LIKE I SAID

by

Jolyon White

Jolyon White
jolyon89@gmail.com
+447731535351
INT. LIVING ROOM -DAY

We see JOHN, late 30s/ early 40s shuffling around his

living room. He is on the phone. There are a few kids toys
scattered on the floor but no kids in sight. The TV is on
in the background but you can’t make out what’s on.

PRE-RECORDED FEMALE
VOICE
So we can get you to where you
need to be. I will need to know
why you are calling today. So in a
few words, what’s the reason for
your call.

JOHN
Cancel broadband.

PRE-RECORDED FEMALE
VOICE
Did you say broadband, is that
right?

JOHN
Yes.

PRE-RECORDED FEMALE
VOICE
Would you like to hear our
broadband options?

JOHN
No, I just want to canc...

PRE-RECORDED FEMALE
VOICE
[voice cuts in] ​Did you say check
my bill?

JOHN
No. I clearly...[annoyed sigh]

PRE-RECORDED FEMALE
VOICE
OK in a few words, what is the
reason for your call?

JOHN
Ca-an-cel bro-oad-band.
 PRE-RECORDED FEMALE
VOICE
To make a payment or check your
bill, press 1. For anything else
it’s 2.

We hear a beep as JOHN presses the number 2

button.

John starts tapping his foot on the floor.

He is clearly getting more and more
frustrated.

PRE-RECORDED FEMALE
VOICE
Please hold whilst we connect you
to someone who can help.

Irritating pop music plays down the line.

PRE-RECORDED FEMALE
VOICE
Due to a high volume of calls - it
will take us a bit longer to put
you through. But you don’t have to
wait, we are always improving our
website. So it is even quicker for
you to manage your account, view
your bills, make a payment, and
much more online at Surf Surf
forward slash my account. Or if
you’d like to talk it through with
us first.

Please hold.

JOHN rolls his eyes and gently kicks a round

kids toy into the corner of the living room.

JOHN
[says to himself]​ Really?

PRE-RECORDED FEMALE
VOICE
And because we are always trying
to get better at what we do we
record our calls for quality and
training purposes.

The phone starts ringing.

 JOHN
[says to himself] ​Finally...

INT. LIVING ROOM/ CALL CENTRE - DAY

The screen splits and we reveal HAYLEY - mid

to late 30s sitting behind a desk in a call
centre. We now see both JOHN and HAYLEY side
by side in a SPLIT SCREEN each in their own
different locations.

HAYLEY
Hello, welcome to Surf Surf, you
are through to Hayley, how can I
help you?

JOHN
Look, I just want to canc...

HAYLEY
[cuts in]​ Sorry sir. Can we start
from the top?

Can I have your name please?

JOHN
John Owen.

HAYLEY
Is that John with ‘h’ or just with
an ‘n’.

JOHN
With a ‘h’.

HAYLEY
Ah wonderful, I’ve got your
details here Mr Ow-wen. Let me go
ahead and pull up the account for
you first.

Can you confirm the first line of

address and postcode?

JOHN
[huffs]​ 26 South Street, BN17 26U

HAYLEY
That’s great, thank you.
 JOHN
Now can I canc…

HAYLEY
[Cuts in]​ And what is the last two
digits of your bank account that
we have on the system.

We see JOHN fumbling through his wallet to

find his bank card. A couple of cards fall
out his wallet on the floor. He is clearly
getting very frustrated.

JOHN
[still huffing] ​5 and 8.

HAYLEY
That’s great, thank you very much
for that.

My name is Hayley.

So what is the reason for your

call today?

JOHN
[takes a deep breath in]​ I want to
cancel my bloody broadband.

[gritted teeth]​ Please.

HAYLEY
So why is it that you are looking
to leave us.

JOHN
I would just like to cancel my
broadband.

HAYLEY
I’m sorry to hear that you wish
to leave us, sir.

JOHN
Look I just want to cancel,
I found a better deal.

HAYLEY
I can try and match your deal sir.
 JOHN
Does your deal come with GT
sports?

HAYLEY
No sir we don’t offer but we...

JOHN
Exactly, so I just want to cancel.

HAYLEY
Of course sir but before we go
ahead and cancel your contract can
we offer you the exclusive Easter
deal for existing customers only,
with an added 6 months free line
rental.

We hear a voice, ALICE, JOHN’S wife, also

late 30s/ early 40s, shouting down from
upstairs.

ALICE
Can you get washing out? You
aren’t still on the phone?

JOHN looks towards the stairs - opens his

mouth to respond but he shakes his head and
takes another deep breath but decides to
carry on talking on the phone instead.

JOHN
[gritted teeth]​ Like I said - I’ve
found a better deal so just get on
with it. You are starting to piss
me off.

HAYLEY
Are you sure sir?

JOHN
[mimics her voice sarcastically]
Are you sure sir?

Yes for Christ’s sake, I'm sure.

Just cancel it. Are you stupid?
HAYLEY looks a bit taken aback but tries to stand up for
herself.

HAYLEY
Sir, there is no need for that
kind of tone.

JOHN
[Shouts]​ Just. Bloody. Cancel. It.
Stop wasting my time. You fuc…
[holds his tongue]

[Pause]

Hello, are you still there?

HAYLEY looks a bit flustered but gathers herself together

and replies.

HAYLEY
Yes sir, of course sir - let me
just get that up on my screen.

We see HAYLEY typing away on a computer keyboard. We don’t

see the computer screen. We just see the blank expression
on her face.

JOHN
How is this so complicated? It
can’t be that hard? Surely all you
have to do is click a fucking
button. This is absolutely
ridiculous.

HAYLEY
Tut, tut. Oh. Ahh.

JOHN
What are you doing n… Forget it -
just let me speak to your manager.

[Pause]

HAYLEY’s whole demeanor changes. She has become confident

and almost has a smirk on her face.

HAYLEY
Mmm, I’m not sure you really want
to do that sir.
 JOHN
You what?

HAYLEY
[Slower and louder]​ I’m not sure
you really want to do that. Sir.

JOHN
You are not sure, are you? Are you
fucking deaf?

HAYLEY
Well it just feels like such a
shame to cancel your broadband
when you appear to get so much
enjoyment out of it.

JOHN
Excuse me?

HAYLEY
Does ‘Dutch lesbians in back of
taxi’ ring any bells?

JOHN
What the fuck are you talking
about?

[Pause]

This is a joke, right? You are

deliberately trying to wind me up.

HAYLEY
How about ‘Dutch woman plays with
her big tits’ or ‘Beautiful blonde
dutch European sucks dick in
public and masturbates’ or ‘Dutch
blonde amateur giving a blowjob
having sex and swallowing’ or
'Mature Dutch woman BJ, fuck and
facial.' Or 'Dutch girl POV sucks
great huge… I can go on - there’s
plenty more.'

JOHN
[Clears his throat]

HAYLEY
Hello, are ​YOU​ still there sir?
 JOHN
[Huffing and puffing]

HAYLEY
You seem to like Dutch women, sir.

JOHN
You can’t… how the fuck do yo…
this has got to be against the...
You can’t do this.

[Pause]

Anyway so fucking what. Everyone

watches porn. It’s just porn, who
cares?

HAYLEY
Well sir, it says on the bill here
that there is a Mrs Owen. Does she
know about your love of Dutch
women?

JOHN
[Huffing and puffing]

Ok.

What do you want?

HAYLEY forms an almost wicked smile and calmly puts on her

most over the top customer service phone voice. Taking her
time to deliver each word.

HAYLEY
Like I said, sir, can I interest
you in the exclusive Easter deal
for existing customers only, with
an added 6 months free line
rental?

THE END