Sandman Slim Quotes

“Did I hurt your feelings again? Sorry. When this is all over I'll send some flowers to your inner child.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“Try not to sing too many sad songs for yourself. The universe already hates you. Self-pity isn't going to help.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“When you jump off a cliff, is it better to land on jagged rocks or burning lava? I know this one. The answer is obvious: It doesn't matter where you land. You just jumped off a cliff.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“We must always look after our friends, even when they are foolish. Especially when they are foolish.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“I'm steel-toed boots in a ballet-slipper world.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“When you're facing down multiple attackers, you always want to make the first move. It lets them know that you're ready to fight and that you're crazy enough to get the party started. One rule of thumb in fighting is that crazy can often overcome skill and numbers, because, while a trained fighter might actually enjoy going up against another trained fighter, no one really wants to wrestle with crazy. Crazy doesn't know when it's winning. And crazy doesn't know when to stop. If you can't pull off crazy, if, for instance, you're handcuffed in a small van with six armed assailants, stupid is a decent substitute for crazy.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“No hospitals, she says.
I know.
Where are we going?
For ice cream. What's your favorite flavor?
Fuck you.
That's my favorite, too.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“Revenge is never what you think it's going to be. There's no pleasure and glory, and when it's done your grief remains. Once a man does the things you're talking about, he will never be the same, and he can never go back to who he was before. Worst of all, no matter how many enemies you kill, you are never satisfied. There is always one more who deserves it. When it becomes too easy to kill, it never ends.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“That's what Glocks are. High-precision killing machines that scream "Daddy Issues.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“I came ready to fight Genghis Khan and I walk in on a shut-in playing the biggest Dungeons and Dragons game in history.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“If I learned anything Downtown, it's this: the only real difference between an enemy and a friend is the day of the week.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“*For eleven years, I've been worked over and abused in ways you can't imagine by things you don't want to know about. I've killed every kind of vile, black-souled, dead-eyed nightmare that ever made you piss your pjs and cry for mommy in the middle of the night. I kill monsters and, if I wanted, I could say a word and burn you to powder from the inside out. I can tear any human you ever met to rages with my bare hands. Give me one good reason why I could possibly need you?
*She looks straight at me, not blinking. No fear in her eyes.
*Because you might be the Tasmanian Devil and the Angel of Death all rolled into one, but you don't even know how to get a phone.
*I hate to admit it, but she has a point.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“The ashes of your existence will fertilize the soil for the universe to follow.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“Besides Getting my ass kicked, my main accomplishment on this trip has been to massacre an incredible number of completely innocent clothes. I'm the Joseph Stalin of laundry.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“There’s the opposite of love at first sight. There are people walking the earth that the moment you meet them, you want to punch them and keep punching them.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“I tap a Malediction out of the box, fire it up, and puff. It tastes like a tire fire in a candy factory next door to a strip club. The best cigarettes ever.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“I'm trying very hard not to think about anything I'm doing. Of all the iffy things I've ever done in my life, I've never had to ditch a body before. While it's giving me a migraine right now, I think the fact that I'm not an expert on corpse disposal says a lot of good things about me and my life choices.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“...playing with the Barbie-size keyboard on my new phone. Phones are like toys now. They fit in your pocket, light up and vibrate like joy buzzers. Plus, you can get-I mean, "access"-the Internet and find anything you want. Music. Maps. Porn. Anything. If cell phones came with a cigarette dispenser, they'd be the greatest stupid invention ever.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“If Donald Trump and the Wicked Witch of the West had a kid, it would be Jayne-Anne. She looks like a librarian with some money and good taste in clothes but underneath the Verace, she's Godzilla with tits.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“Fuck you, angel. Fuck you and all God's little prison bitches. He slips you some cigarettes and a con job smile and you run off to do his dirty work for him. Go and scare some sinners. No one's listening to you here.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“See? Even dead she makes me a better whatever-the-hell it is I am. A less stupid person. A more considerate monster.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“My head is full of monsters and I’m one of them.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“Thanks for treating me like, you know, a person through all this shit. I know that isn't always easy. (Stark)
You do have a habit of pissing on other people's welcome mats. But, when a gentleman gives you a booty call to a massacre, it's easy to forgive. Ciao. (Candy)”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“THERE’S ONLY ONE problem with L.A. It exists. L.A. is what happens when a bunch of Lovecraftian elder gods and porn starlets spend a weekend locked up in the Chateau Marmont snorting lines of crank off Jim Morrison’s bones. If the Viagra and illegal Traci Lords videos don’t get you going, then the Japanese tentacle porn will.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“Love a man who'll bleed to make a point. (Candy)”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“Young man, there are some things in the world so profane that their only real value is in not knowing about them.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“Now you are thinking like a thief. Fewer guns and more exits. We'll cure your cowboy ways yet. (Vidocq)”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“Fortunately, I’m good at ignoring a lot of what my brain does.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“Another scar or two won't ruin my pretty face."
"Right."
"Carlos, are you being polite? That's not why I came here for. I know I'm not Steve McQueen."
"My lady is totally in love with him. Lucky for me he's dead or I'd be in trouble."
I hold up my glas of Jack Daniel's in a toast. "Here's to all the guys better looking than us. May they all die first.”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim

“On mobile phones: "It looks like a TV remote fucked a little typewriter and this is the bastard offspring”
― Richard Kadrey, Sandman Slim