Gottman Level 1 Training Manual

Copyright © 2000–2016 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.
Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

PROPER USE OF THESE MATERIALS
Please note that copyright and other laws protect these materials. Participants in Gottman
Method Therapy training workshops have our permission to reproduce materials as necessary
for use with their clients in couples therapy and for no other use. If a therapist wishes to place
Gottman Method Assessments on their personal web site, they may do so only on their own
private website for use with their own clients, and may do so only if passcode access is required
of their clients, so that public access is prohibited. They do not have our permission to use these
methods or materials in any form to offer workshops either for couples or for other therapists or
to make these materials available to the public. This permission is reserved as the sole province
of The Gottman Institute, Inc., and may be revoked at any time. Any misuse of these materials
may be the subject of legal action.
COPYRIGHT AND TRADEMARK NOTICE
Copyright © 2000–2016 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. All
rights reserved. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc. This manual may
not be used, modified, rented, leased, loaned, sublicensed, distributed, re-distributed, or
reproduced in any manner whatsoever, in whole or in part, without the written permission
of The Gottman Institute.
The “Gottman Method” is a trademark owned by The Gottman Institute, Inc. Any pro-
motion of this trademark or the Gottman name without the express written permission of
the Institute may be subject to legal action.
“The Gottman Institute,” “Gottman Therapist,” “Gottman Trained Therapist,” “Certified
Gottman Therapist,” “Couples Therapy: A Research-Based Approach,” “The Gottman
Relationship Center,” “The Art & Science of Love,” “The Sound Relationship House,”
and our logo are trademarks of The Gottman Institute and may not be used in any man-
ner without the prior written consent of The Gottman Institute.
A Certified Gottman TherapistTM
A Certified Gottman Therapist is an individual who has completed the certification program
offered by The Gottman Institute. This program includes completion of the following steps of
training:
GOTTMAN METHOD COUPLES THERAPY:
1. Level 1—Bridging the Couple Chasm—

A two-day professional workshop led by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz
Gottman or by a Certified Gottman Trainer, either in person or on DVD/videotape
2. Level 2—Assessment and Intervention and Co-Morbidities—
A three-day training led by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman or
a Certified Gottman Trainer, either in person or on DVD/videotape
3. Level 3—Practicum Training—
A three-day workshop led by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman or by
a Certified Gottman Trainer
4. Certification Track—
• Consultation
At least eight individual sessions or 12 group sessions of consultation with a Senior
Certified Gottman Therapist Consultant
• Tape Review
Submission and passing of required DVD/videotapes for review by a Senior Cer-
tified Gottman Therapist Tape Reviewer.
Please note: Any therapist or health professional that has not completed ALL of the
above requirements may not refer to him- or herself as a “Certified Gottman Therapist,”
“Gottman Therapist,” “Gottman Trained Therapist,” “Gottman Method Therapist,”
“Level 1, 2, or 3 Gottman Therapist” or any name of similar title. Use of these terms are
reserved ONLY for use by Certified Gottman Therapists, as they have demonstrated
their competency in these methods. Certified Gottman Therapists must comply with our
guidelines for continued use of this certification mark.
For more information on becoming a Certified Gottman Therapist,

please contact us at 888-523-9042, ext. 2 or email training@gottman.com
TERMINOLOGY
Therapists that have completed The Gottman Institute’s Levels 1, 2, or 3 training in
Gottman Method Couples Therapy may use the following description(s) to represent
themselves.
COMPLETED LEVEL 1 TRAINING IN GOTTMAN METHOD COUPLES

THERAPY:
a. Therapists may state that they have completed Level 1 Training in Gottman
Method Couples Therapy, and that they use Gottman Method Couples Therapy
in their work.
b. Therapists may NOT refer to themselves as a “Level 1 Gottman Therapist,”
“Gottman Therapist,” “Gottman Trained Therapist,” “Gottman Method Thera-
pist,” “Certified Gottman Therapist,” or refer to themselves with a name of
similar title.
COMPLETED LEVEL 2 TRAINING IN GOTTMAN METHOD COUPLES

THERAPY:
a. Therapists may state that they have completed Level 2 Training in Gottman
Method Couples Therapy, and that they use Gottman Method Couples Therapy
in their therapy work.
pist,” “Certified Gottman Therapist,” or refer to themselves with a name of
similar title.
COMPLETED LEVEL 3 PRACTICUM TRAINING:
Completed Level 3—Practicum Training in Gottman Method Couples

Therapy:
a. Therapists may state that they have completed the Level 3 Practicum Train-
ing in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and that they use Gottman Method
Couples Therapy in their therapy work.
“Certified Gottman Therapist,” “Gottman Therapist,” “Gottman Trained
Therapist,” “Gottman Method Therapist,” or refer to themselves with a name of
similar title.
CERTIFICATION TRACK:
Participated in Certification Consultation Training in Gottman Method Couples

Therapy:
a. Therapists may state that they have participated in Certification Consultation
Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and that they use Gottman
Method Couples Therapy in their therapy work.
b. Therapists may NOT refer to themselves as having “completed Consultation
Training,” or as a “Level 3 Gottman Therapist,” “Certified Gottman Therapist,”
pist,” or refer to themselves with a name of similar title.
Completed Certification Consultation and Video Review in Gottman Method

Couples Therapy:
a. Therapists may state that they have completed Certification Training in Gott-
man Method Couples Therapy, and that they use Gottman Method Couples
Therapy in their therapy work.
b. Therapists MAY refer to themselves as a “Certified Gottman Therapist,” “Gott-
man Therapist,” “Gottman Trained Therapist,” “Gottman Method Therapist,”
or refer to themselves with a name of similar title once they have completed the
post-Level 3 consultation process and have passed all required video segments
for Certification Video Review and have received a certificate designating them
as a Certified Gottman Therapist. The preferred recognized title by The Gott-
man Institute is, “Certified Gottman Therapist.”
i
Created by
Drs. John and Julie Gottman
ii
About Drs. John and Julie Gottman
John Gottman, Ph.D., is world renowned for his work on relationship stability and
divorce prediction, involving the study of emotions, physiology, and communication. He
was recently voted as one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-
century by the PsychoTherapy Networker publication. His 35 years of breakthrough
research on marriage, relationships and parenting has earned him numerous major
awards. He is the author of 190 published academic articles and author or co-author of
40 books. Dr. Gottman is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute where he currently
teaches weekend workshops for couples and training workshops for clinicians. He is the
Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute, where programs have been de-
veloped for parents transitioning to parenthood and are beginning a new research project
on treatment for Domestic Violence.
Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., is a highly respected Clinical Psychologist and educator
who was recently honored as the Washington State Psychologist of the Year. She is the
cofounder and Clinical Director of The Gottman Institute where she co-teaches week-
end workshops for couples and Advanced Training Workshops for therapists. Dr. Julie
Gottman is also the designer and Clinical Director for Loving Couples Loving Children,
a curriculum for couples challenged by poverty, and co-designer of a therapeutic model
for addressing domestic violence. In addition, she has authored or co-authored five books
and has been a frequent guest on radio and TV talk shows. Dr. Julie Gottman is in private
practice in Seattle, providing weekly therapy sessions to individuals and weekly or inten-
sive marathon therapy sessions for couples. Julie specializes in working with distressed
couples, abuse and trauma survivors, those with substance abuse problems and their part-
ners, as well as cancer patients and their families.
Together, the Gottmans teach Couples Workshops and the Professional Training
Programs at The Gottman Institute. They are also involved in ongoing relationship re-
search studies, and have private practices on Orcas Island (near Seattle), in which they
see couples for weekly and intensive marathon therapy sessions and conduct small group
couples retreats.
iii
Welcome to
Gottman Method Couples Therapy

Level 1 - Bridging the Couple Chasm
I n this seminar you will learn what our research shows about relationships and how you can apply
these findings in assessment and intervention for couples. As a result of your attendance at this
workshop, you will be able to:
• Understand how to think about what makes relationships work well and what makes them fail
using our Sound Relationship House Theory;
• Use the theory to accurately identify the specific problems and strengths in the dynamics of a
couple’s relationship with the assessment tools provided;
• Determine the most beneficial points in the couples’ interaction where intervention will be most
effective; and,
• Begin to apply this new, research-based couple therapy to the broad spectrum of problems you
encounter in your daily practice
At the end of this workshop you will be able to:
1. Summarize the research that allows us to predict future relationship stability.

2. Describe the seven levels of the Sound Relationship House theory.
3. C
onduct a couple’s therapy assessment using elements of the couple’s narrative, the Oral
History Interview, written questionnaires, observations of conflict and individual interviews.
4. Describe two interventions to help strength a couple’s conflict management.
5. Describe two interventions to enhance a couple’s friendship system.
6. Describe two interventions to explore a couple’s system of shared meaning.
7. Explain why physiological self-soothing is essential for a healthy relationship.
8. C
reate a therapeutic contract with a couple, discuss and decide on goals and include a summary
of the couples strengths and areas that need improvement.
9. Describe the Philosophy of Therapy including assumptions, overview of techniques, and goals
of therapy
10. Describe the Rapoport Intervention and when to use it.
11. Describe the process of therapy, including the structure of a session.
Today, with heterosexual USA divorce rates approaching 67%, with same-sex couples working to have
long-lasting, committed relationships, and the problem of relapse in all couple therapies, clinicians and
couples are facing severe challenges. We think that clinicians need very specific tools to help people
build a basis for a lasting relationship, as well as knowledge to determine when a relationship is over.
A scientifically sound therapy can help to do both. This course was developed to provide you with a
practical therapy that you can begin to use immediately as part of your practice.
We appreciate your taking time to join us.

Cordially,
John & Julie Gottman
iv
Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Level 1 — Bridging the Couple Chasm
WORKSHOP SCHEDULE
DAY ONE
19:00 – 10:30 am The Research: What Makes Relationships Succeed or Fail?
l What is different about Gottman Method Couples Therapy?
l What is dysfunctional about relationships when they are
ailing?
l The “Masters” and the “Disasters” of relationships: Exploding
some common myths
l Negative and positive sentiment overrides
l Friendship, Intimacy, Positive Affect Systems
l The Shared Meaning System
l From a checklist to The Sound Relationship House Theory
10:30 – 10:45 am Break

10:45 – 12:00 pm How to assess a relationship:
Using The Sound Relationship House Theory to assess a
relationship’s strengths and areas that need improvement.
12:00 – 11:25 pm Lunch

11:30 – 13:00 pm The Assessment Sessions:
l Session 1—Office Disclosure and Office Policy Reviewed,
How Therapy Works, Assessing the Couple Together:
l Couple’s Narrative
l Oral History Interview: Relationship History and
Philosophy
l Videotape: A 10-minute Conflict Interaction and
Physiology (pulse oximeter)
l Discuss the Shared Meaning System
l Ending Session 1—Preparing Couple for Individual
Sessions—No secrets
l Assessment: Written Questionnaires
l Session 2—Individual Sessions
l Session 3—The Therapeutic Contract: Discussing and

Deciding about Goals. Summary of Strengths and Areas that
Need Improvement.
13:00 – 13:15 pm Break
13:20 – 44:00 pm Film: Assessment
14:00 – 15:00 pm Question & Answer
vi
1DAY TWO
19:00 – 19:45 am Introduction to Intervention—The Philosophy of the Therapy
l Assumptions of the Therapy
l Overview of the Therapy
l Goals of the Therapy
19:45 – 10:10 am Conflict Management

l Rapoport Intervention and film
10:10 – 10:30 am Break
10:30 – 11:50 pm Conflict Management, continued

l Ending the Four Horsemen and Dealing with Flooding film
l Dreams-Within-Conflict and film
l Building the Basic Skills (Softened Startup, Accepting
Influence, Repair and De-escalation, Physiological Soothing,
Compromise)
l Aftermath of a Fight and film
11:50 – 12:00 pm Questions and Answer Session
12:00 – 11:25 pm Lunch
11:30 – 13:15 pm Building Friendship and Shared Meaning

l Build Love Maps and film
l Turn Towards: The Stress-Reducing Conversation and film
l Build Rituals of Connection and film
l Creating Shared Meaning and film
13:15 – 13:30 pm Break
3:30 – 13:55 pm Process of the Therapy
13:55 – 14:05 pm Summary
14:05 – 14:15 pm What’s Next: Additional Training
4:15 – 15:00 pm Question and Answer Session
vii
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Outline and Schedule...................................................................................... v
1. Research and Theory........................................................................... 1-1

1.1. What Is New In This Workshop: The Need For Theory...............................1-1
1.1.1. What is Different About Gottman Method Couples Therapy?.....1-7
1.1.2. What is Our Focus?..........................................................................1-8
1.2. Our Research Methods—The Levenson-Gottman Paradigm and
Creating a Couple Social Psychology Laboratory ....................................1-10
1.3. What Is “Dysfunctional” and “Functional” In Relationships?....................1-17
1.3.1. Myths About What Is “Dysfunctional” When a Relationship
Is Ailing .......................................................................................1-17
1.3.2. Truths About What Is “Dysfunctional” When a Relationship Is
Ailing?..........................................................................................1-21
1.3.3. What Is “Functional” When a Relationship Is Going Well?.........1-25
1.4. Summary Checklists...................................................................................1-29
1.5 The Sound Relationship House Theory.....................................................1-33
1.5.1. The Nine Components of The Sound Relationship House
Theory .........................................................................................1-33
1.6. More About...............................................................................................1-38
1.6.1. More About Emotional Disengagement in Relationships...........1-38
1.6.2. More About Anger: When is an Unpleasant Couple Pattern a
Symptom?....................................................................................1-40
1.6.3. More About Men Accepting Influence From Their Wives ..........1-41
1.6.4. More About Dialogue With Perpetual Problems.........................1-42
1.6.5. More About Bringing Relationship Into the Social Psychology
Laboratory: Proximal Change Experiments.................................1-46
2. Assessment: Overview ....................................................................... 2-1

2.1. Introduction ................................................................................................2-1
2.2. The Couple’s Experience Coming into the Assessment Phase...................2-2
2.3. Three Sessions ............................................................................................2-3
2.4. When Is Couple Therapy Contra-Indicated or
In Need of Supplementation? ....................................................................2-4
2.5. What Is The Nature of the Couple’s Friendship? .......................................2-5
2.6. What Kind of Sentiment Override Is There?...............................................2-7
2.7. What Is The Nature of Conflict and Its Regulation?....................................2-9
2.8. In What Ways Are They Able to Honor One Another’s Life Dreams
and Create Shared Meaning?....................................................................2-11
2.9. Assessing Selected Potential Resistances.................................................2-13
2.10. Assessing Chaos........................................................................................2-14
viii
3. Assessment: Session 1......................................................................... 3-1

3.1. Summary .....................................................................................................3-1
3.1.1. An Overview of Gottman Method Couples Therapy That
May Be Included in Your Therapist Disclosure Form.....................3-2
3.2. The Couple’s Narrative................................................................................3-8
3.3. The Oral History Interview...........................................................................3-9
3.3.1. Major Dimensions Tapped by the Oral History Interview..............3-9
3.3.2. How to Do An Oral History Interview............................................3-9
3.3.3. Buehlman Dimensions to Look at in the Oral History Interview..3-10
3.3.4. The Oral History Questions—The History and Philosophy
of the Relationship.......................................................................3-13
3.4. The First Assessment Session—Sampling Couple Conflict Interaction ....3-15
3.4.1. Critical Behaviors to Observe During the Conflict Resolution
Discussion: Therapist Checklist....................................................3-15
3.4.2. Use of Videotape.........................................................................3-17
3.4.3. Assessing Physiology...................................................................3-17
3.4.4. Other Interactions the Therapist Can Sample to Assess More
About the Strengths in the Relationship ....................................3-20
Oral History Interview Summary Sheet..................................................3-23
4. Assessment: Written Questionnaires

4.1. Gottman Core Assessment Questionnaires................................................4-1
• Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test.......................................4-3
• Weiss-Cerretto Relationship Status Inventory......................................4-5
• The Sound Relationship House Questionnaires (5 item scale).............4-7
• Love Maps.................................................................................4-7
• Fondness and Admiration System............................................4-7
• Turning Towards or Away..........................................................4-7
• Negative Sentiment Override...................................................4-8
• Harsh Startup............................................................................4-8
• Accepting Influence..................................................................4-8
• Repair Attempts........................................................................4-9
• Compromise..............................................................................4-9
• Gridlock on Perpetual Issues....................................................4-9
• The Four Horsemen................................................................4-10
• Flooding..................................................................................4-10
• Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness............................4-10
• Quality of Sex, Romance, and Passion in the Relationship.....4-11
ix
• Shared Meanings Questionnaire.............................................4-13

• Your Rituals.....................................................................4-13
• Your Roles.......................................................................4-13
• Your Goals......................................................................4-13
• Your Symbols..................................................................4-13
• Trust........................................................................................4-14
• Commitment...........................................................................4-15
• The Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and
Perpetual Problems............................................................................4-17
• The Three “Detour” Scales.................................................................4-27
• Chaos......................................................................................4-27
• Meta-Emotions (Your Own Feelings About Emotions)...........4-28
• My Family History...................................................................4-30
• Gottman Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ)...............................4-33
• Control, Fear, Suicide Potential, and Acts of Physical Aggression
Questionnaires....................................................................................4-35
• Control....................................................................................4-35
• Fear.........................................................................................4-35
• Suicide Potential.....................................................................4-35
• Acts of Physical Aggression....................................................4-36
• SCL-90................................................................................................4-37
• The CAGE Questionnaire Adapted to Include Drugs (CAGE-AID)....4-41
• Brief Michigan Alcohol Screening Test (b-MAST)...............................4-41
4.2. The Gottman Relationship Checkup.........................................................4-43
4.3. Core Assessment Scoring and Interpretation...........................................4-45
• Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test
Scoring & Interpretation.....................................................................4-47
• Weiss-Cerretto Relationship Status Inventory
• Sound Relationship House Assessment 5-Item Scale:
• Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual
Problems in Your Relationship - Scoring & Interpretation..................4-51
• The Three “Detour” Scales Scoring & Interpretation.........................4-53
• Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ) Scoring & Interpretation......4-54
• Control, Fear, Suicide Potential and Acts of Physical Aggression
Questionnaires - Scoring....................................................................4-55
• SCL-90 Scoring & Interpretation Instructions.....................................4-56
• The CAGE Questionnaire Adapted to Include Drugs (CAGE-AID)
• Brief Michigan Alcohol Screening Test (b-MAST) Scoring &
Interpretation Instructions..................................................................4-58
x
4.4. Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary Sheet and

Interpretation Guidelines..........................................................................4-59
4.5. Review of The Sound Relationship House.................................................4-63
4.5.1. Reliability and Validity of the Gottman Sound Relationship
House Scales By John Gottman, Ph.D.........................................4-67
References...................................................................................4-90
5. Assessment: Sessions 2 and 3............................................................. 5-1

5.1. Session 2: Two Individual Sessions 45 minutes each...................................5-1
5.2. Session 3: The Feedback Session - One Conjoint Session 1½ hours..........5-3
5.2.1. The Importance of the Therapeutic Alliance with Both Spouses..5-4
5.2.2. Clinician’s Checklist for Couple Assessment.................................5-4
5.2.3. Gottman Treatment Plan.............................................................5-10
6. Intervention......................................................................................... 6-a
Current Status of Treating Couples’ Issues.......................................... 6-a
6.1. Philosophy of the Therapy: Assumptions....................................................6-1
6.2. Overview of the Therapy ..........................................................................6-27
6.3. Goals of the Therapy ................................................................................6-28
6.3.1. Modify Conflict ...........................................................................6-28
6.3.2. Enhance Friendship ....................................................................6-30
6.3.3. Create Shared Meaning...............................................................6-30
6.4. Modify Conflict Details ............................................................................6-31
6.4.1. Conflict—Goal #1: Understand Partner’s Point of View. ............6-31
Gottman Conflict Blueprint........................................................6-39
Gottman-Rapoport Intervention..............................................6-40a
The Art of Compromise............................................................6-40c
6.4.2. Conflict—Goal #2: Eliminate the Four Horsemen and Replace
Them With Their Antidotes.........................................................6-41
Stop the Four Horsemen with their Antidotes.........................6-42
6.4.3. Conflict—Goal #3: Move from Gridlock to Dialogue on a
Perpetual Issue. Help the Partner Understand the Underlying
Dreams.........................................................................................6-46
Dreams Within Conflict..............................................................6-49
6.4.4. Conflict—Goal #4: Develop Six Skills..........................................6-51
Gottman Repair Checklist........................................................6-52a
Guided Relaxation Exercise.......................................................6-53
6.4.5. Conflict—Goal #5: Process Fights and Regrettable Incidents.....6-55
Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident..........................6-58
6.5. Enhance Friendship/Intimacy....................................................................6-63
6.5.1. Friendship—Goal #1: Build Love Maps.......................................6-63
Gottman Love Map Exercise......................................................6-64
xi
6.5.2. Friendship—Goal #2: Turn Towards—The Stress-Reducing

Conversation................................................................................6-67
The Stress-Reducing Conversation............................................6-71
6.6. Create Shared Meaning.............................................................................6-73
6.6.1. Shared Meaning—Goal #1: Build Rituals of Connection.............6-73
6.6.1.1. Five Essential Rituals of Connection............................6-73a
6.6.1.2. Examples of Rituals of Connection................................6-74
6.6.2. Shared Meaning—Goal #2: Create Shared Purpose in the Couple
Building a Life Together...............................................................6-77
6.7. Process.......................................................................................................6-78
6.7.1. Structure of a Typical Session......................................................6-78
6.7.2. What the Therapist Can Say........................................................6-80
6.8. Summary....................................................................................................6-87
7. Additional Training and Services Offered Through
The Gottman Institute......................................................................... 7-1
7.1. Level 2—Assessment, Intervention & Co-Morbidities.................................7-1
7.2. Level 3—Practicum Training.......................................................................7-4
7.3. Gottman Certification Track........................................................................7-5
7.4. The Art & Science of Love Weekend Workshop for Couples.................... 7-6
7.5. Professional Opportunities for Certified Gottman Therapists....................7-7
7.6. The Gottman Referral Network...................................................................7-8
7.7. The Gottman Relationship Checkup www.checkup.gottman.com.............7-9
7.8. What Are Clinicians Saying About Our Training?......................................7-10
8. References........................................................................................... 8-1
9. Couples Therapy: A Research-Based Approach................................... 9-1
xii
1-1
1. Research and Theory

1.1 What Is New In This Workshop:
The Need For Theory
This workshop introduces a new approach to couples’ ther-
apy, one that has arisen from our basic longitudinal research
on relationships, our recent relationship interaction experi-
ments, our couples’ workshops, and our couples’ therapy. We
will present a therapy that builds on previous research work
on couples’ interventions, yet departs dramatically from the
past.
Let us tell you a story. In 1965 George Bach published a
book called The Intimate Enemy which was a new approach
to couples’ therapy. Bach believed that the problem in rela-
tionships was that people needed to air their anger rather
than suppress it. If they expressed their resentments instead
of letting the anger build up, there would be a catharsis that
would clear the air between them. So he had partners take
turns airing their resentments. He even encouraged them
to hit one another with soft foam-rubber bats. He believed
that this process would be like erasing the blackboard; then,
the couple could start anew. We now know that there is
no catharsis effect in voicing anger and that Bach’s proce-
dure only built resentment. [Want to read more? See Carol
Tavris’s book, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion]
Couples’ therapy has come a long way since then, in part
by making a lot of mistakes and using research to discover
that these were, in fact, mistakes. For example, in the 1960s
Lederer and Jackson wrote a book called The Mirages of
Marriage. Everyone was very excited about their book. The
two systems theorists claimed that they knew what went
wrong in relationships and how to make relationships
better. One of their ideas they called the Quid Pro Quo.
It stated that a good relationship is based on reciprocat-
ing positive behaviors and that a bad relationship is caused
by a breakdown of this implicit contract. Their idea led in
the 1970s to the behavioral intervention of contingency
contracting, otherwise known as “give to get.” Therapists
would help each person to identify what behaviors he or she
wanted to get from the other partner. Then the therapist
would help the couple to write a contract for the exchange
Copyright © 2000-2016 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.
1-2
of these desired behaviors.

However, in 1977 Bernard Murstein showed through re-
search that a reciprocity concept, both in relationships and
in friendships, was a hallmark of an ailing relationship, not
a hallmark of a happy one. People became “affective accoun-
tants” when a relationship wasn’t working well. When they
were unhappy they would think, “I did this for her, and she
never reciprocated.” When the relationship was going well,
they didn’t think of this contingency of positivity. Many
other aspects of our thinking about couples has changed in
the last four decades. Here is a partial list:
• We used to think that all a therapist needed to do when

a couple came into the office was to ask the partners to
identify their problems, and then to help resolve them.
The therapist was supposed to be a super problem-
solver. It didn’t matter what issue the therapist and the
couple identified, because the assumption was that all
conflicts were alike. It also made sense to start anywhere
and teach a specific set of relationship skills. For systems
therapists, these skills involved avoiding mind-reading,
establishing clear feedback loops, and being able to
meta-communicate about double binding messages. For
Rogerian and behavior therapists, the skills involved
active listening to one another. Then all conflicts could
be solved.
• We now know that the focus on resolution of conflict
is misguided. Our research revealed that most conflict
(69%) in relationships is perpetual. It has no resolution.
It is based on lasting differences in personalities and
needs. Couples can either dialogue about these per-
petual issues or live in a state of “gridlock,” in a state of
painful impasse. So therapy needs to emphasize helping
couples to manage conflicts like these rather than to
resolve them.
• We also learned from our longitudinal research what
relationship skills were the right ones to build. In happy,
lasting relationships, the approach toward conflict is
gentle. For example, partners soften the way they bring
up an issue; they accept influence from one another;
they have a 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative affect
during conflict regardless of the type of relationship
they have (from volatile to conflict avoiding); they
1-3
consistently communicate acceptance of one another;

they keep their level of physiological arousal low; they
preempt negativity in the interaction; they repair the
interaction and de-escalate if it does become negative;
and they move gently toward compromise. In relation-
ships that are ailing and failing there is either an escala-
tion of negative affect, a lack of positive affect, or a state
of emotional disengagement. [Want to read more? See
John Gottman’s book, What Predicts Divorce?]
• Furthermore, it turned out that not all relationship con-
flict is the same. Some conflicts are real deal-breakers.
They contain a “hidden agenda.” Partners have the same
argument over and over again. Each person’s position
is embedded with deep personal meaning, an existential
foundation, so that compromise seems completely un-
thinkable. For example, partners may be talking about
the budget, but instead they need to be talking about
what money means to each of them, using concepts like
freedom, power, love, and justice. In summary, Victor
Frankl’s Logotherapy needs to be incorporated into our
understanding of arguments.
• At its outset couples’ therapy in the 1970s had a strong
behavioral and cognitive base in which it was assumed
that the therapist was the rational and calm one. In con-
trast, the couple was viewed as emotional and therefore
out of control. People came into the therapist’s office
and yelled and cried. They got emotional. They didn’t
calmly discuss their issues. Following Murray Bowen’s
ideas, the therapist’s job was to help the couple control
their feelings and to become less “enmeshed” and more
“differentiated.” By “differentiated” Bowen meant that
the partners would control their emotions using reason.
In terms of the brain, the therapist was assisting each
partner’s cerebral cortex in gaining dominance over the
primitive limbic system. It was emotion versus reason,
and ideally reason should win. According to this view,
the therapist was supporting the process of evolution.
• We now know that Bowen’s views about the brain and
emotion versus reason are wrong. In the brain there
is an integration of emotion and reason, even in the
cerebral cortex. In fact, without emotion, problems do
not get solved very well. Emotion, prioritizing figure
from ground, and the intuitive “sense of the matter”
are essential in problem-solving. People are not ratio-
1-4
nal decision makers. Furthermore, expressing emotion

does not mean being “out of control.” In fact, emo-
tion is central to the understanding and treatment of
couples’ relationships. Three decades of longitudinal
research conducted by Gottman and Levenson have
revealed that the nature of emotional interaction pre-
dicts what happens to a relationship. Theorizing about
love, security and emotional systems has also tapped
the theoretical work of Charles Darwin, Harry Harlow,
Sylvan Tomkins, Carroll Izard, Jaak Panksepp, Paul Ek-
man, and Wallace Friesen. In addition, measurement of
emotion has become more sophisticated. Over time we
have learned how to study the face, the voice, the body,
and the words. We have developed the Specific Affect
Coding System (SPAFF). And thanks to the pioneering
clinical insights of Susan Johnson in building Emo-
tionally Focused Couple Therapy, Bowlby’s attachment
theory of emotional security has also become important
in couples’ therapy. In short, affect is not the problem;
it is central for understanding, compassion, and change.
Finally, dependency is now legitimate in relationships.
So the couples’ therapist needs to become an expert on
emotion, and on helping couples establish emotional
connection. [Want to read more? Read Susan Johnson’s
books, Creating Connection, and The Practice of Emotion-
ally Focused Couple Therapy, and Becoming an Emotionally
Focused Couple Therapist, and Emotion Focused Therapy
for Trauma Survivors, and Leslie Greenberg & Susan
Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples]
• There has also emerged a growing understanding of
the role of psychophysiology in emotion. Beginning in
1964 with the formation of the Society for Psychophys-
iological Research, the study of emotion and physiology
has added to our understanding of the autonomic and
neurological basis of emotion and how emotion and
thought are integrated in the brain. Building on this
research, John Gottman and Robert Levenson’s studies
have demonstrated the importance of autonomic vari-
ables in predicting the longitudinal course of relation-
ship happiness. It turns out that once people become
autonomically aroused into a state of alarm and defense
which we call “diffuse physiological arousal,” there are
severe limits on their ability to process information, to
listen, to laugh, to be affectionate, to be empathetic, and
1-5
to be creative. Thus, moderating physiological arousal

is an important skill in conflict management. [Want to
read more? See Joseph LeDoux’s book, The Emotional
Brain, Dan Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence,
Dan Siegel’s book, The Developing Mind, and Jaak Pank-
sepp’s book Affective Neuroscience].
• Although down-regulating negative affect and main-
taining calm are important in a relationship, especially
in a discussion of conflict, we have learned that relation-
ships work not just by down-regulating negative affect
during conflict. Building positive affect both during
conflict and in general in the relationship (in everyday
interaction) turns out to be essential to ensure last-
ing change. At first this awareness was implemented
superficially, with “love days” designed by the therapist
to increase positive behavior between people. But love
days didn’t change positive affect during conflict. Even
outside of the conflict context, we have learned that this
increase in positivity needs to be a therapeutic focus
implemented through improving both the couple’s
friendship and their secure attachment to one another.
This can be accomplished through work on turning to-
ward bids for emotional connection, building emotional
intimacy, and building other positive affect systems such
as courtship, romance, lust, sex, play, fun, and adventure.
In other words, we used to assume that if we dealt with
conflict, the positive affect systems would be activated
automatically, like air rushing in to fill a vacuum. Not
so. These positive affect systems must be built and
maintained intentionally, as part of the therapy. [Want
to read more? See Gottman & DeClaire’s book, The
Relationship Cure.]
• There is a growing awareness that good friendship, posi-
tive affect systems, and constructive conflict need to be
supplemented by building the couple’s shared meaning
system. Couples need to identify and communicate
their sense of purpose, the meaning of how they move
through time together, their priorities and values, what
they hold to be sacred, their goals and missions, their
ethics, morality, philosophy of life and religion, and
their legacy from their families and cultures, so together,
they can build an existential base to their lives. [Want
to read more? See Doherty’s book, The Intentional
Family.]
1-6
A large mismatch that can trouble couple relationships

centers on how people feel about feelings, which we call
“meta-emotion.” To help couples with these mismatches,
we need to understand people’s experience and relationship
to specific affects like anger, sadness, fear, contempt, pride,
affection, love, joy, excitement, humor, amusement, adven-
ture, safety, security, and panic. We also need to understand
their trauma. We need to grasp their philosophy about
emotion and emotional exploration, and enhance their
bodily awareness and emotional fluency with what Eugene
Gendlin called “focusing.” We think that the two major
attachment insecurities are consequences of meta-emotion
mismatches, and that they can be aided with emotion
coaching, which was the topic of Dan Yoshimoto’s thesis
in our lab. [Want to read more? Read Eugene Gendlin’s
book Focusing, Gottman & DeClaire’s book Raising an
Emotionally Intelligent Child, and Gottman, Katz, &
Hooven’s Meta-emotion]
As you can see, for much of our history, our field has based
therapeutic interventions on myths that have little or no
empirical support. The field has gone about the business
of designing couple therapies without the guidance of
grounded theory. But finally, we are starting to understand
relationships. Of course, there is still much more for our
couples to teach us.
In this workshop, rather than present a checklist of what
needs to be changed in dysfunctional relationships, this
seminar is based on our new theory of how relationships
either work or fail based on what we have learned thus far.
By a theory we mean a recipe, a very specific and construc-
tive guide for the therapist and couple. The field of couple
intervention has desperately needed a theory, one with a
strong empirical basis, a grounded theory.
In addition to the points we have listed, outcome research
in couples therapy suggest that the therapy for failing
relationships must involve accomplishing three goals: (1)
down-regulating negative affect and its escalation during
conflict, (2) increasing positive affect in conflict, and (3)
increasing positive affect outside of conflict. But how are
these therapeutic objectives to be accomplished? This semi-
nar teaches what we currently believe about the best ways
for accomplishing these three goals.
1-7
Let’s begin by talking about the nature of the theory we

need. First, we will integrate our research findings into a
theory that highlights how to systematically accomplish
these three therapeutic objectives in a meaningful way.
In our laboratory, the theory that we have developed repre-
sents a systematic approach to these goals (building overall
positivity in the non-conflict contexts, and reducing nega-
tivity and increasing positivity during conflict resolution)
for producing lasting effects in couple therapy. The theory
also shows how to deal with a very difficult and common
presenting couple problem: emotional distance and disen-
gagement. These are the hardest dynamics to work with.
Our theory is called the “Sound Relationship House.” This
manual builds toward that theory in the first three chap-
ters, and then presents the implications of the theory in the
remaining chapters for both assessment and intervention.
1.1.1. What is Different About Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

The Sound Relationship House theory is an integrative ap-
proach to couple therapy. It deals with couple conflict and
its resolution, but also extends beyond the conflict context
into the everyday aspects of couple interaction through
building and repairing the couple’s friendship and love. It
also emphasizes the couple’s shared meaning system. Here
are its characteristics:
• It is an affective couple therapy. First and foremost,
our therapy focuses on emotion, on the emotions the
couple brings into a session, on dysfunctional negative
interaction patterns (escalation or emotional disengage-
ment), and on replacing the Four Horsemen with their
antidotes in order to make conflict discussions more
functional, constructive, and regulated. It also focuses
on emotional repair, and on building safety, trust, bond-
ing, love, intimacy, friendship, and positive affect. This
work includes focus on all the seven emotional systems
described by Jaak Panksepp.
• It is a behavioral couple therapy, focused on changing
interaction patterns.
• It is an existentially-based couple therapy, both in its
approach to gridlocked conflict (Dreams within con-
flict) and building the shared meaning system.
1-8
• It is a cognitive couple therapy, focusing on how couples

think about their relationship, and how they feel about
feelings (meta-emotion philosophy).
• It is a narrative therapy, focusing on the stories the part-
ners tell themselves about their history, their purposes
and their struggles.
• It is a systemic couple therapy, based upon the sequen-
tial, time-series, and mathematical modeling of actual
interaction patterns that describe the relationship as a
system.
• It is a psychodynamic couple therapy, based upon spe-
cific aspects of analysis of the role the primary family
and other salient past relationships play in the rela-
tionship here and now, especially in our analysis of the
anatomy of a conflict. As Faulkner said, the past is not
dead, it is not even past.
1.1.2. What is Our Focus?

In this therapy, as you can see, we focus on emotion, skill
building for managing conflict, developing new skills for
enhancing friendship, and helping the couple to create a
system of shared meaning together.
This therapy is not a rigid school of therapy that seeks ad-
herents. It does not exclude orientations. We seek dialogue,
not devotion. This therapy is open to many approaches. It
attempts to integrate basic research and clinical concepts.
We also seek to be practical and systematic, with diagnostic
and intervention techniques and specific exercises that will
empower clinicians and make it possible for clinicians to
start applying these methods immediately. In this manual
we will state our assumptions about our therapy so that
clinicians can agree or disagree with them.
The theory presented in this workshop makes it possible
to tailor the couple therapy to the strengths and challenges
facing each individual couple seen in therapy. Thus the
design of individualized couple therapy is the unique job
of the clinician with respect to the artistry each clinician
brings to therapy.
1-9
Our belief is that every clinician can be effective in using

these methods. We hope that you, the reader, will find that
our methods are not at all mysterious, and that you will find
them useful in your own practice. This manual is designed
to describe these methods and make them accessible to you.
The idea is that all three things, research, training and treat-
ment need to be strongly connected at the outset. Clinical
insights and intuition are very important, and they must
guide research. However, intuition must also be informed
by research, or our methods will stagnate. Research cannot
be an afterthought, but must be part of the very design of
interventions.
We will begin by summarizing what we have learned in our
research from the “masters of relationships” as well as from
the “disasters of relationship.” A “master couple” is a couple
who stays together and is happy with the relationship. A
“disaster couple” is a couple who breaks up, or a couple
who stays together and is unhappy with the relationship.
The very definitions require longitudinal research. We learn
something about these relationships by making them multi-
method, by observing, by using physiology, interviewing,
video recall ratings, and questionnaires. The multi-method
approach lets us tell a good story about the masters and the
disasters.
1-10
1.2. Our Research Methods—The Levenson-

Gottman Paradigm and Creating a Couple
Social Psychology Laboratory
Our research on relationships is based, in part, on a long
(35-year) collaboration with my best friend, Robert W.
Levenson, who is a psychology professor at the University
of California, Berkeley. The database of our research in-
cludes seven longitudinal studies with a total of 677 couples
(see Table 1). The studies range across the life course. There
is also a study of physically abusive couples conducted with
Neil Jacobson. We have followed the couples for many
years, with no intervention. The longest were followed for
18 years. They have included everyone from newlyweds
through long-term couples in their forties and in their
sixties. We have followed couples becoming parents and
interacting with their babies, their preschoolers, and their
teenagers. With all the couples, we have studied the “mas-
ters” and “disasters” of relationship. These studies are part of
the database upon which this manual is based.
When Bob and John began doing research on divorce pre-
diction in 1972, there were nearly 2,000 published studies
on divorce, only six of which were longitudinal, prospective
studies. They were based on self-report measurements of
personality. These six studies fared very poorly at predic-
tion: The correlations were all around 0.25 or so. This means
that the researchers could account for very little variance in
their predictions. Also, the results were not very interest-
ing theoretically, as far as we were concerned. For example,
Newcomb and Bentler (1980) found that clothes-conscious
women were less likely to divorce, while there was no such
correlation for men. The correlations, when significant, were
small. Imagine, as a humorous aside, a therapy based on
these two results. With Martha and George, the therapist
would discuss Martha’s wardrobe with her and advise her
to go shopping, but tell George that it didn’t matter in his
case. There were also some weak results in the Kelly and
Conley (1987) study that neuroticism predicted divorce.
These results were hard to interpret for methodological rea-
sons, and they were hard to use to design couple interven-
tions. The methodological problem was that it is unclear in
the Kelly and Conley study if neuroticism or couple unhap-
piness was being measured. Since the couple’s friends filled
out the self-report personality inventory in that study, they
1-11
may have used items that purportedly assess such charac-

teristics as depression to describe their friend’s relationship
unhappiness, but depression could stem from other causes.
Altogether, little was learned.
Bob Levenson and John brought a multi-method approach
to the measurement of couple processes as they became
manifest in three domains. We call this the Core Triad of
Balance. The three domains are:
Interactive behavior: coding partners’ behavior and emo-
tion as they interacted in various contexts;
Perception: ascertaining individual perceptions of self and
other through questionnaires, video recall procedures, at-
tributional methods, and interviews
Physiology: measuring autonomic, endocrine, immune
systems.
We think that couples create inter-related “set points” of
balance between positivity and negativity (or arousal and
calm) in all three domains, and these set points determine
the future of their relationship. But these are not the only
set points in the relationship. There are also positive, less
dysfunctional set points, but the relationship spends less
time near those set points. In other words, every relation-
ship has the potential to be heaven or hell. We also found
that which set point the relationship parameter hovers up
near most of the time depends entirely on the success of the
couple’s repair attempts.
We found that we could use all three domains (interactive
behavior, perception, and physiology) to predict the longitu-
dinal course of a relationship. In a series of landmark stud-
ies, John built an apartment laboratory at the University of
Washington where couples lived for 24-hour periods and
were videotaped (the cameras turned on at 9 a.m. and off
at 9 p.m.). We asked only that the couples do what they
would normally do on a Sunday at home. We videotaped
each couple’s behavior during the camera-on time. In the
study, we observed couples talking about how their day
went after they had been apart for a least eight hours; we
observed them talking about, and trying to resolve, areas
of continuing disagreement; and we observed them talking
about enjoyable topics. At the same time, we also recorded
their physiological responses. When they sat down in our
1-12
“fixed lab,” we were able to obtain data on respiration,

electrocardiogram, blood velocity to the ear and the finger
of the nondominant hand, skin conductance, and gross
motor movement via a “jiggle-ometer” attached to the base
of their chairs. We used Holter monitors from SpaceLabs
(who conducted the physiological measurements of NASA
astronauts) and a beat-to-beat computer and computer pro-
gram for analyzing the couple’s electrocardiograms. We also
assayed urinary stress hormones, and, in collaboration with
an immunologist, Dr. Hans Ochs, we took blood samples
for standard immunological assays.
Some have asked about how intrusive our research meth-
ods are and how natural the couples’ behavior can be in the
laboratory apartment. We have systematically studied this
issue by comparing our data to that obtained when spouses
interact at home without an observer present (using either
audio or videotapes that the couples make). The answer
is that the behavior of people in our labs is different from
their behavior at home, and the difference is that all spouses
are much nicer to each other and more polite in the lab.
Therefore, in the lab we underestimate the real differences
between happy and unhappy couples. Given our ability to
predict what will happen to the relationship longitudinally,
this is not a serious problem. How natural are the couples,
in general? We think that after about 45 minutes in our lab,
couples forget the cameras and other recording devices. This
unawareness is fostered in part by the physical arrange-
ments in the lab (cameras placed above eye level), the fact
that we form a very good rapport with our couples, and in
part because the spouse is such a strong stimulus for elicit-
ing well ingrained, repeated behavior and thought patterns.
After we videotaped the couples in the apartment labora-
tory and fixed lab, we played the videotapes back for the
couples and asked them to tell us, using a rating dial, what
they were feeling and thinking. The rating dial is a dial we
ask people to rotate to reflect their own feelings. It goes
through an arc of 180 degrees and is labeled from “extreme-
ly positive” to “extremely negative.” We also asked the cou-
ples to guess what their partners were thinking and feeling.
This step was prompted by Bob Levenson and Anna Ruef ’s
(1992) research that had discovered that those people who
physiologically relived their own physiology were terrible
guessers of the feelings of another, while those who relived
the other’s physiology were much better at guessing their
1-13
partner’s responses. People presumably relive their partner’s

physiology by mirroring the partner’s emotional reactions.
We measured how closely the physiology of the two people
parallels one another. Levenson & Ruef (1992) found that
those people whose physiology while watching the vid-
eotape more closely resembled their partners’ physiology
during the interaction had rating dial data (when asked to
predict how their partner felt during the interaction) that
closely matched their partner’s data. But if their physiology
(while watching the tape) matched only their own physiol-
ogy, they were bad at guessing how their partner felt during
the interaction. This amounted to a physiological way of
defining empathy. We also sometimes replayed interviews
of specific moments (selected on some salient dimension,
such as their ratings, their behavior, or their physiology).
The interview of specific moments asked people how they
perceived the moment. They viewed the moment, and then
we asked them questions about how they were feeling, how
they thought their partner was feeling, and what their goals
were during that moment. The partners also filled out a
questionnaire about that moment. From the findings, we
learned that there are two basic categories of negative reac-
tions: an “innocent victim” type of perception, associated
with whining and defensiveness; and a “righteous indigna-
tion” perception, associated with contempt.
We also developed interviews to ascertain spouses’ per-
ceptions of the history of their relationship, their parents’
relationships, their philosophies of being married, their
levels of comfort or discomfort with basic emotions as well
as an interview for the purpose of identifying the rituals,
roles, life dreams, goals, symbols and myths that guide the
partners’ search for meaning. Finally, we coded spouses’ be-
havior from the videotapes using objective coding systems
with trained observers that describe facial expressions, voice
tone, gestures, body positions and movements, the distance
between the partners, and so on.
There used to be a skit on “Saturday Night Live” in which
male and female anchor-persons sit at a raised dais. They
are talking about an upcoming event as if it were a sport-
ing event, but all we see on the set is a kitchen table, chairs,
and a coffee port. In comes a sleepy lady in a bathrobe, who
pours herself a cup of coffee and sits down. Then in comes
her husband, also in bathrobe; he pours his cup of coffee,
sits down, and then opens up a newspaper. The commenta-
1-14
tors go wild. One says, “Did you see that, Bob? He totally
shut her out. That was a masterful move. Worth at least
ten points. Let’s check with the judges. Yes, it was a 10.”
“Yes, that was amazing, Jane,” says the commentator, “Let’s
see how she counters.” And so it went throughout the
breakfast. This skit was hilarious to us because essentially it
showed what we actually do with our data. We code couple
interactions, using our observational codes. Then we weight
them, giving positive points and negative points. Our
weights are guided by the research on what discriminates
happy from unhappy couples. We cumulate the amount of
positive minus negative points each person earned at his or
her turn at speech. We create something like a “Dow-Jones
industrial average” of couple conversation. From this we do
our mathematical modeling.
In one of our most revealing studies, we followed a group of
130 newlywed couples who were representative of the major
ethnic and racial groups in Seattle. We studied them in the
first few months of their relationship. Then we formed three
criterion groups based on how their relationships turned
out many years later. There were 17 divorced couples. In
addition to them, we studied 20 happily married, stable
couples and 20 miserably married (very unhappy) but stable
couples. Could we use specific models of couple success to
predict which criterion group a couple would eventually fall
into? Let’s look at the models we tested.
In the analyses we conducted, we sought to be able to
make two types of predictions: (1) a couple stability predic-
tion in which we combined the two stable groups (happy
and unhappy) and attempted to predict divorce or stability
from their time-1 couple interaction (taken within the first
six months of relationship) using various process models;
and (2) a couple happiness prediction in which, controlling for
stability, we tried to predict a couple’s time-2 couple hap-
piness or unhappiness (from their time-1 couple interac-
tion taken within the first six months of relationship) using
various process models. These models were based on the
observational data. We tested models of whether anger was
a dangerous emotion in relationship (as some have argued,
e.g. Hendrix, 1988), or whether what I have called “The
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” predicted divorce. We
examined whether reciprocating negative emotions in kind
(anger by one spouse is met with anger by the partner, for
example) predicted divorce. We examined whether accept-
1-15
ing influence and sharing power predicted couple stability.

