RULES OF LIFE

Rule 1: Never forget your girlfriends birthday

Steve Whyley
FADE IN:
INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING.
A modern Italian restaurant that is packed with guests.
STAN, a 30 something man, who wears glasses and looks like
he is in need of losing some weight is speaking to a WAITER.
STAN
(out of breath and sweating)
Cramp. Cramp!
STAN drops to the floor and starts screaming in pain
prompting the people at the restaurant to look round at the
commotion.
WAITER
Quick get this man a chair.
Another waiter passes the WAITER a chair. The WAITER hoists
STAN onto the chair but STAN is still writhing in pain. The
WAITER, concerned at all the noise, lifts STAN through the
restaurant. Whilst STAN is on the chair STAN passes someone
he recognises.
THE INTERVIEWER
Not your day is it son?
The WAITER carries STAN through the restaurant and places
him out back in the kitchen. STAN gets out his phone and on
to his Rules of Life Twitter account and types
SUPERIMPOSE: Whatever you do, dont forget your girlfriends
birthday.
TITLES
INT. LOUNGE - EARLIER THAT DAY.
TITLE: EARLIER THE SAME DAY
FADE IN:
The lounge is a student looking type of living area, pizza
boxes adorn the floor, there are DVDs scattered everywhere.
The lounge is very dark and unwelcoming.
STAN is sitting on the sofa, in a very ragged dressing gown,
watching TV gormlessly. It is early morning and STAN looks
half asleep.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
EMMA is a late twenties, curvy blonde. She is better looking
than Stan but not intimidatingly so. She is wearing a
Ramones vest top, with a blazer and a pair of heels.
EMMA
Can you put the rubbish out?
STAN
Will do, just give me five. Just
watching Aled and Lorraine. Theyre
magic.
EMMA
Fine, Ill do it myself then.
STAN (V/O)
Why do you always need a job to be
done that instant?
EMMA walks through the lounge huffing and puffing dragging
the rubbish. She knocks something over on the way through.
It is a large birthday card that says Happy 30th birthday
to the best daughter in the world.
STAN picks up the birthday card and puts it back on the
coffee table. His attention immediately goes back to the
television. STAN notices that EMMA looks very annoyed.
STAN (V/O)
Shes playing the pretending
nothing is wrong when something
clearly is game. That universal
game that all women seem to know.
CUT TO:
DREAM SEQUENCE
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
STAN is buttering his toast in his dressing gown.
STAN (V/O)
If its like last time then Ive
got up to three guesses before she
erupts and snaps.
EMMA enters, clutching a knife really tightly, walks across
the room towards STAN. STANs Eyebrows raised in terror as
EMMA approaches him with a knife.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
STAN (V/O)
Just dont guess wrong otherwise...
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - HOUR LATER
STAN lying motionless on the floor, covered in blood.
END DREAM SEQUENCE
CUT TO:
INT. LOUNGE - MORNING
EMMA enters the lounge and sits down on the sofa.
STAN (V/O)
Get her talking. About anything.
Just invent something. Something to
break this brutal silence and avoid
this stupid game.
STAN
Ive told Hursty that well be
going to his thirtieth bash. Hope
thats ok?
EMMA
Fine. Did you get him a card?
STAN
I dont do cards for mates but got
him a great present. Got him the
Blade Trilogy.
EMMA
So you bought him a present?
STAN
Yes, the Blade Trilogy.
EMMA
Youre unbelievable.
STAN
(confused)
Thank you?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
EMMA
It wasnt a compliment.
STAN (V/O)
Brilliant. Dont tell me whats
wrong will you. Let me spend the
morning guessing. I really enjoy it
when we do this. Time for a guess.
STAN
Are you mad at me because Ive
dropped down to two kisses on
texts?
EMMA
(scrunches her face)
No! Was you born an idiot?
CUT TO:
DREAM SEQUENCE
INT. HOSPITAL - MORNING
MOTHER screaming, DOCTOR delivers crying baby.
DOCTOR
Im sorry to have to tell you this,
but this boy is an idiot.
MOTHER starts to cry.
END DREAM SEQUENCE
CUT TO:
INT. LOUNGE - MORNING
STAN
But I thought girls got mad at
things like that?!
EMMA
Well, Im not like that am I? And
anyway, who analyses how many
kisses they put on the end of
texts?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
STAN (V/O)
You, thats who.
STAN
Ok, youre right. Sorry.
EMMA
When are you going to wake up and
realise youre in an adult
relationship?
STAN
Alright, calm down.
STAN then speaks in a Scouse accent to relieve the tension.
STAN
Hey, calm down, calm down.
EMMA looks at STAN with fury.
STAN (V/O)
Why do the accent?
EMMA
(annoyed)
So this is all a big joke to you is
it?
STAN
No it is not, but I dont know what
to say because I dont know whats
wrong?!
EMMA begins to clench up her hands.
STAN (V/O)
What is that weird rash thing on
her arm? Why has her face suddenly
gained a pinkish hue?
STAN
Was it Blade? Did you want a
different ending? Did it not live
up to the hype?
EMMA
No, you absolute moron! Are you
incapable of having an adult
conversation?
(BEAT)
Oh and why were on the subject, I
dont like Wesley Snipes. I never
have done.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
STAN (V/O)
(gobsmacked)
And breathe.
EMMA is seething, stands up and begins to tidy angrily.
STAN (V/O)
What have I forgotten? Did she see
me pee in the bath? Could be...but
do I want to bring that up? Such a
risk if that isnt the issue,
although it could deflect attention
from this thing that I had done.
No, if she finds out Ive peed in
the bath then she will never have a
bath with me again. I am in
trouble. What could it be?
