Love, Shakespeare

Scenes

SCENE 1 – I Luv U – Pages 2 - 9

SCENE 2 – R&J Prologue – Pages 9 - 11

SCENE 3 – R&J Act 1 Sc 1 – Pages 11 - 16

SCENE 4 – R&J Act 2 Sc 2 – Pages 16 - 22

SCENE 5 – Midsummer Night’s Dream Act 3 Sc 2 – Pages 22 - 34

SCENE 6 – Much Ado About Nothing Act 2 Sc 3 – Pages 34 - 40

SCENE 7 – Much Ado About Nothing Act 3 Sc 1 – Pages 40- 43

SCENE 8 - Much Ado About Nothing Act 4 Sc 1- Pages 44 - 47

SCENE 9 – Othello Act 5 Sc 2 – Pages – 48 - 52

SCENE 10 – Much Ado About Nothing Act 5 Sc 2 – Pages 52 - 58

SCENE 11 – The Epilogue – Pages 58 - 59

SCENE 1 – I Luv U

USR there is a scaffold tower; USC there is a large stone block. Either side of the
block there are steps leading from the forestage to the floor.

There is also a school desk, USL, sitting at which is a bored looking STUDENT.
He/She is trying to study a copy of Romeo & Juliet and struggling.

One by one the actors shout lines of Shakespeare from the wings. As they speak
their lines they enter onto the stage, beginning to crowd round the STUDENT. The
first few enter singly but the later actors enter/speak in groups.

ACTORS 1, 2, 3 & 4 run together.

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ACTOR 1
Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;

ACTOR 2
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;

ACTOR 3
What is it else? a madness most discreet,

ACTOR 4
A choking gall and a preserving sweet.

ACTORS 5, 6 & 7 run together.

ACTOR 5
Hear my soul speak:

ACTOR 6
The very instant that I saw you,

ACTOR 7
Did my heart fly to your service.

ACTORS 8 & 9 run together.

ACTOR 8
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;

ACTOR 9
And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind:

ACTORS 10, 11, 12 & 13 run together

ACTOR 10
Nor hath Love's mind of any judgement taste;

ACTOR 11
Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:

ACTOR 12
And therefore is Love said to be a child,

ACTOR 13
Because in choice he is so oft beguiled.

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ACTOR 14
Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.

ACTOR 15
When Love speaks, the voice of all the gods
Makes heaven drowsy with the harmony.

ACTOR 16
The sight of lovers feedeth those in love.

ACTOR 17
But love is blind, and lovers cannot see

ACTOR 18
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
ACTOR 19
I cannot: but I love thee; none
but thee; and thou deservest it.
ACTOR 20
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
ACTOR 21
Love is a spirit all compact of fire.
ACTOR 22
Love is merely a madness: and, I tell you, deserves as
as well a dark house and a whip, as madmen do
ACTOR 23
For I have sworn thee fair and thought thee bright,
Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.

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ACTOR 24
The expense of spirit in a waste of shame
Is lust in action
ACTOR 25
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

The STUDENT gets increasingly wound up as the quotes begin to overlap and
intermingle. They get louder and louder as the STUDENT finally gives up and puts
in his or her earphones. This doesn’t seem to help. As the quotes and noise reach a
crescendo, he/she throws his/her book on the floor. The actors vanish and music
begins.

SFX – I Luv U - Headphones

He/she gets out a note pad and begins doodling. He/she should not be. We can
hear the tinny whine of the track.

A TEACHER enters US. Sees the STUDENT and approaches, quietly. The
TEACHER, reaching the STUDENT, drops a big copy of ‘The Complete Works of
Shakespeare’ on his/her desk. The STUDENT jumps.

SFX – Fade out but don’t stop the track.

TEACHER

You’re supposed to be reading Act 3, Scene 3 and making notes. Not… (pulls the
notebook out from under the complete works. It is covered in drawings of hearts.
All different shapes and sizes. Some big and pink, some red and bloody, some black
and broken) doodling love letters.

STUDENT

They’re just drawings, they’re not love letters. Look, this one has a knife in it.

TEACHER

Mmm… arty.

STUDENT

Besides, I can’t get my head round it.

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TEACHER

Round what?

STUDENT

This... (flips through the pages of the complete works) … this, any of this. It’s just
words. Weird words. I swear he’s making it up.

TEACHER

Shakespeare did invent a lot of words…

STUDENT

Arrrgghh! Well what’s the point then? He’s just making it up, what’s the point of
studying it? It’s not even real.

SFX – Fade up the track from earlier.

TEACHER pauses for a moment. Stumped. Silence. We hear the tinny whine of the
STUDENT’S music.

TEACHER

What’s that you’re listening to?

STUDENT tries to hide his/her earphones from sight. Fumbles in his/her pocket to
turn it off.

SFX – stop track.

STUDENT

Nothing.

TEACHER gives him/her a disbelieving look.

It’s Grime, sir, you wouldn’t understand.

TEACHER

No, go on. Turn it up.

The STUDENT gives a ‘you asked for it’ shake of the head, takes his/her
earphones out and turns up the track.

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SFX – I Luv U – Short Burst

TEACHER gets a note book and make three notes as the song plays. He/she also
does a little dance at one point. STUDENT puts his/her head in his/her hands.

TEACHER

Stop it there, stop it there!

Right, go back a bit. Play it again.

STUDENT rewinds the track and hits play.

SFX – I Luv U – Hotted Up

TEACHER

There! Stop it there, stop, stop. Right, (consults notes) ‘Hotted up’. What does that
mean?

STUDENT

I told you, it’s Grime, you wouldn’t understand.

TEACHER

(Quoting from the note pad) ‘Juiced up’, ‘Whacked up’, ‘Hotted up’…

STUDENT

(intensely embarrassed) Oh my God.

TEACHER

... what does that all mean?

STUDENT

It’s just… it means… it just means like chatted up… hit on… (trying to clarify)
like, inappropriate advances were made.

TEACHER

Well there you go. He’s just making it up. What’s the point of listening to it? It’s
not even real words.

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STUDENT

Yeah, but he’s an MC. He’s allowed to make up words. Besides, it’s about
something important – it’s about love and getting messed around.

TEACHER

So’s Shakespeare.

STUDENT

Oh, no… I know what Shakespeare thinks of love. It’s all ‘Doth you loveth me-
eth? I loveth you-eth… Kenneth.’ It’s stupid. This song’s about a bloke who tells a
girl he loves her just to get her into bed but then she goes all psycho and keeps
phoning him and messaging him and that. But she tells her mates that he’s always
on at her and then she gets pregnant an’… (pauses for breath) it’s messed up.

TEACHER

You think that’s messed up? (taking the mick) ‘Ooh, she keeps phoning me. It’s
really psycho!’ Othello kills Desdemona because she loses a handkerchief. Hero
fakes her own death because her fiancé thinks she’s cheated on him. Romeo drinks
poison while lying on the corpse of his wife, only she’s not dead. She wakes up,
sees him dying and stabs herself. Then she’s dead.

STUDENT

(Deadpan) Yeah, that is messed up.

TEACHER

Thank you. Besides, (holding up the note pad of heart doodles) I thought you were
into all that ‘love is pain’ stuff?

STUDENT

But we never study that stuff. It’s all Romeo and Julie, kissing in the garden.

