Chapter 11

The Nature of Interpersonal Conflict

1. Defining Interpersonal Conflict: an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent
parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party
in achieving their goals.
a. Conflict Is An Expressed Struggle
i. Having a conflict means more than disagreeing.
1. You dont really have a interpersonal conflict until youve made the other
person aware of your feelings.
a. Conflict begins the moment it is expressed and the other person
receives that message.
b. Conflict is a behavior.
b. Conflict Occurs Between Interdependent Parties
i. Although all conflicts involve disagreements, a disagreement become a conflict only
if the parties depend on each other in some way- that is, if the actions of each party
affect the well-being of the other.
1. Conflict is common in relationships with high degrees of interdependence.
2. It is not considered interpersonal conflict if the two parties are completely
independent of each other.
c. Conflict Is About Goals The Parties See As Incompatible
i. Conflict stems from perceiving that our goals are incompatible with another
persons goals.
1. Two goals are incompatible when its impossible to satisfy both of them.
2. In reality, it may be possible to resolve conflict in manner that allows both
parties to achieve their goals. The parties perceive that their goals are
mutually exclusive, even if that perception is not objectively true.
d. Conflict Arises Over Perceived Scarce Resources
i. People tend to have conflict over resources they perceive to be limited.
1. Ex: money and time
e. Conflict Includes Interference
i. Two parties might have opposing goals with respect to some issue, but they wont
have genuine conflict until they act in ways that prevent each other from achieving
their goals.
2. Thinking About Interpersonal Conflict
a. Metaphors to describe conflict: positive, negative, and neutral
i. Conflict is a war. Conflict is a series of battles, with winners and losers.
ii. Conflict is an explosion. Conflict is like hearing a time bomb ticking and then
watching something blow up.
iii. Conflict is a trial. Each side presents its arguments and evidence, and whoever
argues best wins the conflict.
iv. Conflict is a struggle. Conflict is a difficult and ongoing part of life.
v. Conflict is an act of nature. Conflict simply happens to people; it cannot be prevented
or controlled.
vi. Conflict is an animal behavior. Only the strong survive; conflict is a natural part of all
creatures' lives.
vii. Conflict is a mess. Conflict is messy, and it contaminates other aspects of life.
viii. Conflict is miscommunication. Conflict stems from misunderstandings and
breakdowns in communication.
ix. Conflict is a game. Conflict is a fun competition in which participants test their skills
against each other.
x. Conflict is a heroic adventure. Conflict is about taking risks and conquering new
territory.
xi. Conflict is a balancing act. Engaging in conflict is like juggling or walking a tightrope;
one wrong move can spell disaster.
xii. Conflict is a bargaining table. Conflict brings people together for a collective
purpose.
xiii. Conflict is a tide. Conflict ebbs and flows; on the basis of experience, we can predict
when it is likely to occur.
xiv. Conflict is a dance. Partners learn how to move with each other through their
conflict episodes.
xv. Conflict is a garden. Experiences of conflict represent seeds for the future; if cared
for, they will result in a worthwhile harvest.
b. Because the way we frame a conflict can influence our experience of it, many therapists
encourage people to reframe their conflicts
i. Reframing means changing the way you think about an interpersonal situation so
that you adopt a more useful frame.

Conflict in Personal Relationships
1. Characteristics of Interpersonal Conflict
a. Conflict Is Natural
i. Conflict is a normal, natural part of relating to others.
ii. Almost every significant relationship is bound to experience conflict once in a while.
1. Having conflict with someone doesnt necessarily mean your friendship is
unhealthy or distressed.
a. What matters is how people handle their conflicts.
b. Conflict Has Content, Relational, and Procedural Dimensions
i. In personal relationships, conflicts often focus on a specific point of contention, but
on a deeper level they also have broader implications for the relationship itself.
1. Content Dimension: the specific topics from which the conflict arose.
2. Relational Dimensions: the implications the conflict has for the relationship.
a. This dimension is not so much about the content of the argument as it
is about the nature of their relationship.
