Love Slows Down: How to Keep Anger and Anxiety from Ruining Life's Relationships

PART I

Consult Your Anger

1

Love Slows Down. Anger Speeds Up.

Love is patient…

it is not easily angered.

—1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient.

Most of the time, I am not.

Patient, that is.

Why should I be? We live in a world that pretty much gives me anything I want when I want it. Food. Entertainment. Information. Knowledge.

But there are some things in life that just don’t come quickly. In fact, oftentimes those things seem elusive and nearly impossible to get. I’m talking about the big things like love, joy, peace, contentment, fulfillment, and meaning. You want those things for yourself and your family. Love gives, and you’re doing your best to give your kids everything you had (or didn’t have) growing up. But at times, it seems like the whole world is conspiring to block every goal you have.

We have moments when it seems like things are on track. The relationship seems to be improving. The kids are starting to behave. Things at work have calmed down. You paid all the bills on time this month and had a little left over for fun.

But then it happens.

Whatever it is. The disagreement with your spouse. The car accident. A relapse of the illness. The phone call from your child’s school. The new project at work. The email from your ex. It throws things back into chaos, and you feel anxious, frustrated, and, well, angry.

Sometimes it just explodes out of nowhere, and your response scares you.

Your kids trigger your anger so quickly that you wonder if there is something really, deeply dangerous lurking inside you.

The raging lunatic you turn into in traffic leaves you feeling guilty and exhausted.

Trying to talk to an actual human on the customer service line brings out the R-rated language you hope your kids never hear you say.

Off-handed comments on social media resonate in your head, and you spend hours thinking about how you can lash out with your own mean responses.

You internalize all your anger about your job, end up feeling worn out all the time, and dread being at work.

Yes, call it frustration or irritation. It’s OK to admit it—you feel angry at times.

What’s worse, you know anger and anxiety are messing things up in your life.

You notice your kids haven’t been quite as willing to talk to you about their struggles since you lost it the last time they confessed. You and your spouse tiptoe around each other at home.

And then there’s the anxiety. It’s keeping you awake at night. It ruins what should be really enjoyable moments because you’re always worried about what could go wrong. You know it’s stressing you—and those around you—out.

Anger and anxiety are serious problems, and you know it. (By the way, anger and anxiety are directly connected. More on that shortly.)

It’s OK to acknowledge that you’re frustrated and anxious. It’s OK to admit that your pace of life has become a problem. After all, that’s why you picked up this book, right? People who don’t realize there’s a problem don’t read books that mention slow or anger in the title or subtitle. They just charge ahead, ignore the problem, see it get worse, and then have a meltdown.

And you know you don’t want that.

Which is probably what drew you to this book. You see the writing on the wall. You know life is going way too fast. You know you need to slow down. You know you feel angry—a lot. The tension is building. And you know you need to do something about it.

Trust me, you aren’t getting any judgment from this side of the page. I’ve struggled with anxiety and anger most of my life. It’s caused lots of regrets and broken relationships. Part of the reason I went to get a master’s degree in counseling was to help me sort through my own anger issues. In the process of learning how to help others, I realized that having people sit on a couch and share their fears and hurts with me wasn’t my style. So I started leading outdoor adventures instead. A kind of outdoor therapy—hiking to Machu Picchu, climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, rafting the Grand Canyon. My friend Mark Batterson describes what happens on those adventures this way:

Change of Pace + Change of Place = Change of Perspective

When we slow down our busy pace and take some time away, we get a chance to process our lives differently. It brings some clarity and insight.

That’s my goal with this book. I don’t want to add more to your plate. You’re already doing too much! I want to help shift your perspective. I want to help you slow down and see that there’s an amazing life full of love, joy, and peace out there, and you don’t have time to operate at half-capacity because you’re angry and worried. There’s too much adventure in life for you to miss out on because you are afraid and offended. You’ve got people who look up to you. You’ve got something to give to this world, and worry, frustration, and anger are holding you back.

But they don’t have to.

Let me offer some good news. It’s possible to live without constant fear and worry. It’s possible to control your anger and actually use it for good. Anger is just a sign that something needs to be resolved inside us. Anger isn’t bad or sinful. Whenever you feel anger, frustration, or anxiety about what is happening around you, it’s always because of something happening inside you. So to deal with anger, you have to learn to look just below the surface at what’s going on inside.