TEACHER

It’s Romeo and Juliet and it’s a balcony.

STUDENT

Same thing.

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TEACHER

(Flicking through the complete works)

Fine, look. Just… read this.

Lights down on STUDENT & TEACHER. Lights up CS. As the Prologue is spoken,
by various people, a tableaux of R&J dead on stage is formed. Each new speaker
enters delivering their line and join the tableaux.

SCENE 2 – R&J Prologue

MONTAGUE & CAPULET

Two households, both alike in dignity,

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,

LADY MONTAGUE & LADY CAPULET

From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,

Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

ROMEO & JUILET

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes

A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;

TYBALT

Whose misadventured piteous overthrows

Doth with their death bury their parents' strife.

BENEVOLIO & PRINCE

The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,

And the continuance of their parents' rage,

SAMPSON, GREGORY, ABRAHAM & BALTHASAR.

Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,

Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;

ALL (except R&J)

The which if you with patient ears attend,

What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

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They all freeze as the lights come back up on the STUDENT.

STUDENT

Hold on! Romeo & Juliet? I thought you were trying to prove that Shakespeare
knew about real love, not just that tight-wearing, flower plucking bullsh…
(struggles not to swear)

TEACHER

Bull’s pizzle?

STUDENT

Yeah, ‘bull’s pizzle’… wait. What’s a bull’s pizzle?

TEACHER

You don’t want to know. (Rapidly changing the subject – gestures to the tableaux)
Look this is the perfect picture of love…

STUDENT

What, Romeo & Juliet spooning?

TEACHER

No! This image. Look, you’ve got Lord and Lady Capulet, Juliet’s Mum & Dad,
they love Juliet. Lord and Lady Montague, Romeo’s Mum & Dad, they love him.
Juliet’s cousin, Tybalt – he loves his family fiercely. He’d kill for them. He does
kill for them.

STUDENT

Spoilers.

TEACHER

The families’ servants – they too are fiercely loyal and loving. And then you’ve got
Romeo & Juliet, who aren’t spooning, by the way, they’re dead…

STUDENT

Spoilers!

TEACHER

And you know what all this love makes?

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STUDENT

Babies.

Teacher pauses. Gives him/her ‘that look’.

TEACHER

Violence.

The scene springs to life. The rest of the cast cross the stage as market traders
calling their wares. In the confusion, all the R&J cast slip off apart from
SAMPSON & GREGORY who lean on the stone block to rest, hot and bothered. As
the stage clears…

SCENE 3 – R&J Act 1 Sc 1

SAMPSON

Gregory, o' my word, we'll not carry coals.

GREGORY

No, for then we should be colliers.

SAMPSON

I mean, an we be in choler, we’ll draw.

I strike quickly, being moved.

GREGORY

But thou art not quickly moved to strike.

SAMPSON

A dog of the house of Montague moves me.

I will take the wall of any man or maid of Montague's.

GREGORY

The quarrel is between our masters and us their men.

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SAMPSON

'Tis all one, I will show myself a tyrant: when I

have fought with the men, I will be cruel with the
maids, and cut off their heads.

GREGORY

The heads of the maids?

SAMPSON

Ay, the heads of the maids, or their maidenheads;

take it in what sense thou wilt.

GREGORY

Draw thy tool! here comes

two of the house of Montague.

Enter ABRAHAM & BALTHASAR from DSR. BALTHASAR is weighed down with
luggage. ABRAHAM is carrying a map. ABRAHAM walks to centre stage and
checks the map while BALTHASAR struggles on with his load. During this section,
ABRAHAM, absorbed in the map, walks in an arc, past the Capulets, and off to
DSL. BALTHASAR struggling after him.

SAMPSON

(Drawing a pole from his trousers) My naked weapon is out: quarrel, I will back
thee.

GREGORY

No, marry; I fear thee!

SAMPSON

Let us take the law of our sides; let them begin.

GREGORY

I will frown as I pass by, and let them take it as

they list.

As BALTHASAR struggles past, GREGORY jumps up on the block and gives him
an over the top death stare. BALTHASAR does not notice.

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SAMPSON

I will bite my thumb at them;

which is disgrace to them, if they bear it.

ABRAHAM

(Noticing this insult from DSL as he waits for BALTHASAR)

Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

ABRAHAM pushes past BALTHASAR to CS, causing him to drop his baggage,
DSL. He begins to slowly pick it all up, getting more and more frustrated.

SAMPSON

I do bite my thumb, sir.

ABRAHAM

Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

SAMPSON

[Aside to GREGORY] Is the law of our side, if I say

ay?

GREGORY

No.

SAMPSON

No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I

bite my thumb, sir.

GREGORY

Do you quarrel, sir?

ABRAHAM

Quarrel sir! no, sir.

SAMPSON

If you do, sir, I am for you: I serve as good a man as you.

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ABRAHAM

No better.

SAMPSON

Well, sir.

GREGORY

(Looking off USR)

Say 'better:' here comes one of my master's kinsmen.

SAMPSON

Yes, better, sir.

ABRAHAM

You lie.

SAMPSON

Draw!

SAMPSON fights with ABRAHAM. GREGORY, thinking BALTHASAR will be an

easy target, charges at him/her, screaming. BALTHASAR drops all but two bags
and lays about GREGORY with them. He/she is a bag ninja, it turns out.

Enter BENVOLIO

BENVOLIO

Part, fools!
You know not what you do.

They all freeze, mid-fight. Enter TYBALT from USL on thrust.

TYBALT

What, art thou drawn among these heartless hinds?

Turn thee, Benvolio, look upon thy death.

BENVOLIO

I do but keep the peace: put up thy sword,

Or manage it to part these men with me.

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TYBALT

(As he walks down from the thrust)

What, drawn, and talk of peace! I hate the word,

As I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee:

They fight

Enter, several of both houses, who join the fray.

Enter CAPULET and LADY CAPULET from USL

CAPULET

What noise is this? Give me my long sword, ho!

LADY CAPULET

A crutch, a crutch! why call you for a sword?

CAPULET

My sword, I say! Old Montague is come,

And flourishes his blade in spite of me.

Enter MONTAGUE and LADY MONTAGUE from USR

MONTAGUE

Thou villain Capulet,--Hold me not, let me go.

LADY MONTAGUE

Thou shalt not stir a foot to seek a foe.

Enter PRINCE on thrust, with a loud hailer.

PRINCE

(Through loud hailer)

Rebellious subjects, enemies to peace,

Will they not hear? What, ho! you men, you beasts,

(Hits the siren sound on the loud hailer. They all stop and kneel)

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On pain of torture, from those bloody hands
Throw your mistemper'd weapons to the ground,
And hear the sentence of your moved prince.
Three civil brawls, bred of an airy word,
By thee, old Capulet, and Montague,
Have thrice disturb'd the quiet of our streets,
If ever you disturb our streets again,
Your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.
For this time, all the rest depart away:
You Capulet; shall go along with me:
And, Montague, come you this afternoon,
Once more, on pain of death, all men depart.

All characters flee the scene, leaving the stage empty.

SCENE 4 – R&J Act 2 Sc 2

TEACHER
(Walking to CS, impressed) What do you think? A fight all because of love.

