The Thriving Giver: 7 Principles for health professionals and caregivers to enhance self-care and prevent burnout

‘Using her own life as a laboratory for the impossible, Sarah Kuipers gives the reader a rich, detailed and deeply valuable formula to go from a life of depleting, soul-and-body-destroying, one-way caring relationships to a balance of other-care and self-care. She presents multiple case examples and multiple self-care methods. The hope and promise she offers is a satisfying life of caring for human suffering and need while personally being able to be joyful and healthy. A gem of a book.’

Thomas Skovholt, PhD, psychologist, Distinguished Professor Emeritus, University of Minnesota and co-author of The Resilient Practitioner

‘Healthcare professionals and all who care for others should read this outstanding book! In a well-researched, wise and superbly practical way, Sarah Kuipers takes you through simple, doable steps not only to reduce stress and prevent burnout, but also to feel energetic, happy and inspired while giving your best to others. This is your go-to book for taking care of the care-giver – your good self.’

Dr Richard Gillett, psychiatrist, author of the number-one bestseller It’s a Freakin’ Mess: How to Thrive in Divisive Times, and Overcoming Depression

‘At a time of such massive stress and strain on healthcare practitioners this book is essential reading. Sarah Kuipers has captured the nub of the matter and asks deep questions, such as Why are we so poor at looking after ourselves? Self-care needs to occupy a central role in any healthcare studies and this book really sets out the curriculum. With many first-hand stories, practical tips and methods for how to care for yourself, I cannot recommend it highly enough. This book is powerful, authentic and guides us toward true self-compassion.’

Dr Sarah Eagger, consultant psychiatrist and honorary senior clinical lecturer at Imperial College, London

‘This is a very well organized, well researched and meticulously thought-through book which is equally relevant for professionals and non-professionals. It gathers up and lays out so many of the principles we in the field know about but don’t always identify in this clear manner.’

Sue Schraer, psychotherapist and guest editor of The Psychotherapist

‘The Thriving Giver is a thorough, practical guide for caring professionals to maintain wellness and avoid burnout. Sarah Kuipers offers both personal warmth and professional understanding of the roots of exhaustion and burnout, and a comprehensive choice of approaches to help recovery and support continuing wellness.’

Elizabeth Wilde McCormick, psychotherapist and author of Change for the Better (5th edition) and Living on the Edge

‘This is a timely practical self-help guide for health professionals which covers the most common psychological pitfalls of carers. Based on the author’s personal and professional experience, it offers a range of referenced approaches to build your resilience and is ideal for those looking for skills to improve the quality of their lives – one step at a time.’

Dr Derek Chase, Fellow of the Royal College of General Practitioners

‘The Thriving Giver is a timely reminder to all of us in the caring professions that we need to discover – and implement – self-care strategies in order to head off or heal from burnout. ... This book should be on the recommended reading lists for all training schools and colleges in the complementary/integrative medical healthcare field.’

Jayney Goddard, President of The Complementary Medical Association, Fellow of the Royal Society of Medicine

‘The Thriving Giver is a timely and practical resource for caring professionals. The author provides a clear framework to assess and guard against stress and burnout through a range of evidence-based tools. Most importantly, she recognizes that, for many, the life experiences that drew them to their work have shaped counter-productive beliefs and behaviour patterns. She provides important foundations for releasing these unhelpful patterns and creating lasting practices to ensure that readers stay supported and nurtured in their work and wider lives.’

Jan Alcoe, co-author of Stillness in the Storm and publishing consultant in health and social care

‘The author has created a book based on incredible experience and knowledge that will help many healthcare professionals to withstand the pressures of modern life. ... Without stepping back and using the tools described in this book there is a risk of burnout or giving up a career that would otherwise be manageable with the techniques described.’

Dr David Beales, specialist in mind-body medicine and co-author of Reclaim Health

‘This book is a rousing call to action, inviting healthcare professionals to listen to their inner radar and commit to addressing their state of self-care. It shines a restorative light on doable ways and means to replenish the vital energy so needed for quality care. What’s so authentic is Sarah’s total transparency about her vulnerability and her matter-of-fact account of her own experiences of stress and burnout. ‘When you give from a cup that is overflowing, your giving is sustainable’ sums up this relevant and powerful how to book.’

Carole Falkner, consultant in healthcare organization development, Canada

‘If you’ve ever felt stressed out and overloaded, you’ve probably been given well-meaning advice from friends to take care of yourself. But what does that mean? And how do we do it effectively – even recharging our batteries in the process? That’s what this book is about. The author tells how to recognize early stress patterns in yourself and what to do to lighten the load and energize yourself. Here’s down-to-earth wisdom for everyday life that really works.’

Dr Hal Zina Bennett, bestselling author of Write from the Heart

‘This excellent book could be a valuable tool for mental health workers enabling them to enhance their own lives as well as their clients. The simple, practical strategies could also be really helpful for patients being discharged from hospital or a community setting.’

Caroline Black, psychotherapist

‘For anyone struggling with overwhelm in a caring profession, this book is for you! I wish I had read it during my own professional challenges. The author speaks simply and honestly about her own personal battle with burnout and through illustrative stories and easy-to-follow reflective exercises lays a clear path to finding your way back to the Thriving Giver that you truly are.’

