Seahorse

Copyright © 2019 Khara L. Campbell.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Interior art/graphics: Jaro Nemčok, Professor Laszlo Seress, Khara Campbell

Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Archway Publishing

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4808-7426-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-7427-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-7425-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019901712

Archway Publishing rev. date: 04/09/2019

Contents

Acknowledgements

Preface

One Caroline

Two Chris

3.1 Caroline

Four Caroline

Five Caroline

6.2 Caroline

Seven Caroline

Eight Caroline

Nine Caroline

Ten Caroline

Eleven Caroline

Twelve Caroline

13.1 Caroline

Fourteen Caroline

Fifteen Caroline

Sixteen Caroline

Seventeen Caroline

Eighteen Caroline

Nineteen Caroline

Twenty Caroline

Twenty One Caroline

Twenty Two Caroline

Twenty Three Caroline

Twenty Four Caroline

Twenty Five Caroline

26.2 Chris

Chris

For My Family

Acknowledgements

This book is dedicated to no less than three groups of invaluable people:

1. To the incredible women in my life who supported and encouraged me in this process, gave me their time, energy, thoughts, smarts. Annie Avlon and Sam Hanlon, this would be nothing without you. Allicia Elias – thank you for taking my calls when I had medical questions and pointing me in the right direction when it was outside your sphere. Katelyn Campbell, Robynne DeCaprio Cucinotta, Kim Walton Thomas, Anna Folwell, Kate Baldacchi Paradiso, Kirsten Giannelli, Sarah Doerrer, Julie Johnsen, Rita Colimon, Caroline Kim, Carmen Doi-Dietz, Elizabeth Ayers, Elizabeth Bohnel and of course, my editor, Roz Weisberg – your time, care, and feedback helped me get to that next mile. Thank you. (And an honorary gold star to my friend, Dave Wedge, who supported me from the get-go)

2. To my FAMILY. Brothers, sister, parents, and inimitable extended family: you’re everything to me. Ashley, I cried every time I’d write our scenes. You are my star and biggest support. Mom, without you this never would’ve happened. You made me relentless, and definitely taught me how to fight. You made me tough and sensitive, and as an artist, however painful, it’s a winning combination. Thank you. Dad, I love you; your work ethic and sense of humor shapes my perspective and helps me get through the tough days. To Pat and the late Connie Stone – there are few words to express the gratitude I have for you. The best I can say, is that you showed me the world and changed my life. And to my brothers – I love you so much. Thank you for making me your rough and tumble, kid sister, and for always being someone I look up to.

3. To every person affected by this senseless disease; to those who survive, to those who are in the throes of battle, and to those who were robbed of more years with their loved ones, I hope this gives you a voice. A way to be seen, heard, understood, never forgotten, never alone. To the families of those with cancer: YOU GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR. I know this, because I asked. I know you are the light, the strength, the love that fuels them. To Mary Long, who shared her experiences with me, and told me to ‘Keep Running’ before she passed, leaving her children and loved ones behind. To Leah Fabrizio Busa – taken from her husband and children, her mother and siblings, far too soon. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. Your voice as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, survivor, friend, woman with cancer came through. I felt so close to you the moment we began talking, as if it was supposed to happen. Born just 3 weeks apart, raised 15 minutes from one another, with our snide sense of humor, and our shared New England Patriots crushes, there was an element of ‘mirror image’ in us. I felt a sisterhood, a bond, though our lives were on completely different paths. My life took me to California to pursue a dream, yours to your hometown to raise a family. So close, and so far away, until the Universe brought us together just 2 ½ months before you passed. We were given that tiny window, those few conversations, but it was enough. You touched my life, you passed your fighting spirit on to me.

I was told after you passed, that it was a great release for you to be able to talk to someone… If that’s what I did, and it helped you, I’m humbled. If I provided one iota of relief, I’m humbled.

Family, friends, and incredible, beautiful, strong, powerful women: Thank you for giving me the opportunity, strength, support, and inspiration to write this, to believe, and to make sure this story was told. If it provides readers one iota of relief, I am grateful.

