Reader's Digest March 2020

MARCH 2020
5
Anger FI N D T H
E
Fixes
By LISA
BENDALL
C H
H E LLE CROU
By M I C
Outrageous
RULINGS!
From YOU BE THE JUDGE
Tragedy Couldn’t
Kill Their Faith
From TEXAS MONTHLY
“How I Quit My
Fast-Food Habit”
From the book
THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
The Most Daring

Parachute
Rescue EVER
An RD CLASSIC
Reader ’s Digest
CONTENTS
Features 78 92
first person national interest
56
cover story
My Fast-Food
Love Affair
It was an obsession
Faithful Friends
Sabika was a Muslim
student from Pakistan.
FIND THE DOCTOR that the author couldn’t Jaelyn was a home-
YOU TRUST seem to quit. Then he
found inspiration on
schooled Christian.
It’s a worrisome era Somehow, they became
for us patients. A the day before Lent— inseparable—until the
veteran RD health aka Fat Tuesday. unthinkable happened.
by tommy tomlinson by skip hollandsworth
journalist shares from the book from texas monthly
hard-won lessons the elephant in the room
from her reporting—
and her family’s own 84 106
inspiration
health crisis. you be the judge
He Trots the Air
by michelle crouch Outrageous Verdicts! Her horse had stayed
An RD favorite is back, by her side for 25 years.
70
drama in real life
with four rulings that Now it was time to let
infuriated their losers. him go.
Miracle in Midair Do you agree? by pam houston
Almost 80 years after by vicki glembocki from outside
it unfolded in the sky
over San Diego, this
rescue mission remains
one of the most
daring in
aeronautical
history.
by virginia kelly
joleen zubek
78
Reader ’s Digest Contents
Departments
6 Dear Reader
8 Letters
everyday heroes
10 A Cut Above
by frank bures
13 Four-Legged
Ice Rescue
by andy simmons
i won!
14 The World’s
Ugliest Dog
Contest
quotable quotes
18 Ellen DeGeneres,
Harry Styles,
Mariano Rivera
department of wit
20 Daddy Issues
from the onion
10
On the Cover
Photograph by Hannah Whitaker
Find the Doctor You Trust...................................... 56

Outrageous Rulings! .............................................. 84
ackerman + gruber
Tragedy Couldn’t Kill Their Faith.......................... 92

“How I Quit My Fast-Food Habit” ........................ 78
The Most Daring Parachute Rescue Ever........... 70
5 Anger Fixes............................................................ 24
2 march 2020 | rd.com

Reader ’s Digest Contents
24 Humor
116
16
Life in These
United States
46
Laughter, the Best
Medicine
69
how to Laugh Lines
24 Get Angry the 76
Right Way All in a Day’s Work
by lisa bendall
104
everyday miracles Humor in
28 Rescue in a Bottle Uniform
left to right: joleen zubek, jenny sturm/shutterstock, vipman/shutterstock

by jen mccaffery
we found a fix The Genius
33 Use Less Soap,
and More
Section
116 Train Like a
the food on Master
your plate by aishwarya kumar
36 I Am Pork from espn.com
by kate lowenstein 120 Brain Games
and daniel gritzer
123 Word Power
your true stories 128 Photo Finish
40 Long-Lost Heroes
and Lunchtime Send letters to letters@rd.com or Letters, Reader’s Digest, PO Box 6100,
Laughs Harlan, Iowa 51593-1600. Include your full name, address, e-mail, and day-
time phone number. We may edit letters and use them in all print and elec-
13 things tronic media. Contribute your True Stories at rd.com/stories. If we publish
one in a print edition of Reader’s Digest, we’ll pay you $100. To submit humor
42 The Dirt on items, visit rd.com/submit, or write to us at Jokes, 44 South Broadway,
Organic Farming 7th Floor, White Plains, NY 10601. We’ll pay you $25 for any joke or gag and
by jen mccaffery $100 for any true funny story published in a print edition of Reader’s Digest un-
less we specify otherwise in writing. Please include your full name and address
news from the in your entry. We regret that we cannot acknowledge or return unsolicited
world of medicine work. Requests for permission to reprint any material from Reader’s Digest
52 A New Type should be sent to permissions@tmbi.com. Get help with questions on sub-
scriptions, renewals, gifts, address changes, payments, account information,
of Dementia, and other inquiries at rd.com/help, or write to us at customercare@rd.com or
and More Reader’s Digest, PO Box 6095, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1595.

Reader ’s Digest
DEAR READER
A Life Saved
L
ast year, we heard from reader
Veronica Njoku-Carter the kind
With content now found on
of tale we’ve been hearing for thehealthy.com, Njoku-Carter
decades. A college counselor in Cali- gave her husband new life.
fornia, she was browsing our e-mail
newsletter in bed the morning after and taxes as the grim givens. A survey
Thanksgiving when she spotted a done for us by IPSOS (see our cover
headline that made her curious. story on page 56) found that about
As she read our comfortingly sci- half of adults with chronic conditions
entific article, she got worried. Her are frustrated by their MD’s diagnosis.
husband, Derrick Carter, hadn’t been Many, like Njoku-Carter, have to take
feeling great for a while; now the their care into their own hands.
little discomforts he’d noted jumped That’s why we just started a website
off her screen. All were symptoms of called The Healthy. RD has led cov-
from top: courtesy veronica njoku-carter. matthew cohen

congestive heart failure. erage of medicine for a century, but
She got him to phone his doctor im- today the need is for more intensive
mediately. The call nurse directed him online help. Staffed by our best health
straight to the ER. “I thank God that I reporters, the site curates our most
read your article when I did,” Njoku- trusted content from experts and real
Carter wrote. “It saved his life.” At the people to inspire positive action.
hospital, an angiogram revealed Try out thehealthy.com. And
three blocked arteries. “We had write me about your own medi-
no idea his symptoms were cal mystery. I know Njoku-
signs of something so severe,” Carter is not alone among you
Njoku-Carter said. Five days in having a valuable health
and a few stents later, he was story to share.
back at home, alive and well.
Bruce Kelley,
Dealing with myste-
editor-in-chief
rious ailments with-
out much help seems Write to me at
to have joined death letters@rd.com.
6 march 2020 | r
Reader ’s Digest
visiting a friend at
LETTERS
a local hospital and
had recently had hip
Notes on the surgery. I was dealing
Dec./Jan. issue with hip issues myself,
and he offered me
advice. My husband
arrived and whispered
A Time for Miracles to me, “That’s Charles
Barkley.”
I lost my father in May. Today in the mail —Peggy Schroeder
I received a Reader’s Digest in his name Albuquerque,
but with my address. Of all things, it was New Mexico
the Christmas Miracles issue. We both
The View from
enjoyed the magazine, but I usually buy it Gun Country
at the grocery store. I just wanted you to As a gun-owning
know they sell subscriptions in heaven. southerner, I want to
—L.M. via e-mail thank Elaina Plott for
writing a piece that so
eloquently illustrates
Mind Your Manners! the damaged phone. the way many of us feel:
Even before reading The young lady was torn between a way of
this article, I had de- irresponsible for life we love and the
cided what to say the leaving her phone next commonsense things
next time someone to the pool, where many of us feel should
says I don’t look handi- anybody could have be done to curb gun
capped: “Thank you. kicked it into the water. violence. Every Ameri-
It’s nice to know the —Mike Barnard can, regardless of
eight orthopedic sur- Plano, Texas where they fall on the
geries don’t show that political spectrum,
much!” “My Pal Charles” should read this.
—Dori Ownbey Several years ago, my —C.h. via e-mail
Laramie, Wyoming husband and I were
meeting in a hotel bar, How to Help a
I could not disagree and I arrived early. A Friend Grieve
more with the advice tall man with a cane Several people stand
that the son should pay joined me, and we got out in my memory from
for some of the cost of to chatting. He was my mother’s death

more than 30 years ago. and I”? Or is that one EVEN EARLIER
Mom died suddenly of
a heart attack just after
of the grammar rules
that has gone by the
PREDICTIONS
midnight. Just after wayside? (Sounds like
✦ In your roundup of
sunrise, I looked out a nice relationship with science fiction gadgets
the window and saw your mom!) that later became reality,
Mrs. Luckas and Mrs. —Fran McCullough I was surprised you left
Hamilton walking up Bethesda, Maryland out Maxwell Smart’s shoe
the drive. They told us phone from Get Smart,
they had come to wash From the editors: which preceded the
dishes. All day they On me versus I: If the cell phone by several
washed dishes and photo were of Bruce decades. It even went off
stored the contributions alone, the caption once in a theater.
of food that friends and would be “Me, back —Stu Lewis
family brought. They in the day.” Nothing prairie village, kansas
didn’t ask us what we changes grammatically ✦ In the 1960s and ’70s,
needed. They just saw when you make it sci-fi author Larry Niven
a need and filled it. As “Me and my mom ...” often wrote about people
author Megan Devine As for always putting who would no longer
said, “Say something. other people before use cash but instead
Do something.” yourself in a sentence, conduct transactions
—Sue Ellen Brazell we heard this grammar with an electronic card
Clarksville, Tennessee tip from a number of that took the money
readers, but there’s ac- straight from their bank
Dear Reader tually no official rule account.
In the photo caption dictating it (though it —Douglas Engelhardt
las vegas, nevada
of Bruce Kelley and his certainly sounds
mother, shouldn’t it polite!).
be “My mother, Shirley,
Go Ahead, Flatter Yourself

redpixel.pl/shutterstock
“Flattery will get you nowhere.” Oh, really? Who among us doesn’t stand up
a little straighter after receiving a well-timed word of praise? Thinking back,
what was the best compliment anyone ever paid you? (On the flip
side, if you recall a particularly clever backhanded compliment,
we’d love to hear that too.) Please visit RD.COM/FLATTERY to
share your story and see terms.
Reader ’s Digest
EVERYDAY HEROES
Wheeling her red chair and scissors around
the city, a salon owner gives out-of-luck strangers
the gift of visibility—one free hairdo at a time
A Cut Above
By Frank Bures
L
ast summer , Katie Steller to help her load a red chair into her
pulled off the freeway on her car. Then the two of them drove back.
way to work in Minneapolis. She The man, named Edward, took a seat,
stopped at a traffic light, where a man and they trimmed his curly graying
was sitting with a sign asking for help. hair. He told them about growing
She rolled down her window. up in Mississippi, about moving to
“Hey!” she shouted. “I’m driving Minnesota to be closer to his adult
around giving free haircuts. If I go children, and how he still talks to his
grab my chair, do you want one right mom every day.
now?” After Steller was done, Edward
The man looked to be in his 60s. He looked in a mirror. “I look good!” he
was heavyset, balding, and missing a said. “I’ll have to remember to put my
few teeth. As Steller likes to tell the teeth in next time.”
story, he laughed, then paused. “Ac- To date, Steller has given 30 or so
tually,” he said, “I have a funeral to go such haircuts to people around the
to this week. I was really hoping to get city. These clients are all living on the
a haircut.” margins, and she is keenly aware of
“I’ll be right back,” Steller said. the power of her cleanup job.
She drove off, went to the salon she “It’s more than a haircut,” she
owns, and recruited one of her stylists says. “I want it to be a gateway, to
10 march 2020 | rd.com Photograph by Ackerman + Gruber

Steller and her
magic chair, on
the road to their
next free haircut
Reader ’s Digest
show value and respect, but also to back on their feet. The attention ap-
get to know people. I want to build parently works. When she was cutting
relationships.” a woman’s hair one day, someone
Steller knows that a haircut can drove by and yelled, “You look amaz-
change a life. One changed hers: As a ing!” The woman in the chair beamed.
teen, she suffered from a bowel dis- “I’m not invisible,” she exclaimed.
ease called ulcerative colitis that was “I thought I was invisible. Look, peo-
so severe, her hair thinned drastically. ple see me!”
Seeing this, her mother arranged for Another man was on his way to a
Steller’s first professional haircut. job interview at a pet-supply store
“To sit down and have somebody when he accepted Steller’s offer.
look at me and talk to me like a per- When she followed up, she learned
son and not just an illness, it helped he didn’t get that job, but he did get a
me feel cared about and less alone,” landscaping job soon afterward.
she says. An offshoot of the Red Chair Proj-
ect is the Steller Kindness Project,
“I CAN’T FIX THEIR in which people who commit acts of
kindness (volunteering for hurricane
PROBLEMS, BUT MAYBE relief, helping neighbors in need) are
I CAN HELP THEM FEEL invited for a free makeover at Steller’s
LESS ALONE.” salon. In exchange, they tell their sto-
ries, which Steller shares on her web-
site. Her hope is that by reading about
After that, Steller knew she wanted kind acts, others will be inspired to
to have her own salon so she could spread their own.
help people feel the way she’d felt that So far, it’s working, she says. “I’ve
day. Not long after finishing cosmetol- had people reach out from around the
ogy school in 2009, she began what country, saying, ‘I’m going to shelters
she now calls her Red Chair Project, and cutting hair.’ Or, ‘I’ve driven by
reaching out to people on the streets. this woman for the past two years, and
“Part of what broke my heart was I’ve never stopped to say hi. Now I say
just how lonely people looked,” she hi to her every time I drive by.’”
says. “I thought maybe I’d go around And it all began with a belief in
and ask if people want free haircuts. simple acts of kindness, such as a
I can’t fix their problems, but maybe free haircut. “The way you show up in
I can help them feel less alone for a the world matters,” says Steller. “You
moment.” have no idea what people are going
Steller listens to people’s stories of to do with the kindness that you give
loss, addiction, and struggle to get them.” RD
12 march 2020
Everyday Heroes
His heart thumping, Arens slid

A Four-Legged closer to the dog and used the other
man’s rock to smash away at the ice.
Ice Rescue He gave one strong heave too many
and slipped off the boat, crashing into
16 feet of frigid water.
By Andy Simmons He resurfaced in time to see the dog
going under. Using nervous energy to
U
PS driver Ryan Arens was keep warm, he swam about five feet
making his rounds near a pond toward her, grabbed hold of her col-
in Bozeman, Montana, when lar, and pulled her to the ice. He then
he heard an unearthly sound. “Like boosted the dog into the boat and slid
a cry for help,” he told thedodo.com, it back to the shore, where anxious
a website for animal bystanders car r ied
lovers. It was Decem- the dog to the home
ber 2018, and about of the rowboat owner,
15 feet from the frozen a retired veterinar-
banks was the source ian. Once in the house
of that cry—a half- himself, Arens jumped
submerged brown- into a warm shower
and-white wirehaired with the dog until
hound, struggling to they both defrosted. A
cling to a thin layer of few more minutes in
ice. How she got there the pond, the vet told
no one knows, but an Arens, and she would
elderly man was al- have likely suffered
ready on the scene, de- cardiac arrest.
termined to save her. Arens and Sadie on terra firma The next day, Arens
He’d entered the pond was back working the
in a rowboat and was hacking away at same neighborhood when the dog’s
the ice with a rock to create a path to owner came over to thank him for
the dog. It was slow going, and Arens, saving Sadie. “Would you like to meet
44, thought he stood a better chance. her?” he asked.
courtesy ryan arens
“Animals are my weakness,” he told He opened the door to his pickup,

the Great Falls Tribune, explaining and Sadie bolted out. She made a
why he stripped down to his boxers beeline for Arens, leaping on him and
and socks, even though the tempera- bathing him in wet kisses. That special
ture was in the 30s, and comman- delivery, says Arens, “was the high-
deered the rowboat. light of my UPS career.” RD
rd.com 13
Reader ’s Digest
I WON!
The World’s
UGLIEST
DOG
CONTEST
yvonne morones,
Santa Rosa, California
How did you first meet

Scamp the Tramp?
It was just like the
young people on Tin-
der. When I saw Scamp
on Petfinder, all of a
sudden I understood get a mango shampoo him. They’ll even write
what that was like. I and a coconut condi- little adventure stories
swiped right because I tioner, but these gray about Scamp. He just
fell in love with his face. dreads just appear on inspires people.
his head, back, and tail.
What did you know The groomer says his Has being crowned
about him when you hair is uncontrollable. the world’s ugliest dog
adopted him? changed him?
He’d been living on the Scamp works with you He’s no longer Scamp
street in Compton, Cali- as a social therapy dog the Tramp. He’s now
fornia, and people were too. How do people react Scamp the Champ.
feeding him Taco Bell. to his unusual looks? Now I have to get him
And his name was Muf- The first time he went a new dog tag.
fin Man, which didn’t to the senior center
seem to fit him at all. with me, the seniors
just laughed and said, Scamp will defend his
What do you do to give “Yvonne, what have World’s Ugliest Dog title
him that bed head look? you got there?” Then at California’s Sonoma-
It’s au naturel! He does they fell in love with Marin Fair in June.
14 march 2020 | rd.com illustration by John Cuneo

barbara smaller/everyone’s a critic/courtesy princeton architectural press
“It’s good, but I don’t know if it’s refrigerator-door good.”
admitted. “What’s all me to eat dirt three

this I hear on the news times a day in order to
LIFE
in these
about banning baking
products?”
survive. It’s a good
thing my older brother
United States I patted her hand told me about it.
reassuringly and said, —onelinefun.com
“That’s vaping
products.” In one of his last inter-
Over dinner, I could —Joseph McLaughlin views, Eddie Money,
sense something was Winthrop, Massachusetts the late musician and
bothering my mother, star of AXS TV’s reality
so I asked if anything When I was a boy, I had show Real Money, ad-
was wrong. “Yes,” she a disease that required mitted to Rolling Stone
16 march 2020
Reader ’s Digest
The difference between dog people and off at a bakery to

cat people: Dog people wish their dogs were pick up dessert. After
scanning the display
people. Cat people wish they were cats. case, I settled on a
—@simonsinek dozen pound-cake
cupcakes. The clerk’s
that his wife didn’t like Something tells me pleasant response:
how he appeared I need to lose some “Is that for here or
on-screen. weight. During a recent to go?”
“My wife says to me, trip to visit my son and —Mike Cowan
‘You look heavy on TV.’ his family, I stopped Sandersville, Georgia
I said, ‘Honey, the
camera adds ten
pounds.’ She said to
me, ‘How many cam- WHY, GRANDMOTHER, WHAT A SHARP
eras did they use?’ ” TONGUE YOU HAVE!
an nguyen/shutterstock (jalapeños), africa studio/shutterstock (cookies)
Sure, they look sweet, but some grandmas just

Kitchen Yin ... don’t have a filter.
My husband’s favorite ✦ My freshman and said, “We
place to stand is right year of college, always thought it
in front of whatever my grandma would be you.”
cabinet I need. mailed me sugar ✦ I had just met
— @sixfootcandy cookies for my my boyfriend’s
... and Yang birthday but wrote family for the first
Pretty sure my wife’s in the card that time. As I was
she’d put jala- leaving, his
memoir would be
peños in them so grandma gave me
called Just Take the that I would know
Extra Two Seconds a hug and said it
she was thinking of was wonderful to
and Put It in the me “but wouldn’t meet me. I said,
Dishwasher. gain the weight.” “Thank you. It’s
— @Tired_Dad_of_2 ✦ When my nice to know I
older sister told have approval.” To
my family she was which she replied,
Your funny true pregnant out of “Oh, now, dear, just be-
story could be worth wedlock and not in a cause we like you doesn’t
$$$. For details, go to relationship, my grandma mean we approve.”
rd.com/submit. sighed, looked at me, —thechive.com
rd.com 17
Reader ’s Digest
QUOTABLE QUOTES
Man cannot live by coffee alone, but he will give it a good try.
—Harry Styles, musician
I want people to see me and go, “Oh my God, she got so old!”
from left: kristina bumphrey. broadimage. marion curtis. ken mckay (all shutterstock)
—Linda Hamilton, actor
Karma’s going to make sure I come back

as a lobster—I’ve cooked too many.
—David Chang, chef
If you’re one of those people who says, “Please, no gifts on my

birthday,” you and I are very different. I like gifts. I demand
them. I’ll make you feel awkward if you don’t get me one.
—John Krasinski, actor
To me, that’s the American dream—that if you just keep putting

one foot in front of the other, fantastical things can happen.
—Sheryl Crow, singer
styles hamilton krasinski crow