(BEAT)
This must be big - look at her,
shes fuming.
STAN
Is it that I said you had gained
weight recently?
STAN (V/O)
Now this is a huge moment. I dont
know why I originally said it a
week ago.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK
INT. BEDROOM - EVENING
EMMA is zipping up a nice dress. STAN has not bothered to
get ready yet and is just reading a magazine on the bed.
EMMA is looking at her bum in the mirror.
EMMA
Look at me, have I gained weight?
STAN looks up from his Star Trek
magazine and looks over in EMMAS
direction.
STAN
Only slightly.
STAN looks down at the magazine, then immediately back up
towards EMMA, his eyes shocked at his own words.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
STAN (V/O)
That was a mistake. That couldve
been forgiven, why have I brought
it back up with this audience?
Relationship suicide man.
END FLASHBACK
CUT TO:
INT. LOUNGE - MORNING
EMMA looks at STAN with sheer disdain.
EMMA
NO. No, you idiot, its not that.
STAN
Then what have I done? Is it
Hurstys birthday, do you not want
to go? Should I have asked you
first?
EMMA
Ive got to go to work.
STAN
Please dont. Please stay! We need
to sort this and I need your help
for the interview.
EMMA
Well you shouldve thought of that
before. You really are so selfish.
STAN
Selfish? Im trying to get a new
job for you. For...
EMMA
For me?
STAN
Yes.
EMMA
Rubbish. You just cant handle
Housham anymore. Dont you dare
make me feel bad.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
STAN
I wasnt trying to. And its not
Housham. Look at us, we need our
own place. The landlord should be
paying US for living here.
EMMA
Ive got to go to work.
STAN
Im sorry. Please can we sort this?
EMMA departs slamming the door behind her.
STAN (V/O)
Just tell me how I mucked up. Oh
shut up Lorraine, dont look at me
like that.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE FOYER - MORNING
STAN walks into the office, passes two security guards, and
taps his pass to let him in to the building. STAN walks
through reception.
STAN (V/O)
My girlfriend hates me and Ive got
to somehow get out of here at two
for an interview. Life is just
brilliant.
STAN gets to the lift area and pushes the lift button.
A large group of people arrive, STAN ushers them into the
lift and waits for the next one.
Lift doors open. It is empty. STAN enters. His face is
visibly smug. The lift is quite a cramped lift. STAN strolls
in to the lift and looks at himself in the lift mirror and
begins squeezing a spot. STAN casually presses number seven
on the panel and leans on the little rail that runs round
the interior of the lift.
STAN (V/O)
Cant beat an empty lift.
The lift doors close. The lift doors immediately open. A
Rastafarian strolls in slowly listening to his reggae music.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
STAN (V/O)
No not the Buffalo Soldier.
Another three people enter - SUE and PAM - fifty something
natterers. And a very smart man in a suit.
STAN (V/O)
No, no, no - not eighth floor Sue.
I have to hide, I cannot talk to
Sue. Pointless chat. I dont care
about you Sue. Hopefully she will
not see me. How can I hide? I am in
a six foot square lift.
STAN attempts to move behind the Rastafarian and then with a
look of sheer horror sees SIMON the security guard entering
with a bike.
STAN (V/O)
You have to be kidding. We cant
get a bike in here! We already have
the soldier, Pam, Sue, Tie Rack and
me.
STAN frantically presses the close button on the lift. The
doors are part closed when BARRY - fat, sweaty and grinning
enters holding a Starbucks coffee.
STAN (V/O)
Not Barry. Barry needs a wash.
Barry needs to diet. Barry needs to
brush his teeth. The doors close.
STAN (V/O)
So I wanted to hide from Sue and
instead I am smack in her grill -
practically kissing her. Brilliant.
SUE
Hi Stan.
STAN (V/O)
Oh God Sue dont speak. I dont
like you Sue. I have never liked
you Sue.
STAN
Hi Sue, keeping well?
SUE
Mustnt complain, how is life down
on the seventh?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.
STAN (V/O)
Sue its one floor difference. What
do you think we have down here - a
giant trampoline and gallons of
7UP?
(BEAT)
The only difference between floors
eight and seven is a number.
STAN
Yes not bad Sue...very busy at the
moment, you know how it is.
STAN (V/O)
I have no idea how it is.
SUE
This is for Emma.
SUE passes Stan an envelope with EMMAs name on it.
STAN (V/O)
How does Sue know Emma? Maybe she
means Emma Bunton?
STAN
Thanks Sue.
SUE
Hope she likes it.
STAN (V/O)
Imagine if I was with Emma Bunton.
What am I talking about?
The lift stops at the second floor. A man enters the lift,
it is HOUSHAM. HOUSHAM looks annoying. He is small and
rotund; he wears irritatingly big glasses and a pin striped
suit. He has two badges on his lapels that read health and
safety officer and fire monitor.
STAN (V/O)
Oh god please, anyone but Housham.
HOUSHAM doesnt notice STAN. BARRY slurps his coffee very
loudly.
SUE reacts by tutting.
STAN (V/O)
Sues raging. Absolutely raging.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.
SUE
Yeah I am really busy too...what do
you make of the restructure?
STAN (V/O)
I didnt even ask you a question
Sue! I dont care about the
restructure - the sooner I am out
of this company the better.
STAN
Its shocking isnt it? So many
innocent people, all those families
affected. All because of those fat
cat bankers.
STAN (V/O)
I love those bankers, I wish I was
one.
SUE
So true Stan, so true.
HOUSHAM
Good morning Stanley, I didnt see
you hiding there.
STAN (V/O)
Its Stan.
STAN
Morning.
HOUSHAM
Some rare wise words from you.
STAN (V/O)
Fuck off Housham.
