The Mythology of Childhood

Consequences

There are consequences for the things that happen in our lives. If you tell someone that they are your friend you need to be there for them, if you lose someone you love you need to grieve, and if you beat someone half to death you need to face the music. Strangely it was that last consequence that Andrew faced first. Despite having been off his head on crystal meth he'd been accurate in his observation, that nightmare day, as he'd snuck into the house after ditching class and spending the afternoon getting high with his loser friends. There was no doubt in his mind that he'd seen his stepmother put just a little bleach into his little sister's apple juice. His sister had been mysteriously ill on and off for four months. Enough said. Andrew reacted with his fists, which wasn't who he was. It was the drug talking, making him into a monster. It wasn't until he realized that his nine year old sister was screaming and that there was blood on his fists that he stopped punching and crashed.

Rehab was another kind of hell. Different from the hell of watching his mother die of cancer. Different from the hell of watching his father's misguided decision to remarry. Different from the hell of watching helplessly as his sister became ill. And different again from the decision to attempt, at fourteen, to silently destroy his own life with drugs, but as painful as it was, it was nothing to becoming clearheaded again and facing the consequences of what he'd done to his stepmother.

Shame? Remorse? Disgust? He knew that his stepmother wasn't a good person, she'd been slowly poisoning his little sister for God's sake, and it wasn't that Andrew didn't think that violence wasn't sometimes appropriate. If someone hit him or threatened him or someone he loved, he would hit back, and he wouldn't have a problem with that, but his stepmother had needed reconstructive surgery to put her face back together. He told himself that it was the drugs . . . but was it really? Was he a monster?

The courts decided that as a minor who had been under the influence of drugs he could not be held responsible for his actions, unlike his stepmother who had been sentenced to seven years in prison. After the courts had decided and the divorce was final, his father had made the unilateral decision to pack them up and ship them west. As far west as they could go. The islands off the coast of British Columbia.

New life. New school. New house. Andrew wasn't sure that he cared, he was still just going through the motions when they arrived in the little town on the west coast of Vancouver Island. But slowly he regained an interest. He liked the house. The new house was old. It had a wood stove in the kitchen and his father put him in charge of chopping and loading the wood. It was on a small acreage with plenty of space to wander. There was a copse of trees where he took to spending his afternoons, weather permitting. Walking and smoking where his father couldn't give him a hard time for the vice he'd picked up during his time as a misfit, the one vice that, out of some sort of stubborn resistance, he had held onto. But he wasn't sure that he wasn't still a misfit. He had no interest in finding friends and when he started attending the local high school that spring, a few weeks after the move, he made sure that everybody knew it. He avoided eye contact and didn't speak unless spoken to. He did his homework, kept his grades up and stayed out of trouble, but otherwise, he had his dad and his sister for company.

He was a year behind owing to everything that had happened, so there he was at seventeen finishing off grade eleven, starting grade twelve. I wasn't a big deal. He'd made it obvious to everyone that he wanted space so he attended classes and then headed home as quickly as he could after school. He didn't pay attention to the other kids except to grunt acquiescence every now and again when another student needed a light at the smoke pit. That was it. So of course it came as a complete surprise when one day as he walked quickly and purposefully home from school along the country road, to see the strange girl standing at the end of the neighbour's drive watching him approach. It felt like all of a sudden he was trapped in a time warp. All of the houses along that route were old. Like, eighty to one-hundred years old, and there were blossoming fruit trees obliterating the power lines. She wore a practical but well cut dress that was nothing like what the other girls wore to school.