3. Procedural Dimensions: rules or expectations individuals follow for how to
engage in conflict.
a. When people adopt dramatically different procedures for managing
conflict, they often wind up engaging in metaconflict, which is conflict
about conflict itself.
c. Conflict Can Be Direct Or Indirect
i. Handling conflict directly can lead to quicker resolution, but it may also cause the
conflict to escalate and become even more serious.
ii. Dealing with conflict indirectly may be easier and more comfortable, but it can also
leave the conflict unresolved for a longer period of time.
d. Conflict Can Be Harmful
i. Studies have demonstrated that engaging in conflict often causes the body to
produce a stress response by increasing the level of stress hormones and natural
killer cells in the bloodstream.
1. Stress created by conflict can even cause wounds to heal more slowly.
ii. Conflict is particularly harmful to personal well being when it escalates into
aggression and violence.
1. Research found that as many as half of all martial, cohabiting, and dating
relationships have involved some combination of verbal, physical, and/or
sexual aggression.
2. One study found that 12 percent of women and 11 percent of men had
committed at least one violent act against their romantic partner during
conflict.
3. Research has show that excessive alcohol use leads to more aggressive
behaviors and elevates the chances of violence within close relationships.
a. Excessive alcohol use is the third leading preventable cause of death
in the United States.
iii. Aggression is often the result of one persons attempts to dominate an argument and
by extension the partner.
1. Although the victims of relational aggression are most likely to be women,
both male and female romantic partners also victimize men.
2. Research shows that violence during conflict is approximately as common in
gay and lesbian relationship as in heterosexual ones.
iv. One of the most surprising findings concerning aggression is that it doesnt always
lead to dissatisfaction.
1. People in abusive relationships often see their partners physical aggression
as a sign of love, and they are frequently quick to forgive their partners
aggressive behaviors or even to blame themselves.
2. On the contrary, over time aggression frequently leads to an erosion of trust,
happiness, and self-esteem among its victims.
e. Conflict Can Be Beneficial
i. Working through a conflict in a positive, constructive manner can help two people
learn more about each other and their relationship.
1. It may also lead to a more satisfactory solution to the problem than either
could have come up with alone.
ii. Managing conflict constructively can also help to prevent small problems from
escalating into larger ones.
iii. Over time, the ability to handle conflicts positively may give people more confidence
in their communication skills and in the strength of their interpersonal
relationships.
1. Research on married couples have shown that spouses who engage in
constructive conflict behaviors are more satisfied with the outcomes of their
conflicts than spouses who dont.
2. The Most Common Sources of Conflict
a. Study by communication scholar Larry Erbert on conflict in marriage: men and women
identified the same three leading sources of conflict
i. The most common sources of conflict is personal criticism, or spouses complaints
or criticisms of each others undesirable behaviors or bad habits. (20%)
ii. The second was finances, or conflicts about money. (13%)
iii. The third was household chores, or conflicts over the division of labor.
iv. Other common sources of conflict for married couples were their children,
employment, in-laws, sex, how they should spend holidays and vacations, how they
should spend time in general, and how they communicate with each other.
b. Major topics of conflict are nearly identical for gay, lesbian, and heterosexual couples.
3. How Sex and Gender Affect Conflict
a. In North American societies, traditional gender socialization has encouraged women to
play nice by avoiding conflict and sacrificing their own goals in order to accommodate the
goals of others.
i. Tend to adapt less direct tactics such as passive aggression: individuals hide their
aggression in seemingly innocent behaviors.
ii. Women may also believe that they must fight for whatever resources are available
to them, particularly when they feel they are in a less-powerful position than men.
b. Men are often encouraged to engage in conflict directly, using competitive or even
aggressive behaviors to achieve victory.
i. At the same time, however, men are often taught not to hurt women.
1. Men often disengage when in conflict with women, thereby leaving the
conflict unresolved.
c. In opposite-sex romantic relationships, traditional gender messages often encourage to
adopt a demand-withdraw pattern, in which one partner makes demand, and the other
partner responds by withdrawing.
d. Research has found that lesbian and gay couples use strategies similar to those used by
heterosexuals to deal with conflict.
i. However gay and lesbian couples are likely to experience potential sources of
conflict that seldom afflict straight couples.