We studied the active listening mode. We looked at how
the conflict discussion started, the role of positive affect,
de-escalation, balance of positive and negative affect, and
the role of physiological soothing. All of the theory we built
is based on the compiled findings of these studies. We were
quite delighted that in this longitudinal work we were actu-
ally able to predict divorce and stability with a very high de-
gree of accuracy. Since we have now found replicated results
in numerous longitudinal studies, we are fairly confident
that our findings are reliable and accurate.
Begun in Year Number of Sample Comments and Sample References
Couples
1. 1980 30 Young Couples Levenson & Gottman 1983, 1985
2. 1983 79 Varied From Newlyweds Gottman (1994)
To Old Age
3. 1986 56 Couples With A Preschool Gottman, Katz, & Hooven (1996)
Child (Midwest Sample)
4. 1989 63 Same As 1986 Study None
(Seattle Sample)
5. 1989 130 Newlyweds (Seattle Gottman, Coan, Carrere & Swanson
Sample) (1998)
6. 1989 156 Middle-Aged And Sixties Levenson, Carstensen & Gottman
Couples (San Francisco (1994)
Bay Area)
7. 1989 160 Four Groups: Highly Jacobson & Gottman (1998)
Abusive, Moderately
Abusive, Distressed Non-
Violent, Happily Married
Non-Violent
In John’s book, What Predicts Divorce?, John employed

Studies 2 and 3 to ask the question, “What is dysfunctional
in relationships?” This research was also reported for the
general public in the book, Why Relationships Succeed or Fail.
Study 2 is our longest longitudinal study (15 years)
Study 3 was a 10-year study of couples with a preschool
child. This study, in addition to being a study of relation-
ship was also a study of parent-child interaction and
children’s social-emotional development. The books Meta-
Emotion (Gottman, Katz, & Hooven, 1997) and The Heart
of Parenting (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997) came from this
study. Study 4 is a replication of study 3, and we are still
analyzing the data from this study.
1-16
In Study 5 John has been asking basic questions of what

is dysfunctional when newlywed relationships head for
divorce and what is functional in those early years of rela-
tionship. The first of our reports of this work is the paper by
Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson (1998). In the newly-
wed study (Study 5), John asked which interactive processes
are “dysfunctional” and which are “functional” in the context
of two longitudinal prediction studies.
We also continued to study these newlyweds as some made
the transition to parenthood (50 couples so far). We studied
them in their sixth month of pregnancy and built a labora-
tory to study their interactions with their three-month-old
baby. This laboratory duplicated that of Elizabeth Fivaz-
Depeursinge of Lausanne, Switzerland. We are finding that
couple conflict transfers to the baby and makes it difficult
for the baby to restore physiological calm after being upset
or overstimulated. These children are now approximately
four-years-old. Approximately 70% of the parents experi-
enced a precipitous drop in couple satisfaction in the baby’s
first year of life. We are now able to answer the question of
what predicts if a couple will wind up in this 70% group or
in the group whose couple satisfaction is maintained during
the transition to parenthood. This study has formed the ba-
sis for a new preventive intervention for expectant couples
that is now being used nationally and internationally to
supplement birth preparation training.
1-17
1.3. What Is “Dysfunctional” and “Functional” In

Relationships?
1.3.1. Myths About What Is “Dysfunctional” When a Relationship Is Ailing

Whole books have been written about the concept of what
is dysfunctional when a relationship isn’t working. It has
been the major springboard for theorizing about relation-
ships. Here’s a little more than a baker’s dozen of these
hypotheses. All these ideas make sense. They seem like
common sense, and they sound right. You will often hear
them echoed on afternoon television. But they are all
flawed. Common sense may be nonsense.
1. Quid Pro Quo. Lederer & Jackson proposed The Quid
Pro Quo contract as an implicit contract that every
successful relationship contains. It is a contract in which
people exchange positive things with one another. Le-
derer & Jackson suggested that this kind of reciprocity
breaks down in relationships that are ailing, and trust
becomes eroded. In fact, this is a myth. In 1977 Bernard
Murstein found that a quid-pro-quo way of thinking
was characteristic of both ailing friendships and ailing
relationships. Once a partner becomes an “emotional
accountant” there is something wrong. In other words,
when the thinking is “I did this for that person and it
never got reciprocated,” then that’s a sign that the rela-
tionship is in trouble.
2. Extra-relationship or extra-relationship affairs are the
major cause of divorce. This idea has been suggested
by Frank Pittman, and it is an idea worthy of consid-
eration. There is no question that extra-relationship
affairs are a cause of divorce, and a cause of great dis-
tress. However, Gigy & Kelly in the California Divorce
Mediation Project discovered that the major cause of
divorce (80% of the time) is that people become emo-
tionally distant and drift apart. This represents a failure
of the friendship and intimacy in the relationship. Fur-
thermore, most book about affairs claim that affairs are
not usually about sex, but about finding someone who
offers friendship and affection. Thus, relationships end
more by ice than by fire.
1-18
3. Monogamy is for women. The idea is that men need

and want to have sex with many partners, but women
need security and constant love with just one partner, so
gender differences in sexual needs erode relationships.
This has been called the socio-biological theory: Men
need to philander and women do not; monogamous
relationship is a female thing. This view has been pro-
mulgated most recently by a writer named Fisher in
her book, The Anatomy of Love. It is a myth. As women
have entered the work force in large numbers and have
achieved more economic power, philandering has in-
creased dramatically for women. Sociologists estimate
that affair rates for men and women are now about
equal. Past gender differences in philandering were
more about women’s lack of accessibility to men when
working only in the home than about women’s biology.
Furthermore, historically the practice of monogamy was
designed by men, not women, for the purpose of ascer-
taining paternity to enable inheritance of property.
4. Gender Differences Cause Divorce. This idea was
most recently popularized by John Gray in the Mars
Venus books. The theory is that men are task-oriented
and not emotional (Mars) and women are affiliative and
emotional (Venus) and not task-oriented. This hypoth-
esis was originally proposed by Bales and Parsons in the
1950s. It is a myth as Elizabeth Aires demonstrated in
her review of the relevant research literature. Women in
families are very task-oriented, and so are men. Women
are very emotional in families and so are men. With
our data, Robert Levenson performed careful computer
analyses of language during relationship conflict and
found that women produce an average of 9 emotion
words a minute while men produce 8 - A very small
difference.
5. Dominance Structures in Relationships are Dysfunc-
tional. The idea here is that dominance structures in
relationships produce dysfunction. This is also a myth.
Research has shown that there is more conflict when
people must work out who is in charge of each thing
in contrast to when there are clear gender lines on who
does what. Dominance structures in social groups are
designed to minimize conflict. When relationships are
purposely aiming for equality and the lack of control of
one person by another (as in the USA), the important
1-19
dimensions related to happiness with the relationship

are: (1) the perception of fairness and (2) emotional
responsiveness to one another. What might be called
imbalances in power and specialization in a relationship
are not a problem if these two qualities are present.
6. Demand-Withdraw Pattern. A “female-demand/male-
withdraw” pattern or a “female-pursuer/male-distancer”
pattern is dysfunctional. This one is true. Andy Chris-
tensen has pioneered the research in this area of couple
relationships.
7. Behavior Change. The idea is that the inability to
change one another’s behavior in a relationship is dys-
functional. This hypothesis seems almost true by tautol-
ogy. The therapist experiences a behavioral rigidity in
distressed relationships, so this view is consistent with
therapeutic experience. It was also an early behavioral
view. But now its major proponents (Andrew Chris-
tensen, Neil Jacobson) emphasize acceptance as well as
change. They argue that the most serious problem in
relationships occurs when people don’t feel accepted for
who they are.
8. Problem Solving and Conflict Resolution. Poor prob-
lem solving and inadequate conflict resolution are dys-
functional. This hypothesis has formed the cornerstone
of nearly all couple therapies. However, our research
reveals that this idea is a myth. Most conflicts are never
resolved, including in happy relationships. They remain
perpetual problems that couples either continue to cope
with through dialogue or become gridlocked about.
9. Mind Reading. Mind-reading is dysfunctional. This
was the central part of Paul Watzlawick’s theory. The
idea is that people should not try to attribute thoughts,
feelings, and motives to their partner. Yet in our re-
search mind-reading was seen to act as a feeling probe
if delivered with some positive affect (like affection).
[Example: “You always get tense at my mom’s house
at Christmas. Response: “Yes, I do. I feel so judged by
her.”]. But if the mind-reading code was delivered with
negative affect, it led to defensiveness [Example: “You
always get so tense at my mom’s house at Christmas.”
Response: “No, I don’t. Shut up!”].
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10. Meta-communciation. The idea is that a lack of

meta-communicating is dysfunctional for relationships.
This came from the seminal paper by Bateson, Watzla-
wick, Beavin, & Jackson on the role of the double-bind
message between a schizophrenic and his mother. The
defect they identified in the communication system was
the inability to meta-communicate, so that the schizo-
phrenic was damned if he did approach his mother, and
damned if he didn’t. This is a myth. Our observational
research demonstrated that there was no relationship
between meta-communicative statements and any out-
come variable. Again, the effect of the meta-communi-
cative statement depended on the affect with which it
was delivered.
11. Winch’s Need Complementarity. The hypothesis is
that need complementarity is functional. For example,
a person who needs to be domineering must find
someone who needs to be submissive and then a happy
relationship will result. A great deal of research was
stimulated by this hypothesis. There has been so little
support for this hypothesis that the Journal of Marriage
and the Family’s decade reviews decided to stop review-
ing research on this hypothesis.
12. Residues of Issues in Families of Origin. A com-
mon view in early Freudian analysis was that healthy
relationships are not possible unless neuroses in one’s
primary family are first resolved. Once again, research
evidence has never supported this hypothesis. That is
not to say that people don’t enter relationships with
unresolved issues. They do. These may create perpetual
issues in a relationship. But the success of the relation-
ship will depend on how these issues are managed, not
on their evaporation.
13. Projective Identification. Most couple conflict is the
result of projection. First the relationship needs to
become “conscious.” However, most conflict in relation-
ships is about how the couple relates to one another,
usually during ordinary moments, and the issues raised
are usually conscious ones like those involving respect,
affection, autonomy and interdependence. However,
this is not to say that childhood wounds aren’t impor-
tant. They are.
1-21
14. Reinforcement Erosion. Neil Jacobson suggested that

relationships start off happy with partners highly im-
portant and reinforcing for one another, but over time
“reinforcement erosion” occurs and that is the source
of couple dysfunction. Levenson and Gottman have
found that, on the contrary, in long-term relationships
people become more important to one another, not less,
and small acts of kindness have even greater impact.
15. High expectations. The hypothesis (originally formal-
ized by Lederer & Jackson’s book, Mirages of Marriage)
is that people’s high expectations lead to disappoint-
ments that can be avoided by lowering standards about
what to expect in a relationship. Baucom has studied
this question systematically over a decade and found
that quite the opposite is true: People who expect to be
treated well in a relationship get treated well. Those who
lower their expectations also get what they expect-less.
More and more hypotheses could be generated. Even
back in 1938, Terman, in the first published study on re-
lationships, wrote that there was “a riot of opinion” about
what made for a good relationship, most of which was
totally unsupported by the data. We could go on and on,
listing hypotheses such as only equalitarian relationships
are functional, and so on. The question is, are any of these
contentions actually true? Or are some contentions true but
only under some circumstances, or in some intricate combi-
nation? Or if they’re not, then what is true?
What should a couple therapist pick as a goal? And what
should the therapist decide needs fixing in an ailing rela-
tionship? Let us first look at what research has discovered
about the real correlates of couple unhappiness.
1.3.2. Truths About What Is “Dysfunctional” When a Relationship Is

Ailing?
The following are eight predictors of divorce and/or con-
tinued couple misery that are characteristic of relationships
when they are attempting to resolve conflict, and hence can
be considered “dysfunctional.” These predictors were dis-
covered in over 30 years of longitudinal research in our lab.
1. More negativity than positivity. During conflict dis-
cussions, the ratio of positive to negative interactions in
stable relationships is 5:1, not 0.8:1 as it is in couples
1-22
headed for divorce. The presence of positive affect itself

during conflict resolution (and in everyday interac-
tion) is, in fact, critical. However, this balance theory in
which both positivity and negativity are necessary also
implies the unusual point of view that negativity is im-
portant in healthy relationships. Negativity plays many
prosocial functions – for example, culling out interac-
tion patterns that don’t work, renewing courtship over
time, etc. Thus, couple therapy should not declare war
on negativity. On the contrary, we submit the idea that
a relationship without negative affect would be a living
hell. In a relationship we get all the affects, and we agree
with Charles Darwin that all emotions have adaptive
value. We also agree with Haim Ginott, who said that
all emotions and all wishes are acceptable, but that not
all behavior may be acceptable.
2. Escalation of negative affect: The “Four Horsemen of
the Apocalypse”. Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt,
and Stonewalling and gender differences in these (female
criticism, male stonewalling) are dysfunctional in rela-
tionship conflict. These are part of a pattern of escala-
tion of negativity, which is one pattern of dysfunctional
interaction. In the 1970s many behavioral relationship
therapists thought that what was dysfunctional in a
relationship was the reciprocation of negativity in kind,
particularly anger. We discovered in sequential analyses
of relationship interaction, however, that the recipro-
cation of anger was as characteristic of stable, happy
couples as it was of unstable or unhappy couples. It was
the escalation of negativity that predicted divorce. Sub-
sequent research discovered that this pattern, in turn, was
related to a pattern we called “turning away” from bids
for emotional connection.
3. Emotional disengagement and withdrawal. Another
negative, dysfunctional pattern that emerged from our
longitudinal research was both the absence of escalated
negative affect during conflict, but also the absence of
any positive affect during conflict as well. There was a
marked lack of affection, shared humor, question-ask-
ing, active interest, excitement, joy, support, and empa-
thy. Subsequent research discovered that this particular
pattern was related to a negative style in everyday
interaction that we called “turning against” bids for
emotional connection.
1-23
4. The failure of repair attempts. The goal of therapy

ought not to be helping couples to avoid fights, even
ones that are painful and alienating. Nor should it be
helping couples to avoid hurting one another’s feelings,
or avoiding times when they do not respond to one
another’s needs for emotional connection. Instead, the
goal ought to be to help couples process these inevitable
fights and moments of miscommunication or hurt feel-
ings, and to be able to repair the relationship. Regret-
table incidents in interaction are inevitable, just par for
the course.
5. Negative sentiment override (NSO). Robert Weiss
(1980) defined the concepts of positive and negative
sentiment override. In negative sentiment override there
is a discrepancy between insider and outsider percep-
tions of the interaction. An actual neutral or a posi-
tive message is interpreted by the partner as negative.
Hence, negative sentiment overrides positive interac-
tion. In positive sentiment override negative messages
are not seen as particularly negative, or at least they are
not taken personally. In negative sentiment override
negative perception is “the subtext” that accompanies
interactions. Negative sentiment override is related to
the development of negative attributions about one
another and the relationship. Robinson & Price (1980)
placed observers in couples’ homes to observe only posi-
tive behavior; they also trained partners to observe their
own interactions with the same observational system.
When couples were happy, the strangers and the part-
ners were veridical with one another. But when couples
were unhappy, they only saw 50% of their partner’s
positive interaction (as determined by the outside ob-
servers). Fritz Heider’s “fundamental attribution error”
is related to these findings. He described a tendency in
people to minimize their own errors and attribute them
to temporary, fleeting circumstances, but to maximize
the errors of others and attribute them to lasting, nega-
tive personality traits or character flaws. In our own
work negative attributions were also related to negative-
ly recasting the history of the relationship. In the begin-
ning of research on relationships, Terman attempted to
find a personality profile that was ideal for relationships,
a kind of “emotional intelligence.” Recall that Terman
was one of the developers of the IQ test. However, re-
1-24
search on “personality” in relationships only really paid

off when one partner was asked to describe the per-
sonality of the partner. Then, in distressed relationships
partners tended to endorse all negative traits for their
partner, whereas in happy relationships they tended to
minimize negative traits and endorse positive traits for
their partner. There were no profiles that fit together
with happy or unhappy relationships though. It is our
contention that negative sentiment override cannot be
altered by intervention, and that altering it ought not to
be a goal of couple therapy. Instead, it is an artifact of a
deterioration in friendship, so that whatever the partner
does is perceived as adversarial. Thus the goal should be
to strengthen the friendship in the couple.
6. Maintaining vigilance and physiological arousal.
Physiological arousal often accompanies feelings of
being overwhelmed by the way one’s partner raises is-
sues, but it can be triggered in other ways, too. It leads
people to want to flee or aggress. Men are more likely
than women to rehearse distress-maintaining thoughts
that may prolong physiological arousal and vigilance.
Flooding and The Distance and Isolation Cascade accom-
panies this arousal.
7. Chronic diffuse physiological arousal. General activa-
tion of many physiological systems creates the “general
alarm response” that spells danger. Physiological arousal
may cause increased heart rate, increased myocardial
contractility, increased vasoconstriction, increased
sympathetic and decreased parasympathetic activation,
increased rennin-angiotensin activity, reduced oxygen
concentration in the blood, decreased blood supply to
non-essential functions like the gut and kidney, cat-
echolamine and cortisol secretion, increased amygdala
activation, decreased frontal lobe activation, immuno-
suppression, and so on. When physiological arousal
accompanies relationship conflict, it may lead to: (a) a
decrease in one’s ability to take in information (reduced
hearing, reduced peripheral vision, problems with shift-
ing attention away from a defensive posture), (b) an
increase in defensiveness and the “summarizing yourself
syndrome,” (c) a reduction in the ability to be creative
in problem-solving, and (d) a reduction in the ability to
listen and empathize.
1-25
8. The failure of men to accept influence from women.

This may show up as either: (1) Male emotional disen-
gagement (this eventually becomes mutual emotional
disengagement), or (2) Male escalation (belligerence,
contempt, defensiveness) in response to his partner’s
low intensity negative affect (complaining).
1.3.3. What Is “Functional” When a Relationship Is Going Well?

For many decades, clinical writers have had to rely on their
fantasies of what a good relationship is like. Often these
fantasies did not match reality. One of the contributions
of the Gottman and Levenson research is that well-func-
tioning relationships have been studied over long periods
of time (up to 20 years) so that we no longer have to rely
on what we imagine a good relationship to be like. There is
new information in studying good relationships. It’s not just
reversing the grammar in the dysfunctional list.
What is going well when a relationship is stable and satisfy-
ing to both partners? Tolstoy said that all unhappy families
were different in their distinct miseries, but that all happy
families were the same. It turns out from research that the
exact opposite is true. In happiness there is the possibility
for much greater diversity. Unhappiness creates more con-
straints upon interaction patterns. The following has been
found to be true by research:
Good relationships are matched in preferred conflict
style. In 1974 an important book was published by Harold
Raush. It was the first observational longitudinal study of
the transition to parenthood, and the first to use sequential
analysis of interaction. Raush divided his couples into three
groups, harmonious, conflict avoiding, and bickering. He
suggested that the two extreme styles of conflict (avoiding
and bickering) were dysfunctional. However, in our own
research we found that all three styles (which we called
Avoiders, Validators, and Volatiles) were all functional
(stable, happy), if and only if the ratio of positive to nega-
tive interaction during conflict was greater than or equal
to 5:1. Also, mismatches between preferred conflict styles
in married couples did predict divorce. These mismatches
were at the root of demand-withdraw (or pursuer-distanc-
er) patterns. A conflict avoider paired with a validator was
the most common mismatch. We speculated that a partner
with an avoider conflict style paired with a partner with a
1-26
volatile conflict style would not progress toward relation-

ship commitment. Relationships that are mismatched
have particular perpetual issues to deal with. They are not
automatically doomed, but without intervention this mis-
match in preferred conflict style is a risk factor that predicts
dissolution. In therapy this mismatch gives the therapist
an important goal of the treatment – establishing dialogue
rather than gridlock with this perpetual problem. We now
discuss this general goal.
Good relationships are characterized by “dialogue”
rather than “gridlock” with perpetual issues. Only 31% of
couples’ major areas of continuing disagreement were about
resolvable issues. 69% of the time they were about unresolv-
able perpetual problems. Functional problem solving about
resolvable issues had the following characteristics:
• The active listening model of functional relationship
received little or no support when scientifically studied.
In real relationship conflicts there was little evidence
that anything like active listening was actually used very
often, nor did it predict relationship outcome. Further-
more, the Munich relationship study found very poor
outcomes and high relapse rates when active listening
was taught (using the Gurney Relationship program).
The Munich study was a multi-method study that em-
ployed observational as well as self-report measures.
• The masters of relationships used softened startup
versus harsh startup when raising an issue. The woman’s
role was critical since women bring up issues in hetero-
sexual relationships 80% of the time.
• The choice of using harsh or softened startup was pre-
dictable by how positively responsive or rejecting men
were during an events-of-the-day conversation that
preceded the conflict discussion. Responsive men had
wives who softened their startup during conflict.
• Masters of relationships accepted influence rather than
“batting it back (escalation).” The man’s role was critical
here because most women tended to accept influence
at high rates. (Note: an important negative finding was
that negative reciprocity in kind was generally unrelated
to anything bad in couple outcomes).
1-27
• Masters of relationships had repair attempts that were

effective, and they repaired at a lower threshold of nega-
tivity than the disasters of relationships. They also did
preemptive repair (see below).
• The masters of relationships de-escalated negativ-
ity, and it was usually the male’s role, but it was only
low-conflict negativity that got de-escalated. Very few
relationships were successful at de-escalating high
intensity conflict. 96% of conflict discussions that began
negatively (negative cumulative SPAFF slope) never got
turned around (to a positive cumulative SPAFF slope).
• Anger was not dangerous, but the Four Horsemen and
belligerence were. They often led to the escalation of
negativity, and that was one pattern that turned out to
be consistently disastrous.
• Later longitudinal research (14-year follow up) found
that escalation of negativity was a pattern that pre-
dicted early divorcing, while a second pattern we called
“emotional disengagement” predicted later divorcing.
Emotional disengagement was not characterized by the
escalation of negativity, but by the absence of positive
affect during conflict.
• The most important finding was that for newlyweds
more positive affect during conflict was the only vari-
able that predicted both couple stability and happiness.
The positive affect was contingent rather than uniformly
distributed throughout the interaction. It served the
purpose of conflict de-escalation. Only positive affect
and de-escalation that served the purpose of physiologi-
cal soothing of the male predicted positive outcomes in
the newlywed relationship.
• Sixty nine percent of the time couples conflicted about
perpetual issues in the relationship that never get re-
solved. What mattered was not solving these problems
but the affect around which they were discussed. The
goal seemed to be to establish a dialogue with the per-
petual problem that communicated acceptance of the
partner, humor, affection, even amusement, and active
coping with the unresolvable problem rather than the
condition of “gridlock.” Gridlocked discussion only led
to painful exchanges or icy silence, and usually involved
the Four Horsemen.
1-28
Good relationships employ preemptive repair. Janice

Driver and Amber Tabares in our laboratory studied how
couples repair negativity. They designed a repair coding
system for this task. Their papers are still being written.
They discovered that couples whose relationships are happy
are doing a great deal to avoid having the conflict discus-
sion become negative in the first place. They referred to this
as “preemptive repair.” Unhappy couples do not do these
things. An example of one of their codes is “tooting our
own horn,” by which they meant that early in the conflict
discussion among happy couples one partner will congratu-
late the couple on how well they have coped with issues in
the past.
1-29
1.4. Summary Checklists

Here is a summary checklist of what is dysfunctional
when relationships are ailing:
1. The failure of repair attempts.
2. More negativity than positivity. Ratio of positive to
negative interactions during conflict must be about 5:1
for relationships to be stable.
3. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Gender dif-
ferences exist when relationships are ailing. Women are
more critical; men are more stonewalling. Stonewalling
is related to physiological activation; it is an unsuc-
cessful attempt to calm things down. Criticism during
conflict by women is predicted by an unresponsive or
irritable male during the preceding events-of-the-day
conversation.
4. The failure of men to accept influence from their
wives, will be either illustrated by men’s emotional
withdrawal—the demand-withdraw pattern—or two
patterns of increased control attempts involved with the
escalation of negative affect: (1) domineering, defensive-
ness, and contempt or (2) belligerence, defensiveness,
and contempt.
5. Perception and the subtext accompanies the nega-
tivity. Our video recall rating dial measure (percep-
tion of negativity or positivity of the interaction) was
a strong predictor of relationship outcomes. Men in
ailing relationships were also more likely to rehearse
distress-maintaining thoughts, but that was not true of
women, even when they were angered. When men are
angered or startled they want to retaliate. These percep-
tual patterns are related to the formation of what Fritz
Heider called negative attributions about one’s partner.
The most common negative attribution is to think of
one’s partner as selfish. This result is related to the fact
that personality measures were unreliably related to
relationship satisfaction in research, until researchers
started asking each person to describe their partner’s
personality. Then there were two effects: (1) a negative
halo effect—unhappy couples would endorse almost
every negative trait for their partner, and (2) a positive
halo effect—happy couples would endorse almost every
1-30
positive trait for their partner, especially the NEO’s (the

Big Five) agreeableness trait. There is a retelling of one’s
relationship history when the relationship is ailing.
6. Flooding and The Distance and Isolation Cascade
accompanies this flooding. The Distance and Isola-
tion Cascade involves chronic unhappiness, flooding,
the perception that problems are not solvable, and the
creation of parallel, lonely lives, leading to separation
and then divorce.
7. Emotional Disengagement. Lack of negative escala-
tion, and the lack of positive affect during conflict.
Turning away or against bids for emotional connec-
tion. Lack of positive affect in non-conflict contexts.
8. Chronic diffuse physiological arousal and immuno-
suppression.
Here is a summary checklist of what is functional when
relationships are working well:
1. There are three types of functional relationships: Avoid-
ers, Validators, and Volatiles. All three types work if
the conflict positive-to-negative ratio equals or exceeds
5-to-1. None work if the conflict positive-to-negative
ratio is below 0.8-to-1. Mismatches in preferred conflict
style predict divorce.
2. Matches in meta-emotion (how people feel about feel-
ings) are helpful. Mismatches are a very serious prob-
lem.
3. The Active Listening model of functional relationship
received no support, either in longitudinal correlational
non-intervention research or in intervention research.
4. These interaction patterns are functional:
a. Softened startup versus harsh startup. This refers to
how the problem is initially presented. The woman’s
role is critical.
b. Accepting influence versus batting it back (escala-
tion). The man’s role is critical. (Note an impor-
tant negative finding was that negative reciprocity
in kind is generally unrelated to anything bad in
couple outcomes).
c. De-escalation of negativity was functional, and it
was usually the male’s role, but it was only low-con-
flict negativity that got de-escalated.
1-31
d. Repair attempts work. Preemptive repair softens the

presentation and response to conflict.
e. Anger is not a dangerous emotion, but the Four
Horsemen and belligerence are.
f. The most important finding was that lots of positive
affect was the only variable among newlyweds that
predicted both couple stability and happiness.
g. The positive affect during conflict was contingent: It
was in the service of conflict de-escalation.
h. Only positive affect and de-escalation that were in
the service of soothing the male predicted positive
outcomes in the relationship.
5. Only 31% of couples’ major area of continuing disagree-
ment was about a resolvable issue. 69% of the time it
was about an unresolvable perpetual problem.
1-32
1-33
1.5 The Sound Relationship House Theory
1.5.1 The Nine Components of The Sound Relationship House Theory

Checklists are helpful for understanding, but inadequate
for clinical intervention. They don’t tell us about relation-
ship dynamics. A theory needs to make suggestions about
causality, the mechanisms of how things work. Here is our
theory.
There are nine parts of the Sound Relationship House
theory. Each of these levels involves the need to build a
fundamental process. The first three levels of the house
describe the essential components of the couple’s friendship.
1. Build Love Maps. The foundation of the house, The
Love Map, is a road map of one’s partner’s inner psy-
chological world. The fundamental process is asking
open-ended questions. It involves the couple knowing
one another and periodically updating this knowledge.
[Source in research: Oral History Interview]
2. Share Fondness & Admiration. The second story of
the house is The Fondness & Admiration System, which
is the antidote for contempt. The fundamental process
is changing a habit of mind from scanning the environ-
ment for people’s mistakes and then correcting them to
scanning the environment for what one’s partner is do-
ing right and building a culture of appreciation, fondness,
affection, and respect. [Source in research: Oral History
Interview]
3. Turn Towards. Bids for Emotional Connection. The
third story is Turning Toward versus Turning Away in
everyday moments, or what we call building the “Emo-
tional Bank Account.” The fundamental process is build-
ing awareness of how one’s partner asks for connection
and expresses emotional needs, and deciding to turn
toward these bids (rather than turning away or against).
The movie “Sliding Doors” is about how small choices
can hugely affect the course of a couple’s life. Life is full
of these “sliding door” moments, which are opportuni-
ties to turn toward one’s partner. [Source in research:
Apartment Lab Coding using Driver’s Bids & Turning
Coding System]
1-34
4. The Positive Perspective. These three stories build the

fourth story, that we claim one gets as a free add-on:
Bob Weiss’s idea of Positive Sentiment Override (PSO).
This determines a lot of things, including the presence
of positive affect in problem solving discussions, and the
success of repair attempts during conflict resolution. If
the first three levels of the Sound Relationship House
are not working, then people are in Negative Senti-
ment Override (NSO), in which even neutral or posi-
tive messages are perceived as negative and the person
is hypervigilant for negativity. There is a “chip on the
shoulder.” We claim that it is not possible to change
NSO to PSO, except by changing the quality of the
couple’s friendship. People are in negative sentiment
override for good reason: they see their partner as an
adversary, not a friend. To change that state, we need to
build the couple’s friendship, using the first three levels
of the Sound Relationship House. [Source in research:
Insider/Outsider discrepancies comparing rating dial
data to SPAFF data]
5. Manage Conflict. The next story of the house consists
of two parts of conflict regulation. The therapist helps
the couple identify the core issues and the anatomy
of repeating negative cycles in the relationship. By
“anatomy” we mean that the therapists help the couple
understand what triggers escalation (e.g., defensive-
ness, criticism, contempt, belligerence), and what the
story is of these triggers in each person’s past history
(either within the relationship or not). Conflicts are
one of two types. Type 1: For couple problems that are
resolvable, we detail The Four Parts of Effective Problem
Solving. These are Softened Startup, Accepting Influ-
ence, Repair and De-escalation (including physiological
soothing), and Compromise. The use of positive affect
in the service of de-escalation is a part of this, too, but
it is not programmable--it just happens by itself when
the Positive Sentiment Override is in place. Type 2: For
couple problems that are perpetual and probably not
resolvable, to avoid couple “gridlock” it is necessary that
the couple establish what we call a “dialogue” with the
perpetual problem. This involves a great deal of positive
affect (e.g., neutral affect – which is positive during con-
flict discussions, and interest, affection, humor, empathy,
excitement, softening) even when discussing a disagree-
ment. Again, physiological soothing is a critical part of
1-35
this process. There needs to be a ratio of 5 to 1 positive-

to-negative affect. The implications of the absence of
positive affect will be that in assessment we look for two
patterns. Not only do we look for the presence of nega-
tivity (e.g., the Four Horsemen) and the couple’s cycles
of arguing non-constructively, but we also look for the
absence of positive affect, even during conflict resolution.
[Source in research: SPAFF coding of Conflict Interac-
tions repeated over time]
6. Make Life Dreams and Aspirations Come True.
What is the basis of a continued positive affective emo-
tional connection even during conflict? Therapists once
believed that if conflict were resolved positive affects of
all types would rush into the couple’s world by them-
selves, like air rushes into a vacuum. Not true. Positive
affect systems need to be built intentionally. This in-
cludes play, fun, and exploration/adventure. This level
of the Sound Relationship House is also about helping
one’s partner realize important life dreams and making
the relationship, in general, effective at Making Dreams
and Aspirations Come True. This aspect of relationships
is the basis of unlocking couple gridlock, in which the
couple’s values within a position in the gridlocked conflict
are explored. [Source in research: Apartment Lab cod-
ing, Oral History Interview]
7. Create Shared Meaning. Finally, we have “the attic”
of the house, where people either intentionally create,
or do not create, a sense of shared meaning in their life
together. A relationship involves building a life together.
This life is full of meaning. In the way the couple moves
through time together, in how they prioritize their time,
and their resources, in the stories they tell one another
about their lives, their ancestors, their culture, their
beliefs, and their legacy, in the way they decide to have
things and events in their lives have meaning, they cre-
ate this shared meaning system. Here is where the sym-
bolic meanings live of many of our ideas about emotion
(our idea of “meta-emotion”) and the relationship. In
the “attic” our important Dreams, Narrative, Myths,
and Metaphors about our Relationship and Family find
a home. Here lie the narratives about what life means.
Here are the informal and formal rituals of connection
in a relationship and a family. This is what people tell
themselves about emotion and their internal thoughts,
1-36
metaphors, myths, and stories about the relationship.

Here is where the photo albums and the memorabilia
live. The creation of a relationship and a family involve
the active creation of a new culture that has never
existed before. Even if the two people come from the
same racial, ethnic, and geographic background, the
two families they grew up in will be very different and
so their union will always involve the creation of a new
world of meaning. Every relationship is a cross-cultural
experience. In our lab there were three interviews that
investigated the shared meaning system. The first was
our Oral History Interview, in which we asked about the
couple’s history and their philosophy of relationships,
and their family history. The second interview was our
Meta-emotion interview. In this interview, we asked
about the history of each person’s and the couple’s phi-
losophy about the basic emotions, sadness, anger, fear,
love, affection, pride, embarrassment, guilt, and shame,
and the expression of emotion in general. The third
interview is the Meanings Interview. This is an interview
about Rituals, Roles, Goals, and Symbolic Meanings. In
this interview we asked each person about the meaning
of everyday rituals, the holiday cycle, rites of passage,
and the meaning of fundamental roles in their families
of origin and in their own relationship and family. The
interview explores the meanings and history of rituals
like family dinner-times, reunions at the end of the day,
the mornings, play times, weekends, time with friends,
time with kin, birthdays, holidays, religious festivals and
holidays. It involves not only rituals within the family
but rituals involving the family with the larger com-
munity, the church, charity, others in need, the children’s
school, political parties and political events, and so on.
The interview explores the meanings and history of the
basic roles of each person: son, daughter, husband, wife,
father, mother, worker, provider, protector, nurturer,
educator, mentor, friend, religious and philosophical
person. Here resides the family’s culture. In this inter-
view we ask about their goals, their life missions, the
legacy they wish to leave the world with, their cultures,
their religion, their spirituality. Here we can also search
for common ground and discrepancies between spouses,
and for discrepancies between their values and the way
they actually move through time, that is, their priorities.
[Source in research: Interviews]
1-37
8. Trust. Trust is the state that occurs when a person knows

that his or her partner acts and thinks to maximize that
person’s interests, and maximize that person’s benefits, not
just the partner’s own interests and benefits. In other words,
this means, “my partner has my back and is there for me.”
9. Commitment. Commitment means believing (and
acting on the belief ) that this relationship with this per-
son is completely one’s lifelong journey, for better or for
worse (meaning that if it gets worse we will both work to
improve it). It implies cherishing one’s partner’s positive
qualities and nurturing gratitude about what one has with
this person by comparing ones partner favorably with real
or imagined others, rather than trashing one’s partner by
magnifying one’s partner’s negative qualities, and nurturing
resentment by comparing one’s partner unfavorably with
real or imagined others.
Three Domains for Therapeutic Goals & Bi-directional

influences. There is a bi-directional relationship between
parts of the Sound Relationship House. This is illustrated
in the following Venn diagram. The floors of the Sound
Relationship House are also interconnected because the
narratives, dreams, metaphors, and myths about relationship
actually cycle back to the foundation, which is knowing one
another.
CONSTRUCTIVE CONFLICT FRIENDSHIP/INTIMACY

POSITIVE AFFECT
SHARED MEANING
Figure. The three domains for therapeutic goals, showing bi-directional influences
1-38
1.6. More About.........

In a first reading of the manual, it’s okay to skip these “more
about” sections. They provide more detail about parts of the
theory and its evolving empirical basis.
1.6.1. More About Emotional Disengagement in Relationships

A finding that came as a surprise to us is that there are
many times when you will see relationships that do not
have the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and the couple
interaction is not characterized by high levels of negativity,
and yet these people will eventually divorce. The couple may
also be talking about how they have adjusted to things and
that everything is really okay. Still the relationship can be
highly problematic, because the couple may be in the stages
of emotional disengagement and inadvertently arranging
their lives so that they are in parallel. They can be in the
advanced stages of the Distance and Isolation Cascade and
still be acting as if everything is okay, because they are try-
ing to adapt to this state of their relationship. They may not
really know themselves that they are withdrawing emotion-
ally from the relationship.
The California Divorce Mediation Project reported that the
most common reason given for divorcing given by close to
80% of all men and women was gradually growing apart
and losing a sense of closeness, and not feeling loved and
appreciated. Severe and intense fighting were endorsed by
only 40% of the couples.
This absence of negativity in relationships can be confusing
for therapists, and they can wind up accepting the couple’s
portrayal that everything is fine, even when the couple has
presented themselves for couple therapy. The problem in
these cases is the emotional disengagement itself. What
is very clear in these couple interactions is the absence of
positive affect. This couple appears not to be making any
emotional connection, and there is almost no humor, affec-
tion, or even active interest in one another.
1-39
In these relationships, we see a complex prior pattern that

predicts later divorcing:
1. In affectlessness, the relationship appears to be emo-
tionally dead. There is no joy, no affection, no humor.
They are unresponsive to one another.
2. People are like passing ships in the night. They are miss-
ing each other, not connecting affectively. There is no
passion. They are emotionally unavailable to one an-
other.
3. They do not seem like close friends.
4. There is a lot of tension (facial tension, speech distur-
bances). There are low levels of negative affect (espe-
cially sadness), but they do not escalate.
5. They keep saying everything is okay, but, as Dan Wile
has noted, they appear to not feel entitled to their com-
plaints about the relationship, as if they should not re-
ally complain, that there is something wrong with them
for not being happier.
6. There may be a high level of physiological arousal of
one or both people during the conflict discussion.
7. There is little attempt on the part of either person to
soothe the other.
Intervention with these couples that tries to induce positive
affect will fail. It is likely to lead them to become hostile
with one another. Recall that it was positive affect in the
service of de-escalation and gentleness in the couple con-
flict resolution that characterized relationships that wound
up stable and happy, but this positivity cannot be induced.
It cannot be the target of therapeutic intervention. The
Sound Relationship House theory that follows will explain
how it just happens to be there, as if by magic. What the
partners need to do is to confront the distance and end
their withdrawal from one another. Loneliness is the key
index that something is wrong.
1-40
1.6.2. More About Anger: When is an Unpleasant Couple Pattern a

Symptom?
There is something to which we want to call your atten-
tion. It is a “negative finding,” something that didn’t pan out
as a predictor of divorce that is very important to debunk.
That is what is usually called “the cycle of negativity” by
therapists and “negative reciprocity” by researchers. In
research it is assessed by sequential analysis that computes
the conditional probability that one spouse will be affec-
tively negative after the partner has just been affectively
negative. It has been the single most consistent correlate of
couple dissatisfaction across laboratories (for a review, see
Gottman, 1994). However, we were able to test two forms
of that relationship (Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson,
1998). In one form we assess reciprocity in kind, like anger
being reciprocated with anger. In the other form we as-
sess escalation of negativity, in which milder negative affects
like anger and sadness are reciprocated by one of the Four
Horsemen. Longitudinal prediction research showed that
the reciprocation of negativity in kind is characteristic of all
relationships and does not predict divorce! Only the escala-
tion of negativity predicted divorce.
This means that the reciprocation of negative affect is not
a symptom you need to change. Anger exchanges do not
predict relationship breakup. Anger reciprocity seems to
be the most common response to one’s partner’s anger in
any kind of relationship. It may not be pleasant to observe
or be a part of, but it is characteristic of all relationships,
stable happy ones and dissolving ones. It need not be cor-
rected. This is an important point. Just because an interac-
tive behavior (like mutual, reciprocated anger) makes you,
the therapist, wince and squirm, does not mean you should
intervene clinically. It is normal and natural, albeit unpleas-
ant. This reciprocation of negativity is often given as a jus-
tification of the Active Listening or mirroring intervention
(Hendrix, 1988; Bader, personal communication, 1998).
Our data suggest that this intervention is a response only
to the therapist’s discomfort. It is not a couple pattern that
needs changing. However, there are many people whose
meta-emotion about anger equates anger with disrespect/
contempt, or their history with anger is connected to a
traumatic experience (for example a rageful parent, or a
great deal of parental fighting). For them anger and its re-
ciprocation is likely to lead to escalation. (See Carol Tavris’s
1-41
book Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion.) For these couples

it still may be a good idea to include as a component of the
therapy the management of anger and the partner’s esca-
lated reaction to anger.
1.6.3. More About Men Accepting Influence From Their Wives

Further investigation has revealed that in heterosexual
relationships this escalation of negativity is part of a pro-
cess of rejecting the partner’s influence. That is, people
escalate beyond their partner’s complaints as a way to shut
the partner down, and it is usually effective. We first saw
this in violent relationships (Coan, Gottman, & Jacobson,
1997). In that case the rejection of influence was by the
male perpetrator of the physical abuse. Then we investigated
whether there was rejection of influence by the wife, and
by the husband. We measured rejection of influence in the
sequences of escalation and saw what it predicted in terms
of the longitudinal outcome of the newlywed relation-
ships. For women rejecting influence from their husbands,
it predicted nothing. For men rejecting influence from their
wives, it predicted the longitudinal course of the relation-
ship. This was because women were already accepting their
husbands’ influence attempts at a fairly high level. For men
there was huge variability across the sample, and it pre-
dicted a lot.
This finding makes great sense given the period of social,
political, and historical changes we are living through in the
emancipation of women. Further investigation of accept-
ing influence revealed that it is correlated with the husband
actively seeking a common ground for agreement. This does
not mean compliance, it means men standing their ground
on the things for which they cannot yield and yielding on
other aspects of the problem. These are the ingredients
of “give and take,” of reasonableness, and of compromise.
Hence, compromise in finding a common ground for “yes”
has its roots in the very beginning of a problem discussion,
the agenda building phase in which accepting influence first
appears (Gottman, 1979).
These results suggested a great hypothesis of a “double play
combination” (to use a baseball analogy) in what we called
“emotionally intelligent” relationships. The two plays in-
clude softened startup by wives, and accepting influence
1-42
by husbands. Emotional responsiveness and interest by the

husband in his wife during non-conflict contexts leads to
softened startup. This yields a prescription: Earlier emo-
tional responsiveness by men leads to softened startup dur-
ing problem discussions by women, and if men accept their
influence, then the relationship may have repair attempts
during conflict that are effective.
1.6.4. More About Dialogue With Perpetual Problems

We have now studied the stability of couple interaction over
a four-year period. We discovered remarkable stability in
these interaction patterns, particularly in affect. In looking
at the videotapes in most of the cases, it was as if the couple
had changed clothes and hairstyle, and continued talking
about the same or analogous issues in precisely the same
ways. In addition, we looked at the content of the interac-
tion. In classifying the topics of the discussions of major
areas of continuing disagreement, 69% of the time couples
were talking about a perpetual problem that they had had
in their relationship for many, many years. These were prob-
lems that usually had to do with fundamental differences
between them, or differences in personality or needs that
were fundamental to their core definition of self.
Only 31% of the discussions involved functional problem
solving, Sixteen percent of the perpetual issues involved
gridlocked couple conflict on these perpetual problems,
while 84% of them were conversations about perpetual
problems in which the couple was trying to establish a dia-
logue with the problem. We have concluded that instead of
solving problems, what seems to be important is whether or
not a couple can establish a dialogue with their perpetual
problems. This “dialogue” needs to feel good for it to be a
dialogue. To feel good, the couple makes their peace with
the problem to some degree. They may be able to push or
pull the problem about somewhat, and change their level
of frustration with the problem. They may come to some
acceptance of the problem. They seem to be able to simul-
taneously communicate acceptance of the partner and the
desire to improve this perpetual problem somewhat. They
communicate amusement and affection. However, if they
cannot establish such a dialogue, the conflict becomes grid-
locked, and gridlocked conflict eventually leads to emotional
disengagement.
1-43
Hence, the goal of most of the therapy around problem sol-

ving ought to be to help the couple move from a gridlocked
conflict on a perpetual problem to a dialogue about the
perpetual problem. The goal is not to solve the problem. In
either case the problem remains perpetual.
An example is one couple where the wife described the
husband as a loner who only begrudgingly did things with
the family. They quoted one another having arguments. The
husband started to quote himself when the wife supplied
his quote, saying that he always says “Alright, I’ll go.” Then
the husband added that he says, “Okay, sure, anything you
say, dear.” The wife then added, “We still continue to do
that,” and the husband then said, with a chuckle, “We don’t
even disagree good, do we?” Do you see this pattern? They
had developed a relationship with the perpetual problem.
They were amused by their own perpetual problem, and
did not consider it to be a major issue that caused pain or
couple gridlock. They could even laugh at it.
These problems are issues without resolution that the
couple has often been dealing with for many years. They
continue to talk about the issue, occasionally making some
progress, or at least making the situation better for a short
time, but then, after a while, the problem reemerges. In
each case the couple discussion is an attempt to establish a
dialogue with the problem, which, admittedly, will never go
away or ever be fully resolved. The problem has the quality
like that of a chronic physical condition that one needs to
adapt to, but never cure. The dialogue is the adaptation to
this persistent, perpetual problem.
When the problem is perpetual but gridlocked, the couple
has become entrenched in their respective positions, refus-
ing to engage in any give and take (accepting influence);
they have been very hurt and there is vilification of one an-
other. There is very little positive affect in these discussions,
and some of the Four Horsemen are present.
Research into these problems suggests that people and
therapists need to change their expectations about solv-
ing their fundamental problems in the relationship. We
encourage couples to think of these relationship problems
1-44
as inevitable, much the way we learn to deal with chronic

physical ailments as we get older. The chronic back pain, the
trick knee or tennis elbow or irritable bowel do not go away,
but we learn to accept them.
We keep trying to make things a little better all the time,
but we learn to live with these problems and manage our
world so as to minimize them. So it is in all relationships.
This is very much like something Dan Wile wrote in a book
called, After the Honeymoon, in 1988. He wrote that “choos-
ing a partner is choosing a set of problems.” (p.12). He said
that problems would be a part of any relationship, and that
a particular person would have some set of problems no
matter who that person married. For example:
Paul married Alice and Alice gets loud at parties and

Paul, who is shy, hates that. But if Paul had married
Susan, he and Susan would have gotten into a fight
before they even got to the party. That’s because Paul
is always late and Susan hates to be kept waiting.
She would feel taken for granted, which she is very
sensitive about. Paul would see her complaining about
this as her attempt to dominate him, which he is very
sensitive about. If Paul had married Gail, they wouldn’t
have even gone to the party because they would still
be upset about an argument they had the day before
about Paul’s not helping with the housework. To Gail
when Paul does not help she feels abandoned, which
she is sensitive about, and to Paul Gail’s complaining is
an attempt at domination, which he is sensitive about.
The same is true about Alice. If she had married Steve,
she would have the opposite problem, because Steve
gets drunk at parties and she would get so angry at his
drinking that they would get into a fight about it. If she
had married Lou, she and Lou would have enjoyed the
party but then when they got home the trouble would
begin when Lou wanted sex because he always wants
sex when he wants to feel closer, but sex is something
Alice only wants when she already feels close.
Wile wrote:
...there is value, when choosing a long-term partner,

in realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a
particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be
grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.
1-45
(p.13). The goal of that part of our intervention that

deals with problem solving is not to try to get couples
to resolve all their problems, but to transform the
gridlocked perpetual problems into perpetual problems
with which the couple has a dialogue. Less than a third
of their problems will have real solutions. With these,
we can teach problem solving skills.
This concept of having perpetual problems is not so far
fetched. After all, does any one of us have a relationship,
with siblings, or friends that is perfect? Unlikely that this
is the case. In fact, after having a friend over for an evening
we are unlikely to say anything like, “I was expecting far
more intimacy and community tonight. This friendship is
over!” Instead we have learned to accept our friends as they
are, grateful for what they do offer us, and accepting of their
limitations. The only perfect relationship would probably
result from us cloning ourselves as a member of the op-
posite sex, and we probably wouldn’t be attracted to that
person.
There is a Woody Allen film in which he is searching
for the perfect woman, and he finds the perfect woman’s
body, but her brain is very limited, and he finds the perfect
woman’s brain, but the body is unattractive to him. So he
gets a famous neurosurgeon to perform a delicate operation
in which the brains are switched. He now has one woman
with the perfect body and the perfect brain, and a second
woman with an imperfect body and an imperfect brain.
Then he proceeds to fall in love with the second woman!
What we have discovered through research is that what is
important is not solving the perpetual problem, but rather
it is the affect that surrounds the discussion of the per-
petual problem. The question is, “Is there any positive affect
at all during the conflict discussion?” Or have the Four
Horsemen taken over? Are they gridlocked on this per-
petual problem?
1-46
1.6.5 More About Bringing Relationship Into the Social Psychology

Laboratory: Proximal Change Experiments
Since we could predict what was going to happen to the
relationship based upon couple interaction, we designed
proximal change experiments whose modest goal was only
to improve the second of two conversations a couple has in
the lab, so that in the second they would look more like a
couple on a trajectory toward a stable and happy relation-
ship. We have done a series of brief intervention studies
evaluating the effectiveness of eight specific parts of our in-
tervention program. In this way we have built up a therapy
from effective building blocks.
2-1
2. Assessment: Overview
2.1. Introduction
We are aware of the fact that many clinicians doing couples
therapy do not do a formal assessment of the relationship
before beginning treatment. Many clinicians feel that they
are cheating the couple when they start with an assessment
instead of immediate treatment. They see two people in
great distress who want help immediately, and they want
to give them that help. These are noble motives. We un-
derstand how clinicians feel about wanting to get started
helping right away.
However, we want to urge clinicians to change their think-
ing about assessment. If you went to a doctor and the doc-
tor did not take the time to do a careful assessment, do tests
that are relevant, ask you questions about your complaints
and their history, but instead just asked you to roll up your
sleeve and receive an injection of “therapeutic serum,” and
to just trust the process, wouldn’t you be alarmed? In the
same way, we urge you to take the time to do a careful as-
sessment of the relationship’s strengths and areas that need
improvement BEFORE beginning treatment. We also urge
you to then give the couple feedback about their relation-
ship, formulate goals together for treatment, and talk about
where to begin and how the therapy will work. The time
will be very well spent. If you don’t know where you are go-
ing, it doesn’t help to drive faster.
What follows is a guide for the therapist. It is intended to
help conceptual thinking and help organize what therapists
do. Communicating the plan of the assessment and the
treatment is very important in building the couple’s expec-
tations about what is going to happen and why.
2-2
2.2. The Couple’s Experience Coming into the

Assessment Phase
The couple’s experience is, of course, very different from the
therapist’s. The partners are often in a great deal of pain and
quite desperate. In many cases, they will have started mak-
ing progress from the time they make the appointment to
see you and the first interview. In some cases there is dif-
ferential commitment and expectations for the therapy. One
person may want out of the relationship and the other may
want to stay together. Most commonly, the couple comes in
with the belief that if they could only solve their problem
issues, they would be happy. This is not so, as the theory of
the Sound Relationship House suggests. But the couple has
two stories to tell, and they are desperate to tell them, and
to begin to understand the sources of their pain. They need
a sounding board for their pain, and they are often looking
for understanding and hope.
So this assessment is not an intellectual exercise for the
couple, but a very emotional one. You will be assessing the
core issues in their relationship and observing the way they
typically deal with these issues together. For most couples
the idea of process, even filling out questionnaires, intro-
duces a new language and an entirely new way of thinking
about their relationship. And filling out a questionnaire can
induce insight for a couple. It can even be a powerful expe-
rience. When answering these questions, couples typically
think that they are right and their partner is wrong. They
typically view the therapy as a way to fix major disorders
in their partner, with perhaps some minor adjustments for
themselves. This is what Fritz Heider called the “fundamen-
tal attribution error”, or attributing the sources of relation-
ship problems to the other and not to oneself. So as you
can see, assessment is, by itself, a very powerful experience
for the couple. It guides the development of how they enter
and think about therapy and relationship change.
For the clinician, assessment guides your treatment plan for
this couple, and perhaps for them as individual clients. The
framework we provide here is an intellectual framework to
guide you through the assessment process. Even during as-
sessment you will be building a deep therapeutic alliance.
2-3
2.3. Three Sessions

The assessment is done in three sessions. In the first session
you will meet with the couple together for 80–90 minutes.
In the second session you will meet with each of them in-
dividually for 45 minutes each. In the third session you will
meet with the two of them again for 80–90 minutes
2-4
2.4. When Is Couple Therapy Contra-Indicated or In

Need of Supplementation?
You will need to decide when couple therapy is contra-indi-
cated. For us this involves the following:
• Couple therapy is contra-indicated when there is an on-
going extra-couple affair (secret or revealed). The inter-
views and questionnaires attempt to collect information
about affairs. It is often hard to know if the affair is over
or ongoing.
• Couple therapy is contra-indicated when there is
ongoing characterological domestic violence. There are
two types of domestic violence, situational and charac-
terological. In characterological violence the violence
is extreme and there is a clear perpetrator and a clear
victim. Violence is used to control and intimidate the
victim. Situational violence is an argument that has
gone out of control and there is milder violence that is
symmetrical and does not cause injury or evoke fear and
intimidation. We can treat situational violence but not
characterological violence. The questionnaires contain a
screening instrument for distinguishing these two forms
of violence.
The questionnaires (especially the SCL-90) also help in
considering possible referrals to a psychiatrist for the evalu-
ation of co-morbid psychopathology. Also, consider refer-
ral to a physician for possible medical problems that have
emerged (e.g., a health issue, chronic pain, and so on) if
they are not being treated.
• More specific questions follow about each of these
treatment components.
2-5
2.5. What Is The Nature of the Couple’s Friendship?

