Running head: FAMILY PROJECT

Family of Origin Project Abiola Stella Oloyede Georgia Southern University Coun 8590: Family Theories in Counseling 16 April 2014

FAMILY PROJECT The Oloyedes My fathers upbringing was tumultuous. Even though he came from a monogamous, middle class household and was the first born of six children, he did not grow up in an emotionally stable environment. His father died when he was a young teenager, and his mother

hated him from his birth because he is dark skinned. Upon the death of his father, my father tried to become the head of the house, but lacking any favor and love from his mother, he quickly fell to be the black sheep of his family. My fathers upbringing has been extremely telling on his personal life and how he has treated the family that he and my mother created. He is still trying to vie for his mothers affection and approval. And in the process, he has neglected his responsibilities as a husband and father of four. My father has not made any income to provide for my family since I was 12 years old, and has been living in Nigeria for almost four years. He has a struggling photography business that he owns there, but we do not see any of the profit from it. He has told us countless times that his business comes first, and pays no bills for our livelihood in the United States. In fact, my mother has been financially supporting him and his business since he left. His role in our family is one that is both physically and psychologically absent. While my father is selfishly frivolous, my mother is selflessly generous. She grew up in a wealthy, polygamous, and loving household. So, my mother wanted for nothing; she lived a very sheltered, loving, privileged, and cultured life. She raised us the way she was raised, and has tried her best to provide us with everything we have ever needed and a lot of what we have wanted. My mother is the matriarch of my family; she is the breadwinner, confidant, and emotional support of everyone in the family.

FAMILY PROJECT My older brother, Babajide, has resisted taking the place of my father in our family, but he has still played the role. He grew up being well tended to, so he had a problem adjusting to

having to take care of others. However, he occasionally loans my mother some money to pay for bills as well as to supplement the extracurricular and miscellaneous expenses for our sisters. He now looks at his three sisters as his daughters, with how protective he is over us. He has gained a new level of respect for my mother when she explained her financial responsibilities in comparison to her monthly income, and takes a bigger role in helping her sustain a family of six. My brother used to defend my father, but he has now developed a little resentment toward him. He feels that my father abandoned his responsibilities as a husband and a father. My father thinks no one in the family understands him and his desire to be financially independent, so we just leave him alone past the occasional money transfer and phone calls. My two younger sisters play different, but important, roles in our family. Joy, the 15 year-old, is the calm spirit that is patient and quiet until she is pushed to a very far-out edge. When I am too short-tempered to explain something to my mother or do not have the time to be there emotionally for my mother, she will step in and lovingly soothe my mothers concerns. Dupe, the baby of the family, is our firecracker; she is very confident, assertive, and intelligent. She brings the discipline and child-like wisdom to our familial dynamic. Since she was the last to join the family and is only 11 years old, there are many issues that my parents, brother, and I know about and reference that she is clueless about. So, when my mother and I are discussing them she will be the one to be a very objective, but innocent perspective to it that will diminish the conflicts relevance. Joy chooses to not concern herself with family drama, but she has developed trust and abandonment issues because of my father. She would rather pacify the conflict with hugs and sweet words, and ignore confronting the pain. I have realized that if I need

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to someone to vent to and be comforted by, Joy is the sister to go to. If I need someone who will comfort me with encouragement and motivation to keep pressing forward, Dupe is the right person. She will give solutions and reassurance that will make you believe she has been here before. For instance, right now she is developing a movie to email my father that chronicles everything that has transpired in our lives since he left. I am in the middle of my family; I am the center of information, emotion, and counsel. My mother comes to me about everything that concerns her. This has placed me in the role of counselor for her, but also best friend. When my mother sees the negative side of a situation with work, school, or my father, I bring a rationale that allows her to see the situation from a different lens. My relationship with my father is stunted, but I am striving to do my part to make it healthy again. So, while we do not always talk, my mother uses me as her sounding board for all their issues. This has proven to be a very biased conflict of interest for me, because I immediately side my mother, but I still confront her on her faults in the situation. Being such a deep emotional support for my mother has elevated my role in her eyes from Parent-Child to Adult-Adult, but we still have a very profound maternal relationship with each other. My brother and I have a close, but distant relationship. We do not always talk, but when we do it is potent. We had a rocky childhood with each other, but that has subsided for the most part and we look for each others happiness in all aspects of life. For my younger sisters I take my role as the oldest sister very seriously. I have grown so much in the role and use them as practice for my own children, especially my daughters. I practically raised my sisters from birth, so I take their welfare as my own. When I am home, I supplement my mothers caregiving to them by providing for and teach them as well. I know that my mother has a lot on her proverbial plate, so

