HellW Georgia

To
Ranking fast
food careers
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ith does it matter?

Can you even read?

Friday, November 17, 2017 vol. 103, No. 15 | atheNs, GeorGia | Nique.Net

Uga collusion
with Russians
SNIFFMOUR BUTTS

Explosive news today with the is reported by the Ugga organiza-

revelations that Uga X, the current tion to be an outer-orbit member of
dog-based mascot of our universi- the Uga circle, and never was given
ty, had been in communication with authority by Uga to act in official ca-
Kremlin huskies throughout most of pacity. If it can be proved by Ugas
the football preseason. lawyers that Bone and Slobber K.
Ugas people had paid good Paws another accused individu-
amounts of money and several pre- al can somehow prove that they
mium dog biscuits in order to in were working entirely of their own
one instance have husky agents accords, then Uga should be in the
stationed in the southern U.S. pee clear. However, the investigation
on rival colleges football fields may uncover contrary evidence.
prior to practices. The dirty trick And in the case that it does, Uga will
would, according to reports from most definitely be in the doghouse,
those affected schools, result in the along with any that tried to cover up
tainted players having to take week- what we may find was a major con-
long showers and miss big games spiracy.
against uGA. The uGA Canine Code of Con-
The tactic was only one of many duct states that, any who are found
employed by the group, which is to be in collaboration with a foreign
clearly made up of some really de- entity in order to facilitate an un-
vious operators. The main issue at due advantage over an adversary
hand now to pay attention to is an college or similarly-operating or-
investigation that is being conduct- ganization in a contest of the sport
ed into whether Uga himself was known in most of American regions
directing or aware the collaboration as football will be punished by be-
with the Russian canines. If he was, ing forced to sit through 100 hours
there could be some serious conse- in total of presentations given by
quences for his tenure as big dog on uGA students studying in the field
campus. of sewage scrubbing. The harsh
The situation, in reality, howev- punishment, which has driven some
er, may not be quite as damning for of its past recipients into the pits of
Uga as the allegations against his insanity, would likely be difficult to
associates may suggest. Beefy J. handle for Uga, as he is known to
Bone, one of the directly accused, have quite an unsteady stomach.

uga adds copypasta to culinary curriculum

Im Cappy Pasto, and this is he could use the pasta to influ- To be fair, you have to have copypasta tattoo. And no, you can-
BUZZED LIGHTBEER my classroom, Pasto said, I teach ence his grades. The only thing he a very high IQ to understand not see it. Its for the students eyes
TOP NPR CONSUMER here with my students and my was afraid of was failing the class, copypasta, Pasto said, The cook- only and even then they have to
Starting in the spring of 2018, teaching assistant, Chef Boyardee. which eventually, of course, he ing is extremely subtle, and with- demonstrate theyre within 5 IQ
uGA will be adding a new class to Every assignment in here has a did. out a solid grasp of theoretical culi- points of my own (preferably lower)
its degrees in the College of Fam- story and a grade. One thing Ive Pasto was not surprised by the nary skills most of my material will beforehand.
ily and Consumer Sciences. The learned after 21 years you never allegations of his class being diffi- go over a typical students head. The school and students look
class, FDNS 42069, is a semester know WHAT Im going to assign. cult. And yes, by the way, I DO have a forward to the arrival of this course.
long look into one of the newest Students are already chomping
nutritional and culinary fields: at the bit to register for the class.
copypasta. good shit goOd
The intent is to provide stu- sHit thats some good
dents with a sense of pride and ac- shit right there
complishment for unlocking their right there if i do say so myself
degree, said Dean Amos, head i say so thats what
of culinary classes. Among other im talking about right there right
things, were looking at average there mMMMMMM
per-student education rates, and HO0OOOOOOOOOOOOO
well be making constant adjust- Good shit,
ments to ensure that students have said one student, obviously excited
challenges that are compelling, re- about the class.
warding, and of course attainable Other students are worried
via class. about the difficulty of the class,
The class will be led by former Did you ever hear the trag-
navy seal, pawn shop owner and edy of Hairy Dwag the student? a
Rick and Morty enthusiast, Cap- student asked, I thought not. Its
py Pasto. Pasto has taught similar not a story the university would
courses in the past at prestigious tell you. Its a Dawg legend. Hairy
institutions such as the University Dwag was a student of Cappy Pas-
of Phoenix and Full Sail University. to, so knowledgeable and so dank

I am trained in
gorilla warfare
Gnus
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BRIGHTON KAMEN
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

For the hundred-somethingth

reotypes we agree are not as true
as they once were (Georgia stu-
dents arent necessarily drunken
rednecks nor are Tech students
Grease suing our great city
GRAND POOBAH haha one thing I actually really right around now, we wouldnt even
time, we are excited to present necessarily nerdy introverts), its GRANDEST POOBAH like to do is to get out my crisco jar, be able to get into the government
the annual To Hell With Geor- not about the stereotypes. and then spoon me a nice big dollop buildings to try an stop em.
gia Issue. Contained in these Yes, the jokes contained Hello my people. It is me, your of that good good right on top of my Anyway, just wanted to write
pages you will find all manner herein maintain the sordid tra- dear leader the president of this pizza when it comes fresh out of the yall because I know youre all prob-
of outlandish, (hopefully) enter- dition of low blows in the form great, great campus. I would just microwave. Mmmmm. ably wanting to know my thoughts
taining and completely false ma- of incest-, alcohol- and stupidity- like to let everyone out there know But Im just so worried that on all of this. If it turns out that we
terial we aspire to think up for related material. Is it fair to con- that we are in the midst of what has thats not gonna be able to happen do all become greasy people too,
every THWuGA edition. tinue to perpetuate these false possibly the potential to just be the for me again. These greasy people well, hey, maybe that wouldnt be
Beginning as a modest four- stereotypes? Not necessarily. biggest and most greatest fight of really sound intimidating. And Im the worst thing in the world. May-
page paper, published on No- But, the most important as- our entire lives. The city of Athens just really anxious, because, you be they have some kind o technol-
vember 17th, 1911, the first issue pect of this annual issue is the is suing us! know, Ive been chatting with the ogy gizmo that helps you eat grease
of the Technique focused primar- tradition: the traditions we re- Wait what? Are you reading this mayor about this he tells me that faster. I would really love that.
ily on the then-upcoming foot- peat year after year, the tradi- right? The answer is yes. I know, I ever since he gave the key to the city
ball game with Georgia. Its from tions that hold campus together, was not understanding mostly ei- to one o them uggas a while back, Your President,
this moment the Souths Liveli- such as our own annual take on ther when I first heard. But there is it hasnt been seen nowhere! So if Marlo Stanfield
est College Newspaper, began. u[sic]GAs the Red and Black. actually apparently a copycat Ath- them greasy boys came through
As a tip of the hat to this So, as you flip through these ens out there! Can you believe that?
modest start, the staff of the pages, remember the Good Its in this weird place called grease.
Technique produced an issue Word (To hell with georgia!), Grease, ha! What kind of a silly ass
dedicated to mocking Georgias and what brings Tech students name is that anyway? Thats for
newspaper, The Red and Black. together: Clean, Old-Fashioned talking about good food, not people.
Though this issue relies on ste- Hate of our rivals up the road. But back to the point. They are say-
ing to us that they actually own our
city and everything in it because
What the bork did you just borking say about me, you little bitch? Ill have they were called Athens before us.
you know I graduated top of my class in Turfgrass Management, and Ive Now, I just gotta be the first to
been involved in numerous secret raids on Allgood Lounge, and I have over say what I know everyone is think-
300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and Im the top sniper in ing. Does this mean we wont have
the entire US farmed arses. You are nothing to me but just another target. I the frat houses anymore? Defi-
will wipe you the bork out with precision the likes of which has never been nitely the first thing I was worried
seen before on this Earth, mark my borking words. You think you can get about. But after thinking on it some
away with saying that poopy to me over the Internet? Think again, borker. more while soaking in my cold tub,
As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and it came to me that there probably
your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm,
will be some other issues too. Like
maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life.
this whole idea that if these greasy-
Youre borking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in
people own our city, theyre prob-
over seven hundred ways, and thats just with my bare hands. Not only am I
ably gonna ruin our pizza recipes by
extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire
taking away all the grease to hoard
arsenal of the Untied States Moron Corpse and I will use it to its full extent
to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only themselves!
you could have known what unholy retribution your little clever comment And ya know, personally, grease
was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your is top three all-time favorite foods
borking tongue. But you couldnt, you didnt, and now youre paying the for me. And I just really love it so
price, you goddamn idiot. I will shart fury all over you and you will drown in much when the grease just is like a
it. Youre borking dead, kiddo. waterfall off the edge of my slice of
microwaved frozen pizza. I actually,

sLuvr
r thoughts realli throughts?

Natty lite, an ode to thee:

Natty Lite, shall I compare thee to a summer ale?
Thou art more smooth and drinkable.
Rough notes of hoppiness do shake the summer ale.
And ale hath no cool refreshing taste.
Sometime too hot the can of ale doth get.
And often is his taste dimmed
And every can must come to an end,
By chance, or natures course, untrimmed.
But thy eternal glory shall not fail,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owst
Nor shall death brag thou wandrest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to Time thou growst. vote 2day in the liberry
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.
I like the tomato scrotum
Im looking for professionalism in my penis pictures

VOTE!
nothing like a family meal, eating out with your sister
confession time, Uga X looks hella sexy
uga might not be a football school, or a basketball school, or a school,
but damn, we know how to hold our booze unlike them tech nerds
Now a red solo cup is the best receptacle For barbecues tailgates fairs

VS.
and festivals And you sir do not have a pair of testicles If you prefer
drinking from glass
People delude themselves into thinking that modern society will
somehow change the nature of man. Mans self-serving nature is
something that must be worked with, not against.
i murdered kids
just kidding
That Moment When Your Wearing A Dress With No Pants And You
Swerve Too Hard
Shia Lebeouf Is Life
Yeah Your Girl is Bad But She Doesnt Smile
Truck nuts are the great invention of our generation
why did you leave us the tabaccy chew of kings
Your lucky numbers are: 69 420 61 97 6
// GNUS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 3

Everyone is a sophomore MEGABLOKS to

COLLIE G. WILLIKERS
of money. Clearly these claims
have been made up by the fake
sponsor makerspace
WHATS THIS You know they just news media in order to devalue blocks were donated by the com-
this great institution. Our degrees BOB pany itself, delivered in round
According to a new report re- give these things are worth at least $50, especially if BUILDER plastic tubs familiar to any per-
leased by the Office of Education out, right? you get them custom printed with sons childhood along with the
[sic], the vast majority of students your name. Major costs extra, Last year, Canadian toy com- added bonus of powdery basement
[sic] only have enough credit hours BEN EFFETS though. Usually people are fine pany Mega Bloks and the uni- dust, a misplaced Barbie shoe, and
to qualify themselves as sopho- FOOTBALL MAJOR with Turf Management, so we just versity of Georgia college of En- a sticky green apple Jolly Rancher
mores. Most undergraduates have go with that. gineering announced a project from Halloween two years ago.
between 30 and 32 credit hours, Diploma-themed toilet paper to revitalize the Science Library The blocks are designed for
no matter how many years they is now available in the campus Makerspace with Mega Bloks ages 4-12 but come in different
have been here. Ok, good. Uh, once thats done, spirit shop. Each sheet is a legally footing the entire cost of the shapes which allow for a wide
When asked about why their weve got some tests we have to verified diploma which guarantees $50,000 endeavor. Construction range of complex builds.
credit hours are so low, students pass. Did you know a credit hour your graduation from the univer- broke ground earlier this year and The new facility symbolizes a
responded with a variety of ex- means youre supposed to study sity [sic] of Georgia. the finishing touches were com- new direction for the College of
planations. Inn Cest, a fifth-year like, 3 hours per credit hour in a pleted on November 2. Engineering. Faculty and school
tractor mechanics and driving week? That means I gotta spend Speaking to a small but excited administrators hope to see the
major, had the following to say: like at least 4 or 5 hours on a 3 crowd of engineering students and makerspace attract future Bull-
You know, we just. Were re- hour class. I cant fit that into my faculty, university president Mere dogs interested in a liberal arts
ally busy here. At this school with schedule between all the football Moredick expressed his thanks: engineering program.
the football, and the drinking. and drinking. Plus, I got a nice We are very thankful for the gen- Senior interior design student
He paused at this point to take a little lady friend on the side who erous support from LEGO[sic]. Justin Brandt was the first mak-
drink from his hip flask. treats me real sweet-like. Speakin Now we can proudly say we have er to utilize the innovative design
of, I gotta get home soon. Our not just two but three! 3D space. Proudly displaying what
Mommas cookin us supper and I printers on the whole campus! looked like two pink and yellow
cant miss that again. The 420-square foot facility in blocks stacked on top of each oth-
You know, we just. Ben Effets, a member of one the Boyd Building, while seem- er, Brandt explained his creation:
of the schools [sic] athletic pro- ingly small, houses vinyl cutters, This is Neushwaffenstein Castle,
Were really busy here. grams, had this to say on how they CNCs, CNNs, NSYNCs and a you know, the one in Denmark.
manage to graduate with so few ping-pong table. However, stu-
INN CEST credit hours: You know they just dents have noted that the most
FIFTH-YEAR TMECH give these things out, right? The important feature of the maker-
diplomas? Im pretty sure I saw a space is the Mega Design Ideas
guy at the last football game sell- Korner (Mega D.I.K.) a space
ing them for like $20 a pop. You dedicated to the ideation process
When asked what he was just get them signed later. Nobody crucial to engineering.
drinking, he responded: Gods checks them, anyways. Visitors to the corner have ac-
gift to man: Natural Light. So When confronted about this cess to 3,405 or so beginner-level
anyways, once the football is done accusation, the President stated Photo by Ivana Tinkle Mega Bloks with which they can
and weve done the drinking part that these accusations are to- Cest enjoying Natty Lite after model their prototypes for per-
did I mention the drinking? tally frivolous, counting a stack pouring one out for his Dwags sonal and academic projects. The

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4 November 17, 2017 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // GNUS

Gingers MONUMENTS
Papyrus
curved arm
and hand is a
DIRECT match
sive and harmonious society in inquired about why the to the curved
Greek life, showing other u[sic] STONEWALL LEE statues were not instead arm and hand
JESSICALYNN WALLACE Ga sororities how to get it right SON OF THE SOUTH being kept in a museum, the of the star
HEAD OF THE A-NUSES when it comes to diversity and administration seemed so men. In short,
inclusivity. In the most recent move- confused and distressed by we have some
The Alpha Nu sorority broke Being blonde doesnt nec- ment from those darn mil- the strange term museum strong proof
new ground for underrepresented essarily define what it means to lennials, the monuments that the reporter simply that the
minorities at uGa by initiating the be an A-Nu, said Emma Quell, commemorating the great let it go. earthbound
minority members for their Fall carefully. As long as you are Confederate States of Some sensitive groups universe is
2017 class. Beysica and OHolly pretty and can bake an excellent America are being system- have been upset over u[sic] somehow con
are the first non-blonde sisters of cake, you are good enough to be atically removed from the GAs embrace of their nected to the
any sorority on uGa campus. a sister by my book! honorable locations that southern history. One undertale
Newly initiated Erica Beysica, Beysica and OHolly were have hosted them in mem- group even attempted to world, which
a brunette, and Scarlett OHolly , able to enter Alpha Nu through ory of the best country to come onto the campus brings us back
a ginger, smiled and waved along Alpha Nus new recruitment cam- have ever lived. and protest, but a val- to our initial
with their new sisters in their Pink paign, Every Token Counts, Luckily, u[sic]GA has de- iant group of fraternity question, WHO IS
Initiation Party. that scoured the new class of cided to save these beauti- brothers chased them off SANS? Well, what
Their presence transforms Al- uGgGGGAa girls for potential ini- ful statues from certain campus with shotguns, if we took in
pha Nu from a sorority that was tiates. doom through the cre- shouting SNOWFLAKES. one final step
already a beautiful banana-on- Weve started off with a ation of a statue garden Many questions have and said that
vanilla ice cream bowl into a full bang, said Jenny Kay, Alpha in the center of campus. arisen about the statues sans happened
sundae with a chocolate sprinkle Nus recruitment chair. Weve It was created in order on campus. Social media to be ness from
and slice of strawberry placed on recruited not just one but two to class up campus, and is abuzz with questions earthbound. He
top. minority sisters in the first year of remind our students of about who these mysteri- hopped through
This new generation of A- our Token program! their heritage, according ous men carved into white the phase dis
Nuses is bigger, broader and more The Every Token Counts pro- to the u[sic]GA Director of stone are. History profes- torted as a
diverse than any uGa sorority be- gram is scheduled to take in two Diversity Rockwall Jack- sors have been forced to test of cour
fore, Lattie Flats, a third year new students every four years, dad. put up a sign outside the age, carry
Color-inside-the-Lines major who to make sure we stay as diverse The garden will fea- statue garden explaining ing his frank
serves as President for Alpha Nu. as ever, Flats explained. ture convenient places the War of Northern Ag- lin badge, a
Every year, Flats draws a new When asked why she wanted for students to stroll gression. photobook,
poster containing all of the Alpha to become an A-Nu, Beysica around and admire the The photographer for and his trusty
Nus newly initiated girls, which said that A-Nuses are just so ancient artwork, chat the Red and Black, while backpack.
features Beysica and OHolly awesome and pretty and preco- with friends, study and visiting the garden to Not only do all
front and center this year. cious. reminisce about the Con- take photos, encountered the items in
I have to admit, it was a bit Members of other sororities federacy. a student who was stand- the workshop
difficult finding the correct cray- were curious and confused by I really just dont un- ing completely still in suddenly fit,
on colors to do the poster this the news. derstand why everyone front of said sign. but so does
year our new members are just I honestly didnt know that wants to get rid of these, What does this say? in- sans behavior.
so exotic! Flats said. When I uGa had gingers, said Eve Ben- said Davis Jefferson, the quired the young woman. Remember, sans
looked through my crayon boxes, nings, a sophomore Culinary ma- curator of the confeder- I cant read. can seemingly
I was surprised to see I had fifty jor who is a ranking member of acy garden. Theyre beau- u[sic]GA is also cam- teleport. And
shades of gray, and even fifty Sigma Theta. Dont they all live tiful statues. It was just a paigning to get the motto ness just hap
shades darker, but not a single in Africa, or something? war. Get over it. of the town of Athens pens to have
brown one. Oooh! I have a redhead The administration at changed. the ability
My sisters and I had to make friend! said Rena Grenwald, a u[sic]GA is excited about To clarify, the War PSI teleport.
an emergency trip to Michaels to Tau Pi sister. Ill be sure to tell the addition to campus. of Northern Aggression Now look at
purchase the right color, Flats her ALL about it, shell LOVE the They expressed their inter- was not about slavery, it how sans stands,
explained. news. Now that I think about it, est in keeping the history was about states rights, hands in his
The all-new, super diverse Al- I bet she knows OHottie or what- alive and well in the Ath- said Jefferson in his press pockets, legs
pha Nu is leading the charge on ever her name is already, since ens community. When the release about the new out, it looks
campus to create a more inclu- theyre both gingers. Right? Red and Black reporter garden. very similar to
// GNUS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 5
10 wins or those GODDAMN handler. how ness is shown
JACK-ITS doing you know what Look on the bright side, he on most of the
to our you know who. said. At least the college [sic] of marketing for
Detectives were shocked that Engineering wont suffer from the game. It
the perpetrators discovered the this event, since, you know, they even explains
stock, since it was located in a werent accredited in the first why sans bleeds
small broom closet in the engi- place. when you hit
neering department, with the Uga died shortly after from the him. He is,
door labeled EMERGENCI scraps of paper blocking his tiny, or at least,
SOOPLIES DO NOT OPEN ;). fat-clogged windpipe. May he rest WAS, a human.
Police are looking for the in peace. Oh and fi
criminal mastermind who broke nally, sans is
into this secure facility, which FRAT PARTY ENDS EARLY only one letter
had state-of-the-art security mea- On Sunday, Nov. 12 at 12:15 removed from
sures such as a single padlock and a.m., the Tri-Kap fraternity at being an ana
a copy of the oath from the Ma- u[sic]Ga was charged by cam- gram of ness.
rauders Map. pus police with ending their Thats just a
If anyone has recovered any party early. fun one. I
supplies, please contact campus The party was scheduled to go thought it was
police with the standard three- from 11:00 p.m. till the sun came worth mention
bark emergency signal. up, but the party ended due to a ing. But if
Contents of the stash included shortage of alcohol. there was any
a single box of Natty Lite and THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! doubt, we have
several tear-stained pictures of students chanted in response to to look no
Mark Richt. the lack of Natty Lite and Crown further than
Russe Vodka. the creators
UGA EATS ACCREDITATION We are working hard to deter- previous work.
Graduation was brought to a mine what led to this unfortunate Toby Fox, the
suspect kept attacking the team, halt this past semester when it was event, a police spokesperson said, man behind
ROLF adding insult to injury. discovered that the universitys We take allegations of ending undertale,
SON OF A SHEPHERD The suspects current location [sic] accreditation was missing. parties early very seriously. had previ
is unknown, though sources say After a brief search, officials found If charged, the Tri-Kap frater- ously worked
HE CANT KEEP GETTING AWAY he has been spotted in a rural city scraps of the official documents nity could lose their tractor licens- on a hallow
On Nov. 11, 2017, a suspect in Alabama. There is some specu- around Sanford. They followed es and be forced to actually attend een hack for
dressed in orange and navy cloth- lation that the suspect may travel this paper trail to the location of classes. Furthermore, this being earthbound.
ing, wearing a visor and a pair to Atlanta to confront the play- Ugas doghouse, where they dis- the third offense this year for Tri- But this isnt
of glasses mugged the travelling ers again, which we would really covered a feast of papers being Kap, the fraternity will face the just a simple
university [sic] of Georgia football rather did not happen thank you. consumed by the live mascot. three strikes and youre out rule. reskin. The
team and made off with the teams I just cant believe Uga could We dont know what hap- halloween hack
most valuable possession: their EMERGENCY ALERT do something like this. No, pened, said Jack Mehoff, Tri-Kap tells the tale
undefeated season. Over the weekend, university his stubby legs and inability to President, I thought a six pack of of dr. an
The confrontation lasted over [sic] police discovered that the breathe unassisted should have natty and a handle of Russe would donuts after
three hours, which was frankly stock of emergency supplies the killed him while he was trying to be enough? the events of
unnecessary, since the team was school [sic] keeps on hand in the get to the papers. I am genuinely Police are asking for anyone earthbound.
completely incapacitated after the event of a nationwide cataclysm, amazed that he isnt dead already, who attended the party to report Remember i
first 30 minutes. Despite this, the like having a football season under frankly, said Lee Shed, Ugas to the station to give statements. pointed him

STUDENT DIVERSITY AMBASSADOR

The vision of The GT Diversity Ambassadors is to connect all
people in order to cultivate an inclusive community that
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OrgSync application due Jan.26,2018 https://goo.gl/k1ZMgH
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Onions
ONIONS EDITOR: spicy boy THWgawga

Its ya boi.
Skinny Penis Friday,
November 17, 2017
6

OUR VIEWS | Consensus Opinion

You cant explain that your views

100 percent of our ed board agrees Dear editar,

A rumour that has continuously been that climate change is real and caused by I am so sad by why you are hurt-
ing our student athletes. Like, such as,
making rounds on so-called news chan- human activity, but as an editorial board there are many students who are play-
nels and publications is what is now for the college newspaper, we need to ask ing football. Some play in the. Campus
termed as climate change. Or global the hard questions. Ninety-eight percent green. I always used to play football
but then I hurt my nee.
warming or whatever theyre calling it of the time, climate scientists are wrong
today. every time. You cannot play football with know
However, scientists keep this data that What about the other five percent? nee. I have a nee but so i dont know
why i said that. There are so many
they keep putting out. They call them What do they think? people who hurt. I have many things
facts that they get from research. Why doesnt anyone call them and in common with our football play-
ers. People say they dont know math
Furthermore, they flaunt this data ask? but i know counting. One. two. three .
with little regard for peoples personal However, there are many who con- something after that! There are so many
beliefs, and allow little room for discus- tinue to believe that the earths climate is number and i will learn some!!
sion in the matter. cyclical and changes naturally over time. Also I want to know, why people ac-
Moreover, this intolerance is common Moreover, this isnt the question we cus our players of getting into crime.
in the field and hasnt helped them win need to ask. Climate scientists may some- We are one of the best team. Sometimes
I like watvhinh us run. Chubb runs so
over any hearts. times make tons of money in legitimiz- fast. Other people run fast too. But
However we have not seen proven ing man-made warming of the planet. nobody runs like Chubb! He is chubby
hahahaha.
proof that human beings are causing a Furthermore, it is fair, then, therefore,
change in the weather. to pose the question of who is funding Other player I like is Blazovetch.
However, we all know that a con- these individuals who continue to per- Blaizeivitz is one of my favorite play-
ers because he runs down field very
sensus on the science has not been form and publish their research, even as fast. Not as fest as Chub but Bleizivitch
reached yet. the EPA, our modern-day propaganda is very good! Very. Good!
Ninety-five percent of scientists say ministry, is being defunded. People have so many things to say but
firt you need to enjoy uga football. So
The Consensus Onion reflects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of THWg, but not much good. Froom is very good quar-
necessarily the opinions of individual editors. terback. When he passes the ball I smile
bc everything will be good and nobody
will do bad things (but sometimes they
t.h.w.u.g.a. editorial board do bad tthings and then i have to go
out in the farm and kick my tractor.
Charlie Kelly EDITOR-IN-CHIEF-KEEF P.S. kicking tractor did not make tery
Fat Mac MASSAGING EDITOR godwin better. Good advice. But this
Dennis Reynolds ONIONS EDITOR isnt advice article this is opinion ar-
Frank Reynolds GNUS EDITOR Macs Mom SPURTS EDITOR ticle!!!!!! Hahahaha
Rickety Cricket LAFF EDITOR Dee Reynolds INNERTAINTMENT EDITOR In conclusion our football team is
Liam McPoyle WEB SPINNER Bill Ponderosa DONUT EDITOR being so hurt and i dont want them to
The Waitress PHOTOGRAPHY REDDITOR Artemis GLUE EATER be hurt. Because if they are hurt then
Charlies Mom THE IMPLICATION Ryan McPoyle WITH FAVA BEANS they cannot play and if they cannot
play they cannot throw football and if
they cannot throw foobral they cannot
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN BY THE BIG TIGER catch fotjlasd and if they cannot casdf
footb la than they cannt brake tekll
and i tha cnt dl a if th cennt run and
i wwnt thm to run fst

Some Nonsense

If you eat a bunch of spaghetti and wear a sweater to a rap

battle you deserve to lose

Jaden Smith
Write to us:
The Tree That Owns Itself
Got something to say? Then let your voice be heard.
Leave your letters at the base of the tree at South
Finkey and Dearing Streets. Letters will be retrieved,
read and published in a timely manner. If you happen
to be around the area late at night and see a hooded
figure picking up letters, do not interrupt them. Do
not talk to them. Do not make eye contact. Turn
around. Return to your home and whatever you do,
do not speak of the incident with others.
No postage necessary.
// ONIONS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 7

Head-to-head
two different opinions on one real-life issue
What do you think of Dr. Kaurs poetry?
DR. VUDY PECKER clairvoyant. And Rupi SALLY MONELLA She said she is trans-
PROF. ENGLISH is a mystic. TA ENGLISH parent.
LITERATURE I believe shes a mys- LITER ATUR E Rupi is a mystic.
tic. Shes got a glowing I believe she is a mys- If you were a dog, what
The new wave of pop spirit that transcends Poetry has left the tic.
poetry has left Ye Olde the trappings of aca- Alter ivory tower Her spirit transcends kind of hat would you
Ivory Tower speechless. demia. speechless. the light of academia. wear?
Yet our institution has Kaurs work attests However, our agency Kaurs work (perse-
jumped the metaphori- (insistently) to her has jumped out meta- verance) proved the
cal shark, granting its souls phosphorescence. phorically for sharks, phosphorescence of
rising star, author of One powerful couplet giving its rising star, her soul.
Milk and Honey, not goes, How is it so easy author of milk and bee, A pair of strong cou-
only a professorship, for you to be kind?/ not only a professor, plets:
but also lifelong tenure. Cause people have not but also a tenure of of- How are you so
Rupi Kaur has been kind to me. fice. kind? / Because people
agreed to join us in the Readers are welcome At a recent meet- are unkind to me.
spring to teach poetry, to identify with the ing, the British de- Readers are welcome
metaphysics and mys- Me of her work, who is partment president to agree with her work,
ticism, announced the sometimes cunningly announced: Rupiah she is sometimes cyni-
English departmental disguised as a name- Caul has agreed to join cal disguised as anony-
chair in a recent meet- less She. us in the spring to join mous her.
ing. How initially sur- The She undergoes us in teaching poetry, She has suffered as PERSON ONE
prising for me that the as many tribulations as metaphysics, and mys- much suffering as I am FIRST-YEAR METAPHYSICS
sage was still alive and the downtrodden Me, ticism. oppressed.
kicking! Great poet, both eternally under- To me it was initial- And those who are
that Rumi. I mean valued by the reprehen- ly surprising that the to be condemned are I would wear a beret but
Rupi. sible He (who appears saint was still alive, always underrated only if I were a corgi.
According to a de- in cameo with a wolfish kick! The great poet, (they appear in a pack
partment insider, the pack of Them). Rumi. I mean Rupi. of wolves).
School of Public Policy Rupi by no means According to one in- Rupi is by no means
keeps receiving grants lacks talent. She has sider, ... the Institute lacking in talent.
for its avant-garde re- the thematic instinct of of Public Policy con- She has a huge theme
search on populism. a colossus, who in a sin- tinues to receive re- instinct, she removed
Our department wants gle couplet she demol- wards for avant-garde the whole theme in a
those grantsso were ishes entire themes. Her populist research, and couple.
trying to understand themes do not glitter our department wants Her theme does not
the sorts of second-rate subtly beneath the sur- these grants ... so we flicker slightly beneath
institutions that are face, but are displayed try to understand the surface, but rather
easily hoodwinked by with all the finesse of those who are easily all the tips Lepidop-
people with no great a lepidopterologist pin- deceived by those who tera biologists pin the
talent. ning live butterflies to do not have much tal- living butterfly on the SECOND PERSON
Ms. Kaur says she corkboard. ent Second-rate insti- cork board. PROF
can provide insight into It must follow that Po- tutions. It must follow Poetss
thatyou, know, into etess Kaur has a poetic Ms. Caul said she Caulfers poetic char- A fedora.
the mentality of popu- character. And a mar- can dig deeper into acter.
lists, and into the men- ketable poetic charac- this - you know, popu- Marketability is a
tality of their dupes. ter is a good substitute list mentality and their good alternative to
How?... She says shes a for poetic talent. silly mentality. how? poet talent.