Dorothy McCrady, former elementary school principal, Canada

‘Sarah Kuipers has put her considerable knowledge into these pages to create a clear and simple workbook for change. A timely reminder of what is important in life – especially now.’

Professor Ursula James, Visiting Teaching Fellow, Oxford University Medical School

‘This user-friendly book draws on up to date research and encourages busy health professionals to slow down and appreciate the need to care for themselves in the same way that they care for others. Rich examples bring the material to life. A really good reminder that self-care is not selfish if we want to be able to fully give to those around us. A great book to recommend to colleagues and friends.’

Dr Jodie Waterhouse, clinical psychologist

‘This is an important and timely book. I wish I had read it while training as a nurse before working in A&E, ICU and the operating theatre. ... I only learnt the importance of self-care many years later, after succumbing to chronic fatigue syndrome. This brilliant book, easy to read, full of useful information and resources, should be required reading for all caring professionals.’

Dr Jane Buckle, former nurse and lecturer for healthcare professionals

First published in Great Britain by Practical Inspiration Publishing, 2021

© Sarah Kuipers, 2021

The moral rights of the author have been asserted

ISBN 978-1-78860-254-9 (print)

978-1-78860-253-2 (epub)

978-1-78860-252-5 (mobi)

All rights reserved. This book, or any portion thereof, may not be reproduced without the express written permission of the author.

Every effort has been made to trace copyright holders and to obtain their permission for the use of copyright material. The publisher apologizes for any errors or omissions and would be grateful if notified of any corrections that should be incorporated in future reprints or editions of this book.

Disclaimer: important note for the reader

The exercises, strategies and recommendations presented in this book are not intended as a substitute for a consultation with, or advice from, qualified medical or psychotherapeutic professionals. The author and publishers cannot be held responsible for any loss, claim or damage arising from the use or misuse of materials in the book, or the failure to take medical advice.

In memory of Carole Hart, whose life exemplified that of a Thriving Giver, and in gratitude for her wisdom, encouragement and support in opening that possibility for me.

CONTENTS

Introduction

Is this book for you?

How to use this book

PART ONE: LAY THE FOUNDATIONS

Principle 1. Create supportive beliefs and behaviours

1a. Identify unhelpful behaviour patterns

1b. Create new, empowering beliefs

1c. Release your self-care saboteurs

Principle 2. Understand what’s happening

2a. Assess your wellbeing

2b. Stress: Recognize the warning signs

2c. Burnout: How to spot the tell-tale signs

2d. What are your risk factors?

PART TWO: CHERRY-PICK YOUR RESOURCES

Principle 3. Transform your thoughts and emotions

3a. Expressive writing

3b. The gift of gratitude

3c. Choose your questions

3d. Reach out for help: A sign of courage

Principle 4. Calm your anxiety

4a. Conscious breathing

4b. Remember the magical moments

4c. Grounding: Connect to the earth

Principle 5. Assertiveness: Step into your power

5a. Learn to say ‘no’

5b. Develop skills in assertiveness

5c. Become the architect of your life

5d. Create transition rituals

5e. Enrol support at home

Principle 6. Replenish your energy

6a. Family, friends and fun

6b. The joy of exercise and time in nature

6c. Music and creativity

Principle 7. Nourish your spirit

7a. Mindfulness and meditation

7b. Yoga, chi gong and tai chi

Epilogue

Afterword: What led me to write this book

Acknowledgements

Appendix A: Additional resources

Appendix B: Bibliography

References

Introduction

What is it that enables some healthcare professionals and caregivers to continue to give from a space of replenishment – even under relentless pressure – while others struggle and become depleted? This is the question I set out to answer after experiencing burnout, and this book brings together everything I have learnt. There are two key elements to mastering stress and creating a life in which you thrive. The first is having a comprehensive range of stress management and self-care resources. The second, and perhaps deeper, question is: what is holding you back from applying those strategies?

During my master’s in research studying stress and burnout in health professionals, one area that intrigued me was the importance of exploring the underlying patterns – many arising from childhood – that encourage us to take care of everyone else and ignore our own needs. When we have a tendency to keep everyone happy, find it hard to say ‘no’ or to set clear boundaries, it is more difficult to manage stress and continue giving our best.

Having identified the damaging impact of those disempowering traits in my own life, I subsequently observed them in many clients and training participants. They appear to be particularly prevalent in those drawn to the ‘helping’ professions. If you are a health or care professional, therapist, social worker or caregiver, or work in the non-profit sector, you may recognize some of those unhelpful patterns in yourself. When your work is more of a vocation, your passion, commitment or enthusiasm can often lead to a pattern of over-giving. If you are a parent, informal caregiver or someone who cares deeply for others, you may also have a tendency to put your own needs aside.

In order to create time in a busy schedule to de-stress, relax or recharge, it is important to release any disempowering patterns and learn to value yourself. If your job or life are emotionally demanding, it is also essential that you have a wide range of tools to manage stress, optimize self-care and develop your skills in assertiveness. When you fail to nurture yourself, you can only keep going for so long before becoming depleted.

