Avoiding Toxic Relationships in Recovery

Avoiding Toxic Relationships in Recovery
Navigating one’s way through intimate relationships can be difficult

regardless of one’s circumstances. Marital and long-term intimate
relationships must go through major reconstruction during recovery or
face collapsing. This reconstruction often involves healing past wounds
to the relationship, redefining role responsibilities, altering daily rituals of
communication, and developing new patterns of sexual intimacy. It also
involves shedding self-defeating patterns of speaking and acting toward
one another that have often become deeply ingrained during the addiction
years.
Here are six principles and prescriptions that might be of help.
1. Individual healing must precede relationship healing. Encourage your

partner to get help for herself or himself via counseling or participation in
groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon so that he or she can relearn to trust,
forgive past injuries, and resist the urge to control your recovery efforts.
2. The very thing everyone has been hoping and praying for—
RECOVERY—can threaten an intimate relationship. Because of all the
feelings and patterns of behaviors that developed during the addiction
years, the adjustment to recovery can exert great strain on intimate and
family relationships. Expect such strain. It is a normal part of the
recovery process.
3. Relational healing takes time. Remind yourselves to be patient with

one another through this process. All that is wrong with the relationship
does not reverse itself the moment recovery begins. The relationship must
recover also, and this will proceed, like personal recovery, in ebbs and
flows over time.
4. Relational healing may require outside professional help. Such help

may increase the prospects of successful recovery and the prospects of
salvaging the relationship.
6. Some relationships are not salvageable in recovery. In spite of the best

efforts of those involved, not all intimate relationships will survive the
recovery process. When it is clear a relationship will not survive, find a
way to disengage from the relationship with as little damage to all
involved. This disengagement process may also require outside
professional help.
For those entering recovery not in a committed relationship, there are

the twin pitfalls of getting involved in another relationship too quickly
and getting involved in relationships that are destructive to your personal
health, safety and recovery. These pitfalls can be a particular problem for
those who have come out of a turbulent family background or who have a
history of stormy relationships. The process of selecting intimate partners
is complicated by assortative mating.
Assortative mating is the process through which we select intimate
partners based on similarities or differences with ourselves. This is a
natural process, but can get complicated when we’ve developed a pattern
of picking individuals who mirror our own destructive processes.
Selecting partners that consistently mirror our own problems or abuse
and/or abandon us brings chaos and emotional distress to an already
fragile situation—early recovery. Needless to say, the drama and
disruption of such relationships can undermine the most sincere recovery
efforts.
Here are some suggested guidelines that may be of help.
1. Inventory your past relationships. Are there common patterns to how

these relationships begin and end? Are you drawn to partners that also
have severe alcohol and/or other drug problems? Do you seem to be
drawn to a particular type of partner that ends up hurting you emotionally
or physically? Does it feel like you keep re-enacting the same painful
dramas in your life?
2. Define your pattern of vulnerability in relationships. It is good to get to

know yourself as a person in recovery before getting into new
relationships. Based on the above inventory, complete the following
sentence: I need to avoid getting into relationships with individuals who
_____________________________________________.
3. Define early warning signs. It may be helpful to work with a counselor
or others who have had similar relationship problems.
Warning signs that tell me I want to avoid starting a relationship with

someone.
1. ___________________________________________________
2. ____________________________________________________
3. ____________________________________________________
4. _____________________________________________________
5. _____________________________________________________
Early warning signs that tell me I need to get out of a relationship that has
begun
1. ___________________________________________________
2. ____________________________________________________
3. ____________________________________________________
4. _____________________________________________________
5. _____________________________________________________
4. Consider remaining out of a serious relationship through your early

months of recovery. This is one way to avoid “jumping from the frying
pan into the fire.” Early recovery requires enormous energy. This is a
time requiring a great deal of focus on yourself. If you are not in a serious
relationship, consider this as a “time-out” period to get yourself together.
5. Define what you do want in a relationship. Complete the following
sentence.
What I am seeking in a relationship is a man or woman who has the
following characteristics:
1. ___________________________________________________
2. ____________________________________________________
3. ____________________________________________________
4. _____________________________________________________
5. _____________________________________________________
5. Seek a relationship coach (a counselor, friend or peer in recovery) to

guide you through your first relationships in recovery.
6. If you find your old relationship pattern continuing, get into a long-term
therapy relationship that focuses on breaking this pattern.
7. Assertively manage your own safety and the safety of your children at
all times.

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What are some principles for healing relationships in recovery?

What are some pitfalls to avoid when entering a new relationship in recovery?

Avoiding Toxic Relationships in Recovery

Navigating one’s way through intimate relationships can be difficult

Here are six principles and prescriptions that might be of help.

1. Individual healing must precede relationship healing. Encourage your

3. Relational healing takes time. Remind yourselves to be patient with

4. Relational healing may require outside professional help. Such help

6. Some relationships are not salvageable in recovery. In spite of the best

For those entering recovery not in a committed relationship, there are

Here are some suggested guidelines that may be of help.

1. Inventory your past relationships. Are there common patterns to how

2. Define your pattern of vulnerability in relationships. It is good to get to

Warning signs that tell me I want to avoid starting a relationship with

4. Consider remaining out of a serious relationship through your early

5. Seek a relationship coach (a counselor, friend or peer in recovery) to

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