When I say “Be kind to one another,”
I don’t mean only the people that think the same way
you do. I mean be kind to everyone.
—Ellen DeGeneres, comedian
Work eight hours and sleep eight hours,

and make sure they are not the same eight hours.
—T. Boone Pickens, businessman
There’s some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.
—J. R. R. Tolkien, author
from left: michael buckner/variety. seth wenig/ap. ap (all shutterstock)
POINT TO PONDER
I was a boy from Puerto Caimito, with a glove
made of cardboard and a tree branch as a bat and a baseball
wrapped with tape. That’s the reason why I always thank God,
because my abilities weren’t enough. To end up
in Cooperstown the way I ended up there is like the cherry on
top of the ice cream, or however that goes.
—Mariano Rivera, athlete
degeneres rivera tolkien 19

DEPARTMENT OF WIT
Daddy Issues
Important breaking news about fathers!
from the onion

Reader ’s Digest
1 Four-Year-Old Convinced Father

Is a Moron After 45th Consecutive
even crouched behind it or anything.”
At press time, a visibly frustrated
Connor had emerged from his hiding
Hide-and-Seek Victory spot to help his father search for his
GLENDALE, PENNSYLVANIA—Expressing two-year-old brother.
2
embarrassment and disappointment
over being the son of such a loser, lo-
cal four-year-old Connor Heyward was Reality of Fatherhood Never
convinced Friday that his father, Craig Truly Dawned on Man Until He Held
Heyward, was a moron after losing 45 Newborn Son’s Hospital Bill
consecutive games of hide-and-seek. MISSOULA, MONTANA—Describing how
“Jeez, this is bad. I’ve hidden be- he suddenly found himself over-
hind that bush a dozen times, and this whelmed by a flood of intense emo-
dope still can’t find me,” said Connor, tions, local man Mike Bentzen told
confessing that after finding his father reporters Monday the reality of father-
hood didn’t truly set in for him until
“HIS BEST HIDING SPOT the moment he held his newborn
son’s hospital bill.
WAS BEHIND THE BACK “Wow, this is going to totally change
DOOR. WHO HIDES my life,” said Bentzen as tears welled
BEHIND A DOOR?” up in his eyes, adding that he was left
completely speechless by the little
bundle of papers and that it would
crouched behind a chair half his size, probably take some time before the
he had started to worry he might magnitude of what had just happened
grow up to be a “complete imbecile” fully sank in. “I’ve had friends tell me
just like his dad. “At first, I thought I about their experience, but you can’t
might be really good at this game, but understand what it feels like until
after about an hour hiding under- you’re looking down at it in your own
neath a hamper with visible holes, I hands. It’s hard to even put into words.
realized he’s completely out to lunch. Whatever my world was like before, I
It’d be one thing if he were only bad just know things are going to be very
at seeking, but so far, his best hiding different from this day forward.”
spot was behind the back door. Who Bentzen reportedly started weep-
hides behind a door? There’s no strat- ing softly as he sat down with his son’s
egy to it whatsoever. One time, I went medical invoice in his lap and began
out to find him and he was just stand- imagining how he would deal with
ing behind a kitchen stool—he wasn’t this for the next 18 years.
illustrations by Martin Laksman rd.com | march 2020 21

Reader ’s Digest Department of Wit
3 Baby Distracted by Father.

Now He Fears He Left Home
Without Oversize Multicolored
Plastic Keys
ROCKFORD, ILLINOIS—Patting down his
onesie with mounting concern, local
eight-month-old Joshua McManus
was reportedly overcome by a sharp
sinking feeling Monday upon realizing
HE WAS LEFT
SPEECHLESS BY THE
LITTLE BUNDLE
OF PAPERS.
he had left home without his over-

size multicolored plastic keys. “Oh
no—you have got to be kidding me,”
Joshua thought, his stomach dropping I headed out that I must have totally
as he wondered how he could possi- spaced on grabbing them. I bet they’re
bly make it through the day without still sitting there on the activity table
his large ring of blue, pink, yellow, right next to my phone on wheels. I’m
and green keys. “Ah, for crying out such an idiot.” RD
loud. I got so wrapped up in that
reprinted with permission of the onion, copyright
game of peekaboo with Dada before © 2015, 2016, and 2019 by onion, inc., theonion.com.
The First “American” Word

In a letter he sent home in 1608, British explorer John Smith described
a critter he called a rahaughcum. There was no English word for the North
American animal, so Smith borrowed the sounds used by the Algonquian.
Over the years, the name was simplified to raccoon, which is now considered
one of the first English words coined in America.
rosemarie ostler, in splendiferous speech:
how early americans pioneered their own brand of english

HOW TO
Get Angry
the Right Way
Understanding your rage can help
you express it more healthfully
By Lisa Bendall
T
HE DRIVER WHO cuts you off in
traffic. The neighbors who don’t
pick up after their dog. The in-
surance company that keeps you on
hold for an eternity. Situations such as
these get our hearts racing and send
our stress levels skyrocketing. Anger
isn’t a pleasant feeling. Some of us
bottle up the emotion, while others
stylist: mae lander
explode in a wild rage. Both habits

have repercussions for our bodies, our
minds, and our relationships.
Anger may feel uncomfortable, but
it’s also normal and healthy. “A lot of
Photographs by Joleen Zubek

Reader ’s Digest
people think they have to get rid of doesn’t take much imagination to pre-
their anger,” says Patrick Keelan, a dict how a furious rampage can affect
registered psychologist in Calgary, Al- your relationships with your spouse,
berta. “But anger is an emotion built your kids, or your coworkers.
into us to signal that something needs It also hurts your health. A large 2016
to be addressed.” When we take notice study at McMaster University found
of that signal and actually rectify the that people are more than twice as
problem instead of ignoring it, we’re likely to have a heart attack after an an-
usually much better for it. gry outburst. The increased blood pres-
Unfortunately, many of us have been sure and heart rate put stress on the
conditioned to keep our emotions cardiovascular system, and if there’s al-
hidden. Increasingly, research is sug- ready some plaque buildup, the blood
gesting that this can have long-term ef- flow to the heart may be restricted.
fects on our health. Investigators at the If we shouldn’t bottle up our angry
University of Rochester noticed that
people who suppress their emotions
tend to have shorter life spans. They’re BOTTLING UP ANGER
more likely to die earlier from cancer, ISN’T HEALTHY, BUT
for example. When we’re angry, stress NEITHER IS LETTING
hormones such as adrenaline and cor-
tisol are released, which can make us IT OUT IN A FURY.
prone to developing a wide range of
diseases, including diabetes, depres-
sion, and autoimmune conditions. feelings but aggressive behavior isn’t
Is it better, then, to scream and hol- healthy either, how should we handle
ler whenever something makes you things that tick us off? It’s the extreme
mad? That’s the rationale behind the highs and lows that take a toll. If you’re
“rage rooms” that have popped up in able to apply techniques that smooth
many American cities, where folks are out some of those peaks and valleys,
invited to vent their anger by violently you can have a gentler ride.
smashing stuff in a “safe” environment. Start by looking beyond the super-
“The theory is that you get the anger ficial trigger to your fury. Anger is
out of your system through aggressive often precipitated by underlying feel-
actions, and it’s cathartic,” says Keelan. ings of fear, anxiety, disappointment,
“But the research indicates that when and guilt. Maybe you’re furious that
we display our anger aggressively, it your spouse is late, but it’s really be-
can actually increase the intensity of cause you were afraid he or she had
the anger—and increase the likelihood had a car accident in the bad weather.
of aggressive actions in the future.” It Also, pay closer attention to your
rd.com | march 2020 25

Reader ’s Digest How to Get Angry the Right Way
It helps to take a cool-down period

before explaining to someone you’re
angry with how he or she rocked your
boat. That will allow for the effects of
the adrenaline to wear off, which in
turn allows you to reflect on what’s
bothering you. Do some controlled
breathing or find some physical activ-
ity to take the edge off. “There’s clear
evidence that exercise helps with feel-
ings of anger,” says McIntosh.
When you’re ready to approach the
other person, focus on the behavior
and why it upsets you, not the person’s
triggers—those daily irritations that character traits. Avoid calling the other
you know will set you off. Do you get person names. Don’t swear, and don’t
angry at the long lines at the grocery make generalizations, such as “You
store? Take a step back and consider always do this!” The idea, says Keelan,
that it isn’t personal. Everyone in the “is to bring up your reasonable points
line has dinner to make, just like you. to the other person in a manner that
One proven method of dealing with is most likely to get a constructive and
anger is to talk about it. Brain imaging nondefensive response.”
at the University of California–Los An- If you’re on the receiving end, re-
geles and elsewhere has shown that if member that there are benefits to ac-
you name your feelings, you can actu- knowledging and trying to understand
ally calm the activity in the amygdala, the other person’s anger. Try offering
the part of the brain that triggers the to make a change, if that seems fair to
release of adrenaline and cortisol. you. If you’re willing to be a partner
“There is a value to expressing that in working through heated situations,
you don’t like what’s happening, be- the other person will be much more
cause it’s an opportunity for change,” likely to bring matters up construc-
says Diane McIntosh, a psychiatrist in tively in the future. In the end, you’ll
Vancouver, British Columbia. both be healthier for it.
A Joyful Measure
Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
robert frost, poet

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Reader ’s Digest
EVERYDAY MIRACLES
Rescue in a Bottle
By Jen McCaffery
C
urtis Whitson knew the water- continue on his way, as he had on a
fall was coming. He’d rafted previous trip.
down the Arroyo Seco, a river But this year was different. Heavy
in central California, before. He fig- snow and spring rains had turned
ured he would hop out of his raft into the usually manageable falls into
the shallow water, rappel down the something fierce. And this year,
rocks on either side of the falls, and instead of his buddy, Whitson’s
28 march 2020 Illustration by Gel Jamlang

companions were his girlfriend, carved “Help!” on it. Ramirez also re-
Krystal Ramirez, and his 13-year-old minded him that he had a pen and
son, Hunter. As the three of them paper, which she’d brought to play
approached the falls late in the games with, in his backpack.
afternoon of the third day of their Whitson knew it was a long shot.
camping trip, Whitson could tell from But he scrawled “6-15-19 We are stuck
the increasing roar of water in the here @ the waterfall. Get help please”
narrowing canyon that they were in and shoved the note into the bottle.
serious trouble. There was no way This time, his throw over the water-
they’d be able to rappel down the fall was perfect.
rocks as planned. “All right, that’s all we can do,” Whit-
“ The water was just gushing son told Hunter.
through there with tremendous force,” It took 30 minutes to navigate back
recalls Whitson, 45. upstream to the beach where they’d
They could wade to the shore, but
would anyone find them there? They WHITSON KNEW IT
had no cell service, and they hadn’t WAS A LONG SHOT,
seen a single person in the past three
days. And Whitson knew that they’d BUT HE SCRAWLED
be sharing the ground there with “GET HELP PLEASE.”
rattlesnakes and mountain lions.
As he pondered what to do, Whit-
son hit on a bit of luck—he heard had lunch. They made a fire and
voices coming from the other side of laid out a tarp. With no reasonable
the falls. He yelled, but the sound of expectation that their message in a
the rushing water drowned him out. bottle would find its way to anyone,
We have to get these people a mes- they threw another Hail Mary pass:
sage, Whitson thought. They spelled out SOS in white rocks,
He grabbed a stick and pulled out which they set on the blue tarp. As the
his pocketknife to carve “Help” in it. evening wore on, they placed a head-
Then he tied a rope to it so the people lamp with a flashing light on a ledge
would know it wasn’t just any stick. so that the SOS could be seen from
He tried tossing it over the falls, but overhead.
it floated away in the wrong direction. By about 10:30 p.m., they decided
“We’ve got to do something!” Whit- they probably weren’t going to get
son yelled to his son. “Have we got rescued that night, so they pulled out
anything else?” their sleeping bags. Before turning in,
Then he spotted his green Nalgene Ramirez stoked the fire to keep the
water bottle. Whitson grabbed it and mountain lions away.
rd.com 29
Reader ’s Digest Everyday Miracles
Then, just after midnight, they by a message in a bottle,” Whitson says.

heard a helicopter hovering above When the officers dropped them
them. Whitson turned to his son and back at the Arroyo Seco Camp-
started shaking him. ground, the trio learned more about
“They’re here!” he said. the long shot events that had saved
Whitson ran over to the headlamp them: Two men had seen the water
and started flashing it at the heli- bottle bobbing in the water. When
copter. He, Ramirez, and Hunter were they picked it up, they noticed
waving and hollering when they heard the writing on it—“Help!”—which
the magic words: “This is Search and piqued their curiosity. Then they re-
Rescue. You have been found.” alized there was a note inside. After
The helicopter circled as the pilot they read it, they hightailed it to the
looked for a good place to land. campground, turned the bottle in,
Finding none, the crew announced and took off without leaving their
to the campers over the PA system names.
that they would not be rescued until “It wasn’t about notoriety; it wasn’t
morning and told them to conserve about leaving their names,” Whitson
their firewood. says. “It was just a matter of: Here’s
The next morning, the helicopter the water bottle, here’s the note, here’s
returned and lowered a crew mem- the information we know.”
ber on a cable. Then rescuers lifted A few days after news of the rescue
Hunter, Ramirez, and Whitson out of broke, one of the hikers contacted
the gorge one by one and deposited Whitson. That’s when he learned the
them and their gear on the closest rest of the story. There were actually
bluff where the helicopter could safely two little girls hiking with the men
land. that day. It was the girls who first
It was a moment of pure happiness spotted the bottle and swam to get it.
as the three chatted with the officers Whitson is planning on having a big
who had rescued them. Together, they barbecue to meet the hikers—and
marveled at the unlikelihood of it all. thank them.
“They said that in the 25 years that “I imagine it’s going to be one of
they’ve been performing these kinds the greatest moments of my life,” he
of rescues, no one’s ever been rescued says. RD
A Work in Progress
I love you just the way you are. Though I do have a few suggestions.
@wildethingy

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Reader ’s Digest
WE 1
FOUND
Keep Your Cat from Getting a Shock
pets Does your cat like to gnaw on elec-
A FIX
9 Tricks to
trical cables? Discourage him or her
by dabbing the cords with Grannick’s
Improve Your Life* Bitter Apple or another deterrent
spray for pets. Cats hate the flavor.
pakula piotar/shutterstock (cat), xpixel/shutterstock (wires)
*From RD.com reporting

Reader ’s Digest
2
Use Less Soap
4
Don’t Shop for a
money Save money by swapping your liquid hand Car in the Rain
soap dispenser for a foaming version. Its pump turns auto Hunting for a used
regular liquid soap into foam, so it takes about half as vehicle? Go on a clear day.
much soap to create a lather, according to one study. It’s not about slippery
You’ll also use about 16 percent less water. roads for the test drive;
it’s that rain can hide
scratches and other im-
3
perfections. Other things
to look out for, no matter
the weather: difficulty
Wear Different Shoes Every Day opening the doors, trunk,
health Who among us hasn’t fallen in love with a or hood or mismatched
pair of super-comfy shoes and proceeded to slip paint between the inside
them on day after day? While that may feel good, you of the trunk and the body
aren’t actually doing your feet any favors. Podiatrist of the car, which may be
Jacqueline Sutera says that wearing the same shoes the result of an accident.
5
day in and day out can cause foot fatigue because
you’re constantly using the same areas of the foot for
support and walking. Make sure you have a few pairs
of comfortable shoes and rotate through them.
Nourish Your Hair—
with Breakfast
beauty Everything you
eat at breakfast goes to
fuel the body’s essential
systems, but hair doesn’t
make the “essential”
short list. That means it
receives nutrients only
once the major organs
have been fed. Since eat-
ing breakfast fuels the
body’s life-giving func-
tions right away, filling up
joleen zubek
your tank first thing

means that follicles will
get the nourishment they
need later in the day.
34 march 2020
We Found a Fix
6
Sweeten Your 8
Yogurt Without Protect Your Fingers When
Sugar Hammering
food Flavored yogurts home Ouch! You just hammered your finger
often contain dozens of instead of the tiny nail you were trying to pound
grams of sugar, but plain into that piece of wood. To keep this from happen-
yogurt can be pretty blah. ing again, before you start hammering, stick the
Add flavor without many nail through a small piece of thin cardboard.
calories with a few drops Position the nail and, holding the cardboard by
of vanilla, mint, or al- the edges, hit it home. When you’re finished,
mond extract. You can use your bruise-free fingers to tear away the
also microwave your protective cardboard.
favorite fruit into a com-
pote and, once it’s cool,
swirl it into the yogurt.
7
Clean Your
Charging Port
technology When you
stuff your phone into your
pocket or purse, lint and
dust can get caught in the
charging port, causing
problems with charging.
(Similarly, dirt in the
headphone jack can
make it malfunction.)
If you are careful, you
can clear any debris with
9
a toothpick. To keep an
opening clean, insert a
dust plug (a package
joleen zubek
of them costs less than Clear Your Ears Before Flying

$10 on Amazon). travel Thirty minutes before takeoff, take a deconges-
tant. Your sinus and ear membranes will shrink, leaving
your nose and ears clear when you’re in the air. RD
rd.com 35
I
t is my favorite episode of The
Simpsons of all time. Homer is
The
holding forth at his dinner table
FOOD about the diverse deliciousness of
ON YOUR
bacon, ham, pork chops, and other
porcine products.
PLATE “Dad, those all come from the same

animal,” his daughter says helpfully.
“Yeah, right, Lisa,” Homer responds,
amused by her naivete. “A wonderful,
maaaagical animal!”
As is usually the case, Homer was
speaking a fundamental truth to
which he happened to be hilariously
oblivious: I am pretty magical. For
starters, my fellow pigs are as smart as
most any dog, capable of being taught
how to play video games. I also make
a great pet that can live for 20 years.
But if eating me is the route you
prefer, so be it. After all, I’m the sole
farm-raised animal whose main pur-
pose is to be food: I don’t graze pas-
tures, pull plows, lay eggs, produce
drinkable milk, or make wool. Nearly
every part of me is useful and succu-
lent, and my range of flavors and tex-
tures is unrivaled.
No wonder I am the most-consumed
meat in the world—even as two major
I Am Pork ... religions, Judaism and Islam, prohibit
jamie chung/trunk archive
eating pork. The rest of you grill my

Bringing Home chops, braise my shanks, cure my legs
into hams and prosciutto, devour me
the Bacon in pâtés, fry my skin into crispy pork
rinds, and so much more. I am the
cornerstone meat of barbecue, my
By Kate Lowenstein ribs and shoulders slowly smoked over
and Daniel Gritzer hardwood until tender and flavorful.

Reader ’s Digest
And then there’s bacon, the darling of

breakfast, burgers, BLTs, salads, and,
let’s be honest, pretty much anything
else you put on a plate. Hungry yet?
My fat is arguably what makes me
so extraordinary. It’s saturated just
enough to be solid yet silky at room
temperature, making me perfect for
chopping, mixing with seasonings
With 2% milk, at least half of adults
and other meats, and curing into de- had a lower desire to eat
lectable sausages, terrines, and ril- than before breakfast for 3 1/2 hours.
letts. In fact, it’s the foundation of the
whole centuries-old tradition of cur-
ing meat. Charcutiers can’t produce
quite the same sublime mouthfeel
with beef, chicken, or game that they
can with porky old me.
All this talk of fat might have you
confused if you remember “The Other
White Meat.” This was the ad slogan
developed in 1987 for the National
Pork Board as a way of keeping me
relevant during the anti-fat craze of
the time. It worked: My U.S. sales grew
20 percent by 1991 as consumers be-
gan to view me as a health-conscious
choice alongside white-meat chicken.
I’m nonetheless considered red meat
by nutritionists and the USDA —and
always have been.
Here’s the truth: Sometimes I’m
healthful; sometimes I’m not. The
Other White Meat campaign focused
on my loin and tenderloin, those
swaths of flesh along my spine that are
quite low in fat and good sources of
protein and minerals. But other parts
of me, not so much. You’ll find the
fattiest slabs of fat on my belly, back
Reader ’s Digest
10
LAYERS
PERFECT
OVEN-ROASTED
BACON
OF WHEAT
for the tender version:
On a rimmed baking sheet,
IN EVERY BITE set a wire rack or a large piece of
crumpled aluminum foil into accordion-
like peaks and valleys. Arrange bacon
slices close together with no overlaps.
Place sheet with bacon on the middle
rack of a cold oven, then set to 400°F and
allow to heat. Rotating the pan once mid-
way, cook 15 to 25 minutes, depending
on the thickness of the rashers and your
desired doneness. Transfer cooked bacon
to paper towels to drain, then serve.
for the shatteringly crisp-all-over
version: Line a rimmed baking sheet
with foil, only without the ridges, and
follow the same cooking directions.
(right on top of those lean loins), and
jowls. Falling in between, fat-wise, are
my shoulders and legs. Think of them
as my dark meat, with fat interspersed
with muscle as well as lots of connec-
tive tissue. That tissue—actually col-
lagen that forms when a muscle is
well exercised—may start off tough
when it’s raw or briefly cooked. But
roast a pork shoulder for eight hours,
and that muscly tissue will melt into
succulent gelatin to produce a fall-off-
the-bone pork juiciness that makes
you humans fall off your chairs.
One thing everyone knows about
joleen zubek
me is that I am an insatiable omnivore,

which means that those who raise me
have the power to vary how fatty I am
The Food on Your Plate
SILENCE
YOUR
and how I taste simply by feeding me
differently. Take the pata negra pigs
in Spain and Portugal that spend their
GROWL
lives grazing on acorns. Their famous
funky, translucent-pink jamón ibérico
(Iberian ham) is so rich in healthy
monounsaturated fats—up to 55 per-
cent, a higher ratio than in any other
meat—that farmers call their hogs
“four-legged olive trees.” Such a privi-
leged lifestyle and meals don’t come
cheap. These days, a 15-pound bone-
in ham from the elite Spanish brand
Cinco Jotas will stop your heart at
$1,200—or $80 a pound. Meanwhile,
a conventionally farmed American pig
fattened on run-of-the-mill grains and
meal made from meat and bone pro-
duces pork that’s higher in saturated
fat but costs a mere $4 per pound.
There are few easier weeknight
meals than a pork chop roasted in a
cast-iron pan. But boy, do you Ameri-
cans overcook me. Chops, lacking in
fat as they are, dry out when they get
too hot. For decades, the USDA made
it worse by recommending an inter-
nal temperature of 165°F for pork,
which delivers a very dry puck indeed.
In recent years, they dropped it to
145°F, which is medium-well and a
real improvement: juicy and just hav-
ing lost its pink. Sink your teeth in and
enjoy the magic. RD
Kate Lowenstein is a health editor

currently at Vice; Daniel Gritzer is
the culinary director of the cooking
site Serious Eats.
Reader ’s Digest
A Very Special Finish

YOUR My son, Mark, volunteered to help
TRUE
Cherie, a young runner, at a local Special
Olympics. Cherie was happy and enthusias-
STORIES
in 100 Words
tic. Mark encouraged her, kept her calm,
and let her know when it was time to line
up for her race. When the starting pistol
sounded, she took off like a lightning bolt,
Just Like Dad
Nearly 25 years ago,
leaving her fellow racers behind. As she
my father told me about neared the finish line, she stopped, turned
his experiences in the around, and motioned for the other run-
Vietnam War. One night,
he was stranded in un-
ners to hurry. She waited for them so they
familiar territory with a could all cross the finish line together.
flat tire. Luckily, a fellow —Debra Holley American Fork, Utah
soldier came along and
gave my father his spare.
Now I’m a paramedic.
I recently worked with
an older EMT I had never
met. At the end of our
12-hour shift, he said,
“You know, you look a
lot like your father.” He
recognized my last name.
I had been paired up with
the hero who’d saved my
father 50 years earlier.
—Albert Thweatt Waste Not, Want Not had asked for. Was that
nashville, tennessee I was getting lunch at the all right? I said it was fine
deli counter of our neigh- and that it wouldn’t go
borhood grocery store. In to waste. That’s when the
To read more true addition to my sandwich, grandmotherly customer
stories or submit one, I ordered a quarter pound next in line replied, “Well,
go to rd.com/stories. of macaroni salad. The it would sure go to mine!”
If we publish yours in clerk put the salad on the —Jim Perkins
the print magazine, it scale and apologized that east hampton,
could be worth $100. it was a little more than I connecticut
40 march 2020 | rd.com Illustration by Hallie Bateman

Reader ’s Digest
13 THINGS
The Dirt on
Organic
Farming
By Jen McCaffery
1
people assume that organic owns Bolthouse Farms; and organic
products come from small family produce grower Earthbound Farm is
farms, but many of the foods itself a giant, earning nearly half a
labeled organic in supermarkets billion dollars in 2018. Big or small,
are actually produced by large corpo- a farm must follow the same rules
rations. For example, Conagra owns to be certified organic: fertilizing soil
Alexia; a private-equity company with natural ingredients
42 march 2020 Illustration by Serge Bloch

4
such as compost and While it may producing synthetic
manure, planting with seem that there fertilizers. Ironically,
organic seeds, rotating are all-natural the era of mass-scale
crops to prevent soil farms everywhere these chemical fertilizer and
erosion and disease, days, less than 1 per- pesticide use is com-
and allowing animals cent of the 911 million monly referred to as the
to graze. acres of farmland Green Revolution be-
in the United States cause of the dramatic
2
Using pesticides are certified organic, increase in crop yields
isn’t completely according to the Pew worldwide. For in-
forbidden on an Research Center. The stance, the yield of rice
organic farm. “There most organic state: in India increased by
are about 25 chemicals Vermont, where 11 per- 164 percent from the
that have been ap- cent of farms have the 1950s to the 1990s.
proved for use,” says USDA designation.
7
Jessica Shade, PhD, We know it’s good
5
director of science pro- Nearly half of for our health,
grams at the Organic organic farmers but eating organic
Center in Washington, are women, even can put a strain on
DC. “But before organic though women make the budget. According
farmers can even use up only 29 percent of to the USDA, organic
those 25, they have all American farmers, produce carries a
to prove that they according to the USDA. premium of 10 to
have used every other Organic farmers are 30 percent. Fortunately,
method possible for also younger (average a study has shown that
controlling their pests age: 52) than farmers the risk of ingesting
and weeds.” overall (58), according pesticides is relatively
to Modern Farmer. low with certain foods,
3
Organic farmers primarily because
6
aren’t supposed There was no their thicker skins or
to use antibiotics, need for “certified outer coverings protect
but their cows do organic” before us. At the top of the
sometimes get sick. the mid-20th century— Environmental Working
“You do have to give because organic was the Group’s “Clean 15”
your cows medicine only way to farm. But list: avocados and
if they need it,” Shade in the 1940s, after World sweet corn, with less
says. Also allowed: War II, nitrate factories than 1 percent of the
aspirin. (Cows get that had been making samples showing any
swollen joints too.) bombs switched to pesticide residue.
rd.com 43
Reader ’s Digest 13 Things
8
The biggest and fart up to twice as Pigness of Pigs and has
organic retailer in much methane as con- appeared in documen-
the country isn’t ventionally reared cat- taries such as Food, Inc.
Whole Foods—it’s tle. Methane is 20 times The Virginia-based Sal-
Costco, which sold more powerful a green- atin also enjoys a bur-
about $4 billion in or- house gas than CO2. geoning friendship with
ganic products in 2017, Prince Charles. The fel-
11
compared with $3.6 bil- Don’t even low farmer and future
lion at Whole Foods. think of saying king has invited Salatin
your farm is to his residence in
9
The top-selling organic if it isn’t. The Dumfries, Scotland.
organic products, government will fine
13
in order: cow’s you as much as $17,952 Organic
milk, eggs, chicken, ap- for each time you farming isn’t
ples, lettuce, strawber- falsely sell or label a just about
ries, grapes, tomatoes, product as organic. feeding you. According
and corn, according to The USDA has a list of to Statista, pet owners
the Pew Research Cen- people fined for “fraud- will spend $6.8 billion
ter. (See No. 7 above for ulent certificates” on on organic food for
why organic corn might its website. their dogs and cats this
not be worth the cost.) year, more than double
12
Perhaps the than a decade ago.
10
Do you know most famous But beware, animal
which residents organic farmer lovers: Foods marked
of organic in the United States to- “natural” do not carry
farms aren’t all that en- day is Joel Salatin. He the same requirement
vironmentally friendly? is the author of books as those that are
The cows. They burp such as The Marvelous certified organic. RD
Great Moments in American Cheese History

President Thomas Jefferson first ate macaroni and cheese on a trip to France.
He loved the dish so much that he later served it at a state dinner in 1802.
smithsonian
For his last public party in the White House, President Andrew Jackson served
his guests a 1,400-pound wheel of cheese. It was gone within two hours.
the atlantic

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55 Reflections of a Pages and Leaflets of
Searching Skeptic North Oxfordshire
~scanning the depths of My Lineage Pre-1700–1959
spirituality and mental health~
Angela Fortnum
Rich Melcher
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page-turner!
Reader ’s Digest
“Parlate italiano?”
No response.
LAUGHTER
The best Medicine
The Swiss guy gives
up and drives off. The
first American turns to
the second and says,
“We should really learn
a foreign language.”
“Why?” asks the sec-
ond. “That guy knew
three, and it didn’t do
him any good!”
—englishforum.ch
What happens when

an artist has trouble
finding inspiration?
She draws a blank.
—Submitted by
Cheryl Herman
Baltimore, Maryland
So you’re telling me ...

... a shrimp fried
this rice?
— @Zuluonly
... a flea runs this
market?
© mark parisi /offthemark.com
— @Adam_Derpin
... this garage is on sale?
A Swiss man looking for sprechen?” he asks. —@slimshaneshark
directions pulls up at The two Americans
a bus stop in Zurich just stare at him. The police arrested
where two American “Parlez-vous fran- a man selling “secret
tourists are waiting. çais?” he tries. formula” tablets he
“Entschuldigung, The two Americans claimed gave eternal
können Sie Deutsch continue to stare. youth. It was actually
46 march 2020
I just read that 4,153,237 people got DEAD LINES
married last year. Not to cause any trouble,
but shouldn’t that be an even number? An obituary for someone
you don’t know can seem
—MadDany94 on reddit.com bland, but these lines
(from real obits!) might
the fifth time he’d been movies. A few minutes just make you miss a
caught for committing into the film, Fred person you never met:
the same medical noticed Sam searching
fraud. He had been for something under “His regrets were few
arrested in 1794, 1856, his seat. but include eating a
1928, and 1983. “What are you rotisserie hot dog from
—investorshub.advfn.com doing?” Fred asked. a convenience store in
the summer of 2002.”
“Well”—Sam
A nurse noticed a golfer sounded aggravated—
pacing up and down “I had a candy in my “Civilians will
the hallway outside an mouth, but it fell out.” recognize him
operating room where “Forget it. It’ll be best as Spider-Man
another golfer—who dirty by now.” and thank him for
had a golf ball lodged “I’ve got to find it— protecting our city.”
in his throat—was be- my teeth are in it.”
ing treated. —Submitted by “His wife refuses to honor
“Is he your relative?” Fern Hansen his request to have him
the nurse asked. Onawa, Iowa standing in the corner of
“No,” said the golfer. the room with a glass of
“It’s my ball.” My dad suggested that Jack Daniel’s in his hand
—swingbyswing.com I register for an organ- so that he would appear
donor card. He’s a man more natural to visitors.”
My husband cooks for after my own heart.
me like I’m a god—by —Masai Graham, “When the doctors
placing burnt offerings comedian confronted his daughters
before me every night. with the news that ‘Your
the noun project
—Bokbreath father is a very sick man,’

on reddit.com Got a funny joke? in unison they replied,
It could be worth $$$. ‘You have no idea.’”
Two old guys, Fred For details, go to
—loveliveson.com and
and Sam, went to the rd.com/submit. the new york times
rd.com 47
The first and only overactive bladder (OAB) treatment in its class.
IS YOUR
BLADDER
ALWAYS
TAKING YOU
ON A TRIP
OF ITS OWN?
Urgency
Freq uenc y
Leak age
USE OF MYRBETRIQ (meer-BEH-trick)

In clinical trials, those taking Myrbetriq Myrbetriq® (mirabegron) is a prescription
made fewer trips to the bathroom and medicine for adults used to treat overactive
had fewer leaks than those not taking bladder (OAB) with symptoms of urgency,
Myrbetriq. Your results may vary. frequency and leakage.
IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION
Myrbetriq is not for everyone. Do not take
TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR Myrbetriq if you have an allergy to mirabegron
OAB SYMPTOMS BY TALKING or any ingredients in Myrbetriq. Myrbetriq may
cause your blood pressure to increase or make
TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT your blood pressure worse if you have a history
MYRBETRIQ TODAY. of high blood pressure. It is recommended
that your doctor check your blood pressure
while you are taking Myrbetriq. Myrbetriq
may increase your chances of not being
able to empty your bladder. Tell your doctor
right away if you have trouble emptying your
bladder or you have a weak urine stream.
Myrbetriq® is a registered trademark of Astellas Pharma Inc.
All other trademarks or registered trademarks are the property of their respective owners.
©2018 Astellas Pharma US, Inc. All rights reserved. 057-2985-PM
IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION (continued)
Myrbetriq may cause allergic reactions that increased blood pressure, common cold
may be serious. If you experience swelling of symptoms (nasopharyngitis), dry mouth, flu
the face, lips, throat or tongue, with or without symptoms, urinary tract infection, back pain,
difficulty breathing, stop taking Myrbetriq and dizziness, joint pain, headache, constipation,
tell your doctor right away. sinus irritation, and inflammation of the bladder
(cystitis).
Tell your doctor about all the medicines you take
including medications for overactive bladder or For further information, please talk to your
other medicines such as thioridazine (Mellaril™ healthcare professional and see Brief
and Mellaril-S™), flecainide (Tambocor®), Summary of Prescribing Information for
propafenone (Rythmol®), digoxin (Lanoxin®) or Myrbetriq® (mirabegron) on the following
solifenacin succinate (VESIcare®). Myrbetriq pages.
may affect the way other medicines work, and
You are encouraged to report negative side
other medicines may affect how Myrbetriq
effects of prescription drugs to the FDA.
works.
Visit www.fda.gov/medwatch
Before taking Myrbetriq, tell your doctor if or call 1-800-FDA-1088.
you have liver or kidney problems. The most
common side effects of Myrbetriq include
Like us on Facebook
and visit Myrbetriq.com
Myrbetriq® (mirabegron) extended-release tablets 25 mg, 50 mg
Brief Summary based on FDA-approved patient labeling
Read the Patient Information that comes with Myrbetriq® (mirabegron) before you start taking
place of talking with your doctor about your medical condition or treatment.
What is Myrbetriq (meer-BEH-trick)?
Myrbetriq is a prescription medication for adults used to treat the following symptoms due to a
condition called overactive bladder:
• Urge urinary incontinence: a strong need to urinate with leaking or wetting accidents
• Urgency: a strong need to urinate right away
• Frequency: urinating often
It is not known if Myrbetriq is safe and effective in children.
Who should not use Myrbetriq?
Do not take Myrbetriq if you have an allergy to mirabegron or any of the ingredients in Myrbetriq.
See the end of this summary for a complete list of ingredients in Myrbetriq.
What should I tell my doctor before taking Myrbetriq?
Before you take Myrbetriq, tell your doctor about all of your medical conditions, including if you:
• have liver problems or kidney problems
• have very high uncontrolled blood pressure
• have trouble emptying your bladder or you have a weak urine stream
• are pregnant or plan to become pregnant. It is not known if Myrbetriq will harm your unborn
baby. Talk to your doctor if you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant.
• are breastfeeding or plan to breastfeed. It is not known if Myrbetriq passes into your breast milk.
Talk to your doctor about the best way to feed your baby if you take Myrbetriq.
Tell your doctor about all the medicines you take, including prescription and over-the-counter
medicines, vitamins, and herbal supplements. Myrbetriq may affect the way other medicines work,
and other medicines may affect how Myrbetriq works.
Tell your doctor if you take:
• thioridazine (Mellaril™ or Mellaril-S™)
®
• )
• propafenone (Rythmol®)
• digoxin (Lanoxin®)
• solifenacin succinate (VESIcare®)
How should I take Myrbetriq?
• Take Myrbetriq exactly as your doctor tells you to take it.
• You should take 1 Myrbetriq tablet 1 time a day.
• You should take Myrbetriq with water and swallow the tablet whole.
• Do not chew, break, or crush the tablet.
• You can take Myrbetriq with or without food.
• If you miss a dose of Myrbetriq, begin taking Myrbetriq again the next day. Do not take 2 doses
of Myrbetriq the same day.
• If you take too much Myrbetriq, call your doctor or go to the nearest hospital emergency room
right away.
What are the possible side effects of Myrbetriq?
Myrbetriq may cause serious side effects including:
• increased blood pressure. Myrbetriq may cause your blood pressure to increase or make your
blood pressure worse if you have a history of high blood pressure. It is recommended that your
doctor check your blood pressure while you are taking Myrbetriq.
• inability to empty your bladder (urinary retention). Myrbetriq may increase your chances of not
being able to empty your bladder if you have bladder outlet obstruction or if you are taking
other medicines to treat overactive bladder. Tell your doctor right away if you are unable to
empty your bladder.
• angioedema. Myrbetriq may cause an allergic reaction with swelling of the lips, face, tongue,
q and tell your doctor right away.
The most common side effects of Myrbetriq include:
• increased blood pressure • dizziness
• common cold symptoms • joint pain
(nasopharyngitis)
• dry mouth • headache
• constipation
• urinary tract infection • sinus (sinus irritation)
• back pain
(cystitis)
Tell your doctor if you have any side effect that bothers you or that does not go away or if you have
swelling of the face, lips, tongue, or throat, hives, skin rash or itching while taking Myrbetriq.
These are not all the possible side effects of Myrbetriq.
Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects. You may report side effects to the FDA
at 1-800-FDA-1088.
How should I store Myrbetriq?
• Store Myrbetriq between 59°F to 86°F (15°C to 30°C). Keep the bottle closed.
• Safely throw away medicine that is out of date or no longer needed.
Keep Myrbetriq and all medicines out of the reach of children.
General information about the safe and effective use of Myrbetriq
Medicines are sometimes prescribed for purposes other than those listed in the Patient Information
ot prescribed. Do not give Myrbetriq
to other people, even if they have the same symptoms you have. It may harm them.
You can ask your doctor or pharmacist for information about Myrbetriq that is written for
health professionals.
For more information, visit www.Myrbetriq.com or call (800) 727-7003.
What are the ingredients in Myrbetriq?
Active ingredient: mirabegron
Inactive ingredients: polyethylene oxide, polyethylene glycol, hydroxypropyl cellulose, butylated
hydroxytoluene, magnesium stearate, hypromellose, yellow ferric oxide and red ferric oxide
(25 mg Myrbetriq tablet only).
What is overactive bladder?
Overactive bladder occurs when you cannot control your bladder contractions. When these muscle
contractions happen too often or cannot be controlled, you can get symptoms of overactive bladder,
which are urinary frequency, urinary urgency, and urinary incontinence (leakage).
Marketed and Distributed by:
Astellas Pharma US, Inc.
Northbrook, Illinois 60062
Myrbetriq® is a registered trademark of Astellas Pharma Inc. All other trademarks or registered
trademarks are the property of their respective owners.
©2012 - 2018 Astellas Pharma US, Inc.
Revised: April 2018
206813-MRVS-BRFS
057-2652-PM
Reader ’s Digest
New Type of
Dementia
A report published
in the journal Brain
found that up to a third
of Alzheimer’s-like
dementia cases may
actually be caused by
a newly identified
disease called LATE,
which stands for
News From the limbic-predominant
WORLD OF age-related TDP-43

encephalopathy. LATE
MEDICINE generally progresses
more gradually than
Alzheimer’s and is
marked by the accumu-
lation of the TDP-43
SIT TIGHT ON brain protein, while Al-
STANDING DESKS zheimer’s is associated
with the beta-amyloid
Desks that can be adjusted for either sitting and tau brain proteins.
or standing are sometimes touted as a way But many people ap-
pear to suffer from both
to fight obesity, but according to a review diseases, triggering a
of 53 studies, no significant results support more rapid decline
this claim. This makes sense, given that than either condition
simply standing doesn’t burn many calories. alone. This finding may
help explain why trials
However, some study participants found of drugs designed to
that standing helped them feel less fatigued, curb beta-amyloid and
reduced lower-back pain, and improved tau have failed to help
blood pressure mildly. Desk height, monitor patients—and point the
way to more effective
height, amount of time standing, and use of treatments in the
an antifatigue mat (to cushion the feet) all future.
affected the benefits people experienced.
52 march 2020 Photograph by Nick Ferrari

