America (The Book) Quotes

“If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!?”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No.”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“The Republican party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies.
Together, the two parties function like giant down comforters, allowing a candidate to disappear into the enveloping softness, protecting them from exposure to the harsh weather of independent thought.”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“1. Society needs laws. While anarchy can often turn a humdrum weekend into something unforgettable, eventually the mob must be kept from stealing the conch and killing Piggy. And while it would be nice if that "something" was simple human decency, anybody who has witnessed the "50% Off Wedding Dress Sale" at Filene's Basement knows we need a backup plan—preferably in writing. On the other hand, too many laws can result in outright tyranny, particularly if one of those laws is "Kneel before Zod." Somewhere between these two extremes lies the legislative sweet-spot that produces just the right amount of laws for a well-adjusted society—more than zero, less than fascism.”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.”
― Jon Stewart, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death -- all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself. But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign countries still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them.”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“Each party has a platform--a pre-fixed menu of beliefs making up its worldview. The candidate can choose one of the two platforms, but remember: no substitutions.

For example, do you support healthcare? Then you must also want a ban on assault weapons. Pro limited government? Congratulations, you are also anti-abortion.

Luckily, all human opinion falls neatly into one of the two clearly defined camps. Thus, the two-party system elegantly represents the bi-chromatic rainbow that is American political thought.”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, f**k it.”
― Jon Stewart, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods.”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing.”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“It is perhaps a sign of the strength of our republic that so few people feel the need to participate. That must be the reason.”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“Classroom Activities
1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia!”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“[Stump speeches] are to oratory what a stump is to a tree.”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.”
― Jon Stewart, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction

“There were countless fugitive slaves, but only one - Dred Scott - had the patience to endure the vicissitudes of America's legal system. But it was all worth it when he made it to the highest court in the land and was told by the chief justice that he was a) wrong and b) not a man, but a piece of property.
His true reward, however, would come years later, after he was dead and it was of no use to him. For his case was a precedent, and today it is discussed by historians, memorized by high-school students, and joked about by assholes like myself.”
― Stephen Colbert, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction