Sure Thing

By David Ives Sure Thing was first presented at the Manhattan Punch Line Theatre (Steve Kaplan, artistic director) in New York City in Frebruary 1988. It was directed by Jason McConnell Buzas; the set design was by Stanley A. Meyer; costume design was by Michael S. Schler; lighting design was by Joseph R. Morley. The cast was as follows: BILL Robert Stanton BETTY Nancy Opel

BETTY, a woman in her late twenties, is reading at a caf table. An empty chair is opposite her. BILL, same ages, enters. BILL: Excuse me. Is this chair taken? BETTY: Excuse me? BILL: Is this taken? BETTY: Yes it is. BILL: Oh. Sorry. BETTY: Sure thing. (A bell rings softly.)

BILL: Excuse me. Is this chair taken? BETTY: Excuse me? BILL: Is this taken? BETTY: No, but Im expecting somebody in a minute. BILL: Oh. Thanks anyway. BETTY: Sure thing. (A bell rings softly.) BILL: Excuse me. Is this chair taken? BETTY: No, but Im expecting somebody very shortly. BILL: Would you mind if I sit here till he or she or it comes? BETTY (glances at her watch): They do seem to be pretty late.... BILL: You never know who you might be turning down. BETTY: Sorry. Nice try, though. BILL: Sure thing. (Bell.) Is this seat taken? BETTY: No its not. BILL: Would you mind if I sit here? BETTY: Yes I would. BILL: Oh. (Bell.) Is this chair taken? BETTY: No its not.

BILL: Would you mind if I sit here? BETTY: No. Go ahead. BILL: Thanks. (He sits. She continues reading.) Everyplace else seems to be taken. BETTY: Mm-hm. BILL: Great place. BETTY: Mm-hm. BILL: Whats the book? BETTY: I just wanted to read in quiet, if you dont mind. BILL: No. Sure thing. (Bell.) BILL: Everyplace else seems to be taken. BETTY: Mm-hm. BILL: Great place for reading. BETTY: Yes, I like it. BILL: Whats the book? BETTY: The Sound and the Fury. BILL: Oh. Hemingway. (Bell.) Whats the book? BETTY: The Sound and the Fury. BILL: Oh. Faulkner. BETTY: Have you read it? BILL: Not actually. Ive sure read about it, though. Its supposed to be great.

BETTY: It is great. BILL: I hear its great. (Small pause.) Waiter? (Bell.) Whats the book? BETTY: The Sound and the Fury. BILL: Oh. Faulkner. BETTY: Have you read it? BILL: Im a Mets fan, myself. (Bell.) BETTY: Have you read it? BILL: Yeah, I read it in college. BETTY: Where was college? BILL: I went to Oral Roberts University. (Bell.) BETTY: Where was college? BILL: I was lying. I never really went to college. I just like to party. (Bell.) BETTY: Where was college? BILL: Harvard. BETTY: Do you like Faulkner? BILL: I love Faulkner. I spent a whole winter reading him once. BETTY: Ive just started. BILL: I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote. One of the greatest

reading experiences of my life. I mean, all that incredible psychological understanding. Page after page of gorgeous prose. His profound grasp of the mystery of time and human existence. The smells of the earth What do you think? BETTY: I think its pretty boring. (Bell.) BILL: Whats the book? BETTY: The Sound and the Fury. BILL: Oh! Faulkner! BETTY: Do you like Faulkner? BILL: I love Faulkner. BETTY: Hes incredible. BILL: I spent a whole winter reading him once. BETTY: I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote. BILL: All that incredible psychological understanding. BETTY: And the prose is so gorgeous. BILL: And the way hes grasped the mystery of time-BETTY: --and human existence. I cant believe Ive waited this long to read him. BILL: You never know. You might not

have liked him before. BETTY: Thats true. BILL: You might not have been ready for him. You have to hit these things at the right moment or its no good. BETTY: Thats happened to me. BILL: Its all in the timing. (Small pause.) My names Bill, by the way. BETTY: Im Betty. BILL: Hi. BETTY: Hi. (Small pause.) BILL: Yes I thought reading Faulkner was a great experience. BETTY: Yes. (Small pause.) BILL: The Sound and the Fury (Another small pause.) BETTY: Well. Onwards and upwards. (She goes back to her book.) BILL: Waiter--? (Bell.) You have to hit these things at the right moment or its no good. BETTY: Thats happened to me. BILL: Its all in the timing. My names Bill, by the way. BETTY: Im Betty. BILL: Hi. BETTY: Hi.

