BEAM

THE OCCASIONAL UNOFFICIAL JOURNAL OF THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS

ISSUE #16 : DECEMBER 2021

May Tucker’s Ghost be Smiling Upon Us

MONKEY WASH, DONKEY RINSE

NIC FAREY

This is me, apparently asleep - or at least somewhere on the very low end of
the curve of “Woke”.
Lastish’s editorials (and a substantial part of the rest of #15) concerned
themselves with elements of “cancel culture” which, it seems, isn’t going away
any time soon, and its proponents are showing increased fervor. It occurs to
“I am not woke, I me that once any and all historical references to the Confederacy of the U.S.
Civil War are erased or at least rendered samizdat, will subsequent generations
am just human.” even recall the necessity and importance of the fundamental struggle, thus
perhaps dooming those generations to a repeat performance? I say this not to
denigrate the efforts of Black Lives Matter or Pride groups, since it’s clear
that they’re generally aware that the placement of continuing problems in
their historical context is defining, and teachable. If that context is removed,
what then?
Almost inevitably, though, the straw that inspired this commentary is trivial
by comparison.
An old friend got a thread going on FBF about ‘Firefly’ being an apologia for
the Confederacy, and one of the commenters said this: “The general thrust of

This issue of BEAM is edited by Nic Farey and Ulrika O’Brien.

2657 Rungsted St, Las Vegas, NV 89142, USA, email : fareynic@gmail.com

418 Hazel Avenue N., Kent, WA 98030, USA, email : ulrika.obrien@gmail.com

Firefly is that Confederate veterans of the US As I expected, a thoughtful and intelligent take. It
Civil War are to be admired, that they are heroic. might be expected that a Brit like meself would
While ignoring that the Civil War was fought have had the alleged “confederate imagery” go
over slavery. The show sanitizes the Civil War in woosh at speed over my head, being hardly
the same way as the show The Dukes of Hazzard.” comparable to The Dukes of Hazzard in that
The commenter did admit to having enjoyed respect, and of course I’m culturally (though not
both shows, “even while knowing both are sugar- historically) relatively ignorant about the deeper
coated glorification of the Confederacy”. aspects of the schism despite having lived in the
States for almost 28 years and having read a lot of
After thinking “WTAF?” in various ways, I
Harry Turtledove. One of my longstanding Brit
copied this into a post of my own, tagging my old
fan friends (Helena Bowles) simply stated “I never
friend Allison Douglass, who many years ago had
saw it in those terms.”
stridently directed me to watch the show of
which I’d previously been unaware, for her Now comes Farah Mendlesohn: “I watched one
opinion, since she’s my go-to expert on it. Before episode, recognized what I was watching, and
she had a chance to reply, Ian Cat Vincent left.”
provided a link to a Joss Whedon interview “Wow”, I replied at that point.
wherein the imagery (and, I suppose, the world- I started compiling a list of adjectives and
building) were addressed in US Civil War terms. epithets, including, but not limited to: stick-up-
This, I suspected, was Whedon (who is one of yer-arse, pompous, condescending, holier-than-
those people who’s well up themselves) having a thou, smug as all fuck, “look at my jiant brane”,
calculated larf by juxtaposing the descriptors of and possibly also “bow before my superior
the two groups and slinking off with a snicker Wokeness, foolish mortals”. That’s a lot to take
about his cleverness. from one sentence, but it’s all there, the only
As Alli then wrote: thing to admire being the conciseness with which
Except I’d say it’s in reverse: that we know of, the dismissive superiority of academic privilege is
the core planet faction did experiments on displayed. This utterly lazy remark is perhaps all
people, even pumping chemicals into the the more unusual coming from the author of a
atmosphere during terraforming in an lengthy modernist analysis of Heinlein, favorably
attempt to control the population of a planet reviewed by Alec Nevala-Lee in Locus. Evidently
and those that lost the war were independent only some genre efforts are worthy of extended
folk who wanted freedom from that kind of academic analysis. It seems to be a function of
tyranny. Of course, it was filled with the ephemeral nature of social media that the
confederate imagery of a sort. Brown coats “jiant brane” faction of the Faniverse pedestal
do look a bit like southern wear. will airily state “TL:DR” while pronouncing
judgement anyway since they are apparently
And the criminal outlaw elements did have
clever enough to do so without the tedious
their own set of rules or lack thereof.
business of research on what’s a tiny (if
You could even argue (if you felt inclined) influential) slice of the genre and not the likely
that River Tam (though lily white) was being topic of an inevitably to-be-lauded tome which
railroaded away from the core planets since people will pretend to have read. I argued long
they wanted to “own” her for her telepathic ago (referring at that time to dear, quaint old
abilities. Livejournal) that there was an increasing
It is a conundrum and dressed up in this way perception that all arguments were getting
not necessarily the prettiest. But it was a presumptively solved in a fleeting fashion - actual
unique show and I still love it. analysis and thoughtful discussion was going out
of style in favor of sloganeering.

3
 be considered amusing that Farah is another
thoughtless victim of Murdoch machinations -
it’s possibly gratifying to those of us without the
benefit of the jiant brane that she could actually
be considered thick and manipulable on any
topic at all.
As an aside, her part of the convo veered off
into referencing an article she wrote in 2002
about Harry Potter being based on slave culture
(house elves, it seems), which garnered hate mail
at the time but is now getting reappraised on the
basis of Rowling's ill-considered apparent
TERFness. The connection between Potterverse
supposed slave culture and Rowling’s dodgy
transgender opinions escapes me, but no doubt
a jiant brane will explain it. Or, preferably,
someone with views I actually respect. I can’t say
I’m all that impressed by the “I was Woke before
it was a thing” argument.
My entire contention is summed up much more
succinctly by Lee Wood:
I loved Firefly and Serenity. I loved the
characters and the dialogue and the humour.
I’m aware of the historical echoes that shaped
the culture of the imagined universe. But I
think I’m rapidly reaching the point where I’m
going to balk if everything must pass through a
filter before it can be judged free from any
objectionable bias and anyone is allowed to
enjoy it. If we removed every novel, every
Lilian Edwards would wave a perfectly manicured painting, every piece of music, every movie
hand holding a tumbler of gin and declare any that contained any element of sexism, racism,
given topic resolved, essentially because she said so, bad language, violence against innocents, etc.
and thus it is with Farah, for whom a single etc. etc., we would not only have a bland and
episode of Firefly was apparently so egregious that boring world, we would have a population
the entire series could be consigned to the unable to think critically about anything at all.
UnWoke bin. Phooey on that world.
I thought it reasonable to ask which episode had Indeed, Farah Mendlesohn’s attitude could be
created such an immediately fixed opinion, and described as Maoist or Stalinist - you only get to
was told “the first”. There’s a problem there, given read or watch what some self-appointed smarter-
that the broadcaster (Fox) changed up the than-you elite thinks is acceptable. I don’t want
transmission order so that an action episode would “that world” either, where the likes of her are in
be first up, rather than the character-establishing charge any more than I would any other kind of
slice that Whedon intended (as fans of the show authoritarian regime.
are well aware), so I suppose in one way it could

4
 It seems that all those bronto skeletons in all those
RECONSIDER ME natural history museums were all wrong.
ULRIKA O’BRIEN Brontosaurus didn’t have his head on straight. In
fact, he didn’t have his head on at all. He was
A tale of science and the human heart wearing someone else’s head. Shady 19th C. fossil
hunters borrowed skulls from other skeletons to
“Reality is just a collective hunch.”
complete otherwise headless brontosaurus
(Jane Wagner)
skeletons. In fact, those early paleontologists had
Not unlike Miss Anne Elk, I once had a theory been pretty cavalier with the brontosaurus skeleton
about brontosauruses. My theory was simple: generally, shoving spare bones into the tail and
brontosauruses belonged in any well-formed then sticking it on upside down. Once those
ontology. In other words, I thought younger, better-informed paleontologists got done
brontosauruses existed. with revising him, Brontosaurus warn’t nuthin’ but
Not that I thought they wandered the Earth in my Apatosaurus misspelled. Thus, scholarly consensus
lifetime. That would have been cool, but no. annihilated our poor brontos right back to the
What I mean is, when I was growing up Permian-Triassic extinction. Poof ! Brontosaurus
brontosauruses were a solid, paleontological fact. I went from solid, paleontological fact to
had seen skeletons in natural history museums. neverwuzzer with the stroke of a collective pen.
There were artist’s renderings in the Time Life (Yes, I know brontosauruses have been invited
Nature books, right over there on the shelf in the back to the ontological tea party, now. But just
living room next to the encyclopedias. They were because they’re real again today doesn’t mean they
massive quadrupeds – the brontosauruses, I mean, will be next week.)
not the encyclopedias - with floppy tails that That was unnerving. Any time something as big as
dragged ponderously on the ground behind them, a brontosaurus disappears without a trace, it’s
and wee rounded heads that looked much too going to be unnerving.
small for their bodies. Which is probably why they
In fact, it was seismic. I felt like that time traveler
had a second brain in their butts, lacking, as they
who steps on a butterfly in the Cretaceous and
were, in cranial capacity. Simply put,
returns to her present world to find it
brontosauruses were real. I knew they were real
unrecognizably transformed. Or perhaps like
because it was “Science, Bitchez!”
George Orr, who wakes from lucid dreams to
But Science! is so much more mutable than you discover, again and again, that the entire universe
realize when you are eight, or ten, or even has changed around him while he slept, and only
fourteen. The map is not the territory; your he remembers what it was like before. Yes, more
ontology isn’t the world. I grew into adulthood like that, I think, because the onslaught of
and one day I noticed, rather abruptly, that Orwellian-seeming erasures kept coming.
brontosauruses weren’t real. Worse, they never had
Maps changed overnight, and not just internal
been real. They were as not-real as dragons, as if
ones. When I was small, there was a faraway city
we’d all collectively hallucinated them. Which, in
called Peking, the capital of China. Then,
some sense, we had. Paleontologists had got
seemingly without warning or preamble, all the
together to gaslight us. Okay, maybe not quite.
newscasters began referring to the capital as
But younger, more enlightened paleontologists had
Beijing. The Chinese hadn’t moved to a new
come along, and decided their forebears had been
capital; the old one had always been Eastasia, er,
less than scientifically circumspect in their frantic
Beijing. (Much to the disappointment of Nanjing,
pursuit of the Next Big Find, back in the Bone
no doubt.) Once upon a time, there was a
Wars era of frontier paleontology.
Southeast Asian country called Cambodia, and
terrible things were happening there, mostly

5
thanks to America. Then there appeared in the Feynman, by nature an explorer, conceived a wish
same spot a place called Kampuchea where to visit Tannu Tuva. In modern pre-pandemic
terrible things continued to happen, though maybe times I imagine this would be just a matter of
not entirely because of America. Then after a finding an airline willing to fly you there. But in
while, Kampuchea was gone and Cambodia was the late 1970s the USSR was somewhat tricky for
back as if it had never left. I never did follow that. an American to get to, and weird outlying Soviet
But my conviction that terrible things happened client states all the more so. Sure, the Soviets likely
there lingered. Eventually I met Hal’s aunt-by- would have loved to invite Caltech Professor
marriage, Damra, who had fled Kampuchea on Richard P. Feynman, internationally renowned
foot, carrying her tiny infant son, after the regime American physicist and Nobel laureate, over to
executed her first husband for being a medical give a series of physics lectures. That would have
doctor. So yeah, terrible things. (If you look up been quite the coup. Feynman was a big deal,
Democratic Kampuchea at Wikipedia you find after all. But for him, that would be too easy.
that the article is divided into subsections such as Instead, Mr. Richard “Dick” Feynman, anti-
“Background,” “Organization,” “Society,” and credentialist (he preferred to be a ‘mister’ rather
“Terror.” Not a lot of countries need “Terror,” than a ‘doctor’ or ‘professor,’ right to the end)
picked out as a whole separate sub-article.) decided that he would only go if he could find a
I wasn’t the only one who noticed countries way to do it without playing the bigshot.
dropping silently off the Earth. Dick Feynman With his young friend Ralph Leighton, Feynman
noticed, too. He remembered that, as a child, he’d embarked on a ten-year quest to find some way to
seen a diamond-shaped foreign stamp from a visit the disappeared country without relying on
country called Tannu Tuva. He checked the globe his professional credentials. The two of them
but couldn’t find the country. Was his memory at came up with a series of schemes, creative and
fault? He did a bunch of research (these were the often outlandish, none of which panned out.
days long before Google) and discovered that Finally, in the late 1980s, Ralph hit on the idea of
Tannu Tuva had been a country once, but was no becoming museum exhibit scouts (this is
more. It had been taken over by Russia, then apparently a real thing – museums pay finder’s fees
China, and eventually the Soviet Union. It had to people who develop the contacts, permissions,
been subsumed by the big pink blob on the map. and contents to bring in traveling exhibits from

6
other countries) and pitching an exhibit on the art And rabbits, once a sort of rodent, were actually
and culture of the Asian steppes, including Tuvan lagomorphs all along. Having things randomly
artifacts, to a local museum. They could then popping in and out of my ontology disorients me.
apply to the Soviets and the State Department for I don’t dispute that it needs to happen, but it
permission to travel to Tuva to scout background would be helpful if there were some kind of
framing materials for the exhibit. general announcement or notice board about the
It worked. The LA County museum got on board, backdating of each new reality. But aside from the
especially when Ralph explained they didn’t need strobe-light flash of Pluto winking in and out and
a finder’s fee; the Soviets sent over a bunch of in and out of planethood, I don’t remember
advance scouts to meet with Feynman (and getting any notifications. I just wake up some
crucially, to visit Disneyland, drink American morning to discover that the streets of Dark City
booze, and buy blue jeans), and a deal was struck have once again been rearranged overnight.
to get Feynman, with his wife and colleague, to Eventually, though, I got the hang of it. A wise
Tuva. The Soviet culture ministers returned history teacher used to say that the most
home, a letter from the ministry was duly sent out conservative people in the world are teenagers,
with unaccustomed speed, and arrived in only a because for them, the world had always been like
few weeks. It came just two days after Richard this. This feels right. At least, I’ve learned that
Feynman died of abdominal cancer. Yeah. (His these seismic shifts in what exists are necessary,
students hung a hand-painted banner from the top and just as they should be. Adjusting to them is
of the Caltech library, proclaiming “We Love You, just part of growing up, of growing less
Dick!” on the day he died. The very next day, conservative. There’s no point in conserving
physicists were calling Feynman’s secretary to ask falsehoods, after all. Because “reality” will change
who would get his office. The academy in a whenever we learn more about our universe and
nutshell.) update our maps of it to match. All knowledge is
Ralph Leighton, Feynman’s amanuensis to the provisional, pending better data. We make our
end, wrote their project up in a book called Tuva or best guesses using the facts we have at hand. We
Bust! Richard Feynman’s Last Journey. It’s a wonderful, work with those, and expect to make corrections
if bittersweet, look into the puckish mind of Dick later as new and better information emerges. As it
Feynman, who was an international treasure. So inevitably will. That’s what Science! really is,
far, that fact has not changed, even though bitchez.
Feynman is no longer with us. But then, neither is That’s the hard part for human brains. People are
the Soviet Union. Ralph also went ahead and hard-wired to prefer certainty to uncertainty.
took the trip to Tuva, alone, and gathered the Accepting that right now, this moment, something
materials that eventually gave context to On the Silk we firmly believe is also totally wrong is
Road when it came to Los Angeles, including uncomfortable. Changing our minds about that
recording the Tuvan throat singing that played in belief is harder still.
the exhibit spaces. It was a magical show, full of But you wouldn’t hold this issue of BEAM in your
discovery and wonder. Though I can’t find even real or virtual hands if I hadn’t changed my mind
the lingering scent of it left on the internet, now. about Nic Farey. And, presumably, he about me.
It’s as if it never was. Our surprisingly happy co-editorship, and indeed
Of course, it’s not just maps getting the Stalinist- our mutually valued, increasingly deep and
Orwellian treatment. No part of the natural world genuine friendship, (however adversarially and
is safe from the progress of human thought. One satirically expressed) would never have happened
day, Indian elephants had always been Asian without a critical reordering of my mental
elephants; starfish had always been sea stars; landscape. Back in November of 2000 Nic put out
jellyfish had been sea jellies since the dawn time. the first, and typographically-unlamented last,

7
issue of nichevo, a self-styled “court of reasoned out if you aren’t prepared to embrace the reason.
opinion.” No, no, pick yourself up off the floor. Be ready to change your mind, and your map will
It’s not that funny. Okay, maybe it is. better fit the territory. You can practice ahead of
To me, though, it mostly felt like an orchestrated time, by regularly considering ideas you expect to
personal attack. I was the departing North disagree with, and evaluating them honestly. Try
American TAFF administrator, and I was Doing It hardest to kill your darlings; rigorously challenge
Wrong. Nic had opinions about this. Not well- the theories you love the most. If they survive the
informed opinions, not based on anything more assault, they might be correct after all. If they
substantive than gossip and speculation, but don’t, they never were. That’s what “Follow the
forthrightly worded for all that. He not only wrote Science” really means. Bitchez.
a bunch of defamatory nonsense about me, but he “Science is the belief in the ignorance of
also roped in a few like-minded friends to pile on experts” (Richard Feynman)
and get some extra licks in. Since I didn’t, at that
point, know Nic Farey from a discolored flyspeck
in a Paris pissoir, it wasn’t a salutary introduction. CODA: OURSELVES TO KNOW (by Nic)
And since I spent the next decade and more At the time of that nichevo article, I didn’t know
holding Mr. Farey in cordial aversion, there were Ulrika at all either, but the TAFF-interested bits of
not a lot of opportunities to update my impression. the Faniverse at the time were indeed rife with
I re-imagined my internal map of Nic only v-e-r-y gossip and, yes, uninformed speculation about the
slowly, and grudgingly. As recently as the 2009 TAFF situation, which I did regurgitate in rather
Corflu I was still blanking him entirely. I don’t sensationalist fashion. I also don’t really have any
remember exactly how I grew to appreciate Nic concept of the point in time when our opinions of
for his better qualities. It wasn’t quick. Jim Trash each other entered the glacial movement phase of
may have been involved, or an aneurism. But by reassessment, although I do recall, when looking
degrees, and continuously, I’ve grown to value his for a new BEAM co-editor, considering that an
ideas, his opinions, his heartfelt devotion to adversarial aspect would be stimulating to the title.
fandom, his killer eye for art direction, and his Little did I then know how spectacularly well this
bulletproof ability to disagree without rancor, as would turn out.
well as his friendship and support. I’m deeply Self-critique and reassessment are key values, even
grateful that I changed my mind about Nic Farey. as we can remain guilty of hard and fast opinions
I’m grateful in ways that I will resist enumerating on some people and things, a guilt I continue to
further, lest Nic turn purple and suffer an harbor in several cases.
aneurism of his own. (Though if I were still pissed
at him for being dickish in nichevo, praising Nic to There’s an old joke (isn’t there always?) about a car
literal death would be a sweetly ironic form of mechanic and a surgeon, the former arguing that
revenge. And not impossible, given how squirmy it their professions were just the same, essentially
makes him to take positive credit for anything. working on a machine to either fix or replace
Hmm. Wonder if that will keep him awake damaged components. The surgeon agreed that
nights?) superficially the mechanic might appear correct,
but pointedly asked: “Do you work while the
The point is, the ability to change your mind in engine is running?”
light of new or better evidence is absolutely
invaluable. (In pandemic times, it might even save That’s the different thing with reassessment,
your life.) Because, like everyone else on the planet, though. You can only do it while the engine is
you are wrong and misinformed, in several running...
particulars. Eventually, you may be lucky enough
to learn why and how. When you do, you’ll miss

8
 BALONEY DETECTION KIT

What skeptical thinking boils down to is the means to construct, and to understand, a reasoned
argument and—especially important—to recognize a fallacious or fraudulent argument. The
question is not whether we like the conclusion that emerges out of a train of reasoning, but
whether the conclusion follows from the premise or starting point and whether that premise is
true.
Among the tools:
• Wherever possible there must be independent confirmation of the “facts.”
• Encourage substantive debate on the evidence by knowledgeable proponents of all points of
view.
• Arguments from authority carry little weight—“authorities” have made mistakes in the past.
They will do so again in the future. Perhaps a better way to say it is that in science there are no
authorities; at most, there are experts.
• Spin more than one hypothesis. If there’s something to be explained, think of all the different
ways in which it could be explained. Then think of tests by which you might systematically
disprove each of the alternatives. What survives, the hypothesis that resists disproof in this
Darwinian selection among “multiple working hypotheses,” has a much better chance of being
the right answer than if you had simply run with the first idea that caught your fancy.
• Try not to get overly attached to a hypothesis just because it’s yours. It’s only a way station in
the pursuit of knowledge. Ask yourself why you like the idea. Compare it fairly with the
alternatives. See if you can find reasons for rejecting it. If you don’t, others will.
• Quantify. If whatever it is you’re explaining has some measure, some numerical quantity
attached to it, you’ll be much better able to discriminate among competing hypotheses. What is
vague and qualitative is open to many explanations. Of course there are truths to be sought in
the many qualitative issues we are obliged to confront, but finding them is more challenging.
• If there’s a chain of argument, every link in the chain must work (including the premise)—not
just most of them.
• Occam’s Razor. This convenient rule-of-thumb urges us when faced with two hypotheses that
explain the data equally well to choose the simpler.
• Always ask whether the hypothesis can be, at least in principle, falsified. Propositions that are
untestable, unfalsifiable, are not worth much. Consider the grand idea that our Universe and
everything in it is just an elementary particle—an electron, say—in a much bigger Cosmos. But
if we can never acquire information from outside our Universe, is not the idea incapable of
disproof? You must be able to check assertions out.
• Inveterate skeptics must be given the chance to follow your reasoning, to duplicate your
experiments and see if they get the same result.

Carl Sagan

9
 UNUSUALLY IN THIS ISSUE...
We’re unusually pleased, as you might expect, to be honored
with Founding Mother art from JEANNE GOMOLL.
COVER

LUCY HUNTZINGER searched for her biological parents,

finding that, perhaps not unusually, DNA Don’t Lie.

PAGE 12

Continuing to live the ‘Footrot Flats’ life in Taranaki,

NZ, LEE WOOD relates the beginning of a tale of
Raising Chickadoodles, which unusually tells little
of the actual creatures themselves.
PAGE 17

It’s not so unusual for BEAM to feature some sercon,

and here’s JANE CARNALL on the topic of sex and
babies, a thread she finds in Reading Rama.
PAGE 20

Unusually late (or not, given the Covid year), the

publication of 2020 Corflu 50 delegate TOMMY
FERGUSON’s trip report is nevertheless most
welcomed, as was A Belfast Boy in Texas.
PAGE 32

JOHN WESLEY HARDIN (unusually briefly)

and JACQUELINE MONAHAN review what is
now a rather old issue: Lulzine #4.
PAGE 38

SANDRA BOND, Corflu Concorde Guest of

Honor, provides her speech, in which she makes
an unusual analogy : Fandom Considered as a
1966 Two-Tone Triumph Herald.
PAGE 41

With another most welcome installment of her TAFF

trip report ULRIKA O’BRIEN does Brum, not
unusually for that lot involving Twiddly Bits,
Embezzlement and Beer.
PAGE 44

10
UNUSUALLY IN THIS ISSUE...
Continuing analysis of ‘Perry Mason’ from NIC FAREY, in which he observes the
similarities and some unusual differences between the original stories and the reboot/
origin tv series, noting that it’s all Canon Fodder.
PAGE 55

THE READERSHIP : Suscipe Verbum.

LOCS : PAGE 58

ON OTHER PAGES...
Uncredited text by Nic Farey and/or Ulrika O’Brien. Editorial song titles by Warren Zevon. Cover
design by Ulrika.
Diva Diaries in the Time of Covid by STACEY TAPPAN, follows up on
her previous article from BEAM 14, here describing how the World’s Greatest
Opera Company stumbled through the pandemic shutdown. (p73)
Art: S&ra Bond : (p42); Ditmar : Outworlds 71 cover (p37); Sara Felix :
Lulzine logo art (p45); Andrzej Gdula : Rama-inspired spaceship (p26); Jay
Kinney : BEAM label logo (p2); Andreas Muller : Rama (p21); Ulrika
O’Brien : BACOVER (‘Night of the Leonids’), also pp31, 59. 62, 64, 67, 70 ;
Photography: Helena Bowles : Woodfords (p54); Oliver Facey : Sandra
Bond (p10); J L Farey : Nic Farey (p11); Sue Gee : Lee Wood (p10); Gary
Mattingly : ‘The Fan Who Shot Liberty Campbell’ cast (p35); Jacqueline
Monahan : Sheriff & Coxon (p38); Nigel Rowe : S&ra art (p42); Alan
White : JoHn & Jacq (p10); Lee Wood : various animals (pp17-19)
Other photographs/illos, predictably nicked off the internet, selfies or unknown credit. Or FBF profile pics.

THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS...

