The Kugelmass Episode "Persky," Kugelmass said, "what's your scam?

"Persky," Kugelmass said, "what's your scam?" monotony of this crass rural existence," Emma said, clasping his hand. They
KUGELMASS, A PROFESSOR of humanities at City College, was unhappily "Pay attention," Persky said. "This is some beautiful effect. I developed it for a passed a small church. "I love what you have on," she murmured. "I've never
married for the second time. Daphne Kugelmass was an oaf. He also had two dull Knights of Pythias date last year, but the booking fell through. Get into the seen anything like it around here. It's so... so modern."
sons by his first wife, Flo, and was up to his neck in alimony and child support. cabinet." "It's called a leisure suit," he said romantically. "It was marked down." Suddenly
"Did I know it would turn out so badly?" Kugelmass whined to his analyst one day. "Why, so you can stick it full of swords or something?" he kissed her. For the next hour they reclined under a tree and whispered
"Daphne had promise. Who suspected she'd let herself go and swell up like a "You see any swords?" together and told each other deeply meaningful things with their eyes. Then
beach ball? Plus she had a few bucks, which is not in itself a healthy reason to Kugelmass made a face and, grunting, climbed into the cabinet. He couldn't help Kugelmass sat up. He had just remembered he had to meet Daphne at
marry a person, but it doesn't hurt, with the kind of operating nut I have. You see noticing a couple of ugly rhinestones glued onto the raw plywood just in front of Bloomingdale's. "I must go," he told her. "But don't worry, I'll be back." 
my point?" his face. "If this is a joke," he said. "I hope so," Emma said. 
Kugelmass was bald and as hairy as a bear, but he had soul. "Some joke. Now, here's the point. If I throw any novel into this cabinet with you, He embraced her passionately, and the two walked back to the house. He held
"I need to meet a new woman," he went on. "I need to have an affair. I may not shut the doors, and tap it three times, you will find yourself projected into that Emma's face cupped in his palms, kissed her again, and yelled, "O.K., Persky! I
look the part, but I'm a man who needs romance. I need softness, I need flirtation. book." got to be at Bloomingdale's by three-thirty."
I'm not getting younger, so before it's too late I want to make love in Venice, trade Kugelmass made a grimace of disbelief. There was an audible pop, and Kugelmass was back in Brooklyn.
quips at '21,' and exchange coy glances over red wine and candlelight. You see "It's the emess," Persky said. "My hand to God. Not just a novel, either. A short "So? Did I lie?" Persky asked triumphantly. 
what I'm saying?" story, a play, a poem. You can meet any of the women created by the world's best "Look, Persky, I'm right now late to meet the ball and chain at Lexington Avenue,
Dr. Mandel shifted in his chair and said, "An affair will solve nothing. You're so writers. Whoever you dreamed of. You could carry on all you like with a real but when can I go again? Tomorrow?"
unrealistic. Your problems run much deeper." winner. Then when you've had enough you give a yell, and I'll see you're back "My pleasure. Just bring a twenty. And don't mention this to anybody."
"And also this affair must be discreet," Kugelmass continued. "I can't afford a here in a split second." "Yeah. I'm going to call Rupert Murdoch." Kugelmass hailed a cab and sped off to
second divorce. Daphne would really sock it to me." "Persky, are you some kind of outpatient?" the city. His heart danced on point. I am in love, he thought, I am the possessor of
"Mr. Kugelmass-" "I'm telling you it's on the level," Persky said. a wonderful secret. What he didn't realize was that at this very moment students
"But it can't be anyone at City College, because Daphne also works there. Not Kugelmass remained skeptical. "What are you telling me-that this cheesy in various classrooms across the country were saying to their teachers, "Who is
that anyone on the faculty at C.C.N.Y. is any great shakes, but some of those homemade box can take me on a ride like you're describing?" this character on page 100? A bald Jew is kissing Madame Bovary?" A teacher in
coeds ..." "For a double sawbuck." Sioux Falls, South Dakota, sighed and thought, Jesus, these kids, with their pot
"Mr. Kugelmass-" Kugelmass reached for his wallet. "I'll believe this when I see it," he said. and acid. What goes through their minds!
