FCS2181

Conflict Management and Resolution: Can We Agree? 1

Meredith Taylor2

Overview disagreement. The goal for couples is to see things the

way the other person does. Get more information
without judging your partner and the situation. Ask
questions and talk to come to understand each other's
perspective.
In a successful marriage, couples have more
positive than negative interactions. There are more Take This Visual Test
times of talking cheerfully than of talking angrily.
Positive interactions and good times help couples feel Take a look at this graphic:
loved and respected. Negative interactions and bad
times lead to feelings of hurt, anger, and sadness.

Perspective: What is Your

Perspective?
What do you see? Some people see two people
All people are different. We each have different talking. Some see a vase or pedestal. Usually a person
likes and dislikes, beliefs, values. These differences sees one first and has to really study the drawing to
make up our individual perspective. Perspective is see the other. Some individuals must have the outline
the way people consider things: it is your point of of the other image traced before they can find it.
view, your frame of reference.
This example represents two very different
Your perspective is influenced by childhood perspectives of a single drawing. Imagine how
experiences: your relatives, your upbringing, your complicated it can get when one couple has two
schooling, and other life experiences. perspectives as they deal with problem areas in their
marriage.
Different perspectives bring excitement to
courtships, relationships, and to marriage. Differing
perspectives can also cause conflict and

1. This document is FCS2181, one of a series of five publications that are part of Before You Tie the Knot, a marriage preparation curriculum of the Family
Youth and Community Sciences Department, Florida Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, University of Florida.
Original publication date November 1, 2001. Revised November 2, 2005. Reviewed Visit the EDIS Web Site at http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu.
2. Meredith Taylor, M.S., Suwannee County Extension Director, Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, University of
Florida.

The Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences (IFAS) is an Equal Opportunity Institution authorized to provide research, educational information and
other services only to individuals and institutions that function with non-discrimination with respect to race, creed, color, religion, age, disability, sex,
sexual orientation, marital status, national origin, political opinions or affiliations. U.S. Department of Agriculture, Cooperative Extension Service,
University of Florida, IFAS, Florida A. & M. University Cooperative Extension Program, and Boards of County Commissioners Cooperating. Larry
Arrington, Dean
Conflict Management and Resolution: Can We Agree? 2

The Role of Conflict For example, let's say you are disagreeing about how
to spend $50 you've received as a wedding present.
The way a couple deals with conflict is a One of you wants to spend it on the wedding. The
powerful predictor of marital success. Good news: it other wants to spend it on the home.
is also an area in the marriage that can be changed.
Conflict can be a way of getting to know each other Try setting both of those wants aside. Talk out ideas
and each perspective better. Happier, more stable for spending it that would please you both. Consider
marriages are created by sharing respect, power, and all options you both mention. Be open to looking for
decision-making. a way that you can agree. Who knows what might
happen? You may both be happy with something
else—like a special night out for your one month
anniversary.

4. Conflict can foster unity and understanding.

Situations that are upsetting can help you learn more

about each other. You learn about each other's
strengths and weaknesses. What you learn can bring
you closer together. This produces the good feeling
Positive Aspects Of Conflict of making up. Be hard on the problem and soft on
each other.
There are positive and negative aspects of
conflict. Positive or good outcomes of conflict
include the following:
5. Conflict can bring about behavior changes.
1. Conflict can help couples recognize discontent.
As a couple, you learn which words and actions
A conflict signals that at least one partner is unhappy. cause arguments. Each can purposely change, so he
It is similar to physical pain or a physical sympton, or she doesn't say or do those things. Work to make
when you take action in order to feel better. Conflict the relationship prosper. Each partner can make
can let you know something is wrong and needs individual changes in order to create harmony instead
attention. of conflict.

Negative Aspects Of Conflict

2. Conflict can result in a change for the better. It is not a disagreement itself, but how you deal
with the conflict that makes it helpful or hurtful.
Disagreeing about how to handle a situation helps you Most important is how each partner feels about the
figure out your own way of working through interaction. Those feelings result from both negative
problems as a couple. and positive aspects of conflict. Negative or less
desirable aspects of conflict include the following:

1. Conflict can increase accusations and threats.

3. Conflict can produce new ideas and
improvements. These can start in the early part of the argument and
get worse. The first three to five minutes of
When you try to see things from your partner's point interaction determine the direction the argument will
of view, you might come up with entirely new
take. Strong accusations can turn into a shouting
thoughts.
match. Avoid accusations. Instead, bring up concerns
Conflict Management and Resolution: Can We Agree? 3

with a calm tone of voice. A quieter voice comments like "Don't let him get away with
soothes irritation and anger. this” or “You're not going to let her boss
you, are you?” Instead, talk honestly with
your spouse. Talk about working through
2. Conflict can begin with one issue and grow into the problem together as a couple.
many issues.
Work through conflict so that it strengthens your
The argument starts snowballing and referring back relationship. Build on the positive. And compliment
to other times when you've been unhappy, angered, yourselves when you have created a good solution to
or annoyed. It gets harder to focus on the present the problem that was causing conflict.
problem. It gets even harder to focus on a solution.
Avoid the temptation to bring up the past. Instead, Emotional Flooding
keep your comments focused on the current issue.
The strong words and actions of one spouse can
be so overwhelming that the other one feels flooded.
The negative expressions cause a feeling of mental
numbness. Flooding also creates symptoms of
physical stress such as increased heart rate, sweating,
and shortness of breath.

