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    Tamer Abdelmoamen Writing Feedback 1

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    Tamer AbdElmoamen
    This letter refers Mrs. Maria Santini, a 67-year-old widow, to Dr. Bronwyn Clarke for treatment of a Baker's cyst in her right knee and worsening osteoarthritis. Mrs. Santini lives alone and has a medical history including osteoarthritis, hypertension, and hyperlipidemia. She recently underwent lumbar laminectomy in 2008 and bilateral hip replacement in 2010. She now presents with six weeks of severe pain in both knees worsened by flexion and extension, and has difficulty walking and climbing stairs. Examination found crepitations in both knees and MRI revealed degenerative changes consistent with osteoarthritis. The referring doctor requests Dr. Clarke further assess and manage Mrs. Santini, possibly with a joint steroid

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    Tamer Abdelmoamen Writing Feedback 1

    Uploaded by

    Tamer AbdElmoamen
    43 views3 pages
    This letter refers Mrs. Maria Santini, a 67-year-old widow, to Dr. Bronwyn Clarke for treatment of a Baker's cyst in her right knee and worsening osteoarthritis. Mrs. Santini lives alone and has a medical history including osteoarthritis, hypertension, and hyperlipidemia. She recently underwent lumbar laminectomy in 2008 and bilateral hip replacement in 2010. She now presents with six weeks of severe pain in both knees worsened by flexion and extension, and has difficulty walking and climbing stairs. Examination found crepitations in both knees and MRI revealed degenerative changes consistent with osteoarthritis. The referring doctor requests Dr. Clarke further assess and manage Mrs. Santini, possibly with a joint steroid

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    This letter refers Mrs. Maria Santini, a 67-year-old widow, to Dr. Bronwyn Clarke for treatment of a Baker's cyst in her right knee and worsening osteoarthritis. Mrs. Santini lives alone and has a medical history including osteoarthritis, hypertension, and hyperlipidemia. She recently underwent lumbar laminectomy in 2008 and bilateral hip replacement in 2010. She now presents with six weeks of severe pain in both knees worsened by flexion and extension, and has difficulty walking and climbing stairs. Examination found crepitations in both knees and MRI revealed degenerative changes consistent with osteoarthritis. The referring doctor requests Dr. Clarke further assess and manage Mrs. Santini, possibly with a joint steroid

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd
    Download as docx, pdf, or txt
    43 views3 pages

    Tamer Abdelmoamen Writing Feedback 1

    Uploaded by

    Tamer AbdElmoamen
    This letter refers Mrs. Maria Santini, a 67-year-old widow, to Dr. Bronwyn Clarke for treatment of a Baker's cyst in her right knee and worsening osteoarthritis. Mrs. Santini lives alone and has a medical history including osteoarthritis, hypertension, and hyperlipidemia. She recently underwent lumbar laminectomy in 2008 and bilateral hip replacement in 2010. She now presents with six weeks of severe pain in both knees worsened by flexion and extension, and has difficulty walking and climbing stairs. Examination found crepitations in both knees and MRI revealed degenerative changes consistent with osteoarthritis. The referring doctor requests Dr. Clarke further assess and manage Mrs. Santini, possibly with a joint steroid

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd
    Download as docx, pdf, or txt
    of 3

    Dr Bronwyn Clarke

    Ortopaedic Surgeon

    Orthopaedic Department

    Main Hospital

    Greenville

    17/10/2015

    Dear Dr Clarke,

    Re: Mrs Maria Santini DOB: 08/01/198448

    I am writing to refer Mrs Santini, a 67-year-old widow, who has been diagnosed with a baker’s
    cyst in the right knee along with worsening osteoarthritis. It would be highly appreciated if you
    could take over care of her condition.

    Although Mrs Santini has two adult children, she lives alone. She has a medical history of
    osteoarthritis, hypertension and hyperlipedaeima fror which she takes regular medications.
    Please note, she had undergone underwent a lumbar laminectomy in(2008) and a bilateral hip Commented [LA1]: There is no need to use the past perfect
    here as there is no more recent event that you have to differentiate
    replacement in (2010). between.

    Today, Mrs Santini presented with a six-week-history of severely progressing pain in the right
    and left knee joints, mostly with flexion and extension. Over the last four weeks, she has
    experienced restrict joint mobility associated with mild to moderate persistent pain; thus, a
    referral to a Pphysiotherapist was arranged. Furthermore, her daily life activities have been
    notably affected and she has been was unable to walk for a short distance, besides she has Commented [LA2]: As you used the present perfect before.

    recently developed a difficulty in climbing the stairs. Therefore, she has sustained conspicuous
    depression symptoms; consequently, home assessment was considered.

    Upon examination, there were concomitant crepitations in the right and left knee joints on
    both flexion and extension. Despite her MRI revealed revealing degenerative changes Commented [LA3]: Despite + gerund.
    consistent with osteoarthritis, there were was no evidences of skin changes, swelling or Commented [LA4]: Uncountable.

    valgus/varus deformity.

    In view of the above, I am therefore referring Mrs Santini for further assessment and
    management including the possibility of a joint steroid injection. For any queries, please
    contact me.

    Yours sincerely,

    Doctor

    NB: please I need stress on comma positions. I have inserted a comma after ‘distance’.

    Writing Grade and Feedback


    Grade: B-
    This is a promising first letter which has some strong aspects, including an attempt at a good range of grammatical structures and
    cohesive devices. The layout of the letter is also appropriate. In addition, all key points have been mentioned.

    Areas to work on:

     Checking your letter for small mistakes


     Correct use of the past perfect
     Writing the address exactly as it appears in the case notes
    Needs
    Overall Task Fulfillment Strong Average
    Review

    Introduction structure and focus X

    Body paragraphs//organisation//planning//word length X

    Conclusion X

    Needs
    Comprehension of Stimulus Strong Average
    Review

    Focus on main issue X

    Omits non-relevant information X

    Accurate content X

    Ability to summarise & paraphrase X

    Needs
    Appropriateness of Language Strong Average
    Review

    Formal//objective style X

    Expands on medical acronyms//case notes X

    Use of signal words//time references X

    Needs
    Control of Linguistic Features Strong Average
    Review

    Verb use: active/passive// present perfect//simple past//verb subject


    X
    agreement

    Use of Articles//pronouns// prepositions//plural/singular form/possessive X

    Sentence structure: compound & complex sentences//balance X

    Word form & choice (nouns//verbs//adjectives//phrasal verbs) : X

    Needs
    Control of Presentation Features Strong Average
    Review

    Letter format X

    Spelling//Capitals//Punctuation X

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