Anger is a symptom of fear. Anger and fear (anxiety) are always connected—which is why anger speeds up. When we feel something is threatening us, we kick into a fight-or-flight response that causes our bodies and minds to react and do whatever it takes to confront—or run from—the fear.

But love drives out fear. Which means love is also the solution to your anger. I’ll start explaining how shortly.

The question you probably want answered right from the start is this:

Why am I so anxious and angry?

Great question!

Here’s the simple answer: it’s because you have some hopes and dreams for you and your family, but there are threats all around you to those hopes and dreams. Every hope or dream you have can be narrowed down to one or more of three things:

Security. You want you and your family to be physically and emotionally safe and provided for.

Connection. You want loving relationships, validation, and acceptance from those around you.

Control. You want to feel empowered; you want choices and freedom for you and your family.

We all want the same things.

But everywhere you turn there’s something or someone standing in the way of getting those big three. Which is why you’re keeping a break-neck pace, doing your best to make sure you and your family achieve those hopes and dreams. When people, situations, or challenges threaten you, they trigger a deep part of you that leads to angry responses.

Fortunately, anger and fear don’t have to ruin your life. In fact, anger and fear can become your allies if you learn to use them correctly. They can shine a light on what’s holding you back from the life you really want.

Read on and I’ll explain…

2

Understand Yourself

A humble knowledge of thyself is a surer way to God than a deep search after learning.

—Thomas à Kempis

I lead people all over the world on adventure trips. We climb, hike, sail, raft, and do mission work across the globe. I have taken lots of people on adventure trips in dozens of countries, often in some pretty challenging environments. My team members come from all walks of life, all socioeconomic levels, and very diverse backgrounds. But I learned early on that no matter who the person is or where they’re from, people can endure pretty much any challenge if they are fed well and know where they are going to sleep. So before our teams head out into the wild, I make sure that we sleep in decent accommodations and have a great meal the first night. Then I do my best to keep them well fed on the trip. No matter what challenges we face while hiking, rafting, or sailing, if those basic needs are covered, the team members can handle pretty much any challenge. When they don’t get those things, the trip gets tense in a hurry.

Every human being is born with some basic needs that must be met throughout their entire lives. We all need security, connection, and control in our lives. Getting those needs met is what drives every hope and dream you have for yourself and your family. That better job, the new house, the dream marriage, the promotion, college for your kids, and padding that 401(k) retirement account are all aimed at achieving security, connection, and control.

And there’s nothing wrong with you for wanting those things. Wanting them doesn’t mean you’re weak or incapable. It just means you’re human. We were created to need those things.

In the biblical story of Adam and Eve, before they ate the forbidden fruit, they lived in a state of perfect fulfillment. God gave them everything they needed. All their needs were met.

They had security. They lived in a perfect environment with nothing to harm them.

They had perfect connection with each other and even with God Himself—so much so that God walked with them in the cool of the day.

They had tons of control. They had the run of the place. God just asked them to not do one thing: don’t eat from one tree. But they fell for a lie and misused their control—and as soon as they did, the first emotion they felt was fear. The perfect security, connection, and control they had from God were replaced with fear and shame. They felt naked and vulnerable. And we’ve all been feeling it ever since. The story of Adam and Eve explains why we all live with the fear of not getting those three needs met. We all feel insecure and inadequate.

Never forget this: every human being feels insecure.

That pushy, loud boss of yours—insecure. He just tries to hide it with aggression and attempting to convince everyone he’s right all the time.

That happy, never-discouraged friend—insecure. She just hides it with people-pleasing and humor.

Even the strongest of us feel like we aren’t enough at times. At some point, we all feel like outsiders. In psychology, we call this imposter syndrome. Try to build your self-esteem all you want, but deep down there’s a voice that says we aren’t what we should be. That feeling of not being enough is shame. Guilt says, I did something wrong. Shame is deeper; it says, "There is something wrong with me." Deep down we know the world is not what it should be, and neither are we. And just like Adam and Eve, we feel vulnerable and afraid that our needs won’t be met.

When we feel like something is threatening our security, connection, or control, it triggers emotions that help us fight off the negative feelings. And there is one emotion that promises us power in the face of feeling vulnerable.

