Infinite Jen's Reviews > Starting Strength

It occurred to me, after chasing a one eyed raccoon through a pumpkin patch while drunk on Jack Daniels, that each stride I took was a sub maximal force production event predicated on a physical existence which I had long neglected. As afferent feedback surged through the live wire of my spinal column, reducing motor neuron excitability (i.e. voluntary motor unit recruitment is reduced from the plyometric load inflicted by the sudden lateral movements necessary to track the clever beast through the haunted Halloween maze), I began to stagger like a newborn fawn with bolas of fresh placenta tangled around the stale breadsticks of my legs. Succumbing fully to the accumulation of lactate during this inebriated bout of anaerobic glycolysis, (or because of the associated release of hydrogen ions, i.e. acidosis) and planting myself in the field like a blighted stalk of corn, I vowed right then and there that I would never allow pernicious extracellular potassium to impede the release of calcium ions, or allow the sensitivity of my actin-myosin myofilaments to be bullied into submission by the production of certain metabolic byproducts which interfere with their cross bridge function (phosphate ions and adenosine diphosphate). Condensing these thoughts into a final barbaric yawp for anyone who cared to listen, I screamed into the dirt, “My sarcoplasmic reticulum is in HELLLL!!” The violence of my exhalations sending dust airborne and children reeling.

And thus, like so many of you, my fitness journey began with trying to retrieve my car keys from a far-too-intelligent omnivore of nocturnal disposition. Leading me to consult with fitness “professionals” who proceeded to have me stand on Bosu Balls while holding infinitesimal weights and performing power Kegels. Prompting me to rebuke my fitness instructor thusly, “I know a thing or two about the stress, recovery, adaptation response, and this in no way seems to fit the dominant paradigm of progressive overload. I feel like the benefits of these exercise are quite intangible.” To which I was invited to stand on one leg like Daniel LaRusso about to execute his famous Crane Kick finisher in the Karate Kid trilogy. And, despite the manic intensity of my Cobra Kai infatuation, I have since learned that this posture, or any other ancient martial ballet that purports to ensure the defense of self through channeling spirit beasts, is a sure fire way to get your ass expedited and shipped to you in a live scenario where someone has even a foggy notion of how to intelligently weaponize their limbs (i.e. punch, kick, knee, or elbow you very hard, repeatedly, and without mercy), and so I connected the dots and realized I was undertaking the fitness equivalent of trying to disrupt Butterbean’s chi while he loads up a big haymaker. So I drew upon my inner Hitchens and said, “Picture all experts as if they were mammals. Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. Seek out argument and disputation for their own sake; the grave will supply plenty of time for silence.” Gathering what dignity I still retained, stepping from the Bosu Ball and heading towards the door.

“Jen! It’s functional! FUNCTIONAL! Think of your stabilizers.” He shouts after me.

“Don’t piss in my ear and tell me it’s functional, Joey. Goodbye.”

So I took it upon myself to do some research into the most effective training methods for vaulting pumpkins, which ultimately lead me to Mark Rippetoe’s YouTube videos in which he explains, in great detail, how to do a proper Squat, Deadlift, Bench Press, Standing Press, and Power Clean, and the central importance of all these exercises in building a capable physique. What’s more, all that was required was (1) access to a metal shaft. (2) metal plates with a machined orifice for said shaft to penetrate symmetrically on both sides. (3) a good pair of shoes. (4) a flat and stable surface. (5) a willingness to attempt 5 more pounds per workout (i.e. linear progression). (6) chalk.

This book is the most thorough examination of the most important lifts a person can do to build and maintain physical strength (especially the squat, because this is of central importance, and perhaps not coincidentally, is the exercise most people avoid if there’s much weight involved) that you can get your hands on. It contains all the information you need to stop face planting in the pursuit of raccoons. Yes my friends, the fitness industry is full of deluded and malicious fuckwits who want to convince you that complexity is key. Why? So they can continue to fleece you. They lend themselves credibility by having elite athletes perform ridiculous tasks of no discernible benefit, and because elite athletes look good displaying their physical genius in even the most grotesquely stupid of ways, we erroneously assume they look (and perform) that good because they adhere to routines stocked with kinesthetic novelty by experts. That is not the case. The cruel truth is that elite athletes are born, not made. If you had the genes that produced a 36 inch vertical leap, you could also get away with being a dumb fuck in your training methodology. The rest of us need to follow tried and true methods. And, thankfully, getting stronger is not complicated, but it is also not glamorous or easy. It is hard and simple. Starting Strength is both of these things. You train with barbells three days a week. You focus on the compound lifts which recruit the largest amount of muscle fibers (and consequently have the most functional benefit to your physical life). And you do this with 3 sets of 5 repetitions (except for Deadlifts which only receive one work set after warmup due to how taxing the lift is on your CNS). You try to incrementally increase the load each week by 5 pounds.

I can now take out my garbage without spewing antinatalist propaganda. Thank you, Mark!