Preface

This book came about, quite simply, when I was on the phone with a friend. He asked me if I was living the life I wanted.

What would you want to do if you found out you had 6 months to live? he asked. Hello? Hello?

I couldn’t speak. It’s not that I’ve never heard that question before, it’s just that this time, for some reason, it hit me, choked me, and the tears ran down my face. I have so much more to do, so much more to give, I thought. To imagine me, with a debilitating illness that would take me in 6 months, I had no words. That could never be my reality. I’m a marathon runner, a more than healthy person. (Ok, I like my wine and cookies, but primarily, I’m a beast). So how could I ever be sick?

Because that’s the way it goes sometimes. Sometimes very healthy, young people get sick. And that is tragic, and it shouldn’t be this way, but it is. So I put myself in those shoes.

Finally, the words came back.

I’d want to have a baby, I said. I’ve pretty much done everything else.

We all know it takes 9 months to have a child, so I had to create the circumstances which would allow for that. But the truth is, cancer while pregnant DOES happen. And BAC, or what is now called lung adenocarcinoma, does happen to non-smoking, younger women. It’s a rare cancer, but it happens. There are many theories as to how cancer is caused while pregnant: the hormones from pregnancy, or whether or not fertility drugs were taken. That’s right, some studies suggest fertility drugs can cause cancer. We just don’t know. But we do know it’s happening. We can all name someone we lost to cancer far too young – but what do we do?

This story isn’t going to cure cancer. My gift is not medicine, but I thank God for those who do practice, and for those searching for a cure, better treatment, and alternatives. I can create awareness with my stories, but awareness isn’t action. Together, we have to create solutions. I had the pleasure of connecting with a young man who did just that. David Hysong, who was diagnosed with a rare form of head and neck cancer in his 20s, founded Shepherd Therapeutics by the age of 30. He makes it his mission to find treatments for rare forms of cancer – and rare cancer, by the way, is the third leading cause of death in the United States. Third. And if you think, once again, Oh, cancer could never happen to me. I’m healthy, I’m young… David was training to be a Navy SEAL when he was diagnosed.

It. Can. Happen. To. Anyone.

I lost people around me to diabetes and heart disease and cancer… I lost my brother when I was a little girl. Loss for me, started at a young age - some health related, some tragic – but it taught me those early lessons; to take care of my health, appreciate others, and be grateful for the moments. I know how quickly it can all go. Trite or not, life is a gift, and I wrote down a slice of it in the pages you’re about to (hopefully) get lost in.

It was my love for life’s complex and magical moments which propelled me to lose myself in these pages, too. I hope once you’re finished, you’ll look at your own, see the magic and wonder in it, and let the people around you know how much they color the chapters of your life.

I did my research - asking questions of medical professionals and scouring the internet – but also, living. I connected with people – with and without cancer. Listening to how people feel is a necessary ingredient to existing in this world, especially when we are buried in the momentary, superficial, digital experience. I like my iphone, too, and Instagram and Facebook… but feeding ourselves the quick fix - 100 times a day - adds up. I hope we can all make time to listen to and connect with one another. NOTHING beats face-to-face time.

Now, get lost.

Khara Campbell

August 23, 2018

Santa Monica, CA

I always thought if you ran fast enough,

you could outrun it;

Time, age, sickness …

And for a while, you can.

-Caroline Shaughnessy, 2016

one

Caroline

C rickets. It’s so quiet this time of morning, all you hear are crickets. Crickets and the sound of the ocean; even the seagulls are tuc ked into their winged slumber. The waves crash in, retire back, and return—nature’s metronome and simultaneous affirmation that all is a cycle, something you can count on no matter what. It soothes me.