"Help me. I had a dream last night. I was skipping through a meadow holding a Persky tucked the bills in his pants pocket and turned toward his bookcase. "So Daphne Kugelmass was in the bathroom-accessories department at
picnic basket and the basket was marked 'Options.' And then I saw there was a who do you want to meet? Sister Carrie? Hester Prynne? Ophelia? Maybe Bloomingdale's when Kugelmass arrived breathlessly. "Where've you been?" she
hole in the basket." someone by Saul Bellow? Hey, what about Temple Drake? Although for a man snapped. "It's four-thirty."
"Mr. Kugelmass, the worst thing you could do is act out. You must simply express your age she'd be a workout." "I got held up in traffic," Kugelmass said.
your feelings here, and together we'll analyze them. You have been in treatment "French. I want to have an affair with a French lover." Kugelmass visited Persky the next day, and in a few minutes was again passed
long enough to know there is no overnight cure. After all, I'm an analyst, not a "Nana?" magically to Yonville. Emma couldn't hide her excitement at seeing him. The two
magician." "I don't want to have to pay for it." spent hours together, laughing and talking about their different backgrounds.
"Then perhaps what I need is a magician," Kugelmass said, rising from his chair. "What about Natasha in War and Peace?" Before Kugelmass left, they made love. "My God, I'm doing it with Madame
And with that he terminated his therapy. "I said French. I know! What about Emma Bovary? That sounds to me perfect." Bovary!" Kugelmass whispered to himself. "Me, who failed freshman English."
A couple of weeks later, while Kugelmass and Daphne were moping around in "You got it, Kugelmass. Give me a holler when you've had enough." Persky As the months passed, Kugelmass saw Persky many times and developed a
their apartment one night like two pieces of old furniture, the phone rang. tossed in a paperback copy of Flaubert's novel. close and passionate relationship with Emma Bovary. "Make sure and always get
"I'll get it," Kugelmass said. "Hello." "You sure this is safe?" Kugelmass asked as Persky began shutting the cabinet me into the book before page 120," Kugelmass said to the magician one day. "I
"Kugelmass?" a voice said. "Kugelmass, this is Persky." doors. always have to meet her before she hooks up with this Rodolphe character."
"Who?" "Safe. Is anything safe in this crazy world?" Persky rapped three times on the "Why?" Persky asked. "You can't beat his time?"
"Persky. Or should I say The Great Persky?" cabinet and then flung open the doors. "Beat his time. He's landed gentry. Those guys have nothing better to do than flirt
"Pardon me?" Kugelmass was gone. At the same moment, he appeared in the bedroom of and ride horses. To me, he's one of those faces you see in the pages of Women's
"I hear you're looking all over town for a magician to bring a little exotica into your Charles and Emma Bovary's house at Yonville. Before him was a beautiful Wear Daily. With the Helmut Berger hairdo. But to her he's hot stuff."
life? Yes or no?" woman, standing alone with her back turned to him as she folded some linen. I "And her husband suspects nothing?"
"Sh-h-h," Kugelmass whispered. "Don't hang up. Where are you calling from, can't believe this, thought Kugelmass, staring at the doctor's ravishing wife. This "He's out of his depth. He's a lacklustre little paramedic who's thrown in his lot
Persky?" is uncanny. I'm here. It's her. with a jitterbug. He's ready to go to sleep by ten, and she's putting on her dancing
Early the following afternoon, Kugelmass climbed three flights of stairs in a Emma turned in surprise. "Goodness, you startled me," she said. "Who are you?" shoes. Oh, well . . . See you later."
broken-down apartment house in the Bushwick section of Brooklyn. Peering She spoke in the same fine English translation as the paperback. And once again Kugelmass entered the cabinet and passed instantly to the
through the darkness of the hall, he found the door he was looking for and It's simply devastating, he thought. Then, realizing that it was he whom she had Bovary estate at Yonville. "How you doing, cupcake?" he said to Emma.