BILL: Do you come in here a lot? BETTY: Actually Im just in town for two days from Pakistan. BILL: Oh. Pakistan. (Bell.) My names Bill, by the way. BETTY: Im Betty. BILL: Hi. BETTY: Hi. BILL: Do you come in here a lot? BETTY: Every once in a while. Do you? BILL: Not so much anymore. Not as much as used to. Before my nervous breakdown. (Bell.) Do you come in here a lot? BETTY: Why are you asking? BILL: Just interested. BETTY: Are you really interested, or do you just want to pick me up? BILL: No, Im really interested. BETTY: Why would you be interested in whether I come in here a lot? BILL: Im just getting acquainted. BETTY: Maybe youre only interested for the sake of making small talk long enough to ask me back to your place to listen to some music, or because youve just

rented this great tape for your VCR, or because youve got some terrific unknown Django Reinhardt record, only all you really want to do is fuck--which you wont do very well--after which youll go into the bathroom and pee very loudly, then pad into the kitchen and get yourself a beer from the refrigerator without asking me whether Id like anything, and then youll proceed to lie back down beside me and confess that youve got a girlfriend named Stephanie whos away at medical school in Belgium for a year, and that youve been involved with her--off and on--in what youll call a very intricate relationship, for the past seven YEARS. None of which interests me, mister! BILL: Okay. (Bell.) Do you come in here a lot? BETTY: Every other day, I think. BILL: I come in here quite a lot and I dont remember seeing you. BETTY: I guess we must be on different schedules. BILL: Missed connections. BETTY: Yes. Different time zones. BILL: Amazing how you can live right

next door to somebody in this town and never even know it. BETTY: I know. BILL: City life. BETTY: Its crazy. BILL: We probably pass each other in the street every day. Right in front of this place, probably. BETTY: Yep. BILL: (looks around): Well the waiters here sure seem to be in some different time zone. I cant seem to locate one anywhere.... Waiter! (He looks back.) So what do you-- (He sees that shes gone back to her book.) BETTY: I beg pardon? BILL: Nothing. Sorry. (Bell.) BETTY: I guess we must be on different schedules. BILL: Missed connections. BETTY: Yes. Different time zones. BILL: Amazing how you can live right next door to somebody in this town and never even know it. BETTY: I know. BILL: City life. BETTY: Its crazy.

BILL: You werent waiting for somebody when I came in, were you? BETTY: Actually I was. BILL: Oh. Boyfriend? BETTY: Sort of. BILL: Whats a sort-of boyfriend? BETTY: My husband. BILL: Ah-ha. (Bell.) You werent waiting for somebody when I came in, were you? BETTY: Actually I was. BILL: Oh. Boyfriend? BETTY: Sort of. BILL: Whats a sort-of-boyfriend? BETTY: We were meeting here to break up. BILL: Mm-hm (Bell.) Whats a sort-of-boyfriend? BETTY: My lover. Here she comes right now! (Bell.) BILL: You werent waiting for somebody when I came in, were you? BETTY: No, just reading. BILL: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isnt it? Reading here, all by

yourself? BETTY: Do you think so? BILL: Well sure. I mean, whats goodlooking woman like you doing out alone on a Friday night? BETTY: Trying to keep away from lines like that. BILL: No, listen-(Bell.) You werent waiting for somebody when I came in, were you? BETTY: No, just reading. BILL: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isnt it? Reading here all by yourself? BETTY: I guess it is, in a way. BILL: Whats a good-looking woman like you doing out alone on a Friday night anyway? No offense, but BETTY: Im out alone on a Friday night for the first time in a very long time. BILL: Oh. BETTY: You see, I just ended a relationship. BILL: Oh. BETTY: Of rather long standing. BILL: Im sorry. (Small pause.) Well listen, since reading by yourself is such a

sad occupation for a Friday night, would you like to go elsewhere? BETTY: No BILL: Do something else? BETTY: No thanks. BILL: I was headed out to the movies in a while anyway. BETTY: I dont think so. BILL: Big chance to let Faulkner catch his breath. All those log sentences get him pretty tired. BETTY: Thanks anyway. BILL: Okay. BETTY: I appreciate the invitation. BILL: Sure thing. (Bell.) You werent waiting for somebody when I came in, were you? BETTY: No, just reading. BILL: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isnt it? Reading here all by yourself? BETTY: I guess I was trying to think of it as existentially romantic. You know-cappuccino, great literature, rainy night BILL: That only works in Paris. We could hop the late plane to Paris. Get on a Concorde. Find a caf

