The 40 Year-Old Virgin

1.
ESTABLISHING SHOT
1 EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MORNING 1
We reveal a nondescript apartment complex in North Hollywood

California. It is not nice or ugly. It looks like every other
pleasant -looking apartment complex in the valley.
2 INT. APARTMENT - MORNING 2

ANDY STITZER, a boyish looking forty year old man, is asleep.
His clock radio goes off. It is playing oldies, which now
consists of rock ‘n' roll from the mid eighties.
MUSIC UP: "Heat Of the Moment" by Asia.
Andy sits up in bed. Not happy, not unhappy, just another
day.
3 INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING 3

Andy is doing his morning workout. He is doing bench presses.
He lifts an enormous amount of weight. His face is very kind,
and vulnerable, almost emotionless, but his body is ripped.
On a book shelf Andy has an impressive array of action
figures and comic books, all in their original packaging,
None of his vintage toys have been opened.
4 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING 4

Andy steps out of his apartment and unlocks his bicycle. His
neighbors, JOE and SARA, in their mid-eighties, wave to him
as he pedals off.
5 EXT. STREET - MORNING 5

Andy, dressed in khaki slacks and a white dress shirt, rides
his bicycle to work.
ESTABLISHING SHOT
6 EXT. CIRCUIT CITY - MORNING 6

Andy rides his bike into the parking lot of a mini-mall. The
mini-mall consists of a dozen stores on two stories.
2.
There is a Barnes and Noble book store, a Daily Grill

restaurant, a nail salon, a children's gym and a video store,
but the centerpiece is an enormous Circuit City.
7 INT. CIRCUIT CITY 7

Andy walks inside. He says hello to people as he heads toward
the stock room. Everyone politely says hello back but it is
clear he has no close relationships here.
He takes his place at a desk which is in an opening between
the showroom and the stock room. People come to him with
their receipts to get their items pulled from the stock room
and delivered to their cars.
8 INT. CURCUIT CITY - RATER 8

Andy is stamping a female CUSTOMER'S receipt. PUNJAB, an
Indian salesman, is standing nearby.
PUNJAB
It has been an honor doing business
with you. Enjoy your new television.
Watch River Runs Through It, it
looks amazing on this thing.
ANDY
Cal will you please help this woman
bring her stereo to her car.
CAL, a pudgy twenty two year-old white man walks out of the
stock room.
CAL
(not meaning it)
I'd love to.
He picks up the customer's television and walks with the
woman to her car.
Andy is walking across the showroom floor, headed for the

bathroom. He is stopped by JAY, a tall, handsome 25 year-old
salesman, who is working a 40 year-old black female customer.
JAY
Andy knows all about this stuff.
What is the main reason a flat-
screen is better than a rear-
projection?
3.
ANDY
The viewing angle is far better on a
flat-screen. Due to the liquid
crystal display, you can watch it
from any part of the room, and it's
a much better resolution.
JAY
So sure, you'll save a couple bucks
with rear-projection, but you have
more than two people over, they're
gonna have to sit on your lap to
watch TV. But maybe you like that!
The woman laughs.
Andy keeps walking. A very attractive young woman steps in

his path. He looks terrified.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
Could you help me?
ANDY
No.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
But you work here.
ANDY
Yes. I'm not a salesman. I stamp
invoices.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
I just have a quick question about
CD players.
ANDY
(quickly)
Punjab or Abujay will be happy to
help you. They're very nice. I'm. on
a bathroom break.
DAVID, a young, shorter salesman quickly runs up to the
woman.
DAVID
May I help you?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
Are you Punjab?
Punjab walks over.
PUNJAB
4.
I am Punjab. I am here to serve you.
DAVID
I was talking to her.
PUNJAB
I am Punjab, I am here to serve you,
Andy keeps walking. David and Punjab get into it.
10 INT. BATHROOM 10
Andy breathes deeply, recovering from the interaction with

this pretty woman.
11 INT. CIRCUIT CITY - LATER 11
Andy is at his post. David, Jay, and Cal are a few feet away,
having a conversation.
CAL
What about Andy?
JAY
He doesn't have any money.
DAVID
Well, we can't play poker without at
least four guys.
JAY
All right. But he's gotta bring at
least 50 bucks, or it's not worth
it.
(to Andy)
Hey Andy, are you busy tonight?
Andy is taken aback at the question. Although he's friendly
with them, they never invite him out to social engagements -
ANDY
Do we have to break down the Sony
truck?
DAVID
No, we're gonna play poker. You
wanna play poker?
ANDY
Uh, yeah, sure, that'd be cool.
JAY
5.
You know how to play?
ANDY
I play on-line.
DAVID
Well it's just like that, except
with real people.
ANDY
(trying to be hip)
So, uh, where's this going down?
DAVID
My house. I'll get you the address.
ANDY
Cool, very cool. Should I bring some
stogies? Some liquor?
DAVID
Could you stop off at Boston Market
and pick us up some chicken? Three
extra crispy, one original, two with
fries, and two with mashed potatoes,
extra gravy. Each one with corn on
the cob.
ANDY
Okay.
DAVID
I'm just fucking with you.
ANDY
I know. You think I'll pick up you
losers chicken? I'll see you guys at
the game .... but do you need food?
DAVID
No.
JAY
I hope he has money.
12 INT. DAVID'S APARTMENT - MIDNIGHT 12

The four are playing poker. Most of the chips are in front of
Andy, who is a little too dressed up for this event.
JAY
How much fuckin' online poker do you
play?
6.
ANDY
Just an hour or two a night. When
I'm not on Sims.
CUT TO:
13 INT. DAVID'S APARTMENT - LATER 13
DAVID
(throws down ONE chip)
Well, Andy, at least I feel like
I've gotten to know you better,
since you spent the last three hours
fucking me in the ass.
They all laugh.

ANDY
(giggling)
I didn't fuck you in the ass. Guys,
this has been fun. Give me a call
anytime, I'm wide open.
CAL
You know what a gentleman does after
he beats other gentleman? He takes
them out for liquor.
ANDY
I'm game.
JAY
I have to get out of here. I'm
meeting Ellen.
CAL
A little late night action.
DAVID
So you just go to her place at night
and bone her and leave? And she has
no problem with that?
JAY
No, she loves it.
DAVID
How come I can't get one of those?
JAY
Do you really want me to explain it'
to you? Because I will.
7.
DAVID
Shut up.
JAY
This girl is the best. She will do
anything. There is no filter between
what she wants and doing it.
Everything is on the table. She-is-
game.
ANDY
Sign me up for that. I'm in!
CAL
I have got to get laid. It's been
too long.
JAY
How long?
CAL
Like four months
DAVID
Who was the last one?
CAL
Jill. She was awesome. She had these
huge titties. Oh, I used to love to
bite them. I didn't even want to
have sex, I could bite those titties
all night.
DAVID
What happened to her?
CAL
She was an asshole. She was mean.
She was a miserable person, but X so
regret breaking up with her.
DAVID
Why did you break up with her?
CAL
I felt like we were in different
places in our lives.
JAY
Yeah, you were in this place where
you were having trouble getting a
job and she was in this place where
she hated your fat ass!
8.
CAL
Basically. I miss those titties.
ANDY
Titties are the best.
DAVID
I had this girlfriend, she loved the
fellatio. Anywhere we went, she
would want to do it.
CAL
Why didn't you marry her?
DAVID
We went to see Ace Ventura: Pet
Detective. And she's going for it,
and the guy who worked there saw us,
but he didn't stop it, he just
watched. It was so gross. And then I
couldn't finish...
JAY
Wait a second, was that Ace one or
Ace two?
DAVID
It was the first.one.
JAY
This story is over ten years old.
You don't have a sex story that
happened in this millennium.
DAVID
Fuck you.
CAL
That is lame.
ANDY
Ah, unbelievable. So lame.
DAVID
Then you give us a good sex story,
Andy.
Andy is stopped in his tracks.

ANDY
I don't kiss and tell.
JAY
9.
Come on, give us a good, dirty one.

The dirtiest thing you've ever done.
ANDY
I can't. I'm a gentleman.
CAL
Give me a break. You're a freak. I
can tell.
DAVID
Lay one on us.
ANDY
(after a breath)
Ok...well....I went with this girl,
she loved having sex. She was so
into it. We would have sex and she'd
be screaming, "I love it." It was so
dirty. We had sex in every room in
the house. The bathroom. It was like
you guys were saying. She wanted to
do it on the kitchen table. I came
home and she was on the kitchen
table naked 'cause she just wanted
me to nail her...
DAVID
And did you nail her?
ANDY
I nailed her so bad. We were
swinging from the chandelier. She
was crazy. It was never enough with
her. Never enough.
JAY
What was her name?
ANDY
Tan-dra. Man it was so crazy.
CAL
Sounds crazy.
ANDY
I am embarrassed to even talk about
it. God, I was really into it, too.
It was so much fun.
DAVID
Did you like to talk during sex?
ANDY
10.
She was talking the whole time. I

was hitting it big time. Just
hitting it. She could barely walk
the next day. Me so horny.
They all laugh, and look at each other, realizing Andy is
full of shit.
JAY
So you really used to do her?
ANDY
Oh, I did her so bad.
JAY
What were her tits like?
ANDY
They were good. Good tits.
CAL
Her nipples?
ANDY
Yeah. Nipples.
DAVID
What were they like?
ANDY
They were good ones.
JAY
Give us some details. Were they long
nips? Flat nips? Dark areolas? Were
they big silver dollar nips?
ANDY
They were like a dollar. Like ten
dollars.
DAVID
What?
CAL
Huh?
ANDY
Like ten times a night.
DAVID
Ten times.
ANDY
11.
Maybe twenty.
JAY
Do you last a long time?
ANDY
Oh yeah.
CAL
How long?
ANDY
An hour.
DAVID
Of screwing.
ANDY
Yeah. Sometimes a little less.
JAY
So ten times would take at least ten
hours. Do you rest in between?
ANDY
No. I don't need to.
DAVID
You start right up.
ANDY
Why not. Why waste time?
CAL
So sex with you could take a whole
day.
ANDY
Yeah. More even.
DAVID
Do you use protection?
ANDY
Sometimes. I don't really need to.
CAL
Do you use a rubber, or a sponge?
ANDY
I always use a sponge. Sometimes two
at a time. What do you guys use?
ALL
12.
Sponge.
JAY
Did you get a lot of back door
action?
DAVID
Come on, that's enough.
ANDY
That's cool. We did back door. Side
door. We were doing all the doors.
(joking)
And a couple of windows.
JAY
You have no idea what we're talking
about.
ANDY
Sure I do.
JAY
(laughing)
Oh my God.
ANDY
What?
JAY
You're a fucking virgin.
ANDY
What? Shut up. Yeah, okay. Tell
Tandra that. If.I'm a virgin
Tandra's a virgin, too.
JAY
You are.
ANDY
Not since I was ten, my friend.
JAY
Unbelievable.
ANDY
Ha. That's funny. This is fun. When
did you guys lose your virginity?
JAY
No, no, no. You've never popped your
cherry.
13.
DAVID
Leave him alone.
JAY
What?
DAVID
Don't be mean.
JAY
I'm not being mean. He's a virgin. I
want to help him. I want to get him
laid.
CAL
Yes. Let's get Andy laid.
ANDY
Come on guys. Very funny.
JAY
I am gonna make it my mission to get
you laid.
DAVID
Be cool.
JAY
I am gonna be Andy's best friend.
I'm Andy's pimp. We're gonna change
your life,
CUT TO;
14 INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT 14

He is pacing around furiously. It looks like he is talking to
his unwrapped action figures.
ANDY
They know, they know, they know.
They'll forget by tomorrow. They
were just screwing around.
(beat)
Oh no! Dammit. Oh no. Oh no.
15 INT. CIRCUIT CITY - NEXT DAY 15

Andy walks in, hoping nobody remembers.
ANDY
Good morning, David.
14.
DAVID
Morning, Andy.
ANDY
Good morning, Cal.
CAL
Good morning.
He sees Jay. Oh no.
ANDY
Jay.
JAY
Morning, Andy.
Andy smiles. They forgot. It is in the past. Haziz walks up

to Andy,
ANDY
Morning, Haziz.
HAZIZ
We've got to get you some pussy.
(turns to female salesman)
This boy needs to get laid.
ANDY
Good morning, Debra.
Andy runs to the stockroom, and closes the door, and breathes
deeply, almost hyperventilating. Jay walks in.
JAY
Tonight, after work, you're coming
out with us. And it's gonna happen.
He exits. Andy is white as a ghost.