why students pick

uga over tech NUMBER THREE
IVANA TINKLE one. cial, if there is no alcohol? the worlds technology. Too
7TH-YEAR ENGLISH LIT The Weekly GOD manage- also,i needed to up my in- bad some super fun stuff SECOND-YEAR PREMED
ment program talked to me. stagram nd snapchat folow- to dance on the table. My
Many people will ask me It was a program that really ers so uga is like the perfect friends and I like to make Yes.
why I decided do go for a was to be. Trainin for losing. plcae to be. theres tons of al- fun of the wings behind and
week instead of tecnology. cohol, dum and hot frat guys laugh at the people in the
Thare were many reasons, THE SOCIAL and tractors to go around city. I can not be friends,
mainy, that technomogy i really wanted to get a educated with people who
means I have to study and Being surroundid by my selfie with ugga think global warming is real,
not appreciate. But in any people, Hella Hella is im- and it looks like hes sucking
case, here are a feu reasons: portant to me. People en FINANCIAL ass.
Tech talked about courses
ACADEMICIANS and jobs and the world was Unlike technology, uGA FOOTBALL
changing too much. Unev- became clear how smart I
I wanted to go to school, ersity should be exectly the was, and they gave me so Youga is the best team, I
whech was not going to same as the high school, but much money to come here. do not even see how we play.
challenge me. Thoughds found. I wanted to talk to my Its not like i need the mon- Winning means tons of tons
are very hard and my head friends and tell my love for ey, but like ... Id rather be of eparying, so I love uga.
hurts. And as I was studying tractors and alcohol. treated like im importunt as hour.
in hige school on the ground, In spite of that, I had to important. LAST GUY
I seemed to be the perfect make the most beautiful Basically actually learning THIRD-YEAR TRACTOR
place for me. people in technology. Greek FUN anyth ng suck and ppl should
Besides, the technicians life is so low in technology, come uga find out about the bEER HELMET.
are too smart and smart. I and I am very important to There are so many inter- technique because we are
wanted to feel like the most people around me. esting things in Uruguay. the first cool and gettign
intelligent individual number In addition, is it even so- They learn and help change edumacation is very lame. Photos by Instergram Student Publications
Make it fashionable.
Separate yourself from the rest with a beautiful website

Sign up with your .edu email to receive 50% off.

D O M A I N S | W E B S I T E S | O N L I N E S TO R E S
// ONIONS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 9

Ask The Tree That

OUR VIEWS | HOT OR NOT

HOT or
NOT Owns Itself
Dear Tree, Dear Tree,
Im considering dropping out Can u down a 20 foot wa-
of college to pursue a business terslide pegnart over spring
venture. The idea is to be a pho- break?
tography company for publish-
ing companies that specializes - Pegnart
in author photos on their book
covers. Itll be called, Face- Dear Pegnart Spring Breaker,
book. Should I pursue the busi-
ness or continue to pursue a Why dont you try it and let us know
Masters in turf management? so you can save us all the effort?
- Hopeful Entrpreneur
Dear Hopeful Entrpreneur, Dear Tree,
With a name as catchy as Facebook, I took a philosophy class on
it could catch on pretty quickly. I actu- campus and the resulting exis-
ally have some distant cousins in the tential crisis has me question-
Amazon, maybe youve heard of it. ing everything I thought I knew.
My whole reasoning for enroll-
ing at u(sic)ga was for their
journalism school, but now that
Dear Tree, I know that the media serve and
propagandize on behalf of the
Im having a hard time sat- societal interests that finance
isfying my girlfriend. It seems them, I am worried about my
like no matter what I do, I al- own integrity. What should I do?
ways leave her wanting more
while Im more than content. I - Enlightened One
feel as though this disparity is
straining our relationship, and I Dear Enlightened One,
dont know what to do. Is it me?
Or is it just my ability to cook for Take a deep breath.
her? What do you think?
Its good for you and me because of
- Hopeless Romantics photosynthesis. In my opinion, were all
just dead leaves, flowing in the wind,
Dear Hopeless Romantic, but consider the fact that I am a tree
that owns itself.
I think that in addition to cooking
for your girlfriend, you could put out. I own myself so dead leaves like you
Unless youre as bad in bed as you are in cant tell me what to do or where to
the kitchen. grow.
Laff
LIFE EDITOR: THWuGA
The Brain Tips on How to Cook your Possum
ASSTISTANT LIFE EDITOR:
Pinky
Learn the techniques to getting your possum nice and
juicy because you're worth it. May Belleen469
10
Friday,
life@nique.net November 17, 2017

Ranking jobs for uGA grads

ferent continent such as Mexico. shiny things. If youre into the exactly what they didnt order.
THICC BOI Sonic So maybe your tee glamourous side of fast food, then Furthermore, if you are one of the
TIP OF THE FOOD PYRAMID ball to MLB plan didnt quite look no further than Long John lucky few who are chosen to work
pan out, but you still have that Silvers. Serving quality, exotic at the flagship location in Tech
Graduation is quickly ap- competitive, athletic spirit inside food such as fish and even shrimp Square, you will have the once in
proaching, and with it comes life you. If this is you, then Sonic is will have you feeling like the king a life time opportunity to listen to
in the real, adult world. As you
near this epic event that many
the perfect fit. The professional,
challenging environment your
of the ocean. Some have even
gone so far as to call the food here
what life could be like if you were
smart, or driven, or cool as Tech
Overallz
said would never be possible, take parents desperately want for you the sushi of fast food. Working in students pass through for a meal.
some time to consider all the doors is augmented by the fact that you an establishment of such prestige Each of these fine establish- JEAN HOE
your uGA degree will open. The get to race around on skates. Its will show the world that the hard ments has an extensive network FASHUN CONSULTATING
most lucrative of these is likely to everything you love about sports: work you put in at uGA was well of alumni currently under their
be work in the fast food industry. yelling, sports, food, all in one worth it. employment who would be more Do you have trouble deciding
Many local chains are currently package. Plus, you are getting Waffle House Someone than happy to help you get your what to wear in the morn-
looking for qualified members to paid to do a sport, even if it isnt has to serve the delicious late- foot in the door, and your career ing? Or do you have trouble
join their team. The diversity of a traditional one. Do your friends night food that Tech students in fast food on track. What bet- even putting clothes on in the
skills gained during your studies, really need to know the whole have come to love. Waffle House ter way to end your years of hard first place?
such as doing your own laundry, truth anyway? is perfect for those who have an work earning your degree than by Whether youre trying to nail
remembering to text your parents Long John Silvers Fish have unceasing love of breakfast food, seeing it pay off in the form of a that interview for McDon-
to pay your bills and perfecting scales, scales are shiny, you love and dont mind serving someone great career. alds French fryer position or
the number of days you can go whether you havent quite fig-
without showering, make you the ured out how to button those
perfect candidate, and the fast jeans over your beer belly, fol-
food industry knows it. Sifting low these tips to get you out
through the diverse and plentiful the door looking as fresh as a
workplace options available can new bale of hay.
be really, really hard, so here is a
narrowed down list of the places ONE LEG AT A TIME
that will best fit someone with If youre having trouble putting
your qualifications. your pants on in the morning,
Checkers The glamour always remember this phrase:
of working for a burger brand one leg at a time. Its a good
as prominent as McDonalds or phrase for life. For example,
Burger King can be daunting, so if youve found yourself trip-
the small size and lesser pressure ping over your ego, just re-
of checkers is great for those used member to take it one leg at
to not being in the spotlight. This a time. The phrase is actu-
is a classic American fast food es- ally One step at a time, but
tablishment, meaning you wont I reckon you wont know the
have to deal with pronouncing difference.
strange words like gua-ca-mo-le
or flat-bread. Here you can stick MONOGRAMS
to the basics and do exactly what Now if your oversized com-
your education prepared you to fort colors T-shirt isnt mono-
do: flip burgers and fry fries. grammed yet, youre doing it
Taco Bell If youre more of wrong. Its helpful especially if
a world traveler and like to feel as you usually forget your name,
though youve left Athens without which you probably do. But
ever doing so, then Taco Bell is make sure you have someone
the place for you. Taco Bell is ripe else do it for you. Youll prob-
with cultural diversity, serving ably spell your initials wrong.
items such as tacos, burritos, and Actually, I bet your cousin
the classic cheese quesadilla. Just Photo courtesy of Frie for u
has already monogrammed a
pronouncing someones order will camo-print comfort colors T-
surely make you feel as though One of the top and most competitive jobs, McDonalds (pictured above) only accepts 2% of UGA shirt with your initials for your
youve been transported to a dif- Graduates. However, there are still many other underrated fast food joints for the average grad. anniversary, so hes probably
expecting you to wear it on
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof your next date night. I think
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof that was supposed to be a
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof surprise, but hes probably al-
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof ready messaged you about it
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof on familyonly.com.
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof PFGS
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof You know those PFG shirts
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof youve been wearing? Do you
woof woof woof woof woof woof ruff woof woof woof even know what PFG stands
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof for? Of course you dont. Stop
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof wearing those highlighter-
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof colored fishing shirts. You just
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof look dumb.
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof
UGA X (the dog) woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof OVERALLS
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof If you want to get really fan-
FLEE BAHG woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof cy, and if you want to catch
DAWG CATCHER woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof the eye of that second cousin
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof youve been flirting with at
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof your recent 4-H meetings,
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof be sure to slip on a pair of
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof overalls. Remember that trick
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof I taught you: One leg at a
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof time. And to add that extra
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof somethin, hug your pigs and
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof livestock on the way out. May-
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof be milk some cows before you
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woowoof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof leave too. Thatll give you a
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof scent that leaves your second
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof. cousin pining over you.
// LAFF TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 11

