Table of Contents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
When Do Adventurers Go To The Bathroom?. . . . . 2
Dirty Adventurers Aren’t Lucky . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
Paladins And Cleanliness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
The Dentist & Teeth: Smile When You Say That? . . 2
Effects of Magic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Spells . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Level 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Illusionary Teeth (Illusion) Reversible. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Level 2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Bud (Necromancy) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Level 3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Smash Teeth (Invocation) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Level 4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Create Tooth (Necromancy) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Clerics And Waste . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
State-of-the-art Waste Disposal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
A Monster That Keeps The House Clean. . . . . . . . . . 4
Scrubble (Scrubbing) Bubbles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
Magic-items . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Even A Mage Does Laundry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Cantrips. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Story Book Theater. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
Special Thanks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6


 

 Paladin does not need to “go” at all. Once a year, the paladin
must make a system shock or explode from the boughs for 1d20





points of damage.
Paladin urinates pure holy water.

There are two forms of waste to consider with regard to standard

beings (i.e. humans, dwarves, elves, halflings, gnomes, etc.). These
forms are liquid and solid. When a person must excrete waste is de-







pend on Constitution and sex. Multiple the person’s Constitution to
the multiplier from Table 1 to get the number of hours apart the per-
 




son goes to the bathroom.
This rule assumes that the person is consuming a normal quanti-
ty of food and drink. A dehydrated person or staving person will not
be producing waste as quickly. Furthermore, a person eating and
When a character reaches the young-adult age, he will have 30
drinking a lot may go twice as much. Therefore, the GM should make teeth, and must check every year (10% accumulative) to grow the
appropriate adjustments.
wisdom teeth. When growing the new teeth, the character will have
A person may wish to go to the bathroom at a certain time. To do
-1 “to hit” due to pain for 2 weeks.
this, a normal Constitution check is made. Females get a +1 modifier. Also, a character must check every month (5% accumulative) for
This check can be made once every three turn.
lost 1d4-1 teeth because of tooth-decay, being hit in the face to of-
Alternatively, a person may wish to postpone going to the bath-
ten, etc.. The following constitution and racial modifiers apply:
room. To do this a normal Constitution check is made. Males get a +1
modifier. This check can be made once every three turn. Of course,
Table 2: Constitution Modifiers
there is some discomfort in this state and the character suffers the
following: -1 to hit, -1 Dexterity, -1 Strength, -2 on all saves. Constitution Modifier (*)
03 +3
Table 1: Multiplier 04-05 +2
Males Females 06-08 +1

Liquid x .5 x .25 09-12 0

Solid x .1 x .5 13-15 -1
16-17 -2
18 -3
Due to many hands-on experience of women, it was decided
that females usually go to the bathroom twice as much as males. For
those that disapprove of this, they can adjust the rules accordingly.

Table 3: Racial Modifiers




 Race
Elf
Modifiers (*)
-3


  Half-Elf
Dwarf
-2
-2
Halfling -1
Sure adventurers are great heroes that trek through the lands
Gnome -1
facing great challenges in monsters, dungeons, and deities. But ad-
venturing is a dirty job, and few tough adventurers have the desire to Human 0
bath on a regular basis. In fact, many wear the same yechy clothes Half-orc +1
day after day. But does this have an effect on there adventures? Half-ogre +2
For each day after the 1st day an adventurer goes unbathed, he/ Orc +2
she suffers the following cumulative effects: Goblin +3
Ogre +4 except canines (-1)
-2 comeliness Troll +8 doesn’t care, teeth will
-1 to charisma grow back

all creatures get +5% tracking bonus when searching for adven-
turer
Table 4: Possible Living Conditions Modifiers

 
  
Condition Modifier
clean -2
brushes -2


fibrous food -1
heavy combat +1
Some GMs may allow paladins to have some special abilities with infected tooth +2
regard to cleanliness. Below is a list of abilities. The GM may allow the tropics +1
paladin to have only one ability OR allow the paladin to gain an abil- drinks a lot +1
ity every 3 levels (one at 3rd level, one at 6th level, etc.). tongue pierced +1
goopy food +2
Abilities
dirty +2
Paladin has an anti-dirt aura.
Paladin gives off a natural flowery scent.
(*) also accumulative.


