Tommy Greenwald

Charlie Joe Jacksons Guide to

Vacation
Illustrated by J.P. Coovert

Roaring Brook Press

New York

PROLOGUE

I guess the only thing Ill say before we

get started is that I dont want you to worry. This isnt one of those summer vacation stories where theres some crazy killer on the loose whos hiding in the woods and picking off all the innocent kids one by one. Its definitely not that bad. Not quite, anyway.

So heres the deal: At the end of the last school year, I went temporarily crazy, decided to make my parents happy, and agreed to spend three weeks at an academic summer camp called Camp Rituhbukkee. Pronounced Read-a-Bookie. In other words, nerd camp. The next thing I knew, I was in the car and on my way. I can barely remember the ride up just that it was the longest four hours of my life. Saying good-bye to my mom and dad, my sister Megan, and my dogs, Moose and Coco, was also a total blur. I think I was in shock. The first thing I really remember was looking around
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the camp, and immediately wanting to turn around and go home. It was like Id crash-landed on the Planet of the Gifted Children. There were very few signs of familiar human life. My unofficial best friend from home, Katie Friedman, had decided to come to the same camp, which was pretty awesome of her. Nareem Ramdal, who was tied with Jake Katz for the nerdiest person I knew, had been going to this camp for years, so he was there, too. The rest of the population consisted of seventy-five of the smartest-looking kids Id ever seen in my life. Plus a bunch of adults, who looked just as smart as the kids. Books were everywhere. And cell phones and video games were nowhere. (Not allowed, of course.) I looked around for the spaceship that would take me back to Planet Normal, but there wasnt one. Then I pinched myself, trying to make myself wake up from what I hoped was a terrible dream. That didnt work, either. Slowly I began to realize that there was no way out. Like it or not, I was going to be stuck at Camp Rituhbukkee for the next three weeks.

DAILY CAMP SCHEDULE

7 AM 8 AM 9 AM 10 AM 11 AM 12 noon 1 PM 2 PM 3 PM 4 PM 5 PM 6 PM 7 PM 9 PM 10 PM

Breakfast First Workshop: Grammar and Style. Second Workshop: Reading Techniques. Third Workshop: The Write Stuff. Free Swim. Lunch. Quiet Hour 1. Reading and letter writing. First Rec. Second Rec. Water Sports. Quiet Hour 2: Reading and letter writing. Dinner. Evening activity. Quiet Hour 3: Reading and letter writing. Lights out.

10:01 PMWee ping into my pillow.

Dear Mom and Dad, One of the first things they told us at camp was that were going to be writing a lot of letters. They say it will improve our narrative skills, whatever they are. Anyway, our first letter home is supposed to tell you what we hope to accomplish at camp. I hope to learn how to stop making dumb decisions just to make your parents happy. Your loving son, Even though Im not feeling all that loving right now, Charlie Joe