pressed the bell. I'm going to regret this, he thought to himself. addressed, he said, "Excuse me. I'm Sidney Kugelmass. I'm from City College. A "Oh, Kugelmass," Emma sighed. "What I have to put up with. Last night at dinner,
Seconds later, he was greeted by a short, thin, waxy-looking man. professor of humanities. C.C.N.Y.? Uptown. I-oh, boy!" Mr. Personality dropped off to sleep in the middle of the dessert course. I'm
"You're Persky the Great?" Kugelmass said. Emma Bovary smiled flirtatiously and said, "Would you like a drink? A glass of pouring my heart out about Maxim's and the ballet, and out of the blue I hear
"The Great Persky. You want a tea?" wine, perhaps?" snoring."
"No, I want romance. I want music. I want love and beauty." She is beautiful, Kugelmass thought. What a contrast with the troglodyte who "It's O.K., darling. I'm here now," Kugelmass said, embracing her. I've earned this,
"But not tea, eh? Amazing. O.K., sit down." shared his bed! He felt a sudden impulse to take this vision into his arms and tell he thought, smelling Emma's French perfume and burying his nose in her hair.
Persky went to the back room, and Kugelmass heard the sounds of boxes and her she was the kind of woman he had dreamed of all his life. I've suffered enough. I've paid enough analysts. I've searched till I'm weary. She's
furniture being moved around. Persky reappeared, pushing before him a large "Yes, some wine," he said hoarsely. "White. No, red. No, white. Make it white." young and nubile, and I'm here a few pages after Leon and just before Rodolphe.
object on squeaky roller-skate wheels. He removed some old silk handkerchiefs "Charles is out for the day," Emma said, her voice full of playful implication. By showing up during the correct chapters, I've got the situation knocked.
that were lying on its top and blew away a bit of dust. It was a cheap-looking After the wine, they went for a stroll in the lovely French countryside. "I've always Emma, to be sure, was just as happy as Kugelmass. She had been starved for
Chinese cabinet, badly lacquered. dreamed that some mysterious stranger would appear and rescue me from the excitement, and his tales of Broadway night life, of fast cars and Hollywood and
TV stars, enthralled the young French beauty. champagne in their suite on Sunday night and talked until dawn. That morning, in that reads like the defense budget."
"Tell me again about O. J. Simpson," she implored that evening, as she and the cab taking them to Persky's apartment, Kugelmass thought, It was hectic, but "So what should I do? This is the world of magic," Persky said. "It's all nuance."
Kugelmass strolled past Abbe Bournisien's church. worth it. I can't bring her here too often, but now and then it will be a charming "Nuance, my foot. I'm pouring Dom Perignon and black eggs into this little mouse,
"What can I say? The man is great. He sets all kinds of rushing records. Such contrast with Yonville. plus her wardrobe, plus she's enrolled at the Neighborhood Playhouse and
moves. They can't touch him." At Persky's, Emma climbed into the cabinet, arranged her new boxes of clothes suddenly needs professional photos. Also, Persky, Professor Fivish Kopkind, who
"And the Academy Awards?" Emma said wistfully. "I'd give anything to win one." neatly around her, and kissed Kugelmass fondly. "My place next time," she said teaches Comp Lit and who has always been jealous of me, has identified me as
"First you've got to be nominated." with a wink. Persky rapped three times on the cabinet. Nothing happened. the sporadically appearing character in the Flaubert book. He's threatened to go
"I know. You explained it. But I'm convinced I can act. Of course, I'd want to take "Hmm," Persky said, scratching his head. He rapped again, but still no magic. to Daphne. I see ruin and alimony; jail. For adultery with Madame Bovary, my wife
a class or two. With Strasberg maybe. Then, if I had the right agent-" "Something must be wrong," he mumbled. will reduce me to beggary."