...is the name devised to describe the late-night fangatherings, surprisingly often in the environs of N Farey, which are mostly laid-back
affairs, tending to involve the consumption of Jim Beam and other fine liquors, and a whole lot of bullshit amenable conversation on
whatever topic might arise.

If you think you might be or might have been an Unusual Suspect at any point in time, then you probably are.

Wherever two or more may be gathered in the spirit of Tucker, we encourage you to raise a glass to the Suspects’ Toast: “Absent Friends”.

"I’m on a whisky diet. Last week I lost three days."

11
DNA DON’T LIE
LUCY HUNTZINGER

I’ve always known I was adopted. who gave me up, they told me when I asked as a
As a child I thought everyone was adopted. My teen, because it didn’t matter. I was theirs and
younger brother was also adopted, though from they didn’t believe I’d ever need to know about my
another family, so of course I thought this is how biological parents. It was a touchy situation,
you get a baby. When I was six and my mother asking them. I didn’t ask again.
became pregnant with my sister I was so But by the time I packed my bags at age 25 and
surprised. I had a vague idea that you got babies moved to San Francisco to seek my fortune I
from a farm because Dad always said they found suddenly wanted to know more. Who were these
us under cabbage leaves, but when I demanded mysterious people, my biological parents? Had
specifics about this new way of bringing home a they come here and fallen in love with each other
sibling the cabbage leaf story was dropped. while they fell in love with the city? How old were
Naturally, I don’t remember what they said, but I they? Why did my bio mother give me up for
am certain my parents told me something adoption? I discovered California was one of the
appropriate for my age. few states that seals adoption records so that no
Not the truth about my birth parents, of course. I adoptee can find their birth parents without
would not learn the truth for twenty-eight years. I permission from a biological parent or the
would not learn the whole truth approval of a judge. I was
for an additional thirty-two. But completely thwarted. I didn’t
to be honest I never expected to have the money to pay for a
know anything at all. judge to review my case. I let a
couple of years go by, not
I was born in San Francisco, an
knowing what else to do.
infinitely cooler place than the
Seattle suburbs where I was Moving to San Francisco had
raised. It became part of my been a marvelous idea and I felt
personal mythology: I was sure a deep connection with the city. I
that I, too, would have been made friends, met my future
infinitely cooler if I’d grown up husband, traveled overseas,
there. Over the years, I moved all over town and even
sometimes wondered who my acquired a certain coolness (a
“real” parents were, but I brief but intoxicating
couldn’t do more than make up experience). Then I entered
fantastic stories. I was hopeful therapy to deal with some
that I might secretly be a problems and discovered I had
princess, but I didn’t seem to have been very, very wrong about not
any sort of princess-y traits like caring about being adopted. The
gracefulness and long hair. walls came down and it was
Honestly, I didn’t really care shattering to face the profound
when I was a kid and it was not sense of abandonment and
something my parents wanted to shame that had been with me for
talk about. They didn’t know a very long time. Somewhere
anything about the young lady along the line, very young me

12
 LUCY HUNTZINGER

had rationalized my adoption by assuming my bio find them without surnames. And surnames were
mother gave me up because I’d been a bad baby: precisely what I could not get. Dead end again.
a nightmare, a monster. Clearly, my actual parents Now we move forward from the late 1980s to
were probably just waiting for me to prove it, so I 2016 and not coincidentally into the present tense.
had to be extremely careful not to act like a bad Both my mother and father have passed away;
person. I was always afraid of being given away a searching for my biological family cannot possibly
second time. This, it turns out, is pretty classic hurt anyone’s feelings. I am fifty-nine years old
adopted child behavior. It also explained a lot and DNA tests have become widely available to
about my childhood and early teenage behavior. the general public. My husband John gets me a
But it didn’t solve any of the mystery. 23&Me kit for Christmas that year. I send it in and
As part of dealing with that I decided I really did try not to freak out. It comes back with a pie
need to find out who my birth parents were. I chart: 50% Irish, 50% American of Northern
started researching my non-court options. Which European Jewish descent. Exactly like the NIBI
is when I discovered that I could get something information. And utterly boring, of course. I could
called the Non-Identifying Birth Information not possibly be any whiter.
(NIBI) from the state for ten bucks and a notarized In late 2017 I take the second most popular DNA
request. Names, birthdays, locations test from Ancestry and the results
would all be redacted, but I could are essentially the same. Ancestry
have the rest of the details of an insists I have a miniscule amount of
interview my bio mother had with a Finnish, but we are talking 0.02%
social worker as part of the adoption which means someone maybe had a
process. When I received the NIBI I hot hookup with a Finn in the 1800s
was overwhelmed. After a lifetime of that one time, but otherwise nah.
knowing nothing at all, here was Ancestry is really finicky about its
genuine information about my genetic geography. I’m genuinely
genetic family. half Irish, not diluted at all with
I was shocked to discover my nearby gene pools. The Irish half, at
biological father was Irish, married, and had a kid least in my bio father’s ancestry, did not look
or kids already. My biological mother was further for a good time than the next valley over,
American, Jewish and unmarried. She had me apparently. The Ashkenazi side was similar,
when she was twenty and he was twenty-five. He although with a lot more ranging among the
and his wife had offered to adopt me, but Bio Jewish populations of Belarus, Ukraine and what
Mom told the social worker she wanted me to would eventually be southeastern Poland.
have a fresh start. I had known that she and my On Facebook there are several groups for amateur
mom had shared a doctor who facilitated the DNA detectives. I join and tell my story in a
adoption, but the details about her decision couple of places, asking for help as a California
completely blew my mind. It wasn’t quite as good adoptee. I am steered to a small group of women
as being a real princess, but it was so incredibly who have access to old San Francisco County
cool to turn out to be half-Irish! And yet, while Clerk’s records. I tell them my birth date, the
there was a fair amount of general information hospital I was born in, a few other details. They
about them none of it could help me figure out do a quick search and find a partial birth
more about who they were. There was no way to certificate, one with the original parents’ names.

13
 LUCY HUNTZINGER

There was only one girl born at St. Luke’s well, but they all knew me. And they said,
Hospital on August 15, 1957. It has to be me. repeatedly, “You’re a Lucy. Your name is Lucy.”
The father’s name is M. J. Lucey. The mother’s I woke up from that with the understanding that I
name is Estelle Berwin. And just like that I have was, in fact, a Lucy. I told everyone to please call
what I need to find them. me that from then on. And the amazing thing is
I find their names in the San Francisco city that they did. It was a fairly seamless transition.
directory for 1956-57. But I can’t believe it’s really Everyone agreed I was a Lucy, not a Mary. So,
them. John helps me with Ancestry’s search you can imagine how absolutely bowled over I was
options. I narrow down the Berwin name right to discover I was also a Lucey. End digression.)
away. Only one is a female of the right age. It has With the help of several search angels I spend all
to be Estelle. But there are several Luceys, though of 2018 building a family tree and making
only one starting with the initial M. I am afraid to connections with DNA matches on the two
believe it’s really them. But it is. websites where my data is stored from the tests. I
(A germane digression: I am astounded by the quickly run into the problem of the Wrong Patrick
coincidence of my bio father’s surname and my and the Wrong Hanora. The Luceys have used
first name. My parents didn’t give me that first the same ten names for their kids since the 1700s.
name, you see; I changed it. They named me There are frequently several Patrick Luceys born
Mary. I never liked it; it never seemed like my in the same village in the same year. It is
name at all. After I left college, I decided it was infuriating, exhausting, and sometimes upsetting
finally time to change it. Only I had no idea what to realize I cannot be absolutely sure which Lucey
name to choose. I’d been thinking about it since I family is mine. Ballyvourney and Clondrohid are
was a little girl, but what seems fancy and full of them. And they regularly marry Kellehers,
wonderful at age seven or fifteen is not really which is pretty darn close to being named Smith
feasible at twenty-two. Signed, Terracotta in northeastern County Cork.
Eglantine Chenille Huntzinger. Anyway, I Thanks to a lucky find of a marriage certificate, I
mentally tried on and rejected a bunch of names work out who my Irish great-grandparents are. It
that didn’t seem like me and finally said, “Oh, takes months longer to winkle out which of their
come on, brain, give me a hint.” That night I sons is my grandfather, but I get some breaks and
dreamed someone was calling me Lucy. “Wow,” I some inspiration and finally, finally, someone points
thought, “how weird.” The following night I had a me to Cornelius Lucey of Clondrohid, Ireland.
dream in which someone was referring to me as He immigrates to San Francisco in the early
Lucy. “Wow,” I thought again unimaginatively. 1900s, settles down, raises a big family, and names
“What’s that about? I’m not a Lucy, it’s too one of his sons Michael. The birth dates are right.
English and it’s not different enough from Mary The other connections are right. The only oddity
and I don’t think so.” But a couple nights after is that Michael is born in San Francisco, not
that I had a third dream and readers, this is the Ireland. But I’ve eliminated so many other M.
only woo-woo thing that has ever happened to me Luceys that I’m almost certain it’s him. I also do a
and it still gives me chills. I dreamed I was in a lot of research on Estelle Berwin and get
room with many women, wearing Victorian confirmation from someone who knew her mother
dresses: long, full, dark. Their hair was up, so I that she is virtually certainly my birth mother. It’s
knew they were adults. I couldn’t see them really early 2019 and it’s all coming together.

14
 LUCY HUNTZINGER

But I still don’t believe. And I cry a lot about it. I My bio father’s family was indeed Irish, and he
want to know for sure, but with genealogical was raised in Ireland from the age of three
research it’s sometimes not possible to be sure. months, but he was an American citizen and was
Finally, John sits with me and says, patiently, drafted to serve in the Korean War. Afterwards, he
“What evidence do you have that it’s not them? stuck around San Francisco, got a job, and
What other Michaels, what other Estelles?” After married a nice girl from Donegal. They went on
a minute I say, “None.” Like that, I finally believe to have five more children raised them in the Bay
it. We found them right away, on practically our Area. The children still live around here. My bio
first foray into research, but it took me two years father’s wife eventually divorced him.
to believe I’d gotten it right. And with the fog of I did eventually get a photo of both bio parents
fear and angst clearing away it’s actually very clear and was enormously disappointed to see I don’t
they are the right Michael and the right Estelle. I much resemble either of them. It’s the thing I
locate DNA matches at the first cousin level for most wanted: to look like someone and I really
both sides. don’t. But other people see a slight resemblance to
There’s a saying in the DNA detective one or the other and last year my fourth cousin,
community: DNA don’t lie. And it doesn’t. People Johanna Kelleher Anderson, and I were pretty
lie. People lie or withhold evidence or fool thrilled to discover we look like sisters. Even I can
themselves, but DNA is truth. It’s hard. Everyone see it. I must take after the Kelleher side.
struggles with the truth of those tests. It’s a hard My family tree is public, and I do my best to help
thing to find out your father isn’t really your father anyone who asks to figure out how we’re related.
(although he is if he raised you) or that your aunt I’ve connected with two second cousins, a
is really your mother. It’s awful if you find your multitude of third cousins in Ireland and several
biological family and they reject you. It might be fourth cousins. Estelle died in 2004 in Louisiana.
worse if they first embrace your existence, then Michael died in 1987 in Santa Clara, where I
deny you and refuse any contact. This has believe he’s buried. I didn’t really expect they’d
happened over and over again in the DNA groups still be alive for me to meet them. I feel okay
I follow. about that. I know who they are and where I fit on
But for me, although neither half-brothers and the family tree and that’s more than I thought I
half-sisters nor first cousins have acknowledged my would ever have.
attempt to contact them, and although my one I was a perfectly lovely baby and my biological
living uncle on my bio mother’s side did not mother did the right thing by letting my parents
answer my letter, I am happy to have the truth at have me. And it all ended happily ever after. Even
last. if I’m not really a princess.
My bio mother had an affair with a married man
and became pregnant by him. She arranged a With thanks for invaluable help, education, encouragement,
private adoption through her doctor, who was also and outright research done on my behalf provided by John
my mother’s doctor. She then went home to San Bartelt, Mike Ward, Beth Kelleher, Janice Gelb, Jack
Diego where she met a friend of her brother’s and Heneghan and everyone at the Facebook DNA detective
six months after I was born, she married him. groups. I could not have written the end of this story
They were married for 43 years, the rest of their without them.
lives. They had one child, a son. As best I can tell
she never told anyone about her love child.

15
DON’T TOUCH YOUR MOUTH
NOT JULIAN COPE

She's flying in the face of passion, yeah

Seems to have good sense of her own
She's flying in the face of fashion
Wears her mask when she goes out, alone

She's washing her hands quite frequently

Sings two verses of her favorite song
She's erring on the side of caution, yeah,
‘Cause the reach of the virus is long

Chorus:
She says, “Don’t touch your eyes, or your mouth,
Get your head out of the clouds, and don’t touch your mouth.”
(Repeat)

She’s taken her shots so secretly

Crept quietly in and out with no sound
And taking the advice of the Fauci now
Stays aloof and avoiding the crowd

She's flying in the face of Fox News, yeah

She’s happy with a mind of her own
In lieu of what they’re saying so frequently
She seems to have her litany down

She says, “Don’t touch your eyes, or your mouth,

Get your head out of the clouds, and don’t touch your mouth.”
(Repeat. A lot)

Original song :https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cj1M3HPbNZI

Lyrical manipulation by Ulrika O’Brien and Nic Farey

16
RAISING CHICKADOODLES
LEE WOOD

This is the story of a bunch of chickens. And blue coveralls, then drove off in a cloud of dry
me. But mostly chickens. So let’s get me out of dust, never to be seen again. Trixie grew up to
the way first. be a happy, funny, tricksy animal. She’s about
I was born in the United States around the five years old.
middle of last century, had a varied and curious Trixie and George came with me when I moved
life before I moved to New Zealand some years to the house where we live now. It’s a slightly
ago where I settled down with someone. But schizophrenic property; a little over half an acre
that’s an entirely different story and he’s not part is designated as residential with small house and
of mine anymore. Now it’s just me and my little conventional flower and vegetable gardens, and
house in Taranaki on 1.6 acres of land. And the other acre of land is agricultural land divided
animals. into paddocks for grazing. It’s all enclosed with
First, there was George. George is a cat. deer fencing, which is good because Trixie is an
Nothing too unusual about a cat, although I escape artist. If there’s even a chance at slipping
could tell you dozens of funny George stories, if through a crack and gone, she’ll find it. But
you were a cat person. Everyone else would be Trixie was lonely, so I adopted a day-old kid and
bored, so I won’t. its mother from a dairy farm. The mother
eventually became a mascot for a friend’s cattery
Then came Trixie. Trixie isn’t a cat. Trixie is a
business (another story, but not mine) while the
Nubian goat. She was one of those unfortunate
baby grew up to become Trixie’s constant
goats that are often seen on the side of New
companion and accomplice in all things naughty,
Zealand country roads, lonely animals at the end
Jette. Where Trixie is short and round and fat,
of a chain by a corrugated tin shelter and used to
Jette is tall and gangly, jutting hip bones and huge
keep the grass tidy. I borrowed her for a week or
udders. They are inseparable.
so with the intention of her
cleaning up the weeds in an
enclosed overgrown garden I
wanted to grow vegetables in.
She was skinny, nervous, and
very young, most likely taken
as a kid after someone shot her
mother during a cull. Feral
goats are not native to New
Zealand and do a lot of
damage to our fragile and
unique ecosystem, so culls are
just part of country life.
Anyway, a compact young lady
in a compact blue car and
compact blue farmer overalls
arrived with Trixie in the back
seat. “I’ll be back next week!”
said the compact young lady in

17
 LEE WOOD

With an acre of prime grassland and daydreams Family Pet to Rampaging Beast in an instant. I
of being one of those Good Life hobby farmers, I made the careless mistake of turning my back on
decided to buy seven weaned lambs, three boys Gordon, he charged and bunted me hard enough
and four girls. I didn’t grow up on a farm, knew on the side of my knee to knock me over like I
nothing about farming, or livestock, but had all was a gymnast doing particularly ungraceful
the confidence in the world – people have been somersaults. My knee is still buggered and hurts.
raising sheep for millennia, how hard could it be? I do a lot of Tai Chi and paracetamol now.
One of the boys suddenly dropped dead a few Despite his venerable age, Gordon managed to
weeks later, for no particularly obvious reason the do his studly duty on all four of my ewes before
very expensive vet could tell me. The other two he went off yet again with a sheep farming mate
only had half their knackers removed, grew up to who needed a ram for the same job. Gordon was
be one-balled wonders with all the aggro of rams old, but prolific and a year later died peacefully
and none of the benefits. They eventually ended while snoozing in the sun surrounded by his
up homekilled and turned into delicious chops many progeny. That, I assure you, is not the
and roasts and sausages in my freezer. That left normal fate of rams in general, so Gordon was a
me with four ewes. Sheep have to be sheared lucky animal.
twice a year, drenched for worms, treated for All four ewes became pregnant with twins. One
flystrike, have of the ewes,
their feet however, came
trimmed, and down with
will become something called
deathly ill if they pregnancy
get out into the toxemia. Her
flower gardens unborn twins
and eat were draining the
rhododendrons. life out of her,
These were not literally. I was off
pets so there was on another trip
a lot of chasing to my friendly
them around the neighbourhood
paddocks vet to get a pint
involved with of glycol and a
that. big syringe to
I borrowed squirt it down
Gordon Ramsey, her throat. She
a rather elderly perked up within
and shabby ram minutes, and
who, like Trixie, came to visit and never went happily trotting about in fifteen. In fact, by
home again. He had been a primary school pet evening she was feeling so frisky she took herself
lamb, doted on by children until he got too big down to the creek that runs through the bottom
for kids to handle. He was friendly, loved having of my property, threw herself in and drowned.
his ears scratched and would eat treats out of my Took four men, a lot of rope, a winch and a 4x4
hand. Which made him a very, very dangerous ute to haul her soggy corpse out of the gully and
animal. His brain would switch from Loving get her buried.

18
 LEE WOOD

The three surviving ewes all had twins – five boys condescended to allowing me to feed her. She
and only one girl. I sold the lot to the man who likes to watch me in the garden and sometimes
had been doing my shearing, and probably only will tolerate the odd scratch on the head. George
lost about five or six hundred dollars in the deal. (pictured below and unimpressed) hates her. So
Bargain! After four years of raising sheep, I’d now I have two cats and two goats. And five
learned a lot about sheep. Mostly what I learned goldfish in the pond, but they’re more
is that I don’t want sheep. ornamental than pets.
The farming mate who had Gordon after me And a lot of chickens. Now that the rest is out of
grazes his sheep on my land in return for the the way, this is where our story can begin.
occasional koha – a Maori word and concept that
means a gift in reciprocity that strengthens social
bonds. So far, that’s included several hours of (Chapter Two forthcoming)
helping me construct a grape arbour, a joint of
wild pig, half of a very large and delicious
snapper, and Roger the Rooster. More about
Roger in a later instalment.
My neighbours on both sides turned out to be
lovely people. On the left were a couple with a
teenaged daughter who were dairy farmers.
On the right was a lady in her 90s whose large
extended family were all from farms and knew
animals quite well. The old lady had been
feeding a semi-feral cat that showed up every
evening for years. She doted on this cat,
naming it “Baby” - a more ironic name for this
sour faced skittish moggie unimaginable.
About a year ago, the lovely old lady’s health
had deteriorated to the point where she needed
around-the-clock care and she agreed to move
into a rest home but was worried what would
happen to her cat.
“She can’t be rehomed, she’s too wild.
Nobody’s gonna take her,” said her amiable but
ultra-practical son. “Don’t worry, I’ll just shoot
her.”
Needless to say, that wasn’t quite the solution
his old mum was looking for. I assured her that
Baby would be at least be fed, her son didn’t
have to shoot the cat. It took several months to
gain the cat’s trust, but eventually it figured out I
was the new food person and moved into one of
my work sheds where she has slowly

19
READING RAMA
JANE CARNALL

This is not a review of the Rama quadrology, but Rama for the ship itself.) Rama II is the novel of
there are lots of spoilers. If you prefer to read any the second expedition comprising scientists,
of the four without knowing anything of what soldiers, and a couple of journalists, all hand-
happens, please, do so now. picked to explore this marvel. As Kipling observes
in quite another context, they are a team of crack
About the books
players rather than a crack team, and that in itself
The books begin with Rendezvous with Rama, could have led to sufficient problems, but out of
written by Arthur C. Clarke, first published in the twelve members of the expedition, only six
1973. It tells what happens when a 50 km long/20 leave Rama and go home to Earth alive.
km diameter spaceship of alien origin enters the
solar system in the 2030s - that is, about 10 years About the main characters
from now. The object, when first spotted, is Four characters in Rama II get a lot of backstory.
assumed to be a new comet and is named Rama Nicole des Jardins, the Mother; Francesca
out of random astronomical naming convention. Sabatini, the Whore; Richard Wakefield, the Poet-
There is only one ship which can reach Rama Scientist; and Michael O’Toole, the Warrior
before it leaves the solar system again (Rama is on Saint.
a flyby with the sun, perhaps merely using our Francesca Sabatini is a journalist. She won the
solar system as a slingshot for further travel) so the enviable position of reporting the exploration of
crew of that ship abandon their scheduled mission the second Rama to the world. (There is a second
and contact Rama. They explore part of the giant journalist on Rama II, but Francesca is clearly in
ship, take photographs and recordings, and leave charge.) As we find out, Francesca sees it as her
the alien ship in time to go on its way. The novel role not as reporting but directing the story: she
ends with a thought surfacing in the mind of a murders the expedition's commanding officer,
scientist on Earth: that there will be two more General Borzov, shortly before the team go inside
ships. The Ramans do everything in threes. Rama, so that she can override his choice of team
The next three novels are written by Gentry Lee for the first sortie.
(1942 - ) and Arthur C. Clarke (1917-2008). Lee Perhaps “murders” is too strong a word. Francesca
worked for NASA and was a fan of Arthur C. drugs Borzov, knowing he will experience pain
Clarke. Clarke was a fan of NASA and evidently that their medical officer, Nicole des Jardins, will
enjoyed the process of writing novels in diagnose as appendicitis. As far as we can be sure,
collaboration with a fan. I have no idea which of Francesca intended only to disable Borzov so that
them contributed what, so I will refer to them as the man of her choice will enter Rama in the first
Lee/Clarke. Rama II was published in 1989, The sortie. That Borzov dies on the table may
Garden of Rama in 1991, and Rama Revealed in genuinely be an accident, or Francesca may have
1993. blackmailed another cosmonaut into murdering
When a second giant alien spaceship appears, 70 the general via the robo-surgeon that performs the
years after the first, it is of course dubbed Rama appendectomy. The other cosmonaut is gay,
II. The novel describing the human expedition to closeted, and was kept out of cosmonaut training
the new ship is named Rama II. As we learn later for years by General Borzov because he wasn’t
in the novels, it is likely, bordering on certain, that closeted enough about being gay.
the second ship isn't an identical copy of the first; Francesca also has an abortion. While
it is the same ship. (I shall use Rama II as the name contraception by six-monthly injection exists in
of the expedition, Rama II as the novel, and just

20
 JANE CARNALL

2200, it doesn’t appear to work very well. ambitions to leverage what being the journalist of
Francesca was having an affair with one of the the Rama II expedition will do for her career.
cosmonauts but she decided to break it off with Unplanned motherhood as a single parent is
him. According to the version of events she tells usually not a good time to also make major career
Nicole, he stopped taking his contraceptives on advances. Third, even if the expedition is planned
purpose, hoping to make her pregnant so she to last only 100 days, it is literally a voyage into
would stay with him. Realising she is a pregnant the unknown and unexpected. Francesca cannot
aboard the ship travelling to Rama, Francesca has be sure that she will return safely to Earth in time
an abortion. to deal with any complications. Indeed, she might
The mission to Rama is planned to last only 100 well experience serious complications in the first
days, presuming that this second ship will behave 100 days of her pregnancy, and be nowhere near
exactly like the first one did. Francesca could, of a hospital capable of dealing with them.
course, have decided to have the baby: she would Pregnancy is always a risky decision to make.
be less than 15 weeks pregnant by their return to Fourth, Rama itself is one huge unknown. It is
Earth. But she her circumstances would justify an entirely possible that Francesca or the developing
abortion, if you feel abortion needs any fetus could suffer some life-threatening damage
justification beyond “I decided I didn’t want to be from risks the previous expedition never detected
pregnant.” First, no matter what her physical or experienced. Any one of those four reasons
circumstances, if Francesca is telling the truth to would, in my view, be reason enough for any
Nicole, the conception was due to a man trying to woman -- especially a woman with medical
force her into pregnancy to keep her with him: a training -- to agree wholeheartedly that this was
huge red flag of an abusive relationship. Two, it is the right time for Francesca to have an abortion.
clear Francesca has serious, long-planned

