Conflict Management and Resolution: Can We Agree?: Meredith Taylor
Conflict Management and Resolution: Can We Agree?: Meredith Taylor
1. This document is FCS2181, one of a series of five publications that are part of Before You Tie the Knot, a marriage preparation curriculum of the Family
Youth and Community Sciences Department, Florida Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, University of Florida.
Original publication date November 1, 2001. Revised November 2, 2005. Reviewed Visit the EDIS Web Site at http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu.
2. Meredith Taylor, M.S., Suwannee County Extension Director, Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, University of
Florida.
The Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences (IFAS) is an Equal Opportunity Institution authorized to provide research, educational information and
other services only to individuals and institutions that function with non-discrimination with respect to race, creed, color, religion, age, disability, sex,
sexual orientation, marital status, national origin, political opinions or affiliations. U.S. Department of Agriculture, Cooperative Extension Service,
University of Florida, IFAS, Florida A. & M. University Cooperative Extension Program, and Boards of County Commissioners Cooperating. Larry
Arrington, Dean
Conflict Management and Resolution: Can We Agree? 2
The Role of Conflict For example, let's say you are disagreeing about how
to spend $50 you've received as a wedding present.
The way a couple deals with conflict is a One of you wants to spend it on the wedding. The
powerful predictor of marital success. Good news: it other wants to spend it on the home.
is also an area in the marriage that can be changed.
Conflict can be a way of getting to know each other Try setting both of those wants aside. Talk out ideas
and each perspective better. Happier, more stable for spending it that would please you both. Consider
marriages are created by sharing respect, power, and all options you both mention. Be open to looking for
decision-making. a way that you can agree. Who knows what might
happen? You may both be happy with something
else—like a special night out for your one month
anniversary.
2. Conflict can result in a change for the better. It is not a disagreement itself, but how you deal
with the conflict that makes it helpful or hurtful.
Disagreeing about how to handle a situation helps you Most important is how each partner feels about the
figure out your own way of working through interaction. Those feelings result from both negative
problems as a couple. and positive aspects of conflict. Negative or less
desirable aspects of conflict include the following:
with a calm tone of voice. A quieter voice comments like "Don't let him get away with
soothes irritation and anger. this” or “You're not going to let her boss
you, are you?” Instead, talk honestly with
your spouse. Talk about working through
2. Conflict can begin with one issue and grow into the problem together as a couple.
many issues.
Work through conflict so that it strengthens your
The argument starts snowballing and referring back relationship. Build on the positive. And compliment
to other times when you've been unhappy, angered, yourselves when you have created a good solution to
or annoyed. It gets harder to focus on the present the problem that was causing conflict.
problem. It gets even harder to focus on a solution.
Avoid the temptation to bring up the past. Instead, Emotional Flooding
keep your comments focused on the current issue.
The strong words and actions of one spouse can
be so overwhelming that the other one feels flooded.
The negative expressions cause a feeling of mental
numbness. Flooding also creates symptoms of
physical stress such as increased heart rate, sweating,
and shortness of breath.
upset when...” instead of “You upset me when...” is to understand each other. Compromise and resolve;
Do what you can to calm yourself. Try deep you do not have to agree. Some couples call it
breathing. Call time out, and allow enough time for “agreeing to disagree”. They are committed to the
cooling down. Realize that one of you may be ready relationship and overlook disagreements.
to talk again before the other is ready.
Always strive to build on the positive aspects of
Problem Solving your relationship. A commitment to sharing respect,
power and decision-making makes for the happiest,
Conflict resolution is problem solving. There are most stable marriages.
five basic steps to problem solving:
Resolving Conflict: A Summary
1. State the Problem.
• Conflict happens, because we are human.
Use “I” messages to state the problem. For
example: “I get angry when the garbage piles up, • The marriage relationship comes first and is
because it attracts bugs.” Take turns talking and worth lots of effort to preserve.
listening. Share ideas rather than give advice.
• Avoid an “I win; you lose” attitude. It is
2. Look for Areas of Agreement. possible for both to win- at least in part -and no one
has to lose.
Identify areas of agreement. Even small points
of agreement are a positive thing. For example: “We • It is easier to settle things when you both have
both want to avoid using bug sprays.” the same information about the problem.
References
Gottman, John. 1994. Why Marriages Succeed
or Fail. Simon & Shuster, Inc., NY, NY. 234pp.