Absent Father Effects Research
Absent Father Effects Research
Absent Father Effects Research
The author wishes to acknowledge the thoughtful consideration of the following colleagues in help-
ing him prepare this paper: Kendall Dudley, John Hubbell, Richard Jacobs, Renda Mott, Jack Stem-
back, and this journal’s anonymous reviewers,
Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Dennis A. Balcom, 124 Harvard
Street. #7A, Brookline, MA 02146-6439; 76220.14738compuserve.com.
The Journal of Men’s Studies, Volume 6, Number 3, Spring 1998, pp. 283-296.
0 1998 by the Men’s Studies Press.All rights reserved.
283
DENNIS
A. BALCOM
doned sons (Arendell, 1993; Blankenhom, 1995; Ilarado, 1993; Kruk, 1992,
1994; Lamb, 1997; Phares, 1992; Sills, 1995).
FATHER ABSENCE
SOCIAL
CONTEXT
cally, some fathers spend more time with their children after divorce than
when they lived full-time with them.
Keshet also reports that some attorneys counsel fathers away from seek-
ing joint custody and that to win custody fathers have to prove the mother
unfit. Other fathers are physically absent through divorce, yet dominate thc
family by breaking agreements regarding visitation or financial support.
Fifty percent of divorced fathers have infrequent contact with their children,
according to Bryant (1997). In cases of previous violence or threats, the
family may still fear him, even thought he no longer has contact with them.
He could be physically absent yet remain central to the family through
myths (Daddy still loves you), secrets (Daddy has another family), or shame
(Daddy was abusive to Mommy).
FAMILY
DYNAMICS
Absent fathers are those who, in the process of leaving the family, do not
offer explanations to their children about the reasons for their departure. The
other dominant attribute of this type of father is that he does not stay in con-
tact with his children or, again, offers reasons for his continuing disconnec-
tion from them. The children thus abandoned feel their fathers are mysteri-
ously, enigmatically, cryptically, or secretively absent.
Contrast this to the father in military service, who tells his children that
he is leaving to perform his duty, maintains ongoing contact through letters
and telephone calls, and informs them of his return date in advance, or the
divorced father who remains in regular contact with his children and has an
ongoing amicable relationship with their mother. These are both physically
absent fathers but not emotionally or psychologically absent.
When a father abdicates responsibility in this way, the mother has to
address the quandary he creates by his absence, and she frequently does this
by attempting to portray the father as still loving his son. This process of the
mother explaining the father to the child is problematic for both the son and
his mother. A common anguished refrain by the son to his father is “Why
did you leave me, too?” The mother, then, bears an unfair burden as she
becomes the recurrent, if misplaced, target of her son’s understandablc rage
at his father. The dominant culture reinforces the message of the silent man
(Ackerman, 1993).
The absent father, by his lack of communication, conveys a powerful,
constricting message to his son to hide his feelings and motives from others.
“The inability of the communicator to send clear messages lays thc ground-
work for the cycle of ambiguity to begin” (Colgan, 1988, p. 76). This, in
turn, frequently inhibits or damages the son-mother relationship.
285
A. BALCOM
DENNIS
Fathers abandon their sons for a variety of reasons: through divorce, death,
absences due to employment or military service, addictions, incarceration,
and chronic physical or mental illness. Society defines some as honorable,
such as a father who is missing in action while in military service. Other rea-
sons are felt as disgracing and stigmatizing, such as a father incarcerated for
embezzlement, or a mentally disturbed one who commits suicide. An absent
father may have a need for adventure or feel unable to meet the require-
ments of his role (Hertog & Sudia, 1971). The father may experience the
son as a rival for the wife’s affection and leave for this reason (Jacobsohn,
1976). Any one or any combination of these occurrences can have a power-
ful impact on the son,
Luepnitz (1988) contends that normal fathering in contemporary Amer-
ica includes some degree of abandonment, and that fathers are normally
absent from family life and from emotional relationships with their sons. Yet
not all sons suffer from this “normal” abandonment. Some men, with or
without treatment, are successful in sustaining intimate relations with wives
and children. The complicating factor that defines the sons presented in this
article is the mystery of their fathers’ absence, rather than the “normative”
absence. The fathers’ absence impairs the sons’ ability to develop and sus-
tain positive self-worth and to form lasting relationships with adult romantic
partners. Men originating from this type of background often experience dif-
ficulties initiating (Bartholomew, 1990) and sustaining (Byng-Hall, 1991)
intimate relationships. How can a boy, matured into adulthood, easily form
intimate bonds with an adult spouse when he lacks any model from his
absent father for emotional intimacy?
Paradoxically, abandoned sons often have intense feelings related to
their absent fathers, typically in one of two variations. The first is emotional
reactivity, characterized by the statement “I’ll never be like him!” The emo-
tion the son experiences is directly caused by his father’s absence. The son’s
reaction leads him to reject the importance of his father. In so doing, he fet-
ters himself to a position of denial and unresolved grief. Until the son
acknowledges his unfulfilled needs and longing for his father, he can remain
in turmoil about himself and his intimate relationships.