21
 JANE CARNALL

But Nicole des Jardins does not. She disapproves. died in 1936. George V's great-great-grandfather was
Even before Francesca makes a horrible, racist George III, the one who died insane in 1820: George III’s
remark about the man who stopped taking his great-great-great-grandmother was Elizabeth Stuart, who
contraceptives to make her pregnant, Nicole died in 1662: and Elizabeth Stuart's great-great-great-
disapproves of Francesca having an abortion. grandfather was Henry VII, who died in 1509 - and his
Nicole des Jardins, the ship’s doctor, is the central surviving son was Henry VIII, who died 648 years before
character of the Rama trilogy. She is described as his long-distant many-times-great-nephew inherited the
“statuesque” on first description. Francesca is throne in 2195 and took the dynastic name Henry IX.
described as “stunning”. (An unscientific poll on Henry IX shows up in the Rama II novel in three
my Facebook page discovered that while men tend ways. First, he lets us know that Nicole des Jardins
to think of “statuesque” as “tall, gorgeous,” chose to have a baby even though there were a
women tend to assume a man means the woman number of conventional arguments against it (if
has big boobs and arse.) Nicole’s mother is none as overwhelming as those justifying
Senoufo, of the Poro society (yes, Lee/Clarke Francesca’s decision to have an abortion). Second,
make much of Mystical African Rituals, he gives Nicole a MacGuffin of secretly-
beginning with a Secret Initiation Ritual which researched information on her crew-mates on the
little Nicole experiences age 7): her father is a Rama II expedition (information she doesn’t
white French aristocrat, and her first daughter bother to look at until after the first murder).
Genevieve is the child of an affair that Nicole had Third, his status as royal prince gives Nicole a
with the then-heir to the throne of England, chaste defence against having been involved in a
Henry, who, at the time the novel opens, is King fleeting affair and then dumped - Lee/Clarke
Henry IX. presume that this is just what the Prince of Wales
Henry was not aware that Nicole was pregnant would do to a black girlfriend before the tabloids
when he dumped her, and he dumped her in a found out about her. (Given how the tabloids
hurtful and racist way. (He has since realised that treated Megan Markle when the Prince Henry of
Nicole’s daughter Genevieve is genetically his.) our day married a black woman with the reigning
The rules of inheritance in the British royal monarch's approval, I won't say their guess was
family, which we may suppose have not changed wrong.)
all that much between now and 2200, specify that Nicole des Jardins is not, says this backstory, a
unless Henry had married Nicole with the consent loose woman who had an affair with just any man
of the reigning monarch, Genevieve could not and then had a baby without a father. She is a
inherit from Henry except genetically: as an woman who attracted the attention of a British
unacknowledged, illegitimate daughter, Genevieve prince, she sincerely fell in love with him, and then
would get nothing except negative media he dumped her for strictly pragmatic, racist
attention, and Nicole has never told anyone reasons. (I noticed after reading a glut of Dick
except her father who Genevieve’s father is. Francis novels that the trope of the One Previous
Boyfriend is extremely valuable to writers who
Very British sidebar
don’t want to present their hero as deflowering a
Henry IX would be the great-great-grandson (or possibly virgin, but also don’t want to present their hero’s
great-great-great-grandson) of the current ult’eir to the girlfriend as the sort of woman who has sex with
throne, Prince George of Cambridge, born 2013 and not lots of men. It is OK for her to have had One
likely to become King George VII ‘til the 2080s: little Previous Boyfriend, especially if she really loved
George is the great-great-great-grandson of George V, who him. Henry IX's primary purpose in Rama II is to

22
 JANE CARNALL

be Nicole des Jardin’s One Previous Boyfriend, Shakespeare, his other passion. He, too, has a
and to make Nicole The Mother in the pack of backstory, which is disgorged in huge lumps. He
tropes, not The Virgin. (Lee/Clarke cannot simply was beaten by his father because his father was an
give Nicole des Jardins a husband: that would alcoholic. He beat up his One Previous Girlfriend
complicate their later story.) because she was unfaithful, and he falls for Nicole
Francesca Sabatini’s backstory, given in almost as des Jardins at the start of the expedition, though
much detail as Nicole’s, is of a very different kind. they don’t make love until both of them are
It is the classic trope of Rape as Backstory, trapped together in the Raman city the human
explaining or excusing (in the minds of Lee/ explorers have called New York.
Clarke, at least) why she is such a bad, loose, Intending to be celibate, Richard Wakefield didn’t
manipulative woman. Also, she smokes cigarettes. take his contraceptive injections. Nicole des
The complex plot of Francesca Sabatini’s Jardins did, but somehow manages to conceive
determination to be the director of the story despite that. Rama II ends with Nicole pregnant in
about the Rama II expedition, her perhaps- even more hazardous circumstances than
murder of General Borzov by poison and Francesca had been. She never once considers
blackmail, her attempted murder of another having an abortion. I think Lee/Clarke thought
cosmonaut because she fears detection of her first they had safely set Nicole on a pedestal as Not
murder, all the carefully plotted details and The Kind of Woman Who Has An Abortion.
blackmail opportunities, all come to an abrupt end When Nicole has an internal discussion with
when in Chapter 42, Nicole des Jardins says to herself about the possibility of abortion, in Garden
Richard Wakefield, “But I of Rama, she does so to
don't want to spend any more consider what I think the two
time talking about Francesca male writers saw as
Sabatini.” They move on, “scientifically justifiable
and indeed, Francesca’s abortion”: the prospect that
murders and plotting are the fetus may have a disability.
never discussed again. Nicole imagines a discussion
Francesca goes safely back to about abortion as if she could
Earth, and builds a long and have one with the two fathers
successful career based on of her children. She imagines
being the Journalist of Rama such a discussion as a means
II. She doesn’t feature in the by which her disabled son
rest of the trilogy except could be welcomed into the
briefly in a flashback where family by collective, conscious
she is revealed to be very rich, choice. She does not have an
very famous, and very abortion; she only wishes she
promiscuous. could discuss the possibility
with the two fathers.
Richard Wakefield, the
Scientist/Poet, is presented as People who think abortion
a supergenius with plot- should be regulated and
necessary talents for justified have a much more
computer programming and difficult time figuring out
building tiny robots that recite which abortions they can

23
 JANE CARNALL

approve of and which they cannot, unlike those of in 2138, canonised in 2188. Michael O’Toole has
us who see abortion as a choice only the pregnant the same awe for the ship Rama as he would for a
person can make, who only have to figure out who great cathedral or mosque. He re-enters Rama,
to ensure abortion is free, safe, legal, and and thus the rest of the trilogy, because he cannot
accessible to everyone. Lee/Clarke – neither of bear to see the ship destroyed by human rage. He
whom can ever have needed an abortion – had is also the other member of the expedition,
their own marked-off area where they felt a besides General Borzov, Richard Wakefield,
woman was justified deciding to have an abortion, Nicole des Jardins, and another dead cosmonaut,
i.e. if she knew in advance the fetus had an Takagishi, whom Francesca Sabatini has not
incurable disability. At the very end of Rama arranged to control.
Revealed, Nicole’s final and most emotional farewell (I haven't mentioned more about Dr Takagishi
is with the son she considered aborting because of because he appears in the novel primarily to give
his lifelong disability. us further insight into Nicole des Jardin’s scientific
Of course, anyone who can get pregnant, may thoroughness, honesty, and compassion. Then,
realise they need an abortion. And if anyone Not Wanted On TheVoyage, he dies suddenly and
needed to have an abortion by Chapter 58 of conveniently and is never seen again.)
Rama II, Nicole des Jardins does: she is trapped on
The Voyages of Rama
an alien spaceship going who knows where for
who knows how long, with two men, neither of The novel Rama II ends with one pregnant
whom have any medical training or any woman, and two men, aboard the ship heading
experience whatsoever in delivering babies, out of the solar system, on a voyage of unknown
without any surety that they will have food, heat, duration.
light, or even breathable air, for the duration of Before I discuss what Rama was doing in the solar
Nicole's pregnancy, never mind for the childhood system in the first place, let me discuss what Lee/
of her infant. Clarke thought they were doing with Francesca
In a quite different novel first published in 1964, and Nicole.
Robert Heinlein has one of his pregnant When men write stories about women, the women
characters tell a man without medical training or have sex (usually with men) and get pregnant
experience that of course he’ll be able to help her (mostly by men). Men who write novels about men
deliver her baby because he knows a lot more do not in general focus much of the plot on
about it than the first man who ever tried! This whether the man is sexually attractive, or whether
does seem to have been a presumption among he will succeed in having children. Men overcome
male scientists at least since the male profession of the monster, achieve wealth, or go on a quest or a
accoucheur was invented: that the millennia of voyage of exploration. If a man has a life-
experienced women passing on their changing experience changing him as a person, it
understanding of childbirth to each other, without might be sexual (in “The Snow Queen,” Kay is
medical qualifications or formal training, was kidnapped by the Snow Queen and rescued by
worthless next to a Scientist who had Studied. Gerda) but it doesn’t have to be (in A Christmas
The fourth character with backstory, the Warrior Carol, Scrooge isn’t awakened sexually by any of
Saint, is a devout Christian (a Catholic, he asks the Christmas Spirits) but it is very unlikely to
for, and gets, two audiences with the Pope during involve a detailed examination of the man’s
the course of the novel) with a special devotion to success in having children. If his wives have
St Michael of Siena, martyred by a nuclear missile

24
 JANE CARNALL

children, this is seen as an aspect of his success, increase the genetic diversity of their family
but not a central part of it. group: to avoid full sisters having children with full
Francesca never has any children. Nicole has six; brothers.
five of them in her first 11-year-voyage in Rama. I just want to let that stand for a moment.
The first child she bears in Rama, Simone, is In the opening chapters of Garden of Rama, Nicole
conceived by accident. The next four are planned. is aboard an alien ship going she doesn’t know
Nicole decides that she and Richard will have a where for she doesn’t know how long. The voyage
second child: Katie is conceived to be a playmate might last longer than her own lifespan. She has
for Simone. two daughters, one by accident and the other
Before Katie is conceived, Nicole, Richard, and deliberately so that the two children will have each
Michael already know that the ship, Rama, is other for company. She is now thinking twenty-
aware they are aboard and is making special plus years into the future of this voyage: who will
provision for these humans to survive the journey. her adult daughters have sex with, and who will
The ship’s robot crew build a flotation tank for the they have children by? What will their stories be?
three adults and the baby, and direct the humans Because this is a novel written by two men,
to it before the acceleration begins that enables Nicole’s daughters must have sexual/childbearing
the huge ship to travel at nearly the speed of light. stories, and they do. Nicole at this moment sees it
So when Nicole decides to have a second child, as her responsibility to make sure they can have
though she still doesn’t know how long the voyage sex and children by men who are at least not full
will last, nor what they will find at their siblings.
destination if they live to reach it, she does have Richard, with his backstory of his One Previous
reason to believe that the ship will not Unfaithful Girlfriend, isn't happy, goes off, gets
purposefully kill them. It is still a huge chance to kidnapped by octospiders, and disappears from
take. The humans are living in metal chambers the narrative for a few years – just long enough for
under the island of metal skyscrapers they’ve Nicole to have two sons, Patrick and Benjy, by
called New York. They know there are at least two Michael without the bother of Richard hanging
non-human sentient species sharing the island about being jealous. On Richard’s return, Nicole
with them. Having a second child is not quite as has a third child with him: another daughter, Ellie.
profoundly risky as having the first, but it’s not a
Life in New Eden
sensible choice.
The voyage ends when Ellie is three. The three
You might argue that if all heroes were sensible,
adults and five children are delivered to the next
most stories wouldn't happen. But I want to ask:
stage of their captivity: a place called the Node,
why did Lee/Clarke decide that Nicole’s story had
where they meet a biot who is human-shaped but
to be primarily about having children?
has a bird’s head. They call him the Eagle, and he
Having had Simone and Katie, Nicole then has info-dumps some explanation of what is going on.
another idea. She decides she ought to have
In the Node, the humans have a much more
additional children by Michael, not Richard. This
comfortable living-space, and better, purpose-
is not because Michael might feel left out. Michael
designed food. They are required to spend time in
is truly reluctant to have sex with Nicole, because
tanks where their captors carry out painless
he regards her as Richard’s wife. Also, I think it is
information-gathering “experiments.” Initially the
hinted in the final volume, because he is gay.
Eagle explains these as “tasks that will help us to
Nicole wants to have children by Michael to
understand you better.” Nicole, Simone, and

25
 JANE CARNALL

Katie have to spend much longer being tested want “at least one reproductive pair” at the Node,
than Richard, Michael, Patrick, and Benjy, to ensure continuing data collection on the human
because “women are more difficult to understand species, in the event that the mission to Earth is
because of the wild monthly variations in our completely unsuccessful.
hormones”. (Well. No.) Consider what would have happened if Nicole
After about a year living at the Node, The Eagle had decided it was not safe to have children on
explains what the tests have really been about and Rama. The only reproductive pairs available to
what the next stage in their captivity is to be. the Node then would have been either Nicole and
A breeding pair of humans is to be kept at the Michael or Nicole and Richard: either Michael or
Node. Nicole, with as many of her family as wish Richard would have had to go back to Earth.
to go with her, is to return to Earth in Rama. Fortunately for the Node, Nicole has three
Nicole, Richard, and Michael are to assist the daughters: she can be allowed to choose to leave
Eagle in designing a any one of them
habitat in Rama behind, either with
suitable for a couple one of their half-
of thousand humans. brothers or with
Nicole is to make a Michael.
video explaining that So Rama does in fact
Earth must provide visit our solar system
Rama with thousands three times, as the
of humans scientist predicted at
voluntarily, or Rama the end of Rendezvous
will collect them with Rama. The Node
forcibly. This video sends out these giant
will be broadcast to ships the first time to
Earth before Rama’s attract the attention
arrival. Humans who of spacefaring
return to Earth in species. On the
Rama will sleep second visit, the ship
through the journey, acts as a lure to
ageing more slowly attract spacefaring
than normal while en route, but any of the children species to itself and, if possible, catch and return
who go with Nicole will grow up and become to the Node with a small group of those species.
physically adult in the tanks, still with only the The third time, the ships return to collect a
memories and experiences of children by the end breeding group of the species.
of the voyage to Earth. The Node’s interest is the study of spacefaring
Nicole has no choice, the Eagle tells her. She will species. They have two other spacefaring species
be returning to Earth aboard Rama. And there is aboard Rama on the second visit to Earth space,
no choice either that at least one male and one and by the time Rama reaches Earth for its third
female human must remain behind at the Node. visit to the solar system, there are already two
But the group has freedom to decide who is to be breeding groups of those species resident in
left behind. Nicole could even return to Earth environments created for them in Rama. The
alone if she wished. The Eagle explicitly says they three species have in common that they all breathe

26
 JANE CARNALL

the same kind of atmosphere, they can all eat - The Node are animal collectors even better than
more or less - the same kind of food, they all drink Gerald Durrell, and the Node is a zoo even better
water, and they all communicate in more or less than Jersey Zoo. The Rama ships are supremely
the same sort of way - discrete signals effective collectors of spacefaring species, bringing
communicated by consciously-controlled body back breeding groups of those species to be
movements. studied in a habitat as close to their natural one as
They are also all at a similar technological level. possible.
Recall Clarke’s Third Law: “Any sufficiently Nicole, however, had plainly not previously
advanced technology is indistinguishable from thought of herself as the founder of a breeding
magic.” The three species do not by any means group of zoo animals. The choice she is told to
have the same kinds of technology, but among all make is not a choice she wants to make. She
three species their technology is recognisable as neither wants to leave her entire family behind at
such; not apparently magic. the Node, with Michael and Richard to look after
The octospiders live in a multi-species community their children, nor to leave one of her daughters
where all sorts of genetically-controlled partner behind, nor either one of her sons. But it is made
species provide them with their needs, and we plain to her, Richard, and Michael that they are
learn more about them in the third volume, Rama completely powerless in this. Either they make a
Revealed. * choice, or the Node will make it for them.
But it seems likely that the reason – from the What if Francesca had been in Nicole’s place?
perspective of the Node – that these three species She would certainly not have allowed herself to
are all kept together aboard one ship is that they have children on the long voyage to Rama. And I
all need very similar habitats. suspect, with the same two men, she would have
Imagine that you are a small mammal living kept Richard with her at the Node, and Michael
somewhere in Bafut, and one day, a hunter’s net would have gone back to Earth.
swoops over you and you are taken, alive, to a But the choice is made, and Nicole leaves on the
collector’s base. The collector is Gerald Durrell. voyage home, with Richard, and with most of her
Durrell builds you a cage, finds comfortable children. Michael stays behind with one of
bedding, does his utmost to figure out what you Nicole’s daughters.
need to eat and drink, has his hunters look for
The Children of Rama
other members of your species, is absolutely
fascinated by you and takes very good care of you. In the design of New Eden, Katie makes a
You are likely to live a long, healthy, cared-for life request. She says she has never seen a zoo, so her
in a very comfortable environment which you parents plan to include a small zoo in New Eden.
cannot leave. You may never even notice, after a No one tells her she is living in a zoo.
while, that this environment is one you are captive If Nicole had been thinking of her children rather
in. Durrell is empathic, curious, and fascinated by than her sorrow at being parted from them, I
you. And he will regard it as his success if he not think she would have left them behind. Because
only keeps you alive, but you have babies. His goal while all of the humans are kept in sleep tanks,
is that you live a long time in his zoo so that and the adults barely age as they sleep, the
naturalists can learn all about you and that you children grow up on the voyage, in the tanks.
breed and bring up your young, who in turn can Consider two of them in particular: Patrick and
be studied. Katie both arrive at the end of this voyage with

27
 JANE CARNALL

the minds of prepubescent children, but now four small towns and a central hub with hospital
withadult bodies, having slept through all of their and school and sports arena, and human-shaped
growing-up in the tanks. biots to do the essential work. The dome is
The boy, Patrick, achieves adulthood: he marries described as a paradise. Nicole has named it New
and forms a family. Katie, the girl, becomes a drug Eden, explaining to The Eagle that the humans
addict and prostitute and dies alone, separated will need to know their living-space has a name.
from her family. Patrick was capable of But of course New Eden doesn’t stay a paradise.
overcoming the shock of going from age nine to The serpent imported into New Eden is a criminal
age nineteen in a single sleep. Katie was incapable who was deemed unsuitable for the Mars project
of overcoming the shock of going from age twelve but who got in anyway via family connections.
to twenty-two in the same sleep. (The youngest girl Samuel R. Delany theorized in the Neveryon series
reaches adolescence in the sleep tanks: she is a that humans invented cities in order to be able to
five-year-old in a 15-year-old's body, and this is have sex with strangers. New Eden is a planned
passed over as no big deal, even when, still community, and neither Nicole, Richard, nor
mentally less than ten, the youngest girl marries Michael planned for the normal human desire to
an adult colonist.) get away from your family to somewhere you can
None of the children who choose to go back with have fun with strangers. While Richard is
Nicole and Richard are really capable of presented as a normal Englishman with a normal
understanding what their choice means. They English passion for Shakespeare and robots, it
return with Nicole because she is their mother, never occurs to him even to suggest that each
and they love her. But Nicole and Richard know neighborhood needs a pub. Nicole des Jardins is
this decision means all of the children will lose mostly-French by upbringing, yet it never occurs
vital formative years. Katie is the only child shown to her that every neighborhood needs a cafe.
irrecoverably damaged, and this is suggested to us Michael is an American Catholic, and it never
as a flaw in her character, not a consequence of occurs to himest that their New Eden needs a bar.
what Nicole and Richard chose to do to the It is important to be able to leave your home and
children by subjecting them to the long voyage in have fun. New Eden has only been planned for
the sleep tanks. strictly limited kinds of very proper fun: athletics,
study, recreational walks.
New Eden and the colonists
Perhaps understandably, then, the serpent in New
About halfway through Garden of Rama, we finally Eden founds a casino, brings with him the
meet some of the humans being gathered by the equipment to make alcohol and other more
governments of Earth for the alien ship. The addictive drugs, and induces young women to
Earth governments concealed Nicole's video work for him as prostitutes. (Not young men. The
message and told the humans they were going to authors didn't want to go there. There is no one
Mars to form a colony. As instructed by the Node, openly gay in New Eden.) Building the casino and
they gather humans from every racial group on cutting down some of the planned vegetation
Earth. Though we meet only a handful of them, unbalances the environment. By the end of Garden
we are told that the two thousand humans are of Rama, it looks entirely possible that the human
racially diverse. community will not survive the voyage of Rama.
Meanwhile, Nicole’s human family are living Richard and Nicole, and some of the colonists,
alone in the habitat they designed for the colony and two of their children (not Katie, who is
group, a huge dome with a lake and a forest and already on her way to the sexualised end of her

28
 JANE CARNALL

life), escape the increasingly Mafia-like rule of the find the detailed description of how the
serpent of New Eden: Nicole because of a rape octospiders live much more interesting than I did
case, Richard by means of a Shakespearean robot the murderous soap opera engineered by
and a helpful alien. (Of course Nicole’s fall in Francesca to make herself the star of the Rama II
Eden would involve a woman being raped. Did expedition. Still, for the most part, it’s a mass of
you imagine a plot twist involving a woman irrelevant detail introduced because the authors
wouldn’t include rape?) enjoyed writing it.
The Houyhnhnms of Rama In plot terms, what happens is that the refugees
from New Eden live for some time in the
Where they escape to is described in the first part
octospider city, being studied by the octospiders
of the third book, Rama Revealed: a travelogue-
and wondering how the octospiders are going to
exploration of the octospiders.
suggest they get modified so that they too can
While we saw more of the “avians” in Rama II, contribute to the octospider civilisation.
and Richard spent a long time alone with the
But the ruler of New Eden needs to maintain his
octospiders in Garden of Rama, the final book is
position by perpetual war. Having all but wiped
mostly about this second species sharing Rama
with the human colony. The octospiders are
presented as both more intelligent and more
technically capable than humans, but their
technology consists almost entirely of genetically-
manipulated species living in a subordinate
partnership with them.
Well over half of the last book in the trilogy, Rama
Revealed, isn’t about the Ramans or the Node: it is
about the octospiders. The human refugees from
New Eden hide in the lair that Michael, Richard,
and Nicole lived in with their small children on
the way to the Node, under the city called New
York, but when they are followed there, they
escape to a refuge made for them by octospiders.
The octospiders live with multiple partner species,
some more intelligent than others, all of which
have been genetically engineered to contribute to
the octospider colony. Any individual that cannot
learn to live harmoniously with all species it must
interact with is exiled or killed.
I will resist temptation to describe the octospider
breeding colony further -- though the description
of this species and their technology is excellent
science-fiction, well worth reading -- because it is
as completely irrelevant to the plot of the Rama
trilogy as all of the human plotting about the
Rama II expedition was in Rama II. Though I did

29
 JANE CARNALL

out the avians in the neighbouring habitat, he now their inability to peacefully interact with intelligent
seeks to attack the octospiders, using unrenewable alien species, is presented by Lee/Clarke in
resources to build planes to fly over the cylindrical morally neutral terms. But there it is: they were,
sea and bomb the octospider city. Once the some of them, given very little choice at all about
octospiders realise the humans really do mean to “volunteering” for the Mars mission: and in
wipe out the octospider colony as they did the consequence, they have ended in lifelong sterile
avians, they fight back, and their resources for imprisonment in a habitat years away from the
warfare are much more sophisticated and effective solar system. They are not told before they board
than the humans’. The Carrier that they will be sterilised.
It is at that moment, seeing the very real Neither Nicole nor her surviving children are
possibility that all three spacefaring species aboard designated for The Carrier: she and most of her
Rama may become extinct on voyage, that the family group are designated for the Node’s zoo,
Eagle shows up. Using the power of the Node, he where spacefaring species will interact naturally
puts everyone to sleep. (That’s Clarke’s Third Law.) and breed normally and be studied by the Node
The Eagle explains to Nicole before she goes to for generations.
sleep that the Node would never have intervened Nicole visits her daughter and Michael, left
to preserve individual lives from things the studied behind at the Node all those years ago, who are
species naturally chose to do to each other. They now the parents of a multitude of children and
are intervening simply because every living thing grandchildren. The Node put them and their
aboard Rama might have died before journey’s family through a series of tests and trials, but has
end if they had not. That would have interfered now built a delightful habitat for them, and each
with the Node's cataloguing and studying of of them has been given a biot companion.
spacefaring species. Michael has St Michael, a biot formed in the
The end of the journey image of the young man Michael has - we are to
suppose - a purely religious devotion to. Nicole’s
When Nicole wakes, she finds they are still on a
daughter has . . . Nicole. A biot that looks and
journey, but in a different habitat. Every survivor
thinks and speaks just like Nicole des Jardins, but
of the war inside Rama is aboard, in a habitat
younger in appearance. She’s more like how her
that allows each species a space to itself, and
daughter remembered her mother when she was
shared areas where they can interact. The Node
left behind at the Node. Nicole has grandchildren
observes their interaction, and at the end of the
and great-grandchildren who grew up in the
journey, informs them that some individuals from
habitat at the Node who know and love their
each species will be transferred into yet another
grandmother Nicole as a biot.
habitat: The Carrier, a spaceship of segregated
habitats, where no species will interact with Michael is still alive by means of elaborate
another species, ever. No one in that habitat will technological intervention. He may be more biot
be able to reproduce, ever. And, once aboard The than human at this point, and it seems likely he
Carrier with everything they need for long, will not die until he chooses to. The Node wants
healthy lives, they will see no further interference to provide Nicole with the same intervention, as a
from the Node, ever. leader and figurehead for their breeding group of
humans in their zoo, but Nicole chooses to die. As
Some of the humans who are designated for The
a last request, asks to tour the Node’s Knowledge
Carrier are among those who left Earth expecting
Module before her body gives out.
to found a colony on Mars. This final solution for

30
 JANE CARNALL

Returning to my question in Rama II - what were see enough of the Node’s studies to achieve a
the authors trying to do with Francesca and sense of wonder at the grandeur of the universe.
Nicole? And it is far from clear if the Node is rewarding
Francesca wants financial success and fame on Nicole because she is the kind of amazing person
Earth, and achieves it, at the cost of a murder or who can appreciate these wonders and find joy in
two. For her, visiting Rama is a means to an end. understanding even when she is close to death, or
She wanted material reward, and achieved it. if she is being given a final treat as a good breeder
who has contributed to their studies of the human
Nicole, Richard, and Michael all wanted to be
species.
part of the Rama II mission for noble motives,
disinterested motives, and all three got caught up The very last part of the Rama trilogy has a
in a superior intelligence’s mission. When I see the genuine feel of the sense of wonder that Arthur
Node’s likeness in Gerald Durrell and Jersey Zoo, C. Clarke had such a gift for creating. It seems
I see the mission as essentially benevolent: but not almost unfair to point out that while Nicole des
- both literally and figuratively - a humane Jardins could appreciate the grandeur of the
benevolence. The humans who survived both the universe and of the many living species studied by
war on Rama and the winnowing of The Carrier, the Node, Lee/Clarke saw her first and foremost
will live long, pleasant, fruitful, supervised lives, in as a breeder, a woman whose story necessarily had
a zoo. to be mostly about sex and babies. They could not
bring themselves to write a novel, still less a trilogy,
Of the three humans who left the solar system in
about a woman whose drive is to understand the
Rama for the first time, only Nicole is allowed to
universe.

