My Pursuit of Happiness

(Memoir)

I started my pursuit of happiness as soon as I came into

this world. My mother says I’m impassive. Whenever she asks
me what I’m feeling, I always say I’m okay but when she put her
hand to my forehead, it felt burning. When I was three months
old, my weight was 7.9 pounds. I got high cheek bones, brown
eyes and pinkish lips. I was born In June 15, 2002 at Sto.
Domingo, Alfonso Lista, Ifugao where my grandfather died.
When I reached my
three years of age, my uncle
died due to a bone fracture at
his spinal cord. I still
remember, my parents hired the barangay’s transport for my family to
fit in it so that no one will be left behind. The burial’s venue was then
at my aunt’s house located at Sentenial Homes, Phase 1, Pinagbuhatan,
Pasig City. From that age of mine, I started to feel heavy emotions like
loneliness and longingness.
When I was in grade 1, I escorted my brother on his candidacy
as 1st prince. I was then four years old and obviously, has a strong
sleeping-tolerance compared to my brother who’s a sleepy head. My
mother actually thought, I’ll be a strong and independent woman in the
future for having that characteristic.
But mind you, it has nothing to do with who I am right now. To tell you honestly, I’m still
dependent on my parents and friends and my happiness absolutely
depends on them. On the other hand, my brother and I were so
close back then. He’s my savior and protector, a friend to lean on-
we always tell our secrets to each other, and we always show our
love and care to each other. We were actually titled as the best
twins among the rest, but it was all changed when we started to be
aware on things that we thought don’t exist. Every time we start to
talk about serious matters, an awkward atmosphere is always
present. It actually feels surreal whenever I reminisce our good old
memories together. We’ve definitely grown separately. We aren’t
talking to each other that much, sharing problems and of course
frequent fights were evident. Indeed, everything has changed. My
perception towards my life has also changed. I became a bit
introvert at the age of seven, and t’was such a burden to truly find
the genuine happiness I’m looking for. Being on a corner, waiting
for the time to pass real fast. Observing people on how they behave on a certain situation, critiquing
actions they’re executing every situations they are in and have the chance to stare at my crush where I
eventually get my ‘bitch-like’ attitude.
 Subsequently, I also joined the “Search for Mr. and Ms. Star Bright. I was not happy joining
contests and I don’t really have the courage and interest. I was only
constrained because it has a bearing on my grade and I was a grade
conscious back then. I got a major and minor award- Ms. Wit and
Best in Sports and also, I only titled as the first runner up. Not bad
though for a first timer.
People congratulated me and I was
then so proud of myself. At least, even
if I was not so happy and interested in
joining the contest, I still get awards so
might as well be grateful with it.
As time goes by, I’m changing.
Physically, mentally, socially,
spiritually and emotionally. In
physically, different types of hair germinate, breasts developed, body shape
changed, became taller and more. In mental, probably I became matured in
viewing things. Like instead of focusing on the negative side of situation, I always look into the positive
of it. I think less of things that causes stress which I believe helps me to focus and appreciate those people
who surround me. I also became knowledgeable and aware on things I haven’t encountered since birth.
In socially, I am able to interact with different people and can adjust to different environment
immediately. I also developed my conversational skills throughout the years. In spiritually, I became an
active choir on our church and actually one of the officers. In emotionally, I started to develop my
feelings to someone else.
This was when I was 14 years of age. I solely remember this photo since
it reminds me of how in love I was with Benedict- my classmate. It is due to the
reason that he’s giving me false hopes which I found out, he’s sweet to all his
classmates.
I also thought, I was so young to feel such deep emotions. I failed to
identify if it was love or just a mere infatuation. And to identify it is essential for
me to be ready for the next level of my puberty, to have an experience, and to
learn various techniques to handle it with care since I’m a fragile type of person.
Until I reached my moving up ceremony. On the right
side was my T.L.E. subject teacher and on the left side was my
former best friend. I didn’t receive an award that day since I only
aimed to pass the school year. But that didn’t hinder me from seeking my true happiness. I
questioned myself, am I worth it? Am I worthy of living? Am I deserving of other people’s
love? That’s when I started to become aggressive, expressive, attention-seeker, whatever u
call it. Personally, it’s my way to cover how disappointed I am to myself, how to escape
reality, to avoid self-pitying and to avoid over thinking over petty things.
However, on my 17 years of existence, I am still at the
quest of my pure and true happiness. Not that I didn’t feel it in
the long run, it’s just that I feel like there’s something missing
part of me.
 Every time I was in the verge of feeling depress, when I felt everything is completely vanishing,
when every time my anxiousness is striking again, I always find a way to escape all of these. Making
hilarious comments and/or statements to make my teachers notice me, always reciting in class for my
classmates to notice me, posting pictures for my crushes notice me, and sharing posts for my friends to
notice me.
Obviously, I’m not like this before, but everything has changed all of a sudden. It was all started
when things got blurry between me and him. Back then, we were so sweet to each other, bidding good
nights, caring each other’s health by reminding each other to eat and take a good rest, helping each other
in doing requirements and more. There’s actually a time where we decided to have a label which I think
one of the reasons why I got destructed on my studies. We were fine, very fine actually- that was all I
thought not until I found out that he already got a girlfriend. I confronted him and wished that It wasn’t
true, but the truth slaps me hard.
I gathered all my strength and pray to god that I can move on as soon as possible, but everything
really happens for a reason. I met this guy who is so fascinating to be with. He’s funny, witty, tall,
mestizo and artistic. I still remember the day he said, “Ang galling mo, na impressed ako.” and my heart
goes beyond control. It was beating faster than the normal. That was when I easily moved on, and started
to develop this feeling of mine to him. Up until now, we have still communication and we’re not failing to
observe each other’s actions and achievements.
Though I eventually returned to the identification of myself, I knew what reality was: pure
consciousness, just being.