Hands-Only
Version of CPR
Saves Lives
Traditional cardio-
tion (CPR) includes

both chest compres-
sions and mouth-to-
which some people are

reluctant to perform
HELP EYES tion, and shelf life. But
when researchers sur-
because they’re afraid The fluid in your eyes veyed more than 42,000
of contracting an infec- helps protect your cor- medications, nearly all
tious disease. But when nea. However, if too contained at least one
a patient is in cardiac much builds up, it can substance (such as lac-
arrest, according to a cause glaucoma, an in- tose, food dye, or pea-
review of national crease of ocular pres- nut oil) known to
Swedish data between sure that may damage trigger allergic reac-
2000 and 2017, you can the optic nerve and tions or digestive issues
leave out the mouth-to- cause blindness. Glau- in some people. If you
mouth breathing and coma drainage devices, take several medica-
still save a life. Com- which remove excess tions and have stomach
pared with no CPR, fluid, are an increas- or allergy symptoms,
receiving the standard ingly common treat- the small amounts in
or hands-only version ment, but over time, each might be collec-
at least doubled a microorganisms within tively causing prob-
patient’s chances of your body collect on lems. It isn’t always
survival, and the likeli- the devices and render easy to learn what’s in a
hood that someone them inoperable. Now formulation, but phar-
would receive CPR from researchers have de- macists can help iden-
a bystander rose by signed a self-cleaning tify possible allergens.
arztsamui/shutterstock
nearly 70 percent with drainage device with Over-the-counter prod-

Sweden’s promotion of tiny components that ucts have a list of in-
the compression-only vibrate when a doctor active ingredients on
version. passes a magnet over the packaging or on an
them, shaking loose the attached label.
microorganisms.
rd.com 53
Reader ’s Digest News from the World of Medicine
TAKE BLOOD PRESSURE Beating Antibiotic-

Resistant Bacteria
MEDICATION AT NIGHT A combination of anti-
I
f you’re one of the millions of Americans who biotics and probiotics
take a blood pressure medication as part of their was recently shown to
morning routine, you may want to rethink that. destroy two strains of
A new study has shown that taking your medication drug-resistant bacteria
at night instead might save your life. that infect wounds,
The study was simple yet thorough: 19,084 Cau- thus providing a poten-
casian adults who had been prescribed one or more tial answer to a threat
of five common blood pressure medications were that kills at least 23,000
randomly assigned to take them either immedi- people a year in the
ately upon awakening or right before turning off the United States.
lights to go to bed. After more than six years, those
who took their medicine at night had slashed their Blue Light Ages
risk of dying from heart or blood vessel problems by Fruit Flies
66 percent more than the morning pill poppers did.
Plus, their risk of stroke plummeted by 49 percent A recent experiment on
more; of heart attack, by 44 percent more; and of fruit flies showed that
heart failure, by 42 percent more. blue light damaged
It’s not entirely clear why taking the medications their brain cells in a way
at night affects the results so dramatically, though that accelerated aging
the researchers had previously reported that “aver- and shortened their life
age systolic blood pressure when a person is asleep spans by about 10 per-
is the most significant and independent indication cent. While there are
of cardiovascular disease risk, regardless of blood no studies showing a
pressure measurements taken while awake or when comparable effect on
visiting a doctor.” humans, we do know
While more research is needed to confirm that the blue light from
whether the effects hold phones and computers
piotr_pabijan/shutterstock
true with other ethnic can impair your vision

groups, there’s little and interfere with your
downside—and sleep. Besides limiting
a potentially your exposure, you
huge upside— can try glasses that filter
to taking out blue light and set
medications your devices to block
at bedtime. blue emissions. RD

COVER STORY
Find the Doctor You
TRUST
Rushed appointments.
Profits over patients.
Faulty diagnoses. There are
plenty of reasons to worry
about medical providers
today. A veteran RD
health journalist shares
hard-won lessons from
her reporting—and
from her family’s
own health crisis.
By Michelle Crouch
Photographs by
Hannah Whitaker
56 march 2020
Reader’s Digest
I
n 2011, my husband, Pete, began having strange
episodes of light-headedness. They lasted less than
a minute and often happened when he exercised.
He went to see his longtime primary care physician,
who suspected he was dehydrated.
rd.com 57
Reader ’s Digest Cover Story
She prescribed Gatorade. But the cause of death in the United States—
episodes got more frequent and se- in fact, most of us will receive an in-
vere. One night at dinner with the correct or late diagnosis at least once
stylist: rebecca simpson steele, set stylist: mae lander, hair: takuya yamaguchi, makeup: allison brooke, nails: marcela mejias
kids, Pete completely zoned out. in our lives, often with serious con-
He didn’t understand what we were sequences, according to a National
saying, and he wasn’t able to get any Academy of Medicine analysis. News
words out. headlines about outrageous bills, con-
We immediately called his doctor, flicts of interest, and depersonalized
but we couldn’t get her on the phone. care plant more seeds of doubt.
Her nurse referred us to a neurologist, Doctors are keenly aware of the
but he had a six-week wait for an ap- problems, but many of the under-
pointment. After some begging, we lying circumstances are beyond their
got in sooner, and he sent Pete for an control. Electronic record keeping,
MRI. The scan showed that Pete had a boon to efficiency in many ways,
a brain tumor the size of a golf ball. takes an average of nearly six hours
of a primary care physician’s day—
more time than is spent with patients.
“PHYSICIANS ARE Most face-to-face visits are now about
LITERALLY RUNNING 15 minutes—and down to only 8 min-
utes in some parts of the country, says
FROM ROOM Andrew Morris-Singer, MD, president
TO ROOM.” of Primary Care Progress, a nonprofit
working to improve primary care.
“Physicians are literally running from
room to room,” he says. “We have phy-
Thankfully, after a long and harrow- sicians tell us that they are constantly
ing journey, Pete has fully recovered, constipated because they can’t even
but my experience navigating that stop to go to the bathroom.”
medical crisis now helps inform and What’s more, insurance companies
inspire my work as a health-care jour- have cut doctors’ payments, forcing
nalist. If I had to distill everything I’ve them to see more patients or invest
learned over the years as a patient, in lucrative sidelines (such as selling
spouse, parent, and medical reporter supplements, medical devices, or im-
into one lesson, it’s this: Trust but aging services) to keep their practices
verify. in the black.
While I believe most doctors have These changes have “driven a huge
our best interests at heart, our sys- wedge” into the patient-physician
tem is deeply flawed. Medical errors relationship, Dr. Morris-Singer says.
are estimated to be the third-leading This is not a minor concern.
58 march 2020
TRUST TIP
The average
doctor
spends up
to six hours
a day on elec-
tronic record
keeping.
But you can
ask to see his
or her notes.
Research shows that without trust a knows you and your health history
patient might not feel comfortable is less likely to overprescribe or send
sharing information his or her physi- you for unnecessary tests. Finally, I
cian needs to provide quality medi- believe a doctor is more likely to make
cal advice. Patients who trust their an extra effort for you if you have a re-
health-care providers are more likely lationship. It’s just human nature.
to follow their treatment plans, have Building that relationship takes
fewer symptoms, practice healthier time and care, and sometimes that’s
behaviors, and be more satisfied with still not enough. Pete had been see-
their care. In addition, a doctor who ing his primary care doctor for almost
rd.com 59
Reader ’s Digest
a decade when he called about his When the exam is underway, ask
light-headedness, yet he still had to your doctor whether you can see the
wait three weeks for an appointment. notes he or she is typing (“Do you
Once he got in, she listened carefully mind if I take a look?”), suggests Lolita
as he described his symptoms, but Alkureishi, MD, of the University of
she was out the door 15 minutes later. Chicago, who has studied the impact
Would more time have yielded a more computers have had on the doctor-
accurate diagnosis or an earlier MRI? patient relationship. I tried this at my
It’s hard to know. most recent physical, and my doctor
Maybe we can do more as patients. didn’t seem to mind. I even pointed
Dr. Morris-Singer says it helps to out that the system still listed a pre-
show your doctors that you recog- scription I was no longer taking.
nize the pressure they face. When Steven Feldman, MD, PhD, a der-
your physician comes into the room, matologist at Wake Forest School of
say something like, “How are you do- Medicine, has his own strategy for
ing? I know it can’t be easy being in building relationships with his pa-
health care these days.” Asking about tients. He discovered that they are
family, travel plans, or other personal more likely to take their prescriptions
details helps you connect on a hu- if he gives them a business card with
man level. his cell phone number and asks them
TRUST TIP
One doctor found
that giving out his
cell phone number
helps establish
trust. Online
patient portals can
also get you an
answer quickly.

Cover Story
This year’s RD/IPSOS survey of most trusted brands produced 20 winners—

and one compelling insight: Of the 3,500 people who participated in the
survey, half said that trust was a top driver for their over-the-counter
purchases. These surprising product facts offer a sense of why that’s true.
allergy relief body lotion cough remedy

Claritin Aveeno Robutussin
The company offers a Known originally for The honey in the Honey
free service called Blue oat-based skin care, Cough + Chest Conges-
Sky Living that sends Aveeno has published tion medicine comes
members personalized clinical evidence sup- exclusively from Ameri-
allergy forecasts. porting the benefits of can honey companies
oats and other natural that abide by U.S. laws
antiaging skin care ingredients for 70 years. around honey sourcing
Olay and beekeeping.
Olay tests its products cold & flu remedies
on “lab skins”—artificial NyQuil eye care
material designed to The nighttime cold and Visine
mimic the properties of flu relief comes in for- Screen time overload
natural skin. It’s part mulas that include one is a reality for most
of the company’s push for severe symptoms, Americans, so Visine
to end animal testing another specifically for now makes drops to
in the skin-care and cough suppression, and relieve tired eyes (as
beauty industries. one that’s alcohol-free. opposed to those that
are just dry, itchy, or ag-
blood glucose contact lens solution gravated by allergies).
monitor Bausch & Lomb
OneTouch Every year since 1933,
The OneTouch Reveal the company has
mobile app (also avail- honored outstanding
optimarc/shutterstock
able for your computer) high school science

can share your blood students. Winners are
sugar information di- automatically consid-
rectly with your health- ered for a $30,000
care professional. scholarship to the
University of Rochester.
foot care lip care recover from surgical

Dr. Scholl’s ChapStick procedures.
The company now offers In addition to lip balm,
custom 3-D-printed the company now makes natural sweetener
inserts made from foot 100 percent natural Splenda
scans users can take “lip butter,” which is When a researcher
with their cell phones. paraben-free and has no was asked to “test”
artificial colors or flavors. the compound that
headache/ became Splenda, he
pain relievers multivitamins misheard the request
Tylenol Centrum as “taste” it. That’s
Inspired by customer Because they are made when he discovered
feedback, the rede- with all-natural plant- its sweetness.
signed packaging fea- based colors, Centrum
tures bottle caps that are MultiGummies may sleep aid
easier to open while gen- darken over time but are ZzzQuil
erating less plastic waste. still safe to take. ZzzQuil is also approved
to treat motion sickness
heartburn/antacid national pharmacy/ and certain symptoms
Tums drugstores of Parkinson’s disease.
Some women get heart- CVS Pharmacy
burn for the first time Through its addiction- soap/body wash
during pregnancy. prevention program, Dove
Tums is the number one Pharmacists Teach, CVS The company joined
ob-gyn-recommended has provided 300,000 the Girl Scouts on their
brand of antacid. teens with free informa- Self-Esteem Project to
tion about drug abuse. promote positive body
herbal supplement image in young people.
Nature Made nutritional drink/
optimarc/shutterstock
For two decades, the meal replacement sun protection

company has been sup- Ensure Coppertone
porting and participat- Doctors recommend The development of
ing in clinical trials and specialized Ensure SPF levels in skin-care
sharing data with other immunonutrition products began in the
researchers and health- shakes to help your 1970s at Coppertone’s
care professionals. body prepare for and Solar Research Center.
TRUST TIP
There are web-
sites that will
show you how
much money
(if any) your
doctor has re-
ceived from
pharmaceuti-
cal companies.
to call him in three days to tell him tumor, the neurologist explained to
how the medicine is working. us, because it is usually benign. But
“They can’t believe I give them my Pete’s was large, and it was wrapped
cell phone number. It establishes both around his carotid artery, pressing on
trust and accountability,” he says. his optic nerve and extending into the
Unfortunately, Pete’s difficulty get- speech center of his brain.
ting in to see both his primary care The neurologist sent us straight
doctor and the neurologist dented our to a neurosurgeon, supposedly the
confidence that he would get the care best in the city. He spent an hour pa-
he needed. And then things got scarier. tiently answering our questions, but
The MRI showed that Pete had a his prognosis was terrifying: The tu-
meningioma, the “good” kind of brain mor needed to be removed, and the

Reader ’s Digest
operation would likely leave Pete blind remove a brain tumor a few years ear-
in one eye and possibly without the lier. She encouraged us to get a sec-
ability to speak. With Pete’s episodes ond opinion from the neurosurgeon at
of light-headedness occurring more Duke University Medical Center who
frequently, the surgeon scheduled the had operated on her son. “He can do
surgery for the following week. things other surgeons can’t,” she said.
zhukov/shutterstock
What happened next can be de- As a health reporter, I knew objec-
scribed only as a stroke of luck. Pete tively that a second opinion could be
and I reached out to the rabbi at our valuable. A 2017 Mayo Clinic study
temple for comfort, and she con- found that one in five people who sought
nected us with another congregant a second opinion went home with a
whose son had undergone surgery to completely new diagnosis. Another
TOP PATIENT FRUSTRATIONS

FOR THE PAST SIX YEARS, our annual Trusted Brands Survey has compiled a list
of the most reliable medical products and services, as determined in a national
poll. This year, we also looked at where medical care isn’t meeting expectations,
according to the 3,500 people queried. Our sister website, The Healthy, is using
the data to power a yearlong study of the challenges and promises of major
health conditions: heart disease, diabetes, depression, cancer, arthritis, and
more. To read these stories, go to thehealthy.com/2020solutions.
67% 52% 45% 39%

of those with a said they found value in had to visit
chronic condi- have had to connecting many doctors
tion said getting take their with others before being
an accurate health care experiencing diagnosed
diagnosis can be into their similar health and treated
frustrating. For own hands issues. properly.
people with di- rather than Among people
gestive ailments relying just on suffering with
such as ulcers or their doctor’s issues such
irritable bowel treatment plan. as anxiety or
syndrome, it was depression, it
73 percent. was 51 percent.

Cover Story
66 percent got new information or a surgeon told us he used a different

revised diagnosis. A second opinion technique. It was lower risk, and it
can also reveal different treatment would spare Pete’s eyesight.
options. If your doctor is irritated by your
Yet surveys show that more than decision to seek a second opinion, as
half of Americans don’t bother, even Pete’s local neurosurgeon seemed to
when faced with a major medical de- be, it’s a red flag that perhaps he or
cision. As Pete and I debated what to she is not the right fit. Smart doctors
do, I understood why. Duke is a three- won’t feel threatened or offended,
hour drive away, which seemed like says Robert Arnold, MD, chair of the
a hassle. We liked the local surgeon. University of Pittsburgh’s Institute
Most important, Pete couldn’t wait to for Doctor-Patient Communication.
get this thing out of his brain. “They know that once you get that
But the woman from our temple second opinion and come back, it’s
insisted and even called Duke to get way better, because you will both be
an appointment for us. That appoint- on the same page about the best way
ment changed everything. The Duke to move forward,” he says.
TRUST TIP
Smart doctors won’t feel threatened if
you ask about getting a second opinion.
If yours gets irritated, it’s a red flag.
and perhaps give
TRUST TIP them insights into
Bringing flow- your case they
ers or cookies might not other-
to your medical wise receive.
team can help You should do
you connect on your homework
a human level. about your doc-
So does simply tors too. While
asking how they may believe
they are doing. they are unbiased,
physicians are not
immune to money
or gifts (including
meals or speaking
fees) they receive
from pharmaceu-
tical or medical-
device companies.
A ProPublica
analysis found
that doctors who
t a k e s u c h p ay -
ments are two to
three times more
likely to prescribe
brand-name drugs
To prepare for Pete’s appointment compared with those who don’t. You
at Duke, I started reading up on can look up how much money your
meningiomas. I tried to stick to fact- doctor has received (and from whom)
based websites published by academic on ProPublica’s Dollars for Docs site
medical centers, such as Johns Hop- (projects.propublica.org/docdollars)
kins, Harvard, and the Mayo Clinic. and the federal government’s Open
I also looked for condition-specific Payments site (openpaymentsdata
websites, especially those staffed with .cms.gov).
medical professionals. It may sound If your doctor is listed, that doesn’t
obvious, but being well prepared for mean he or she has done anything
appointments can help maximize what wrong. But you may want to ask
little time you have with your doctors whether the medications you are
66 march 2020
Cover Story Reader ’s Digest
taking are made by those companies daughter. It said “Please take care of
and whether there are any cheaper my daddy.”
generic alternatives. When they finally took Pete into the
Similarly, if your doctor offers a operating room, I shed tears for the
“cutting-edge treatment” not covered first time. We had done our homework,
by insurance, look it up before you pay followed every instruction, and chosen
up. I learned this lesson the hard way, the best doctor. Now Pete’s life was in
when my podiatrist recommended a the surgeon’s hands. Eight hours later,
series of laser treatments for the arthri- he was wheeled to the recovery room.
tis in my big-toe joint. Five treatments The operation was a success.
and $750 later, my toe actually felt A few days later, a biopsy revealed
worse. “The treatments don’t work for that the tumor was a rare aggres-
everyone,” explained the doctor some- sive type of meningioma that exhib-
what apologetically before she rushed its cancerlike behavior. The surgeon
off to see her next patient. sent us to a Duke oncologist who
I later googled the type of laser ther- recommended radiation to prevent a
apy she’d used, and while some small
studies showed good results, others
were inconclusive. More ominously, BEWARE OF
perhaps, the device manufacturer’s “CUTTING-EDGE
website touted its profit-producing TREATMENTS” NOT
potential: “Start Creating a Cash-
Based Division in Your Practice with COVERED
Laser Therapy.” BY INSURANCE.
When Pete was at the Duke hospi-
tal for his brain surgery, we wanted to
connect with his medical team even
though we would be there for just a reoccurrence. She told us there were
short time—as with any relationship, I different types of radiation therapy
believed that personalizing our interac- but little consensus on which was best
tions would help ensure the best care. and to take our time making a deci-
I placed a family photo in the re- sion while Pete healed.
covery room, not just to comfort Pete As I researched our options, a phy-
but also to remind the hospital staff sician friend sent me an article from a
that he was a husband and a father to health portal that medical profession-
three young children. I delivered bags als rely on called uptodate.com. The
of homemade chocolate-chip cookies information is dense, but it includes
to Pete’s nurses. And we gave the sur- the latest evidence-based treatment
geon a note from our eight-year-old guidelines for almost every condition,
rd.com 67
and it helped me understand the dif- that situation helped build the founda-
ferent types of radiation. Patients can tion for a physician-patient relation-
access the site by paying a fee ($20 for ship that Pete values to this day. He
a one-week subscription), and I often treks to Duke to see her several times
subscribe when a friend needs deeper a year to make sure the tumor hasn’t
information than what he or she can returned. He often e-mails her with
find on free sites. general questions about his health—
After studying all the options, we even though he has a new primary care
talked with the oncologist and decided physician—and she always takes the
to do the radiation closer to home time to reply. They developed some-
rather than under her care at Duke. thing simple yet precious in their time
But her honesty and understanding in together: a sense of trust. RD
TO GET THE BEST CARE, “TRUST BUT VERIFY”

