HIGH SCHOOL FOR DUMMIES

A comedy in one act

by

Bradley Hayward

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 HIGH SCHOOL FOR DUMMIES

© Copyright 2005 By Bradley Hayward

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 HIGH SCHOOL FOR DUMMIES

© Copyright 2005 By Bradley Hayward

STORY OF THE PLAY

What would happen if there were an
instruction manual for freshmen? Things
would certainly be a lot different come
graduation, that's for sure. If a bully jams
you in a locker, turn to Chapter 3. If you
forget your homework, there's an excuse on
Page 46. If the cafeteria serves mush, check
the footnotes for some recipes. With the
influx of how-to books for dummies, dealing
with everything from piano to poker, a group
of graduating seniors take it upon themselves
to write the most important one of them all:
HIGH SCHOOL FOR DUMMIES!

CAST OF CHARACTERS
(Flexible cast of 8 to 32)
The ensemble is a core group of actors that may
play many different characters. Alternately,
you could chose to have a very large cast with
each actor having a small role. If doubling
with 8 actors, the following is a suggested
breakdown.
ONE (m): Owen, Jeffrey, Paul
TWO (f): Marge, Julia, Rhonda
THREE (m): Driver, Trevor, Rich
FOUR (f): Mrs. Green, Krista, Jacqui
FIVE (m): Jason, Mark, Mr. Harris
SIX (f): Steph, Veronica, Anne
SEVEN (m): Nathan, David, Mr. Johnson
EIGHT (f): Lisa, Becky, Elle

RUNNING TIME

About 35 minutes.
 SETTING

A bare stage. Chairs and blocks may be

rearranged to suggest each setting - but keep
it fast and keep it simple.

STAGING

Be creative! If using 8 actors to play all of

the roles, none of them should ever leave the
stage. Have the actors not participating in a
given scene sit on stools to the side. And
feel free to let them be an active audience.
They should listen intently, as if they've
never seen the play before. For a larger
cast, it would be best not to clutter the
stage. Rather, allow for standard exits and
entrances.

COSTUMES

When doubling, rather than full blown costumes,

dress the actors uniformly. Then choose one or
two distinct accessories to differentiate
between characters. For a large cast, go
crazy!

LIGHTING

Feel free to use the suggested light cues, or

eliminate them all together.
 (AT RISE: LIGHTS up CS. EIGHT ACTORS stand in
a line, dressed in caps and gowns. They each
hold a book yellow and black book from the
"For Dummies" series in front of them.)
ONE
Computers for Dummies.
TWO
French for Dummies.
THREE
Psychology for Dummies.
FOUR
Guitar for Dummies.
FIVE
Golf for Dummies.
SIX
Drawing for Dummies.
SEVEN
Poker for Dummies.
EIGHT
Dogs for Dummies.
ONE
Diabetes.
TWO
Religion.
THREE
Grilling.
FOUR
Knitting.
FIVE
Taxes.
SIX
Yoga.
SEVEN
Art.
EIGHT
Sex.

EVERYONE
For dummies!
 2.

ONE
Every time you turn around, there's yet another book --

EVERYONE
For dummies!

TWO
It makes you wonder if everyone in the world are --

EVERYONE
Dummies!

THREE
24/7, you can order a book that shows you the proper way to
train a dog.

FOUR
Or row a boat.

FIVE
Or limbo.

SIX
Millions of people shell out millions of dollars to find out
millions of tips about millions of things that don't really
matter.

SEVEN
But there's no how-to guide for the most difficult chore of
them all.

EIGHT
The one thing that really does matter.

EVERYONE
High school!

ONE
Who do you turn to when you get stuffed in a locker?

TWO
What do you eat when the cafeteria serves mush?

THREE
Where do you hide when the principal calls you to the office?

FOUR
As graduating seniors, we've been there --

FIVE
Done that.
 3.

SIX
So for all the freshmen about to enter this crazy jungle,
where nothing ever goes right, we have some advice to share.

SEVEN
A survival guide for those days when it seems like nobody
cares.

EIGHT
The book teenagers have been waiting for. High school --

EVERYONE
For dummies!

ONE
Chapter one...

EVERYONE
The school bus!

(LIGHTS out. LIGHTS up CS, a school bus. The

DRIVER sits in front, with STEPH, JASON and
LISA in the back. The road is very bumpy and
they all bounce up and down like jack-
hammers.)

STEPH
(APPLYING LIPSTICK) It's the first day of school. I have to
look my best! (SHE HOLDS OUT THE LIPSTICK) You want?

LISA
What if our parents find out? We're not allowed to wear make-
up yet.

STEPH
Get with it, Lisa! What do they know? We're freshman now,
so we can do what we want. Plus, we're so much more mature
than last year. We're practically adults. (SHE FREAKS OUT)
Oh my god, is that glitter in your nail polish?! It's, like,
so cute!

LISA
Yeah, I know!

STEPH
All the boys are gonna just die when they see it.

JASON
(PEEKS OUT FROM BEHIND A BOOK) Yeah, die laughing.

STEPH
Huh?
 4.

JASON
Will you two be good little girls and shut-up?