 If a check fails, the toothache will begin and the character will Duration: Instantaneous
have -2 to hit until the tooth/teeth has/have been extracted, other- Area of Effect: One tooth
wise the tooth/teeth will fall in 1d4 weeks. Save: None
If the GM wishes, he have bad teeth effect a character’s charisma.
-1 on charisma for every 10 teeth lost. -1 on comeliness for every 5 Bud creates a new tooth bud under the gum of a willing creature.
teeth lost. 01% accumulative chance of spell failure per teeth lost (up A new, healthy tooth will grow from the tooth bud, but will inflict the
to a maximum of 32%, of course). same penalties as a wisdom tooth while it does so. (“No pain, no
Unlike the real-world, the job of the dentist is performed by the gain.”)
shaver (yes... the shaver). With the shaver being in charge of dentist-
ry, no wonder the population had bad teeth if any at all. A shaver will
only extract teeth, and does not handle dental care. ( ),
Paladins will always have beauty and shinning teeth. Paladins
never make checks. On the other hand, barbarians must make twice
as many checks.  

Bards don’t gain immunity like paladins because they aren’t
magical in nature. Bards make checks like any other class. Bards do Level: 3
have spells so the can possible enhance their smile this way (see be- Range: 15 feet per level
low). Duration: Instantaneous
Area of Effect: One person
Save: Negates
 !"#$%&'! This spell allows a mage to knock out the teeth of a creature. If
All Cure Wounds will only kill the pain for 1d4 days. Cure Disease the subject fails a save vs. spells, the subject has one tooth per caster
and Heal will cure the teeth/tooth, but previous lost teeth will not be level knocked out with great force (and great pain). A successful save
recovered. Regenerate will cure and restore all teeth. means no teeth were lost.
The material component is any heavy blunt object (a staff, mace,
brass knuckles, etc), and the somatic component is swinging the ob-


ject.

Level 1 ( )-
Illusionary Teeth

Level 2     


Bud Level: 4
Range 10 feet per level
Level 3 Duration: Instantaneous
Smash Teeth Area of Effect: One tooth
Save: None
Level 4
Create Tooth Create Tooth instantly creates a new tooth, in the place of a miss-
ing one. The tooth grows back instantly, without pain.
The material component is either a tooth from a member of the
( )* same race, or a tooth made out of gold or pearl.


 
    



Level: 1
Range: 10 feet per level Some clerics may cast Purify Food & Drink on waste. Well, this
Duration: 2 hours per level spell can be cast on solid and liquid waste. If a character wants to eat
Area of Effect: One mouth or drink this cleansed waste, then he/she must make a system shock
Save: Negates or vomit. No further attempts can be made to eat or drink it again.

This spell creates the illusion of a mouth full of healthy teeth. The
illusion is visual only, a toothless hag cannot click her teeth together
"%" $". %/"%#" '#0$#%)
with this spell.
The reverse of this spell, Lost Teeth, creates the illusion that the “Yeah, waste disposal is my specialty. It’s been my life for over 40
recipient has many diseased and disgusting teeth, bleeding gums, years. I’ve worked my way up from a young sewer cleaner to Master
and many missing teeth. The victim’s Charisma is reduced by one Guildsman of The Sewers Union. I’ve seen just about everything with
point, and Comeliness (if used) drops by four points. A save vs. spells regards to waste disposal. Some of it’s fascinating, some of its dis-
will prevent this spell from taking effect. gusting, but all of it serves a purpose: To Keep Our City Clean.
A mark of a thoughtful architect is an adequate waste system. An
old saying in the Builders’ Guild is ’Sure its nice on the outside, but
( )+ where do ya shit?’
I’ve been in cities where there wasn’t much of anything. People
would throw there waste into the street gutters and wait until the
  
 rain washes it away. This form of waste disposal (if you can call it that)
is very primitive. Besides being gross, it is extremely dangerous. Cit-
Level: 2 ies with poor waste disposal facilities end up with sickness, illness,
Range: 10 feet per level and plaques.