"We'll see, we'll see. I'll speak to Persky." "Persky, you're joking!" Kugelmass cried. "How can it not work?" "What do you want me to say? I'm working on it night and day. As far as your
That night, safely returned to Persky's flat, Kugelmass brought up the idea of "Relax, relax. Are you still in the box, Emma?" personal anxiety goes, that I can't help you with. I'm a magician, not an analyst."
having Emma visit him in the big city. "Yes." By Sunday afternoon, Emma had locked herself in the bathroom and refused to
"Let me think about it," Persky said. "Maybe I could work it. Stranger things have Persky rapped again-harder this time. respond to Kugelmass's entreaties. Kugelmass stared out the window at the
happened." Of course, neither of them could think of one. "I'm still here, Persky." Wollman Rink and contemplated suicide. Too bad this is a low floor, he thought,
"I know, darling. Sit tight." or I'd do it right now. Maybe if I ran away to Europe and started life over . . .
"Where the hell do you go all the time?" Daphne Kugelmass barked at her "Persky, we have to get her back," Kugelmass whispered. "I'm a married man, Maybe I could sell the International Herald Tribune, like those young girls used to.
husband as he returned home late that evening. "You got a chippie stashed and I have a class in three hours. I'm not prepared for anything more than a The phone rang. Kugelmass lifted it to his ear mechanically.
somewhere?" cautious affair at this point." "Bring her over," Persky said. "I think I got the bugs out of it."
"Yeah, sure, I'm just the type," Kugelmass said wearily. "I was with Leonard "I can't understand it," Persky muttered. "It's such a reliable little trick." Kugelmass's heart leaped. "You're serious?" he said. "You got it licked?"
Popkin. We were discussing Socialist agriculture in Poland. You know Popkin. But he could do nothing. "It's going to take a little while," he said to Kugelmass. "It was something in the transmission. Go figure."
He's a freak on the subject." "I'm going to have to strip it down. I'll call you later." "Persky, you're a genius. We'll be there in a minute. Less than a minute."
"Well, you've been very odd lately," Daphne said. "Distant. Just don't forget about Kugelmass bundled Emma into a cab and took her back to the Plaza. He barely Again the lovers hurried to the magician's apartment, and again Emma Bovary
my father's birthday. On Saturday?" made it to his class on time. He was on the phone all day, to Persky and to his climbed into the cabinet with her boxes. This time there was no kiss. Persky shut
"Oh, sure, sure," Kugelmass said, heading for the bathroom. mistress. The magician told him it might be several days before he got to the the doors, took a deep breath, and tapped the box three times. There was the
"My whole family will be there. We can see the twins. And Cousin Hamish. You bottom of the trouble. reassuring popping noise, and when Persky peered inside, the box was empty.
should be more polite to Cousin Hamish-he likes you." "How was the symposium?" Daphne asked him that night. Madame Bovary was back in her novel. Kugelmass heaved a great sigh of relief
"Right, the twins," Kugelmass said, closing the bathroom door and shutting out the "Fine, fine," he said, lighting the filter end of a cigarette. and pumped the magician's hand.
sound of his wife's voice. He leaned against it and took a deep breath. In a few "What's wrong? You're as tense as a cat." "It's over," he said. "I learned my lesson. I'll never cheat again, I swear it." He
hours, he told himself, he would be back in Yonville again, back with his beloved. "Me? Ha, that's a laugh. I'm as calm as a summer night. I'm just going to take a pumped Persky's hand again and made a mental note to send him a necktie.
And this time, if all went well, he would bring Emma back with him. walk." He eased out the door, hailed a cab, and flew to the Plaza.
At three-fifteen the following afternoon, Persky worked his wizardry again. "This is no good," Emma said. "Charles will miss me." Three weeks later, at the end of a beautiful spring afternoon, Persky answered his
Kugelmass appeared before Emma, smiling and eager. The two spent a few "Bear with me, sugar," Kugelmass said. He was pale and sweaty. He kissed her doorbell. It was Kugelmass, with a sheepish expression on his face.
hours at Yonville with Binet and then remounted the Bovary carriage. Following again, raced to the elevators, yelled at Persky over a pay phone in the Plaza "O.K., Kugelmass," the magician said. "Where to this time?"