Light green stripes. Buttons down the front. A tie at the waist. The skirt fluttered a bit in the breeze. Her hair was a strange colour, somewhere between mousy brown and strawberry blond, parted down the side and tied over one shoulder. She was wearing practical brown leather lace up shoes and she shuffled her feet slightly as he drew near. What the fuck is she doing there? She's just standing there staring? Andrew tried not to stare back as he approached but he couldn't help being a bit weirded out by her and, where the hell had she come from anyway? Was she really his neighbour, and why did she make the road and everything else around them look like a nineteen-forties time warp? As he approached he tried to make out her face but he didn't have a clue as to whether she was plain or beautiful. He got close enough to look into her eyes. She was still staring. He came to a stop and got caught in a crazy soul-gaze. She had incredible eyes. Mixed colour. Amber around the pupils radiating out through sea green into deep indigo rings. He knew that he ought to feel awkward but staring seemed to be okay with her, so he just stood there and waited for her to make the first move. She tilted her head slightly and smiled an ambiguous smile, then extended a sheaf of papers towards him. He pulled his gaze away from her eyes and looked down at the papers. She wasn't saying anything. He reached out a hand and tentatively took the papers from her.

Are these . . . for me?

She smiled a little deeper then nodded. There was a strange emphasis to her nod. The movement itself wasn't exactly odd but the intent and clarity of it was.

Um . . . Thanks? Andrew squinted in confusion and watched as the girl turned and walked away from him back up the drive to the rambling blue and white farm house. A strange tentative walk, almost on tiptoe. She swung her arms and her fingertips fluttered.

He looked back down at the papers and then picked up the pace and hurried the few hundred metres to his own drive and up into the house. At the table, after he'd wandered the woods for twenty minutes with a cigarette or two, he sat down and looked over the papers from the girl on the road. There was a post it note stuck to the front, with pathologically neat cursive handwriting on it.

Boy next door, it read.

My locker is outside of the classroom where you attend Social Studies 11. I completed this course last year in Kamloops. I couldn't help overhear, during my spare block yesterday, that Mr. Nichols assigned year-end projects and that your subject is the same as what I did last year. You may have my paper to re-write. Please do not copy it verbatim. That would be lame. I have included my notes and bibliography and, as you can see, my grade was adequate.

Good luck

He pulled off the post it note. A+ was scrawled in messy teacher writing across the title page. The girl had given him a paper with all of the research done. This was going to save him hours of work. A rewrite would be easy. But was the old fashioned looking girl really just giving this to him with no strings attached? He looked at the name on the title page. Miranda Hopkins. He would have to watch for her at school. He didn't look around much at the people at school but surely he would have noticed that girl?

The New Boy

Miranda noticed the new boy right away. She listened to the whispers of the other kids, the girls gossiping in the bathroom.

He's cute.

No he isn't. He needs a haircut and he looks sulky. He’d be hot if he tried though.

I don't know, I think he looks kinda bad, like he doesn't give a fuck.

Miranda had waited until the other girls left the washroom before sneaking out of her stall and carefully washing her hands. Miranda overheard more at that school than anyone would ever think or know. Even if she had been right where they could see her, the girls would have still said what they had. Now that the kids here were used to her, she was invisible.

Miranda had been the new kid only a few short months earlier, but any interest that the others may have shown in her at first had long since faded and now, weeks after the new boy had arrived, he was invisible too. He made it obvious that that was what he wanted. At first Miranda had thought that maybe he was like her, but eventually she came to the conclusion that his invisibility was voluntary. He wasn't invisible to her though, and she watched him with a strange interest that she didn't fully understand.

She wasn't sure if she thought that he was cute. She tended to think, like 'girl number two' in the bathroom, that he needed a haircut. He never smelled bad exactly—Miranda would know, she had a nose like a bloodhound and would have been able to smell body odour, even over the smell of cigarettes, just from walking past him in the hall—but personal grooming didn't seem to be his priority. He was perpetually rumpled and usually a day or so past the point at which he should have shaved. He wore black. Black jacket, jeans, sneakers, and his hair was a little lank, but he had clear skin and he wasn't a skinny awkward geek. Any time he wasn't in class he kept his nose in a book, either homework reading, or fiction, but he never socialized. He never looked at anyone. Contrary to many like her, Miranda actually did alright with facial expressions. She could nail the basics, like happy, sad, hurt, and angry—actually, anger was a huge anxiety trigger for her—but some of the less frequent expressions like disgust, confusion, and boredom, were harder to peg. She had trouble telling disgust from dismay, and she wasn't sure if she could truly identify boredom as she suspected that it was always masked by the polite veneer of socially appropriate patience, but she looked at the new boy's face whenever she got the chance, and tried to read his expression. To her his expression looked . . . bruised? Was that it? Not broken just . . . bruised.

