The Night Archer: and Other Stories

Contents

Introduction

Ruin 

Liberation 

D 

Fossils 

Afikomen 

Metaxis 

Day Eight 

The Old Osifegus 

Surprise Inspection 

The Scar 

The Man in the Deerstalker Hat 

The Secret of 16/B 

Beautiful Bivouac 

An Agent of Unit Forty 

The House on Kittatinny Lake 

The Boys’ Room 

Live in Studio 

Crime Scene 

The Reenactor 

Prodigal Son 

Good Table 

A Cure for Suburban Boredom 

Skirmish on Chickamaw Ridge 

Penitence 

The World of Antonia Flechette 

The Curio Cabinet 

Nuevo Mundo 

Alien Report 

The Perfect Couple 

Live in Fame, Dive in Flames 

Pray, Prey 

My Little Whiffle 

The Book of Jakiriah 

Dead of Old Wounds 

Sir Reginald and the Purple Prince 

Rosen in Paradise 

The Thirty-Year Rule 

Personal Assistance 

Noah Simkin, Athlete, Scholar, Renaissance Man, Is Dead 

Jorge 

Aniksht 

Primus inter Pares 

The Blind Man 

What’s a Parent to Do? 

Slave to Power 

The Widow’s Hero 

Made to Order 

The Cookie Jar 

The Innkeeper’s Daughter 

The Betsybob 

The Night Archer 

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Coming home from school one day when I was twelve, sitting at my desk and pulling out pen and paper, I suddenly discovered freedom. It came in the form of a poem, Who cries for the soul of the pigeon? What freedom! But while reveling in it, I also encountered a truth. That poetry was not a ramble of unbridled thoughts, but a vision bound by structure, meter, and rhyme. Real freedom, I internalized even then, was only attainable through limits.

That paradox has generated friction, even conflict, throughout much of recorded history and is still destabilizing today. But controversy cannot detract from the timeless need to counterbalance liberty with law. Overly fettered freedom is tyranny, but untethered freedom is chaos. And as in society, so, too, it is with art. A symphony, a novel, or a sculpture becomes transcendent precisely by remaining within its framework, its tempo, genre, and space.

As a beginning poet, I understood that writing free verse meant first mastering form. Many years would pass, though, before I realized that achieving freedom through confinement was more than just a method. Rather, like monotheism and universal morality, it was an eminently Jewish idea.

It is an idea enshrined in Exodus, the story of the Jewish people’s liberation from slavery in Egypt. No sooner do we escape then we lapse into debauchery and golden calf-building. Not until Moses receives the law on Mount Sinai and imposes it on our people is our freedom fully guaranteed. Consequently, the Jews dedicate an entire holiday to freedom—Passover—but celebrate it with strict ritual and dietary rules. For that reason, the Hebrew language has as many words for freedom (hofesh, herut, dror) as it does for law (hok, din, mishpat). For Jews, mitzvah means both commandment and blessing.

The freedom-limit paradox can be confounding but also intoxicating. A friend who was born Jewish but hated his heritage accompanied me once to synagogue. It was the holiday of Simchat Torah, marking the conclusion of the year-long Torah reading, when Jews dance and sing while embracing the scrolls. My friend was flummoxed. "They’re celebrating a book that tells them all these things they can’t do? he asked. I don’t get it." For days he walked around bewildered, unable to grasp the contradiction. Finally, in desperation, he began to study the Bible and then the Talmud, and eventually became observant.

The paradox was yet another Jewish gift to civilization. It deeply influenced the Founding Fathers who hardwired it into their Constitution and the system of checks and balances. Along with proscribing absolute power and protecting the weak—two more Biblical concepts—it laid the basis of American democracy. But it also informed Zionism. While aspiring to transform the Jews into a free people in our own land, as we sing in Israel’s Hatikvah anthem, Zionism also worked to curb that freedom with statutes. Perhaps that was why I was drawn to Israel at the same age that I began to write poetry. I wanted the dizziness of freedom along with its sovereign responsibilities.

In Israel, I indeed found freedom but also accepted limits, paying taxes and obeying the national rules. I continued to write poetry and fiction, and, with increasing frequency, history. Writing history, I found, could be a liberating experience, provided it complied with the standards of accuracy and notation. The best compliment I received for my history books was that they read like novels.