Now, in terms of the details of the assessment, let’s look
at how we evaluate the quality of each component of the
couple’s relationship. To assess the strength of the couple’s
friendship, we do an abbreviated Oral History Interview
in the first assessment session, using the Buehlman Oral
History Codes to look for positive affect between the
partners. (The questions from this interview are in Chapter
3). We also observe the couple’s presence or lack of affec-
tion and respect. (How are they sitting? How do they look
at one another? Do they finish each other’s sentences? Are
they touching or holding each other? Are there compli-
ments? Are they proud of one another?) Throughout the
assessment, in general, we look for evidence of:
• Positive Affect (Interest, excitement, affection, humor,

validation, amusement, pleasure, joy)
• The Fondness and Admiration System: Affection &

Respect
• We-ness
• Cognitive Room (Love Maps)
• Negativity
• Chaos
• Disappointment
Assessment also continues throughout the therapy. For ex-
ample, when we assess how the partners talk to each other
in a non-conflict context like reunions at the end of the day
in which they talk about how their day went, we look for
requited (reciprocated) interest, excitement, humor, affec-
tion, and validation or support. We look for an active en-
gaged listener, who gives cues to the speaker that he or she
is tracking the speaker and with the speaker emotionally.
We also look for signs of emotional deadness and emotional
disengagement.
2-6
We want to know how partners think of one another when

they are not together to see if there is an active Fondness &
Admiration system in place, and how they move through
time together and prioritize their lives. We may wish to
sample their events of the day discussions, and their stress-
reducing conversations. The clinician could ask them to
map out a typical week day, and a typical weekend day, a
vacation, a getaway. We are interested in how they renew
themselves and each other when they are fatigued and
highly stressed. We want to know their daily rituals of leave
taking in the morning, reunion, eating together, and what
these rituals mean to them.
An important part of what we are always on the lookout for
is meta-emotion discrepancy. We look to see if one person
is emotion dismissing while the other is emotion coaching.
These ideas are discussed more fully in John’s books, Meta-
Emotion, and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The
Heart of Parenting. If one person thinks being emotionally
expressive is healthy but the other person thinks it is inap-
propriate, out of control, throwing gasoline on an open fire,
and so on, we use the Meta-Emotion Scale to look for this
mismatch, in which we assess how emotion dismissing each
partner is.
The Gottman 19-Areas checklist also helps to assess friend-
ship, especially the following areas:
• Emotional Engagement
• Life style needs being similar or different
• Passion and romance in the relationship
• Sexual satisfaction and intimacy
• Fun
• Spiritual Connection
We want to know how accepted or rejected the partners
feel, or how criticized and basically disliked they feel. We
want to know how the couple is handling the daily stresses
and hassles of life and whether they feel like their partner
is their friend and ally, or if they feel alone and lonely. The
Gottman Loneliness in Relationship scale is also helpful
here.
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2.6. What Kind of Sentiment Override Is There?

Put simply, we want to know if people have a chip on their
shoulder and are hypervigilant for sleights. These senti-
ments override moment-to-moment patterns of positivity
or negativity. Negative sentiment override makes people
discount neutral or positive statements and see them in-
stead as hostile, personal attacks. Positive sentiment over-
ride means that people see irritable statements as if they
were just stated in italics for emphasis, and they perceive
this as important information, not as hostility. Interestingly,
people with Positive Sentiment Override also find their
partner’s humor really funny, and are physiologically calmed
by their partner’s humor. In our data men are particularly
important here, so we especially look for guys not getting
defensive when their wives are angry, and really finding
their wives’ sense of humor and wit delightful.
Negative Sentiment Override is assessed with the Sound
Relationship House Scale designed for that purpose. We
also look for behavioral evidence, such as the following:
• Do people have a “chip on their shoulder,” that is, are

they hypervigilant to attack and defensiveness? What
is the anatomy of attack during their quarrels? What is
the anatomy of defensiveness in this relationship?
• How frequently and successfully do partners make

repair attempts during conflict discussions?
• How do humor and anger get responded to?

• How do they perceive one another’s anger and humor?
Using video replay, we can play back specific moments
on their videotape and talk about how they were feel-
ing at a given moment and whether or not they have
an Innocent Victim or a Righteous Indignation self-
perception.
• How much do they feel flooded by the way their part-

ner complains? We can use the Flooding Questionnaire,
and the physiological measurements taken during the
first session to evaluate each partner’s physiology and
ability to self-soothe.
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We directly measure physiological responses during the

conflict interaction in Session 1. If the clinician doesn’t have
a pulse oximeter, ask the couple to take their heart rate by
placing two fingers just over their carotid artery (under the
jaw line below the right ear) and count how many beats
there are in 15 seconds. Then multiply by 4. If flooded, the
heart rate will race at or above 95 beats per minute, or in
athletes, at or above 85 beats per minute.
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2.7. What Is The Nature of Conflict and Its

Regulation?
How do we evaluate the quality of conflict management
in the couple? Look for the following during the conflict
discussion in the first assessment session, and throughout
the treatment:
• Is there Softened or Harsh Startup?

• Are the Four Horsemen present (Criticism, Defensive-
ness, Contempt, or Stonewalling)?
• Do the partners accept influence from each other, or

not?
• Do they De-Escalate and Repair their interactions, or

not?
• Do they reach Compromise, or not?

• Is there positive affect while they discuss their problem
(interest, asking questions, humor, fun, playful teasing,
affection, positive excitement, appreciations, support,
empathy, or validation), or not?
Also, look for the following for either or both partners:
• Vilification
• Seeing one another as enemies
• Feeling unaccepted and criticized
• Having entrenched positions with polarization
• Having a fear of Accepting Influence
Or is there Emotional Disengagement? Not all these
patterns need to be there, but is there a sense of a “dead”
relationship, of the people arranging their lives in parallel,
becoming increasingly lonely, of being passing ships in the
night? Look for:
• Tension, particularly facial tension

• Almost no positive affect
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• Physiological arousal
• People telling each other that everything is okay, which
is symptomatic of a sense of feeling un-entitled to one’s
complaints
• Loneliness
The Distance and Isolation Scale can be useful here to

assess emotional disengagement. The strange thing about
disengagement is that sometimes people act like they are
unaware that it is going on, but then once the Dreams-
Within-Conflict intervention is used, they freely talk about
it. So the process of emotional disengagement is conscious,
but sometimes people are telling themselves things like,
“Just adapt, try to be happy with what you have, don’t be
unrealistic, it will all be all right.” But inside, deep down,
they don’t believe this, and are making preparations to get
out of the relationship or at least to become more distant
emotionally.
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2.8. In What Ways Are They Able to Honor One

Another’s Life Dreams and Create Shared
Meaning?
We want to assess the partners’ individual life goals, their
missions, their dreams, and so on. We can get a sense of
these dimensions of their life from our shared meanings
questionnaires, parts of their narrative, and the abbreviated
Oral History Interview. This dimension is about the
family culture, with a small “c.” In our view, everyone is a
philosopher, attempting to create meaning in his or her own
individual life, and attempting to create shared meaning in
their relationships and families. Every family is the creation
of a new culture, and some relationships involve the union
of two very different cultures also. But even if two people
are coming from the same regional, cultural, ethnic, and
religious background, they will have been raised in two very
different families, and their merging involves the creation
of a unique and new culture. What does a “home” mean,
for example? It will mean very different things to different
people. Very simple and everyday things like money can
have huge symbolic value. For instance, money can be about
power, or freedom, or competence, or self-worth, or success,
to mention just a few.
The same is true for things like “fun,” “family dinner times,”
or “love,” or “illness,” or being a “provider,” or “being a
Johnson (or whatever the name is).” In endless array all
these are concepts about meaning. That’s what culture is
all about. You can never understand how people react to
things in a relationship, and the two partners will never
understand one another, unless meanings are explored.
Even the most trivial-seeming conflict in a relationship
often has great symbolic meaning.
In exploring this dimension of a relationship in therapy
which often occurs during interventions, we can start by
asking the couple about fundamental rituals, roles, and
symbolic meanings in their lives. We can ask them to bring
in their photo albums, if they have them, with photos
not only of their own family, but also photos of their two
childhoods. We have an interview to get at concepts that
are now understood by some as being within the realm of
“spirituality.” The interview has four parts and is called,
“Goals, Symbols, Roles, and Rituals of Connection.”
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The interview helps couples to explore common ground as

well as differences.
This process of exploring meaning also helps to elucidate
each partner’s life dreams. Part of the therapy work is to
help couples learn to honor one another’s life dreams. Each
person can provide support and tolerance, or the couple can
actually share in fulfilling these dreams more fully. Couples
may have found ways of honoring each other’s dreams.
Or they may be gridlocked because they can’t honor
one another’s dreams on any level. This is all important
information.
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2.9. Assessing Selected Potential Resistances

We start looking for where the couple is located on the
cascade toward divorce. We also assess the following:
• Differential commitment to the relationship and

different hopes and expectations for therapy.
• Betrayals, current or past. This includes couple violence,

emotional abuse, and extra-couple affairs.
• Psychopathology, including suicide potential,

depression, eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse,
addictions, and personality disorders (particularly
depression, antisocial personality disorder, borderline, or
narcissistic personality disorder).
• Past Trauma, either within this relationship or in other

parts of people’s past, particularly the presence of
posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or sexual, mental
or physical abuse history.
• Conflict in Values, with respect to relationships and

their importance. Often this involves points of view
about balance between work and family.
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2.10. Assessing Chaos

Some couples are unable to manage the basic tasks of
being married. These tasks include holding a job, managing
financially, having an everyday schedule they can rely on,
and so on. Various problems may make it impossible for
them to accomplish having a non-chaotic life (i.e. alcohol
or drug abuse, psychopathology, previous traumas). We
have a scale that assesses Chaos in our Oral History
Interview. This chaotic dimension is assessed by responses
that show that things are always happening to the couple
like surprising events and catastrophes they keep having to
adjust to, instead of their primarily being the architects of
their own journey in life. If couples are in chaos they may
need more help gaining control over the parts of their lives
that they can control, even if they can’t control everything.
We’ve discussed the basic components of how to conduct
an assessment and what to look for. What follows is more
detail about each assessment session and then the packet of
questionnaires that couples receive and fill out.
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3. Assessment: Session 1
3.1. Summary
There are 8 parts to the first session.
1. Welcoming them. For a few minutes, we begin by

welcoming the couple to our office and building a
connection with each of them.
2. Office Disclosure Statement. Washington state

law requires psychologists to go over a written office
disclosure statement the therapist hands each of them.
The office disclosure statement tells the clients about
you, your credentials, your philosophy of treatment,
what they can expect, office policies, confidentiality
and the limits of confidentiality. We review the fact
that in this therapy there is an assessment phase that
will require them to take part in this interview, fill out
some questionnaires, and be videotaped talking about
an area of disagreement for 10 minutes, during which
we will use a finger pulse oximeter to measure their
heart rates and the percent of oxygen in their blood. We
show them the video monitor, which is sometimes used
for video playback, and we say, “Sometimes we may
watch a tape of an interaction and see where we each
think it has gone off the cliff.” Then we talk about being
interviewed individually in the next session. Finally, we
tell them that in the third session we will summarize
what we see as the strengths in their relationships
and the areas that need improvement, and that in that
session we will talk about the goals of the therapy. This
takes about 10 minutes. We ask them if they have any
questions.
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3.1.1. An Overview of Gottman Method Couples Therapy That May Be

Included in Your Therapist Disclosure Form
Following is an overview of Gottman Method Couples Therapy. This description may be
added to your Therapist Disclosure Statement. It is not intended to be a complete disclo-
sure document. Applicable federal and state laws must be followed.
• An excellent website resource for a general Sample Psychotherapist-Client Contract
is on the website of The American Psychological Association Insurance Trust. Go to:
http://www.apait.org/apait/resources/articles/ and follow the links to: Resources g
Education Center g Sample Forms and Contracts g Sample Informed Consent
Contract. You may also want to check with your professional organization for other
resources.
Overview of Gottman Method Couples Therapy

The Gottman Method of Couples Therapy is based on Dr. John Gottman’s research that
began in the 1970’s and continues to this day. The research has focused on what makes re-
lationships succeed or fail. From this research, Drs. John and Julie Gottman have created
a method of therapy that emphasizes a “nuts-and-bolts” approach to improving clients’
relationships.
This method is designed to help teach specific tools to deepen friendship and intimacy in
your relationship. To help you productively manage conflicts, you will be given methods
to manage “resolvable problems” and dialogue about “gridlocked” (or perpetual) issues. We
will also work together to help you appreciate your relationship’s strengths and to gently
navigate through its vulnerabilities.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy consists of five parts:

• Assessment
• Treatment
• “Phasing Out” of Therapy
• Termination
• Outcome Evaluation
Early in the assessment phase, you will be given some written materials to complete that
will help us better understand your relationship. In the first sessions we will talk about the
history of your relationship, areas of concern, and goals for treatment.
In the next session, I will meet with you individually to learn each of your personal histo-
ries and to give each of you an opportunity to share thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. In
the final session of assessment, I will share with you my recommendations for treatment
and work to define mutually agreed upon goals for your therapy.
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Most of the work will involve sessions where you will be seen together as a couple.
However, there may be times when individual sessions are recommended. I may also give
you exercises to practice between sessions.
The length of therapy will be determined by your specific needs and goals. In the course
of therapy, we will establish points at which to evaluate your satisfaction and progress.
Also, I will encourage you to raise any questions or concerns that you have about therapy
at any time.
In the later stage of therapy, we will “phase out” or meet less frequently in order for you
to test out new relationship skills and to prepare for termination of the therapy. Although
you may terminate therapy whenever you wish, it is most helpful to have at least one ses-
sion together to summarize progress, define the work that remains, and say good-bye.
In the outcome-evaluation phase, as per the Gottman Method, four follow-up sessions
are planned: one after six months, one after twelve months, one after eighteen months,
and one after two years. These sessions have been shown through research to significantly
decrease the chances of relapse into previous, unhelpful patterns. In addition, commit-
ment to providing the best therapy possible requires ongoing evaluation of methods used
and client progress. The purpose of these follow-up sessions then will be to fine-tune
any of your relationship skills if needed, and to evaluate the effectiveness of the therapy
received.
Assessments and Fees

Fees for the assessment of your therapy are based on the number of hours needed to com-
plete the three-step process. Generally, the assessment requires about 4 to 4 ½ hours in 3
to 4 in-office sessions. It also requires 1 to 2 hours of paperwork.
The components of the assessment are as follows:
Session #1 Intake Interviews 80-90 minutes
Session #2 Individual Interviews 45 minutes/ ea. (90 total)
Session #3 Treatment Planning 80-90 minutes
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PERMISSION FOR DIGITALLY

RECORDING AND VIDEOTAPING
THERAPY SESSIONS
Therapist’s Explanation:
As a primary tool in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and in order to augment your therapy
work, I use videotape feedback as part of therapy sessions. This means that I may ask to video-
tape you during specific dialogues or exercises, or during entire sessions. We will play back these
tapes in sessions to help you see patterns of behavior between the two of you and to help you
process conflicts. By viewing the videotapes in sessions, it allows us to “stop action” and process
how you might approach a conflict in a more productive way. It also allows you to witness your
progress as your relationship becomes more satisfying to both of you.
In addition to in-session use, I may wish to use the videotapes to receive consultation from Drs.
John or Julie Gottman or an independently practicing clinician who has received training from
The Gottman Institute, or to provide such training. This may occur during the time of treatment
or thereafter for purposes of peer review, education and quality assurance. During this process,
your name will be kept confidential. In addition, all matters discussed in consultations will
remain completely confidential within The Gottman Institute staff. The videotapes are not part
of your clinical record and will be used for no other purpose without your written permission and
they will be erased when they are no longer needed for these purposes.
These tapes are my property and will remain solely in my possession during the course of your
therapy. Copies may be sent to The Gottman Institute for the purposes noted above. Should you
wish to review these tapes for any reason, we will arrange a session to do so. These materials will
remain in locked facilities at all times.
Clients’ Agreement
I understand and accept the conditions of this statement and give my permission to have my
therapy sessions videotaped or digitally recorded. I understand I may revoke this permission
in writing at any time but until I do so it shall remain in full force and effect until the purposes
stated above are completed.
Client Date
(signature)
Client Date
(signature)
Therapist Date
(signature)
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THERAPIST RELEASE
ATTESTATION
I hereby certify that all clients who appear on video tape or DVD have authorized the release of
these taped sessions in writing, pursuant to the laws of the state and country in which I practice,
for the purposes of peer review, education and consultation by therapists associated with The
Gottman Institute. I certify that I have included in the release the particular usages provided
by The Gottman Institute found in the “Permission for Digitally Recording and Videotaping
Therapy Sessions” form.
Therapist Name
(print)
Therapist Name Date

(signature)
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3. Their narrative. After describing the assessment

process, we ask them to tell us the story of what brings
them into therapy at this time. As they talk we take
notes. We make sure to ask them about previous
therapies they have had, and medications they may be
taking. The therapist says something like, “Let’s begin
with you telling me the story of what brings you here,
what you’re hoping to accomplish in coming here, and
what some of your nightmares may be in coming here—
what you don’t want to see happen.” This usually takes
about 15 minutes.
4. Oral History Interview. Next we do a reduced

combined interview, which asks them about the history
and philosophy of their relationship. The first question
in the Oral History Interview is, “Let’s go back now
and tell me how the two of you met. What were your
first impressions of one another?” We ask about the
major transitions in their life together. This usually
takes about 20 minutes. Learn the exact form of the
questions (memorize them) because we have developed
these questions over many years, and the exact form
gives us the best results of people talking openly about
their relationship.
5. Family histories. We ask them to briefly tell us

about their families growing up, starting with a question
like, “I’d like to get some sense of your primary families
growing up. What was your family like?” This takes
about 10 minutes.
6. Videotape a conflict interaction. We then have

them identify an issue in their relationship, an area of
continuing disagreement that is a problem for both of
them. They have usually talked about some of these
problems in their narrative, but we take a few minutes
to help them identify an issue and become specific
about a recent example of how this issue emerged. We
say something like, “I’d like to make a videotape of
the two of you trying to resolve this issue. I know this
is somewhat artificial, but I won’t be saying anything
for these 10 minutes. Talk to each other as if you were
home alone. We want to see how you naturally discuss
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a disagreement and where you might get stuck.” Then

we make a videotape of the two of them talking to each
other. Altogether, this takes about 10 to 15 minutes.
7. Instructions for the individual sessions. We

explain that the next time we meet we will be seeing
them individually for 45 minutes, and that there is
no confidentiality from one another in these sessions,
because couple therapy cannot work with secrets. We
tell them how to fill out the questionnaires online, or
give them paper copies of the questionnaires to bring
with them for the individual session, filling them out
alone. If they are done online, it’s possible for the
therapist to have the automatic scoring results before
their individual session. This takes 5 minutes.
8. Parting. We tell them that we understand how

difficult it is to talk about these personal matters with
a therapist and thank them for trusting us with this
delicate information, and we ask them if they have any
questions.
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3.2. The Couple’s Narrative

Always begin by asking the couple to tell you the story of
what brings them into therapy at this time. You can say:
“Let’s begin by you telling me the story of what brings

you here at this time, what you’d like to see happen,
what you wouldn’t like to see happen and what the
issues are you’d like to deal with.”
The therapist then listens to their story, making sure to hear
from each partner. Ask them about prior therapy, what was
successful or unsuccessful. They may have fears, shame,
worries, or expectations for the treatment. This is the place
to listen to all of this. They have a story to tell and need a
place to tell it. So begin here.
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3.3. The Oral History Interview
3.3.1. Major Dimensions Tapped by the Oral History Interview
• Cognitive Room or what we call The Love Map

• Fondness and Admiration System
• We-ness (what is the common ground in the relation-
ship?)
• Negativity
• Disappointment
• Chaos: A sense that they have little control over events.
• Their philosophy of relationship, especially “Glorifying
the Struggle” or “Couple Efficacy.”
• What the couple thinks is a good time, how to get over

hard times, the parental couple systems, their own cre-
ation of the couple culture.
• Shared or unshared meta-emotion structure around

anger, sadness, fear, pride, shame.
• Their transition to parenthood, parental agendas with

each child, emotion coaching or emotion dismissing
philosophy, parenting issues.
• Can also get at gender stereotype, relationships with

parents, and their philosophy with respect to conflict
avoidance or engagement.
3.3.2. How to Do An Oral History Interview

This interview is based on the work of Studs Terkl. Terkl
was interested in creating radio programs, so he invented an
interviewing style that is very different from a clinical inter-
view. He avoided the usual vocal backchannels (“um hmm”,
etc.) that clinical interviewers and therapists employ, be-
cause these are annoying on a radio show. At the end of the
subjects’ responses Terkl would gesture and respond with
great energy and emotion, and then ask another question
and be quiet. He could then splice himself out of the tapes
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and have a long segment of just the subject talking.

The Oral History Interview was developed over a period
of more than a year by Lowell Krokoff (in collaboration
with John Gottman). It began as an interview that lasted
many hours and was pared down to a research interview
that typically takes from 1 to 2 ½ hours. Kim Buehlman, in
our laboratory, developed the Oral History Coding System,
which is the quantitative rating of the interview along sev-
eral dimensions. This system is taught in the Level II train-
ing. The Buehlman dimensions alone predicted divorce or
stability in married couples over a 4-year period with 94%
accuracy (using discriminant function analysis). [Reference:
Buehlman, K., Gottman, J.M., & Katz, L., (1992). How
a couple views their past predicts their future: predicting
divorce from an oral history interview, Journal of Family
Psychology, 5(3-4), 295-318]
The Oral History Interview is a semi-structured interview,
which means that you should know the questions fairly
well, and pick the ones that are most pertinent for this
couple. For example, if they had no children, you would not
ask them the question about their transition to parenthood.
Here are the dimensions that you will be exploring with the
help of this interview:
3.3.3. Buehlman Dimensions to Look at in the Oral History Interview

The following are the dimensions we score (using the
Buehlman Coding System) in research from the Oral
History Interview that are predictive of the future course of
the relationship.
Love Maps, or Cognitive Room. How much did the
couple recall about specific times in their relationship? This
relates to how much cognitive room you think that they are
allocating in their brains to this relationship and to know-
ing their partner’s inner world. To evaluate this, we find
that when asked about some aspect of their lives together,
some event, or about their spouse, some people have a lot
to say, and give lots of detail, whereas some people seem
to not have stored very much information in their brains
about this. This is related to whether or not there is a
kind of “cognitive map” about the spouse’s world and the
relationship.
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Fondness and Admiration System. Were there spontane-

ous expressions of fondness and admiration expressed about
the partner? When they talked about past events, did they
think spontaneously of admirable and adorable qualities of
the spouse that emerged during these times?
Disappointment and Negativity. Were there spontane-
ous expressions and memories that the couple had that
expressed disappointment in the relationship, or in the
relationship partner? Was there direct or indirect hostility
expressed about or toward the partner?
We-ness. In the interview did you find that the two of
them emphasized words like “we” and “us” as opposed to
just talking about themselves as separate individuals, set
apart from one another? Did they wind up finishing each
other’s sentences? Or did you find that one was talking
about the “we” while the other was emphasizing separate-
ness and difference?
Glorifying the Struggle. This dimension refers to how
much they believe as a couple that they can be effective at
solving their couple problems. Some people call it “Couple
Efficacy.” Some couples will express the philosophy that
relationship is hard, that it is a struggle, but that it is worth
it. Do the two of them feel this way? Some couples have
the opposite expectation, that even before their conversa-
tion about an issue that they will get nowhere. Have they
expressed, in their relationship that struggling through a
problem was a potentially constructive experience? Do they
have the expectation that the two of them can indeed get
through a problem and solve it?
Chaos. Do they feel that negative things in life just “hap-
pen” to the two of them and that they have very little con-
trol over this state of affairs? Would you describe their lives
together as chaotic and out of control?
Stereotypic Roles, Traditionality. What differences be-
tween the two of them relate to gender differences in
emotional expression, or emotional responsiveness, and
their roles as spouses and parents? Would you describe their
couple roles as fairly traditional?
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Conflict-Avoiding versus Conflict-Engaging Couples.

Some couples minimize the emotional side of their couple
interaction, particularly conflict. They tend to avoid dis-
agreements. They also often minimize how intense their
interaction is, and they keep a lot of personal things private.
How much does a conflict avoiding style characterize this
relationship?
While we do not do a meta-emotion interview in the
assessment sessions, it will be helpful to talk about the
ideas in this interview. The meta-emotion interview taps
qualitative information about a person’s attitudes toward
emotion, and how these are reflected in the relationship.
The interview can be done jointly or individually. For more
information see the book Meta-Emotion by Gottman,
Katz, & Hooven (published in 1997 by Lawrence Erlbaum
Associates, Hillsdale, New Jersey). The meta-emotion
interview asks people about their feelings and philosophy,
and the history of their relationship with the emotions of
anger, sadness, fear, pride, affection, and love. It has become
the cornerstone of our research linking the couples’, parent-
child, and child-peer systems.
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3.3.4. The Oral History Questions—

The History and Philosophy of the Relationship
Here are the Oral History Questions that you may draw
from in your initial assessment session. Be sure to start
with the first three questions, then pick and choose from
there on. Questions 7, 9, and 10 are also very useful to in-
clude. Memorize the exact form of the questions, and then
feel free to improvise.
Part I: History of the Relationship
Question 1. Why don’t we start from the very beginning.
Let’s discuss how the two of you met and got together. Do
you remember the time you met for the first time? Tell me
about it. Was there anything about your partner that made
her (him) stand out? What were your first impressions of
each other?
Question 2. When you think back to the time you were
dating, before you got married (or committed to each
other), what do you remember? What stands out? How
long did you know each other before your commitment?
What do you remember of this period? What were some of
the highlights? Some of the tensions? What types of things
did you do together?
Question 3. Tell me about how the two of you decided to
get married or commit to each other. Of all the people in
the world, what led you to decide that this was the person
you wanted to be with? Was it an easy decision? Was it a
difficult decision? Were you ever in love? Tell me about this
time.
Question 4. Do you remember your wedding or commit-
ment ceremony? Tell me about it. Did you have a honey-
moon? What do you remember about it?
Question 5. When you think back to the first year you
were married (or living together), what do you remember?
Were there any adjustments to being married (or living
together)?
Question 6. What about the transition to becoming par-
ents? Tell me about this period of you relationship. What
was it like for the two of you?
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Question 7. Looking back over the years, what moments

stand out as the really good times in your relationship?
What were the really happy times? What is a good time for
you as a couple? Has this changed over the years?
Question 8. Many of the couples we’ve talked to say that
their relationships go through periods of ups and downs.
Would you say that this is true of your relationship?
Question 9. Looking back over the years, what moments
stand out as the really hard times in your relationship? Why
do you think you stayed together? How did you get through
these difficult times? What is your philosophy about how to
get through difficult times?
Question 10. How would you say your relationship is dif-
ferent from when you first got married? (Lots of people
have losses here; they have stopped doing things that once
gave them pleasure. Explore these with the couple.)
Part II. Your Philosophy of Relationship

Question 11. We’re interested in your ideas about what
makes a relationship work. Tell me about why you think
some relationships work while others don’t. Think of a
couple you know that has a particularly good relationship
and one that you know who has a particularly bad relation-
ship. Decide together which two couples these are. What
is different about these two relationships? How would you
compare your own relationship to each of these couples?
Question 12. Tell me about your parents’ relationships.
What was their relationship like? Would you say it’s very
similar or different from your own relationship?
Question 13. Tell me what you currently know about your
partner’s major worries, stresses, hopes and aspirations.
How do you stay in touch with one another on a daily
basis? What are your routines for staying in emotional
contact?
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3.4. The First Assessment Session—

Sampling Couple Conflict Interaction
We believe that it is absolutely critical that therapists ob-
serve direct interaction between partners, when they are not
talking to you, but just to each other. We think it is neces-
sary to obtain at least a sample of about 10 minutes of them
attempting to resolve an area of continuing disagreement.
3.4.1 Critical Behaviors to Observe During the Conflict Resolution

Discussion: Therapist Checklist
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
• Criticism
• Defensiveness
• Contempt
• Stonewalling
And their cousins:
• Belligerence
• Domineering
The other pattern you will see is Emotional Disengagement.
Here the Four Horsemen may not be present, but there is
very little emotionality at all. The partners are emotionally
disconnected, and there is very little or no positive affect
(except perhaps to reduce the high level of tension you will
sense). They will often be telling each other that everything
is fine. But they are really trying to adapt to the increas-
ing distance and isolation between them, continuing down
the Distance and Isolation Cascade, arranging their lives in
parallel, heading toward loneliness. They are really divorc-
ing emotionally. If you asked them if they were committed
to the relationship, they’d say “Yes”. But look carefully at
their Locke-Wallace scores and their Weiss-Cerretto scores.
They will often reveal a lot of problems they are no lon-
ger discussing. They have developed a sense that they are
not really entitled to their complaints. The therapy should
include the Dreams-Within-Conflict intervention to let the
couple be entitled to their complaints and not have to keep
3-16
them private. The interaction after an intervention may be

much more emotional than this disengaged interaction.
It will seem as if the therapist is making things worse, but
that is not the case. Nothing is worse than this emotional
deadness.
During the 10 minute conflict interaction, also look for:
• Repair attempts and their general success or failure

• Pursuer-Distancer Pattern
• Who really started the conversation? How hard was the
startup?
• Did they accept influence from one another, especially

the husband?
• Was there a pattern of respectful influence, give and

take?
• Did they compromise?

• Did they accept or reject one another’s personalities?
• How much positive affect was there?
• Interest
• Humor
• Affection, teasing
• Validation
• De-Escalation
• Was there emotional disengagement and affectlessness?
• Power
What are the attempts at influence, requests, demands, and
so on? What is the spouse’s response to these influence at-
tempts? Is there a sharing of power, or is it asymmetrical?
Is there a power struggle in the relationship? Is one partner
domineering, the other passive and compliant? Do you see a
pattern of passive aggressiveness?
3-17
During this observation of conflict, you may also want to

include physiological measurements. We will discuss these
later in this chapter, under the heading, “Assessment of
Physiology.”
At the end of your observation of conflict, you should hand
out to your clients the assessment written questionnaires
that follow. Ask your clients to fill them out and return
them to you at the time of their next individual assessment
session. Between the individual sessions and the third con-
joint assessment session, you will then have time to review
them, score them, and include them in your third assess-
ment session of treatment planning.
3.4.2 Use of Videotape

To facilitate both assessment and treatment, we strongly
urge you to invest in videotape equipment. In our practices,
we use a video recorder that has video playback capability.
This equipment costs about $200. It is not only a powerful
assessment device, but it will be useful for the couple ther-
apy for getting couples who are locked into an escalating
pattern to move to admitting mode. We highly encourage
you to videotape the 10 minute conflict interaction during
the first assessment session so that you will have a baseline
of how the couple manages conflict.
3.4.3 Assessing Physiology

How to do a Physiological Assessment:
It isn’t easy to include physiological assessment in your of-
fice work with couples, but we find it very helpful. There are
many heart rate monitors available today, even in sporting
goods stores. In medical equipment stores (such as stores
that sell wheelchairs) there is good equipment available for
measuring heart rate and blood pressure semi-automatically.
John uses a BCI-3040 pulse oximeter that has an alarm
setting for pulse and percent oxygen in the blood. These
are available for about $600 each from Narco Medical in
Fargo, North Dakota. Or better, go online and type in pulse
oximeter. With an oximeter, the partner simply sticks a
finger in a small tube (plethysmograph). We set the pulse
at 100 beat a minute (bpm) and the oxygen content at 95%.
When the partner elevates above 100 bpm or below 95%
blood oxygen content, an alarm will go off.
3-18
The use of physiology can be expanded productively to in-

clude treatment with biofeedback in individual sessions and
take home equipment. We use the Alpha-Stim equipment
that induces alpha brain waves and the Heart Math em-
wave device that increases heart rate variability and reduces
sympathetic nervous system activation. (Type Heart Math
into a search engine to learn more.) These devices are help-
ful for down-regulating anger and anxiety.
The partners’ overall health and physical fitness and resil-
ience will affect couple interaction and will tend to increase
tolerance for negativity. This is weird, but we have found
that physically fit people tend to tolerate higher levels of
negativity before really thinking something is wrong. So,
the assessment of physical health is important. Ascertain if
the couple is living with inordinately high levels of stress.
This assessment and the therapy emphasizes the need for
self- and partner-soothing, for making the relationship a
port in a storm, not another storm, in people’s lives.
• Baseline physiology. Since there are so many individual
differences in “resting” physiology, it has become com-
mon to obtain a baseline. We use two baselines: an “eyes
closed and relax” baseline, and a pre-conversation two-
minute baseline.
• Physiology during interaction. At any time you can
ask the couple to stop their interaction and take their
heart rate. Then also ask them what they were thinking
and feeling. The following cues are only suggested as a
guide. Use your clinical intuition, and look for a series
of cues before intervening in this way. It doesn’t mat-
ter if you are wrong, and the heart rate is low. You are
still sensitizing them to the fact that processes that are
going on in their bodies are going to affect their percep-
tions and interactions. They will start to get the idea
that they themselves ought to monitor their own bodies
to see if they are in a state of DPA, and, if so, to think
about taking a break (see the section on taking breaks in
the intervention part of this manual).
• Recovery. How long does it take people to recover from
physiological arousal? The recovery time is information
about overall conditioning and about the chronicity of
arousal in this relationship.
3-19
Moments to Ask People to Take Their Heart Rates:

Good times during assessment or during therapy to do this,
in our experience, are the following moments or indices.
This does not mean that every time you see one of these
indices, you should get a heart rate value. But if you see
several of them all together, it might be a good idea. These
signs are:
• Long eye closures or eyelid flutters (person has gone in-
side and may be censoring). [Paul Ekman’s suggestion.]
• Increases in any of the Four Horsemen: Criticism, de-
fensiveness, contempt, stonewalling.
• Arms akimbo position.
• Hips swiveled away from partner. [Elizabeth Fivaz-
Depeursinge’s suggestion.]
• No positive affect.
• Controlled facial expressions (chin boss tightens, lip or
inside cheek biting, hands to face).
• Anger: lips pressed together, or can’t see red part of up-
per lip.
• Sadness or distress: Darwin’s grief muscle. The inner
corners of the brows are drawn up and together and
medial brow furrows are created.
• Fear brow: the brows go straight across.
• Auto-involvements (like playing with hair) or involve-
ment with a prop (for example a pencil), or other “away”
behaviors that say “We are not here.”
• A movement from a chest to a head register in funda-
mental frequency. The voice gets higher.
• Any indication that someone has stopped breathing
regularly, or is taking shallow breaths. Sighs are usually
indicative of sadness. Whining means that the person is
feeling like an innocent victim.
• Non-ah speech disturbances like not finishing sentenc-
es, repetitions, slips of the tongue, omissions, stuttering.
Ah speech disturbances are people’s attempts to hold on
to the floor.
3-20
Physiological Recovery
Take people’s heart rates ten minutes after the conversation
and assess the percent return from the end of the conversa-
tion to the baseline. Most people whose heart rates go over
100 beats a minute will have recovered about 15% toward
baseline. Overall fitness and resilience may affect couple
interaction (tolerance for negativity).
The Assessment of Physical Health
It turns out that the self-report assessment of physical
health is valid. It predicts actual measures of morbidity and
mortality. In fact, it is better than measures one can obtain
by having physicians rate a person’s health after a thorough
physical exam. A variety of self-report measures can be
used to reliably assess physical health. For a long time we
have used the Cornell Medical Index in our research, but
some newer measures are available. Relationship quality
has long been known to be related to physical health, and
there is now evidence that it is related to immune system
functioning.
3.4.4 Other Interactions the Therapist Can Sample to Assess More About
the Strengths in the Relationship
The following are innovative methods we have used in
our research to understand more about the dynamics of a
couple’s relationship. If you wish, you can incorporate these
into your clinical assessment process as well. These meth-
ods are not part of our core Gottman Method assessment
process, but they can yield very interesting information.
Events of the day conversation and dinnertime:

They need to meet in your office at the end of a day,
after having been apart all day. Make sure they have
been apart. If not, send them home, and reschedule
the reunion. We ask them to sit quietly for 5 minutes
before they can start talking. A great diagnostic is if one
of them then says, “That was the longest 5 minutes,”
because this indicates that they couldn’t wait to talk to
each other. See if their faces brighten once they start
talking. This assesses the Fondness & Admiration
system’s presence. Assess the ratio of positive to
negative, and requited interest. Are they glad to see each
other?
3-21
Positive conversation: Here you will set up a

conversation they have about something they really
enjoy talking about. Look at the ratio of positive to
negative, and look for requited excitement. Does
one person’s excitement get snuffed by the other, or
reciprocated? They need to select a topic to discuss
that they really enjoy talking about. If you put this
conversation after the conflict conversation, you can
assess the amount of rebound by seeing if they can
get away from the negativity generated by the conflict
discussion. Use the Krokoff Positive Conversations
Checklist to help the couple select a topic.
Paper Tower. One task we have used quite often with

couples involves giving the couple a box of materials
(newspaper, construction paper, string, staples, glue,
cardboard, scotch tape, glitter, crayons, magic markers,
and so on). The couple is instructed to take 30 minutes
and build a paper tower that will need to be free-
standing. It will be judged on the following criteria:
height (up to 20 points), strength (up to 20 points),
beauty and creativity (up to 50 points). Notice how they
work together as a team, examining three dimensions:
giving and receiving affection and inclusion, giving and
receiving influence, and teamwork.
Teach one another something. In our lab, we have

asked each spouse to come prepared to teach their
partner something they know but the partner does not
know. This can be: knitting, chess, cooking, etc. How
does each person accept their partner’s expertise?
Bradbury situation. Tom Bradbury asks newlyweds

to take turns being helpful to their spouse (like a
consultant) in areas unrelated to the relationship
in which the partner wishes to do something to
improve his or her personal life. For example, one
person may wish to get in better physical shape. The
partner listens to the goals and helps elaborate them,
and communicates understanding and planning to
accomplish these personal goals.
3-22
These conversations can also help you assess whether

this couple is affectively engaged, and whether there
is very much positive affect in their lives. Or, have
they inadvertently begun a process of emotional
disengagement?
What are you assessing in behavior with these

methods? The basic dysfunctional interaction patterns,
accepting or rejecting influence, and the presence of the
functional patterns involving respectful influence; the
use of positive affect and other soothing strategies, and
the success of repair attempts.
What now follows are the assessment questionnaires that
should be give out at the end of the first assessment session.
Ask your clients to individually fill them out and return
them to your when they each come to their individual ses-
sions with you, the next step in their assessment.
3-23
Client ID#: Date:
Oral History Interview Summary Sheet

1. Meeting. Why don’t we start from the very beginning. Let’s discuss how the two of you met and got
together. Do you remember the time you met for the first time? Tell me about it. Was there anything about
your partner that made her or him stand out? What were your first impressions of each other?
2. Dating. When you think back to the time you were dating, before you got married (or committed to
each other), what do you remember? What stands out? How long did you know each other before your
commitment? What do you remember of this period? What were some of the highlights? Some of the
tensions? What types of things did you do together?
3. Decision to Marry or Commit. Tell me about how the two of you decided to get married or to commit
to each other. Of all the people in the world, what led you to decide that this was the person you wanted
to be with? Was it an easy decision? Was it a difficult decision? Were you ever in love? Tell me about this
time.
4. Wedding and Honeymoon. Do you remember your wedding or commitment ceremony? Tell me about
it. Did you have a honeymoon? What do you remember about it?
5. First Year Adjustments. When you think back to the first year you were married (or living together),
what do you remember? Were there any adjustments to that?
6. Adjustments to Parenthood. What about the transition to becoming parents? Tell me about this period
of you relationship. What was it like for the two of you?
7. Good Times. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the really good times in your
relationship? What were the really happy times? What is a good time for you as a couple? Has this changed
over the years?
3-24
Client ID#: Date:
Oral History Interview Summary Sheet

8. Relationship Ups and Downs. Many of the couples we’ve talked to say that their relationships go
through periods of ups and downs. Would you say that this is true of yours?
9. Hard Times. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the really hard times in your
relationship? Why do you think you stayed together? How did you get through these difficult times? What
is your philosophy about how to get through difficult times?
10. Relationship Changes Over Time. How would you say your relationship is different from when you
first got married or committed to each other? (Lots of people have losses here; they have stopped doing
things that once gave them pleasure. Explore these with the couple.)
11. Good and Bad Relationships. I’m interested in ideas about what makes a relationship work. Why do
you think some relationships work while others don’t? Think of a couple you know that has a particularly
good relationship and one that you know who has a particularly bad one. (Let them decide together which
two couples these are). What is different about these two relationships? How would you compare your
own relationship to each of these couples?
12. Parents’ Relationship. Tell me about your parents’ relationship. (Ask each partner.) What was/is their
relationship like? Would you say it’s very similar or different from your own relationship?
13. Love Maps and Rituals of Connection. Tell me what you currently know about your partner’s major
worries, stresses, hopes and aspirations. How do you stay in touch with one another on a daily basis? What
are your routines for staying in emotional contact?
4-1
4. Assessment: Written Questionnaires
4.1. Gottman Core Assessment Questionnaires.........................4-1

Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test....................................... 4-3
Weiss-Cerretto Relationship Status Inventory..................................... 4-5
The Sound Relationship House Questionnaires (5 item scale)............. 4-7
Love Maps...................................................................................................4-7
Fondness and Admiration System...............................................................4-7
Turning Towards or Away............................................................................4-7
Negative Sentiment Override.....................................................................4-8
Harsh Startup...............................................................................................4-8
Accepting Influence.....................................................................................4-8
Repair Attempts..........................................................................................4-9
Compromise................................................................................................4-9
Gridlock on Perpetual Issues.......................................................................4-9
The Four Horsemen...................................................................................4-10
Flooding....................................................................................................4-10
Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness...............................................4-10
Quality of Sex, Romance, and Passion in the Relationship.......................4-11
Shared Meanings Questionnaire...............................................................4-13
Your Rituals........................................................................................4-13
Your Roles..........................................................................................4-13
Your Goals..........................................................................................4-13
Your Symbols.....................................................................................4-13
Trust .....................................................................................................4-14
Commitment..............................................................................................4-15
The Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual Problems... 4-17
The Three “Detour” Scales................................................................ 4-27
Chaos .....................................................................................................4-27
Meta-Emotions (Your Own Feelings About Emotions)..............................4-28
My Family History......................................................................................4-30
Gottman Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ).............................. 4-33

Control, Fear, Suicide Potential, and Acts of Physical Aggression
Questionnaires.................................................................................. 4-35
Control .....................................................................................................4-35
Fear .....................................................................................................4-35
Suicide Potential........................................................................................4-35
Acts of Physical Aggression.......................................................................4-36
4-2
SCL-90............................................................................................... 4-37
The CAGE Questionnaire Adapted to Include Drugs (CAGE-AID)..... 4-41
Brief Michigan Alcohol Screening Test (b-MAST)............................... 4-41
4.2. The Gottman Relationship Checkup..................................4-43

4.3. Core Assessment Scoring and Interpretation....................4-45
Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test Scoring & Interpretation.............4-47
Weiss-Cerretto Relationship Status Inventory Scoring & Interpretation.............4-48
Sound Relationship House Assessment 5-Item Scale:
Scoring & Interpretation......................................................................................4-49
Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual Problems in Your
Relationship - Scoring & Interpretation...............................................................4-51
The Three “Detour” Scales Scoring & Interpretation.........................................4-53
Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ) Scoring & Interpretation.......................4-54
Control, Fear, Suicide Potential and Acts of Physical Aggression
Questionnaires - Scoring.....................................................................................4-55
SCL-90 Scoring & Interpretation Instructions......................................................4-56
The CAGE Questionnaire Adapted to Include Drugs (CAGE-AID)
Scoring & Interpretation......................................................................................4-57
Brief Michigan Alcohol Screening Test (b-MAST) Scoring & Interpretation
Instructions..........................................................................................................4-58

Interpretation Guidelines...................................................4-59
4.5. Review of The Sound Relationship House..........................4-63
House Scales By John Gottman, Ph.D.......................................................4-67
References.................................................................................................4-90
4-3
Client ID#: Date:
Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test

ircle the dot on the scale line that best describes the degree of happiness, everything
C
considered, of your present relationship. The middle point “happy” represents the de-
gree of happiness that most people get from their relationship, and the scale gradually
ranges on one side to those few who are very unhappy and, on the other, to those few
who experience extreme joy or felicity in their relationship.
l l l l l l l
Very Unhappy Happy Perfectly Happy
State the approximate extent of agreement or disagreement between you and your
partner on the following items. Please check each column.
Almost Almost
Always Always Occasionally Frequently Always Always
Agree Agree Disagree Disagree Disagree Disagree
1. Handling Family Finances

2. Matters of Recreation
3. Demonstration of Affection
4. Friends
5. Sex Relations
6. Conventionality (right, good,
or proper conduct)
7. Philosophy of Life
8. Ways of Dealing with In-laws
For each of the following items, check one response:

9. When disagreements arise, they usually result in
(a) me giving in___ (b) my partner giving in___ (c) agreement by mutual give and take___
10. Do you and your partner engage in outside interests together?
(a) all of them___ (b) some of them___ (c) very few of them___ (d) none of them___
11. In leisure time, do you generally prefer:
(a) to be “on the go”___ (b) to stay at home ___
12. Does your partner generally prefer:
(a) to be “on the go”___ (b) to stay at home ___
13. Do you ever wish you had not committed to this relationship?
(a) frequently___ (b) occasionally___ (c) rarely___ (d) never___
14. If you had your life to live over again, do you think you would:
(a) commit to the same person ___ (b) commit to a different person ___
(c) not commit at all __
15. Do you ever confide in your partner?
(a) almost never___ (b) rarely___ (c) in most things___ (d) in everything___
4-4
4-5
Client ID#: Date:
Weiss-Cerretto Relationship Status Inventory

We would like to get an idea of how your relationship stands right now. Please answer
the questions below by circling TRUE or FALSE for each item with regard to how things
stand right now. For items that are true, please indicate what year the item began to
be true.
1. I have made specific plans to discuss separation (or TRUE FALSE Year:
divorce) with my partner. I have considered what I would
say, etc. ______
2. I have set up an independent bank account in my name in TRUE FALSE Year:
order to protect my own interests. ______
3. Thoughts of separation (or divorce) occur to me very TRUE FALSE Year:
frequently, as often as once a week or more. ______
4. I have suggested to my partner (spouse) that I wish to be TRUE FALSE Year:
separated, divorced, or rid of him/her. ______
5. I have thought specifically about separation (or divorce). TRUE FALSE Year:
I have thought about who would get the kids, how things
would be divided, pros and cons, etc. ______
6. My partner and I have separated. This is a [CHECK ONE] TRUE FALSE Year:
otrial separation, or olegal separation. ______
7. I have discussed the question of my separation (or divorce) TRUE FALSE Year:
with someone other than my partner (trusted friend,
psychologist, minister, etc.). ______
8. I have occasionally thought of separation (or divorce) or TRUE FALSE Year:
wished that we were separated, usually after an argument
or other incident. ______
9. I have discussed the issue of separation (or divorce) TRUE FALSE Year:
seriously or at length with my partner.
______
10. We are separated, I have asked that the separation be TRUE FALSE Year:
permanent (or filed for divorce), or we are completely
broken up (or divorced). ______
11. I have made inquiries about separation (or how long it TRUE FALSE Year:
takes to get a divorce, grounds for divorce), costs involved,
etc. ______
12. I have contacted a lawyer to make preliminary plans for a TRUE FALSE Year:
separation or custody arrangement (or divorce). ______
13. I have consulted a lawyer or other legal aid about the TRUE FALSE Year:
matter. ______
14. I have considered separation (or divorce) a few times, other TRUE FALSE Year:
than during or after an argument, although only in vague
terms. ______
4-6
4-7
Client ID#: Date:
The Sound Relationship House Questionnaires (5 item scale)
Love Maps
Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box.
STATEMENT TRUE FALSE

I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams. q q
I can list the relatives my partner likes the least. q q
My partner is familiar with what are my current stresses. q q
I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life. q q
I know my partner’s major current worries. q q
Fondness and Admiration System


My partner really respects me. q q
I feel loved and cared for in this relationship. q q
Romance is something our relationship definitely still has in it. q q
When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me. q q
My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship. q q
Turning Towards or Away


I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. q q
We always have a lot to say to each other. q q
We have a lot of fun together in our everyday lives. q q
We really have a lot of interests in common. q q
We like to do a lot of the same things. q q
4-8
Client ID#: Date:
Negative Sentiment Override

Fill this form out thinking about your immediate past (last 2 to 4 weeks) or a recent
discussion of an existing issue. Read each statement and place a check mark in the
appropriate TRUE or FALSE box.
IN THE RECENT PAST IN MY RELATIONSHIP, GENERALLY TRUE FALSE

I felt innocent of blame for this problem. q q
I felt unjustly accused q q
I felt personally attacked. q q
I felt unjustly criticized. q q
I wanted the negativity to just stop. q q
Harsh Startup
WHEN WE DISCUSS OUR ISSUES TRUE FALSE

Arguments often seem to come out of nowhere. q q
I seem to always get blamed for issues. q q
My partner criticizes my personality. q q
Our calm is suddenly shattered. q q
I find my partner’s negativity unnerving and unsettling. q q
Accepting Influence

I generally want my partner to feel influential in this relationship. q q
I can listen to my partner, but only up to a point. q q
My partner has a lot of basic common sense. q q
I don’t reject my partner’s opinions out of hand. q q
My partner is basically a great help as a problem solver. q q
4-9
Client ID#: Date:
Repair Attempts
DURING OUR ATTEMPTS TO RESOLVE CONFLICT BETWEEN US TRUE FALSE

We are good at taking breaks when we need them. q q
Even when arguing, we can maintain a sense of humor. q q
We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions q q
on things.
If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things. q q
My partner is good at soothing me when I get upset. q q
Compromise
DURING OUR ATTEMPTS TO RESOLVE CONFLICT BETWEEN US TRUE FALSE