TRUST-BUILDING MOVES
• See the same doctor, not just any doctor in a large practice, for your regular
checkups as well as when you are sick, if possible. You may want to look into
“direct pay” physicians, who charge a membership fee for care.
• Ask about office policies. How much time do they set aside for the first
appointment? (One hour is ideal; 30 minutes is more realistic.) How long is
the typical wait for an appointment? How do they handle patient questions?
• Share your concerns. If you have any doubts about your diagnosis or
treatment plan, don’t be shy about telling your doctor so he or she can try
to address them.
VALID WAYS TO VERIFY

• Do your own research. In addition representatives from pharma-
to consulting well-known, reputa- ceutical companies to pitch their
ble sites such as mayoclinic.org, products to the staff? Does the
hopkinsmedicine.org, and physician have a financial interest
uptodate.com, reach out to your in an imaging center, a surgery
artur marfin/shutterstock
own network of friends and family. center, or special medical equip-

• Check credentials. You can find in- ment? If you’re uncomfortable ask-
formation on malpractice or disci- ing your doctor or you just don’t
plinary actions against physicians want to spend your precious face-
at docinfo.org. Verify board certifi- to-face time on these questions,
cations at certificationmatters.org. ask the office manager. Honest
• Ask about possible financial communication involves the
conflicts. Does the office allow entire practice.
68 march 2020
Reader ’s Digest
LAUGH LINES
Never get into a lane-merging The worst thing
game of chicken with a about parallel parking
person who has a garbage is witnesses.
bag for a car-door window. —@armyVet1972
—@MelvinOfYork
Somebody
Now that I’ve actually
removed my complimented
windshield wipers
I shouldn’t be The my driving today.
They left a little
getting any more
parking tickets. Highway to note on the wind-
shield that said
—Mariah Scary
on twitter Howls “parking fine.”
—@aadil
How is it that a
parking spot gets
The irony of
paid more per
being hit by a
hour than I do?
Dodge.
—@markedly
—@rikpayne
jenny sturm/shutterstock
rd.com 69
DRAMA IN REAL LIFE
Miracle in Midair
Almost 80 years after it unfolded in the sky over San
Diego, a nearly impossible rescue mission remains one
of the most daring feats in aeronautical history
Virginia Kelly

Reader ’s Digest Drama in Real Life
parachuted overboard as part of the

exercise.
Nine of the men had already
jumped when Osipoff, standing a few
paket/shutterstock (paper clip). reddavebatcave/shutterstock (classified document). archive.org (government document)

inches from the plane’s door, started
previous spread: courtesy rick lawrence (portrait). ap/shutterstock (plane). maytal amir/shutterstock (graph paper).
t began like any other May to toss out the last cargo container.
morning in California. The sky was Somehow the automatic-release cord
blue, the sun hot. A slight breeze rif- of his backpack parachute became
fled the glistening waters of San Diego looped over the cylinder, and his chute
Bay. At the naval airbase on North was suddenly ripped open. He tried
Island, all was calm. to grab hold of the quickly billowing
At 9:45 a.m., Walter Osipoff, a silk, but the next thing he knew he had
sandy-haired 23-year-old Marine been jerked from the plane—sucked
second lieutenant from Akron, Ohio, out with such force that the impact of
boarded a DC-2 transport for a rou- his body ripped a 2.5-foot gash in the
tine parachute jump. Lt. Bill Lowrey, DC-2’s aluminum fuselage.
a 34-year-old Navy test pilot from New
Orleans, was already putting his ob-
servation plane through its paces. And THE AUTOMATIC-
John McCants, a husky 41-year-old
aviation chief machinist’s mate from
RELEASE CORD ON HIS
Jordan, Montana, was checking out CHUTE WAS LOOPED
the aircraft that he was scheduled to OVER THE CYLINDER.
fly later. Before the sun was high in the
noonday sky, these three men would
be linked forever in one of history’s Instead of flowing free, Osipoff ’s
most spectacular midair rescues. open parachute now wrapped itself
Osipoff was a seasoned parachut- around the plane’s tail wheel. The
ist, a former collegiate wrestling and chute’s chest strap and one leg strap
gymnastics star. He had joined the had broken; only the second leg
National Guard and then the Marines strap was still holding—and it had
in 1938. He had already made more slipped down to Osipoff’s ankle. One
than 20 jumps by May 15, 1941. by one, 24 of the 28 lines between
That morning, his DC-2 took off his precariously attached harness
and headed for Kearney Mesa, where and the parachute snapped. He was
Osipoff would supervise practice now hanging some 12 feet below and
jumps by 12 of his men. Three sepa- 15 feet behind the tail of the plane.
rate canvas cylinders, containing am- Four parachute shroud lines twisted
munition and rifles, were also to be around his left leg were all that kept
72 march 2020
Lt. Col. John J. Capolino, a Philadelphia artist, painted this scene of Osipoff’s rescue in
the 1940s. It belongs to the National Museum of the Marine Corps in Quantico, Virginia.
him from being pitched to the earth. was starting to run low on fuel, but an
courtesy national archives (photo no. 127 -n- 522950 )
Dangling there upside down, Osi- emergency landing with Osipoff drag-
poff had enough presence of mind to ging behind would certainly smash
not try to release his emergency para- him to death. And pilot Harold John-
chute. With the plane pulling him one son had no radio contact with the
way and the emergency chute pulling ground.
him another, he realized that he would To attract attention below, John-
be torn in half. Conscious all the while, son eased the transport down to
he knew that he was hanging by one 300 feet and started circling North
leg, spinning and bouncing—and he Island. A few people at the base no-
was aware that his ribs hurt. He did ticed the plane coming by every few
not know then that two ribs and three minutes, but they assumed that it was
vertebrae had been fractured. towing some sort of target.
Inside the plane, the DC-2 crew Meanwhile, Bill Lowrey had landed
struggled to pull Osipoff to safety, but his plane and was walking toward his
they could not reach him. The aircraft office when he glanced upward. He
rd.com 73
Reader ’s Digest
and John McCants, who was work- and pounding hearts, the watchers
ing nearby, saw at the same time the agonized through every move in the
figure dangling from the plane. As impossible mission.
the DC-2 circled once again, Lowrey Within minutes, L owrey and
yelled to McCants, “There’s a man McCants were under the transport,
hanging on that line. Do you suppose flying at 300 feet. They made five ap-
we can get him?” McCants answered proaches, but the air proved too bumpy
grimly, “We can try.” to try for a rescue. Since radio commu-
Lowrey shouted to his mechanics to nication between the two planes was
get his plane ready for takeoff. It was impossible, Lowrey hand-signaled
an SOC-1 , a two-seat, open-cockpit Johnson to head out over the Pacific,
observation plane, less than 27 feet where the air would be smoother, and
long. Recalled Lowrey afterward, “I they climbed to 3,000 feet. Johnson
didn’t even know how much fuel it held his plane on a straight course and
had.” Turning to McCants, he said, reduced speed to that of the smaller
“Let’s go!” plane—100 miles an hour.
Lowrey and McCants had never Lowrey flew back and away from
flown together before, but the two men Osipoff, but level with him. McCants,
seemed to take it for granted that they who was in the open seat in back of
Lowrey, saw that Osipoff was hanging
by one foot and that blood was drip-
ping from his helmet. Lowrey edged
that was to go get him. How, we didn’t the plane closer with such precision
know. We had no time to plan.”
Nor was there time to get through THE TIMING HAD TO
to their commanding officer and re- BE EXACT SO OSIPOFF
quest permission for the flight. Low-
rey simply told the tower, “Give me DIDN’T SMASH INTO
a green light. I’m taking off.” At the THE PROPELLER.
last moment, a Marine ran out to the
plane with a hunting knife—for cut-
ting Osipoff loose—and dumped it in that his maneuvers jibed with the
McCants’s lap. swings of Osipoff’s inert body. His tim-
As the SOC-1 roared aloft, all activ- ing had to be exact so that Osipoff did
ity around San Diego seemed to stop. not smash into the SOC-1’s propeller.
Civilians crowded rooftops, children Finally, Lowrey slipped his upper
stopped playing at recess, and the left wing under Osipoff’s shroud lines,
men of North Island strained their and McCants, standing upright in the
eyes upward. With murmured prayers rear cockpit—with the plane still going
74 march 2020
Drama in Real Life
100 miles an hour 3,000 feet above the Yet, five minutes later, Lowrey some-
sea—lunged for Osipoff. He grabbed how managed to touch down at
him at the waist, and Osipoff flung his North Island, and the little plane
arms around McCants’s shoulders in a rolled to a stop. Osipoff finally lost
death grip. consciousness—but not before he
McCants pulled Osipoff into the heard sailors applauding the landing.
plane, but since it was only a two- Later on, after lunch, Lowrey and
seater, the next problem was where to McCants went back to their usual du-
put him. As Lowrey eased the SOC-1 ties. Three weeks later, both men were
forward to get some slack in the chute flown to Washington, DC, where Sec-
lines, McCants managed to stretch retary of the Navy Frank Knox awarded
Osipoff’s body across the top of the fu- them the Distinguished Flying Cross
selage, with Osipoff’s head in his lap. for executing “one of the most brilliant
Because McCants was using both and daring rescues in naval history.”
hands to hold Osipoff in a vise, there Osipoff spent the next six months
was no way for him to cut the cords in the hospital. The following January,
that still attached Osipoff to the DC-2. completely recovered and newly pro-
Lowrey then nosed his plane inch by moted to first lieutenant, he went back
inch closer to the transport and, with to parachute jumping. The morning
incredible precision, used his propel- he was to make his first jump after the
ler to cut the shroud lines. After hang- accident, he was cool and laconic, as
ing for 33 minutes between life and usual. His friends, though, were ner-
death, Osipoff was finally free. vous. One after another, they went up
Lowrey had flown so close to the to reassure him. Each volunteered to
transport that he’d nicked a 12-inch jump first so he could follow.
gash in its tail. But now the para- Osipoff grinned and shook his
chute, abruptly detached along with head. “The hell with that!” he said as
the shroud lines, drifted downward he fastened his parachute. “I know
and wrapped itself around Lowrey’s damn well I’m going to make it.” And
rudder. That meant that Lowrey had he did. RD
to fly the SOC-1 without being able
to control it properly and with most This article first appeared in the May
of Osipoff’s body still on the outside. 1975 edition of Reader’s Digest.
Chew on This
Bubble gum, made in 1906, was originally called Blibber-Blubber.
history.com
rd.com 75
“If you want me to give 110 percent, I want a 10 percent raise.”
Mary, aren’t you?” A coworker was telling

I smiled. “No, sorry, us all about her trip to
All
I’m not.” Las Vegas. “That
in a Day’s
“Are you sure? You sounds great. Where’d
WORK look just like someone
I know named Mary.”
you stay?” asked a
colleague.
“Well, I hope she’s “I can’t remember,”
young and skinny.” she said. “But I think it
Sometimes honesty “No,” he said, set- began with an s.”
isn’t the best policy. tling into his chair. “Was it Caesar’s?”
A patient showed up “She looks like you.” —Darrell Berger
at our medical office —Janice Grudowski Johnsonburg,
and asked, “You’re Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Pennsylvania
76 march 2020 Cartoon by Phil Witte

Reader ’s Digest
New hire: Some man put all these WORK-LIFE

files on my desk. Isn’t there an employee BALANCE—
here to take care of all this petty stuff ? WHAT’S THAT?
Older associate: Yes, there is. You. ✦ I have dealt with so
many difficult customers
—stupidcoworkers.com
over the years that I
used to angrily call my
Me: Why aren’t you Never lie on your
dog “Sir” when I was
smiling in your school résumé. You might mad at him.
pictures? get caught by hiring —confessionsofa
Child: Because I’m managers, like these hotelworker.com
at school. fraudsters did:

Me: So? ✦ One applicant
Child: Can I see your took credit for writing
work ID? computer code that
Me: OK, never mind. was actually written by
—@RodLacroix the manager conduct-
ing the job interview.
While taking a clinical ✦ Another applicant
history from an elderly reported being an anti- ✦ Customer: You close
patient, I asked, “How’s terrorist spy for the CIA at six thirty, right?
your love life?” during the years when Barista: Yes, but we close
“I don’t know,” he he would have been in emotionally at six.
said. “I’ll ask my wife.” elementary school. —@sehnaoui
He got up, walked into ✦ Yet another reported
the hallway where his studying under ✦ Once, I went into
wife was sitting, and German philosopher my supervisor’s office
shouted, “Hey, the Friedrich Nietzsche, five minutes before we
doctor wants to know who, by then, had been opened to ask him a
if we still have sex.” dead for 117 years. question. He was lying
on the floor with a pillow
His wife shouted —careerbuilder.com
sarah2/shutterstock
and blanket and the

back, “No, the only
lights turned off. He just
thing we have is Medi- said, “I’m not here yet.”
care and Blue Cross.” Your funny work I work at a public library,
—Sivaprasad story could be worth by the way.
Madduri $$$. For details, go to —Mary Ellis on facebook,
Poplar Bluff, Missouri rd.com/submit. via buzzfeed.com
rd.com 77
FIRST PERSON
78 Photographs by Joleen Zubek

redhead named Wendy. Her place was just
a couple of miles away. She was always smiling
when I pulled up. She gave me exactly what I wanted.
Every time I left, I swore I wouldn’t come back.
Wendy was my favorite, but she in your car, you can get the Double
wasn’t my only one. Sometimes I went Whopper and the onion rings and the
across town for a quickie with a guy in chocolate shake, and nobody knows
a clown suit named Ronald. but the cashier who hands you the
Fast food is my deepest addiction. bag. Every car I’ve owned has ended
Since I was 16 and got my first car, I’ve up with salt in the cracks of the pas-
spent endless hours idling in drive- senger seat and leftover napkins in the
through lanes, waiting to trade my glove box.
money for my fix. I did some deeply One time I was in the drive-through
depressing calculations and figured and called out my regular order. “I’ll
out that I’ve spent at least $30 a week have a number two combo, medium-
on fast food for the last 35 years. That sized, with a Dr Pepper, and—”
comes to somewhere around $55,000, The cashier cut in. “And a junior
enough for a bass boat or a new bacon, right?”
kitchen, with some left over to stash “Right.”
in the bank. Instead, I have invested Wait, what?
it in Big Macs and big pants. If you’re I was at the anonymous fast-food
addicted to anything and want to get joint, ordering in the most anonymous
one solid measure of how much it has way possible. But I went there so often
hurt your life, do the math. that the cashier knew what I wanted
Next time you go to a fast-food joint, just from hearing my voice. I’d become
take a slow walk around the parking a regular.
lot. You’ll find the spaces filled with I told myself I was never going back
customers eating in their cars. That’s again.
where the junkies hang out. Alone I was back in a week.
80 march 2020
First Person Reader ’s Digest
an introvert who learned to talk to

strangers because I love my work as
a reporter and how it makes me feel. I
adore my wife and family and friends.
But I spent so much time alone in
my room growing up, so much time
alone when I was single, so much time
working the day shift as a newspaper
reporter while my wife, Alix, worked
nights. Aloneness has become my
natural state. That’s not who I want to
be, but it’s who I am.
On those days when the gravity of
solitude tried to pin me down, fast
food would serve as a little bridge to
the other side. Sometimes, in a cre-
ative rut, I’d take a drive to get out of
Everybody needs a third place—a the house and see things with a fresh
bar or a coffee shop or a bookstore— eye. I’d almost always end up in a
to feel comfortable that’s not work or drive-through. Maybe I’d sit in the car
home. Willie’s Wee-Nee Wagon in my and people-watch. Maybe I’d take my
hometown of Brunswick, Georgia,
was my third place for a lot of years. OTHER PEOPLE SOOTHE
I went there to meet friends. I went
after getting in trouble with my folks.
THEIR PAIN WITH A
I took dates there. I slunk back there BOTTLE. I SOOTHED
after getting dumped. I went when I MINE WITH A BURGER.
didn’t know what else to do. I’d sit on
the hood of my car, and somebody I
knew would eventually show up. food home. But at least, I’d tell myself,
A couple of weeks after my sister, I’d been out among people.
Brenda, died at the too-young age of This is the cruel trick of most addic-
63, I drove 40 miles from her place to tions. They’re so good at short-term
Willie’s. I ordered a dog and some fries comfort. I’m hungry. I’m lonely. I
and a tea and ate in the car. I grieved need to feel a part of the world. Other
for Brenda and felt a little better. people soothe these pains with the
This sounds pathetic, I know, but bottle or the needle. I soothed them
one of the things I always got from with a burger and fries.
fast food was companionship. I’m I did some more math one day, and
rd.com 81
Reader ’s Digest First Person
it just about knocked me over. On because I broke the addiction before