CUT TO:
16 EXT. STREET - DAY 16

Andy is running down the street at full speed. We see David
is chasing him. He finally catches up to him on the median
strip of Ventura Blvd.
DAVID
Andy, stop. Just talk to me. You're
gonna get killed out here.
They sit on the center divider.
15.
ANDY
I don't want to go out with you
guys.
DAVID
Just relax, you don't have to do
anything.
ANDY
I'm busy tonight. I have plans.
DAVID
You don't have to go out with us
tonight if you don't want to.
ANDY
I'm forty years old, you can't tell
me what to do.
DAVID
Andy. Just relax.
ANDY
This is bullshit. This is total
bullshit, man.
DAVID
I'm sorry.
ANDY
You've invaded my privacy. This
isn't funny. It's my life. I'm fine.
My life is fine.
DAVID
Okay. It's fine. We just thought,
maybe you needed a little push.
ANDY
I don't need a push. You ever think
that some people find sex sacred?
It's not a game. This is a choice.
DAVID
To be a virgin. I'm sorry. I didn't
realize you were so religious.
ANDY
Well, I am. Okay I'm not. But it's
my own personal choice.
DAVID
Okay, but why would you make that
choice?
16.
Andy starts crying, his is mouth open in a silent scream, but

no noise come out.
DAVID
Breathe Andy, breathe.
ANDY
There's more to life than sex. I
don't need sex. Why is that so
important to everyone? What's the
big deal?
DAVID
If you're happy with the way your
life is, then fine, but you have to
ask yourself, are you happy? Don't
you ever wonder if there's something
more out there?
ANDY
I lead a pretty full life.
QUICK FLASHES OF ANDY'S LIFE
--Working out
--Buying action figures
--Building an elaborate model
--Going to sleep. The clock says 9:15 PM.
BACK TO SCENE
ANDY
What am I missing?
DAVID
I don't know. You're not just
missing out on sex, you're missing
out on relationships. How often do
you even leave your apartment? What
about friends and love and taking
chances? And most of all, you're
missing out on sex. What are you
crazy, that's the best thing on
earth. You can't live your entire
life and not experience that. Hiding
from that is shutting’ you down from
everything else.
ANDY
You know, we've been working
together for three years, and I
17.
think this is the first time we've

ever had a conversation that lasted
longer than fifteen seconds.
DAVID
See, good things are happening
already.
ANDY
So what can I do?
DAVID
Come out with us tonight. No
pressure. We'll just have some fun.
ANDY
I don't want to have sex with anyone
tonight.
DAVID
Don't worry. You won't have sex with
anyone tonight.
17 EXT. CITY STREET - DAY 17

Andy is walking home. Everything he sees seems sexual. It is
as if he has seen all of this for his entire life but never
noticed it before.
He sees--
A normal looking middle aged WOMAN walking down the street.
He looks away as if she is pure sex.

A gorgeous eighteen year old GIRL with no bra and a low cut
T-shirt.
He turns away and tries to hide at a newsstand. He looks
down.
QUICK CUTS--every cover is of a gorgeous, busty woman.
He walks away and stops at a bus stop, just wanting to get

home. The bus pulls up and on the side of it is a billboard
of a perfume ad with a naked man and a naked woman. We only
see their bodies, no faces. It could not be dirtier.
Andy panics and starts running down the street. As he runs
the bus pulls out and is driving at the same rate of speed-
as Andy. He can not escape this dirty billboard no matter how
fast he runs. Finally the bus stops at the next light and he
loses it, but immediately a new bus drives parallel to him
18.
with an even dirtier billboard of a couple, bodies naked and

intertwined, clearly doing something he's never done.
Andy cuts right and starts running through a neighborhood -
He cuts through houses and lawns. He sees two DOGS having
furious sex on a lawn. He cuts into the woods and runs and
runs.
18 INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT 18
Andy runs in and closes the door. He lies down on his bed and
turns on the TV. He channel surfs. Every commercial and
program has something filthy on it.
-A soap opera with people kissing.
-A commercial for Viagra.
-Paris Hilton almost naked on Entertainment Tonight.
-Teenagers making out on MTV.

-A dirty rap video with tons of barely dressed women and a
ripped rapper.
He shuts the TV and closes his eyes as tightly as humanly
possible.
Suddenly we hear the sounds of his elderly neighbors
laughing, then having very loud sex. The wall behind Andy
bangs and shakes. Then stops. Then bangs and shakes even
louder.
Andy runs into the bathroom.
19 INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 19

Andy turns on the water, flushes the toilet, puts his fingers
in his ears and closes his eyes.
ANDY
(to himself.)
Everything's gonna be ok. Everything
is gonna be ok.
20 INT. BAR - NIGHT 20

Jay, David, and Cal are talking to an overdressed Andy.
JAY
19.
David told me to be sensitive, so I

am going to be sensitive with you.
It is important that you lose your
virginity, you are forty years old.
Enough is enough. This is a hump you
just need to get over. Are you ready
to try?
ANDY
David said I didn't have to have sex
tonight.
JAY
David was wrong. You do.
DAVID
Come on, Jay.
ANDY
Tonight? No.
JAY
Yes, tonight. What's the difference
between tonight and any other night?
ANDY
Ok, I'll try, but...
CAL
It's easy. Just do what I do. Only
hit on drunk chicks.
ANDY
I can't take advantage of someone
when they're drunk.
CAL
It's not taking advantage of them.
People drink so that they have an
excuse to do the things they really
want to do.
DAVID
That's why I drink...and smoke
pot...
ANDY
I don't know. This doesn't feel
right.
JAY
Yes, you do know. You've got to get
this behind you. And it all starts
now.
20.
CUT TO:
21 INT. BAR - LATER 21

Andy, Jay, David and Cal are huddled. Jay hands Andy a beer.
JAY
Just walk up to a woman, but if
she's not drunk, just move on. It's
not worth wasting your time.
Andy walks around the bar, scoping out women.
ANGLE ON
A table filled with pretty, young women.
WOMAN# 1
I just need to get laid tonight.
It's as simple as that.
WOMAN#2
You've been working so hard at work,
you deserve to just have some fun.
You never do anything wild.
WOMAN# 1
Tonight I'm going wild. The first
nice guy that even talks to me, I'm
gonna take him home and rock his
world.
WOMAN#2
You go, girl.
Andy walks up to the table.
ANDY
Good evening, ladies.
LADIES
Good evening. Hi.
The other woman move off so Woman #1 can talk to Andy. They
give her the eye like "this is the one."
ANDY
How are you doing tonight?
WOMAN# 1
Great. And you?
ANDY
21.
Never better. Can I buy you a few

drinks?
WOMAN#1
I'm not really much of a drinker.
But why don't you sit down?
ANDY
No thanks. It was nice to meet you
though. Have a good night.
He walks away. She doesn't understand what just happened.
ANDY
(to David)
She wasn't drunk. Man, this is gonna
be hard.
CUT TO:

CLOSE UP: ANDY
ANDY
I like what I do, I just don't know
if managing a stock room is what I
dreamed of doing when i was in high
school.
We pull out and reveal that he is talking to a DRUNK WOMAN
who is passed out, face down on the bar.
David walks over.
DAVID
(looks at the girl)
That's drunk.
ANDY
Oh, ok.
DAVID
Come hang out with us. We're
partying with these girls who are
having a bachelorette party.
ANDY
Are men allowed at those?
DAVID
Shut up. Come on.
22.
As Andy walks away, he turns to the drunk woman.

ANDY
It was nice talking to you. Have a
good night.

The guys are hanging out with eight drunk women, who are
throwing their friend JILL a bachelorette party. The table is
littered with empty glasses and filthy adult novelty items.
Jay is playing with one of the vibrators. He talks into it
like it is a phone.
JAY
Mr. President. We have a situation
in the erection room.
Everyone is laughing hysterically. Cal has edible underwear
on his face and he is eating through it.
CAL
It tastes like chicken.
They are laughing so hard, as only drunken people can laugh
at semi-humorous jokes.
DAVID
This guy will eat underwear that's
not even edible.
They laugh. Andy puts a huge fake penis on his head, trying
to join in on the fun.
ANDY
Hey, look at me. I have a huge penis
on my head.
They give him a look and a little chuckle, then go back to
their business.
CUT TO:
It is a little quieter now. Everyone is a little drunk,

except Andy who holds the same beer which he has not taken a
sip out of. Andy is talking to a pretty blonde, NICKY.
NICKY
(drunk)
23.
The guy Robin's marrying, Jimmy, is

such a good guy. I hated him for two
years cause he cheated on this other
friend of mine. But he's really
changed. He's a good guy now.
ANDY
That's good that she's marrying a
good guy.
NICKY
She deserves it. We all do. We've
all been friends since we were six.
Isn't that sick?
ANDY
That's nice to have good friends
you've known for a long time.
NICKY
You have kind eyes.
ANDY
Thank you. You have —
She kisses him hard on the mouth. Lots of tongue. When it
ends, Andy looks like he doesn't know where he is.
NICKY
This is getting lame. Let's get out
of here.
Before Andy can say anything, she pulls him up and is walking
him towards the exit. Andy looks back at his friends, who are
so excited that they are high fiving and giving him the
thumbs up.
25 EXT. BAR 25
ANDY and NICKY are getting into NICKY's car.
NICKY
Are you drunk?
ANDY
No, not really.
NICK
Blow into this.
NICKY holds up a rubber hose that is somehow attached to the
dashboard.
24.
ANDY
(Not understanding.)
...Sure, OK.
ANDY blows into the rubber tube. NICKY puts the keys in the
ignition and starts the car.
NICKY
Thanks!
Off of ANDY'S confused look we cut to:
26 INT. CAR 26
NICKY is driving.
NICKY
(mid-conversation)
...He's like, "You are such a B-I-T-
C-H,“ pardon my French, and I'm
like, "Shut up, you loser." "I hate
your guts." "I hate your fucking
guts." Pardon my French. You know
what I mean? God, I hate people who
are stupid assholes. They are such
assholes. You know?
ANDY
Yeah, I hate that. Ass...
NICKY
Who's your name again?
NICKY is clearly drunk.
ANDY
Andy.
NICKY
Andy, let me tell you something.
Don't ever be named Dan. Because Dan
is a jerk name.
ANDY
Okay.
NICKY
I am Total Cereal. Dan is a bad
person name. Dan rhymes with man and
men jerk off, and he was a jerk off.
You know what I mean?
ANDY
25.
I think so.
NICKY'S driving becomes increasingly erratic.

ANDY
(noticeably uncomfortable)
So where do you live?
NICKY
Not with jerk-o. No fuckin' way,
baby. I did my time. He's someone
else's problem now...Do you think
I'm pretty?
She turns to ask the question and runs through a red light.
Two cars narrowly avoid a crash.
ANDY is' quickly appreciating the danger of this situation.
ANDY
(reaction to near miss)
Oh, God. Yes. Crap.
NICKY
Look at me. You're not looking at
me. Come on. Look at my face. Do you
think I am pretty?
NICKY is looking at ANDY. Her eyes don't even glance at the
road. ANDY'S eyes are glued to the road, filled with abject
terror.
NICKY
(screaming)
LOOK AT ME!
ANDY
(screaming)
YOU'RE PRETTY. YOU'RE SO PRETTY. I
WANT TO LIVE.
NICKY
Thank you. You know if you men would
just offer up a nice compliment like
that every once in a while, there
would be no poverty.
ANDY looks puzzled.
NICKY
You're cute. Kiss my mouth.
ANDY doesn't move
26.
NICKY
Get over here.
NICKY forcefully pulls him to her.
ANDY is now practically sitting on NICKY'S lap. He looks down
the road, she looks at him.
NICKY
I like you. You're not a jag...
She pauses to vomit a little in her mouth.
NICKY
...Off.
NICKY kisses him.
ANDY
Maybe I should drive.
NICKY
(playfully)
You don't know where I live.
ANDY
You could tell me.
NICKY
Hey, that's awfully forward of you.
NICKY begins tonguing ANDY'S ear.
ANDY
(laughing)
That tickles!
ANDY is now trying to help NICKY steer the car.
She is giggling while tonguing, he alternates between