Week One

CAMP JOCKSTRAP

I knew what the place was going to be like as soon

as I saw the sign on the way in to camp. CAMP RITUHBUKKEE: MOLDING YOUNG MINDS SINCE 1933 Im sorry, but I dont want my mind to be molded. Mold is gross. It reminds me of that green stuff that grows on bread. I hate mold. Id prefer my mind deep fried, sprinkled with powdered sugar, and then covered in chocolate sauce. On the surface, Camp Rituhbukkee looked like pretty much any other nice summer camp. It had a big lake for swimming, a basketball court, a tennis court, and baseball and soccer fields. The campers lived in cool log cabins in the woods, and the dining room was huge, with big wooden tables and chairs everywhere. There was a room for arts and crafts and stuff like that, and a theater where you put on shows. It was actually a really nice place, if you were able to forget about what you were there to do.
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Which was read and write. Even though Katie and Nareem were at camp with me, I couldnt stop thinking about everybody else back home. Mostly I thought about the awesome and amazing Zoe Alvarez, my almost-girlfriend. She was the only girl who could ever compare to the awesome and amazing Hannah Spivero. I missed Zoe already, and Id only been gone five hours. I also thought about the rest of the gang Jake, Timmy, Pete, and yeah, Hannah. I pictured them at the beach, having a great time doing nothing; or at the movies, eating French fries and talking about what a loser I was. Which is exactly what I would have been doing if I were them. Sadly, though, I wasnt them. I was me. And so, instead of having a great time doing nothing, Ifound myself standing with all the other campers, in a giant circle around a flagpole. Because it was the first day, we had to do what was called the Welcome Ring. Meaning, we all held hands and sang the camp song, which was called Learning To Love, and Loving To Learn. Thats pretty much all you need to know about that song. I stared at Katie and Nareem, who were singing at the top of their lungs. Are you guys serious? Katie giggled. Charlie Joe, youre at camp now, she said, while somehow managing to not miss a note. Stop being such a Negative Norman and get with the program.
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But Im not with the program, I explained. Im very much against the program. I still cant believe you decided to attend the camp, Charlie Joe, Nareem said. You are not someone I normally associate with books and reading and learning. Ya think? Katie added, which made them both giggle all over again. I rolled my eyes and pretended to sing, until finally the song ended. Then an extremely tall man with extremely short shorts stepped into the center of the circle. All the kids clapped, until he put his hand up to stop them. They stopped immediately. Greetings, and welcome to Camp Rituhbukkee! the tall man announced. Welcome back, to those many familiar faces I see. And to those newcomers, please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dr. Malcolm Malstrom, but you can call me Dr. Mal. Im not a medical doctor, though, so if you get sick, dont call me at all. He paused for laughter, and it came in a huge wave. Which was strange, since what he said wasnt actually funny. Were all excited for another wonderful season here at Rituhbukkee, Dr. Mal continued. Weve got many new surprises in store to make this our best summer ever.
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I looked at Katie as if to say, Seriously? She looked back at me as if to say, Behave. Dr. Mal glanced down at his clipboard. Before we go to our cabins to get settled in before dinner, I wanted to mention one last thing. He smiled like a dad who is about to give the most awesome present ever. This year, well be introducing the Rituhbukkee Reward. This extraordinary honor will go to the one camper who best displays the camps core values of integrity, community, and scholarship. Everybody ooh-ed and aahh-ed. The winner of the Rituhbukkee Reward, Dr. Mal added, will be awarded a full scholarship to camp next year, at absolutely no cost, and will be admitted to the counselor training program when he or she reaches theappropriate age. The oohs and aahhs turned into excited squeals of delight. Even Katie and Nareem were nodding happily. Sounds more like a punishment than a reward, I whispered, a little too loudly. The girl on my left looked at me like Id just eaten a plate of fried slugs. Katie tried to shush me, but it was too late it turned out that Dr. Mal had really good hearing. He walked over to me. Hello, young man. I looked up at him. He was really tall. His face was a long ways up. Hello, sir. Call me Dr. Mal, he said, smiling. Whats your name?
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Charlie Joe Jackson. Ah yes, said Dr. Mal, nodding. Mr. Jackson. You come to us with a bit of a reputation. Thanks, I said, even though I was pretty sure it wasnt a compliment. Im glad youre here, even if you consider it a punishment, said Dr. Mal, putting his big hand on my shoulder. Can you tell us what it is you hope to learn here at Camp Rituhbukkee? I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was exactly what I told Timmy and Pete, my friends back home, when they asked me the same thing. I hope to learn how to read while napping. Everyone gasped, then went silent. Nobody moved. I think even the birds stopped chirping. Oops. Katie gave me the classic eye-roll. But Dr. Mal never stopped smiling. So youre not a fan of reading. Nope, I said proudly. In fact, Ive pretty much never read a book all the way through, except under emergency circumstances beyond my control. I expected the kids to laugh, like they usually did when I made a joke. Instead, they all just stared at me. Some were even whispering to each other, pointing at me, like who is this guy? I did notice one kid who looked like he was about to
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laugh but he was wearing a Harvard T-shirt, so I immediately ruled him out as a fellow book-hater. Dr. Mal nodded again. In that case, do you mind if I ask you why youve joined us here at camp? Good question, Dr. Mal. I guess I did it to make my parents happy. It was a moment of weakness, to be honest with you. That line would have gotten a laugh back home too, for sure. But not here. It was like Id entered some kind of permanent Opposite Day, where the dorks were the cool kids, and the cool kids or at least the funny kidswere the outsiders. Dr. Mal looked down at his clipboard again, then nodded at a big guy who was standing across the circle. It seems youll be in with Dwayne, whos one of our best counselors. Dwayne nodded back without smiling. He was by far the least nerdy-looking guy at the whole place. He looked more like a marine than a counselor. Dr. Mal headed back to the center of the ring. You may find, Charlie Joe, that youre more like your fellow campers than you realize, he said. Then he looked me right in the eyes and added, Well make you one of usyet. Make you one of us? Oh, please. I would never become one of them. But . . . I started thinking . . . maybe I could make them one of me!
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I realized it would at least be a way to make the next three weeks bearable. I could help these kids change their ways. I could turn them into normal, non-reading people. I would save them from a life of dorkdom.