STAN
Its something I am very passionate
about.
BARRYs slurping is getting louder and louder.
STAN (V/O)
Barry no. No Barry, no. Sue, keep
it together. Housham is going to
pipe up here.
(BEAT)
Pam is desperately trying to stay
away from any eye contact. Pam -
the model lift customer.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.
DING
BARRY and the man in the suit exit on the third floor. SIMON
also begins to move his bike out forcing PAM, SUE and STAN
to temporarily leave the lift to allow SIMON to exit. They
re-enter the lift along with another man who has a guide
stick and immediately people move to give him space.
STAN moves ever so slightly and is now on the right side
with HOUSHAM behind him. SUE and PAM have moved over to the
left. HOUSHAM cant see the blind man as he is looking at
his blackberry.
BLIND MAN
Can you press four please?
A very loud audible sigh from Housham is heard.
STAN (V/O)
I appreciate there are few perks
involved with being disabled - car
parking space aside, but one
massive plus must be that he
doesnt have to justify not walking
the one floor.
BLIND MAN
Who just sighed?
Lift remains quiet but PAM and SUE stare at STAN. HOUSHAM
looks up from his phone and sees the blind man. He
immediately recoils and begins to squirm.
STAN (V/O)
What have I done? I didnt sigh,
that was clearly Housham.
BLIND MAN
Let me guess, you sighed because I
am going up one floor. Well I am
sorry I am blind, how inconvenient
of me.
STAN (V/O)
Brutal!
SUE
Stan you should really apologise.
STAN (V/O)
Apologise? What have I done?
STAN looks at HOUSHAM who has a weird grin on his face.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.
STAN
Sorry Sue what was I meant to have
done exactly?
BLIND MAN
So youre not even apologising?
HOUSHAM
This is pretty pathetic Stanley.
DING
BLIND MAN
Are you sure I am ok to leave or
would you be happier if I rode the
lift all day?
STAN (V/O)
What the heck is happening?
STAN
I didnt do anything!
BLIND MAN exits.
SUE
That was pretty disgusting Stan.
You could have at least apologised
to the poor man.
STAN
(frustrated)
How do you know he was even blind?
STAN (V/O)
Ah Stan thats not smart.
RASTAFARIAN MAN
What did you just say?
HOUSHAM stares at STAN
STAN (V/O)
Breathe.
STAN
It wasnt me who sighed. Im sorry
but it honestly wasnt.
SUE
And to make it worse you think hed
make up the fact he was blind? What
sort of animal do you think he is?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.
PAM
I am surprised at you Stan.
STAN (V/O)
Oh come on! Not Pam as well
STAN
(stuttering)
It wasnt me who sighed. It was...
DING
Lift doors open. STAN and HOUSHAM are forced to make their
exit.
SUE
(tilting her head)
Goodbye Stan.
STAN
But Sue, Sue. The lift doors close.
INT. FLOOR FIVE FOYER - MORNING
STAN and HOUSHAM move their way to the door.
HOUSHAM
Got something against blind people
Stanley?
STAN
I liked your ex wife.
HOUSHAM
She wasnt blind?
STAN (V/O)
Shed have to be to have married
you.
STAN
Youre right. Sorry thinking of
someone else.
HOUSHAM taps his pass on the electronic card reader and
walks through the door. STAN proceeds to walk through the
open door. HOUSHAM stops him. STAN looks at HOUSHAM
inquisitively. HOUSHAM nods towards the electronic card
reader on the wall.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.
STAN
But you know who I am. I work four
feet away from you. Do I really
need to tap in?
HOUSHAM
I dont make the rules Stanley.
HOUSHAM closes the door with a grin on his face.
STAN is forced to get his pass out of his bag and to then
tap it on the pass reader to let himself in.
STAN (V/O)
As much as I want the new job, and
as much as I want to sort things
out with Emma, I now only have one
ambition for today. I have to steal
that mans pass.
STAN walks through the office, beginning to unzip his coat.
STAN marches his way past desks, looking down at the floor
awkwardly so as not to make eye contact with his colleagues.
He is having difficulty with his coat as the zip has got
stuck. STAN stops to help free the zip but is unable to do
so.
STAN arrives at his desk, steps out of his coat and plops
himself down at his chair.
STAN sits next to PAUL who has just sat down.
PAUL is only slightly younger than STAN but has a youthful,
laddish charm. PAUL is trim, clean shaven and sporting short
brown well kept hair. PAUL has a photo of himself hugging
John Terry. He has a very messy desk.
On STANS desk we see a photo of his girlfriend EMMA.
STAN
You have one thing, and one thing
only to achieve today.
PAUL
Pass?
STAN
You read my mind!
PAUL
PAUL brandishes HOUSHAMs pass
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.
PAUL (contd)
Way ahead of you!
STAN
You beautiful man! How on earth did
you get it? He was with me two
minutes ago!
PAUL
Id just finished shitting out last
nights curry.
STAN
Nice.
PAUL
And in came your majesty. I was
washing my hands.
STAN
Im amazed. Was always convinced
you were a non washer. Thats why I
never shake your hand.
PAUL
If I do a curry poo then I do a
quick rinse, but for a wee I dont
bother.
STAN nods along approvingly.
Anyway I was washing these magic
fingers when Fireman Sam came in to
brush his teeth.
STAN
Brush his teeth?
PAUL
I know! No amount of brushing will
get rid of halitosis.
STAN laughs.
Anyway, as hes bent down to get
his toothpaste out.
STAN
Colegate?
PAUL
Standard.
(BEAT)
Ive nabbed his pass that was on
the side.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.
STAN
Ive said it before, and Ill say
it again. You sir, are a beautiful
man.