So Miranda watched and as she watched she wished that she wasn't invisible to him. But she couldn't just walk up to him in the hall and say, Hi. Not only was that just plain old impossible but she didn't think that, even if she could do it, that it would have the desired effect. He would smile without looking at her and then wander off. He didn't want friends in the normal sense. If he did he would already have them. Miranda was taking Civilizations Twelve that semester and as she sat in class and listened to the lesson and made the odd note on the sheet of notes that had been printed off for her, she had a string of thoughts passing through her mind that were completely unrelated to the lesson. This was very unusual and it left her feeling unsettled. She didn't know what to do about the boy.

His name is Andrew. Stop thinking of him as the boy, she told herself as she walked a hundred or so metres behind him on the way home. He walked so fast that she always watched his back on the walk home and he probably didn't even realize that everyday, day after day, she was behind him. So she watched and she walked and she thought as his black clad back became smaller and smaller. The next morning, standing at her locker, a solution came along as she heard Mr. Nichols, the Socials teacher, address Andrew. There is only one essay topic left Andrew, and I see that you haven't made your selection, so 'How the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand triggered the start of WW1,' is yours.

Miranda smiled hearing the topic. If anyone noticed her smile as she stood there alone in the hall they would have put it down to some tick or random oddness of hers, not the happy topic of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. The hard part was going to be getting home before Andrew left school, but she could arrange something.

That day as she sat eating her lunch at a quiet table next to the school librarian's office she texted her mom.

_Mom, I want to leave school early today. I'm not sick and I'm not trying to do anything very bad but I feel silly telling you why I want to leave early. It's not really that important but I have a thing that I want to do and I would like to do it today. Would you please call the school so I can leave early?

Miranda couldn't lie. She could 'not tell the whole truth', but if she wasn't telling the truth she felt obligated to explain why she wasn't telling the truth. Her relationship with her mother was such that she felt comfortable asking for favours like this. It wasn't something that she asked for often and her mother was generally reasonable and flexible.

Miranda's phone vibrated with the returning text:

_You sure you're okay baby?

Miranda responded:

_Yes, I'm fine. I would simply like to go home an hour early today for a reason that might be silly and a little bit against the rules, but not very much against the rules. Could I?

_Tell me what it is and I'll consider it.

_I want to give the boy next door my paper from SS11 to help him with his research. You drive me to school in the morning so I can't give it to him then, and I feel too shy to walk to his house and give it to him there, but if I can get home before him, then I can wait on the road. Please? Can I?

There was a five minute wait for the next text but it came.

_Go nuts. I called the school. Let the secretary know when you leave. Have a nice afternoon.

Go nuts. Miranda's mom said that when she was happy. Miranda knew that it meant 'go ahead'; with crazy/fun implications, but the term never ceased to make Miranda wrinkle her brow in confusion. Go nuts.

Miranda left after biology which was one of the classes that she had with Andrew, who, like Miranda, was in a mix of grade eleven and twelve courses. He didn't see her but she craned her neck around a few times to look at him from her seat at the front corner of the class. He looked the same as ever. Bruised, with social walls erected around him. At the end of class the teacher asked if she had any questions and she handed him the paper on which she had written the questions to which her teacher would email detailed answers later that night, and then she headed for her locker.

Miranda left the school as fast as she could but she sometimes had trouble moving quickly. It wasn't just that her coordination was sometimes off, but that she was easily distracted, especially when there were beautiful flowers and fluffy clouds and all kinds of birds and rabbits and other things to see on the walk home, but she had a purpose that day so she made the walk in less than thirty minutes which had to be some kind of record.

Is it that time of day already? Miranda's grandmother asked as Miranda hurried through the kitchen on her way to her room. Miranda stopped and scrawled on the white board.