LISA
What's that supposed to mean?

JASON
It means I don't want to hear about your stupid glitter nail
polish.

STEPH
You're just jealous because I'm not your girlfriend.

JASON
(SARCASTIC) Yeah right. I spent my whole summer vacation
waiting to make out with a freshman.

STEPH
Bite me.

JASON
Grow up. (HE RETURNS TO HIS BOOK)

STEPH
What a jerk.

LISA
Maybe he's right.

STEPH
About what?

LISA
Maybe we do need to grow up. Give me some of that lipstick.

STEPH
Really?

LISA
I better, if I want any of the boys to look at me. Besides,
I'll wash it off before I go home. Mom will never find out.

STEPH
Yay! You'll look, like, so pretty!

(LISA starts to put on lipstick when the bus

hits a pothole. They all bounce out of their
seats. In the process, LISA smears a big
streak of lipstick across her face.)

LISA
Oh no! Look what happened!
 5.

STEPH
What?

LISA
The lipstick! Did it leave a mark?

STEPH
Oh my god. It's all over your face.

LISA
How bad is it?

STEPH
Bad. You look like an Easter egg.

LISA
Well, quick! Help me get it off!

(As they search for tissues, JASON laughs

uproariously.)

STEPH
What are you laughing at?

JASON
You twits are so immature.

STEPH
And you're a moron.

LISA
Stop arguing and wash it off!

(STEPH spits into a tissue and furiously rubs

LISA'S face.)

JASON
Aw, that's so cute. Mommy's washing your face.
LISA
Is it coming off?

STEPH
Let me see. (SHE CHECKS) No. Still there.

LISA
Let me try! (SHE CONTINUES SCRUBBING)

STEPH
(LOOKS AT THE LIPSTICK) Oh no.

LISA
What?
 6.

STEPH
It's waterproof.

LISA
What?! You mean I have to go all day like this? Mom's going
to find out for sure.

JASON
Serves you right for being so stupid.

STEPH
That's it! I've had enough of you!

JASON
(STANDS UP) Oh yeah?

STEPH
(STANDS UP) Yeah!

(They hit another bump and STEPH falls into

JASON'S lap. They start fighting.)

JASON
Get off me!

STEPH
Not until you apologize!

DRIVER
Hey, what's going on back there?

(ONE steps into the scene and shouts.)

ONE
Freeze!

(EVERYONE in the bus freezes.)

ONE (Continued)
Page 8. When confronted with a nasty bus ride, the solution
is simple. Convince the driver to take the highway. Not
only is the road less bumpy, but the trip is ten minutes
shorter. And it's all smooth sailing from there.

(As ONE sits behind the DRIVER, they all

unfreeze and resume bouncing. He leans over
the DRIVER'S shoulder.)

ONE (Continued)
Hey, driver.

DRIVER
Stay back. If you cross the yellow line, I have to pull
over.
 7.

ONE
I'll stay behind the yellow line if you take the highway.

DRIVER
Sorry, kiddo. I've got my route to stick to.

ONE
Come on. These vibrations must be killing your butt.

DRIVER
Yes, but I still have two students to pick up. Nathan Chell
and Owen Jones.

ONE
Why bother? Nobody likes them, anyway.

DRIVER
It's not my job to judge. I just drive them to school.

ONE
You'd be singing a different tune if you knew what I know.

DRIVER
What do you know?

ONE
Remember last Halloween? (HE NODS) Remember the eggs on
your new car? The ones that ruined the paint job? (HE NODS)
That was Nathan.

DRIVER
So what? All kids pull stuff like that.

ONE
And remember the boy you found in your house? (NE NODS) The
one in your daughter's bedroom? (HE NODS, GETTING ANGRY)
The one who got away before you saw his face? (NE NODS,
RAVING MAD) That was Owen.

DRIVER
It was? (ONE NODS) Where's the on-ramp?

ONE
Straight ahead. (THE DRIVER STEERS ONTO THE HIGHWAY) My
work here is done.

(ONE sits back in his seat. They all stop

bouncing.)

STEPH
Whew! It looks like I got it all off.
 8.

LISA
Thanks. Now that it's not so bumpy, maybe you can help me
put it on so I don't look like a clown.

STEPH
Sure. This is going to be, like, the best first day ever!

JASON
(PEEKS FROM BEHIND THE BOOK) That's what they all say.

(As STEPH helps LISA with the lipstick, LIGHTS

out. LIGHTS up DR, on TWO.)

TWO
Now if you think getting to school is difficult, things only
get worse when you finally arrive. Set foot in a classroom
and it's no longer a matter of you versus them. It's you
versus Mister or Missus Them. Enter the teachers. Chapter
two...

EVERYONE
Attendance!

(LIGHTS out. LIGHTS up CS, a classroom.

NATHAN and OWEN sit in the back row. BECKY
sits in the front. MRS. GREEN drones on from
her desk.)

MRS. GREEN
Nathan Chell.

NATHAN
Here.

MRS. GREEN
Owen Jones.

OWEN
Here.
MRS. GREEN
Becky Heard.

(NATHAN chuckles as he puts a straw to his

lips. He shoots a spit ball at the back of
BECKY's head.)