 Most cities have the standard sewer system of pipes, drains, and spells can turn the waste to stone, thereby giving a valuable natural
cisterns where water flows through carrying waste to far away resource.
streams and rivers. Unfortunately, this pollutes the waterways. Fortu- Some waste disposal systems aren’t what they seem to be. A few
nate cities have underground waterways where they can dump their times, I’ve come across a water weird hiding in the water. Plumbing
load. The only creatures that could be affected are the dreaded un- sure ain’t what it used to be. However, I’ve come across valuable stuff
derworld monsters (but who cares). too. Toilets make excellent hiding places for treasure (kept in a water-
I’ve seen a plumbing system used by elves in which a waterfall tight container). Whose going to search a toilet?
was routed into a castle. Then the water goes through a magic water Well, I hope you better understand waste disposal. I gotta go
purifier. Those elves are rich with magic. back down to the underworld of THE SEWERS. See ya!”
There is one lawful good city in which clerics purify the waste be- Miren Tihsecaf
fore it is departed into open waterways. Supposedly, this works well
and is better than nothing, but I’m sure its expensive (monetary and
religiously).
I once entered a town which was utterly filthy. It consisted basi- 







 
cally of one main street in which all rubbish and refuse was dumped
in the street... it stunk. A resident high level wizard got absolutely fed
up with it all one day, and designed, with the help of clerics with cre-
ate water spells and permanency spells 6 huge containers of water at
the top end of town. Early every morning, after the waste had been     
thrown on the street, the containers would magically release their
water, causing a gigantic wave flowing down the street, cleaning it, CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any
and carrying it out of the city and splashing into the nearby river. A FREQUENCY: Rare
few lives were lost at first, but it soon just became routine. ORGANIZATION:Solitary
Speaking of nutty mages, one small village had this neat freak, ACTIVITY CYCLE: Any
high level mage who believed his sole purpose in life was to disinte- DIET: Any
grate garbage. He of course charged a fee to the city village for his INTELLIGENCE:Non- (0)
services, but it still was a interesting sanitation business (I believe the TREASURE: Nil
name was “Waste Away”). ALIGNMENT: Nil
Some cities access great magical power and have there waste NO. APPEARING: 1 (1-4)
deported through gates to the elemental planes of water, air, or fire. ARMOR CLASS: 10 (what’d ya think bubbles would be)
The only problem is that an occasional unhappy visitor from an ele- MOVEMENT: 12
mental plane will come out of the gate to reek havoc. HIT DICE: 5
For personal waste systems, the norm is a latrine (hole in the THAC0: 10
ground) that connects to the nearest sewer system. Latrines can be NO. OF ATTACKS: 1
found inside or outside; the latter being preferred because of the DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1d4
smell. Some houses prefer chamber pots that can be used indiscreet- SPECIAL ATTACKS: See below
ly inside and then dumped into the sewers. The best chamber pots SPECIAL DEFENSES: See below
are found in the rich metropolitan areas. They actually teleport their MAGIC RESISTANCE: Nil
acquired waste products to the local sewers where it can be taken SIZE: S-L (3’-8’)
care of by some lower class workers. The really expensive chamber MORALE: Special
pots have a permanent disintegrate spell in it that disposes of waste XP VALUE: 500
properly.
Many nasty things feed off of waste. Some brilliant people culti- Scrubble Bubbles were created by a wizard who wanted to keep
vate the growth of these creatures as a means of waste disposal. The his dungeon clean, but didn’t want to work at it. Scrubble Bubbles
use of oozes, slimes, and jellies is one of the most popular forms of are composed of groups of cell colonies that scurry around getting