"Came home early, need to do something quick, be down soon," and ran up to her room. Normally the first thing she did when she got home was turn on very loud music and flop down on her bed, but she made a detour around her bed, opened the cupboard and took down the binder with last year's school work in it. She flipped to the back and pulled out the paper. She sat down at her desk and wrote a quick note, then sat in the window seat in the parlour watching the road. As soon as she saw the black clad figure appear, she walked to the door, down the front steps, and to the end of the drive. He was still about a hundred yards away when she arrived and she stood on the gravel road and waited.

It was the best look she had got of him yet. He looked like a real life story book character all in black. Handsome, quite lovely actually, now that she saw him away from school, but too tall and too unshaven to look feminine. Miranda had never looked into his eyes before. She liked eyes but eyes were a tricky thing. She couldn't look into someone's eyes and keep her thoughts in order. Eyes were overwhelming. Eyes were a language all their own. He approached step by step looking at her and the minute his eyes focused in on hers the overwhelm kicked in. How could she think about anything else with his hazel long-lashed eyes fixed on hers. She felt too open looking into another's eyes like that, but he was standing in front of her now and she was caught in his gaze, like a doe caught in headlights. What to do? She thought, and subconsciously dug the nails of her left hand into her palm. The sensation brought regulation and she remembered the papers. That was why she was standing there. Right. The papers. Miranda extended the papers and felt the corners of her mouth pull up, happy that she had accomplished her objective. He looked down and away from her eyes. He took the papers from her and she had the wherewithal to let go.

The Barn

Andrew spent Saturday afternoon at the library taking notes. He didn't actually want to copy Miranda's paper verbatim. He agreed with her that it would be lame to just copy it so he did a bit of legwork gathering any information on the topic that she hadn't included and then walked the four km home and sat down and dissected her paper. By midnight he had written his own version and the paper was out of his hair. He supposed that it was cheating, but he wasn't going to worry too much about it. He could focus on studying for finals now. He spent much of Sunday studying, but mid-afternoon his sister Olivia dragged him outside to the small barn. Olivia was twelve, almost thirteen, and Andrew would move the moon for her. C'mon c'mon c'mon. Dad went to get groceries. He says we have to work some on the barn today.

Okay, I'm coming. Andrew followed the bobbing brown ringleted head out the back door and up the slope to the barn that needed to be cleaned out. Not that they planned on using it for animals. It just needed to be cleaned out, or at least their father seemed to think so. Andrew thought that it was just a make-work project to get him and his sister outside together, but whatever. He picked up the work gloves by the wood pile and watched as Olivia unlatched the barn door and swung it wide.

Why does Dad want us to clean this up? Do you think that he would let me have a goat once we get it clean? she bellowed.

Olivia you don't need to yell, I'm right next to you, Andrew said, ignoring her questions and wincing at her shrill voice.

Do you think that he'd let me keep goats though? Olivia continued in a more moderate tone.

Dad probably just wants to be able to park the car in here or use it for storage. Wouldn't hurt to ask about goats though, he added that last on just so that she wouldn't lose heart entirely. Otherwise he'd end up working alone and it would be fun to listen to his dad talk her down from goats at dinner.

I'm going to get a wheelbarrow. You go check the back corner for shovels. I think that I saw some back there. He pointed to the back corner of the barn then headed out to the side of the house where an old rusty wheelbarrow was propped. It was heavy but functional. Andrew wheeled it back to the barn but stopped halfway to look out over the green hills to the ocean. Even from a mile away he could smell it. Ontario felt so far away. Hell, Ontario was far away. A world away. He turned and looked back towards the neighbour's house. He thought that he could see a face in the upstairs window, and light warm toned hair. He raised a hand and saw the returning flicker of a waving hand in the window.

Andrew shovelled old manure and mouldy hay. Olivia sort of helped. She would shovel for a while then grab a rake and drag more junk out of the corners, but every ten minutes or so she would flit off and start rummaging in other corners, digging odds and ends out of the piles of refuse. He looked to where he could hear her chatter. Be careful, use your eyes, there could be sharp things in those piles, he told her.