We are usually good at resolving our differences. q q
We both believe in meeting each other halfway when we disagree. q q
In discussing issues, we can usually find our common ground of q q
agreement.
Yielding power is not very difficult for me. q q
Give and take in making decisions is not a problem in this q q
relationship.
Gridlock on Perpetual Issues


We keep hurting each other whenever we discuss our core issues. q q
My partner has a long list of basically unreasonable demands. q q
I don’t feel respected when we disagree. q q
My partner often acts in a selfish manner. q q
When we discuss our issues, my partner acts as if I am totally wrong q q
and he or she is totally right.
4-10
Client ID#: Date:
The Four Horsemen


I have to defend myself because the charges against me are so q q
unfair.
I often feel unappreciated by my partner. q q
My partner doesn’t face issues responsibly and maturely. q q
I am just not guilty of many of the things I get accused of. q q
My partner has a lot of trouble being rational and logical. q q
Flooding

Our discussions get too heated. q q
I have a hard time calming down. q q
One of us is going to say something we will regret. q q
I think to myself, “Why can’t we talk more logically?” q q
My partner has a long list of unreasonable demands. q q
Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness


I often find myself disappointed in this relationship. q q
I will at times find myself quite lonely in this relationship. q q
It is hard for my deepest feelings to get much attention in this q q
relationship.
There is not enough closeness between us. q q
I have adapted to a lot in this relationship, and I am not so sure it’s a q q
good idea.
4-11
Client ID#: Date:
Quality of Sex, Romance, and Passion in the Relationship

For each item check the one box below that applies to your relationship right now:
1. Our relationship is m Romantic and passionate

m Becoming passionless, that is, the fire is going out
2. I would say that m My partner is still verbally affectionate
m My partner is not very verbally affectionate
3. I would say that m My partner expresses love and admiration to me
m My partner expresses love or admiration less frequently
these days
4. I would say that m We do touch each other a fair amount
m We rarely touch each other these days
5. I would say that m My partner courts me sexually
m My partner does not court me sexually
6. I would say that m We do cuddle with one another
m We rarely cuddle with one another
7. I would say that m We still have our tender and passionate moments
m We have few tender or passionate moments
8. I would say that m Our sex life is fine
m There are definite problems in this area
9. I would say that m The frequency of sex is not a problem
m The frequency of sex is a problem
10. I would say that m The satisfaction I get from sex is not a problem
m The satisfaction I get from sex is a problem
11. I would say that m Being able to just talk about sex, or talk about sexual
problems is not a serious issue between us
m Being able to just talk about sex, or talk about sexual
problems is a serious issue between us
12. I would say that m The two of us generally want the same thing sexually
m The two of us want different things sexually
13. I would say that m Differences in desire are not an issue in this relationship
m Differences in desire are an issue in this relationship
14. I would say that m The amount of love in our lovemaking is not a problem
m The amount of love in our lovemaking is a problem
4-12
Client ID#: Date:
Quality of Sex, Romance, and Passion in the Relationship (continued)
15. I would say that m The satisfaction my partner gets from sex is not a
problem
m The satisfaction my partner gets from sex is a problem
16. I would say that m My partner is still physically very affectionate toward me
m My partner is not very physically affectionate toward me
17. I would say that m I feel romantic toward my partner
m I do not feel very romantic toward my partner
18. I would say that m My partner finds me sexually attractive
m My partner does not find me sexually attractive
19. I would say that m I find my partner sexually attractive
m I do not view my partner as sexually attractive
20. In this relationship m I feel romantic and passionate toward my partner, or
m I feel passionless, my own fire is going out
21. In this relationship m My partner is romantic and passionate, or,
m My partner is passionless, that is, the fire is going out in
my partner
22. I would say that m My partner compliments my appearance
m My partner does not compliment my appearance
23. I would say that m I am satisfied by how we initiate sex
m I am dissatisfied with the ways we initiate sex
24. I would say that m It is possible for me to refuse sex and have it be okay
m I am unable to refuse sex and have it be okay with my
partner
25. I would say that m I hardly ever have sex when I don’t want to
m It seems as if I often have sex when I don’t want to
26. I would say that m We have many ways to satisfy one another sexually
m We have very few ways to satisfy one another sexually
27. Overall I would say that m We are good sexual partners
m We are not very good sexual partners
4-13
Client ID#: Date:
Shared Meanings Questionnaire

We want you to think about how well you and your partner have been able to create a sense of
shared meaning in your lives together. We think that when people become committed to one
another they create a new culture, and some relationships also involve the union of two very
different cultures. But even if two people are coming from the same regional, cultural, ethnic,
and religious backgrounds, they will have been raised in two very different families, and their
merging involves the creation of a new culture.
Your Rituals True False

Reunions at the end of each day in our home are generally special times in q q
my day.
During weekends, we do a lot of things together that we enjoy and value. q q
I really look forward to and enjoy our vacations and the travel we do q q
together.
When we do errands together, we generally have a good time. q q
We have ways of becoming renewed and refreshed when we are burned q q
out or fatigued.
Your Roles True False

We share many similar values in our roles as lovers and partners. q q
My partner and I have compatible views about the role of work in one’s life. q q
My partner and I have similar philosophies about balancing work and q q
family life.
My partner supports what I would see as my basic mission in life. q q
My partner shares my views on the importance of family and kin (sisters, q q
brothers, moms, dads) in our life together.
Your Goals True False

If I were to look back on my life in very old age, I think I would see that our q q
paths in life had meshed very well.
My partner values my own accomplishments. q q
My partner honors my own very personal goals, unrelated to my q q
relationship.
We have very similar financial goals. q q
Our hopes and aspirations, as individuals and together, for our children, for q q
our life in general, and for our old age are quite compatible.
Your Symbols True False

We see eye-to-eye about what “home” means. q q
We have similar views about the role of sex in our lives. q q
We have similar views about the role of love and affection in our lives. q q
We have similar values about the importance and meaning of money in q q
our lives.
We have similar values about “autonomy” and “independence.” q q
4-14
Client ID#: Date:
Trust
Instructions: For the following items answer the degree to which you agree or disagree with
each item by checking the box under Strongly Disagree, Disagree, Neither Agree nor Disagree,
Agree, or Strongly Agree.
Strongly Disagree Neither Agree Strongly
Disagree Agree
1. There were important times when my partner has

not been there for me emotionally when I was
really in need.
2. My partner has been or is emotionally involved
with someone else, which feels like a betrayal.
3. My partner has been or is sexually involved with
someone else, which feels like a betrayal.
4. I don’t have much trust in any relationship.
5. Once, when I really needed to turn to my partner
for emotional support, I was terribly disappointed
and left utterly alone.
6. Sometimes I don’t feel important to my partner.
7. My partner has forced me to do some things
against my principles, or to do things that I find
objectionable, repulsive, or disgusting.
8. My partner lies to me.
9. There are some wounds my partner has created
that can never fully heal between us.
10. My trust in this relationship has been seriously
shattered.
11. I don’t feel that I am my partner’s first or even
major priority in his or her life.
12. My partner has cheated me and I feel betrayed
by that.
13. My partner has betrayed me financially.
14. When going through hard times in our
relationship, I don’t feel I can count on my
partner to be there for me.
15. Our vows aren’t really sacred to my partner.
16. My partner can be deceitful with me in many
ways.
17. When I get sick I am abandoned by my
partner.
18. I can’t really count on my partner.
19. If I should have financial problems my financial
problems are totally my own. I cannot rely on my
partner to help me out.
20. I suspect that my partner has betrayed our
relationship contract in the past.
21. My partner is not really loyal to me.
4-15
Client ID#: Date:
Commitment
Disagree Agree
1. I feel confident that my partner will stay in this

relationship even if we are going through hard
times.
2. When I am feeling bad, my partner is willing to
meet my needs.
3. During a fight, my partner does not threaten to
leave me.
4. I am committed to this relationship.
5. I consider my relationship rock solid.
6. I would refuse to have sex with a person other
than my partner.
7. I will sometimes make major sacrifices for my
partner even if it goes against what I need.
8. I make sure that my partner feels loved by me.
9. When my partner is sick, I think it is very
important that I take care of him or her.
10. When I compromise with my partner, I don’t feel
controlled and manipulated.
11. Being a team is sometimes more important to me
than my own needs
12. I feel that my partner’s financial security is in part
my responsibility.
13. If my partner were in emotional trouble, I would
be there 100%.
14. After an argument, I am not thinking that I could
be happier with someone else.
15. During a fight, I do not threaten to leave my
partner.
16. I am not waiting for someone better to come
along.
17. We are not usually engaged in a power struggle.
18. I want to stay with my partner forever.
19. I would avoid flirting if it made my partner feel
insecure.
20. No matter what’s going on, I never fantasize
about divorce or separation.
21. No matter how bad things get I never long for
the days when I was single.
4-16
Client ID#: Date:
Commitment (continued) Strongly

Disagree
Disagree Neither Agree Strongly
Agree
22. I never envy my friends who are single.

23. I never fantasize about what life would be like being
someone else’s partner.
24. I love it when my partner and I dream about our future
together.
25. I love thinking about my partner and I growing old
together
26. My worst nightmare is my partner dying before me.
27. I feel loved by my partner.
4-17
Client ID#: Date:
The Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for

Solvable and Perpetual Problems
Instructions. Please think about how things are RIGHT NOW in each of the following
areas of your relationship. Think about each area of your life together, and decide if this
area is fine or if it needs improvement. For each of the statements below, check the
box that best describes your relationship.
1. We are o staying emotionally connected, or o becoming emotionally distant.
Check all the specific items below: Not a problem Is a problem

Just simply talking to each other o o
Staying emotionally in touch with each other o o
Feeling taken for granted o o
Don’t feel my partner knows me very well right now o o
Partner is (or I am) emotionally disengaged o o
Spending time together o o
Comments, and if things are fine, describe how you are managing this area of your lives. If things are not fine,
describe the obstacles you see to improving this area of your relationship.
2. We are o handling job and other stresses effectively, or o experiencing the

“spill-over” of other stresses.

Helping each other reduce daily stresses. o o
Talking about these stresses together. o o
Talking together about stress in a helpful manner. o o
Partner listening with understanding about my stresses o o
and worries.
Partner takes job or other stresses out on me. o o
Partner takes job or other stresses out on others in our life. o o
4-18
Client ID#: Date:
3. We are o handling issues or disagreements well, or o gridlocking on one or

more issues.

Differences have arisen between us that feel very basic. o o
These differences seem unresolvable. o o
We are living day-to-day with hurts. o o
Our positions are getting entrenched. o o
It looks like I will never get what I hope for. o o
I am very worried that these issues may damage our o o
relationship.
4. Our relationship o is romantic and passionate, or o is becoming passionless;

the fire is going out.

My partner has stopped being verbally affectionate. o o
My partner expresses love or admiration less frequently. o o
We rarely touch each other. o o
My partner (or I) have stopped feeling very romantic. o o
We rarely cuddle. o o
We have few tender or passionate moments. o o
4-19
Client ID#: Date:
5. o Our sex life is fine, or o There are problems in this area.

The frequency of sex. o o
The satisfaction I (or my partner) get from sex. o o
Being able to talk about sexual problems. o o
The two of us wanting different things sexually. o o
Problems of desire. o o
The amount of love in our lovemaking. o o
6. An important event (e.g., changes in job or residence, the loss of a job or loved
one, an illness) has occurred in our lives. o Yes o No
The relationship o is dealing with this well or o is not dealing with this well

We have very different points of view on how to handle o o
things.
This event has led my partner to be very distant. o o
This event has made us both irritable. o o
This event has led to a lot of fighting. o o
I’m worried about how this will all turn out. o o
We are now taking up very different positions. o o
4-20
Client ID#: Date:
7. Major issues about children have arisen (this could be about whether to be
parents). o Yes o No

We have very different points of view on goals for o o
children.
We have different positions on what to discipline o o
children for.
We have different positions on how to discipline o o
children.
We have issues about how to be close to our children. o o
We are not talking about these issues very well. o o
There is a lot of tension or anger about these o o
differences.
8. Major issues/events have arisen about in-laws, a relative, or relatives.

o Yes o No

I feel unaccepted by my partner’s family. o o
I sometimes wonder which family my partner is in. o o
I feel unaccepted by my own family. o o
There is tension between us about what might happen. o o
This issue has generated a lot of irritability. o o
I am worried about how this is going to turn out. o o
4-21
Client ID#: Date:
9. o Being attracted to other people or jealousy is not an issue, or o My partner is

flirtatious or there may be a recent extra-relationship affair

This area is a source of a lot of hurt. o o
This is an area that creates insecurity. o o
I can’t deal with the lies. o o
It is hard to re-establish trust. o o
There is a feeling of betrayal. o o
It’s hard to know how to heal this. o o
10. o
There has been a recent extra-relationship affair (or I suspect there is one),
or o This is not an issue
This is a source of a lot of pain. o o
This has created insecurity. o o
I can’t deal with the deception and lying. o o
I can’t stop being angry. o o
I can’t deal with my partner’s anger. o o
I want this to be over but it seems to never end. o o
I am tired of apologizing. o o
It’s hard to trust again. o o
I feel that our relationship has been violated. o o
It is hard to know how to heal this. o o
4-22
Client ID#: Date:
11. When disagreements arise, o we resolve issues well, or o unpleasant fights

have occurred

There are more fights now. o o
The fights seem to come out of nowhere. o o
Anger and irritability have crept into our relationship. o o
We get into muddles where we are hurting each other. o o
I don’t feel very respected lately. o o
I feel criticized. o o
12. o We are in synchrony on basic values and goals, or o Differences between us

in these areas or in desired lifestyle are emerging.

Differences have arisen in life goals. o o
Differences have arisen about important beliefs. o o
Differences have arisen on leisure time interests. o o
We seem to be wanting different things out of life. o o
We are growing in different directions. o o
I don’t much like who I am with my partner. o o
4-23
Client ID#: Date:
13. Very hard events (for example, violence, drugs, an affair) have occurred within
the relationship. o Yes o No
Check all the specific items below: Not a Is a problem

problem
There has been physical violence between us. o o
There is a problem with alcohol or drugs. o o
This is turning into a relationship I hadn’t bargained for. o o
The “contract” of our couples relationship is changing. o o
I find some of what my partner wants upsetting or repulsive. o o
I am now feeling somewhat disappointed by this relationship. o o
14. We o work well as a team, or o are not working very well as a team right now

We used to share more of the household’s workload. o o
We seem to be pulling in opposite directions. o o
My partner does not share in housework or family chores. o o
My partner is not carrying weight financially. o o
I feel alone in managing our family. o o
My partner is not being very considerate. o o
4-24
Client ID#: Date:
15. o We are coping well with issues of power or influence, or o We are having
trouble in this area

I don’t feel influential in decisions we make. o o
My partner has become more domineering. o o
I have become more demanding. o o
My partner has become passive. o o
My partner is “spacey,” not a strong force in our o o
relationship.
I am starting to care a lot more about who is running o o
things.
16. o We are handling issues of finances well, or o We are having trouble in this
area
I or my partner just doesn’t bring in enough money. o o
We have differences about how to spend our money. o o
We are stressed about finances. o o
My partner is financially more interested in self than in us. o o
We are not united in managing our finances. o o
There is not enough financial planning. o o
4-25
Client ID#: Date:
17. We are o doing well having fun together, or o not having very much fun
together
We don’t seem to have very much time for fun. o o
We try, but don’t seem to enjoy our times together very o o
much.
We are too stressed for fun. o o
Work takes up all our time these days. o o
Our interests are so different now that there are no fun o o
things we like to do together.
We plan fun things to do, but they never happen. o o
18. We are o feeling close in building/being a part of the community together, or

o not feeling close in building/being a part of the community together

Being involved with friends and other people or groups o o
Caring about the institutions that build communities o o
Putting time into the institutions of community o o
(e.g., school, agencies)
Doing projects or work for charity. o o
Doing other good deeds for members of the o o
community.
Taking a leadership role in the service of community. o o
4-26
Client ID#: Date:
19. We are o feeling very close in the area of spirituality together, or o not doing
well in that area these days

Sharing the same beliefs. o o
Agreeing about religious ideas and values. o o
Issues about specific house of worship (mosque, church, o o
synagogue).
Communicating well about spiritual things. o o
Issues that are about spiritual growth and change. o o
Spiritual issues involving our family. o o
4-27
Client ID#: Date:
The Three “Detour” Scales
Chaos
Instructions: Check Yes or No for each item below.
STATEMENT YES NO
1. Does your home life together feel chaotic? q q
2. Is there any sense of disorder in your life together? q q
3. In this relationship are you unable to function well in your own life? q q
4. Do major unplanned events keep happening to the two of you? q q
5. Are the two of you always having to adapt to changing q q
circumstances?
6. Do you sometimes feel personally out of control of your life? q q
7. Do you sometimes feel like a “feather in the wind” in this q q
relationship?
8. Is it hard for you both to work regularly? q q
9. Is it hard for the two of you to maintain a regular and reliable q q
schedule?
10. Does your financial life seem unstable? q q
11. Do your finances feel out of control? q q
12. Do the two of you have trouble eating well (nutritiously)? q q
13. Have the two of you been unable to have a routine for grocery q q
shopping?
14. Have the two of you been unable to have a regular routine for q q
meals?
15. Have the two of you been unable to maintain good health? q q
4-28
Client ID#: Date:
Meta-Emotions (Your Own Feelings About Emotions)

What’s your emotion philosophy?
Disagree Agree
1. I try not to think much about my own emotional states.

2. I believe that people should just roll with the punches
and get on with life.
3. There’s not much point in dwelling on your inner
feelings.
4. I generally view being emotional as being out of
control.
5. People ought to be more rational and less emotional.
6. I think expressing emotion is okay only if it’s in
control.
7. Anger is a very dangerous emotion.
8. People often act emotional just to get what they
want.
9. If you ignore negative emotions, they tend to go
away and take care of themselves.
10. It is best to just “ride out” negative emotions and not
dwell on them.
11. I don’t mind other people’s negative moods as long
as they don’t last too long.
12. I try to get over sadness quickly so I can move on to
better things.
13. I set some definite limits on other people’s staying in
a negative emotional state.
14. I tend to get impatient with people’s sadness.
15. I believe in not paying attention to people if they
aren’t positive or cheerful.
16. People can’t be very rational if they are being
emotional.
17. I really don’t want to experience negative
emotions.
18. It isn’t important to dwell on why you are feeling
the way you feel.
19. When people get sad they are just feeling sorry
for themselves.
20. I think if you want to you can make yourself feel
positively about almost anything.
21. I am not sure anything can be done when
someone is feeling down.
4-29
Client ID#: Date:
Meta-Emotions (continued) Strongly

Disagree
Agree
22. I just don’t think people should ever show their

anger.
23. It is unnecessary to look deeply at the causes of
one’s emotions.
24. I just try not to make a big deal out of my own
emotions.
25. There is very little to be gained by dwelling on
why one is feeling a certain way.
26. People can definitely not tell what I am feeling.
27. Anger is always a very toxic emotion.
28. Feelings are private and I try not to express
them outwardly.
29. There’s not much difference between anger and
aggression.
30. Expressions of affection are usually
embarrassing for me.
31. I try to avoid people when they are sad.
32. Generally, I am fairly neutral and don’t
experience very much emotion.
33. Sadness is a form of weakness.
34. Feelings are best kept to one’s self.
35. Ideally, it is better to stay in control, upbeat, and
positive.
36. If people are emotional they may lose control.
37. To get over a negative emotion, just get on with
life and don’t dwell on things.
38. I don’t feel comfortable with outward displays
of love.
39. People ought to know when you love them
without your having to say so.
40. Dwelling on your fears just is an excuse for not
getting things done.
41. In general it’s better not to express your sad
feelings.
42. I’m not sure that there’s much that can be done
to change strong negative feelings.
43. Trying to problem solve with an emotional
person is a waste of time.
44. When my partner is angry it means there is
something wrong with our relationship.
45. Just the passage of time solves most things.
4-30
Client ID#: Date:
My Family History
We’d like to ask you some questions about stresses and supports you experienced as a child
growing up in your family. Please answer these questions as honestly as you can. For the follow-
ing items answer the degree to which you agree or disagree with each item by checking the box
under Strongly Disagree, Disagree, Neither Agree nor Disagree, Agree, or Strongly Agree.
Disagree Agree
1. The family I grew up in struggled financially.

2. I was physically abused by my parent(s).
3. My relationships with my siblings were not
close.
4. I was sexually abused or molested in my family.
5. My family home was a place of instability and
insecurity.
6. My family moved too often.
7. My parents were not affectionate toward me.
8. One or both of my parents were alcoholic.
9. My parents were unhappy with one another.
10. I never really trusted my parents.
11. My parents had no faith in my abilities.
12. My parents didn’t praise me very much.
13. My parents didn’t often show me that they
loved me.
14. I was lonely as a child.
15. My parents didn’t protect me from danger very
well.
16. We didn’t travel very much together as a family.
17. Growing up I could never talk to my parents
about my feelings.
18. My home was very chaotic.
19. My parents used unnecessarily strict and harsh
discipline.
20. It was never okay for me to tell my parents what
my needs were.
21. I was not accepted by my peers.
22. My parents would use shame, or belittle me.
23. There was no love and affection expressed in
my family.
24. Ours was not a child-centered home.
25. The kids were ignored by my parents.
26. There was lots of rivalry between my siblings.
4-31
Client ID#: Date:
My Family History (continued) Strongly

Disagree
Agree
27. My home was not open socially to guests and

visitors.
28. My parent(s) used illicit drugs or alcohol.
29. My parents forced me to do a lot of chores.
30. There was a lot of conflict in my family.
31. My parents gave me very little freedom to
explore my interests.
32. I experienced cruelty from my family.
33. I witnessed violence between my parents or
adults in my family.
34. I had no supportive teachers at school.
35. I didn’t have a sense of belonging in my family.
36. I experienced abuse or bullying from peers at
school.
37. My parents were not understanding and
empathic toward my feelings.
38. My father was not present, or absent a lot.
39. My parents were emotionally volatile.
40. I often got blamed when something went
wrong at school.
41. I had no good friends growing up.
42. My parents rarely came to my own special
events.
43. My parents had bad temper outbursts.
44. I didn’t get the attention I needed growing up.
45. My father was a cold person.
46. My parents were neglectful.
47. I was not accepted by my peers.
48. My parents never really knew me well.
49. There was a lot of tension in my home growing
up.
50. My mother was a cold person.
51. I was given few choices as a kid.
52. I was physically hungry as a kid.
53. I never really got know my father.
54. I rarely look forward to family gatherings or
visits from relatives.
55. We are not a strong or unified family.
56. I never took fun vacations with my family.
4-32
Client ID#: Date:
My Family History (continued) Strongly

Disagree
Agree
57. My family was not emotionally expressive.

58. My parents were strict and authoritarian.
59. I dislike some of my brothers or sisters.
60. I am competitive with one or more of my
siblings.
61. My family was not active in the community.
62. It was never okay for me to make mistakes.
63. I was compared unfavorably to others by my
parents.
64. My parents were too perfectionist.
65. My mother and father were critical of me.
66. We did not usually eat together as a family.
67. We rarely had fun family holidays together.
68. My preferences as a kid were usually ignored.
69. My birthdays were never well celebrated.
70. My siblings were not given preference over me.
71. My parents’ discipline was inconsistent.
72. My parents were financially stingy toward me.
73. There was no music in our home.
74. There was no laughter in my home growing up.
75. I couldn’t usually come to my parents and ask
for help.
76. I rarely had friends over to my house.
77. We rarely had fun together as a family.
78. We rarely played together as a family.
79. If I had a problem as a kid, I usually kept it to myself.
4-33
Client ID#: Date:
Gottman Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ)

Read each statement and check the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box.
TRUE FALSE
1. I have to do things to avoid my partner’s jealousy. q q
2. My partner tries to control who I spend my time with. q q
3. My partner repeatedly accuses me of flirting with other q q
people.
4. My partner is overly suspicious that I am unfaithful. q q
5. My partner acts like a detective, looking for clues that I’ve q q
done something wrong.
6. My partner keeps me from going places I want to go. q q
7. My partner threatens to take the money if I don’t do as I am q q
told.
8. My partner forcibly tries to restrict my movements. q q
9. My partner tries to control all my money. q q
10. My partner tries to control all my freedom. q q
11. My partner tries to convince other people that I’m crazy. q q
12. My partner has told me that I am sexually unattractive. q q
13. My partner insults my family. q q
14. My partner humiliates me in front of others. q q
15. My partner makes me do degrading things. q q
16. My partner intentionally does things to scare me. q q
17. My partner threatens me physically during arguments. q q
18. My partner warns me that if I keep doing something, violence q q
will follow.
19. My partner makes me engage in sexual practices I consider q q
perverse.
20. In bed, my partner makes me do things I find repulsive. q q
21. I feel pressured to have sex when I don’t want to. q q
22. My partner threatens to hurt someone I care about. q q
23. My partner intentionally damages things I care about. q q
24. My partner does cruel things to pets or other animals. q q
25. My partner threatens to hurt my children. q q
4-34
4-35
Client ID#: Date:
Control, Fear, Suicide Potential, and

Acts of Physical Aggression Questionnaires
Control
In the past 6 months did your partner:
YES NO
1. Try to control your every move? q q
2. Withhold money, make you ask for money, or take your money? q q
3. Threaten to kill you? q q

4. Threaten to hurt your family, friends, or pets? q q
5. Refuse to take responsibility for violent behavior, putting the q q
blame on you?
6. Try to isolate you by keeping you away from your family or friends? q q
7. Stalk or harass you or someone else at work or elsewhere? q q
Fear
People Who Fear Their Partner as a Potential Result of Therapy
YES NO
1. Are you afraid of your partner? q q
2. Are you uncomfortable talking in front of your partner? q q
3. Do you worry that therapy might lead to violence? q q
Suicide Potential
YES NO
1. Have you ever attempted suicide ? q q
2. Have you ever planned a suicide attempt ? q q
3. Are you currently thinking about suicide ? q q
How often? q Daily q Weekly
4. Does the following describe you at the moment?
“I would like to kill myself” q q
“I would kill myself if I had a chance” q q
5. Do you currently have a suicide plan? q q
4-36
Client ID#: Date:
Acts of Physical Aggression

In the past 6 months has your partner:
Yes Yes No Comments
Without Injury With Injury
1. Slapped you?
2. Hit you?
3. Kicked you?
4. Bit you?
5. Scratched you?
6. Shoved you?
7. Tripped you?
8. Whacked you?
9. Knocked you down?
10. Twisted your arm?
11. Pushed you?
12. Pulled your hair?
13. Poked you?
14. Pinched you?
15. Strangled you?
16. Smothered you?
17. Karate chopped you?
18. Kneed you?
19. Stomped on you?
20. Slammed you?
21. Spit on you?
22. Threw an object at you?
23. Hit you with an object?
24. Threatened you with a weapon?
25. Used a weapon (gun, knife, etc.)
against you?
26. Forced you to have sex?
27. Raped you?
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Client ID#: Date:
SCL-90
Below is a list of problems and complaints that people sometimes have. Please read
each one carefully. After you have done so, select one of the numbered descriptors
that best describes HOW MUCH THAT PROBLEM HAS BOTHERED OR DISTRESSED
YOU DURING THE PAST WEEK, INCLUDING TODAY. Circle the number in the space to
the right of the problem and do not skip any items. Use the following key to guide how
you respond:
Circle 0 if your answer is NOT AT ALL
Circle 1 if A LITTLE BIT
Circle 2 if MODERATELY
Circle 3 if QUITE A BIT
Circle 4 if EXTREMELY
Please read the following example before beginning:
Example: In the previous week, how much were you bothered by:
Backaches 0 1 2 3 4
In this case, the respondent experienced backaches a little bit (1).
Please proceed with the questionnaire.
MODERATELY
A LITTLE BIT
QUITE A BIT
NOT AT ALL
EXTREMELY
HOW MUCH WERE YOU BOTHERED BY:
1. Headaches 0 1 2 3 4
2. Nervousness or shakiness inside 0 1 2 3 4
3. Unwanted thoughts, words, or ideas that won’t leave your mind 0 1 2 3 4
4. Faintness or dizziness 0 1 2 3 4
5. Loss of sexual interest or pleasure 0 1 2 3 4
6. Feeling critical of others 0 1 2 3 4
7. The idea that someone else can control your thoughts 0 1 2 3 4
8. Feeling others are to blame for most of your troubles 0 1 2 3 4
9. Trouble remembering things 0 1 2 3 4
10. Worried about sloppiness or carelessness 0 1 2 3 4
11. Feeling easily annoyed or irritated 0 1 2 3 4
12. Pains in heart or chest 0 1 2 3 4
13. Feeling afraid in open spaces or on the streets 0 1 2 3 4
14. Feeling low in energy or slowed down 0 1 2 3 4
15. Thoughts of ending your life 0 1 2 3 4
16. Hearing voices that other people do not hear 0 1 2 3 4
17. Trembling 0 1 2 3 4
18. Feeling that most people cannot be trusted 0 1 2 3 4
19. Poor appetite 0 1 2 3 4
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Client ID#: Date:
SCL-90 (continued)
MODERATELY
A LITTLE BIT
QUITE A BIT
NOT AT ALL
EXTREMELY
20. Crying easily 0 1 2 3 4

21. Feeling shy or uneasy with the opposite sex 0 1 2 3 4
22. Feeling of being trapped or caught 0 1 2 3 4
23. Suddenly scared for no reason 0 1 2 3 4
24. Temper outbursts that you could not control 0 1 2 3 4
25. Feeling afraid to go out of your house alone 0 1 2 3 4
26. Blaming yourself for things 0 1 2 3 4
27. Pains in lower back 0 1 2 3 4
28. Feeling blocked in getting things done 0 1 2 3 4
29. Feeling lonely 0 1 2 3 4
30. Feeling blue 0 1 2 3 4
31. Worrying too much about things 0 1 2 3 4
32. Feeling no interest in things 0 1 2 3 4
33. Feeling fearful 0 1 2 3 4
34. Your feelings being easily hurt 0 1 2 3 4
35. Other people being aware of your private thoughts 0 1 2 3 4
36. Feeling others do not understand you or are unsympathetic 0 1 2 3 4
37. Feeling that people are unfriendly or dislike you 0 1 2 3 4
38. Having to do things very slowly to insure correctness 0 1 2 3 4
39. Heart pounding or racing 0 1 2 3 4
40. Nausea or upset stomach 0 1 2 3 4
41. Feeling inferior to others 0 1 2 3 4
42. Soreness of your muscles 0 1 2 3 4
43. Feeling that you are watched or talked about by others 0 1 2 3 4
44. Trouble falling asleep 0 1 2 3 4
45. Having to check and double-check what you do 0 1 2 3 4
46. Difficulty making decisions 0 1 2 3 4
47. Feeling afraid to travel on buses, subways, trains 0 1 2 3 4
48. Trouble getting your breath 0 1 2 3 4
49. Hot or cold spells 0 1 2 3 4
Having to avoid certain things, places, or activities because they
50.
frighten you
0 1 2 3 4
51. Your mind going blank 0 1 2 3 4

52. Numbness or tingling in parts of your body 0 1 2 3 4
53. A lump in your throat 0 1 2 3 4
54. Feeling hopeless about the future 0 1 2 3 4
55. Trouble concentrating 0 1 2 3 4
4-39
Client ID#: Date:
SCL-90 (continued)
MODERATELY
A LITTLE BIT
QUITE A BIT
NOT AT ALL
EXTREMELY
56. Feeling weak in parts of your body 0 1 2 3 4
57. Feeling tense or keyed up 0 1 2 3 4
58. Heavy feelings in your arms or legs 0 1 2 3 4
59. Thoughts of death or dying 0 1 2 3 4
60. Overeating 0 1 2 3 4
61. Feeling uneasy when people are watching or talking about you 0 1 2 3 4
62. Having thoughts that are not your own 0 1 2 3 4
63. Having urges to beat, injure, or harm someone 0 1 2 3 4
64. Awakening in the early morning 0 1 2 3 4
65. Having to repeat the same actions such as touching, counting, washing 0 1 2 3 4
66. Sleep that is restless or disturbed 0 1 2 3 4
67. Having urges to break or smash things 0 1 2 3 4
68. Having ideas or beliefs that others do not share 0 1 2 3 4
69. Feeling very self-conscious with others 0 1 2 3 4
70. Feeling uneasy in crowds, such as shopping or at a movie 0 1 2 3 4
71. Feeling everything is an effort 0 1 2 3 4
72. Spells of terror or panic 0 1 2 3 4
73. Feeling uncomfortable about eating or drinking in public 0 1 2 3 4
74. Getting into frequent arguments 0 1 2 3 4
75. Feeling nervous when you are left alone 0 1 2 3 4
76. Others not giving you proper credit for your achievements 0 1 2 3 4
77. Feeling lonely even when you are with people 0 1 2 3 4
78. Feeling so restless you couldn’t sit still 0 1 2 3 4
79. Feelings of worthlessness 0 1 2 3 4
80. Feeling that familiar things are strange or unreal 0 1 2 3 4
81. Shouting or throwing things 0 1 2 3 4
82. Feeling afraid you will faint in public 0 1 2 3 4
83. Feeling that people will take advantage of you if you let them 0 1 2 3 4
84. Having thoughts about sex that bother you a lot 0 1 2 3 4
85. The idea that you should be punished for your sins 0 1 2 3 4
86. Feeling pushed to get things done 0 1 2 3 4
87. The idea that something serious is wrong with your body 0 1 2 3 4
88. Never feeling close to another person 0 1 2 3 4
89. Feelings of guilt 0 1 2 3 4
90. The idea that something is wrong with your mind 0 1 2 3 4
Reference: Derogatis, L.R., Lipman, R.S., & Covi, L. (1973). SCL-90: An outpatient psychiatric rating scale—Preliminary Report.
Psychopharmacol. Bull. 9, 13–28.
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4-41
Client ID#: Date:

YES NO
1. Have you felt you ought to cut down on your drinking or drug use?
2. Have people annoyed you by criticizing your drinking or drug use?
3. Have you felt bad or guilty about your drinking or drug use?
4. Have you ever had a drink or used drugs first thing in the morning to
steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover (eye-opener)?
Brief Michigan Alcohol Screening Test (b-MAST)

Carefully read each statement and decide if your answer is “Yes” or “No”. Then check
the appropriate box beside the question.
Please answer every question. If you have difficulty with a statement, then choose the
response that is mostly right.
YES NO
1. Do you feel that you are a normal drinker?
2. Do friends or relatives think you are a normal drinker?
3. Have you ever attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)?
4. Have you ever lost friends or girlfriends/boyfriends because of your

drinking?
5. Have you ever gotten into trouble at work because of your drinking?
6. Have you ever neglected your obligations, your family, or your work for
two or more days in a row because you were drinking?
7. Have you ever had delirium tremens (DTs), severe shaking, after heavy
drinking?
8. Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking?
9. Have you ever been in a hospital because of drinking?
10. Have you ever been arrested for drunken driving, or driving after
drinking?
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4-43
4.2. The Gottman Relationship Checkup

www.checkup.gottman.com
You can now invite your couples to use the Gottman Assessment Questionnaires in a digi-
tal format! Our new, online relationship assessment tool not only automatically scores
your couples’ strengths and challenges, it also provides you with detailed clinical feed-
back and a suggested treatment plan with specific recommendations for intervention.
To learn more, visit checkup.gottman.com.
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4-45
4.3. Core Assessment Scoring and Interpretation
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4-47
Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Test

Scoring & Interpretation
Circle the dot on the scale line that best describes the degree of happiness, everything
considered, of your present relationship. The middle point “happy” represents the de-
gree of happiness that most people get from their relationship, and the scale gradually
ranges on one side to those few who are very unhappy and, on the other, to those few
who experience extreme joy or felicity in their relationship.
0 2 7 15 20 25 35
l l l l l l l
Very Unhappy Happy Perfectly Happy
State the approximate extent of agreement or disagreement between you and your
partner on the following items. Please check each column.
Almost Almost
Always Always Occasionally Frequently Always Always
Agree Agree Disagree Disagree Disagree Disagree
1. Handling Family Finances 5 4 3 2 1 0

2. Matters of Recreation 5 4 3 2 1 0
3. Demonstration of Affection 8 6 4 2 1 0
4. Friends 5 4 3 2 1 0
5. Sex Relations 15 12 9 4 1 0
6. Conventionality (right, good, or 5 4 3 2 1 0
proper conduct)
7. Philosophy of Life 5 4 3 2 1 0
8. Ways of dealing with In-laws 5 4 3 2 1 0
For each of the following items, check one response:

9. When disagreements arise, they usually result in (a) me giving in 0
(b) my partner giving in 0 (c) agreement by mutual give and take 10
10. Do you and your partner engage in outside interests together?
(a) all of them 10 (b) some of them 8 (c) very few of them 3 (d) none of them 0
11. & 12. In leisure time, do you generally prefer: (a) to be “on the go” (b) to stay at home
Does your partner generally prefer: (a) to be “on the go” (b) to stay at home
(a) “on the go” for both 3 ; (b) stay at home for both 10 ; disagreement 2
13. Do you ever wish you had not committed to this relationship?
(a) frequently 0 (b) occasionally 3 (c) rarely 8 (d) never 15
14. If you had your life to live over again, do you think you would:
(a) commit to the same person 15 (b) commit to a different person 0
(c) not commit at all 1
15. Do you ever confide in your partner? (a) almost never 0 (b) rarely 2 (c) in most things 10 (d)
in everything 10
Locke-Wallace Relationship Adjustment Scale (<85 is cut-off) Score _____
4-48
Weiss-Cerretto Relationship Status Inventory

Scoring:
Add up the number of items scored “True.”
Interpretation:
Cut-off is 4 or more.
4-49
Sound Relationship House Assessment 5-Item Scale:

General Interpretive Guidelines for the Sound Relationship House 5-Item Scale Assessment
Questionnaires
• ompare partners to examine discrepancies (for example, is one partner in negative sentiment
C
override and the other not?).
• specially examine Negative Sentiment Override, Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness,
E
and Flooding Questionnaires.
For the following scales: (SRH +)

• Love Maps
• Fondness and Admiration System
• Turning Toward or Away
• Accepting Influence
• Repair Attempts
• Compromise
• Shared Meaning: Rituals, Goals, Symbols and Meaning
Scoring:
Calculate a percentage for each Brief Sound Relationship House Questionnaire. Count the
number of true responses, divided by 5 and multiply by 100 (count # true/5 × 100) = Scale
Percentage.
Interpretation:
A rough guideline for understanding client’s scores is:
a) 0 to 60% Needs Improvement
b) 61 to 80% Marginal*
c) 81 to 100% Area of Strength
For the following scale: (SRH +)

• Quality of Sex, Romance and Passion in the Relationship Questionnaire
Scoring:
Count the number of questions scored in the desirable direction (the top of each of the two
responses), divide by 27 and multiply by 100 = Quality of Sex, Romance and Passion in the
Relationship Scale Percentage.
Interpretation:
c) 81 to 100% Area of Strength
* When marginal is scored, determine the need for intervention by closely evaluating other
clinical data.
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For the following scales: (SRH -)

• Negative Sentiment Override
• Harsh Start Up
• Gridlock on Perpetual Issues
• The Four Horsemen
• Flooding
• Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness
Scoring:
Calculate a percentage for each Brief Sound Relationship House Questionnaire. Count the
number of true responses, divided by 5 and multiply by 100 (count # true/5 × 100) = Scale
Percentage.
Interpretation:
a) 0 to 20% Area of Strength
c) 41 to 100% Needs Improvement
* When marginal is scored, determine the need for intervention by closely evaluating other clini-
cal data.
For the following scales:

• Trust
• Commitment
Scoring:
Trust: (21 items, 5 alternatives per item from Strongly Disagree to Strongly Agree; if you agree
there’s LOWER trust). Number of Items for which the answer was either Disagree or Strongly
Disagree divided by 21 × 100 = “Total Trust Score.” The clinician is to ask detailed questions
about items marked “Agree” or “Strongly Agree” during the Individual Relational Interview for
further evaluation
Commitment: (27 items, 5 alternatives per item from Strongly Disagree to Strongly Agree; if
you agree there’s MORE commitment). The number of items for which the response was either
Agree or Strongly Agree divided by 27 × 100 = “Total Commitment Score.” This questionnaire is
not scored. The clinician is to ask detailed questions about items marked “Disagree” or “Strongly
Disagree” during the Individual Relational Interview for further evaluation.
Interpretation:
b) 51-100% Area of Strength
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Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual Problems

in Your Relationship - Scoring & Interpretation
Scoring:
1. Emotional distance problems:
Staying emotionally connected. Score 1 if they say they are becoming emotionally distant
and add one point for each sub-item they say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0
and 7. Score divided by 7 × 100 = “Emotional Distance Score.”
2. Handling stresses problems:
Score 1 if they say they have trouble handling stresses and add one point for each sub-item
they say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided by
7 × 100 = “Problems Handling Stress Score.”
3. Handling disagreements problems:
Score 1 if they say they are having problems handling disagreements and add one point for
each sub-item they say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided
by 7 × 100 = “Problems Handling Disagreements Score.”
4. Romance and passion problems:
Score 1 if they say they are having trouble with romance and passion and add one point for
each sub-item they say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided
by 7 × 100 = “Problems in Romance & Passion Score.”
5. Sex problems:
Score 1 if they say overall this area is a problem and add one point for each sub-item they
say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided by 7 × 100 =
“Problems with Sex Score.”
6. Handling major external events problems (e.g., job loss):
“Handling External Events Score.”
7. Problems with children:
“Problems Handling Children Score.”
8. Problems with in-laws and other relatives:
“Problems with In-Laws Score.”
9. Flirtation, attracted to others & jealousy problems:
“Flirtation, Attraction to Others and Jealousy Score.”
10. Recent affair problems:
“Problems with an Affair Score.”
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11. Unpleasant fights problems:

“Unpleasant Fights Score.”
12. Basic values and life style problems:
say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided by 7 × 100 = “Out
of Synch in Basic Values and Life Style Score.”
13. Problems with hard life events (violence, drugs, incarceration):
“Problems with Hard Life Event Score.”
14. Working as a team problems:
“Problems Working Well as a Team Score.”
15. Coping with issues of power problems (power struggles):
say is a problem. Total score then varies between 0 and 7. Score divided by 7 × 100 = “Power
Struggles Score.”
16. Handling finances problems:
“Problems Handling Finances Score.”
17. Having fun together problems:
“Problems Having Fun Together Score.”
18. Building community together problems:
“Problems with Community Score.”
19. Spiritual connection problems:
“Problems with Spiritual Connection Score.”
Interpretation:
a. 0 to 20% Area of Strength

b. 21 to 40% Marginal
c. 41 to 100% Needs Improvement
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The Three “Detour” Scales

Explanation: “Detour” means that the “standard” interventions may need to be interrupted to take
a detour, much like when we are canoeing down a river and we encounter an obstacle like a fallen
log across the river, and we need to find another tributary to continue our journey. This would be
like encountering a client’s physiological flooding, anxiety or anger management needs, alcohol or
drug problems, and so on.
Scoring:
The three “detour” scales are not research based and are currently being used experimentally.
We therefore encourage you to examine these scales by individual item-by-item endorsement.
Nonetheless you can also score them to form overall impressions as follows:
1. Chaos: (15 yes/no items). Number of “yes” responses divided by 15 × 100 = “Total Chaos
Score.”
2. Meta-emotion: (45 items, 5 alternatives per item from Strongly Disagree to Strongly
Agree) Count the number of items that are rated either Agree or Strongly Agree and then
divide by 45 × 100 = “Total Emotion Dismissing Score.”
3. Family History: (79 items, 5 alternatives per item from Strongly Disagree to Strongly
Agree). Count the number of items that are rated either Agree or Strongly Agree and then
divide by 79 × 100 = “Traumatic Family History Score.”
Interpretation:
For Chaos scores, the following is a rough interpretive guideline:
a) 0 to 20% Area of Strength

b) 21 to 40% Marginal
c) 41 to 100% Needs Improvement
For Meta-Emotion scores, the following is a rough interpretive guideline:
a) 0 to 20% Not Emotion Dismissing

b) 21 to 100% Emotion Dismissing
For Family History scores, the following is a rough interpretive guideline:
a) 0 to 15% Mild negativity / Positive Family History

b) 15 to 100% Ask Questions About Traumatic Family History
4-54
Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ)

Scoring:
25 items.
1. Jealousy: Items 1, 3, and 4. Count the number of items for which the score was True.
2. Social Isolation: Items 2, 5, 6, and 10. Count the number of items for which the score was
True.
3. Social Control: Items 7, 8, and 9. Count the number of items for which the score was True.
4. Gaslighting: Item 11. Yes on “being Gaslighted” if the response to this items was True.
5. Humiliation: Items 12, 13, and 14. Count the number of items for which the score was True.
6. Sexual Coercion: Items 15, 19, 20, and 21. Count the number of items for which the score
was True.
7. Threat Or Property Damage: Items 16, 17, 18, 22, 23, 24, and 25. Count the number of
items for which the score was True.
8. Total Emotional Abuse Score: All items. Count the total number of items marked True.
Interpretation:
If on any scale, an item is marked True, this is an area of concern.
4-55
Control, Fear, Suicide Potential and Acts of Physical Aggression

Questionnaires - Scoring
These questionnaires are not scored. The clinician is to ask detailed questions about items marked
“Yes” during the Individual Relational Interview in order to assess the nature and extent of physi-
cal violence in the couple’s relationship. The results of the interview determine the appropriate-
ness of couple’s therapy, inform the treatment plan if therapy is indicated, and help determine an
alternative treatment plan if couples therapy is contraindicated (which may include the formula-
tion of a safety plan if the victim is in danger).
4-56
SCL-90 Scoring & Interpretation Instructions

For each scale:
1. Enter the client’s scores from the questionnaire next to the question number on the score sheet.
2. Add the scores to obtain a Total Raw Score.
3. Divide the Total Raw Score by the number of questions to obtain the Adjusted Mean Score.
4. Compare the Adjusted Mean Score with the Clinical Cutoff Score. If the Adjusted Mean Score is
higher than the Clinical Cutoff Score, that scale is clinically significant.
5. For scales that are significant (or nearly significant), review the client’s responses to specific questions
to gain a clearer understanding. It is often very useful to ask the client what they were thinking when
they answered these specific questions. It is also helpful to quickly scan the questionnaire for items
that are strongly endorsed. This is a screening instrument and is intended to supplement and not
replace clinical, evaluative, and diagnostic skills. It can alert the therapist to areas that need further
attention.
Mean Score
Total Raw
Adjusted
Clinical
Cutoff
Score
Score
÷
Somatization (Perceptions of bodily dysfunction)
1___4___12___27___40___42___48___49___52___53___56___58 12 1.23
Obsessive–Compulsive
3___9___10___28___38___45___46___51___55___65 10 1.18
Interpersonal Sensitivity (Feelings of inadequacy and inferiority)
6___21___34___36___37___41___61___69___73 9 0.96
Depression
5___14___15___20___22___26___29___30___31___32___54___71___79 13 1.50
Anxiety
2___17___23___33___39___57___72___78___80___86 10 1.24
Hostility
11___24___63___67___74___81 6 0.83
Phobic Anxiety
13___25___47___50___70___75___82___ 7 0.69
Paranoid Ideation
8___18___43___68___76___83 6 1.32
Psychoticism
7___16___35___62___77___84___85___87___88___90 10 0.76
Additional Items to Note:

Thoughts of ending your life (15)
Poor appetite (19)
Trouble falling asleep (44)
Thoughts of death or dying (59)
Overeating (60)
Having urges to beat, injure or harm someone (63)
Awakening in the early morning (64)
Sleep that is restless or disturbed (66)
Feelings of guilt (89)
4-57

The CAGE-AID is self-administered. All questions are to be answered with “YES” or “NO”
answers only.
Scoring:
Each “YES” answer equals one (1) point.
Interpretation:
2/4 or greater = positive CAGE, further evaluation is indicated
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Brief Michigan Alcohol Screening Test (b-MAST)

Scoring & Interpretation Instructions
Scoring:
YES NO
1. Do you feel that you are a normal drinker? 0 2
2. Do friends or relatives think you are a normal drinker? 0 2
3. Have you ever attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)? 5 0
4. Have you ever lost friends or girlfriends/boyfriends because of your 2 0
drinking?
5. Have you ever gotten into trouble at work because of your drinking? 2 0
6. Have you ever neglected your obligations, your family, or your work for 2 0
two or more days in a row because you were drinking?
7. Have you ever had delirium tremes (DTs), severe shaking, after heavy 2 0
drinking?
8. Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking? 5 0
9. Have you ever been in a hospital because of drinking? 5 0
10. Have you ever been arrested for drunken driving, or driving after 2 0
drinking?
Column totals (add points in each column)
b-MAST Score (Columns 1+2)
Interpretation:
Negative responses are alcoholic responses to questions 1 and 2.
b-MAST Degree of Problem Suggested

Score Alcohol Involvement Action
0-3 No problems reported None at this time
4 Suggestive of alcoholism Investigate further
5 or more Indicates alcoholism Full assessment
References:
Pokorny, A.D., Miller, B.A., Kaplan, H.B. (1972). The Brief MAST: A shortened version of the
Michigan Alcoholism Screening Test. American Journal of Psychiatry 129(3): 342-345.
Selzer, M.L. (1971) The Michigan Alcoholism Screening Test: The quest for a new diagnostic
instrument. American Journal of Psychiatry 27(12):1653-1658.
4-59

Interpretation Guidelines
4-60
Interpretation guidelines
Area of Strength Marginal* Needs Improvement
SRH + 81 to 100% 61 to 80% 0 to 60%
SRH - 0 to 20% 21 to 40% 41 to 100%
Trust 51 to 100% 0 to 50%
Any items scored as Agree or Strongly Agree indicates need for further evaluation
Commitment 51 to 100% 0 to 50%

Any item scored as Disagree or Strongly Disagree indicates need for further evaluation
19 Areas 0 to 20% 21 to 40% 41 to 100%
* When marginal is scored, determine the need for intervention by closely evaluating other clinical data.
Three “Detour” Scales Area of Strength Marginal* Needs Improvement
Chaos 0 to 20% 21 to 40% 41 to 100%
Not Emotion Dismissing Emotion Dismissing