But Israeli life often restrained my freedom. For years, I was a soldier, carrying out orders, unable to do or even dress as I chose. And then I entered government service, first as an ambassador and later as an elected official. I forfeited not only my independence but the right to speak my mind entirely. Israeli law, much like its American counterpart, forbids certain representatives from publishing books while in office. Yet nothing prohibited me from writing, and I did so virtually every morning before work. Much of this collection was written then, as a personal assertion of freedom.

If, as a preteen, poetry was my gateway to expression, now I found the same route through stories. Much like verse, short fiction imposes draconian strictures on the author, necessitating constant discipline. A writer must present fully-drawn characters, a developed plot, a resolution and meaning—within as little as a single page. But while relentlessly confining, stories afford a vast creative scope. I could be anywhere—on a New England beach, an Asian jungle or a spaceship. I could be a homicide detective or a Holocaust survivor, a conquistador or a hitman, a human or an animal. I could be an adult or a child, woman or man, living today or thousands of years ago. What exhilarating freedom!

But what control. The result is stories which aspire to be both concise and audacious, structured yet wild. They are American in their candor and Israeli in their zeal, yet always, paradoxically, Jewish. They are my way of celebrating the end of slavery but also of accepting the law. They are the way I embrace limitation while dancing and singing unchained.

Michael Oren

Tel Aviv, 2020

Ruin

First off, we don’t boo. We don’t rattle chains or—give me a break—wear sheets. We can’t move things, not books or candlesticks, not even the skateboard that some idiot teenager left at the top of the stairs. All that we can do is watch, silently, powerlessly, at most raising a few cold bumps on your skin. Sorry if this sounds disappointing. We don’t shriek, we don’t whimper. We merely observe and bear witness.

Ghosts, you see, aren’t scary. People are scary. Walter Ackerman, for example. Wally. With his hairy shoulders and rolls of neck, arm, and belly fat. Observe him bouncing up and down on Sylvia Ricco, also known as his sister-in-law, whose butt reminds me of a half-deflated basketball. And not in the dark, either. No, these two ghouls go at it in the early afternoon when the wife and kids are safely out of the house, when no one can hear his snorting or her screeching like a cat becoming roadkill—when every vein and every pimple is hideously displayed, and every wattle highlighted. Frightened by nights of the living dead? Try seeing days of the dead living.

For that’s what Wally and his family are, suburban zombies. Alice, a.k.a. Mrs. Ackerman, with her two-bottle-a-day Chardonnay habit and her bustling schedule of therapists, new age spiritualists, and Corsican golf instructors. The children, Pace and Jason, the first a community college drop-out and tattoo parlor apprentice with a magenta Mohawk and more body piercings than St. Sebastian, and the second, a zitty seventeen-year-old geek more concerned with code than with girls or his own cleanliness. A typically damaged family in a rather undistinguished aluminum-sided house that just happens to be haunted.

How I got here is a mystery. I know nothing of my previous life or lives, no sense of where I came from. Yet clearly there’s forethought involved. I’m culturally appropriate, not haunting some hut in Somalia, God forbid, or an igloo. All I know is my name, Ruin, which I suppose means something, but I’d rather not contemplate it. I’d prefer, in fact, to think that it’s actually Rouen, like that pretty town in France, but that’s just a poltergeist’s quirk.

No, the Ackermans are familiar to me, almost kin, and I can sympathize with Wally’s need to pawn his mother’s jewelry to pay off gambling debts or his deepening flirtation with the mob. I can understand why, when he’s not snorting up or bonking Sylvia, he’s locked in the bathroom weeping and bashing his head against the sink. Life is not what you think, I’d like to whisper to him. And guess what, neither is death.

For the inescapable truth is that there is no truth. At least not as humans perceive it. If one ghost exists, then there must be millions. And not only ghosts but fairies, brownies, genies, and nymphs. Throw in leprechauns, too. If reality is a skein and its fabric gossamer, then all people fret about—mortgages, stature, security, orgasms—is chimerical. If Ruin roams the Ackerman house, then countless other homes are similarly possessed and by ominously-named apparitions.

And so, I filter. Up to the attic where Wally’s degrees—duly framed by his father—are kept in a dust-encrusted locker. Around the garage and the garbage bags in which, under the camouflage of crumbled napkins and soda cans, Alice disposes her bottles. The closets are fun but could be more so if I could access Pace’s stash. I could infiltrate Jason’s computer if I wanted to, tinker with its code—who knows, maybe erase his hard disk. Ruin runs ramshackle everywhere in the Ackerman abode, all except for the basement.