waste disposal; especially with the rich. Ochre jelly isn’t very popular rid of dirt and grime. They have the ability to analyze material struc-
because it has the ability to travel on walls and ceilings. Ochre jelly is ture from a distance of up to 60 feet to determine if something is
usually used in large subterranean areas where few people move and dirty. They attack filth on sight, so weary adventurers better watch
total annihilation of everything everywhere is desired. Gray ooze is out.
more popular with toilets because it cannot climb walls and give a Scrubble Bubbles are immune to acid, cold, and poison. Lighten-
user an unpleasant surprise. Care must be taken with gray ooze be- ing bolts and blows from weapons divide them into smaller groups
cause it tends to reproduce and gray ooze toilets must keep the ooze of bubbles, each able to attack exactly as the original. Fire causes
at a safe level. Crystal ooze is more popular then gray ooze because double damage, as do magic missiles. They can be dissuaded with
of its clear and thus “cleaner looking” color. Crystal ooze is also home large volumes of water.
in water which allows the toilets to have a cleaner nature to them. Scrubble Bubbles can roam through cracks that are at least one
However, the same precautions taken with gray ooze reproduction inch wide and can travel on ceilings and walls at the same speed as
are necessary with crystal ooze. Green slime is the least popular due on a level surface.
to its fast growth and dangerous being. Combat: Scrubble Bubbles are more an annoyance than any-
A gelatinous cube is by far the most sheik waste disposal. Its thing else, but they can be painful. Upon encountering a creature like
square shape is preferred over other jellies and oozes since the an adventurer, Scrubble Bubbles will seep in though armor and
square shape does not allow it to slither into other areas in which it is CLEAN! The sensation is not unlike being attacked with a million stiff
not desired. A gelatinous cube is usually placed in a hole and kept toothbrushes that inflicts the 1d4 points of abrasive damage.
from moving while drains empty all waste onto it. Some places allow Scrubble Bubbles may also secrete a mild acid to get rid of tough
the cube to roam in corridors beneath the dwelling where it can stains. If they use it on a living being, the creature will suffer 2d4
gather waste. Even some communities have employed a cube to points of damage.
roam the sewer systems. Habit/Society: They are usually found in closed passageways
Puddings are another interesting form of waste disposal. They and rooms, and roam about dungeons cleaning walls, floors, and fur-
are more destructive than oozes, slimes, and jellies but they can live niture.
easier in harsh climates. Thus, there value for waste disposal is there. Ecology: They reproduce by fission. They adapted to live in a
Many spells are useful in waste manipulation. Fire based spells wide variety of climates. Scrubble Bubbles starting with 11-30% of
will break down waste, but will create terrible air pollution. Some maximum possible hit points are 3 feet to 4 feet in diameter; with 31-
50% of full hit points are 5 feet wide; with 51-70% of full hit points, 6


feet wide; with 71-90% of full hit points, 7 feet wide; with 91-100% of Toilet of the Gods - A commode for the rich and famous. The
full hit points, 8 feet wide. If Scrubble Bubbles are split up so it be- most stupendous commode you will ever encounter. Belongs only to
comes less than 3 feet wide, it becomes thinner but retains its 3-foot the rich and powerful, very immobile. First off, it has working plumb-
diameter. ing. Also, a full wet bar, a magazine rack with every periodical from
The only things Scrubble Bubbles consume are water and soap. the plane it rests in, heavenly music filling the air, air freshener, and
an infinite amount of silken toilet paper. All solid waste matter turns
to gold when it hits the water, but retains texture and smell. Urine



changes color and smell to that of expensive wine.