STUDENT
(Still sitting. Unimpressed) Yeah, it was alright. I like Tybalt. He’s proper ‘ard. But
then it gets all boring again when Romeo & Juliet meet. It’s all ‘I love you more
than stars’, ‘Oh, I love you more than cake’, ‘Oh, kiss me’… bleugh! It’s not very
realistic.

TEACHER
You mean you’ve never told a girl/boy you love her/him more than cake? You’re
missing out. They love that stuff.

STUDENT
No, I mean, you never just meet someone and fall in love at first sight. It’s just not
normal.

TEACHER
Really? You’ve never kissed someone at a party?

STUDENT
That’s an inappropriate question.

TEACHER

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But you concede that people do kiss at parties? I mean, that still happens these
days? I realise you’re all constantly on Facebook but I assume you still meet up
sometimes? For… crisps and… dancing.

STUDENT
Sometimes.

TEACHER
That’s what happens here. Romeo & Juliet are at a party, they have a few drinks,
they kiss, they fall in love. It’s sweet.

STUDENTS
I suppose that could happen.

TEACHER
Oh, and Juliet’s Dad would kill Romeo if he ever found out.

STUDENT
That could definitely happen.

TEACHER
And here comes Romeo, fresh from his first kiss with Juliet.

Enter ROMEO who hides by the block.

STUDENT
What’s he doing?

TEACHER
He’s hiding from his mates because they were taking the mick out of him. Y’know,
for being in love. With a girl.

STUDENT
Oh yeah. I bet they’re all like ‘Romeo and Juliet sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N…’

He is interrupted by ROMEO’S first line, seemingly aimed at him.

ROMEO
He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

TEACHER gestures to STUDENT to sit down and watch.

JULIET appears above at a window

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But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon.

JULIET
Ay me!

ROMEO
She speaks:
O, speak again, bright angel!

JULIET
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

ROMEO
[Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

JULIET
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.

ROMEO
I take thee at thy word:
Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.

JULIET
What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night
So stumblest on my counsel?

ROMEO

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By a name
I know not how to tell thee who I am:
My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself,
Because it is an enemy to thee.

JULIET
My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words
Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound:
Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?

ROMEO
Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike.

JULIET
How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?
The orchard walls are high and hard to climb,
And the place death, considering who thou art,
If any of my kinsmen find thee here.

ROMEO
With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do that dares love attempt;
Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me.

JULIET
If they do see thee, they will murder thee.
I would not for the world they saw thee here.

ROMEO
I have night's cloak to hide me from their sight;

JULIET
By whose direction found'st thou out this place?

ROMEO
By love’s, who first did prompt me to inquire

JULIET
Thou know'st the mask of night is on my face,
Else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek
For that which thou hast heard me speak to-night
Dost thou love me? O gentle Romeo,
If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully:

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Or if thou think'st I am too quickly won,
I'll frown and be perverse an say thee nay,

ROMEO
Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear…

JULIET
O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon.

ROMEO
What shall I swear by?

JULIET
Do not swear at all.

ROMEO
If my heart's dear love--

JULIET
Do not swear: although I joy in thee,
I have no joy of this contract to-night:
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;
Sweet, good night!

ROMEO
O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

JULIET
What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?

ROMEO
The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.

JULIET
I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:
And yet I would it were to give again.

Nurse calls within

I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!

Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true.
Stay but a little, I will come again.

Exit, above

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ROMEO
O blessed, blessed night! I am afeard.
Being in night, all this is but a dream.

Re-enter JULIET, above

JULIET
Three words, dear Romeo, and good night indeed.
If that thy bent of love be honourable,
Thy purpose marriage, send me word to-morrow.

Nurse
[Within] Madam!

JULIET
I come, anon.--But if thou mean'st not well,
I do beseech thee--

Nurse
[Within] Madam!

JULIET
By and by, I come:--
To cease thy suit, and leave me to my grief:
To-morrow will I send.

ROMEO
So thrive my soul--

JULIET
A thousand times good night!

Exit, above

ROMEO
A thousand times the worse, to want thy light.

Retiring

Re-enter JULIET, above

JULIET
Hist! Romeo, hist! O, for a falconer's voice.

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Romeo!

ROMEO
My love?

They pause, lost in each other’s eyes.

JULIET
I have forgot why I did call thee back.

ROMEO
Let me stand here till thou remember it.

JULIET
I shall forget, to have thee still stand there,
Remembering how I love thy company.

ROMEO
And I'll still stay, to have thee still forget.

JULIET
'Tis almost morning; I would have thee gone:
Good night, good night! parting is such
sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.

Exit above

ROMEO
Sleep dwell upon thine eyes.

Exit

SCENE 5 – Midsummer Night’s Dream Act 3 Sc 2

STUDENT
That is actually really sweet isn’t it? Look at him, he’s proper loved up.

TEACHER
Yeah, it’s nice.

They share a moment’s reverie.

Shame they both die.

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STUDENT
What?! Oh, yeah. What goes wrong? (Rapidly flicks through the complete works to
find the play)

TEACHER
Well, Juliet’s Dad wants her to marry someone else…

STUDENT
(Finding it in the book) Paris.

TEACHER
That’s the fella. But Juliet’s dead against it, what with already having married
Romeo behind her Dad’s back…

STUDENT
That is so Jeremy Kyle.

TEACHER
So she takes poison to kill herself.

STUDENT
That is less Jeremy Kyle. The only thing they ever take is a paternity test.

TEACHER
Well, love is complicated. Even more so when there are four people in the
relationship.

STUDENT
And we’re back to Jeremy Kyle.

Enter DEMETRIUS AND HERMIA.

DEMETRIUS
O, why rebuke you him that loves you so?
Lay breath so bitter on your bitter foe.

HERMIA
Now I but chide; but I should use thee worse,
For thou, I fear, hast given me cause to curse,
If thou hast slain Lysander in his sleep,
Being o'er shoes in blood, plunge in the deep,
And kill me too.
It cannot be but thou hast murder'd him;
So should a murderer look, so dead, so grim.

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DEMETRIUS
So should the murder'd look, and so should I,
Pierced through the heart with your stern cruelty:

They both freeze, DEMETRIUS pointing at HERMIA who stands with her arms
crossed.

STUDENT
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who are these people?

TEACHER
Well, that’s Demetrius, he loves Hermia. And this is Hermia, she loves Lysander.

STUDENT
Who’s Lysander? This is really confusing.

TEACHER
Do you know what? You’re right.
(Turning into a Jeremy Kyle style talk show host)
Let’s meet our guests!

Five chairs are brought on stage and the light flash in a concert style chase
sequence while the Jeremy Kyle theme tune plays. TEACHER runs off DSC to grab
a microphone while DEMETRIUS and HERMIA sit down next to each other in the
SR chairs. TEACHER runs in as audience applaud and stands centre stage.

TEACHER
Thank you, thank you. Good morning and, as ever, a big, big welcome to the show.
With us today we have Demetrius and Hermia.

(Audience applaud)

Now Demetrius. You love Hermia…

(Audience go ‘whooo!’)

But Hermia you don’t love Demetrius do you?

(Audience boo)

Let’s hear her side of it.

HERMIA

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No, Jeremy, I don’t. I love Lysander and he knows that. In fact, Lysander and I
have just run away into the woods to be together and this psycho followed us!