a re a l l y b a d d ay , I m i g ht e a t it broke me.
6,000 calories—roughly the same And then I finally did. I did it. I gave
amount the average adult tiger con- up fast food for Lent.
sumes. And it goes without saying that
I wasn’t spending half my day chasing On Fat Tuesday, the day of feasting,
down wildebeests. I got Wendy’s one last time for lunch.
How does a human being end up On Ash Wednesday, Alix and I went to
weighing 460 pounds? Six thousand the evening service at our church, and
calories at a time. I made a vow that I was done with all
For the last few years, every time the fast-food chains—anyplace with a
I bought fast food, I kept the receipt drive-through, ketchup packets, and
in my billfold. The idea was that one food that comes in a bag.
Why then? Mostly because Brenda’s
I DON’T KNOW HOW death shook me. I saw what it did to
the rest of us for her to leave so soon.
MUCH GUILT WEIGHS. I don’t want to put my family through
BUT THAT MORNING, I that again. I want all the time I can get
FELT SOME OF IT LIFT. with the people I love.
Since my last binge, I have stayed
away from McDonald’s, Taco Bell,
of those meals would be the last fast- KFC, and their kin. There has been one
food meal I ever ate, and I wanted exception: the day I took my mom
the receipt as a reminder. The weary to the doctor and she decided on the
ritual: I would buy something from way home that she wanted biscuits
the drive-through, toss the old receipt at Hardee’s. When your mama wants
from my last meal, and replace it with
the newest mistake. At my worst, I
swapped it out twice a day.
Every so often, I’d pull out the latest
receipt and look at it. Most days the
ink was still fresh. I’d think about that
day when I’d pull it out and it would
be so old that it was yellowed and
faded. I’d think about the day when it
wouldn’t be a symbol but just a use-
less scrap of paper. I’d think about the
day when I could throw it in the trash,
not needing the reminder anymore
82 march 2020
biscuits at Hardee’s, you get biscuits one of those is its own jolt of pleasure.
at Hardee’s. I trust that God gave me Let me be clear: I am still a sinner.
a pass. There is a Dairy Queen five blocks
That was March 9, 2016. I stuck the from our house, and sometimes on a
receipt in my billfold. That Hardee’s summer night, I’ll dive into a Blizzard
receipt is still in my billfold. The ink with Oreos. (Not a meal, though!)
is so faded, I can barely see what I ate. I’ve never tried this hard before.
That summer, for the first time in I thought it was hopeless because
my life, I bought a scale. It tops out at I thought I was hopeless. I used to
400 pounds, and the first few times I worry that I was lying to myself about
stepped on, the digital readout said being able to stick to a healthy diet
ERROR. Then, on the last day of Au- and get in shape. Now I see that I told
gust, I stepped on and when I looked myself a bigger lie: that I wasn’t worth
down, the readout said 399. the trouble.
I don’t know how much guilt These days my pants are falling off
weighs. Guilt and shame are the hard- for the right reasons. They used to fall
est weight to shed. But that morning, off because my gut was so big that it
I felt some of it lift off me. pushed my waistband down to my
I’ve had cravings, sure. One day in knees. Now they fall off because the
September, I drove from Charlotte to waistband is too big. When I rent a
Harlan, Kentucky, for a story. I got car, I don’t have to try out three or
there late and hungry. I drove down four until I find one where the seat
the main drag, and all the bright lights belt buckles. When I go to the mov-
were temptations: Arby’s, Taco Bell, ies, I don’t have to flip up the armrest
Pizza Hut, and my former sweetheart between the seats.
Wendy. I just about gave in. Then I Perhaps best of all, I have performed
found a Food City supermarket. I got a a magical antiaging trick: I’ve erased
turkey sandwich from the deli. I’m some of the worry lines around Alix’s
not going to pretend that it was eyes. When we go out to eat and I skip
as good as a Quarter Pounder, the burger for the grilled chicken, she
but when I got home, I was smiles and says, “What have you done
able to put an X in that box with my husband?” When she hugs me
on the calendar where now, her arms go all the way around
I am marking the days me. To feel her fingertips touch at the
I have held on to small of my back is a pleasure no meal
my pledge. The can match. RD
calendar is now from the elephant in the room: one fat man ’ s quest
a big unbroken to get smaller in a growing america by tommy
tomlinson. copyright © 2019 by tommy tomlinson.
string of X’s, and each reprinted by permission of simon & schuster, inc.
rd.com 83
YOU BE THE JUDGE
OUTRAGEOUS
VERDICTS!
A favorite RD feature is back,
with four rulings that infuriated
their losers. Do you agree?
By Vicki Glembocki
illustrations by Magoz Studio
84 march 2020
The Case of the
Broken Lottery Machine
You might say that Pauline McKee is
a slot machine veteran. At 87, she had
been working the slots for more than
six decades. But the “Miss Kitty” ma-
chine at the Isle Casino Hotel in Wa-
terloo, Iowa, was new to her. That’s
where McKee was playing on July 2,
2011, when, at around 10 p.m., she
wagered 25 cents on a spin and won
$1.85. But that wasn’t all. A special
message also popped up on the game’s
screen: “The reels have rolled your
way! Bonus Award—$41,797,550.16.”
McKee and her daughter, who was
rd.com 85
Reader ’s Digest You Be the Judge
playing nearby, excitedly called over “Malfunction voids all pays and
a casino attendant. The supervisor plays.” As a result, the casino refused
on duty took a photo of the screen, to pay the $41.8 million.
told McKee she needed to make a On January 26, 2012, McKee sued,
few phone calls, and gave McKee $10 claiming, primarily, that the casino
to continue to play while they waited had breached a contract by not pay-
for more information. The supervisor ing her the bonus. That October, the
even paid for McKee’s hotel room for district court announced it wouldn’t
the night. move forward with the case since the
The next day, McKee received a rules of the game, which McKee had
note from the general manager of access to, formed the relevant con-
the casino, who described the situa- tract. Ultimately, McKee appealed to
tion as “unusual.” She comped all the the Iowa Supreme Court. “Whether the
rooms McKee’s family had stayed in— casino intended it to happen or not,
McKee, a widow and grandmother of Mrs. McKee didn’t do anything wrong,”
13, had come to Waterloo from her said her attorney, Steve Enochian. “She
home in Antioch, Illinois, for a fam- played the slots like the casino wanted
ily reunion—and explained that she’d her to, so it needs to pay.”
contacted the Iowa Racing and Gam-
ing Commission (IRGC) to inspect the Did the casino owe Pauline McKee
machine. $41.8 million?
IRGC sent Miss Kitty’s hardware
and software to Gaming Laborato- THE VERDICT
ries International, a testing lab. The In April 2015, before a jury could hear
logs on the machine showed that the case, the Iowa Supreme Court
the game misinterpreted a notice dismissed her claim. And it wasn’t
from the casino’s central system as because paying would have sent the
an award bonus. Miss Kitty was ca- casino into bankruptcy, as its attorney,
pable of displaying a max bonus of Stacey Cormican, noted to the press.
$10,000, but bonuses weren’t tech- Since Miss Kitty’s rules didn’t “provide
nically listed as possible prizes in for any kind of bonus,” Justice Edward
this Miss Kitty’s rules—which McKee M. Mansfield wrote, “McKee had no
hadn’t read but were accessible by contractual right to a bonus.” So the
tapping a button on the screen. In casino awarded her the $10,000 max,
other words, the computer had mal- right? No. A thousand? A hundred? No.
functioned, and the jackpot McKee She only ever received what she had
thought she’d won was, as the IRGC won on that spin—$1.85. As McKee
put it, “not valid.” A sign posted on complained to the Chicago Tribune,
the front of the machine was plain: “That’s terrible.”
86 march 2020
the family, along with two kids, two
The Case of the Pet Raccoon cats, koi, and chickens. They walked
her on a leash, trained her to use a
Kellie Greer was walking in Cottage litter box, and built an enclosure for
Grove Park near her Seattle home in her in their backyard. They called her
June 2010 when she spotted two new- “human-friendly.” In fact, she regu-
born raccoons. She’d already come larly posed for photos with the neigh-
across a dead adult raccoon in the bor kids, Seattle police officers, and
road, which she assumed was their even Washington Department of Fish
mother. Still, she waited several hours and Wildlife (WDFW) game wardens,
to see whether an adult raccoon would whom the family ran into on annual
return for the babies, and when none fall camping trips to Icicle Creek park.
did, she brought the tiny orphans During one trip in November 2017,
home. One died that night, but the the Greers stopped for gas in Cou-
other held on. Kellie called the Pro- lee City. While Chris pumped, Kellie
gressive Animal Welfare Society and walked Mae around the parking lot. A
15 animal rehabilitation centers in WDFW officer, Glenn Steffler, pulled in
the area. None, she says, had space for behind the Greers and asked whether
the raccoon. So she and her husband, they had a permit to possess a wild
Chris Greer, decided to keep her. They animal; it’s illegal to keep raccoons as
named her Mae. pets in Washington. Chris fibbed and
For seven years, Mae was part of said yes.
rd.com 87
Reader ’s Digest You Be the Judge
But Steffler checked the records and

discovered the truth. A week later, an-
other officer knocked on the Greers’ The Case of the Halal KFC
door. Kellie invited him in. There was
Mae, lying on the sofa. In 2016, Afzal Lokhandwala’s busi-
“I need to take her,” the officer said. ness was booming. He owned eight
“Today?” Kellie asked. Yes, he said. Kentucky Fried Chicken ( KFC) fran-
Mae ended up at Center Valley chises around Chicago, most serving
Animal Rescue in Quilcene. She had large Muslim populations. They knew
a broken tooth and had been too do- that Lokhandwala was also a practic-
mesticated to ever return to the wild. ing Muslim, and they knew that all
If she couldn’t be used for educational the chicken-on-the-bone he sold was
purposes at the rescue center, she halal. To be certified as halal—i.e.,
might be euthanized. On December 5, “permissible”—the chicken had to
2017, the Greers sued for custody of be slaughtered, distributed, and pre-
Mae. At the Thurston County Supe- pared according to Islamic religious
rior Court hearing in April 2018, Chris standards.
turned to the WDFW ’s attorney and Lokhandwala emigrated from India
said, “We don’t understand why you in 1989 and landed a job as an assis-
want her now.” tant manager at a South Side KFC. He
worked his way up to manager, then
Should Mae the raccoon be returned to franchisee, opening his first KFC in
to the Greer family? 2003. His franchise director, Ken Taft,
helped him find a halal-certified, KFC-
THE VERDICT approved poultry slaughterhouse,
When the hearing officer decided against and KFC had “full knowledge and ap-
the Greers, they wept in the courtroom. proval” of his marketing the chicken
They appealed—and lost. “This raccoon as halal on signs in his restaurant. In
is not in good shape,” announced the fact, Lokhandwala says, several KFC
judge nearly a year after Mae had been execs visited his restaurant “regularly.”
taken from the Greers. This was the In 2006, Lokhandwala opened a
final ruling and, according to WDFW second franchise, and with KFC’s ap-
attorney Neil Wise, the right precedent. proval he advertised that the restau-
Otherwise, he said, “What’s to stop rant was halal in the newspaper and
everybody from grabbing animals out of on TV. He opened a third franchise
the wild and making pets out of them?” four years later. In 2012, he opened
Once no animal shelter would take her, five more, in Muslim communities.
the ruling made clear, the Greers should But in October 2016, Lokhandwala
have simply left Mae to die. received a letter from KFC’s corporate
88 march 2020
headquarters saying that his halal sales were down 20 percent. An attor-
advertising could confuse custom- ney for KFC, Daniel Weiss, filed a mo-
ers who had been to other KFC shops tion to dismiss all claims because the
that didn’t offer halal chicken. Then, franchise agreement gave the company
in December, a KFC lawyer informed “the absolute right” to prohibit any ad-
him that he was violating a 2009 KFC vertising of its product.
policy that prohibited franchises from
making religious claims about KFC Should KFC let Lokhandwala
products. He was told to stop market- continue to advertise halal chicken?
ing his chicken as halal.
Lokhandwala had not been aware THE VERDICT
of this policy, and it had never been U.S. district judge John Robert Blakey
mentioned when he was negotiat- dismissed the case outright on January 23,
ing with KFC about opening the five 2018. “Under the franchise agreement,
franchises based entirely upon offer- defendant has every right to bar plaintiff
ing halal chicken. Had he known, he from advertising his products as halal,”
says, he never would have purchased Blakey wrote, “even if defendant al-
those stores. He was now at risk of los- lowed that advertising in the past.”
ing $1 million a year in sales. Lokhandwala was dumbfounded. “You’d
In August 2017, Lokhandwala sued think that a company in the business of
KFC, claiming breach of contract and selling product to as many people as
asking the court to stop KFC from possible would want to reach out to cer-
preventing him from advertising its tain communities,” notes his attorney,
chicken as halal. Already, he claimed, Michael Goldberg. “It made no sense.”
rd.com 89
Sioux Falls Board of Historic Pres-
ervation proposing to raze their
1920s Tudor house and build a new
4,000-square-foot structure. The ar-
chitect who’d drawn the renderings
had taken into account the state’s
special requirements for new con-
struction in historic areas. The board
approved the plans.
The Sapienzas’ contractor, Dick So-
rum, revised the plans in accordance
with the city’s zoning restrictions for
height and setback from adjacent
properties, but he didn’t realize that
historic regulations were different.
Sorum took his plans to the city’s
historic-preservation office, but the
employee he needed to get approval
from was out, so he left the plans
there. They were never formally ap-
proved by the preservation board.
The Case of the Towering Two months later, in August, Pierce
House McDowell and Josh Sapienza met for
drinks. Later, Pierce sent Josh a text:
Pierce and Barbara McDowell had “I have to forewarn you that my wife
lived in their historic home on South is really suffering about all of this.
Second Avenue in Sioux Falls, South The home is just way too big for the
Dakota, for 24 years. Built in 1924, it lot ... not your problem or fault ... just
is on the National Register of Historic a tough gig for us.” On October 22, the
Places, one of several such build- city issued a building permit; the plans
ings in their McKennan Park neigh- did conform to its standard height and
borhood, which is itself a registered size requirements. Still, no one coor-
historic district recognized for its dinated with the historic-preservation
“well-maintained houses” with “co- office, even as the foundation was
hesive character.” poured in November.
The McDowells welcomed new Over the next six months, as
next-door neighbors, Josh and Sarah the house was constructed, the
Sapienza, in 2013. The next year, the McDowells were shocked by how
Sapienzas submitted plans to the close the new structure was to their
90 march 2020
You Be the Judge Reader ’s Digest
property and, specifically, to the “What more could Josh and Sarah
chimney of their own historic wood- Sapienza have done?”
burning fireplace. They called the
fire department, which inspected the Should the Sapienzas be required
house, only to turn around and ticket to revamp—or demolish—their new
the McDowells for a code violation, home?
ordering them not to use the fireplace
or risk responsibility for damages that THE VERDICT
might occur. “This is a difficult case,” noted Justice
The McDowells hired attorney Steven Zinter, one of a five-judge panel
Steve Johnson, who, on May 8, 2015, that heard the case. Chief Justice David
sent the Sapienzas a cease-and-desist Gilbertson asked whether the lower
letter. Still, construction continued. court’s ruling was basically “a demolition
The 4,000-square-foot house ulti- order,” and the Sapienzas’ lawyer sug-
mately stood 44.5 feet high, exceeding gested that his clients compensate their
the regulations for historic buildings neighbors for the fireplace and lost prop-
and towering over the other houses erty value rather than tear down their
in the neighborhood by an average of entire house. But in January 2018, the
more than eight feet. The McDowells supreme court affirmed the circuit court’s
sued, claiming the Sapienzas had ruling: Even if the McDowells could be
been negligent and asking the court compensated, that “would not remedy
for injunctive relief—either make the McKennan Park’s continuing and long-
house compliant or knock it down. A term loss of its historic character.” In May,
circuit judge agreed. a giant crane knocked down the Sapien-
Of course, the Sapienzas appealed, zas’ home. As Sarah Sapienza watched
arguing to the state supreme court the demolition, she maintained that
in October 2017 that they’d followed she had paid a steep price for a flawed
the rules—they got all board approv- process, telling a reporter, “The city
als and all the proper permits. Their made a mistake; the historic board made
attorney, Dick Travis, asked the court: a mistake. I did not make a mistake.” RD
What Will They Call It Now?

The Leaning Tower of Pisa is getting taller! In 1990, engineers closed the 185-foot
white marble building for a decade to make structural adjustments that corrected
the lean by 17 inches. Recently, the Italian government announced that the tower
had recovered 1.57 more inches largely on its own (and thanks to its shored-up
foundation). At this rate, the tower will be perfectly straight—in 4,000 years.
rd.com 91
NATIONAL INTEREST
92 march 2020
Reader ’s Digest
rd.com 93
Some 1,500 students attend Santa Fe High School; many are conservative Christians.
previous spread: joleen zubek, courtesy joleen cogburn (inset images). this page: brian goldman
The girl with the black hair smiled
back. “I’m Sabika.”
Jaelyn told Sabika her full name was
Jaelyn Cogburn. She was 15 years old,
a freshman, and new to the school, so
she didn’t know many people. Sabika
said her full name was Sabika Sheikh,
and she was a foreign exchange stu-
girls’ PE class noticed the new student from Pakistan. She was 16, a ju-
dent. She had long black hair and ma- nior. She didn’t know anyone at all.
hogany eyes, and she sat by herself in The bell rang, and Jaelyn and Sabika
the bleachers, staring curiously at the moved on to their other classes. At the
other girls in their shorts and T-shirts end of the day, Jaelyn hurried out to
doing jumping jacks and push-ups. It the parking lot, where her mother,
was September 11, 2017, and after two Joleen Cogburn, was waiting. “Mom,”
weeks of cancellations caused by Hur- Jaelyn asked, “where’s Pakistan?”
ricane Harvey, classes had resumed Despite its proximity to Houston,
at Texas’s Santa Fe High School, some Santa Fe, with a population of 13,000,
35 miles south of Houston. feels like a small town. Deeply con-
Just one student approached. She servative, the town attracted national
had straw-blond hair and turquoise attention in 2000 when school officials
eyes, and she wore a blue T-shirt with appealed all the way to the U.S. Su-
a Bible verse, Matthew 4:19, printed preme Court to defend their practice
on the front: “Follow Me, and I will of conducting public prayers before
make you fishers of men.” football games. (They lost.)
The girl with the blond hair smiled. Joleen and her husband, Jason
“I’m Jaelyn,” she said. Cogburn, live with their six children
94 march 2020
National Interest Reader ’s Digest
(three of whom are adopted) on prayer that warbled from loudspeakers