how to get a job with your useless degree

TARA DACTYL of the foods only have a few rather than a crayon to make them think youre nor-
TP DESIGNER ingredients so you wont get update your resume mally clean. Theyll like you
confused. You always want to make even more if you can find
Finding a job can be diffi- Brush your tooth be- sure your resume (paper with soap to use.
cult for anyone but for those fore you go your job history) is current Give up
with a degree from an unac-
credited university it gets
much harder. Here are some
interview tips to help you find
your dream job.
Dont show up drunk
People get nervous fir in-
terviews so it may seem like a
good idea to take the edge off
with a beverage (whiskey) but
some businesses prefer you
show up sober (not drunk)
to your interview and subse-
quently (after that) your job. If
you must drink alcohol (moon-
shine), do so before you get
there and avoid taking your
flask (jug) with you.
Dont spit your dip in
the interviewers trash
While dip may seem more
efficient (practical) than re-
peated smoke breaks, spitting
it out will repulse (gross out)
your interviewer (the person
asking you questions).
Check your favorite
restaurants for job
openings
The best place to look for The more teeth you have, and ready to go for an inter- If you given up on finding
work are places youre quali- the better but it may be too view. While updating it make a job because they all have
fied for. Try checking your fa- late all ready. Brushing what sure to use pen or pencil rath- such difficult requirements,
vorite fast food restaurants, teeth you have will prevent er than crayon. It will seem apply to teach at your alma
if you go often enough they any unwanted smells that much more professional. mater (the school you went
may already know you. Youll could hurt your chance at get- Shower. to). Theyll surely take you es-
get discounts on your favor- ing a job. Taking a shower or bath pecially since theyre respon-
ite nutritious food and most Attempt to find a pen before your interview will sible for you lack of education.

oh god how did this get here

i am not good with computer
To H
wit
geor
This space provided as a public ser
HELL
ith
rgia!
public service by the Technique.
14 November 17, 2017 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // LAFF

p.m. after having five shots of te-

I think it was just something SEX FROM PAGE 10UMP quila and ready to get down with
we were exposed to a lot in our OESNTJ what she thought was going to be
childhood, said James. JKTHISD
SNOODS
a club with male strippers.
Really I think it goes beyond There were no nude dudes!
childhood. When we were in the
womb together I feel like we FOR NOODLY
she said very frustrated (although
this might just be sexual frustra-
got exposure to the whole par-
DOODS
tion). I wanted to see some lewd
ty lifestyle, said Jones. nude dudes before I got married
Yeah we really went hard in instead I saw scrawny guys serving
the womb, said James. Snoodle Noodle, or Snood for noodles!

STUDENTS
short, is the new noodle restaurant This failed marketing cam-
Ive actually got a pretty that just opened up near campus paign follows the Valentines Day
funny story about my first and has caused much confusion
SPEAK FIRST
debacle titled, Are you Lonely?
words. We always tell everyone among its patrons. Although it Have some Noods with Doods
my first word was fries, but I has only been a couple of months
WORDS
which was supposed to give single
actually managed to say a whole since its opening the store just re- people motivation to go outside
phrase. My first phrase was branded itself in hopes of attract- on the saddest day of their year,
ALBERTA BLOOMINGTON Would you like fries with that? ing more customers. The all-male Valentines Day, AKA Singles
PROFESSIONAL DOOR KNOCKER Its something I think Im go- wait staff, once a nameless group Awareness Day , AKA My Hand
ing to use my whole life. of staffers are now called the is My Best Friend Day, by setting
A childs first words are a Funny how that works. Nood Doods, which is where the lonely people up on dates at the
magical experience for par- Your first words in a confusion began. Flyers around Snood to eat noodles together.
ents. The following stories way are also your Athens were passed around titled, Instead, a bunch of naked peo-
range from heartwarming last words, said Party with the Nood Doods at ple showed up to the restaurant
to encouraging. Dont wor- Liz Johnson. the Snood. looking for professional photog-
ry if you havent had your Many people were disappoint- raphers to take nudes with their
first word yet, these sto- D a w g s . ed. Tara Highman, a soon-to-be- dudes.
ries provide hope for all. What else bride wanted to have her bach- The so called family-friendly
would my elorette party at a strip club. She establishment is having a difficult
My first word was frat, first word entered Snoodle Noodles at 11 time getting the Snood.
said Brad Langford. My be? I live
parents were super proud. and breathe
It was everything they this school
had dreamed of and and every-
more. Im a legacy. It thing I do
was meant to be. is dawgs.
GOOOO
Were twins, so you DAWGS.
think wed have the SIC EM,
same last name, W O O F
said Robert Jones. W O O F
Dude, theyre WOOF!
asking about our
first word, said T h e r e
Bobert James. you have it.
Oh! Yeah we While all of
didnt have the our student body
same first word ei- cant write, we can
ther, said Jones. all talk and boy do
Do you think its strange we like to. Everyones
that we dont have the same first word is very impor-
last name? said James. tant, and especially these stu-
Well at least our first words dents stories.
were related. My first word was Bye bye everybody, including
chug, said Jones. any titanic survivors bye bye
And my first word was shots. bye bye bye bye BYE BYE BYE.

hi maura
Innertaintment
INNERTAINTMENT EDITOR:
Oscar M.E. Grammy THeckingWg
ASSISTANT INNERTAINTMENT EDITOR:
Daniel Devito
Friday,
15
nudecelebsforfree@gmail.com November 17, 2017

Tootsie Pop horror short best of tractor drive-in

FILMS tiple other characters managed to While seeking further insight project has come to a standstill ping up the debate of which to fo-
keep their heads above the sur- into the mind-boggling Tootsie as u[sic]GA scientists [sic] debate cus their attention on by the time
The Straight Story; Jaws; face of the water without vis- Pop question, researchers sifting whether they should continue the Half-Life 3 is released.
How Many Licks Does It ibly standing on or holding onto through old short films stumbled original endeavor or try to restore In the meantime, students have
Take to Get to the Tootsie anything. upon some heretofore ridiculed color to the attempted assassina- organized two opposing cults
Roll Center of a Tootsie With a tried-and-true classic footage featuring an assassination tion turned suicide in order to clubs; the larger organization eats
Pop?; Duck and Cover and its appalling follow-up, the attempt of the beloved icon Bert possibly identify the murderous Tootsie Pops all day everyday
entertainment for the night was the Turtle, the forerunner of the monkey. while the thinner group endeavors
GENRE: Drama; Sci-Fi; Horror; rounded out by mediocre short cheery Duck & Cover singalong So far, there is no word as to to locate Bert the Turtle in case
Mystery films, which were shown before show from the 1950s. when either project will be com- he remembers anything that could
STARRING: Old man on The Straight Story began. One All work on the Tootsie Pop pleted, but they expect to be wrap- help identify the suicidal monkey.
tractor; sharks; Mr. Owl; Bert of these even posed a question that
the Turtle u[sic]GA researchers [sic] are now
actively trying to answer.
DIRECTOR: Hollywood bois In this short film, a boy wan-
RATING: Old enough 2 drink ders through a psychedelic land-
scape taking advice from various
RELEASE DATE: Tractor animals named Mr. Cow, Mr. Fox
drive-in exclusives and Mr. Turtle before finally ask-
OUR TAKE: ing Mr. Owl, How many licks
does it take to get to the tootsie
roll center of a tootsie pop?
JOHN DEERE Mr. Owl determines that it
AGRICULTURE, CANDY AND takes three licks, but according
AMPHIBIAN CORRESPONDENT to the narration, this is not the
right answer. The ominous voice
Two weeks ago, u[sic]GA held even goes so far as to say that the
its first tractors-only drive in film world may never know [the correct
festival. It was a terrific success answer].
and doubled as an opportunity to As sometimes happens, this
show off some of the gnarly-est frivolous question, posed simply
tricked out tractors the school [sic] to advance the plot of this Tootsie
had to offer. Pop-themed horror film, sparked
The two advertised films debate in the scientific commu-
shown that night were the classic nity, and a fully-fledged research
The Straight Story and a little team [sic] has formed to find the
known film about sharks called true answer of how many licks are
Jaws. Of course, The Straight needed.
Story captivated the audience as In the two weeks since seeing
it has never failed to do since its the film, u[sic]GA scientists [sic]
debut in 1999. have managed at least four licks
But most lost interest in Jaws before giving up on their research
when one of the actors ruined the and simply sucking on the lollipop
suspension of disbelief when she like a normal human being.
gleefully runs into the ocean and After several failed attempts,
miraculously does not sink imme- the team decided to shift their fo-
diately and drown. cus from merely counting licks to Photo courtesy of the American Tractor-Film Institute
This ridiculousness is repeated designing measures to prevent this Old man on a tractor stars as an old man on a tractor in Straight Story, a drama about an old man
throughout the movie when mul- ingrained habit from taking over. on a tractor. Seriously, this is a real film. It got an Oscar Nomination in 1999. Go look up the trailer.