(Audience boo DEMETRIUS)

Yeah, and I think he’s killed Lysander cos I can’t find him anywhere!

(Boos get louder)

TEACHER
Alright, alright.
Demetrius denies this but that’s not the whole story.
Let’s bring in Lysander and your best friend… Helena!

Jeremy Kyle theme plays as LYSANDER and HELENA enter, holding hands. They
sit in the SL chairs. Audience Oooohs.

Ad libs from HERMIA ‘Oh my God, what’s she doing here’ etc.

HERMIA
What are you doing here with that!

LYSANDER
I’ve come on the show today to tell you that I love your best friend, Helena.

Audience ‘ooohs’ and ‘boos’. HERMIA is distraught. HELENA looks very annoyed
and snatches her hand back from him.

HERMIA
How could this happen?

HELENA
I know! He must be taking the micky.

TEACHER
Well, let’s find out. Let’s bring on my mystery guest, that cheeky fairy sprite –
Puck!

Puck enters to massive cheers. Puck is a really shabbily dress fairy. He wears a
stained white t-shirt and grubby jeans. His hair is a mess and he scratches a lot.

PUCK
Thanks everyone, thanks! Thanks for having me on the show again, Jeremy

24 | P a g e
They shake hands. It is sticky and Jeremy winces.

Uh, yeah, I, uh, yeah it was me. I put some, uh, magic love potion on Lysander’s
eyes and when he woke up he fell in love with Helena. Sorry. My bad.

TEACHER
So now Lysander loves Helena when he should love Hermia and Demetrius loves
Hermia but she doesn’t love him?

PUCK
Well you know what they say…
If you want to muck it up…

The audience finish the phrase…

LEAVE IT TO PUCK!

To much cheering, PUCK leaves and the Jeremy Kyle theme kicks in.

TEACHER
Oh that Puck, he’s always causing trouble. (As he/she speaks this next line, he/she
places a chair CS) Let’s bring in Graeme for some advice. Graeme, give these
losers a lesson in love.

The lights do down suddenly and a red spot light hits the chair. Sexy music plays.

Heavenlee - SONNET 129

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame

Is lust in action; and till action, lust
Is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame,
Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust,
Enjoy'd no sooner but despised straight,
Past reason hunted, and no sooner had
Past reason hated, as a swallow'd bait
On purpose laid to make the taker mad;
Mad in pursuit and in possession so;
Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme;
A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe;
Before, a joy proposed; behind, a dream.
All this the world well knows; yet none knows well
To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.

25 | P a g e
The red light fades and ‘Graeme’ leaves in the BO.

Lights up.

TEACHER
(Slightly stunned) Is it just me or is Graeme a bit… sexier than usual?

DEMETRIUS & LYSANDER

Yeah.

This enrages the girls and they launch into the boys.

TEACHER

Calm down! Sit down! Have some self-respect. (To the audience) We’re going to a
break but we’ll be right back.

Jeremy Kyle theme kicks in again. As the chairs are cleared and the lovers argue,
LYSANDER drags HELENA off the stage and DEMETRIUS and HERMIA resume
their poses from before the ‘show’.

HERMIA
What's this to my Lysander? where is he?
Ah, good Demetrius, wilt thou give him me?

DEMETRIUS
I had rather give his carcass to my hounds.

HERMIA
Out, dog! out, cur! thou drivest me past the bounds
Of maiden's patience. Hast thou slain him, then?
Henceforth be never number'd among men!

DEMETRIUS
You spend your passion on a misprised mood:
I am not guilty of Lysander's blood;
Nor is he dead, for aught that I can tell.

HERMIA
I pray thee, tell me then that he is well.

DEMETRIUS
An if I could, what should I get therefore?

HERMIA

26 | P a g e
A privilege never to see me more.
And from thy hated presence part I so:
See me no more, whether he be dead or no.

Exit

DEMETRIUS
There is no following her in this fierce vein:
Here therefore for a while I will remain.

Lies down and sleeps. Jeremy Kyle music plays. PUCK runs on to cheers.

PUCK
At this point, I put some more magic love potion on Demetrius’ eyes to stop him
being in love with Hermia and make him fall in love with Helena. (Shrugs) I
thought it might help but it kind of makes it worse.
Well you know what they say…
If you want to muck it up…

The audience finish the phrase…

LEAVE IT TO PUCK!

Exits. Music out.

Enter LYSANDER and HELENA

LYSANDER
Why should you think that I should woo in scorn?
Scorn and derision never come in tears:

HELENA
You do advance your cunning more and more.
These vows are Hermia's: will you give her o'er?

LYSANDER
I had no judgment when to her I swore.

HELENA
Nor none, in my mind, now you give her o'er.

LYSANDER
Demetrius loves her, and he loves not you.

27 | P a g e
DEMETRIUS
[Awaking] O Helena, goddess, nymph, perfect, divine!

HELENA
O spite! O hell! I see you all are bent
To set against me for your merriment:

LYSANDER
You are unkind, Demetrius; be not so;
For you love Hermia; this you know I know:

DEMETRIUS
Lysander, keep thy Hermia; I will none:
If e'er I loved her, all that love is gone.

LYSANDER
Helen, it is not so.

DEMETRIUS
Look, where thy love comes; yonder is thy dear.

Re-enter HERMIA

HERMIA
Thou art not by mine eye, Lysander, found;
Mine ear, I thank it, brought me to thy sound
But why unkindly didst thou leave me so?

LYSANDER
Why should he stay, whom love doth press to go?

HERMIA
What love could press Lysander from my side?

LYSANDER
Lysander's love, that would not let him bide,
Why seek'st thou me? could not this make thee know,
The hate I bear thee made me leave thee so?

HERMIA
You speak not as you think: it cannot be.

HELENA

28 | P a g e
Lo, she is one of this confederacy!
Now I perceive they have conjoin'd all three
To fashion this false sport, in spite of me.

HERMIA
I am amazed at your passionate words.
I scorn you not: it seems that you scorn me.

HELENA
Have you not set Lysander, as in scorn,
To follow me and praise my eyes and face?
And made your other love, Demetrius,
To call me goddess, nymph, divine and rare,
Precious, celestial?

HERMIA
I understand not what you mean by this.

HELENA
Ay, do, persever, counterfeit sad looks,
Make mouths upon me when I turn my back;
But fare ye well: 'tis partly my own fault;
Which death or absence soon shall remedy.

LYSANDER
Stay, gentle Helena; hear my excuse:
My love, my life my soul, fair Helena!

HELENA
O excellent!

HERMIA
Sweet, do not scorn her so.

DEMETRIUS
If she cannot entreat, I can compel.

LYSANDER
Thou canst compel no more than she entreat:
Helen, I love thee;

DEMETRIUS
I say I love thee more than he can do.

29 | P a g e
LYSANDER
If thou say so, withdraw, and prove it too.

DEMETRIUS
Quick, come!

HERMIA
Lysander, whereto tends all this?

LYSANDER
Away, you Ethiope!

DEMETRIUS
No, no; he'll Seem to break loose
But yet come not: you are a tame man, go!

LYSANDER
Hang off, thou cat, thou burr! vile thing, let loose,
Or I will shake thee from me like a serpent!