The second possible form of emotiona! intensity is over-identification
with the father. In this form, the abandoned son idealizes and worships the
absent father. The son may base his worship on the actual father he experi-
enced, or the fantasy father that he wishes or wished for, in spite of the
father’s apparent lack of contact, interest, commitment, or feelings for his son.
The son creates a fantasy image out of discontinuous pieces of informa-
tion about him (Corneau, 1991).
286
ABSENT
FATHERS
SELF-ESTEEM
AND SHAME
INTIMACYSTRUGGLES
I
roles enacted by their fathe s by being emotionally or physically absent
through excessive work, extr marital affairs, or by devaluing their partners.
They may actually remain in the relationship physically but be emotionally
absent.
Childbirth, especially tha of the first son, is an especially intense transi-
tion for abandoned men. Th new father, missing the model of a nurturing
father himself, may become verwhelmed by the tasks of parenting. In addi-
tion, the man’s own needs immediately become second to the infant’s, a dif-
ficulty that the maturest of fathers have trouble managing at times. This is a
time of great danger for these men and their families. The absence of nurtu-
rance from their fathers leaves some new fathers with a revulsion to nurture
their own children. Unrealistic expectations of the child’s capacities are
often evident. It is sometimes painful for the new father to allow his son or
daughter the freedom to explore the world, arousing as it does his own pain
that emanates from the cryptic loss of his father.
For some men this becomes a time of (re)unification with their father.
Caring for an infant son evokes the losses the abandoned men sustained. The
dual tasks of mourning the father and bonding with the infant can arise. A
desire not to repeat the pattern emerges as a motivation to overcome the loy-
alty binds and shame. Giving to his child what he didn’t receive from his
abandoning father sows unequal portions of pleasure and pain.
TREATMENT
Treatment for these abandoned sons seeks to reduce the mystery in order to
enhance men’s self-esteem and capacity for intimacy. Two types of treat-
ment are possible. The first is with fathers who are available and willing to
re-engage with their sons. The second is with sons whose fathers remain
absent or wounding in extreme ways. Both treatment types have the poten-
tial for healing the wounds of the past and present.
Treatment of abandoned men originates largely from requests by the
female partner for couples therapy, customarily when their relationship is in
crisis. In heterosexual couples, female partners often complain about the
men’s emotional, psychological, and physical distance. The men express
frustration but acknowledge that something deeper is missing in the relation-
ship, These men willingly participate in treatment, with a stated desire for
the relationship to improve and succeed.
I propose a three-tiered approach to treatment that begins by addressing
the immediate crisis with marital therapy techniques (Dym, 1995). The first
step is the cessation of the crisis. Next comes an in-depth focus on the aban-
288
ABSENTFATHERS
GRIEF
WORK
Grief work is a central aspect of the treatment for abandoned sons. Investi-
gating the son’s relationship history will establish that a series of losses have
occurred and how the mourning process has evolved or stopped. Helping an
abandoned son grieve his actual and fantasy losses is perhaps the single
greatest clinical challenge. The losses include the actual father, the ideal or
fantasy father, aspects of childhood and adolescence, and other intimate
relationships.
I invite the son in these initial individual meetings to introduce me vic-
ariously to his father as he has experienced him. Inquiry into the nature of
the father-son relationship will precipitate feelings of anger and sadness for
most men. Asking how the son resembles or is different from his father usu-
ally evokes strong feelings. I ask sons to bring in photographs of their
fathers, of the two of them together, or family portraits, gifts the father have
given to the son bring practical and symbolic meaning into the therapy.
Open grieving goes against individual, family, and cultural imprinting
for men. Grieving feels alien to men, especially allowing others (spouse,
children, father, friends, or therapist) to see the tears, rage, and shame that
are parts of their clandestine, disowned self.
Another aspect of grieving occurs while exploring the family-of-origin
rules imposed on the son. These rules are part of the legacy that binds the
son and inhibits him from being fully intimate. A typical rule in father-
absent families is not to inquire or talk about the father. This mundane rule
of silence further solidifies the societal message for boys not to be emotion-
ally or verbally expressive. Silence within the family about the father may
lead to the unspoken becoming unspeakable, which often evolves into, or
coexists with, shame. Family rules in these types of situations protect the
mysteriously absent father and harm his children and former partner.