1. Ex: whom to tell, and how much to tell, about their sexual orientation.
4. How Conflict Affects Culture
a. Some scholars believe the most important cultural factor is whether ones culture is
individualistic or collectivistic.
i. Individualistic: learn that it is acceptable to disagree with others, and they are
encouraged to stand up for themselves in the face of conflict.
ii. Collectivistic: taught that the groups priorities take precedence over the
individuals and that maintaining group harmony takes precedence over pursuing
individual success.
1. More likely to manage conflict through avoiding the disagreement, yielding
to the other persons wishes, or asking a neutral party to mediate the conflict.
b. A second cultural dimension is whether the culture is low context or high context.
i. Low-Context: values communication that is explicit, direct, and literal.
1. When they engage in conflict they expect all parties to be clear about the
source of the disagreement and up front about their suggestions.
ii. High-Context: place premium on saving face and not embarrassing the other party.
1. Tend to discuss disagreements indirectly,, without direct accusations or
direct requests for action.
c. When two people approach a conflict with dramatically different values and norms, they
are likely to misunderstand each others behaviors, and that misunderstanding can
exacerbate the conflict.
5. Conflict Online
a. Conflict is especially frequent when people communicate online. This is because
communication has a disinhibition effect: meaning that it removes constraints and thus
invites people to say or do things that they wouldnt in person.
b. Researchers suggest several strategies for handling potential conflicts in online contexts:
i. Dont respond right away.
ii. Clarify anything that might be misunderstood.
iii. Put yourself in the other persons shoes.
iv. Use emotions to express your tone.

Power and Conflict
1. Characteristics of Power
a. Power: the ability to manipulate, influence, or control other people or events.
i. Certain people have more power than others, but we all possess it.
b. Power Is Context Specific
i. Many forms of power are only relevant in specific situations.
c. Power Is Based On Perception
i. If you are not perceived as powerful then you are not.
1. Other people decide how much power you are going to have.
d. Power Is Always Present
i. Within our relationships power is never equal.
1. Somebody always has more power.
ii. Symmetrical Relationship: a relationship between parties with similar levels of
power.
1. People in symmetrical relationships often communicate using the same types
of messages.
iii. Complementary Relationship: a relationship between parties of unequal power.
Relationship is defined as not being equal.
1. Ex: Teacher and Student; Superior and Subordinate; Parent and Child
2. Frequently communicate using different types of statements.
e. Power Influences Communication
i. Ericson and Rogers proposed that relational power is reflected in three specific
types of verbal messages people use:
1. One-Up Message: a verbal message through which the speaker attempts to
exert dominance or gain control over the listener.
a. Ex: Do the dishes. Email me your report Hey, lets meet at Chipotle
at 1:00pm for lunch.
2. One-Down Message: a verbal message that reflects acceptance of, or
submission to, another persons power.
a. Ex: Where would you like to go for dinner? Yeah, sure.
3. One-Across Message: a verbal message that seeks to neutralize relational
control and power.
a. Ex: Dad needs a new lawn mower. There are many brands to
choose from.
f. Power Can Be Positive or Negative
i. Complementary relationships in which there is a large difference in power can be
highly satisfying if they meet two conditions:
1. The two parties must agree on the power arrangement.
2. The powerful person should exercise his or her power ethically and
responsibly, in ways that benefit both parties.
g. Power and Conflict Influence Each Other
i. Conflict particularly affects the exercise and balance of power.
h. Prerogative Principle
i. If you have the power to make the rules, you have the power to break the rules.
2. Forms of Power
a. Reward Power: power that derives from the ability to reward.
i. If somebody says they are going to reward you and they dont (either because the
forget or arent able to) they lose power.
ii. Ex: your supervisor has power over you because they pay you and can promote you
for doing what they say.
b. Coercive Power: power based on the ability to punish.
i. If somebody says they are going to punish you and they dont (either because the
forget or arent able to) they lose power.