three and a half acres in a comfort- attached to the nearby mosque.
able two-story home. Every Sunday, Karachi, a sprawling port city on
the family attends Santa Fe Christian Pakistan’s southern border with a
Church. Joleen has homeschooled all population of some 15 million, is
the children, following a Bible-based often called one of the world’s least
curriculum. livable cities. The roads are choked
Jaelyn, the oldest birth child, was with rickshaws, motorcycles sputter-
shy. Outside of her siblings and a ing clouds of exhaust, and wagons
couple of girls from her church youth hitched to donkeys. Millions of resi-
group, she stayed mostly to herself. dents dwell in slums without water
But that summer, she had surprised or electricity. In 2002, Karachi made
her parents, telling them that she
wanted to go to Santa Fe High.
Joleen and Jason assumed that their
daughter would have trouble adjust-
ing to life at a public high school with
1,500 students. Instead, Jaelyn came
home on that first day smiling and
talking excitedly about meeting a girl
from Pakistan. She googled Pakistan international headlines when Wall
and read that almost all the country’s Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl
200 million residents are Muslim. was abducted on a downtown street
“You know, Mom,” Jaelyn said, “I’ve and later beheaded.
never met a Muslim.” Still, Sabika loved Karachi. She
“Well, maybe God has put you to- loved piling into her father’s green
gether for a reason,” Joleen said. “Who Toyota Corolla with her family for the
knows? Maybe the two of you will be- 15-minute drive to the beach. She
come friends.” eagerly anticipated visits to the mall.
That same night, at the home where And she looked forward to playing
hand lettering by maria amador
Sabika was staying with her host fam- badminton on the roof of their apart-
ily, a Pakistani-born Muslim couple, ment building with her sisters, Saniya
she called her parents, 8,500 miles and Soha, and her brother, Ali. With
away in Karachi. Sabika’s mother, the aromas of spice-laden dinners
Farah Naz Sheikh, and her father, Ab- wafting from neighbors’ apartments,
dul Aziz Sheikh, who goes by Aziz, the children would play until the sun
had been up with their three other set, when the call to prayer sounded.
children since dawn—awakened, as Sabika had not yet reached her first
they were every morning, by the call to birthday when Al Qaeda attacked the
rd.com 95
Reader ’s Digest National Interest
United States on September 11, 2001. Jaelyn asking Sabika questions based
As a teenager, disturbed by the char- on what she had read online. Was she
acterization of her country as a breed- really not allowed to eat pork because
ing ground for extremism, she told it’s considered unclean? (Correct.)
friends and family that she planned Would she allow her marriage to be
to join Pakistan’s foreign service and arranged by her parents? (Most likely,
become a diplomat. She wanted to though she would want to meet him
show people that Pakistanis were not first.) And did she truly believe that
terrorists and that there was nothing the Koran was the final word of God?
to fear about their faith. (Of course, Sabika said.)
In the fall of 2016, Sabika’s cousin Jaelyn showed Sabika the Bible app
Shaheera Jalil Albasit told her about on her phone, and Sabika pulled up
a U.S. State Department program that her Koran app, along with a digital
provides funding for high school stu- compass, which she relied on to face
dents from countries with large Mus- east toward Mecca for her prayers.
lim populations to study in the United “They were the odd couple, the
States for a school year. Aziz and Farah Christian girl and the Muslim girl,”
feared that their daughter would be
disparaged by anti-Muslim Americans,
but they agreed to allow her to apply.
Sabika was one of roughly 900 stu-
dents selected. She was ecstatic. When
she received the news that she would
be sent to Santa Fe, Texas, she and
her parents went online and looked
at photos of the town and the high says their PE teacher, Connie Monte-
school, a long, boxy redbrick building mayor. “In a way, it was a perfect pair-
alongside Highway 6. ing of opposites.”
On the day she left, in August In October, Jaelyn invited Sabika to
2017, Aziz and Farah arranged for a her house to meet her family. “Wel-
sadaqah, a ritualistic sacrifice of a come to Texas!” Joleen said, giving her
goat, to protect Sabika from harm. a hug. Over the next few weeks, Joleen
Then the family piled into the Corolla drove Sabika and Jaelyn to the movies,
to take Sabika to the airport. a high school football game, and the
theater department’s performance of
After their first-day meeting, Jaelyn Shakespeare’s The Tempest.
and Sabika became fast friends. Ev- After Sabika shared with Jaelyn
ery day during fourth period, they that she wanted to experience life in
walked laps around the gym, with a non-Muslim home, Jaelyn asked
96 march 2020
The Cogburns were already raising a large family, but they made room for Sabika.
her parents whether Sabika could live pastor talked about Jesus being born in
with them. “Honey, I’ve already got a manger to a virgin, and she watched
six children to raise,” said Joleen. But the congregants observe the Last Sup-
she noticed a pleading look in Jaelyn’s per by drinking grape juice and eating
eyes that she had never seen before, wafers. She rose with everyone else to
and soon it was arranged for Sabika sing contemporary Christian songs,
to live with the Cogburns. and she closed her eyes during prayers.
She was given an upstairs bedroom. For Christmas, Joleen bought Sabika
She hung a Pakistani flag on the wall, last-minute presents: a camera, a
and on her door she taped a draw- scrapbooking album, a ring deco-
ing she had made of an airplane fly- rated with a crescent moon, pajamas,
ing over a globe. Beneath the airplane sweaters, and socks. And the week
she had written, in English, “Up in the after, Sabika went with the Cogburns
clouds, on my way to unknown things.” to a Christian retreat center in West
Each evening, after Sabika prayed Texas. There, word spread that Sabika
and called her parents, she and Jaelyn was a practicing Muslim, and a teen-
would talk late into the night. Jaelyn age boy confronted her, snidely asking
would quote the Bible, and in turn whether she was a terrorist. “Stop it!”
Sabika would quote the Koran. Jaelyn snapped. “Sabika’s my friend!”
On Christmas Eve, a few days after “You’re friends with her?” the boy
she moved in, Sabika said she wanted pressed.
brian goldman
to go to church with the Cogburns. “We’re best friends,” said Jaelyn.

She wore an ankle-length, traditional
Pakistani dress and sat next to Jaelyn. Just as she had been in Pakistan, Sabika
She listened in bewilderment as the was a straight-A student. In physics,
rd.com 97
Jaelyn’s mission is
to share Sabika’s
message of love.
In January, she and

Jaelyn learned that
a schoolmate had
killed himself. And
on Valentine’s Day,
they got alerts on
their phones that a
deadly shooting had
occurred at Marjory
Stoneman Douglas
High School in Park-
land, Florida. Sabika
was familiar with
school violence. Over
the years, the Taliban
she made nearly perfect grades. In had forcibly closed schools that edu-
English, she dutifully read American cated girls in regions of Pakistan. But
classics such as Of Mice and Men, The why, she asked Jaelyn, would an Amer-
Crucible, and The Great Gatsby, and ican boy, blessed with privileges most
she wrote a research paper on the Pakistanis saw only on TV, go on such
#MeToo movement. (“One of the best a rampage? If he was having a hard
students I’ve ever had,” says Dena time, didn’t he have anyone to talk to?
Brown, her English teacher.) In his- Couldn’t his family have helped?
tory, she gave a presentation about During one of her calls with her par-
Pakistan in which she described the ents, Sabika opened up about the side
friendly people and delicious food. of American high school life that trou-
And she left an impression in other bled her. Some of the students seemed
ways. “I don’t know how to explain so lonely, she said. They weren’t close
this exactly, but you felt happy around to their families the way Pakistani
Sabika,” says Montemayor. “She never children were. Aziz and Farah asked
argued, and she never got upset. She Sabika whether she felt safe, and she
brian goldman
was a peacemaker. I used to tease her assured them there was nothing to
and call her my Nelson Mandela.” worry about. She and Jaelyn were to-
Occasionally, Sabika did encoun- gether always. “We will never put our-
ter tragic aspects of American life. selves in danger,” she said.
98 march 2020
National Interest Reader ’s Digest
Sabika was scheduled to return to Ka- She placed it beside Sabika’s and said
rachi on June 9, 2018, which meant she wanted to pray with her. Sabika
that she would be spending most nodded and dropped to her knees.
of Ramadan, the holiest period of “Ashhadu an la ilaha illa Allah,”
the Islamic year, with the Cogburns. Sabika recited.
Sabika explained to them that every “Dear precious Lord and Savior,
day during the monthlong obser- thank you for this day,” Jaelyn began.
vance, Muslims are required to fast
from dawn until sunset. They are The morning of May 18, Sabika and
not allowed to engage in thoughts or Jaelyn ate a predawn breakfast, and
behaviors considered impure. It is a then Jaelyn drove them to school in
time of introspection and commu- the family’s old green pickup. They
nal prayer. Jaelyn, Joleen, and Jason sat in the truck and chatted until the
said they wanted to fast with her. “It bell rang. Sabika asked whether they
was our way of honoring Sabika,” says could hang out a little longer. Jaelyn,
Joleen. “It was our way of letting her though, had a test in her first-period
know how much she was loved.” biology class.
And so, on May 16, the first day of “We’re already late,” Jaelyn said.
Ramadan, Jason, Joleen, Jaelyn, and “Let’s just go.”
Sabika woke earlier than usual and ate Minutes after Jaelyn took her seat
in class, the fire alarm sounded. “It’s
probably just a drill,” her teacher said.
Jaelyn exited the school through a side
door with other students. Once out-
side, she saw several police cars speed
past, sirens screaming. She overheard
a teacher say there had been a shoot-
ing in the art room. Panicked, Jaelyn
a full breakfast before the sun rose. At borrowed a phone to call Sabika, but
school, Jaelyn and Sabika still walked it went straight to voice mail. She tried
laps during PE, but they didn’t take a again, over and over. She ran from one
sip of water. That night, Joleen pre- student to another, asking whether
pared a dinner of chicken spaghetti, they had seen Sabika. She called her
and the family waited for sunset. parents. “I can’t find Sabika!” she
After dinner, Sabika went upstairs screamed.
for her evening prayer, and as she un- Soon, news helicopters were hover-
furled her prayer mat, the bedroom ing overhead. Local television stations
door opened behind her. There stood broke into their regularly scheduled
Jaelyn, holding her own prayer rug. broadcasts to announce that an active
rd.com 99
Reader ’s Digest
shooter was at Santa Fe High School. He ushered Jaelyn and Joleen into an
Half a world away, Aziz, Farah, and empty room to tell them Sabika was
their children had just finished iftar, dead. Jaelyn collapsed to the floor,
the evening meal at the end of the day- and Joleen began screaming.
long fast. Aziz turned on the television After the Cogburns drove home,
to catch the news, and he saw on the Jason composed himself and walked
ticker that there had been a shooting outside to call Aziz, who was stand-
at a Texas school. He switched to CNN. ing in his living room, surrounded by
On the screen was a photo of the same friends and relatives who had heard
high school that Sabika had seen on about the shooting. Farah sat with the
her computer when she'd learned she children on the sofa. After speaking
was going to Santa Fe. with Jason, Aziz lowered his phone.
Aziz called Sabika 24 times in a row. He turned to everyone in the room
He finally called Jason, who had driven and said, “Sabika is no more.”
to the high school with Joleen. The two
men had never spoken. Talking slowly
so that Aziz could understand him,
Jason said Sabika was missing and that
as soon as he was given more informa-
tion, he would call back.
Jason, Joleen, Jaelyn, and other
families who were still looking for
their children were sent to a nearby In all, eight students and two teachers
building that officials were calling a were murdered, and thirteen others
“family reunification center.” Peri- were wounded. A junior at the school,
odically, a bus arrived with students Dimitrios Pagourtzis, confessed. That
who had been inside the school since morning, he had carried two guns to
the police lockdown. The Cogburns school under his trench coat. He went
watched each student step off the bus, to the school’s art lab, pumped the
hoping Sabika would emerge. shotgun, and started shooting.
At 1:30, the final bus arrived, carry- For days, mourners gathered on
ing students who had been in the art the high school’s front lawn. The Cog-
room. Joleen asked whether anyone burns went to a memorial service that
had seen Sabika, and someone said the Islamic Society of Greater Hous-
she had seen her go into the class- ton held for Sabika. More than 2,000
room but hadn’t seen her come out. people showed up. Jaelyn, her head
By then, only ten families remained covered with a prayer shawl, told
at the reunification center. Jason got the crowd in a trembling voice that
a call from a friend at the hospital. Sabika was “loyal to her faith and her
100 march 2020

National Interest
country. She loved her family, and she herself over and over, hadn’t she talked
couldn’t wait to see them. She was the with her best friend a little longer?
most amazing person I’ve ever met. I In her bedroom, Jaelyn spent hours
will always miss her.” in prayer, begging God to “make a
Sabika’s casket was wrapped in the way” for her, and in June, just after
green-and-white flag of Pakistan and her 16th birthday, she told her parents
flown to Karachi. A Pakistani honor that God had heard her prayers.
guard placed the casket in a van, “What does God want you to do?”
which transported it to the Sheikhs’ Joleen asked.
apartment. A throng of people had al- A year earlier, Jaelyn had embarked
ready gathered. When someone asked on a ten-day mission trip with her
how Aziz was feeling, he said, simply, church’s youth group to the impov-
“My heart drowns.” erished Belizean village of Teakettle.
Sabika was taken to a small cem- She had volunteered at an orphanage
etery to be buried, not far from her and worshipped at a tiny tin-roofed
grandparents. Aziz turned her face to Baptist church. Now she was con-
the west so that she always would be vinced that God was calling her back.
looking toward Mecca. Just like Sabika, she told her parents,
Joleen asked the pastor at their she wanted to live for a year with a
church to hold a service for Sabika. It host family and attend the local high
was a peculiar request—a memorial school. She wanted to volunteer at the
for a Muslim at an evangelical church. orphanage and spread a message of
But during Sabika’s time in Santa Fe, love to the Belizean people.
the congregation had come to adore “We knew that if Jaelyn stayed
her. More than 100 people attended, around Santa Fe, nothing would get
singing Sabika’s favorite songs. better,” says Jason. “The only way one
After the service, Jaelyn was in bet- gets through tough times is to serve
ter spirits. But as the days passed, she other people.”
had trouble focusing on anything but And so, in August, Jaelyn and Joleen
Sabika’s death. Joleen reminded her flew to Belize and drove to a part of the
of a famous passage from the book of country that tourists rarely see: its in-
Psalms: “Weeping may endure for a terior, thick with rain forests and tiny
night, but joy comes in the morning.” villages, where dirt streets are lined
Jaelyn, though, was haunted by with shanties and smoke from cook-
one thought in particular: if only. If ing fires lingers in the air. Joleen stayed
only she’d stayed with Sabika in the to help her daughter settle in. Once on
parking lot, Sabika likely wouldn’t her own, Jaelyn acclimated to her new
have been in the art room when the routine, though she continued to ex-
shooting started. Why, Jaelyn asked perience flashbacks of the shooting. At
rd.com 101
Reader ’s Digest National Interest
the end of each day, she called home,

read her Bible, and drifted off to sleep.
On Sundays after church, she liked to
go swimming in a river with the chil-
dren from her host family.
In December, her school in Belize
announced its annual poetry contest.
Jaelyn decided to write about Sabika. It
would be the first time she told anyone
there about the shooting back home. Aziz visits his daughter every day. “Sabika
The day of the competition, the entire is with Allah,” he tells his other children.
student body gathered at the outdoor
chapel to hear the contestants read She shared the despair that still
their work. The themes were, for the haunted her.
most part, typical of teenage life: a I know what it’s like to hurt, to have
girl’s lamentation about other girls pain, to gain, to lose.
who pretend to be friendly but really I know what it’s like to live when
aren’t; a boy’s adoration of his brother. death has come so close.
When it came time for Jaelyn’s When she finished, her fellow stu-
reading, she shuffled to the stage and dents gave her a standing ovation. Jae-
stood in silence, rivulets of tears form- lyn broke into tears again and slowly
ing across her face. A minute passed. walked back to her seat.
Then another. Jaelyn finally looked up During one of their nightly phone
and announced the title of her poem: calls, Jaelyn told Joleen that she did
“Why I’m Here.” She began: not plan to return home when the
I’m an American girl in Belize living school year ended.
her life alone. “I believe God is calling me to stay
You’ve never seen me. I’m unheard in Belize,” she said.
of and unknown. “For another year?” Joleen asked.
She described her friendship with Jaelyn explained that she felt as
Sabika. if she was making a difference. She
I swear I’ve never been closer to a was getting the chance to do for oth-
person. Nor will I ever be. ers what Sabika had done for her and
She was like an angel sent from God keeping Sabika’s spirit alive.
and came to set me free. “Is there anything better I could
She recounted the shooting. do with my life?” Jaelyn asked.
khaula jamil
A boy went to school with a gun in “Anything?” RD

his hand. texas monthly (may 2019), copyright © 2019 by texas
He started shooting. And I just ran. monthly, texasmonthly.com.

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Reader ’s Digest
INSPIRATION
He
Trots
T H E
Air
He
s.
a r
rh y e
ors 2 5
e ha fo r
No d s ta y
ed by her sid
e o.
w it g
w a s t i m e to l e t h i m
By Pam Houston
from outside

Reader ’s Digest Inspiration
L
ast summer, I put my old household, so my temperament ran a
roan horse in the ground. little closer to Deseo’s. I counted on
But there’s way more to the Roany to keep the whole barnyard
story than that. Thirty-nine calm, not just Deseo and the mini don-
years on the planet, 25 of keys but also the ewes and lambs, the
those with me. recalcitrant rams, the aging chickens,
The first thing I noticed about Roany and me.
was that he had a kind eye; the second I called Roany “the horse of a differ-
was his size—just under 17 hands (five ent color.” In the dead of winter, he was
foot eight) at the shoulder. The Santa burgundy wine with tiny white flecks.
Fe cowboy who sold him didn’t tell me In March, he would shed to a dappled
much apart from his age, which likely gray with rust highlights. By mid-
had a year or two shaved off, and that summer he was red again, but not such
previous spread: elizabeth allnut/offset (horse). natalia van d/shutterstock (horseshoe)

he went better away from the barn if a rich red as in wintertime. And when
you wore spurs. Within days, I came
to understand Roany’s intensely good ROANY BLEW BUBBLES
nature. Each morning when I went out
to feed him, he greeted me with a just-
IN HIS WATER BUCKET
happy-to-be-here chortle. BECAUSE HE KNEW IT
He was as solid a trail horse as I’ve MADE ME LAUGH.
ever ridden, never flinching in big
wind, or while crossing water, or when
mule deer twins who’d been stashed by his heavy coat grew back in October, he
their mother in some willows leaped in was solid gray for most of a month.
front of him. He was so bombproof that For two and a half decades at
the county search-and-rescue team the ranch, Roany’s coat marked the
enlisted his help a few times a year to changing of the seasons. I stopped rid-
find and deliver a wayward hiker. ing him when he turned 33, because I
I bought Roany the same year I thought he deserved a lengthy retire-
moved to a ranch in Creede, Colorado, ment, though he stayed well muscled
because Deseo, my alarmist Paso and strong until a few months before
Fino, was deciding that Colorado was his death.
the scariest place he’d ever been. First He had a bout of lameness in April
off, there was snow—a whole lot of it. and a longer one in May. By late June,
The predator-to-livestock ratio was he was limping more often than not.
not to his liking, and the pasture was When Doc Howard came for a ranch
surrounded by hundred-foot spruce call, he said, “There’s a number asso-
trees that often sang in the wind. ciated with this lameness, Pam, and
I grew up in an unpredictably violent it’s 39.”
108 march 2020

Roany’s coat marked the changing of the seasons: burgundy with white flecks in the
dead of winter, dappled gray in the spring, and red again in summer.
I
did the things there are to do: mostly he hung around the corral.
supplements, an ice boot, DMSO The downside of Roany having the
to reduce swelling, Adequan shots, best head on his shoulders of any ani-
even phenylbutazone on the most mal I’d ever owned was that he never
painful days. We’d had very little snow got the bulk of my attention. But that
and no spring rain, and for the first summer, between me; my fiancé,
time in my tenure the pasture stayed Mike; and my ranch helpers, Kyle and
dormant all summer, the ground extra Emma, he hardly had a moment’s
hard on sore hooves. peace. We iced his legs and groomed
Roany loved nothing more than him twice daily, mixed canola oil into
the return of the spring grass, and his grain to help keep weight on him,
it seemed radically unfair that in and hugged him constantly.
courtesy pam houston
what was looking to be his last year, He seemed bemused, maybe even
there wouldn’t be any. I watered, touched, by all the attention. Every
daily, a thin strip of ground between time we set the water in front of him,
the corral and the chicken coop he took a giant drink, and I suspect it
and named it Roany’s golf course. was more for our sake than his. One
He had some good days there, but day, Kyle, not knowing I was out there,
rd.com 109
Reader ’s Digest
set a bucket down next to Roany not even give himself a bird bath by
three minutes after he had drunk splashing his still-mighty head.
three fourths of a fresh bucket for me. I also knew that just because he
Roany looked at Kyle for a minute, could handle the discomfort didn’t
glanced over at me, then lowered his mean he should. He had been so
head to drink again. strong so recently, a force of nature
My biggest fear was that he would thundering back and forth across the
fall and break something during one pasture. There was no chance I was
of the weeks I was away from the going to ask him to make another
ranch and would have to be put down winter, but as long as he was hobbling
immediately. This was accompanied to his golf course and chortling to me
by a lesser but still palpable fear that each morning, it seemed too early to
the same thing would happen on a end his life.
day when I was there all alone.
T
As his condition deteriorated, I hat summer, I was getting ready
worried that we would pass the point to marry Mike, a U.S. Forest
when we could ask him to walk far Service lifer who was teaching
enough across the pasture to a burial me, in my 56th year, what it meant
site where his grave wouldn’t invite for a man to show up in a relation-
trouble to the remaining animals who ship. More than one of my friends
lived in and around the barn. suggested that Roany had held on so
I had made difficult decisions a long to deliver me safely to Mike, and
dozen times in my life with beloved I had no reason to argue.
dogs, but the length of a horse’s life Among Mike’s other gifts is a deep
and the sheer size of its body made intuition about the suffering of people
the timing even trickier. I knew I and animals, so I paid attention when
didn’t want Roany rendered with a he said, on a Monday night in mid-
chain saw. I knew that if we had to August less than two weeks before
drag his body across the pasture be- the wedding, “This is entirely your
hind a piece of heavy equipment, it decision, but if you want to put Roany
would tear him all to hell. down this week, I could take Wednes-
Roany was stoicism defined. As day afternoon off.”
his condition worsened, he learned I was not surprised, on Tuesday
to pivot on his good front leg—and morning, to see a slight downturn in
would, for an apple or a carrot or to Roany’s condition. He ate his food,
sneak into the barn to get at the win- drank his water, stood for his treat-
ter’s stash of alfalfa. He blew bubbles ments, but there was something a lit-
in his water bucket because it made tle lost in that kind eye, in the way he
me laugh, and he would sometimes held his body up over his aching feet. I
110 march 2020

