have everyone’s attention?

As the cast members groaned I noticed that Noah and Scotty had left the theatre (to have a quickie in the lobby?). The students listened while I gave notes for improvement on their diction, movements, timing, reacting on stage (or lack thereof), character development, and emotional levels. After my last note, the students presented me with a blueberry cheesecake (thanks to the organic dairy farm bordering the college), singing Happy Birthday in four-part harmony (the lesbians at the lower notes and the gay men hitting the high notes). I was filled with gratitude until I noticed the thirty-five candles on top of the cake (obviously leaked to my students by Eve Harrington, my graduate assistant Scotty Bruno).

Allow me to break the fourth wall a moment—

This is the twentieth play that I have directed. Half of them were prior to my becoming a college professor, meaning when I had a low salary, no benefits, and no job security. Thankfully the fates led me to nabbing the coveted brass ring: a tenure track Assistant Professor position in the Theatre Department at a small, private New England college. This ultimately led to tenure and Associate Professor status with all the benefits it entails (salary, house, medical insurance, pension) and a hopeful promotion to full Professor next year.

My name is Nicky Abbondanza, PHD. The PHD (as an ex-boyfriend used to say before he left me for his life coach) stands for perky, hot, and adorable. He wasn’t much of a speller. My parents told me that my brother got the looks and I got the brains. Since my brother looks like Margaret Thatcher, I wasn’t too hopeful about my academic future.

Thankfully I was a straight B+ student and enjoyed writing academic papers such as The All Male Acting Ensemble of the Elizabethan Theatre, Shakespeare’s Sonnets to His Mystery Male Lover, and Christopher Marlowe’s Secret Husband.

Because you, gentle reader, are always curious what your leads look like…well, I am over six-feet tall with straight black hair, green eyes, Roman nose, and an average to muscular build; meaning I go to the gym when I’m between boyfriends. I go to the gym a lot. And I’ll come right out and say that I have a huge penis. You might think this an idle boast—doesn’t everyone claim to be well-endowed these days, as if rulers aren’t standard measurements. The truth is my flaccid penis is nine and a quarter inches long and two inches wide. This is according to an ex-boyfriend who measured it while I was writing my dissertation. This blessing, or curse, back in high school caused teasing in the locker room: Hey, it’s the original foot-long wiener! At least they didn’t tease me for being gay. It has also solicited numerous more recent calls for a viewing at the gym. Finally, it has led to either great joy or incredible horror for anyone who dates me. I know what you are thinking. I should become a porn star. No thanks. I’ll keep my day (and night) job at the college. I don’t even watch porn, except in the evenings when I’m not working, during the day if I’m sick or depressed, on weekends, and during holidays.

Coming from Kansas, I truly am a friend of Dorothy’s who has settled down in Treemeadow, a little college town in Vermont, surrounded by snowcapped mountain landscapes dotted with white church steeples, quaint covered bridges over babbling brooks, and a warm and cozy fireplace burning next to a rainbow flag seen through the window of the LGBT bookstore.

Now, back to my story—

Thirty-five! Professor, you are well preserved for someone so old.

I hope I’m still working at thirty-five.

To Paul and Ricky, and to all of my students, thirty-five is older than Methuselah.

"The first one back with a piece can feed me," said Paul with a bad boy grin.

No food in the theatre. After laying down the law, SuCho yanked open the theatre doors and the students filed out into the lobby.

Ariella, our Professor of Costuming and the costume designer for the play (with costumes hanging over both arms) carefully made her way off the stage and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Happy birthday, Nicky.

So you’ve heard I’m ancient…and incompetent.

Flicking back her long, black hair, Ariella said in her usual monotone, Don’t let the kids get to you, Nicky. And don’t let David get to you either. The show is terrific.

I unleashed a half smile. Tell David that.

I already did. Right after his tirade about the ‘pedestrian and mundane’ costumes. Nicky, David doesn’t like anything, except David. Are there tears brimming in her dark eyes? Nobody knows that better than me.

Ariella, I hope this isn’t too personal, but with all of your complaints about David, why do you stay married to him?

She offered a bitter smile. That my friend is a very good question.

Ariella went to the Costume Shop adjacent to the stage. I joined the students who were scattered throughout the theatre lobby licking their plastic forks