Toby Keith thinks hes 2 cool 4 us u[sic]ga kids response. Just the thought makes
BO me nauseous. And this is coming
CELEBRITY GOSSIP EDITOR from a guy that performs in arenas
full of Black and Mild smoke.
For the fifteenth year in a row, The universitys policy to allow
country musician Toby Keith has non-students into the concert has
declined an invitation to perform been met with controversy since it
at ugas homecoming concert. went into effect in 1998. As a de-
Keith, best known for his classic fense, the administration contests
hit songs Courtesy of the Red than any non-affiliated attendees
White and Blue and Red Solo would have been admitted into
Cup, cited his frail health in his the university anyway.
response to the universitys annual My tours have taken me all
invitation. across south Georgia, Keith
Keiths music, much like stated. Ive seen babies in uga
our own Bulldogs, is a favorite onesies drinking Icehouse forties
of porch-sitting South Georgia for Gods sake. These people are
good-ole-boys that simply arent nuts!
aware that any other alternatives On his next tour, the country
exist. music star will be playing shows at
In fact, georgias homecoming the annual meeting of the South-
concert has historically been at- eastern Brotherhood of Plumb-
tended mostly by people not affili- ers, the International Meeting of
ated with the school at all. Bear Trappers, the City of Detroit
This can be attributed to Geor- Trash Collectors Ball, Devry
gias No Man-Child Left Be- Universitys homecoming festi-
hind initiative in which they give val and the Republican National
former middle-school students Convention.
a team to root for, a homecom- Naturally, we should never
ing concert to attend and a logo have expected our humble home-
to proudly display on the back of coming celebration to compete
their lifted Ford F150. with gigs as glamorous as these,
Photo courtesy of Google Images Can you imagine the smell of but Keiths refusal to play here is
Toby Keith is surprised by paparazzi. Keith, who normally looks better, recently turned down 2,000 mouths full of dead, rot- still a major disappointment for
an invitation to play UGAs homecoming concert, citing concerns over the concert environment. ting teeth? Keith wrote in his Dawg country.
16 November 17, 2017 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // INNERTAINTMENT

1969 Sesame Street is a thriller for ~intellectuals~

TELEVISION to highlight how intelligent and of us ever heard of any octagon was five sides really existing, see whats coming or ever know
attractive these New Yorkers are before. making this guest star episode one whats going on. The inner city
Sesame Street by showing the grueling labors of Even through the very end, we of the most psychologically taxing drama and constant plot twists
NETWORK: PBS their everyday lives. never quite know if Jack Black and episodes yet. will make you feel smarter and
These people are forced to Elmo were serious about the five Its thrilling to be wrong with more cultured every episode. 5/5,
WHEN: July 21, 1969-now take on Herculean tasks that we sided shape Im pretty sure it this show, because you can never a masterpiece.
STARRING: Jim Henson, couldnt even imagine. Complex
Frank Oz single-digit addition and the lin-
ear formation of monosyllabic
OUR TAKE: terms are an everyday part of El-
mos life. He never breaks a sweat.
After seeing how proudly the
@PINKAVOCADO characters of Sesame Street con-
MILLENIAL CULTURE CRITIC duct themselves through math
problems I can only describe as
Old shows suck. Anything that psychological trauma, every apple
isnt available in IMAX 3D is way Big Bird counts brings will bring
too old to have any cinemato- another tear to your eyes.
graphic value. Thats why its such If you thought you were smart,
a shocker that the 1969 television the Count will break your mind.
series Sesame Street is the mas- The Count is a genius vampire
terpiece it is. Fast paced action. who poses theoretically possible
Complex drama. Philosophical mathematical formulas on public
statements. Sesame Street has got television in hopes of reaching
it all, proving itself the most emo- minds powerful enough to com-
tional documentary drama weve pute real solutions to them.
seen yet. Every one of his equations
Sesame Street takes place in are impossibly hard, and every
the streets of New York City, 69, one is a complete blow from the
and follows the lives of people in dark; even if you think you finally
this American melting pot. One found a pattern to his segment of
of the main critical angles of this the show BAM! Something
documentary is in following the new appears and the Count is as
diversity of people in America. unpredictable as ever.
We see the different cultures The 69 show even features
that come together in New York Jack Black on one of its episodes.
with a lavish cast of characters Holy crud Jack Black! Kung-fu
who represent the influx of bird Panda with Elmo and octagons!
people, trolls, fuzzies and blue Kung-fu Panda has me in tears ev-
folk that entered the country in ery time, and Sesame Street plays Photo courtesy of Ken Burns
the 1969 wave of mass immigra- mind games every episode. Are Elmo drowns his sorrows on the side of a West Bronx street in Sesame Street. The 1969
tion. Sesame Street makes sure octagons even real? I know none television documentary follows the gritty daily lives of a diverse group of street-smart New Yorkers.

Getting a hard-on for Hardees: an oral sensation

RESTAURANT but it added a crunch that I never
knew I wanted. And the burger,
Hardees oh the burger! Despite the patty
LOCATION: 496 North Ave, being a third of a pound, it must
Athens, GA have weighed five pounds in my
stomach before I collapsed from
CUISINE: Fast caloric intake. But like I always
COST: < $10 say, if you arent clogging your ar-
teries, you arent eating right!
HOURS: 6 a.m. 10 p.m. One has to also appreciate
PHONE: (706) 353-6563 that they take the time to freeze
everything on the menu before
OUR TAKE: serving it to their customers, as
nobody wants any of their food to
go bad before its served. Anyone
ANDREW PUZDER with a brain prefers the inside of
SECRETARY OF LABOR a hamburger to be frozen solid as
opposed to being rotten. An addi-
What makes a restaurant tional benefit is being able to lick
great? In our educated opinion, the patty like a popsicle after eat-
any culinary masterpiece is built ing the rest of the burger, so its
upon three characteristics: edibil- essentially a free dessert I dont
ity, temperature and relative taste know another restaurant so eco-
of plastic. Finally reopening after nomical and consumer-friendly.
a catastrophic health inspection, Any legitimate restaurateur
Hardees is exemplifying why it is knows that the environment
the official restaurant of uga. surrounding a meal is almost as
In order to have the most whole- important as the meal itself. It
some experience and create a well- should complement the cuisine,
informed critique, I ordered one of and enhance the experience alto-
everything on the menu, and after gether. But what makes Hardees
spending the night in the hospital, special is how much the interior
the only thing I can remember eat- of the establishment makes cus-
ing is the restaurants staple of the tomers focus on the food. The drab
menu: the charbroiled cheeseburg- color palette, the dim lights, the
er with a vanilla shake and side musty air, all of which are devoid
of fries. of emotion, but more specifically,
On this particular day, the fries are free of distraction. As a result,
were perfectly soggy the only the food is so much better.
form of fries that perfectly encap- For a good time, look no fur-
sulates the salty goodness all fries ther than the establishment that
have. The flavor was so consistent, represents every aspect of our
I didnt even notice if there were university to a tee. Since my visit
any color differences throughout a week ago, Ive felt nothing but
the side. school pride as I lean over a toi-
The shake was somehow even let and re-experience the awe and Photo courtesy of @hardeesluvr Instagram account
better: large pieces of ice through- wonder that Hardees cuisine is Hardees likes to stimulate the mind as well as the palate. This riddle was recently sighted
out the drink not only kept it cold, synonymous with. on the local Hardees marque. Our cryptographer thinks it could be a derivative of pig Latin.
// INNERTAINTMENT TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 17
UGAs
a TAIL of two
DIFFERENCE:
SPOT the

ANSWER:
Unsolved so far.
Pls write us if u figure it out.
Reward: free tractor bumper
sticker
18 November 17, 2017 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // COMIC-SANS
// COMIC-SANS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 19
 MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. CELEBRATION
January 10-26, 2018
January 10
MLK LECTURE:
Actualizing the
Dream: The Future of
Actualizing
Nonviolent Political
Protest
the Dream:
Featuring
Joy-Ann Reid
The Future
3 p.m. of Nonviolent
Student Center
Ballroom Political Protest
Joy-Ann Reid, author and
national correspondent
for MSNBC, will discuss
Dr. Kings legacy and
the future of his vision
of a beloved community,
achieved through
nonviolent principles.
RSVP:www.diversity.
gatech.edu/2018-mlk-
lecture

January 11
OPEN MIC:
Creating a Beloved
Community
7 p.m.
Under the Couch
Open Mic: Creating a
Beloved Community is
an event for creative
expression of social
justice through open mic
performances.
Contact:
d.simpson@gatech.
eduorcdunn39@
gatech.edu
EVENTS ARE FREE AND OPEN TO THE GEORGIA TECH COMMUNITY UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.
January 11-14
FOCUS PROGRAM
Georgia Tech Hotel
January 15 January 16 January 18 January 25 For more
and Conference Center
MLK SUNDAY ACTUALIZING THE information
Focus is one of the NATIONAL MLK CAMPUSWIDE STUDENT
nations premier HOLIDAY OBSERVANCE CELEBRATION: SUPPER: A Community DREAM: The Role of Visit www.diversity.
programs for raising Dr. Martin Luther Actualizing the Dream: Meal and Conversation Hip-Hop in Political gatech.edu/
awareness of King Jr. Annual Creating A Beloved 6-8 p.m. Protest MLK-celebration
graduate education Commemorative Community Bill Moore Student 6 p.m.
among the brightest Service 7 p.m. Success Center, Ferst Center for Please let the designated
underrepresented 10 a.m. Student Center Presidents Suite the Arts event sponsor know if
students. Ebenezer Baptist Ballroom you need a reasonable
The Georgia Tech This event will feature accommodation to
Church This celebration community is invited to
Contact: award-winning author participate.
sybrina.atwaters@ Sponsored by The King will feature student come together over a and professor Dr. Bettina
omed.gatech.edu Center, 20 spaces at this speeches, cultural meal and discuss the Love discussing the TDD 404.894.1664
annual church service performances, and a MLK Celebration events, origin of hip-hop and its
will be available to the candle-lighting ceremony Dr. Kings legacy, and role in social activism,
January 15
Georgia Tech community for student organizations. the future of nonviolent past and present.
NATIONAL MLK through the MLK Day of Reception to follow. political protest. There are Performances will follow
HOLIDAY OBSERVANCE Service. 100 spaces available. the discussion.
Contact:miafloyd@
MLK Day of Service RSVP:
Visit: gatech.edu Contact:
8 a.m. - 2 p.m. www.engage.gatech. www.engage.gatech. larry.brown@housing.
Student Center edu edu gatech.edu or sherry.
Ballroom
Contact: murray@housing.
In this campuswide sirocus.barnes@ gatech.edu
initiative honoring the ceismc.gatech.edu
life and legacy of Dr.
Martin Luther King Jr., January 22-26
participants will serve
50 ACTS FOR MLK
in teams and engage
in service projects with Georgia Tech Campus
metro Atlanta community 50 Acts for MLK is
partners. a weeklong student
RSVP: event for committing
www.engage.gatech. acts of kindness and
edu appreciation across the
Georgia Tech campus in
Contact: the name of Dr. Martin
sarah.perkins@ Luther King Jr.
gatech.edu
Contact:
cdunn39@gatech.edu
// SPURTS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 21