PAUL
No matter what happens today, I now
feel like Ive achieved something.
STAN
Youre bloody right. You want to
stick this little episode on your
end of year appraisal.
PAUL
You got that interview later?
WEST enters. She goes and sits at the Managers desk. WEST is
in her mid-thirties, has frizzy ginger hair and her face is
covered in freckles. WEST is wearing librarian like clothes.
STAN
Yep. Just need to work out how I am
going to get it past Hawkeye and
West.
STAN nods in WESTs direction and smiles.
PAUL
Hawkeye and West, sounds like a
poor ITV show.
STAN
To be fair West isnt the problem.
Its Housham that Im worried
about.
PAUL
Yeah West is sound. To get past
Housham I think youve got to kill
off your Nan.
STAN
What again? Cant mate already done
that, she died when me, you and
Matt went to Amsterdam remember?
PAUL
Other Nan?
STAN
Did that last week for the other
interview.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.
PAUL
Time to up the stakes. Just found
out your mums got cancer?
STAN
Bit dark though isnt it? Just to
get out of an afternoon at work my
mum has got to have cancer.
PAUL
It doesnt have to be terminal.
Good film that by the way.
STAN
Is that Hanks in the Airport?
PAUL
Yep.
STAN
Zeta Jones at her best.
PAUL
Its no Entrapment.
PAUL then does an impression of Sean Connery
My name is Mac MacDougal, and I am
an international art thief.
STAN laughs.
STAN
Such a woeful film.
PAUL
Loved the ending. It literally made
no sense!
STAN
Mate, I still need this excuse!
Housham is begging West to fire me
as it is! And I need this new job!
PAUL
How come? Other than that tool I
thought you were ok here?
STAN
I just cant stand him and I want
to get a place with Emma but have
no money but I cant afford to have
no job!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.
PAUL
If you get a job then make sure you
get me in straight after. Imagine
if it was just me with Housham -
so, so bleak.
STAN
I will if you give me a good
excuse.
PAUL
Just go old school. Just say you
dont feel well. Keep running to
the bog and fake throwing up. I
reckon itd need to be nine trips
before West sends you home. Maybe
ten, depending on her mood.
STAN
Lovely shout.
PAUL
Before I forget, can you say to
Emma sorry its so late but I
forgot!
PAUL hands STAN a very poorly constructed card with Emmas
name on it.
STAN
Sue gave me an envelope with Emmas
name on it this morning as well.
You three laundering money or
something?
PAUL
No its for her birthday mate.
Moneys tight so I had to make it.
STAN
FUCK! FUCK!
PAUL
Dont worry, its not that bad. I
got a B in Art.
STAN is incredibly agitated.
PAUL
Whats wrong?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.
STAN
Ive forgotten her birthday!
PAUL looks shocked.
STAN
This is bad isnt it?
PAUL
Bad? Bad? Its bloody awful mate!
Especially after last years
debacle!
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK
INT. LOUNGE - DAY - SOFA
EMMA is cautiously unwrapping a present on the sofa, STAN
like an excited school boy beside her.
STAN
Now I know youll like this one!
Ive done my research! On Amazon it
says that if youre going to buy
only one forty inch Paul Ross
canvas print, this is the one to
buy!
EMMAS face turns to stone as she opens the present to see a
Paul Ross canvas staring back at her.
END FLASHBACK
CUT TO:
INT.OFFICE - DAY
STAN
What the hell am I going to do? No
way can I let her go.
PAUL
Theres no precedent. I dont know
anyone, anyone, who has forgotten a
girlfriends birthday. A big one at
that - shes thirty man!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.
STAN
Thirty? Oh Christ. Well thats it.
Time to throw in the towel. Raise
the white flag. The fat lady has
sung.
PAUL
Speak to Matt and Hursty. They may
be able to suggest something? Matt
probably knows her better than you
after all!
STAN
True. Ill arrange a drink and go
from there. Im stuffed though
arent I?
PAUL
Oh yeh definitely.
STAN
Should I send her some flowers?
PAUL
YES! An entire florists worth.
STAN
I genuinely thought she was just in
a mood with me for no apparent
reason. Classic me.
PAUL
I wont lie mate this is bad.
STAN
I absolutely have to sort this. The
whole point of this new job is to
get a place with her!
STAN puts his head in hands.
PAUL
At least youll have your own games
room.
STAN looks unimpressed
Youre right. Too soon. Let me know if I can help.
STAN
Thanks mate, let me email the boys,
but first Id better ring Em.
STAN phones EMMA. It goes to voicemail.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.
STAN
I know why you are annoyed at me.
Em, I am so unbelievably sorry. I
will make this up to you. I
promise. For a start, can you meet
me at Pizza Express tonight at Six
and we can talk? I am so sorry.
STAN then turns his attention to his Outlook account and
begins writing an email to EMMA
STAN hesitating. Scratching the back of his head, uneasily
grimacing.
"Baby, I love you. Im sorry. XX"
Stan then adds another X, before taking it away, and then
adding it again.
STAN receives an email from PAUL. It reads: "Remember
toilet"
STAN sprints past WEST and HOUSHAM to the toilet to feign
sickness.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
STAN sitting at his desk. HOUSHAM and WEST over shoulder.
JOHN enters. JOHN looks frail and vulnerable. JOHN is
sporting a black armband on his coat.
STAN (V/O)
How can I make it up to her? Thirty
as well... STAN looks up at JOHN
and immediately back towards his
screen, pupils darting from side to
side.
STAN (V/O)
Oh brilliant. Now Johns arrived.
Here comes five minutes of my life
that Im never getting back.
STAN
Morning John, Good night last
night?
STAN continues staring at his screen. STAN is emailing EMMA.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.