Breeches of the Wu Pi - These breeches appear as ordinary, drab,

everyday breeches. They are usually brown. However, they radiate a 
 
faint magic dweomer. If an adventurer puts these on, nothing imme-
diately happens. If the wearer sits down, however, the breeches 
erupt with a loud raspberry sound that continues for a full round. Any
person within a 10’ radius of the sitting wearer (including the wearer) Here is the laundry list of cantrips, of the most mysterious and
will be struck with the urge to snigger, then laugh, then guffaw ex- powerful secret magical college known as the Most Righteous Cere-
actly as if the spell Tasha’s Uncontrollable Hideous Laughter had mony of the Grand Lodge of Thirteen Stars and Kal-Gon’s Scrubbing
been cast. The breeches may be not be removed except with a Re- Bubbles Too III, known (by those who dare) as the August College of
move Curse spell. Lacing may be done and undone normally to allow Laundry Magics.
for bodily functions. These cantrips are somewhat dangerous if used as an offensive
weapon so GMs should be careful in giving them out. Remember
Gel of Polishing - This gel comes in two forms: magical and non- there from a powerful college of magic.
magical. The magical gel cures all damaged teeth, and prevents There are two places that must be known before looking over
tooth loss for one month, for each use. Deliberate extraction is not the cantrips. They are:
prevented by the gel. Each vial contains 2d4 applications. Only one
application need be used each month. Planar Gate to Dimension of Other Socks -- Little is known of
The non-magical version improves the character’s chances of this dimension. Access to it is one of the most ardently desired prizes
keeping his/her teeth by 5% per check. One application must be for magical researchers, and while gates to this dimension have, on a
used every other day for the beneficial effects to take place. The cost few occasions, opened spontaneously, little was learned except for
per vial is 30 gold pieces for 10 applications. the absolute requirement for the traveler to this dimension to shield
Jawbreaker - This cursed item tends to resemble any sweet his nose from the vile odor of a universe filled with moldy, unwashed
item, like cookies, pastries, but the most common form is some type Other Socks, stiff with perspiration and toe-jam.
of candy. When chewed on, the Jawbreaker causes 1d6+1 teeth to be Planar Gate to Dimension of Wire Hangers -- little is known of
cracked, causing double the amount of pain (double all penalties) this dimension. It *must* be extremely unpleasant judging from the
until they are extracted or fall out. The damaged teeth cannot be quantity of wire hangers which flee to our dimension from it.
healed, but may be regrown. Once the teeth are cracked, the Jaw-
breaker loses all magic, and tastes like rancid meat.
Parchment of Mail-order Catalog - This is a rolled up piece of
parchment with obscure writing and (mayhem) pictures. Intended to
%1"/'0#
be used like toilet paper, this paper is covered with undecipherable Ancient Chinese Secret -- The veil of mystery which cloaks this
writings, and has the consistency of modern sandpaper (or what cantrip of legendary, godlike power from modern research has only
passes for toilet paper at certain colleges). The person who uses it in parted enough to reveal to magical historians the single magical
the normal way (and on himself) suffers 1 hp of damage and until it word, “Kal-Gon”, which adorns the official secret name of this most
is healed, must save vs. spells every time he sits down and every mysterious of magical orders. What does it mean?
round while sitting, or s/he will stand up. Using it on a non-willing Banish Other Sock -- Note: There are two sorts of socks, the Self
subject who is not tied down or an infant requires a to-hit roll at -10 Sock, and the Other Sock. The difference is a mysterious one, but real
(or worse if the target is wearing armor), and anyone seeing you try nonetheless. The Self Sock, A.K.A. Sock, is native to our universe, and
this will think you’re a pervert. the Other Sock native to an Other universe. This cantrip known as
Pearly Whites - Under casual inspection, these appear to be Banish Other Sock sends Other Socks back to the dimension from
nothing more than normal pearls, but perfectly spherical. If kept in which they came. It is believed that an awesome magical fumble in
contact with exposed flesh for more than two rounds, or if they come the misty depths of ancient prehistory caused this mighty Curse to
in contact with any kind of food or drink (excluding water), the pearls be cast permanently upon our entire universe. Luckily, the spell has
will change into the crowns of teeth. If chewed on, the Pearly Whites decayed enough so that it does not always take effect immediately
will replace one tooth per pearl. New teeth can be lost through nor- when one obtains an Other Sock. Still, the inevitable nature of this
mal means. There will be 1d8+1 Pearly Whites found at any one time. Great Curse is beyond doubt.
Scabbard of Godliness (sounds better than cleanliness) - A pal- Banish Wire Hanger -- This cantrip sends wire hangers back to
adin was fanatical about cleanliness (it’s next to godliness you know) the dimension from which they came.
and hated the mess that was made and the hassle he had to go Bleach -- This cantrip covers laundry with a mild (not really) alka-
through when cleaning his blade after a particularly nasty battle. So line solution which leaves it looking really white and clean, no matter
he commissioned a mage to create this. what color it started out. Any unfortunate person wearing the laun-
This is a scabbard which was constructed for a long sword. It is dry when the spell takes effect will be similarly affected, with hair,
more or less unremarkable, as most scabbards are, but will radiate skin, and teeth turned as white as the pillsbury (tm) dough boy (tm),
faint magic if detected. The scabbards power is this - any sword and eyes and mucous membranes irritated to pink tenderness by the
which is sheathed within it comes out absolutely clean, shiny and bleach, to the tune of 1d6 noxious chemical (acid) damage.
spotless. The scabbard magically removes blood, dirt, rust and any Dry Clean -- This cantrip presses fine clothes and steams them
other muck. with a noxious chemical. Any schnook so unfortunate as to be wear-
No doubt some players will think this would be great way to ing the laundry when this happens takes 2d6 damage from being
clean up hundreds of years old weapons, which are rusted, pitted, stamped flat by an industrial strength mousetrap and save vs. poison
etc.. But remember, that the scabbard REMOVES the muck, so the or take an additional 3d6 damage from the poisonous, noxious
rust is removed, which may, in may cases, take away the only thing chemicals.
that was holding the blade together.