Inspiration
called Doc and made the appointment his head against my chest, seeming to
for Wednesday afternoon, with the ca- say: About time you got here.
veat that I could cancel if Roany’s con- The flashlight batteries were already
dition improved or I lost my nerve. dying, but my eyes were adjusting to
By Tuesday night, Roany was sway- the dark. I started out across the pas-
ing just slightly over his feet. He ate ture with Deseo beside me, heading
his gruel of Equine Senior, bute pow- for one of Roany’s favorite spots—the
der, and oil, but with a little less en- wetland (though dry this year) at the
thusiasm than usual. I went out to back of the property. When I turned
check on him at 8 p.m. and then at at the quarter pole, Deseo whinnied
10. The moon was bright and the coy- again: Not that way, human. By this
otes were singing; there was a tinge in time, Mike was crossing the pasture to
the air that suggested a light morning meet me. Deseo whinnied again, and
frost. Even by moonlight I could see we followed him to another favorite
that Roany was holding his body like spot—a shady stand of blue spruce at
he didn’t feel right inside of it. the base of the hill where the ranch’s
original homesteaders are buried. It
“IF YOU WANT TO PUT was the first time since last summer
that Roany had been out that far.
ROANY DOWN,” MIKE
He was still standing when I got
SAID, “I COULD TAKE there. But the minute he saw me, he
WEDNESDAY OFF.” went to the ground with relief. He
curled up like a fawn, and I could hear
that his breathing wasn’t right. Mike
I woke at 4:30 with the kind of start and I sat beside him and petted his
that always means something has handsome neck.
happened. The moon had set by then, Above us, stragglers from the Per-
so I grabbed a flashlight and rushed seid meteor shower, which had peaked
to the corral, but Roany wasn’t there, over the weekend, streaked the black-
nor on his golf course, nor in the yard. ness. Pegasus, the biggest horse of
I called his name and heard hoof- all, galloped across the sky, carrying
beats coming hard across the pasture. Princess Andromeda away from her
I allowed myself to indulge the fantasy mother, Queen Cassiopeia, with her
that after all these weeks of suffering future husband, Perseus, alongside.
he was miraculously cured. Then I Eventually, a lighter blue tinted the
heard Deseo’s high whinny. My hot- eastern horizon. Deseo stood nearby,
blooded alarmist, my early-warning head lowered. We listened to Roany’s
system, my tsunami siren. Deseo skid- breathing and the coming of dawn.
ded to a stop in front of me and butted In the distance, the hoot of a great
rd.com 111
Reader ’s Digest
The author and Mike on their wedding day, with the excitable Deseo (right) and a
donkey named Isaac serving as the four-legged members of the wedding party
horned owl, the sheep stirring in their for, but on that day she became my ad-
pen clear across the pasture; even far- viser and advocate in horse eldercare
ther away, tires crossing a cattle guard. and pain relief. She also promised that,
In the gathering light, Roany when the time came, she would send
stretched out his long legs and put her husband out on his track hoe to dig
his head in my lap. I thanked him for the hole, never mind that they lived off
taking good care of the ranch animals, the grid more than 20 miles away.
including the humans, including me. It was finally daylight, but the sun
I told him I’d be OK, that we’d all be hadn’t risen. Mike and I were shiver-
OK, and he could go whenever he ing hard, so he slid into my place to
needed to, but he went on taking one hold Roany’s head and I ran to get
slow breath after another. sleeping bags. I called Debbie to say
I thought we were close and Doc to
O
n one of Roany’s first bad days, say I thought we might not need him.
a bank teller in town, a compas- When I got back across the pasture,
sionate horsewoman named Roany’s head was still in Mike’s lap,
kyle wolff
Debbie Lagan, had quite innocently but now he was struggling for breath.
asked me how I was. My answer was “Touch him,” Mike said. I knelt and
no doubt more than she’d bargained put my hand on his big red neck, and
112 march 2020

Inspiration
he took one breath and then another well, and Billy Joe hardly at all, but as
and then the last breath he would take much as anything else this is a story
forever. about them and about the way people
“I was helping him go,” Mike said. “I in my town care for one another.
was with him in that place, you know?” When I tried to pay Billy Joe for his
I nodded. I did know. I had been in time, or even for gas, he shook his head
that place with several dogs and more and said, “An old cowboy doesn’t take
than one human. Mike said, “I think he money to bury an old horse.” He buried
was waiting until you got back.” Roany respectfully and efficiently, the
A moment later, the first rays of cowboy way, with his tail to the wind.
sun came over the hill, turning the If there is such a thing in the world
sky electric. I crossed the pasture one as a good death, Roany had one. It was
more time to get Roany’s brushes to almost as if he had heard Mike’s offer,
groom him up for burial. I grabbed looked at his watch, and said, All right
a flake of hay for Deseo so that if he then, Wednesday, and how about in
wanted an excuse to stay near his old that stand of spruce on the other
friend for a while, he would have one. side of the hill? What I’ve always said
about Roany is that he was a horse
“AN OLD COWBOY who never wanted to cause anybody
trouble. He remained that horse till
DOESN’T TAKE the last second of his life and beyond.
MONEY TO BURY Late that night, I watched the
AN OLD HORSE.” Perseids burn past my window and
imagined my old Roany up there,
muscles restored to their prime and
Debbie’s husband, Billy Joe Dilley, shining, burgundy coat alongside the
had a dozen things to do that morn- white of Pegasus, both of them with
ing, but he arrived at the ranch before their heads held high, and galloping. RD
the first vulture (or even fly) made its
outside (may 2019), copyright © 2019 by pam
appearance. I don’t know Debbie very houston, outsideonline.com.
Better Later Than Never

Actor Carol Channing married her fourth husband, Harry Kullijian,
when she was 82, but she’d known him for 70 years by then. They had been
sweethearts at San Francisco’s Aptos Junior High School. “Most women don’t
ever forget their first love,” she said, “and apparently men don’t either.”
rd.com 113
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At 7:30 the next morning, he heads
THE out for an hour-long run with his
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basketball, and an hour of swimming.
But Caruana is, in fact, an American
grandmaster in chess, the number
two player in the world. His training
TRAIN
partner, Chirila? A Romanian grand-
master. And they’re doing it all to pre-
LIKE A
pare for the physical demands of ...
chess? Yes, chess.
MASTER
It seems absurd. How could two
humans—seated for hours, exerting
themselves in no greater manner than
intermittently extending their arms a
To stay on top of their
foot at a time—face physical demands?
mental game, the world’s best Still, the evidence overwhelms.
chess players do serious The 1984 World Chess Champion-
ship was called off after five months
workouts—physical ones and 48 games because defending
champion Anatoly Karpov had lost
22 pounds. “He looked like death,”
By Aishwarya Kumar grandmaster and commentator Mau-
from espn.com rice Ashley recalls.
O
In 2004, winner Rustam Kasim-
N a blustery day in early dzhanov lost 17 pounds during the
March, Fabiano Caruana six-game world championships.
shutterstock (4)
decides to get away. He In October 2018, Polar, a U.S.-based

drives three hours west company that tracks heart rates,
from his St. Louis apart- monitored chess players during a
ment to a 2,000-acre compound in tournament and found that 21-year-
rural Missouri owned by a friend. old Russian grandmaster Mikhail
116 march 2020 | rd.com illustration by Klawe Rzeczy

Reader ’s Digest
Reader ’s Digest
Antipov had burned 560 calories muscle mass before tournaments.

in two hours—roughly what Roger But not one of these grandmasters
Federer burns in an hour of tennis. has perfected his fitness routine the
Grandmasters in competition are way the current world champion,
subjected to a constant torrent of Magnus Carlsen, has.
stress. That causes their heart and
breathing rates to increase, which IN 2017, CARLSEN realized he had a
forces their bodies to produce energy. problem. The reigning world number
Meanwhile, players eat less during one for four years felt his grasp on the
tournaments, simply because they title loosening. He was still winning
don’t have the time or the appetite. most tournaments, but his matches
Stress also leads to altered—and
disturbed—sleep patterns, which in HOW COULD TWO
turn cause more fatigue and can lead
to more weight loss. A brain operat-
HUMANS, SEATED FOR
ing on less sleep, even just one hour, HOURS, FACE SUCH
Kasimdzhanov notes, requires more PHYSICAL DEMANDS?
energy to stay awake during the chess
game.
It all combines to produce an aver-
age weight loss of 2 pounds a day, or
about 10 to 12 pounds over the course were lasting longer, the victories less
of a ten-day tournament. assured. He was waning in the final
To combat the stress, today’s players hour of games. He noticed younger
have begun to incorporate strict food players catching up to him.
and fitness regimens to increase oxy- So Carlsen visited the Olympic
gen supply to the brain during tourna- training center in Oslo, Norway, with
ments, prevent sugar-related crashes, his father, seeking advice from perfor-
and sustain their energy. “Physical fit- mance specialists. Their suggestion
ness and brain performance are tied was deceptively simple: “Cut back
together,” Ashley says. on the orange juice you drink during
According to Ashley, India’s first tournaments.”
grandmaster, Viswanathan Anand, Carlsen had relied on a mix of half
vipman/shutterstock
does two hours of cardio each night orange juice, half water for an energy
to tire himself out so he doesn’t boost since he was a child. But now,
dream about chess. Kasimdzhanov in his late 20s, his body was no longer
plays tennis and basketball every breaking down the sugar as quickly,
day. Chirila does at least an hour of leading to sugar crashes. The nutri-
cardio and an hour of weights to build tionists suggested that he instead
118 march 2020

The Genius Section
drink a mixture of chocolate milk and natural curve, keeps his feet firmly
plain milk, which contains less sugar on the ground, and leans forward at
but would also supplement his body about a 75-degree angle. In this posi-
with calcium, potassium, and protein. tion, he’s not too far forward to limit
“It kept his blood sugar at a reason- his oxygen and not so far back as to
able level without too big a variation, require extra energy.
and he felt less tired during key mo- Carlsen has also reduced his sched-
ments in tournaments,” his father says. ule to six to eight tournaments a year
But that was merely the beginning (as opposed to the 12 to 14 of most
of Carlsen’s makeover. Since then, he elite players), taking months off to
has trained his body for chess. Before recuperate after each one.
the world championship last year, he
went skiing every day and tweeted BACK IN MISSOURI, Caruana and
that it strengthened his legs and his Chirila hole up in the dining room for
willpower. He hired a personal chef six hours of chess. Afterward, Caruana
who travels with him to ensure he’s looks exhausted, his glasses askew.
eating the right combination of pro- Still, he grabs a handful of nuts and
teins, carbs, and calcium. heads out for a final hour of tennis
During tournaments, Carlsen fo- before dinner.
cuses on relaxing and conserving en- After dinner, he passes on the choc-
ergy. He chews gum during games to olate pudding pie. “No dessert for me
increase brain function without losing today,” he says.
energy; he taps his legs rhythmically Last year, Caruana gave up alco-
to keep his brain and body alert. hol before the world championship.
He has even managed to optimize ... This time, he has chosen sugar. It’s a
sitting. That’s right. Carlsen claims habit he picked up from Carlsen, who
that many chess players crane their is showing signs, at long last, of be-
heads too far forward, which can lead ing mortal. After a run of eight con-
to a 30 percent loss of lung capacity. secutive tournament victories, the
And, according to Keith Overland, Norwegian dropped ten games at a
DC, a chiropractor who has worked competition in August.
with the U.S. Olympic Training Cen- It’s the opening Caruana has been
ter, tilting your head 60 degrees for- waiting for. In his mind, Caruana
ward increases stress on the neck by knows what he has to do; he just
nearly 60 pounds, ultimately resulting needs his body to hold up.
in headaches, irregular breathing, and “Sometimes you have to shock your
reduced oxygen to the brain. body into listening to you,” he says. RD
Instead, Carlsen rests his lower © 2019 by espn. abridged version reprinted
back against the chair so it retains a courtesy espn.com.
rd.com 119
Reader ’s Digest
BRAIN GAMES
Quick Crossword
easy To whom it may concern: March 4 is National Grammar Day!
To celebrate, place these elements of language in the grid.
ADVERB
1
PARTICIPLE
VERB 2
CLAUSE
ADJECTIVE 3 4
SUBJECT
PRONOUN 5
GERUND
PREDICATE 6 7
NOUN
8 9
Crossfit
medium Supply the missing numbers.
2 5 6 ?
5 3 4 7 2 5 8 2 7 9 6 ?
marcel danesi (crossfit)
1 3 5 1
120 march 2020

Time for a Tune
easy Musical notation divides time into equal sections known as measures.
The legend below shows what fraction of a measure each type of note takes up
when you’re playing in 4/4 time. How many measures will have elapsed once
you finish playing the sequence of notes above in 4/4 time?
Legend:
= 1/8 of a measure = 1/4 of a measure = 1/2 of a measure
= 1/4 of a measure = 3/8 of a measure = 3/4 of a measure
Kangaroo Words Math with Matches

medium Kangaroo words difficult Change the position of two matchsticks
contain the letters—in in order to create a correct equation.
order—of another word
that means almost
the same thing as the
original word. For
example, the r, e, s, and t
from respite form rest.
Find the kangaroo words
in the terms below.
DECEASED
INSTRUCTOR
sue dohrin (time for a tune)
RAMBUNCTIOUS
SPLOTCH For more Brain Games, go
PERAMBULATE to rd.com/crosswords.
For answers, turn to page 126.
rd.com 121
The Genius Section Reader ’s Digest
9. braggadocio n.
WORD POWER (brag-uh-'doh-see-oh)
a arrogant boaster.
b womanizer.
c conquering hero.
In search of a kind word—or perhaps the
10. urbane adj.
perfect put-down? Before you start doling (er-'bayn)
out compliments or throwing stones, a playful.
take this quiz to brush up on words of b sophisticated.
c childish.
esteem and contempt. We won’t be offended
11. skinflint n.
if you check the next page for answers. ('skin-flint)
a skilled artisan.
By Emily Cox and Henry Rathvon b cheapskate.
c fraud.
1. Adonis n. 5. churl n. 12. kibitzer n.
(uh-'dah-niss) (cherl) ('kih-bit-ser)
a handsome man. a ill-bred person. a misfit.
b star player. b friend to many. b meddler.
c evil witch. c lazybones. c nitpicker.
2. popinjay n. 6. magnanimous adj. 13. smarmy adj.
('pah-pun-jay) (mag-'nan-ih-muss) ('smar-mee)
a sneaky thief. a coarse. a insincerely earnest.
b unwelcome visitor. b self-centered. b well dressed.
c vain windbag. c big-hearted. c inadequate.
3. impeccable adj. 7. poltroon n. 14. contumely n.
(im-'peck-uh-bull) (pahl-'troon) (kon-'too-muh-lee)
a flawless. a criminal. a arrogant rudeness.
b unruly. b fool. b ravishing beauty.
c charming. c coward. c scrumptious meal.
4. adroit adj. 8. nonpareil adj. 15. brick n.
(uh-'droyt) (non-puh-'rel) (brik)
a idiotic. a unequaled. a careless person.
b vulgar. b useless. b reliable person.
c masterful. c sweet. c pigheaded person.
To play an interactive version of Word Power on your iPad,

download the Reader’s Digest app.

Reader ’s Digest The Genius Section
$#@%!
A Burn from the Bard
comes when Prince Henry slams Falstaff in Henry IV: “That trunk of
humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of
dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts,
end vice, that grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?”
Word Power 6. magnanimous (c) 12. kibitzer (b) meddler.

ANSWERS big-hearted. The magnan-
imous dentist treated
“Maybe I’m just being a
kibitzer, but I do think
needy patients for free. you should wear your
blue dress instead of the
1. Adonis (a) handsome 7. poltroon (c) coward. red,” Mom said.
man. Arya has fallen “You’re all poltroons,
hard for a blue-eyed scared of your own shad- 13. smarmy (a)
Adonis at the gym. ows,” muttered the king. insincerely earnest.
The heiress was wooed
2. popinjay (c) vain 8. nonpareil (a) by smarmy suitors
windbag. Please don’t unequaled. Luca’s baking interested only in her
seat me next to that skills are nonpareil—his money.
popinjay; he’ll talk my cakes are almost too
ear off. beautiful to eat. 14. contumely (a)
arrogant rudeness.
3. impeccable (a) 9. braggadocio (a) I don’t know how much
flawless. After an impec- arrogant boaster. Kate’s more of your contumely
cable performance on boyfriend is a loud- I can take.
the balance beam, Jada mouthed braggadocio
received a perfect score. who loves talking about 15. brick (b) reliable
his fancy car. person. My best friend
4. adroit (c) masterful.
has been an absolute
Harry Houdini was an 10. urbane (b) brick during my illness.
adroit escape artist, sophisticated. Witty and
alexblacksea/shutterstock
freeing himself urbane, Pablo speaks

from handcuffs and three languages and has
straitjackets. traveled the world.
5. churl (a) ill-bred 11. skinflint (b) Vocabulary Ratings

person. Remove your cheapskate. Does 9 & below: middling
elbows from the table, reusing coffee filters 10–12: accomplished
you churl! make me a skinflint? 13–15: transcendent

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BRAIN GAMES make

us !
ANSWERS l ugh
a
See page 120.
Quick Crossword
across down
1. pronoun 1. predicate
3. gerund 2. noun
6. verb 4. subject
7. adjective 5. adverb
8. participle
9. clause
Crossfit
3 and 7. 3
In each grid, 9 6 7
add the top
number to the
1
one in the center to get
the number on the left.
Then add the center num-
ber to the one on the bot-
tom to get the number on Caption Contest
the right. What’s your clever description for this
Time for a Tune picture? Submit your funniest line at
4 measures, as shown RD.COM/CAPTIONCONTEST. Winners will
by the dividing bars appear in a future Photo Finish (PAGE 128).
Reader’s Digest (ISSN 0034-0375) (USPS 865-820), (CPM Agreement# 40031457), Vol. 195,
No. 1158, March 2020. © 2020. Published monthly, except bimonthly in July/August and
December/January (subject to change without notice), by Trusted Media Brands, Inc., 44 South
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126 march 2020

Bruce Kelley
Editor-in-Chief | Chief Content Officer
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rd.com 127
PHOTO FINISH
Your Funniest captions
Winner
Never ask your husband to take your bandannas to the Laundromat.
—Doug Hughes San Jose, California
Runners-Up
The infamous deleted Laundromat scene from Planet of the Apes.
—Keith Scheidies Kearney, Nebraska
maggie dimarco
Fresh Fruit of the Loom.

—Samantha Willow Portland, Oregon
To enter an upcoming caption contest, see the photo on page 126.

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What is the article 'The Most Daring Parachute Rescue EVER' about?

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