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The next thing on the fun-filled agenda was

to unpack. Nareem and I started walking down the path to our cabin. I think you may have gotten off on the wrong foot with Dr. Mal, Nareem said. Hes actually a really good person. I think youll like him once you get to know him a little better. Before I could compliment Nareem on his optimism, two kids came running up. One was the tallest kid Ive ever seen in my life, and the other was the Harvard T-shirt kid whod almost laughed at my joke during the Welcome Ring. Judging by the way they ran, I was pretty sure neither of them were the captains of their football teams back home, if you know what I mean. Nareem! they both shouted. Nareem broke into a huge grin. Dudes! They did that weird half-handshake-half-hug thing that friends do when they havent seen each other for a while. Charlie Joe, I want you to meet George Feedleman and Jack Strong, two of my best buddies here at camp. George was the giant one. I shook his hand first.
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Hey, I said. Nice to meet you, George said. Welcome to camp, the most awesome place on earth. I did a private eye-roll but tried to play nice. Yeah, cool. George is the smartest human being on the planet, Nareem announced. Thats great, I said. The Harvard T-shirt kid stuck out his hand. Jack Strong. I looked at his scrawny body. Is that really your last name? Jack blushed. I know, it doesnt really fit. I wasnt thinking that, I lied. Jack smiled. You were pretty funny at the Welcome Ring. Thanks, I said. But not funny enough to make anybody actually laugh, I guess. Jack shrugged. And get in trouble on the first day? Are you serious? Not usually. That time he actually did laugh. I pointed at his Harvard shirt. Whats that about? Oh, nothing, Jack said. I might apply there someday. Its super hard to get in, though. Isnt it a little early to be worrying about stuff like that? I asked.
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Jack thinks about colleges a lot, George interrupted. Or should I say, his dad does. Hes super-intense about that kind of stuff. Jack looked embarrassed for the second time in eight seconds, so I decided to change the subject. Guys, I said, Nareem here says that Dr. Mal is a great guy. Can that actually be possible? It can, said George. It totally can, said Jack. Okay, so thats how it was going to be. Dr. Mal asked a good question, Jack added. Why are you here? You said it was to make your parents happy, but is that really the only reason? Im also hoping to meet some awesome girls, I said. Can you guys help with that? Nareem, George, and Jack looked at each other. No, they all said, at the same exact time.

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Our cabin, which held eight campers, was called the

Roald Dahl cabin. (All the cabins were named after famous authors, btw. I was just glad I wasnt in the Mark Twaincabin. He and I havent gotten along ever since my sixth birthday was ruined, when my dad gave me the entire MarkTwaincollection as my only present. I still shiver just thinkingaboutit.)

When we walked in, the other four kids were busy unpacking. I introduced myself around. They all seemed like
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okay kids, but I could tell they were all a little weirded out by my argument with Dr. Mal. They definitely werent used to having a non-reader among them. Plus, they each had at least one really weird habit: Eric Cunkler spoke three languages, but barely talked at all. Jeremy Kim sneezed about twenty times a minute and kept a years supply of tissues under his bed. Kenny Sarcofsky had decided hed live foverer if he ate a lot of garlic, so he smelled a little different. Sam Thurber never changed his underwear (according to Nareem) but already had a short story published in The New Yorker magazine. And then there was Nareem, George, and Jack, whom youve already met, and our counselor, Dwayne, who actually seemed like a pretty cool guy, in an if you mess up I will kill you kind of way. Anyway, thats my cabin and the kids who were in it. Sounds like quite a gang, right? Do you want to guess who was the outsider in the bunch? Thats right. Me.

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