Meta-Emotion 0 to 20% 20% and more
Mild negativity / Positive Indicates need for further

Family History evaluation
Traumatic Family History 0 to 15% 15% and more
EAQ
If on any scale an item is marked True, this indicates an area of concern.
CAGE-AID
Score of 2/4 or greater indicates positive CAGE, need for further evaluation
b-MAST
b-MAST Degree of Problem Suggested
Score Alcohol Involvement Action
0-3 No problems reported None at this time
4 Suggestive of alcoholism Investigate further
5 or more Indicates alcoholism Full assessment
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Client ID#: Date:
Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary

Partner 1 Partner 2
Cut-off P1 P2 Three Detour Scales P1 P2

Locke-Wallace <85 Chaos
Weiss Cerretto >4 Meta-Emotion (Emotion Dismissing)
Family History (Traumatic History)
Sound Relationship House P1 P2
+ Love Maps Emotional Abuse (EAQ) P1 P2
+ Fondness & Admiration
Jealousy 1, 3, 4
+ Turning Towards or Away
- Neg. Sentiment Override Social Isolation 2, 5, 6, 10
- Harsh Start-up Social Control 7, 8, 9
+ Accepting Influence Gaslighting 11
+ Repair Attempts
+ Compromise Humiliation 12, 13, 14
- Gridlock Sexual Coercion 15, 19-21
- Four Horsemen Threat or Property
16-18, 22-25
- Flooding Damage
- Emotional Disengagement Total Emotional Abuse Score
+ Sex, Romance & Passion
+ Shared Meaning - Rituals P1 P2
+ Shared Meaning - Goals
+ Shared Meaning - Roles Control
+ Shared Meaning - Symbols Fear
Trust Suicide Potential
Commitment Acts of Physical Aggression
19 Areas Checklist P1 P2 Clinical

Staying Emotionally Connected SCL-90 Cut-off P1 P2
Handling Job & Other Stresses Somatization So 1.23
Handling Disagreement Obsessive-Compulsive OC 1.18
Romance & Passion Interpersonal Sensitivity IS 0.96
Sex Life Depression D 1.50
Important & Traumatic Events Anxiety A 1.24
Parenting Issues Anger-Hostility AH 0.83
In-laws or Relatives Phobic Anxiety PA 0.69
Jealousy / Attracted to Others Paranoid Ideation PI 1.32
Recent Affair Psychoticism Ps 0.76
Unpleasant Fights Q. 15 End Life
Basic Values & Goals Q. 63 Urges to Harm
Hard Life Events Q. 3 Unwanted
Work as a Team Thoughts
Power & Influence Drug & Alcohol Screening P1 P2
Finances
CAGE AID
Fun Together
Building Community b-MAST
Spirituality
Notes:
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4.5. Review of The Sound Relationship House

There are five parts to The Sound Relationship House:
•• The first part of The Sound Relationship House consists of three levels that are
about the relationship’s friendship. These levels include Love Maps (knowing each
other), The Fondness and Admiration System, and Turning Towards or Away (the
Emotional Bank Account).
•• The second part of The Sound Relationship House is the Positive or Negative
Perspective. We will help you assess whether or not the couple has a Negative
Perspective.
•• The third part of The Sound Relationship House has to do with the Regulation of
Conflict. In this level, we will help decide which of the couple’s issues are Perpetual
Problems and which are Solvable Problems. With regard to Conflict Regulation,
we will help to assess Startup (whether it is harsh), Accepting Influence, whether
Repair Attempts are effective, and how good both partners are at Compromise.
With regard to Perpetual Problems, we will help decide if the couple is in Gridlock,
if the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have visited the relationship, whether
the couple feels Flooded, and if they are becoming Emotionally Disengaged and
Lonely.
•• The fourth part of The Sound Relationship House has to do with the couple’s
ability to honor one another’s dreams and to create meaning together. This is
important in its own right, and it also affects the relationship’s basic friendship.
l The fifth part of The Sound Relationship House consists of the walls, “Trust” and
“Commitment,” that hold the house up. Trust is defined how both partners act
and thinks to maximize the other person’s benefits and interests, not just their own.
Commitment is the couple’s belief, and acting on that belief, that their relationship
with each other is a lifelong journey, for better or for worse.
Your goal is to use the questionnaires to obtain a PROFILE of strengths and areas that
need improvement for a relationship, rather than a global assessment of happiness (e.g.,
The Locke-Wallace) or judgment of potential instability (e.g., the Weiss-Cerretto).
Here are some guidelines:
•• L ook for specific problem items and strengths within each scale for each partner.
•• Compare partners to examine discrepancies (for example, does one partner get
flooded but the other does not get flooded?).
•• Does the clinical examination of the questionnaires support your own clinical
interviewing, Oral History Interview impressions, their Narratives, and the
videotape you made in your office of their conflict discussion? (and, if you did this
as well, their Events of the Day conversation).
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•• W hat new information did you learn from the Individual Interviews?
•• What new information did you learn from the physiological assessments you did
during conflict?
•• Put all this together in a summary assessment of the Levels of the SRH for the
feedback session.
We have validated the SRH scales for 130 couples we have been following for four years.
This means that the questionnaires are not merely the person’s perception of things
such as Love Maps; they actually are closely related to what someone would actually be
scored on the Buehlman Coding of the Oral History Interview for the Fondness and
Admiration scale, for example. The SRH scales correlated very well with our Specific
Affect Coding of conflict videotapes and Buehlman Oral History Coding. These two
scales provide the best longitudinal predictors from the Gottman laboratory of relation-
ship breakup and relationship satisfaction.
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House Scales
By John Gottman, Ph.D.
The Sound Relationship House (SRH) Scales were designed based on the theory pro-
posed originally in the book The Relationship Clinic (Gottman, 1999). They were de-
signed to measure each of the following 16 constructs of the theory:
Friendship & Intimacy
• Love Maps
• Fondness and Admiration
• Turning Toward or Away
• Emotional Distance and Loneliness
Conflict
• Harsh Startup
• Compromise
Conflict Processes
• Flooding
• Effective Repair Attempts
Meaning
• Shared Meaning Rituals

• Shared Meaning Roles
• Shared Meaning Goals
• Shared Meaning Symbols
The enormous difficulty obtaining a PROFILE of relationship functioning
The questionnaires were designed to obtain a profile of a couple’s relationship instead of

a global satisfaction or happiness score. Beginning in 1938 with Terman et al.’s classic
study on marital happiness, sociologists realized that just about any dimension of a mar-
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riage that was assessed with self-report measures tended to load on only one single factor.
They began to conclude that there were two halo effects creating this global unidimen-
sionality of marital self-report measures. The first halo effect was that people in unhappy
marriages tended to endorse almost any negative statement about their partner; the second
halo effect was that people in happy marriages tended to endorse almost any positive
statement about their partner (Burgess, Locke, & Thomes, 1971). These two halo effects
combined to create a one-factor solution for any combination of self-report measures of
marital relationships.
Needless to say, a uni-dimensional assessment of a relationship is particularly useless for

a clinician. It stands to reason that most couples coming for relationship therapy will not
be very surprised by the conclusion that they are unhappy. Nor will such an assessment
help to instill confidence in the clinician’s powers of observation, deduction, or clinical
acumen. Thus, for clinical uses alone, creating a set of self-report measures of a relation-
ship that gave a profile of the relationship was an obvious goal.
The design of the Sound Relationship House theory followed from the longitudinal stud-
ies of marriages and same-sex relationships conducted by Gottman and his colleagues
over a period of 27 years before the publication of The Relationship Clinic. These studies
replicated an ability of a particular set of variables to predict the longitudinal course of a
relationship, particularly stability and happiness. These variables were obtained from the
following data sources: (1) Specific Affect (SPAFF) Coding of a couple’s conflict discus-
sion of an area of major continuing disagreement; (2) Buehlman Oral History Interview
(OHI) coding of a couple’s history and philosophy of their relationship; (3) their auto-
nomic physiology during their interaction.
There were some obvious limitations in the SRH scales. In particular, although the SRH
scales appeared to be clinically useful, there was no way of knowing if a profile were
simply mapping people’s perception of the relationship, or if they were actually valid.
Also, the scales contained many items, which made the scales have high Cronbach alpha
(internal consistency) reliability (Ryan & Gottman, unpublished). This high number of
items is useful for research purposes, and they are helpful in clinical assessment of a
relationship, but many of our Relationship Clinics clinicians thought that the scales were
unwieldy for clinical use, because they required so much time for the couple to complete,
and they also required so much time for the clinician to analyze.
Our First Study
Participants in Study 1 were 51 couples taking a two-day workshop in marital com-

munication. They filled out the Sound Relationship House questionnaires (SRH), the
Locke-Wallace, the Symptom Checklist SCL-90 (Derogatis, Lipman, & Covi, 1973), the
Weiss Cerreto Marital Status Inventory, which measures persistent thoughts and actions
about divorce (Weiss & Cerreto, 1980). They received no subject fees. Husbands were an
average of 45.3 years old (SD = 8.8), had education college plus .1 years graduate work,
earned an average of $80,800, and wives were an average of 43.7 years old (SD = 8.5),
and had education of 3.7 years of college, and earned an average of $67,200. The sample
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of husbands was 91.5% Caucasian, 1.5% African-American, 1.5% Asian- American,

3.1% Hispanic-American, and 2.3% Native-American; wives were 92.1% Caucasian,
3.2% African-American, 3.2% Asian-American, 0% Hispanic-American, and 1.6%
Native-American. The mean Locke-Wallace scores were: husband 66.69 (SD=15.71),
wife 72.16 (SD=16.36).
The following scales were administered to these couples. In the area of friendship
Love Maps (20 items, sample item: I know my partner’s current worries), Fondness and
Admiration (20 items, sample item: I am really proud of my partner), Turning Toward
(sample item: My partner is usually interested in hearing my views on things), and
Emotional Disengagement (20 items, sample item: Sometimes our marriage feels empty
to me).
In the area of Sex, Romance, and Passion (two 6-item scales from the 17-areas scale, the
Romance and Passion scale, and the sex problems scale. Sample romance item: The fire
has gone out of this marriage; sample sex item: One problem is the amount of love in our
love making).
I n the area of conflict: Harsh Startup (sample item: I hate the way my partner raises an
issue), Accepting Influence (20 items, sample item: I believe in lots of give and take in
our discussions), Compromise (20 items, sample item: In discussing issues we can usu-
ally find our common ground of agreement), The Four Horsemen (33 items, sample item:
I can get mean and insulting in our disputes), and Gridlock on Perpetual Issues (20 items,
sample item: The same problems keep coming up again and again in our marriage).
I n the area of shared meaning: Shared goals (10 items, sample item: We share many of
the same goals in our life together), shared roles (7 items, sample item: My partner and
I have compatible views about the role of work in one’s life), shared rituals (20 items,
sample item: During weekends we do a lot of things together that we enjoy and value
), and shared symbols (20 items, sample item: We see eye-to-eye about what a “home”
means).
There were also separate scales for Negative Sentiment Override (20 items, sample item:
In the recent past in my marriage: I felt innocent of blame for this problem), Flooding
(15 items, sample item: I have a hard time calming down), and Repair (20 items, sample
item: I can say that I am wrong).
he scales had the following Cronbach alphas for husband and wife, respectively, in the
T
area of friendship: Love Maps (.61, .59); Fondness and Admiration (.91,.91); Turning
Toward (.91, .90); and Emotional Distance (.91, .91); Sex, Romance, and Passion (.90,
.89). In the area of conflict: Harsh Startup (.93, .91); Accepting Influence (.39, .37);
Compromise (.62, .61); The Four Horsemen (.94, .93); and Gridlock on Perpetual Issues
(.91, .90). In the area of shared meaning: shared goals (.86, .72); shared rituals (.77, .76);
shared Roles (.45, .49), shared symbols (.85, .80). For the scales of Negative Sentiment
Override (.92, .92); Flooding (.89, .88); and Repair (.87, .87).
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he scales Accepting Influence, and Shared Meaning via Roles were deemed to have
T
reliabilities too low to be useful, unless combined with other scales. For data reduction
purposes, data from these scales were combined to form the seven constructs previously
described. The friendship score was the sum of the following scales: love maps, fondness
and admiration, turning toward, minus emotional distance. Sex, romance, and passion
was a combination of two 6-item scales. Destructive-to-constructive conflict was the sum
of the following scales: harsh startup, plus the four horsemen, and gridlock, minus ac-
cepting influence, and minus compromise; lower or more negative scores on this compos-
ite indicate constructive rather than destructive conflict. The shared meaning total score
was the sum of the four shared meaning scales, rituals, roles, goals, and symbols. The
final Cronbach alphas were, for husband and wife, respectively: Friendship: .95, .94; Sex,
romance and passion: .90, .89; Negative sentiment override: .92, .92; Destructive or con-
structive marital conflict (abbreviated as “destructive conflict”): .94, .94; Repair effective-
ness: .87, .87; Flooding: .89, .88; and Shared meaning total score: .93, .90.
he correlations of the SMH variables with SCL-90 total score and the Weiss-Cerreto are
T
summarized in Table 1. As can be seen from the table, as expected, the SMH variables all
correlate with these two established scales2.
Table 1. Validity check on the seven SMH variables.
Weiss-Cerreto SCL-90
Wife Flooding .33* -.31*
Wife Repair -.43** .35**
Wife NSO .25* -.37**
Wife Sex/Passion/Romance -.42** .44**
W Shared Meaning -.42** .38**
Wife Friendship -.41** .48***
Wife Destructive Conflict .40** -.48***
Husband Flooding .27* -.36**

Husband Repair -.41** .31*
Husband NSO .19 -.24
Husband Sex/Passion/Romance -.40** .33*
Husband Shared Meaning -.37** .41**
Husband Friendship -.43** .45***
Husband Destructive Conflict .33* -.38**
*p< .05; ** p< .01; *** p< .001. NSO = negative sentiment override.
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Thus, our initial reliability and validity study was conducted by John Gottman with Kim
Ryan. We tested the validity and reliability of the long form of the Sound Relationship
House Scales, examining their relationships with the Locke-Wallace (1959) Marital
Adjustment Test (MAT) – a widely used measure of relationship satisfaction, the Weiss-
Cerreto Marital Status Scale (MSI) – a widely used measure of the potential for relation-
ship breakup, and the SCL-90R, a widely-used measure of psychopathology. The Tables
below summarize the correlations for summary scores with the Locke-Wallace.
Husband Lock- Wallace

Husband Flooding -.42**
Husband Repair .62***
Husband Negative Sentiment Override -.47***
Husband Expansiveness .65***
Husband Shared Meaning .68***
Husband Friendship .70***
Husband Conflict -.71***
*p<.05; ** p<.01; *** p<.001
Wife Lock-Wallace
Wife Flooding -.36**
Wife Repair .58***
Wife Negative Sentiment Override -.45***
Wife Expansiveness .67***
Wife Shared Meaning .68***
Wife Friendship .70***
Wife Conflict -.66***
* p<.05; ** p<.01; *** p<.001
Cronbach Alphas (N=61 couples)
Cronbach alpha (a) represents one kind of reliability, called the “internal consistency reli-
ability” of a set of items. It is the most standard type of reliability reported. Low reliabili-
ties can be due to the scale measuring more than one thing (factor), or random error (that
is, poor measurement).
Scale Husband Wife

Love Maps .61 .58
Fondness & Admiration .90 .91
Turning Toward .90 .89
Negative Sentiment Override .92 .92
17-areas .77 .73
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Harsh Startup .93 .89

Accepts Influence .39 .33
Repair .86 .88
Compromise .53 .50
Gridlock .91 .89
Four Horsemen .94 .91
Flooding .89 .86
Emotional Distance & Loneliness .89 .88
Shared Meaning Total .92 .89
I ndividual Shared Meanings Scales: Husband - Rituals .68, Roles .45, Symbols .85; Wife
- Rituals .80, Roles .73, Symbols .70.
Accepts Influence: We were worried about the low reliability of the Accepting Influence
scale; at the time of the first study. We also did not know if the scale had any validity.
Was it measuring anything of value? Was it measuring only how much influence people
thought they accepted? There may have been a lot of social desirability response bias in
this scale. The second study allayed our fears about that scale.
Our Second Study
Recently, we conducted a study with 130 couples going through the transition to parent-
hood in which we were able to obtain both SRH self-report data, as well as the predic-
tive domain variables from other methods of measurement (SPAFF and Buehlman Oral
History Coding --OHI). In each case specific predictions were made to test the validity of
the items. For example, do love maps on the five-item scales correlate with the Buehlman
Oral History Interview Coding? The following tables summarize these reliabilities and
validities for reduced 5-item scales. Our clinicians were asking for scales that took less
time for couples to complete.
Overall 5-Item Scale Score Results Reliabilities (Cronbach Alphas)
We repeat that Cronbach alpha (a) represents one kind of reliability, called the “internal
consistency reliability” of a set of items. It is the most standard type of reliability re-
ported. Low reliabilities can be due to the scale measuring more than one thing (factor),
or random error (that is, poor measurement). The alpha is strongly affected by the number
of items. Longer scales usually have larger alphas; however, if the reduced set of items
measures a purer construct, the alpha could actually increase with fewer items (but this is
not too likely). The following are the Cronbach alpha reliabilities for the SRH scales. In
italics are the long-scale reliabilities.
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• Love Maps (H a = .37; W a =.54) (H a = .52; W a =.68)

• Fondness and Admiration (H a = .67; W a =.81) (H a = .83; W a =.87)
• Turning Toward or Away (H a = .67; W a =.74) (H a = .83; W a =.87)
• Emotional Distance and Loneliness (H a = .78; W a =.85) (H a = .81; W a =.88)
Conflict
• Harsh Startup (H a = .76; W a =.75) (H a = .90; W a =.91)

• The Four Horsemen (H a = .70; W a =.76) (H a = .92; W a =.94)
• Gridlock on Perpetual Issues (H a = .65; W a =.72) (H a = .87; W a =.91)
• Accepting Influence (H a = .55; W a =.43) (H a = .75; W a =.75). Much better!
• Compromise (H a = .69; W a =.77) (H a = .75; W a =.73)
Conflict Processes
• Flooding (H a = .73; W a =.81) (H a = .88; W a =.90)

• Negative Sentiment Override (H a = .83; W a =.84) (H a = .92; W a =.93)
• Effective Repair Attempts (H a = .73; W a =.68) (H a = .85; W a =.82)
Meaning
• Shared Meaning Rituals (H a = .34; W a =.63) (H a = .60; W a =.74)

• Shared Meaning Roles (H a = .57; W a =.64) (H a = .49; W a =.68)
• Shared Meaning Goals (H a = .58; W a =.81) (H a = .70; W a =.85)
• Shared Meaning Symbols (H a = .59; W a =.57) (H a = .80; W a =.87)
• (Over all Meaning Scales H a = .87; W a =.93)
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VALIDITIES
The following tables present correlations across the entire sample. Only specific tables
are presented because these predictions were made in advance of examining the items.
(* p<.05; ** p<.01;***p<.001).
• Love Maps. 5-Item Questionnaires Love Maps with Oral History Love Maps
Oral History Interview Coding Love Map Score Husband Wife

H Love Maps .28*** .47***
W Love Maps .24** .32***
• Fondness and Admiration. 5-Item Questionnaires Fondness & Admiration with Oral
History Fondness & Admiration
Oral History Interview Coding F&A Score Husband Wife

H F&A .38*** .36***
W F&A .48*** .44***
• Turning Toward or Away. 5-Item Questionnaires Turning Toward with Oral History
We-ness
Oral History Interview Coding We-ness Score Husband Wife

H Turning Toward .48*** .49***
W Turning Toward .49** .51***
• Emotional Distance and Loneliness.
OHI Overall Negativity Husband Wife

H Emot Distance .37*** .39***
W Emot Distance .39*** .43***
Conflict
• Harsh Startup
SPAFF Neg/(Neg+Pos) Husband Wife
H Harsh Startup .18* .24**
W Harsh Startup .20* .32***
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SPAFF: Hcrit Hdefens Hcontempt HStone
H Four Horsemen .44*** .29*** .36*** .30***
W Four Horsemen .37*** .24** .32*** .30***
H Gridlock .36*** .24** .43*** .14
W Gridlock . 40*** .19* .19* .21*
SPAFF: Wcrit Wdefens Wcontempt Wstone

H Four Horsemen .47*** .26** .39*** .34***
W Four Horsemen .35*** .24** .22* .32***
H Gridlock .31*** .18* .39*** .47***
W Gridlock . 30*** .32*** .12 .15
H Accepting Influence -.25** -.26**
W Accepting Influence .21* -.40***

The Accepts Influence in its short form – the scale’s reliability and validity was demon-
strated. This made me feel better about the scale.
• Compromise
H Compromise -.15 -.22*
W Compromise -.26** -.39***
Conflict Processes
• Flooding
H Flooding .32*** 34***
W Flooding .23** .31***
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SPAFF Overall Negative/ (Neg+Pos) Husband Wife
H NSO .27** 32***
W NSO .25** . .30***
• Effective Repair Attempts

H Accepts Repair -.15 -.24**
W Accepts Repair .37*** -.41***
Meaning
• Shared Meaning Rituals

• Shared Meaning Roles
• Shared Meaning Goals
• Shared Meaning Symbols
OHI Overall Negativity

OHI Glorifying OHI Chaos
H Ritual .11 -.42***
W Ritual .09 -. 33***
H Roles .18* -.26**
W Roles .13 -.38***
H Goals .25** -.37***
W Goals .10 -.35***
H Symbols .12 -.33***
W Symbols .13 -.36***
The table above shows that there is a significant relationship between the shared meaning
scales and the Oral History Interview Chaos and Glorifying the Struggle scales.
Specific Processes Were Then Examined
Several process predictions were made to test the validity of the Sound Relationship
House Scales. One prediction was that high scores on the meaning scales would be relat-
ed to lower anger (particularly for men) and lower sadness (particularly for women). The
findings were that the meaning scales were related to anger and sadness for both genders,
but more clearly for women. The following table presents these results.
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Meaning Scale Scores and SPAFF Anger & Sadness
Meaning Scale H Anger H Sadness W Anger W Sadness

H Rituals -.12 .01 -.21* -.24**
W Rituals .04 .01 -.04 -.38***
H Roles -.08 .02 -.07 -.19*
W Roles -.06 .00 -.22** -.45***
H Goals -.41*** -.07 -.31*** -.21*
W Goals .01 .00 -.17* -.53***
H Symbols -.23** -.03 -.16 -.01
W Symbols -.15 .00 -.26** -.31***
Sadness and Anger and Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness
The following tables test the prediction that in conflict discussions SPAFF anger is higher
when people report also report being emotionally disengagement and lonely. The tables
below show that when people report being emotionally disengagement and lonely, both
people are more angry, but only the wife is more sad during conflict discussions.
Overall Scale Scores H Anger H Sadness W Anger W Sadness

H Emotional Disengagement .18* .04 .22* .12
W Emotional Disengagement .00 -.05 .22* .38***
The specific item correlations follow:
SPAFF Anger
Husband Scale Husband Wife
1. I often find myself disappointed (1) .28*** .20*
2. I will at times be quite lonely(3) .27** .14
3. Hard for my deepest feelings to get attention (4) .04 .15
4. There is not enough closeness between us (14) -.08 .13
5. I have adapted to a lot, not a good idea (17) .28** .19*
Wife Scale Husband Wife

1. I often find myself disappointed (1) .01 .20*
2. I will at times be quite lonely(3) .08 .19*
3. Hard for my deepest feelings to get attention (4) -.03 .13
4. There is not enough closeness between us (14) -.02 .26**
5. I have adapted to a lot, not a good idea (17) -.01 .05
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SPAFF Sadness
1.I often find myself disappointed (1) .05 .16
2.In will at times be quite lonely(3) .11 .06
3.Hard for my deepest feelings to get attention (4) .03 .11
4.There is not enough closeness between us (14) -.08 .16
5. I have adapted to a lot, not a good idea (17) .07 -.06

1.I often find myself disappointed (1) -.01 .35***
2.In will at times be quite lonely(3) -.07 .26**
3.Hard for my deepest feelings to get attention (4) -.04 .28***
4.There is not enough closeness between us (14) -.05 .25**
5. I have adapted to a lot, not a good idea (17) -.01 .44***
Physiological Variables
Many will be wondering about physiology. Unfortunately, physiology was not available
in this sample for the Time-1 interactions, due to equipment and software problems, but it
was available for the Time-3 interactions (when the babies were one year old), using lap-
top J&J Engineering technology, recorded in couples’ homes during conflict discussions
and synchronized with the video.
One interesting result was that the husband’s Four Horsemen (self-report, reduced scale)
at Time-1 was significantly predictive of lower wife vagal tone (r = -.23, p< .05) and
higher wife sympathetic nervous system arousal (r = .22, p< .05) at Time-3. These vari-
ables were both computed from the heart period spectrum at Time-3.
The purpose of this study was to conduct initial reliability and validity analyses for the
Sound Relationship House questionnaires.
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Specific Item Correlations with Validity Variables
The following tables present the individual item correlations with the SPAFF and Oral
History variables.
1. Love Maps
OHI Love Maps

1. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams (4) .18* .27**
2. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least (7) .13 .25**
3. My partner familiar with my current stresses (10) . 20* .28***
4. I can list partner’s major aspirations and hopes (13) .13 .29***
5. I know my partner’s current worries (14) .12 .18*

1. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams .10 .15
2. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least .16 .28**
3. My partner familiar with my current stresses .11 .05
4. I can list partner’s major aspirations and hopes .10 .13
5. I know my partner’s current worries .23** .30***
2. Fondness and Admiration
OHI Fondness
1.My partner really respects me (5) .30*** .38***
2.I feel loved and cared for (6) .22*** .28***
3.Romance is something we have (11) .23** .24**
4.Come into room partner glad to see me (17) .21* .24**
5. Partner appreciates what I do (18) .22* .17

1.My partner really respects me (5) .39*** .39***
2.I feel loved and cared for (6) .37*** .38***
3.Romance is something we have (11) .32*** .35***
4.Come into room partner glad to see me (17) .32*** .37***
5. Partner appreciates what I do (18) .35*** .41***
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3. Turning Toward or Away
OHI We-ness
1.Really enjoy discussing things (5) .28*** .32***
2.Always have a lot to say to each other (10) .23** .21*
3.We have a lot of fun in everyday lives (11) .42*** .44***
4.A lot of interests in common (15) .34*** .30***
5. Like to do a lot of the same things (17) .32*** .39***

1.Really enjoy discussing things (5) .30*** .30***
2.Always have a lot to say to each other (10) .40*** .41***
3.We have a lot of fun in everyday lives (11) .34*** .39***
4.A lot of interests in common (15) .36*** .30***
5. Like to do a lot of the same things (17) .34*** .40***
4. Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness
OHI Disillusionment
1. I often find myself disappointed (1) .37*** .35***
2. I will at times be quite lonely(3) .39*** .36***
3. Hard for my deepest feelings to get attention (4) .38*** .38***
4.There is not enough closeness between us (14) .45*** .45***
5. I have adapted to a lot, not a good idea (17) .33*** .39***

1. I often find myself disappointed (1) .40*** .43***
2. I will at times be quite lonely(3) .29*** .35***
3. Hard for my deepest feelings to get attention (4) .42*** .39***
4.There is not enough closeness between us (14) .49*** .49***
5. I have adapted to a lot, not a good idea (17) .23** .18*
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5. Harsh Startup
SPAFF: Hcrit Hdefens Hcontempt Hstone

Husband Scale
Arguments out of nowhere (3) .25** .15 .22* .21*
I get blamed (6) .18* .18* .16 .10
Spouse Crit My Personality (12) .10 .29** .24** .19*
Our Calm Is Shattered (18) .00 -.03 .07 .11
Partner’s Negativity Unnerv (19) -.02 .00 .05 .31***
Wife Scale
Arguments out of nowhere (3) .20* .12 .03 .13
I get blamed (6) .34*** .11 .24** .35***
Spouse Crit My Personality (12) .31*** .02 .10 .27**
Our Calm Is Shattered (18) .26** .13 .08 .27**
Partner’s Negativity Unnerv (19) .24** .15 .15 .20*
Husband Scale Wcrit Wdefens Wcontempt Wstone

Arguments out of nowhere (3) .26** .21* .16 .21*
I get blamed (6) .24** .05 .15 .19*
Spouse Crit My Personality (12) .25** .04 .29*** .33***
Our Calm Is Shattered (18) .06 .09 .01 .06
Partner’s Negativity Unnerv (19) .12 .04 .20* .07
Wife Scale
1.Arguments out of nowhere (3) .22** .23** .11 .05
2. I get blamed (6) .10 .22* .13 .04
3. Spouse Crit My Personality (12) .17* .28*** .15 -.05
4. Our Calm Is Shattered (18) .27** .10 .08 .04
5. Partner’s Negativity Unnerv (19) .24** .28*** .20* .07
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6. Four Horsemen
SPAFF: Hcrit Hdefens Hcontempt Hstone

Husband Scale
1.I have to defend myself (4) .34*** .23** .25** .18*
2.Feel Unappreciated (5) .36*** .16 .29*** .00
3.Partner Doesn’t face issues (19) .34*** .18* .26** .25**
4.I am not guilty but accused (28) .25*** .30*** .21* .41***
5.Partner Not Rational(33) .23** .14 .20* .19*
Wife Scale
1.I have to defend myself (4) .25** .08 .17 .11
2.Feel Unappreciated (5) .36*** .16 31*** .19*
3.Partner Doesn’t face issues (19) .16 .21* .16 .07
4.I am not guilty but accused (28) .25** .20* .26** .44***
5.Partner Not Rational(33) .30*** .23** .26** .27**

1.I have to defend myself (4) .42*** .24** .26** .21*
2.Feel Unappreciated (5) .23** .23** .18* .31***
3.Partner Doesn’t face issues (19) .25** 0.04 .23** .27**
4.I am not guilty but accused (28) .39*** .18* .30*** 0.17
5.Partner Not Rational(33) .30*** .20* .34*** .20*
Wife Scale
1.I have to defend myself (4) .28*** .16 .26** .19*
2.Feel Unappreciated (5) .24** .26** .10 .16
3.Partner Doesn’t face issues (19) .23** .15 .05 .34***
4.I am not guilty but accused (28) .19* .20* .20* .27**
5.Partner Not Rational(33) .34*** .11 .21* .23**
4-83
7. Gridlock on Perpetual Issues
Hcrit Hdefens Hcontempt Hstone

Husband Scale
1.We Keep Hurting Each Other(3) .24** 0.12 .17* 0.09
2. Long List of Unreas Demands (5) .23** 0.14 .37*** .19*
3. Don’t feel respected (9) .29*** .29*** .34*** -0.04
4. Partner Acts Selfishly (10) .20* 0.01 .25** 0.06
5. Partner is totally right (20) 0.17 .24** .28** .18*
Wife Scale
1.We Keep Hurting Each Other(3) .36*** .17 .07 .15
2. Long List of Unreas Demands (5) .43*** -.01 .20* .35***
3. Don’t feel respected (9) .36*** .11 .16 .09
4. Partner Acts Selfishly (10) .26** .24** .16 .30***
5. Partner is totally right (20) .12 .10 .13 .00

1.We Keep Hurting Each Other(3) .06 .02 .10 .25**
2. Long List of Unreas Demands (5) .38*** .05 .33*** .39***
3. Don’t feel respected (9) .23** .24** .29*** .40***
4. Partner Acts Selfishly (10) .19* .16 .29*** .23**
5. Partner is totally right (20) .09 .27** .26** .23**
Wife Scale
1.We Keep Hurting Each Other(3) .37*** .34*** .11 .08
2. Long List of Unreas Demands (5) -.03 .16 -.03 -.03
3. Don’t feel respected (9) .18* .42*** .04 .08
4. Partner Acts Selfishly (10) .33*** .13 .18* .06
5. Partner is totally right (20) .10 .11 .06 .25**
4-84
8. Accepting Influence

Husband Scale
1.Want partner feel influential (4) -.38** -.40*** -.51*** -.12
2. Can listen to partner (5) -.10 -.14 -.22* -.15
3.Partner has common sense (6) -.20* -.13 -.05 -.21*
4.Don’t reject part’s opinions (9) -.17 -.26** -.14 -.12
5.Partner is great prob solver(15) -.27** -.21* -.24** -.17
Wife Scale
1.Want partner feel influential (4) .05 .05 .03 .05
2. Can listen to partner (5) -.25** -.16 -.24** -.19*
3.Partner has common sense (6) -.05 -.27** -.24** -.14
4.Don’t reject part’s opinions (9) -.12 .01 .25** .06
5.Partner is great prob solver(15) -.14 -.11 -.07 -.13

1.Want partner feel influential (4) -.39*** -.13 -.39*** -.90***
2. Can listen to partner (5) -.23* -.18* -.21* -.14
3.Partner has common sense (6) -.15 -.14 -.03 -.01
4.Don’t reject part’s opinions (9) -.18* .09 -.09 -.28***
5.Partner is great prob solver(15) -.09 -.13 -.10 -.18*
Wife Scale
1.Want partner feel influential (4) .02 .10 .03 .03
2. Can listen to partner (5) -.25** -.17 -.25** -.18*
3.Partner has common sense (6) -.37*** -.03 -.06 -.22*
4.Don’t reject part’s opinions (9) -.15 -.08 -.08 -.10
5.Partner is great prob solver(15) -.24** -.14 -.08 -.21*
4-85
9. Compromise
Percent Negative SPAFF

1.Usually Good at Resolving Differences (2) -.09 -.10
2.Meet each other half way (8) -.03 -.16
3.Find Common Ground (12) -.11 -18*
4.Not difficult for me to yield power (18) -.10 -.11
5. Give and Take in Decisions not a problem (19) -.18* -.19*

1.Usually Good at Resolving Differences (2) -.20* -.29***
2.Meet each other half way (8) -.20* -.31***
3.Find Common Ground (12) -.17* -.26**
4.Not difficult for me to yield power (18) -.18* -.32***
5. Give and Take in Decisions not a problem (19) -.18* -.23**
10. Shared Meaning Rituals

the Struggle
1.Reunions at End of Day are special (3) .01 -.36***
2.Weekends Do things we enjoy (6) .06 -.13
3.Enjoy vacations and travel together (10) .00 -.12
4.Good Time doing Errands together(12) -.21* .16
5.Can refresh when burned out or fatigued (13) .07 -.24**

the Struggle
1. Reunions at End of Day are special (3) -.06 -.09
2. Weekends Do things we enjoy (6) .08 -.21*
3. Enjoy vacations and travel together (10) .19* -.28***
4. Good Time doing Errands together(12) .08 -.24**
5. Can refresh when burned out or fatigued (13) .05 -.26**
4-86
11. Shared Meaning Roles

the Struggle
1. Similar Values as Lovers and Partners (14) .08 -.14
2. Compatible views about role of work (17) .04 -.04
3. Balancing Work and Family together (18) .24** -29***
4. Partner supports my basic missions in life (19) .15 -.12
5. Importance of family and kin (20) .07 -.13

the Struggle
1. Similar Values as Lovers and Partners (14) .16 -.32***
2. Compatible views about role of work (17) .12 -.30***
3. Balancing Work and Family together (18) .08 -.22*
4. Partner supports my basic missions in life (19) .10 -30***
5. Importance of family and kin (20) .02 -.16
12. Shared Meaning Goals

the Struggle
1. Old Age View Paths Had Merged Well (22) .18* -.19*
2. Partner Values My Accomplishments (23) .06 -.25**
3. Partner Honors My personal Goals (24) .13 -.29***
4. We have similar Financial Goals (26) .23** -.27**
5. Hopes and Aspirations Similar (28) .14 -.11

the Struggle
1. Old Age View Paths Had Merged Well (22) .09 -.33***
2. Partner Values My Accomplishments (23) .18* -.31***
3. Partner Honors My personal Goals (24) .04 -.23**
4. We have similar Financial Goals (26) .01 -.22*
5. Hopes and Aspirations Similar (28) .07 -.22*
4-87
13. Shared Meaning Symbols

the Struggle
1. Similar on what a home means (31) .15 -.20*
2. Similar Views about the role of sex (35) .01 -.21*
3. Similar Views on Love and Affection (36) .10 -.28***
4. The Meaning of Money (38) .04 -.01
5. The Meaning of Autonomy & Independence (44) .11 -.38***

the Struggle
1. Similar on what a home means (31) .06 -.22**
2. Similar Views about the role of sex (35) .02 -.24**
3. Similar Views on Love and Affection (36) .17* -.21*
4. The Meaning of Money (38) .13 -.22**
5. The Meaning of Autonomy & Independence (44) 02 -.22*
14. Negative Sentiment Override
SPAFF Positive/
(Negative+Positive)
1. Felt Innocent of Blame (3) .26** .19*
2. Felt Unjustly Accused (8) .26** .27**
3. Felt Personally Attacked (11) .14 .29***
4. Felt Unjustly Criticized (19) .15 .31***
5. Wanted the Negativity to Just Stop (20) .27** .20*
SPAFF Positive/
(Negative+Positive)
1. Felt Innocent of Blame (3) 21* .24**
2. Felt Unjustly Accused (8) .12 .23**
3. Felt Personally Attacked (11) .24** .20*
4. Felt Unjustly Criticized (19) .18* .30***
5. Wanted the Negativity to Just Stop (20) .28** .22*
4-88
15. Effective Repair Attempts
SPAFF Positive/
(Negative+Positive)
1. We are good at taking breaks (1) -.22* -.27**
2. Maintain Humor when arguing (2) .06 -.19*
3. Good listeners even when different views (8) -.04 -.15
4. When things get heated we can pull out of it (9) -.07 -.14
5. Partner can soothe me when I’m upset (10) -.17 -.13
SPAFF Positive/
(Negative+Positive)
1. We are good at taking breaks (1) -.08 -.13
2. Maintain Humor when arguing (2) .02 -.07
3. Good listeners even when different views (8) -.24** .37***
4. When things get heated we can pull out of it (9) -.26** -.23**
5. Partner can soothe me when I’m upset (10) -.28*** -.39***

4-89
16. Flooding

Husband Scale
1. Our Discussions Get Too Heated(1) .22** .15 .14 .13
2. Have hard time calming down (2) .24** .20* .20* .22*
3. One will say something to regret (3) .34*** .29*** .24** .22*
4. Why can’t we be logical? (9) .22* .19* .09 .13
5. Partner long list unreasonable (15) .26** .12 .27** .07
Wife Scale
1. Our Discussions Get Too Heated (1) .26** .11 .10* .20*
2. Have hard time calming down (2) .23** .17* .06 .22*
3. One will say something to regret (3) .34*** .28*** .21* .20*
4. Why can’t we be logical? (9) .31*** .27*** .14 .12
5. Partner long list unreasonable (15)
Wcrit Wdefens Wcontempt Wstone

Husband Scale
1. Our Discussions Get Too Heated (1) .12 .11 .18* .23**
2. Have hard time calming down (2) .11 .17 .04 .19*
3. One will say something to regret (3) .38*** .29*** .26** .23**
4. Why can’t we be logical? (9) .26** .30*** .25** .18*
5. Partner long list unreasonable (15) .26** .05 .23** .31**
Wcrit Wdefens Wcontempt Wstone

Wife Scale
1. Our Discussions Get Too Heated (1) .26** .11 .19* .20*
2. Have hard time calming down (2) .23** .17* .06 .22*
3. One will say something to regret (3) .34*** .28*** .21* .20*
4. Why can’t we be logical? (9) .31*** .27*** .14 .12
5. Partner long list unreasonable (15) .18* .11 .13 .34***
4-90
References
Bray, J. H. & Jouriles, E.N. (1995). Treatment of marital conflict and prevention of
divorce. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 21(4), 461-473.
Burgess, E.W., Locke, H.J., & Thomes, M.M. (1971). The family. New York: Van
Nostrand Reinhold.
Derogatis, L.R., Lipman, R.S, & Covi, L. (1973). The SCL-90: An outpatient psychiatric
rating scale – preliminary report. Psychopharmacology Bulletin, 9, 13-25.
Doherty, W. J. (1997). The Intentional Family. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley. Gottman,
J.M. (1999). The Relationship Clinic. New York: Norton.
Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
New York, NY: Crown Publishers, Inc.
Locke, H.J., & Wallace, K.M. (1959). Short marital-adjustment and prediction tests:
Their reliability and validity. Marriage and Family Living, 21, 251-255.
Raush, H.L., Barry, W.A., Hertl, R.K., & Swain, M.A. (1974). Communication, conflict,
and marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Straus, M.A. (1986). Measuring intra-family conflict and violence: The Conflict Tactics
Scale (CTS). Journal of Marriage and the Family, 48, 466-479.
Terman, L.M., Buttenweiser, P., Ferguson, L.W., Johnson, W.B., & Wilson, D.P. (1938).
Psychological factors in marital happiness. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.
Weiss, R. L. & Cerreto, M., (1980). Marital status inventory: Development of a measure
of dissolution potential. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 8, 80-86.
5-1
5. Assessment: Sessions 2 and 3

5.1. Session 2: Two Individual Sessions
45 minutes each
Before this session, remember that we will have discussed
the ground rules of seeing them individually, both in the
disclosure statement, and again, at the end of assessment
Session #1. We recommend saying that you will not keep
secrets, and that everything that gets said is potentially
information for the couples work (see section 3.1. #7).
We always start every session by asking the couple or
individual how they are doing, which makes it possible
for them to talk about what may be pressing and on their
mind(s) at the moment. We begin the individual assessment
session by asking the client about his or her own narrative
of the reason for coming to therapy. We want to know how
he or she feels about the relationship and specifically, about
any family history the partner thinks might be pertinent to
the therapy and the relationship itself.
Recall that in the individual sessions we are assessing:
• The individual narrative
• Relevant family history
• History of prior relationships
• History of prior therapy
• Each person’s commitment to the relationship, and

discrepancies.
• Their hopes and expectations for the relationship

(including potentially getting out of the relationship)
and for the therapy.
• Their personal goals.
• Their Big Cost/Benefit analysis of the relationship.

(How do they evaluate the benefits and costs of staying
in and working on trying to make this relationship
better, versus getting out?)
5-2
• The presence of ongoing or previous physical abuse,

especially a pattern of using violence to intimidate and
control one’s partner.
• The presence of ongoing or previous betrayals,

especially ongoing extra-relational affairs.
• Psychopathology and other potential resistances (e.g.,

Depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD)
• The presence of ongoing or previous sexual abuse.
• The presence of ongoing or previous drug and alcohol

abuse, or other addictions.
Many couple therapists beat themselves up when the couple

actually is not interested in couple therapy. It is usually not
our fault. In our research, we found that couple therapy is a
reliable pathway to divorce (our point-biserial correlations
are around .50 between going to couple therapy and getting
divorced), and this is a general finding (see also Cookerly,
1980). If there are differential commitments to the
relationship, to therapy, differential hopes and expectations
for the relationship, and a very different cost-benefit
analysis about staying in or leaving the relationship, this
will affect the decision about whether or not to continue in
therapy. As noted earlier, we recommend that you always
do individual interviews to assess violence, personal goals,
individual psychopathology. Remember to discuss the
ground rules of seeing them individually; we recommend
that there are no secrets, and that everything that gets said
is potentially public information.
At the end of each individual session, tell each partner
that your next meeting will be held together. In it, you
will share your assessment findings and together with the
couples, discuss a treatment plan.
5-3
5.2. Session 3: The Feedback Session

One Conjoint Session 1½ hours
In the third 90-minute session we again see the couple
together. We begin by asking the couple how they are
doing, which makes it possible for them to talk about what
may be pressing and on their minds at the moment.
We may ask about how they are experiencing all of these
parts of assessment. They may report some experiences or
even changes in their relationship.
Then we summarize the assessment, integrating
information from the Oral History Interview, conflict
sample, Individual Interviews, and assessment
questionnaires. We give the couple a copy of the Sound
Relationship House drawing and, starting from the bottom,
go through each of the salient levels of the House. We
follow these steps for each level:
1. Define the level of the Sound Relationship House.
2. Tell the couple how they are doing on that level. Is

this level a strength or a challenge? Do not provide
specific results from the assessment questionnaires such
as each individual’s numerical scores.
3. Give hope. On levels of the Sound Relationship House

where the couple is weak, we tell them that we have
exercises that are designed to strengthen these areas.
Talk about what our goals would be for the therapy, the
order in which we’d like to do things should they decide
to proceed, and check with them if these goals make
sense to them. We ask them if they also have some goals
they’d like to focus on so that we can incorporate these
as well into the therapy. Based on the assessment, here
are some possibilities for what the couple might need.
4. Ask more questions if necessary to get their reactions

to what we’re saying. Does the feedback fit and make
sense to them?
• Initial crisis management. If the relationship is full

of extreme escalating quarrels, both people are highly
flooded, and their lives are also high on chaos, then
there is a need to immediately down-regulate negativity
5-4
in their lives. In that case we discuss the need for

a break ritual (from conflict discussions) and self-
soothing and instruct them not to discuss “hot button
issues”, except in session.
• Making conflict discussions constructive. We discuss

and work on our “blueprint” for dealing with conflict so
that it is more constructive.
• Improving friendship, emotional connection, and

intimacy. We discuss and work on our blueprint for
improving friendship, emotional connection, affection,
romance, courtship, passion, and sexual intimacy.
We discuss increasing positive affect systems,
peacefulness, play, fun, excitement, pleasure, joy, and
adventure.
• Improving the shared meaning system. We discuss

and work on our blueprint for making the shared
meaning system intentional by helping the couple
create: (1) understanding and meaningful rituals of
connection, (2) understanding and support of one
another’s life roles, and/or (3) understanding and
discussions of their cultural heritages, life goals,
missions, legacies, philosophies, ethics, morals, values,
and spiritual religious beliefs.
5.2.1. The Importance of the Therapeutic Alliance with Both Spouses

In this discussion, do not assume that they necessarily wish
to work with you. Pay very careful attention to the quality
of the therapeutic alliance you have been able to form so
far with each of them. Personally, we are convinced that
therapy cannot be effective unless there is an atmosphere
of caring and respect, even love (humanitarian, not
sexual) that the therapist develops for the clients. Only in
a caring atmosphere can the couple have enough safety to
dive into the work necessary to heal their relationship.
5.2.2. Clinician’s Checklist for Couple Assessment

The following checklist will guide the clinician through a
summary of the assessment phases of the evaluation.
5-5
Client ID#: Date:
Clinician’s Checklist for Couple Assessment

Check the items you see as an issue, and then fill this in with specific notes.
Chaos?
Is the life of this couple chaotic?
Can they manage the basic tasks of being a family?
Comments: If their life is very chaotic and emotionally dysregulated, look for addictions, and
also think of intervening first in Crisis intervention mode just to down-regulate escalating hostility
and try to create some peace and a sense of control in their lives.
Notes:
Are There Fundamental Mismatches

In preferred influence patterns? (One is an avoider who suppresses, one an engager. Do
they have big blowup fights periodically?)
In meta-emotions? (one is emotionally expressive and values emotions while the other is
alexythymic and/or emotion dismissing. They have difficulty connection when one person
is sad, or angry, or just needs affection or support).
Are there attachment injuries as a result of turning away?
Notes:
Betrayals?
Are there a fundamental betrayals they are dealing with? An affair? Addiction (Drugs alco-
hol, gambling, sex?)? Financial betrayal?
Attachment Injuries?
Other Betrayals of the Relationship Contract?
Notes:
Overall, where are they each in the relationship?

Couple Satisfaction
Divorce Potential (Weiss-Cerretto)
Each person’s commitment to the relationship (Commitment Scale)
5-6
Overall, where are they each in the relationship? (continued)

Their hopes and expectations for the relationship (including potentially getting out of the
relationship)
Their hopes, expectations, and theory of the therapy
Their Big Cost/Benefit analysis of the relationship
Notes:
Is Couple Therapy Contra-Indicated?