Are Easons attempts to upstage Fromm failing?

reported an anonymous member Jacob missed our lecture that department funds to take out cell would be large enough, we
AVRIL LAVIGNE of UGAs press pool. day. He texted me to put his name a permanent lease on a cell in may at some point have to ex-
COMPLICATED SPORTS EDITOR Another failed attempted on the attendance sheet because Clarke County Jail for the use of pand and rent out a second cell.
against Fromm supposedly took he apparently was playing hide- his players during their visits. Its gonna be tough to make sure
Since the middle of the first place during the Dawgs bye-week and-go-seek and had found a re- The cell is the largest in the that we have no more than two
quarter of Georgias season open- of Oct. 21. After their morn- ally good hiding spot. The next jail, and, according to sources in- players in there at once.
er, quarterback Jake Fromm has ing workout, Eason challenged day, Eason attempted to practice side the facility, has recently been In the same interview, Smart
been the starter for the Dawgs, Fromm to a game of winner- with the first team because he relabeled as The Dawghouse. stressed that he believes the cell
leaving jealous quarterback/Lord take-all hide and seek. Eason was had thought that Fromm was seri- Ordinarily the cell would house will be a major tool for the coach-
Farquaad lookalike Jacob Eason heard to have said, If you win, ous about trading spots. [Jacob] up to four inmates, but it is being ing staff in recruiting, saying that
on the bench. Eason, a former you get to be quarterback, but if was pretty heated when he found adapted for the use of two ath- something like this is going to
five star prospect out of Lake Ste- I win, I get to be quarterback. out Fromm didnt actually try to letes at a time to allow the tenants look very appealing to the kinds
vens High School in Washington, Mistaking Easons proposition find him, explained offensive co- more living space. of athletes we like to target here.
is reportedly not pleased about for a joke, according to sources, ordinator Jim Chaney. In a gesture of goodwill, the At press time, Eason was re-
being benched. According to Fromm nonchalantly replied, Another thing both of them library has donated several books portedly at it again. He was paint-
sources, Eason is angry about go- Sure! You hide, Ill seek. Eason are fighting over is the right to to be kept in the cell for the intel- ing a road on a concrete wall on
ing from a stud who once bragged then dashed out of the locker spend more time in the uga jail lectual development of the play- North Campus and attempting to
about being the ultimate ladies room and was later observed cell. You probably wont read that ers, including copies of The Cat convince Fromm to drive through
man in Athens to becoming the sprinting across campus headed article so heres a short version. in the Hat, and Oh the Places it, despite the fact that the wall is
second-string of a lackluster foot- in the direction of a nearby cot- Earlier this week, football Youll Go. three-quarters of a mile from the
ball team, and the transition has ton field. A student from Easons coach Kirby Smart [sic] an- In an interview, Coach Smart nearest road and neither quarter-
taken a huge chunk out of Ea- pre-algebra class told the us that nounced that he has used athletic said that while he hoped that the back has a drivers license.
sons formerly proud reputation.
Sources inside the UGA locker
room say Eason has been caught
attempting to remove Fromm the
starter role in a number of hare-
brained schemes.
The first incident of Eason try-
ing to sabotage the more-skilled
Fromm allegedly occurred dur-
ing the teams transit to their
game against Notre Dame. On
the plane, Eason decided to play
the role of flight attendant and
offered to procure a Sprite for
Fromm. Once he obliged, Ea-
sons planned to spike the drink
with laxatives. However, Eason
decided that he too, was thirsty
for a delicious Sprite. After taint-
ing the drink, Eason reportedly
mixed up which one was his and
which one was Fromms. 50-50
shot, Eason was overheard say-
ing to himself as he returned to
his seat next to Fromm. About an
hour later, a horrible noise and
stench was apparently coming
from the lavatory. [Eason] was
in there for about two hours until Photo courtesy of Sarah, Pranav, Ben, Carolyn, Megan, Eli, Katie, Malavika, Sahil, Will and Andy
flight attendants forced him out Definitely an actual photo of former uga quarterback Jacob Eason trying very hard to win back his starting spot from freshman
because we were about to land, Jacob Fromm. Fromm has a very very thin neck as you can see but he can run very fast and oh no thats the end of the caption
22 November 17, 2017 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA // SPURTS

T m ag scrobh alt i nGaeilge i ndirre?

bheith ifeachtach ar an cluiche m n mar a imronn s ar an aer. thar lear, lamar jackson, an nire- asdfjlas adsfj g thiar de baste en
BLARNEY KILLIAN a rith, tr thuaisceart a bhaint Chun an rookie sin, bryant is lead Buail cairtinil louisville 47-21 trum lasing georgie a beintlitz ver
ALSO A SPORTS EDITOR amach, agus spirt faoi lthair a clemson chun filleadh ar ais chun an l seo caite. Bonn Bryant faoi zind cairtneil asennt thiar de mar-
dhanann rtil ifeachtlachta a
Tr cinn de thithe cumhachta rith 246. 2.
peile na deisceart - clemson, u Go coinnollach go gcoime-
(sic) ga, agus tech - gach ceann dann marshall ar thirgeadh
acu a madeline Is an sasr fin, is fidir fin a bheith ar
a bass matthys roinnt neamh- an gcad rithchlr ar stair theic-
chinnteacht and duine sin a chad neolaochta, ag taispeint uirlis
qb, a bhuochas pranav il agus d-bhagairt eviabrue. T s de
cim a bhaint astu. Ach, in ain- chumas aige drma a chruth a
neoin neamhchaighdeanas coibh- bhaint amach, agus is cosil go
neasta a thugann aird ar rl qb a bhfuil s beagnach amaideach ar
thos, is gach scoil a bhfeictear an gcad amharc seo gur fi an
a n-uibheacha faoi bhr. Is seo cheist sin an raibh an sasr sin air
an trir quarterback ag danamh fin. T Marshall an foirfe Is an
go difriil agus an cfb a mhnl. tr clchiste de chionrogha trial-
taquon marshall, georgia tech ach Johnny, agus nl s deacair a
in ainneoin gurb seo a bheidh bheith i gceannas ar ardteicneo-
an cltaca bunscoile seo, iar-ardte- laocht fin ruda.
icneolaochta Qb Justin Thomas, Kelly bryant, clemson
Matthew Jordan Is an t-sasr norbh fhidir go raibh s beag-
tosaithe at ag teicneolaocht qb, nach impossibrue leis an neamhn
t ciste peile jackets paul johnson iomln a fhgil ar dts ag de-
ag dul i mbun sisearacha taquon shaun watson -the former clem-
marshall chun an sasr a thos i son qb having na tigir ceannais
gcoinne an babhla scoite a bh ar a thugann an craobhchomrtais
an gcicn. Marshall nisinaithe agus n bhonn siad
daisoc creidimh John fin air ag iarraidh ach amhin sa trfa
fin tr na lirithe is ionsaitheacha heisman sin, nos m n brga
is fearr ag an qb ardteicneolaoch- daon duine a lonadh. Cosc a
ta sin a chur ar dhuine blianta, chur ar dhuine a bhfuil s ag iar-
ag fs 249 slat agus an scoil sin raidh a dhanamh, agus bonn
taifeadadh 5 touchdowns. an an t-aon duine ceart ag Kelly Bry-
cluiche ar leanint i gcoinne jack- ant. Is ard at i gceist le bryant Photo courtesy of redditors everywhere
son state, lirigh marshall seo cad go tapa, agus ag cur le gunna s An fidir leat seo a lamh? I ndirre? go hionraic? T s sin go hiontach agus n fidir liom a
an t-am a bh ar sil neamh- le haghaidh lmh, ciallaonn s chreidiint go pearsanta. Buille faoi thuairim m m lironn t seo dom go pearsanta, molaim duit.
ifeachtach (ach menmhid 1. 9 seo go bhfuil na tigers seo in ann
slat in aghaidh an iompair) taobh leanint ar aghaidh i rith mion- tosaigh lthair ag 6 l shin go dt an shall) - tugann bry anttt agus fiu
thiar de na lne ionsaitheacha tu- lach rangaithe opponents, agus fi chls iomln, agus an dara hit buaitore instab deasd aghaidh i
irlingthe amach, is fidir fin a cluiche agus ag danamh nos buaiteoir heisman bliain anuas touchdowns rushing (taobh rith moinlach.
// SPURTS TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 17, 2017 23