That emotion is anger.

Anger: The Secondary Emotion

I bumped my head on the hood vent in our kitchen the other day. It hurt. Bad. My immediate reaction was to take my fist and punch the metal vent. The vent wasn’t bothered—but my hand sure was. It hurt for days. My reaction of punching that metal hood vent came so quickly that I didn’t have to think about it. I didn’t think about what the ultimate result of my action would be. I just responded with anger.

I’m guessing you can relate. We naturally react to what’s happening around us and to us. One of our most common reactions is anger or frustration.

Anger is always a secondary emotion. This means anger is a response to another emotion. Right before we feel anger, we always feel something else. Anger usually comes so quickly that we may not realize we even felt something else. It may only be for a split second, but there’s always an emotion or threat we feel right before it. Sometimes it’s a bunch of little emotions that build up over time. I’m embarrassed to say this, but the reason I went off on that hood vent was because it was the third time I had bumped my head on it that week. (That vent was constantly attacking me! We had a bumpy history.) We all have people and situations in our lives that we have enough experience with to know they are threats. Your brain remembers nearly everything, so it’s constantly processing what’s happening around you, looking for anything that could be a threat. It will react to anything that resembles what threatened our security, connection, or control in the past. Those reactions turn into patterns.

When I was kid, we adopted a dog named Taro. When we brought him home, we noticed that whenever we tried to pet him, he would flinch. He seemed afraid. But the weirdest thing was, sometimes Taro would go crazy and be super ferocious with certain people. I always felt sad for what he must have experienced before we adopted him that caused him to be so timid and sometimes so ferocious. Over time, with lots of love, Taro became more balanced.

We humans are way more emotionally complex than dogs, but just like Taro, we’ve all had experiences that stick with us and light up emotions and reactions within us. Sometimes they make us cower in fear; other times they make us attack. That’s why sometimes we get angry in a conversation or situation but aren’t exactly sure why. Your brain decided this situation is like a past experience that didn’t go well—so it reacts with anger or frustration, trying to protect you from the negative feelings you experienced before.

There is nearly always a pattern to what triggers your anger. That pattern is what I call your anger type. Depending on your personality and past experiences, your specific anger type will be one of the following three:

Security-based

Connection-based (people with this kind of anger prefer to call it frustration)

Control-based

My anger is control-based. When I start feeling angry, if I slow down and consult my anger, I always find it’s because something is threatening my control of a situation—which is why road traffic can transform me into a demon. Traffic doesn’t bother me because I feel my security is threatened by high speeds or reckless driving. (We’re going, like, seven miles per hour!) And it’s not because I feel a lack of connection with the drivers in the other cars around me. I have no desire to connect with them. I just want to get where I’m going, and all the cars around me are controlling my ability to do that! Feeling helpless in traffic makes me angry.

When I get all angry in the car, it has an effect on my wife, Emily. She’s much more laid back than me (thank heavens!). And she’s a person with connection-based anger (frustration). The traffic doesn’t make her angry, but my reaction to it does! She sees it as a threat to our connection. My insanity in traffic kills the good relational vibes she wants. To her, that traffic was an opportunity for quality time together, but I ruin the moment when I get angry. She has even threatened to walk home if I don’t get it under control. Anger in me comes from threats to control. Anger in Emily comes from threats to connection. Anger is a signal that, deep inside you, something is making you feel threatened.

Anger isn’t a sin. Anger is a sign.

In fact, there is such a thing as righteous anger. We should get angry at injustice. But even when your anger has good motives, you have to manage it correctly, or you’ll just become part of the problem you’re trying to confront. Righteous anger is real. But honestly, for most of us, our anger is more connected to feeling threatened. When we feel threatened, we tend to just react. But if you learn to properly manage your anger, it can actually be used as a force for good.

Anger can be a guide.

Like a road sign that gives you information about dangerous conditions ahead, anger can guide you to more self-awareness and insight. It can help you become the person you really want to be. But to get anger working for good, you need to recognize the source of your specific anger type.

The Source

You have good reasons for your anger. You have some past experiences of not getting the security, connection, or control you needed. When negative things happen and our needs aren’t met, we want to understand why. So we come up with explanations for ourselves. Sometimes those explanations give us a tainted