The seven principles outlined in this book will help you develop effective resources to calm anxiety, manage emotional turmoil and set clear boundaries. When you reduce stress and care for your physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing, it becomes so much easier to avoid the life-changing impact of burnout, exhaustion or a stress-related illness.

This book will help you learn how to balance your own care with the care of others, and to develop a wide range of skills to master the inevitable challenges of our increasingly complex world. As a Thriving Giver, you can give from a cup that is overflowing, and your giving can be sustainable.

Is this book for you?

Are you a health or social care professional, informal caregiver or someone who is

•overwhelmed with the pressures of work or family commitments?

•exhausted?

•emotionally distressed or depleted?

•overworked?

•taking time off work due to stress?

•wondering how you can cope?

•feeling as if you have nothing left to give?

•worried about burning out?

If you answer ‘yes’ to some of those questions, then why not read on? The Thriving Giver will help you create a comprehensive toolkit of simple and effective tools to

•monitor your wellbeing

•calm your anxiety

•process and release emotional distress

•shift your mindset

•create a more balanced and nurturing life

•replenish body, mind and spirit

•infuse your life with more joy

When you manage stress effectively, optimize your wellbeing and create a life in which you thrive, it becomes so much easier to give from a space of replenishment, rather than depletion.

This book will also be helpful if you

•tend to put others first, while ignoring your own needs

•find it hard to say ‘no’ or to express your wants and needs

•believe that self-care is selfish

•allow people to take advantage of your kind nature

•struggle to set clear boundaries

•tend to take too much responsibility for others

•feel guilty taking time for yourself

•have a hard work ethic that stops you taking time for relaxation or pleasure

•worry about upsetting anyone

If you recognize any of these traits in yourself, then Principle 1 will help you unearth the roots of poor self-care, and learn to value and care for yourself. Then, it becomes so much easier to manage stress, prevent burnout and learn to thrive. The seven principles are designed to enable you to become a Thriving Giver. You may be surprised to discover that your family, friends, clients, patients* or colleagues will also benefit when you find ways to calm your mind, relax your body and take time to recharge.

How to use this book

In the past, you may have experienced how easy it is to get drawn into a book and be inspired as you devour the chapters. You want to race through to the end, maybe with an unconscious wish that, as you read, you magically acquire the necessary skills. Unfortunately, transforming your life requires time and commitment, so I invite you to focus on only one section at a time. It is better to wait until you become adept at applying a new skill or resource before moving on. This will also help you avoid becoming overwhelmed. Consistently applying one key strategy can yield remarkable results, while also benefitting many areas of your life. Starting now, reading one section is all that is needed to set you on the path towards a more balanced, nurturing and fulfilling life.

The following diagram shows the seven principles represented as a flower. As you can see, the principles can be divided into two parts.

Part One: Lay the foundations

Principles 1 and 2 make up the ‘base’, or ovary, of the flower, without which the petals cannot emerge. Principle 1. Create supportive beliefs and behaviours encourages you to value and respect yourself, prioritize your wellbeing and develop the confidence to be more assertive.

You then learn to monitor your stress levels and other aspects of your wellbeing with Principle 2. Understand what’s happening. This helps ensure that you never get too close to the critical zone of exhaustion, burnout or breakdown, while also guiding you towards the most helpful resources later in the book.

I recommend that you lay strong foundations by reading all of Part One before progressing to Part Two.

However, if you are currently struggling with emotional turmoil, you may find it helpful to begin by reading 3a. Expressive writing. This is a fantastic tool to help you identify, release and process distressing emotions. Similarly, if you frequently experience anxiety, you could go directly to Principle 4. Calm your anxiety and discover which of the three approaches work most effectively for you. After you have mastered those skills, you can return to Principle 1. Create supportive beliefs and behaviours.

If you are already adept at balancing your own needs with those of others, and are comfortable in setting clear boundaries and expressing your needs, you may prefer to start with Principle 2. It is helpful to understand your risk factors before creating your personalized toolkit of strategies.

Part Two: Cherry-pick your resources

In the diagram, Principles 3 to 7 are represented by the five petals of the flower, and comprise the following.

•Principle 3. Transform your thoughts and emotions

•Principle 4. Calm your anxiety

•Principle 5. Assertiveness: Step into your power

•Principle 6. Replenish your energy

•Principle 7. Nourish your spirit

Each of these principles is made up of several sections presenting a range of simple and effective strategies. You are likely to already have some valuable tools in place that relate to certain principles. When creating your toolkit of resources, you can choose the ones that are most relevant for you, and work through them in any order you like. You may have a sense of which would be most helpful. If not, the overview at the beginning of each principle will help direct you towards the section you wish to focus on first.

As you explore these seven principles, if you become aware of something holding you back from valuing yourself, I encourage you to review Principle 1. Create supportive beliefs and behaviours. By releasing any unhelpful traits, you will feel so much more comfortable and confident about creating and sustaining a life in which you can thrive.

Reflective and experiential exercises

Every section incorporates exercises to help you