 Hang Dry -- This cantrip snaps clothes dry and hangs them on a
steel core wire, securing them with hat pins and five pound alligator




clips. Any unfortunate so unlucky as to be wearing the affected laun-
dry takes 2d6 from strangulation on the wire and 1d6 from being I have a character who is an elven swanmay. Because she moves
clamped and pinned. faster than the rest of the party when in swan form, she was the first
Launder -- This cantrip soaps, soaks, scrubs and spins clothes. to reach an evil cleric who was attempting to resurrect a dead drag-
Anyone so unfortunate as to be wearing the affected laundry takes on. He was painting holy symbols on the skull. Desperate to disrupt
1d6 damage from abrasion and irritating detergents and is dizzy and the casting as quickly as possible without getting too close, I told the
nauseated for 20 - constitution rounds. GM that Sasha would fly over the skull and pee on it to ruin the paint
Press and Fold -- This cantrip presses and folds all clothing in (Gross, but it was the fastest thing I could think of and our GM doesn’t
the area of effect. Any poor, unlucky slob caught within the targeted allow debates).
laundry takes 4d6 damage from being smashed flat, scorched, and Randi at I.U.
folded.
Remove Tough Stain (A.K.A. Shout it Out!) -- This cantrip Cleanliness was a really big thing with one group I played in
drenches laundry in detergent, scrubbing it with brushes and lava many years ago. This was just a minor quirk of that particular party
soap, then covers with another layer of detergent and sprays it with until one gaming session when a thunderstorm started. Quickly
a high pressure stream of ice-cold water. Any unfortunate caught in thinking, we decided this was a great opportunity to clean up - we’d
the laundry will take 2d6 damage from the irritating detergent and been out for several weeks and hadn’t had a good bath for a while.
frigid ice-water, will be left soaking wet, and make a Constitution So off went the duds (we were an all female group - actually all fe-
check - 4 or catch the grippe. males playing too!) and we commenced cleaning. We took our time,
Sort by Color -- This cantrip gathers laundry and sorts it into so the GM rolled for a random encounter. Whoa! A half-dozen bore
piles, one pile for light clothes, one pile for brightly colored clothes, beetles! Boy were we trashed! We all survived, but we were certainly
and one pile for dark clothes. Anybody so unfortunate as to be wear- more careful and when and where we took our showers!
ing the laundry at the time will be stripped and placed in the appro- Vicki <Morgaine>
priate color pile (colors if embarrassed, because he would be red).
Sort Socks -- This cantrip piles socks into two piles, one for The only time I’ve ever come across a toilet in an adventure was
Socks, and one for Other Socks. In our universe, cursed by the vile in an Ogre chief’s castle. It consisted of a wooden bench placed upon
curse of Other Sock Banishment, the pile of Other Socks has a 75% the edge of a deep pit, at the bottom of which was a green slime
chance of being banished en masse. Any unfortunate caught wear- which absorbed the waste.
ing socks in the area of effect will be stripped of one sock and left However, this was in reality a trap. The Chief had a trusted guard
with another one. There is a 50% chance that the Other Sock will be hidden in a secret closet opposite the seat. If anyone crossed the
stripped from his feet and a 50% chance that it is the sock that re- Chief then he would tell the guard. Then when that person next used
mains upon him. If anyone should be so unlucky as to be wearing his the device the guard would pull a lever, the bench would hinge back
Other Sock when it is banished as a result of this spell, he will be sent and slam into the pit wall pitching the poor unfortunate victim 60 ft.
to the Dimension of Other Socks, there to die a most horrible death down into the pit as fodder for the green slime.
by asphyxiation and/or poisoning (save vs poison, if you fail you die, If the victim managed to hang on to the bench somehow then
if you save you fall into a coma until rescued). the guard would venture out and clobber them until he fell. The
Starch -- This cantrip covers laundry with a noxious chemical so- Chief’s shaman kept the slime at bay with the occasional fireball or
lution, and pounds it with 16 ton weights, leaving it flat and stiff as a two to keep it nice and small.
steel plate. Any unlucky stiff so misfortune as to be wearing the laun- Steve, Darkheart
dry will take 4d6 damage from being crushed by large, heavy objects,
and will be left unable to move because of joint-lock and overall stiff-
ness.
Summon Other Sock -- This cantrip summons the matching
 


