WTF!

WTF!
Written By:
Jeff Hammer and Kelley Qualls
Contact: Third Draft

Anthony Vasto June 30th, 2011
Instrumental Literary Mgmt
310-729-1809
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - LOBBY - NIGHT
The beautiful buon fresco murals of George Washington should

be the first thing you notice. Instead, our focus is on a
statue of our first president covered with make-up and a wig
of heavy metal hair that would fit in on 1980s Sunset Strip.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
San Francisco, Valentine’s Day
1985. Rock n’ roll was in the air.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
A sea of STUDENTS raise LIGHTERS in worship of the religious

experience delivered by a GLAM METAL BAND on stage. Decked
out in red leather and full feminine make-up, the lead singer
commands the most attention. This is BRENT MICHAELS (18).
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Hot Cock recently appeared on the
cover of Rolling Stone’s first
annual Best of the Bay issue
highlighting local music.
Stage left, a mesmerized MOLLY (18, a bona fide Ringwald

clone with braces) watches the incendiary performance.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
The band owed their break to Brent
Michaels’s girlfriend Molly, who
was also their manager and stylist.
BRENT MICHAELS (VIA MICROPHONE)

We love you Gee Dub High! We’ll see
you on MTV!
The crowd erupts into pandemonium as Hot Cock walks off.
MOLLY
Will you look at the copious amount
tonsil hockey going on in the crowd
and ask yourself why your tongue
isn’t in my mouth?
BRENT MICHAELS
I’m all sticky and gross. Give me a
second to clean up.
Brent Michaels and Hot Cock walk past Molly, clearly puzzled.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
A second turned into ten minutes,
so Molly went to investigate.
2.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT
Converted to dressing room with make-up tables. Molly walks

in to find Brent Michaels sucking face with the BASS PLAYER.
Caught red-handed, Brent stares at Molly, mouth-agape. She

shakes her head and runs out.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
DAVE DIETRICH (18, AV nerd completely at home in the Dungeons

and Dragons universe) disconnects the sound equipment. He
carries Brent Michaels’s guitar and microphone offstage as...
Molly runs from the disaster of her young life. She collides
with Dave, and the impact sends him stumbling into the drum
set. The cymbals CRASH onto his head and knock him out cold.
DISSOLVE TO:
DAVE’S POV: As the blurriness clears, the first thing he sees

is BRACES coming into focus. Then MOLLY’S FACE.
DAVE
I didn’t know angels wore braces.
Bullseye. Molly melts.
EXT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - DAY
Sitting atop a prime plot in San Francisco’s Presidio, Dave

and Molly enjoy an amazing view of the Golden Gate Bridge
while lounging in chairs made out of POPSICLE STICKS.
DAVE
With all the variables aligned
against us twenty-nine hours and...
(checks his watch)
...eleven minutes prior to this
moment, there’s no logical reason
why we’re sitting here.
MOLLY
There’s also nothing logical about
what we’re sitting on, but I have
to say the company and the chair
are both totally radical.
DAVE
Proving my point exactly.
Dave pulls a MOOD RING from his pockets and puts it on her.
3.
DAVE (CONT’D)
Q.E.D. I propose our motto should
be to make our worst days our best.
A TEAR falls on to her mood ring. It turns BRIGHT RED.
MOLLY
I wish I could be this happy for
the rest of my life.
Her ring FLASHES.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - BAKER BEACH - DAY
DAVE and MOLLY (now an attractive couple in their 20s) kiss

for a wedding photo with the Golden Gate Bridge behind them.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Her wish came true. But instead of
fame and fortune, they settled for
true love and orthodontics.
INSERT Dave’s POV shot of Molly’s braces.
EXT. DIETRICH HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY
Dave and Molly lounge in the popsicle stick chairs behind a

two-story spread with a big back yard in the Presidio.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Our love birds found a nest, and
before long, started filling it up.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Dave beams as Molly holds a tiny BABY GIRL in a room filled

with Valentine’s Day decorations.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Taylor was a V-Day baby. Before she
could crawl I was on my way.
DISSOLVE TO:
Dave rocks TODDLER TAYLOR in his arms. He grins ear to ear as

Molly holds a NEW BABY GIRL, this one built like a tank.
MOLLY
(short of breath)
Look at my little Chubba.
4.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
My birthday was the day that put
their motto to the ultimate test.
Molly’s medical equipment BEEPS wildly. DOCTORS rush in as a

NURSE guides Dave and Taylor to the HALLWAY, where he
helplessly watches the Doctors work to revive Molly.
Then, one long, steady BEEP. Dave’s face says it all.
EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY
Dave walks outside with his girls, his face frozen with fear.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
But my Dad still says I made his
worst day one of his best.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DIETRICH HOUSE - DAY
Insert: Guns N’ Roses “Sweet Child of Mine.”
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Since then, we’ve managed to adjust
pretty well as a family.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - CHUBBA’S ROOM - DAY
Album covers line the walls with a history of rock from The
Rolling Stones to GNR to Nirvana.
Title card: 16 years later
CHUBBA (16, alternateen, pixie hair, in tank top & flannel

PJs), stretches her arm as far as she can for her cell phone.
Too far. She grabs a handy drumstick and TURNS OFF the song
with a perfectly placed tap.
She rolls out of bed, grabs a WHITE STRIPES T-SHIRT from a

heaping laundry basket, sniffs the shirt, sniffs her pits,
shrugs, and throws the shirt over her shoulder.
She puts her mother’s MOOD RING on a chain around her neck
and flashes gang signs to herself IN FRONT OF HER MIRROR.
CHUBBA
Why are you so thug life?
5.
She eyes her reflection and rotates her shoulders every which
way, with no discernible effect on her cleavage. She frowns.
CHUBBA (CONT’D)
Definitely not jug life.
Defeated, she pulls the baggy shirt over her non-existent

chest and settles into the well worn seat of her drum kit.
She picks up her sticks, and damn, this chick has got serious
rhythm. Her DRUM JAM is followed seconds later by POUNDING.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - TAYLOR’S ROOM - DAY
Designer clothes litter the floor of a shrine to the Twilight

universe. A LUMP under a mound of covers twitches, and a fist
shoots out to assault the shared wall - POUND POUND POUND.
TAYLOR (THROUGH THE COVERS)

CHUBBA!
The lump throws back the covers to reveal TAYLOR (17, prom
queen with crazy morning hair and hot pink negligee).
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - CHUBBA’S ROOM - DAY
Chubba pounds a killer beat as Taylor whips open the door.
TAYLOR
I’m going to murder you!
CHUBBA
Not my fault you hit snooze ten
times before actually getting up.
Taylor rips the drumsticks out of Chubba’s hands.
TAYLOR
You can have these back next year
when I’m in college.
CHUBBA
Won’t college interfere with your
plan to be on the cover of Vogue
before you’re twenty?
TAYLOR
Whatevs, next year when I’m gone.
Taylor turns to leave. At which point, Chubba rolls her eyes

and grabs spare drum sticks. She pounds away.
6.
Taylor whips around again. This time she slips on a stray T-

shirt and falls on her ass.
CHUBBA
(stifling a laugh)
Are you okay?
TAYLOR
Are you laughing at my pain?
Chubba can’t contain herself. Now it’s a full belly laugh.
TAYLOR (CONT’D)
I don’t know how or when, but you
will pay. Massively.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY
Chubba enters to find DAVE (40s, hair now graying) sorting

through his toolbox with an eye on a detailed diagram. Lying
next to him is a car ENGINE on the garage floor.
CHUBBA
Please tell me that engine did not
come out of the Bug.
DAVE
Indeed it did. Just a few minor
modifications, and it will mark yet
another monumental day in the house
of Dietrich.
Dave breaks into an 80s robot dance.
CHUBBA
Oh God, stop! It’s bad enough that
you killed our car, but now you’re
taking years of my life away making
me witness that.
DAVE
Sacrifices are necessary for all
great leaps of knowledge. You and
Taylor are free to use my car.
CHUBBA
Large Marge? I’d rather die.
Chubba points to a VOLVO sportswagon - nothing sexy about it.

7.
DAVE
Number one, that remarkable
specimen of engineering was voted
best in Safety and Style in
Consumer Reports. And number two,
aren’t you the least bit curious to
know how much your life is going to
change?
CHUBBA
All I ask is that you don’t maim
yourself or make me any more of a
social leper than I already am.
DAVE
Social lepers invent things the
popular people realize are cool
after the fact, so consider
yourself marked for greatness.
CHUBBA
How is it possible that we share
the same DNA?
DAVE
It’s quite simple, really. When
DNA’s double helix structure is
split in half by helicase -
CHUBBA
Forget it. I don’t want to know.
Chubba tosses her backpack into Large Marge and heads inside.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Taylor primps at the table with a hand mirror, decked out as
if she’s going to a photo shoot.
BUZZ - her cell phone vibrates from a new text message:
WTF up wit da $?
Her thumbs move at supersonic speed as she texts her reply:
about 2 talk 2 my ATM
Chubba enters and immediately responds to Taylor’s outfit.
CHUBBA
Look at you, sexy mama. Ow!
8.
TAYLOR
I might say the same for you if the
bulldyke look was in. Where’s Dad?
Dave walks in with his rolled-up diagram, giddy like a kid

about to open Christmas presents.
DAVE
You two have no idea how close you
are to having your minds completely
blown. I’m excited just thinking
about how excited you’ll be.
Dave washes his greasy hands in the sink.
TAYLOR
Daddy, can I have some money for a
field trip?
CHUBBA
Field trip?
Taylor shoots Chubba daggers, and Chubba backs down.
DAVE
Take what you need.
The WALLET lies on the kitchen table. Taylor takes $100.
TAYLOR
(hands Dave a folded note)
Thanks, Daddy! Can you sign my
permission slip?
Dave dries his hands and scribbles his signature without

reading the note.
TAYLOR (CONT’D)
(kisses him)
Love you, Daddy.
Taylor swipes up the note and heads to the garage, texting:
dunzo. c u @ school
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY
Taylor continues texting as the garage door slowly opens,

oblivious to the auto carnage surrounding her.
When she looks up, she’s greeted to the sight of A VW Bug

with its hood popped up to reveal its missing engine.
9.
TAYLOR
DAD!!!!!!!!
EXT. DIETRICH HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS
A SMART CAR pulls into the driveway as Taylor processes the

disembowelment of her car. LESLIE (30s, in scrubs, pretty
girl next door who became a dental hygienist) steps out.
LESLIE
Hey Taylor.
Taylor barely acknowledges Leslie with a twitch before

storming back into the house and slamming the door.
LESLIE (CONT’D)
Slight twitch of acknowledgement.
That’s progress.
Dave walks outside ahead of Taylor and Chubba.
TAYLOR
You can’t just mangle people’s
personal property like this. Dad?
Are you even listening to me?
Clearly he’s not because he fixates on Leslie as she gazes

back. They both blush and break eye contact. Too cute!!!
Taylor grabs Chubba’s arm before she can pass.
TAYLOR
What the Fashion Train-wreck is
Leslie doing here macking on Dad?
CHUBBA
Macking? I wish. What woman would
be interested in a man with dozen
journals filled with his thoughts
on Battlestar Galactica. She’s just
giving him a ride to work since
he’s giving us Large Marge.
TAYLOR
Uneffinbelievable.
I/E. LARGE MARGE - DAY
Taylor drives while searching through Teeny Bopper RADIO that

makes Chubba cringe.
10.
CHUBBA
Please tell me my flesh and blood
has better taste than Taylor Swift.
TAYLOR
You wish you were half the musical
icon she is. She’s a Triple Threat -
CHUBBA
- to my ears. Switch it yesterday.
TAYLOR
Fine.
Taylor turns the dial to a White Stripes SONG.
CHUBBA
(cranks the volume)
Turn this shee-ite up.
(drums on the dashboard)
They’re doing a special reunion
show at the Fillmore tonight. God,
I wish I could go. I’d actually
have a cool night out for once.
TAYLOR
Wait, who is this?
CHUBBA
(points to her shirt)
The White Stripes.
TAYLOR
Oh my God, total fate moment! This
is who we’re going to see tonight!
CHUBBA
You got tickets? You’re the world’s
best sister!
TAYLOR
Um, yeah, hold that thought.
Just then, Taylor pulls up in front of George Washington

High. On the outside of the car, someone POUNDS on the door.
TAYLOR (CONT’D)
Okay, out. Mercedes and I have to
go get the tix.
Chubba opens the door to find MERCEDES (17, cosmopolitan

chica) edging her out of the car.
11.
MERCEDES
(to Taylor)
Your outfit is too cute to dispute!
TAYLOR
Thanks. You’re some fine-looking
jail bait yourself.
MERCEDES
(to Chubba)
You look like the chick from Boys
Don’t Cry.
(to Taylor)
Where’s your Bug?
TAYLOR
My dad went mental again.
(to Chubba)
What part of ‘out’ was confusing?
CHUBBA
I’ve got the drum audition for Loco
this afternoon. Do you think I can
do that and get home in time to go
with you? Or should I meet you at
the Fillmore?
MERCEDES
(snort giggles)
She thinks -
Taylor elbows Mercedes, who shuts up on cue.
TAYLOR
Let’s talk deets later.
(digs in her purse and
pulls out Dave’s note)
Now, be a doll, and take this to
the office. Kay? Buh bye.
Mercedes pulls the door closed, and Large Marge zooms away.
EXT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - DAY - CONTINUOUS
The morning bell RINGS, and Chubba turns around to see a

stream of STUDENTS moving inside. She follows the flow.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - LOBBY - DAY
Zigzagging STUDENTS zip by like freeway traffic.

12.
Chubba stands just outside the madness, mesmerized by a

SEEKING DRUMMER poster for LOCO’s audition with a righteous
photo featuring IAN, (17, bronze-skinned Latino sculpted in
heaven), DEREK and ERIC (two testosterone-fueled teens).
She looks from the poster to: DEREK and ERIC (speak of the
devil) wrestling each other on the other side of the traffic.
CHUBBA
Excuse me. Merging.
She makes a couple false starts before diving in. She bobs
and weaves around several near collisions and reaches the
guys just as Eric pins Derek on his back.
ERIC
(on top of Derek)
You’re so gay, you’re begging me to
kiss you in front of everyone.
CHUBBA
Hey, uh, you guys are in Loco,
right? I’m auditioning for you
after school.
DEREK
(from his back)
The only fag here is the one trying
to get a close-up of my poop slot.
Derek kicks out of the pin and knocks Eric into Chubba. She
stumbles into traffic on a collision course with:
The ASIAN TRAIN, a pack of highly motivated Asian American

students spanning four wide and three deep. They consume half
the hallway, moving as if pursued by a pack of lions.
Chubba stands like a deer in headlights.
IAN (from the poster, guitar on his back) looks to escape his
conversation with FAITH (17, Lindsay Lohan pre-rehab).
FAITH
Your music is so primal. It just
makes me want to take off my
panties and dance. You know, if I
were wearing any panties.
Ian sees Chubba’s impending accident.
IAN
Thanks, but I gotta - DUDE, MOVE!
13.
Ian darts in front of the Asian Train to push Chubba into a

slower stream of Students. They walk together, leaving Chubba
star-struck. Cue harp and eyes of love.
IAN (CONT’D)
You were almost another Asian Train
casualty. Are you okay?
CHUBBA
Yeah, guess they didn’t see me.
Kinda used to it.
Ian stares at her chest. Chubba notes, much to her chagrin,

he’s checking out her T-shirt and NOT her breasts.
IAN
I’m seeing them tonight. You going?
CHUBBA
Oh, totally. Meg White is like my
idol, a chick who really knows how
to use a stick. Wait, I mean -
IAN
I know what you mean, but I think
Meg holds Jack back. I don’t know
if any girl could keep up with him.
(spots sticks in her bag)
Which is exactly the opposite thing
to say to you. I’m an asshole.
CHUBBA
I was going to go with unobservant.
(arriving at the OFFICE)
This is my stop. Thanks again.
IAN
Right on. Next time we talk, I
promise to tone down the machismo.
Ian smiles and continues down the hall, leaving Chubba alone
to enjoy the memory of bantering with her heart-throb.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Ian Hernandez just said there would
be a next time. Is this real life?
Faith turns the corner, having spied on Chubba and Ian’s

interaction. When Eric passes by her, she grabs him.
FAITH
What’s Ian’s deal? I’m hot, right?
14.
ERIC
Your ankles pretzeled behind your
head is the go-to in my spank bank.
FAITH
Cool.
Her tongue is in his mouth before he knows what’s happening.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - OFFICE - DAY
MS. LEECH (40s, flat bangs and clothes that were frumpy
thirty years ago) sits at a desk cluttered with Biblical
references and a framed picture of FAITH (13, brace-faced).
Chubba walks in and tosses Taylor’s note at the desk.
CHUBBA
Ms. Leech, incoming.
MS. LEECH
Wait right there, young man.
CHUBBA
I’m Colleen Dietrich. You gave me a
lecture last week on how my
alternative hair-style was
disrespectful to God’s teachings.
MS. LEECH
Obviously, you took nothing from
that nugget of wisdom.
(reads the note)
Please excuse Taylor Dietrich from
class this morning. She’s feeding
homeless people at a soup kitchen.
(folding up the note)
The Taylor Dietrich I know wouldn’t
lift a finger to help the poor even
if Jesus himself asked her.
CHUBBA
Are you calling her a liar?
MS. LEECH
Jesus teaches not to judge, but we
all must face the Lord on judgment
day, and your sister should prepare
for hot temperatures and the smell
of sulfur.
15.
CHUBBA
You’ve already prepared us for that
with your breath.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY
The office door swings open, and Faith pushes a confused Eric
away. She straightens her hair as Leech guides Chubba out.
MS. LEECH
(hands her detention slip)
Unless you want another detention,
I suggest you get to class.
Chubba holds her tongue and retreats from battle.
Ms. Leech spots Faith across the hall, now put back together.
MS. LEECH
Jesus loves you, sweetheart.
FAITH
He protects and guides me, Mother.
Ms. Leech re-enters the office. As soon as the door closes,

Faith turns back to Eric.
FAITH (CONT’D)
Meet me in the janitor’s closet in
five minutes.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Even if there was a clue that today
would change my life, I don’t know
if I would have noticed. I had
other things on my mind.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - ENGLISH CLASSROOM - DAY
Chubba daydreams as a homely ENGLISH TEACHER marks accents

above the syllables of a sentence on a dry erase board.
ENGLISH TEACHER
Ian Ian Ian iambic pentameter Ian
Ian Ian.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - MATH CLASSROOM - DAY
A balding MATH TEACHER points to a right triangle.

16.
GEOMETRY TEACHER
Ian Ian Ian Pythagorean theorem Ian
Ian Ian.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - HEALTH CLASSROOM - DAY
Chubba watches her track-suited HEALTH TEACHER take apart a

model of the female reproductive system.
HEALTH TEACHER
Ian Ian Ian Fallopian Tube
muthaeffin Ian.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY
Cultural diversity molded into recognizable cliques

segregated by lunch table: Artists, Burnouts, Fake Gangstas,
Real Gangstas, Goths, Hippies, Jocks, Preps, Fake Rastas,
Real Rastas, Skaters, Theater Groupies - Gee Dub has it all.
Chubba scans lunch tables and spots Taylor and Mercedes at

the far end of the cafeteria passing out tickets. She dodges
FLYING FOOD on her walk over to them.
CHUBBA
I got a detention for you. Balance
due, one ticket.
TAYLOR
(hands out the last one)
Ugh, we only had money for those
who paid up front. And until this
morning, I had no idea you were
interested in going.
CHUBBA
I’m wearing their friggin’ T-shirt.
You didn’t even know their song!
TAYLOR
I know how hot the fans will be.
MERCEDES
Giddy up, girlfriend.
CHUBBA
You two are musical retards. You
don’t even deserve to see them.
TAYLOR
Stop being a whiny bitch and deal.
17.
CHUBBA
Don’t call me a bitch, bitch.
TAYLOR
Fine, slut.
CHUBBA
Whore.
MERCEDES
Speaking of whores.
They turn their attention to Faith, who is now on the move

toward them. She arrives at the table.
FAITH
Who has the tickets?
TAYLOR
I do. You want one?
CHUBBA
You just said you didn’t have any.
FAITH
How much?
TAYLOR
A hundred bones.
FAITH
As if. I know for a fact you sold
one to Ian for fifty.
TAYLOR
For you, there’s a fifty dollar
skank surcharge.
MERCEDES
Burn!
Faith taps keys on her cell phone and holds it up to Taylor.

ON FAITH’S PHONE - a video of Taylor running out of Gee Dub.
FAITH (CONT’D)
I sext with a cop who has access to
traffic cams. I have lots more
videos of you ditching school, so
how about we renegotiate the price?
Free sounds about right to me.
TAYLOR
I don’t think so.
18.
Taylor taps keys on her cell phone and tilts her screen to
Faith, whose face drains of color. We don’t see the video,
but we can hear it.
FAITH’S VOICE (VIA CELL PHONE)

You didn’t tell me you were hung
like an elephant.
TAYLOR
I have over fifteen hundred
Facebook friends, and I’ll make
sure every one of them sees this.
It’s a Western-style stand off. Only instead of guns, these

girls hold their phones. Who will flinch first?
Faith is about to pounce when Ms. Leech enters, unleashing

her evil glare on the student body.
Her maternal radar kicking in, Faith backs away from Taylor
and puts on her angelic face.
Ms. Leech spots her Faith, and they share a mother-daughter

smile of mutual pride before she walks out a second ahead a
HAIL OF FOOD AND SPITBALLS.
As soon as Ms. Leech is gone, Faith’s fangs are back.
FAITH
You know what? Take your butch
sister. See if I care. I’ll just
sweet talk the door man and score a
couple back stage passes out of it.
Ian will be so impressed.
CHUBBA
I’m sure he’ll be impressed while
you’re going down on the door man.
MERCEDES
Double burn!
CHUBBA
From what I hear, Ian’s the only
guy in Loco who hasn’t played your
slot machine, so that should really
encourage him to swim in your STDs.
FAITH
Aww, it’s so cute how you keep up
with my exploits since no guy wants
to have his own with you.
(to Taylor)
(MORE)
19.
FAITH (cont'd)
I’ll remember this, bitch. A time
will come when you’ll regret it.
TAYLOR
Not in this lifetime.
Faith walks off in a huff.
CHUBBA
So...can I have her ticket?
TAYLOR
I already told you. There aren’t
any extra. It’s just way more fun
to screw with that turboslut than
to tell her straight up.
MERCEDES
Hells bells to that.
Taylor and Mercedes high five and walk in the other

direction, leaving Chubba standing by herself.
A second later, FLYING PASTA hits Chubba in the head.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Yup, nothing out of the ordinary to
suggest today would change my life.
The bell RINGS as we -
CUT TO:

The final Bell RINGS, and STUDENTS pour outside.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY
Chubba strolls into detention with a room full of MISFITS.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
My plan was simple. Let Ian see
some mass suckitude and then blow
him away with my awesomeness once I
got out of detention.
Chubba pauses outside the Auditorium. BAD DRUM MUSIC spills

out of the doors as an AUDITION REJECT leaves.
20.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
He’d realize I was the missing link
for the band, and together we’d
make platinum albums and babies for
the rest of our lives.
Chubba tugs her chain and kisses her MOOD RING for good luck.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - AUDITORIUM - DAY
Chubba sneaks into the back to watch as Ian shreds his guitar
on stage. Derek (rhythm guitar) and Eric (bass) are in sync,
but a PREPPY DRUMMER struggles to keep the beat.
Watching intently from the front row, OMG!!!, it’s BRENT

MICHAELS (now 40s, wearing khakis and a sweater vest, but
still rocking the flowing locks of hair).
BRENT MICHAELS
Alright, that’s enough. Thank you.
PREPPY DRUMMER
How’d I do?
BRENT MICHAELS
We’ll let you know.
Preppy Drummer slouches off stage, dejected.
IAN
Who’s next?
BRENT MICHAELS
He’s the last one. I guess we go to
Craigslist.
Chubba jumps up and runs down the aisle.
CHUBBA
No, wait!
Chubba steps on stage and plops down behind the drum set.
IAN
I was wondering if you’d show up.
CHUBBA
I was busy challenging authority.
BRENT MICHAELS
Then let’s see what you got.
Chubba launches into a blitzkrieg on the drums.

21.
Ian and Brent Michaels share a look that confirms what the
other is thinking. HFS!!! She’s a rock star.
Chubba settles into a steady rhythm, and Ian bobs his head in
time. He adds a RIFF that perfectly melds with her BEAT.
Derek and Eric play their instruments, and before long the
auditorium is filled with glorious, ear-splitting ROCK.
Brent Michaels headbangs and throws up the Sign of the Horns.
BRENT MICHAELS
I wanna rock!
In the BACK ROW, Faith pops up from the floor. The Preppy
Drummer pops up a second later, his hair a mess.
FAITH
Her again?
Ian and Chubba follow each other’s moves, making eye contact
and reading the other’s cues. Ian rips a final chord, and
Chubba ends with a CYMBAL clang.
IAN
You’re sick.
BRENT MICHAELS
Yes, yes, and yes! What’s your
name, Goddess of rock?
CHUBBA
Colleen Dietrich.
BRENT MICHAELS
(under his breath)
Molly’s girl is a rock star.
Faith slow claps down the aisle.
FAITH
Oh my God, it would be like so
progressive to have a lesbian
drummer. You could play Outfest!
BRENT MICHAELS
Outfest! Great idea.
DEREK
Aren’t boxchowers supposed to be
way hotter?
ERIC
Why can’t life be more like porn?
22.
IAN
(to Chubba)
If you play drums like that, I
don’t care which team you play for.
CHUBBA
But I don’t play for that team.
FAITH
(whispers to Ian)
I would make a hot lesbian.
Brent Michaels puts a hand on Chubba’s arm.
BRENT MICHAELS
Trust me, honey. It gets easier to
accept the older you get.
CHUBBA
I’m not - for God’s sake, I want to
have Ian’s babies!
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Soooo not what I planned.
This news shocks Ian. Faith takes this moment to shove her
tongue down his unsuspecting throat.
DEREK
So she’s bi?
ERIC
Nice. Real nice.
Mortified, Chubba stares at Faith accosting Ian. Unable to

deal with the humiliation, she turns and runs out.
Chubba runs home. The garage door opens as she arrives, and
Dave walks out amidst a thick plume of smoke.
DAVE
Perfect timing.
He covers Chubba’s eyes and leads her into the GARAGE.
Dave uncovers Chubba’s eyes, and she beholds a BICYCLE WITH A

MOTOR welded onto its frame.
CHUBBA
So you killed my car and then
mangled my bike.
23.
DAVE
To the contrary, I improved it. The
purpose of a bicycle is to provide
a means of personal transportation.
Now you can travel up to forty
miles an hour, although I suggest
not to test maximum velocity until
I work out all the kinks. But once
I do, I’m going to make two more. I
figured we could take Sunday drives
as a family or perhaps even cruise
Fisherman’s Wharf on a Friday night
if we want to get really wild. The
possibilities are endless. What do
you think?
CHUBBA
I hate my life!
Chubba makes a mad dash out of the garage.
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
Chubba runs through rows of tombstones, finally collapsing in

front of one: MOLLY ELIZABETH DIETRICH.
CHUBBA
Mom, it was so embarrassing. There
I was, a nobody who finally
convinced the bossest guy in San
Francisco that I was a Goddess of
Rock. Then this oxygen-stealing
gutterwhore comes in and makes them
think I’m a sexually confused
psycho. The only solution is to
transfer to another planet.
Chubba leans on the grave as if it were her mom’s shoulder.
CHUBBA (CONT’D)
If you were only here, you’d know
how fix it. I just know it.
As she wipes a tear, her necklace falls out of her shirt. The
attached mood ring taps the tombstone with a slight TING.
Chubba takes the ring up in her hand. An idea. She tries it

on her finger, just to feel like a girl for once. Sniffles.
A TEAR drops onto her ring, turning it BRIGHT RED.