An ongoing extra-couple affair (secret or revealed) Ongoing characterological physical
abuse (see screening scales)
Notes:
The Couple Friendship

Positive Affect (Interest, excitement, affection, humor, validation, amusement, pleasure,
joy)
The Fondness and Admiration System
We-ness
Love Maps
How they talk to each other in a non-conflict context
Signs of emotional disengagement
What do they see as the strengths of this relationship?
Feeling one’s personality is accepted
Feeling fundamentally criticized and disliked
How do they move through time together?
In Events of the Day discussions and stress-reducing conversations is there requited inter-
est, excitement, humor, affection?
Map out a typical week day
Map out a typical weekend day
Map out a typical vacation
Map out a typical getaway
How do they renew themselves and each other when they are fatigued and highly
stressed
What is the nature of their daily rituals of leave taking in the morning, reunion, eating to-
gether, and what do these rituals mean to them?
Positive affect systems: Play, fun, exploration, adventure, sex, romance, passion, court-
ship
Notes:
5-7
Selected Gottman 19-Areas:

Emotional engagement
Lifestyle similarities / differences
Passion and romance in the relationship
Sexual satisfaction and intimacy
Fun
Spiritual connection
Notes:
Sentiment Overrides
Chip on shoulder?
Hyper-defensive?
Hyper vigilant to attack/defend?
Existence of Negative Sentiment Override
Existence of Positive Sentiment Override
The frequency and success of repair attempts during conflict discussions
How humor and anger get responded to
How they perceive one another’s anger and humor
Innocent Victim or a Righteous Indignation perception of this moment
Flooded by the way their partner complains
Diffuse Physiological Arousal?
Ability to self soothe
Ability to soothe partner
Notes:
Regulating Conflict
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt (Psychological Abuse)
Stonewalling or other disengagement
Emotional Disengagement (look for low levels of positive affect during conflict)
Softened or Harsh Startup
Accepting Influence or other disorders of power De-Escalation and Repair
Compromise
Dialogue on perpetual problems?
Accepting Influence or other disorders of power
5-8
Regulating Conflict (continued)

Gridlock on perpetual problems?
The Four Horsemen (vilification, people seeing one another as enemies, feeling unaccept-
ed and criticized, entrenched positions with polarization, fear of accepting influence)
Positive Affect during conflict?
Notes:
Gender Issues
Issues of gender equity in power, respect, and influence
Perceived Inequity in the division of labor
Perceived inequity in emotional engagement in the relationship or parenting
Inequity in access to family resources (money, time, freedom)
Notes:
Meshing Life Dreams and Creating Shared Symbolic Meaning

Their own life goals, their missions, their dreams. Are these known?
Are they honored?
Defensiveness
Fear of Accepting Influence?
Have they been able to create shared meaning in:
Rituals of Emotional Connection. Do they exist at all?
Informal (leave taking, reunion, bedtimes, “dates,” getaways, etc.) Formal (birthdays, an-
niversaries, holidays)
Goals Roles Symbols
Balancing work and family
Work-aholism?
Under or unemployment?
Problems in individuation?
Balancing independence and connection
Low tolerance for independence?
Low tolerance for connection or intimacy?
Problems in sexuality?
Notes:
5-9
Overall progress toward being able to create or maintain shared meaning system
Notes:
Potential Resistances
Differential commitment to the relationship and
Different hopes and expectations for therapy
Betrayals, current or past
Notes:
Psychopathology
Depression Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Antisocial personality disorder Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Borderline Disorder Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Alcohol or drug abuse Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Past Trauma Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Conflict in Values Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Issues of friends Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Issues of community Partner 1 q Partner 2 q
Other? Specify:
Notes:
5-10
5.2.3. Gottman Treatment Plan

The Treatment Plan serves several purposes including:
• A place to organize and summarize the vast amount of
information gained through the assessment process in-
cluding the Couple's Narrative, Oral History Interview,
Conflict Discussion, Individual Interviews and numer-
ous written assessment questionnaires. Of course all the
information obtained about a couple cannot be placed
on a one page form. This is not intended to replace re-
viewing notes and specific written questionnaires. This
Treatment Plan may be supplemented with additional
information. One way to do this is to place a footnote
number or a symbol, such as an asterisk, in the appro-
priate box to reference additional sources of information
such as notes obtained during interviews or on specific
written questionnaires.
• Supplement other treatment plan formats currently
used. Please feel free to adapt this form for your per-
sonal needs.
• Organize information for use in the feedback/treatment
planning session.
• Guide therapy throughout the course of treatment.
• The content of the Treatment Plan is straight forward.
The (+), (o) and (-) symbols on the Sound Relation-
ship House (SRH) diagram, which may be circled, are
for indicating whether a level of the SRH is a strength,
neutral or a weakness.
The Treatment Plan is designed to be used in conjunction
with the Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary sheet and
its accompanying "Interpretation Guidelines".
5-11
Client ID#: Date:
Gottman Treatment Plan
Areas of Strength
Notable History:
(abuse, trauma, affairs, family origin, relationship)
Co-morbidities
Presenting Problems:
Preliminary Treatment Goals:
5-12
6-a
6. Intervention
Current Status of Treating Couples’ Issues.
We want to begin the intervention section of this work-
shop by first informing you that the research literature
on couples’ therapy has now validated five treatments for
couples’ distress. We assume that you will want to know
about all the treatments currently available, and make your
own judgments about what interventions to employ in your
own practice. As a great guide, we refer you to the recent
Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy, Fifth Edition, (2015),
edited by Alan Gurman, Jay Lebow, and Douglas Snyder
(New York: Guilford Press). The validated treatments de-
scribed in this book include:
1. Behavioral Marital Couples Therapy (Chapter 2),

either traditional or acceptance-based, as described by
Donald Baucom. This therapy has had the most out-
come studies done.
2. Insight-Oriented Marital Therapy (Chapter 2). Chap-

ter 2 also includes references to the “insight-oriented”
marital therapy, developed by Snyder and Wills. Their
therapy was influenced by analytic thinking about rela-
tionships.
3. Acceptance-Based Couples Therapy (Chapter 3). The

late Neil Jacobson and Andrew Christensen developed
this “accept your partner as he or she is” therapy as a
contrast to behavioral marital therapy, in which asking
for change was central to the therapy. The new therapy
actually includes asking for change as well as accep-
tance-based interventions; it also uses Johnson’s “soften-
ing” anger intervention.
4. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (Chapter 4) as

described by Susan Johnson. Johnson is one of the most
important leaders in our field and she brought exten-
sions of attachment theory for adults into the couples’
domain.
5. Gottman Couple Therapy (Chapter 5) as described by

John and Julie Gottman.
6-b
The handbook also contains sections on treating couples’

problems with co-morbidities such as PTSD, Alcohol
addiction, depression, borderline personality disorder, and
sexual problems.
Limitations of the Research

There are two limitations to the research literature we
would like to cite: Relapse, and limited populations studied.
Relapse. The first is the universal problem of relapse. This
problem of people not doing what is beneficial for them is
ubiquitous in medicine. The World Health Organization
and the Centers for Disease Control have documented that,
regardless of medical access, 50% of patients with chronic
diabetes, hypertension, and asthma do not take their medi-
cine, and 70% do not make the life-style changes recom-
mended by physicians. This is just one example of what
we are calling the Relapse problem. Our late colleague,
Neil Jacobson, called our field’s attention to the 30 to 50%
relapse problem he detected in behavioral marital therapy in
the 1970s and 1980s. It is our conclusion that we have not
yet solved this problem in couples’ therapy. Our 12 assump-
tions are directed toward helping solve this critical problem.
Limited Populations. It is our view that the current re-
search literature on couples’ therapy does not represent
the population of clients we see every day in our offices.
The most commonly used outcome measures of relation-
ship satisfaction in our field is the Locke-Wallace Marital
Adjustment Test, or its slightly modified form called the
“Spanier Dyadic Adjustment Scale.” For these two scales
the mean of the population is 100, and the standard de-
viation is 15. We typically see couples with relationship
satisfaction scores five or six standard deviations below the
mean (scores of 25, or 10). Our couples also typically have
many co-morbidities. Yet the research literature has pri-
marily served couples with relationship satisfaction scores
within one standard deviation from the mean. This is quite
unfortunate, and needs to be remedied by future research.
The twelve assumptions of the Gottman Couples’ Therapy
are designed to deal with these two unsolved problems,
relapse and limited populations.
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This chapter is divided into the following sections:

1. Philosophy of the Therapy: Assumptions
2. Overview of the Therapy
3. Goals of the Therapy
4. Modify Conflict
5. Enhance Friendship/Intimacy
6. Create Shared Meaning
7. Process
•• Structure of a Typical Session
•• What the Therapist Can Say
•• The Domino Theory of Emotion
8. Summary
6.1. Philosophy of the Therapy: Assumptions

We will first describe our basic one dozen assumptions. We
do this so that you can decide for yourself what you want to
accept and reject as a part of this therapy. We have great re-
spect for the creative clinical process, and for you. You, like
every clinician, is simultaneously an artist and a scientist
who must tailor your therapy to the needs of each case. So
see what fits for you. One organizing principle: everything
in the therapy is designed to minimize the possibility of the
couple’s relapse after therapy.
Assumption #1: The Therapy is Primarily Dyadic.
In this therapy it is the goal to move the therapeutic con-
text from an initial triadic context to a dyadic context in
which the therapist acts as a coach. The goal of the therapy
is for the couple to have the capability to make their next
conversation “better,” that is, less like those couples who are
on a trajectory toward divorce, and more like those couples
who are on a trajectory toward happy, stable relationships.
Therapy can end when the couple has the ability to make
their interaction (conflict and non-conflict) less divorce- or
separation- prone. This cannot be accomplished with the
therapist remaining central to maintaining the couple’s
functional interaction. In the therapy, then, the couple
interacts with one another a great deal, rather than talking
directly only to the therapist. The therapist then acts to give
the couple a tool that they can use in their relationship and
make their own.
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Assumption #2: Emotion is Central.

Our approach to emotion is directly opposed to the ap-
proach of Murray Bowen. We are not trying to insult or to
denigrate his contribution. However, our philosophy of the
role of emotion in couple therapy is the opposite of that of
M. Bowen’s in two ways. In Bowen’s thinking, rationality
and emotion were opposed, and he viewed rationality as
designed to inhibit negative affect. Papero (1995), writing
about Bowen’s theory of emotion, noted:
Bowen described a continuum based on the ability

of the person to keep separate the emotional and
intellectual systems and to maintain a choice between
them, which he called the “scale of differentiation of
self.” People with no ability whatsoever to separate
them, no matter what the conditions, were assigned
the rank of zero on the continuum. They had no
ability to differentiate between the emotional and
intellectual systems and operated continuously under
the guidance of the emotional system. From the zero
point, individuals could be assigned a position on the
continuum based on an assessment of their ability to
separate emotional and intellectual systems and to
maintain a choice between them. Bowen assigned a
number 100 to the opposite end of the continuum,
to designate the individual displaying full ability
to separate and choose between the emotional and
intellectual systems to guide behavior. (p. 13)
Quite prevalent in the early years of psychology was the
Yerkes-Dodson law. It attempted to demonstrate how a
general dimension of arousal and performance might be
related. Now, the view of a dialectic between emotion and
intellectual functioning is being replaced by current neuro-
physiological thinking (e.g., Damasio, 1994) in which emo-
tion is coming to be viewed as essential to rational thought
and rational problem solving. Damasio had a patient whose
emotional brain had inadvertently been surgically removed
in removing a brain tumor, but whose thinking remained
intact. He was, however, unable to solve complex problems
because he could not use intuition to prioritize lists of what
was relevant and what was irrelevant to the problem at
hand. Intuition is based in emotion.
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In our research with emotion coaching with children, we

have discovered that the magic moments for teaching kids
about their feelings and helping them to trust and under-
stand them and also regulate them occurs when the children
are emotional. The teacher who calmly starts talking to the
class about anger and hopes to have a useful and productive
discussion about anger while the kids are calm is missing
the boat. So is the play therapist who expects kids to bring
in their strong feelings through projection in play. This is
what Haim Ginott and Fritz Redl discovered in working
with kids. The light-bulb moments for kids’ learning about
anger, sadness, fear, pride, love and affection, shame, and so
on, is when kids are actually having these emotions. When
kids are emotional and learn to accept and understand these
emotions, they have an entirely different experience with
emotion, and we believe that their brains are processing these
emotions very differently. A parent who sits with a sad or an-
gry child and communicates understanding and acceptance
of the emotion is communicating a great deal: (1) Terrible
things are not going to result from your having this awful
feeling--I have been there and it’s all going to be okay; (2) I
understand how you feel and it makes sense to me that you
would feel that way, so trust your feelings. You have good in-
stincts; (3) You are not alone; (4) You are acceptable even in
this emotional state. A parent who patiently problem-solves
with a child who has misbehaved also communicates a great
deal to the child; (1) You can have good ideas for solving
problems; (2) You can be part of the solution, not just part
of the problem; and, (3) We are a team working on this issue
together.
The same thing is true of a couple therapist sitting with a
couple. In this therapy it is important for the therapist to
adopt the view that all emotions and wishes are adaptive
and acceptable and need to be expressed and understood.
Not all behavior is acceptable, however. Emotions do not
vanish by being banished, as Haim Ginott was fond of
saying. Instead, they may not get expressed to you. They are
still there, and the clients are alone with them.
So a philosophical assumption of this therapy is that the
therapist should give the couple a “tool” to work with to
change their couple interaction patterns when the couple is
emotional. This is in contrast to calming the couple down,
then providing the insight and the new tool, and then ask-
6-4
ing them to continue their interaction. Even if this proce-

dure plays out perfectly well, the couple will probably have
less access to the tool when they become emotional again.
James Gross’s research at Stanford suggests the negative
costs to memory that rationality as opposed to emotionality
causes; so does the view that positive emotions are a coun-
terweight to negative emotions.
Our research on meta-emotion suggests that people’s
negative emotions and philosophies about basic negative
affects (like sadness, fear, and anger) determine the way
they respond to these emotions in themselves and others.
In addition, analysis of meta-emotion shows that emotions
have their own rationality. Among people who are open to
examining the inner meaning of negative affective mo-
ments, emotional moments can inform people about them-
selves and what course of action they should be taking. They
are clues to people’s paths in life.
What can a therapist do with a kind of alexithymia in cli-
ents, that is, a poorly developed language for their emotion-
al experience? The social psychological theory of emotions
proposed by Clore, Ortony, & Collins (1988) analyzes what
might be called the cognitive “setting conditions” of most
affects. It represents a detailed analysis of the appraisal por-
tion of a good deal of emotional experience. As such, it can
represent a guide for retraining people whose meta-emotion
philosophy leads them to avoid processing emotional
experiences. The Clore-Ortony-Collins theory can pro-
vide a basis for teaching people that emotional experiences
can inform them about themselves and lead to productive
thinking. Inherent in emotions is a guide for both under-
standing and action. Eugene Gendlin’s work on Focusing
can be a useful supplement to the therapy here. Gendlin
has a focusing web site and a book. There are several impor-
tant books with “focusing” in the title. They are guides for
helping people put words, metaphors and phrases to their
bodily experiences. For example at first a client may say she
feels “sad” about her job. With focusing she says she feels
like she is being left behind, like a train is pulling away and
she is left standing on the platform. She then discusses her
perception that she keeps helping people with their work
and gets none of the credit while those people advance and
leave her behind. That is an example of how focusing works.
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In sum, if a therapist is uncomfortable with strong emo-

tions, he or she should take an inward look at his or her
own meta-emotions and meta-emotion philosophy to un-
derstand what may be making this process uncomfortable;
then seek to make changes in order to be more comfortable
with emotion.
Assumption #3: State Dependent Learning.
Much of the learning in couple therapy may be state de-
pendent, meaning the best learning takes place during the
emotional state to which it applies. Thus, unless we permit
a couple to become as emotional in our therapeutic office
as they do at home, they may not have access at home to
the important learning that we have offered after they’ve
left the office. When therapists are themselves uncomfort-
able with strong emotions and believe that strong emo-
tions mean that things are “out of control,” or “blowing up,”
they may also think that strong negative emotions prevent
people from hearing insights or changing their behavior.
On the contrary. It is only by permitting a couple to do
what they normally would do and then working with them
in these emotional states that transfer of learning becomes
possible.
Assumption #4: Strong Emotion and DPA.
Each emotion has been found to have its own “autonomic
signature.” This work was pioneered by Robert Levenson,
in collaboration with Paul Ekman, and Wallace Friesen.
Other scientists have also contributed to this view, includ-
ing Richard Davidson, Nathan Fox, Geri Dawson, who
expanded this view to differential brain activation for differ-
ent kinds of emotion, and Joseph LeDoux, who mapped the
subcortical limbic activation in the amygdala during fear
conditioning.
This autonomic signature idea means that specific changes
occur with each emotion, such as the hands getting hot in
anger and cold in fear. Psychologists used to think, accord-
ing to Schachter & Singer’s experiments and Mandler’s
theory, that in all emotions there was a basic underlying
physiological arousal and that cognitive labels were respon-
sible for differentiating this underlying physiological arous-
al into the various emotions. That is no longer believed to
be true. These autonomic signatures are quite different from
DPA, in which many physiological systems are activated at
once. It is DPA that interferes with information process-
6-6
ing, not emotion. The autonomic signature hypothesis is still

controversial. Some psychologists subscribe to a dimension
view of emotions, rather than a discrete Darwinian view, in
which dimensionality enters in only as intensity of a discrete
emotion.
Henry-Stephens Model and DPA: What kinds of things
cause DPA? Probably the most influential model is the
Henry & Stephens model of stress. Henry proposed that
there are two axes that are involved, and we can suggest,
based on their work, that DPA is involved when both axes
are activated together. The two axes are: (1) the sympathet-
ico-adrenalmedullary axis, which involves the sympathetic
branch of the autonomic nervous system; we now know
that this also involves the withdrawal of vagal tone (a
parasympathetic function). The major hormones involved
here are the catecholamines adrenaline, noradrenaline, and
dopamine. This axis appears to be activated by active cop-
ing, anger, aggression, and hostility. (2) The pituitary-adre-
nocortical axis, which involves the pituitary gland and the
cortex of the adrenal glands. The major hormone involved is
cortisol. This axis appears to be activated by passive coping,
fear, sadness, helplessness, grief, loss or the threat of loss
(particularly of figures people are strongly attached to). The
combined activation of both axes might be occasioned by
such emotion blends as the simultaneous activation of anger
and helplessness.
A couple needs to get into a state of Diffuse Physiological
Arousal (DPA) to be able to learn the tools of recognizing
that state and then being able to self-soothe, soothe the
partner, or take a break (and it has to be the right kind of
break). It will do no good to give them the tools for deal-
ing with DPA when they are calm, for when they get into
DPA they won’t have access to these tools. Instead, they will
only have access to the usual over-learned DPA behaviors
of Fight or Flight. So in order to learn the tools for deal-
ing with DPA, the therapist has to let them get into these
states right in the office. Now it is true that people’s abil-
ity to process information is greatly reduced during DPA,
so the intervention needs to be kept short and simple; for
example, “BREATHE!” The couple will have to over-learn
the tools for dealing with DPA and strong emotions when
they are in these states to counter the normal reactions to
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run or aggress. Learning the four parts of self-soothing, as

well as exercises for soothing the partner, and taking effec-
tive breaks when feeling flooded can all be helpful.
Assumption #5: Massing and Fading: the Boegner &
Zielenbach-Coenen Study.
We use 1 ½ hour sessions. We do this largely because of
a very important study done by Boegner & Zielenbach-
Coenen (1984). They were two graduate students who
designed a very interesting study that accompanied the
Munich couple therapy study. They had three groups, a
group that had 14 sessions of therapy just like the Munich
study did, and a second group that offered the same num-
ber of hours of therapy, but massed most of them at the
beginning of therapy and then faded them out with two
structured “vacations” from therapy (a 2-week vacation and
a 3-week vacation) near the end of treatment. There was
homework during the vacations and the therapist called
to check up during the vacations. The third group was a
waiting list control group. These investigators found that
the massing and fading group produced much larger ef-
fects and there was significantly less relapse 8 months after
termination than the standard Munich treatment condi-
tion. This is a remarkable finding, and we have patterned
our practices after it. We urge you to think of this model
of massing treatment at the start and then using structured
vacations as the therapy is winding down.
Assumption #6: Affective Neuroscience, Emotion Theory
in Other Couple Therapies, and Our Views.
In many couple therapies, you will find that the underly-
ing theory suggests that there is a hierarchical arrangement
between the basic emotions; in these therapies, the thera-
pists reframe some emotions in terms of other emotions.
For example, the attachment-based theory in Johnson &
Greenberg’s emotion-focused therapy suggests that behind
anger and contempt there is fear, sadness, and insecurity
in general. There is the suggestion that most anger is due
to the emotional unavailability of an attachment figure.
Jacobson & Christensen suggest a similar kind of reframing
of what they call the “harder” emotions (anger, contempt)
in terms of the “softer,” more vulnerable emotions (fear and
sadness). Hendrix also says that it works to help couples de-
velop an X-ray vision to see “the wound behind the anger.”
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In contrast, from the research on emotion we believe that

the evidence supports Paul Ekman’s view, which is es-
sentially an extension of Darwin’s approach to emotion.
This view is that there are eight basic, discrete emotions
that are not in any hierarchical relationship to one another.
These emotions are interest, happiness, fear, sadness, anger,
disgust, contempt, and surprise. Levenson has also added
that there are dimensional aspects to emotion, the most
important being an intensity dimension. For example, anger
ranges from irritability to rage, but all intensities of anger
probably have the same autonomic signature.
These eight emotions are considered basic to Homo
Sapiens and have adaptive value in organizing responses
to particular types of stimuli. For example the expression
of disgust closes the nostrils against a potentially danger-
ous odor. The evidence also supports the view that there are
cross-culturally universal facial signals of each emotion that
are digital and discrete. This view is different from a con-
tinuous, dimensional view of emotion, which maps emo-
tions into two or more dimensions and places each emotion
in a different part of a continuous space. Peter Lang is an
example of a theorist who holds a dimensional view of
emotion.
We agree with Ekman that there is a built-in, pre-wired
“affect program” for each of these basic emotions. The
program has cognitive, physiological, and experiential parts,
each of which can activate the emotion. There is strong
evidence that the original Schachter and Singer (and later
Mandler) view of emotion is wrong, which stated that
emotion differentiation occurs only in the cognitive but
not the physiological realm. In our view there is adequate
evidence of autonomic and other specificities to the basic
human emotions. Anger is clearly physiologically distinct
from fear, disgust, and sadness. It is different autonomically
(the hands get hot in anger and cold in fear, for example).
Davidson and Fox’s EEG research also established that
anger is localized in the left frontal lobe, while fear and sad-
ness are processed in the right frontal lobe. Hence, we do
not think that the research evidence supports the idea that
“underneath” anger, there is fear or sadness. But usually the
basic emotions are very rapid (in the face these expressions
last two seconds or less).
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In addition, complex cognitions do not drive the emotional

system. They are an afterthought. We agree with anthro-
pologist Richard Leakey who described the mainstream
view in anthropology that increasingly complex social
organizations, and not tool use, drove the development of
a larger cortex in primate evolution. We think that this is
precisely what happens in human development, too; cog-
nitive development is driven by social-affective develop-
ment. Ours is an emotion brain that emerged initially from
brain-stem mechanisms of homeostatic regulation that
linked up with the olfactory bulb to develop into the limbic
system, which was then built upon. Jaak Paksepp’s impor-
tant book, Affective Neuroscience, elaborates upon these ideas.
Theorizing by Richard Davidson, Nathan Fox and Joseph
LeDoux is also fundamental to our understanding.
Thus, the primary human emotions of anger, sadness, fear,
contempt, disgust, interest, happiness and surprise do not
seem to have any hierarchical relationship to one another.
They are like the primary colors on an artist’s palette. Anger
is not “basically” fear or sadness or hurt, or anything else.
This is not to say that people may not be experiencing
blends of emotion at any time, with anger being a part of
the blend. Or that people’s prior conditioning history has
not paired some emotions with others. Or that people’s
meta-emotions about anger involve sadness or fear. But, in
general, contrary to what Johnson & Greenberg assert in
their Emotion focused couple therapy, which is based on an
attachment theory model, anger is not always the result of
insecurity. Nor does it seem to be the case, as Jacobson &
Christensen asserted, that more vulnerable emotions under-
lie hostility. There are good reasons for getting angry, such
as unfairness, injustice, or immorality. Yet therapeutically
it may be a good and effective therapeutic technique to
reframe anger as sadness or fear, or to emphasize the sad-
ness and fear parts of a blend with anger. Also, it may be
clinically helpful to reframe hostility in terms of these other
emotions. We are simply suggesting that the emotions are
not hierarchically organized.
Assumption #7: The Role of Cognitive and Emotional
Gender Differences.
Cognitive and emotional gender differences are also part of
our evolutionary heritage. It is, of course, very hard to put
together a picture of this heritage, but our best anthropolo-
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gists have done a remarkable job in painting a picture of us

and our hominid ancestors. In this picture, selection favored
us through differential gender roles in the division of tribal
labor, with cooperative hunting of large game as the male
role in most cultures and nurturance of the young and
trapping of small game and gathering of food, the female
role. The work of Sanday on 186 hunter-gatherer cultures is
most illuminating here.
There is also evidence to support the idea that men are
more reactive to most stresses than women and take lon-
ger to recover from arousal, which in turn, is evidenced in
our couple studies of gender differences in the presence of
DPA. (See the book, Gender and Stress.) There may also be
critical gender differences in some cognitive systems, for
example differences in attention and memory. We believe
that the evidence suggests that women’s memories are bet-
ter than men’s, that women are superior to men in memory
and language skills, and this is especially true in the inter-
personal realm.
Assumption #8: The Role of Meta-Emotions.
By combining psychophysiological research, evolutionary
theory, and neuroaffective science, we’ve come to believe
that the human body can be organized in terms of evo-
lutionary adaptation into a small set of “systems” of orga-
nization. Panksepp documents these best as seven affect
systems that have distinct behavioral and neurophysiologi-
cal patterns shared by all mammals. They include the seeking
system, which is involved with exploration; the lust sys-
tem, which is involved with sex and reproduction; the rage
system; the appetitive system (consummatory behavior);
and the attachment and loss, nurturance, vigilance, play, and
mastery systems. It is quite likely that there are no gender
differences in the seeking, appetitive, mastery, rage, and lust
systems. But women are probably more reactive than men
in the nurturance, and attachment and loss systems, while
men are probably more reactive than women in the vigi-
lance, and play systems.
In Gottman & DeClaire’s (2001) book, The Relationship
Cure, we re-named these systems and called them “emo-
tional command systems.” Specifically, we identified them
as follows:
1. The Sentry, with the primary affects of fear (being
vigilant for danger, and its opposite), and the feelings of
security and safety;
6-11
2. The Nest-builder, with the feelings involved in bond-

ing, security, affection, love, connection and attachment,
and the opposite emotions of separation-distress/panic,
grief, sadness, and loss;
3. The Explorer, or the seeking system, with primary af-
fects of curiosity and the joy of learning, exploration,
and adventure;
4. The Commander-in-Chief, with its primary affects of
anger, hostility, rage, dominance, control, and status, and
its opposites of submission and helplessness;
5. The Sensualist, with affects involving sensuality, sexual-
ity and lust;
6. The Jester, with affects related to play, fun, humor,
amusement, laughter, and joy; and
7. The Energy Czar, which is involved in managing bodily
needs concerned with energy, food, warmth, shelter, and
so on.
Panksepp found that these seven emotional command
systems are the primary colors of affect for mammals.
They can operate exclusively, but are often recruited in the
service of one another. For example, the Explorer may be
recruited in the service of finding a sexual partner. Or the
Sentry and Nest Builder may be employed along with the
Commander-in-Chief to create a potentially ferocious pro-
tector of the young. We believe that these systems form the
affective underpinnings for sound relationships. In other
words, because every individual possesses these systems to
varying degrees, they color the relationships between indi-
viduals. Through pure forms or blends, they supply interac-
tions with relative affective richness.
These systems plus environmental factors also create an
individual’s attitudes, values and feelings about the expres-
sion of various emotions, known as “meta-emotion”. Our
own research also suggests that there is an executive system
about emotion, the meta-emotional system. This is how
people organize the emotions for themselves, what people’s
feelings about feelings are, and their own philosophy about
each emotion and emotion in general. This meta-emotional
system is based on each person’s experience with each emo-
tion and can be very complex, perhaps including hatred and
denial of one particular emotion while having comfort with
another.
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People can talk very easily about these meta-emotions.

One woman interviewed said she hated sadness because
she had a depressed mother and she described her father as
a bully. She said that she and her sisters got together when
they were still very young and decided to never be sad, to
always turn sadness into anger. She said she still did this.
She said she loved anger, it was energizing. She was quite
a crusader in the community and in tough situations her
children might encounter in school. When asked how she
responded when her youngest son was sad, she said, “Oh, I
feel awful when he is sad. I just go for a run.”
Another couple interviewed said that they both had explo-
sive fathers they loved dearly but were afraid of as well, and
they decided very consciously to “protect” their relationship
from anger. They had banished anger from their interaction,
meaning that when it inevitably arose it was cause for major
repairs.
An additional couple interviewed said that their parents
(both sets) were never very affectionate with them as
children, and never expressed any pride in them. This was
so powerful for them growing up that they have made it
a major part of their relationship to express, at least once,
every day in a genuine fashion both pride and love for one
another. They did this often by leaving small written notes
for one another, or phone messages.
When individuals enter into relationship with one another,
they form unique meta-emotion combinations. In the
masters of relationship, partners are often well-matched in
meta-emotion, or they have found ways to co-exist harmo-
niously with meta-emotion mismatches. But in couples
that experience distress, meta-emotion mismatches have
often disrupted their relationships (Gottman, Katz. &
Hooven, 1996). Thus, couples often present in therapy with
meta-emotion mismatches. According to Gottman and
his colleagues plus Panksepp’s work, to help couples deal
with meta-emotion mismatches, down-regulating negative
conflict is not enough. Positive affect must be created or
enhanced as well. The theory-based therapy that we will
present does both.
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Rapprochement Between Gottman Method Therapy and

EFT: Our thinking is entirely compatible with Johnson’s
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT; e.g., Johnson, 2004),
and compatible with its attachment theory basis. We em-
brace the EFT focus on emotion; it has helped guide our
work. However, Jaak Panksepp’s 7 emotional command
systems are critical for creating a complete theory of the
role of emotion in couples’ relationships. Toward explaining
this point, we now undertake a brief and friendly critique
of attachment theory as a basis for a complete emotionally-
focused couples’ therapy. We say “friendly” because there
is no doubt in our minds that Johnson’s EFT is a power-
ful basis for a couples’ therapy that recognizes the key role
that emotion plays in the development and maintenance
of intimacy. As the great physicist Isaac Newton said, “If I
have seen far, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of
giants.” Johnson is our giant; the conceptual and empirical
contributions of EFT are invaluable.
What Are the Contributions of EFT? The validity of
the experiential-emotional basis that EFT has been dem-
onstrated in empirical research as a guide for the couples’
therapist for healing attachment injuries, dealing with trau-
ma, and creating secure bonds. Its contributions to couples’
therapy are vast. At least two of these contributions are:
(1) the focus on emotional reprocessing to heal attachment
injuries; and (2) the legitimation of dependency in human
relationships. Let us consider each contribution in turn.
First, in our view the EFT focus on emotional reprocessing
of attachment injuries provides the tools necessary for heal-
ing deep injuries in secure connection, some of which have
their roots in the current relationship, and some of which
have their roots in the family relationships of childhood.
In our language, these are the injuries that have come from
important attachment figures turning away from or against
bids for emotional connection during times of great need.
Second, in our view the focus on the legitimation of depen-
dency in human relationships corrects Bowen’s misguided
emphasis on what he called “differentiation.” To under-
stand the immense importance of Johnson’s contribution,
let’s first understand what Johnson was confronting and
correcting: Bowen’s concept of differentiation.
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The concept of “differentiation” has two components. As

Papero (1995) stated, “differentiation” was envisioned by
Bowen as a scale that ranged from zero to 100; at zero
there was no differentiation, by which Bowen meant that
emotion was uncontrolled by reason; at 100 was full dif-
ferentiation, by which Bowen meant that reason controlled
emotion. Bowen was fond of saying to a couple in therapy,
“Don’t tell me what you feel, tell me what you think” (per-
sonal communication, Michael Kerr, 2001). Bowen fol-
lowed a limited view of McLean’s (1990) model of the
triune brain; McLean viewed the brain in evolutionary
terms as having reptilian (brain-stem), mammalian (lim-
bic), and primate (developed cortical) parts. Bowen chose
to view McLean’s triune brain as suggesting that emo-
tions were evolutionarily more primitive, limbic, impulsive,
out-of-control, and antithetical to a more cortical highly
evolved rationality. This view is outdated by modern neuro-
science; research and neurological practice shows that there
is an integration of reason and emotion in the prefrontal
cortex, as well as bi-directional feedback with limbic areas
(LeDoux, 1996; Siegel, 1999). For example, Damasio’s work
in Descartes Error (1994) with a patient who had a tumor
removed from the prefrontal area demonstrated his inabil-
ity to process emotions, as well as an inability to use intu-
ition, a central emotional component of problem-solving
or prioritizing information. The man had lost his job and
his relationship. In his initial evaluation of the patient,
Damasio discovered that the man could solve puzzles and
mazes well. Damasio was puzzled until he went to make
another appointment with the patient. The patient was able
to list his available times in the following week, but un-
able to prioritize those times and select a best time for the
next appointment. Without emotion and intuition, he was
incapable of prioritizing his needs and making fundamen-
tal decisions for himself. This demonstrated what we now
know that contrasts with Bowen’s view: Rational thought
is fundamentally intuitive and emotional as well as cogni-
tive, and during emotional moments people can think. The
distinctions between reason and emotion are not part of the
brain’s evolution, structure, or functioning.
The second component of Bowen’s differentiation was
interpersonal. It proposed a developmental theory that high
levels of interdependence and interconnection in a couple
amounted to pathological “enmeshment” and “symbiosis,” a
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kind of biological host-parasite relationship. On the other

hand, high levels of independence, and the creation of
boundaries were viewed by Bowen as highly developed, and
the basis of healthy relationships. Bowlby and others criti-
cized this view. For example, the eminent psychiatrist Lewis
(1989) in his work on the birth of families, suggested that
every couple finds its own balance of independence and in-
terdependence. He suggested that it is not helpful to pathol-
ogize strong needs for connection, and also it is not helpful
to pathologize relationships that select greater emotional
distance and independence. Lewis suggested that there is no
optimal amount of interdependence or independence. Our
research findings support Lewis. In our typology of couples’
relationships we found that there is also no optimal amount
of emotional expression, nor is there an optimal amount of
conflict engagement or avoidance. Raush’s classic (1974)
observational and sequential analytic work on the transi-
tion to parenthood suggested that both bickering couples
and conflict-avoiding (and disinterested in psychological
insight) couples were dysfunctional, and that only a middle-
ground “harmonious” couple was psychologically healthy.
However, our typological longitudinal research found that,
despite his monumental contributions, Raush was wrong on
this point. So long as partners are matched on the amount
of conflict they desire or wish to avoid, the amount of emo-
tional expression and exploration they wish, and the amount
of intimacy, passion, interdependence or independence they
desire, everything is fine – their relationships turn out to be
happy and stable, and their children are also fine on measures
of cognitive and affective child outcome. The problems occur
when there are mismatches between partners, and these mis-
matches create central perpetual issues for the relationship.
Johnson used attachment theory as the foundation for her
research and therapy. Attachment theory has demonstrated
that a developmental theory of increasing independence in
close relationships is entirely misleading. Johnson under-
stood that attachment theory correctly normalized depen-
dency in close relationships.
In addition, research has demonstrated that relationships
are all about being emotionally connected, and that the
amount of connection and the amount of emotion are
matters of personal choice and comfort. Both low levels of
emotional connection and high levels of emotional connec-
tion have their own risks and their own benefits; neither
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choice is perfect. Our work (Gottman, 1994) reported

that as long as the ratio of positivity to negativity during
conflict is 5 to 1, all relationships (passionate, validating,
and conflict-avoiding) are stable. However, when the ratio
of positivity to negativity during conflict falls to 0.8, all
of these relationships are unstable. Bowlby’s theory (e.g.,
Bowlby, 1988) has also been supported by basic research on
attachment in non-human primates (e.g., see Blum, 2002).
Harlow’s groundbreaking research showed that love in
baby rhesus monkeys is based on secure attachment, com-
fort, nurturance, emotional availability and responsiveness,
touch, affection, and contact. It is not based on providing
milk delivered by a nipple, no matter how readily available
the nipple is. Johnson understood this, too, and based her
EFT on the need for secure attachment, not the alleged
need for differentiation.
The implications of this work are dramatic for the couple
therapist. Rather than differentiation being the therapist’s
royal road to intimacy, the royal road is emotional avail-
ability and responsiveness. Instead of fostering a process in
clients of controlling emotion with reason, couple therapy
needs to focus on the integration of emotion and think-
ing, the understanding of emotional connection, couples’
negative cycles, and the dynamics of emotional connection,
turning away or against, and the dynamics of attachment
betrayal. EFT has shown us the pathway. Yet, we maintain
that there is still more distance to go along this road, and
Panksepp’s work provides us with the roadmap we need.
The Limits of Attachment Theory: Only two of Panksepp’s
seven emotional command systems are central to at-
tachment theory, the Sentry and the Nest Builder. It was
Bowlby’s contention that once an infant was safe and
securely attached, the baby would naturally explore and
play, occasionally returning to the mother’s secure presence
for comfort. Ainsworth (e.g., Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters,
& Wall, 1978) and Campos’ (e.g., Campos, Frankel, &
Camras, 2004) research supported these contentions for
mothers and infants. Johnson has written that adult attach-
ment differs from the parent-child system in being far more
reciprocal and also sexual. We agree with her, but we also
believe that were Bowlby alive today he would agree with
Panksepp that each of the seven emotional command sys-
tems can and often do operate independently and are also
essential to ensure healthy adult couples’ relationships.
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This idea of including all seven emotional command sys-

tems (and not just two) is critical for couple therapists. It
suggests that a secure attachment does not necessarily result
in a well-working match across partners in the emotional
command system for lust, romance, passion, sex and intima-
cy (the Sensualist), nor for play and fun (the Jester), nor for
exploration and adventure (the Explorer), nor for balancing
energy inputs and expenditures (the Energy Czar), nor for
managing power and anger (the Commander-in-Chief ).
While Bowlby may have suggested that all these emotional
command systems will work well by themselves once there
is secure attachment, we disagree. It is our contention that
every emotional command system needs special atten-
tion by the couple therapist. For example, the entire world
of positive affect (the Sensualist, the Jester, the Explorer,
the Energy Czar) needs to be built intentionally, and the
therapist cannot assume that these command systems are
activated, functioning well, or matched across partners once
conflict is managed or attachment is secure. We are con-
fident that, if John Bowlby were alive today, since he was
a great observer, he would agree that these positive affect
systems do not automatically emerge in adult relationships
once people feel safer and more secure with one another.
Courtship, romance, passion, good sex, play, fun, adventure,
humor, interest, excitement, joy, curiosity, all these positive
affects need to become a priority in a couple’s life. They
need to be built intentionally with the therapist’s help.
In addition, we agree with Darwin (1873) that all the emo-
tions are functional and serve adaptive values. For example,
as Darwin pointed out, the disgust facial expressions close
the nostrils against potentially noxious odors. In fact,
contempt and disgust might have been the basis for the
evolution of morality. Anger and rage can be in the service
of justice, or the establishment of specialization, leadership,
and fair and equitable dominance relationships in couples
(research has shown that a dominance structure is neither
bad nor good.). Sadness and grief are the opposite side of
the coin of attachment and connection. Since the emo-
tional command systems, when paired with negative affects,
are also quite capable of operating independently, it is not
the case that “behind” anger and rage there is necessarily
a primary emotion such as fear. Johnson (2004) suggested
that anger is often a natural reaction to an unavailable at-
tachment figure. We agree. However, many contexts (such
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as a frustrated goal – Ortony, Clore, & Collins, 1988) also

generate anger. Anger can be just anger, it need not be
related to the attachment system. We especially draw atten-
tion to anger here as a way of dramatizing the need for the
therapist to consider all of Panksepp’s emotional command
systems. The therapist needs to be able to understand all the
affects and not assume that any need is necessarily hierar-
chically related to insecurity; in other words, none should
be dismissed. The expression and understanding of pure
anger (unblended with fear), for example, can be the basis
for greater understanding, fairness, emotional connection,
and bonding for partners.
In summary, we believe that attachment theory deals with
only two out of seven of Panksepp’s emotional command
systems. We agree with Johnson that the couple therapist
needs to be an emotion expert. However, that expertise
must be based on the therapist’s being aware of all seven
emotional command systems.
Assumption #9: The Therapist’s Role Is Not to Soothe.
Bowen viewed the therapist’s role as similar to that of a
control rod in a nuclear reactor, to intervene and soothe the
couple. In this view it is the therapist’s role to do the sooth-
ing in the couple system. Our view is opposite to this. The
danger in Bowen’s view is that it makes the therapist ir-
replaceable, and it may maximize the couple’s relapse once
therapy terminates. Particularly given what we now know
about state dependent learning, the therapist, in our view,
ought to allow the couple to get very upset, even entering
states of DPA, and then have them learn how to self-soothe
and soothe one another.
Assumption #10: Interventions Should Have Low
Psychological Cost.
Interventions should seem easy to do. They should not be
costly psychologically or appear to be foreign to people. The
reaction to interventions should overwhelmingly be, “Oh,
is that all there is to this? I can do that.” We hope actually
that this is the reaction of therapists who learn this new
couple therapy; “I can do this. This is easy.”
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Assumption #11: Couple Therapy Should Primarily Be a

Positive Affective Experience.
Individual psychotherapy is often a very positive experience.
The client is central, and the exploration of the client’s past
life is the core of the therapy. The client is loved and accept-
ed, and the client’s growth and development are the funda-
mental concern of the therapy. The therapist is the client’s
ally. In some ways, individual therapy is a positive growth
experience, an island in time and space that is special, where
the client is central. It can even be fun.
For some reason, in most couple therapies an opposite
state of affairs exists. Clients come to couple therapy only
to have their flaws pointed out to them. Their dysfunc-
tional thought and behavior patterns are illuminated by
the brilliant, insightful therapist. They are each exhorted to
change, to stop being so narcissistic and to become more
giving, more empathic, and less defensive. The very basis
of their own legitimate complaints about their partner and
their own visions of their own blamelessness are attacked
by the therapist. The fundamental attribution error is laid
bare by him or her: “You think it is not your fault,” says the
therapist, “that you are perfect, but this is an illusion. You
are mistaken. You are a big part of the problem. Your worst
nightmare is true. What your partner has been saying about
you all along is partly true. I, the therapist, am as much on
your partner’s side as on yours, so don’t think you have an
ally here against your partner.”
Clients in couple therapy are urged to take responsibility for
the problem and to do something about it. In some sense,
clients get beaten up by the therapy for their own dysfunc-
tional behavior. They focus on problems and solving them
(and doing it fairly quickly--the average couple therapy is
about 11 sessions) and getting on with their lives.
The very beginnings of General Systems Theory was a set
of books written by very intellectual people like Gregory
Bateson, Paul Watzlawick, Don Jackson, and Jay Haley.
Their dazzling analysis of human communication and its
foibles helped set up the culture of nailing people. Bateson
was inspired by the writings of the great mathematician
David Hilbert, who attempted (and failed) to put math-
ematics on a foundation of logic by suggesting that there
were different levels of analysis, one of which was the “meta”
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level. Bateson thought that interpersonal communication

could also be analyzed in the same manner, and by spending
hours in the zoo filming the play of animals, he discovered
the specific meta-communication that tells another animal,
“this is play, it’s not real fighting.” Watzlawick’s exciting
book The Pragmatics of Human Communication suggested
that people do not check out communication but instead
they “mind read;” they engage in the “punctuation fallacy.”
The concept of “games” people play in communication was
another such concept. When Albee’s play, Who’s Afraid of
Virginia Wolf, was analyzed so that George and Martha’s
pathology could be laid bare by intellectual analysis of the
“games” they played, principles of communication and
pathology were suggested. It was impossible to not com-
municate. The whole was greater than the sum of its parts.
Families were cybernetic systems, with “inputs” and “out-
puts,” “homeostasis,” “rules,” and “feedback.” A whole series
of dysfunctional interaction patterns were identified and
named, like “kitchen-sinking.” Suddenly, a whole method
of analysis was available for thinking of family interaction,
and for analyzing one’s own pathological family. The new
knowledge was heady and thrilling. It led to many insight-
ful conversations late at night about one’s own family
pathology.
Modifying an Unfortunate Heritage: The original general
systems theorists of families were inspired by a book writ-
ten by von Bertalanffy (1968) called General System Theory.
In this book, von Bertalanffy argued that all systems,
biological, organizational, interactive were the same and
followed some general principles. He had little idea what
these principles might be, but he supposed that they would
include some mathematical relationship between the parts
of the system, a relationship that governed the system’s
dynamics. He suggested that every system acts to maintain
its homeostatic balance, or stable steady state. Like a ther-
mostat, the stability of systems is maintained by feedback
mechanisms that bring the system back to its steady state if
it were perturbed.
In a relationship, this meant to von Bertalanffy that it
would be possible to write down equations that told us pre-
cisely how change in each person over time was affected by
the other person. This led to the idea of “circular causality,”
that each person’s behavior is affected by the other. Instead
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of labeling one person as pathological, each person’s pathol-

ogy could be viewed as a reaction to the other’s. In families,
this point of view called attention to patterns of interactive
behavior, rather than to the personality of individual people.
Von Bertalanffy did not know how to write down these
equations, nor did the family general systems theorists, so
this vision never became a scientific reality. Eventually, the
idea of actually creating a mathematical model for families
was abandoned. All that remained were the metaphors that
von Bertalanffy had suggested.
Unfortunately, as Wile (1993) pointed out, these metaphors
have put therapists into an adversarial position against
families. Wile wrote:
Practitioners from all major schools of systems theory

start with the assumption that they must find some
way of dealing with family homeostasis--that is, the
tendency of families to maintain their pathological
patterns and resist the therapist’s constructive efforts.
The major disadvantage of the concept of homeostasis
is its assumption of an adversary relationship between
therapist and family. Individual family members are
viewed as active proponents of the family system,
willing victims of this system, or both. Since the aim
of systems oriented therapy is to challenge the family
system, a task that requires disrupting the family’s
homeostatic balance, these therapists often see their
goals as directly opposed to those of the family (p. 28)...
[there is] the tendency of some to see family members
as being duplicitous and manipulative, as using “ploys”
( Jackson, 1959) or Eric Berne type games to get what
they want. The systems approach thus appears to lead
to a picture of the conjoint therapist struggling gallantly
against great odds--against concerted family efforts
to maintain homeostatic balance, against family forces
sabotaging all attempts to change the family system,
and against subtle maneuvers and deceits employed by
family members. (p. 29)
Wile goes on to point out that this adversarial position has
led to particular approaches to family therapy. Wile wrote:
Thus Ackerman (1966) deliberately charms, ridicules,

and bullies family members; Haley (1963) and
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Watzlawick, Weakland, and Fisch (1974) strategically

manipulate them with paradoxical instructions;
Jackson and Weakland (1961) tactically place them in
therapeutic double binds; Haley (1977) systematically
browbeats certain partners who fail to do the tasks
he assigns them; Minuchin and his colleagues (1967)
“frontally silence” overbearing wives to “rock the
system” and show their passive partners how to stand
up to them; Speck (1965) openly engages in “power
struggles” with families; Satir (Haley and Hoffinan,
1967) forcefully structures the therapeutic session and
undercuts all attempts to challenge her control; and
Zuk (1968) intentionally sides with one family member
against another, challenges the whole family, and does
so in inconsistent patterns in order to shake them up,
keep them guessing, and “tip the balance in favor of
more productive relating.”... It is perhaps surprising,
considering the dramatic nature of these methods, that
they have been incorporated into the couples and family
therapy traditions with so little discussion and debate
...An entrant into the field is often taught his general
adversary orientation as if it were the only possible way
of doing family and couples therapy. (p. 29)
These adversarial consequences are an unfortunate result of
not actually doing the scientific work of writing real equa-
tions. This has led to us having inherited an incorrect view
of what homeostasis is in family systems.
The Mathematics of Relationships: Seven years ago I began
a project with the world famous mathematician and biolo-
gist James Murray to model couple interaction with the
kinds of equations von Bertalanffy envisioned, except that
they turned out to be nonlinear. These equations reveal that
homeostasis in couples is a dynamic process in which the
couple has its own mechanisms of self-correction and repair
when the interaction becomes too destructive. This view
of repair provided by the mathematical modeling has an
interesting result. It puts the therapist on the side of these
mechanisms of repair that are natural in couple interaction,
rather than in an adversarial position against pathological
processes.
In our research we also gathered data from three domains
of human experience: behavior, perception, and physiology.
These three domains are not independent; rather, they are
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intricately linked in a relationship called the “core triad of

balance.” The idea is that every relationship establishes a
steady state, and the “system” of the relationships is repeat-
edly drawn to this stable steady state. Also, each couple
system is capable of repair when this is needed.
To review the classic concept of homeostasis, or “stable
steady state,” in biological and behavioral systems, con-
sider body weight. By controlling metabolism, the body
will act to maintain a particular weight so that the person
will either temporarily stop eating or get very hungry and
begin eating, regardless of his or her weight. This principle
holds true even if the person is anorexic or grossly over-
weight. When we try to change our weight away from that
stable steady-state weight, the body will act to maintain
the status quo, a constant internal milieu, a stable homeo-
stasis, even when this stable steady state is not a healthful
one. Recently, we had the example of the young man who
weighed 1,000 pounds when he died and whose body had
to be lifted out of his apartment with a crane. Many people
(Dick Gregory, for example) had worked with this man on
diets, and he lost a lot of weight at one time, only to gain it
back again. When his weight fell, he got very hungry. This
was his body’s attempt to maintain what was ultimately a
very dysfunctional stable steady state for him.
In our work we were led to a model that posited that every
relationship has two steady homeostatic states, a positive
and a negative one. Every relationship has the potential of
being heaven or hell. In treatment, we seek to increase the
attractive force of the positive steady state and decrease the
attractive force of the negative steady state. A couple may
come in with the negative steady state like the attractive
force of Jupiter and the positive steady state with the attrac-
tive force of Mercury. Our goal in therapy is to reverse this.
With this addition, the therapist becomes aligned with the
couple’s desire to make their relationship more characteris-
tically positive than negative.
Couple Therapy Could Be Primarily a Positive Experience:
There is really no need to beat clients up about their own
dysfunctional behavior. In fact, the entire problem-solving
process can be recast as primarily people’s basic life dreams
in conflict. This is actually usually the case when conflicts
become gridlocked and hard for couples to solve on their
own. Then, during problem-solving in couple therapy the
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focus becomes exploration and understanding, and us-

ing the couple friendship to help make one another’s life
dreams come true. Much of conflict resolution is then an
exploration in meaning and understanding. It can have that
self-indulgent quality that is so wonderfully attractive about
individual therapy.
In fact, it can be better than individual therapy. Couples
love the Oral History Interview. They love talking about
how they met, and telling the dramatic story of how they
created a relationship and a family. Couples love talking
about their own past lives and how it has shaped them to
have these particular philosophies and attitudes. They enjoy
discussing their life search for meaning and the added
challenge of finding shared meaning together. Much of the
resolution of conflict can have this same quality of a journey
through the photo album of the mind. It can be a growth
experience in which the travel is not lonely. It is not lonely
because one’s partner is there as well.
Everyone is a Philosopher: This is very clear from the writ-
ings of Studs Terkel, in all of his books where people from
all walks of life comment on the meaning of work, and
war, and getting through hard times. In her classic book on
blue collar relationship, Mirra Komoravsky talked about a
couple. The interviewer talked to them about an important
event that had just happened. They had made the last pay-
ment on their home. This was especially significant because
they were the “runts” of each of their families. Their families
thought it amusing that the two dummies had found one
another, and this family rejection was clearly a painful part
of both of their childhoods. But, they said, their children
were doing well, in contrast to their brothers and sisters,
and their relationship was the only one still intact. The two
runts had banded together and done very well indeed. This
shared meaning they created of a crusade to show the world
how well they could do and their great strength in union
was a dramatic example of how a couple could develop
a strong friendship based on a common shared meaning
system. Everyone is an existential philosopher, not just
the French. And we believe that therapists are in a great
position to help couples in their search to create shared
meaning. Furthermore, the creation of this shared meaning
system, this uncovering and blending of dreams is the way
out of the negativity of gridlocked conflict.
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It is the way to make the whole process one of honoring

each person’s dreams and developing a system of shared
meaning.
We discovered in some of our training as therapists an elit-
ism has developed in which we tend to believe that a col-
lege education or some advanced degree is necessary before
people live an examined life. Nothing could be further from
the truth. Even very young children begin asking questions
about death, become aware of their own death, and start
wondering about what it all means. Conversations among
friends of all ages and all walks of life are filled with try-
ing to understand life in all its possibilities, and to create
some meaning out of the everyday routines of life. It is the
creation of this shared meaning that is at the heart of the
creative resolution of couple conflict. In helping a couple
to explore what shared meaning they can create and have
already created with one another, the therapist is tapping
into a natural system that is a very important ingredient in
the couple’s friendship, that is, how they make life mean-
ingful together. This factor, ultimately, is what can make the
therapy most positive of all.
Assumption #12: We Are Not Idealistic About
Relationships and Their Potential.
There are many couple therapists who have high expecta-
tions for what is possible in relationships. David Schnarch
has high expectations for what true intimacy can be, and
Harville Hendrix believes that a relationship can be thera-
peutic and heal the people’s childhood wounds. These are
lofty goals, and these people may be right in espousing
that people try to aspire toward these heights. We are not
opposed to these views, but they are not the view we are
offering you.
We take a different view. We are more like plumbers, not
idealists or theologians. What we mean by that is that we
have studied the range of relationships, both terrific and
pathological, and we have a great deal of respect for the
good ones. We call our approach to couple therapy building
the “good enough relationship.” The relationships we have
studied that are stable and satisfying to the people in these
relationships are usually very good environments for the
development of both people, and for raising kids as well.
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We are only interested in helping people to have the kind

of relationships we have seen when relationship seems to be
at its best. So we don’t judge relationships based upon some
theory of individual or group development. We celebrate
the things we have seen that work, and we appreciate what
we have observed.
Hence our view of relationships and what works well in
relationships has been to discover what real people in all
walks of life in the United States, in all socioeconomic,
ethnic and racial groups we can get the funds to study, do
to have stable and satisfying relationships. We are very
impressed by many of the relationships we have had the
privilege to observe and get to know.
That is why we call this therapy building the “good enough
relationship.” We are likely to think a relationship is a good
relationship if the two partners choose to have coffee and
pastries together on a Saturday afternoon and really en-
joy the conversation, even if they don’t heal one another’s
childhood wounds, or don’t always have wall socket, mind
blowing, skyrocket sex. Not that we are opposed to that.
But this “good enough” approach is part of the bias we
bring to the research that has developed this kind of couple
therapy. We lay out these assumptions to you and you can
personally decide if you agree or disagree. Every therapist
actively selects her or his own therapeutic orientation, and
this discussion of our own assumptions is designed to give
you clear choices.
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6.2. Overview of the Therapy
CONSTRUCTIVE CONFLICT FRIENDSHIP/INTIMACY