BETTY: Im a little short on plane fare tonight. BILL: Darn it, so am I. BETTY: To tell you the truth, I was headed to the movies after I finished this section. Would you like to come along? Since you cant locate a waiter? BILL: Thats a very nice offer, but BETTY: Uh-huh. Girlfriend? BILL: Two, actually. One of thems pregnant, and Stephanie-(Bell.) BETTY: Girlfriend? BILL: Sort of. Sort of. BETTY: Whats a sort-of girlfriend? BILL: My mother. (Bell.) I just ended a relationship, actually. BETTY: Oh. BILL: Of rather long standing. BETTY: Im sorry to hear it. BILL: This is my first night out alone in a long time. I feel a bit at sea, to tell you the truth. BETTY: So you didnt stop to talk because youre a Moonie, or you have some weird political affiliation--? BILL: Nope. Straight-down-the-ticket

Republican. (Bell.) Straight-down-the-ticket Democrat. (Bell.) Can I tell you something about politics? (Bell.) I like to think of myself as a citizen of the universe. (Bell.) Im unaffiliated. BETTY: Thats a relief. So am I. BILL: I vote my beliefs. BETTY: Labels are not important. BILL: Labels are not important, exactly. Take me, for example. I mean, what does it matter if I had a two-point at-(Bell.) three-point at-(Bell.) four-point at college? Or if I did come from Pittsburgh-(Bell.) Cleveland-(Bell.) Westchester County? BETTY: Sure. BILL: I believe that a man is what he is. (Bell.)

A person is what he is. (Bell.) A person is what they are. BETTY: I thin so too. BILL: So what if I admire Trotsky? (Bell.) So what if I once had a total-body liposuction? (Bell.) So what if I dont have a penis? (Bell.) So what if I spent a year in the Peace Corps? I was acting on my convictions. BETTY: Sure. BILL: You just cant hang a sign on a person. BETTY: Absolutely. Ill bet youre a Scorpio. (Many bells ring.) Listen, I was headed to the movies after I finished this section. Would you like to come along? BILL: That sounds like fun. Whats playing? BETTY: A couple of the really early Woody Allen movies. BILL: Oh. BETTY: You dont like Woody Allen?

BILL: Sure. I like Woody Allen. BETTY: But youre not crazy about Woody Allen. BILL: Those early ones kind of get on my nerves. BETTY: Uh-huh. (Bell.) BILL: Yknow I was headed to the-BETTY (simultaneously): I was thinking about-BILL: Im sorry. BETTY: No, go ahead. BILL: I was going to say that I was headed to the movies in a while, and BETTY: So was I. BILL: The Woody Allen festival? BETTY: Just up the street. BILL: Do you like the early ones? BETTY: I think anybody who doesnt ought to be run off the planet. BILL: How many times have you seen Bananas? BETTY: Eight times. BILL: Twelve. So are you still interested? (Long pause.) BETTY: Do you like Entenmanns crumb cake? BILL: Last night I went out at two in the

morning to get one. Did you have an Etch-a-Sketch as a child? BETTY: Yes! And do you like Brussels sprouts? (Pause.) BILL: No, I think they are disgusting. BETTY: They are disgusting! BILL: Do you still believe in marriage in spite of current sentiments against it? BETTY: Yes. BILL: And children? BETTY: Three of them. BILL: Two girls and a boy. BETTY: Harvard,Vassar,and Brown. BILL: And will you love me? BETTY: Yes. BILL: And cherish me foreve? BETTY: Yes. BILL: Do you still want to go to the movies? BETTY: Sure thing. BILL AND BETTY: (together): Waiter! BLACKOUT

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