laughter and paralyzing fear as the car narrowly avoids
striking pedestrians, other cars, trees etc.
Finally, NICKY looks up.
NICKY
(casually)
Oh, this is me.
NICKY pulls the steering wheel hard and the car does a
complete 360 and comes screeching to a halt between two
parked cars, in front of a nondescript apartment building.
NICKY
27.
We're here.
NICKY looks deep into ANDY'S eyes.
NICKY
My Mom's staying over tonight, so
let's just do it here.
NICKY starts to take off her shirt.
ANDY
Maybe I should be moseying home.
NICKY starts to cry. She then abruptly begins to laugh. Then
she vomits on ANDY.
NICKY
I am so sorry. I think I ate some
bad shellfish sandwich.
NICKY continues to take off her clothes and kiss Andy.
NICKY
Hurry up, then we can get breakfast.
ANDY is clearly repulsed and traumatized.
ANDY
I really need to get going.
We see that NICKY has vomit on her cheek.
NICKY
Ok, fine, your loss.
ANDY
I'm just gonna go, I think. Thank
you. I had a really nice time.
NICKY
I'll give you a lift.
NICKY puts the car in drive and smashes into the parked car
three feet in front. The second car hits a fire hydrant which
then blasts water through the open window of a nearby
apartment.
NICKY
Oh my God! I can't believe that I
smashed my neighbor's car, and that
his car ran over the fire hydrant,
and that the fire hydrant ruined the
inside of that apartment...not
28.
again. You have to switch places

with me.
ANDY
What?
NICKY
If this goes on my record, I'll lose
my licence, I won't be able to get
to work, I'll lose my job.
NICKY starts to cry again.
NICKY
Please ... PLEASE! PLEASE... Mr.
"Not ' Dan Guy."
In the distance, we hear sirens and see the glow of flashing
lights.
NICKY
Just change seats with me. Please,
"Not Dan Guy."
ANDY
I don't want to get into trouble.
NICKY
You won't "Not Dan," you won't. Do
you have a record?
ANDY
No...
NICKY
Then you'll be fine, believe me, I
know how this works. They'll act all
serious and scary, and then they'll
let you off with a warning.
(beat)
And don't act suspicious, there's a
gun under your seat. It's my ex's.
They quickly switch seats. A POLICE OFFICER leans his head
into the car.
ANDY
Good evening, Officer.
POLICE OFFICE
Everyone alright here?
NICKY
29.
He was driving the car. He said he

was fine to drive.
(to Andy)
Liar!
Off of Andy's shocked look we...
CUT TO:
27 INT. HOLDING CELL - NIGHT 27

The cell is small and is packed with at least thirty
hardcore looking criminals. We hear them cursing at each
other. It sounds like a gang fight is about to explode. The
camera pans across the faces and finally finds Andy, looking
terrified and slightly bruised.
28 INT. CIRCUIT CITY - MORNING 28

Andy is in a rage as he complains to David, Jay and Cal--who
can't stop laughing.
ANDY
It's not funny.
DAVID
Tf it wasn't you, you would admit it
was funny.
ANDY
You know why it happened? Karma. You
don't hit on drunk girls. It's not
right.
CAL
It's so right.
ANDY
There's got to be a better way that
works.
CAL
I haven't found it.
JAY
We didn't tell you to switch seats
with her when the cops came.
ANDY
I was trying to be a gentleman.
DAVID
30.
Why did you even let her drive in

the first place?
ANDY
Because I wasn't thinking straight.
You got me so rewed up about
(whispers)
Having sex
(normal voice)
That I didn't use my brain.
CAL
Sounds like you didn't use anything
else. Did anything eventful happen?
ANDY
She threw up on me.
They explode with laughter.
ANDY
Keep laughing, because this is over.
JAY
Easy. No it's not. We just need a
new approach.
DAVID
How about..,and I know this sounds
crazy..we set him up with girls that
haven't been drinking heavily?
JAY
I don't know.
ANDY
Well I do. I want to meet a nice
girl. Maybe even someone I actually
like. I am not an animal. I do not
want to prey on people. I want to
find someone who will like me for
who I am.
JAY
First of all I think that's a
mistake. But if that's what you
want, then we are gonna have to make
some changes with you. Some real
changes.
MUSIC UP:
MONTAGE OF ANDY GETTING A MAKEOVER
31.
29 INT. HAIR SALON - DAY 29

Andy is getting a haircut. When he looks at his haircut, it
is meant to be short and a little European, but the coolness
of the haircut makes him look silly. The guys look at it and
smile. Andy looks happy with it.
30 INT. HAIR WAXING STATION - DAY 30

Andy lays on his stomach on a table. A WOMAN pours hot wax on
his back, lets it dry for a moment, then RIPS it off --
leaving a huge strip of whiter-than-white skin in the middle
of his hairy back.
QUICK CUTS
*She strips off several more hunks of hair from his back and
chest.
*We see tears of pain coming down Andy's face. This could not
hurt more.
*Finally Andy, red faced and miserable, stops her as she is
about to pull off a huge strip.
He gets up and starts putting on his shirt. Only two thirds
of his body hair has been removed, and he looks insane.
31 INT. CHESS KING MEN'S STORE - DAY 31

Andy comes out of the dressing room wearing a Eurotrash
shirt. The guys like it. He is a new man.
CUT TO:
32 EXT. MINI MALL - DAY 32

Jay, Andy and David are walking to get coffees.
JAY
You look good.
DAVID
Better than good. Oddly good.
JAY
Now you need to learn how to talk to
women.
ANDY
32.
I get nervous and I lock up. I never

know what to say.
JAY
The key is, you don't say anything.
Make them talk.
ANDY
How do you do that?
JAY
Just ask them questions. Girls love
talking. Let them.
ANDY
What if they ask me a question?
JAY
Then answer their question with a
question.
DAVID
It makes you seem mysterious. You
talk too much about yourself, you
look needy. Put them on the spot.
They walk by Brentano's book store. There is a pretty BLONDE
in her mid-twenties putting books on a shelf.
JAY
Go give it a test run.
Andy hesitates. David pushes him. Andy relents.
33 INT. BRENTANO'S - CONT. 33

Andy walks inside and approaches the blonde woman. He looks
at her .badge, which says BETH on it.
She turns and sees Andy. He acts very confident.
BETH
Can I help you?
ANDY
I don't know. Can you?
She smiles.
BETH
Are you looking for something?
ANDY
33.
Is there something I should be

looking for?
She is instantly on the spot. For the first time, he actually
has the upper hand.
BETH
We got a lot of great new books in.
■ It depends on what you like?
ANDY
What do you like?
BETH
Me? I don't know.
ANDY
Do you know?
BETH
To tell you the truth, I don't read
much. So I can recommend a book, but
I would just be...bullshitting.
ANDY
Thanks for not bullshitting me...?
BETH
Beth. And what's your name?
ANDY
It's Andrew.
BETH
Don’t tell on me, Andrew.
ANDY
I won't. Unless you want to be told
on?
She smiles. He walks out, cock of the walk. His friends, who
have been listening, walk out after him.
34 EXT. MINI MALL - MOMENTS LATER 34

JAY
That was incredible.
ANDY
It felt good, not having to talk
much.
DAVID
34.
That's the key. Make them feel weird

so you don't have to.
JAY
You like her?
ANDY
Yeah, but...she can't be the one.
DAVID
Why not?
ANDY
‘Cause it will be bad with the first
one. What if I want to,..make her my
girlfriend? She won't do that if
it's... terrible.
JAY
Now he wants a girlfriend? I like
this. We're making some progress.
35 INT. ANDY'S HOME ~ DUSK 35

Andy is cleaning up the already clean apartment when the
doorbell rings. He answers it. It is David.
ANDY
Hey. How did you know where I lived?
DAVID
It's on the staff list at work.
What, you're not going to invite me
in?
Andy lets David in. David is carrying a plastic bag.
DAVID
I just came by because I was
thinking, it seems like you have
kind of shut yourself
down...sexually speaking, and I
wanted to help you open yourself up
again.
ANDY
I don't know. I am not into that.
DAVID
What? No. Are you serious?
ANDY
What?
35.
DAVID
What did you mean?
ANDY
Nothing.
DAVID
I just brought some movies and stuff
over that I thought would help
you...re-energize that side of
yourself.
CUT TO:
36 INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - DUSK 36
They are watching TV. They both sit on the couch, but at far
opposite sides.
ON THE TV
The dirty scene from The Blue Lagoon.
DAVID
This is good, huh?
Andy looks really uncomfortable.
CUT TO:
ON THE TV
The Brittany Spears "Slave" video.
The Christina Aguilera "Dirty" video.
Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone have sex in 'Basic
Instinct.'
Michael Douglas and Glenn Close have sex in 'Fatal
Attraction.'
Michael Douglas and Demi Moore have sex in 'Disclosure.'
ANGLE ON ANDY AND DAVID
DAVID
This has got to be working for you.
Do you feel the animal in you coming
back to life? Is the bear waking up
from his hibernation?
36.
Andy can't handle it anymore. He takes the tape out and hands
it to Andy.
ANDY
I think you should go now. I am
getting very uncomfortable.
DAVID
Don't act like I am the weird one.
This is how God created us. To be
horny. You are denying his wishes.
ANDY
I am not denying anything, I just
think you should go now.
DAVID
Andy, you are 'like all of these
action figures you collect.
He pulls a GI Joe off of the wall. It is in its original box.
DAVID
You are all sealed up, in the
original packaging. You've never let
your true self out.
David opens up the box. Andy squeals.

ANDY
You are not supposed to open that.
DAVID
Yes you are, so you can play with
it.
David pulls GI Joe's pants down, revealing a smooth flat
crotch area.
DAVID
Don't wind up like Joe here. You
stay in the box too long and your
dick falls off.
ANDY
He never had a dick!
David exits.
DAVID
You did. Once. What happened?
Andy closes the door on him. He paces around his house.
37.
FLASHBACK
We see Andy as a TEENAGER. He lays on a bed as a gorgeous
young GIRL takes her top off and then jumps on him.
GIRL
I can't believe you haven't done
this yet. You are gonna love it.
She stops and suddenly looks disappointed and a little
annoyed.
GIRL
Jesus Andy, what's the matter with
you?
ANDY
Nothing, I just got excited. Wait,
it'll happen again.
GIRL
Not with me. I am not gonna have sex
with someone who is done before I
take my shirt off.
ANDY
I'm sorry.
VI XTCJJ
You should be. I was gonna fuck your
brains out.
PRESENT DAY
Andy paces around. He realizes that David left some of his
tapes there. He puts one in.
ON THE TV
The film 9 1/2 Weeks.
ANGLE ON ANDY
It is clear what he is about to do.
ANGLE ON THE TV
The sex scene with all the food plays out.
CLOSE UP OF ANDY'S FACE
He smiles, totally relaxed and relieved.
CUT TO:
38.
37 EXT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 37
David is knocking on Andy's door. The door opens and Andy is

standing there looking like he just had the greatest orgasm
of his life. His face looks completely relaxed, he walks as
if he has no energy left in his body.
DAVID
(looks at him)
My God, I have been gone for one
minute. I just got to my car and
realized I forgot some of my movies.
ANDY
I'll get them for you.
DAVID
No. You can keep them.
ANDY
I'm sorry.
DAVID
Nothing to be sorry about. Mission
accomplished. You are alive!!!
38 EXT. ALL STAR SPORTS BAR - PARKING LOT 38

Andy, Jay, Cal and David are walking from their cars to the
restaurant. There is a huge banner hanging on the building
which says, "WELCOME SPEED DATERS."
ANDY
Speed dating? I don't know.
JAY
It's just like regular dating, but
you eliminate all of the fat. The
talking and the waiting for the
lights to come on to see if she's
good looking.
DAVID
You get two minutes with each girl.
You meet twenty girls in forty five
minutes. It would take you a year to
meet that many women.
CAL
More like a decade.
He laughs and lifts his hand for a high five. Nobody high
fives him.
39.
CAL
That wasn't so bad.
ANDY
I'm scared. I don't do well under
pressure.
JAY
Just do what I told you to do. Ask
them questions. Put them on the
spot.
JAY
You have a better chance of getting
them to like you if they are feeling
awkward and insecure about
themselves.
CAL
All I need is for one girl in twenty
to dig me. I can work with these
odds.
DAVID
When it's over you tell them which
girls you like, they tell you if any
of those girls want to get to know
you better. And if there are any
matches you guys exchange phone
numbers. Or emails. I'm not sure.
ANDY
Do you think this will work?
DAVID
Any girl who does this must be
desperate, so we are in luck.
ANDY
(to Jay)
Don't you have a girlfriend?
JAY
Not today.
39 INT. ALL STAR SPORTS BAR - MOMENTS LATER 39

All of our guys are sitting at different tables. There are
twenty tables and a man and a woman sit at each table.
A BUZZER GOES OFF
ON ANDY'S TABLE
40.
Andy is talking to a BITTER WOMAN.