24.
CHUBBA (CONT’D)
I just wish Ian and I could jam
together like we were before my
declaration of stalker-hood.
The mood ring FLASHES.
CHUBBA (CONT’D)
I wish I could be in the band.
Another FLASH as she dabs her eyes dry.
CHUBBA (CONT’D)
And I really wish I didn’t have to
walk all the way back home.
FLASH. Chubba spots it this time and holds her hand out,
confused. Just as the ring’s redness fades away -
HONK. A Ford Focus pulls up on a nearby path. The window

rolls down, revealing Ian behind the wheel.
CHUBBA
What the Focus?
IAN
Hey Colleen, I was just looking for
you. If you’re cool with it, I was
hoping you’d let me teach you some
of Loco’s songs tonight.
CHUBBA
Cool? Uh, definitely. But why?
IAN
If you’re going to be our new
drummer, don’t you think it’s a
good idea to know our music?
CHUBBA
Wait, I’m in the band?
IAN
Hell yeah. You blew everyone’s
mind. Do you need a ride?
CHUBBA
Yeah! But aren’t you going to the
concert?
IAN
I’d rather jam with you. Then maybe
it will be us playing the Fillmore.
25.
CHUBBA
Just give me a second.
Chubba turns to the tombstone, then looks at her ring.
CHUBBA
(whispers to the ring)
I wish for a million dollars!
Chubba opens her arms to embrace money raining from the

skies, but nothing falls.
Chubba looks down at her ring, noting how ordinary it now

looks. All traces of redness are gone.
INT. IAN’S CAR - DAY
Chubba rides shotgun in the Ford Focus, still on cloud nine.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I convinced myself it had to be one
of those ran-domino things that
happen because otherwise that meant
I believed in magic. And the only
teenagers who believe in magic
spend their entire lives playing
World of Warcraft.
The Focus pulls into the driveway. Ian jumps out and opens
the door for Chubba. Rock Star AND Gentleman? Swoon.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
The more I thought about it,
though, the more I realized no way
this mofo is a coincidence.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - CHUBBA’S BEDROOM - DAY
Chubba and Ian JAM away and finish a song with a frenzy.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
But what did I care? I was rocking
out next to a total babe.
IAN
You keep making me look like a
douchebag for what I said today.
26.
CHUBBA
I’ll forgive you on one condition.
IAN
What’s that?
CHUBBA
How well you play this song.
Chubba provides the beat, and Ian nods his head in approval.
IAN
That’s tight.
Ian plays the funky rhythm of Sublime’s “40 Oz. To Freedom.”
CHUBBA & IAN

You’ve got your hair permed/You got
your red dress on/Screamin’ that
second gear was such a turn on/And
the fog forming on my window tells
me that the morning’s here and
you’ll be gone before too long/Who
taught you those new tricks?/Damn,
I shouldn’t start that talk/But
life is one big question when
you’re staring at the clock/And the
answer’s always waiting at the
liquor store/Forty ounces to
freedom so I take that walk/And I
know that ohhh, I’m not goin’
back/Ohhh, not going back/Ohhh, God
knows I’m not going back/Not goin’ -
JUMP CUT TO:

It’s NIGHT now. Still JAMMING until Chubba breaks a
drumstick, and Ian stops playing to dodge the splinter of
wood flying at him.
IAN
Do you have another one?
Chubba peers at more remnants of drumsticks on the floor.
CHUBBA
That’s a negative, but I can rock
it Def Leppard style.
IAN
Damn, girl, where have you been
hiding all this time?
27.
CHUBBA
Look around.
(points to several rock
POSTERS in her room)
When I’m not being ignored or
called a lesbian, I’m pounding
beats in here.
IAN
That’s so rock n’ roll.
CHUBBA
I guess. Rock is full of outcasts,
but it would be nice if people
liked me. Or even acknowledged me.
IAN
All those fools can get bent. You
have something they’ll never
understand. You feel the groove.
When did you first feel it?
CHUBBA
I owe my existence to a drum set.
CUT TO:
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - GYMNASIUM - FLASHBACK
Molly runs from the disaster of her young life. She collides
with Dave, and the impact sends him stumbling into the drum
set. The cymbals CRASH onto his head and knock him out cold.
CUT TO:
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - CHUBBA’S BEDROOM - BACK TO PRESENT
CHUBBA
My mom was the raddest chick in
school, and my dad, well, he was a
renowned Dungeon Master in the Bay.
IAN
That’s awesome. Drums are literally
part of your genes.
CHUBBA
I must have gotten all of those
genes because Taylor -
(a light bulb clicks)
Wait here.
28.
Chubba vaults from her drum set and runs out of the room.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - TAYLOR’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Chubba rummages through piles of clothes. Underneath Taylor’s

negligee are the drumsticks she took this morning.
CHUBBA
Score.
EXT. DIETRICH HOUSE - NIGHT
A beater of a car pulls into the driveway, greeted by a DRUM

BEAT from upstairs and POWER TOOLS from the garage.
Taylor gets out and waves good night to Mercedes.
TAYLOR
Let’s do this shiznit again soon.
MERCEDES
Fo sho, chica.
Taylor runs to her front door. She unlocks it, then freezes
when the sound of a GUITAR joins in. WTF?
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - NIGHT
She walks UPSTAIRS, thoroughly confused. She pushes open the

door to CHUBBA’S BEDROOM, totally flabbergasted at the sight.
Chubba pounds an aggressive BEAT, and Ian matches her

intensity on guitar. It’s “Rock & Roll” from Led Zeppelin,
and the walls shake from the sound waves.
IAN
Seems so long since we walked in
the moonlight/Making vows that just
can’t work right/Open your arms,
open your arms, open your
arms/Baby, let my love come
running/It’s been a long time, been
a long time -
CHUBBA & IAN

Been a long lonely, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely time
Chubba kills Bonzo’s drum explosion that finishes the song.

29.
IAN
Yeah!
Dave joins Taylor in Chubba’s doorway. She’s still in shock.
DAVE
Now that’s rock n’ roll.
Dave’s approval creeps Taylor out even more.
DAVE
(to Chubba & Ian)
You two really have something. I
haven’t felt this much energy since
I experienced Hot Cock in the 80s.
(off Chubba & Taylor’s
horrified looks)
It was with your mother.
TAYLOR
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FAMILY?!?!?!
CHUBBA
You’re looking at Loco’s new
drummer.
IAN
Taylor, why didn’t you tell me your
sister was such a sick drummer?
TAYLOR
Who, Chubba?
CHUBBA
(to Taylor: you bitch)
Colleen.
DAVE
Come on, everyone calls you Chubba.
We have since you were born.
CHUBBA
Dad, this is when you stop talking.
DAVE
(to Ian)
I’m Chubba’s father. Who are you?
IAN
Ian. Great to meet you, sir.
DAVE
You play a pretty mean guitar, Ian,
but your amplifier is a little off.
30.
Without asking permission, Dave disconnects Ian’s amp and

begins to monkey around with it.
CHUBBA
(off Ian’s confused look)
That’s how he rolls, but trust me.
It’ll be an improvement.
DAVE
(makes a final adjustment)
Play a chord now.
Ian complies with a crisper CHORD.
IAN
That’s awesome. Thanks.
DAVE
Don’t mention it. Unfortunately,
you’ll have to wait for another
night to give it a thorough
examination. It’s a school night.
IAN
Thanks for letting us jam here.
DAVE
Anytime.
IAN
(to Chubba)
We’ve got practice after school.
CHUBBA
I’ll be there.
Ian zips up his guitar case. Dave grabs the amp.
IAN
And for what it’s worth, I think
Chubba is a cool nickname. It shows
you don’t care what people think.
That’s what rock is all about.
Ian pounds fists with Chubba, and he walks out with Dave.
TAYLOR
Someone explain to me when the
world changed and how I could have
possibly missed it.
DISSOLVE TO:
It’s MORNING. Chubba lies in bed, still glowing.

31.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I still didn’t know how I managed
to have the bombest day of my life.
INT. LARGE MARGE - TRAVELING - DAY
Chubba gazes out the window in a daydream. Taylor eyes her

suspiciously from the driver’s seat.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
But I knew Taylor was on to me from
the start, so I needed to figure
out how my wishes came true before
she could bring back the natural
order of the universe.
Taylor zeroes in on the MOOD RING, which Chubba still wears.
TAYLOR
Why did you take Mom’s mood ring
off your necklace?
CHUBBA
No reason.
Chubba puts her hand in her pocket to hide the ring.
Chubba and Taylor walk inside, and they are visually

assaulted by LOCO POSTERS plastered all over the walls.
MS. LEECH (VIA INTERCOM)

Colleen Dietrich, please report to
Mr. Michaels’s classroom.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - BRENT MICHAELS’ CLASSROOM - DAY
A sanctuary of hair, make-up, and rock. The room bleeds with

paraphernalia of Motley Crüe, Poison, Twisted Sister, and
other giants of 1980s hair metal.
Chubba knocks and enters when no one responds. She finds

Brent Michaels praying to a shrine of Judas Priest.
CHUBBA
Mr. Michaels?
Brent Michaels turns around, wearing full glam rock make-up.

32.
BRENT MICHAELS
(hand over his heart)
My heart hasn’t pounded like this
since Nirvana destroyed everything
that was beautiful about rock n’
roll. It’s because of you.
CHUBBA
I think Nirvana is dope.
BRENT MICHAELS
Nirvana made it okay for rock stars
to be fashion embarrassments. For
that alone, they can’t be forgiven.
Brent Michaels guides Chubba to his desk.
He unlocks a drawer and produces the first Best of the Bay

Rolling Stone featuring a glammed up Hot Cock on the cover.
CHUBBA
Is that you?
BRENT MICHAELS
It is, but more importantly, I
think that can be you. Based on
what you showed me, I think Loco
will make the cover of Rolling
Stone before you can vote.
CHUBBA
That would be amazing. We don’t
have to wear that make-up, right?
BRENT MICHAELS
No, but let’s get something
straight right now. You will be
wearing some make-up. You’ve got
too pretty a face to hide it behind
all that ambivalence. Your mom
would agree with me.
CHUBBA
You knew my mom?
BRENT MICHAELS
She changed my life, which is
exactly what I plan to do for you.
For Best of the Bay‘s twenty-fifth
anniversary, this year’s winner
gets a recording contract and all-
expenses paid video aired on MTV.
33.
CHUBBA
No way!
BRENT MICHAELS
Way, and you’re going to win it.
I’ve got plans for you, honey, so
get ready to rock.
Brent Michaels and Chubba lock rock horns.
Chubba exits the classroom, looking like she won the lottery.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Life couldn’t get any better.
Oblivious in her bliss, Chubba fails to see The Asian Train.

They steamroll her into a locker.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY
Chubba examines her swollen eye in a mirror and presses on it

a little too hard. A TEAR wells up, and she uses her hand to
wipe it off her cheek. Upon contact, it turns BRIGHT RED.
CHUBBA
What the fuschia? I mean, I wish my
eye would heal.
FLASH. Her eye instantly heals.
CHUBBA (CONT’D)
I wish I had rad rock tattoos.
FLASH. Both arms showcase vibrant body art that would make
Tommy Lee jealous.
A toilet FLUSHES, and Faith walks out of a bathroom stall.
FAITH
What the -
CHUBBA
I wish you had no memory of what
you just saw.
FLASH. Faith blinks and shakes her head, looking as if she’ll

faint. Chubba rushes over to prevent her from falling.
34.
FAITH
I know you want to dyke out with
me, but that doesn’t give you the
right to grope me whenever you’re
feeling desperate.
CHUBBA
Suit yourself.
Chubba lets go, and Faith immediately regrets her insult.

Still dizzy, she falls to the floor.
All eyes are on Chubba as she strolls by. FOOD flies past her
in all directions, but she walks through unscathed.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Three wishes a day are the perfect
makeover for a high school career
full of neglect and humiliation.
She reaches her sister’s table where Taylor and Mercedes gawk
at her new body art.
TAYLOR
Oh. My. God.
MERCEDES
When did you get those tats?
CHUBBA
I skipped class this morning.
MERCEDES
No way in hell you got those bad
boys done today.
CHUBBA
Ask Taylor. She saw me last night.
TAYLOR
Let’s back up. How is that even
legal? There’s no way Dad would
ever give his permission for that.
CHUBBA
You’re not the only one who can con
him into signing something.
TAYLOR
He’s going to kill you.
35.
CHUBBA
It’s part of my rock image, and he
knows that any drummer who’s
anybody has these.
MERCEDES
Listen to the diarrhea spewing from
your mouth. Who other than your
daddy is going to pay attention to
what you do?
IAN (O.S.)
Chubba!
Ian approaches with IVY (16, a tiny Vietnamese girl who’s a

walking ad for Hollister).
IAN (CONT’D)
Those tats are hella sexy.
CHUBBA
Thanks, man.
Ian and Chubba pound fists, and Mercedes watches as if she’s

witnessing a bizarro miracle.
MERCEDES
(to Taylor)
Did you spike my water with acid?
TAYLOR
I know, right? Now you know what I
was experiencing last night.
IAN
Chubba, I want you to meet Ivy.
She’s part of Loco’s family.
IVY
(talking a mile a minute)
We collided in the hallway today,
so I’m super glad you’re not hurt.
Anyhow, it’s totally fab to meet
you for-real-skis now. I think it’s
going to be so much fun being your
fashion godmother.
CHUBBA
My what?
Ivy whips out an iPhone and snaps a picture of Chubba. She

taps a key that brings up a fashion app that allows her to
digitally dress the PICTURE of Chubba.
36.
IVY
If you were spending all your time
in a studio, your jeans and T-shirt
look would be no problemo. But Mr.
Michaels wants you on stage as
often as possible, so we need a
killer look to match your sound.
Ivy flashes her SCREEN to Chubba. She sees herself looking

super fly with a tank top and ripped skinny jeans.
CHUBBA
Where’d you get this app?
IVY
I designed it in computer science.
Isn’t it fun?
Ivy taps the screen, and it switches to a different, equally

flattering outfit. More taps, more amazing ensembles.
IVY (CONT’D)
My goal for you is to leave a trail
of blue balls in your wake.
TAYLOR
I think I’m gonna puke.
IAN
God, I’m so stoked. After last
night I’m positive we’re going to
blow up.
CHUBBA
You really think I’m that good?
IAN
You’re a gift from the rock gods.
Chubba can’t contain herself. She throws her arms around his
neck, and OMFG, he willingly returns the hug.
Taylor’s and Mercedes’s jaws drop wide open. The entire

cafeteria goes SILENT to catch the scene, save one student...
Derek fails to notice because he’s in silent prayer with his

eyes closed. He opens them when Faith climbs out from
underneath a lunch table to investigate the silence.
FAITH
What is it with this chick?
A BELL RINGS, and Chubba and Ian break their hug.

37.
IVY
I’ll see you guys at practice.
The Asian Train is up and running, and Ivy scampers away to

merge into her spot.
IAN
(to Chubba)
Let’s start making history tonight.
Chubba and Ian pound fists, and he’s off. Chubba turns to
Taylor and Mercedes and shrugs.
CHUBBA
What can I say? Ian thinks I’m the
baddest thug at Gee Dub, and he
wants to be my ho.
She struts away like a champion but gets cut off by Faith.
FAITH
I don’t know what kind of twisted
sexual fantasies you’re giving Ian
to make him think you’re all that,
but I can guarantee you I can give
him a whole lot better.
CHUBBA
You know, I could be pissed at you,
but if the last drummer wouldn’t
have seen Derek and Eric turn you
into a rotisserie chicken while you
were on a date, I never would have
had the chance to audition. So from
the bottom of my heart, thank you
for being such a dirty skank.
MERCEDES
Burn!
FAITH
It’s only a matter of time before
Ian gets tired of a little boy’s
body and trades up for some curves.
As Faith struts away, swinging her curves, Chubba watches

with envy. Could she be right?
Chubba sits at her drum bench as Ivy puts the finishing

touches on a make-up job.
38.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Ian liked me for who I was, but
that didn’t mean Faith wasn’t
right. He is a boy after all, and
their hormones can’t be trusted.
IVY
(snaps an iPhone pic)
Coolio. Turn to your left.
(snaps Chubba’s profile)
Coolio squared. Now right.
(snaps her other profile)
Coolio cubed.
Ivy hands Chubba a mirror, and she’s stunned by the results.
CHUBBA
Whoa, you’re a magician.
IVY
I’m just modifying light waves with
colors that trigger positive brain
responses. I can’t take credit for
neurophysics. Just like I can’t be
blamed for wanting to jump on Hot
Cock when I see their make-up.
CHUBBA
Did I hear you right?
IVY
Oh, mos def.
Ivy pulls up a Hot Cock ALBUM COVER on her iPhone,

prominently featuring Brent Michaels in his glam glory.
IVY (CONT’D)
I’ve fantasized about him since I
first listened to this album, and
I’ve been plotting the perfect
opportunity to pounce on him since.
CHUBBA
Isn’t he, uh, gay?
IVY
He’s gayer than Adam Lambert...
(gazing at the album pic)
But Ivy still tingles for Hot Cock.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Okay, maybe girls’ hormones can’t
be trusted either.
39.
Ian walks in and stops in his tracks when he sees Chubba.
IAN
Wow.
Derek and Eric follow Ian in.
DEREK
Yo girl, how about you and I go
knock some boots in the nearest
empty classroom?
ERIC
Forget that homo. I know you want
to ride my guided missile of love.
CHUBBA
Guys, it’s me. Chubba.
ERIC
(shocked)
Muffdiver?
DEREK
Loco has a lipstick lesbo. We just
got a million times cooler.
ERIC
The only gay sex you’re interested
in involves dudes gargling spunk.
Derek tackles Eric, driving him on to the floor. Ian

sidesteps them on his way to get a closer look of Chubba.
IAN
Ivy was right. Now you look as bomb
as you sound.
Brent Michael walks in with an armful of sheet music. He

drops them upon sight of Chubba and applauds.
BRENT MICHAELS
Music is my religion, and Judas is
my priest. You, my little rock
vixen, are my new priestess.
Fabulous work, Ivy.
IVY
No bigs, Mr. Michaels.
40.
BRENT MICHAELS
(taking a closer look)
Why you never wear make-up is
beyond me. You have beautiful skin
and stunning features. Doesn’t she?
IAN
Truedat.
BRENT MICHAELS
It’s all coming together. You guys
are going to be huge, so let’s make
sure we’re sharp for our debut.
(to Derek & Eric)
Stop dryhumping each other and get
ready to rock my soul.
Brent Michaels and Ivy witness the emerging greatness before

them. Loco is a well-oiled rock machine.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
The day couldn’t have played out
more perfectly. Except when I
wanted to make another wish.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - CHUBBA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Chubba lies in bed with her cell phone. The time switches
from 11:59 to 12:00.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I never was much of a crier, so
without a black eye, I needed to
find another way to produce tears.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Chubba sniffs an onion. No tears.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Chubba watches an animal cruelty PSA on TV. No tears.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - GARAGE - NIGHT
Chubba inches her foot toward a spring-loaded mouse trap.

41.
CHUBBA
Thug life, playa.
SNAP! The trap closes on her foot, and she flails her leg in
pain. But still no tears.
Chubba watches Titanic on her computer.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I finally tried an old reliable.
DISSOLVE TO:
It’s MORNING. Chubba sleeps next to her laptop.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
But I didn’t even make it to when
Jack draws Rose naked.
Taylor whips the door open.
TAYLOR
We’re leaving in fifteen minutes.
Chubba groggily gets out of bed.
TAYLOR (CONT’D)
Were you trying to cry last night?
Chubba stumbles by without answering.
Taylor sees the MOOD RING next to the Titanic case. She picks
them up, revealing a note under the DVD case labeled WISHES.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - TAYLOR’S BEDROOM - DAY
Taylor locks her door and sits in front of her mirror. She
pulls a PICTURE OF MOLLY out of a drawer and stares at it.
Her lip quivers, and tears stream down both cheeks. One drops
on the mood ring, and it turns BRIGHT RED.
TAYLOR
Cha-ching.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY
Chubba’s shower is interrupted by Taylor’s SHRIEK.

42.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
Chubba exits the bathroom as Taylor glides out of her room.
TAYLOR
You’ll never guess what happened.
Chubba spots the MOOD RING on Taylor’s finger and fumes.
Dave joins the gathering from his bedroom.
DAVE
Why are my eardrums being assaulted
at this hour?
TAYLOR
I just got off the phone with
Vogue, and they’re coming to San
Francisco because they want me to
do a photo shoot. For the cover.
DAVE
Congratulations, sweetheart. That’s
really incredible considering you
don’t have a portfolio or an agent
or work experience of any sort.
CHUBBA
Yes, it is incredible. How did they
even find you, Taylor?
TAYLOR
The same way you found a band with
a hottie to drool over you.
The DOORBELL rings. Taylor nearly squeals with excitement.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS
Taylor and Chubba land behind Dave as he opens the door to

greet TAYLOR LAUTNER, who waits with a bouquet of flowers.
LAUTNER
Good morning, sir. I was hoping
you’d allow me the privilege of
driving Taylor to school.
Taylor pushes past Dave and puts Lautner’s arm around her.
TAYLOR
Let’s take my car.
43.
CHUBBA
Our car doesn’t have an engine.
That’s when Chubba notices a PORSCHE in the driveway.
CHUBBA (CONT’D)
Of course.
The Porsche peels away with Lautner driving.
DAVE
Wow, Vogue is really efficient with
their contract bonuses.
The Porsche drives up in front of a large group of STUDENTS.

Lautner gets out. Some girls SCREAM. Some cry. Some faint.
Lautner opens the passenger-side door for Taylor. She takes

his hand and greets her peers like a queen.
Mercedes joins them, mouth agape, wearing a Team Jacob shirt

with her Juicy Couture sweats. She zips up her sweatshirt.
MERCEDES
Can’t you text your BFF a heads up
when you’re rolling with such a
prime cut of man?
(to Lautner, flirty)
Hi, how you doin’?
TAYLOR
Mercedes, having a moment here.
LAUTNER
Not yet, but we’re about to.
Lautner pulls Taylor in for a kiss. A hundred cell phone

cameras document the moment.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
The Youtube video was uploaded
within a minute, and it had over a
million hits by the end of school.
Faith, breathless, pops out of the backseat of a nearby car.
FAITH
What. The. Fangs.
44.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
But it wasn’t enough to be the envy
of every girl in the free world.
Taylor walks Lautner by Faith.
TAYLOR
That’s the school whore. Don’t get
close. You might catch something.
Taylor prances off with Lautner, and Faith fumes.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
With the paparazzi’s help, Taylor
was a household name by lunch.
CUT TO:
A series of TABLOID SPREADS
- Taylor and Lautner in the car on TMZ - Lautner’s New Love
- Taylor and Lautner kissing on Perez Hilton - Taylor Squared

Phenom
- Lautner, shirtless, carrying Taylor to school on PopEater -

Seriously, Does He Own a Shirt?
Faith shows the PICS to Ms. Leech on her cell. Leech gasps.

Chubba eats with Ian, watching the spectacle of Taylor and
shirtless Lautner.
MS. LEECH (VIA INTERCOM)

...to remind you violators of our
STRICT dress code will be escorted
off school grounds...
A sexually-conflicted SECURITY GUARD taps Lautner’s shoulder

to escort him out, breaking the hearts of FAWNING GIRLS.
LAUTNER
I’ll wait for you, Taylor Dietrich,
until your heart stops beating!
Taylor turns with vengeful eyes toward Faith, who smirks.

45.
Chubba looks out the window as a limo pulls up. Taylor, in

100% Prada Gear, gets out followed by several ASSISTANTS.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - DAY
Taylor supervises as the Assistants carry in designer

shopping bags and boxes. Dave walks by with a toolbox,
dumbfounded by the stacks of boxes reaching the ceiling.
TAYLOR
I got to keep all the clothes from
the shoot. Apparently, it’s part of
the standard Vogue contract.
DAVE
So you’re saying I no longer have
to bankroll your wardrobe. I like
what I’m hearing. I might be able
to retire before I’m eighty.
Dave heads to the Garage as Chubba races down the stairs.
CHUBBA
How could you steal from your own
sister?
TAYLOR
Chillax, chica. We both know Mom
would want us to share it.
CHUBBA
What do you mean by share?
TAYLOR
I get a day. Then you get one. Duh.
(hands the ring over)
So what crazy funky plans do you
have for tomorrow?
Chubba is a weepy mess watching the end of Titanic.
ROSE (VIA MOVIE)

I promise. I will never let go,
Jack. I’ll never let go.
Chubba touches the mood ring to her teary eyes, and it turns
BRIGHT RED. Staring in her mirror, she flexes her back and
crunches her chest together - still no discernible cleavage.
46.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - LOBBY - DAY
Chubba walks down the hall with a mix of nerves and

confidence. Her Velvet Underground T-shirt is about to rip,
skin tight on her GIANT BOOBS. She spots Ian at his locker.
CHUBBA
Ian!
IAN
(looks her in the eye)
Someone pimped out Mr. Michaels’s
room into a professional recording
studio. It’s insane!
CHUBBA
Wow, that sounds so...new.
(pumps out her chest)
Lots of new things today, huh?
IAN
New Velvet Underground shirt. Right
on. Should we hit the studio?
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Note to self, Ian’s not a boob guy.
Ian and Chubba, turning heads left and right, walk together.
Derek and Eric spot Chubba’s new twins, and their eyes pop.
They follow Chubba like a diabetic behind a candy truck.
DEREK ERIC
Double - Dee-lightful.
Faith comes out of the Men’s Room, turning her kilt around.
FAITH
What the Fake.
Loco plays in a NEW PROFESSIONAL STUDIO, separated by sound

proof glass from the regular school desks.
Chubba pounds her heart out, but her boobs keep blocking her
from keeping the proper beat.
Brent Michaels listens in the booth, concerned. He turns to

Ivy, who works the sound mixing board.
BRENT MICHAELS
Are you seeing what I’m seeing?
47.
IVY
How can you miss them? I have to
completely redesign her wardrobe to
account for her new gazongas.
BRENT MICHAELS (INTO MICROPHONE)

Colleen, can I see you for a sec?
Loco stops playing, and Chubba walks into the booth.
CHUBBA
I know, I just need more practice.
BRENT MICHAELS
No, not more practice.
CHUBBA
More -
BRENT MICHAELS
Not more, less. A lot less. Look at
what you’ve done to the band.
Chubba looks over her shoulder. Derek pelvic thrusts the air
as Eric licks the glass, both trying to catch her gaze.
CHUBBA
I’ll take care of it.
FOUR SHIRTLESS MEN carry Taylor Cleopatra-style on a throne.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Taylor and I had different needs.
She needed the world to serve her.
As Taylor passes Faith, she waves. Faith glares at her.
Chubba, back to her NORMAL CHEST, kicks a killer beat as Ian,

Ivy, and Brent Michaels watch from the booth, all smiles.
Derek and Eric also watch, crestfallen over her lack of rack.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I needed to help Loco become a
revolution. Which meant my personal
needs were on hold.
48.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - SCIENCE LAB - DAY
Ivy constructs a galvanic cell at her workbench while the

rest of the STUDENTS do anything but the experiment.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I made sure Ivy’s libido didn’t get
her or Mr. Michaels in trouble.
CALVIN (16, African American model in stylish clothes and

eyeliner) enters. He spots Ivy and struts over to her.
CALVIN
Hi, I’m Calvin. I just moved to San
Francisco. Can we be lab partners?
IVY
No offense, I prefer to work alone.
CALVIN
I promise I’ll be an asset.
Ivy looks up and sees Calvin’s swank threads.
IVY
Oooh, Ivy likes.
(gazes at his eyeliner)
Ivy double likes. Do you know why
this galvanic cell isn’t working?
Calvin places a salt bridge between the two ends of the cell,
and the voltmeter LIGHT signals a current.
IVY (CONT’D)
I’m so having Blasian children.
Brent Michaels walks to his car in the faculty parking lot.

As he unlocks the door, someone behind him taps his shoulder.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I also hooked up Mr. Michaels his
own healthy dose of inspiration.
He turns around and finds himself face to face with Judas

Priest’s singer ROB HALFORD in full S&M leather and studs.
ROB HALFORD
I hear the two of us have a lot in
common, so I was hoping you’d let
me take you to dinner tonight.
49.
Brent Michaels SCREAMS like a teenage girl.
EXT. THE FILLMORE - NIGHT
It’s a packed amphitheater as THE PIXIES rock the CROWD.

Pinned against the stage, Chubba and Ian sing along.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
And when your man is hot, and your
band needs to reach the masses, you
get him a freaking audience.
FRANK BLACK pulls Ian on stage and hands him his guitar.
Stunned, Ian looks to Chubba who cheers him on. Ian shreds a
guitar solo that floors the entire club, The Pixies included.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - GOLDEN GATE PARK - DAY
It’s a clear day in Upper Haight, and the NEIGHBORHOOD lets

its freak flags fly. Many of them CHEER the sight of Chubba
and Ian racing Dave’s HOMEMADE MOTORBIKES around the block.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
When I saw how happy my wishes made
others, I got to thinking about
other peeps who deserved some
surreal happiness in their lives.
They pass a bus with Taylor’s PHOTO on it, selling perfume.
EXT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - DUSK

Chubba (bongo drums) and Ian (acoustic guitar) rock out in
the POPSICLE STICK CHAIRS while they watch a spectacular
sunset dip into the Pacific behind the Golden Gate Bridge.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
And with Taylor on her way to
becoming a Kardashian, that only
left me to make sure those people
got what they deserved.
INT. DENTAL CLINIC - DAY
Dave examines recently fitted braces inside the mouth of a

TEEN PATIENT.
50.
DAVE
Let me ask you something just as
two regular guys talking. If you
valued someone’s opinion and this
person recommended you watch a
ground-breaking television show
which doubles as a seminal work on
political theory, albeit one set in
space, wouldn’t you feel compelled
to watch at least one episode?
Leslie stands behind Dave, ready with a tray of supplies.
LESLIE
He can’t speak, Dr. Dietrich.
DAVE
(to Patient)
Just nod yes if you agree with me.
The Patient nods yes.
LESLIE
You can’t ask someone to be
objective when he’s putting the
future of his teeth in your hands.
DAVE
Any reasonable person would have
reached the same conclusion.
LESLIE
On a reasonability scale of one to
ten, where does welding car motors
onto your daughter’s bike without
her permission fall?
DAVE
Well played, Leslie. Well played.
(to Patient)
Everything looks great. She’s going
to finish things up with you.
Leslie sneaks a glance at Dave as he walks away. Seriously,

this is effin’ adorable. When are they getting together?
EXT. DENTAL CLINIC - DAY
Chubba and Leslie share a covert pop tart behind the bushes.
LESLIE
Soooo, who’s this Ian guy?
51.
CHUBBA
He’s my lead guitarist slash lead
singer slash man candy.
LESLIE
Boyfriends, I remember those. Now
they’re either significant others
or spouses, or else people tell you
sympathetically they respect your
life choice to stay single. Makes
me miss high school. All the
excitement, the parties, the
metabolism. Being able to eat sugar
every day is worth it alone.
(to her pop tart)
It doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of you.
We hear a DOOR open. Chubba and Leslie crouch down.
DAVE (O.S.)
I can smell teeth-rotting
contraband from a mile away.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Leslie’s getting some love.
Chubba, Taylor, and Dave sit around the remnants of dinner.
CHUBBA
Dad, if you could have anything you
wanted, what would you wish for?
The question takes Dave off guard, and his eyes get misty.
DAVE
What I want I can’t have.
Chubba’s cell phone BUZZES. It’s a text from Taylor: WTF?
CHUBBA
Aside from who we all want here,
who or what would make you happy?
Taylor kicks her underneath the table.
CHUBBA (CONT’D)
Ow.
DAVE
Excuse me.
52.
Dave gets up from the table and walks to the garage. He shuts
the door, and the sound of POWER TOOLS quickly follows.
TAYLOR
Involving yourself in other
people’s lives is not cool.
CHUBBA
What about Taylor Lautner?
TAYLOR
Boy toys are different. Otherwise,
stick to the essentials.
CHUBBA
Essentials like sports cars and
magazine covers?
TAYLOR
I didn’t judge you when you wished
Ian to be all warm for your form.
CHUBBA
I did not wish for that!
TAYLOR
Whatevs. You know, people aren’t
total idiots. If they get exactly
what they want, they’re going to
get all weirded out, and then next
thing you know we’re getting probed
at Area 51.
DAVE (O.C.)
Area 51 is only a myth. The real
aliens are being held at a sub-
station on the moon.
Dave returns from the garage and rejoins them at the table.
DAVE (CONT’D)
And Chubba, all I want is to see
you girls grow up to live healthy
and happy lives.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
How could I not make a wish for him
after he says that?
INT. LESLIE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
It’s straight out of a Crate and Barrel store room. Leslie

presses play on her remote and steps onto her elliptical.
53.
LESLIE
You’ve got thirty minutes to make
me a believer, Battlestar.
DISSOLVE TO:
Title card: 3 hours later
Leslie sprints to the end credits and then steps off her
elliptical, completely whipped and sweating like a pig.
LESLIE
I can’t believe she’s a Cylon!
(re: the display monitor)
What the frak?
The display monitor reads 3000 calories burned.
Leslie, looking hella sexy, gathers herself at the door.