31
A BELFAST BOY IN TEXAS
TOMMY FERGUSON

Before heading to Corflu Heatwave – I had a few Finally hitting the hotel at ridiculous o’clock in the
concerns. I’d been out of the fannish game for morning I was shown to a pool side suite that John
quite a while, and only recently started going to Purcell had arranged as an upgrade – bless his
conventions again – WorldCon in Dublin and heart – which I immediately hated. I got moved to
EuroCon in Belfast - before I would be heading to the twin room I’d be sharing with Jim Caughran
Corflu. To be honest, things had significantly instead – and felt more at home. In hindsight of
changed in the intervening years. Pronouns were course – I should have taken the very kind offer –
now a thing – people being addressed as ‘they’ as it turned out to be a killer suite!
and being upset when I didn’t get it right. I’ve a
John did organise a quick an initial get together
mixed view on this – yes people should be
for the early arrivers at World of Beer – great
addressed however they want and I should respect
name for a pub – on the Wednesday night – to
that but do I really need to go out of my way to
which I duly turned up late – ‘be there in a
figure it all out before hand – is common courtesy
minute…’. However, I knew exactly where it was
not enough? The other thing I saw at both
having stopped off on the way back from a
conventions: fans had all gotten really old,
shopping trip earlier for medication in the day to
mobility was a big issue and, especially at
sample the wares – always pays to be prepared!
WorldCon, there was huge sense of entitlement.
Don’t panic, I always bring back large tubs (500 or
Generally, this was American fans – though there
1000) of paracetamol when I’m in the states – you
were a number of others as well – even some Irish
can only get blister packs of 16 at a time back in
folks. Added to this my own nervousness about
the UK. Talk about a nanny state. It was a fun
being a Corflu50 recipient and landing in the
night meeting everyone – including Pat, Valerie
dragons’ den of darkest Texas with all these,
and John and settled a lot of those pre-con nerves
mostly, American fans and my anxiety about the
– especially when I saw how well everyone knew
trip was a bit manic. It was good then that I had
their beers! Jet lag, heat and a few beers dragged
Rob Jackson to keep me company and straight on
me off to bed.
the way over and, in reality when I landed at
Corflu I quickly realised these were my people. I The virus was starting to have an impact on the
shouldn’t have worried – in fact, I was probably Convention as well – despite Ted Cruz. There
more of a pain in the arse to them than the were a few options for day trips ahead of the con
reverse. starting proper - sadly visiting the A&M
University library was out due to the Coronavirus
Getting to Texas didn’t really help. Heathrow was
lockdown kicking in sensibly at the University -
just starting to see more than just South East
but some other activities were still going on. A
Asians wearing masks – though I recall the
group of fans went to a local ravine to do some
medical advice at the time saying there was no
fossil hunting. Whilst I’m all for a bit of local
evidence that wearing masks stopped the
amateur science and local fan John Moffitt
transmission of the Coronavirus. How we
certainly knew his stuff and would have been an
laughed! The inevitable flight delays and usual
excellent guide - the stop off for BBQ lunch was
hassle of boarding an international flight ensued
also enticing - this is Texas after all. All of that
and I went to my happy place of the flight. The
compared to a tour of a local vineyard and
Texas heat hit us as soon as we deplaned – not in
drinking wine. How could I refuse?
Ireland any more Johnny boy – and again Rob got
us through the nonsense that hiring a car involved So, Spike, Tom Becker, Gary Mattingly and
and – wrecked though we were – off we set. myself tripped off to the local Messina Hof

32
 TOMMY FERGUSON

Winery with the hotel though I only learned

mini bus. Here’s an that I like big
interlude - the hotel complex reds and not
has a shuttle facility so much the pinks
to take people to the and sparkling whites.
airport etc. What I Naturally these are
didn’t realise though the most expensive. I
that it was available mentioned this to
as a taxi service - for Spike - our resident
free! On my first wine expert - who
morning there I promptly engaged me
realised I’d brought in discussions about
the wrong charger - wine, local grape
and this after visiting varietals and what to
the states for like forever with Leslie my American expect here-abouts. I was quickly lost and fessed
wife and her family - and wanted to get a new up that I never even got a certificate on the wine
one. The Hilton was by the University that was course, just a proper hang-over. However every so
nowhere near anywhere so the local Walmart was often I opine with a wine bon mot which made me
miles away - even I didn’t fancy that hike, in the appear more knowledgeable than I could ever
heat and with jet lag. So, I asked at reception to have - even at the con suite later on the Saturday
borrow one and when they couldn’t help the night - maybe Spike thought I was faking her out?
concierge (Michael) offered to drive me to the The Vineyard itself remained open during the
Walmart, wait until I shopped and then drive me outbreak and was clearly set up - like so many are
back to the hotel! Awesome service. - for other events as well. There was
Turns out he is a student at A&M, a forces brat accommodation and dining available, it could be
and had been in Germany with his dad. He’d also booked for conferences and they were running a
been to Ireland and we wittered on the whole way special wedding reception package as we visited -
there and back. He was most informative of the they’d just finished all the valentines’ day events.
local licensing and enforcement laws here - noting As a small wine producer - you’ve got to have
there were 7 different police forces responsible for diversity if you want to make a living, let alone
that area of town - University police, city police, grow.
county sheriff ’s, Highway patrol and the State Our vineyard tour guide was Sinead (Siobhan - I
Police also had a presence - pointing out the do recall it was a very Irish name, which was my
undercover cop cars - obvious to us from conversational hook to pin hole more about the
Northern Ireland - just look for the heavily wines and get extra free samples) and was a
reinforced glass and kick ass suspension lurking viticulture student. Amazingly the local
there to give out parking tickets and stop kids universities specialise in areas of local industry -
doing kid stuff. They were particularly vigilant viticulture for example, but also oil industry
during lock down - gotta meet those targets and workers and for some reason, fire and rescue!
no one was about! Whilst we were at the hotel the place was crawling
I digress - wine. I’m a beer man but I like wine as with Fire Men and Women and other first
well - even went on a few wine tastings courses - responders attending a course… A strange

33
 TOMMY FERGUSON

experience seeing someone come down the lift

with you in the morning in full rescue gear, minute. So, Gary and I trekked the mile or so
including breathing apparatus and no fire alarm. south of the Hilton to the A&M campus village
And I thought these guys were supposed to take like the svelte figures we are, in the hot sun for
the stairs anyway? fried food. Of course, I didn’t know at the time
There was also an evangelical revivalist meeting Gary was a vegetarian – but he indulged me! After
ongoing at the time (picture available) whose sign doubling back once or twice we found it – weird
was just hilarious. Nigel Rowe and myself took a as Gary had been at A&M for a year and knew
beer and listened outside to the speaking in the area! We had a really good breakfast – getting
tongues and glossia going on. A very strange to know each other, swapping stories about life
experience and the counterpoint with the wafting and fandom and also getting some exercise. These
of different types of incense in the hotel was a joy happenstance introductions to people were a
to behold. feature of my trip – Pablo and Nigel were two
more – that re-affirms my faith in fandom every
But back at the vineyard, thankfully I had
time I think it has all gone to the dogs.
remembered both my hat and my sunglasses else it
would have been a really troubling experience - Saturday morning was all about the serious stuff
the sun was particularly hot, even though there of fanzines. After that was the history of Texas
were some low-lying clouds, the UV really burned fandom and fanzines - which was hilarious in the
through them and the dermal layers of my skin. read across to my own history - the same feuds,
Like Iain Banks said, if you’ve been to one the same rush of enthusiasm but not the crappy
distillery, you’ve basically been to them all; it’s zines. These guys did some good stuff. The panel
pretty much the same for vineyards - there’s not was all local and I didn’t know any of them - but
much variety in how you make wine. The real in true Texas style, they didn’t need a mic! Great
interest is the other stuff - the human stories fun. After this was a panel discussion on art and
around the land and the people who work it, the cartooning remembering the much missed Steve
owners and winemakers and then the buildings Stiles. I dipped in and out of this one as I was
and artefacts itself. Loved the usual: “I was a catching up with some nattering and wanted to
hedge fund manager and gave it all up to make get an early lunch as I was doing a bit on the
wine,” but it doesn’t all turn out like a Russell History of NI fandom. This seemed to go well -
Crowe movie. focussing on stuff after the Golden age of Willis,
White and Shaw which people may not be as
Saturday
familiar with. It is a similar story to most regional
Having scoped out the area ahead of the fandoms - lots of enthusiasm, splits, wanes and
convention one eatery jumped straight out of me - then re-surgencies followed by wanes again - the
International House of Pancakes - or iHop to me circle of fannish life indeed. My props - two copies
and you. I have a love-love relationship with iHop of a large Academic style poster - were very
- finding it across my travels in the United States popular; even more so when I said that one of
as a refuge for fried food and HP brown sauce. It’s them was available for immediate editing (it
a thing people, just run with it. So, I canvassed needed it) and people grabbed the sharpies and
opinion on breakfast here someday over the had at it. I’ve got this one back home for revisions
convention and Gary Mattingly and Nigel Rowe with the original with Nigel Rowe for god knows
were the interested parties - though Nigel cried off what nefarious undertakings…
with some vague tiredness excuse at the last

34
 TOMMY FERGUSON

there is still a very sharp mind there It was a

Afterwards was the Texas beer tasting with a
pleasure sharing a meal with him - getting to
bartender straight out of central casting. He
know the person who is the writer.
wouldn’t have looked out of place in Deliverance
and I did find out that indeed he was an Back to the con and the night was an
‘outdoors’ bloke, hunting and shooting and the entertainment night! It started off with the fan
like. I didn’t enquire, but I’m fairly sure he was auction. All the stuff I had brought over was too
into rassling as well… The beer was alright - the late to be included in the auction items and were
Bock was probably the best and after a few sips of laid out on the tables for bidding - and I’m happy
each it was time to pony up if you wanted any to report they all sold for at least their asking
more. prices and one or two items went for $10 plus, this
helped ease my conscience in contributing funds
I then was invited to dine with Andy Hooper and
to the Corflu project and the weight of my carry-
Carrie Root – with Howard Waldrop, Tom Becker
on only baggage for the way home! However, I
and Pat Virzi at a local chain Mexican place – I
did manage to snag a couple of tee-shirts (sorry
jumped at the chance. When I heard Howard
Leslie!) and one or two fanzines. Look forward to
Waldrop was also going to be a guest of the
a review of Janus appearing in TommyWorld
convention - due to Andy Hooper’s amazing
RSN.
fundraising selling old fanzines on eBay - I was
interested but, to be honest, not that much. I Talking of fanzines - I ended up taking home
mentioned this in passing to Eugene Doherty who quite a lot of fanzines - the amazing Taff report
immediately re-educated me and indeed fired over from Jeanne Gomoll (No that’s not me on page
a book to get signed. I was a little bit more 37!), Michael Dobson’s report on the last Corflu, a
prepared then when I set out with him, Andy couple of Incas and some other heavy weights!
Hooper, Carrie Root, Pat Virzi and Tom Becker Shortly after getting back I also received from
(Photo available) for Mexican meal and the nearby Claire Briarly and Mark Plummer some other
Abuelos restaurant. I got to sit beside him and was fanzines - including Beam 15 as I slowly
interested to hear his stories of his writing career, reintroduced myself back into fanzine fandom.
his many (and varied!) interests and some of his Next up was the presentation of Andy Hooper’s
jokes were appallingly good. It is always worth new product: “The Fan who shot Liberty
remember that those we look up to in this fandom Campbell.” As the victim of this horrendous
and community - the writers and creators - are miscarriage of justice that reminds me of Han
people too. He’s not as mobile as he once was but Solo on Star Wars, I was especially keen to deepen

35
 TOMMY FERGUSON

my voice, get some gravel in there (one reviewer revolved around many interesting and funny
noted: “Ferguson’s voice was so gravelly, he was conversations all of which had us roaring in
spitting pebbles…”) and liberally hammed it up to laughter and I caught envious glances from others
porcine proportions. Pity I didn’t have many lines in the suite - what could be so funny? Buggered if
- I really didn’t get to express my creative and I can remember - and hence my queue to have
dramatic side. Hmmm, perhaps that’s why I didn’t some very fine Whiskey Pat Virzi picked up, and
have too many lines! I think Andy confirmed that Rich Coad paid for - having put paid to the first
we were quorate just before we started on the bottle the night before - fair play to him! As Mr
show - quorate meaning more people in the Pepys would say, and so to bed.
audience than on the panel and as you can see Sunday
from the pictures (picture available) there was a Having had too much fun – is there such a thing?
cast of thousands! Well, eight or nine… – at the con suite the night before I trooped down
I’d volunteered to be a panellist on Sandra Bond’s to the banquet ready for a good feed. And Texas
Just a Minac panel game show before the lived up to its name – a big spread of char-grilled
convention and was nervous enough to start dead animals was laid on – and some veggie stuff
regretting it when it became clear Rich Coad was too. Just what I needed. Talk around the table was
a past winner and great competitor. A few beers in about travelling – Sandra was having challenges in
and I was getting into the flow, whereas Rich was re-arranging flights and Rob Jackson and flight
well ahead of me on the beer front and was losing had just been cancelled so we’d be travelling home
all balance. After an initial mistake of Elric for a day early. To be honest this was a good and bad
Elrond (much hilarity ensued) I thought I’d riff on thing – I wanted to stay the extra day with all the
this and it felt like it was ten minutes rather than people I’d, new and old, but was keen to get back
one - I was so off topic, the audience we’re home as the lockdowns started. My wife Leslie is
laughing so much that Sandra and the other was also very keen to have me home – fearing the
panelists didn’t buzz me out. That or the outrage worst.
and indignation from Sandra and Andy meant The usual post-con dead dog feeling was therefore
that I kept on, in all seriousness, with the initial exacerbated and goodbyes seemed to be a bit
joke. That was a lot of fun - so much so that the rushed and hurried. Rob was again driving me
sneakily serious Keith Freeman pipped me at the back to the airport and, weirdly given everything
post to win. Fully deserved - well done Sandra. that was going on, our return trip was uneventful.
After that I spent most of my time in the con suite I did miss my connecting flight to Belfast - but I
- had a really interesting chat about politics and think once we’d landed at Heathrow - and got
growing up with Pablo - we shared a lot of immediately separated – there was a feeling that
political influences, his current, me from my everything was all right. It was a nice echo of my
earlier days. And yet, from then to now, the re-introduction to fandom – and more will come
establishment still exists. Later I was involved in a of that in terms of fanzines, convention going and
group conversation with Jeanne Gomoll, Scott even organising.
Curtis, Bowman and Alan Rosenthal which

36
OUTWORLDS BLUES
NOT THE SLACKERS

Oh, the field has grown so big an'all

There's fanzines coming out the walls
But not enough that aren't just balls
Woah
Oh, the blogs are now so big an'all
But they don't seem to care at all
About the faneds who are still old school
Woah

Oh, only Glyer knows

Where the comment goes
Should be enough to feed our world
But not to nominate Outworlds. (Outworlds.)

Not to nominate Outworlds. (Outworlds.)

Not to nominate Outworlds

Oh, the Hugos are so big an'all

The New York Times reports the score
But not a mention of Outworlds
Woah
Oh, the speeches all just seem so small
And petty nagging from them all
But not a mention of Outworlds
Woah
Oh, the thrones man knows
Where the money goes
Should be enough to feed our world
But not a mention of Outworlds. (Outworlds.)

Original song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNsuJMA10AE

Lyrical manipulation by Nic Farey

37
LULZINE #4
JACQUELINE MONAHAN & JOHN WESLEY HARDIN

A new fanzine focused on comedy and comedy in science fanzine issues,” says John. Monthly issues are
fiction and fantasy. Edited by John Coxon and España expected beginning January 2021.
Sheriff ” (header and logo artwork by Sara Felix) I like to state that John Coxon was the reason that
I gained 100 pounds during the Tun (1st
Holiday Issue Thursday) meeting at the Melton Mowbray in
London. It only took a few seconds, and I lost
Long, long ago, in a society far, far away
those pounds within days. True story.
(Christmas, 2019) the holiday issue of Lulzine
(Issue #4) appeared in efanzines in the week I almost contributed to the proposed Terry
between Christmas and New Year’s day. It was a Pratchett issue of Lulzine, but self-censored the
much simpler time. There was no Covid 19 (yet) piece because I deemed it “not funny enough”.
no mask requirement, plenty of toilet paper and Well, perhaps there was some humor to be found
limitless social gatherings. Those were the days. in the attempt to review a Pratchett standalone by
Jacq of the All Jacq’d Up, the Beam, and the
Lulzine #4 is edited by husband-and-wife team of
LoCless Monster. Instead, I present commentary
(Dr.) John Coxon and España Sheriff. I met them
on the sparkly little Holiday Issue, Lulzine #4 with
on my TAFF trip to the UK in 2012 and snapped
requisite admiration for fans everywhere, pubbing
this picture of the happy couple.
an ish and carrying on.
A Christmas Miracle!
A welcome and bestowal of good wishes from
editor España Sheriff, composed on an iPad on
Christmas Day, Lulzine#4 segues into…
A Holiday Party in Ukraine
It’s beginning to look a lot like holubtsi.
Chuck Serface pens a remembrance of Christmas
Past during a stint as a Peace Corps volunteer in
Ternopil, Ukraine that manages to be both
incongruous and familiar, while highlighting the
universal hilarity of slipping on ice. All
eyewitnesses are thousands of miles away, but Mr.
Serface lets us in on the fall.
There is more to it than that, but Mr. Serface is a
skilled writer who knows where all the comic
timing and ironies lie. Despite a spate of
challenges that include catastrophic health issues
involving himself and both parents, Mr. Serface
fulfills his dream of teaching English in a faraway
The ‘zine commenced publication at four issues land.
per year, and includes links to related articles in
In his own words, “ I also led English groups, film
each issue. “More akin to television seasons than
groups, literature groups, and I participated and
helped plan summer camps…in the Department

38
 JACQUELINE MONAHAN & JOHN WESLEY HARDIN

of Foreign Languages for Banking Business at The 70s were, after all, the ME decade. NO
Ternopil National Economic University, where I ONE was saying NO to drugs. The Star Wars
landed because I have a master’s degree in English Holiday Special can be looked at as a most serious
Literature, and because they’d requested a male attempt at wooing the single-digit age group into
who wasn’t too young.” the elements of the Force (complete with
Picture it, Christmas 2008. The titular holiday corresponding merchandise and a built-in “nag
party occurs at a swanky restaurant by the name factor” for parents, creating pint-sized and lifelong
of Marzipan. There are tables laden with metric “Wookiee monsters” along the way.
tons of food, in endless courses; there are dance As the complete production can be accessed on
floors and… bowling lanes! I’m picturing long YouTube, (running time: 1:37:28, pre-empting the
sequined gowns, business suits, and suede saddle Incredible Hulk and Wonder Woman on the CBS
shoes adorned with European shoe sizes. “Excuse network) I dutifully watched it with an open mind,
me, these are a 38 and I need a 40!” alternating cringey disbelief and bemusement.
There is “perk” among the enormous variety of I found a kitschy time capsule of dearly departed
fish offered as a first course, a charming icons and dubious decision-making. Carrie Fisher
mispronunciation from a colleague. There is a sings of har-MO-ny while leaning on Chewie,
three-toast minimum, pressed even upon high AF. Hey, she admitted it.
teetotalers. Pass it, and you’re okay with the That’s the last musical number. First, you’ll be
crowd by proclaiming, “On horseback!” There is treated to the interior of a diamond-shaped tree
communal dancing and idiosyncratic bowling. pod on Kashyyk, where Chewbacca’s wife Malla,
At party’s end there are pockets full of leftovers son Lumpy, and father-in-law, Itchy. They all have
for our Peace Corps volunteer, who could have longer names, but how is a four-year old going to
very well ended the night by saying “Thanks for say Attichitcuk? Itchy it is.
all the fish!” The crowd’s liquor-infused trip home Apparently, there are aprons, stockpots, chores,
at dawn on icy streets would have made an video games, and sexy VR fantasies on Kashyyk
entertaining YouTube video. (Itchy’s got wood for Diahann Carroll). Ed
All of these events are made even more enjoyable Norton is a merchant. Maude is a singing
by Mr. Serface’s straight-man style of relating the bartender. Harvey Korman’s in drag for one of
tale. We are with him as he takes a spill, flat on his three characters. The Jefferson Starship gets
his back on an icy sidewalk with an office chair on to squeeze in a song before a lawsuit forces them
his chest. We receive a playful slap from the Dean to drop Jefferson from their name.
of Agriculture after he bellows, “I love America!” Why am I telling you all this? Read Chris
We dance for 45 minutes. We eat “perk.” And we Garcia’s review. He’s got mad love for the canon;
bowl. I’m simply mad. A sentient bag of cocaine,
It is, after all, Christmas. indeed.
Star Wars Holiday Special Utterly, Utterly Merry
Chris Garcia deconstructs the Star Wars Holiday Editor John Coxon reviews The Utterly Utterly Merry
Special, (watch for the Topo Gigio reference) Comic Relief Christmas Book 1986, the Douglas
through the eyes of a four-year-old then (1978). Adams edited-and-dominant contributor of a
Having two four-year-olds now, he pleads for volume that was a fundraising effort for famine in
acceptance, forgiveness, and appreciation. I just Ethiopia. Including work by Terry Jones, Graham
had to experience this for myself. Chapman, Michael Palin of Python fame as well

39
 JACQUELINE MONAHAN & JOHN WESLEY HARDIN

as Sue Townsend (Adrian Mole), the book also LoCs

features a Sir Humphrey Appleby letter, The letter column includes missives from John
composed of a single, uninterrupted sentence. Thiel, Tavi, Baron, and John Purcell. All of
Isn’t that the way a lot of politicians talk? whom provide encouragement to the editors to
In the U.S., the book is a rare find these days, keep the lulz(ines) coming.
offered on Amazon for $657.91 - $1008.00 USD. Lulz - /ləlz/ - fun, laughter, or amusement, especially that
However, our intrepid editor tells us that, “it is not derived at another's expense.
difficult to find on eBay and will only run you
around £2, so if you’re curious, it’s well worth Lull Zine
picking up a copy.” John Wesley Hardin
Mr. Coxon vacillates on the idea that this might be This is where my contribution would be if I
his favorite Christmas artifact of all time, but weren’t a lazy git. When she completed her part
explains himself in proper footnotes at article’s and forwarded it to me, Jacq’s email subject
end. Just what you’d expect from a post-doctoral contained the proviso “due in October 2020.”
scientist. Jealous much? Me, too. And so here we are, sometime later, let’s say.
A Friendly Desert Community (Artwork by This issue was already a time capsule from
maXKennedy on Deviantart) another era when we decided to review it, and my
Rae Thompson’s review of the Welcome to Night procrastination has only emphasized that.
Vale podcast tells of its skillful braiding of horror Lulzine.net is dead, but the zine lives on at
and humor. https://tinyletter.com/lulzine, where issues 5
through 14 may be found.
Of course, your humble correspondent had to
Issue #4, reviewed here, may be found at John
immediately listen to a few of these Welcome to
Coxon’s site: https://procrastinations.co.uk/
Night Vale podcasts to get the sardonic wit, the
fanac/lulzine-4/.
unease, the straight-faced logic, the quietly
hilarious absurdity served on a platter of I can assure you that the funniest thing in it is
unwavering veracity. Weather reports are Chris Garcia’s Swiftian defense of The Star Wars
presented as interpretive dance…just kidding. Holiday Special, wherein he argues that it is actually
They’re presented as song. It’s left to the listener good and people are wrong for hating it.
to discover what type of outerwear is needed.
Night radio lends itself splendidly to both genres,
and there are parallels to Amazon Prime’s The
Vast of Night, although Night Vale preceded it by
five years. The poetic narrative, the slight
discomfort, the deceptively mundane populace,
the eerie events, and a love interest all emerge.
The difference is that with Night Vale, you supply
the visuals, just like radio plays in the pre-
television era. Welcome to Night Vale is
seductive, and with 150 episodes, it won’t be a
one-night stand.