Come look. I found old trunks and some wood. We could build a fort in the Wild Woods, she called out. The Wild Woods was what she called the copse of trees on the property.

Andrew put down his shovel and went to look. There was a pile of two by fours, four by fours and plywood sheets. "Crap. There is a lot of wood here. Totally enough for a fort. I have an idea. Grab a rake and follow. Andrew lead Olivia up to the woods and followed an animal trail about twenty metres in. Check this out. He began raking until he heard the rake scratch brick. We can clear this off and build a fort here. It's some kind of old foundation."

Olivia grabbed her rake and set to. It took them about forty-five minutes to clear the five square metre foundation. Will this make a big enough fort?

Olivia nodded grinning, then headed off yelling, C'mon! Lets go see if there's anything cool in those trunks.

Unfortunately, damp had gotten into the trunks and what would have been, to someone somewhere, an incredible find of vintage clothing, was mostly just a pile of crumbling mouldy cotton and linen. In one of the trunks however, there was a box of incredibly gaudy forties and fifties rhinestone jewellery that thrilled Olivia beyond words, and a tin box of what must have been some long gone male inhabitant's keepsakes. Cuff-links, an old watch, a medal of some sort. Andrew's dad pulled into the drive as they finished loading the garbage onto the utility trailer.

Wow. You two are filthy, James Warren said climbing out of the family Toyota and heading for the car's trunk. Andrew and Olivia's father was average height and bald by choice with glasses.

Olivia made a b-line for the bags of groceries. What did you get! Is there anything good? she shrilled.

The Ocean

Lynne drove up the gravel drive, the sound and feel of the rocks under the tires signalling her body to relax, telling her that she was home. It had been a long time since coming to any particular dwelling she'd lived in had done that, and each night the car tires on the gravel reassured her that she'd done right to divorce her husband and move with her daughter to the edge of the world. They'd only been in the house for eight months and already it felt like home in a way that she hadn't felt since childhood. After the divorce had finalized her life had fallen into place as if by magic, as if life had been sitting there doing all the planning and all she had to do was say, Yes!

Her dream job, running a satellite branch of the oceanography research institute, had fallen into her lap the moment her colleagues discovered her plans for divorce, and her mother had finally let go of the family home in Manitoba. I want something new Lynne. I want to live next to the sea, I want to walk in the sun and feel the rain. I don't want to sit here on this empty prairie alone getting old just because it's where I've always been. Come with me.

The final sign had been Miranda's breakdown. How many diagnoses can one child have? Lynne had her in every kind of therapy there was. That was, of course, at Jeremy's insistence. We should do everything we can, we're her parents. If there is something that can help her we owe it to her to try, he'd always said. Lynne's mother had always said, She just needs to be a little girl. She walks to her own drum and follows her own path and that isn't something that needs a diagnosis!

The fights she'd had with Jeremy about her interfering mother had been the worst. But she knew that Jeremy's take on parenting Miranda had a lot to do with his own struggles and not enough to do with what Miranda actually needed. She'd been on the brink of confronting him because she couldn't break their marriage anymore—it was already broken—and compromise was something that he'd proven he didn't want to learn. Lynne knew he loved Miranda but he didn't love Lynne, his wife, anymore, and his career meant more than either of them. And then June had arrived and Miranda had come home from school, showered for an hour, thrown her clothes in the garbage, and then refused to get out of bed. It's one thing to lift a four year old out of bed but you can't do that with a fourteen year old. Miranda just said no. No. She just stopped. She wouldn't speak, other than that one word, she wouldn't get up, she wouldn't shower, she wouldn't eat, she would only drink water and grape juice. She'd sneak to the bathroom when she was left alone, and to the fridge for yogourt in the middle of the night, and that was it for three weeks.

Lynne compiled every assessment that had ever been done on Miranda and sent it to a new psychologist, a psychologist that Jeremy had refused to consult as her area of focus was autistic females; and autistic was the one thing Jeremy refused to believe of Miranda. But Lynne knew.

She filed for divorce and began packing while Jeremy was away