Other Sock to a Sock from the dimension in which Other Socks reside.
Anyone currently wearing the summoned Other Sock will also be Morgan Blackheart the Chaotic for his Breeches of the Wu Pi.
summoned as a side effect of this powerful ritual. Gordon Burditt for his Parchment of Mail-order Catalog.
Summon Wire Hanger -- This cantrip summons a wire hanger Joe Delisle for his items: Gel of Polishing, Pearly Whites, Jaw-
from the terrible dimension in which they dwell. A backfire with this breaker. Also, the dentist spells in the spell section.
spell, similar to the Great Curse of Banishment of the Other Sock, is Sethan Dreagothe for his dentist modifiers.
believed to be the second Great Curse of our universe. Carlos Fernando for the section entitled “The Dentist & Teeth:
Take Out the Laundry -- Upon completion of this short ritual Smile When You Say That?”
several skinny demonic figures materialize and stuff all the laundry in High Imperceptor Tyrus Hellbane for a small edition to the fic-
the area of effect into large canvas laundry bags. They then give the tional story about waste disposal.
master one ticket per bag and require a payment of three “bucks” per Loren Miller for the laundry section.
bag (successful bargaining will bring this down to two and a half Elf Sternberg for his Elf’s GameBook from which I took the idea of
“bucks” per bag). Any poor slobs caught in the area of effect are Scrubbing Bubbles and modified into my own 2nd edition monster.
stuffed into bags, one person per bag, taking 1d6 of pummeling Brian Palmer for his Toilet of the Gods.
damage, and must roll versus constitution or fall unconscious from
the lack of air. They will wake up later in the local hospital unable to
remember “wha’appen’?”
Tumble Dry -- This cantrip spins clothes while slapping them
against large, flat stones and blasting them with air as hot as a steel
furnace. Furs and other fine clothing will be ruined by this treatment,
as will anyone still wearing the affected clothes, who takes 2d6 dam-
age from the intense heat and large, flat stones.