Gail Howard Statement

When everything changed
Editors note: Gail Peloquin Howard submitted this written statement to the
Archdiocese of Chicagos Office of Professional Responsibilit during a meeting on !une
"#$ %##&' Her husband !ason accompanied her to the meeting' Howard went public with
her allegations of se( abuse b the late )sgr' !ohn *it+gerald$ former pastor of
Ascension Church in Oa, Par,$ during a press conference on !ul -"$ %#". in front of the
Archdiocesan Chancer Office$ /-& 0' Rush 1t' 2he Archdiocese notified Re3' 4arr
)c0all$ current pastor of Ascension$ who included a notice of the accusation in the
church bulletin on 1unda$ Aug' "#' 5ednesda !ournal wrote a stor about the
accusation 67*ormer Ascension pastor accused in abuse incident$8 0ews$ Aug' "-9$
which can be found at Oa,Par,'com' 5e are running this statement with the appro3al of
Howard'
2hough the details ma be upsetting$ we felt it was important to ma,e this issue less
abstract and more real for those who ha3e been following the continuing stor of the se(
abuse scandal in the Catholic Church and elsewhere'
John D. Fitzgerald was pastor of Ascension Church at the time of the incident in the
summer of 1964. I was 1. !" famil" #elonged to Ascension $arish and I wor%ed at the
rector" on the wee%ends answering phones. &ater' m" mother #ecame the parish
secretar".
At the time' things were (er" difficult in m" famil". !" mother was forced to get a
restraining order against m" father after "ears of tr"ing to sa(e her marriage. !" father
had returned from )orld )ar II with a drin%ing ha#it that slowl" too% o(er his life. *"
the time he left us in 196+' he had #een fired from a series of ,o#s and was stealing
mone" from us to support his ha#it.
I turned to Father John $owers at Ascension for solace and support' and he patientl"
and generousl" pro(ided compan" and good humor' meeting with me indi(iduall" at the
rector" e(er" few wee%s. -e %new of m" situation' though we spo%e a#out it onl"
indirectl".
In earl" summer 1964' he was transferred. I recall that he recommended I start
meeting with !onsignor Fitzgerald. -owe(er' I firml" #elie(e that he would not ha(e
consciousl" sent me into harm.s wa".
I %new Fitzgerald less well' #ut I was around him enough to %now that he was self/
a#sor#ed. -owe(er' I was (er" pained #" the loss of Father $owers and in need of a male
figure in m" life. I did what I was told' and I #egan ma%ing appointments with Fitzgerald.
I met with him once or twice that summer.
0n the da" of the incident' he in(ited me to meet with him in his pri(ate 1uarters
upstairs' in what he referred to as his li#rar". I was flattered. It was a 2aturda"' so the
regular secretar" was not there. I went upstairs and sat across from him while we tal%ed.
3he tone of the meeting was hard for me to read. -e was laughing and ma%ing comments
a#out how I loo%ed. I #egan to feel uncomforta#le and confused.
It seemed li%e a good idea to lea(e. As I wal%ed across the room toward the door' he
stepped into m" path' sho(ed me up against the wall' and #egan to ru# m" right #reast
(er" hard. -e was #reathing hea(il" and mo(ing in a ,er%ing motion that I had ne(er seen
#efore. It was ph"sicall" (er" painful. I was so shoc%ed that I was paral"zed for a few
moments. I don.t thin% I ha(e e(er thought so hard or so fast in m" life. I lifted m" arms
up and pushed him awa"' ran through the door and down the stairs. It seemed to ta%e
fore(er to get down the stairs. I ran for the side door' terrified that the loc% on the screen
would stic% the wa" it sometimes did. I can see that loc% in m" mind to this da". I ran
outside #ut halfwa" down the stairs I made m"self stop running. I %new I had to hide
what had happened. I made m"self wal% slowl" home.
I did not tell an"one what had happened. I wanted to 1uit m" ,o# as wee%end office
assistant' #ut %new I would ha(e to e4plain wh". I came to wor% a wee% later' and
Fitzgerald wal%ed up to me and whispered an apolog". I was horrified that he would
spea% of it and shoo% m" head no and rushed awa".
!" senior "ear at 3rinit" -igh 2chool was e4tremel" difficult. I had trou#le
concentrating' withdrew from m" friends and #egan to suffer from irrita#le #owel
s"ndrome. After a "ear of difficult"' a friend recommended therap". I went to Fitzgerald
and as%ed him to recommend a therapist. I did not ma%e reference to the assault. I had
compartmentalized the incident' and con(inced m"self that it had not #een important. I
%ept the Church as the organizing principle of m" world and carried the shameful secret
as m" own. I co(ered for Fitzgerald the wa" I co(ered for m" father.
Fitzgerald offered to pa" for a "ear of therap". I saw no connection #etween this offer
and his guilt. I accepted the offer and saw Dr. $isani in Chicago for three "ears' one "ear
of which was paid for #" the church. After a "ear' I told Dr. $isani what had happened #ut
continued to insist that it had #een a minor incident.
3he attac% had #een m" first se4ual e4perience. I did not %now what an orgasm was'
so had no e4planation for the ,er%ing motion that Fitzgerald made. I #ecame war" of
#eing touched. $eople who loo%ed li%e him or sounded li%e him were disgusting to me
and still are.
It was not until I was an adult that I could allow m"self to %now what damage had
actuall" #een done to me. I was forced to listen to m" mother tal% of the difficult" of
wor%ing for Fitzgerald while maintaining the secret of what had happened to me.
!eanwhile' e(en as an adult' I chose not to tell m" mother for fear that she would #lame
herself' and not to come forward until after her death. 2he died in 566+.
I ha(e dealt directl" with the attac% in therap" since the stor" #ro%e in 5665 and
continue to do so. It was not until the stor" #ro%e that I was a#le to directl" feel the anger
at what had #een done to me. 3he Church should ha(e #een a source of support during a
time of great miser" for m" famil" #ut was instead a source of ph"sical and ps"chic
(iolence.
Gail Howard first told her stor to :oice of the *aithful$ a Catholic reform group$ in
%##% using a pseudonm in order to shield it from her mother' After her mother died in
%##-$ she told her stor to the Archdiocese using her own name' 1he was told during the
!une "#$ %##& meeting that her accusation was considered credible b the Archdiocese$
but that the would not list )sgr' *it+geralds name on their website because he was
deceased and could not defend himself'
1ee the accompaning inter3iew with )s' Howard for more'

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When everything changed

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