One of the difficult aspects of these therapies is that by confronting and
dispelling early family-of-origin rules, the abandoned son may flee both the
treatment and his relationship. The creation of a positive therapeutic alliance
is the foundation upon which the treatment can successfully proceed. The
rage and shame that surface can get misdirected. Labeling these feelings as
part of the absent father problem helps the son clarify and direct them
289
DENNIS A. BALCOM
toward the source. Wives, mothers, and children have too often born the
brunt of men’s misdirected anger. Containing the anger in the therapy gives
the son an added perspective. The therapist can model and set limits regard-
ing appropriate ways to express anger (Cullen & Freeman-Longo, 1995;
Lee, 1993; Weisinger, 1985). The therapist can teach the son assertive meth-
ods to employ with his father and others. Repeated debriefings of the inci-
dents that generate anger for the son reduce the intensity of his rage, an indi-
cation that he is ready to pursue (re)unification.
PREPARATION
FOR (RE)UNIFICATION
FATHER-SON
THERAPY
SESSIONS
Following the preparation, the son invites his father to participate in treat-
ment. In my clinical experience, to date, each invited father has attended a
family of origin meeting with his son, or participated in some type of son-
father treatment. This speaks tu the needs of the absent father as well as the
needs of the son. These therapy sessions typically number between one and
ten, often with as much as a month or more between sessicns, during which
specific relationship assignments are completed.
Headley (1977) offers excellent suggestions in how the therapist and
client can work together to accomplish a successful invitation. This process
focuses on understanding the needs of both generations, conveying in a let-
ter the wish to reunite, and blocks aspects of blame that usually negate
progress.
One principle in worhng with absent fathers is focus on what is within
the son’s power to relate in the ways that he prefers, regardless of the
father’s response. The therapeutic effort is not to change the father. The put-
pose of the treatment is to help the son relate to his absent father in different
and preferred ways. The father is not the focus of change, although the
290
ABSENTFATHERS
ADULTSON/ADULT
FATHER
RELATIONSHIP
Some fathers and sons reconcile. The next task is employing the newfound
intimacy generated in that relationship to help the son. This occurs through
the active development of the adult-to-adult relationship and by the father ’s
sharing of his own experiences.
The enhanced adult son-adult father relationship often requires the son
to make the initial and subsequent moves towards (re)connection with his
29 1
DENNIS
A. BALCOM
father.’ Assessing the benefits to the son occurs in the context of the possible
damage from rewounding. Therapies of all types assume a positive outcome.
This is not always true for sons trying to form intimate relationships with
their fathers.
The usefulness of the father’s stated advice to his adult son is of sec-
ondary importance. The son need not accept or agree with the content. The
effort by the father is his gift to his son. The danger in this stage is that the
father will attempt to dominate or impose his beliefs onto his son. When the
son can continue to assert himself with his father this stage is completed. If
the father is unable to accept his son’s adult decisions, or is invalidating to
his son in other ways, this phase adjourns.
In the unhappy outcomes the fathers reveal their deficits or lack of inter-
est, and the sons of necessity disconnect and say goodbye to them. A second
round of grieving for the abandoned son ensues. The goal is once again to
reduce the mystery of his absent father so the son can appropriately attach in
his current intimate relationship.
At this point in the treatment, the abandoned son is in a better position
to enhance his relationship with his intimate partner. Couples therapy
resumes with the original complaints and goals being addressed.
CASE EXAMPLE
His marital therapist referred Mr. P.,a 34-year-old businessman, for individ-
ual p~ychotherapy.~ Married for five years, he and his wife separated soon
after the birth of Daniel. Mr. P. felt “uneasy” about being a father. While
continuing in marital therapy, he has not reunited with his family. He
reported that he was worried about increased demands on his time, that he
was catching up on things he had missed out on as a child, uncertain about
how to be a father, and missing his wife, whose attention was more focused
on their son. Mr. P. identified “unfinished business” with his father revolv-
ing around feelings of abandonment and anger.
Mr. P. is an only child. When he was six, his father divorced his mother,
left without explanation, and has remained absent without any contact since
then. His mother was the sole supporter of the family, often working two
jobs. Mr. P. was “on his own” and economically self-supporting by age 14.
His initial goal in individual therapy was to understand why he left after
his son was born. He also had a strong desire to reunite with his family. In a
six-month course of treatment, Mr. P. explored his anger toward his father
by talking with his mother, asking questions about his parents’ marriage, his
father’s personality, and what triggered the divorce. He reviewed photos of
his father, noticing the physical similarities. He also began a journal of let-
ters addressed to his father in which he was able to express his longing, his
questions, his anger and frustration, most poignantly expressed in one letter
292
FATHERS
ABSENT
SUMMARY
The consequence of father absence reveals its damage when the son
attempts to form and sustain an adult intimate relationship. At each develop-
mental stage, the abandoned son typically experiences relationship difficul-
ties that propel him into treatment, usually at the behest of his spouse. Treat-
ment focuses on the reduction of mystery regarding his absent father. This
process entails grieving and (re)unification with his father. Following the
grieving and reduction of mystery, the son is in a more wholesome position
to succeed in his intimate relationship.
NOTES
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