Before she can knock, the GARAGE DOOR opens.
Dave steps out wearing a T-shirt with a 20-sided die (the

game piece for D&D). It reads: This Is How I Roll.
DAVE
I’m convinced it was nothing less
than providence when you suggested
coming over to watch BSG today.
LESLIE
Oh my gods.
The GARAGE has been renovated in detail to look like

Battlestar Galactica’s pilot lounge with a flat screen TV.
DAVE
Your use of plural deities
indicates my recent inspiration was
not performed in vain.
Dave takes Leslie’s hand and pulls her inside as the garage
door closes behind them.
DISSOLVE TO:
The garage door opens. Dave and Leslie walk out arm in arm
into the NIGHT.
From her BEDROOM WINDOW, Chubba smiles as she watches Dave

walk Leslie to her Smart Car.
54.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I was feeling pretty stellar about
all the good I was doing. But the
flip side of Taylor seeing me
involve people in my wishes was
involving people in hers.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - MEN’S ROOM - DAY
Faith makes out with Derek, but as he runs his hand through
her hair, he pulls a chunk of hair out. Faith SCREAMS.
Faith, shedding hair with every step, runs down the hall,
trying to conceal her face. She runs into the -
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
- where Leech SCREAMS. Leech sprinkles Holy Water (we know by

the label) on top of Faith’s nearly bald head.
Faith, now with a scarf wrapped around her head, sips her
Diet Coke and avoids eye contact. Every PASSERBY chuckles.
When Eric passes her, Faith turns on the flirt.
FAITH
Hey, want to create another memory
for your spank bank?
ERIC
No thanks. Catching the clap isn’t
what I want to be thinking about
when I’m waxing my candlestick.
Eric walks away just as Taylor passes by with Mercedes.
TAYLOR
I hear Rogaine makes a formula for
hookers. You should check it out.
MERCEDES
Burn!
Instead of crying, Faith’s eyes follow Taylor.

55.
A FRESHMAN GIRL approaches Taylor with a dog-eared copy of

Teen Magazine, and Taylor signs it for her with a fake smile.
Just behind Taylor, Chubba and Ian play fight over potato
chips, any excuse to touch each other.
Faith’s eyes narrow on the Dietrich girls.
FAITH
What. The. Foes.
As the bell RINGS, Faith is the first one swinging out the
doors from the cafeteria.
Chubba and Ian follow, and Faith catches Chubba’s eye.
The Asian Train almost runs over Faith. She recovers and
stumbles into the Ladies Room, pulling at her scarf.
CHUBBA (PRE-LAP)
Are you really that much of a
vindictive bitch?
Taylor lounges in a face mask while Chubba confronts her.
TAYLOR
Like you care about the girl who
made you feel so hideous, you
wished for Playboy bunny boobs.
CHUBBA
Do I think she’s the Antichrist?
Perhaps. But going after her hair
is low down. That kind of karma
catches up with you. Besides, what
happened to people will notice?
TAYLOR
Having people notice is the whole
point of humiliation.
CHUBBA
Taylor. For serious. Promise you
won’t destroy anyone else.
Chubba holds out her hand for the ring. Taylor considers.
56.
TAYLOR
If I give you the ring, you’re just
going to wish her hair back, right?
Chubba bites her lip. Of course she’ll fix it.
TAYLOR (CONT’D)
So why would I give it to you?
CHUBBA
(aims camera phone)
You’re really making me do this?
Remember you’re out of wishes.
TAYLOR
You wouldn’t.
CHUBBA
Try me.
Taylor hands her the ring. Not worth the risk.
TAYLOR
Fine, but could you at least make
it a mousier brown or something?
CHUBBA
Is my hair mousy brown?
Taylor avoids eye contact. Answer: Yes. Mousy brown.
INT. FAITH’S BEDROOM - DAY
Faith walks past her mirror and double takes. Her hair is
back! Mousy brown, but back!
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Instead of letting my mortal enemy
die an excruciating social death,
which she totally deserved, I threw
her a bone.
Faith walks, swinging her hair. She spots Ian with his tray.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
And she was clearly grateful.
FAITH
(runs hand through hair)
Ian, see anything that looks tasty?
57.
IAN
Actually, I’m not that hungry.
Ian trashes his lunch, smiling at Chubba as he goes. Faith

spots this exchange and glares at her.
Chubba weakly grins as she passes her, on her way to Taylor’s

table. Taylor passes Mercedes mock-ups of dresses.
MERCEDES
OMG, this dress is the bomb, but no
way in hell I could fit into it.
TAYLOR
I bet Chubba could give you some
dieting help today. Right?
CHUBBA
Sure, don’t eat chili cheese fries.
MERCEDES
Anyway, what about Vintage?
TAYLOR
I can’t be on a ‘who wore it worst
list’ at the start of my career.
(flips a page and points)
This is so the dress for Chubba.
CHUBBA
Are you confusing me with one of
your Barbies in the attic?
TAYLOR
You didn’t think I was going to let
your whole Butch-lesbian disaster
be seen on camera, did you?
CHUBBA
What camera?
MERCEDES
Don’t you read her tweets?
Mercedes slides over a Seventeen article about the latest

“I’m Finally Legal Party” show - featuring Taylor.
CHUBBA
Your birthday party’s airing on
MTV? You have to let us play it!
TAYLOR
Justin Bieber or my sister’s lame
band? Tough call.
58.
MERCEDES
You can’t fight the fever.
CHUBBA
What if we opened for him?
Chubba raises her RINGED hand up to her chin. She smirks.

Taylor’s eyes narrow. Chubba nods.
TAYLOR
Fine, your band can play one song
before Bieber.
CHUBBA
You meant to say a five-song set.
TAYLOR
Two.
CHUBBA
Four.
TAYLOR
Three! And that’s it, final offer.
The girls shake, and Chubba walks away with a fist pump.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
MF-MTV! Without using a wish! If
that’s not thug life, what is?
Chubba finds Ian at his locker, tells him the news. Ian drops
his books, picks Chubba up, jumping in a circle.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Ian was more than a little excited.
As an embarrassed Ian slowly puts Chubba down, there’s a

moment where they almost, maybe...nope. No kiss today.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - BRENT MICHAELS CLASSROOM - DAY
Derek, Eric, Brent Michaels, and Ivy react to the news Chubba
and Ian just dropped on them.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
And so was the rest of the band.
DEREK
We’re going to get so much ass.
59.
Derek and Eric, in a rare moment of agreement, fist pound.
IVY
(hyperventilating)
I get to see ‘The Hair.’ Up close.
Ivy faints, but Ian and Chubba are there to break her fall.
BRENT MICHAELS
Is she okay?
CHUBBA
Sensory overload. She’ll be fine.
BRENT MICHAELS
Fabulous. Sit her down, and break
up the bromance over there. We need
to look and sound perfect. That
goes for all of us.
(dialing his cell phone)
Hello, Brent Michaels for Ramone
with a follicular emergency. Help!
EXT. DIETRICH HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY
Loco practices on a makeshift stage set up for the party.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Party prepping cut into my time to
fantasize about where Ian’s hands
would grope me on the dance floor.

Ivy scrutinizes Chubba, who models a new look.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
And the feel of his soft tongue
exploring my mouth.
Chubba catches Ian unbuttoning a sleek, form-fitting shirt

that clings to his muscle-toned bod. Lower, lower still...
CHUBBA (V.O.)
And how his throbbing -
60.
IAN (O.S.)
Colleen?
SMASH CUT TO:
Ian, fully buttoned, wakes Chubba from her daydream.
CHUBBA
Ian! Sorry, I wasn’t staring. Well,
I was, but it was just one of those
hundred mile stares, and you
happened to be where I was -
Ian wipes away a speck of drool on Chubba’s shirt.
CHUBBA
Eff my life.
IAN
Don’t trip, girl. Isn’t it obvious
that I drool over you too?
Chubba’s eyes go wide as Ian leans in to kiss her.
IVY (O.C.)
How’s it look, Ian? The girls will
be creaming themselves, right?
Ivy walks in just as their lips touch, killing the moment.
IVY (CONT’D)
I guess that answers my question.
IAN
We’ll finish this discussion later.
Ian smiles and walks away, and Chubba melts into her hair &
make-up chair in front of her vanity mirror.
CHUBBA
Fashion godmother, make me the
baddest thug in rock.
Ivy searches through clothing options while Chubba watches.

She holds up two identical outfits.
IVY
One for the show. One for Ian to
tear off you in a fit of passion
between songs. I call it the tear
and the spare.
61.
CHUBBA
I like how your mind works, Ivy. I
like it a lot.
INT. FAITH’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Faith views Taylor’s party details on the internet. Smirks.
In front of her mirror, she pushes her cleavage up, pleased.
EXT. DIETRICH HOUSE - FRONT YARD - NIGHT
Fashionable TEENS in prom-wear mill on a red carpet where a

CAMERA CREW sets up. They sign release forms and step up to a
camera. One points toward Mercedes, mid-confessional.
MERCEDES
It’s V-day, it’s her B-day, and
she’s dating Taylor effin’ Lautner.
How long do YOU think it will take
him to break into her virgin vault?
My money’s on ten minutes.
Taylor straightens her one-of-a-kind knockout dress.
Chubba enters, fully rocked-out courtesy of Ivy.
CHUBBA
Damn, sexy mama, you look fierce.
TAYLOR
And this is a big step up from your
just-rolled-out-of-bed look. Nice.
CHUBBA
Since you’ve already made your
wishes, any chance I could wear
Mom’s ring tonight? For luck?
TAYLOR
Sentimental, are we? Why not?
Taylor hands her the ring. From behind, KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!
TAYLOR
That’s my cue.
62.
EXT. DIETRICH HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT
FIREWORKS explode over the Pacific. As the fireworks drop,

they form a RED HEART with a T-squared symbol in the middle.
The Teen Crowd gathers round as a tuxed Lautner walks to the

steps where he greets Taylor. She walks down like a queen.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I have to hand it to her. Taylor
knows how to make an entrance.
Lautner escorts her to the STAGE, where Chubba nudges in

beside Ian, Derek, and Eric - all dressed like rock royalty.
Brent Michaels, his flowing mane hair sprayed to maximize

volume and awesomeness, gathers Loco in for a pep talk.
BRENT MICHAELS
I was fifteen when I saw Rob
Halford belting out the truth in
S&M leather and studs. Tonight
you’ll be that religious experience
for someone here. So go forth and
convert them to the church of rock.
Brent Michaels walks off stage left and joins Ivy and Calvin
next to the sound board. He tears up like a proud father.
BRENT MICHAELS
Ivy, you’ve made them look like
Roman rock gods. I must be
dreaming. Someone pinch me!
Ivy pinches his ass. Calvin shoots her a WTF look.

BRENT MICHAELS (CONT’D)
Hey! I didn’t mean literally.
IVY
You should be more specific.
Taylor takes the microphone and waves to the Teen Crowd.
TAYLOR (VIA MICROPHONE)

Thank you all for sharing my big
day with me. And you, my soulmate.
(to Lautner)
You’ve been my foundation these
past six days. I couldn’t have made
it without you, TL.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
I love you, TD.
63.
TAYLOR (VIA MICROPHONE)

Now before Bieber fever takes over,
we’ve got the premiere of my
sister’s band Loco, so give it up.
There’s polite applause as Lautner leads Taylor off stage.
CHUBBA
One two three four!
Chubba assaults her snare drum, pounding a wicked beat.
Eric chimes in like a wild man with a thumping bass line.
Derek sprinkles in a supporting guitar lick.
Then Ian tears into his opening guitar solo. His fingers fly
up and down his guitar, and the Crowd has officially taken
note. They mob the floor, cheering and dancing.
Taylor, hanging on Lautner, gives a testimonial to a CAMERA.
TAYLOR
It’s a lot to have accomplished by
age eighteen, and I won’t slow down
until I attain super-model status.
The Crowd storms past Taylor, heading for the stage.
TAYLOR (CONT’D)
What the Fendi? Can’t you guys see
this dress is an authentic fashion
masterpiece? You can’t just trample
it like it’s from JCPenney!
The camera turns away from her and zooms in on the stage to
catch Loco’s performance. Taylor steps back in front of it.
TAYLOR (CONT’D)
It’s my birthday. I’m over here.
Lautner, not feeling the attitude, leaves to check out Loco.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
While we were rocking the crowd’s
socks off, Taylor had trouble
getting her party back on track.
The first song ends, and the Crowd goes ballistic.
IAN (VIA MICROPHONE)

Thank you!
64.
Taylor notices a growing COMMOTION. She wades through the

bodies and finds Lautner, shirtless, showing off his abs to
admiring GIRLS. Among them is Faith, hanging all over him.
TAYLOR
Wow, branching out of Gee Dub High,
and trying to go viral? Oh wait,
herpes is a virus, so I guess
you’ve got that covered.
Mercedes pops out of the growing crowd with a quick -
MERCEDES
Burn!
The cameras circle Taylor and Faith, capturing their feud.
FAITH
It’s so sweet to have a party about
how a guy can finally get with you
without the threat of jail-time.
(puts arm around Lautner)
But guys would still prefer jail-
time for me over getting with you.
Faith whispers something to him, and his EYES GO WIDE. She

just hooked herself a movie star.
Taylor grabs Lautner’s other arm and tugs.
The growing crowd around Taylor, Lautner, and Faith attracts

Derek and Eric’s attention on stage.
DEREK (VIA MICROPHONE) ERIC (VIA MICROPHONE)

Catfight! Catfight!
TAYLOR
MTV gave me final approval on the
guest list, and I don’t recall
‘turboslut’ being anywhere on it.
FAITH
How’s this for turboslut?
Faith pulls Lautner in for some tonsil hockey, so Taylor

pulls on Faith’s hair to yank her away.
TAYLOR
Get off my man.
DEREK (VIA MICROPHONE)

Yeah! Get nasty, pussy cats.
Faith responds with claws across Taylor’s face.