HERMIA
Why are you grown so rude? what change is this?
Sweet love,--

LYSANDER
Thy love! out, tawny Tartar, out!
Out, loathed medicine! hated potion, hence!

HERMIA
Do you not jest?

HELENA
Yes, sooth; and so do you.

LYSANDER
Demetrius, I will keep my word with thee.

DEMETRIUS
I would I had your bond, I'll not trust your word.
For I perceive a weak bond holds you.

LYSANDER
What, should I hurt her, strike her, kill her dead?
Although I hate her, I'll not harm her so.

30 | P a g e
HERMIA
What, can you do me greater harm than hate?

LYSANDER
Ay, by my life;
Therefore be out of hope, of question, of doubt;
Be certain, nothing truer; 'tis no jest
That I do hate thee and love Helena.

HERMIA
O me! you juggler! you canker-blossom!
You thief of love! what, have you come by night
And stolen my love's heart from him?

HELENA
Fine, i'faith!
Have you no modesty, no maiden shame,
No touch of bashfulness?
Fie, fie! you counterfeit, you puppet, you!

HERMIA
Puppet? why so? ay, that way goes the game.
Now I perceive that she hath made compare
Between our statures; she hath urged her height;
And with her personage, her tall personage,
Her height, forsooth, she hath prevail'd with him.
And are you grown so high in his esteem;
Because I am so dwarfish and so low?
How low am I, thou painted maypole? speak;
How low am I? I am not yet so low
But that my nails can reach unto thine eyes.

HELENA
I pray you, though you mock me, gentlemen,
Let her not hurt me: I was never curst;
I have no gift at all in shrewishness;
Let her not strike me. You perhaps may think,
Because she is something lower than myself,
That I can match her.

HERMIA
Lower! hark, again.

31 | P a g e
HELENA
Good Hermia, do not be so bitter with me.
I evermore did love you, Hermia,
Did ever keep your counsels, never wrong'd you;
Save that, in love unto Demetrius,
I told him of your stealth unto this wood.
And now, so you will let me quiet go,
To Athens will I bear my folly back
And follow you no further.

HERMIA
Why, get you gone: who is't that hinders you?

HELENA
A foolish heart, that I leave here behind.

HERMIA
What, with Lysander?

HELENA
With Demetrius.

LYSANDER
Be not afraid; she shall not harm thee, Helena.

DEMETRIUS
No, sir, she shall not, though you take her part.

HELENA
O, when she's angry, she is keen and shrewd!
She was a vixen when she went to school;
And though she be but little, she is fierce.

HERMIA
'Little' again! nothing but 'low' and 'little'!
Why will you suffer her to flout me thus?
Let me come to her.

LYSANDER
Get you gone, you dwarf;
You minimus, of hindering knot-grass made;
You bead, you acorn.

DEMETRIUS

32 | P a g e
You are too officious
In her behalf that scorns your services.

LYSANDER
Now she holds me not;
Now follow, if thou darest, to try whose right,
Of thine or mine, is most in Helena.

DEMETRIUS
Follow! nay, I'll go with thee, cheek by jole.

Exeunt LYSANDER and DEMETRIUS

HERMIA
You, mistress, all this coil is 'long of you:
Nay, go not back.

HELENA
I will not trust you, I,
Nor longer stay in your curst company.
Your hands than mine are quicker for a fray,
My legs are longer though, to run away.

Exit

HERMIA
I am amazed, and know not what to say.

Exit

SCENE 6 – Much Ado About Nothing Act 2 Sc 3

STUDENT
That was brilliant! These people are idiots. You’d never catch me acting like that.

TEACHER
You sound like Benedick.

STUDENT
What? Sherlock?

TEACHER
Huh? No, not Cumberbatch, Benedick from Much Ado About Nothing.
This guy.

33 | P a g e
Enter BENEDICK. He is finishing a glass of champagne.
STUDENT
Who’s this? Another love drunk moron?

TEACHER
No, no. Quite the opposite. You’ll like him. He thinks love turns people into idiots
too. Particularly his best mate Claudio who has just got engaged.

From off stage we hear a cry of ‘To the happy couple’ ‘To Claudio and Hero.
BENEDICK mimics the toasts bitterly.

In fact he’s always going on about how stupid love is. So much so that his friends
decide to trick him into falling in love with this girl, Beatrice.

STUDENT
Why her?

TEACHER
Because Beatrice and Benedick are always fighting, calling each other names –
they can’t stand each other.

STUDENT
Oh, right. I’ve got mates like that. They’re always having a pop at each other but
we’re all like, get a room.

TEACHER
Exactly. It’s like little boys pulling girls hair in the playground, just to get
attention.

BENEDICK
I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much
another man is a fool when he dedicates his
behaviours to love, will, after he hath laughed at
such shallow follies in others, become the argument
of his own scorn by failing in love: and such a man
is Claudio.
May I be so converted and see with
these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not. One woman
is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am
well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all
graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in
my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise,
or I'll none; fair, or I'll never look on her;
mild, noble, an excellent musician, and her hair

34 | P a g e
shall be of what colour it please God.

Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, and LEONATA they are a bit drunk.

Ha! The prince and

Monsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbour.

Withdraws

DON PEDRO
Come, we have heard enough music.

CLAUDIO
Yea, my good lord. How still the evening is,
As hush'd on purpose to grace harmony!

DON PEDRO
See you where Benedick hath hid himself?

CLAUDIO
O, very well, my lord.
Come hither, Leonata. What was it you told me of
to-day, that your niece Beatrice was in love with
Signior Benedick? I did never think that lady would have loved any man.

LEONATA
No, nor I neither; but most wonderful that she
should so dote on Signior Benedick, whom she hath in
all outward behaviours seemed ever to abhor.

BENEDICK
Is't possible? Sits the wind in that corner?

LEONATA
By my troth, my lord, she loves him with an enraged
affection.

DON PEDRO
May be she doth but counterfeit.

CLAUDIO
Faith, like enough.

LEONATA

35 | P a g e
O God, counterfeit! There was never counterfeit of
passion came so near the life of passion as she
discovers it.

DON PEDRO
Why, what effects of passion shows she?

CLAUDIO
Bait the hook well; this fish will bite.

LEONATA
What effects, my lord? She will… ah… you heard
my daughter tell you how.

CLAUDIO
She did, indeed.

DON PEDRO
How, how, pray you? You amaze me: I would have I
thought her spirit had been invincible against all
assaults of affection.

LEONATA
I would have sworn it had, my lord; especially
against Benedick.

BENEDICK
I should think this a gull, but that her own aunt speaks it.

CLAUDIO
He hath ta'en the infection: hold it up.

DON PEDRO
Hath she made her affection known to Benedick?

LEONATA
No; and swears she never will: that's her torment.

CLAUDIO
'Tis true, indeed; so your daughter says: 'Shall
I,' says she, 'that have so oft encountered him
with scorn, write to him that I love him?'

LEONATA

36 | P a g e
This says she now when she is beginning to write to
him; my daughter tells us all.
O, she rails at herself, that she should be so immodest
to write to one that she knew would flout her; 'I
measure him,' says she, 'by my own spirit; for I
should flout him, if he writ to me; yea, though I
love him, I should.'

Claudio begins to get carried away with the pretence

CLAUDIO
Then down upon her knees she falls, weeps, sobs,
beats her heart, tears her hair, prays, curses; 'O
sweet Benedick! God give me patience!'