Persky's instructions, they held each other tightly, closed their eyes, and counted lobby, and just made it home before midnight. "It's just this once," Kugelmass said. "The weather is so lovely, and I'm not getting
to ten. When they opened them, the carriage was just drawing up at the side door "According to Popkin, barley prices in Krakow have not been this stable since any younger. Listen, you've read Portnoy's Complaint? Remember The Monkey?"
of the Plaza Hotel, where Kugelmass had optimistically reserved a suite earlier in 1971," he said to Daphne, and smiled wanly as he climbed into bed. "The price is now twenty-five dollars, because the cost of living is up, but I'll start
the day. you off with one freebie, due to all the trouble I caused you."
"I love it! It's everything I dreamed it would be," Emma said as she swirled The whole week went by like that. "You're good people," Kugelmass said, combing his few remaining hairs as he
joyously around the bedroom, surveying the city from their window. "There's F. A. On Friday night, Kugelmass told Daphne there was another symposium he had to climbed into the cabinet again. "This'll work all right?"
O. Schwarz. And there's Central Park, and the Sherry is which one? Oh, there-I catch, this one in Syracuse. He hurried back to the Plaza, but the second "I hope. But I haven't tried it much since all that unpleasantness."
see. It's too divine." weekend there was nothing like the first. "Get me back into the novel or marry "Sex and romance," Kugelmass said from inside the box. "What we go through for
On the bed there were boxes from Halston and Saint Laurent. Emma unwrapped me," Emma told Kugelmass. "Meanwhile, I want to get a job or go to class, a pretty face."
a package and held up a pair of black velvet pants against her perfect body. because watching TV all day is the pits." Persky tossed in a copy of Portnoy's Complaint and rapped three times on the
"The slacks suit is by Ralph Lauren," Kugelmass said. "You'll look like a million "Fine. We can use the money," Kugelmass said. "You consume twice your weight box. This time, instead of a popping noise there was a dull explosion, followed by
bucks in it. Come on, sugar, give us a kiss." in room service." a series of crackling noises and a shower of sparks. Persky leaped back, was
"I've never been so happy!" Emma squealed as she stood before the mirror. "Let's "I met an Off Broadway producer in Central Park yesterday, and he said I might seized by a heart attack, and dropped dead. The cabinet burst into flames, and
go out on the town. I want to see Chorus Line and the Guggenheim and this Jack be right for a project he's doing," Emma said. eventually the entire house burned down.
Nicholson character you always talk about. Are any of his flicks showing?" "Who is this clown?" Kugelmass asked. Kugelmass, unaware of this catastrophe, had his own problems. He had not been
"I cannot get my mind around this," a Stanford professor said. "First a strange "He's not a clown. He's sensitive and kind and cute. His name's Jeff Something- thrust into Portnoy's Complaint, or into any other novel, for that matter. He had
character named Kugelmass, and now she's gone from the book. Well, I guess or-Other, and he's up for a Tony." been projected into an old textbook, Remedial Spanish, and was running for his
the mark of a classic is that you can reread it a thousand times and always find Later that afternoon, Kugelmass showed up at Persky's drunk. life over a barren, rocky terrain as the word tener ("to have")-a large and hairy
something new." "Relax," Persky told him. "You'll get a coronary." irregular verb- raced after him on its spindly legs.
"Relax. The man says relax. I've got a fictional character stashed in a hotel room,
and I think my wife is having me tailed by a private shamus."
The lovers passed a blissful weekend. Kugelmass had told Daphne he would be
"O.K., O.K. We know there's a problem." Persky crawled under the cabinet and
away at a symposium in Boston and would return Monday. Savoring each
started banging on something with a large wrench.
moment, he and Emma went to the movies, had dinner in Chinatown, passed two
"I'm like a wild animal," Kugelmass went on. "I'm sneaking around town, and
hours at a discotheque, and went to bed with a TV movie. They slept till noon on
Emma and I have had it up to here with each other. Not to mention a hotel tab
Sunday, visited SoHo, and ogled celebrities at Elaine's. They had caviar and