It’s dark as I pull myself out of bed and tip toe toward the door. He’ll be up in ten minutes anyway, but my feet respect his sleep. I turn back in the doorway to watch him, his peaceful face, his pillow-dented, spiky, brown hair, his chest rising and falling. I read that gratitude is something you should start your day with, and I’m filled with it. Two nobodies – I, from a gritty, nobody-town like Tewksbury, MA and Chris, from a much less gritty, but even more invisible Carlisle, Massachusetts – who used what we learned from the industrious rank and file to achieve the lives of the fortunate. I didn’t come from much, he slightly more, but we put our heads down and carved our paths; the careers, the lifestyle, the house on the beach, and most importantly, each other. I feel nothing short of gratitude when I stop and listen to the life we always wanted.

I move through our home in the dark, padding through the hallway and down the stairs of our modern colonial, open floor plan with a shit-ton of windows and white columns, Restoration Hardware vases filled with multicolored roses and hydrangeas. Chris is incredible about getting me flowers; he knows how much a simple thing like that can make a girl smile. At the base of the stairs, a giant blue-green seahorse painting. I’ve always liked seahorses; they’re romantics, originals, and they don’t swim the same way other fish do. We could learn a lot from seahorses. I continue, passing glass light fixtures, teal rugs, plush, sand-colored couches you can sink into, coffee table art books, and finally, on an end table, my favorite anti picture of us. The wind blew the hair in our eyes the moment the picture was snapped, and neither of us looked at the camera, or each other. That kind. I think we got in a fight after—or wicked drunk. Maybe both. Eh. But it’s that picture that encapsulates what I learned about love. Life - and love - isn’t perfect.

Before Chris, I was dangerously close to losing faith that there was anyone out there for me. I was alone and overwhelmed by constant disappointment and had allowed myself to be treated poorly by quite a few men, back to back to back. I mean, wasn’t that all that was out there? Had I not had so many painful experiences, though, I don’t know if I would’ve appreciated him for the man he is. He isn’t perfect– we aren’t perfect- but in my mind, he’s pretty damn close. And that helps, because I can be a total asshole. He makes me a better person, and more importantly, he makes me want to be a better person. That’s the biggest gift love can bring – that the world gets better people in it. The quest for love is a hell of a motivator. Anyway, I dig that picture.

Our morning ritual is simple: I make coffee for us and burn off my type-A tendencies and anxieties on an aggressive 10k run, while my peaceful opposite fishes. Yes, all the way up to his freaking thighs. But winter, spring, summer, or fall, he’s out there casting and reeling. Funny, that’s how he got me, too. I fell for him hook, line, and sinker.

Chris

I snap awake. I reach to my right, my hand searches for her. Gone. My eyes adjust, and I see the sheer curtains that separate us from the windows which separate us from the waves crashing below. My panic ceases and relief sweeps over as soon I breathe in the freshly brewed coffee and faint scent of her hair. I peel out of bed and trod downstairs, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. As I pour a steamy cup, and as I lift it, I see her whisk past me in a flash of fuchsia and blue. She’s on a mission.

Bye honey, my morning voice grumbles. Slam. She must have her headphones in. Oh well. Oh well-oh-well-oh-well, I mutter to myself as I shuffle across the cold, tile floor.

Caroline

I tighten my sneakers and Velcro my armband in place on my lean, little arm. They’ve always been disproportionately thin despite the bump of a bicep. My calves have always been huge, the kind you squeeze into tall boots or are strangely snug against the seams of even your roomiest jeans. Anyway, I run six miles a day at a competitive pace, and that’s when I’m not training for a marathon. I like to start the day off right and run with a goal: get faster, run harder, improve. Our rituals are totally opposite, but they keep us sane.

I force myself out the front door and down the block of our black-paved, green-lined street. The smell of wet grass and salty air inspires a deep breath in, and although spring has sprung, the stinging air shocks me awake. For a moment, I debate heading back to the snuggled safety of my warm bed … but it only lasts a second. The conditioned know the hardest part is always the beginning.

If everything were easy, you’d never learn what you’re made of. That’s what my husband says, sometimes to remind himself, sometimes to remind me. I lunge forward, turn my music up, and leave my white, wealthy, 3.2-children-husband-works-in- finance-wifey-stays-home neighborhood in this oceanside town of Cohasset, Massachusetts. I’ve been here two years and I haven’t been able to relate to the women here. They think those of us with careers are cold. They judge without knowing anything about you, and don’t bother to consider that maybe, just maybe, you’re having a hard time getting pregnant.