STAN (contd)
"Hi Em, I love you. I hope you know
that?"
FREEZE FRAME ON JOHNS FACE. JOHN LOOKS UPSET.
STAN (V/O)
Why do I do this? Every single
morning I ask this question to
John. And every single morning John
will respond Yes it was good
thanks, and you? to which I reply
yes I had a lovely evening. I
gain nothing from these
conversations.
UNFREEZE FRAME
STAN types two kisses on the end of his email to EMMA.
Pauses, then adds one more.
REWIND SCENE TO JOHN WALKING IN.
STAN
Morning John, Good night last
night?
STAN deletes the third kiss on his email and is now left
with two.
STAN (V/O)
Yes it was good thanks
JOHN
(sobbing)
No, not really, my dog died. STAN
looks up at PAUL in bewilderment
who walks off smirking.
STAN (V/O)
What? What did he say? What do I
say?
STAN
Ah I am so sorry John. Had you had
him a long time?
STAN (V/O)
I dont care if John has had this
dog decades but I had to ask
something.
CUT TO:
24.
FLASHBACK
INT. OFFICE - DAY
JOHN showing STAN photos of his memories, dog wearing a
birthday hat, the two of them at dinner and visiting famous
landmarks including the Eiffel Tower, The Sydney Opera House
and the Hollywood hills.
END FLASHBACK
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE - DESK - MORNING
JOHN
About fourteen years. He was such a
special dog.
STAN awkwardly stands and approaches JOHN
STAN
Sorry John, I really dont know
what to say.
JOHN moves in towards STAN. STAN is taken aback and thinks
he is going for a handshake. He offers his hand but JOHN is
approaching fast. STANS outstretched hand gets squashed
against JOHNS crutch and the two engage in an awkward hug.
(LONG PAUSE)
JOHN now satisfied, drying his tears, and leaves for the
toilet.
PAUL walks back to his desk.
PAUL
Blimey mate, were you just wanking
off John?
HOUSHAM looks up with a disapproving shake of the head.
STAN (V/O)
Great, John now thinks of me as a
truly close friend.
PAUL chuckles.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 25.
PAUL
Once youre done being Rolf. You
need to up the toilet frequency...
STAN nods and then sprints past WEST to the toilet again.
PAUL looks at HOUSHAM.
PAUL
Id avoid trap two if I was you.
PAUL walks off smirking. HOUSHAM looks angry.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
STAN walking back from the toilet. PAUL, HOUSHAM and WEST
are all sitting at their desks.
WEST
Stan, you seem incredibly poorly.
Ive noticed youve gone to the
toilet way in excess of ten times.
I think you should go home and
rest.
STAN (V/O)
The seventeenth sprint has done it.
STAN
Is that ok? Thank you. I have been
sick all morning but have tried to
soldier on.
STAN (V/O)
Such a trooper.
WEST
Yes you go home and look after
yourself. I can pick up your work,
not a problem.
STAN gives a knowing nod to PAUL and clears up his stuff.
HOUSHAM does not look impressed. As STAN leaves the office
he hears HOUSHAM shout.
HOUSHAM
Has anyone seen my pass?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 26.
STAN
You should always ensure that it is
around your neck. It is company
policy to always have it on show.
WEST
(with a wry smile on her face)
Yes, Stans right.
STAN exits.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
INT. PUB - LUNCH TIME
HURSTY and MATT are sitting down in a booth.
HURSTY is STANs friend. He is attractive, athletic looking
with longish blonde hair. He looks like a surfer.
MATT is STANs friend. He is gawky looking, and has awkward
mannerisms. He is very tall and wears glasses.
STAN enters
HURSTY
Here he is.
STAN tries to take his coat off but struggles with the zip,
he ends up having to step out of the coat.
MATT
Ive just given Hursty a load of
stick about his coat, if you can
call it that, and then you walk in
and do this.
STAN
In my defence, at least my coats
not covered in sequins.
HURSTY
Seems like it needs to come with a
manual though mate.
MATT
At least hes not wearing this.
MATT picks up a horrible waistcoat, it belongs to HURSTY.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.
STAN
My word, I forgot how bad that was.
MATT
Hursty has pictures of Joseph on
his wall.
HURSTY
Joseph?
MATT
And his technicoloured dream coat.
STAN
Nice gag that.
MATT
Yeh I was quite pleased.
HURSTY
Nothing wrong with this coat.
STAN
Youre right. Remind me, how is
Judas?
MATT
Nice.
HURSTY
Remind me, how is Emma?
STAN
(sarcastically)
Very good.
MATT
She upset mate?
STAN
Course shes upset.
MATT
Youre a bloody twat, you know
that?
STAN
Thanks for the pep talk mate.
HURSTY
Yeah come on Matt, lets be fair.
It is Stan after all; hes only
been with her eighteen months!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 28.
STAN
Matt you know her best, what do I
do? Whats damage control here?
HURSTY
Always thought Damage were a good
little band.
MATT
What? Theyre a terrible band.
HURSTY
Nah, wont have that from you. Do a
cracking cover of Wonderful
Tonight.
STAN
Need to focus lads. Come on Matt,
what do I do?
HURSTY
Why you asking Matt?
STAN
Because hes known her since he was
about eleven.
HURSTY
But youve slipped it in her.
STAN
Slipped it in her? Morses one
unsolved case is how you got a
woman.
HURSTY
Its cos I remember my ladys
birthday.
MATT
(abruptly)
Stan I think its game over.
HURSTY
(surprised)
Game over? Behave yourself. Its
only a fucking birthday.
MATT
Her thirtieth.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 29.
STAN
You really think its game over?
MATT
Its such a massive error, I dont
see how you can repair this?