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I choose to take my sisters out to do things they cannot do while my mother works. I talk to them about sex, relationships, friendships, confidence, and pour into their self-esteem and self-image. Overall, as I stated earlier, my role in my family is The Counselor and The Initiator. We had never gone on a family vacation until I determined to change that last year. I sit the family down to hash out disagreements, whether they are between my sisters or my parents or my mother and brother. I try to help my family maintain a healthy homeostasis. The Rules My mom calls me and my sibling her two-generation kids, because my brother and I are three years apart and my sisters are three years apart, but there is an eight-year gap between me and my sister right after me. So the rules that my brother and I grew up with are not remotely the same as the ones our younger sisters are being raised on now. Growing up, my father was very physically and psychologically present in my and my brothers lives. He was very strict and impatient, and since I did not meet my father until I was six years-old, I had more difficulty adjusting to his parenting style than my brother. My mother positively reinforced me, never hit me, and was emotionally present in my life. My father would beat us for simple mistakes that we were never taught: putting aluminum in the microwave, sitting too close to the television, not greeting older people a certain way. I had it worse than my brother; my father was verbally abusive to me about my intelligence and my weight. We were not allowed to watch television during the school week, and he would check the back of the television to see if it was hot from us sneaking to watch it. If he caught us, we would be whooped. We could only use the internet for school work, and if we wanted to use it for leisure, it was only for two hours during the weekend. We could not each traditional Nigerian food with a fork; we had to use our hands because that is the traditional way. Both my parents

FAMILY PROJECT agreed that we could not go to our neighborhood friends houses, but they could not come over ours either. We were not allowed to go to sleepovers; we could only host them. Anything less

than A on report cards was unacceptable, and if we brought home less, we would be whooped by my father. My mother rarely put her hands on us. The very few times that she did, my brother and I agree that we deserved it. Now, my sisters can watch television and be on the internet all they want. For punishment, they have their major school trips and extracurricular activities taken away from them. My brother used to have his cell phone taken away whenever he made my parents upset, but my sisters now get their flat screen televisions, iPods, game systems, and cell phones taken away. However, my sisters do not get in trouble nearly as much as my brother and I did. If anything, they get a very stern lecture about why their actions are inappropriate and unacceptable. Nevertheless, there are some covert rules that everyone in my family, but I, adheres to: family business stays within the family; we do not answer people when they ask when my father is coming back; we do not tell other people our problems, we tell each other. I do not fully comply with these rules because not receiving outside help and perspective can be emotionally and mentally detrimental. I have seen how speaking up and out about what I am struggling with to either a counselor or an unknowing friend has released a lot of negative energy from me, and aided in certain familial reconciliations. Everyone else chooses to sweep things under the rug and smile in public like everything is always splendid. While I agree with the notion that everyone does not need to know everything, I believe that can only be to a certain extent.

FAMILY PROJECT Chronology of Family of Origin

Date Event Paternal 10/28/1955 Kayode O. is born Maternal 1895 Samuel O. is born 8/24/1920 Dada O. is born 1945 10/1/1960 Family of Origin 1984 2/7/1987 6/7/1987 8/20/1990 11/23/1991 8/6/1996 1/2/1999 12/13/2002 5/24/2008 6/23/2008 5/12/2012 Samuel & Dada marry Olabisi O. is born

Relation Star's father Star's maternal grandfather Star's maternal grandmother Star's maternal grandparents Star's mother

Location Ilorin, Nigeria Osun-Ekiti City, Ekiti, Nigeria Osun-Ekiti City, Ekiti, Nigeria Ile-Ife, Osun, Nigeria Ile-Ife, Osun, Nigeria

Kayode & Olabisi meet Kayode & Olabisi marry Babajide is born Abiola is born Olabisi & Abiola move to Ga, USA Kayode & Babajide move to Ga, USA Joy is born Dupe is born Abiola graduates high school Abiola enters college Abiola graduates college

Star's parents Star's parents Star's brother Star Star and Star's mother Star's father and brother Star's sister Star's sister Star Star Star

Ile-Ife, Osun, Nigeria Ile-Ife, Osun, Nigeria Ile-Ife, Osun, Nigeria Ile-Ife, Osun, Nigeria Ile-Ife, Osun, Nigeria Ile-Ife, Osun, Nigeria Atlanta, Georgia Atlanta, Georgia Lithonia, Georgia Lithonia, Georgia Lithonia, Georgia

As I completed my family of origin chronology, I realized that I know absolutely nothing about my fathers family history; I do not even know my paternal grandparents names. I do not know when my fathers parents were born or when his father died. Although my paternal grandmother is still alive, we do not communicate with her. I do not know when my fathers siblings were born or when his younger sister died. My fathers entire family is a blur to me, but that is a direct reflection of his relationship with them and my relationship with my father. On the other hand, I knew more about my mothers family than I thought I would. However, that does not surprise me because my mother has always been very forthcoming about her familys history throughout my life.