DON PEDRO looks despairingly at this gross display of over-acting.

LEONATA
She doth indeed; my daughter says so.

DON PEDRO
It were good that Benedick knew of it by some
other, if she will not discover it.

CLAUDIO
To what end? He would make but a sport of it and
torment the poor lady worse.

DON PEDRO
An he should, it were an alms to hang him. She's an
excellent sweet lady; and, out of all suspicion,
she is virtuous.

CLAUDIO
And she is exceeding wise.

DON PEDRO
In every thing but in loving Benedick.

LEONATA
I am sorry for her, as I have just
cause, being her aunt and her guardian.

DON PEDRO

37 | P a g e
I pray you, tell Benedick of it, and hear
what a' will say.

CLAUDIO
Never tell him, my lord.

DON PEDRO
Well, we will hear further of it by your daughter:
let it cool the while. I love Benedick well; and I
could wish he would modestly examine himself, to see
how much he is unworthy so good a lady.

LEONATA
My lord, will you walk? Dinner is ready.

They move away, whispering to each other.

CLAUDIO
If he do not dote on her upon this, I will never
trust my expectation.

DON PEDRO
Let there be the same net spread for her.
Let us send her to call him in to dinner.

Exeunt DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, and LEONATA – laughing.

BENEDICK
[Coming forward] This can be no trick,
they seem to pity the lady.
They say the lady is fair; 'tis a
truth, I can bear them witness; and virtuous; 'tis
so, I cannot reprove it; and wise, but for loving
me; by my troth, it is no addition to her wit, nor
no great argument of her folly, for I will be
horribly in love with her. I may chance have some
odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me,
because I have railed so long against marriage.
When I said I would die a bachelor,
I did not think I should live till I
were married. Here comes Beatrice. By this day!
she's a fair lady: I do spy some marks of love in
her.

Enter BEATRICE looking extremely annoyed.

38 | P a g e
BEATRICE
Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner.

BENEDICK
Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains.

BEATRICE
I took no more pains for those thanks than you take
pains to thank me: if it had been painful, I would
not have come.

BENEDICK
You take pleasure then in the message?

BEATRICE
Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife's
point. You have no stomach, signior: fare you well.

Exit

BENEDICK
Ha! 'Against my will I am sent to bid you come in
to dinner;' there's a double meaning in that 'I took
no more pains for those thanks than you took pains
to thank me.' that's as much as to say, Any pains
that I take for you is as easy as thanks. If I do
not take pity of her, I am a villain; if I do not
love her, I am a cur. I will go get her.

Exit

SCENE 7 – Much Ado About Nothing Act 3 Sc 1.

LEONATA'S garden.

Enter HERO, MARGARET, and URSULA

HERO
Good Margaret, run thee to the parlor;
There shalt thou find my cousin Beatrice.
Whisper her ear and tell her, I and Ursula
Walk in the orchard and our whole discourse
Is all of her; say that thou overheard'st us;
And bid her steal into the pleached bower,
there will she hide her,
To listen our purpose.

39 | P a g e
MARGARET
I'll make her come, I warrant you, presently.

Exit

HERO
Now, Ursula, when Beatrice doth come,
As we do trace this alley up and down,
Our talk must only be of Benedick.
When I do name him, let it be thy part
To praise him more than ever man did merit:
My talk to thee must be how Benedick
Is sick in love with Beatrice.

Enter BEATRICE, behind

Now begin;
For look where Beatrice, like a lapwing, runs
Close by the ground, to hear our conference.

URSULA
Fear you not my part of the dialogue.

HERO
Then go we near her, that her ear lose nothing
Of the false sweet bait that we lay for it.

Approaching the bower

No, truly, Ursula, she is too disdainful;

I know her spirits are as coy and wild
As haggerds of the rock.

URSULA
But are you sure
That Benedick loves Beatrice so entirely?

HERO
So says the prince and my new-trothed lord.

URSULA
And did they bid you tell her of it, madam?

HERO

40 | P a g e
They did entreat me to acquaint her of it;
But I persuaded them, if they loved Benedick,
To never to let Beatrice know of it.

URSULA
Why did you so? Doth not the gentleman
Deserve as full as fortunate a bed
As ever Beatrice shall couch upon?

HERO
O god of love! I know he doth deserve
As much as may be yielded to a man:
But Nature never framed a woman's heart
Of prouder stuff than that of Beatrice;
She cannot love.

URSULA
Sure, I think so;
And therefore certainly it were not good
She knew his love, lest she make sport at it.

HERO
Why, you speak truth. I never yet saw man,
How wise, how noble, young, how rarely featured,
But she would spell him backward: if fair-faced,
She would swear the gentleman should be her sister;
If tall, a lance ill-headed;
If low, an agate very vilely cut;
If speaking, why, a vane blown with all winds;
If silent, why, a block moved with none.
So turns she every man the wrong side out.

URSULA
Sure, sure, such carping is not commendable.

HERO
But who dare tell her so? If I should speak,
She would mock me into air.

URSULA
Yet tell her of it: hear what she will say.

HERO

41 | P a g e
No; rather I will go to Benedick
And counsel him to fight against his passion.

URSULA
O, do not do your cousin such a wrong.
She cannot be so much without true judgment, as to refuse
So rare a gentleman as Signior Benedick.

HERO
He is the only man of Italy.
Always excepted my dear Claudio.

URSULA
Signior Benedick,
For shape, for bearing, argument and valour,
Goes foremost in report through Italy.

HERO
Come, go in:
I'll show thee some attires, and have thy counsel
Which is the best to furnish me to-morrow.

URSULA
She's limed, I warrant you: we have caught her, madam.

HERO
If it proves so, then loving goes by haps:
Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.

Exeunt HERO and URSULA

BEATRICE
[Coming forward]
What fire is in mine ears? Can this be true?
Stand I condemn'd for pride and scorn so much?
Contempt, farewell! and maiden pride, adieu!
No glory lives behind the back of such.
And, Benedick, love on; I will requite thee,
Taming my wild heart to thy loving hand:
If thou dost love, my kindness shall incite thee
To bind our loves up in a holy band.

Exit

42 | P a g e
SCENE 8 - Much Ado About Nothing Act 4 Sc 1

STUDENT
So they just told Beatrice that Benedick loved her and that was it – she fell in love
with him? That was easy!

TEACHER
Oh, nothing’s ever easy. Just like in real life. While this little game was going on, a
villain called Don John tricked everyone into thinking that Hero, Claudio’s fiancé,
had been cheating on him.

STUDENT
What did Claudio do?

TEACHER
Ditched her.

STUDENT
What, without even talking to her about? Getting Hero’s side of the story?

TEACHER
In those days your reputation was really important. Hero had a reputation as a
cheat now, so that was it.

STUDENT
That’s cold.

TEACHER
Yeah, Beatrice thought so. She was furious with Claudio and wanted revenge.

BENEDICK enters. BEATRICE is sitting on the block, sobbing.

BENEDICK
Lady Beatrice, have you wept all this while?

She walks away, not wanting him to see her like this.

BEATRICE
Yea, and I will weep a while longer.

BENEDICK
I will not desire that.

BEATRICE

43 | P a g e
You have no reason; I do it freely.