65.
ERIC (VIA MICROPHONE)

Daddy likes. Meow!
Taylor and Faith roll on the ground. The Crowd eats it up.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
This always happens.
Just then, JUSTIN BIEBER arrives, smoothing his hair.
BIEBER
I know what you mean, bro.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Taylor’s night went from horrible
to tragic.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT
Taylor, her dress ripped to hell, tends to her scratches.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
She missed Bieber’s performance.
EXT. DIETRICH HOUSE - GARAGE - NIGHT
The garage door opens. Faith and Lautner exit together, and
the Camera Crew is there to film her greatest conquest.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
During which time Faith gave Taylor
Lautner her own performance.
EXT. DIETRICH HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT
The party now over, Chubba and Ian lay watching the stars.
CHUBBA
This was the best night ever.
Ian grins, rolls on top of Chubba and kisses her.
IAN
Now it is.
A small tear gently falls from the corner of her eye and
lands on the mood ring. It turns BRIGHT RED.
66.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
This called for some mood setting.
And since it was after midnight...
We pan skyward, where shooting stars perform a majestic show.
Chubba saunters in, all sunshine and roses. Conversely,

Taylor, her face all scratched up, seethes into her phone.
TAYLOR
I’ve been holding for ten minutes!
(covers the phone)
I’ve used every line I use on Dad,
and I still can’t get a producer on
the phone. I really need one of
your wishes to cancel the ep.
CHUBBA
You don’t want them to run any of
it? But it’s our biggest gig yet.
TAYLOR
You mean only.
CHUBBA
Mr. Michaels said it was a deeply
religious experience. We changed
lives.
TAYLOR
Yeah, like mine. You’re the one
always using wishes to help people.
So help me.
CHUBBA
Sorry, dude. I used all my wishes
right after midnight.
TAYLOR
What?!?
(into phone)
Get me your supervisor!
CHUBBA (V.O.)
That was only two thirds true.
Taylor, wearing dark sunglasses with a scarf around her head,

walks down the hallway. STUDENTS avoid her like the plague.
67.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Unfortunately, Taylor had to suffer
through a day of social leprosy.
Taylor finds her locker covered in TMZ clippings, advertising

the exclusive story of how Lautner dumped her.
FAITH
But Faith’s stock was never higher.
Banging Taylor Lautner can have
that effect in high school.
Faith sashays down the hall with her ADMIRERS.
FAITH
Like what you see? Your man did.
Taylor glares at Faith as she passes.
GIRLS walk down the hallway with “Team Ian” T-shirts on,
snapping camera phone pictures of Ian and giggling.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Ian became a teen phenomenon.
TEAM IAN GIRLS dance behind Brent Michaels as Loco practices.
TEAM IAN GIRL 1

Look at his fingers move.
TEAM IAN GIRL 2
He can play me anytime.
BRENT MICHAELS
Put a cap on the estrogen, ladies.
As practice wraps, Faith pushes past Team Ian Girls, straight

to Ian who is packing up his gear. She caresses his back.
FAITH
Hey Ian, I was hoping you might
come over tonight so we could -
Faith whispers in his ear and giggles. Chubba waits for Ian
at the doorway, eyeing her ring.
IAN
I’m spoken for.
68.
Ian removes Faith’s hand and joins Chubba.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Best. Non-magical. Moment. Ever.
As they leave together, Team Ian girls moan. Faith stomps.
FAITH
What the fluke’s he doing with her?
Derek and Eric join the Team Ian girls.
DEREK
Ian is looking to add a rusty
trombone player to the band.
ERIC
Who’s ready for auditions?
Ian drops off Chubba. They share a kiss before she heads in.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Since Ian was fortunately oblivious
to the groupie outbreak around him -
Chubba touches her mood ring to a tear rolling down her

cheek, turning it BRIGHT RED.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I was able to use my third wish to
make up for my little white lie.
CHUBBA
I wish that Lautner would blog an
apology to Taylor on TMZ.
Taylor at her computer - the Lautner apology love letter up

on her screen. Headline: Lautner in the Dog House.
Taylor bursts in on Chubba, practicing her drums.

69.
TAYLOR
You had a wish left?! And you let
me suffer through this humiliation?
CHUBBA
You wanted me to wish away Loco’s
stellar launch. That wouldn’t be
fair to me or my band-mates.
TAYLOR
Don’t you mean to Ian?
CHUBBA
It was one day. It’s not like you
can’t wish it all away tomorrow.
TAYLOR
You could have just as easily
wished your band a hella sweet
concert another day and helped me.
CHUBBA
I’m not mixing the band and magic.
We’re good enough on our own.
TAYLOR
So your band is more important than
your own sister?
CHUBBA
Taylor, look, I’m super sorry.
Taylor snatches the mood ring off Chubba’s necklace.
TAYLOR
No, you aren’t. Not yet anyway.
And she’s out.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Growing up with Taylor’s mood
swings, I wasn’t too concerned.
Chubba wakes up to her cell phone ALARM. As she rubs sleep

from her eyes, she sees FLASHES coming through her window.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I figured she’d get over it, and
we’d be cool again in a day or two.
70.
Taylor, wearing a dress worthy of the Oscars, poses for

PAPARAZZI pictures in front of a human-sized press release.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Given her bad press, she needed
magic to land a starring role
opposite Robert Pattinson.
Amid a multitude of photographs, Taylor pulls Ian (in a sleek

tuxedo) out of the crowd. They pose as a loving couple.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Her second wish didn’t burn bridges
between us so much as annihilate
them with a nuclear bomb.
TAYLOR
I’m so thrilled to have a new man
in my life, one with real talent
who can appreciate all my gifts.
That’s why I’m pleased to announce
that I’ve accepted Ian’s invitation
to be the lead singer in Loco! With
our Best of the Bay audition coming
next week, the timing is perfect to
launch my triple threat career.
And with that, the unspeakable occurs. IAN KISSES TAYLOR!!!
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I wasn’t alone in wanting her dead.

Leech kisses her rosary as Faith enters.
FAITH
Good morning, Mother. How has Jesus
blessed us today?
Leech tosses a manila envelope on her desk.
MS. LEECH
Would you care to explain this?
Faith, puzzled, opens the envelope. It’s a stack of PHOTOS,

each capturing Faith in a compromising position with a BOY.
FAITH
I, uh, these must be photoshopped.
71.
Leech turns her computer monitor around. It’s VIDEO of Faith

and Taylor Lautner in the Battlestar Galactica garage.
MS. LEECH
How about this?
FAITH (VIA COMPUTER)

Growl for me, you beast.
Chubba seethes from her drumset as Taylor fronts Loco. She

moons over Ian while not being able to carry a tune.
Behind the glass, Brent Michaels and Ivy cringe at her voice.
BRENT MICHAELS
With enough practice, we can still
have a shot at Best of the Bay.
IVY
Or at least Best of the Dismay.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Taylor texts at the table as Chubba burns holes into her.
TAYLOR
OMG, Ian is so sensitive. He’s
texting me in love lyrics.
Dave arrives with plates of food, oblivious to the tension.
CHUBBA
Dad, what do snakes eat?
DAVE
Pet snakes mainly eat live mice,
but in the wild -
CHUBBA
Then for dinner, Taylor needs a
plate of live mice.
DAVE
Your statement does not compute.
TAYLOR
Actually, I’m doing a cleanse. Ian
likes me thin and fit.
72.
CHUBBA
You don’t know what he likes, you
only wish you did.
DAVE
Is this Ian that guitar player?
CHUBBA
YES! She stole my boyfriend, then
she stole my band. What were you
going to do next, let me adopt a
puppy and steal that too?
TAYLOR
What’s the matter, can’t you take
one little bad day?
A KNOCK on the door. Chubba storms off to answer it.
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - NIGHT
Chubba opens the door to Ian, holding flowers.
IAN
Hey Colleen, is Taylor home?
Taylor pushes Chubba out of the way.
TAYLOR
For me? Aren’t you the sweetest!
Chubba runs upstairs.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I had to get the ring back before
she could screw up any more lives.
Chubba ransacks the room, tossing clothes and fashion mags.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Unfortunately, she was always a
step ahead of me.
Chubba gives up. An issue of In Style catches her eye. On the

cover are Taylor and a shirtless Ian. A corner caption reads:
Lautner Goes on Hunger Strike: “Taylor, Come Back!”
73.
Strong gusts of wind send papers flying and STUDENTS

scurrying as a helicopter with Taylor’s PICTURE painted on
the side lands on the lawn. Taylor and Ian step out and suck
face for a flurry of FLASH BULBS.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
She used her next day of wishes to
remind me of how horribly she
believed I wronged her.
Faith walks by, hiding her face with a scarf and sunglasses.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Meanwhile, Faith was reminded why
Taylor is the last person in the
world you want to cross.
When the outside doors open, wind blows her scarf off. She
covers her face with her hand, but it’s too late. Everyone
gawks at the SKIN LESIONS covering her face.
HIGH SCHOOL GIRL

I heard it’s a symptom of herpes.
I/E. DIETRICH HOUSE - DAY/NIGHT
Chubba searches all over the house and yard.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I looked over every inch of our
property without success. That left
one last place to look.
Chubba peeks around a corner to watch Taylor at her locker.

She glances over her shoulder. Ivy and the Asian Train rumble
past, briefly blocking Chubba’s view.
Taylor walks into a nearby bathroom. Chubba follows.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - GIRLS BATHROOM - DAY
Chubba finds Taylor preparing to make her daily wishes.

74.
CHUBBA
Are you finally satisfied? Three
wishes Satan could be proud of. Now
give the ring back.
TAYLOR
So you can dish your revenge and
undo all my wishes? Not happening.
CHUBBA
I’m not leaving without that ring,
and my arms are hella strong from
drumming whereas yours are pencil
thin from cleansing.
Chubba blocks the door. Taylor contorts her face, sniffs.
TAYLOR
You really think you can get the
ring before I squeeze out a tear?
CHUBBA
Oh, it’s on now.
Chubba pushes Taylor’s head into a sink and turns on the

water, messing up her immaculate hair and make-up.
Taylor looks at her reflection in horror, and Chubba uses the

distraction to pull the ring off her finger.
Chubba turns to run, but Taylor swings her leg out to trip
her. Chubba falls and drops the ring.
The girls scramble after it as it rolls underneath a bathroom

stall. It stops upon hitting the SHOE of someone inside.
Chubba and Taylor both dive for the ring, but a HAND scoops
it up a second before they can reach it.
Out of the stall walks Faith.
FAITH
What the fabulous.
Chubba and Taylor spring to their feet, but not before Faith
dashes out the door.
TAYLOR
Anyone but her!
Faith runs outside and locks herself in an old Honda Civic.

75.
Chubba and Taylor run out after her, reaching the car door
just after she presses the lock button. Chubba bangs on the
window, and Taylor paws at the door handle.
CHUBBA
That’s our mom’s ring!
FAITH
Please, bitch, I knew something was
up with you two. Now it’s payback.
TAYLOR
Chubba, find a rock!
As the girls search for something to break Faith’s windows,

Faith calmly takes a pair of tweezers from her purse and
proceeds to sculpt her eyebrows.
CHUBBA
Wait, my drumsticks!
Chubba pulls her sticks from her bag just as inside Faith’s
car, a tear rolls down her cheek. Faith scoops up the tear
onto the ring, which turns BRIGHT RED.
CHUBBA TAYLOR
NO!!! NO!!!
Faith drives away, waving in her rearview mirror. Chubba and

Taylor run to the Porsche, and they peel away in hot pursuit.
I/E. TAYLOR’S PORSCHE - DAY
Taylor maxes out her car’s horsepower trying to catch up.

The girls catch serious air as Taylor drives 50 mph over the
crest of a hill.
BEGIN SLOW MOTION
Chubba and Taylor have looks of exhilaration as their jump

joins the lexicon of legendary San Francisco car launches.
They bounce the landing, and the scrapes from the car’s belly
light up the street in a shower of sparks.
Chubba and Taylor have looks of relief that they’re alive.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Thug life, baby.
END SLOW MOTION

76.
They spot Faith’s Civic half a block ahead. Just then,

Taylor’s phone rings: incoming call from Ho-Bag.
TAYLOR
Put it on speaker!
FAITH (VIA SPEAKER-PHONE)

This is ridic. I so want to see
your faces as I make my wishes, and
I’m sure you’ll want to see mine.
The Civic pulls over to the curb. The Porsche squeals to a

stop next to it. Faith lowers her car window, and her SKIN IS
MAGICALLY CLEAR and more radiant than ever.
FAITH
I wish for my own reality series
that makes everyone say Lauren who?
TAYLOR
What an awesome career move to get
on Celebrity Rehab.
(under her breath)
Why didn’t I think of that?
FAITH
And for my final wish, Taylor, I
wish for every single thing you’ve
ever wished for to now be mine.
Chubba and Taylor fall to the asphalt, the Porsche having

disappeared beneath them and reappearing as Faith’s new car.
FAITH
(caressing the Porsche)
Mommy likes.
(holds up her phone)
Sorry, gotta take this. I’m sure
it’s more fabulous news.
Faith drives off.
CHUBBA
Is this where we wake up screaming?
TAYLOR
This is all your fault.
CHUBBA
My fault? Maybe if you hadn’t been
such a d-bag -
77.
Taylor pushes Chubba, and Chubba pushes her back. It’s about
to escalate when a car SCREECHES to a halt behind them. Ian
sticks his head out his car window.
CHUBBA
Ian! Can you give us a lift?
IAN
Sorry, I’m in a hurry. Did you see
where Faith went? Never mind, I see
her up ahead - COMING FAITH!
Ian swerves around them and drives away.
CHUBBA
Why does everyone have to steal my
boyfriend? He actually liked ME!
The garage door opens, and Dave and Leslie exit hand in hand.
LESLIE
Is Starbuck the final Cylon or not?
DAVE
I can’t in good conscience divulge
any information before the BSG gods
deem you ready to know.
LESLIE
Curse the gods. This show is
frakking killing me.
Chubba and Taylor arrive on foot, still pushing each other.