Come on, Caro, I tell myself. Push.

I stomp up the street and head to the main road, the ocean to the east, Mike’s Package Store on the west. Two rugged guys in their late forties with thick, salt-and-pepper beards and cigarettes disappearing deep into them, look up and nod at me before stepping into their salty, rusted pickup truck. We see each other every morning; they’re in construction or something labor intensive. Good guys. On the opposite side, near a rustic gift shop, there’s Scowl Lady. Well dressed and probably in her thirties – but looks older - she crosses the street hurrying her two sons, roughly ages five and three. Her face wrinkles in resentment and scorn for me. I know this look. It says,

"Must be nice. Wish I had time for a run."

To which my squinted eyes and confrontational stare fire, Why, yes, Scowl Lady, it is. Don’t take it out on me. I wasn’t the one dumping sperm in you.

Classy as ever, she says.

Well, you do this every day.

"Do what?"

"That look. You give me that look that says, ‘The saintly and blessed have children, the selfish and wicked do not.’"

If the shoe fits, she snorts, followed by the ever-vicious, No wonder you don’t have kids. And she grabs her sons and storms off.

Okay, that never happened. But that’s what I would say. Imaginary conversations can get me through many miles, it passes the time. Sometimes nasty conversations are better than none, especially when the only person you have to talk to is yourself. I used to run with my friends when we lived in the city, but we all moved away from the fun and excitement of Boston a few years ago. We’re all in different parts of the country now, and that transition from lots of friends to none has been harder than I think a lot of women mention. Or maybe, a lot of women are on the same life schedule; marriage, kids, etc, as their friends. I’ve always been a late bloomer, and somehow, that tardiness has resulted in being left behind.

I trample onto the path. The woman’s voice on my app tells me I hit four miles and that my pace is 8:05. To come in around eight minutes per mile, that’d be a good morning. Some people are born runners. Not me. It takes a lot of work for me to be fast, and even though I’ve run a few marathons, my pace isn’t fast enough to qualify for Boston. That’s one of my life’s great failures—being too slow for Boston—but you can run it for charity, and that’s a nice way in.

Chris

The sunrise leaves a perfect pink and orange aura over a deep, dark sea. It’s April —ankle-numbingly cold in the Atlantic, but then again, it’s always ankle-numbingly cold in the Atlantic.

I cast my line. The loud plunk is music to my ears, the expanding ripples, a masterpiece in motion. I reel in, stand, wait… The water might hit sixty-six degrees at the peak of summer, but not likely. Low sixties is all we ever get, unless you go down the Vineyard, where it’s a generous seventy degrees. We’re not far from the Cape and the islands, but far enough to freeze our balls off. I cherish my morning ritual - solitary, tranquil, filled with possibility, and the perfect way to start my day. I cast my line.

Plunk!

Ah, a symphony! Reel in, stand, wait. I check my watch, to see if she’s there. 6:48. Nope, not yet.

Five more minutes, Legs. Four or five more, depending on the morning.

I lift a cigarette to my mouth. I quit a few years back and even then I only smoked at the bar, but sometimes it’s nice to have a leisurely smoke. It’s morning, it’s beautiful, and I’m free to do what I like. I strike the match, bring it toward my mouth, and suddenly realize: it’s morning, it’s beautiful. I bend the butt in half and put it back in my pocket – don’t want to give the fish cancer.

Some things we’re meant to quit, I say. My wife said that to me when I was trying to.

My wife, she’s a force. A beauty. A beast. And if I told you the things she overcame, you wouldn’t believe she turned out the way she did. She will never, ever complain, and she will take more shit than she’d ever give out - often to her detriment - but she is a survivor. Somehow, she came out believing in the Good - in others, in dreams, and in ourselves. I didn’t just fall in love with her because she’s beautiful, I fell in love with her because of who she is. She is the kind of person who makes me want to protect her – and while my marathon-running-tough-as-nails-warrior-wife doesn’t much need it – I still want to. If anything ever happened to her…

My eyes dart right, but I don’t turn. See, I know she’s not there yet, so I’m not wasting a look. We have this thing down to a science, this fun, little game we play. I can’t look back toward the windows until I know she’s there, till I can feel her there. I know it sounds nuts, but that’s why it’s fun. And because we’ve gotten really good at it. There’s something about a look, you know? A look you share with someone that no one else understands.