That’s the one place even I’m afraid to visit. With those spooky jars of screws and nails, the rusted toboggans, the soup tureens and bowling trophies shrouded in cobwebs. The basement: home to the sump pump and the boiler, the thermostat and the fuse-box, its ceiling scored with drippy pipes and long-dead electrical wires. You know a place is creepy when it even gives ghosts the creeps. Wally, I notice, also avoids the basement, as if there were too many memories hovering there, and one too many temptations.

I long to tell Walter that all is not lost, that he hasn’t squandered his youthful promise and sold his soul to thugs. Perhaps there’s no cure for the male pattern baldness, I imagine explaining, but you still have your heart and other vital organs, your brain, and the occasional erection. And you’re not devoid of kindness. There’s your support for the local little league, the weekly visits to your mother in the home, though it’s years since she’s recognized you. Redemption is possible, Wally, I want to say, and the chance you have is as least as good as a ghost’s. I yearn to impart these wisdoms because somehow, I know him and feel I can help him exorcize.

But, alas, I’m incapable of a boo and can’t prevent his self-devastation. I cannot deter him from sniffing the last of his blow, from leaving Sylvia’s panties for Alice to find, and from telling his loan shark to fuck off. When he drifts into his children’s empty rooms and wails over their childhood mementos, I’m floating behind him, helpless. I’m fluttering above him still as he opens the basement door and descends the shrieking steps. Into the dark and miasma of moldy wicker and mouse droppings. If sheets were indeed my wardrobe, I’d be shaking them now, and rattling the clunkiest of chains. I’d pull the chair out as he climbed onto its seat and clip the wire looped around his throat.

Howling, I’d pull at his threadbare shirt and shiny trousers, hold him under the armpits as the chair tipped away and he plummeted. His gagging and gurgling would be mine, if only I could possess them. Silently, Walter swings, and powerlessly I witness. The meaning of Ruin is known to me now and the purpose of this particular assignment. More horrific than a thump in the night or a hatchet in the back is the specter of human anguish. Ghosts do not in fact visit households. On the contrary, it’s the living who haunt the dead.

Liberation

Confined by tubes, strapped down and caged to prevent him from falling off, Le v Levitsky lay wheezing. Radar-like, monitors tracked his departure from life. Above the bleeps, though, through strata of consciousness, he could hear his doctors consulting. The issue wasn’t medical, it seemed, but promotional. Never had they treated a man so revered. Not only a literary colossus but a moral giant whose existence justified everyone’s. The pluses for the hospital were obvious.

We could hold a press conference, one of the physicians was saying. Release a statement.

But a second doctor objected. No, we’ve got to keep the press away. Some jerk’s liable to get in here with a camera, and nobody should ever see him like this. Least of all them.

Them, Levitsky understood, referred to the patient’s admirers peering through the ward’s porthole window, crowding the hallway and the staircase and spilling outside into the hospital’s parking lot. All they wanted was a final word from him confirming that evil would not, in the end, triumph, and was simply no match for love.

Ironic, though, yet another voice—younger, Levitsky judged, a resident’s—remarked. He looks just like he does in that picture.

The picture he referred to, a photograph actually, was taken of Levitsky more than seventy years earlier, at the Ohrdruf concentration camp. Though only sixteen at the time, he looked ancient, desiccated, rags scarcely binding his bones. More mummy than man. The hollow eyes, the gaping mouth—a face that witnessed the unwatchable. Yet the expression he brought toward the camera showed more than horror. There was also gratitude and, beyond that, an indomitable conviction. There is goodness in the world, his gaunt, shit-streaked cheeks improbably insisted. I still believe in people.

The resident would never know the irony of that image. No one would. Only Levitsky, tied to his bed and only intermittently awake, could confess that he had not been gazing at the photographer at all that day but at the soldier standing behind him. A burly American sergeant, florid-faced beneath his helmet, a Tommy-gun slung on his arm, smiled at the prisoner and pointed at the barbed-wire gates. They parted, revealing pastures and forests, a sapphire sky, and the sun like a diadem. Hey, buddy, look, the sergeant called out to Levitsky. You’re free!

He stumbled out of those gates and into a world that was anything but dazzling. A mortally wounded world, it oozed with people much like him. Aimless, alone, uncertain of how or why to live. He staggered through the ruins of once-quaint cities, picking up debris that might be sold on quirky post-war markets or odd jobs with the various Occupations. He acquired languages as well, and with an ease that surprised him as much as it did the local editors who began buying his articles.