DAVE
How was school?
The girls walk inside without a word.
LESLIE
That doesn’t look good.
DAVE
It appears the Cylon influence has
reached the Presidio.
Chubba’s cell phone BEEPS. She opens an email: Loco practice

for new lead vocalist Faith Leech.
78.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
The world according to Faith was
straight up torture.
Chubba sits down at her drum set to take out her frustration.
Taylor opens empty drawers in her dresser before spotting her

mail on top, which includes Faith on the cover of In Style.
Now the headline: Faith Leech to star in upcoming Teen Angst
Film with Robert Pattinson.
Just then, Taylor gets a text from Mercedes:
R U watching MTV?
INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Taylor watches in HD horror as we see:
CREDIT SEQUENCE: Trashy shots of Faith while lots of GUYS

drool over her, but she brushes them off when Ian approaches.
The camera zooms in on him saying -
IAN
Gotta have Faith.
ON THE TELEVISION SCREEN: GOTTA HAVE FAITH
INT. LEECH’S HOUSE - FAITH’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Faith and Ian make out on her bed. Faith leans away to check
her ringing phone.
FAITH
Ugh, Lautner again. Dude, take a
hint. Why does every guy obsess
over me? It’s like that Taylor
Dietrich girl with you, so sad. I
can’t help that every guy wants me.
IAN
Sure you can. Just be less hot.
Faith catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror.
FAITH
Not possible.
(rolls on top of him)
(MORE)
79.
FAITH (cont'd)
Ian, you would do anything for me,
right?
IAN
Fo sheezy.
FAITH
You know how our Best of the Bay
audition is next week...
IAN
(pulls Faith closer)
I can’t wait to hear you rock it.
FAITH
(giggles)
I was thinking. Maybe we should
ditch those other no-talent losers
and perform on our own.
IAN
Right on. Let me make some calls.
Faith drives up in Taylor’s Porsche, Ian riding shotgun.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
And with that, Loco was dunzycakes.
As they get out of the car, a flurry of Team Ian Girls

surround them, now wearing GOTTA HAVE FAITH shirts.

Brent Michaels cries as Ian packs up his gear. Ian hands him
a Gotta Have Faith ad promoting their own audition.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Faith stole our thunder and soul.
Faith and Ian swap spit at a lunch table. Ms. Leech passes
them and smiles with pride. She opens up her purse and
proceeds to pass out condoms to students.
MS. LEECH
Go forth, but don’t multiply.
80.
The social leprosy has spread to Chubba. She receives cold

shoulders at every table she walks past.
Taylor, channeling Aunt Jemima to cover her BALD HEAD and

skin lesions, eats alone. Chubba sits at the other end of the
table, equally ostracized.
Both girls watch Faith’s slut show when Ms. Leech approaches.
MS. LEECH
(to Taylor)
Miss Dietrich, your father was
surprised to hear about how much
class you’ve missed this year.
Seventeen “excused” absences equals
detention for the rest of the year.
(hands her a condom)
But maybe you can use this some
time when you’re not grounded.
Faith arrives on the scene with Mercedes on her wing.
FAITH
It would be a total waste. Taylor
couldn’t find a willing partner if
she wandered into Fleet Week.
MERCEDES
Burn!
TAYLOR
It’s actually quite flattering that
you chose to steal my boyfriend, my
best friend, my car, my career, and
even my method of revenge to see if
I’d squirm. But does it look like
I’m squirming, skank? Move along.
FAITH
We’ll see what tomorrow brings.
Faith walks away as her threat looms in the air.
The sisters scowl at each other. No love lost there.
Brent Michaels, dressed in black leather and make-up, stands

in front of Chubba, Derek, Eric, and Ivy.
BRENT MICHAELS
Once upon a time, there was a band
who took rock to another dimension.
(MORE)
81.
BRENT MICHAELS (cont'd)
Everything was going beautifully
until one member decided he liked
girls and left for another band.
The band never recovered. In fact,
one member had to settle for
teaching music in a high school
full of ignorant tools.
DEREK
The Darkness?
BRENT MICHAELS
No.
ERIC
Rage Against The Machine?
BRENT MICHAELS
No.
IVY
It’s Hot Cock, guys. Get your heads
out of your asses.
BRENT MICHAELS
In rock, you lose things. Privacy,
innocence, people you love.
(chokes up)
Sometimes you lose because people
aren’t willing to tell the world
who they really are. It tears you
up, but you have to let them go and
live with the consequences. Which
in this member’s case meant living
a celebrity lifestyle.
(composes himself)
My point is that no matter what
happens, you have to keep rocking.
In my heart, I know Loco is the
Best of the Bay. But much like with
Hot Cock, what’s inside you doesn’t
matter. We need to show it to
Rolling Stone. Who’s with me?
Brent Michaels puts his hand out with Devil’s Horns.
Chubba, Derek, Eric, and Ivy all throw their horned hands in.
LOCO
ROCK!
82.
INT. LEECH’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
A CAMERA CREW films Faith straddling Ian, phone to her ear.
FAITH
A Rock-off?!?! Oh, it’s so on.
Taylor takes notes watching Gotta Have Faith on her laptop.
FAITH (ON COMPUTER)

Loco is loco if they think they
have any chance without us.
Taylor’s lips curl into a devilish smile. An idea!!!
TAYLOR
Daddy, can you do me a favor?!?!
EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
Chubba talks to Molly’s grave.
CHUBBA
So we’re not going down without a
fight, but I’m the only one who
knows it’s not a fair fight.
There’s got to be some kind of
reset button. Or ring-Kryptonite?
Can you please just give me a sign?
(a RUSTLING of leaves)
If talking to your decomposed
corpse is what you had in mind, I’d
rather we just forget the sign.
The RUSTLING continues until Taylor emerges from the shadows.
TAYLOR
OMG, do you believe in Santa too?
CHUBBA
Did you really come out here to
insult me? Cuz we both kinda have
bigger Faiths to fry right now.
TAYLOR
Exactly. That’s why I came. We have
to be like Edward and Jacob.
CHUBBA
Twilight translation please.
83.
TAYLOR
They hate each other, but they have
to join forces to keep Bella safe.
CHUBBA
Who’s Bella?
TAYLOR
Ugh, you are so clueless. I have a
plan to publicly rip Faith’s heart
out. You in?
CHUBBA
Dude yes! Lead with that next time.
DISSOLVE TO:
Chubba can barely contain her excitement.
CHUBBA
I always knew your devious side
would come in huge someday.
TAYLOR
We’re only going to get one shot at
this, so you have to get it right.
CHUBBA
You got it. Taylor, thanks.
TAYLOR
Don’t thank me yet. Just be ready.
(turns to walk away, then
turns back to Chubba)
Just in case something happens and
Faith wishes us into oblivion, I
want you to know I’m really sorry
for stealing Ian and the band.
CHUBBA
Yeah, and letting you be humiliated
on TV was pretty douchey of me too.
TAYLOR
Friends?
CHUBBA
Hellz no. We’re sisters.
Chubba hugs Taylor, who quickly returns the gesture.
TAYLOR
Bye Mom. Wish us luck!
84.
Taylor kisses the grave. Chubba follows suit.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I’ve never loved that vindictive
bitch more in my life.
INT. DREAM HOUSE - CHUBBA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Taylor shows clips of Gotta Have Faith to Chubba.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Taylor figured out the layout of
Faith’s house by watching her show.
INT. DREAM HOUSE - TAYLOR’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Taylor, dressed in a black belted tunic over black leggings,

hands Chubba a fitted Marc Jacobs black tee.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Revenge turned her into a sharer.
INT. DREAM HOUSE - GARAGE - NIGHT
Dave and Leslie sleep in the BSG pilot lounge, snuggling on

the couch with the TV humming in the background.
The garage door opens, and Dave stirs awake to see Chubba and
Taylor wheeling their homemade motor bikes out.
DAVE
Where are you going?
TAYLOR
It’s that special school assignment
I told you about.
DAVE
Right, studying the stars of the
zodiac at various times of night.
Are you measuring light intensity
or positional aspects?
TAYLOR
Both.
DAVE
Man, I wish they offered that class
when I was in school.
85.
CHUBBA
We’ll all geek out about the
science project later. Do you have
Taylor’s favor ready?
DAVE
It’s on the Pyramid table.
Chubba grabs an OBJECT wrapped in cloth lying atop a vintage

BSG card table and pockets it.
TAYLOR
Thanks Daddy.
CHUBBA
You’re the bee’s knees.
The girls crank up their motor bikes and take off. The motors
wake up Leslie.
LESLIE
Did you just let your girls out at
11:30 on a school night?
DAVE
I’m helping to foster their love of
science. There’s a big difference.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - NIGHT
Chubba and Taylor cruise along the city streets.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
The plan was supposed to be a
simple smash and grab job.
The girls kill their bike engines on a residential street.
EXT. LEECH’S HOUSE - NIGHT
The yard sports BIBLE VERSE SIGNS, a stone Nativity scene,

and a LADDER labeled Jacob’s leaning against the house.
Chubba and Taylor walk their motor bikes along the sidewalk.
Chubba parks facing the way they just came.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
But simple plans never seem to go
as planned.
86.
Chubba’s cell phone display switches from 11:55PM to 11:56PM.

She pounds fists with Taylor and runs to Jacob’s Ladder. She
carries it around to the...
BACK YARD, where she leans the ladder against the house just
under a window. She climbs up.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Step One, climb inside the window
Faith leaves unlocked for Ian.
INT. LEECH’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT
From outside, Chubba pushes the window open and climbs in.
She tiptoes downstairs and unlocks the front door.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Step two, secure escape route.
Chubba re-climbs the stairs and heads to closed door. She

delicately turns the knobs and nudges the door open to...
TWO BODIES roll underneath the covers of the bed as a

CAMERAMAN films it all.
FAITH (THROUGH THE COVERS)

Stop teasing my rosebud, and DO
something to it!
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Step two A, refrain from puking.
Chubba pokes her head through the door, and the Cameraman
notices the light. He turns the camera to her upon entry.
Chubba puts her finger to her lips - Shhh. Cameraman complies
and keeps recording.
INT. IVY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Calvin sucks on Ivy’s toes while she watches Gotta Have Faith
on her laptop.
IVY
Oh, no she isn’t.
CALVIN
What?
IVY
I’ll tell you when my toes are done
being lubricated, love slave.
87.
ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN, Chubba searches through the jewelry

on Faith’s dresser. Nada.
MATCH CUT TO:
INT. LEECH’S HOUSE - FAITH’S BEDROOM
Faith’s hands shoot out, exposing the MOOD RING on her hand.
INT. DEREK’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN, Chubba tiptoes toward Faith’s bed.
DEREK
Threesomes are tasty.
Derek grabs a sock from his floor as he watches.
His cell phone RINGS, and he answers.
INT. ERIC’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Eric, phone to his ear, watches on a wall-mounted TV. A sock

hangs out the front of his unzipped pants.
ERIC
Do you have a sock ready?
DEREK (VIA PHONE)

Hells bells, dude.
INT. LEECH’S HOUSE - FAITH’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Chubba stands next to the bed, dodging the covered bodies
while looking for Faith’s hand to come to a stop.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Step three, obtain ring.
Chubba takes a deep breath. Then, she pins down Faith’s hand
and yanks the ring off her finger.
The covers fly off, revealing Faith in a push-up bra and Ian
with lipstick peppered all over his shirtless bod.
FAITH
What the felony!
Chubba runs with the ring.

88.
Faith leaps out of bed and promptly faceplants on her floor

because her fishnet stockings are down around her ankles.
Taylor, hiding behind bushes, watches on her iPhone.
TAYLOR
Classic.
INT. LEECH’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Ms. Leech, barely awake, sticks her head out of her doorway
just as Chubba sprints past her and down the staircase.
Faith runs out of her bedroom, still just wearing a bra.
FAITH
I’m going to screw you so bad, you
won’t know your own name!
MS. LEECH
Branching out to girls, too? Keep
pushing that envelope, honey.
Chubba races out the front door. She heads directly to the
bushes where Taylor is hiding.
Chubba high fives Taylor, and Taylor once again takes cover.
She pulls up her black hood and blends into the darkness.
Chubba hops on her motor bike and cranks up the engine just
as Faith bursts outside. She revs up and is gone.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - NIGHT
Chubba zips along the streets.
CHUBBA
Thug life!
Just then, HEADLIGHTS shine on her. She looks over her

shoulder and sees Faith rapidly gaining in the Porsche.
Chubba veers sharply down an ALLEY. The Porsche screeches its

brakes and fishtails through the turn.
89.
EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
Chubba speeds down the narrow passage as the Porsche scrapes

up its sides chasing her.
Chubba’s eyes go wide as she spots an upcoming POT HOLE.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Eff my life.
Chubba brakes hard and barely stops in front of the pot hole.
The Porsche squeals to a halt, but its bumper hits the rear
wheel of Chubba’s bike. The impact knocks Chubba to the
ground, and her bike lands on top of her.
The alley is too narrow for car doors to open, so the

Porsche’s sun roof opens. Ian climbs out, and Faith’s head
pops out immediately after.
FAITH
(to Ian)
If you ever want to see me pretzel,
you better come back with her ring.
Ian hops down to the ground and stands over Chubba.
CHUBBA
Help me.
IAN
Give me the ring first.
CHUBBA
It belongs to my dead mother. Don’t
you remember when I told you?
FAITH
She’s lying. Don’t listen to her.
CHUBBA
(to Ian, gently)
I know she hasn’t completely
brainwashed you. Can’t you feel how
bomb we are together?
Ian gently takes her hand. Is he?!?! Nope, he pries the mood
ring off her finger.
IAN
I only dream in one fine color, and
that’s Faith’s red thong.
Ian climbs back in the sun roof.

90.
FAITH
(to Ian)
Which you’re about to see a whole
lot more of, baby.
(to Chubba)
You crossed the line, dyke. You and
your bitch sister are going to wish
you’d never been born.
Faith sits back in her Porsche and backs away.
As the LIGHTS retreat off her face, Chubba pulls her cell
phone from her pocket. There’s a new message from TAYLOR:
done & done. ur a rock star
Chubba breaks out a huge smile from her back.
INT. LEECH’S HOUSE - FAITH’S BEDROOM - DAY
Faith plucks a nostril hair at her vanity mirror. No tear.