HURSTY
Who are you his mum? Theyre saving
for a place together! Shes not
going to break up with him just
because of a forgotten birthday!
STAN
Has she said something to you? I
know youre always texting.
MATT
(reacts)
No were not. Why do you think we
text all the time?
HURSTY
Surprised you even know how to
text.
STAN
Shes always telling me you two
text each other.
(LONG PAUSE )
HURSTY sensing the awkward moment points to his empty pint
glass.
HURSTY
Any danger Stan?
STAN
Yeh in a minute.
MATT
(nervously)
Ok what about this? Take her for
dinner tonight; get down on your
knees...
HURSTY
Not sure a proposal is the right
plan.
MATT
Idiot. Get down on your knees and
beg for forgiveness. Say it isnt
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 30.
MATT (contd)
as bad as she thinks as youd
actually planned a surprise
birthday party for her this weekend
but that you thought, stupidly, her
birthday was tomorrow.
STAN
Thats not bad you know.
HURSTY
Its inspired. Its absolute Gold.
What a tune that is by the way.
MATT
What tune?
STAN
Why encourage him?
HURSTY
Gold. Big Tony and Steve Owen.
STAN
Steve Owen?
MATT
He means Steve Kemp.
STAN
Drifting off topic again boys.
HURSTY
You know what you need to do. Ring
her now, go get her a shit hot
present - nothing Star Trek based,
take her for a meal tonight. And
just explain everything and then
organise a ridiculous party
Saturday. Claire and I can help.
STAN
Keep Claire out of this, its her
best mate and you just know shell
grass me up.
HURSTY
You calling my fianc a grass?
STAN
Yes.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 31.
HURSTY
Fair play.
MATT
Ill help as well mate. Just let me
know what I can do.
STAN
Ok this sounds like a plan. Ill
book the Estuary for the party.
Matt youre arty, jump on Facebook
and make a collage of Emma and me.
Hursty can you invite everyone.
Second thoughts get Claire
involved. Get her to invite all of
Ems mates.
HURSTY
A collage! You been on word of the
day again?
STAN smiles.
MATT
So I have to find cute pictures of
you two?
HURSTY
Youre the one with the degree in
Art man.
MATT
I know but.
(BEAT)
Oh fuck it, alright Ill do it.
HURSTY
And yes Ill get Claire involved
and swear her to secrecy.
STAN
I need to go in a minute, Ive got
an interview and Ive got to get Em
a present.
MATT
What for?
STAN
Her birthday mate, weve literally
spent ten minutes talking about it!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 32.
MATT
No you twat, whats the interview
for?
HURSTY
Events organiser?
STAN
Idiot. Just IT mate.
MATT
Sounds bloody exciting that mate.
Text us to let us know how you get
on with Emma.
HURSTY
Just text Emma yourself mate!
MATT
(awkwardly)
How many more times! We barely
text!
STAN gets up to leave.
STAN
Cheers chaps. Ill let you know how
I get on.
STAN EXITS.
MATT
I didnt realise they were trying
to save for a place.
HURSTY
Yeh thats why hes been on the
lookout for a new job.
MATT
Whats a new job going to do?
HURSTY
You are so slow. What do you think
hes getting a job for? More money
for a deposit you idiot! Fill us
up.
MATT gets up to go and get some more drinks.
CUT TO:
33.
EXT. OUTSIDE PUB - AFTERNOON
STAN rings EMMA, it goes to voicemail:
STAN
Hey Ems, Im so sorry. Hope youve
got the flowers? Can I take you for
dinner tonight at Pizza Express at
six. I can explain all then. Please
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - AFTERNOON
STAN is seen sprinting into a swanky, modern building. STAN
is holding a Primark bag and a Clintons Cards bag with a
balloon poking out. STAN is on his phone as he runs. STAN is
out of breath.
STAN
So that is definitely booked for 7
on Saturday?
( BEAT)
Great, thanks. Yes Ill be
supplying all the balloons and
decorations.
STAN gets a voicemail from EMMA
Got your voicemail. Ok. You better
have a good excuse. It will take
more than just flowers even though
they were nice! Ill see you later.
STAN enters the building and looks around panicked. He goes
towards the reception desk but theres a big queue. Stan
looks around some more and sees a sign for Interviews.
Stan runs up the stairs towards the interview room. He sees
a big plant in a pot and decides to stash his balloon, and
bags in the pot.
STAN (V/O)
You can do this.
STAN enters the Interview Room.
A rugged looking man sits behind a desk. As Stan walks in
the man gets up from behind the desk.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 34.
INTERVIEWER
Are you here for the interview?
STAN
Yes! So sorry Im late. Not the
best start!
INTERVIEWER
Thats fine. Dont worry. I have
your CV here. Are we ok to begin?
STAN
Yes, thats fine.
INTERVIEWER
I must say, you have a very
impressive CV, I can see youve got
lots of experience.
STAN (V/O)
Bye bye Housham!
STAN
Thanks!
INTERVIEWER
So what attracted you to this job
and what makes you think youd be
good at it?
STAN (V/O)
I wouldnt be.
STAN
I guess that I feel my experience
in IT, and computer systems, would
be very beneficial to the company.
I am a real team player and
consistently coming up with good
ideas as to how to streamline
processes and IT systems.
STAN (V/O)
Streamline. That was unbelievable.
INTERVIEWER
Thats excellent that you have such
detailed computing knowledge,
youre right it would be very
beneficial.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 35.
STAN (V/O)
He loves me. Hello house deposit!
INTERVIEWER
Youve told me that youre a real
team player. Have you got any
examples?
STAN (V/O)
Just lie.
STAN
Yes, sure.
STAN panicking a little
(BEAT)
Probably the best example I have of
that is the foundation my work
colleagues and I created.
STAN (V/O)
What have you just done?
INTERVIEWER
Foundation? That sounds
fascinating. Please go on...
STAN (V/O)
Oh dear God. Foundation? What the
hell have you just said?
STAN begins to sweat and panic. He looks around the room for
inspiration where he sees a headline on a newspaper over the
desk that reads "Seal washed up on the Thames."
STAN
So the foundation takes in wild
seals that have been injured by oil
tanker spillages.
INTERVIEWER
Wild seals?
STAN
Yes. We are a team of 4 who rely on
donations from Joe Public to help
us keep the foundation going.
STAN (V/O)
Joe Public? Unreal!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 36.
STAN
So to get back to the original
question - we have to work closely
together to first raise funds,
second, take the injured seals to
our shelter and third, work with
other organisations to help them
get back into the wild.
STAN (V/O)
That was, without doubt, the single
greatest thing youve ever done.
Take a bow.
INTERVIEWER
Fascinating. Moving on, how do you
think your experience makes you the
right fit for this role?
STAN
Well Ive got broad experience of
Flash, HTML and designing web
pages...
INTERVIEWER
Sorry, I shouldve been clearer.
Experience that is specific to this
role. Go ahead.
STAN (V/O)
Shit. Dont be too technical. Keep
it broad.
STAN
I guess over the years Ive built
up some wide skills -the ability to
analyse different products and
their strengths and weaknesses.
Speaking more technically I am also
very strong with Flash.
INTERVIEWER
Ah that is interesting. So Dettol
vs Flash for example, what would
you say is the stronger product?
STAN (V/O)
Dettol vs Flash? Shit! Whats
Dettol programming?
(LONG PAUSE )
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 37.
STAN
Id probably say Flash. On balance
I think it is easier to use, more
widely known - so it is very
dependable, and just generally more
resilient.
STAN (V/O)
I am the man.
INTERVIEWER
Im inclined to agree that Flash is
the superior product. If you got
the job here, how do you imagine
youll progress? Does management
interest you for example?
STAN (V/O)
If I got the job? Hes still on the
fence. Massive answer required
here.
STAN
I am very ambitious by nature.
STAN V/O
Liar.
STAN
So management is something that
definitely appeals. Whilst I
certainly feel I could manage a big
team, I would hope that the process
and systems improvements that I
wouldve introduced would mean that
there would no longer be the need
for such a big team.
STAN (V/O)
What an incredible performance this
is.
INTERVIEWER
Very interesting. Its not
immediately clear to me how you
could do this job without an army
of people, but Im very intrigued
by your ideas. Excellent. So I can
see from your CV that you speak
fluent German. Obviously a key part
of this job is how you interact
with people. We have a couple of
Germans on our staff.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 38.
STAN (V/O)
German?
INTERVIEWER
Eine groe Anzahl von Ihren
Aufgaben wird es sein, ein Team im
Ausland zu verwalten. Bist du in
Ordnung mit diesem?
STAN (V/O)
Whats happening?
STAN
Sorry could you just repeat that
please?
INTERVIEWER
Sure. Eine groe Anzahl von Ihren
Aufgaben wird es sein, ein Team im
Ausland zu verwalten. Bist du in
Ordnung mit diesem?
STAN (V/O)
This is bad. This is so bad. Come
on man. Dig out your GCSE Oral.
Youve got this.
STAN
Ich wassesportmoglichkeiten ins
London ja.
STAN (V/O)
Well done Stan. Well done.
(LONG PAUSE )
INTERVIEWER
Youve just told me there are
watersports opportunities in
London.
STAN
Yes, yes I did.
(BEAT)
I thought Id show off some of my
German vocabularly. I believe
wassesportmoglichkeiten is the
longest word in the German
dictionary.
STAN (V/O)
Bullet dodged.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 39.
INTERVIEWER
(bemused)
Ok.
(BEAT)
Moving on, have you got your own
mop?
STAN (V/O)
Have I got my own mop?
STAN
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
Obviously we provide you with the
relevant cleaning materials but we
know some cleaners prefer to work
with their own mops.
STAN
Cleaners?
INTERVIEWER
Something wrong?
STAN
Sorry you said have I got my own
mop?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Sorry is everything ok?
STAN
Yes sorry, I am just wondering why
a Flash developer would need a mop?
INTERVIEWER
This is the cleaning job. Not the
flash developer role. You are Tomaz
Breme arent you?
STAN
No. Im Stan Bennett.
INTERVIEWER
Oh dear. I think youre at the
wrong interview.
STAN
Well wheres my interview?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 40.
INTERVIEWER
The IT job interviews are up on
Floor two.
BUIDLING ALARM
MAN ON TANNOY
There has been a suspicious package
found on the First floor. Please
calmly and sensibly evacuate the
building.
STAN (V/O)
Oh come on.
INTERVIEWER quickly ushers Stan out of the room.
STAN
What about the Flash job?
INTERVIEWER
Come on we need to get going.
STAN and the INTERVIEWER pass a team of bomb disposal
experts adjacent to the pot plant. STAN goes to tell them
that the packages are his but is pulled away from the area
by THE INTERVIEWER.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE - SKYSCRAPER - LATE AFTERNOON
STAN rings EMMA:
STAN
Hey Ems, interview was a disaster.
It was going so well but I messed
it up. Im so sorry, I really
tried. Im just leaving now so will
see you at 6 at Pizza Express. Ive
just got to grab something but will
be there by 6 I promise. Looking
forward to seeing you, and making
it up to you.
CUT TO:
41.
EXT. TRAIN PLATFORM - EARLY EVENING.