40
FANDOM CONSIDERED
AS A 1966 TWO-TONE TRIUMPH HERALD
SANDRA BOND

Introduction: Well, what do you say when your Fandom invented the wheel nearly a hundred
name finally comes out of the hat? years ago. Perhaps we might even think of this
Some Corflu attendees, through nerves or wheel as Forrest J Ackerman. Of course, there
meticulousness, write a speech before their first were other wheels too, in New York –
event and carry it round every year forever after, [draws second wheel]
just in case. (It is probably a base lie that one or – with the Futurians and their rivals. Elsewhere
two of these predate the word processor.) I in the US...
preferred to worry about it as-and-when, so when
“it” came, all I knew was that I wanted to [third wheel]
compose something that was an actual speech, … and other countries.
rather than a ramble or a fanzine article. [fourth wheel]
Drawing on memories of Claire Brialey and her And fandom had fun for a bit rolling these wheels
deck of cards, I wondered what props I could around. But pretty soon, we started to realise that
use, and came up with nothing better than a the wheels seemed to always roll in pretty much
flipchart and pen. the same direction…
I really, really cannot draw... [draws axles]
--- ...and that it was more fun still to get four wheels
I expect you’re wondering why I called you all together and run them in tandem. Gee whiz,
here tonight. Heh, heh, heh, heh… oops, sorry! mom! Look at what we made! It’s soap box derby
Wrong speech. time!
[ostentatiously fiddles with tablet] [draws soap box “chassis”]
Ah… Friends, fellow fans, and fuggheads - lend Of course, once those early fans started rolling
me your ears. I come to bury fandom and to their soap box around, it drew attention. Some
praise it. people mocked it as a futile, childish habit (“gosh
Because fandom is simultaneously dead, and wow ohboyohboy!”) but plenty of people thought
thriving like never before. it looked interesting enough, fun enough, to get
Let me elucidate… involved.
You know the story of grandfather’s axe, which I And as they did, the soapbox that was fandom
still use today? And in all that time, it’s only started to get sophisticated. Instead of mere
needed two new heads and three new handles? correspondence, fanzines began to appear and to
thrive. Let’s call that the equivalent of putting an
That’s fandom, that is. engine onto our cartie.
Perhaps some of you are thinking this analogy is [draws it]
a little glib and simple. Okay, let’s develop it.
(Yes, that’s meant to be an engine. For all that my
Let’s start with the invention of the wheel. name appears in the art credits in the new Banana
[draws one on board] Wings, I can’t draw for toffee.)
A wheel. The simplest machine. Or is that the Well, that engine made quite a difference. And
lever? Never mind. let’s not forget that while we’ve been inventing

41
 SANDRA BOND

our vehicle, other things have been going on… [draws them, or tries to]
such as road-building. (It’s a fault of some ...it’s the Wheels of IF. Let’s buy a newer, better
fanhistorians, or perhaps I should say it used to mimeograph for our fanzine - wow, a new
be, to ignore the impact of inconvenient engine, look how fast we can go now! Let’s add
mundane events on fandom - such as, oh, world tail fins and radio antennae and - well you get
wars and things.) the idea. Some of the new parts were vital, like
So fandom looked up from putting an engine in, brakes and steering. Others were less vital but
to find that all of a sudden there were roads to certainly useful, like interior ashtrays. And in
drive on. Brrrm, brrrm! 1953 someone had the idea of a hood ornament,
[draws cloud of smoke and motion lines to show car in the shape of a little rocket…
‘driving’] [adds all these]
Here’s a fun fact - if you Google “how many Around this point, some fans began to think that
parts in a car?”, you get answers ranging from if they were having so much fun with one car,
thirty thousand all the way down to eighteen they’d surely have exponentially more fun if they
hundred. This may seem inexact but, after all, built another. So they did. We got comics
what is a part… and what is a fan? Well, quite. fandom - their car was quite like the first one but
As with any car, some bits fall off, or break, or painted brighter. We got Lovecraft fandom -
become outmoded. But luckily there were plenty their car had an interesting hollow knocking
of mechanics and garages to mend them, or sound from the engine, and their hood ornament
replace them with newer and better ones. Hey, was a bit awful.
let’s upgrade to some white wall tyres…

42
 SANDRA BOND

But there was plenty of room on the road for people admire our classic cars, sometimes they
them all. Sure, now and again one car might mock them for their lack of modern bells and
honk its horn at another, but you couldn’t call it whistles. Some of us care and some of us don’t.
congested. But most of us enjoy the drive, whether we take
New cars kept coming, though, more and more to the road every day, or only bring our motor
of them. The Ford Enterprise, for example - it out of the garage on Easter weekends.
had pointy bits, and something called nacelles. In the last two years, somehow, all the roads
(I’ve never known what a nacelle is. Do you?) developed nasty potholes at once, and it became
Then there was the Mercury Skywalker, which unsafe to drive as we’d become used to. Luckily,
claimed to have been invented a long time ago in they’d developed an alternative road system,
a galaxy far far away, even though it was patently called “superhighways”, and it turned out that
this year’s model. And of course all those they were just the thing for our fan car. It’s a
Japanese imports began to come along… regular sight, these days, to see a bunch of us go
The roads were busy, now, and accidents started out for a drive together on Tuesday nights, or
to happen. Sometimes we took a speed bump too even 10.30am every weekday.
fast and rattled everyone’s teeth. We scraped a They’re still coming up with ideas for better and
gatepost in 1958 and knocked a few bits off the faster new roads. Who knows? Maybe soon we
car. We had a pretty nasty fender bender in won’t need to drive at all; maybe the experience
1964, and another in 1984. A few mechanics of driving will be beamed direct to our cerebral
shook their head and said “write off ”. But they cortex, because we’ll all be living in the
were wrong. We resprayed the car of fandom metaverse. Well, that should at least solve John
and stuck the wing mirror back on, and drove on Coxon’s problem of unopened, unread fanzines;
down the road. once they’re downloaded straight to his brain, he
But the road was becoming crowded. won’t have that excuse any more…
Driving isn’t what it used to be, and neither is All analogies, like all fans, fall over if you push
fandom. Once upon a time, a trip in a motor car them hard enough, so I’d better stop before this
was an event to be looked forward to. Now it’s a speech becomes a case of “I had one once, but
necessary chore at best, or positively tedious at the wheels fell off ”.
worst. Everyone drives a car nowadays. You hear I have been Sandra Bond, and this has been
the dullest, most mundane people talking about ‘Fandom Considered As A 1966 Two-Tone
spark plugs and comparing cupholders. And we Triumph Herald’. Thank you, Corflu.
have all experienced the annoying boy racer with
no respect for other road users, haven’t we?
So perhaps it’s no wonder that in 1984, we had
the wonderful idea of starting our own little
classic car show. Perhaps it’s no wonder that this
soon became an annual event, and that we are
now strolling around admiring the restoration
jobs at the thirty-eighth such show. Ooh… I like
that Massey Ferguson. [points at Tommy Ferguson] I
remember when that was new!
But we don’t confine ourselves to this show. We
still go out on the ordinary roads. Sometimes

43
TWIDDLY BITS, EMBEZZLEMENT AND BEER
ULRIKA O’BRIEN

Prove that you love me and buy the next round, reasoning alone would suggest he would most
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a night on the town? likely be upright, bipedal, roughly bilaterally
Janis Joplin, “Mercedes Benz” symmetrical, with four limbs, one head, and, as
far as I knew, no eyepatch. I wasn’t looking for
Zaphod Beeblebrox. Or Yog Sothoth. Which
Friday, April 3, 1998 – In which I arrive in was kind of a pity, since either would have been
Brum easier to pick out of a crowd. Also, Alan had
Again I stood on an unfamiliar train platform, helpfully described himself to me: typically
looking for a specific, utterly unfamiliar face in a fannish-looking and bearded, but wearing a black
surging sea of unfamiliar faces. This time, the leather motorcycle jacket. Since I knew what my
platform was in Brum, at Birmingham Central idea of typically-fannish looking is – myopic,
station, and I was fresh off the train from London indifferently kempt, prone to colorful t-shirts with
and a stay at the Scott/Cain Superfluous obscure jokes on them, and more plush than
Technology Collective, once more ringed by my muscular – I could also conclude that I wasn’t
Jacob Marley’s chain of attendant luggage, expecting LotR-vintage Orlando Bloom or Viggo
looking for Alan Woodford. Alan and Anne Mortensen, either. Like I don’t already know
Woodford had offered to put me up and take me that? My luck never runs that way.
around to see the sights while I stayed in But even ruling out Zaphod and Viggo still leaves
Birmingham, which was good. I had absolutely a wide somatotypical and pulchritudinal range of
no idea what Alan Woodford looked like, though, hominids to sift through. In that heaving mass of
which was bad. humanity, I was having no luck spotting Alan.
I knew Alan only from Usenet; he was another of Then again, I may have been misled. Alan and I
my invisible pretend friends from seem to have had rather variant ideas of what is
rec.arts.sf.fandom, a pre-social media internet typically fannish-looking. To my eye John
gathering of fans populated by many witty, Dallman would be typically fannish-looking, if
interesting, and clever people. rather more cherubic. Steve
Also, me. Unfortunately, Alan Davies looked typically fannish,
and I hadn’t been witty or clever if more benignly satirical.
enough to exchange photos Even Julian Headlong looked the
ahead of time. (Who am I fan type, if a bit more piratical.
kidding? It’s down to me, really. But Alan Woodford? Alan
I wasn’t clever enough to ask for Woodford looked like a cross
photos of the people I would be between a Goth Hell's Angel and
meeting for the first time so that a hirsute Uncle Fester Addams.
maybe we could actually find Rather more dark and menacing
each other in predictably than fannish. He is, as it turns
crowded places, like airports and out, the sweetest, loveliest,
train stations. Future TAFF kindest man you could ever hope
delegates, learn from my error.) to meet, but you wouldn't want
When I say I had absolutely no your first meeting to be
idea what Alan looked like, I unexpected, in a dark alley,
may be exaggerating. Inductive unless you were tired of life. He
Not Alan Woodford was right about the motorcycle

44
 ULRIKA O’BRIEN

jacket, though. rose-covered vicarages while doing Silly Walks).

Luckily, I had also described myself to Alan. In the event, it was none of the above. I’m
Practicality saved me. I had discovered through afraid it looked dead ordinary. (Sorry, Alan.) A
painful experience that if I didn’t confine it, my 1998 Vauxhall . . . Astra? . . . turned out to be
tediously long hair would catch in or tangle pretty generic: sleek and shiny, but in outline and
around every single shoulder strap, zipper, detail indistinguishable to the inexpert eye from
sliding door, tree branch, closing car boot hatch, any other mid-range sedan being popped out of
or jet turbine within a six foot sphere of my Stuttgart or Nagoya by their thousands on a
head, and then painfully rip out. Of my head. daily basis. I hope I was sufficiently admiring
Rather than go bald by the end of my trip, I had nonetheless.
taken to putting my hair up in a high ponytail Driving to the Woodfords, we chatted about this
braid under a baseball cap. In England, women and that. At one point, recounting events of the
in baseball caps are like unicorns, except they’re previous evening’s London Tun, I mentioned
actually rare. Unicorns, after all, may be seen on Martin Smith had been there, in much his usual
every other pub, passport, or escutcheon. state of amiable insobriety. “Not Bloody Martin
Whereas I was the only woman in a navy-blue Smith from Croydon?” asked Alan, in knowing
baseball cap and oxblood motorcycle jacket tones. “Him, yes. I don’t use his full title and
wherever I went. So when the straggly-bearded, style just among friends.” Everywhere I went,
ominously thuggish-looking (though, admittedly, UK fans called Martin, “Bloody Martin Smith
bespectacled) goon in jet-black biker leathers from Croydon” all in one breath, as if it were a
loomed up out of the crowd, he was able to formal honorific associated with a peerage. I
introduce himself before I had a chance to faint. had no idea what that signified, though I
Introductions sorted, Alan chattily led me and imagined dire social consequences if one
my retinue of bags away to his waiting car: a committed the solecism of abbreviating it to just
recent Vauxhall coupe with, as Alan proclaimed, his name. Really, the title is just a throwaway
“all the twiddly bits.” Inspired by Alan’s line from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, I just
enthusiasm, I was agog to see this car for myself. didn’t remember it at the time. I hadn’t heard
Now, Vauxhall is not a make of car that gets to the radio show since its first US broadcast, some
the US much (I’d say never, but then Mike Scott 20-odd years before. Thus, the universality of
would pipe up with a pedantic enumeration of the cantrip felt a bit unaccountable. Even
exceptions, so let’s say rarely). This heightened Martin himself got tripped up by it. When he
the anticipation as I had no basis whatever for first turned up at a science fiction convention
knowing what a brand new Vauxhall might look and introduced himself to somebody, the
like. My guesses were a bit random. Possibly, stranger intoned, much as Alan had, “Not
from Alan’s hushed tones, it would look like an Bloody Martin Smith, from Croydon?” Martin
early-Bond-era Aston-Martin, but, wandered away baffled, trying to guess how
pessimistically, maybe more like the boxy ‘70s someone he’d only just met knew he was, in fact,
Vivas you’d see in any episode of The Racing from Croydon. (Or so the story goes.) Media-
Game. (Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did get reference humor is, as noted elsewhere, some
most of my unconscious preconceptions about tricky shit.
life in the UK from old movies and TV shows – Chez Woodfords I had the pleasure of meeting
on the whole it’s lucky that I didn’t arrive on Anne, who was just as sweet and kind as Alan,
British shores expecting everyone to be but a good deal less terrifying to look at. I also
murdering each other with sonic screwdrivers in had the pleasure of spotting my second

45
 ULRIKA O’BRIEN

Beeblebear out in the wild. Beeblebears are a encrustations of ornate moldings. Everywhere
Plate o’ Shrimp phenomenon: once noticed, you looked, coffered ceilings, pseudo-classical
suddenly everywhere. Just the previous evening, gimcracks, and marble busts of dead white men,
in the loving embrace of the Scott-Cain ménage, all of it draped over with countless yards of
I was introduced to my first Beeblebear: a very brocade, silken fringe, braid, and tassels. I was
jolly-looking, carnival-colored teddy bear, with agog and might have stood transfixed with my
two heads, three arms, and an eye patch. Yet mouth hanging wide if the Woodfords hadn’t
more HHG humor. It was adorable. I gently nudged me on into the Library, where the
immediately lusted for one. Now here, the very Group actually met.
next day, yet another of these clever plush This particular meeting of the Brum Group was
marvels, equally color bright and charming, was an EGM, which I think probably stands for
being flaunted before me. I barely resisted a Extraordinary General Meeting, or possibly
larcenous impulse. Bear-napping is a poor way Emergency General Meeting, but probably not
to repay hospitality. Also, practically speaking, Electronic Games Monthly, nor European Gypsy
my bags were already bursting at the seams, and Moth. (Google is only helpful up to a point,
people might notice if I just stuffed a two-headed when it comes to translating acronyms long after
teddy up my shirt. Bearless, we headed out for the fact.) A list of meetings I recently found on
the next stop on my official agenda: a meeting of the Brum group’s website claims that there was
the Brum Group. also a guest speaker that night – Tom Holt – but
The Brum Group – more formally known as the if so, I must have missed him. I certainly didn’t
Birmingham Science Fiction Group-- were discover his books until many years later. The
meeting at a central Birmingham bar called proceedings I recall witnessing on the day were
Bennetts. Yes, I have that right, Claire Brialey. entirely, er, procedural.
No punctuation in the name. Apostrophe Fail is Because I’d long attended LASFS meetings, this
not exclusively an American disease, it turns out. entirely bureaucratic folderol had a comforting
As with so many UK pubs, Bennetts was a Yet familiarity. I’d had plenty of practice at not
Another Former Bank & Revenant Spectacle of knowing what the heck was going on and
Victorian Excess, though perhaps not quite as listening with only half an ear while people
absurdly opulent as the Bank of Scotland just off heatedly debated subjects of marginal interest.
Trafalgar (which, admittedly, actually is still a A good chunk of the meeting revolved around
bank). Bennetts was nonetheless doing its level people complaining that Martin Tudor hadn't
Age of Empire best to cow entering plebs into an made it. Some felt that the publications Martin
appropriate state of groveling humility. An was supposed to be bringing were the main point
arched neoclassical foyer, two stories tall, lined of having a procedural meeting at all. It
with terracotta bas-reliefs and surmounted by a unfolded that Martin had been up much of the
towering dome that might have been nicked previous night getting them written and printed
from a small cathedral, framed the entry. A and ready and had made himself ill doing it. So
massive, etched-glass-and-hand-carved now we had no Martin, and no crucially relevant
mahogany door led you past a starched publications, either. A wiseacre in the audience
doorman-cum-bouncer who, I was reliably observed that if Martin had a defining character
informed, would summarily eject anyone note, this was it. (So character assassination in
arriving in “trainers” – that is the athletic shoes, absentia may be another fannish universal.)
not the athletic coaches. The interior was Meanwhile, if anyone explained to me why some
resplendent with mahogany, gilt, and layered member of the disgruntled masses couldn’t just

46
 ULRIKA O’BRIEN

pop ‘round to poor old Martin’s and pick up the were made (or, this being the UK, “taken”) on
damned publications, I missed that part. the subject of what to do about Sarah, however,
The rest of our time went to people complaining my notes do not disclose them.
about Sarah Freakly (not a pseudonym) and After the official meeting ended we milled
wondering out loud if the club had any recourse around until someone nominated a completely
to legal action. Sarah had seemingly different pub for us to go socialize in. I'm not
misinterpreted her role as Brum Group treasurer sure what was wrong with Bennetts, aside from
and had (allegedly) made off with the entire that obtrusively missing apostrophe. Admittedly
contents of the treasury. This story also held a the main room had grown enormously full and
certain immediate nostalgia for me. TAFF, as noisy over the course of the group’s meeting.
you may recall, was in 1998 still weathering the Possibly folks also objected to the draconian "no
stormy public outrage over Abi Frost ransacking trainers" policy. Whatever the reason, we hiked
the coffers while she was UK through darkened
TAFF administrator, leaving Birmingham until we came to
poor old Martin Tudor (yes, a Much Better pub.
him again) to discover that he Presumably Much Better by
had no money to travel on, dint of not having a “no
and finding it out only on the trainers” rule, since it
very eve of his TAFF trip. otherwise seemed equally full
Martin ended up spending and noisy. My notes are silent
much of his North American on whether this pub had an
visit quietly scrabbling apostrophe, or needed one.
together enough borrowed We trooped in, and after
money to pay his way along, elbow surfing into a
in order that his travels marginally less packed,
wouldn’t be haunted by a vaguely Malaysia-shaped
noisy fannish scandal even space in the corner farthest
while he was still attempting from the beer -- with no
to complete them. That’s not Poor old Martin Tudor tables or chairs free -- we fell
exactly how a TAFF trip is to standing around beaming
supposed to go, after all (either international good will at each
the scrabbling, or being hounded by someone other, since the noise prohibited even shouted
else’s scandal). conversation. After an unproductive interval of
It came out that Sarah was a former girlfriend of not conversing, or being able to get at the beer,
Tony Berry’s. Someone leaned over and someone took the initiative again and trooped us
explained that Abi Frost was another of Tony's off to a marginally less full-and-noisy pub, where
exes. (Fannish fund-holding institutions take there were still no tables or chairs free, but at
note: you might wish to vet any prospective least there were strategically placed pillars to
treasurers by showing them a photo of Tony cling to.
Berry and checking for pupillary response. We had some beer and chat, the details of which
Anyone who seems too keen may warrant more are largely lost to history since I had no note-
invasive scrutiny. Tony would doubtless be taking surface handy. Thanks to unnamed
happy to sell you 8×10 glossies of himself for a sources, I can, however, offer the obligatory
very reasonable fee.) If any actual decisions namechecks. Among the folks who feted me into

47
 ULRIKA O’BRIEN

Brum were the Woodfords, attending in the guise Morning came right on cue, and we broke our
of Brum Group Secretary and Treasurer, Tony fast on a proper English fry-up, courtesy of
and Carol Morton (Brum Group Chairman, and Ann’s excellent cooking. I may never have
Novacon 29 Chair), Pat and Vernon Brown, managed to get out of bed for breakfast at the
Tony Berry in the guise of embezzler bait, Leeds Griffin Hotel, but I surely did not miss out
William McCabe, Yvonne Rowse (Hi Yvonne! on the English Breakfast Experience for all that.
We first met in Brum! Did you remember? I While I already knew and liked beans and fried
sure didn’t!), Dave Holmes and Claire Farrell. tomatoes at breakfast, thanks to my mother’s
Also reconstructed after the fact was the one misspent youth as an au pair in Oxfordshire, I
story that stuck in my head afterwards, despite was pleased to discover that British breakfast
the lack of notes: Dave Holmes’ singular sausages are vastly nicer than American ones.
nomenclature for his kids. He named all of Reader, I snarfed them.
them after characters from the Batman franchise, After breakfast, we stepped out into the steady
it turns out. The first two, with his second wife, Birmingham rain to catch a public conveyance
Lisa, were Joshua Bruce Wayne Holmes, into the city center. The Birmingham Museum
followed by Meggan Selina Holmes. When and Art Gallery beckoned. It had been on my
Dave later hooked up with Claire Farrell, she agenda since the party at Rob and Avedon’s in
flatly refused to let him name their daughter London, where Lise Eisenberg charged me with
after a DC comics character. Instead she wanted the recovery of Vicki Rosenzweig’s lost umbrella.
“Talia,” after Talia Winter of Babylon 5. Dave On the walk to the tram stop I looked eagerly
agreed to it with what one might call suspicious about me, keen to soak up the details of this new
readiness. Claire didn’t discover until too late city in daylight. Birmingham has a long-
that she’d inadvertently stumbled on another standing reputation as an ugly city, but I was
Batman character after all. DC fans more determined to ignore the malicious gossip and
dedicated than me will know that Talia al Ghul see for myself. I was fully prepared to believe
is the sometime girlfriend of Batman, and full that the rumors were exaggerated.
time daughter of Batman’s nemesis, Ra’s al Unfortunately, they are not.
Ghul. Poor Claire. Still, at least none of the
kids’ names would be an obvious middle-school Much of Birmingham is stark, dire, and
ridicule magnet unless they themselves chose to generally grim. It feels naked. Not the graceful,
disclose their Batman connections. In that way, idealized nudity of an odalisque, but the brutal,
it wasn’t as dire as being named “Quasar uncompromising nakedness of a prison strip
Aquarius*,” for example. Or “Random*,” Or, search and firehose shower. It took me some
you know, “Ulrika*,” for that matter. (“Ulrika,” time to figure out why. The suburban
proved to be a cross to bear among Anglophones neighborhood houses seem much like others I
long before I got to the Leeds Corflu and the had seen, pleasant enough, and the city center
persistent cries of “Ulrika-ka-ka-ka!” heralding has its share of graceful older buildings. But
my arrival into any conversation. I won’t go into taken as a whole, Brum is brutally harsh. Yes, in
detail, other than mentioning the college part that’s due to 300 years of industrial soot and
roommate whose boyfriend decided I should be detritus still visible especially along the railroad
known in absentia as “Ancient Smell,”: Old- lines, but it isn’t just that. The single biggest
Reek-uh. So witty.) reason is surprisingly subtle, until it hits you
Saturday, April 4, 1998 – In which a lost
umbrella is not found * Actual names of actual persons