He had never written a paragraph before and yet they, too, came naturally. The first were merely news items—the defusing of an unexploded bomb, the reunion of siblings long presumed dead. But then came more thoughtful pieces. Half-baked views on life spiked with his own experiences in the camp.

Such stories were especially lucrative. Like the demand for black market soap and scrap metal, Levitsky learned, people craved hope. They could read about his parents being shot in front of him or how many of the survivors’ stomachs burst when first filled with G.I. milk, just as long as they also heard tales of compassion. The former prize fighter who shared his rind of bread with a starving orphan, the women who, against maniacal odds, managed to nurse a baby born in their barracks. Throw in a little midrash, a little Buber and Buddha, even—he dared not admit it—some Christ, and, voila, he had a sale.

If his approach seemed cynical, the world, he reasoned, deserved it. In the camps, he stole, he groveled, and writhed maggot-like in the mud, yet he survived. So who was anyone to judge him now that he made money tweaking people’s emotions?

And so, cynically, he wrote. In his oversized clothes and unkempt hair, a cigarette pasted on his lip, he frequented the cheaper Paris cafes. He drank and womanized with abandon.

Levitsky might have persisted like that, destroying his body as not even the Nazis could, sullying his soul. And perhaps that would have granted him forgetfulness. He might have died on his own terms, dissipated but free.

Then, five years after liberation, he wrote a book. Not a novel, exactly, or a memoir, but an extended version of one of his articles. Mass death combined with a singular humanity, barbarism with grace. Dusk, he called it, evoking the interface between radiance and darkness. Told in hauntingly simple language, detached yet gripping. The publication, he imagined, might pay for some of his bar bills. Within hours, though, the first edition sold out.

And, overnight, Levitsky became an icon. He found himself suddenly a source of wisdom for countless people he’d never met, a wellspring of righteousness. Letters poured in from bereaved parents, jilted lovers, the lonely and oppressed. Celebrities boasted of corresponding with him, and school children crayoned little notes of thanks. Duly, he replied to each one, reiterating his faithful message, afraid of letting them down. Unable, he realized, to let himself out.

It soon became clear that he could never go back to his bohemian lifestyle, never return to being Lev Levitsky, freelance nihilist, the drifter in charge of his fate. Once an assertion of liberty, his shabbiness was now a brand. His suffering, formerly a license for indulgence, sentenced him to virtue. Fame and admiration impounded him.

Relocating to Manhattan, Levitsky found himself at the head of Upper East Side guest lists, a speaker in constant demand. In a voice barely audible over the praise, he affirmed his gospel of rebirth. Perhaps, too, he began to believe it, or at least to forget the time when believing or not was an assertion of will.

At one gala reception, he was introduced to Vera. Terribly thin and quiet, Vera, despite Auschwitz, retained a ghost of her former beauty. Saintly Vera, the ideal partner for Levitsky, the sage. Their wedding, attended by religious leaders and toasted by the mayor, was newsworthy. The couple’s book-insulated salon on York Avenue served as a hub for truth-seekers. More bestsellers followed, more tributes that stifled his walls, two introverted children, and a reputation for rectitude which—according to a Time magazine cover-story—rivalled the Pope’s.

Here is Levitsky at sixty-five: rich, celebrated, sought out by global leaders. At home, Vera stood sentry-like over their lives, over their bed, it seemed, allowing no passion to enter. Each morning, he locked himself in his office, alone except for the assistants who kept his desk spotless and penciled in every hour of his day. The morning bagel they brought was toasted just right and the coffee exactingly sweetened. His writing time—between eight and two—was sacred.

At 2:01, precisely, each day one of those assistants stuck a head into his door and asked if he needed anything. And just as invariably he shook his now peppery flop, No, thank you, no.

Only once did the answer differ. One time, he did not even get a chance to respond. Rather, the assistant—an unpaid intern, he later discovered—marched into his office, planted herself in front of him and asked, My God, how do you stand this?

Levitsky, dumbfounded, shrugged.

This, she said and drew a hand over the barrenness of his desk. "Not a paper, not even a paperclip out of place. I’d go nuts."

Strangely, in a voice he scarcely remembered, he sighed, What makes you think I have not?

A second passed, an endless second in which the two of them gazed at each other. The wizened writer in his gray, out-of-date clothes, and the intern, short and compact yet jack-in-the-box sprightly and keen. They stared and then, with uncanny coordination, they laughed. They roared while the intern spread papers, bagel wrappers, and half-empty coffee cups before him. There! she trumpeted. Now we know, a human being works here.

They were chuckling still when one of the regular assistants appeared and, with arms akimbo, barked, Sidney!