STAN has another Primark bag in his hands and has an even
bigger balloon. Train arrives, Stan tries to find a two
seater.
STAN (V/O)
Come on two seater. STAN spots a
two seater and with a sigh of
relief sits down.
CUT TO:
INT. TRAIN - EARLY EVENING.
STAN is holding the paper in full view, we cannot see past
it.
HOUSHAM
Hi Stanley, do you mind if I join
you? STAN folds his paper in the
air, revealing HOUSHAM.
STAN (V/O)
Shit!
HOUSHAM
(looks towards the balloon
with a raised eyebrow)
Feeling better I presume?
STAN (V/O)
I hate Housham so much. Hes that
guy who always asks questions when
someone says Any Questions.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK
INT. OFFICE MEETING ROOM - DAY
HOUSHAM is sitting with his arms raised desperate to be
asked.
STAN (V/O)
Hes a fire monitor...
CUT TO:
42.
DREAM SEQUENCE
INT. OFFICE - DAY
HOUSHAM dressed in full fire outfit, socks pulled up.
STAN (V/O)
He thrives on peoples misery.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK
INT. OFFICE - DAY
JOHN is pleading on his knees with tears rolling down his
cheeks. He is gesturing photos of his dog towards HOUSHAM
who is laughing.
STAN (V/O)
He enjoys one to ones and
performance appraisals. He suggests
crap ideas.
CUT TO:
DREAM SEQUENCE
INT. OFFICE MEETING ROOM - DAY
HOUSHAM holds up an A3 piece of paper which says Lets
promote this man. There is a giant image of HOUSHAM on the
paper.
STAN (V/O)
He scoffs at good ideas made by
others. He has never been abroad,
and hes a fire monitor.
CUT TO:
DREAM SEQUENCE
43.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
HOUSHAM dressed in less fire monitor outfit than before.
STAN (V/O)
He has a personalised screensaver.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK
INT. - OFFICE DESK - DAY
HOUSHAM is sitting at his computer, with a screensaver of
HOUSHAM as a Jedi carrying a blue lightsabre.
STAN (V/O)
He loves documentation. He loves
the word documentation. He likes
Kenny Rogers love songs. He doesnt
like Jay Zed. He hasnt heard of
Jay Zed.
STAN mispronounces Jay Z and calls him Jay Zed.
CUT TO:
DREAM SEQUENCE
INT. HOUSHAMS BED - DAY
HOUSHAM and the back of a woman are sleeping listening to a
Jay Z song. HOUSHAM has big headphones on and is moving and
grooving in bed.
STAN (V/O)
He is a one company man, he likes
secret Santa. He is offensive to
women.
CUT TO:
DREAM SEQUENCE
44.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
HOUSHAM is staring WEST up and down as she is bent over
refilling the paper tray. He is slowly removing tissues from
his pocket, eyes fixed.
STAN (V/O)
He doesnt have a lunch break, he
has cleaning wipes for his desk. He
carries his holiday over. He is a
fire monitor.
CUT TO:
DREAM SEQUENCE
INT. OFFICE - DAY
HOUSHAM is completely naked other than a fire helmet
covering his genitals.
END DREAM SEQUENCE.
CUT TO:
INT. TRAIN - EVENING
HOUSHAM
Er..Stanley?
STAN
Oh Yeah, no Im still not feeling
well.
STAN (V/O)
I need to get off of this train.
HOUSHAM
If you left at midday to go home,
why are you on the evening train
home? And why have you got a
balloon?
STAN looks around, panicked.
STAN
(gets up)
Sorry Ive got to go.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 45.
STAN quickly shoots up and brushes past HOUSHAM and gets off
the train just as it is about to depart.
STAN (V/O)
Shit, shit.
STAN takes out his phone and dials EMMA.
STAN
Pick up, pick up.
It goes to Voicemail.
Em, its me. I am going to be about
thirty minutes late. Please, please
wait for me. Please.
CUT TO:
INT. PIZZA EXPRESS - EVENING
EMMA is sitting alone, looking sad and embarrassed, as she
looks around the busy restaurant.
WAITER
Would you like anything whilst you
wait?
EMMA
No I am ok thanks. What time is it?
WAITER
Six Thirty dear.
EMMA
(disappointed)
Ok, thanks.
BING BING
EMMA get a text message.
EMMA opens the text, it is from MATT.
MATT Text message:
"Did Stan make it up to you? I
really need to talk to you. When
youre free can we grab a coffee?
xxx"
BING BING
STANs voicemail comes through.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 46.
EMMA listens to it, starts to cry.
CUT TO:
EXT - STREET - EVENING
STAN running.
CUT TO:
INT. PIZZA EXPRESS - EVENING
STAN out of breath, talking to the WAITER.
STAN
Hi, Ive booked a table. Under the
name of Bennett. Table for two.
WAITER
I am afraid the lady has left.
STAN drops to the floor in pain and starts shouting.
STAN
Cramp. Cramp.
STAN starts screaming in pain prompting the people at the
restaurant to look round at the commotion.
WAITER
Quick get this man a chair.
Another waiter passes THE WAITER a chair. THE WAITER hoists
STAN onto the chair but STAN is still writhing in pain. THE
WAITER, concerned at all the noise, lifts STAN through the
restaurant. Whilst STAN is on the chair STAN passes someone
in the restaurant who turns out to be THE INTERVIEWER.
THE INTERVIEWER
Not your day is it son?
THE WAITER carries STAN through the restaurant and places
him out back in the kitchen. STAN gets out his phone and on
to his Rules of Life Twitter account and types
SUPERIMPOSE: WHATEVER YOU DO, DONT FORGET YOUR GIRLFRIENDS
BIRTHDAY.
FADE OUT.
47.
THE END.