48
 ULRIKA O’BRIEN

smack in the face: there are virtually no trees. other reason one of these inexplicable British
Once I realized, I started actively looking. They memorial spires to somebody or other that look
just aren’t there. Even in older, established like someone neatly sliced the ornate finial top
neighborhoods, there are not the graceful off a stone church tower and plopped it in a
avenues of established trees to soften the edges, public square. Edinburgh has such another,
clean the air, and filter the light. It’s all brick fairly famous memorial, only in soot black.
and stone and asphalt, with none of the (Since the blunt, square towers of England’s
elsewhere-usual London planes or horse many Norman churches all look unfinished, like
chestnuts lining sidewalks. Not so much as a someone came by and lopped the top off the bell
lonely apple tree adorning a front garden. Block tower, I can’t help feeling there’s a story in
upon residential block stretched away with not a that…) The inside of the museum main gallery
single shade tree in sight, just streets and most closely resembles a Victorian train station.
sidewalks and houses with and low gardens and I mean that in the best possible way. I love the
a few weedy shrubs. It’s amazing how dismal a graceful ironwork and light-filled vaults of
city becomes if you remove all the trees. Victorian train stations.
While we were waiting for the tram, I spotted a The museum has quite a fine collection of Pre-
rare grace note – a golden dome shining in the Raphaelite works of its own, but the Pre-
distance – and commented on how it contrasted Raphaelite Women Artists exhibit was the star of
to the unloveliness around it. Anne and Alan, the visit. Vicki Rosenzweig and Lise Eisenberg
unfazed by this critique of Birmingham’s beauty, had seen it previous to our meeting up with Lise
pointed out a television tower, brooding at Rob and Avedon’s party, and Lise had
ominously atop a denuded hill towards the recommended it highly. I’m sure that wasn’t just
horizon, looming above that same dome. Alan because she wanted me to retrieve the umbrella
recounted how a short-lived coalition had she had borrowed from Vicki and then left,
formed to block building that tower. Their main forgotten in one of the coat check rooms of the
argument was that such a stark, industrial museum.
structure would blight the view. “What view?” No, I really am sure, because the show was
came the universal response. The coalition entirely wonderful, full of excellent painters and
collapsed; the hilltop was razed, and the tower photographers I had never even heard of before.
was built. I was particularly struck with the Madonna &
The tram line that runs nearest Ann and Alan’s Child by Marianne Preindelsberger Stokes.
place also runs out to that Welsh faerie-sounding Stokes painted her dewy, English-rose Madonna
place, Great Malvern, home of the storied dressed not in traditional blue, but in robes of
Attitude convention. We did not go that way, bright ecclesiastical scarlet. Indeed, she might
alas. We would have needed a time machine to well be wearing actual cardinal’s vestments, with
get to Attitude anyway. On the tram ride into a surplice-front heavily embroidered in gold, and
town, Anne pointed out the stop to get off at for a cloak fitted with deep black velvet lapels and
the best jewelry shopping. cuffs, all contrasting against the delicate white of
The Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery is a the girl’s fine linen veils. Behind her, against an
great big Palladian stone pile sitting on the edge indigo sky, arcs of gold brambles and dry
of a great big non-Palladian stone plaza which hemlock weeds echo the gold of her halo, and
also boasts a fountain, for some reason a full- that of the infant. It’s a surprisingly
scale replica of the Parthenon, and for some transgressive depiction. Her robes make the
Madonna literally a scarlet woman, even with

49
 ULRIKA O’BRIEN

her snowy, modest veils, and if she’s wearing Immediately after winding through the rest of
Catholic clerical robes she’s either cross-dressing, the show, we made a beeline for the gift shop. I
or violating the Church’s prohibition against wanted a keepsake copy of that Madonna.
women priests, or both. Her own expression and Naturally even the shop section dedicated to the
that of the infant are sweetly serene, but the visiting show had none, except in the pages of a
golden brambles behind her strongly put us in gigantic, 60 GBP hardcover of the exhibit
mind of Christ’s crown of thorns and agonizing catalog. I sorted through every single postcard,
death, and I can’t help wondering if the dry seed fridge magnet, and 35mm slide set, just in case.
heads of hemlock aren’t also meant to summon No joy. I couldn’t justify the cost, or the weight,
images of death by suffering. Meanwhile, of the full catalog and felt too disappointed to
though the infant in her arms is fully swaddled, buy anything else. No show souvenirs for me.
the cover draping the child’s head is diaphanous Luckily, with a trip report to write these many
and fine, more like a silk veil than any blanket. years later, I was able to hunt up a cheap used
It’s enough to make me wonder if the holy babe trade paperback of the catalog on ABE Books,
is meant to be a girl. Wouldn’t that be a kick in and have that book sitting before me now. Such
the head? Meanwhile, the vibrant but limited are the powers of the internet. Happy ending.
palette and graphical interplay of lines in the On one of the rotundas there was also a painting
composition make it a very visually arresting by Henry Stacy Marks, entitled “Dominicans in
work, and I utterly loved it. Feathers.” It portrays a gathering of penguins
on a beach. Before I left for my TAFF trip, I had
a long-standing personal set of ironclad rules for
properly appreciating foreign travel: 1. Get lost.
2.Visit a grocery store. 3. See some penguins.
The origins of these rules are obscure, personal,
and not that interesting, but I will staunchly
defend the merits of the first two. They make
travel in another country more grounded, and
more personal. The third rule is mostly
whimsical, and less important. Still, I consider it
a lucky thing I chanced upon Mr. Marks, since
my plans to see living penguins all fell through in
the end, and these would turn out to be the only
penguins I encountered on the whole of my
TAFF trip. Whimsy triumphs again.
Upstairs of the gallery with the Women Pre-
Raphaelites we took in an extensive collection of
wrought iron thingamabobs, whatchamacallits,
and other miscellanea while making our way to
the quite lovely, and extremely pink Edwardian
tea room. I don’t really get where the
Edwardian obsession with pink came from. You
see a lot of it, though. Overreaction to the
decades-long Victorian fad for black, perhaps?
Personally, I don’t mind pink (except the Pepto-

50
 ULRIKA O’BRIEN

Bismollier shades, which this admittedly sort-of Woodfords were waiting, and I am a useless
was) but there was an awful lot of it. coward, and in the end I didn’t pay a second
Nonetheless, we had a very nice tea by way of admission to go back and hunt for it. Wah, as
lunch and escaped the pink demesne none the they say, I am crap.
worse for wear. In the event, the only tourist-tat vendor where I
And then I utterly failed to retrieve Vicki actually found any of those hiking stick badges
Rosenzweig’s lost umbrella. No, I did not forget. was Canterbury cathedral, and affixing just the
Not exactly. When Lise tasked me with fetching one badge wouldn’t have been nearly as funny
the thing, she gave me very precise, complex, anyway, even if I had managed to recover the
and long-winded instructions for how to go umbrella. And if I had been schlepping Vicki’s
about it. These she gave to me in the middle of umbrella around, it would probably have been
a party. Where I was drinking alcohol. hers that I left behind in that funny little
Surrounded by other interesting conversations. restaurant in Wales instead of Mike Scott’s
And not taking notes. No possible way for that loaner. So that’s all right then…
to go wrong. The gist of her narrative, as best I From the museum the Woodfords led me by way
can remember, was that the museum had two of a really charming vaguely Milanese covered
separate left luggage or coat check stations, the shopping arcade to a nearby Blackwell’s book
main one, and another separate one for the shop (because all fannish visitors must always be
reading room or library or whatever it was. I taken to all the book shops in every city, lest they
was to go to the latter and not the former, somehow be burdened with under-filled
because the wrong one would deny all luggage). On the way over, Anne helpfully
knowledge and not tell me of the existence of pointed out all the good shops (and indeed an
the other. After dictating these instructions, entire district) for jewelry shopping. I began to
Lise’s discourse wandered off into an amusing notice a pattern in her line of thought. Sadly, I
fantasia in which I would, once the umbrella was was not sufficiently in cash to consider jewelry
retrieved, buy little enameled metal hiking-stick shopping.
badges from the various tourist stops on my trip,
and attach them to the handle of the umbrella, The Blackwell’s was situated in another lovely
as if the umbrella had been touring the UK on old converted bank building, topped by another
its own before finally returning to Vicki. It was a prettyish cupola. Later in my trip (or was it
genius idea, I thought, but it all hinged on my earlier?) Dave Langford pointed out various
managing to retrieve the umbrella. Which I Reading pubs that were converted former banks.
didn’t. When I brainlessly went to the main left As he saw it, all of Reading’s banks, building
luggage counter (i.e. the wrong one), they denied societies, and similar money lenders were deeply
all knowledge of the umbrella (as predicted) and endangered, under constant threat as they were
did not remind me of the other, more obscure of being renovated into the next trendy
reading room left luggage counter, or indeed, of gastropub. Judging by what I saw in Brum, the
the alleged reading room, though I did ask if malaise may have been more national than
they knew of anywhere else it might be. Nope. I regional. Though, in retrospect, one could have
only remembered the rest of my instructions, wished that more of America’s financial
and the putative existence of that second, institutions had been converted to bars and
reading room left luggage counter after we had bookstores before 2008. That’s hindsight for
already left the museum. In principle I could you. In any event, Blackwells. We shopped. I
have gone back in and tried again, but the bought books. I am weak. I should have taken

51
 ULRIKA O’BRIEN

Anne’s hints and gone jewelry shopping instead. Sunday, 4/5 - Fail Again, Fail Again, Sic
Jewelry weighs much less than books, and takes Transit Gloria Fundie
up a lot less space. I stumbled out of bed at some bleary but
After a brief return to the Woodford horrible hour for a Sunday, with an eye to being
establishment to flop about while I attempted to at Martin & Helena Tudor's place by 9:30. In
nail down the logistical specifics of the next leg the fucking morning, mind you. Alan had some
of my trip, we set out for yet another pub. On Brum Group business to transact with Martin
the way, we stopped for money at a cashpoint, anyway, dropping off or picking up vast stacks of
which we would call a teller machine, or ATM. printed bumf of fannish import, and there had
After taking our pounds sterling, we waited. And been some sort of consensus that I ought to at
waited. With much grinding and clanking, he least meet the seated UK TAFF administrator
machine took just forever to print up each while I was in the same city. I couldn’t recollect
receipt. “Takes longer to print with these old, having been consulted on that consensus, but in
steam-powered Biros,” Alan remarked. “We the abstract it had made some sort of logical
don't have your modern American sense. By the time Sunday morning after a late
appurtenances over here.” Saturday night of beer and conversation and
The pub in question was apparently less popular, beer rolled around, though, it seemed more like
or at least more out of the way, than Friday’s city rank lunacy.
center establishments. So much so that we were I was eyeing the bathroom longingly, wondering
able to secure actual seats at actual tables for the if I had time to get my hair washed before it was
gathered fans and even hear each other speak time to get on the road when Anne popped her
over the ambient background noise. The head up the stairs to point out where the towels
interior walls of the pub sported really beautiful were kept, in case I want a shower. Anne
Victorian glazed tilework in the most luscious, Woodford, psychic saint. Shower. Bliss.
mossy jewel green, and the beer they served was Contrary to pre-trip warnings, I never had any
among the best of my entire trip, so it would be trouble getting and surviving hot showers on my
super cool I could recall the name of either one, trip. As far as I can tell, the technology for
but alas. I’m not even sure the tile wasn’t brown, demand water heaters improved exponentially
or where my original, hand-written and liberally somewhere in the interval since last I visited
beer-stained notes are any more. This is what places where they are the standard. Among
happens when you procrastinate for a couple of other things, these newer demand units had
decades. At the table, we were joined by Tony separated the temperature dial from the water
Berry, and Christopher Murphy, and several flow regulation. That gave you the viable option
other fine fans whose names are lost in the mists of setting a temperature you like and then
of rotten memory and inadequate note taking. magically getting the same temperature again
Christopher cheerfully let me flirt with him all the next time you turned the shower back on,
evening long, and took it in very good part, and rather than having to fiddle with a single water-
Tony offered a surprisingly interesting flow-and-temperature adjustment knob with a
explanation of how British postal codes work. “A human-friendly temperature range roughly a c-
postal code is a walk.” There may have also been hair wide which wanders around the dial at
locksmithing stories, which were less memorable. random intervals. Thus you no longer had to
On the whole, though, it was a fine, fine evening. repeatedly risk freezing or scalding yourself to
I wish I could remember the name of that beer. death, even if you have thoughtfully turned off
Ruby something? the water between rinses to save energy. Not, I

52
 ULRIKA O’BRIEN

have to confess, that I did this much. Most England, but come on, now. After the fact,
everywhere I went, I indulged in sybaritic pretty much everyone who knew anything about
Hollywood showers in which I only ever turned UK train travel explained that what I should
off the taps when I was ready to get out again, have done was taken a train down to London,
just as if I didn’t know better. I am a self- hopped the tube, and taken a different train back
indulgent swine, and a bad guest. Bad, bad, up to Cambridge from a different station,
bad. But all TAFF winners are bad. Just ask Abi because it would have saved hours. I was only
Frost... working my way up to figuring out this
After re-configuring my luggage to make room counterintuitive routing on my own when Anne
for even more books -- there's an analogy to the and Alan volunteered to drive me out to
thin mint gag from Monty Python's THE Cambridge the next morning. Alan was
MEANING OF LIFE in here somewhere -- I generally eager to blow out the cobwebs from
lurched raggedly downstairs, to the kitchen the Vauxhall anyway, or so he said.
where Anne had sausage butties on for breakfast. And so after a short visit we bade farewell to the
Wild boar sausage butties, in fact. It would be Tudors, crammed my luggage into the
nice to be able to claim that there is something Vauxhall’s boot and set off for Cambridge in the
rapturously special about wild boar sausage (or perpetual Birmingham rain.
crazed feral pig sausage, as the Woodfords style On the eastern outskirts of town, we passed the
it), but in fact I wouldn't have known that the manicured velvet sweep of a golf course.
sausages weren’t made from ordinary Groups of little figures hunched under huge
domesticated porkers if Anne hadn't told me. umbrellas dotted the greens in small clusters. I
These sausages were no more nor less wonderful did a double take. “Jesus, they're golfing!” “Oh,
than yesterday’s herbed pork sausages had been, sure, it’s Sunday,” Alan explained. “It’s probably
which is to say, still very wonderful indeed. the only chance some of them get.” “But it’s
Again, I snarfed them. raining,” I wailed. “Oh, yes,” came the placid
The visit with Martin Tudor was necessarily reply.
short not just because he was minding the Okay, yes, I know there are these extra big
charming pink spud that was his relatively umbrellas that are often referred to as golf
newborn daughter, but because the Woodfords umbrellas. But somehow, I had never put
and I had to hit the road for Cambridge, where I together that golf umbrellas had anything to do
had a lunch date. with golfing in the rain. If I had thought about
Much of my Saturday afternoon had been spent it at all, which I hadn’t, I would have assumed
in discovering that my optimistic expectation of they were called golf umbrellas for some
getting from Birmingham to Cambridge by unrelated, false-cognate sort of reason, like the
direct train all on a Sunday morning was way bourbon vanilla has no bourbon in it. Or I
woefully, laughably naïve. Firstly, East/West might have speculated that they were for keeping
trains are not really a thing in England. To the the sun off while golfing, even though that would
extent that they are a thing at all, they most make them golf parasols. Who would bother
definitely are not a thing on a Sunday morning. with golfing in the rain when you could wait a
Nope. The best I could hope for was catching day, or drive out to Palm Springs? Too many
an early morning milk train and spending years in Southern California will rot your brain,
something like nine hours to travel 100 miles. I I reckon. You forget there are places that have
know a hundred miles is a long distance in seasons, and weather, rather than just climate. So

53
 ULRIKA O’BRIEN

there I sat in the backseat, quietly boggling for the Woodfords by discreetly checking with my
several miles, to the tune of a Monty Python Cambridge hosts if Anne and Alan might be
album Alan had popped into the car stereo. added to the lunch party, and I just…failed.
Eventually "The Philosopher's Drinking Song" Total mental hang fire. I even saw the whole
came up on the play list, and the three of us panorama as from a height but couldn’t figure
sang along with lusty, if somewhat tuneless, out the way to open my mouth and actually say
enthusiasm. something useful while Anne and Alan said their
The drive passed pleasantly enough, albeit goodbyes and drove away again. I am a useless,
without any further umbrella-related epiphanies, incompetent clot when it comes to taking charge
and eventually, it stopped raining. Or, more of unfamiliar social situations, and I should have
correctly, eventually we drove far enough to get spoken up, and I’m profoundly sorry that I
out of the rain. didn’t. Anne and Alan, at the very least you
should have gotten lunch and a pint for the very
In Cambridge, Alan navigated his way easily
great kindness of driving me all the way to
enough to Austin Benson’s house, where we were
Cambridge. A very late public apology is a
met by Austin, and Caro and Anne Wilson, and
rotten substitute, but it’s all I have now. I’m
Michael Abbot, with the perpetually cherubic
sorry. I am an idiot. Thus endeth the Brum
John Dallman, who were all gathered to whisk
chapter, not with a bang but merely a whimper.
me off to lunch in a local fern bar.
And this was the moment when
someone who wasn’t raised in a damned
barn would have had the courtesy and
nous to gracefully intervene and bridge a
social gap created by circumstance.
Also, to build connections across
fandom, which was merely my damned
job on this trip. Unfortunately, the only
player I had available was me, and to my
everlasting shame my brain vapor-locked
when Anne and Alan dropped me off.
They would clearly have been happy to
join the group for the meal expedition
and a bit of hanging out before they
turned around to drive all the way back
to Birmingham and its rain, if they’d
only been invited. And Austin and Caro
and the rest of the gang had no way to
know that Anne and Alan had just
driven a hundred miles to Cambridge
solely for the purpose of dropping me off
to then drive a hundred miles home
again. It’s not something Britons are
prone to do in the way that, say, Texans Woodfords, a recent study
might be. This was my opportunity to repay

54
CANON FODDER
N I C FA R E Y
If there’s anyone who hasn’t seen the 2020 ‘Perry with Mason), Lt. Arthur Tragg, also more than
Mason’ series, a warning: here be spoilers. I urge occasionally sympathetic, and by contrast,
you to watch it. although he appears less often, the thoroughly
Last issue, as readers with long memories may anti-Mason Sgt. Holcomb. Tragg doesn’t appear
recall, I wrote about Erle Stanley Gardner, in the 2020 series, but the other two are
primarily and perhaps inevitably about his most important to it.
famous creation, Perry Mason, noting at the end Let’s consider what the “canon” of Perry Mason
that a new tv series had been announced, might be, or indeed argue whether there is one at
purporting to present an origin story for the all, given that the most uncharitable reading of
character. As an unashamed admirer of both the Gardner’s oeuvre might dismiss the characters as
Gardner novels and Raymond Burr’s mere ciphers in service of the story. This isn’t, of
interpretation of Mason (and the work of the course, even close to true, since definitions of
sterling supporting cast), I was looking forward to individual traits are given. Drake, for example, is
this immensely, especially so after learning that defined in the source material as someone who
Matthew Rhys was to portray the title role, can blend in unnoticed, a useful ability for a
having greatly admired his stellar turn in The private detective yet rather belied by the
Americans. sometimes loud jackets worn by William Hopper
The novels contain almost nothing about the in his tv portrayal. He is, though, depicted as the
pasts of any of the players, and it could be said head of what seems to be a successful detective
that to an extent they are characterless, as might agency (with clients other than Mason who get a
be considered typical for such pulpish fiction - mention here and there) and has many agents
they’re described as much by their function available to him. Della Street is inevitably
(lawyer, secretary, private detective, policeman described as “loyal”, having a sometimes too-
and so on) as they are by their quirks, blind level of loyalty which gets her (and Mason)
personalities and physical appearance. This isn’t in trouble. She is, however, also noted for her
necessarily a weakness in popular fiction, tremendous efficiency.
especially of this type which is purely and Most people’s view of the characters will, I
procedurally plot-based. Mason, although suspect, be defined by the Raymond Burr tv
depicted as rather driven, doesn’t actually possess series, which is in large part faithful to whatever
inherently interesting odd personal qualities such as we might deem to be “canon”.
the likes of Poirot or Monk, to cite earlier and Now I don’t know this for sure, not being a
later examples. member of any ESG or Perry Mason fan groups
Mason is already fully formed in the books, a which I’m positive must exist, but I didn’t find
successful and wealthy lawyer, who nevertheless any overt outrage at the 2020 depiction and
lives fairly modestly, albeit having a fancy and origin story, outrage of the type that accompanies
presumed high-dollar office space. His supporting any deviation from accepted lore in, say, Doctor
cast of private detective Paul Drake and loyal Who or Star Trek. The Mason origin writers really
secretary Della Street are in situ and are implied had a blank slate, and made a lot of the
to have known and worked with each other for opportunity.
some time. Also in place, the “adversaries”, It’s initially jarring to see Mason as a shabby and
consisting of District Attorney Hamilton Burger somewhat down-and-out private detective himself
(who displays an off-and-on actual friendliness in the service of also somewhat impoverished

55
 N I C FA R E Y

lawyer E.B. Jonathan, a typically fine turn by Is any of that credible to the source? I’d argue
John Lithgow. The divorced(!) Mason lives alone yes, why not, since Gardner provided no history
on his more or less derelict family farm, his wife at all. Throughout the series you can see Mason
and son(!) ensconced a little more comfortably in the process of becoming the one we think we
elsewhere. The setting is Depression-era, knew - and this was risky writing. In the hands of
although Los Angeles is in a much better a lesser actor the portrayal could have been an
condition of recovery, prospering in fact, than utter dud, but Rhys manages the development
most of the rest of the country. It’s also revealed magnificently. One can’t help but wonder
that Mason is a WW1 veteran, suffers PTSD and whether the original casting choice (Robert
has a “blue ticket” discharge, neither honorable Downey Jr.) could have done as well - he only
nor dishonorable. This type of discharge, withdrew due to movie commitments and still
incidentally, was used a great deal in later years executive produces the show.
to remove homosexuals from the military. In We also get Della Street portrayed as a lesbian
Mason’s case, however, his discharge was due to (or at least bisexual, although there’s none of the
an incident in which he euthanized several of his flirtation between her and Mason that occurs in
comrades while fleeing a gas attack. That will the books or between Barbara Hale and Burr).
leave a scar. He’s also in a sexual relationship(!) My attitude to this is, as it is with the sexuality of
with his pilot neighbor Lupe Gibbs (Veronica any character in any show, eh, so what? My only
Falcon) which also involves tequila. Obviously minor eye-roll was really just a bit of derision
not your Raymond Burr Mason. over the apparent requirement that everything has
to have a gay character to be credible to the

56
 N I C FA R E Y

woke brigade, but here Della’s relationship is quickly occurred to me that Drake’s description
shown briefly, matter-of-factly and not at all in the novels as a more or less “invisible man”
salaciously. This version also has her fierce applies perfectly here. Who, after all, in context (as
competence turned up beyond 11. She begins as a servant, humble worker, whatever) would be
E.B.’s secretary, and is both strident and more invisible than a black man at that time?
assertive, qualities which some idiots might The police are for the most part shown as utterly
accuse me of using in that pejorative way of corrupt, and almost none more so than
describing female stereotypes, but she’s far and Holcomb, who in Gardner’s version was shown
away the most competent of all the characters practically as comic relief, a clownish officer
here, and everyone is damn grateful that she is, given to causing head-in-hands moments from
as they should be. After E.B. Jonathan dies mid- both Tragg and Burger. This, if anything, might
case, it is she who calmly forges a document to be the one portrayal that differs very wildly from
show that Mason was serving a legal “canon”, in that it’s impossible to see any kind of
apprenticeship under him, and he is able to pass commonality between this genuinely evil and
the bar with some tutelage from Hamilton amoral officer and the idiot version of the
Burger(!), at this time a deputy DA. original.
And what of Paul Drake? Mason begins here What, I happily wonder, will season 2 bring us?
with a quite different leg-man, Pete Strickland The showrunners have changed, and whether
(Shea Whigham, as well good as just about that will make a significant difference remains to
everyone in the show), who is a dogged and be seen. I’m very much looking forward to see
effective operative but with flexible morals (or where the writers, and Rhys, and the rest of the
lack thereof). We also meet Paul Drake, a black(!) sterling cast are going to take this. I’d also like to
LAPD beat cop caught up in some very think that Erle Stanley Gardner, rather than
questionable actions by his fellow officers who spinning in his grave, is quietly nodding “Yep”.
treat him with disdain
and overt racism. He
is also married, not
the sniffer that
Hopper portrayed,
and we get snippets of
his family life and the
pressure of being
what’s practically
implied to be the only
black cop in
existence. Drake’s
conscience (he is
basically honorable, if
somewhat conflicted)
leads him to assist
Mason, eventually
resigning from the
force to become that
private detective. It

57
SUSCIPE VERBUM
THE READERSHIP

We may have quite forgotten what much of to think I am alert enough to notice, and steal
this is about, it’s been a minute. Dates are all it for myself give credit where it’s due. And I
2020, except for the last one... think you’re dead right that a distinguishing
feature of fanwriting is that it’s written for a
fannish audience.
Claire Brialey
February 29 Mike Glyer
I really will try to respond properly this time, now February 29
that I don’t have to struggle to respond in detail to
Perusing the BEAM 15 lettercol I see Ulrika has
Ulrika’s fluent polemic about the Hugos (since we
the liturgy down pat.
not only had a dog or two in the fight in the
relevant period, but people might well consider we “When handicapping a Hugo race between
were part of the problem). I am, however, objectively excellent work, and work that has a
impressed and oddly touched to see that things huge audience, bet on the biggest audience.”
I’ve written before about my own view of Sure, because we all know a lot of people don’t
fanwriting have not sunk unnoticed; thank you, want to read something excellent. Is that why I’m
Ulrika. I’ll undoubtedly expand on all this if I do reading your letter column? Well, no, it's because
manage to reply, but at least you have this synopsis (undeservedly so, I’m sure) I think of myself as
to use as a WAHF if I just bang on too long or part of your community. When the individuals in
else let us all down again... a “huge audience” think they are part of a fan
I might also have one or two things to say about community, then you have your first clue to what
the odd preferences of a number of your happens in Hugo voting.
contributors and correspondents for applying Ulrika: I’m sorry my point was
erroneous camel case to conventions and - since I insufficiently explicit. I was alluding to the
suffer from this myself and so notice it - a similar fact that Hugo voting is inevitably a
number’s evident inability to notice how other numbers game. Whether people do or don’t
want to read something excellent is
people actually spell their names. But then again I irrelevant if they haven’t actually read (or
might not, since of course it will call down seen) it. Any piece that already has a built
Muphry’s Law on me even more than I tempt it in, pre-existing fan base (in the generic
already. sense of “fan”) will have been seen by far
more people from the start, and is therefore
Nic : I think you’re slightly over WAHF- going to have far more nominations from the
length... outset. While the practice in recent years of
Ulrika: I freely acknowledge that I am the making the nominated “finalist” list
worst letterhack alive – I’m a slow writer at material available to Worldcon members
the best of times and I was traumatized when improves the chances that people will read
a couple of early LoC attempts – that I or look at something once it’s nominated,
actually finished!-- fell right down the it doesn’t help get it nominated in the first
oubliette and never saw publication despite place, and it doesn’t even guarantee that
definitely being received (certain fuckers who voters who already have a favorite will
will remain nameless apparently can’t stand bother to give it a glance. So yes, I stand by
being argued with in public) – and so I am what I said. If you want to bet which way
very remiss in acknowledging your various the voters will go, best odds will favor the
palpable hits when you make them, but when nominee with the biggest pre-established
you make an observation that is spot on, I like audience.