1. Ex: If you parents say your grounded for a specific amount of time and they
dont follow through with it, then you dont really care about the punishment.
ii. Ex: when you go to court the judge has power over you because they can punish you
with fine or imprisonment for not doing as he says.
c. Referent Power: power that derives from ones attraction to or admiration for another.
i. The more attraction you have for a person the more power they have and the less
power you have.
ii. Ex: working harder for instructors you like than for those you dislike or buying
products endorsed by celebrities you admire.
d. Legitimate Power: power based on ones legitimate status or position.
i. Ex: If a police officer signals you to pull over you comply because you perceive the
officer has a legitimate right to make you do so.
e. Expert Power: power that derives from ones expertise, talent, training, specialized
knowledge, or experience.
i. You dont have be an actual expert, you just have to more knowledge than the other
person in the relationship. However, to keep the power your information must be
accurate.
ii. Ex: we follow the advice of a doctor, a professor, or an electrician because we
recognize that their training and experience give them expertise we ourselves dont
have.
3. Sex, Gender, and Power
a. Across cultures and time periods, societies have defined male-female relationships largely
in terms of mens power over women.
i. Patriarchy: structures social units such as families and communities so that men
control the resources.
ii. Women and men have equal employment rates in fewer than half the worlds
countries, and equal literacy rates in only a third.
b. Power affects women and men differently.
i. Principle of Least Interest: the partner who is less invested in the relationship is the
more powerful partner, because he or she has less to lose by leaving the
relationship.
1. Men experience no increase in stress as a result of marital conflict under any
circumstances.
a. When men argued with less powerful wives, their stress actually
decreased.
2. Women didnt experience increased stress as a result of conflict when they
had equal power with or more power than their spouse.
a. They did react stressfully to conflict when they had less power.
4. Culture and Power
a. High Power Distance: characterized by an uneven distribution of power.
i. People are socialized to view the unequal distribution of power as normal or even
desirable.
1. Ex: Indias Caste System
b. Low Power Distance: exhibit a more equal distribution of power among social groups.
i. Although some social groups may have somewhat more power than others, the
prevailing belief among citizens is that all people are inherently equal and that
power differences between groups should be small.
ii. May be more likely to engage in conflict with anyone they perceive to be oppressive.

Managing Interpersonal Conflict
1. According to Gottman, how couples argue, and not how frequently they argue, predicts their
chances for staying together. Identified four behaviors as the warning signs for separation or
divorce: refers to those behaviors as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
a. Problematic Behaviors During Conflict
i. Criticism: the expression of complaints about another party.
1. Criticism isnt always bad, but it becomes counterproductive when it focuses
on peoples personality of character rather than on their behavior.
a. Ex: You always have to be right.
2. Criticisms also tend to be global statements about a persons value or virtue
instead of specific critiques about the topic of the conflict.
3. Gunnysacking: privately saving up their past grievances and then bringing
them up all at once.
ii. Contempt: a feeling of superiority over, and disrespect for, others the expression of
insults and attacks on anothers self-worth.
1. Can include calling each other names, using sarcasm or mockery to make fun
of the other person, such as eye rolling and sneering.
2. Research indicates that responding to conflict with this type of hostile
behavior often increases physical stress in the partners, which can impair
their health.
iii. Defensiveness: excessive concern with guarding oneself against the threat of
criticism; the tendency to deny the validity of criticism directed at the self.
1. Ex: Its not my fault.
2. People are particularly prone to feel defensive about criticism when they
recognize that the criticisms have merit but they dont want to accept the
responsibility for changing their behaviors.
iv. Stonewalling: withdrawing from a conversation or an interaction.
1. People who stonewall will often act as though they are shutting down.
2. Research has suggested that people stonewall when they feel emotionally
and psychologically flooded, or incapable of engaging in the conversation any
longer.
a. When husbands stonewall during a conflict, their wives often
experience significant increases in the stress hormones cortisol and
norepinephrine.
2. According to Robert Blake and Jane Mouton, your options for dealing with conflict are based on
two underlying dimensions: your concern for your own needs and desires, and your concern for
the other partys needs and desires. These dimensions give rise to five major strategies for
engaging in conflict: all of these styles are useful and beneficial in certain situations
a. Strategies for Managing Conflict Successfully
i. Competing: a strategy for managing conflict in which ones goal is to win while the
other party loses.