FAMILY PROJECT The more I went through my family of origins history, the more I understood what my mother meant whenever she would say, This family is a different breed of Oloyede. For my parents families to be so big, they are extremely disjointed. There is so much dissension

between my parents and their siblings. This has permeated the interactions between my nuclear family and my extended family whenever we are around each other. There is a thick level of distrust between my parents and their siblings that they have inadvertently passed down to us. My brother and I have tried to cut through it, but to no avail. My only hope is that my siblings and I will change the familial trend with our children.

FAMILY PROJECT Wheel of Influence

It was difficult thinking about who has impacted my life outside of my family, friends, and previous relationships. I came to the conclusion that, although I interact with many people, not many people impact my life. After a while, the people I wanted to list were only considered because I have impacted their lives. I realized that I impact those around me in a more apparent way than they impact me. Conversely, the people that I did list came to me effortlessly. These are the people who either truly matter in my life or have greatly impacted me. I am affiliated with many people, but I have learned that affiliation means nothing to me if I do not personally benefit from our interaction, be it positively or negatively.

FAMILY PROJECT 10 Once I was done creating my wheel I noticed that half of my wheel was dedicated to my family and the other half was dedicated to my friendships, relationships, and working relations. My exes are clumped to the top left side; my college best friends occupy the bottom left childhood best friend; but my mentor is on the same side as my family. When I explored why I did this, it came to me: my mentor, Chris, has helped me be sculpted into someone that my father did not think was necessary to cultivate within me. He has helped me understand what it feels like to be protected and have a man/father figure who is protective over me. I never experienced that from my father; my mother was always protecting me. That is why she is in the bottom center of my wheel; she is my rock and my equilibrium. My childhood best friend is beside my college best friends because she broke me down as a child. My current best friends receive the growth and progress that Ogis mistreatment provoked out of me. My ex-boyfriends have impacted my life because Kevin changed the course of my innocence, Brandon cultivated the seed of abandonment that my father sowed, and Seaborn has taught me what it truly means to love without the expectation of it being reciprocated. The people who have impacted my life have done so in both overt and covert ways. Whether they brought joy or sorrow into my life, they taught me lessons for my betterment. I could be upset at my ex-boyfriends, father, or childhood best friend for dragging me to my lowest point, but I am grateful that I have always had my mother, sisters, college best friends, and Counselor Education professors to outweigh that negative impact with their love.

FAMILY PROJECT 11 Genogram of Families of Origin

Creating my familys genogram brought a lot to the forefront about what is lacking in my family. My father has no cohesion between himself and his family; I do not even know my paternal grandparents first names. Such tension has made its way to the family he created with my mother. My parents have conflict because my father is more focused on appeasing the family he was born into, despite their mistreatment, that he neglects us. My sister, Joy, has conflict with my father because she was a daddys girl growing up, but now she resents him for abandoning us. I have conflict with my father because he has never been the father and husband we deserve. My mothers side has its own issues, but there is not as much conflict between the siblings as my fathers side; they are just distant from one another.

FAMILY PROJECT 12 Summary Throughout the course of developing this project I learned that being in the Oloyede family is not the most peaceful or amicable experience. It was not even enjoyable researching my fathers family, and had it not been for my mother, I would have learned nothing through my origin investigation. I was not aware of the familial drift amongst my family as I thought I was. I could feel it whenever it was bought up at home, but it took asking questions and creating my genogram, wheel of influence, and chronology to actualize the severity of the disconnect within my family. I always knew that my family was big, but separated. My mother emphasizes the necessity for me and my siblings to love each other and get along because of how distant she and my father are from their siblings. I also learned that my family is more secretive than I have ever remembered. While my mother was very knowledgeable and forthcoming with information, getting ahold of my father was a difficult task. When I was finally able to ask my father questions, he told me to mind my own business and hung up on me. With behaviors like that, I can completely understand why my fathers siblings do not get along with him; they are the same way, and learned such behavior from their mother. This is the reason why my mother does not want me and my siblings to have any contact with my paternal family. However, this project has motivated me to break the cycle of dysfunctionality within my family with my siblings.