BENEDICK
Surely I do believe your fair cousin is wronged.

BEATRICE
Ah, how much might the man deserve of me that would right her!

BENEDICK
May a man do it?

BEATRICE
It is a man's office, but not yours.

BENEDICK
I do love nothing in the world so well as you: is
not that strange?

BEATRICE
As strange as the thing I know not. It were as
possible for me to say I loved nothing so well as
you: but believe me not; and yet I lie not; I
confess nothing, nor I deny nothing. I am sorry for my cousin.

Grabbing a stick from the bush.

BENEDICK
By my sword, Beatrice, thou lovest me.

BEATRICE
Do not swear, and eat it.

She shoves the stick in between his teeth.

BENEDICK
I will swear by it that you love me; and I will make
him eat it that says I love not you.

BEATRICE
Will you not eat your word?

BENEDICK
With no sauce that can be devised to it. I protest
I love thee.

44 | P a g e
BEATRICE
Why, then, God forgive me!

BENEDICK
What offence, sweet Beatrice?

BEATRICE
You have stayed me in a happy hour: I was about to
protest I loved you.

BENEDICK
And do it with all thy heart.

BEATRICE
I love you with so much of my heart that none is
left to protest.

They kiss.

BENEDICK
Come, bid me do any thing for thee.

BEATRICE
Kill Claudio.

BENEDICK
Ha! not for the wide world.

BEATRICE
You kill me to deny it. Farewell.

BENEDICK
Tarry, sweet Beatrice.

BEATRICE
I am gone, though I am here: there is no love in
you: nay, I pray you, let me go.

BENEDICK
Beatrice,--

BEATRICE
In faith, I will go.

45 | P a g e
BENEDICK
We'll be friends first.

BEATRICE
You dare easier be friends with me than fight with mine enemy.

BENEDICK
Is Claudio thine enemy?

BEATRICE
Is he not approved in the height a villain, that
hath slandered, scorned, dishonoured my kinswoman? O
that I were a man! What, bear her in hand until they
come to take hands; and then, with public
accusation, uncovered slander, unmitigated rancour,
--O God, that I were a man! I would eat his heart
in the market-place.

BENEDICK
Hear me, Beatrice,--

BEATRICE
Sweet Hero! She is wronged, she is slandered, she is undone.

BENEDICK
Beat--

BEATRICE
O that I were a man for his sake! or that I
had any friend would be a man for my sake!

BENEDICK
Think you in your soul the Count Claudio hath wronged Hero?

BEATRICE
Yea, as sure as I have a thought or a soul.

BENEDICK
Enough, I am engaged; I will challenge him. I will
kiss your hand, and so I leave you. By this hand,
Claudio shall render me a dear account.
Go, comfort your cousin and so, farewell.

Exeunt
46 | P a g e
SCENE 9 – Othello Act 5 Sc 2.

STUDENT
Whoa. So Benedick is going to challenge his best friend, Claudio, to a duel? All
because Claudio split up with Hero? That’s a bit extreme.

TEACHER
Extreme, maybe, but people do crazy things for love. It drives them mad,
sometimes.

STUDENT
Like that guy that killed his girlfriend over a handkerchief?

TEACHER
What, Othello? Yeah, that’s a great example of a love that turned to jealousy and
madness.

STUDENT
What happened?

TEACHER
Well, Othello’s ‘friend’ Iago had it in for him. Iago knew he couldn’t out-fight
Othello but he thought he could outsmart him. He convinced Othello that his wife,
Desdemona, was having an affair. He even stole the first gift Othello had ever
given her, a handkerchief, and used it as evidence that Desdemona was cheating.
Then he just sat back and let jealousy do its work.

A bedchamber in the castle: DESDEMONA in bed asleep; a light burning.

Enter OTHELLO

OTHELLO
It is the cause, it is the cause, my soul,--
Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars!--
It is the cause. Yet I'll not shed her blood;
Nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow.
Yet she must die, else she'll betray more men.
Put out the light, and then put out the light:
If I quench thee, thou flaming minister,
I can again thy former light restore,
Should I repent me: but once put out thy light,
I know not where is that Promethean heat
That can thy light relume.

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Kissing her

Be thus when thou art dead, and I will kill thee,

And love thee after. One more, and this the last:
So sweet was ne'er so fatal. I must weep,
But they are cruel tears.

DESDEMONA
Who's there? Othello?

OTHELLO
Ay. Desdemona.

DESDEMONA
Will you come to bed, my lord?

OTHELLO
Have you pray'd to-night, Desdemona?

DESDEMONA
Ay, my lord.

OTHELLO
If you bethink yourself of any crime
Unreconciled as yet to heaven and grace,
Solicit for it straight.

DESDEMONA
Alas, my lord, what do you mean by that?

OTHELLO
Well, do it, and be brief; I would not kill thy soul.

DESDEMONA
Talk you of killing?

OTHELLO
Ay, I do.

DESDEMONA
Then heaven
Have mercy on me!

OTHELLO
Amen, with all my heart!
48 | P a g e
DESDEMONA
If you say so, I hope you will not kill me.
And yet I fear you; for you are fatal then
When your eyes roll so: why I should fear I know not,
Since guiltiness I know not; but yet I feel I fear.

OTHELLO
Think on thy sins.

DESDEMONA
They are loves I bear to you.

OTHELLO
Ay, and for that thou diest.

DESDEMONA
That death's unnatural that kills for loving.
Alas, why gnaw you so your nether lip?
Some bloody passion shakes your very frame.

OTHELLO
Peace, and be still!

DESDEMONA
I will so. What's the matter?

OTHELLO
That handkerchief which I so loved and gave thee
Thou gavest to Cassio.

DESDEMONA
No, by my life and soul!
Send for the man, and ask him.

OTHELLO
Sweet soul, take heed,
Take heed of perjury; thou art on thy deathbed.

DESDEMONA
Ay, but not yet to die.

OTHELLO

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Yes, presently:
Therefore confess thee freely of thy sin;
Thou art to die.

DESDEMONA
Then Lord have mercy on me.
And have you mercy too! I never did
Offend you in my life; never loved Cassio.

OTHELLO
By heaven, I saw my handkerchief in's hand.
O perjured woman! thou dost stone my heart.
I saw the handkerchief.

DESDEMONA
He found it then;
I never gave it him: send for him hither;
Let him confess a truth.

OTHELLO
He hath confess'd.

DESDEMONA
What, my lord?

OTHELLO
That he hath used thee.

DESDEMONA
How? unlawfully?

OTHELLO
Ay.

DESDEMONA
He will not say so.

OTHELLO
No, his mouth is stopp'd;
Honest Iago hath ta'en order for't.

DESDEMONA
O! my fear interprets: what, is he dead?

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OTHELLO
Had all his hairs been lives, my great revenge
Had stomach for them all.

DESDEMONA
Alas! he is betray'd and I undone.

OTHELLO
Out, strumpet! weep'st thou for him to my face?

DESDEMONA
O, banish me, my lord, but kill me not!

OTHELLO
Down, strumpet!

DESDEMONA
Kill me to-morrow: let me live to-night!

OTHELLO
Nay, if you strive--

DESDEMONA
But half an hour!

OTHELLO
Being done, there is no pause.

DESDEMONA
But while I say one prayer!

OTHELLO
It is too late.

He stifles her

SCENE 10 – Much Ado About Nothing Act 5 Sc 2.

STUDENT
That was pretty dark.

TEACHER
Well, Othello did say he was going to ‘put out the light’.

STUDENT
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That’s not funny. Poor Desdemona, she hadn’t even done anything wrong.

TEACHER
Well let’s hope the lies Don John spread about Hero don’t get her killed. As it is,
Benedick had already challenged Claudio to a duel so someone’s going to get hurt.

STUDENT

Brilliant! A sword fight? Let’s go!

Enter BENEDICK and MARGARET, meeting. MARGARET is laying a table cloth

over the block. She passes the flowers in a vase, which were on the block, to
BENEDICK to hold.

BENEDICK
Pray thee, sweet Mistress Margaret, deserve well at
my hands by helping me to the speech of Beatrice.

MARGARET
Will you then write me a sonnet in praise of my beauty?

BENEDICK
In so high a style, Margaret, that no man living
shall come over it; for, in most comely truth, thou
deservest it.

MARGARET
To have no man come over me! why, shall I always
keep below stairs?

BENEDICK
Thy wit is as quick as the greyhound's mouth.

MARGARET
And yours as blunt as the fencer's foils, which hit,
but hurt not.

She hits him.

BENEDICK
A most manly wit, Margaret; it will not hurt a
woman: and so, I pray thee, call Beatrice: I give
thee the bucklers.

MARGARET

52 | P a g e
Give us the swords; we have bucklers of our own.
Well, I will call Beatrice to you, who I think hath legs.

BENEDICK
And therefore will come.

Exit MARGARET

BENEDICK smells himself and then uses some of the flower water as aftershave.

Enter BEATRICE

Sweet Beatrice, wouldst thou come when I called thee?

BEATRICE
Yea, signior, and depart when you bid me.

BENEDICK
O, stay but till then!

BEATRICE
'Then' is spoken; fare you well now: and yet, ere
I go, let me go with that I came; which is, with
knowing what hath passed between you and Claudio.

BENEDICK
Only foul words; and thereupon I will kiss thee.

BEATRICE
Foul words is but foul wind, and foul wind is but
foul breath therefore I will depart unkissed.

BENEDICK
But I must tell thee plainly,
Claudio undergoes my challenge; and either
I must shortly hear from him, or I will subscribe
him a coward. And, I pray thee now, tell me for
which of my bad parts didst thou first fall in love with me?

BEATRICE
For them all together. But for which of my
good parts did you first suffer love for me?

BENEDICK

53 | P a g e
Suffer love! a good epithet! I do suffer love
indeed, for I love thee against my will.

He turns his back on her in a huff.

BEATRICE
In spite of your heart, I think; alas, poor heart!
If you spite it for my sake, I will spite it for
yours; for I will never love that which my friend hates.

She turns her back on him in a huff.

A pause

BENEDICK
Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.
Now tell me, how doth your cousin?

BEATRICE
Very ill.

BENEDICK
And how do you?

BEATRICE
Very ill too.

BENEDICK
Serve God, love me and mend.

They embrace tenderly before jumping apart at URSULA’S approach.

There will I leave you too,

for here comes one in haste.

Enter URSULA, excitedly.

URSULA
Madam, you must come to your uncle. It is proved my Lady Hero hath been
falsely accused, the prince and Claudio mightily
abused; and Don John is the author of all, who is
fed and gone. Will you come presently?

BEATRICE nods, smiling, and waves her away.

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BEATRICE
Will you go hear this news, signior?

BENEDICK
I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be
buried in thy eyes; and moreover I will go with
thee to thy uncle's.

Exeunt DSC.

Meanwhile, entering on thrust, USL, LEONATA, DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO &

BALTHASAR cross to CS. HERO, URSULA & MARGARET stay SL, chatting
about the events of the play.

During this next bit of text, DON PEDRO & CLAUDIO apologise to HERO.
HERO curtsies to DON PEDRO and embraces CLAUDIO.

BALTHASAR
Did I not tell you she was innocent?

LEONATA
So are the prince and Claudio, who accused her
Upon an error.

BALTHASAR
Well, I am glad that all things sort so well.

BENEDICK & BEATRICE enter USR

BENEDICK
And so am I, being else by faith enforced
To call young Claudio to a reckoning for it.

CLAUDIO & BENEDICK shake hands CS. BEATRICE crosses to SL and talks to
ladies.

LEONATA begins to usher the men off SR. Calling to the ladies as he goes…

LEONATA
Well, daughter, and you gentle-women all,
Withdraw into a chamber by yourselves.

The ladies begin to leave. BENEDICK rushes across the stage and grabs
BEATRICE’S hand, stopping her.

55 | P a g e
BENEDICK
Do not you love me?

BEATRICE
Why, no; no more than reason.

BENEDICK
Why, then your uncle and the prince and Claudio
Have been deceived; they swore you did.

BEATRICE
Do not you love me?

BENEDICK
Troth, no; no more than reason.

BEATRICE
Why, then my cousin Margaret and Ursula
Are much deceived; for they did swear you did.

BENEDICK
They swore that you were almost sick for me.

BEATRICE
They swore that you were well-nigh dead for me.

BENEDICK
'Tis no such matter. Then you do not love me?

BEATRICE
No, truly, but in friendly recompense.

LEONATA
Come, cousin, I am sure you love the gentleman.

MARGARET
And I'll be sworn upon't that he loves her;
(Plucking a note from BENEDICK’S pocket)
For here's a paper written in his hand,
A halting sonnet of his own pure brain,
Fashion'd to Beatrice.

BEATRICE looks smugly at him.

56 | P a g e
HERO (Plucking a note from Beatrice’s pocket)
And here's another

Beatrice checks her pockets in panic.

Writ in my cousin's hand, stolen from her pocket,

Containing her affection unto Benedick.

BENEDICK
A miracle! here's our own hands against our hearts.
Come, I will have thee; but, by this light, I take
thee for pity.

BEATRICE
I would not deny you; but, by this good day, I yield
upon great persuasion; and partly to save your life,
for I was told you were in a consumption.

BENEDICK
Peace! I will stop your mouth.

Kissing her.

They all clap. BEATRICE, still kissing BENEDICK, waves them away and pushes
BENEDICK through the curtains.

Scene 11 – The Epilogue

STUDENT
I don’t get it. They still seem to hate each other.

TEACHER
Yes, but they also love each other. You see, Shakespeare knew that love, real love,
is not perfect.

Two lads enter. They begin to speak together. Surprised they stop and then
continue, slowly, coming to terms with their shared experience of love.

Sonnet 130

My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;

Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,

57 | P a g e
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

TEACHER
There you go. That’s real love. That’s the sort of love that builds marriages not the
kind that inspires love songs. It’s not all Romeo and Julie, kissing in the garden.

STUDENT
It’s Romeo and Juliet and it’s a balcony.

TEACHER
See, you’ve learnt something. (Picks up the book from the floor and hands it to the
STUDENT) If you want to learn more you might want to read a bit on your own.
I’ll leave you to it.

The STUDENT looks at the book for a moment, shrugs and settles down to read it.
He/she puts in his/her earphones.

SFX – I Luv U – Edited Mix

Curtain.

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Notes

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