A nice Jewish name, she explained the following day, after he hired her. But you can call me Sid.

Sid, he repeated, as if trying on some new-fashioned suit. Sid…

No more than his, her own clothing never varied. High-end jeans and close-fitting sweaters that outlined her buxomness. Pumps or sneakers that seemed to him too tiny to actually contain feet. Soon, though, he stopped noticing such things. In time, there was only her eyes and lips, green and crimson, and her puggish nose that shed freckles across her cheeks with the slightest smile. And her hair. Especially her hair at which braids and clips flung themselves trying to contain an auburn vastness in which pencils—imaginably even hand tools—vanished.

Sid, he’d call out, usually for no specific reason, and instantly she’d come bouncing. Sid, he’d chuckle. Mess up my desk.

A clever, intuitive girl, she knew to retire in Vera’s presence, deferring to her imperious gloom. She hung back when Levitsky’s grandchildren played tag around his office. Grasping authority, she kept the other staff in line and for the most part out of his sight. Days could pass with just the two of them alone—Sid or, frequently, my Sid, and Leave, as she insisted on mispronouncing his first name, as if to command or beg him.

That relationship continued uninterrupted until the evening when the rest of the staff had already gone home. Set to receive yet another honorary doctorate, Levitsky stood in front of her and jokingly asked, How do I look?

She replied, "Seriously? You stand hunched over with your fingers tucked into fists. Like you were carrying two heavy suitcases or something. Your hair is a mess, your ears and nose need clipping. And this thing—this… She pinched the lapel pin that signaled some government’s highest esteem. It’s going to fall off any minute."

She re-fixed the pin, aligning her nose with his Adam’s apple and then, looking up, took in the sorrows of his eyes. Then, on sneaker tips, she rose and kissed him. He kissed her back, kissed as he never had, even in his Paris days, insatiably. Somehow, a sweater came off releasing upturned breasts. Supple legs escaped from jeans. Tie, vest, a worsted suit—all flung to the floor—and papers seesawed above the desk on which the two of them first made love.

The next times would be in her apartment, amid the high school and college mementos, or in the hotels where their rooms were routinely adjacent. No one suspected. Here was a man nearly old enough to be her grandfather, and not just any man but one almost unanimously deemed above reproach and therefore beyond desire.

Yet the desire became boundless and so, too, did Levitsky. Lying beside her, filing his fingers through her uncontained hair, he for the first time vented his rage at those who had stolen his youth and butchered his family. He wept for the parents he still believed—irrationally—he could have saved. Howling, he unleashed the passions imprisoned inside him for years. Ear on her breast, he recalled the thump of approaching Allied artillery and the dream that someday his captivity would end.

And soon it would, he promised her. He would divorce Vera, give up the titles and the accolades, and escape into the world beside her. Think about it, he said with his head still on Sid’s chest and his hand sunk in her hair. We could go to restaurants together. Movies. Take a cruise!

Expectantly, they set a date. Days passed, together with dozens of loving notes. The office functioned as usual. Until word arrived—by special courier—that Levitsky was to receive the President’s Freedom Prize. The press headlined the news. Congratulations gushed in and well-wishers gathered on the street below.

How can we do this now? Sidney asked in tears. "To her. To them?"

His voice also cracked. "How can we not do this? For us."

The night arrived, the White House aglow with personages and photographers. A famous violinist performed Mendelssohn and a choir of Yeshiva boys sang dolorously in Yiddish. Vera looked grave but elegant while Levitsky, wan in black tie, could have passed for both undertaker and corpse. The President gushed about the author’s gift for inspiring millions, his irrepressible faith and belief in the human heart. The medallion, which Levitsky accepted with a dip of his disheveled head, reminded him of the sun he once saw beaming just beyond the gates of the camp.

They were scheduled to meet the following Monday, at the sole time not penciled in. But, though he asked and asked, no one had seen Sidney at the office. The phone in her apartment went to voicemail, her doorbell rang unanswered. Levitsky was clueless about texting—Sid always ribbed him—yet he tried that too, futilely.

That Monday passed, and many more after, and still the cubicle outside his office remained vacant. Trapped behind his immaculate desk, Levitsky wrote nothing and spoke to no one. The lines that crisscrossed his face deepened and his suits hung rag-like from his frame. His coffee and bagel grew cold.

His fame, though, only blossomed. More state visits, more schools and scholarships inscribed with his name. Twenty years on, he was accepting some of the world’s most illustrious prizes for the second time when news came of a different distinction. Even his disease was unique.