BECKY
Hey!

(NATHAN and OWEN burst into laughter. MRS.

GREEN it not pleased.)
 9.

MRS. GREEN
When I call your name, the answer is "here." Not "present."
Not "yes." And certainly not "hey."

BECKY
But Nathan blew a spit ball at me.

MRS. GREEN
I do not care if he blew pop rocks at you. You will answer
like a lady. Let us try this again. Becky Heard.

BECKY
(ANGRILY) Here.

OWEN
Heard the turd.

BECKY
Shut-up!

MRS. GREEN
Miss Heard, I will not tolerate such profanity in my
classroom.

BECKY
But he called me Heard the turd.

MRS. GREEN
That is no excuse. Vulgarity is a sure fire route to the
principal's office. You do not want that, now do you?

BECKY
No.

MRS. GREEN
Very well. (SHE CHECKS HER BOOK) Wait a moment. Miss
Heard, it looks like you are not obeying my seating
assignments.
BECKY
I know. That's because Owen hocked a loogey on my chair.

MRS. GREEN
He hocked a what-y?

BECKY
A loogey.

MRS. GREEN
(SHAKES HER HEAD) I do not know what has gotten into you,
young lady, but I will not stand for all of this confounded
slang. I may be getting up in years, but I know a curse word
when I hear one.
 10.

BECKY
Loogey's not a curse.

MRS. GREEN
I do not know what it is. And quite frankly, I do not care.
Whatever it is, it does not give you the right to interfere
with my diagram. Now take your appointed seat.

BECKY
But, Mrs. Green, it's all wet.

MRS. GREEN
So?

BECKY
And sticky.

MRS. GREEN
I have had it about up to here with your ignorance. Young
girls who cannot follow authority are the ones that end up
with a family of four by the time they are eighteen. I must
put a stop to this, so here is a hall pass. Take this
directly to the principal for your punishment.

BECKY
Please, no! I'll sit in the right seat, okay?

MRS. GREEN
(PAUSE) Very well. But this is your last chance. I will
have you know that you are treading around on very thin ice.

(BECKY reluctantly stands and approaches the

boys. NATHAN chuckles.)

NATHAN
Heard the turd.

(BECKY turns to tell on him, but thinks better

of it. She slowly sits down, absolutely
disgusted. She wiggles around on the spit.)

BECKY
(ALMOST IN TEARS) Mrs. Green, this is really gross.

MRS. GREEN
What did you say, Miss Heard?!

BECKY
Nothing. Nothing at all.

(NATHAN and OWEN roar with laughter. TWO

steps into the scene.)
 11.

TWO
Freeze!

(EVERYONE freezes.)

TWO (Continued)
Page 21. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. When
faced with a brutal teacher, it is best to take on their most
potent attributes. You will also obtain precious bonus
points for complimenting them at length on the exact things
that annoy you most.

(TWO sits in BECKY'S original seat. EVERYONE

unfreezes.)

MRS. GREEN
Samantha Ryan.

TWO
Here. And might I add that you look wonderful in that tweed
suit. It brings out the beautiful color of that mole on your
nose.

MRS. GREEN
(DEEPLY TOUCHED) Why, thank you, Samantha.

TWO
You are most welcome. Might I also add that I agree with
you, Mrs. Green. Becky Heard is on a downward spiral into
oblivion. If she does not clean up her act, she is most
definitely headed to Lamaze class by senior year.

MRS. GREEN
I am glad to hear you say that.

TWO
And I have just the solution to prevent her from breast
feeding at the prom.
MRS. GREEN
I would love to hear it.

TWO
Separate her from those two misfits in the back.

MRS. GREEN
And disrupt my seating assignments?

TWO
I know it sounds drastic. But drastic times call for drastic
measures. Owen is a filthy pig and Nathan is full of spit.
They are to blame for Becky's misfortune.
 12.

MRS. GREEN
Do you really think so?

TWO
I do. And might I add that your watch makes those liver
spots look fabulous.

MRS. GREEN
(GRINNING FROM EAR TO HEAR) Very well. Samantha and Becky,
please change seats.

(BECKY and TWO change seats. BECKY whispers

as they pass.)

BECKY
Thank you.

TWO
My pleasure.

(They sit. NATHAN blows another spit ball at

BECKY and laughs.)

OWEN
Heard the turd.

MRS. GREEN
I saw that, Mr Chell! And I heard that, Mr Jones! It is
directly to the principal's office for the both of you! How
dare you influence a sweet and delicate flower such as Miss
Heard.

(NATHAN and OWEN are shocked. They glare at

BECKY as they exit, and she chuckles. LIGHTS
out. LIGHTS up DR, on THREE.)

THREE
Now that you've been signed in to a day of torture, it's time
to check your schedule. Horror strikes when you find out the
first class of the day is gym. In junior high, this would
have been merely a blip in the radar. But between the eighth
and ninth grades, puberty takes hold. Freshmen become
stinky, sweaty creatures that require hourly applications of
deodorant. And with gym in the morning, there's no evading
the showers. Chapter three...

EVERYONE
Gym class!

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