58
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

For an egregious example, consider that Dan conventions much. Which may account for
Steffan has made the Hugo short list for Best his having been on the Hugo ballot the same
Fan Artist exactly once in the last 40 years. number of times as No Award. (Or for that
In the same time span, Frank Wu made the matter, as many times as xkcd cartoonist
same list five times, and won the rocket three Randall Munroe. Munroe is, I grant you, an
times. Leaving aside the fact that very little of exception to my rule of thumb – I’m sure he
Frank Wu’s output even qualifies at as fan art, had by far the largest following of anyone on
being as it is, produced for sale and not given the fan artist ballot that year. Possibly the fact
freely to fandom, I have no hesitation stating that he doesn’t in any way qualify to be in the
that Dan Steffan’s work is objectively better category weighed against him. Even by the
than Frank Wu’s is. Much of Frank’s output inadequate limits set by the wording of the
is clumsy, sloppy, and betrays a sad ineptitude Fan Artist Hugo, Munroe isn’t a fan artist.)
with draftsmanship. Dan’s work, by contrast The Hugos and their short lists are simply not
is consistently tight, well-composed, a measure of objective excellence, or even fit,
beautifully drawn, and a glory of balanced in their respective categories. If excellent
blacks. But Frank is, or at least was for a work is sufficiently well known, it might well
number of years, a very visible guy, and not make the ballot and even win, if not, it might
just visible but pleasant, friendly, expansive, be beaten out by No Award.
outgoing and glad-handing the crap out of Although you also have to consider that what
everyone in arms reach. He has a real knack
for making himself agreeable to people and people vote for is what they think is excellent.
doing it at large regionals and Worldcons, [2019]’s 19 FAAn Award voters, unimpeded by
where people who have Hugo nominating any financial barriers, spread their Best Fanzine
Worldcon memberships are likely to be. I ballots over 29 zines, of which only two got
think that personal PR campaign – and I’m double-digit votes. That's not so different from
not claiming it was cynical or inauthentic, but what happened with last year’s Hugos - 297 voters
definitely was PR -- was a major factor in
Frank’s Hugo wins. nominated 102 different things. What you see in
both cases is there’s an incredible difference of
Dan Steffan meanwhile does really excellent
art mostly in fanzines, many of them not even opinion about what’s best. And unfortunately, the
available electronically. and doesn’t get out of reciprocal works out to be - in the end most
Portland or even attend local regional people will agree that what they thought is the
best didn’t win.
I’m also skeptical about Ulrika
telling John Hertz that it’s just not
reasonable to ask fanzine fans to
actually vote in the Hugos:
“You are, of course, right that if
fanzine fans were to participate in
the Hugo nominating process in
significantly greater numbers, the
chances of fanzine fans winning in
the fan categories would be better.
But it’s not perhaps the most realistic
ask. The financial barrier to
participation isn’t trivial, especially
for those who feel marginalized in
the event.”

59
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

People have always had to join the Worldcon to a requirement to buy a membership in the
become Hugo voters -- why didn't a “financial Worldcon to nominate and vote for the
barrier” keep Dave Langford from winning every Hugos, there has been over time an
incremental shift in incentive (outside of the
year for two decades, or Mimosa and Plokta from Hugo nomination ballot stuffing that John
winning multiple times? advocates) for fanzine fans to fork over money
And that lovely word “marginalized.” Unlike in to an institution that doesn’t actually give a
The Princess Bride, I think that word does mean fuck about them. That’s the point I was
making. And as I say, marginalization is
what you think it means, it just has nothing to do pivotal to it. It made sense for fanzine fans to
with the discussion. contribute (money, time,and effort) to the
Ulrika: The word ‘marginalized’ has Worldcon when it was in whole or in part for
everything to do with the discussion, as it’s and about them; it makes a lot less sense
central to the point I was making to John. when they’ve been pushed out to the
Perhaps you would embarrass yourself less if periphery of the event, or even wholly kicked
you didn’t elect to argue with points you to the curb.
didn’t actually understand. “Marginalized,” A couple of stories on the experience of
comes from the world of literary analysis, marginalization:
specifically the Postmodern, post-colonial Back in 2015 I was Randy Byers’ lieutenant
kind. It refers to people and ideas and in running the fanzine lounge at Sasquan,
practices that are not included in the literary the 73rd Worldcon, in Spokane, and so I
text – they are ignored, assumed to be decided to attend the Hugo award
background or presumed to have been simply presentation ceremony. By the sheerest good
dismissed as unimportant to the narrative. luck, I managed to wangle a place in line
They are only to be found outside the world of with Mark Plummer and Claire Brialey and
the text, i.e. in the margins. Hence, it made for good company and a jolly time
“marginalized.” Fanzine fandom has, I while we waited to get into the auditorium.
would say, increasingly fallen into the Once seated Claire, being the consummate
margins of the Worldcon. Once upon a time, print addict and habitual copy editor that we
fanzine fans were much more central to all love, was actually reading the program
Worldcons, Worldcon fandom, and the Hugos while we waited for the show to start. So to
than they are today. Go far enough back, and her goes the credit of noticing the strange
they were identical with the Worldcon. Now omission. In addition to listing the order of
fanzines and fanzine fandom are far more presentations, names of presenters and so
peripheral, especially in the wake of a forth, the program was padded out with little
deliberate SMOF drive to market and blurbs on each of the awards. There was a
popularize the “brands” of Worldcon and the historical note about when a particular Hugo
Hugos among the wide range of consumers of was first given, and what the criteria for the
SFF who have otherwise little or no contact award were. Do you know what the blurbs
with fandom. That marketing drive sought a had to say about the fan Hugos? Nothing.
much wider audience and to that end, to Not a single word. It’s as if they weren’t
produce an event tailored to those consumers. Hugos at all. This is a paradigm case of
A lot of fanzine fans feel that the currently marginalization. The fan Hugos were
constituted Worldcon has very little interest literally not anywhere in the text that
in them or their interests, that it has very purported to explain all the Hugos.
little to offer them, and that the Hugos,
including the fan Hugos, have very little to A few years before that, I was contacted by a
do with them and what they do anymore. So local fan con volunteer at the behest of Bobbi
yes, it’s perfectly true that there’s always been DuFault. Bobbi was extremely keen on the

60
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

idea of a Seattle Worldcon – had been from their website: “Academic, Art, Beltway,
working toward chairing one for years, above Children’s and Teen programming, Comics,
and beyond the seated Sasquan. Bobbi also Costuming, Gaming, History, Literature,
knew that I was strongly opposed to such a New Media, Music, Publishing, Science, TV
scheme, and she was, for reasons entirely and film, including showings, Writing and
mysterious to me, convinced that I was some Editing.” That’s the full list. Notice
sort of influencer among SMOFs, fanzine anything missing? I’m pretty fantasted that
fandom writ large, and BNFs in general. you think marginalization doesn’t bear on
(Yeah, you can quit giggling any time. I do this conversation, unless it is you who do not
know it’s a ridiculous proposition.) know what it means.
Seemingly, she was determined to change my Nic : Well, as I’m sure you’re aware, I’m in
mind about the abilities of the local con the camp of denigrating the fact that the
running fandom to put on a Worldcon that Hugos are effectively poll-taxed, and that tax
wasn’t a total shit show, and she launched a has become more significant as the years have
series of ill-fated attempts to convince me. rolled on. Granted, in prior years this
Bobbi had apparently appointed this guy who mattered less when what us recidivists might
contacted me to run a fanzine lounge at the term “actual” fanzines, fanwriters and artists
next Norwescon (not, admittedly, a were taking home rockets...
Worldcon, but a large regional with
aspirational connection to the Worldcon, Mark Plummer
including serving as one of the March 1
announcement venues on Easter weekend for
the Hugo short list press releases). [...] I thought I’d try to say something now about
Presumably in hope of softening my stance Pat McMurray’s rather surprising -- to me at least
toward local con runners, Bobbi had told this -- Dublin revelation.
fellow that he ought to ask my advice: that I
had worked on various fanzine lounges in the I suspect that I’m far from being the only British
past and knew a how to run one and whom to fan who thought they knew why Pat wasn’t at the
contact for help and so forth. She thought I Dublin Worldcon. And now it turns out it was
would be a good advisor and resource for him, something else entirely, something going back
and so he should contact me. He did that bit. twenty-five or so years. I suppose it’s not
Do you know what he mainly wished to learn
from me? Whether I didn’t agree with him impossible that what I thought was the reason is
that nobody much cared about fanzines at least related to what he says in Beam #15, but
anymore and that surely there wasn’t any unless Pat ever chooses to elaborate I guess I’ll
point in wasting a lot of effort on running a never know.
fanzine lounge. The guy who had
volunteered to run a fanzine lounge was Pat wonders whether he’ll be believed. Speaking
asking someone who presumably cared personally, yeah, sure, why not? I keep coming
about them whether they weren’t really across things about memory and how we come to
just a total waste of time. I couldn’t genuinely perceive things as true even when
summon the words to respond politely to they’re not, or how we tell stories over and over
that, and so I never did. I am not a fan of again to the point where what we remember is
Norwescons for reasons I’ll leave as an
exercise to the reader, and so I have no idea the story as we've come to tell it rather than the
what happened on the day. I’d guess there event itself. It’s possible that there are facets of
wasn’t a fanzine lounge, though. this story that Pat has omitted through choice or
Meanwhile, here’s a current day example, a accidentally (he has in the past told me his
list of DisCon III’s planned program topics memory is poor), and also that there are aspects

61
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

to this that he never knew, but generally, sure, I Worldcon staff meeting in 1995 somebody asked
believe it happened at least broadly as stated, not me something and I replied to the effect, “You’ll
least because it would be such a bizarre thing to need to speak to Pat McMurray about that” and
make up. the questioner replied, “Ah, I don't see her around
Nic : I’m exceptionally struck by your phrase at the moment but I’ll look out for her”. We were
“what we remember is the story as we’ve come rather amused by the way that the questioner, a
to tell it rather than the event itself”, which rather officious and bumptious type, clearly didn’t
relates at least peripherally to “history is know who Pat was but wasn’t prepared to admit it.
written by the winners”, but also to the So he guessed, and guessed wrong, and that’s why
constructions that are
our fannish identities for many years Pat
(and how those are McMurray was female
perceived) - that’s a within the pages of Banana
topic I’ve addressed Wings. Of course now I’m
previously and will wondering whether I
undoubtedly return mortally offended Pat by
to...
doing this.
A slight personal
But coming back to the
connection comes from
Octocon incident,
the evolution of Pat’s
personally and
name, and how he came
provisionally, I don't think
to be “Patrick” on his CV
I’d read it as antisemitic.
because he was told “Pat’s
I’m prepared to be told
normally a girl’s name in
I’m wrong but looking at
England”. I’m not sure
the IHRA’s working
that’s true generally, and I
definition I don’t see
suspect it’s very much
anything in the examples
based on who each
that fits. Rather I see it as a
individual knows. I suspect
very bad taste and, on the
I know enough female Pats
basis of available evidence,
and male Pats not to make
totally inexplicable “joke”.
an assumption either way,
I really can’t tell from the
whereas when I first came
incident as reported
across the name ‘Bernie
whether this was
Evans’ in British fandom I
something that was
assumed she was a bloke,
somehow targetted at Pat or totally random. Did
and having met her and then coming across the
everybody else have badges with their actual -- or
name ‘Bernie Peek’ I assumed he was female. But,
at least requested -- names? And if they did, was
Nic, you may recall that when you wanted to
the rebadging of Pat for some reason deliberate?
reprint Paul Kincaid’s piece ‘The Dumbing of
Was there, I don’t know, some reason why somebody
Fandom’ from Banana Wings #6 in [2018]’s Corflu
was rebadged ‘Dr Mengele’ and it just happened
fanthology Paul commented on the way that he’d
to be Pat? When Claire and I produced the
referred to Pat McMurray as female, “probably a
souvenir book for the 1998 Eastercon the
private joke, though one I have long since
membership list used the common approach of
forgotten”. I do remember the circumstances. At a

62
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

giving people numbers prefixed by a letter code: A than usually inclined to feuding and obviously that
for Attending Member, G for Guest, S for can get nasty, but even so.
Supporting Member and so on. We decide to One final thing is that Pat chooses not to name
introduce C for Coypu (we were at the time much names which is fair enough, and I note his
inspired by ‘Purple Homicide: Fear and Loathing uncertainty about who was involved beyond that
on Knutsford Heath’ by John Sweeney) and we he knows two people who definitely were and one
applied it to Jim De Liscard and Tobes Valois. My who definitely wasn't. Obviously there are a lot of
memory tells me that we also thought about Irish fans, but not that many who have been
applying it to a chap called Darryl Ottery because around for about twenty-five years and show up
we liked his name but decided not to as we didn’t routinely at UK conventions. There are only
know him and who knew whether he’d find it as thirteen Irish-based members of this year’s
funny as we did? Eastercon [2020] on the public list, for example.
Almost certainly not. So I suspect there aren’t that many suspects and I
Something else that occurred to us when Claire imagine people will try to guess.
and I were talking about this last night. If I [...]
remember correctly, the 1999 Eastercon, the Ulrika: Oh, I think we all have our guesses.
fiftieth in the usual scheme of counting, gave But since the truth is not a defense in British
everybody a personalised badge. Each pre-registered defamation law, I’d say Pat is wise to be
member -- probably 800-1,000 people -- had a circumspect, even in a US-based fanzine.
unique phrase on their badge as well as their And while I agree the Dr. Mengele badge
stunt doesn’t qualify as anti-semitic, it was
name. If you were known to the committee then it certainly in deeply bad taste, and worse, not
was probably targetted, but if not? Honestly, I’m remotely funny. As I’ve said elsewhere, we’re
not sure, but I’m pretty certain at least some were all assholes sometimes, but this was a pretty
puns based on the person’s name and logically clear case of being assholes to no purpose.
many must have been pretty much random. If so,
what are the odds that by pure chance somebody Fred Herman
got something that’s personally offensive?
March 4
I never went to an Octocon. There’s nothing
ideological in that but simply that the timing Although I know next to nothing about Irish
meant it was usually close to Novacon -- the clue fandom beyond random anecdotes about Walt
is in the names in case it’s not obvious, which I Willis, I’d like to thank Pat McMurray for ‘Dr
only mention because it took me an Mengele at Octocon.’ I’m sorry the badge
embarrassingly long time to realise -- plus it incident you describe affected you so badly, Pat,
always seemed further to travel than it really was. but in a weird sort of way I find your reaction
London is actually closer to Dublin than to really heartening. Lately much of the world seems
Edinburgh or Glasgow, but to get there involves to be starting to revert to... older attitudes — so
crossing water and of course it is another country. for what it’s worth, and as a Jewish New Yorker, I
So I have no first hand experience of Octocon, really appreciate your refusing to take part in the
but the people I know who did go regularly “joke,” despite having no personal stake in it. You
seemed to regard it as a pleasant enough apologize for not standing up then, but seems to
convention, and a guaranteed lively good time. I me you absolutely did, precisely by refusing and
did rather get the impression that they were more telling them why — which clearly stung. Seriously,
thank you for doing that.

63
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

I used to make the

Lloyd Penney badges for Ad
March 24 Astra, our local
con, before the
Thank you both
idea of a
for Beam 15. Self-
laminated name
isolation and social
badge with
distancing means
electronic chips
Yvonne and I are
inside was a
stuck inside as
necessity, and if I
usual, so no real
was to make
changes for us.
personalized
Cold and windy
badges for
outside means
committee, staff
more incentive to
and guests, I
stay in. And, that
would never screw
means lots of time
about. Many of us value the badges we bring
to get writing, making jewelry, cleaning up, etc.
home from a con, and I have a drape full of them,
Guess which I’d rather do?
going as far back as 1979. (All of this may sound a
[...] bit off-topic, but I agree, many of us are
Timebinding for me seems to be more reminiscing recovering from toxic childhoods, and many of
than anything else. In this current time of multiple the shenanigans we get up to is our expression of
cancellations of upcoming events due to the the idea that it’s never too late to have a happy
coronavirus, we don’t have much more than that, childhood. My commendations to Patrick, and I
remembering great parties, good friends gone, hope this article sorts a few things for him.)
good friends still with us, and the well-crafted Nic : As an aside, I well recall the truism from
silliness and fun that still makes the both of us Star Trek conrunning days, that every
laugh today. Perhaps our best days are ahead, as committee’s first major argument was over
some might say, but some past days have been what color the various badges should be...
pretty good, too. We have no laurels to rest on, so As I approach 45 years in this fannish asylum, I
we need to keep going, and see what other think that Fandom Is What You Make of it, or
mischief we can get ourselves into. What You Remember It To Be, or Who You
Why any committee would provide any attendee Remember the Best. There are some friends I do
with a badge saying Dr. Mengele, I have no idea. miss because of this quarantine, and when it all
A terrible joke. I’ve been a member of concoms over, I am going to hunt them down, and hug
long enough to know something that many them. They mean so much to me, they know it or
conventions can’t or won’t understand, that the suspect it, and I would be pleased to be able to
badge you issue to attendees is one of the first confirm it. There are the types who make up the
souvenirs of the convention (along with the background of my fandom, and they are
programme book), and you should make it a good important, too. There are those who I’d be happy
one. Usually the badges are blank outside of to see fall off the face of the earth, and they are
whatever artwork you put on it, so any important, for they remind me of some things
personalization on it is what you put on it yourself. done to us by them with the idea of hurting us,

64
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

and they failed, and even now, they smell less than Ian Millsted
roses, shall we say. April 5
The Fanzine Review! Hello, JoHn…suspiciously Thanks for this also. Yes, it’s Sunday afternoon in
drug free, me? You haven’t seen my prescriptions virusland and I’m catching up on loc duties.
lately. I am full of drugs, just not the recreational
Re the Nevala-Lee/Ng/Campbell business I tend
type. Alan’s a grump? Well, a lot of us are,
to agree with the assessment that Campbell was
especially those of us who remember the Good
very right wing and prejudiced and unpleasant in
Old Days, and you kids get off my lawn! Hi, Jacq!
other ways too but not actually a fascist in the
Love you! Best egoboo in many years! Bless you,
sense of emulating the politics of Italy/Spain/
dear, the hell with self-isolating, gimme a hug!
Germany in the 1930s. The use of fascist as a
Alan does remember his days of fandom in the
descriptor for anyone with very right wing views
60s, and those of us from that age and a little later
seems lazy and unhelpful. I was in Dublin for the
(in the 60s, I was going to public school), and we
worldcon but did not attend the Hugos as, being
wish for a return to those simpler days, when
ambivalent, I deliberately waited until there was
fandom was something we could all understand
no queue to ask about tickets and was not upset to
and take part in.
be told they were all gone. I did go to the retro
I have read my share of Perry Mason mysteries, Hugos, though, at which Campbell’s grandson
but fully admit that I also watched the Perry and great-granddaughter were on stage at one
Mason television episodes, with fellow Canadian point. I wonder if they were also at the Hugos. I
Raymond Burr in the lead role. Seeing those would have thought Ng should have declined the
interstitials of Los Angeles in the 50s and 60s was nomination if she was bothered by the Campbell
always interesting, with palm trees everywhere connection.
with the 12-lane Interstates.
Nic : With the usual “don’t give a stuff about
The locol… Some decry the fan Hugos as a waste the Hugos” disclaimer, I fully agree that Ng
of metal and wood or plastic or whatever they’ve should have declined the nomination, and said
screwed the rocket onto. Others decry the fact why at that point, but the Grand Gesture was
that pros are winning some fan awards. I suspect apparently too tempting...
that there are a few in both camps. In our younger The bizarre system of counting the votes for the
days, it was a dream to win a silvery rocket, and I places for the Hugos demonstrates an interesting
think it still is. If they are going to be awarded, thing as well. Where Nevala-Lee’s book seemed to
award the fan awards to the fans. We do place third on the count to find the winner, the
remember when we were active creators, and not subsequent counts put it back into sixth suggesting
the passive consumers the thousands who attend there is a core vote that was eager to vote against
the pro-run cons are. anything relating to Campbell even if, like the
My loc… severe editing on my letters? Yes indeed. Nevala-Lee book, it is a well researched volume
As a newspaper editor in the past, and a hopeful which points out the flaws of the man.
book editor in the present, I know about column-
inches, and making sure you have enough to fill Leigh Edmonds
them. Edit away.
April 9
[...]
For the past month I’ve felt like one of those
dedicated readers who has a stack of books on

65
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

their bedside table with the intention of working was done. But there is no explanation of what is
her (or his) way through them systematically. So if to be done about it. To read Ulrkia’s editorial it
somebody had asked me what I was reading at the seems that a wrong has been done to Campbell’s
moment, instead of listing all those worthy tomes reputation resulting in removal of his name from
of award winning novels and collections, I would an award. Which is worse, the damage to his
have said something like, ‘the world’s best reputation or the removal of his name from the
fanzines’. There are no Hugo winners here, and award? What strikes me is that I don’t recall
only a couple of FAAn winners, but a hell of a lot anyone getting up and defending his reputation or
of good fannish reading. In many ways I feel that stating the reasons why the Campbell name
I’m living in a golden age with a number of should remain attached to that award. (This
outstanding fanzines all appearing on doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, just that I didn’t
efanzines.com in a matter of a couple of weeks. see it. Just as I didn’t see all the fuss that I read
Second in my pile of great fnz this time was your later in thish that apparently appeared in File 770
latest Beam. The only one word description I can brought about by Ulrika’s previous editorial about
find in my mental dictionary to describe this issue the fan writer Hugo). I know that I noticed that
is ‘overwhelming’. So much good and interesting stripping Campbell’s name from the award was
writing, so many things to comment on, so little happening but didn’t feel particularly moved to do
time to do it. That’s the trouble with Big Fat anything about it. So even if I don’t agree with
Fanzines, it is very difficult to give the response to what happened my silence was a tacit approval for
them that they deserve. Unless you are like Jerry what did happen. There are probably many of us
Kaufman and write long and interesting letters of in the same position. So if this editorial were to
comment like the one that graced this issue. lead to a movement to reinstate Campbell’s name
that might achieve something, otherwise it will just
Highlight of the issue was, for me, Ulrika’s
be one of those things. Like the Nazi takeover of
impassioned editorial about what happened to the
Austria and then Czechoslovakia that nobody did
Campbell and Tiptree awards. Partly because it
anything about until it was too late. (Not that I’m
touched on a number of points that interest me
implying anyone is a fascist, or anti-fascist.)
and partly because it was so eloquently argued.
You are right, Ulrika, about the nature of memory Nic : Whether it’s a feeling of helplessness or
one of indifference over these developments,
which is why I much prefer using accounts of the result is the same...
events that were written at the time rather than
memories recounted much later. Oral histories Ulrika: I have, of late, adopted John
McWhorter’s position on the mental state that
are useful for shedding a personal light on drives the current lust for cancellation and
documentary evidence and adding a sense of deplatforming and censorship and Stalinist
having been present on a memorable occasion but erasure: it is a religion. It is a religion because
fans are (or were) such wordy people that they it abdicates susceptibility to rational
have left us almost too much historical evidence to argument. It is a religion because it holds
read that makes oral testimony almost redundant. certain premises not as facts, which might be
in error, but as axiomatic Truths, which must
I’ll get off that hobby horse and onto another. I be accepted as fundamental and undeniable. It
am in full agreement, I think, with Ulrika’s is a religion because anyone who disagrees is
argument and her conclusions. However I am not merely wrong, but unclean, evil, and
uneasy with it. I got the feeling that she was heretical and must be cast out of decent society
and public discourse. There is no arguing
speaking about a wrong that has been done in the with such faith. Attempting to reason with or
science fiction community and explained how it persuade it is a waste of time, and annoys the