ANDY
Hi, my name is Andy. What's your
name?
BITTER WOMAN
My last boyfriend was a cheating
asshole. I hope you're not like
that.
ANDY
I don't think I am.
BITTER WOMAN
I am just sick of the bullshit.
ANDY
I'm sick of the bullshit.
BITTER WOMAN
Fucking men.
ANDY
You are preaching to the converted.
BUZZER GOES OFF
All of the people move one table over, switching partners.
Andy looks over to his friends, terrified.
CAL
(to Andy)
Isn't this awesome?!
ANDY
No!
ON JAY'S TABLE
Jay talks to a gorgeous BORING GIRL.
BORING GIRL
But I don't see myself as a model, I
am much more creative than that. But
I like to travel and it gives me
time to focus on my writing. I am
writing a book about modeling.
Jay stares at her body.
JAY
You are fascinating.
41.
She smiles.
BUZZER
ON CAL'S TABLE
Cal is talking to an unattractive FIFTY YEAR OLD WOMAN who
looks like a butch lesbian. Me looks miserable.
BUTCH LESBIAN
So I said to myself, maybe I do like
guys. How will I know if I don't
ever give it a shot? Maybe it's not
as gross as I thought it was.
BUZZER
ON DAVID'S TABLE
David is talking to a BLACK WOMAN. For some reason he is
talking like a gangster.
DAVID
(like a Wigger)
And I don't play that shit, dog. I'm
all about the benjamins. Treating my
woman real good. Giving her the
sweet bling bling. I don't mess with
no ho's either. No bitches for this
player. I love ladies with a capitol
Lizz-el. What up with you?
When the black woman replies she speaks in a normal, educated
fashion.
BLACK WOMAN
Well, I see what you are saying, and
I appreciate your candor, but I have
one question. What the fuck are you
talking about?!
BUZZER
ON CAL'S TABLE
Cal is talking to a VERY YOUNG WOMAN. They are getting along
great.
CAL
You are so sweet. We should go out
some time.
VERY YOUNG GIRL

42.
I would love to, but not on a school

night. This is my junior year of
high school and I need to keep my
grades up if I want to get into a
good college.
CAL
How old are you?
VERY YOUNG GIRL
Sixteen,
(whispers)
I snuck in here, but don't tell
anyone.
Cal thinks for a beat, then reluctantly gets up and gets one
of the people running the event,
CAL
I'm sorry, but this young lady
should go. She's sixteen.
VERY YOUNG GIRL
What?!! What are you, a faggot?!
She storms out. Cal looks bummed.
BUZZER
ON ANDY'S TABLES
Andy is talking to a woman with tons of scary looking
TATTOOS.
ANDY
I find tattoos to be beautiful. I
like art.
TATTOO WOMAN
I guess you could say I am addicted.
Guys like to kiss me, but they get
really into kissing Satan.
She reveals a tattoo of the devil on her upper chest.
CUT TO
QUICK CUTS of Andy's short dates. Each one cut off by the
buzzer. There are transition shots of him changing tables.
GIRL
Do you like oral sex?
ANDY
43.
By oral do you mean...phone sex?

Buzzer.
ANDY
I guess I love Jesus. I don't not
love him.
Buzzer.
ANDY
I think I am kind. I am not mean.
Oh, you want me to be mean?
Buzzer.
ANDY
I think marijuana is fine. If you
like it. I am not a regular smoker.
I smoked it two times, about eleven
years ago. Actually someone forced
me to smoke it. By force.
Buzzer.
ANDY
No, I have not had sex with two
girls at the same time. Not two.
Buzzer.
ANDY
I don't care if you have been to
prison. As long as you learned your
lesson.
Buzzer.
ANDY
I like to cuddle. I think.
Buzzer.
ANDY
I went to college. Jr. college. I
did not get a degree. There were no
degrees. Actually it was a technical
college. Technically it was an arts
and crafts class at summer camp.
Buzzer.
ANDY
44.
I never cheat on women. I am quite

monogamous. To myself even.
Buzzer.
ANDY
Do I think I could love you? It's
hard to know now...
Buzzer.
ANDY
Do I snore? I don't know. How would
you know?
Buzzer,
ANDY
I like riding bikes. I ride my bike
to work.
(beat)
I don't have a car.
The woman gets up and leaves.
ANDY
(genuinely concerned)
Are you okay?
Buzzer.
ANDY
How much do I have in the bank? Are
you allowed to ask me that? □k,
eleven thousand dollars.
Buzzer.
ANDY
Do I think women should work? If
they want to. You don't want to
work? Ever?
Buzzer.
ANDY
I don't hit people, even if they do
like it. I would feel weird about
that. But I am not judging.
Buzzer.
ON DAVID'S TABLE
45.
David sits down at a table and sees his ex girlfriend, AMY.

She looks pissed.
DAVID
I am just here to help out a friend.
AMY
Bullshit. You are so gross’ I am so
glad I broke up with you.
DAVID
I'm gross?! You're here. You're
gross.
AMY
I am not here to get laid. I am here
to find a nice man.
DAVID
At speed dating?!
AMY
This just makes me realize I made
the right decision.
DAVID
And I made the right decision
accepting your decision. Skank.
AMY
Pinky dick.
The buzzer goes off. They switch tables. Suddenly Amy is
sitting across from Andy. She looks enraged.
ANDY
(sensing danger)
Hi, I'm Andy.
(beat)
I'm gonna be quiet now.
The buzzer goes off and they walk off.
40 EXT. PARKING LOT 40
The guys are walking to their cars, going over their

scorecards.
JAY
At least four I think would do me
right now.
46.
CAL
Which four?
DAVID
That was a good group. Eleven had
big boobs. Four had good boobs. And
five had small boobs. Overall, a
nice turnout. What did you think,
Andy?
Andy can barely talk he is so flustered from this experience.
DAVID
Andy, are you okay?
ANDY
That was...too much. Too fast. Very
fast. Didn't like. I'm gonna go
home.
41 INT. CIRCUIT CITY - DAY 41

Jay walks over to Andy.
JAY
Come out to the floor.
Andy walks out on the floor. Cal and David are-there. Also
standing there is the FLOOR MANAGER, PAUL.
PAUL
Andy, I am short a man today, so I
need you to be a salesman this
afternoon.
ANDY
What? I am not a salesman.
PAUL
Nobody knows the equipment like you.
I have been thinking about it, and I
think your destiny is on the floor.
The Indian salesman, Aboojay, walks over.
ABOOJAY
What?!! We need no salesman. I sell.
This is bullshit.
PAUL
This is not bullshit. And I
recommend you show some respect or
47.
you will be selling...something

else... somewhere else.
ANDY
He's right. I haven't earned the
right.
PAUL
What are you talking about? You have
worked here longer than me. Longer
than anyone. It would be fair if you
were my boss.
ANDY
Thank you, but no thank you.
PAUL
(gets annoyed)
Andy, I am trying to get you laid.
The guys said you needed to get
women. There is no better singles
bar than that floor. It is a chick
magnet. So accept my kind invitation
before I rescind it.
ANDY
Thank you.
PAUL
Enjoy.
Paul walks away.
ANDY
Guys. I appreciate you doing this,
but I have to admit, I am really
scared. I am not good at talking
with women. It was hard enough when
they were drunk. And that didn't
even turn out well.
DAVID
Come on. Fear the fear and do it
anyway.
ANDY
You are right.
JAY
The floor is hopping. Look, we've
got a gorgeous young blonde at nine
o'clock. A red head at twelve. And a
brunette goth hotty at three. Take
your pick.
48.
ABOOJAY
This is wrong. Very wrong.
CAL
Come on, he needs to be with a
woman.
ABOOJAY
I don't care about that. Just don't
fuck with my customers. My customers
are my customers, not your
customers. You fuck with them, I
fuck with you.
Jay pushes him away as if he is five years old.
JAY
Aboojay, get the fuck out of here.
Go have a hamburger.
(to Andy)
Ready.
Andy takes a deep breath, nods and heads out onto the floor.
He sees the GORGEOUS BLONDE. He walks toward her with a look
of determination. As he gets within five feet he starts
walking faster, turns a corner and walks up to an OLD MAN.
ANDY
(to the old man)
Good afternoon. And how may I help
you?
OLD MAN
I am looking for a TV.
ANDY
Well, you are talking to the right
guy.
Jay, David and Cal watch with disappointment.
DAVID
When he's done with him we'll get
him to talk to a girl.
DISSOLVE TO:
42 INT. CIRCUIT CITY - AN HOUR LATER 42

Andy is talking to the old man, only now he has several boxes
in front of him. Equipment Andy has sold him.
49.
CAL
He's been working that guy for an
hour.
DAVID
He filibustering so he doesn't have
to talk to a girl.
DISSOLVE TO:
43 INT. CIRCUIT CITY - ANOTHER HOUR LATER 43

Andy is walking with the old man to the stock room where Andy
takes his ticket.
ANDY
This man is getting a DVD player,
VCR, Tivo, surround sound speakers
and a flat screen television with
high definition capabilities.
OLD MAN
Thank you, young man. You are the
best salesman I have ever met. You
were such a help.
ANDY
You're sure you don't need anything
else? Possibly a car stereo.
OLD MAN
Not today. But thank you. I'll be
back.
The old man walks off. Andy looks relieved. Right . then a
very pretty forty five year old WOMAN walks up to hint
WOMAN
Excuse me, can you help me?
Andy is flummoxed.
ANDY
Help? You? Uhm. I was about to take
my break.
WOMAN
It won't take long.
ANDY
Okay.
TRISH
50.
Hi, I'm Trish.

ANDY
Andy...is my name.
CUT TO:
44 INT. CIRCUIT CITY - LATER 44
Andy is nervously helping Trish.

ANDY
You don't want this VCR.
TRISH
Really? I heard this was the best
one.
ANDY
It's not, really. VCR technology is
very simple. Basically, no- VCR is
that much better than another VCR.
The expensive ones don't give you a
better picture, they just look
cooler, and have more buttons which
you would never use.
Andy points out a standard looking VCR.
ANDY
This one has the features you need
and it is a third less than the
cool-looking one. Unless you really
want a cool-looking one. Then you
should get this one. 'Cause it does
look cool. It's black. Has a lot of
lights.
TRISH
Looks are not a factor.
ANDY
Great. Then we have found what you
need.
The old man that Andy was helping previously walks over to
Andy.
OLID MAN
Excuse me. Is there anyone who can
help me set up what I bought?
OLD MAN
51.
I am not very technically minded.

And quite frankly, I can barely see
my own hand.
ANDY
Where do you live?
OLD MAN
Right down the street on Moorepark.
ANDY
I can swing by on my way home from
work and set it all up if you like.
OLD MAN
How much would that cost me?
ANDY
Nothing, It would be my pleasure. I
would enjoy it.
OLD MAN
That's very kind of you.
ANDY
You're doing me the favor. I like
hooking up TVs and stereos. It's
like solving a big puzzle.
OLD MAN
Thank you. Maybe I could bring in
something for you to eat.
ANDY
And maybe I will gladly eat it. Just
give your address to the man at the
stock room.
The old man walks off. Trish looks at Andy. Andy looks at
Trish. She stares at him for a moment, trying to figure him
out. She likes something about him. As she figures out what
to do about it, Andy gets nervous.
ANDY
Well, have a good day.
TRISH
Andy. It's Andy, right?
ANDY
Last time I checked.
(nervous laugh)
TRISH
52.
Do you want to go out some time?

ANDY
(swallows)
Excuse me?
TRISH
I don't mean to be forward. I'm
sorry.
ANDY
No. Don't be sorry.
TRISH
I just...I don't know, I thought it
might be fun. You seem like a good
guy.
ANDY
I would love to. That seems like
something I would like, and...yeah.
In fact, I was just about to ask
you.
TRISH
I beat you to it.
ANDY
(nervous laughter)
Yes you did.
TRISH
Great. This'll be fun. And don't
worry, I'm not going to ask you to
set up my VCR.
ANDY
I would do it.
TRISH
I was joking.
ANDY
Oh. Okay.
(not getting it)
But I would do it.
They smile at each other.