1. We are more likely to compete in media based communication than face-to-
face.
a. We are also more likely to compete if we are in the presence of other
friends.
2. There are no tie games- one teams wins is the other teams loss
a. You win, they lose.
3. Might be appropriate in situations when there is a concrete outcome that
cannot be shared, as when two people are competing for the same job.
a. Becomes problematic when it starts leading to feelings of resentment
or desires to get even with the other person.
b. The more you compete the higher the chance is the other person will
compete back. Higher chance then that the conflict will escalate.
i. Try not to use sudden death statements
1. Ex: I will fire you!
ii. Avoiding: a strategy for managing conflict that involves ignoring or failing to deal
with the conflict in the first place.
1. Means ignoring the conflict and hoping it will go away on its own.
a. Everyone loses.
2. Some people choose avoidance because they are uncomfortable engaging in
conflict; others choose it because they dont care enough about the outcome
to bother.
a. Often leaves important conflicts unresolved and frustration builds up.
b. Have pseudo fights instead over other issues that have nothing to do
with the conflict.
c. Sometimes to avoid we skirt around the topic, that is joke about the
topic to get it our there, but you dont really want to talk about it.
d. We also do snipping, that is say something aggressive and them
immediately leave so you dont have to talk about it.
iii. Accommodating: a strategy for managing conflict that involves giving in to the other
partys needs and desires while subordinating ones own.
1. Strategy may work well in the short term. In the long term, continually
accommodating the other party can make an individual feel resentful.
2. In collectivist societies accommodating in response to conflict is often
expected and is viewed as respectful or noble.
3. Happens a lot of time when you are in the position of lesser power.
a. You lose, they win.
iv. Compromising: a strategy for managing conflict in which both parties give up
something they want so that both can receive something they want.
1. Neither party gets exactly what he or she wants, but all parties leave the
conflict having gained something valuable.
a. Both win a little, and both lose a little.
2. Takes time (not as much as collaborating though) and patience, but it often
leads to better outcomes than competing, avoiding, or accommodating.
v. Collaborating: a strategy for managing conflict that involves working toward a
solution that meets both parties needs.
1. The goal is to arrive at win that maximizes both parties gains.
a. Everyone wins
b. Ideal, because you are creating a third solution that both parties are
just as happy with as goals they came to the conflict with.
2. The ideal way to handle conflict in most situations, but it can also require a
great deal of energy, patience, and imagination.
a. Cannot happen unless both parties are willing to participate.
b. Solution only has to make sense to the parties involved.
3. Balance
a. Verbal Aggression: when you verbally attack someones self-worth or self-concept, rather
than focusing on what the topic is.
i. Often leads to physical aggression.
ii. Significant rise in verbal aggression over the past 15 to 20 years.
1. Verbal aggression is more public now.
iii. When you move into contempt you are being verbally aggressive.
1. Can be verbal and nonverbal.
b. Argumentativeness: ability to stay focused on the topic without crossing the line to
personal attacks.
i. The better we are at arguing our points and staying on topic the lower levels of
verbal aggression we have.
ii. We teach less argumentative skills nowadays.
1. Many schools dont have debate teams anymore.
4. Six Steps For Handling Conflict
a. Prepare what our issue is and what we want.
i. One of the most important steps.
b. Make a date.
i. Pick out a time to talk about the conflict.
ii. Talking about a conflict immediately is not always the best solution.
c. Confrontation
i. Use I statements, not you statements.
ii. Avoid always and never.
iii. Focus on what you want, not what you dont want.
iv. Consider the atmosphere of the conflict.
v. I more than two people are involved, only speak for yourself.
d. Points of View
i. If you are bringing the conflict up out of the blue give the other person to time to
think about it if they need it.
e. Resolve
i. The solution only has to make sense to the parties involved.
f. Follow Up
i. For a long lasting resolution, this is the most important step.
ii. Set up a time to check back in. That way if the resolution isnt working you can
tweak it instead of starting the conflict all over again.