Chunkybuttfunky

Chapter One

"Hey, all you Milwauuuukeeee night dwellers! This is CC, for the Nocturnal Journals, on B 105.5 FMMMMMMMM. Your lifeline to the nighttime. Call in and give me your views. Yep, I wanna hear them. The good and the oh-so-bad. Tonight’s topic -- online dating. It’s the hottest thing in hooking up these days. Do ya think you can really find the match of your dreams in just one click? I wanna hear your story! Gimme a holler at CC-in-the-eve -- that’s 224-684-3383. Talk to me, Milwaukee. I’ll be waaaaitiiiiing…"

Cadence Cranston clicked off her headset and swung her chair over to her computer while she waited for the commercial break to be over. Her topic tonight was inspired by her real life experiences, and she was curious to know how many people actually might be in the same sinking boat she was in.

The online dating Titanic-like sinking boat, that is.

Yes, Cadence Cranston, night time DJ and vampire, had joined an online date site to troll for guys. Not just any guys though. These men were of the paranormal persuasion and plentiful on Paranormal Mates Society.

Weeeeeeeee doggie -- gazoodles of men to be had in every blessed paranormal category.

It was a new cyber haven, where hooking up with the mate of your dreams was finally a reality. Who knew a place like that even existed for her kind? It sure as hell made finding a date much easier on a vamp. There was no explanation involved if you wanted to hit the O negative for a little pick me up. It was refreshing and required far less hassle than dating a human.

However, this dating thing was becoming her favorite pastime as of late. The e-mail alone was enough to keep her amused for centuries on end. Cadence found herself glued to her computer every chance she got.

It couldn’t be healthy.

Nay, it was downright pathetic…

Ooooh, but look! More e-mail.

Yee and haw.

Cheerist, she was sickly addicted to this bullshit e-mail, sadly compelled to check it every free moment she could dredge up.

As if the man of her dreams was going to pop up, and she might miss it because she was fixing her lipstick in the powder room or something.

Clicking on the date site, Cadence perused her inbox and sighed with defeat. It was too bad that most of the men who contacted her were stupidheads.

So many whacktards, so little time.

To: Chunkybuttfunky@paranormalmatessociety.com

From: Oncebitten2shy@paranormalmatessociety.com

Subject: Dayum!

Dear CBF,

Wow, could I ever sink my teeth into you! Looks like you got plenty to sink into . How about we hook up and nail a herd of cows together?

Dave

Oh-my-God. A herd of cows? What kind of vampire sucked the blood out of cows anymore?

Cadence Cranston shuddered and then, for good measure, she shuddered again.

Fricken’ vampire Neanderthal, knuckle dragging, Angus beef, blood sucking dork… God, what had she been thinking when she’d joined this damn online dating site?

She’d been thinking of sharing her Happy Meal instead of eating it alone…

Oh, the Internet is the hottest thing in dating, her friend Pam had said. You’ll love it. Tons of men to be had, she’d boasted. They even have a category for big and beautiful immortals and the like. You’ll get loads of e-mail and have the social life of Paris Hilton. Trust me.

Cadence stared at the computer screen and flipped it the bird. She’d rather be dead than read one more flippin’ loser’s e-mail.

Oh, wait, she was dead.

Pam had been right. She did get lots of e-mail. It just so happened that for the most part, the e-mail was from psychotic nuts allowed Internet time for good behavior at the wacky farm. However, she was pleased to note that said psychos on the site rather liked her curves. She wasn’t ashamed to call herself big and beautiful, and she was damn proud of the junk in her trunk.

Sighing, she grabbed her mouse and clicked on the reply button. Someone had to tell Dave he was a freak…

To: Oncebitten2shy@paranormalmatessociety.com

From: Chunkybuttfunky@paranormalmatessociety.com

Subject: Re: Dayum

Dear fucktard,

Cadence shook her head. That was mean. Probably true, but still, really not very good cyber dating etiquette. Backspacing and deleting the fucktard, she began again.

Dear Dave,

Thanks for your response to my profile.

However, beef is not what’s for dinner.

Good luck in your search,

CBF

There, Cadence thought, buh-bye now.

Oy.

How could it be that there wasn’t a single vampire on this site that appealed to her? ParanormalMatesSociety.com was specifically designed for paranormals in today’s society. It wasn’t easy to be immortal, and finding someone to share that immortality with was harder still.

Yeah, everyone said her lifemate would pop up when she least expected him. However, Cadence was of the mind that until then, she needed to frost her Wheaties and for that, she had to find the Wheaties and some milk.

Paranormal Mates Society had everything from vampires to mermaids, alternative lifestyles and even demons. Surely there was someone out there that was a decent date? She remembered giggling over how funny the acronym for the site was.

PMS… that could well describe what finding a good date was like these days. She’d never forget how excited she’d been over the ad Pam had sent her for Paranormal Mates Society. Most of the sites she’d seen advertised on TV were not for chicks like her, but this site was specifically geared toward her kind.

www.ParanormalMatesSociety.com

Welcome to Paranormal Mates Society, where finding the love of your life is supernatural, super easy.

Tired of squeamish humans passing you over because blood is your beverage of choice? Do you long to indulge in intimate moonlit jaunts with a potential Pet Smart Companion? Are your fins fed up with the goldfish bowl of dating? Did the devil make you give up on ever finding your soul mate? Long to soar to the heavens with the match of your dreams?

Fill out our in-depth entry form. Browse thousands of profiles from paranormals just like you! Make new friends -- find the immortal man or woman of your dreams with just one easy click.

Let us help you find the paranormal match of a lifetime at www.paranormalmatessociety.com -- where meeting the perfect match can be out of this world!

Don’t wait -- join with our special offer for a free trial basis now. Choose the membership that best suits your search for the perfect paranormal mate!

The Heavenly Membership:

Allows you unlimited on-site e-mails to and from your own personal e-mail account. Send and receive as many e-mails as you’d like to find and communicate with the paranormal partner of your dreams! Upload as many as four pictures to the site -- a premium mate-seeking tool! Our Heavenly membership also brings with it full access to all of the Paranormal Mates Society’s member profiles and additional features such as vibes -- the ultimate way to express your interest! -- and Instant Messaging. Purchase a three or six month Heavenly membership package. The three month package is loaded with features and available for only $29.95 per month, or get crazy and take our value package for six months for just $22.95 per month!

The Purgatory Membership:

Our trial mate seeker package is totally free and includes sending and receiving up to five e-mails per day and allows you the option of sending up to two vibes a day!

Cadence had signed on for the Heavenly Membership almost immediately. It meant she might be able to get the hell out of the house or the radio station occasionally. Share a cup of