POSITIVE AFFECT
SHARED MEANING
Figure. The three domains for therapeutic goals, showing bi-directional influences
The above diagram is a simple illustration of our view of

this therapy. All three domains must be worked on to
facilitate the couple’s building of a successful relation-
ship. Learning to manage conflict constructively, of course,
is very important. But so is working on creating deeper
friendship, intimacy, and positive affect in the relationship.
Underpinning both of these is a focus on shared meaning,
that is, couples exploring what hidden dreams underlie their
conflicts, and what visions they each have for friendship and
intimacy. Increasing positive affect is central here. Finally,
deepening the partner’s awareness of what gives their lives
meaning and purpose provides the ultimate linkage be-
tween them. The three circles all intersect. The diagram
thus implies that a therapist cannot improve on conflict
skills without understanding meaning and deepening the
friendship of the couple. Likewise, friendship cannot be
expanded without there being improvements in the man-
agement of conflict. And awareness of shared meaning un-
derscores both intimacy and constructive conflict and also,
in itself, supplies depth to the relationship. Our therapy
works by focusing on and strengthening all three spheres.
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6.3. Goals of the Therapy

As we have stated in our assumptions, our first goal in therapy
is to assess and understand the concerns and emotions that a
couple brings into the therapeutic hour, building the relation-
ship by using these emotions in the context of an empathic
and accepting therapeutic alliance. So, like Johnson’s Emotion-
Focused Therapy, our therapy also is emotion-focused, ex-
periential and centered in the here-and-now. But we also
explicitly provide the couple with “blueprints” we have gleaned
from the masters of relationship for down-regulating negative
conflict, enhancing positive affect, and creating shared meaning
in the relationship. From these “blueprints”, the therapist and
the couple have a guide that makes explicit the skills neces-
sary to accomplish therapeutic goals. In addition, the therapist
makes the therapy process as dyadic as possible, serving as a
validating, compassionate emotion coach and, when necessary,
a “translator” of the feelings and needs of each person in the
interaction (see Wile, 1993). The therapist also explains and
teaches constructive conflict management skills, and pro-
vides methods for the couple to deepen their friendship and
intimacy.
Following the three assessment sessions described earlier, we
begin each intervention session with whatever the couple
brings in, be it a fight, the need for one, or the problem of
emotional distance between them. In other words, the is-
sue raised by the couple generates which alternatives to the
couple’s ineffective patterns of interaction will be the focus
for the session. Thus, this is not a prescriptive therapy. The
couple controls the road followed. However, the therapist
has the building blocks of bridges the couple can use to grow
both closer to one another and more contented with each
other.
6.3.1. Modify Conflict

The couple will create constructive ways of managing
conflict that create intimacy and understanding from
conflict.
Part of the recognition of how to accomplish this goal
involves recognition that not all conflict is the same. These
are the sub-goals in conflict:
6-29
• Have each person understand their partner’s point of

view. Introduce and use the Gottman Conflict Blue-
print to summarize steps of managing conflict, begin-
ning with Gottman-Rapoport intervention.
• Eliminate the Four Horsemen and replace them with
their antidotes. This down-regulates escalating quarrels.
• Move from gridlock to dialogue on existential con-
flict. Most conflict is around perpetual issues. In these
cases the couple has either established a state of “dia-
logue” with the issue, or they are in a state of “gridlock”
around the issue. To move the couple from gridlock to
dialogue, we use the Dreams Within Conflict inter-
vention, which recognizes the existential nature of the
conflict.
• Develop six skills. In all conflict the creation of con-
structive conflict management includes the develop-
ment of the following skills:
1. Gentle Start-up
2. Accept Influence
3. Make Effective Repairs During Conflict
4. De-escalate Quarrels
5. Compromise
6. Do Physiological Soothing of Self and Partner
• Process fights and regrettable incidents. The couple

will be able to process fights and regrettable incidents
using the Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident
intervention.
The most common perpetual issue. We have found that a
great deal of perpetual conflict involves bridging meta-
emotion mismatches. What works best is using emotion
coaching, and also healing attachment injuries that have
resulted from betrayals or turning away or against bids for
emotional connection. In every conflict there is a conver-
sation the couple needed to have, but the fight occurred
instead. This conversation, one in which the emotions and
underlying meanings are focused on during a conflict dis-
cussion, creates the bridge between conflict and friendship/
intimacy. The most powerful tool to create this bridge is the
Dreams Within Conflict Intervention.
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6.3.2. Enhance Friendship

The couple will build and maintain their friendship, inti-
macy, and positive affect systems (play, humor, affection,
courtship, romance, passion, sexual intimacy, adventure).
• Turn Towards Bids. The couple will be able to talk to
one another about their feelings and needs, and in-
crease awareness for how the partner makes bids and
turns toward bids for emotional connection (instead of
turning away and against). The couple will build their
“emotional bank account.” This, in turn, leads to positive
sentiment override.
Subskills also include:

•• Building Love Maps
•• Building a Culture of Fondness and
Admiration
• Process Failed Bids. The couple will be able to process

failed bids for emotional connection and heal injuries of
safety and attachment.
•• Intentionally build the positive affect systems.
•• Stress reduction.
•• Learn ways to build affection, romance,
passion, good sex.
•• Restore the couple’s sense of adventure, play,

fun, humor.
6.3.3. Create Shared Meaning

The couple will build and maintain a system of shared
meaning.
• Rituals of Connection. The couple will intentionally

create central rituals of emotional connection, both
informal & formal.
• Shared Purpose in Building a Life Together. The
couple will build their shared meaning system by mak-
ing intentional their shared goals, narratives, mission,
symbols, cultures, & legacies.
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6.4. Modify Conflict Details
6.4.1. Conflict—Goal #1:

Understand Your Partner’s Point of View.
Overview
About six years ago Paul Watzlawick suggested that John
Gottman consider applying Rapoport’s ideas to the couples’
area. Rapoport had been primarily interested in interna-
tional conflict during the Cold War. However, Watzlawick
suggestion was helpful. Rapoport’s ideas were quite general
and they fit with the sound relationship house theory. There
were some startlingly creative insights in Rapoport’s work.
John was motivated to develop an approach that consolidat-
ed the many Gottman Method interventions and concepts
that were developed over the years into a single over-arch-
ing intervention that could be very simple for couples to
remember and work on over time, in a variety of contexts.
So how do we apply Rapoport’s ideas to couples? The
couple has to see that disputes can be dealt with and man-
aged through understanding, cooperation, and persua-
sion. If they don’t ever subscribe to that idea, then couples’
therapy will have little chance of being successful. One way
is to get them to agree to the belief that it is in their best
interests to slow things way, way down and stabilize ritu-
als of interaction that minimize escalating negativity, and
maximize positive affect. This will require dealing with
Flooding. To maximize cooperation it is necessary to reduce
threat. To minimize threat and maximize the possibility of
cooperation. That means we want, to the extent possible, for
both people to stay in “WHAT’S THIS? Mode” instead of
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?” Mode. A 3-month-old
baby in WHAT’S THIS mode shows: pupil dilation, heart
rate reduction, behavioral stilling, and the baby stops suck-
ing (stops self-soothing). A 3-month-old baby in WHAT
THE HELL IS THIS mode shows: pupil constriction,
heart rate increase, behavioral activation, and the baby starts
sucking (seeks self-soothing). The same is true for partners.
Here are the principles that make that possible.
1. They must agree that in every interaction there are two
valid realities, not just one. That means that each per-
son focuses not on facts but on perception. The goal of
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each person is to try to understand the partner’s reality,

the partner’s perception, with a agreeable frame of refer-
ence.
2. It is necessary to convey to the partner that he or she
has been heard and understood. “Understood,” means
affectively, not just cognitively. For couples who do not
want to be adversaries, this means postponing persua-
sion until each person can state their partner’s position
to their partner’s satisfaction.
The Assumption of Similarity

This is a brilliant point that Rapoport’s made. The point
was that during conflict people will see their partner (“op-
ponent”) as dis-similar to them, and tend to see themselves
as having all the positive history, traits, and qualities and
their partner (“adversary”) as having very few of these,
and they may see their partner as having several negative
traits as well. This is related to Fritz Heider’s Fundamental
Attribution Error, “I’m okay, you’re defective.” Such is hu-
man nature. We all think we are the central character of
the Great Play of Life. Everyone else is a minor player. We
each think we are being watched very sympathetically by
Kurt Vonnegut’s Great Eye in the Sky. As a result, most
humans (not the guilt ridden, self-critical people) are very
forgiving toward their own mistakes, but less forgiving of
the mistakes of others. They also tend to see themselves as
having very few negative traits, little negative history with
their partner, and few negative qualities. But they tend to
see their partner/adversary as having most of these negative
qualities and few positive qualities. Hence, Rapoport sug-
gested two things. First, when we identify a negative quality
in our partner (or adversary), we try to see that very quality
in ourselves. That is a truly amazing suggestion. Second,
he suggested that when we identify a positive quality in
ourselves, we try to see that very quality in our partner (or
adversary). Another truly amazing suggestion. To facilitate
these suggestions we may try thinking, “The two of us want
the same things,” or “He is a great father,” or “She was very
nice to me when I was last sick,” or “It’s true that I think
she is being selfish right now, but so am I right now, maybe
we both need to be a little selfish for this to be a fulfilling
relationship,” and so on.
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The Gottman Conflict Blueprint

The Gottman-Rapoport Intervention:
Listening & Validation
Our modification of Rapoport for couples consists of hear-
ing the position, feelings, and needs of the partner. Each
person takes turns as speaker and listener. You can give
the couple the Rapoport Intervention hand out, which lists
bullet point reminders for both the speaker and the lis-
tener. Give each person a pen and a clipboard so they can
take notes when they are the listener. All this slows things
down, which is very good. Ask the person who starts as the
speaker to “wait and contemplate” for a moment so that the
speaker follows the bullet points. There are:
Speaker’s Job. The speaker is asked to make a mental

transformation. The speaker must state complaints as
his or her wishes, hopes, and needs in a positive manner,
recalling that behind every complaint is a longing or need,
and within every need is a recipe. That recall may require a
mental transformation from blaming and criticism so that
the complaint is transformed to a stated positive need.
•• No blaming, criticism, or contempt.
•• No “You” statements.
•• Only use “I” statements about a specific situation.
•• Talk about your feelings.
•• State a positive need using a gentle start-up. Within
every complaint there is a longing. When that
longing is expressed, a recipe for how to fulfill it
may emerge.
The first four bullet points are familiar to every couples’
therapist. It may help to realize that it is a natural hu-
man endeavor for people to seek an explanation for their
negative affective states, and not for their positive affec-
tive states. Therefore it is natural for people to develop a
negative habit of mind, searching for why they feel so bad.
Then they naturally develop the habit of mind to scan their
environment for other people’s transgressions and mistakes
to account for their own annoyances or disappointments. It
is also natural for people to stockpile these partner mistakes
in the service of avoiding conflict. When they stockpile
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they then search for underlying patterns in these irritating

partner habits, and they come up with an “explanation” that
is their final “you statement.” To do these first few bullet
points people also have to let go of grudges and bitterness.
Their complaints need to permit a consolable quality, that
there is actually something that the partner could do that
might make a difference. Psychologist Thomas Gordon was
the first to notice that people generally became more defen-
sive when they received “You statements” than when they
received “I statements.” You can do a simple experiment
with clients about “you statements” by telling them you are
going to do a small and simple experiment and for them to
tune into their own internal state. Point your finger at each
of them, get an angry facial expression on your face, and
repeat “You” louder and louder, shifting the pointing finger
to each of them in turn. Ask them how they feel. They will
almost always report some physiological arousal during that
experiment and agree that the speaker bullet points make
sense.
The final bullet point for the Speaker is the hardest, because
people don’t think usually about what they need, or what
will remedy the situation. They think negatively about what
their partner should stop doing to ease their own irrita-
tion or disappointment. But the positive need is a way that
their partner can shine for them. That’s the critical defin-
ing feature of a positive need.
The Therapist Can Say: Here are examples of a negative

need and a positive need:
Negative need: You talked about yourself all the time during
dinner.
Positive need: I need you to ask me about my day.
In the positive need the partner can say “Okay. Good

point. How was your day?” and presumably that will make
the speaker happy. Another thing that is difficult about
the speaker positive need bullet points is that people don’t
always know what they need. Or, as Dan Wile suggests,
sometimes the speaker doesn’t even feel entitled to the
complaint. So the therapist may need to facilitate that
quest by asking questions like:
The Therapist Can Say: What do you wish for here? It’s
okay to have needs. That’s what relationships are all about,
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people being inter-dependent. It’s legitimate to have needs

in a relationship. Relationships work best if both people are
willing to meet their own and one another’s needs. What
would be your fantasy about what would be ideal here?
If I could wave a magic wand and the situation would be
different, the frog would turn into the Prince, what would
the Prince do differently?
And so on. Be careful as a therapist to transfer this ques-
tion-asking to the partner as soon as you can. You don’t
want to have their relationship for them.
The Listener’s Job. The listener has to agree to be willing

to meet the speaker’s needs, at least to some degree. The
listener must take notes and repeat the speaker’s position to
the speaker’s satisfaction. This implies four things for the
listener:
•• Hearing the content of the speaker’s needs and
perspective, the narrative
•• Hearing the speaker’s affect (being able to label the
affects, and feel a bit of them)
•• Summarizing to the speaker’s satisfaction the
speaker’s content and affect
•• Validating the speaker by completing a sentence like
“It makes sense to me that you would feel that way
and have these needs, because…” Prior to validating,
the listener may need to ask some questions that
begin with the sentence, “Help me understand why
this is so important to you. Is there a story behind
this need?” In being flexible, the speaker may talk
about the “region of validity” of the speaker’s point
of view, that is, the conditions under which the
speaker’s point of view is correct.
Don’t let them skip validating. Summarizing is not enough.
Remember listening must be empathetic and to the part-
ner’s satisfaction. As the therapist, it may be helpful to say
something like the following:
The Therapist Can Say: Psychologists have studied babies’

orientation to things and noticed that a baby is in one of
two modes of responding to information and energy.
The first mode can be called “What is this?” mode. The
Russian psychologist Sokolov called it the orienting reflex.
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For a young baby it means behavioral stilling (they stop

moving and stop sucking the nipple) and a heart rate
reduction. They are taking in stimulation, or taking in
information and energy. The second possible mode can be
called “What the hell is this?” mode. This is a defensive
mode, in which motion increases and heart rate accelerates.
There may be some alarm or wariness, and rejection of the
information and energy. Many of us are in “What the hell
is this?” mode when we are trying to listen to our partner.
That’s because as we are listening, we are formulating our
rebuttal. So we are listening with only half of our mind.
We are defensive, or “What the hell is this?” mode. Our
conflict blueprint is designed to put you into “What is
this?” mode instead of “What the hell is this?” mode. This
“taking in” of the information and energy of our partner is
even more important in intimacy and sex than in conflict,
so it is the most important mode to cultivate. That’s hard to
do, because naturally in conflict we want to get our leading
edge feeling across, so we are in persuasion mode, which
has to be a “What the hell is this?” mode. By postponing
persuasion and your agenda for a while, we are going to try
for the “What is this?” mode of listening and information
processing. That’s the goal.
How Is This Different From Active Listening?
In active listening the goal is also listening and validation.
First, we control the speaker’s behavior so that it follows
softened startup. Second, the goal in the first step of this
intervention is MORE MACRO than active listening. It
is to understand and validate an entire perspective on an
issue, not just one statement. Third, the Gottman-Rapoport
intervention also has a constructive goal, responding a to a
positive need, which is a way for the listener to shine for the
partner, a recipe to earn points in the emotional bank ac-
count. Fourth, Gottman-Rapoport is strongly emotionally-
focused, rather than cognitive and behavioral. The primary
emotional emphasis for Gottman-Rapoport was emotional
safety through reduced threat and respect.
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Dreams Within Conflict

Typically the first step in talking about an area of conflict
is to use the the Gottman-Rapoport intervention which
includes listening and validation. This sets a positive base
for going to the next step of increasing understanding of
each other’s underlying history, meaning and dreams within
each other’s position.
After the Dreams Within Conflict intervention is con-
cluded, the next step is to move on to the Compromise
intervention.
Compromise and Problem-Solving

This section of the blueprint is problem-solving and com-
promise. This is the place for persuasion. Once again,
reducing threat and increasing safety is the ticket. To make
people feel safe in compromise, they need, perhaps para-
doxically, to state what part of their stated needs they can
not compromise about. They have to first identify what is
“core” as a need, and they have to explain why that is core
to them. That usually involves a story, a narrative. Once
again, partners have to listen and validate their affective
understanding of these core needs. Next they each identify
their areas of flexibility. Then they respectfully negotiate a
compromise. The two-oval method of reaching compromise
is then employed.
The Two Oval Method of Problem-Solving and

Compromise
The Therapist Can Say: To compromise on your issue

follow three steps:
•• First, define the minimal core need that you cannot
yield on. You can not compromise unless you feel
safe, which means that you are confident that you
will not have to give up what you really need at your
core sense of who you are on this issue. Get your
partner to see why this is a core need for you. The
therapist can help.
•• Second, define areas of greater flexibility for you
that are not so “hot.” The therapist can help. How
fast something happens, identifying common
ground and common goals, how much investment is
required, when it happens, how it happens, whether
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it’s a temporary experiment or not, and so on are

keys the therapist can help find those areas of
flexibility.
•• Third, come up with a temporary compromise.
There are different levels of compromise. Talk about
what you can and cannot do on this issue in terms
of respecting your spouse’s position, needs, and style
right now. Use the “Getting to Yes” questions below
to guide your discussion.
•• You may need a third circle that describes your

common goals and common ground. You may
need to talk about your fears, or nightmares about
accepting influence. The therapist can help the
couple arrive at a temporary compromise by talking
about these areas as needed.
•• Yield To Win: Compromise With Me Like I Am

Someone You Love. For this to work, you must use
the Aikido principle: Yield to Win. In the Japanese
martial art, Aikido, the idea is that direct opposition,
i.e., two forces opposed, is a big mistake. We must
yield to win. The truth for relationships is this:
YOU CANNOT BE INFLUENTIAL

UNLESS YOU ACCEPT INFLUENCE
“Getting to Yes.” Questions to Ask Your Partner
For issues where a Dreams Within Conflict exercise has not been
used:
• Help me understand why your inflexible area is so
important to you.
• What are your core feelings, beliefs, or values about
this issue?
For all compromise issues:

• Help me understand your flexible areas.
• What do we agree about?
• What are our common goals?
• How might these goals be accomplished?
• How can we reach a temporary compromise?
• What feelings do we have in common?
• How can I help to meet your core needs?
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Eliminate the Four Horsemen and Replace Them
With Their Antidotes.
Make Sure You Label Destructive Patterns: Don’t ignore
them! Build in the antidotes.
This down-regulates escalating quarrels. When labeling
each of the four horsemen build in its ANTIDOTE.
One of the first things that we think you need to do is to
label and try to stop destructive interaction patterns. This
means directly telling people about the Four Horsemen of
the Apocalypse, helping them to identify these behaviors,
and explaining to them that these behaviors are consistent
predictors of divorce. It also means not proceeding with the
work of therapeutic change while ignoring these behaviors.
That is, for example, do not ignore a partner’s contempt and
try to empathize with the disappointment and hurt that
may underlie the contempt. We suggest that you call it con-
tempt, and tell the couple that this behavior is unacceptable.
Here are the four horsemen and their antidotes:
Criticism. The definition of criticism is stating one’s

complaints as a defect in one’s partner’s personality, that
is, giving the partner negative trait attributions. The
antidote is to use Gentle Start-up, i.e. to talk about one’s
feelings using I-statements, and then express a positive
need. A positive need is the hope, wish, desire, and the
positive recipe that can help the partner to be listened
to. Clients should be given the following structure:
First, the partner talks about what s/he feels, then what
the feeling is about, described in a neutral, objective and
factual fashion without blame. Then the client states
his or her need. In summary, the antidote is:
•• I Feel
•• About What
•• I Need
Example: You always talk about yourself. You are so
selfish. Antidote: I’m feeling left out by our talk tonight.
Would you please ask me about my day?
Defensiveness. Self-protection in the form of righteous

indignation or innocent victim-hood. Defensiveness
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wards off a perceived attack. The antidote is accepting

responsibility for even a part of the problem. Example:
It’s not my fault that we’re always late, it’s your fault.
Antidote: Well, part of this is my problem, I need to
think more about time.
Contempt. Statements that come from a relative

position of superiority. Contempt is the greatest
predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. The
antidote is for the couple to build a culture between them of
appreciation and respect, and to describe your own feelings
and needs. Example: You’re an idiot. Antidote: I felt hurt
about not being included in your conversation with our
child’s teacher. I need to be given an opportunity to
express my views.
Stonewalling. Emotional withdrawal from interaction,

for example, the listener not giving the speaker the
usual nonverbal signals that the listener is tracking the
speaker. The antidote is for the partner to self-soothe in
order to stay emotionally connected to their partner.
6-43
What follows are examples of the wrong way versus the

right way to handle the Four Horsemen in couple therapy:
Wrong Way
Therapist: Why don’t you each tell one another right now
what your major complaints are. Mike, why
don’t you go first.
Mike: I don’t even want to be here. All right, here
goes. I am enraged about all the stuff I have
to put up with. Jane wants to go to school to
become a nurse. That will take two years of
education. Two years in which she is away from
our kids. She is being a god dammed selfish
bitch and I wouldn’t put up with it. She can
just take a hike. She will never get custody of
her kids, I will see to it that she just loses her
precious kids.
Therapist: You are very disappointed in this plan. You
sound hurt.
Mike: Damn right I am. I am not going to take this
crap from her. I work hard all the time and
sacrifice in this awful job and I get no thanks at
all. I am not going to be the only one sacrific-
ing in this family.
Therapist: Tell me and Jane what you have been going
through.
Mike: Jane is an irresponsible mother and a slut
throughout all of this. I come home and the
house is a mess, the kids are yelling and out
of control. All I ask for is a little empathy and
what do I get instead? She is constantly de-
manding. She wants to spend time with her
girlfriends. She is spoiled rotten, if you ask me.
Therapist: Jane, why don’t you tell Mike what you hear
him saying. Can you reflect back the feelings
you hear? Then we will switch roles and Jane
will get her turn, with Mike as listener.
Commentary: What is wrong with this scenario is that the
therapist is ignoring Mike’s contempt and belligerence.
Mike’s threats are also being ignored. This ignoring has the
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potentially negative effect of the therapist covertly sanc-

tioning this destructive psychologically abusive behavior.
Instead, the therapist needs to react to the behavior as a
parent would during a child play date arranged with anoth-
er kid who turns out to be a bully and is physically aggres-
sive. The parent might say something like, “In this house
we don’t hit. We use our words.” Here, the therapist needs
to label destructive contemptuous or belligerent behavior,
and tell the couple that it is corrosive of love. Then offer
alternatives.
Right Way
Therapist: Why don’t you each tell one another right now
what your major complaints are. Mike, why
don’t you go first.
Mike: I don’t even want to be here. All right, here
goes. I am enraged about all the stuff I have
to put up with. Jane wants to go to school to
become a nurse. That will take two years of
education. Two years in which she is away
from our kids. She is being a selfish bitch and
I wouldn’t put up with it. She can just take a
hike. She will never get custody of her kids,
I will see to it that she just loses her precious
kids.
Therapist: Let me just stop you here, Mike. Research
has shown that there are some patterns of
interaction in relationships that are very
destructive of love. One of these patterns is
being contemptuous and insulting, and being
threatening. Calling Jane a bitch expresses
contempt towards her, and threatening to take
her kids away doesn’t work either. Using words
like these will sabotage your getting listened to,
and will hurt the relationship, too. This won’t
work at home either. In fact, contempt and
threats are part of a pattern of psychological
abuse. Nothing is more destructive to love. So,
let me help you try to rephrase your complaints
and give you ways to express yourself that are
clearer and less destructive and will help you be
listened to.
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Try to state what YOU feel, rather than

describing Jane’s character. Start with “I feel....
what?”
Mike: Okay. Let me try. I am angry about Jane’s
desire to go to school to become a nurse. That
will take two years of education. Two years in
which she is away from our kids. I think this
will harm the kids. They need a mother, and
who will cook dinners?
Therapist: So you need her, too? It sounds like Jane’s plan
means lots of loss for you.
Mike: I feel like I am losing my partner here, and
there’s nothing I can do about it..
Therapist: So, for you this is partly an issue of feeling
helpless to stop Jane. Maybe you are also con-
cerned about who is in charge?
Mike: It’s that, and it’s about the commitment we
made to raise the kids ourselves and not farm
them out. Jane needs to stay home to do that.
Therapist: OK. Let’s hear from Jane now.
Jane: We had an agreement that things could change
when all the kids were in school full time, and
now they are. I am just bringing this up for
discussion. I really want to go to school and
become a nurse, and I think I can do it without
hurting the kids. Mike is the one being selfish
here.
Therapist: Jane, by calling Mike selfish, you are criticizing
his character. That may sabotage you getting
listened to. Try describing you and your feel-
ings, not Mike’s character.
Jane: Yes, we both get critical. Sorry, Mike. I have
always wanted to be a nurse, and I figure, with
the kids both in school, now’s the time. I don’t
want to sacrifice my dreams anymore.
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Mike: Yeah, but I work hard all the time and sacrifice
in this awful job and I get no thanks. If you go
to school, I’ll end up being the only one sac-
rificing in this family. That doesn’t feel fair to
me.
Commentary. There is not ostensibly a great deal of differ-
ence between these two dialogues. However, in the second
instance the therapist is calling the couple on patterns of
dysfunctional behavior instead of ignoring these patterns
and thinking that by getting at underlying feelings, the pat-
terns will go away. They won’t go away. The patterns have to
be directly focused on in order to change them.

Move from Gridlock to Dialogue on a Perpetual Issue.
Help the Partner Understand their Partner’s Underlying
Dreams. The Dreams Within Conflict Intervention.
This intervention creates initial rapid and dramatic change.
Couples typically come into therapy with a gridlocked
conflict on one or more perpetual issues. The partners are
unable to get over these issues or to discuss them calmly.
Usually, they have had the issues for some time without
being able to make any headway on them. These issues are
damaging the relationship and undermining the couple’s
confidence in the relationship. The partners feel somewhat
desperate about them. In their assessment, typically one or
both partners will score below 85 on the Locke-Wallace
couple satisfaction scale, and one or both partners may score
4 or above on the Weiss-Cerretto scale of divorce potential.
During their first assessment 10-minute interaction, they
are often in one of two states: either the Four Horsemen are
present and repair is ineffective, or, there is great emotional
distance and isolation with lots of tension, underlying sad-
ness, and no positive affect. Then at the beginning of their
first intervention session, they will often present with one
of these states as well.
The goal is not to solve their issue, or resolve their conflict.
The conflict will probably always be there for the life of the
relationship. The goal is to help them move from gridlock to
dialogue on their issue. Keep this in mind. What is impor-
tant here is the affect around which they dialogue about the
problem.
6-47
Accomplishing this goal is a two-step process. The first step

is to surface their hidden dreams. That means each partner
has to identify and disclose the dream he or she has that
underlies his or her position on the conflict issue. For this
to happen both partners have to feel understood and sup-
ported by you and by each other. And the relationship has
to feel safe enough for these tender dreams to emerge. One
issue we often encounter is that partners do not know their
own dreams related to their entrenched positions in the
gridlocked conflict. This is most commonly true for women.
We have found that women have usually been socialized to
not honor any dream for themselves that isn’t about rela-
tionships. Dreams related to being a good mother, partner,
daughter, sister, helper, or friend are okay. Thus, many women
are conflicted internally. On the one hand they believe that
they are entitled to develop as separate autonomous individu-
als, and that any dream is okay as long as it is consistent with
their moral choices. On the other hand, they have been raised
to believe that fulfilling their own dreams is selfish and bad.
Hence, we find many women who end up suppressing their
own dreams. They need help to identify and hold on to their
dreams.
The second step in this process is helping the couple “honor”
one another’s dreams. We use the word “honor” very deliber-
ately here. Honoring implies a hierarchy in the extent to which
one partner can support the other’s dreams. At the lowest level
there might be interest, respect, and words of encouragement.
At the highest level there is a joining in the partner’s dream
and teamwork to fulfill it. But honoring need not be a fixed
state. Partners may want their own autonomy in their pursuit
of a dream, not a joining together to fulfill it. That is fine. It
may change over time, although it doesn’t have to. But each
partner, at the least, has to respect their partner’s dream, and
each partner has to arrive at this independently. You can’t do
it for them any more than you can clear up their existential
questions about God. In other words, you can create the condi-
tions for them to be able to do this themselves, but ultimately
they have to do it. Honoring their dreams and each other’s
dreams is not your responsibility. Getting them to any level of
honoring one another’s dreams is the goal. They may not stay
there, but our experience is that as they talk about this issue
over time, they will find new ways of honoring one another’s
dreams.
6-48
Sometimes this whole process will take years. So all you

are doing is starting them on a new trajectory. They will do
the work necessary to move along that path in a way that is
consistent with their personalities. Remember, they will not
solve the problem, they will just move off gridlock and onto
a path toward dialogue with this perpetual problem.
This second step may require changing the couple influence
patterns on their perpetual issue. This is not difficult to do
for a short time, but it is hard to maintain these changes.
The Dreams Within Conflict intervention may need to be
repeated multiple times.
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6-51

Develop Six Skills.
In all conflict, the creation of constructive conflict manage-

ment includes the development of the following skills:
1. Gentle Start-up
2. Accept Influence
4. De-escalate
5. Compromise
6. Do Physiological Soothing of Self and Partner
In the process of dealing with conflict by having the couple
talk about what they feel and need on a particular issue, you
will be working on the six skills listed above. We will intro-
duce you to these skills.
Gentle Start-up.
This skill involves how a partner raises an issue in the first
three minutes of the conversation. You coach the partner
to speak in terms of “I”, not “you”. The partner needs to
state what he or she feels, then the facts about the situa-
tion engendering his or her feelings, and finally, what he or
she needs or wishes to correct the situation. This method
of beginning a problem discussion replaces old patterns of
harsh start-up which usually involve criticism or contempt.
Example: Harsh start-up: “You’re such a slob. Why don’t
you clean up after yourself ?” Gentle start-up: “I’m upset
that there are dirty dishes all over the counter. Would you
please wash them?” See the Gentle Start-up rules (the
antidote to Criticism) on page 6-41.
Accept Influence.
This skill is based on one partner being helped to accept
influence from his or her partner. This can look as simple
as teaching the partner to say, “Good point.” It also helps
to support each partner to fully listen to the other before
offering his or her own point of view.
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Make Effective Repairs During Conflict.

Here, you aid the couple to keep their conflict conversations
on the right track through a list of particular phrases de-
signed to repair things when the discussion starts to dete-
riorate. See the Gottman Repair Checklist on page 6-52a.
De-Escalate.
You help the couple to de-escalate their quarrels through
a series of methods including techniques created by Dan
Wile, analyzing the anatomy of the fight, using video-play-
back, and helping the couple to understand each of their
own internal working models.
Compromise.
You guide the couple through a technique for reaching
compromise using the two-oval method. This method
helps each partner identify both the aspects of each point of
view that are core to each partner and cannot be compro-
mised on and the aspects that are more flexible and can be
subject to compromise. See the Art of Compromise exer-
cise on page 6-40c.
Do Physiological Soothing of Self and Partner.
You teach the partners to recognize when they are begin-
ning to move into diffuse physiological arousal or flooding,
and how to soothe themselves and/or each other through
taking breaks and relaxing themselves. Biofeedback tech-
niques, guided muscle relaxation, and visualization can be
very helpful here. See the Guided Relaxation Exercise on
the page 6-53.
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6-52b
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6-55

Process Fights and Regrettable Incidents.
The couple will be able to process fights and regrettable in-
cidents using The Aftermath Of A Fight Or Regrettable
Incident exercise (see 6-58).
Processing Arguments.
By using the Aftermath of a Fight as an aid for couples, you
help the partners to process a fight or regrettable incident
they’ve just had. After each partner describes the anatomy
of the fight, the exercise focuses on the following:
I felt. What was each person feeling? What are the

unstated “I statements”? You can help people to identify
these by using the “I feel” checklist, or teaching them
focusing if the Aftermath Questionnaire feelings list
isn’t adequate for them.
Each partner describes his or her own subjective

reality. The couple needs to subscribe to the notion
that there are always two valid subjective realities. So
an important goal for you is first getting both people
to realize that there are always at least two valid ways
of seeing any interaction. Then you help each partner
to describe the following: What were each person’s
perceptions and needs in this situation? How did they
express their needs? Partners take turns being speaker
or listener. The speaker presents their point of view
or subjective reality about what happened, while the
listener just listens. Then they trade roles. You help
the partners to transform negative attributions of their
partner into statements about their positive needs; this
is the recipe for their success. You can help the partners
to describe their needs by asking questions like “What
did you wish for?” “What would have been ideal?”
“What did you hope for?” “If you could have waved a
magic wand and everything would have been perfect
suddenly, what would that have looked like?”
Summarizing & validating two subjective realities.

After one partner is the speaker, the listener then
summarizes what their partner just said. You should
make sure that the speaker gently makes corrections
if the listener didn’t reflect the speaker’s most
salient points. You may also need to use a Dan Wile
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intervention to help include in the summary the

affective part of what was said, not just the content.
Then you guide each partner to state some validating
words, like “I can understand and see why you’d have
these feelings and needs. It makes sense to me...” This
validation is not simply cognitive; it is an affective
validation and reflects acceptance of the partner’s needs
and feelings hopefully from a place of compassion and
empathy. You should check with the speaker to ensure
that he or she has felt heard while trying to keep this
process from becoming mired in past grievances.
Identifying the triggers. To deepen understanding of

underlying dynamics of the fight, you may choose to
help each partner to define what set off each person’s
defensive, sad, hurt, or angry (and so on) feelings? Are
these familiar triggers for that person? Where do they
come from?
Why these triggers? Faulkner once said, “the past is

not dead. It is not even past.” You can use a narrative
approach to have each person tell the story of why this
trigger was a trigger for escalation or withdrawal.
Taking responsibility. Each person acknowledges their

role in the miscommunications, accepts responsibility,
expresses regret and apologizes.
Constructive Plans. Can they come up with one idea

for making this continuing dialogue on this issue better
next time? What is one thing they would like their
partner to do differently next time? What is one thing
they can do differently next time?
In sum, couples need to understand the fights they’ve just
had. How did they get into this muddle? Why didn’t it go
well? What is the meaning of the issue to them? What are
the sources of their gridlock on the issue? In Wile’s terms,
“What was the conversation they needed to have, but
didn’t?” We maintain a Susan Johnson emotion focus in
this overview of a fight and in their movement from what
Wile calls an adversarial mode, to an admitting mode, to a
collaborative mode.
The adversarial mode is one in which they are in attack-
defend mode, that is, the Four Horsemen are present.
6-57
The admitting mode is one in which they can start see-

ing their responsibility in the problem and the argument.
The Aftermath of a Fight Questionnaire helps here. Also,
Video-tape playback is useful for moving many couples
from attack-defend to admitting modes.
Moving to collaborative mode is a greater challenge. It
is easier to do after the fight than during it, partly due
to DPA. Soothing is very important in partners moving
themselves to collaborative mode, as are the earlier steps
of the Sound Relationship House, those that are related to
Negative Sentiment Override.
The next step is to get the couple to be able to have a
dialogue about this issue. In this dialogue, they actually use
how they feel about the issue as a way of indexing the first
three levels of the Sound Relationship House. For example,
suppose a partner tends to get angry with her partner
because she thinks he is paying too much attention to the
children. After many Aftermath of a Fight conversations, she
eventually learns that this issue is reminiscent of her con-
flicts with her sister for her parents’ attention. The problem
doesn’t go away, but it becomes an index of her not asking
for what she needs from her partner. She begins to have
more insight into the issue.
Many fights and regrettable incidents are about failures of
emotional connection, too, like having turned away from or
against bids. Processing these regrettable incidents not only
helps with conflict management—it also aids in building
the friendship system.
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6.5. Enhance Friendship/Intimacy

There are many interventions that help to build friendship
and greater intimacy. Here are the ones we consider most
important:
6.5.1. Friendship—Goal #1:

Build Love Maps.
The Gottman Love Map Exercise
Purpose: The couple establishes a baseline in their know-
ledge of one another, and each partner begins to become
very well-known to the other. Cognitive room begins to be
allocated for each partner. Our research has revealed that a
very powerful predictor of relationship stability is whether
couples allocate cognitive room for their relationship and
for the world of their partner. It is as if the masters of rela-
tionship have developed a map of the world of their part-
ners, a cognitive map of their relationship and its history,
and a map of their partner’s history, concerns, preferences
and the current world of their partner. Love Maps are
created by asking open-ended questions. An open-ended
question is a question that can’t be answered by a simple
“yes” or “no.” It is a question such as, “How would you like
our life to change in the next five years?”
The goal is to change the way couples move through time
together.
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6.5.2. Friendship—Goal #2:

Turn Towards—The Stress-Reducing Conversation.
In this exercise, you teach the couple how to have a conver-
sation in which they take turns disclosing what is stressful
in their lives outside their relationship. Neil Jacobson, when
studying relapse, found that the greatest predictor of relapse
was how a couple handled external stress. So the strength
of this exercise is to buffer the couple both from stresses any
couple encounters in the world today and from the loneli-
ness that can come when experiencing those stresses alone.
It is the loneliness that most likely induces relapse later in
the relationship. Here is how this exercise is conducted:
First, ask each partner to think of something outside the
relationship that is stressful for each person right now. It
might be job-related, or related to extended family, physical
problems, or any number of things. Explain that the best
way to be supportive during stressful times is to be their
partner’s ally. That entails listening non-judgmentally, ask-
ing their partner questions, especially about their feelings,
and then empathizing with those feelings. It does not work
to problem-solve for the partner, for this makes the partner
feel as if he or she is viewed as too ignorant or dumb to fig-
ure out his or her own solution. Structure the conversation
as follows by giving these instructions:
The Speaker’s Job: Present what is stressful to you. Try to
be as open as you can about it. The source of stress needs
to be something that is happening outside the relationship,
like a job stress or stress in your family of origin. It can
also be a worry about your health or some other internal
worry. Do not talk about any stress you may feel inside
the relationship. Try to be as responsive as you can to your
partner’s questions, interest, and empathy. This is your
chance to not be so alone with your problem. It may feel
risky and vulnerable to talk about what’s bothering you, but
your partner will have specific ways that he/she can really
be there for you. Try not to move too quickly to problem-
solving. Wait until you feel your partner fully understands
your issue first. In addition, it will be helpful to also say one
thing that happened during your day that was good and
perhaps one thing you are looking forward to in the coming
days. This might take as long as 30-60 minutes; take your
time. You deserve it.
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The Listener’s Job: As your partner is sharing what is

stressing them, try to use any one of the skills below that I’ll
describe for you. Do not problem solve for your partner:
SHOW INTEREST: Ask your partner questions

about their stress, for this shows you care enough to
be curious, and you want to know as much as you can
about their difficulties. Questions can be like, “What’s
this like for you?” “What do you feel about this?” “What
is the worst part about this for you?” or “What’s most
upsetting to you about this?”
EXPRESS EMPATHY: This is the most important

way to support your partner: empathizing with their
feelings. This means that you try to put yourself in
their shoes, feel at least a part of what they’re feeling,
and express your compassion for them. Statements of
empathy sound like this: “You must be so upset about
that,” “I’d be worried about that, too.” “That sounds so
sad for you.” “That sounds scary.” I’d be so angry, too.”
“What a bummer.” That’s such a drag. I’d be down,
too.” “How irritating!” “How annoying!”
It’s statements like these that help your partner to

feel less alone, and like you really GET where they’re
living with this stress. It may feel artificial at first to
say things like these. After all, they’re stock phrases
and not your words. But when learning any new
communication skill that you haven’t tried before, the
words will sound fake until you get the hang of it. Then
your own words will come naturally to you, which is
best of all.
SIDE WITH YOUR PARTNER, NOT WITH

THE ENEMY: When your partner complains about
someone else, do not choose this time to side with that
“other!” This would only make your partner feel ganged
up on, attacked, and like a fool for being open with
you. Later, your partner would be much less likely to
confide in you. Instead, take your partner’s side. Even
if you agree with the issue the “enemy” has raised, like
your partner always being late, for example, you can
empathize with your partner being chastised publicly
for being late, and save your own issues with your
partner’s lateness for discussion another time. That
way, you’re not being dishonest about their lateness
6-69
being just fine with you, and you’re also being honest in
empathizing with your partner’s feelings – after all, if
their boss publicly humiliated them, that’s not fun for
anyone. Choose this moment, then, to be empathetic,
rather then siding with “the boss”, and joining in on
the criticism. You can always empathize about feelings,
even if not about the issue itself.
DON’T RUSH TO PROBLEM SOLVE: Most

partners want to solve their own problems, so they
can feel in control of their situation, and proud of
themselves that they’ve thought of the right solution.
So don’t jump in with a solution. That is what many of
us want to do when we feel our partner’s distress and
want to help them with it. More often than not, it’s the
man who’s rushing in to problem solve. Don’t do it! It
will give your partner the feeling that they’re not smart
enough to think of their own solutions. Instead, hang
back, listen, ask questions, empathize, and wait for your
partner’s cue that they actually want help in problem
solving. This will look like, “What do you think I
should do?” or “I really need your advice on this.”
Then, it’s OK to jump in and offer suggestions, but not
before then.
DON’T MAKE IT ‘OUR PROBLEM’ UNLESS

YOUR PARTNER WANTS IT TO BE SO:
Sometimes our partners want to confide in us about
the problem, but ultimately, they want to handle it
themselves. It’s an autonomy issue. Partners may feel
more self-respect when they handle their own problems
rather than handling them together with you. But if
your partner indicates that they want your help by the
problem being shared by both of you, then it’s fine to
indicate to your partner that this can be your problem,
too.
Now that you understand each of your jobs of speaker and
listener, take turns being either one. One of you can be the
speaker and talk about your stress while your partner prac-
tices the listening skills I’ve described. Then switch roles.
The speaker can now be the listener while the other partner
describes their own stress. So you’ll each get a turn practic-
ing listening skills and experiencing your partner as a good
friend to you.
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The following is an example of a conversation between

partners/spouses demonstrating the ‘Wrong Way’ and the
‘Right Way’ to have a Stress-Reducing Conversation:
Wrong Way:
P1: I had another terrible meeting with Ethel today in
which she challenged my knowledge, and she has
been going to the boss telling him that she doubts
that I am competent. I hate her.
P2: I think this is another example of you flying off the
handle and over reacting. I have seen her be very
constructive and reasonable. Maybe you are just
not being sensitive to her concerns.
P1: The woman is out to get me.
P2: This is the paranoid streak you have coming out.
I’ve told you to try to control that.
P1: Oh, forget it.
Right Way:
P1: I had another terrible meeting with Ethel today in
which she challenged my knowledge, and she has
been going to the boss telling him that she doubts
that I am competent. I hate her.
P2: I can’t believe that woman! She is the meanest
fighter and a terrible gossip. What did you say?
P1: I told her she is just out to get me. And that she’s
not going to succeed.
P2: She can make anyone become paranoid. I’d like to
get even with her.
P1: So would I, but I think it’d be better to just forget
it. Just ignore her.
P2: Your boss knows what she’s like. Everyone does.
P1: That’s true. He doesn’t share her opinions of me,
and she goes around saying everyone is incompe-
tent but her.
P2: That’s bound to backfire.
P1: I hope so, or she will give me an ulcer.
P2: She’s given her partner one.
P1: He has an ulcer?
P2: I just heard about it.
P1: Good Lord!
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6.6. Create Shared Meaning
6.6.1. Shared Meaning—Goal #1:

Build Rituals of Connection.
Intentionally create central rituals of emotional connection,
both informal & formal.
We work with the couple to identify shared meanings of
importance.
It is a sad state of affairs that most (67%) USA families
do not eat dinner together regularly, and of the 1/3 who
do, half of these have the television on during dinner, ef-
fectively ending conversation. Consider this fact and the
fact that many couples do not make time to be together
to build in what Bill Doherty (in his book, The Intentional
Family) and we (in our Meanings Interview) call “Rituals
of Connection.” Rituals of Connection can be as simple
as the informal rituals like leave taking, reunions, dinners,
and bedtimes. Or they can be more structured, like the
Stress Reducing Conversation, the Relationship Date, or
Scheduling Sex and Romance. They can also include more
formal rituals such as birthdays, anniversaries, entertaining
friends and colleagues, Thanksgiving, and other holidays
(Passover, Christmas, etc.).
Help the couple to build these rituals by first creating a safe
climate and then leading the partners through exercises in
which they prioritize what matters to them in their own
lives and what provides then with meaningful connection.
Doherty recommends scripting the ritual so everyone
knows what they are supposed to do to enter into the
ritual, to carry it out, and to exit from it. So, for example,
he knows that after they do the dinner dishes together,
he makes coffee while she gets the kids playing or doing
homework, and then he brings the coffee into the living
room and she is waiting there for them to talk about their
day (or anything else) for at least 30 minutes. Then they
put the kids to bed.
The ritual gives them something that the couple looks
forward to—a way for them to connect with each other in
ways that are meaningful to them.
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6.6.1.1. Five Essential Rituals of Connection

We recommend that you not terminate with a case without
considering having the couple add some form of the fol-
lowing five essential rituals of connection.
1. The Daily Stress-Reducing Conversation. At least 30
minutes, in which they each get to be the speaker for at
least 15 minutes.
2. The Weekly one hour “State of the Union” conversation.
The structure of this meeting is: (1) Begin by talking about
what has gone right this week in the relationship, (2) Give
one another 5 appreciations each that you haven’t uttered
yet this week (see the Expressing Appreciations Card
Deck, or app), (3) If a problem exists use the Gottman-
Rapoport Intervention to discuss the problem, or if a
regrettable incident occurred, use the Aftermath of a Fight
to process it, and, (4) End the meeting by asking one
another the question, “What can I do next week to make
you feel loved?”
3. The Weekly Date, in which there is at least one hour for
talking and checking in emotionally with one another. The
conversation can begin with a question like, “How are you
doing? What’s on your heart and mind?” As tools for this
date couples can use the Open-Ended Questions Card
Deck or app, and The Intimate Conversation Exercise in
GottSex.
4. Daily Cuddle Time. Every evening couples should
spend some time cuddling, touching one another, putting
their arms around one another, holding hands, and kiss-
ing while they either talk, or watch TV, or a movie. The
book The Normal Bar (by Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper
Schwartz, and James Witte), which studied 70,000 people
in 24 countries, found that of all the couples who did not
cuddle, only 6% said they had a satisfying sex life. Also,
see the book The Science of Kissing by Sheril Kirshenbaum,
which reported a German study that showed that men
who kissed their wives as they left for work lived 5 years
longer than men who didn’t.
5. Rituals about sex. See John & Julie Gottman’s book
The Art and Science of Lovemaking (or the website
GottSex.com). In many subcultures in the USA people
are uncomfortable talking about sex. These rituals can help
a couple have a more satisfying sex life. The magical win-
dow into a satisfying sex life is kissing. Of course, for those
lips to feel desirable, it’s important that we help a couple
6-73b
build friendship. The book The Normal Bar found that

everywhere on the planet couples who reported having a
satisfying sex life had a weekly date, kissed one another
passionately every day, sincerely said “I love you” every day,
gave compliments, surprise gifts, and cuddled. That is, they
made courtship a priority. They didn’t take it for granted.
a. A way for initiating lovemaking.
b. A way of saying no to sex that works for the couple.
One response that can work is, “Thank you for tell-
ing me that you’re not in the mood for sex. What
are you in the mood for? Would you like to talk?
Would you like to take a walk, or watch a film?” Ac-
cepting a partner’s no to sex need not end emotional
connection.
c. A way to talk about sex. Couples who can talk
about their sex life have a better sex life.
Relapse Prevention
Relapse prevention has proven itself very effective for many
psychological issues. We recommend that you read Relapse
Prevention by G. Alan Marlatt and Dennis Donovan (2007,
Guilford Press). It is helpful to discuss relapse as a real
possibility for many couples trying to change. There will be
moments when they revert back to old patterns. Normalize
this kid of event by explaining that change isn’t always a
straight line, that setbacks are a part of learning anything
new. It takes time to practice any new skill. Just don’t give
up and proclaim, “I’m done!” The important thing to re-
member is that one should expect times when these meth-
ods will not work. It’s not the end of learning, it’s a natural
part of the process of change.
To apply these relapse prevention ideas, we recommend
ending every session by asking your clients what they will
take from this session into their week, and checking in with
them the following week. Using the advice from Marlatt
and Donovan’s work, the therapist can ask the clients to
identify situations in their daily lives when it would be very
difficult for them to actually use interventions like the ones
you used today in your office (for example, the Gottman-
Rapoport Intervention). Then discuss each situation and
problem-solve with them about ways to actually use the
interventions in each of these difficult situations.
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6.6.1.2. Examples of Rituals of Connection

