Grief After Homicide: Surviving, Mourning, Reconciling
By Alan Wolfelt
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Grief After Homicide - Alan Wolfelt
© 2021 by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Companion Press is an imprint of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, 3735 Broken Bow Road, Fort Collins, Colorado 80526.
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ISBN: 978-1-61722-303-7
CONTENTS
Welcome
In the Immediate Aftermath
Traumatic Grief
Do I Have PTSD?
PART 1:
Your Grief Over the Circumstances of the Homicide Death
Pronounced, Prolonged Shock and Psychic Numbing
Helplessness and Powerlessness
Fear, Anxiety, Dissociation
Explosive Emotions
Physical Symptoms
Seeking Information and Understanding
Interacting with Law Enforcement, the Judicial System, and the Media
Homicide Grief and Secondary Victimization
Homicide Grief and Grief Overload
PART 2:
Your Ongoing Grief
Your Unique Life
Searching and Yearning
Unfinished Business
Guilt and Regret
Sadness and Despair
Three Forgotten Truths
Mourning Your Grief
Mourning Need 1. Acknowledge the Circumstances and Reality of the Death
Mourning Need 2: Embrace the Pain of the Death and the Loss
Dosing Your Mourning
Mourning Need 3: Tell Your Story of the Death and the Life of the Person Who Died
Using Ceremony and Ritual to Engage with the Six Needs of Mourning
Mourning Need 4: Develop a New Self-Identity
Mourning Need 5: Search for Meaning
Mourning Need 6: Receive and Accept Help from Others
Caring for Yourself While You Mourn
Caring for Yourself Physically
Caring for Yourself Cognitively
Caring for Yourself Socially
Caring for Yourself Spiritually
Working Toward Reconciliation
A Final Word
The Homicide Griever’s Bill of Rights
WELCOME
There are no great people in this world, only great challenges which ordinary people rise to meet.
— William F. Halsey, Jr.
Someone you care about has died by homicide. I’m deeply sorry for your terrible loss.
As you know, homicide creates a grief like no other. Your normal and necessary grief has been made naturally complicated by the horrible circumstances of the death. What those circumstances are will vary widely among the readers who find their way to this book. Homicide is the act of one human killing another, whether intentionally (murder), unintentionally (manslaughter), or sometimes ambiguously, in the case of uncertain or suspicious causes of death, as well as some military deaths. No matter where the death of your loved one falls on this spectrum, I welcome you to this important discussion and source of support.
My first goal in writing this book is to help you feel seen, safe, and comforted. Our culture isn’t very good at acknowledging and supporting grief in general, and it’s especially bad at helping people affected by stigmatized types of death. Unfairly, deaths by homicide carry the burden of such a stigma. Even when the people who died in these awful situations are entirely innocent in what happened, and even though the friends and family members left behind are not to blame, survivors often experience social discomfort (and are sometimes even ostracized) because of the circumstances of the death.
Have you had friends and family members avoid you since the death? Have you felt