So it’s decided, then, one of the doctors was saying. No press conference. No photos. We release a statement, period.

Period. You write it up.

The voice Levitsky assumed was the resident’s protested, Why me?

Because you’re the last one here to take freshman lit, the senior physician snapped. You probably even read his books.

And then there was silence, except for the chirp of his monitor. Only some time later, as the bleeps stretched into a drone, did he feel another presence in the room. Not Vera, he knew, who died a half-decade earlier, or his grandchildren who were somewhere off at college.

Levitsky fought for awareness. Perhaps she’d come back to him after all. Choking on his oxygen tube, straining at the straps on his bed, he managed to open his eyes. Yet what he saw hardly surprised him. After all, Sid must be a middle-aged woman by now, living on the other side of the country—he vaguely recalled hearing—with a husband and three teenaged kids.

Instead of sneakers and jeans and exuberant hair, there appeared before him a helmet and tommy-gun. Light spangled through the porthole in the ward’s doorway which silently swung open. With a meaty thumb, the sergeant gestured toward a landscape greener than any Levitsky could bear. Hey, look, buddy, the soldier informed him. You’re free.

D

Pressing his face between the slats of the wooden play bridge, he smiles. At least I think he smiles, or I prefer to believe it. In fact, he may have grimaced or merely screwed up his face for some inscrutable, mechanical reason, and the expression—smile, grimace, whatever—was not meant for me at all or even intentional. It could be that Douglas, who has now stomped along the bridge and barreled into the bright orange bulb that serves as the terminus for several slides and ladders, does not even notice that I am looking at him. It could be that he is utterly unaware of his father’s presence.

What does awareness mean for him, I wonder? Not, certainly, of the other six-year old boy he pushes past, sending him plopping hard on his butt. Does he hear the kid’s bawling, I ask myself, or the shriek of the girl whose ponytail he yanks so that he can replace her at the top of the slide? I watch and want to say something, if for no purpose than to pacify the parents who may also be looking on and getting angry. But I see that Dougie’s naughtiness has gone unnoticed. The plastic playhouse becomes an echo-chamber of cries that he flees with a high-pitched wail of his own.

What is his world like—confused, indecipherable, ironic? He’s grinning still as he scampers past me on route to the sandbox. His blue ski jacket, unzippered, flails behind him, as does his strawberry blonde hair. A hailstorm of freckles, fists like wind gusts pounding the air. So I experience him at that moment, a freaky turn of weather. Other times he’s ice and others still he’s fire. And always I feel off-guard, exposed and inappropriately attired.

Douglas, Dougie, or merely D—these are the names I call him, though I’m not sure he knows them completely or understands that they signify him. Other words have been attached to him, strangely beautiful words like echolalia and spectrum, and he is strangely beautiful in his detachment. Just look at him, clutching handfuls of some preschoolers’ castles and launching them skyward, inscribing sand angels above his head. Look at him circling the box, first clockwise then counter, his orbit recorded by untied shoes.

And what am I supposed to feel? Devotion, of course, flesh of my flesh and all. Love, though love like a shout, bellowed urgently over a canyon that swallows it without a murmur. Anger? Resentment? Fear? Or is it like on those college exams: D, all of the above? And yet every emotion ends with guilt. For I made him, and Dougie is what he is and will be, long after I can no longer look after him on the playground.

Today, though, I track Douglas’s peregrinations, from the sandbox to the swings and then to a type of whirligig, a carousel powered by little feet or weary parents. None of these attractions holds his interest, though; none, perhaps, has an existence beyond his mysterious own. For me, they are merely hazards that could swipe Douglas’s head or pitch him face-first into rubbered turf. Or opportunities for hurting others, children who come to the playground to play, innocent of the dangers posed by a seemingly harmless peer who sees them not as beings or even things but, I believe, images that take up space. They are not separate from him but part of a larger, undefinable whole, an impenetrable is-ness that exists without dimension or feeling.

For Douglas does not feel, not entirely. He runs, he falls, stands and trips again, his shoulder ramming a sliding pole with a force that would send most children screaming. Yet he does not sob, not even a whimper. He does not grind his eyes and raise his tear-glistened cheeks to the darkest clouds and howl out loud for his father.

For if he did, I would come racing. I would sweep him into my arms and hug the hurt and loneliness out of him. I would kiss each freckle and rustle that strawberry hair, zip his jacket and double-knot his shoes. I love you, Douglas, I would whisper