Here are some examples of informal Rituals of Connection
you might work on with a couple (they need to be impor-
tant to the couple):
Leave Taking. Don’t leave without knowing at least one
thing that is going to happen in your partner’s life that day.
Reunions. When coming back home there is an affection-
ate greeting. There is a loving kiss that lasts at least several
seconds (not a peck on the cheek).
Mealtimes. Come together at meals and share the events
of the day. Each person gets a chance to talk. Make meals
an environment of peace, affection, support, and attention.
Avoid conflict during dinners.
Eating Out. Eating out can be a special event that can
turn an ordinary end of a day into a celebration or romantic
event. Eating in a favorite restaurant can become a family
tradition and ritual with considerable meaning.
After-meal (or after kid bedtime) Coffee or Tea. Doherty
and his partner Leah created a tradition after dinner in
which their children played or did homework while the two
of them talked. They all cleaned up after dinner and then
Bill made the coffee and brought it out to Leah in the liv-
ing room, and they talked for about an hour. It was a time
of peace and connection.
The Reunion Stress-Reducing Conversation. Each
person gets a turn to talk about what was stressful that day
(not about the relationship), and to receive support.
Bedtimes. Going to bed is a time when there can be cud-
dling, physical affection, letting go of tension and irritabil-
ity. Don’t go to sleep without a kiss (not a perfunctory one).
Morning Rituals. For many families mornings are cha-
otic times, but this need not be the case at all. They can be
times of connection when everyone is sent off with positive
wishes and a good spirit.
Dates and Getaways. These are times when the couple
gets a baby sitter and does something alone, on their own,
including talking to one another. No kids are to be present.
In our child-centered families these dates and getaways (like
for a weekend to a bed and breakfast inn) become very rare.
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We recommend a weekly date and weekend getaways 3 times

a year.
When One Person is Sick. Rituals surrounding get-
ting sick and being taken care of can be very important to
people. Often spouses have very different ideas about how
they want to be treated when they are sick.
Celebrations of a Triumph. How does this family deal
with pride and praise, celebrate successes, and acknowledge
and reward achievement? We recommend that the fam-
ily build what we call a culture of praise. By this we mean
that it is possible to search for things to be thankful for and
pleased about, even if these are only small and everyday
things.
Rituals Surrounding Setbacks, Bad Luck, Failures,
Fatigue, or Exhaustion. How does this family heal, sup-
port, or renew itself ?
Rituals Surrounding Entertaining. Again the idea of a
home and bringing friends into it can lead to important
rituals of connection for a couple and for children.
Rituals Surrounding Keeping in Touch with Kin and
Friends. Family events, reunions and so on can play a vital
role in families.
Rituals Surrounding Initiating and Refusing Love
Making, and Talking About Lovemaking. These are
often very important events that get left for the very end of
the day when everyone is exhausted and has little left for
tenderness, or for facing potential rejection. The famous
sex therapist Lonnie Barbach says that couples often think
these events should be “spontaneous,” and so they avoid
any scripting or planning. However, if they think back to
their courtship they recall that romantic dates were often
planned, even the attire, perfume, place to go to, music
and wine for the return to his or her apartment, and so
on. Once married, suddenly these events become an after-
thought, and hence a casualty of being married. This has
led to the old saw that relationships are the cure for lust.
Vacations. The way people introduce a need for a vacation,
an idea for a vacation, how they plan the trip, and what the
vacation itself is like (do people take work to do? Are they
available to the office? How separate are they, how togeth-
er? Etc.)
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There are also rituals of connection that surround somewhat

more formal events, such as anniversaries, birthdays, and
so on. Then there are the more formal events and holidays
that tend to be rich in emotional significance. They may in-
volve extended family or community. These often constitute
a yearly Holiday Cycle which can be imbued with profound
meaning. Have the couple talk about their holiday cycle
and what each of these events mean. Doherty also talks
about rituals of passage like circumcisions, bat mitzvahs,
weddings, and funerals. These meaningful events are often
landmarks in the family life cycle and may be community
events as well. Here is how to support the couple’s explora-
tion of these rituals:
The Primary Family. We have found it helpful to go back

to each person’s primary family and ask about the rituals
of connection surrounding these events. Try to elicit rich
narratives about these events. Ask about the typical ritual,
and then ask about the worst and the best such event. For
example, ask people to recall their worst birthday experience
growing up. One reason to ask these questions is that there
are often unresolved conflicts or traumas surrounding these
events and these get played out later in the relationship
and keep leading to disappointment, defensiveness, and
hurt. For example, there may be projections onto a hapless
spouse, but the supposed feelings are attributed to that
spouse’s character. In this exploration also try to uncover
the central elements that each person needs for these rituals
to have meaning and for becoming pleasant events that
they can look forward to.
Rituals for Now. Have the couple describe what elements

they want to retain from historical experiences of the
event, and what elements they would like to add or change.
Support the couple to identify these as concretely as
possible and to compromise if needed in order to construct
a ritual that is satisfactory for both of them.
Have the couple use the following questions to discuss the
details of how they would like to do this ritual together, in-
cluding getting very specific about the details of their ritual.
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Questions
a. What is meaningful about this for you?
b. When will this be done?
c. How often will it be done?
d. How long should it last each time?
e. Who will initiate it?
f. Who will do what in this ritual?
g. What will happen next?
h. How will it end?
i. How can we integrate this into our lives so we can
count on it?
6.6.2. Shared Meaning—Goal #2:

Create Shared Purpose in the Couple Building a Life Together.
Building the shared meaning system by making intentional
their goals, narratives, mission, symbols, cultures, and
legacies, and which of these they hold in common.
In building this goal, have each person write their own mis-
sion statement, then have them share this with one another.
This exercise is a very rich part of the shared meaning sys-
tem. The partners can also be encouraged to bring in photo
albums and to talk about their heritage and legacy from
their families, plus their beliefs, values, religious practices,
and so on. You may also want to help the partners to write
a mission statement for this family that includes what they
want to take from their past and what they want to create
anew.
In your lifetime:
• What are you trying to accomplish?
• What is your dream?
• What is your life mission?
• How do you want to be remembered when you’re gone?
• What changes might you make in your relationship to
accomplish your dreams/life’s mission?
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6.7. Process
6.7.1. Structure of a Typical Session
Starting a Session with Catch Up. It is quite important

that the couple doesn’t feel that you have a “curriculum”
or a prescribed “agenda” that prevents them from bringing
into the session their major concerns of the previous week.
You should also track where the therapy is going; this will
emerge from illuminating the couple’s emotional process as
it unfolds. You may want to catch up on the events since the
last session, especially checking up on any assigned home-
work from the last session. Ask them how they are, how
the week (or other time period) went since you’ve last seen
them. This can sometimes be done by having the couple
talk to one another about the week, instead of reporting to
you. If they feel safe with you, they will most likely tell you
their most burning area, how they are stuck.
Processing: Have the Couple Talk to Each Other With
Empathy. They will start off catching you up about their
most pressing issue. After talking a bit with them about it,
ask them to talk to one another rather than narrating the
incident to you. Use the aftermath format if a fight, regret-
table incident, or failed bid has occurred. Now they are talk-
ing about what they feel and needed (positive need). They
may need your help to stay on track.
When someone tells you how they are feeling instead of
talking to their partner, ask, “Can you tell him (her) that?”
and then, if necessary, help each person to speak with their
emotions so that they can be understood. We often use Dan
Wile’s methods to do that (see Dan Wile, After the Fight).
You can also use the methods Susan Johnson developed to
create a bonding moment instead of an injury created by
the fight or by the turnings away or against.
Use Video Taping & Replay. When a couple is really stuck
on an issue and unable to process it, you can have them
engage in a bit of the fight or regrettable incident, recreat-
ing it in your office for a few minutes. You can videotape
this for replay if you wish. We will sit behind the video
camera and have them put on a pulse oximeter before they
begin. Afterwards, we will watch the last interaction on the
video monitor before processing what happened. The reason
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this process is so powerful is that for most couples, it moves

them from an attack/defend mode to an admitting mode,
where they can admit their role in the discussion, without
starting the fight all over again. Admitting is part of pro-
cessing interaction.
We recommend that, as the therapy proceeds, you do not
dominate during this processing discussion, but instead,
think of an intervention, preferably one that will provide
the couple with one tool they can use in their interaction.
When they talk to you about their partner, try to get the
interaction to be dyadic instead of triadic. “Can you tell him
(her) that?” or “Talk to each other.” We think of the model
of a boxing coach, who after the bell goes off signaling the
end of a round gives the boxer one very simple suggestion
that can be used in the next round. The boxer can hear only
simple and clear direction, because he has been getting hit
on the head in the past round. Generally, at any particu-
lar stage of treatment the therapist is working on specific
processes of the Sound Relationship House. Video playback
is very powerful in getting people to move away from an
attack-defend mode.
Homework: Make the Therapy Last All Week. Before
the session ends (maybe during the last 10 minutes) ask
them to tell you and one another what they think they have
been working on in this session, and what unfinished parts
remain. Talk about these unfinished parts. Then have them
design a homework task that will generalize the interven-
tion to their everyday life outside the therapy. Ask them,
“What is one thing you can take from this session into the
week?” Ultimately you are trying to change the way they
move through time together. That is the ultimate general-
ization of the changes that occur in your office.
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6.7.2. What the Therapist Can Say

OUR GOALS ARE:
• Stay in the present and stay focused on the emotions in
the room.
• Make the therapy dyadic instead of triadic. The inten-
tion is that the couple will learn how to do this type of
emotion processing themselves.
Take your time with this process of staying in the present and
focusing on self-disclosure, emotional expression, and respon-
siveness. Build empathy and understanding. Be patient with
the process. You may need to be very active at first and model
a lot of this. It will lead to greater understanding, safety, and
intimacy. Here are examples of some things you can say as a
therapist to facilitate these processes in your therapy.
Goal #1:
Articulate The Emotions That Are In The Room. What
Do They Feel? What Do They Need?
• Talk about what you are feeling right now.
• What do you wish for here?
• If I could wave a magic wand and you would suddenly,
like Cinderella (or Prince Charming), have everything
your heart desires, what would that be?
Concepts From Dan Wile. Drawing on ideas from our
work and from Dan Wile and Susan Johnson, the therapist,
at times, speaks emotionally for a client, and checks this out
with that client by saying, “Let me see if I can help here, I will
try speaking for you. Okay? Correct me if I get this wrong.”
Dan Wile softens the negativity by speaking for the cli-
ent empathetically to the partner. Sometimes Wile adds
the unspoken positive feelings he knows are there, and
articulates the inner dialogue the person is probably hav-
ing within himself or herself, but which is also not getting
articulated. He always checks out this “speaking for” the
client to make sure the client thinks the therapist is being
accurate.
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Wile is trying to turn attacks, defensiveness, and withdraw-

als into self-disclosures. Here is an example:
He: Sheila, I think you’re being unfair to Elizabeth,
our daughter, especially when you’re drinking,
and I just can’t take this anymore. I’m thinking
of leaving.
She: Well, Harry, that’s just great. Just check out like
you always do.
Therapist: “Let me see if I can help here, I will try speaking
for you. Okay? Correct me if I get this wrong.”
[speaking as Harry] “Sheila, on the one hand I
know you’ve been a great mother and that it’s
true that I have been checked out a lot as a fa-
ther. I’m real sorry about that. But now that I’m
getting closer to Elizabeth I get worried that
she’s not being treated right. I get angry and I
don’t know how to tell you.”
He: Yeah, that’s it, that’s exactly what I said.
The therapist directly reflects what he or she is hearing by
saying it out loud to the partner, checks it for accuracy with
the client, and then asks the client to say this in his or her
own words to the partner.
When the client is trying to articulate what he or she feels,
the therapist may probe the client to elicit what the client is
feeling and create a bonding between partners.
Examples follow, in broad categories.
Goal #2:
Therapist Articulates the Emotions, Then Has Client
Talk To Partner
Preface your statement to put the emotions in italics by saying
something like:
• What you’re saying is very important. Let me see if I
got it…
• Let me see if I can speak for you right now, and correct
me if I get it wrong.
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Then, depending on the emotion, say:
• So what I am hearing is that you feel that you will al-

ways disappoint your partner and fail. Can you tell him
(her) that?
• You want to respond to her (his) pain, but right now

you feel so attacked and are so angry that you can’t do it.
Can you tell her (him) that?
• Sounds like you feel you can’t do anything right, so why

even try? Can you tell him (her) that?
• There is an unbelievable sadness here as if you might be

destroyed and left totally alone. Did you know that he
(she) felt that way? Can you tell him (her) that?
• Can you tell him (her) what happens to you when you
feel unsafe? What do you need from him (her)?
• Now that he (she) is able and willing to be there for

you, you’re not sure that you can risk or trust enough for
that to happen, to get that close.
• You have been let down so many times before that

you’re not sure this time will be any different. Can you
tell him (her) that?
• You just wanted the fights to stop. But talking like this
with this kind of vulnerability is terrifying. Can you tell
him (her) that?
• It is very difficult for you to feel safe enough to take in

his (her) comfort. Can you tell him (her) that?

his (her) affection. Can you tell him (her) that?

his (her) empathy. Can you tell him (her) that?

his (her) reassurance. Can you tell him (her) that?
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• It is very hard to be positive when you’ve been through so

much.
• What events can not be forgotten? What hurts here and
now cannot be left behind? Can you tell him (her) about
that?
• So is this true? When you reach out for empathy she
(he) is just not there for you and you are left completely
alone. Can you tell him (her) that? Can you also try to
say that as a positive need? [“What I need from you
is…”]
• Can you turn that complaint into a positive need? Can
you tell him (her) that?
• So when he (she) talks about what he (she) needs, you
are left feeling attacked, hopeless, and inadequate. It
makes you want to run away. Did I get that right? Can
you tell him (her) that now?
While processing and getting at a self-disclosure, to make inter-
action dyadic, say: Can you tell him (her) that?
• When he (she) says what he (she) needs, you feel a total

sense of despair. Am I getting that right? Can you tell
him (her) that?
• When he (she) becomes angry, you see it as huge, you

feel blamed and attacked, and have no idea what to do.
Is that right? Can you tell him (her) that?
• It is hard to realize that when he (she) needs you this

much, it means you are enormously important to him
(her). Is that right? What does it feel like to know you
are that important? Can you tell him (her)?
• When he (she) reaches out for you, you get your armor
on and fire off a hostile comment so he (she) will back
off and it will be less scary. Is that right? Did you know
he (she) felt that way?
• So when you hear him (her) say that it makes you feel
needed and important? Can you tell him (her) that?
• Feeling safe and loved the way you feel now is what
you’ve been searching for all along, isn’t it? Can you tell
him (her) that?
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• All along you have wanted to become aware of his (her)

active interest in you. Is that right? Can you tell him
(her) that?
• When he (she) calls you “too needy” it makes you feel

foolish and ashamed as if you are bad for having needs.
Can you tell him (her) that?
• You want him (her) to need you less and be more inde-
pendent. And what you are feeling is that you will never
be able to meet his (her) expectations that you will be
there. Is that right?
• You just don’t feel that she (he) needs you at all, and
it makes you feel so alone to realize that. Can you say
that?
• She (he) doesn’t seem so dangerous anymore now that

you know what to do when she (he) gets angry. Is that
so?
• So what you’re saying is that on the one hand you feel…

but on the other hand you also feel…Is that right? Can
you tell him (her) that?
• So even though the two of you are very different on this

dimension, you can now live with these differences. Is
that what you’re saying?
• It’s natural to look for explanations about why he (she)

acts that way. But when you give that explanation him
(her) it feels to him (her) like a put down. Is that right?
• It feels to you that he (she) is detached and judging you

when he (she) criticizes your personality. Is that right?
Eliciting Validation
• Does the way he (she) is feeling make any sense to you?

• Does this need that he (she) is expressing make any

sense to you? Can you tell him (her) that?
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• Now try completing a sentence like this one: “I can

understand why you have these feelings and needs,
because…”
• It’s okay to ask questions if you don’t get it.

• Make sure he (she) has really heard you. Do you feel
understood here?
Therapist Probes
• So what image comes to your mind as you are feeling

this way? Can you tell him (her) that?
• What do you see as your choices here?

• How would you evaluate the choices you have right at
this moment? Can you tell him (her) that?
• Tell me the story of that.

• Rewind the videotape of your memory and stop at the
first moment that comes to mind. Tell me the story of
that.
• Are you thinking that you are sure you will let him (her)
down and not be enough?
Mixed Feelings
• Now as you start this intimacy and closeness part of the
therapy, you’re not so sure you want this. Is that right?
• A lot of times we have mixed feelings about a situation.
One the one hand you feel like approaching her (him)
and being close physically, but on the other hand doing
that is frightening. Is that right?
Reactions, Facilitating Responsiveness

• What is happening inside you as you hear this from
him (her)? Can you tell him (her) that now?
• I can see that you have a reaction to what he (she) is
saying. Can you put that in words?
• You’re having trouble putting what you feel into words.
Let’s see if I can help. Correct me if I get it wrong.
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Let Me Tell You A Story About Another Couple I Know

• I want to tell you a story about another couple who
faced something very similar to what you’re going
through right now.
Congratulations
• So you’re saying that you have been able to stop feeling
out of control with [name an emotion – sadness, anger,
fear, crying] That’s great! How have you managed that?
• It’s amazing that you have survived that. How have you
managed to accomplish that?
• You wanted to run away but you didn’t, you stayed here
and remained present. That was amazing. How did you
manage that?
• I just noticed that you both really listened to one an-
other. That was amazing. How do you feel right now?
• This is a new positive thing that is replacing the nega-
tive pattern. Great job, you two!
• This feels to me like it’s working out much better. How
do each of you feel right now?
The Domino Theory: Ask “Is There Anything Else You’re

Feeling?”
We have a theory about processing emotions we call the
“Domino Theory.” The idea is that in an emotional event
there are usually a small set of emotions, lined up, like
dominoes. The leading emotion might be anger, and we
tend to process that lead emotion. Behind the lead emo-
tion, there may be another emotion, for example, sadness
that anger was aroused, behind the sadness there may be
insecurity about the relationship, and so on. So, as a result
of this theory, it is always a good idea to teach clients to ask
their partner, after processing the lead emotion, “Is there
anything else?” The therapist can model this process, asking
about whether the listener feels completely understood, or
finished, asking about other feelings and needs. We directly
explain the domino theory to clients and offer it as an ex-
planation of why people sometimes recycle back to discuss
an emotional event. The reason is that they haven’t really
finished with all the dominoes.
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So, the therapist can ask:

• “Is there anything else?
• Do you have other feelings or needs that need to be
understood here?”
The therapist can also teach the clients to ask this ques-
tion as part of processing an emotional event, or regrettable
incident.
6.8. Summary
In this chapter, we have described our assumptions and
goals of therapy, and then given you a number of tools to
strengthen each fundamental system of the relationship:
• Manage Conflict
• Build Friendship
• Create Shared Meaning
These three domains encapsulate what more than 3,000
couples in our research have taught us about what strength-
ens their relationships. Our interventions create the condi-
tions for what couples do to succeed.
These tools can be used as you see fit. They are not meant
to be conducted in any specific order. It will be your sen-
sitivity as a therapist to determine which tool best fits the
needs of your clients at any given moment. This also is only
an introduction to a great number of therapeutic interven-
tions we have developed over the years. Hopefully, they will
give you a taste of this work and a place to start to both heal
and enhance the relationships of the couples you see.
6-88
7-1
7. Additional Training and Services

Offered Through The Gottman
Institute
7.1. Level 2—Assessment, Intervention &
Co-Morbidities
LIVE WORKSHOP
Deepen your understanding of Gottman Method Couples
Therapy. Expand your strategies and interventions in your
work with couples! Presented by Dr. John Gottman & Dr.
Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Certified Gottman Trainers.
For a list of LEVEL 2 workshop dates, locations, and information about

continuing education credit, visit www.gottman.com
HOME STUDY
Experience the workshop at your own pace or in a group
with this 13 DVD set. You will receive the same manual
used in the live workshop with an Assessment of Knowledge
Test for Continuing Education credit. All the lectures, films
and role play demonstrations by the Gottmans are included.
To order, visit www. gottman.com. For group rates,
contact the Products Department at 888-523-9042 ext. 3
What Can You Expect in the Level 2 Training?

During this training you will have the opportunity to practice and integrate Drs. John
and Julie Gottman’s Assessment and Intervention Methods. The goal of this training is
to immerse you in the Gottman Methods in order for you to gain confidence in using the
techniques in your own clinical work. In this workshop you will:
• Refine your clinical skills during this valuable clinical training.
• Learn to internalize and integrate the powerful, research-based Gottman Method
Assessment and Intervention techniques in your work with couples.
7-2
• Gain insight as to when to use these methods and when couples therapy is
contraindicated.
• Become skilled in using our newly updated and re-designed Level 2 Clinical Man-
ual, that now includes revised Gottman Core Assessments, Gottman Supplemental
Assessments and 50+ Gottman Interventions.
• Take part in presentations with the Gottmans and Certified Gottman Trainers,
practice using Assessments and Interventions in group role-plays, view demonstra-
tion films, and participates in extensive discussions with Senior Certified Gottman
Therapists and clinicians from around the world
• Learn how the Gottman Method can be applied to the most difficult cases including
those with co-morbidities of PTSD, domestic violence, affairs and substance abuse.
• Receive supportive coaching from Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Gottman Consul-
tants and Senior Certified Gottman Therapists as you engage in vital dialogue and
participate in experiential exercises.
The Intervention Library

What specific interventions can make it easier to facilitate clinical processes with your
couples? We have developed a wide variety of therapeutic tools for your clinical use. In
most cases the idea for the intervention emerged from research on over 3,000 couples. We
currently have 50+ interventions in our Intervention Library. We have listed these for you
in the table below. They are organized according to the stages of the Sound Relationship
House. In the Level 2 workshop we cover many of these interventions in greater detail,
while using role-plays, showing demonstration films, providing feedback and working in
small groups.
11-5
Gottman11.6.
Method Interventions
Gottman Taught atTaught
Method Interventions Levelat2Level 2
Sound Relationship House Level Intervention Page
Share Fondness and Admiration “I Appreciate . . .” Adjective Checklist 11-9
Turn Towards vs. Turning Away Stress Reducing Conversation 11-15
Manage Conflict Gentle Start-up 11-23
Labeling and Replacing the Four Horsemen with their Antidotes 11-31
Physiological Soothing and Relaxation Exercise 11-37
The Gottman-Rapoport Exercise 11-45
Dan Wile Intervention 11-49
Internal Working Model 11-53
The Art of Compromise 11-55
Dreams Within Conflict - Releasing the Dreams 11-63
Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident 11-69
Create Shared Meaning Build Rituals of Connection 11-81
7-3
12-1
Additional Gottman Method Interventions

12. Additional Gottman Method Interventions
Sound Relationship House Level Intervention Page
Build Love Maps The Gottman Love Map Exercise 12-5

Build a Map of Your Partner’s Everyday Life 12-9
Injury and Healing 12-13
Ask Open-Ended Questions 12-17
Share Fondness and Admiration Thanksgiving Checklist 12-23
7-Week Guide for Creating Fondness and Admiration 12-27
Fondness and Admiration in Everyday Life 12-31
An Exercise in Thanksgiving 12-35
Turn Towards Behavior Exchange 12-39
Working as a Team: Building the Paper Tower 12-43
Negotiating Power: Who Does What in the Relationship? 12-47
The Aftermath of Failed Bids 12-53
How Do You Change Your Relationship? 12-59
The Emotional Communication Game 12-63
Sex, Romance, and Passion (Salsa Cards) 12-73
Three Skills of Intimate Conversation 12-81
Manage Conflict Choosing One Gridlocked Issue and One Solvable Issue 12-89
Ending Gridlock: Fears of Accepting Influence 12-95
Accepting Influence: Find Common Ground 12-97
Consensus Decision-Making Task: Mountain Survival Problem 12-99
Working Together as a Team: The Island Survival Task 12-105
Accept What You Cannot Change: Accept One Another 12-113
Find Dreams in Each Other’s Gridlock 12-117
Video Playback 12-135
Repair Checklist 12-137
Meta-Emotion Interview 12-141
Dealing with Meta-Emotion Mismatch 12-151
Which Relationship Style Do You Prefer? 12-155
Create Shared Meaning and Build The Meanings Interview 12-161
Rituals of Connection
Build Shared Meaning 12-169
Mission and Legacy 12-175
Triumphs and Strivings 12-179
Relapse and Resetting the Negativity Threshold: The Relationship
Relapse 12-185
“Poop Detector”
Preventing, Assessing and Managing Relapse: Relapse Questionnaire 12-189
Expect Relapse: Follow-up Sessions 12-193
The Magic Five and One-half Hours a Week 12-195
POST-LEVEL 2 TRAINING TELECONFERENCES

Many questions arise for clinicians after the Level 2 Training as they expand their inte-
gration of the assessments and interventions into their work with couples. The Gottman
Relationship Institute offers a series of Post-Level 2 Training Teleconferences designed to
support the training and answer your questions. The training is facilitated by Dr. David
Penner, Clinical Director.
7-4
7.2. Level 3 - Practicum Training

Presented By Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman,
and by Certified Gottman Trainers
For a list of LEVEL 3 workshop dates, visit www.gottman.com.
COURSE DESCRIPTION AND OVERVIEW

Fine-tune and master your skills using Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Participants
in the Level 3 Practicum Workshop, together with Drs. Julie and John Gottman, or wtih
Certified Gottman Trainers, examine actual videotaped cases of couples brought in by
workshop colleagues. These videotaped cases are used as teaching and learning tools to
help deepen understanding of when and how to use various Gottman Method approaches
and interventions, and how to break destructive patterns and replace them with meaning-
ful interactions.
During this workshop, Drs. John and Julie Gottman and Certified Gottman Trainers
lead discussions, demonstrate techniques and provide guidance in developing a road map
for clinical decisions. Participants have the opportunity to practice and refine their use
of Gottman Couples Therapy through participation in role-plays, demonstrations and
discussions in a small group setting, and receive personalized guidance and supportive
coaching from the Gottmans and Gottman clinical staff.
PRE-REQUISITES
• A minimum of a Master’s degree in a mental health-related field OR current

enrollment in a graduate program within a mental health-related field
• Completed Level 1 Live Training or DVD Home Study
• Completed Level 2 Live Training or DVD Home Study
• Therapy experience highly recommended, but not required
VIDEO PARTICIPATION
Participants are highly encouraged (although not required) to bring a video tape of
a couple from their practice to the Practicum, to share for teaching and role-play
experiences. The purpose of the video tapes is not to critique the therapist but to view
actual couples and learn how the Gottman Method can be applied to each case.
REGISTRATION PROCESS
Please go to www.gottman.com to find the course registration form.
FEES
The fee for the Level 3 Practicum Training is $1,250.
7-5
7.3. Gottman Certification Track
CONSULTATION AND VIDEO REVIEW
Following the Level 3 Certification Practicum workshop, clinicians in the Certification

Track have the opportunity to work with a Consultant to guide them in applying the
Gottman Method with their couples. There will be ample opportunity to ask questions
and receive input about all phases of working with couples, from assessment and treat-
ment planning through selecting and implementing appropriate interventions for each
client’s unique needs. Consultants will provide feedback on video tapes of therapy ses-
sions and will assist the therapist in becoming proficient in the core intervention skills
necessary for certification. A minimum of eight individual or twelve small group consul-
tations are required for certification.
Those who qualify and are interested may continue their training with a Gottman
Consultant following the Level 3 Practicum Workshop.
Minimum requirements for the Certification track include:
•• Level 1: Bridging the Couple Chasm (Live or DVD home study)
•• Level 2: Assessment, Intervention & Co-Morbidities Training (Live or DVD
home study)
•• Level 3: Practicum
•• Masters or doctoral degree in a mental health-related field
•• Licensure or certification in a mental health-related field
•• Minimum 1000 hours of post degree therapy experience
FEES
There is a one-time administrative fee of $675 payable to The Gottman Institute. This
fee includes the cost of evaluating tapes submitted for certification after the completion
of the consultation process. Fees for Consultation are additional and will be paid directly
to your Consultant. Consultation fees are $140 per 45–50 minute individual consulta-
tion and range from $85 to $100 for 50–90 minute small group consultations, depending
on the size of the group. In addition, the cost for the Consultant’s time reviewing video
tapes is prorated at the rate of $140 per 45–50 minutes. A minimum of three 15-minute
video segments are required for Consultant review but typically additional tape reviews
are necessary.
TO REQUEST A “HOLD” FOR YOUR ATTENDANCE OR FOR MORE

INFORMATION, CONTACT:
Professional Development
888-523-9042 ext 2
training@gottman.com
7-6
7.4. The Art & Science of Love Weekend Workshop

for Couples
in Seattle with Drs. John and Julie Gottman
Now Offering 12 Continuing Education Credits
Eager to understand Gottman Method from the inside out? A terrific way to enrich your
professional and personal educational experience is to attend a live couples workshop in
Seattle with Drs. John & Julie Gottman. Twelve (12) Continuing Education credits are
available for this workshop (please visit www.gottman.com for more details).
We also welcome your referred clients. If you know that they cannot afford the entire
registration fee, contact our Couples Department, and they can work out financial options
and/or partial scholarships.
Professionals who have completed Level 1, Level 2, or a Gottman Educator training are
eligible to receive a discounted rate.
To learn more about this opportunity, please refer to the program flyers
located at the front of your training manual.
Note: Certified Gottman Therapists may attend a complimentary couples workshop with
their spouse or partner. Level 3 Certification candidates may attend with their spouse or
partner for $99.
Contact the Couples Department for more details or for information regarding Couples
Weekend Workshops in Seattle, WA, by phone 1-888-523-9042 ext. 1 or email
couples@gottman.com.
For a list of THE ART & SCIENCE OF LOVE workshop dates,

visit www.gottman.com
7-7
7.5. Professional Opportunities

for Certified Gottman Therapists
• You will be able to present yourself to your clients and to your community as a Certi-
fied Gottman Therapist. When couples, the media and professional groups in your
area hear or read about The Gottman Institute and/or Drs. John and Julie Gottman,
they may seek a therapist or speaker certified in Gottman Method Couples Therapy.
• You may join The Gottman Referral Network and advertise yourself as a Certified
Gottman Therapist:
• On The Gottman Referral Network website, www.gottmanreferralnetwork.com,

with the option of including your photo, bio and link to your website.
• In our Provider Directory, distributed to over 2,000 individuals per year who
participate in The Art & Science of Love Weekend Workshop for Couples.
• You will receive an invitation to attend a complimentary workshop of The Art and
Science of Love Weekend Workshop for Couples, with your spouse/partner, led by Drs.
John and Julie Gottman in Seattle, WA.
For a list of THE ART & SCIENCE OF LOVE workshop dates,

visit www.gottman.com
• You will receive priority status to serve as a paid “Roving Therapist” at The Art and
Science of Love Weekend Workshop for Couples in Seattle with Drs. John and Julie
Gottman or throughout North America with other Certified Art & Science of
Love Workshop Leaders. Couples workshops facilitated by John and Julie Gottman
attracts an average of 200 couples and requires the help of 25 Certified Gottman
Therapists to assist couples at the workshop. Once you have served at one Seattle-
based workshop as a “Shadow” you are eligible to serve as a paid “Roving Therapist.”
• You may receive training to become a Certified Art & Science of Love Workshop
Leader. Workshop Leaders are now offering The Art and Science of Love Weekend
Workshop for Couples in many locations throughout the United States and Canada.
• You will receive an invitation to attend new and special events sponsored by The
Gottman Relationship Institute to further your ongoing clinical skills development
within a warm, supportive professional community of like-minded clinicians.
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7.6. The Gottman Referral Network
The Gottman Referral Network (GRN) is The Gottman Institute’s primary resource for
couples worldwide who are seeking Gottman Method Couples Therapy. The GRN is a
new, easily navigable online system that allows Gottman trained clinicians to post their
clinical practice profiles and specialties for access by couples needing help.
The GRN is open to licensed clinicians who have completed Level 2: Assessment,
Intervention and Co-Morbidities, and Level 3: Practicum Training, and Certified
Gottman Therapists.
We encourage you to complete your Gottman Method training to reach a higher level of
competency in using this method with your clients. Since couples are seeking therapists
trained in our method, the GRN will doubtless contribute to your couples’ referrals, sup-
porting the expansion of your skills and practice.
To learn more about this service, please refer to the program flyers
located at the front of your training manual.
7-9
7.7. The Gottman Relationship Checkup

www.checkup.gottman.com
You can now invite your couples to use the Gottman Assessment Questionnaires in a
digital format! Our new, online relationship assessment tool not only automatically scores
your couples’ strengths and challenges, it also provides you with detailed clinical feedback
and a suggested treatment plan with specific recommendations for intervention.
To learn more, please refer to the program flyers

located at the front of your training manual,
or visit checkup.gottman.com.
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7.8. What Are Clinicians Saying About Our Training?
Beginning therapists often ask, “Do Gottman therapists really use all these tools?” and “How
do clients react to these questionnaires and heart rate monitors?” I am here to say “ Yes” and
“With relief!” I use every tool, gratefully (because they work)! Working toward and achieving
certification has been one of the very best self care investments of my professional life. Getting
certified was a pretty large undertaking, but The Gottman Relationship Institute provides the
perfect blend of intellectual stimulation and support for me as a clinician.
–SUZANNE PRATT, LCSW, SALT LAKE CITY, UT
When I’m working with couples I now have much more confidence that I’m offering them the
best treatment available. This makes my work day much more alive and creative. No “stuck”
moments where I have no idea what to do.
–DAVID BRICKER, PH.D., NEW YORK, NY
Through the professional training, encouragement, and opportunities provided by The Gottman
Relationship Institute, I’ve expanded my potential as a trainer, leader, and presenter. I highly
recommend the Gottman Relationship Institute’s training programs as a way to discover one’s
full professional potential.
–NINA GRUENEBERGER, LCSW, CARMICHAEL, CA
As a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist, I have found new creativity and energy in my
practice. I have become known for my expertise in working with couples from this research-
based approach and have a steady stream of referrals from colleagues.
—LYNDA VOORHEES, LMFT, SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA, CA
This certification has boosted my visibility and credibility in the community and increased
referrals to my practice a great deal.
—VAGDEVI MEUNIER, PSY.D., AUSTIN, TX
8-1
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9-1
9. Couples Therapy: A Research-Based Approach
Level 1 Clinical Training

Bridging the Couple Chasm
Gottman Method Couples Therapy:
A New Research-Based Approach
Chapter 1:
Research and Theory
What is New in this Workshop:
The Need for Theory
Chapter 1 2
FILM
Monty Python’s Flying Circus
The Argument Clinic Film
9-2
What is Different about Gottman Method

Couples Therapy?
• New approach to Conflict Management versus Resolution
• Not all Conflicts are the Same: Hidden Agendas – Existential
Section 1.1.1 4
FILM
Couple’s Argument: The Picnic
What Is Our Focus?
• Our Focus is on Emotion

• Build Skills for Managing Conflict
• Build Skills for Friendship
Section 1.1.2 6
9-3
Our Research Methods

• Over 40 years of Research, • Longitudinal (Up to 20 Years) and
Representative Samples Developmental (Babies, Children)
• Happy-Stable, Not Only Ailing • Gay, Lesbian, as well as Heterosexual
Relationships
• Domestic Violence
• Multi-Method: Physiology, Self-Report,
• Transition To Parenthood
Behavior
• Theoretical and Mathematical
• Multi-Situational: Conflict, Events,
• Intervention and Prevention Research
Apartment Lab
• Extension to Lower-Income Population
Section 1.2 7
FILM
The Love Lab
What is “Dysfunctional” in Relationships?

• Busting a Few Common Myths
• What is True, Based on Research?
– More negativity than positivity
– Escalation of Negative Affect
– The Four Horsemen
Section 1.3 9
9-4
The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt
4. Stonewalling
Section 1.3.2 10
FILM
The Four Horsemen,
What Predicts Divorce?
11
What is True, Based on Research?

(Continued)
• Emotional Disengagement and Withdrawal

• Failure of Repair Attempts
• Physiological Arousal
• Failure of Men to Accept Influence
12
9-5
FILM
Husband Accepts Influence from Wife
13
What is “Functional” When a

Relationship Goes Well?
• Answers come from studying relationships that last and are satisfying longitudinally
• Previous research had to rely on therapist’s fantasies of what a good relationship was like
• This knowledge determines some of the goals of therapy
• Matched preferred conflict styles
• Dialogue, not gridlock
• Successful repairs
Section 1.3.3 14
FILM
Turning Towards, Turning Away,
and Turning Against
15
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Summary Checklist
• Positive affect serves to down-regulate negativity and soothe

physiologically (But, how does one create positive affect – e.g., humor
during conflict?)
Section 1.4 16
Beyond Checklists
• We need a theory to individualize couples therapy

• Our theory is the Sound Relationship House Theory
Section 1.5 17
Three Domains:
• Constructive Conflict
• Friendship/Intimacy/Positive Affect Systems
• Shared Meaning
Section 1.5.1 18
9-7
Section 1.5.1 19
Chapter 2
Assessment: Overview
• The Couple’s Experience of Assessment
• Multi-Method Assessment in Three Sections
– Session 1: Conjoint
– Session 2: Individual Sessions
– Session 3: Feedback Session
Chapter 2 20
When is Couples Therapy

Contra-Indicated?
• Ongoing Affair
• Characterological Domestic Violence
• May need to add or refer for individual treatment which must be highly
coordinated with the couple’s therapy
Section 2.4 21
9-8
Assessing Friendship
• Oral History Interview

• 19-Areas Checklist
Section 2.5 22
Assessing Sentiment Override
• Conflict Discussion
• Flooding Questionnaire
Section 2.6 23
Assessing Conflict
• Conflict Discussion
• Sound Relationship House Questionnaire
Section 2.7 24
9-9
Assessing Meaning
• Narrative
• Shared Meaning Questionnaire
• During Interventions
25
Chapter 3
Assessment: Session 1 Summary
• Welcome
• Office Disclosure Statement
• The Couple’s Narrative: What We Look for in Their Story and How They Tell It
• Video Tape a Conflict Discussion
• Instructions for individual Sessions
• Questionnaires
Section 3.1 – 3.2 26
The Couple’s Narrative
• Both partners are probably anxious.

• Ask, “What brings you here? What can I help you with?”
• Empathize equally with both partners.
• Focus on emotions.
• Reflect what you hear by saying, “This is happening between you.” Don’t
“nail” either partner.
27
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The Oral History Interview
• The Buehlman Dimensions We Assess

• The Questions We Ask
Section 3.3 28
Assessment: Session 1
Sampling Couple Conflict Interaction
• Setting Up the Conflict Discussion • Critical Behaviors to Observe
– Escalation: The Four Horsemen
– Emotional Engagement or Disengagement
– Accepting Influence
– Repair (Pre-Emptive or after Negativity)
– Positive Affect (Humor, Affection, Empathy)
– Use of Video Tape
– Physiological Arousal
– Compromise
Section 3.4.1 – 3.4.3 29
Chapter 4
Assessment: Questionnaires
• Locke Wallace: Relationship Satisfaction
• Weiss-Cerretto: Breakup Potential
• The Sound Relationship House Questionnaires
Chapter 4 30
9-11
Sound Relationship House Questionnaires

• Love Maps • Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness
• Fondness and Admiration • Sex, Romance, Passion
• Turning Towards • Shared Meanings
• Negative Sentiment Override – Rituals
• Harsh Startup – Roles
• Accepting Influence – Goals
• Repair Attempts – Symbols
• Compromise • Trust
• Gridlock on Perpetual Issues • Commitment
• Four Horsemen • Flooding
pp. 4-7 – 4-16 31
19-Areas Checklist for Solvable

and Perpetual Problems
• Emotional Connection • Affair(s)
• Handling Stress • Unpleasant Fights
• Disagreements • Values and Goals
• Romance and Passion • Hard Times
• Sex • Teamwork
• Critical Incident • Power Struggles
• Children • Finances
• In-laws • Fun
• Jealousy • Community
• Spirituality
pp. 4-17 – 4-26 32
Three “Detour” Scales
These scales provide additional clinical information

• Chaos
• Meta-Emotion
• Family History
pp. 4-27 – 4-33 33
9-12
Additional Questionnaires
• Gottman Emotional Abuse Questionnaire (EAQ)

• Control, Fear, Suicide Potential, and Acts of Physical Aggression
Questionnaire
• SCL-90: Psychopathology Screen
• CAGE AID
• Brief Michigan Alcohol Screening Test (b-MAST)
pp. 4-35 – 4-41 34
After doing trainings for more than 20 years,

we heard the same concern over and over
from clinicians:
“How will I ever find enough time in my busy practice to
complete a thorough assessment?”
35
FILM
The Gottman Relationship Checkup Demo
36
9-13
Chapter 5
Individual Sessions
Assess:
• Individual Narratives
• Commitment to Relationship
• Hopes, Expectations, and Fears
• Prior Therapy
• Cost/Benefit Analysis
• Potential Co-morbidities (Domestic Violence, Depression, Addictions, Ongoing Affair,
Psychopathology)
• Relevant Family History
Section 5.1 37
Feedback Session
• What is the Nature of the Couple’s Friendship?
• What Kind of Sentiment Override is There?
• What is the Nature of Conflict and its Regulation?
• Do They Honor Life Dreams?
• Do They Create Shared Meaning?
• Potential Resistances (e.g. Chaos)
Section 5.2 38
Discussing and Deciding

About Goals
• Importance of Therapeutic Alliance with Both People
• Clinician’s Checklist for Couple Assessment
• Setting Therapeutic Goals as a Partnership with the Couple
Section 5.2 39
9-14
FILM
Assessment
40
Chapter 6
Intervention
• Philosophy of the Therapy Assumptions: Our Dozen
• Overview of the Therapy
• Goals of the Therapy
Section 6.1 – 6.3 2
Key Interventions From the

Gottman Library
• Gottman-Rapoport Intervention • Build Love Maps
• Eliminate the Four Horsemen • The Stress-Reducing
• Dreams Within Conflict Conversation
• Aftermath of a Fight • Build Rituals of Connection
9-15
Conflict Goal #1
Understand the Partner’s Point of View
Gottman-Rapoport Intervention
• Postpone Persuasion Until Both People Can State Partner’s Position to
Partner’s Satisfaction
• “What’s This” Mode vs. “What The Hell Is This” Mode
• Speaker’s Job – No Blaming, State Feeling, and Positive Need
• Listener’s Job – Take Notes, Summarize, and Validate Speaker’s position,
Ask Questions
Section 6.4.1 4
FILM
Rapoport Intervention
Conflict Goal #2
Eliminate the Four Horsemen
• Interrupt Four Horsemen
• Replace Each One with Antidote
• Criticism – Teach Gentle Start-up
• Defensiveness – Teach Taking Responsibility
• Contempt – Describe Your Own Feelings and Needs
• Stonewalling – Self-Soothing
Section 6.4.2 6
9-16
FILM
Flooding and Self-Soothing:
Eliminate the Four Horsemen
Conflict Goal #3
Move from Gridlock to Dialogue
Help the Partner Understand the Underlying Dreams
• Getting at Underlying Dream or Meaning Behind Position on the Issue
• Speaker – State Position without Blame, with Depth
• Listener – Ask Questions about History, Meaning, and Dream within
Partner’s position (Don’t try to Solve the Issue)
Section 6.4.3 8
FILM
Dreams Within Conflict
9-17
Conflict Goal #4
Develop Six Skills
1. Gentle Start-Up
2. Accept Influence
4. De-Escalate
5. Compromise
6. Physiological Soothing
Section 6.4.4 10
Conflict Goal #5
Process Fights and Regrettable Incidents
• Two Subjective Realities, Both Right
• Feelings List
• Validate Each Other’s Realities
• Triggers
• Taking Responsibility
• How to Make It Better Next Time
Section 6.4.5 11
FILM
Aftermath of a Fight
12
9-18
Friendship Goal #1
Build Love Maps
• Build Knowledge of Partner’s Internal World
• Use Card Deck
• Guess Right Answer to Question on Each Card
• If Wrong, Partner Makes Gentle Correction
• Ask Open-Ended Questions
Section 6.5.1 13
FILM
Build Love Maps
14
Friendship Goal #2
Turn Towards: The Stress-Reducing Conversation
• Issue External to Relationship
• Don’t Try to Solve the Problem
• Take Turns Listening and Being Supportive
• Validate Emotions Even if Disagree with Position
Section 6.5.2 15
9-19
FILM
Turn Towards:
The Stress-Reducing Conversation
16
Shared Meaning: Goal #1

Build Rituals of Connection
• Rituals are Times You Can Count on Connecting
• Formal and Informal Rituals Made Meaningful and Intentional
• Discuss Details of Preferred Ways to Connect
• Include Family Histories Related to Specific Rules
Section 6.6.1 17
FILM
Build Rituals of Connection
18
9-20
Shared Meaning Goal #2:

Create Shared Meaning in the Couples Building
a Life Together
• Making Shared Meaning System Intentional
• Discuss Beliefs, Values, Missions, Legacies, Roles, and Goals
• Validate One Another
• Plan How to Honor Each Other
Section 6.6.2 19
FILM
Create Shared Meaning
20
Process
• Structure of a Typical Session
• What The Therapist Can Say: Principles:
– Here and Now
– Affect Focus
– Therapy Dyadic not Triadic
– Integrates Therapist’s Empathy and Understanding with Psycho-Education
• What the Therapist Actually Says
– Therapists Articulates Emotions and Has Them Talk to One Another
– Role Plays of Process-Three Vignettes of the Wrong and the Right Thing to Say
Section 6.7 21
9-21
Summary
• Therapy is Theory-Based
• Therapy Starts with Assessment
• Therapy has Three Domains
– Manage Conflict
– Build Friendship
– Create Shared Meaning
Section 6.8 22
Chapter 7
Additional Training & Services
• Level 2 – Assessment, Intervention, and Co-Morbidities
• Level 3 – Practicum Training
• Becoming a Certified Gottman Therapist
• Learn to Present “The Art and Science of Love” Workshop for Couples
Chapter 7 23
9-22

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Copyright © 2000–2016 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.

Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

COPYRIGHT AND TRADEMARK NOTICE

GOTTMAN METHOD COUPLES THERAPY:

1. Level 1—Bridging the Couple Chasm—

For more information on becoming a Certified Gottman Therapist,

COMPLETED LEVEL 1 TRAINING IN GOTTMAN METHOD COUPLES

COMPLETED LEVEL 2 TRAINING IN GOTTMAN METHOD COUPLES

COMPLETED LEVEL 3 PRACTICUM TRAINING:

Completed Level 3—Practicum Training in Gottman Method Couples

Participated in Certification Consultation Training in Gottman Method Couples

Completed Certification Consultation and Video Review in Gottman Method

About Drs. John and Julie Gottman

Gottman Method Couples Therapy

At the end of this workshop you will be able to:

1. Summarize the research that allows us to predict future relationship stability.

We appreciate your taking time to join us.

10:30 – 10:45 am Break

12:00 – 11:25 pm Lunch

l Session 3—The Therapeutic Contract: Discussing and

19:45 – 10:10 am Conflict Management

10:10 – 10:30 am Break

10:30 – 11:50 pm Conflict Management, continued

11:50 – 12:00 pm Questions and Answer Session

12:00 – 11:25 pm Lunch

11:30 – 13:15 pm Building Friendship and Shared Meaning

13:15 – 13:30 pm Break

3:30 – 13:55 pm Process of the Therapy

13:55 – 14:05 pm Summary

14:05 – 14:15 pm What’s Next: Additional Training

4:15 – 15:00 pm Question and Answer Session

Outline and Schedule...................................................................................... v

1. Research and Theory........................................................................... 1-1

2. Assessment: Overview ....................................................................... 2-1

3. Assessment: Session 1......................................................................... 3-1

4. Assessment: Written Questionnaires

• Shared Meanings Questionnaire.............................................4-13

4.4. Gottman Assessment Scoring Summary Sheet and

5. Assessment: Sessions 2 and 3............................................................. 5-1

6.5.2. Friendship—Goal #2: Turn Towards—The Stress-Reducing

1. Research and Theory

of these desired behaviors.

• We used to think that all a therapist needed to do when

consistently communicate acceptance of one another;

nal decision makers. Furthermore, expressing emotion

to be creative. Thus, moderating physiological arousal

A large mismatch that can trouble couple relationships

Let’s begin by talking about the nature of the theory we

1.1.1. What is Different About Gottman Method Couples Therapy?

• It is a cognitive couple therapy, focusing on how couples

1.1.2. What is Our Focus?

Our belief is that every clinician can be effective in using

1.2. Our Research Methods—The Levenson-

may have used items that purportedly assess such charac-

“fixed lab,” we were able to obtain data on respiration,

partner’s responses. People presumably relive their partner’s

ing influence and sharing power predicted couple stability.

In John’s book, What Predicts Divorce?, John employed

In Study 5 John has been asking basic questions of what

1.3. What Is “Dysfunctional” and “Functional” In