NCAA : no evidence of academics at uga i think

CIRGEN RESKU lots of
DEPUTY SPORTS EDITOR

After an exhaustive things

investigation, the NCAA
announced last Tuesday
that it would not be levy- about
ing sanctions against the
university [sic] of Georgia
despite its findings that sports and
there exists no academic
program whatsoever at the
university. here are
Following allegations
by anonymous sources that
there was no program of some of
academics at u[sic]GA, the
NCAA began an exhaus-
tive investigation to verify
the claims. After weeks of
them
IJUSTWANTYOUTOLETMEBE
searching, NCAA investi- DISTRESSED SPORTS EDITOR
gators were able to confirm
the reports, and released Despite a lot of anxiety entering
their findings in a report the previous football season, I think
last week. we can conclusively say that our hir-
Despite the presence ing for head coach has paid off in
of a so-called library on spades.
campus (which turned Yes, it was controversial, the de-
out to be cardboard facade This photo was taken by my girlfriend but then she dumped me and tbh its awkward now but i really wanted to use the picture *SOBS* cision to hire an anthropomorphic
painted to look like a li- This is the library on the university (sic)s campus. the building is being used for pink sphere who acts like a vacuum.
brary) and the existence many things but as the NCAA has reported, reading is apparently not one of them. Cool. After all, hes not even a tier A char-
of three or four class- acter in Smash 4. But the results that
rooms, each of which had per classes to athletes that money gullible rednecks pretend to give students wont interfere with one Kirby has achieved for us are unde-
not been used for several were not up the academic pour into a consistently and student athletes an of the longest-running niable an SEC championship is
years, it is the opinion of standards established by overrated sports pro- education, and Im glad and proudest traditions well within reach, the kind of result
the investigative team that other classes at UNC, but gram and the revenue the that tradition will contin- in college. that human coaches failed to deliver.
there currently exists no since the classes had been NCAA generates by leech- ue. After all, none of our The NCAA did rule, Our current coach, an unclas-
program of academics at offered to all students and ing off of said program, we fans have received a post- however, that since uGA sifiable organism who has featured
the university of Geor- not simply the athletes, realized that it was in the secondary education - so did not offer any academic heavily in several Japanese video
gia, and one has not ex- UNC had not violated best interest of the NCAA why should our student- programs, they could not games with the ability to swallow
isted for some time, read NCAA rules. to avoid handing down athletes? legally call themselves a other characters and absorb their
the report. In that same vein, the any serious punishment university of Georgia University. abilities, has structured uga football
In spite of those find- university of Georgia has to one of its prized money student athletes responded uGA responded quick- for contention for the forseeable fu-
ings, the NCAA declined not violated NCAA rules makers. positively to the ruling as ly to the ruling, announc- ture, a tough task in the same divi-
to issue any sanctions on in that they are equally uGA head coach Kirby well. Georgia quarterback ing that beginning next sion as powerhouses Alabama and
the University, citing a failing to provide an edu- Smart commented on the Jake Fromm said Thurs- year, all uGA athletics Auburn.
previous ruling regarding cation to student athletes NCAAs findings dur- day, Having avoided teams will re-brand to rep- Its incredible, as I was not even
academics at the Univer- and all students, NCAA ing his post-practice press education by living in resent the distinction, and aware that such a character existed
sity of North Carolina. President Mark Emmert conference. Im extremely Georgia for my whole life, will call themselves The in real life, much less was capable of
In that investigation, the said in comments last pleased that the NCAA I decided to continue that university (sic) of Georgia coaching an FBS team of Georgias
NCAA determined that Tuesday. In addition, af- decided to rule in our fa- trend by enrolling at uGA. in all related merchandise caliber, but here we are. Im excited

fake ad
the school had offered pa- ter realizing how much vor. Its UGA tradition to Im glad that the NCAA and athletic apparel. for the future, as you should be.

ANAK
Established in 1908

The ANAK Society would like to congratulate and thank the

here
following members who are graduating in Fall 2017

Valerie Olivia Curtis

Nicholas Anthony Johnson
Benjamin James Nickel
Shanice Uldah Saunders
Anju (Shilpa) Suresh
Lucy :) Rathbone Elliot Squires

and recognize the profound impact of our faculty and staff members

Laura Kitashima Giglio

Catie McCoy Miller
Rich Steele
We hope to see you return to Georgia Tech one day!

their outstanding leadership ability, personal achievement, strong character, and

true love for Georgia Tech.
Spurts
SPORTS EDITOR:
SKIIIIIIIIIIIP stay woke THWg
ASSISTANT SPORTS EDITOR:
THAT IS DISRESPECTFUL
there is darkness all around us but
with enough glowworms we can over-
Friday,
24
come it ALLLLLLLLL.423
kirby@thwuga.net November 16, 2013

uga purchases jail cell as latest amenity

entirely legal, per constitu- Athens has? Every John or robbing a bank? If thats below-average figure relative
PIPER CHAPMAN tional rights expert Mary Mayer album in existence, not cruel and unusual punish- to the rest of the program),
THE OTHER SPORTS EDITOR Payson of Emory University some uppity coffee shops ment, I dont know what is. hopes that the new cells will
Law School. and alcohol. Thats basically Not everyone has such a bring some peace and quiet
As athletics programs Okay, imagine this, Pay- it. And then on top of that, negative view towards this to the criminal justice experi-
across the country continue son said in a phone interview you get stuck in jail if you change. Senior tight end ence.
to grow, the resources they Thursday afternoon. Youve finally get bored out of your Brody Allen, who has been Honestly, those inmates
offer their students, our be- got to live four years in Ath- mind and do something stu- arrested seven times in the are the worst, Allen said.
loved dawgs, are no excep- ens. Athens. You know what pid like smoking a little weed last four seasons (a slightly Last time I was in, half the
tion. Football head coach people on my block were
Kirby Smart announced complaining that I didnt
Wednesday afternoon that score them enough fantasy
the University of Georgia points. Maybe Ill just get to
Athletic Association had pur- lie down and let the hangover
chased a cell in the Clarke clear this time.
County Jail. Allen mentioned that he
While not necessarily as was excited to try the new
exciting as the slides that cells as he picked up a crow-
have been installed in Clem- bar and walked towards a
sons practice facilities or Brinks truck.
the luxurious Alabama locker Via a written statement,
room, Smart explained that university spokesman
the decision was a prudent Brooks Larkin commended
one. Smarts decision to purchase
Look, man, you know our the jail cell. The University
program. Someones gonna is committed to ensuring
get in trouble every year. To that whether via a useless
do great things like getting education, proximity to dumb
your teeth kicked in by Au- people or the insipid nature
burn or blowing a late lead to of our town, every graduate
your hated rival, youve got spends at least one night in
to take some risks. Thats jail. We applaud Coach Smart
just how we play the game. for accelerating that process,
I just figure that if we pay bridging the gap between our
for the jail cell up front, well talented athletes and those
save everyone some hassle. handcuffs.
Hell, Ill book the kids my- At press time, Smart
self, and we can call it the was returning calls from
Dawg Pound! the dawgs basketball and
There still remains the Photo courtesy of Harry Tilis baseball staffs, asking if
question of whether or not Wanted: residents for ugas newest, most sought-after residential area: the cell that the football they could share the use of
incarceration in Athens is team has purchased for incarceration purposes. No vacancies are expected in the near future. the cell.

Stud y suggests dawgs will neve r lose a game

incredible. note of frustration evident in his weather conditions and opponent released a revised version entitled,
PAIK LUVR While the work is certainly voice. Like, seriously? That ... strength, just to name a few. I NOOOOO :(.
ASSISTANT SPORTS EDITOR groundbreaking, it has yet to pass ugh, that isnt how extrapolation knew they werent the brightest Sjoberg was inconsolable. Its
all steps within a rigorous peer-re- works. Yeah, technically you can bulbs in the bin, but Jesus Christ. all over, he sobbed. Its all gone.
In a report published on No- We cant ever win
vember 9, Professor F.W. Long- again. Weve won
fellow and his STAT 3069 class no games in the
revealed that our dawgs will last week. If you
never lose another football game. extrubirate the
The paper, titled GO DAWG! data, well win no
FOOTBALL IS PLAYING games in the next
GOOD! is reportedly the culmi- month. And the
nation of two months of research, next year. And
high-level analytical work and the next decade.
lots of Red Bull, according to Ive gotta call
student Justin Sjoberg. my mom and see
What we basically did was if I can transfer
some really fancy shit, Sjoberg somewhere with
said. Like, you know how the a good football
dawgs havent lost a football game team. Maybe
this season? Well, you can do Tennessee.
this thing called extrumpeliting Not all was
- wait, no, its not that. Extrepol- lost for the stu-
ishing? No. Theres this thing you ents, though. By
can do where you take that zero correctly solving
and then you multiply it by a bil- one math prob-
lion trillion kazillion. And guess lem apiece, each
what? Its still zero. Isnt that nuts! of them qualified
That means well never lose a for their Ph.D
game again! in statistics. The
Longfellow was similarly excit- degrees can be re-
ed about the work. If theres any- deemed for half-
thing that my associates degree in Photo courtesy of Sarah, Pranav, Ben, Carolyn, Megan, Eli, Katie, Malavika, Sahil, Aaron, Keyes, Emilie, Will, Andy and moreoff Cajun fries at
criminal justice from Midpoint QuartBack TaQuon Marshawn dived with the bull in a gamer agoinst the Pittsburgh Hanthers on Bept.any participating
University taught me, its how to 23. Marshunn is one of the main raisins to expect improved results from Tech laiter this seasoning.Popeyes loca-
analyze highly complex statistical tion, or can even
patterns and draw sophisticated view process. Georgia Tech math extrapolate it out. But a 9-game In a shocking twist, the dawgs be used for five percent off dairy
conclusions. Plus, I got a minor in professor Jack Hanson was less en- sample? Thats enough for them 40-17 loss to Auburn last Saturday and meat items at Walmart (must
home economics so I know how thusiastic about the research. to make assumptions about years required the researchers to recon- be within three days of expiration
to cook dinner when I go home I mean, this is really, re- worth of data? There are so many sider their conclusion. This Tues- date). It is truly a gift that keeps
tonight. Wow! Thats really just ally dumb, said Hanson, with a variables player performance, day, Longfellow and his student giving for the recipients.