Andy is telling David and Jay what happened.
53.
DAVID
See, I told you this was the move.
JAY
Who's the girl?
Andy points to Trish who is paying for her VCR.
JAY
Her. Oh man, you hit the jackpot.
She is a waitress next store. I went
out with her two years ago, and she
is ready to go.
ANDY
Now I don't want to go out with her.
JAY
I didn't do anything. We just had
one kiss.
ANDY
Oh, okay.
When Andy looks the other way Jay gestures with his hips that
he had sex with Trish. When Andy turns back he stops.
JAY
Good for you, man. This is good.
46 INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT 46

Andy and Trish are eating dinner.
TRISH
That's so funny that we work in the
same mini mall and we have never
seen each other.
ANDY
I've seen you. I eat at the
restaurant you work at on Monday's.
TRISH
Really? Every Monday?
ANDY
Yeah. I would eat there more, I just
don't want to get sick of it.
TRISH
Have I ever waited on you?
54.
ANDY
Maybe a couple of times.
It is clearly way more than a couple of times.
TRISH
How long have you worked at Circuit
City?
ANDY
Nine years.
TRISH
Wow. Do you like it?
ANDY
Not really. But it's a good job.
TRISH
What would you like to be doing?
ANDY
I have a collection of antique toys.
I would like to open a store that
sells those kinds of things. Maybe
some comic books. I don't know if
I'll ever be able to do it.
TRISH
Sure you will. You could do
anything.
ANDY
That's nice of you to say. What
about you?
TRISH
I want to work at that restaurant
for the rest of my life. I have no
goals or dreams. They've all been
drained out of me.
ANDY
That's not true.
TRISH
I just want to be happy. I don't
care what I do, I just don't want it
to be too hard. Less hours. I guess
what I am saying is I want to
retire.
Andy laughs.
55.
TRISH
(sweetly)
What is with you?
ANDY
What?
TRISH
There is something about you. I
can't tell what it is.
ANDY
Is it bad?
TRISH
I think it's good. But I don't know.
Are you for real?
ANDY
I'm real.
TRISH
Good.
CUT TO:
47 INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - DAY 47

Andy and Trish walk in the apartment.
TRISH
Can I get you a cocktail?
ANDY
Sure. Do you have orange soda? It's
okay if you don't. Most people don't
buy orange soda on a regular basis.
I don't know why. It's really good.
Out of the blue, she kisses him hard on the mouth. The kiss
lasts a long time. At first he doesn't know what to do, but
after about ten seconds, he actually participates.
When she stops kissing and looks at him, he could not be
redder. He is stunned, but there is happiness in there.
TRISH
Let's go in the other room.
48 INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER 48

56.
Trish jumps under the covers. She pulls off her shirt then
reaches under the sheets and removes her pants and underwear.
TRISH
Come on.
ANDY
Oh. Okay.
Andy gets under the covers with all his clothes on and kisses
Trish, who is now completely nude. He seems to be getting the
hang of it. There is a lot of pent-up energy there.
TRISH
Wow, you really like kissing.
ANDY
I do.
TRISH
Take off your clothes.
ANDY
Really?
TRISH
Is this too fast? I never do this.
ANDY
No.
Andy takes his pants off, but strangely, leaves on his shirt.
Probably to cover his bad wax job.
Trish shuts the lights. They kiss passionately. She takes off
his shirt.
TRISH
Do you have protection?
ANDY
I don't like guns.
She laughs.
TRISH
You have a silly sense of humor.
Don't worry, I think I have
something.
She reaches into the drawer in the end table and pulls out a
small whicker basket filled with condoms. She clearly has sex
57.
often enough to need this basket. Andy does not pick up on

this.
TRISH
Put one of these on.
Andy stares at the basket, not sure what to do. He has never
worn a condom. He slowly takes one out. He reaches under the
sheets, and we can't see what he is doing but it is obvious
that he is tearing the wrapper open and attempting to put the
condom on.
Something goes wrong. He struggles.
ANDY
It tore. I need another one.
He grabs another one. The same thing happens. For reasons
which are not clear, he can not figure out how to get this
condom on properly.
Andy attempts this many more times. In quick cuts we see him
struggle with at least a dozen condoms as he gets more and
more frustrated with this process. Each time he fails, he
tosses the condom and the wrapper on the floor next to him.
Finally he gets one on.
ANDY
There you go. Sorry about that. I
always have trouble with those
things. I haven't used 'em much.
(beat)
My last girlfriend took pills.
TRISH
I'm sure it will be worth the wait.
Now they go at it more passionately. It seems like it is
going to happen when-~
THE DOOR OPENS - THE LIGHTS GO ON
MARLA
What is going on in here?I
We reveal Trish's sixteen year old daughter, MARLA. Standing
next to her is her boyfriend MARK.
TRISH
What are you doing?
ANGLE ON
58.
A stack of condoms and torn wrappers.

ANGLE ON MARLA - STARING AT THEM
MARLA
What are you doing? I can't believe
you are allowed to have sex but I'm
not I That is sooo unfair!!!
She slams the door and exits.
ANDY
I should go.
TRISH
No, it's okay. I just need to talk
to her.
ANDY
No, I should.
He kisses her then quickly gets out of bed and begins putting
his clothes on. We see his insanely bad wax job has left
random strips of hair on his body. He puts his clothes on and
exits.
TRISH
I'm sorry.
ANDY
Don't be.
He runs out. Traumatized again.

Andy rides his bike to work. He looks confused and consumed.
Everywhere he looks he sees sexual images; billboards, people
walking down the street, etc.
He drives into the parking lot of the mini mall where Circuit
City is located. As he is locking his bike, he sees Beth, the
girl from the bookstore, walking from her car to work.
BETH
Good morning.
Andy thinks. He remembers what he is supposed to do with her.
Ask questions.
ANDY
(after a beat)
59.
Is it a good morning?
BETH
I hope it is.
ANDY
Hmmm.
BETH
Some days I am just not in the mood
to work.
ANDY
What are you in the mood to do?
BETH
(flummoxed)
Oh, I don't know...
ANDY
You don't know? Or do you know?
She thinks he is being sexy, but he has no idea what he is
saying.
BETH
You're bad.
ANDY
Are you bad?
Andy walks off. She looks like she is about to have an
orgasm. As she walks toward the bookstore where she works she
almost trips.

Andy is selling a stereo to an UNATTRACTIVE MAN. There are
pretty girls in the store, but Andy has let the other
salesmen handle them. Jay walks over to Andy.
JAY
Don't worry about what happened last
night.
JAY{CONT’D)
Tonight I am having a party at the
Holiday Inn. Room 313. It's gonna be
earth-shattering. Be there. Are you
free?
ANDY
I think so.
60.
JAY
I was kidding. I know you're free.
Jay walks off.
51 EXT. HOLIDAY INN - NIGHT 51

Andy rides his bike up to the front of the hotel.
52 INT. HOLIDAY INN HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 52

Andy walks down the hallway looking for the room. When he
finds it, the door is cracked open. He enters.
53 INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 53

Andy looks around the suite. There is nobody in sight.
ANDY
Hello.
He turns to leave. A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN comes out of the
bedroom.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Hello.
ANDY
Are you here for Jay's party?
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Yes.
ANDY
Where is everybody? Are we early?
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
No, we're right on time.
ANDY
Then everyone is late. That's not
very polite.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Come sit down.
Andy sits on the couch. She sits down right next to him.
Andy does not know what to make of this.
ANDY
61.
So where do you know Jay from?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
We just met the other night. You're
handsome.
ANDY
Thank you. You're pretty.
She puts her hand on his knee.
ANDY
What's going on?
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
The party is getting started.
ANDY
Nobody else is coming?
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
I'm all the party you need.
ANDY
Oh my God.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Don't be nervous. I'll take good
care of you.
ANDY
Are you a...prostitute?
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
I'm whoever you want me to be. I can
be a prostitute, or I can be that
sweet innocent girl you had a crush
on in high school. You know, the
cute one who never looked at you but
now she realizes she made a mistake
and wants to make up for it by
sucking your cock.
Andy backs away to the other side of the couch. She follows
him.
ANDY
Oh God. Did Jay do this?
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
They're good friends. They just want
you to have a good time. Don't
worry, I've been with virgins
before. It's okay that you know
62.
nothing, because at the end of

tonight you are going to know
everything. You're gonna do
everything. Nothing is off limits.
They paid extra for that.
ANDY
How much are they paying you?
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Five hundred for two hours.
ANDY
I will give you six hundred dollars
to leave now. Or we can find someone
else that you can have sex with. I'm
sure we can find someone to use that
credit on.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
You don't have to have sex with me.
I've been paid. If you want I can
just go home now. No skin off my
apple.
ANDY
(feels bad)
No, no, no. I'm sorry. I've insulted
you. Maybe I'll want to have sex.
Let's just slow down. Maybe there is
something else we can do for a
minute.
CUT TO:
54 INT. HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER 54

They are laying on the bed watching "Lord Of The Rings" on
pay per view.
ANDY
This is better. This way we can
watch the movie.
ANDY
Get to know each other a little,
then maybe we can do something.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
How long is this movie? I only have
two hours.
ANDY
63.
It's three and a half hours.

The prostitute know what this means, and relaxes. There will
be no sex tonight. She starts watching the movie.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Who's that guy?
ANDY
(more relaxed)
That's the hero of the story. He
doesn't know it, but it's his
responsibility to save the world.
They start watching the movie.
CUT TO:
55 INT. HOTEL ROOM - THREE AND A HALF HOURS LATER 55

The prostitute is asleep. The credits are rolling on the TV.
Andy gets off the bed and looks at her. She looks sweet when
she is asleep. He gently kisses her on the cheek, looks at
her again, then walks out the door.
CUT TO:
56 INT. CIRCUIT CITY - NEXT MORNING 56

Andy is talking to Jay, David and Cal.
CAL
And then what did you do to her?
ANDY
I was like, if this is paid for then
I am gonna get my money's worth!
DAVID
That's my man!
ANDY
So I took her from the front. I took
her from the back. I took her from
the side.
JAY
You did the side.
ANDY
64.
Both sides! She was screaming. She

was like, "I want to have more sex
with you. Let's continue to do this
dirty sex."
CAL
How was her ass?
ANDY
It was so... perfectly in
proportion. And when I took off her
panties ... they were all filled
with baby powder and--
JAY
Oh Goddammitt 1 Nothing happened!
ANDY
I did her. Did her...big time did
her.
CAL
That cost us five hundred bucks.
DAVID
Shut up, you kicked in twenty bucks.
CAL
Sorry if I'm not as rich as you.
JAY
This is bullshit. I give up. There's
no helping you.
ANDY
Buying a streetwalker is not helping
me. I told you I wanted to meet a
nice girl. Someone I might even
like. I am not a pig like you guys.
JAY
No, you are certainly not. You are
pure as the driven snow, and you
plan on staying that way.
DAVID
Lay off, Jay.
JAY
No, I tried to do him a favor. You
know how hard it was to find her.
Someone I thought he might like.
That took work. And does he
appreciate it? No.
65.
CAL
Does she owe us one? I mean she took
the money.
DAVID
No.
CAL
Shit.
ANDY
I'd appreciate it if you took your
nose out of my business!
Beth is walking outside of the store with a FRIEND from work.
She sees the guys arguing, but does not hear the words. From
her point of view it looks like Andy is bossing them around,
and she finds it very attractive.
ANDY
I may be a virgin, but you're the
ones who need to grow up! Life isn't
about sex, it's about being a good
person. And I would rather treat
people well than stick my wiener in
'em. And I say that proudly. And if
you don't like it,' then I'll get
some new friends. That is if I ever
really was your friend.
A FEMALE CUSTOMER walks Up.
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Can anyone help me?
ANDY
I'd be glad to.
Andy walks off. The guys look depressed. Outside the store
Beth turns to her friend.
BETH
That guy is so hot. I could eat him
up.
57 INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - EVENING 57

Andy walks in, pets his cat, then checks his messages.
ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi, this is Trish. I hope you don't
mind me calling you. Your friends at
66.
work gave me your number. I feel bad

about what happened the other night
and wondered if you would let me
make it up to you.

Andy and Trish are having dinner.
TRISH
I am sorry I didn't tell you I had
kids.
ANDY
Why didn't you tell me?
TRISH
Most guys don't want to go out with
a "mother."
ANDY
Why not?
TRISH
Are you serious?
ANDY
Yeah.
TRISH
Then I won't tell you. No need to
put ideas in your head.
ANDY
How many kids do you have?
TRISH
(pause)
Two.
ANDY
How old are they?
TRISH
Six, twelve and...twenty six.
ANDY
That's three.
TRISH
Oh. Is it?
They laugh.
67.
ANDY
You must have been really young why
you had the twenty six year old.
TRISH
Why do you say that?
ANDY
Because you are so young now.
TRISH
Are you full of shit or is this
real?
ANDY
Why do you keep saying that?
TRISH
(kind of kidding)
Because if you're for real, I'm
gonna fall in love with you.
Andy blushes.
TRISH
I'm sorry. I'm just goofing with
you.
ANDY
I know.
It is clear she is not goofing.
70 .
TRISH
I was thinking, if we go out any
more, that we shouldn't have sex.
ANDY
Uh-huh.
TRISH
I just think it complicates things
too much, and then you never get to
really know someone because that is
always confusing things.
ANDY
It's very confusing.
TRISH
Does that bother you?
68.
ANDY
Hmmm. Let me think about that. I see
what you are saying. Obviously I
want to
(whispers)
Do it.
(normal voice)
But I can see your point. If we
don't have sex, we can really get to
know each other.
TRISH
And if that works out, then we can
have sex. Like really have sex.
They laugh.
ANDY
Just tons and tons of sex.
They both laugh. Andy could not be more relieved to have the
pressure taken away.
TRISH
(charmed)
You're doing it again.
ANDY
What?
59 INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT ~ LATER 59

Andy and Trish are watching television. Her daughter, Marla,
comes inside with Trish's six year-old daughter JULIA.
MARLA
(covers eyes)
Is it safe to come in or are you
doing it?
TRISH
It's safe. Marla, Julia. This is
Andy.
MARLA
(uninterested)
Hello.
Julia nods shyly.
ANDY
Hi.
69.
MARLA
We came home because we got bored
and couldn't think of anything else
to do.
JULIA
Can we watch TV?
TRISH
No. You've watched enough television
for today. Why don't you guys read?
MARLA
I am so sick of reading. That's all
we do all day at school.
ANDY
Hey. Let me show you something. Do
you have a quarter?
Marla digs out a quarter. Andy puts it in his palm and shows
the two of them. Then he closes his palm and opens it. It i s
gone.
MARLA
You're not doing magic, are you?
JULIA
I love magic. Where did it go?
Andy puts his hands out again, opens them and it is back.
Then he puts it in one palm, closes it, and it is two
quarters. -Julia squeals with delight.
JULIA
How did you do that?
ANDY
I don't know, it's, uh...magic.
Andy closes his hand, opens it and they are gone, then opens
the other hand and there are three quarters. Then he closes
his hands, opens them, and the quarters are gone but the
other hand has a dollar bill in it.
JULIA
That's crazy. How did you learn how
to do that?
ANDY
I have a lot of free time.
Trish smiles. He is great with her kids.
70.
JULIA
Can you show me how to do it?
ANDY
The magicians code says I am not
allowed to say how tricks are
performed.
Julia frowns.
ANDY
But who cares about magicians?
They're creepy anyway. If they get
mad, I'll punch them in the nose.
Julia laughs and Andy starts showing her how to do the trick.
Marla can't help but like him. Trish beams.
60 EXT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 60

Andy is saying goodnight to Marla.
TRISH
Aren't you glad we didn't do it?
ANDY
So glad. Let's never do it.
She laughs.
TRISH
Okay.
ANDY
Do you want to go out again?
TRISH
Uh...
(quickly)
YES.
ANDY
Like in, I don't know, fifteen
minutes?
TRISH
Or tomorrow.
ANDY
Tomorrow it is.
71.
Andy leans in, and for the first time in the film, he is the
instigator of a kiss. It is short but sweet and heartfelt.
Andy walks off. He looks happy.
CUT TO:
61 EXT. CITY STREETS - NIGHT 61

Andy drives his bike home. He can not wipe the smile from his
face. He occasionally giggles.
CUT TO:

Andy is talking with David, Jay and Cal by the water cooler.
JAY
This is a huge mistake.
ANDY
Why?
JAY
She has three kids.
ANDY
So?
CAL
At least we know she's had sex.
DAVID
At least three times.
They laugh.
ANDY
I don't care. I like her.
JAY
What about Beth from the bookstore?
ANDY
I don't know. I want to see what
happens with Trish. I am only one
man. I can't go out with everyone.
DAVID
I love this guy. He's already got
more women than he can handle.
72.
JAY
I don't mean to ruin this for you,
but I had sex with her. On a first
date.
Andy stares angrily at him.
ANDY
So? What is that supposed to make me
not like her--because she made one
terrible mistake?
David and Cal crack up.
CAL
Oooohl Andy is burning you.
The store manager, Paul, walks over.
PAUL
Andy, I just got back the numbers
from the last few weeks. You are our
number one salesman by far.
ANDY
Really? That's great. Well, I've
been having a great time.
PAUL
Maybe you will have an even better
time now that I have made you the
floor manager.
ANDY
Me?
PAUL
That's right. Now all these
jackasses are working under you.
Enjoy.
ANDY
Thank you.
Paul exits.
ANDY
(looks at them)
Well, what are you sitting around
for? Get out there and make some
sales.
Jay glares at him. David and Cal smile. Punjab walks by them.
73.
PUNJAB
This the bullshit of all bullshits.
ANDY
No backtalk or you're gonna be
gone...
(nervous)
My friend.
PUNJAB
I am sorry...sir.
Punjab heads out onto the floor. Andy is feeling good.
JAY
You're getting in too deep.
ANDY
You have no idea what you are
talking about.
CUT TO:
IN TOO DEEP MONTAGE

Andy rides his bike with Trish. They are having a blast.
64 INT. TRISH'S KITCHEN - DAY 64

Andy makes the family homemade ice cream. They are all eating
it out of the ice cream maker, happily.
We meet Kim, Trish's twenty six year-old daughter.
ANDY
I can't believe you are her
daughter. You look like sisters.
KIM
One of us should be insulted. I
think it's me.
ANDY
I didn't mean...
KIM
No, I'm kidding. My mom is gorgeous!
Trish hugs Kim. They are very close.
74.

Andy is riding a huge grown up tricycle with Trish's six
year-old daughter, Julia. She likes Andy.
66 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 66

Andy is showing Trish's kids some collectible action figures.
We see him hesitate, then take a scissor and open up the
never before opened boxes they are housed in. He hands one to
each of them.
67 EXT. MOUNTAIN TRAILS - DAY 67

Andy is riding mountain bikes with Trish's sixteen year-old
daughter Marla. She is impressed by how good he is at the
sport.
68 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT 68

Andy and Trish are kissing.
TRISH
I love kissing you because you are
so in the moment. It's like you
enjoy it so much, you don't want to
do anything else.
ANDY
I don't.
TRISH
You are so sweet.

Andy, Trish, Julia, Marla and Kim are riding down the street.
ANDY
Let's race!
They all ride directly at camera as fast as they can. Andy is
the winner.

Jay looks upset as he speaks to an ANNOYING MALE CUSTOMER.
75.
ANNOYING CUSTOMER
If I buy it, will you throw in a CD
carrying case?
JAY
Uh...okay, fine. So, I will write
this up for you and--
ANNOYING CUSTOMER
Hold on. I think I'm gonna need you
to throw in an extended warranty. On
the house.
JAY
I can't do that.
ANNOYING CUSTOMER
Then I am going to have to take my
business elsewhere.
JAY
Fine. Beat it.
ANNOYING CUSTOMER
Okay, I will take it.
JAY
Now you can't have it. Any of it.
Sorry.
ANNOYING CUSTOMER
What? That's not fair.
JAY
Oh yeah. Well life isn't fair. I
just added a hundred dollars to the
price. I can do anything.
ANNOYING CUSTOMER
You're an asshole.
JAY
Now the stereo costs ten thousand
dollars. Will that be Visa or
American Express?
ANDY
Is there a problem here?
CUSTOMER
Yeah. This jack off is trying to
charge me ten thousand dollars for
this stereo.
76.
ANDY
Is that true?
JAY
Yes it is. Actually not. It's a
million dollars. Not fair huh? Life
can be like that.
ANNOYING CUSTOMER
Fuck this.
JAY
No, fuck you. You can't always get
what you want. Next time you won't
think you get to make the rules
because in this house I make the
rules, bitch!
Andy walks Jay into the stock room.
71 INT. STOCK ROOM - DAY 71

ANDY
What's going on?
JAY
Jill broke up with me.
ANDY
I'm so sorry. What happened?
JAY
She just lost her mind.
He starts crying.
JAY
It's so unfair.
ANDY
I'm so sorry.
JAY
She caught me with this girl and she
lost her mind. It wasn't that big a
deal. It's so unfair. To throw out
six years over some skank.
Cal walks in. Jay instantly acts like he is not crying, even
though’there are tears pouring out of his eyes.
JAY
77.
I just think that we should be

pushing the Bose speakers more
because they are clearly of a higher
quality.
Cal realizes something is wrong and exits.
JAY
{the moment Cal is gone)
Oh, fuck me, fuck me! Now I know why
people kill themselves. I really
understand.
ANDY
Well maybe you shouldn't have
cheated on her.
JAY
I know. I know. But it is so unfair
for her to not allow me to learn
that lesson.
David walks in to get something. Again Jay acts like nothing
is wrong, his face covered in tears.
JAY
I just think I am stronger when you
put me in afternoon shifts. I get
groggy in the morning,
David exits.
JAY
I have nowhere to go. We were living
together, but she dumped all my
stuff on the street.
ANDY
You can stay with me.
JAY
Thank you, Andy. You are a great
man.
Jay hugs Andy.
JAY
I am sorry I ever gave you a hard
time. You were right about
everything. You should never let sex
run your life. Never.
Punjab walks in and sees them.
78.
PUNJAB
This is why I am getting all the
shit shifts. This is the bullshit of
all bullshits.
He storms out.

Andy knocks on the door and enters. Trish hurries over to
him.
TRISH
I'm so glad you're here. I need your
help.
ANDY
Sure. What is it?
TRISH
Can you take Marla to Planned
Parenthood? She wants to go on the
pill.
ANDY
Me?
TRISH
Her father is dead set against it. I
am too. But I thought maybe you
could bring her down there just to
get some information. Maybe we could
delay her for a little bit while we
figure out what to do.
ANDY
Isn't she a little young to go on
the pill?
TRISH
She's sixteen. And she won't listen
to me. I told her she should wait
till she's much older to have sex,
but it's hard for me to say that
when I had a kid at seventeen. So I
thought maybe she would listen to
you.
ANDY
I don't know if I am the right
person to do this.
TRISH
79.
Yes you are. She has no issues with

you. She likes you. Gosh, this was
so much easier when we were young.
ANDY
Yeah.
TRISH
When we were kids, you just did it.
It was fun. It was no big deal.
There weren't all these horrible
diseases. Now the whole thing is
terrifying.
ANDY
Truly terrifying.
(beat)
Not like when we were young.
TRISH
I lost my virginity at fourteen.
ANDY
Me too. Fourteen years old. So
young. So very young.
TRISH
Now I wish she held onto it till she
was like, fifty.
ANDY
That's crazy talk.
TRISH
You'd really be coming through for
me if you did this. I wouldn't
forget it.
ANDY
Won't she be uncomfortable?
TRISH
No.
ANDY
I would think it would be very
uncomfortable.
TRISH
I don't know where else to turn. I
don't want her to ruin her life.
It'll be fine.
CUT TO:
80.
73 INT. CAR - DAY 73

Andy is driving a sullen-looking Marla to Planned Parenthood.
MARLA
This is so gross.
ANDY
What?
MARLA
You taking me here.
ANDY
I don't mean it to be gross. Your
mother thought you needed someone to
talk to.
MARLA
Andy, you're a nice guy, but you're
practically a stranger. I don't want
to talk about sex with you.
ANDY
Either do I. I know it's
embarrassing, but you need to inform
yourself. I think that is very
important before you make a life-
changing decision. 'Cause once you
have sex, there is no turning back.
You will never be the same again,
and what if you want to go back? But
you can't. There are no time
machines. The pandora's box will be
open.
MARLA
Okay, I get it. Stop trying to freak
me out. I'll listen.
CUT TO:
74 INT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD - DAY 74

Andy and Marla sit across from JUDITH, a counselor.
JUDITH
Coming here was a very smart thing
to do. A lot of young people act .
without thinking. Carefully
considering your options is a very
responsible way to act. You should
be proud of yourself.
81.
MARLA
Would it be weird if I just asked
you for the pill right now?
JUDITH
A sense of humor is an effective
weapon in high school. I'm sure it
serves you well.
ANDY
I was trying to tell her that there
is no reason that she needs to
engage in sexual activity at such a
young age.
JUDITH
That's true. Your virginity is a
gift. A gift you shouldn't be so
quick to give away.
ANDY
I completely agree.
JUDITH
There are plenty of activities you
can engage in without having sex
that can be fun and safe.
ANDY
(interested)
What kind of activities? I'm sure
she's interested in knowing.
JUDITH
Well, instead of having intercourse,
you might want to try outercourse.
MARLA.
Outercurse. Uch. What's that?
ANDY
Yeah, what's that?
Andy is leaning forward in his chair, way more interested
than Marla.
JUDITH
Outercourse is anything that isn't
vaginal intercourse. It can be just
having fun in a non-sexual way with
your friend. Or it can be kissing.
^JDY
Kissing is nice.
82.
JUDITH
And there are many ways to be sexual
without intercourse — such as body
rubbing, which you might call “dry
humping."
ANDY
See, you can do that.
JUDITH
Masturbation, mutual masturbation.
ANDY
What's that?
JUDITH
That's when you both masturbate at
the same time.
ANDY
(to Marla)
You could do that instead.
JUDITH
There's deep kissing, erotic
massage, oral sex play, role-
playing, and sharing fantasies with
a partner.
ANDY
So there are a lot of things you can
do instead of sex.
JUDITH
It's only limited by your
imagination.
MARLA
I think I'm gonna vomit.
JUDITH
That's very funny, but this is
serious business. Outercourse offers
nearly 100 percent protection
against pregnancy.
ANDY
That's a plus. I didn't know that.
JUDITH
Outercourse can also greatly reduce
the risk of HIV/AIDS and many other
sexually transmitted infections —
unless body fluids are exchanged
83.
through oral or anal intercourse.