When you are flooded, your reactions become

emotional instead of logical. Feeling out of control,
3. When conflict continues to go on and on, you are unable to continue talking and trying to solve
specifics change to generalizations. the problem. A partner who is emotionally flooded
might leave the room, tune out, start yelling, or
Couples begin to say to each other, “you always...or,
become violent.
you never...” Generalizing makes you less flexible
and less able to think of ways to solve the problem.
Instead, talk about specific concerns or behaviors.

4. As conflict continues, the number of people

involved grows larger.

Do you keep telling people your problem in order to

find someone on your side? Ask yourself, “What is
my motive? Why am I telling this?” Encouraging
friends and relatives to take sides may feel good in
Flooding is especially a problem when partners
the short-term. In the long-term, you and your spouse have a different response to it. One may want to
will make up, and then both sides will feel
“talk now," but this creates more flooding for the
uncomfortable.
other. One may take longer to recover from flooding.
She or he may want to get away from it and then
come back to talk. Violence is never a solution to
5. When conflict is not being resolved, it can lead to conflict!
a desire to seek revenge.
To control flooding, avoid being critical, or
You may want to "get back" at one another and sarcastic or accusing. Stop arguing before the
sabotage one another rather than work through the conversation heats up and causes emotional flooding.
situation together. Outsiders can fuel the conflict with Instead, use “I” messages. For example: “I get
Conflict Management and Resolution: Can We Agree? 4

upset when...” instead of “You upset me when...” is to understand each other. Compromise and resolve;
Do what you can to calm yourself. Try deep you do not have to agree. Some couples call it
breathing. Call time out, and allow enough time for “agreeing to disagree”. They are committed to the
cooling down. Realize that one of you may be ready relationship and overlook disagreements.
to talk again before the other is ready.
Always strive to build on the positive aspects of
Problem Solving your relationship. A commitment to sharing respect,
power and decision-making makes for the happiest,
Conflict resolution is problem solving. There are most stable marriages.
five basic steps to problem solving:
Resolving Conflict: A Summary
1. State the Problem.
• Conflict happens, because we are human.
Use “I” messages to state the problem. For
example: “I get angry when the garbage piles up, • The marriage relationship comes first and is
because it attracts bugs.” Take turns talking and worth lots of effort to preserve.
listening. Share ideas rather than give advice.
• Avoid an “I win; you lose” attitude. It is
2. Look for Areas of Agreement. possible for both to win- at least in part -and no one
has to lose.
Identify areas of agreement. Even small points
of agreement are a positive thing. For example: “We • It is easier to settle things when you both have
both want to avoid using bug sprays.” the same information about the problem.

3. Explore Alternatives. • Remember that each person has information

through his or her own perspective. Check out the
Talk about different ways to solve the facts!
problem. You'll have a greater chance of finding the
best solution. All requests should be for change in • Decide on a common goal, such as “rest and
behavior, not attitudes. You can't ask each other to relax on vacation” or “see as many sights as we
feel differently. For example: “We can take care of can.”
the garbage on alternating weeks. I will start first or
would you rather start this week?”. “I'll do the • Be honest and direct with each other.
garbage and you do the sweeping.”
• Accept responsibility for your own feelings.
4. Try a Solution.
• Confront and deal with problems openly
Be specific about what will be tried. Avoid instead of avoiding or hiding from them.
referring to what happened in the past. Stay in the
• Agree on ground rules or agreements for
present and the future. For example, “I will check the
handling conflict as a couple.
garbage every day after dinner.”
• Conflict itself is not the main issue; how you
5. Evaluate Results.
deal with conflict is most important.
If the solution doesn't work, go through the
steps again. Try a different solution. Set a time for the
next discussion. For example: “Let's talk about the
garbage situation Tuesday night.”

Joint problem-solving, doesn't mean one person

wins and the other loses. Work toward finding a
Win-Win solution, where both feel satisfied. The goal
Conflict Management and Resolution: Can We Agree? 5

References
Gottman, John. 1994. Why Marriages Succeed
or Fail. Simon & Shuster, Inc., NY, NY. 234pp.

Gottman, John and Nan Silver. 1999. The Seven

Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown
Publishing, NY, NY. 271pp.

Leadership Suwannee '95: “When There is

Disagreement ...How to Fight Fair”. Patsy Holmes,
North Florida Mental Health Center. Lake City, FL.
Presentation.

Leadership Suwannee '96: “Conflict Resolution

--As a Leadership Skill”. Patsy Holmes, White
Foundation, Gainesville, FL. Presentation.

The Role of Conflict in a

Relationship
In this segment of the Florida Marriage
Preparation series, couples are encouraged to look at
the importance of learning to negotiate conflict--and
learn its positive and well as its negative aspects.
Other related publications besides Conflict
Management and Resolution--Can We Agree?
include: Your Money Matters, Can We Talk?
Improving Couple Communication, Couples
Considering Parenthood, Couples Considering A
Blended Family, and So You are Getting Married in
Florida!

Click here to print or view the entire publication.