66
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

pig. Indeed, it could endanger your livelihood, had. I was also struck by his wish that he had met
if the pig is feeling sufficiently vindictive. So I Randy Byers personally and his loving description
don’t offer any solution to the injustice of of visiting Steve and Elaine Stiles, something that
taking Campbell’s name off the Not A Hugo
that formerly bore his name, because I don’t I will never get to do now. I don’t have much to
believe that there is any solution currently comment on about this contribution but it was
available. Those who are susceptible to reason one of the most entertaining convention reports
can and should continue to do their best to see I’ve read in some time.
our history in the round rather than in
caricature, and seek to preserve knowledge for The letter column is full of lovely stuff too, and a
a better future that may or may not come. lot of it seems to have been sparked by Ulrika’s
Roll your own references to Foundation or A editorial in the previous issue - which is as it
Canticle for Liebowitz here. should be. Thinking about it a little, I’ve come to
Pat McMurray’s contribution was quite moving, the conclusion that the reason for much of the
showing how little things can have very severe and difficulty we currently face is because our fannish
unintended consequences. I reckon that many forefathers couldn’t think of a better thing to call
fans have backgrounds of bullying and
humiliation similar to Pat’s and that one of
the reasons for finding a home in fandom is
to get away from that kind of treatment in
the mundane world, which may be why we
feel so exposed when that kind of thing
happens in fandom. Such violence can be
inflicted so callously but the results can be as
Pat describes. I was tempted to elaborate on
the emotions that Pat stirred up from the
experience of Valma and I in Australian
fandom in the 80s which is one of the
reasons why we have had so little to do with
fandom here since, and why most of my
fanac these days is conducted in the letter
columns of overseas fnz, but let’s let that rest.
Pat is a much braver soul than I to have
written about his experience and feelings so
honestly.
Nic : The Faniverse is, of course, not the
unicorns and rainbows utopia that some
would like to pretend - like any other
subset of humanity, it’s a microcosm of
society in general...
Steve Jeffery’s Corflu report began in the
same vein as Pat’s but the outcome was much
happier. This was one of those reports that
made you wish you had been there, except
with as much energy as Steve appears to have

67
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

themselves than ‘fans’ and ‘fandom’. As a result, that’s the problem with fandom, newcomers are
the way in which we use the word and which the supposed to understand that kind of secret
rest of the world uses the word has become knowledge and instead find something simpler to
confused and most people think that one use of do.)
the word also includes the other. Some time back Somebody will have to explain how an eAPA
an academic historian asked me if I was a fan. I works to me. I hear that ANZAPA is going to
said I was. He thought he meant ‘fan’ as in have a digital mailing with all the contributions as
somebody who was a fan of Star Wars and Star PDFs, but I don’t know whether that will become
Trek and I thought I was using the word in the a permanent thing. Claire will have to let us
sense of somebody who reads and understands know. As I understand it, the thing that
the nuances of Beam, Banana Wings and all those distinguished apas as we know them from other
other fine fannish fanzines . forms of joint distribution is the concept of
In front of me I have an academic tome titled minac. Does that apply to an eAPA? (See,
Aussie Fans, with the subtitle ‘Uniquely Placed in ‘minac’, there’s another secret word. No wonder
Global Popular Culture’. Apart from my chapter nobody comes to play with us, we have such an
it has nothing to do with our fandom, there are ‘exclusive’ culture.)
chapters on people who are fans of tv shows, what On that note of defiance, isn’t there some poem
they call ‘cosplay’, film stars, K-pop and people about not going quietly into the dark ...
who hold parties for the Eurovision contests. How
do we distinguish ourselves from all that. I tried to
do so by referring to science fiction fans, but even David Redd
that term has quite a different meaning before and June 3
after Star Trek and Star Wars. The whole book is
Thank you for emailing/linking No. 15. How
not very interesting from my point of view and
visually tasteful BEAM is these days, I’m thinking,
even my chapter has loss its gloss by now because
gazing now at my print-out of “Unusually in This
I’ve had to read it so many times.
Issue...” with its info, colour, humour and style.
I don’t know that I’d agree that fanzine fandom And its trademark Farey dots. Its most important
has let the weeds grow around its doorway so it is quality is that it makes sense. A layout like this
not attractive to people. I think that Bill Burns back in the psychedelic 60s would have been an
keeps the entrance nice and clean these days but indecipherable splurge of colour and shape. This
it’s been what it was always, just a door in a wall isn’t. I’m impressed.
that doesn’t look very encouraging to most people, Nic : Thanks for that. We do continue to work
and less people these days who may need flashing on aspects of the design...
neon lights to entice them in. Perhaps we should
pass the hat around or have a fan auction to raise Octocon: Pat McMurray’s experience is
lots of money so Bill can upgrade his portal so it saddening (to say the least) especially because
glows in the dark, sparkles and attracts more people showed no understanding or contrition.
people to look inside. Why, the portal to (Should confess here that I’ve done thoughtless
efanzines.com is even less exciting than the portal things myself for which I should have apologised
to my website, and that’s saying something. On and didn’t – sorry everyone, trying to do better
second thoughts, perhaps not, we might end up but still fallible.) For Pat, after reading his story I
with a bunch of brash young fans come in and feel like apologising to him on behalf of humanity.
have to declare Seventh Fandom again. (See, now Then I realise that the victims of the actual Dr

68
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

Mengele deserve much greater apologies, and my fiction, Bloody Murder by Julian Symons. He put
priorities get confused. But it’s Pat’s life here and Gardner amongst writers of “ready-made product
the priority should be sympathies for him. like cornflakes or puffed wheat”, but he also could
Courageous and moving. not help a definite note of approval growing from
More swiftly through the rest, as per notes. “Gardner never pretended to be anything but a
commercial writer” to “Gardner was, within the
A Fair Day Out: off-trail fun, nicely written.
limits of what he attempted, a highly competent
Sock Puppets in Love: good argument for digital writer”. (And one who had Raymond Chandler
reading with video links! as a “close personal friend”.)
FIAWOL: smooth and entertaining – which I Which makes me ponder, did Gardner ever
could say about everything in BEAM of course. attempt to do anything beyond his usual “limits”?
Gentley Does It: A more reputable path to sf than At almost the exact mid-point of Perry Mason’s
my own (via Patrick Moore etc), and as for alien career (c.1953), a few crime writers here in the
aliens, I think Mary Gentle preferred rats to UK felt a need to experiment. Margery
people? Allingham’s ‘The Tiger in the Smoke’ became a
Skyliner #6 ditto as FIAWOL. Not sure these novelist’s existential confrontation between good
capsule comments are working. Right now they’re and evil, ending with the villain deconstructed to
going to break down completely with “Juke of unbirth. Josephine Tey’s ‘The Daughter of Time’
Erle” (ouch), so let’s go on at length about that was almost metafiction about detection and truth.
one, no disrespect to the others. It did all the right Agatha Christie jettisoned all literary devices to
things: entertaining, enlightening, thought- gave us pure scene-setting and dialogue in ‘The
provoking. And since it’s about writing I’ve got to Mousetrap’ – a stage play not a novel, I know, but
chip in. it fits the period in its paring-away of form. Did
Erle Stanley Gardner show any similar desire to
Nic : How do you like thish’s ESG article stretch his genre? The time was right. You say
title?...
that in 1949 he got called “the greatest living
I’d read some Erle Stanley Gardner half a century American writer” (Evelyn Waugh, who knew a
ago (!) and tagged the Perry Mason books as thing or two about writing great novels). I
having the same single-minded efficiency as Poirot wonder, is there buried among the middle Perry
books, and having for a cool transparent style Masons some genre-transcending triumph we – I
where you never noticed the words. Or the – haven’t noticed? Did his “Court of Last Resort”
characters, it seems. I do recall liking his Cool inform any concepts not subsumed into legal
and Lam stories more; in fact their names Bertha sparring? Very likely there’s nothing, but someone
and Donald stayed in my otherwise fallible might know. Just thought I’d ask. (And thought
memory even to today. In later years (in odd you’d like to see how a good article can tug at the
moments when not deep in sf) I regressed back to reader’s mind.)
Sexton Blake thrillers, some of those being of Nic : What we might call “classic” (perhaps
genuine quality when written by Jack Trevor implied “pulp”) detective fiction is generally
Story, and then I moved upmarket to Margery purely situational with splashes of character.
Allingham who did not seem a let-down after J G Later practitioners were much more about
Ballard. integrating the character with the story...
After this long gap I needed to check on Gardner, [...]
so I looked in the classic 70s survey of crime

69
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

Tommy Ferguson Although I’m a firm

June 22 believer that content is
king, I must pause
[...]
before giving my
Sara’s front and thoughts on that to
bacover are fantastic – acknowledge the
reminded that layout and design
Venetia’s cover for work on the zine. I’m
Inca 17 was top of my in awe of these skills,
list of covers for any never having had any,
awards, now I’m and some of the
going to have to elements in the design
rethink that automatic are fantastic. I
assumption. It also particularly like the
looks like there is map layout of the credits
underneath that page – the
effect, or is it like one juxtaposition of the
of those false colour pictures as an angle to
astronomy images – the text is something
either way, there’s a I’ve seen in
lot there. I’m also professional
wondering if this magazines, so I know
washed out water- it is a thing. However,
colour effect is new seeing it here lends
fannish trend? I seem weight to the skill of
to recall seeing it in a layout involved. The
number of places placement of other
recently. Ulrika – do pictures throughout
we expect to see something similar from yourself the zine – Top middle and bottom right – matches
in due course?! what Atom told me many years ago when he was
Ulrika: Well, if you’re looking for watercolor trying to teach me a thing or two – make it
artwork from me, you’ve really no further to relevant to the text and have the ‘faces’ pointing
seek than almost any recent issue of This into the text. Neat!
Here… though I suspect there may be some in
this very issue as well. In terms of style The editorials are a clear contrast in style and
specifics, I doubt I could replicate what Sara indeed substance. Whilst I completely agree with
does, or have any reason to given she does it so you on people looking for something to complain
well herself, but will have to content myself about – I saw a fair bit of this at the Dublin
with my own experiments. They are enough WorldCon – it’s hard not to have a take on it that
to amuse me, anyway. (Apologies for any
weird typographic elements in my responses. then discriminates against people for whom there
The cats keep walking across my keyboard are issues around vulnerability or disability. Even
today.) more so when you’d clearly like to name them.
I’m a big fan of your, let’s call it disruptive (in the
best sense of the word), writing style but equally it

70
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

sometimes grates. I’m thinking, jeez Nic take a discover it was good fun! This riff on 1984 is
break man… exactly that – good fun. Not in laugh out loud way
Ulrika on the other hand is quite insightful. I’ve fun (or groan out loud in Sorenson’s case) but in a
not read much of her writing before, something knowing and dare I say it, intellectual way. Some
I’ll have to correct on this evidence. Like Nic – I nice twists on the theme as well. Well done that
wasn’t a great fan of the whole Timebinding thing man, and sorry for the double plus ungood
– I recall the Memory Hole project thinking this is thoughts earlier…
so much up its own ass, only to realise that the I loved Steve Jeffrey’s Corflu report – just loved it.
problem is me, not you. I really thought the Jumping straight to the end I can confirm, as the
rainbow story was a great metaphor and what the Corflu Fifty guest at Corflu Heatwave I had as
hell am I doing typing this up if not partaking in a much fun as I think Steve did, but I will leave that
great fannish tradition of The Usual? to my own Con report!
Timebinding indeed. I’m particularly taken by Steve’s back story –
Pat and I have chatted about his experiences and challenges in his work and personal life, falling
I’ve had my own travails with Irish fandom – away from fandom and generally getting into a
unfortunately in my case I was one of the assholes funk – all of which resonated with me so much.
involved. Story for another fanzine article. Likewise, the involvement of Rob Jackson in
The snippets from WorldCon are fun – and re- getting me back into the swing of things (not to
reading mine against the others seems to me that mention your constant badgering, Nic) was
we all had similar experiences, good and bad. An instrumental in getting me back involved in
interesting device – getting everyone to write up fannish fandom – as distinct from rocking up at
their viewpoints. Be interested to read something the local pub meet and conventions – proper
from someone who is not part of the community, fandom. And how do we earn this? I asked Steve
or part of another niche in fandom – wondering if the very same questions her had about being the
the queues and mobility would be much bigger Corflu 50 guest: “I was told there was no pressure
issues. do actually do anything except come, be sociable,
meet and chat to people and enjoy myself. Turned
A Fair Day Out – maybe because I don’t know
out to be remarkably easy with that group of
anyone personally mentioned, or my views on
people.” Just like Steve – that didn’t sit well with
going to conventions are different but this did
me, so I mentioned it to Rob on the way over –
nothing for me. I particularly didn’t like the bit
‘what Steve said, basically…’ and Rich Coad was
about Ken Liu – there’s a time and a place for a
more elegant: “Have a drink and talk to
bit of a rant. Hmmm, sorry Leigh!
people…”
Sock Puppets in Love – confession time. My con
Normally at this point I would say I’m insanely
running play experiences have normally involved
jealous – but then I got to do it too. Insanely
Ian Sorenson productions or some really cringe
jealous of whoever rocks up at Corflu Concorde
worthy Masquerade vignette. I’d read about
though.
Andy’s efforts in various fanzines and thought
these were going to be along the same lines – just Looking over my shoulder I see a shelf of Mary
more fannishly inscrutable and with references to Gentle books – she is a fantastic writer and her
things even Sandra Bond has no idea about. So, books are just ones you sink into for a few days –
when John Purcell asked me to take part in on of just as Roy puts it. I always set aside some time
Andy’s productions, I reluctantly agreed only to when her books come out, because I know I’ll be

71
 SUSCIPE VERBUM

up to all hours. No that I can compare them at all have been rude to refuse a friend at his time of
but China Mièville has echoes of her subjects and need, don’t you agree?
style. In less than 2500 words, discuss! As I recall (vaguely), Mark Plummer came up to
us after the item concluded and asked if we had
Steve Green maybe had a little drink beforehand. Given Iain
October 9 2021 was at that moment theatrically pretending to
snog me for a photograph, I suspect we didn't
In an homage to Heracles’ fifth labour, only with need to answer.
slightly less equine shite underfoot, I’m currently
trying to declutter my lounge, during which my
eye fell upon Chris Murphy’s article ‘Novacon WAHF
Memories’ in Beam #5. Replacing said organ in its Alan White, Andy Hooper (“It’s quite lovely;
socket, I read: “Recent stand-out memories are the beauty of a complicated and weighty fanzine
[...] an inebriated Steve Green chatting with Iain is that there is ample material that gives pleasure
Banks”. without reservation, but also many things the
Whilst I appreciate the namecheck, I feel I should reader would change; and BEAM definitely
point out Iain was at least as deeply under the engages the critical imagination. My God, Dublin
influence of alcohol as I was, because he’d been sounds like it was an exhausting slog. Claire makes
consuming large amounts of malt whisky to me feel like I was there.”), Bruce Gillespie,
anaesthetise his stage fright and insisted -- nay, Paul Skelton, Denny Marshall
demanded -- I match him glass for glass. It would

This issue’s loccloud, by worditout.com

72
DIVA DIARIES IN THE TIME OF COVID
S TAC E Y TA P PA N

I got an email from Diane Zola (the Met’s would not get the money they were counting on to
assistant General Manager) telling me that on live. They did not reach out to artists or talk to the
Thursday, April 30 2020, the Metropolitan Opera union about a way to make things even a little less
would be streaming for free the production of bad for their singers, not even singers who had
Marnie I sang in 2018. been rehearsing there for weeks, laying out
I wanted to inform people who were eager to see expenses in the expectation of getting paid when
this production about this news, but also I wanted performances started. They made a decision and
to talk about how that made me feel. stuck with it, even when AGMA (our union) came
to them and pleaded for them to do something for
Some of you may have seen some things I’ve
the soloists.
posted, or otherwise heard, about the Met and the
way they handled this disastrous shutdown of our The Met is the largest and most prolific producer
entire livelihood. Needless to say, my feelings of opera in the United States, and its operating
about the whole situation are incredibly mixed: costs are huge. They have been struggling for
several years to make ends meet. There are many
The Met hired me for eight months, during which
who are critical of Peter Gelb, the general
I was able to make a living, and collect
manager, as being responsible for this situation.
unemployment afterwards during the times when
I was out of work. Collecting unemployment During this struggle, the Met has repeatedly asked
when I did meant I was able to extend my benefits for wage concessions from its singers, both in
without re-applying and going through the contract negotiations, and privately afterwards for
headache so many of my colleagues are, waiting additional ones, even after concessions had
for callbacks and unsure of their status. already been agreed upon in the contract. Most
agreed to these additional requests, even though
While I was living and working in New York, since
the union recommended against it. Because it's
I was an employee, I wasn’t able to deduct my
The Met, and you don’t want to be labeled as not
agent’s fee or most of my housing or per diem a team player and risk not getting hired back.
costs. New York is an expensive city to live in,
especially when I was paying my mortgage and After hearing they were unemployed, artists who
catsitter back home in Chicago on top of had been contracted to work at the Met have
everything else. I was getting the minimum per gotten appeals for donations of money, and many
week the opera was allowed to pay me, and no were asked to sing for free for a sing-from-home
reimbursement for housing or per diem. When my benefit just to help the Met make up its losses. No
job ended I had $10,000 in credit card debt and mention of aid for artists or other employees, only
enough cash for a few months of living expenses. I that it made future work there possible.
feel like the money I got from unemployment There may be a feeling of obligation there, as you
afterwards more than offset this, but for others don’t want to be the petty non-team-player who
getting paid weekly at the Met without such a long turned the request down.
contract, they got the double pain of no Unions exist for this very reason, to help make the
deductions and being unable to qualify for (pre- power difference between those who hire and
pandemic) unemployment benefits. those who are hired more equitable.
The Met, when it cancelled its season and decided There are artists who feel that the Met has been
it would not pay its solo artists, announced it on unfairly loading its financial struggles onto the
social media and in a press release. Many artists backs of its singers, and see this upcoming benefit,
found out this way that they were out of work and

73
 S TAC Y TA P PA N

the free streaming, and the poor/tone deaf A friend of mine posted about her dislike of the
communication as further evidence of this word “pivot,” and on seeing that post I had a very
pattern. strong sympathetic reaction, and after some
The Met has touted their free opera streaming to thought I think I nailed down why that was:
the public as a way to build goodwill and improve We cannot perform live indoors in groups to large
their brand. None of the artists involved in the or even moderate audiences anymore. Not until
productions they are streaming receive anything mitigation efforts have caught up to the spread of
from this (as had been contractually agreed -- we COVID-19, and people follow them. We have in
got a one-time small payment for the recording essence been dark since March 2020, online
and that’s it.) It was kind of them to make me performance efforts notwithstanding. Online
aware that this was streaming again, but with all projects, imaginative and creative though they
the circumstances surrounding the way they have may be, are not the same as what we've done
handled their communication with artists, I am before, there is little to no money in them, and are
not as pleased about being a part of their self- in their infancy as far as proficiency, technical skill,
promotion as I might otherwise have been. and cohesiveness are concerned. Plus for many,
As the nation’s largest opera producer, the Met they are seen as a stopgap - something to sustain
sets an example for all others. Their the art form and keep us in audience's minds until
communications with now unemployed artists we can perform live again.
have been tone-deaf and focused exclusively on In the meantime, producers of opera and classical
the Met’s own survival. The AGMA Soloist music, and universities, are wounded. Funding is
Coalition made a terrific video thanking the many massively down, and ticket revenue is nonexistent.
opera houses, most of them with nowhere near Some producing organizations may not survive. In
the resources the Met has, who were able to help fact, I’d bank on many not surviving. With the
their artists even in a small way. The Met is not on contraction of the economy the pandemic has
that list. https://www.facebook.com/ caused, there just will not be enough capital to go
agmasoloistcoalition/videos/614143542648415/ around, to say nothing of the catastrophic risk of
You can read more of the details of how the Met potentially dying, or of a singer suffering lifelong
has handled their cancellations, and also how lung-based health issues.
other companies have found small ways to help “Pivot” implies clean grace and effortlessness. If I
their artists, by scrolling back through the posts was going to have to adapt to this apocalyptic
at https://www.middleclassartist.com/. thing that has happened, I wasn’t going to “pivot.”
I’m really trying to be fair and sympathetic here. I dragged myself out of the smoldering crater it
This is a hard time for the arts - we are all created, and crawled painfully to a nearby gas
suffering, we are all struggling. I don’t want to station to clean off my burns and wounds with
encourage infighting or sniping. We all need to paper towels and dispenser soap. Then I hunkered
work together to lift each other up. down for a long time until I was sure I wasn’t
But if we want to build a fairer and more gonna get another bomb dropped on my head.
respectful industry, we need to be aware not just of Maybe I’ll limp over to the road to catch a ride
the way it could be, but of the things that somewhere.
currently need improving. Especially when those And where that ride may take me is less important
things are based on the false common assumption than that it takes me anywhere.
that artists have no choice but to accept
powerlessness and poverty to practice their craft.

74
 W H Y T H I S FA N Z I N E I S L A T E , B Y U L R I K A

It’s my fault, as usual. Between Nic and I, I knocked me on my ass. Every day at 3pm and
am definitely the slow writer. I’m faster at again at 3am the chills would set in and then
editing and rewriting, but they’re all my temperature would catapult up to 102° or
surprisingly hard work for me. I hypothesize 103°F and all I could really do was take
this is a function of my ADHD brane. (Yes, I Tylenol, drink crazy amounts of Gatorade, and
have a diagnosis. Yes, we can argue about ride it out and try to sleep. Between spikes I
whether it’s appropriate to pathologize this was too debilitated to do much in terms of
particular type of neurodiversity, and I’m fine seeking medical care, though I promised
with that, but if you want to tell me ADHD myself that if my temperature ever got to
isn’t real, you can just fuck off before starting, 104°F I would pull the plug and call 911. I
okay? There’s a pattern of abilities, disabilities, think the highest I ever got was 103.8°. So
and tendencies, and I have them. Whether we much for arbitrary line-drawing. Eventually I
call that a syndrome, a disorder, or just a fact managed to drag myself to a drive thru Covid
is immaterial.) Writing, rewriting, and editing test. It came back negative. The fevers and
all lean heavily on what’s called Executive exhaustion persisted, though. I tried to get an
Function. And Executive Function is precisely appointment with my regular doctor, but her
what ADHD branes are not so good at, PA kept refusing me, directing me to an
especially for sustained periods. So I have to Urgent Care facility instead. Wah, wah, all the
work on writing in spurts, and then take stupid Urgent Cares were much farther away
breaks between. During the breaks I get than my doctor’s office, and I was fucking
distracted. Getting distracted is something exhausted. Finally, I summoned the ergs and
that ADHD branes are really, really good at, drove to the one clinic that is only a couple of
particularly ones of the distraction type. miles farther away than the stupid emergency
Distraction type. It me. But all this is room at the hospital.
background. The doc there gave me another Covid test
Also, a while back I conceived the idea that it (again negative), listened to my symptoms,
would be cool to hold a Corflu in Vancouver, had me X-rayed, and offered a provisional
BC and managed to con a few people into diagnosis of walking pneumonia. If there is
helping me make that happen. Probably. You lung involvement, he said, and not obviously
may recall there was this pandemic thing that something else, assume it’s pneumonia. He
came blustering in, throwing a great many prescribed antibiotics, and if they stopped the
plans into a cocked hat, conventions among fevers that would confirm the diagnosis. I
them. The work is the work, though, and took the drugs, the fevers went away, the
takes time whether we get a convention out of diagnosis was confirmed. So I had walking
it in the end or not. But this, too, is pneumonia for half of June and all of July, and
background. that’s the story I’m sticking to. In August I
Nic and I had planned to get BEAM #16 out in was still pretty floppy, and September was a
time for Corflu Concorde. Heck, we expected haze of catching up at the day jobbe. And
to get it out in early summer, with maybe time then there was catching up on running Corflu
for a second issue this year. Then in mid-June, Pangloss. And that’s why this fanzine is late.
I developed a cough, and a recurring high Sorry.
fever. The cough wasn’t really much, but the
fevers were horrific. They completely

75