Most guys won’t tell you this, but there are two moments in a man’s life when he looks at the woman he loves with tears in his eyes. She glided triumphantly toward me—her white smile to match her white dress; squinted, sparkly eyes, and rose-tinted lips. She never believed it was going to happen for her—not just getting married, but marrying the love of her life. She was waiting for the real thing – I guess I was, too. Sometimes what you really want takes longer to get there. Anyway, that hot September day, she was radiant, stunning - and I was a blubbering mess. You could swim in the pools of my eyeballs. But that was it, that was the moment I knew everything I’d done to that point was for this.

It’s getting to be that time. I imagine her rounding the bend and getting closer. A smile cracks across my wind-chilled face at the thought. In a matter of seconds she’ll be standing there, waving to me from the other side of the glass. Five, Four, Three, Two…

Caroline

The voice on my app tells me I hit six miles. I round the bend toward my street, Wellfleet Circle, and I can see our home. I pick up the pace, power through with everything I’ve got, almost there, closer, closer, I’ve got more in me, I’ve got to make eight minutes flat.

"Come on, Caro, push." I speed up for the last few steps, all the way up the driveway. I have to go the full 6.2; 6.1 isn’t the same. As I reach the end, I’ve hit it: 6.2 miles. I check my pace: 7:59/mile. Boom!

I’m a dripping pool of salty sweat after my abusive, cardio beat-down, and I feel great. I’m gonna crush today! Shower, have a healthy breakfast, and crush it! I am unstoppable! But first …

I stroll up to our French doors, a hundred yards from the water and stand there, watching him. That face.

Damn, did I get lucky.

I wait for him to turn back - it’s a matter of seconds before he senses me. He looks back, meets my gaze, and we wave. Perfect, simple, and the only way to start my day.

My black Mercedes - or ‘the Panther,’ known for her sleek body and breakneck speed - pulls into the garage of Dionysus Ad Agency in Boston, aptly named after the Greek god of epiphany. Dionysus was also the God of theatre, wine, and fertility, and was described as a sensuous, androgynous type. Womanly, or man-womanish, and his thiasus, or retained followers, were crazy, drunk chicks and satyrs with hard-ons. I’m not even joking. I walk through the main lobby past the towering sculpture of a Greek satyr. Yes, that is a pipe case HANGING from his giant erection. The Greeks liked to fuck and drink … so do my coworkers.

Anyway, as Creative Director, I’m the female version of Don Draper - minus the excessive booze, philandering, and cigarette smoke. I’ve been at this hip, somewhat progressive company for eight years and am one of only two women to hold that position in Boston. Competition is the name of the ad game, and to never, ever rest on your laurels.

Once you rest, you’re dead, a twenty-eight-year-old hotshot repeats to me, standing over my desk.

That’s right, Kevin, I say, sighing over a shoddy storyboard he’s thrown together. "It looks to me like you’re Rip Van Winkle. What is this? I point to the perfectly wrong couple for this ad. Aspirational and inspirational? Please."

The couple is consumer-friendly, as he points to their pajama-inspired wardrobe.

"Those two? You’re right, you didn’t alienate the consumer with a Brad Pitt look-alike and a twenty-year-old waif, but does flannel and a Dad-bod inspire you? Sophistication, Kevin! This is BMW!" I stand and pace a bit, hoping to walk it off.

I know.

I know you know! I don’t want to take you off this, Kev, but I will if I have to. Your two minions, Dim and Dimmer, would kill for an account like this. What’s going on?

I – I hit it pretty hard last night.

"That’s your answer. Hammered at the Seaport with the rest of the degenerates. That’s your excuse