Frustrated, she yanks out a large group. Still no tear.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Faith took a personal day when she
developed a sudden plumbing issue
with her tear ducts.
FAITH
What the follicle!!!
Faith bangs her head against the wall repeatedly. No tears.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - BRENT MICHAELS ROOM - DAY

Chubba huddles with Derek, Eric, Brent Michaels, and Ivy.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
I worked on keeping the band
together. Most of it anyway.
INT. DREAM HOUSE - CLASSROOM - DAY
Hiding her phone under her desk, Taylor types Facebook

messages while pretending to pay attention to the lesson.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Meanwhile, Taylor worked on
promoting our show.
91.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
Mercedes checks her chirping phone for its new message:
LOCO N CONCERT 2NITE! MUST C!
Down the hall, cell phones BEEP from their new messages.
EXT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - DUSK
Faith tries to arrive incognito through the back door, a task

made much more difficult with her CAMERA CREW following her.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - BATHROOM
Faith, now nervous, smooths Ian’s hair.
FAITH
Babe, I have to do something to
you. It’s not going to feel very
good, but I promise I’ll make it up
to you later.
IAN
Do whatever you need to.
Faith knees him in the groin, and he doubles over. The

Cameraman gets in close to film his agony.
Faith pushes the camera away searching for a tear. She holds
her ring out to collect it, but this kid is tough.
FAITH
Really, not one tear?
MERCEDES
(pokes her head in)
Five minutes.
FAITH
Fine, we’ll do it au natural.
Faith tugs Ian along with her.
IAN
(falsetto)
Okay.
92.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY
MTV spares no expense making Gee Dub High THE place to be.
STUDENTS pour in, crowding the space between two competing
stages set up for the rock off. There’s a heavy dose of Gotta
Have Faith T-shirts.
Peeking from the locker room, Brent Michaels is a glorious

reincarnation of his Hot Cock days. Wearing Black Swan make-
up and a skin tight S&M leather top exposing his nipples and
navel, he makes Elton John look like a lumberjack.
BRENT MICHAELS
It’s time.
He walks in to join the band.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Chubba, a sexy rock chica with piercing red lipstick, taps

her drumsticks to calm her nerves. Taylor sits next to her.
TAYLOR
Dude, it’s all good in the hood. By
the end of the night, everyone with
a pulse will know you’re the
sickest drummer on the planet.
Nearby, Derek makes pouty lips as Ivy touches up his stage

make-up. Eric watches intently.
ERIC
Do you pucker up like that when
you’re waiting for a money shot?
DEREK
Do you always pitch a tent when you
see another guy wearing make-up?
Sure enough, Eric sports wood in his nuthuggers.
IVY
You guys should just kiss already.
CHUBBA
Amen to that.
Brent Michaels gathers the Loco crew for a pep talk.

93.
BRENT MICHAELS
The masses seem to have a lot of
Faith tonight, and I don’t know if
they’ll give you guys a shot to
rock their faces off. So guess
what? Ian or no Ian, you’re going
to have to reach inside and
forcibly shake their souls. That’s
what legends do. Like Dee Snyder.
Or Vince Neil. Or...Robby Doll?!?!
OMMFG!!! Hot Cock’s former bass player ROBBY DOLL walks in,
also in glam make-up and leather.
ROBBY DOLL
My, my, my. Brent, you haven’t aged
a day. Just like old times.
BRENT MICHAELS
What are you doing here?
ROBBY DOLL
Once I heard you scheduled a show
on Hot Cock’s Gee Dub anniversary,
I had to honor the launch of our
career as a member of the jury.
(scanning the locker room)
Is this the same room where we -
BRENT MICHAELS
(smiling)
Sure is.
They share a knowing glance, which sends Ivy over the edge.
IVY
I so need to change my underwear.
Ivy steps into a nearby stall.
ROBBY DOLL
Anyhow, I was just coming back to
give you your two minute warning.
BRENT MICHAELS
Thanks.
ROBBY DOLL
Maybe I’ll see you after the show.
BRENT MICHAELS
That would be wicked.
94.
Robby Dall walks out, but not before taking one more glance
at Brent Michaels. Mmm mmm mmm.
BRENT MICHAELS (CONT’D)

If any of you’ve ever felt even the
slightest shred of affection for
me, you’ll do this one small thing.
Rock that queen out of his closet.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
We did that and more.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY
Robby Doll stands on a walkway that bridges the gap between

the neighboring stages.
ROBBY DOLL (VIA MICROPHONE)

My producer says we have to
introduce some conflict into this
foregone conclusion, so please give
a warm welcome to Loco.
The crowd BOOS as Chubba, Derek, and Eric take the stage
right of Robby Doll. As Chubba sits down at her drum set,
she’s surprised to find Dave hooking up sound equipment.
CHUBBA
Dad?
DAVE
You needed to sound bigger than
life, so I made a few tweaks to
your gear. Your sound should be off
the hook.
(off Chubba’s amused look)
I’m just repeating what a tiny
Asian girl said when she saw what I
was doing.
ROBBY DOLL (VIA MICROPHONE)

From the hype that surrounds them,
it seems like a formality for them
to perform. Combining a bombastic
personality with one of the
freshest guitarists playing, here
they are from down the street. The
one, the only, GOTTA HAVE FAITH!
Stage left of Robby Doll, the crowd ROARS as Faith and Ian
rise from under the stage on a hydraulic lift. Faith and Ian
stand at their mics.
95.
FAITH (VIA MICROPHONE)

Thank you so much to my adoring
fans. You have no idea what your
love means to me. Almost as much as
the love I have from this stud-
muffin of mine.
Faith reaches for Ian’s hand, but he jerks his hand away.

Ian?
Ian shakes his head like he’s waking up from a bad dream.

What’s going on?
(sees Faith next to him)
Why are you here?

But pookie, we’re supposed to
perform right now. On national TV.
She points to all the CAMERAS filming their interaction.

Why would I ever agree to that?

Because you love me.

You’re a gutterwhore who steals
oxygen from the rest of us.
The crowd GASPS. Taylor and Chubba exchange a euphoric look.

CHUBBA TAYLOR
Burn! Burn!
Offstage, Brent Michaels nods his approval.
BRENT MICHAELS
Bitch had that coming.
Faith rubs her ring against her eye. Still no tear.
FAITH
I wish you’d love me.

Keep wishing all you want, but
there’s only one girl for me. Are
you here, Colleen?
96.
Ian locks eyes with Chubba. He marches past Robby Doll to the
next stage and shares a very public display of affection with
his drummer babe.
Off stage, Brent Michaels chimes in.
BRENT MICHAELS
Three girls in the same week? Ian
sure is a slut.
Chubba and Ian break their kiss.
IAN
What the eff bomb just happened?
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Some of you may be wondering the
same thing.
INT. DREAM HOUSE - GARAGE - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
Dave puts the finishing touches on a duplicate MOOD RING, a

dead ringer for the real one.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Taylor solicited Dad’s help to make
a spare mood ring.
He wraps it in CLOTH and leaves it on the BSG card table.
EXT. LEECH’S HOUSE - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
Chubba and Taylor high five by the bushes where Taylor hides.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Then it was just a matter of
keeping Faith occupied while Taylor
set the world straight.
Taylor watches from the shadows as Chubba hops on her motor

bike and speeds away.
As soon as Faith and Ian peel off in her Porsche, Taylor

opens her hand to reveal the MOOD RING.
Taylor produces waterworks and turns the ring BRIGHT RED.
TAYLOR
I wish that Faith can’t cry.
SMASH CUT TO:

97.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - GYMNASIUM - BACK TO PRESENT
Faith picks up a water bottle, pours water in her eyes and

touches the trickling water droplets onto her ring.
From the neighboring stage, Taylor waves the BRIGHT RED MOOD
RING on her finger.
TAYLOR
Looking for this?
Faith charges Taylor, who whispers something we can’t hear

that’s followed by a FLASH from her ring.
Faith stops on a dime and clutches her forehead. She looks up

at Taylor in agony.
FAITH
What did you do?
Taylor holds up a compact so that Faith can get a view of the

newly branded WHORE on her forehead.
TAYLOR
Since you were so desperate to
advertise your exploits, I thought
I’d help with your publicity.
Faith runs away screaming, and a Cameraman runs after her to

capture some prime footage.
Meanwhile, Chubba and Ian finish their make-up.
IAN
You ready?
CHUBBA
Cocked, locked, and ready to rock.
Loco takes their positions on stage. Chubba counts them off

with her drumsticks, and she launches a rhythmic assault.
When Ian hits his first chord, the intensity blasts the front
row of the Crowd backwards.
The rock explosion also sends Robby Doll into Brent Michaels,
and the impact knocks them to the ground.
ROBBY DOLL
Hello stranger.
Off stage, Dave looks on sheepishly.

98.
DAVE
Apparently that was one or two
orders of ten too many decibels.
Despite their pulverized ear drums, the crowd eats it up, and
MTV captures a seminal rock moment.
Loco’s MUSIC plays over the closing MONTAGE.
INSERT: ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE
Loco graces the cover as the latest Best of the Bay.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Things got loco in a hurry.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - BAKER BEACH - DAY
Dave and Leslie stand front and center in a Battlestar

Galactica-themed wedding. Chubba and Taylor, her hair back to
normal, serve as bridesmaids dressed as Viper pilots.
Dave and Leslie slide rings on each other’s fingers.
DAVE
So say we all.
LESLIE
So say we all.
They kiss, and all the GUESTS give the new bride and groom a
military salute.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Dad and Leslie weren’t the only
hibernating relationship to bloom.
INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - BOYS BATHROOM - DAY
It appears to be empty, but on closer inspection there are

TWO PAIRS OF SHOES in the same bathroom stall.
A toilet FLUSHES, and Derek and Eric exit hand in hand.
INT. FASHION RUNWAY
Ivy sits among PROJECT RUNWAY JUDGES at the end of a catwalk.

She soaks in the scene of Calvin and another SHIRTLESS MALE
MODEL, both in glam make-up, strutting toward her.
99.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Ivy’s fashion app blew up, and
within a month she was one of
fashion’s most important voices.
IVY
Ivy likey.
INT. SOUND STAGE - NIGHT
A film set made into a dense forest. Mercedes argues with the
DIRECTOR while Taylor pulls off her SNOW WHITE costume.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Taylor once again became the new IT
girl, but this time she didn’t let
the fame go to her head.
MERCEDES
She has a family commitment we made
you aware of weeks ago. In Writing.
DIRECTOR TAYLOR *
Doesn’t change that she is (to Mercedes) *
NOT wrapped for the day. See you there in a few? *
MERCEDES
(to Taylor)
Wouldn’t miss it.
(to Director)
Not our problem you can’t schedule
her scenes better.
Taylor leaves, dropping puffed sleeves as she goes.
INT. THE FILLMORE - NIGHT
Taylor pushes her way to the front of the stage. It’s

standing room only as Loco plays to a raucous CROWD, in sync
with the song playing throughout the montage.
Loco finishes the song with a bombastic flurry. The Crowd

lets out a primal ROAR of approval.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Everyone was pretty effin stoked
with their lives.
The lights go DARK, and Loco exits the stage.

100.
INT. HOTEL CONVENTION ROOM - DAY
A very sterile environment with no plants or decorations. A

group of CELEBRITY FUCK-UPS sit in a fold-up chair circle.
Faith wears a visor to cover her forehead, clearly squeamish

about her current circumstances.
CHUBBA (V.O.)
Well, almost everyone.
TIGER WOODS stands from his seat.
TIGER WOODS
I’m Tiger W, and I’m a sex addict.
INT. THE FILLMORE - NIGHT
The Crowd SHOUTS. They STOMP their feet. They hold up

LIGHTERS. They will not be denied.
CROWD
Encore! Encore! Encore!
After a few moments, the Crowd’s BUZZ rises as SHADOWY

FIGURES walk back on stage.
A single SPOTLIGHT shines on Ian at his microphone, and the

noise reaches a crescendo.

We’re going to bring out some very
special friends. Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome back into your
lives -
TWIN SPOTLIGHTS shine on Brent Michaels and Robby Doll,
glammed and ready. Brent Michaels unleashes years of pent up
disappointment with a wail that belongs among the rock canon.
BRENT MICHAELS (V.O.)

Hot Cooooooooooooooooooooooooock!!!
Chubba explodes into a beat, and as Loco and Hot Cock rock
your soul, we...
FADE OUT.

WTF!

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WTF!

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WTF!

Jeff Hammer and Kelley Qualls

Contact: Third Draft

The beautiful buon fresco murals of George Washington should

INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

A sea of STUDENTS raise LIGHTERS in worship of the religious

Stage left, a mesmerized MOLLY (18, a bona fide Ringwald

BRENT MICHAELS (VIA MICROPHONE)

INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT

Converted to dressing room with make-up tables. Molly walks

Caught red-handed, Brent stares at Molly, mouth-agape. She

INT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

DAVE DIETRICH (18, AV nerd completely at home in the Dungeons

DAVE’S POV: As the blurriness clears, the first thing he sees

Bullseye. Molly melts.

EXT. GEORGE WASHINGTON HIGH - DAY

Sitting atop a prime plot in San Francisco’s Presidio, Dave

A TEAR falls on to her mood ring. It turns BRIGHT RED.

Her ring FLASHES.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - BAKER BEACH - DAY

DAVE and MOLLY (now an attractive couple in their 20s) kiss

INSERT Dave’s POV shot of Molly’s braces.

EXT. DIETRICH HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY

Dave and Molly lounge in the popsicle stick chairs behind a

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Dave beams as Molly holds a tiny BABY GIRL in a room filled

Dave rocks TODDLER TAYLOR in his arms. He grins ear to ear as

Molly’s medical equipment BEEPS wildly. DOCTORS rush in as a

Then, one long, steady BEEP. Dave’s face says it all.

EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY

EXT. DIETRICH HOUSE - DAY

Insert: Guns N’ Roses “Sweet Child of Mine.”

INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - CHUBBA’S ROOM - DAY

CHUBBA (16, alternateen, pixie hair, in tank top & flannel

She rolls out of bed, grabs a WHITE STRIPES T-SHIRT from a

Defeated, she pulls the baggy shirt over her non-existent

INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - TAYLOR’S ROOM - DAY

Designer clothes litter the floor of a shrine to the Twilight

TAYLOR (THROUGH THE COVERS)

INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - CHUBBA’S ROOM - DAY

Chubba pounds a killer beat as Taylor whips open the door.

Taylor turns to leave. At which point, Chubba rolls her eyes

Taylor whips around again. This time she slips on a stray T-

Chubba can’t contain herself. Now it’s a full belly laugh.

INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY

Chubba enters to find DAVE (40s, hair now graying) sorting

Dave breaks into an 80s robot dance.

Chubba points to a VOLVO sportswagon - nothing sexy about it.

INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

BUZZ - her cell phone vibrates from a new text message:

Her thumbs move at supersonic speed as she texts her reply:

about 2 talk 2 my ATM

Chubba enters and immediately responds to Taylor’s outfit.

Dave walks in with his rolled-up diagram, giddy like a kid

Dave washes his greasy hands in the sink.

Taylor shoots Chubba daggers, and Chubba backs down.

The WALLET lies on the kitchen table. Taylor takes $100.

Dave dries his hands and scribbles his signature without

Taylor swipes up the note and heads to the garage, texting:

INT. DIETRICH HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY

Taylor continues texting as the garage door slowly opens,

When she looks up, she’s greeted to the sight of A VW Bug

EXT. DIETRICH HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS