INTRODUCTION TO

SH OE AMLAITNI GC
PART BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS &
THREE CONTAINMENT
© 2021 Esther Goldstein
www.integrativepsych.co

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“If you can imagine an
ideal human container . . .
That ideal energetic
container would be
infinitely expandable,
infinitely contractible,
infinitely diffusible,
infinitely condensable,
with boundaries ranging
from steel-like rigidity to
mist-like permeability.

The miracle is how

nearly we have access
to that range.”
JULIE HENDERSON, PH.D
Why are boundaries so hard?
If you are human, you have most definitely been While it’s normal to bend and let go of hurt
mistreated, taken advantage of or felt violated at when we are in relationships to an extent, that
some point in your life. can only happen in a healthy way when our self-
energy is strong and we can consciously make
Many of us learned as children that sometimes choices to flex our boundaries. When we shove
it’s best to put aside our discomfort, feelings and down and ignore hurtful comments or behaviors
wishes so we don’t offend anyone or so we don't without an awareness of our own needs and how
embarrass the family. We don’t talk back, we much we can bend without breaking, resentment
don’t express our opinions and we certainly starts to build, self-respect begins to deteriorate,
don’t cry in public. and we become more and more disconnected
from our core self.
We are taught to share our toys even before we
understand what sharing is. Otherwise we are Boundaries are the magic ingredient in all of our
labeled greedy, unfair or a bad friend. most precious and healthiest relationships. We
need to share our boundaries with others so they
We are taught to kiss grandpa and grandma know how to treat us and we have to respect the
because it’s the polite thing to do even though boundaries of others in order to show that we
the smell of his whisky and mothballs on their get them and value them in our lives.
breath makes us want to puke. We are taught to
keep quiet when we are being yelled at by the Boundary violations are an inevitable part of any
neighbor who is accusing us of doing something relationship though, since none of us are mind
we didn’t do. If we speak up we are disrespectful readers but many of us forget that fact. When
and rude, after all. We learn to shove our boundary violations happen and we can
feelings of fear deep down when we are touched communicate our boundaries effectively, repairs
in a way that feels uncomfortable because that’s can be made swiftly and with little damage to
what girlfriends or boyfriends are “supposed” to the relationship. When we don’t communicate
do to each other. that our boundaries have been breached,
resentment begins to simmer, somatic reactions
Our desperate need for space, autonomy and start to bubble up to the surface like rage, gut
control over our own fate becomes muffled the wrenching, heat rising… our boundaries have
more we learn to suppress it. been violated and a body response has been
triggered.
We learn to “ take the high road”, to “get over it”
and we learn to “toughen up” in ways that are When our self-energy has been clouded by rage,
unnatural to our human spirit. Rage, shame and frustration and resentment letting things go has
resentment gets stuffed into the dungeons of only made it worse. By not communicating our
our unconscious mind as we learn to “smile and needs we have allowed the situation to get closer
nod” and “put on a happy face”. to the point of no return and we are no longer in
control of what happens next. The pressure
cooker of flooded emotions has triggered an
“autopilot” response in our body.
STRONG SELF ENERGY = HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Attaining and maintaining healthy self-energy is largely dependent on the strength of our
boundaries and our ability to know and communicate our needs effectively.

Boundaries are meant to protect us from external harm while simultaneously keeping our
most valuable assets safe inside. The thing with boundaries though is that if they become too
rigid we risk isolation and if they are too loose we risk losing our sense of self.

Boundaries are like a fine tuned muscle; flexible, expandable, responsive and adaptable to
whatever pressures are put on it. If we don’t learn to listen to our muscles as we work them
out we risk injury. If we go too light on our muscles they can become weaker and atrophy.
Our body’s natural screening process
Imagine you have a super powered organizer in your brain that is always working to process
anything (sensory input) that comes into your brain. To save time and resources, they do a
quick pre-processing "assembly line" ritual that quickly sorts everything into different
containers; The unimportant data either gets thrown out or stored in containers marked for
safekeeping. The unfamiliar data gets sent to the conscious brain so it can think and mull
things over, and decide what to do with the information. This uses precious internal
resources so the organizers only send there when they need to or when they cannot find a
matching memory to help make sense of where it should go. The familiar data that seems
important goes into auto-processing containers based on memories they are "matched" with.
The organizers are trained to save time and energy so if they find a match right away they
throw into the "already processed" container of matching memories without having to
actually process it. They just slap on a barcode that matches it with a learned reaction in a
similar memory category and the reaction is triggered automatically. The body has tons of
learned responses pre-programmed to react to familiarity. The organizers barely pay
attention to these kinds of inputs and an automatic response goes out before your mind even
has time to catch up to what is happening. A strengthened sense of self doesn't let matches
happen like that. The self takes the responsibility away from the organizer so that each input
can be mindfully processed and contained in the right place.
The challenge..
So let's say you are on a date and your self energy is totally depleted.
You are emotionally dysregulated and your nervous system is working
on autopilot. You are out for drinks and your date orders whiskey.
The smell of whisky on your date’s breath reminds you of all those
times your parents forced you to kiss your grandfather with his stinky
breath, you will experience visceral reactions when you are with this
guy. Not realizing that this somatic reaction is really about a childhood
experience in which you were continuously denied your autonomy and
choice, your alarm bells go off. The hazard signs blink loudly inside
you. This guy sitting across from you is marked for danger whether he
is worthy of it or not.
The Antidote
Attunement is the antidote and is also a skill that
needs to be practiced and exercised regularly in
order to maintain strong self energy and healthy
boundaries.

Sometimes, especially if you have experienced

trauma, it’s less important to connect with the
memory itself (which can be retraumatizing) as it is
to connect with, process and diffuse the somatic
reaction in your body.

When we address all of the overflow of messages

that are being sent to our body a pathway is cleared
for our self energy to shine through (your wise and
attuned self that knows intuitively what boundaries
are being violated and the limits you must set).

Sometimes you can get so overwhelmed by sensory

input and automatic reactions that your nervous
system feels scrambled and you can’t think clearly.
It can feel like you are in a room full of people
fighting for your attention and you can’t quite zero
in on anything at all because it’s all coming at you
at once. The physical, emotional and spiritual
voices inside are completely overwhelming your
entire system and you cannot hear the brilliant
voice of your core-self.
Containment
Boundaries are what contain your sense of When we have healthy boundaries and the
self, your self-energy and who you are. You ability to contain our self-energy we can
can’t necessarily describe containment of much more easily understand and respect
self-energy as much as you feel it with your the set boundaries and containment needs
body. It is your spiritual core. of others. When we are healthy we can
maintain connection with others and at the
A healthy containment requires us to same time we are differentiated.
become more attuned to our “felt sense”, to
enjoy the experience of being you (bruises, We can appreciate each of our own unique
scars and all), to sit with any feelings that qualities, however different they may be,
bubble to the surface without reacting to and it does not in any way impact our
them or judging them, to tolerate ability to appreciate the unique qualities of
uncomfortable energetic, cognitive and others. We do not need praise from others
emotional states, recognizing that this is and we do not need to be envious. We don’t
just the way your body speaks to you. It’s need them to agree with us and we feel
the ability to be at one with the earth and sorry for them if they feel like their ego
with the people around us at the same time needs to put us down in order to feel good
as we are separate beings with our own about themselves. Their judgment does not
inner strengths and our own integrity. shake up our self-energy because it knows
intuitively if this is something that can be
Containment in a virtual vessel allows for a overlooked or if boundaries must be
free flow of self-energy inside you. The strengthened. We can feel comfortable and
energy is contained but not blocked. Like confident in who we are, in our opinions
the pores of your skin it can filter, it can and our observations even if they are
keep in the good stuff and excrete the different from those around us.
excess. It can circulate freely throughout
your body. Many of us have therapists to When we have a healthy containment we
help us by being our virtual container until don’t need to feel threatened by other
our self-energy becomes strong enough on people’s difference of opinion. We are
its own. whole within ourselves yet at one with
others.
Containment Exercises
I invite you to try this containment exercise that can help you clear away all of the noise,
lighten the heaviness of your conflicting emotions and let you breathe a bit easier.

There are two different ways you can do this activity;

OPTION 1
Pour all of your self-strengths, abilities, powers, hopes and dreams into the jar so that you
can can protect them and bask in their warmth. Let them shine light outward onto the
outside world without a single drop of energy being zapped or diminished. You are
protected in this container from any potential intrusions. If you want, you can draw all of
the potential "intruders" on the outside of the jar. This allows you to stay safely separated
from the outer challenges while still maintaining clear vision of it all. You are not shoving
it deep down into your unconscious. You are aware and you can see everything as it is. You
can engage with any of it that you want while staying safely protected inside the container
and the glow of your self energy.

OPTION 2

Draw all of your stress inside the jar, unloading it from your heart and containing it inside
for safe keeping. This can help you to unload the heaviness of the burdens you are carrying
and externalize your stressors. You can safely observe them as if you are an outsider
looking in.

OPTION 3

For those of you who are more into words than visuals, I have also included a journaling
page so you can track your boundary, containment and self-energy journey to health. Feel
free to make multiple copies. I find that consistency helps a lot. Set regular dates with
yourself for journaling. It is a beautiful experience to look back at your journal entries
every so often and marvel at how much you have grown.
 Containment Exercise

© 2021 Esther Goldstein | www.integrativepsych.co | Do not duplicate without express permission

 Containment Journal
DATE: ENTRY #:

Wr ite about your e x p e r i e n c e s as y o u a t t e m p t t o c o n t a i n y o u r self-energy.

R e c o rd your ob s e r v a t i o n s a b o u t y o u r p r o g r e s s f r o m t h e l a s t t i me you did this

a c t i vity until thi s t i m e ( o r o v e r a l l . )

© 2021 Esther Goldstein | www.integrativepsych.co | Do not duplicate without express permission

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