But some infections, like herpes and
HPV, can be passed by skin-to-skin
contact.
ANDY
This is fantastic. What would
someone do about performance
anxiety? 'Cause I am sure Marla and
her friend are worried that their
sex won't be satisfying, and then
the unsatisfied partner might fly
into a rage and break it off with
the inadequate partner.
JUDITH
Sex takes practice, but there are
many techniques to extend the amount
of time that a man can maintain his
erection. Including visualization
techniques and a personal favorite
of mine, which is called pinching.
What a woman does is, right when her
man is about to ejaculate she
pinches his--
MARLA
I've got to get out of here.
ANDY
Marla1
she runs out to the car.
ANDY
Can't you just let her finish?!
(to Judith)
I'm sorry. You have a lot of this
information on your web site, right?
75 INT. CAR - DAY 75

Andy and Marla are driving home.
ANDY
I thought that was very informative.
MARLA
Can we not talk? I think I'm gonna
be sick.
ANDY
Well, what do you think?
84.
MARLA
I think I don't want to have sex
ever.
ANDY
I'm with you.
76 INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT 76

Andy is talking to Trish.
TRISH
I don't know what you did, but she
has completely changed her tune.
ANDY
It wasn't really me. She is a smart
kid. Once she got all the right
information, she knew what to do.
TRISH
Thank you. You'd make a great dad.
ANDY
You think so.
TRISH
I know so. I've seen it.
ANDY
(nervously)
Well, I better get going. It's been
a long day.
TRISH
Stay.
ANDY
I can't. I've got to...go to work in
the morning.
TRISH
I'll make it worth your while.
ANDY
(shocked)
Trish.
TRISH
She's not allowed to do it, but we
are.
85.
Andy is cornered. He isn't sure what to do. He doesn't want

to do it, and he doesn't want to debate it. He thinks, then--
ANDY
You crazy chick. I'm gonna have to
give you one of their pamphlets.
He giggles nervously at his own joke and exits before she can
react.

Andy is with a FEMALE customer. He is more confident than we
have ever seen him.
ANDY
You could go that way, but for the
extra money you are getting a
product that will be the centerpiece
of your home.
FEMALE CUSTOMER
I don't know.
ANDY
Well, don't decide today. As I
always say, there is nothing wrong
with delaying an important decision.
FEMALE CUSTOMER
You know what, I'm gonna go for it.
ANDY
Great. I will write it up for you.
He walks to the register. Trish walks over to him.
TRISH
Hi, honey.
We reveal David, Jay and Cal watching this exchange.
ANDY
Oh, hi. What are you doing here?
TRISH
I knew you were working a long shift
today, so I brought you a healthy
lunch, and look. I found you the
cutest sweater. She holds it up. It
is in fact a cute sweater.
ANDY
86.
I love it. Thank you.

He gives her a quick kiss.
TRISH
Well, I have a lot of errands to
run. Marla and I are going shopping
for prom dresses. I'll see you for
dinner.
ANDY
Not if I see you first.
He laughs at his bad joke. She exits. The guys walk up to
him.
DAVID
How's that healthy lunch?
David and Cal laugh.
CAL
Yeah. Is it healthy?
DAVID
You need to stay healthy if you want
to fit into that cute sweater.
ANDY
Guys. Come on.
DAVID
You are in deep.
JAY
So? Maybe he likes it.
CAL
Do you even know what you have done?
You are dating a woman with two
kids.
ANDY
Three. One is twenty six. Lives in
Ohio. Has a one year-old boy.
Jackson.
CAL
So she's a grandmother.
ANDY
I didn't say that.
CAL
87.
She has a kid. That makes Trish a

grandmother .
JAY
Lay off him. He has fallen for this
woman. And he is happy. That's all
that matters.
CAL
Don't get all soft because your girl
dumped you.
JAY
She didn't dump me. We are giving
each other some space.
DAVID
I'm not saying it's wrong, but I am
saying, you better make sure this is
what you want. As soon as the
Tupperware and the sweaters come
out, it is over. You are as good as
married.
ANDY
Maybe that's what I want.
CAL
Well, getting married would be a
good way to avoid sex.
They all laugh.
CAL
I read that in a "Cathy" cartoon.
JAY
You are such a fag.
CAL
Cathy is funny!
78 INT. ANDY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 78

Andy and Trish are watching the very end of a film.
ANDY
That was a good movie--
Trish starts kissing him.
TRISH
Let's do it right now.
88.
ANDY
Do what?
TRISH
Have sex.
ANDY
Oh, that goes against our agreement.
TRISH
Fuck that agreement, I want you
right now. I can't take it any
longer.
She puts her hand on his crotch.
ANDY
Maybe we shouldn't have intercourse.
TRISH
Huh?
ANDY
We're just letting our hormones
think for us. Let's have
outercourse.
TRISH
What is outercourse?
ANDY
Mutual masturbation. Rubbing on each
other with our clothes on. Fooling
around without exchanging fluids.
It's fun and it's responsible.
TRISH
■What the fuck are you talking
about? Are you high?
ANDY
No, I am respecting you.
92 .
TRISH
I knew there was something about
you. You're too mellow. Are you on
oxycotin?
ANDY
No!
TRISH
89.
Do you think I'm unattractive? Old?

What the hell's the matter with me?
What the hell's the matter with you?
ANDY
Nothing. We had an agreement.
TRISH
Not forever.
ANDY
Well you can't just break the
agreement without talking to me
about it.
TRISH
I am talking to you about it now.
ANDY
Well I am saying I want to think
about it.
TRISH
For how long?
ANDY
A couple of weeks. What's the rush?
TRISH
Because I am in love with you.
She waits for him to reply in kind, but he is stunned. He is
mainly thinking "if I say I love her, which I do, she will
want to.have sex with me. What to do?"
TRISH
(she counts)
Two, three, four, five. Fuck!
ANDY
What?
TRISH
If someone doesn't say it back in
five seconds, there's trouble.
Anything after that is bullshit.
ANDY
You can't put that kind of pressure
on someone.
TRISH
If you love someone, there is no
pressure. I knew I shouldn't have
90.
said that.
ANDY
That's not true.
TRISH
Wow, you still haven't said it.
ANDY
What is going on? Where is this
coming from?
TRISH
You fucker. Don't play head games
with me.
ANDY
What? I'm not playing.
TRISH
You are not just playing with me. I
am part of a family. If that sucks,
tough shit, that's just how it is.
ANDY
Who's complaining?
TRISH
Get out. Just get out. You liar.
ANDY
I didn't lie.
TRISH
Yes you did. You're not who you said
you were.
ANDY
Who did I say I was?
TRISH
You said you were the one. But the
one would have passion for me. Would
want me. Would love me. He wouldn't
always be moving away just a little
when I touched him. It's cruel. So,
just get out!
Andy is pushed out the door.
79 INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 79

91.
Andy enters his apartment. Jay is there packing up his

things.
ANDY
What happened?
JAY
Me and Jill are getting back
together. She's pregnant.
ANDY
With your kid?
JAY
Yeah, with my kid. That's why she
broke up with me. Because she found
out she was pregnant, and she didn't
know if I would be a good dad in
light of the fact that I cheat on
her all the time.
ANDY
So this is good?
JAY
It's the best. I love her sooo much.
This was meant to happen. I was
meant to be with her and to be the
father to this child. I will never
screw around again. I am so lucky.
ANDY
(sadly)
I am so happy for you.
JAY
Did something happen?
ANDY
I'm sorry. I don't mean to ruin your
good news. I'm just sad 'cause Trish
wants to have sex.
JAY
That's what you wanted.
ANDY
No, she really wants to have sex.
Like right now. What do I do? If she
finds out I am a virgin she won't
like me anymore. She will think I am
a loser.
JAY
92.
No, she won't.

ANDY
She will. What kind of man doesn't
have sex for forty years? And I am
about to turn forty one. If I turn
forty one without having sex, that's
really pathetic.
JAY
Then don't tell her. Just have sex
with her. Give it to her really
good.
ANDY
I don't know how to do that.
JAY
You might get lucky. You might be
good.
ANDY
Really?
JAY
Well, since you have forty years of
sexual energy stored up, there is a
chance that it might not last very
long.
ANDY
This is what I was worried about. If
I am honest, she'll think I am
defective. If I have sex it will be
bad and she won't want to be with
me. I'll never get a second chance.
JAY
Hold on, relax. I am going to give
you some advice right now. And I
want you to just take it because I
know what I am talking about. I took
my girlfriend for granted. I didn't
appreciate her. I didn't accept that
she was the best person could ever
dream of. And because of that, I
almost lost her. But now that I have
been honest with her, we are going
to have a long life together. And a
child.
So you think I should just tell her
everything.
JAY
93.
No. I think you should get it on

with that girl Beth from the
bookstore. Pay attention. Learn as
much as you can, then use that
knowledge with Trish.
ANDY
That doesn't sound ethical.
JAY
What, she likes you. She wants you.
You would be giving her something
she wants. What's unethical about
that. You area't asking her to marry
you so you can steal her fortune.
ANDY
That makes sense.
JAY
I think it is what Trish would want.
ANDY
Thank you, Jay. I know I have been
tough on you, but without your
advice I wouldn't have gotten this
far.
JAY
Thanks. That means a a lot to me.
Now go get that girl. And when
you're done--go get your girl and do
her!
CUT TO:
80 INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY 80

Andy walks over to where Beth is putting away books.
ANDY
Hey.
BETH
Hey.
ANDY
I was going to ask you to hang out
after work tonight, but I heard you
were busy.
BETH
Busy with what?
94.
ANDY
Busy hanging out with me after work.
She is not sure what this means, but she smiles. She likes
him.
CUT TO:

Trish, Marla and Julia are decorating the house. A banner
reads "HAPPY FORTY FIRST BIRTHDAY ANDY."
Trish starts putting frosting on a cake.
TRISH
Come on, hurry up. I want everything
to be perfect when he gets here.
JULIA
He is gonna be so surprised.
CUT TO:
82 INT. ANDY'S BATHROOM - DUSK 82

Andy is preparing for his date.
Quick Cuts:
*Andy irons his socks and underwear.
*Using a hand mirror to see his back, he waxes some stray
strips of hair.
*Andy puts deodorant on his underarms, and his palms.
*Andy trims his nose hair. Then plucks his uni-brow.
*Andy opens his mouth. He is wearing the teeth whitening
strips made by Crest. He takes them off, then smiles at the
results. Then he scrapes his tongue.
*Andy pulls a Biori strip off his nose. He looks at it, then
grimaces in disgust.
*We reveal that Andy's entire face is covered with Biori
strips. He starts peeling them off.
*Andy opens a very large box of condoms and puts one in his
wallet. He has to discard lots of other business and credit
cards to make room for it.
95.
CUT TO:
83 INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 83

Trish, Julia and Marla are sitting at the kitchen table
waiting for Andy.
TRISH
This is so unlike him. He always
comes straight over from work.
They hear a noise at the door.
TRISH
Shhhh. That's him. Come on.
They all walk to the door. Trish throws it open.

EVERYONE
Happy Birthday!!!!
We reveal that it is an ASIAN MAN who is putting a menu for a
Chinese restaurant in their mail slot.
DELIVERY MAN
Thank you. You three weeks late.
CUT TO:

Andy sits across from Beth. Both are kind of dressed up.
ANDY
Do you like working at the
bookstore?
BETH
Yeah. It's really quiet. We don't
have that many customers and the
ones we do have are really mellow.
Which is good because I used to work
at a restaurant, and it was really
busy and hectic, and I could never
get the orders right, so I kind of
got fired.
ANDY
You must love reading?
BETH
96.
Not really. I'm not much of a

reader. I'm more of a do-er. But
they have a great magazine rack, so
I like to read those. I know they're
not books, but some of them are
pretty long.
Andy is trying to stay interested in Beth, but it is

difficult.
CUT TO:
85 INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 85

Trish is putting on her jacket. Marla and Julia watch.
MARLA
Where do you think he is?
TRISH
I don't know, but I'm getting
nervous. Maybe someone hit him when
he was riding his bicycle over. I'm
gonna go drive the route from his
house and see if I can find him.
Trish runs out.
CUT TO:
86 INT. BETH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 86

Andy and Beth are walking in to the apartment.
BETH
Thank you for dinner.
ANDY
It was my pleasure.
BETH
Care for a drink?
ANDY
Sure.
She gets two glasses of wine. She hands one to Andy. He
drinks the entire glass down when she turns away.
BETH
I have wanted you to ask me out for
a long time.
97.
ANDY
I've wanted to go out with you for a
long time.
BETH
You are so handsome.
She stares into Andy's eyes. She is clearly waiting for a
kiss. Andy locks up. This makes it appear like he is giving
her a white hot sexual stare, but he is just terrified and
not sure what to do.
BETH
You melt me.
ANDY
(long beat)
Good.
BETH
I am gonna run a bath. Would you
care to join me?
ANDY
For a bath?
BETH
We can do more than bathe. We can
get dirty.
ANDY
(not quite understanding)
In the bath.
BETH
I am gonna eat you up.
She kisses, him on the mouth, then walks to the bathroom,

smiles at him, then closes the door.
CUT TO:
87 INT. CAR - NIGHT 87

Marla is on her cell phone talking to Jay.
MARLA
So you have no idea where he is?
JAY
(on phone-clearly lying)
No. I can't imagine where he would
go.
98.
MARLA
Well, if you hear anything, please
call me.
JAY
I will.
88 INT. JAY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 88

Jay is sitting with his girlfriend, who we have never seen
before.
JAY
I've got to go.
JILL
If you are cheating on me, I'll rip
your balls off.
JAY
I'm not going to cheat on you.
JILL
I am pregnant. If you did that, it
would be sick.
JAY
I'm not. I have to go help a friend.
CUT TO:
89 INT. BETH'S APARTMENT/BATHROOM - NIGHT 89

Andy is waiting in the living room.
BETH
(from behind the bathroom
door)
Come on in.
Andy walks into the bathroom, and Beth is completely naked,
Andy takes a breath.
BETH
Do you like?
ANDY
I like.
She walks over to him and takes off his shirt.
BETH
99.
Let me help you with that.

She takes off his pants. He gets pale. She leans down and
takes off his underwear. (The nudity is mainly tastefully
hidden.)
ANDY
I could have gotten that, but thank
you.
She stares at him. He takes a deep breath, then leans in to
kiss her. This is it.
When he does, she puts her finger on his lips.

BETH
Before we start I want to show you
what gives me pleasure.
She gets in the tub. Her hand moves down her body.
CLOSE UP OF ANDY
For the next full minute we are on a medium shot of Andy's
face as Beth pleasures herself.
We do not hear a lot of noise. A little breathing and the
occasional splash.
Andy's face goes through a kaleidoscope of emotions:
interested, happy, shocked, ashamed, frightened.
ANGLE ON THE BATH
We see Beth for a moment from an angle which disguises what

she is doing, but we see her ecstatic face.
ANGLE ON WHERE ANDY WAS
Andy is now gone. He must have run out in the four seconds
the camera was off of him.
CUT TO:
90 EXT. BETH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 90

Andy walks out the front door and is surprised to find-- Hay
about to knock on the door.
JAY
Don't do it.
ANDY
100.
What?
In the background we hear the quiet sounds of Beth, moaning.
As the scene plays out she gets louder and louder.
JAY
Have sex with Beth. If you love
Trish, then it'll all work out. I’m
sorry for giving you stupid advice.
ANDY
Don't worry, I didn't. But if you
don't get out of my way, she might
come out here and force me to do it.
JAY
Well, hurry. Trish is looking for
you. She's really worried.
ANDY
Okay. I'll get in touch with her
right away.
They both hear the moaning.
JAY
What is going on in there? Is
someone else in there?
ANDY
Just Beth.
JAY
Maybe I should go in there.
ANDY
I wouldn't.
JAY
Yeah, you're right. That was stupid.
They listen for another beat as Beth reaches her peak, then
both run off--for different reasons.
91 EXT. STREETS - NIGHT 91

Andy rides his bicycle home, anxious to call Trish and tell
her how much he cares for her.
92 EXT/INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 92

101.
Andy locks his bike, and enters his home.

When he enters, he sees Trish looking very upset.
ANDY
(attempting nonchalance)
Trish. What's going on?
TRISH
Maybe you should tell me.
ANDY
Okay, here's the thing. I realize I
made a mistake. The reason I went
out--
TRISH
What's this?
Trish holds up a stack on movies: 'The Blue Lagoon,' 1/2
Weeks,' several Michael Douglas films and several pornos.
Andy realizes this isn't about his date with Beth.
ANDY
Those are David's.
TRISH
And this?
She holds up his speed dating "rating card." On it, in his
handwriting, is the names of women and his comments. We see
phrases like, "she seems nice," "very nice," I like her, she
was nice," "No!! She scared me," "nice, smelled like my
grandma.."
ANDY
I did that before I met you. It was
silly.
TRISH
(points to the computer)
Your picture is on Match.com. And
you have all these books about how
to have sex. A lot of them have
disturbing pictures in them.
ANDY
Well, when I bought those I didn't
realize the pictures would be so--
TRISH
Why do you have them?! What kind of
sick pervert are you? Are you some
102.
kind of sex maniac? Everything in

your apartment is about sex. Is that
all you think about? Is that all you
care about?
ANDY
No. Of course not. I have never even
tried to have sex with you.
TRISH
Well, then what the hell are you
trying to do? What are you buttering
me up for?
She takes a beat.

TRISH
You're not going to kill me are you?
ANDY
No, I, I, I...I love you.
She stares at him, contemplates what he said then runs out
the door. Andy runs after her.
ANDY
Trish, wait!
93 EXT. ANDY’ S APARTMENT - CONT. 93

Trish runs to her car. Andy follows. She drives off. Andy
chases her with his bike.
After pedaling hard he reaches her window and drives along
next to her.
ANDY
Trish, stop!
TRISH
Get away before you get hurt 1
ANDY
I love you. I swear. That is why I
never tried to make love to you. I
was scared.
TRISH
Why would you be scared?
ANDY
Because ... because, I've never done
it before.
103.
TRISH
You said you lost your virginity at
fourteen.
ANDY
I lied. I am a virgin. I always have
been.
TRISH
But, you're forty one years old.
ANDY
You don't need to point that out. I
am well aware of that fact.
TRISH
I don't know what to believe. But I
am pretty sure I don't believe you.
She drives off. She slows down for a red, then it turns green
and she takes off. Before she can Andy drives his bike in
front of her car, and drives from side to side so she can't
get past him.
ANDY
Look at me. I collect action
figures. Look how I walk. I ride a
bicycle to work. And I date the most
wonderful, beautiful woman in the
world and I don't just grab her and
ravage her.
(beat)
Because I'm a virgin.
TRISH
Why?
ANDY
It almost happened a bunch of times
when I was younger, but it didn't
work out, then when I got older
there were some close calls that
went kind of bad. Then I got scared.
Then I gave up. Then I got more
scared. Then I met you.
Trish stops the car. She stays in the car as he speaks to
her.
ANDY
I'm sorry I didn't tell you right
away.
(beat)
So?
104.
(beat)
Don't leave me hanging here. What do
you think? Am I defective? Am I
abnormal?
Trish kisses him hard on the lips. It is very passionate.

They kiss for a long time.
TRISH
Andy, the most important thing in my
life is my family. I know that from
the outside my situation may not
seem like a bed of roses, but it is.
ANDY
I know. And I want to be a part of
it.
TRISH
I love you, Andy.
ANDY
I love you, Trish.
TRISH
Now what do we do?
Andy thinks about this.

CUT TO:
94 EXT. A BEAUTIFUL HILLSIDE OVERLOOKING THE OCEAN - DAY 94
Andy and Trish are getting married. Everyone is there, all

her kids even the twenty six year old and her daughter,
everyone from work, Jay is there with Jill, David is back
together with his ex-girlfriend, Cal is there with the
tattooed woman from speed dating. Aboojay from work is there
with his date, Beth.
PRIEST
You may now kiss the bride.
Andy and Trish kiss. The crowd explodes with cheers. They run
down the path as children throw flowers at them-
CUT TO :
95 INT. HOTEL BEDROOM - NIGHT 95

Andy and Trish are in bed, under the covers.
105.
TRISH
Are you ready?
ANDY
Yeah. Definitely.
TRISH
Okay.
ANDY
Wait! I need another second.
He take's a deep breath.

ANDY
Now I'm ready.
TRISH
Here we go.
The screen fades to black.

GRAPHIC UP: "THE END"
CREDITS ROLL
OVER CREDITS WE SEE:
96 EXT. FANCY BEACH FRONT HOTEL - MORNING 96
Andy walks out of his room.

MUSIC UP: "THE AGE OF AQUARIUS"
Andy is overjoyed. He breaks into a very elaborate dance.-

The employees of the hotel join him in the happiest dance
sequence ever filmed.
Trish comes out and joins in. It is like the Central Park
scene from "Hair."
It is a new day for Andy.

FADE OUT

The 40 Year-Old Virgin

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1.

1 EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MORNING 1

We reveal a nondescript apartment complex in North Hollywood

2 INT. APARTMENT - MORNING 2

3 INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING 3

4 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING 4

5 EXT. STREET - MORNING 5

6 EXT. CIRCUIT CITY - MORNING 6

There is a Barnes and Noble book store, a Daily Grill

7 INT. CIRCUIT CITY 7

8 INT. CURCUIT CITY - RATER 8

9 INT. CIRCUIT CITY 9

Andy is walking across the showroom floor, headed for the

Andy keeps walking. A very attractive young woman steps in

I am Punjab. I am here to serve you.

Andy keeps walking. David and Punjab get into it.

Andy breathes deeply, recovering from the interaction with

11 INT. CIRCUIT CITY - LATER 11

You know how to play?

12 INT. DAVID'S APARTMENT - MIDNIGHT 12

13 INT. DAVID'S APARTMENT - LATER 13

They all laugh.

Andy is stopped in his tracks.

Come on, give us a good, dirty one.

She was talking the whole time. I

14 INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT 14

15 INT. CIRCUIT CITY - NEXT DAY 15

Andy smiles. They forgot. It is in the past. Haziz walks up

He exits. Andy is white as a ghost.

16 EXT. STREET - DAY 16

Andy starts crying, his is mouth open in a silent scream, but

think this is the first time we've

17 EXT. CITY STREET - DAY 17

He looks away as if she is pure sex.

He walks away and stops at a bus stop, just wanting to get

with an even dirtier billboard of a couple, bodies naked and

18 INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT 18

-Teenagers making out on MTV.

19 INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 19

20 INT. BAR - NIGHT 20

David told me to be sensitive, so I

21 INT. BAR - LATER 21

Never better. Can I buy you a few

22 INT. BAR - LATER 22

As Andy walks away, he turns to the drunk woman.

23 INT. BAR - LATER 23

24 INT. BAR - LATER 24

It is a little quieter now. Everyone is a little drunk,

The guy Robin's marrying, Jimmy, is

NICKY'S driving becomes increasingly erratic.

She is giggling while tonguing, he alternates between

again. You have to switch places

He was driving the car. He said he

27 INT. HOLDING CELL - NIGHT 27

28 INT. CIRCUIT CITY - MORNING 28

Why did you even let her drive in

29 INT. HAIR SALON - DAY 29

30 INT. HAIR WAXING STATION - DAY 30

31 INT. CHESS KING MEN'S STORE - DAY 31