Caroline McGee - Childhood Experiences of Domestic Violence - The Herd, Primal Horde

Childhood Experiences
of Domestic Violence
of related interest
Making an Impact – Children and Domestic Violence
A Reader
Marianne Hester, Chris Pearson and Nicola Harwin
ISBN 1 85302 844 4
The Child’s World

Assessing Children in Need
Edited by Jan Horwath
ISBN 1 85302 957 2
Preventing Violence in Relationships

A Programme for Men Who Feel They Have a Problem
with their Use of Controlling and Violent Behaviour
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ISBN 1 85302 816 9
Creating a Safe Place

Helping Children and Families Recover from Child Sexual Abuse
NCH Children and Families Project
Foreword by Mooli Lahad
ISBN 1 84310 0096
Creative Responses to Child Sexual Abuse

Challenges and Dilemmas
Edited by Sue Richardson and Heather Bacon
Foreword by Frank Cook MP
ISBN 1 85302 884 3
Domestic Violence
Guidelines for Research-Informed Practice
Edited by John P. Vincent and Ernest N. Jouriles
ISBN 1 85302 854 1
Helping Families in Family Centres

Working at Therapeutic Practice
Edited by Linnet McMahon and Adrian Ward
ISBN 1 85302 835 5
Social Work with Children and Families

Getting into Practice
Ian Butler and Gwenda Roberts
ISBN 1 85302 365 5
Child Development for Child Care and Protection Workers

Brigid Daniel, Sally Wassell and Robbie Gilligan
Foreword by Jim Ennis
ISBN 1 85302 633 6
Homeless Children
Problems and Needs
Edited by Panos Vostanis and Stuart Cumella
ISBN 1 85302 595 X
Childhood Experiences
of Domestic Violence
Caroline McGee
Foreword by Hilary Saunders
Jessica Kingsley Publishers

London and New York
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form
(including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether
or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the
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Warning: The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result
in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution.
The right of Caroline McGee to be identified as author of this work has been asserted
by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
First published in the United Kingdom in 2000 by
Jessica Kingsley Publishers Ltd
116 Pentonville Road
London N1 9JB, England
and
29 West 35th Street, 10th fl.
New York, NY 10001-2299, USA
www.jkp.com
© Copyright 2000 Caroline McGee
Second impression 2001
Third impression 2003
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
McGee, Caroline, 1965–
Childhood experiences of domestic violence
Caroline McGee.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 1 85302 827 4 (alk. paper)
1. Child abuse--Great Britain--Prevention. 2. Family violence-
-Great Britain--Prevention. 3. Abused children--Services for--Great Britain.
4. Victims of family violence--Services for--Great Britain. I. Title.
HV6626.54.G7M34 1999
362.76’7’0941--dc21 00-027363
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

McGee, Caroline
Childhood experiences of domestic violence
1. Child abuse 2. Wife abuse
I. Title
362.7’6
ISBN 1 85302 827 4
Printed and Bound in Great Britain by

Athenaeum Press, Gateshead, Tyne and Wear
Contents
Foreword 10
Acknowledgements 7
Part I Literature review and method

1 Introduction and overview of literature 13
Part II What does it mean to experience domestic violence?

2 Forms of domestic violence and child abuse 27
3 Forms of violence witnessed by children 61
Part III Impacts of domestic violence

4 Effect of domestic violence on children 69
5 How children understand and cope with domestic violence 95
Part IV Agency responses to domestic violence

6 Social services’ responses to domestic violence 113
7 Police responses to domestic violence 129
8 Schools’ responses to domestic violence 143
9 Health professionals’ responses to domestic violence 149
10 Refuges and counselling services 163
11 Legal remedies? 175
Part V Overcoming the obstacles
12 Barriers to seeking or utilising help 185
13 Conclusion 213
14 Recommendations 227
Appendix 233
Useful contacts 237
References 239
Subject Index 245
Author Index 253
Foreword
This book is essential reading for anyone who needs to understand the
effects of domestic violence on children – particularly those who are
responsible for providing or funding services for children who have
experienced domestic violence.
Instead of focusing on incidents of physical abuse (the standard approach
taken by many professionals), this research looks at domestic violence in the
context of everyday living. What emerges is a picture of abusive men seeking
to control every aspect of the lives of women and children by using not only
physical or sexual violence but also constant intimidation, humiliation and
other forms of emotional or psychological abuse.
It would be comforting to think that many children are not affected by
domestic violence because they are too young to notice or understand what
is happening. However, the statements by children involved in this research
show that they are very aware of the violence and not fooled by their
mothers’ attempts to conceal this. One child remembers seeing Daddy
hurting Mummy, even though her parents separated when she was aged 1.
The children also make it clear that they feel very strongly about the
violence that they have heard, witnessed or experienced personally. They
struggle to express intense feelings of fear, sadness, anger, shame, guilt,
confusion and despair – feelings which inevitably affect their self-esteem,
their behaviour, their education, their health, their ability to make friends
and their relationship with their mother.
Recognising their own powerlessness to deal with domestic violence,
children look to adults to ‘sort it out’. How we respond sends a clear message
about our society’s determination or inability to tackle this issue. If helping
agencies provide emotional support and practical help, they are ‘brilliant’.
Conversely, if the abuser manages to escape prosecution, children cannot
understand how he ‘got away with it’ and this reinforces their belief that
‘he’s invincible’ and ‘nobody can do anything about him’.
However, the major question posed by this research – and it is an
important one – is how we as a society can help children to deal with the
huge emotional burden inflicted by their experiences of domestic violence.
These children want to talk!
7
8 / CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
This is not as straightforward as it might seem. It is not easy to

communicate openly about domestic violence, when it is still regarded as
shameful and when it could erupt at any moment. This research shows that
children and their mothers frequently try to protect each other by not
discussing what they have suffered, and often it is only after leaving the
family home that they can begin to talk freely about the violence.
Unfortunately for many abused women and children the danger
continues after separation, because abusive fathers can use the family courts
to track them down and contact orders are almost always granted. In these
circumstances the children’s worries about saying anything that might ‘get
back’ to the abuser are absolutely critical, and clearly they need to know
that they will be protected if they disclose abuse. These issues need to be
addressed to enable the courts to take account of children’s wishes and
feelings and make decisions that are in their best interest.
The mothers involved in this study say that they want their children to
have counselling, while the children themselves say they want to talk to
other children who have had similar experiences. The children also stress
the need to make services accessible, child-centred and child-friendly.
This is a good time for these needs to be identified. The government is
committed to tackling domestic violence and its national strategy must
surely include measures to help children recover from the trauma of
domestic violence. Such a development would highlight the child
protection implications of domestic violence, while also reflecting the new
emphasis on intervening early to provide support services for ‘children in
need’.
Local authorities need to be involved to ensure that appropriate services
are made available in every area, but it is important that statutory agencies
are not the main providers of these services. This research confirms a
previous finding (Abrahams, 1994) that abused women are reluctant to seek
help from statutory agencies for fear that social services will remove their
children. Two mothers also reveal that their children have refused
counselling provided within the psychiatric service, as they did not want to
be ‘labelled’.
A range of essential services are already being provided within the
voluntary sector for women and children survivors of domestic violence.
These services have been developed mainly by Women’s Aid since the
mid-1970s and in recent years the children’s charities and other voluntary
groups have also set up support services. More than 85 per cent of refuges
now offer children’s services, which are much appreciated but chronically
under-resourced. This is the ideal location in which to work with children
FOREWORD / 9
and their mothers, but these services need adequate funding. They also need
to be extended in partnership with other local projects to include outreach,
aftercare, specialist counselling for children and services which meet the
particular needs of abused women and children from different cultures.
I would like to thank Caroline McGee for writing an excellent report
which provides a clear signpost for the development of services to meet the
needs of children who have lived with domestic violence. These children
deserve a better future. Let us make this possible.
Hilary Saunders
National Children’s Officer
Women’s Aid Federation of England
Acknowledgements
This book is a testament to the courage of the children and women who took
part. They unselfishly retold their painful stories in the hope that things could be
improved for others living through the horror of domestic violence. It seems trite
to acknowledge that without them this book would not exist. Heartfelt thanks go
out to these children and women, not only for describing their experiences but
also for trusting us with their stories and inviting us into their homes as guests.
A big thank you also goes to Catherine Crabtree, co-researcher, who shared
not only the workload but also the outrage and sadness. I would also like to thank
Caroline Boyle for her excellent administration and organisational skills and who
many, many times calmly converted chaos into order.
I would like to acknowledge the financial support of the BBC Children in
Need Appeal and also Dr Pat Cawson of the National Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) for her commitment to embarking on this
project.
Thanks are due to all those individuals and agencies who introduced us to the
children and women who took part. I would like to acknowledge the advice of
those who commented on an earlier draft of this book, particularly Marianne
Hester (University of Sunderland) and Audrey Mullender (University of
Warwick), also Catherine Crabtree (Westminster Women’s Aid), Pat Cawson
(NSPCC), Una Fisher (NSPCC), Gill Hague (University of Bristol) and Hilary
Saunders (Women’s Aid Federation of England).
Caroline McGee
Research for the book was carried out by Caroline McGee and Catherine
Crabtree
Disclaimer
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily represent
those of the NSPCC.
10
PART ONE
Literature Review
and Method
CHAPTER ONE
Introduction and Overview

of Literature
Introduction
This book reports on a research project that was undertaken in order to elicit
the views of children and young people about their experiences of domestic
violence and support services. Although research is frequently carried out on
children and young people, they are not so commonly directly involved and
asked for their own views of their experiences. Instead researchers approach
professionals or carers to describe their perceptions of children’s
experiences. These significant adults may be asked to rate children’s
behaviour on a number of scales so that inferences can be drawn regarding
the impact on children of adverse experiences such as domestic violence.
The discrepancies that may exist between the carer’s and child’s perspective
are highlighted by Jaffe, Wolfe and Wilson’s (1990) observation that
interviews with children demonstrated that they could reveal detailed
accounts of violent behaviour that their parents were unaware they had
witnessed. In order to support most effectively children who have
experienced domestic violence, it is crucial that we listen to what children
themselves have to say, both about their experiences and the types of
intervention they believe would be most useful. This book draws on the
interviews with children and their mothers to illustrate children’s
perceptions of their experiences. All names have been changed.
There are a number of themes underlying the rationale of the present
research:
1. A growing body of literature indicating that domestic violence was
overlooked as a risk factor in child protection work.
2. Practice experience with women and children escaping domestic
violence.
13
3. Recognition that difficulties exist in accessing support services for

women and children experiencing domestic violence.
4. A lack of attention to seeking out the views of children and
young people themselves.
Aims
The aim of this research is to explore issues around the protection of
children who experience domestic violence and to establish the best way of
meeting that need. The focus of the project is specifically on giving children
and young people a voice. As more attention is being focused on listening to
the experiences of children and young people who have been involved in
the child protection system (McGee and Westcott 1996) it is crucial to listen
to the views of children who have experienced domestic violence.
The study aimed to explore:
1. How can we best support children when there is domestic
violence?
2. What do children and mothers themselves have to say about
support services they have wanted or received?
3. Whom do children and mothers most often approach for help?
Research methodology
The research used a qualitative approach to obtain information from women
and children who had experienced domestic violence. Due to the highly
sensitive nature of the research, which would include questions on both
domestic violence and possible involvement in investigations into alleged
child abuse or neglect, it was felt that it was most appropriate to use
qualitative interviews rather than quantitative methods such as surveys.
Domestic violence is a very complex issue, as is the whole area of child
protection. Qualitative methods allow for more exploration of issues so that
a fuller picture can be obtained in a contextual way. In addition, the age
range of children involved in the study meant that methods such as
questionnaires, which require respondents to be able to read and write,
would be unsuitable.
The study used an ‘opt-in’ procedure for recruiting mothers and children
to take part in the research. This means that participants have to make an
active decision to become involved in the research and contact the
researchers themselves. This method is in contrast to the ‘opt-out’
INTRODUCTION AND OVERVIEW OF LITERATURE / 15
procedure where researchers will contact those they wish to interview

(usually first obtaining names and addresses through an agency providing a
service to the people contacted). It is then up to the person contacted to
make an active refusal to be involved in the research. Many researchers feel
that an opt-out procedure raises ethical questions and certainly in the
current study it would have been an extremely inappropriate method to use,
not least because of the risk of further violence to women and children
caused by the violent partner intercepting the contact by the researcher.
Using an opt-in procedure meant that women and children were free to
decide whether or not to take part in the research once they had seen
publicity or received information about it. In addition this approach did not
violate the confidentiality of agency records by researchers having access to
these records. As will be explored later, women and children who have
experienced domestic violence face many obstacles in seeking help. A
research project which used agency records to make contact with women
and children who have experienced domestic violence would very likely
generate mistrust of not just the research project but also the agency that
supplied the information. This could lead to women and children feeling
that they had to cut off contact with this agency in order to protect
themselves. It could also inhibit them from seeking support from other
agencies, fearing that their confidentiality and ultimately their safety would
not be respected. Details of the interview procedure can be found in the
appendix.
Description of the sample

Fifty-four children and forty-eight mothers took part in the research.
Mothers and children were contacted in a variety of ways using publicity
mail-outs to relevant organisations, direct media publicity, and approaches
from workers in statutory (social services) and voluntary (refuges, social care
and counselling agencies) groups. Interviews were carried out throughout
England and Wales. Just over half of the mothers and children were living in
towns at the time of the interview (53%) with 27 per cent living in cities and
20 per cent in rural areas; 13 per cent of the sample described themselves as
black and a further 13 per cent had a disability. It was originally planned to
incorporate interviews with Asian women in Asian languages. Unfortunately
the interviewers who were to carry out this piece of the research were unable
to do it and there was not time to recruit others to continue the work.
Similarly, an interviewer was recruited to carry out interviews with children
using assisted communication methods. Again the interviewer was not in the
end able to take part in the research. These areas remain in need of research
attention, particularly from the perspective of the children.
During the period in which they were experiencing the domestic
violence, in 60 per cent of the families the mother was married to the
violent man and in 40 per cent they lived together. In two-thirds of cases the
man was the children’s father and in the other families he was a father
figure.
The age of children interviewed ranged from 5 to 17 years with a
woman of 19 and one of 24 also taking part to discuss their experiences of
growing up with domestic violence; 55 per cent of children were born into
a family where the man was already violent and 72 per cent of children were
exposed to between one and six years of violence. The average length of
time children were exposed to domestic violence was six years.
Terminology
For the purposes of the research, domestic violence is defined as the
emotional, psychological, physical and sexual abuse of a woman and
possibly her children by a man in a present or previous close relationship
with the woman. The term ‘domestic violence’ is chosen because it has
become easily identified shorthand for a range of gendered abusive
behaviours. The term is used, however, with recognition of the many
shortfalls that have been identified. This is particularly the case in terms of
minimising and obscuring the gendered nature of the crime (Dobash and
Dobash 1980; Hague and Malos 1998; Hester and Radford 1996; McGee
1997).
The term ‘black’ is used throughout this book to denote those of African,
Caribbean and Asian origin. ‘Survivor’ is used in preference to ‘victim’, as it
is generally perceived to be a much more positive and accurate description
of women’s and children’s status. The term ‘children’ is used frequently as
shorthand to refer to both children and young people and the term ‘father’
is similarly used to refer to both birth fathers and non-related father figures.
Violence towards men

Domestic violence towards men from women can and does occur, as does
violence in gay and lesbian relationships. However, the vast majority of
studies on domestic violence have focused on heterosexual relationships
and illustrate that by far the most common form of this violence is from men
to women. While women may be violent to male partners it is often in
self-defence as a response to long-term abuse from those male partners
(Dobash and Dobash 1992; Hague and Malos 1998). Nazroo (1995)
reports on an innovative study exploring domestic violence by interviewing
both partners. He highlights the importance of utilising a methodology that
addresses the context and meaning of the violence:
Gender-neutral approaches, which claim women are as violent as men in
marriage, are misled by their use of a structured questionnaire
methodology which simply focuses on acts of physical aggression. This
obscures the meaning of such acts, which leads to an inability to
demonstrate crucial differences between male and female violence in
marriage (Nazroo 1995, p.475).
His study concluded that male violence is considerably more likely than
female violence to be dangerous and threatening and also more likely to lead
to serious injury and increased anxiety for women whereas female-
perpetrated domestic violence has none of these outcomes.
Prevalence
There are no national statistics maintained in the UK regarding either the
incidence or prevalence of domestic violence. Incidence refers to the number
of incidents of domestic violence whereas prevalence refers to the number of
people experiencing domestic violence. Thus different aspects are measured
as one person may experience a number of incidents of violence. However,
available studies highlight how common domestic violence actually is (see
also Hester, Pearson and Harwin 1999).
• Dobash and Dobash (1980) reported that domestic violence forms
the second most common type of violent crime reported to the
police in Britain. Specifically these researchers found that it
comprises more than 25 per cent of all reported violent crime.
• Mooney (1994) found a prevalence rate for women of 30 per cent
using a definition which excluded ‘mental cruelty, rape, threats of
violence, and the “less severe” forms of actual violence; grabbed,
pushed or shaken’ (p.28).
• Stanko et al. (1998) estimated that one in nine women and over
5000 children a year experience domestic violence.
• Women’s Aid Federation of England (WAFE 1997) reported that
approximately 32,017 children were accommodated in Women’s
Aid refuges during the year 1996–97.
• In an international context, studies that focused only on physical

abuse yielded a prevalence rate of between 25 per cent and 60
per cent (McGee 1997).
Thus, although it is difficult to measure the prevalence and incidence of
domestic violence, the available evidence points to a widespread
phenomenon of abuse within the home. Some of the factors that have been
reported as contributing to this underestimation include:
• the use of ‘forgetting’ as a coping strategy by women (Kelly
1988)
• fear of losing their children (Kelly 1994)
• fear of the violent man, or women learning to define their
experiences as unimportant (Kelly and Radford 1991)
• fear of not being believed, shame, pride, self-blame and lack of
self-confidence (McWilliams and McKiernan 1993).
Prevalence and incidence statistics should be interpreted with these factors
in mind.
Domestic violence is experienced by women and children of all social
classes, ethnicities and abilities. However, women’s and children’s
experiences of domestic violence, and particularly of help-seeking, may
vary across different groups (Hester and Radford 1996; Imam 1994; Mama
1996).
There are a number of ways in which children might witness the abuse of
their mother. McGee (1997) and Silvern and Kaersvang (1989) conclude
that witnessing the violence to their mother is sufficient to cause children to
be traumatised. For an overview of the current knowledge of the impact of
domestic violence on children see Hester et al. (1999, ch. 3). Witnessing the
physical or sexual abuse of their mother is undoubtedly distressing for
children but it is important that the impact of other forms of domestic
violence such as psychological or emotional abuse are not overlooked or
minimised. Experiencing domestic violence means that children are
exposed to and affected by a range of abusive behaviours and it is important
to acknowledge that it is not only the extreme forms of physical violence
which may lead to adverse outcomes for children. In addition to witnessing
the abuse of their mother, children may be directly abused themselves. Table
1.1 summarises some of the main studies demonstrating the links between
domestic violence and child abuse.
Table 1.1 Links Between Domestic Violence And Child Abuse
Study Where Sample Main findings
Bowker, US 1000 ‘battered’ 70% of male partners also physically

Arbitell and women, 775 abused the children: ‘the severity of the
McFerron with children wife beating is predictive of the severity of
(1988) the child abuse’ (p.165).
Stark and US 116 abused/ 45% of the children had mothers who were
Flitcraft neglected subject to physical violence: ‘the battering
(1988) children male is the typical child abuser’ (p.97).
Hiller and Australi Survey of 206 Domestic violence was present in 40% of
Goddard a cases of child child sexual abuse cases and in 55% of
(1990) abuse physical abuse cases.
London UK Children on the At least one-third of registered children

Borough of child protection had mothers who were subject to violence
Hackney register themselves.
(1993)
Cleaver and UK 30 families In 12 out of the 30 families (40%) there

Freeman with 61 was domestic violence.
(1995)
children
involved in an
alleged child
abuse
investigation
Farmer and UK 44 children Where there was physical abuse, neglect or
Owen (1995) whose names emotional abuse of the children, in 59% of
had been placed cases there was domestic violence, usually
on the child from the father figure to the mother:
protection ‘Domestic violence was a feature of most of
register the cases with the worst outcomes.’ (p.63)
Gibbons, UK 1888 child Domestic violence was recorded in 27%

Conroy and protection (taken from records, not in response to
Bell (1995) referrals specific questions regarding domestic
violence).
Brandon and UK 105 maltreated 46% were also witnessing domestic

Lewis (1996) or neglected violence (interviews carried out to ascertain
children the presence of domestic violence).
Ross (1996) US A representative The authors concluded that ‘there is a

sample of 3363 statistically significant relationship between
parents. marital violence and child abuse within a
community sample’ (p.596).
In a review of studies, Hughes (1992) found correlations of 40–60 per cent

between child abuse and domestic violence. In a later review, Edleson
(1995) reported that in 32 per cent to 53 per cent of all families where the
men are physically abusive to their female partners, the men were also
abusing the children. As Morley and Mullender (1994, pp.29–32) point
out, studies aiming to examine the links between domestic violence and
child abuse may be limited by such methodological shortcomings as how
domestic violence is defined or how the presence of violence is identified.
Despite these limitations there is enough evidence to be concerned about
the co-occurrence of child abuse and domestic violence.
Responses to domestic violence

There are a number of agencies who have contact with women and children
experiencing domestic violence. However, there has been a tendency for
domestic violence to be considered as a problem to be addressed only
within the remits of the police, social services, housing and refuges (McGee
2000). This section will consider the available research examining agency
responses to domestic violence.
Social services
A number of studies have highlighted that women believe that if they tell
social services about the domestic violence they are experiencing, their
children will be removed (Abrahams 1994; Clifton, Jacobs and Tulloch
1996; Dominy and Radford 1996; McWilliams and McKiernan 1993;
Mooney 1994). In the study carried out by Abrahams (1994) young people
also reported fears that social workers would remove them if they told
anybody about the domestic violence. This fear may be particularly
pronounced for those from ethnic minorities (Clark 1994). Bernard (1997)
suggested that black mothers’ fears of having their children removed may
not be groundless as black, particularly African-Caribbean, children are
over-represented in the public care system. A study carried out in Coventry
(Humphreys 2000), found that two-thirds of the women in the study were
either threatened with the removal of their children or did in fact have their
child accommodated.
Concerns have been identified with regard to training on domestic
violence in social work courses (Jones 1989; Mullender 1996) and this is
especially the case with a family therapy focus, which may overlook or
minimise domestic violence. O’Hara (1994) has identified the following
four key areas in the development of effective professional practice in child

protection work:
• supporting the mother
• consulting the child
• confronting the violent man
• developing strategies to protect workers as well as children and
women from violence.
In addition Lloyd (1995) emphasised the importance of individual workers’
attitudes and value systems and the central role of initial and ongoing
training programmes in raising awareness about domestic violence issues.
Housing
Access to good-quality, safe temporary and permanent housing is a crucial
resource for women and children attempting to escape domestic violence.
Having to flee their home, often without many of their possessions, is
undoubtedly a big upheaval and Hague and Malos (1994) have highlighted
the impact on women and children of being made homeless because of
domestic violence. Black women and children may face further
complications in their bid to be rehoused following domestic violence in
that they may have a limited choice of areas where they can be safe not only
from the violent man but also from racism (Imam 1994). In a study carried
out in Surrey, Dominy and Radford (1996) raised concerns about the poor
provision for housing applicants needing translation services, particularly
Asian women. Overall Dominy and Radford’s (1996) study uncovered high
levels of dissatisfaction (53%) with housing departments due in part to
insensitive questioning by housing officers in relation to the domestic
violence but also because the lack of housing resources meant that women
and children had to wait a long time for permanent housing. In a Sussex
study, Clifton, Jacobs and Tulloch (1996) found that women escaping
domestic violence had ‘widely varying experiences of applying for housing’
(p.200). Since these studies the Housing Act 1996 has been implemented.
This Act incorporates two major changes to the previous legislation with
regard to domestic violence. Local authorities now have a temporary but
renewable two-year duty to house certain applicants including women and
children escaping domestic violence whereas previously an application
could be made for permanent housing. The second major change of the Act
is to introduce the concept of associated persons such that whereas the
previous legislation recognised violence or the threat of violence only from
people living in the home, the new Act defines domestic violence as
violence or threats of violence from a person who is associated with the
person under threat.
Health
Health professionals are more likely to have contact with women and
children experiencing domestic violence than any other professional group
(Casey 1987; Pahl 1995). Indeed women frequently approach their general
practitioner (GP) first for help (Dominy and Radford 1996). However, the
evidence suggests that women do not get the help they need from health
service professionals (Pahl 1995). For example, McWilliams and
McKiernan (1993) reported that of the women in their study who told their
GP about the domestic violence, only one-third found the GP’s response to
be helpful. In Clifton et al.’s (1996) study, although women who had
approached their GPs for help did not feel dismissed by them, the authors
conclude, ‘[GPs] are poorly informed about the causes of domestic violence
and what can be done to help women’ (p.190). Related to this finding
Hague, Malos and Dear (1996) observed that health service providers and
practitioners tend to be under-represented on domestic violence forums
and inter-agency initiatives. Confidentiality appears to be an important
issue in relation to women talking to their GPs about domestic violence.
Both Dominy and Radford (1996) and McWilliams and McKiernan (1993)
found that women were inhibited from telling their GP about the domestic
violence because of their fears that the GP would tell their partners what
they had disclosed (particularly if their partner was also a patient of the GP).
In addition, particularly in relation to health visitors, women have been
found to fear that telling them about the domestic violence could mean that
their children are removed (Clifton et al. 1996; Dominy and Radford 1996).
Frost (1997) found that a lack of initial and subsequent training for health
visitors concerning domestic violence increased the vulnerability of health
visitors and clients. Pahl (1995) suggested that health professionals can best
help women experiencing domestic violence by
• respecting the woman’s account
• knowing the relevant information (particularly with regard to
local agency provision)
• keeping careful records
• giving women enough time to make their own decisions.
Police
A common perception of police responses to domestic violence is that they
will not take it seriously although actual police responses showed evidence
of positive change during the 1990s. This is particularly so in relation to the
establishment of domestic violence units. One of the issues identified by
research is women’s reluctance to involve the police in domestic violence.
Dominy and Radford (1996) found that only 23 per cent of women in their
study who had sought formal help had approached the police. Mama (1996)
reported that 53 per cent of the women in her study had contact with the
police; however, a ‘significant proportion’ of these women did so only
because neighbours or friends had called them. Mama (1996) stressed that
despite the extreme violence women were suffering,
many black women will be severely injured, and face the other dire
consequences of violence rather than involving the police or making use
of the law. Quite apart from the poor opinion that women, and
particularly black women, have of the police there is also some evidence to
suggest that fear of reprisals combines with a sense of loyalty to deter
black women further. (Mama 1996, p.173)
McWilliams and McKiernan (1993) reported that only 26 per cent of

women who had contact with the police found them to be helpful, usually
because they removed the abuser. Nearly half (48%) of women who
contacted the police in Dominy and Radford’s (1996) study were
dissatisfied with the response they had received leading the authors to
conclude: ‘Levels of dissatisfaction declined since the setting up of DVUs
[domestic violence units] but nonetheless remains unacceptably high’ (p.75).
Kelly (1999) found that most women in her study reported that they
perceived the police response as sympathetic and supportive. However, in
only 28 per cent of cases did the police give women information about
refuges and in 14 per cent information was given about other agencies. It is
also noteworthy that the police checked whether children were present in
only 33 per cent of cases. Kelly (1999) concluded:
Police officers currently do not agree as to what counts as domestic
violence, or what their role in response to it should be. This creates a
lottery for victims, in which one officer will define her experience as
violence, and respond to it as a crime, whilst another will not. (Kelly
1999, p.115)
PART TWO
What Does it Mean

to Experience
Domestic Violence?
CHAPTER TWO
Forms Of Domestic Violence

and Child Abuse
Domestic violence incorporates a range of controlling and abusive

behaviours. This chapter explores the context of this violent behaviour for
both mothers and children. The chapter begins by examining the man’s
violence to his partner before going on to detail the specific forms of abuse
experienced by children living with domestic violence.
Triggers
Women were asked if they could identify any particular things that would
trigger their ex-partner’s violence. The majority said that it was either
random, anything could trigger it, ‘life’s experiences, everyday things,
normal things’ (seventeen women), or connected to accusations of infidelity
(seventeen women). Women frequently said that initially they tried to make
excuses for their partners’ violence but then realised that it could not be
blamed on external factors.
If something wasn’t as clean as it should have been or the meal wasn’t
cooked quite right – he started to drink, but not until we had been married
about five years so I can’t put it down to drink. I think it was just male
dominance over women. (Camilla)
A number of young people discussed at length how they had tried in vain to
find reasons for their fathers’ violence. They described how they came to see
that there were no reasons as such, that the behaviour was concerned with
control.
27
If my mum had left the door open, [he’d say] ‘Close the door, close the
door’ and then if she closes the door, [he’d say] ‘Why are you closing the
door? What are you doing out there? Who are you going to see?’ (Mona,
aged 17)
Accusing women of infidelity

Seventeen women volunteered that a theme underlying all forms of
violence they suffered was their partner accusing them of having affairs. In
all cases there was no justification for the claim and in some cases the
accusation appears to be the man’s projection of his own behaviour, as
Denise explained:
Then he started going with other women, he used to lock me in the house,
the postman once knocked and I had to sign for this recorded delivery
thing and he actually beat me and accused me of having an affair with the
postman. (Denise)
Others could see that as the intensity of the violence increased, so did the
claims that the woman was unfaithful. Marianne described how the
accusations of infidelity were used both to control her movements rigidly
and to humiliate her, to the extent of having an impact on her health.
I wasn’t allowed to go to the doctors, I wasn’t allowed. I had a dentist and if
I was too long in the dentist, he’d knock the fillings back out and say that I
was having an affair with the dentist. [According to him] I was having an
affair with everybody, even my own father and my own son I was having
an affair with, if I was too long in a room with him. He was crude. And he
didn’t say it quietly either. (Marianne)
Another woman interviewed recounted how her ex-partner would quiz her
child about her seeing other men. When the child would reply that she was
not seeing anyone, he would be called a liar.
This belief of the woman’s infidelity on the part of the violent man and
subsequent violence appeared to represent not so much a jealous rage as
another aspect of the need to control and totally dominate the woman.
There was nothing in the woman’s behaviour to suggest that she was seeing
someone else and the accusation seemed to be used primarily to control the
woman’s movements on a day-to-day basis or as a precursor to a specific
violent attack. For example one woman woke up in the middle of the night
to find her partner’s hands round her throat. He was accusing her of just
FORMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND CHILD ABUSE / 29
having slept with someone else. (She had been sleeping beside her partner
all night.) He then raped her.
Alcohol
Eleven of the women said that their partners used alcohol in connection
with their violence:
sometimes it was drink, sometimes it wasn’t drink, the emotional abuse
was worse and then if that got really bad, there’d be a belting, a push
down the stairs. (Bea)
A small group of these violent men were alcoholics, and, as one woman
pointed out, although her ex-partner was drinking constantly, he would not
actually get drunk. He drank until he passed out at night. This woman did
not feel that his violence could be attributed solely to his drinking, as he had
been violent before he started abusing alcohol.
Most of the women in the group felt that alcohol could make their
partner’s violence worse but they were frequently violent when not drinking
also. There was nothing to indicate that these men were violent to others
when they were drunk, only to their partners. Some women felt that their
ex-partners had used alcohol as an excuse for their violence. Only two
women felt that their ex-partners’ violence was more or less completely
associated with their alcohol use and only two with their drug use.
Six women specifically referred to the fact that their ex-partners’ violence
was not connected to their use of alcohol. Women were not asked about the
connection between their ex-partner’s violence and alcohol use. However, as
one of the myths around domestic violence is that it is caused by alcohol use,
women had considered the connection in order to make sense of what was
happening for themselves. In the interview situation women referred to their
ex-partners’ alcohol abuse in order to explain the context of the violence
they had experienced.
No, I actually stupidly said that to him one night [that he was only violent
when drunk]. So he woke up the next morning and started again. (Cheryl)
I used to think, well, at least if he was drunk, you know, he’d have a reason,
but he didn’t drink, I just couldn’t understand it at all. (Denise)
Other triggers for their ex-partners’ violence identified by women included:

• money
• disagreeing with him
• if the children cried

• when the man was having affairs
• the man’s religious faith
• when the woman would try to leave the relationship
• when anything would go wrong in the man’s life.
Onset of the violence

Only three of the women said that the abuse started with overt physical
violence then was followed by emotional and psychological abuse. Ten
women reported that the violence started within the first few months of the
relationship beginning. A further ten women found that their partners
became violent to them when they made some form of commitment to the
relationship, either living together or getting married.
And the day after we got married was the first time he hit me. (Margo)
First of all it was just mentally, started actually the day after I had married
him. Up to us getting married, I lived with him and he was fine. (Denise)
Six women said that their partners became violent seemingly out of the blue
after at least one year, but more commonly, several years into the
relationship.
The onset and form of violence during pregnancy will be dealt with in a
separate section. In addition to the onset of violence during pregnancy, ten
women said that their partners first became violent or the violence
significantly worsened after the birth of their child. Women often said that
they felt that their partners were jealous of the attention the women gave to
the children. Women also felt that the men could not cope with the
responsibilities of fatherhood and so became violent.
No everything was very ideal to begin with, until the kids come along.
Until I had my eldest son, and that’s when he changed. (Dawn)
The largest single group of women were those who said that there had been
a gradual onset of their partners’ violence. Usually this gradual process
started with verbal abuse, progressed to pushing and then developed into
slapping, punching, kicking and other forms of brutality.
But I think it probably starts with the pushing, you know, pushing you
back into a chair and you don’t think anything of it, initially you know it’s
just a push, you know. And then before you know it you’re getting the
fists and kicked and spat at and sworn at. (Zoe)
Women described how this build-up to the physical violence often made it
difficult for them to name what was happening to them as domestic violence.
There would be, there would be things that I didn’t recognise as abuse like
pushes and shoves and threats, that I never really thought were but … and
the way he spoke to me. And even when he’d actually hit me a few times I
always felt that it was my fault. (Danielle)
For many women the verbal abuse they had been subjected to before the
physical violence meant that their self-esteem had already been worn down.
Consequently, some believed the messages that their partners were
consistently giving them, that they were worthless. As a result they
frequently blamed themselves for the physical violence.
It makes you feel, how can I say it, that you’re worthless, because that’s all,
because he said to me a lot of the times, ‘You provoke me’, or,‘You deserve
it’, and in the end you think maybe you have done it and in the end you
think, ‘Well what did I say to make him do that?’ (Vivien)
Control
The most central aspect to domestic violence is the violent man’s need to
control totally every aspect of the woman’s (and sometimes the children’s)
life. Other forms of violence such as physical violence may be completely
gratuitous but usually fulfil the function of enforcing the man’s power and
control over the woman and her children. A failure to recognise the extreme
nature of this controlling behaviour or not putting isolated incidents in the
context of control exerted by the man means that the perception of the
violence will be minimised. Women in the study described how every aspect
of their lives was controlled by their violent partners:
He’d do things like take the car keys away, couldn’t have any money for
shopping, had to have receipts, you couldn’t watch what you wanted on
telly, had to go to bed when you were told, you couldn’t do this, you
weren’t allowed to use the telephone. (Kim)
The effect of this controlling behaviour was to make women totally

objectified:
He wants to own you, you are a possession. You belong to him. (Kim)
The most common form of controlling behaviour that women reported

being subjected to was isolating them and their children from family and
friends. This ranged from making people feel so uncomfortable that they
stopped coming to the house, to being violent to the woman’s friends and
family also. Threats to family and friends served the dual purpose of
isolating the woman from any support networks and ensuring that she
stayed in the relationship in order to protect the threatened friends or family
members.
Another form of control that women talked about in interviews was
restricting their movements so that they were kept in the house. Some
women reported being timed when they went out, especially to pick the
children up from school. If they did not return within the allotted time they
would be physically assaulted. Other women were allowed out on their
own only once a week to do the shopping and pay the bills. If anything was
forgotten it would have to wait until the next week. Some women were
locked in and denied access to medical care, particularly for injuries
inflicted by their violent partner. In this way, not only were others unaware
of the extent of the violence but also there were no medical records of the
numerous injuries sustained by the women. These medical records could
have been used to bring a conviction against the violent man or could have
been considered in any legal decisions concerning the children. June
described how she was not only locked in but also tied up to prevent her
escaping.
Like he locked me in the house and I climbed out the window and down
the drainpipe. Don’t ask me how! I mean he’d tie me up before he would go
out or even get a friend to stand and make sure that I can’t go out the door.
(June)
Violent men frequently tried to stop their partner talking to anyone else,
especially other men. Some of the examples that women gave of the
extremes their partners went to in order to control their communication
with others were: searching her handbag for phone numbers; always
dialling 1471 after incoming calls in order to get the number of the person
she had just been talking to; and surreptitiously tape-recording the woman
and children’s phone calls.
As has been pointed out by Hester et al. (1994), Hester and Radford
(1996) and Kelly (1988), this control of the woman and children does not
automatically stop with the end of the relationship. It is certainly not
unusual for violent men to stalk their ex-partners. Interestingly, in this study
one man, who had been stalking his ex-partner and children for some time,
actually stopped when the new stalking legislation (Protection from

Harassment Act 1997) was implemented. A very important aspect of
stalking described by women interviewed was how friends and family of the
violent man assisted him in tracking down and following the woman and
children once they had left him. In this way, as was the situation with one
woman and her daughter in this study, the violent man has been able to
continue controlling and harassing the woman from prison by having her
stalked by his friends. Deirdre explained how she had escaped and gone to a
refuge with her children but was tracked down by her ex-partner when one
of his family found her file in the housing office and gave him the address of
the refuge:
and he said, ‘Don’t think you can ever run away from me, because I know
your every move, if you sign on at a different social office, I’ve got people
who work for the social, I can find out where you are’. He said, ‘ … I can
find you wherever you are’. (Deirdre)
Seven women said that when they separated from their ex-partners they had
been subjected to stalking and further harassment. Margo recounted how
her ex-partner used to leave dozens of messages on her answerphone every
day, starting with saying he loved her and wanted her back and finishing
with threats against her and her family. Another woman was threatened with
having her home set on fire while her children were inside.
Other forms of controlling behaviour women experienced were:
• threatening to injure or kill
• controlling the finances and not giving her any money
• controlling what she could wear, perhaps even buying her clothes
• attempting suicide (sometimes in front of the woman and the
children) so that she would not leave
• threatening to take the children if she left
• making sure she could not tell professionals about the violence by
staying with her or within earshot when she was talking to them
• claiming she has mental health problems
• stopping her contact with the children when they lived with him
• not allowing her to go to bed until he said she could
• making all the decisions in the house
• not letting the woman get employment outside the home

• not allowing her to attend to the needs of the children.
Another form of control and intimidation used by the violent partner was to
smash the woman’s possessions or damage the house, for example, ripping
up her clothes so that she could not go out. Others felt that it was used more
as revenge after they had left. The man would find out where she lived,
break in and wreck her new home.
Women were affected by this damage to their property in several ways.
First, to watch the level of violence used was very intimidating for both the
women and the children; there was always the threat that the violence could
be turned on them. Second, women found it very hard financially to try to
create a nice home when things were being constantly destroyed. Third,
women were very hurt by what they felt these acts of destruction meant,
particularly when items of particular sentimental value were destroyed.
Some women were saddened that they had no photographs of their
children when they were small because their ex-partner had destroyed
them.
It’s a regular thing you know to tear up my photos so that I’ve got no
photos, things like that that really hurt. I mean it doesn’t sound like it’s a lot
but you know it’s really hurtful to think you had something and it’s just
been destroyed, just gone just like that. (June)
Children too can be directly affected by having their toys broken or, in
some instances, sold. A young person explained:
He’d tip up everything in my room like, knock everything down and
perfume would get smashed and all the curtains would be ripped, throw
things on my wall. My mum used to paint my bedroom. I always wanted
my bedroom peach, and Mum just painted it peach and I don’t know what
he threw on it, but he threw something on it and all down the walls. (Mona,
aged 17)
In addition to the control that violent men exerted over their partners,
women were subjected to specific emotional and psychological abuse,
physical and sexual violence, as will be described in the next sections.
Emotional and psychological abuse
He seemed to shift after Ralph was born, the physical abuse wasn’t there
but the threat of it, the emotional abuse and the threat of it was always
there. So to me it didn’t feel any better. (Cheryl)
The majority of women reported that they suffered different forms of abuse
concurrently, while others found that their ex-partner used different forms
of abuse at different times. Some men stopped using physical violence but
continued to use psychological or emotional abuse, and women made the
point that this was equally, if not more, intimidating than physical violence
was:
the physical stuff really deteriorated because I think he discovered that it
was much more effective to manipulate me and manage and control me if I
felt really bad about myself. So it was mostly insults and abuse. (Sheila)
Women described their experiences using words like cruelty and torture and
emphasised how the emotional and psychological abuse was a systematic
way of wearing down their self-confidence and self-esteem.
I think in my experience that’s how they work, they grind you down
mentally, they make you feel totally useless and inept and unable and
incapable, and then it’s easy for them to just intimidate you without …
just the threat of physical violence is enough, you know, without the
actual going through with it. (Lucy)
The most frequently reported form of emotional abuse was constantly

belittling the woman, usually by name-calling and criticising everything
that she did. Women spoke of not being able to do anything right in their
partners’ eyes, and they would then be beaten or humiliated.
Using the children against their mother was the next most frequent
method of emotional abuse used. This usually involved constantly telling
the woman (and sometimes others) that she was not fit to look after the
children, that she was a dreadful mother. Other methods used were stopping
the woman’s contact with her children, sending abusive messages back to
the woman through her children, trying to turn the children against their
mother and threatened or actual abduction of the children.
Another tactic used against women was sleep deprivation. One woman
described the impact on her son:
You know, at one stage I had to go to school and explain to them why he
was so tired, because his father woke us up every single, solitary night in
the middle of the night, shouting, screaming and swearing. (Kim)
Accusing the women of mental health problems or alcohol abuse was also
used, and Danielle described how her partner used this to stop her seeking
help:
When I’d had the police here, he said after the policeman had gone, the
police actually went out to talk to him and he’d said that the police had said
to him, ‘God mate what’s she on, there’s something wrong with her.’ You
know, and he’d always prey on my mind thinking that there’s something
wrong with me mentally, that I was unstable. (Danielle)
Other women were subjected to death threats:

And the times he’d told them [the children] things like ‘I’m going to
strangle your mum, I’ll go to Broadmoor and I’ll still see my children’. I
think he knew what the fashion was in the family court, it doesn’t matter
what a father does, the attitude is that the mother is causing this. (Marcia)
On the other hand three men injured themselves or threatened to commit

suicide in front of the women and their children:
one of the threats he’d made was to kill the two children, him and the
children in the car. (Danielle)
Other forms of emotional and psychological abuse women reported were:

• not allowing the woman to have a light on while bathing and
telling the woman that men had been spying on her getting
dressed in her home
• when angry, sitting in the car blowing the horn continuously
• leaving lists of things for the woman to do while he was at work;
if she did not or could not do them (for example, fix the car) she
was beaten up
• making women do their hair and make-up a certain way
• mocking the woman’s grief at her father’s death
• forcing the woman to have an abortion, then shouting round the
neighbourhood that she was a ‘baby killer’
• blaming the woman because her uncle sexually abused her

daughter
• having affairs and taking girlfriends on holiday while the woman
and children never had a holiday
• trying to match the woman up with his friend so he could see
someone else
• blaming the woman for everything that went wrong in his life
• making the woman sleep on the floor.
The following quotes illustrate the irrationality of the man’s behaviour and
how difficult it is for the woman to find ways of coping. It is worth noting
that none of the men in the following examples had any mental health
problems.
Margo had a benign breast lump; her ex-partner told everyone she was
dying of cancer and had only six months to live.
I had developed a lump, but I’d had the biopsy done and had the all clear
but he was telling everyone I had six months. He still is, he tells people
that I’m in a hospice now with a few weeks to go. And he’s actually got a
few people take him around money to buy flowers for me. He’s actually
got people who still think that I’m there. (Margo)
Judith described her experiences:

He would lash out, he’d throw things, not always at me, the big thing was
throwing himself on the floor and pretending to like knock himself out
and he would just lay down on the floor for about ten minutes. And then
he would get up, pretend he didn’t know where he was. But if anybody
came knocking on the door he would get up and sort of disappear for a
bit, so I knew he was just pretending. I soon learned very, very quickly that
that was just pretending. I just left him to it and would walk away from
him. (Judith)
Camilla’s ex-partner broke into her new home, stole her underwear and set
her bed on fire.
He even broke in and set light to my bed which was quite frightening the
way he did it, he done it all with the bible and just laid it under the bed and
set light to it. We had the police involved and everything again and to me
that was really freaky, that was more psychological abuse than physical …
And the bible was laid under the bed, there was this little pot of water
which was I presume must have been blessed water or whatever he

thought it was, and there was a big ritual in my bedroom, and it really did
freak me out. (Camilla)
The effect of such behaviour was that the women and children lived in
constant anticipation of an abusive incident, trying to second-guess what
mood the man would be in.
But it’s more like the mental cruelty, the mental things that drive you mad,
it’s like not knowing when he comes in, is he gonna start? Loads of things,
it’s the thought of him starting that is more frightening than the hitting.
(Vivien)
A number of women made the point that it was much harder to ‘get over’ the
emotional and psychological abuse than the physical violence. As Bernice
explains, perhaps the reason or one of the reasons for this is that things
constantly trigger the feelings associated with the emotional and
psychological abuse.
I could handle the mind games but that leaves you … actually damaged for
a lot longer, because I still hear something or see something that sets this
fear off. I don’t like people knowing me thoughts too much or trying to get
into me head so that leaves you a lot more emotionally scarred than
anything that they can do. I mean he could have broke me leg in fifty places
and I could walk with a limp for the rest of me life but it would heal but it’s
taken a long time to get me head together, and for Kara [my daughter] to
get it together as well really. (Bernice)
Physical violence
Forty women (83%) said that they had experienced physical violence.
Thirty-one of these described being hit or punched, and seven reported that
the violence was specifically aimed at their heads. June suffered a brain
haemorrhage and thereafter her partner always targeted her head. Six
women had been knocked unconscious. Cheryl had been nearly killed
when she had been punched, knocked down the stairs and hit her head on a
concrete post. Marina talked about how her partner had walked out after
hitting her, leaving her two small babies alone with their unconscious
mother.
A small number of women were hit where the bruising would not show;
one abusive man told the woman that he would never hit her on her face
because then people would know what was happening. Women who do not
have obvious physical marks of the violence can find it difficult to make
others believe them when they need help.
Five women talked about their partner being violent when they had been
holding a child, and how frightening that had been for the woman and
child:
he came at me with a broken bottle and I was holding one of the twins
then and he came at me. I mean the children weren’t actually harmed but it
is a possibility. (Marina)
Contrary to the popular notion that mothers fail to protect their children
from the violence, as the following quote illustrates, protecting the children
was uppermost in the women’s minds, even when they were being brutally
attacked themselves.
And he picked up a wooden coat hanger and started hitting me with it and
I had Francis in my arms so I’m using my body to shield Francis to make
sure that he couldn’t hit Francis. (Judith)
These were not situations of children being caught in the crossfire. There
was no crossfire: it was unidirectional. Women were attending to the
children’s needs and were attacked. These men chose to be violent to the
women irrespective of the children’s safety. The mothers’ fears for their
children’s safety may give an added dimension to the abusive men’s feelings
of power. Jasmine was very clear that her partner was totally in control and
‘knew exactly what he was doing’. She was holding her newborn baby at the
time of the attack.
I mean after Fred was born, and then he was only 3 days old, and he got
this knife and he run it down my neck, he only caught my neck, I mean he
was going to kill me, I know he was, oh it was terrible. (Jasmine)
Women most commonly were attacked by men using their fists and/or feet.
Occasionally men would use objects or weapons, including threats to shoot.
Other everyday objects which were used by the violent men as weapons
were a broken bottle, a spirit level, a baseball bat and a wooden coat hanger.
In addition one woman was strangled with a cord and women reported that
men threw glasses or knives.
Women were subjected to severe violence leaving them with both short-
and long-term injuries. In this study abusive men were responsible for
women having bruised eyes, broken bones (jaw, noses and fingers), burst lip,
a burst ear-drum, hair ripped out and miscarriages; one woman had a
cigarette extinguished on her foot, and another suffered a brain

haemorrhage. Margo was diagnosed as having multiple sclerosis shortly
after being interviewed for the study. She felt that it might be attributable
(at least in part) to all the head injuries she received at the hands of her
husband.
A number of women reported that their partners threw things at them,
including glasses, keys, knives, ashtrays or bowls. Kim explained how the
physical violence started with her partner throwing things:
he threw that brass ashtray at me. I had seven stitches in my head – that was
the start of it, and once they’ve done it once it just goes on and on and on,
you know. (Kim)
Sexual violence
Fifteen women (31%) reported that they had experienced sexual violence
from their ex-partners. Women were not asked specifically about sexual
violence, so the responses were dependent on how women defined forced
sex, how comfortable they were in talking to the interviewer about it and
how relevant they saw it to the study. The latter point is particularly
important as the question on violence or abuse experienced was couched in
terms of how much the children were aware of the violence or how it
impacted on the children. In fact a number of the women referred to their
difficulty in naming their experiences as rape because they were married to
or living with the offender. Rape is generally viewed as something
committed by strangers. Some women said that the sexual violence was
temporally linked to other forms of abuse they experienced; usually after an
incident of physical or psychological abuse they would then be raped.
Three of the women interviewed specifically referred to the children
witnessing the rapes. Margo said:
He just didn’t care, he knew that they were there, I mean Sabrina would be
trying to pull him off of me. And he didn’t give a damn, he just didn’t care.
(Margo)
Camilla spoke of her fears that he would rape her daughter.

He raped me once, and it frightened me that he would actually do it to
Marilyn. And I think he must have known what was frightening me
because he said, ‘When you’ve outgrown your usefulness there’s another
female in the house’, and that is what frightened me. (Camilla)
Marianne was raped by her ex-partner and when she managed to leave was
forced to return to the relationship when he threatened to have her eldest
daughter raped. Two women were raped by their partners during pregnancy
and a further two women became pregnant as a result of their partners
raping them.
Economic abuse
As long as he’s got the money you know, he’s got the power, he’s got a
hold over you. (Kim)
Seven women (15%) mentioned specifically that they had been controlled
by being deprived of money. Five of these women reported that their
ex-partner would not give them money towards food or clothes for the
children or that he would take money off them that they needed for the
children. As Margo pointed out, not having any money hinders women
getting help.
Because my problem was I had to go to a solicitor’s in one place, the
housing office somewhere else, the benefits office somewhere else. You’ve
got no money so you’re walking everywhere. (Margo)
Another woman had her clothes ripped up and as her money was taken from
her every week by her ex-partner, she had to stay in the house as she had no
clothes in which to go out. Finally, Lana was left with a lot of debt as her
ex-partner would order from catalogues in her name and then not pay the
bills.
Violence to others
Nine women and their children talked about the man being abusive or
violent to others outside the immediate family. In these situations, the
violent man would harass the woman’s family or friends in an attempt to find
her and the children.
And now even when we’re not there, he keeps on phoning up my
grandma and my auntie because he can’t get through to us. (Regina,
aged 9)
The result of the threat of or actual violence to those close to the women
meant that they felt responsible for the safety of family and friends.
Therefore women tried to protect others by not telling them about the
violence. As well as increasing the isolation of women while in the
relationships, it meant that they felt trapped, unable to find a way out of the
relationship without putting others at risk:
because I knew the hassle he was gonna give to other people as well, and
that’s another thing, that’s why a lot of women even in here [the refuge] say
why they have never done it earlier is because of the hassle the partners are
going to give everybody else. (Dawn)
Violence during pregnancy

Previous studies have drawn attention to the particular issue of domestic
violence during pregnancy. Andrews and Brown (1988) reported that
women who were experiencing violence reported more severe violence
when pregnant than at other times and because of the violence women were
twice as likely to suffer miscarriages. Mezey and Bewley (1997) further
found that the risk of moderate to severe violence to the woman appears to
be greatest in the period after the baby is born.
The present study found that violence during pregnancy was a theme
that arose again and again in the interviews with mothers. Some women
found that the violence first started when they were pregnant, others said
that the violence continued despite the pregnancy. Generally being
pregnant may serve to increase women’s vulnerability rather than affording
any protection from the violence.
Eight women said that their partners’ violence first started when the
woman was pregnant. Women themselves suggested that the reason for the
violence was that their partners were jealous: they felt excluded by the fact
of the woman’s pregnancy. Kim found that the violence started when her
pregnancy began to show.
It was great before Seamus was born, we did everything together. We
partied together, we did everything, we shared our own friends, we went
out to parties, we had great times, we shared everything. From problems to
good times, we shared everything, it was a really solid, well, what I
considered a solid relationship. As Seamus arrived, when I fell pregnant
with Seamus it almost immediately, it changed as when I started showing.
That’s when his attitude towards me changed, he seen my role to have
changed. (Kim)
A number of women said that once they told their partners that they were
pregnant, the men accused them of being unfaithful and insisted that the
baby was someone else’s. Pregnancy became woven into the net of the
man’s abusive behaviour and was used as another means of controlling the
woman. Alma’s husband made her have an abortion, saying that the baby
was not his. Then he said that it was obviously true that it was not his baby
because she had got rid of the evidence of her infidelity.
Some women find that violence during pregnancy is totally focused on
the pregnancy itself. Threatening to induce or actually inducing miscarriage
was part of the pattern of abuse used by the partners of ten of the women.
He said, ‘I could make you miscarry it’. And he was like sort of punching
me in the stomach, dragging me over the bed and you know I was
panicking then because I really didn’t want to lose it. (Amanda)
One woman described how her partner tried to force her to have an abortion
right up until she was five months pregnant. Another man, when told his
partner was pregnant, immediately called his friend to drive her to hospital
to have an abortion. Later, she says,
he just wanted to boot the baby out of me. (Marianne)
In another family, the man was unhappy with the woman’s second
pregnancy. The woman had a threatened miscarriage and was hospitalised
for a week due to the man’s beatings. Women were sometimes placed in a
completely no-win situation where they were beaten for being pregnant,
then threatened or beaten if they then had a threatened or actual miscarriage.
Even when I was pregnant with Rod he threw me against the door so hard
and I sat there all night until he went to bed because I was just too scared
to move in case he hit me again or in case I lost him [the baby]. I was
frightened of moving because I was six or seven months pregnant at the
time, and he had threatened me with that as well, he said if I had a
miscarriage and blamed him for it he would actually kill me. (Alma)
Some women had very premature babies and they felt it was due to the
violence they had experienced during pregnancy. In other instances,
although the violence first started when the woman was pregnant, blows to
the abdomen were avoided.
He would never go near me stomach when I was pregnant, he never
touched me in me stomach when I was pregnant, he would avoid that, it
would be like me legs or me arms more than anything. The back of me
head. But he never ever tried to touch me stomach. (Jacinta)
Twelve women had already been experiencing violence before becoming

pregnant and found that the violence continued despite the pregnancy.
Being pregnant did not protect women from sexual violence either. Two
women were raped by their partners while they were pregnant. Deirdre was
eight and half months pregnant when her partner raped her:
He pushed me on the floor in the bedroom, shut the children out, forced
himself on me in the bedroom, and I was eight and a half months pregnant.
And I remember just laying there, just thinking nothing, you just go
completely numb, and then I remember he got off, and I went into the
shower and I must have sat in that shower for two hours. I just felt so dirty,
especially because I [was pregnant] as well and I remember just sitting there
rocking and then he came up as if nothing had happened. (Deirdre)
Camilla went into labour because her partner raped her. Her partner raped
her again as soon as she returned from the hospital after giving birth.
Only three women said that the physical violence stopped while they
were pregnant. However, these women pointed out that although the
physical violence stopped, the emotional abuse continued or even
worsened.
Some men seemed to resent the pregnancy and the woman’s consequent
contact with health professionals as an area that was harder for them to
control. Thus, men prevented their partners accessing health care while
pregnant. In one case the man refused to get medical help for the woman
and she subsequently miscarried.
Marianne’s partner caused a scene in the hospital after the baby was born
because she could not leave when he wanted.
Then when I did give birth to her, he came to pick me up because I was only
staying in for six hours and they wouldn’t let her home because they
wanted to keep a check on her. And when he called for me to go home, I
said, ‘I can’t go’. I pretended that I had to stay in as well. He went berserk,
he hated the baby. Wish it had died, it was keeping me away from going
home. (Marianne)
This example is chillingly reminiscent of violent men’s behaviour noted by

Reder, Duncan and Gray (1993) in a review of reports of thirty-five
inquiries into child deaths. They reported that the fathers of Heidi Koseda
(in this case a stepfather), Shirley Woodcock, Simon Peacock and Charlene
Salt all created disturbances in the maternity unit. They interpret this
behaviour as evidence that the violent man ‘was desperate for them to return
home to within his ambit of control’ (Reder et al. 1993, p.45). Clearly,
pregnancy is a time when women may have greater contact with
professionals and, as the examples illustrate, there may be indications of
domestic violence. However, as O’Hara (1994) points out, the implications

of the man’s behaviour for the woman and child are too frequently
overlooked, in some instances with tragic results.
Mother trying to reassure the children

The attempts of mothers to reassure and protect the children even while they
themselves were being assaulted is an important issue emerging from the
interviews. When Leila was brutally assaulted by her partner on the street,
throughout the attack her main concern was keeping her daughter safe.
This particular occasion he broke my nose, in the street, of kicking me
until my nose broke. And she [my daughter] seen that and all I could do
was hold her into the railings to stop her going into the road. The more I
was holding her, not holding her, but keeping her back from the road, the
more he was kicking me. So I know she was aware, she seen that. (Leila)
Another mother endured a rape by her ex-partner in near silence so as not to

waken and terrify her children. Other mothers referred to talking to the
children during the assault, trying to reassure them:
he came up the stairs, had me pinned up against the bed, of course the
children were crying their eyes out. I’m just saying to them, ‘Don’t worry,
don’t worry, like, you know. (Amanda)
Involving the child in the abuse of the mother

In many situations the violence to the mother was clearly unconnected to the
child in any way. However, in other examples that women gave, their
children were involved in some way:
because they [the children] were my weak spot – they were my number
one – but it’s only now that I look back and I know, that’s, that was what
he used. Even when I left him and I had a secret hiding place and he hired
a private detective, he found me. He even said then, because if I saw him so
many nights a week he would leave the kids alone, he wouldn’t let the kids
know that he was about. Otherwise if I didn’t he would follow [my
daughter] to work, [he said] ‘I could have quite easily got her raped…’.
The thing was there, the threat was there, so [I said] ‘Yeah all right I will
meet you,’ anything to keep him away from them. (Marianne)
Kelly (1994) refers to this as a ‘double level of intentionality’ which she

defines thus: ‘That an act directed against one individual is at the same time
intended to affect another or others’ (p.47). Hester and Pearson (1998) also
provide examples where the abuse of the woman and the children by the
same man was so closely interconnected that they describe them as
simultaneous expressions of both domestic violence and child abuse. In the
present study, mothers most frequently talked about intervening to protect
the child and then being beaten themselves.
Yeah, because he took everything out on her, everything was always her
fault, I always sided with her, [I got] constant beatings, most of it was all
about Mona [my daughter]. Because he would treat her in a way, and I
would intervene and say no, and then he would start on me, but at least it
took the heat off her. (June)
In one case the man was violent to the mother when she intervened to
protect the child and then he told the child that it was all his fault that his
mother was hurt.
Hester and Radford (1996) found that some violent men forced the
children to be physically abusive to their mothers. In the present study,
some mothers discussed how the children began to emulate the abuser’s
behaviour and how hurtful they felt it was to suffer abuse from their
children. In addition, although children may not be directly involved in the
physical violence to the mother, a number of women interviewed reported
that their partner had involved the child in degrading or humiliating their
mother. For example, the abusive men had involved the children in making
up derogatory songs or drawing caricatures of their mothers. These
behaviours led to intense guilt among the children, who very often believed
that they were to blame for the man’s violence. It also forced the children to
become involved in the violence by making them take sides (not necessarily
of their choosing). In other cases, the abuser deliberately tried to turn the
children against their mother. One woman, whose first husband and father
of the children had died, described how her abusive second husband told
the children that she had killed their father.
Women frequently discussed how their partners would threaten to harm
or take the children in order to control the woman. Threats of taking the
children away from their mothers worked very effectively to keep women in
violent relationships. One man always took one of the children with him
whenever he left the house because he knew that the woman would be
unable to leave without all the children. A similar tactic was reported in
studies by Hester and Radford (1996) and Malos and Hague (1993).
Threats to kidnap the children were not unusual and in some cases these
threats were carried out. Women described their feelings of absolute
helplessness as they waited for the safe return of their children (in some
cases, not for several months). Often they felt let down by the police, who
were hampered by the fact that the children were with their father and no
court orders (e.g. residence order) were in place. One woman who had left
several times and always been found, felt that she had no choice but to have
her baby adopted, in order to protect her from the violent man.
One woman was told that if she wanted to leave she must leave one of the
children with him, as she did not deserve to have both children. She had to
choose which child to leave behind. He threatened to kill her if she did not
write a note giving him custody. The woman did leave and the second child
was returned to her care a week later.
In other situations when women had left, their ex-partners threatened to
harm the children. In all of these scenarios, threats to remove or harm the
children worked to force the women to return to the violent relationship.
The mother’s desperate attempts to flee the violence could not withstand the
stronger need to protect her children. As Morley and Mullender (1994)
point out, for some time now the evidence has highlighted that women are
most at risk from their violent partners around the time of leaving. What has
not really been acknowledged but was suggested by some of the experiences
described in this study is that the risk to children may also be increased at
this point as their father threatens their safety as a way of forcing their
mother to stay in or return to the relationship. Mothers may find themselves
in a no-win situation as it is often concern about the safety of their children
which spurs them to leave in the first place. However, the increased risk to
their children may force them back into the situation from which they had
been trying to protect them. It is very important that service providers
recognise this increased risk to both women and children who are trying to
escape domestic violence so that an appropriate response can be planned and
delivered in a manner which ensures women’s and children’s safety.
Impact of violence on women

Women tried to cope with the violence on a daily basis in a variety of ways.
The most frequently used strategies were those which aimed to protect the
children, usually by trying to minimise the children’s awareness of the
violence. One of the most common impacts of domestic violence was on the
women’s health, both in the short term and the long term. The stress of
living, and trying to cope, with the man’s violence was the most commonly
cited cause for these health problems.
Not surprisingly, women reported a number of psychological impacts of
the violence, including depression, fear, loss of self-esteem and
self-confidence as well as loss of trust in others. These psychological impacts,
particularly the loss of self-esteem, in turn made it more difficult for many
women to find sources of help, particularly when initial efforts to seek
support had been rebuffed.
While in the violent relationship, mothers felt that it affected their
relationship with the children, particularly in terms of making them more
irritable. After leaving the violent man, however, most mothers felt that they
had in fact become closer to their children because of everything they had
been through together. At the time women felt somewhat emotionally
distanced from their children and consequently felt guilty that they had
been so focused on day-to-day survival that they had not been as able to
attend to the children’s emotional needs as much as they would have liked.
Abrahams (1994) found that mothers in her study also reported this
emotional distance from their children when they were trying to cope with
the domestic violence. The relationship between mothers and children at
times also became strained as the children became violent to their mother or
women found the children’s behavioural problems very difficult to deal
with. On the other hand, some women also said that their children became
very protective of and loving towards them.
It is not just women’s relationship with their children which is affected
by the domestic violence but also their relationships with family and
friends. Isolating the woman from her family and friends was a deliberate
tactic used by the violent man as part of the abusive control. Re-establishing
the links with family and friends can be difficult for the woman, particularly
if she has to move away to escape the violence. In addition the erosion of the
woman’s self-esteem and self-confidence meant that it was not very easy for
her to make new friendships.
Types of violence experienced by children

As Chapter 1 illustrated, a number of studies have concluded that when
domestic violence is present the children in the family may also be at risk of
harm. In the present study, children were not directly asked about abuse
they had experienced. Therefore, the information in this section comes
from details volunteered by children, young people or their mothers. Thus,
the rates of abuse reported are dependent on children and young people
choosing to disclose the information in interviews and mothers being aware
of any abuse suffered by their children and discussing it with the
interviewer. The types of abuse are summarised in Figure 2.1
Figure 2.1 Types of abuse experienced by children
Emotional abuse
Emotional abuse of the children was present in twenty-nine families (60%).
This describes a range of behaviours directed at the children themselves and
separate from any emotional abuse they may have suffered by witnessing the
abuse of their mothers. Repeatedly, mothers referred to the emotional abuse
experienced by the children as having a more profound and long-term effect
than any physical abuse.
The most frequently mentioned emotionally abusive behaviour was
calling the child names:
he used to call me ‘a little slut’, and that because I would have my friends
round and when I was about 13 I had couple of boys round, and he was
saying, ‘Oh I bet she’s doing this that and the other with them’, and all
that. And then when I came down he was saying, ‘Oh you little slag
Hannah, you are a little slut’. And I was thinking, hold on, I shouldn’t
have to stand here and take this from him. (Hannah, aged 15)
Humiliating the child and constantly putting the child down was also a
feature of the emotional abuse:
And he made me go to school in what I had on the night before to clean up
in. But Mrs Smith [my teacher] ’cause she knew about it by this stage, I was
all right. I went straight into the office and she phoned him up…and I said,
‘Don’t do anything, don’t do anything ‘cause you’ll get me in trouble’ and
she just phoned up and said, ‘I’m sorry but Mona can’t come in these
clothes.’ And when I got in he was laughing at the fact that he thought he’d
humiliated me because I’d had to go to school in my own clothes. (Mona,
aged 17)
Mona’s mother provided another example of the emotional abuse her

daughter was subjected to:
when she first started her periods he did things like, chase her round the
house, and he said, ‘Dirty little girl’. (Larissa)
In some cases, mothers referred to their ex-partners making fun of the

child’s learning difficulty or disability.
In addition, trying to involve the children in the emotional abuse of the
mother was experienced as abusive by the children themselves. For
example, one mother (Kim) talked about how her 5-year-old son would say
that he just couldn’t stand any more of listening to his father constantly
berating his mother.
A clearer picture of how the children were emotionally abused emerges
when looking at the specific examples that mothers and children gave. The
following examples illustrate how the abuser’s behaviour in each case is
designed to have the most hurtful impact.
Specific forms of emotional abuse

• Told child she ‘should have been an abortion’, that her mother
had not wanted her and the only reason her mum and dad had
married was because her mum was pregnant with her.
• Was cruel to the child’s pet.
• Deliberately broke the children’s toys.
• Locked mother out of the house then told the children that she
had left because she did not care for them or want them to live
with her.
• If child wanted to do something he did not agree with he would

say that she did not love him and would say that he was ill and
dying. In this case he would also stare at her, nag her and pick on
her.
• Gave blatant preferential treatment to his own child.
• Told child her grandmother did not really like her when her
grandmother was her main source of support.
• Told the children that their mother’s disability would get better if
they came to live with him.
• Ripped up a report detailing children’s achievement at school and
posted the pieces to them.
• Threatened to send child away so he can no longer live with his
mother and father because he was having problems at school.
• Told child that mother is an unfit mother and he is going to get
custody and that child has to stand up in court and say ‘terrible
things’ about mother.
• Threatened to child to burn the house down.
• Threatened to burn children’s bikes if mother left, and told child
‘you haven’t got a daddy any more’.
• Deprived children of sleep and would not allow them to play so
that they had to spend all their time praying.
• Told child that mother was having an affair, that she was taking
drugs and that she had AIDS and was going to die – all untrue.
Physical abuse
Previous research identified that children living with domestic violence may
be physically abused by the violent man. Abrahams (1994) reported a figure
of 27 per cent while Epstein and Keep (1995) cited a higher figure of 38 per
cent based on calls to ChildLine from children experiencing domestic
violence. The present research found that a variety of physically abusive
behaviours against children were reported by both the mothers and the
children. In all cases the perpetrator was the mother’s violent partner. These
physically abusive behaviours directed at the children ranged from severe
physical assaults to cases where the mother was concerned that the physical
‘discipline’ used on the child was too harsh or she feared that the man would
lose control. In one case the man hit the child with an iron bar. Some form of
physical abuse was reported in twenty-five families (52%). This figure may
actually reflect a higher rate than the previous studies or be attributable to
the fact that a broader definition was used to include behaviours that caused
concern rather than those actions that could narrowly be defined as
violence. In all cases, the impact was similar, that is, producing feelings of
intimidation.
In nineteen families the concerns centred on the children being hit. A
number of mothers appeared to struggle with the notion of physical
punishment of children as normative parental behaviour and their own
experiences of physical violence from the perpetrator. One mother said:
but it was still only smacking, you know; it wasn’t, there weren’t any… no
belts or anything. But I know how hard he hits ’cause I’ve felt it. (Sheila)
And the point was also made by her child:

He’d get really cross with me and he was really rough really. He didn’t
know his own strength and sometimes like he’d smack us and he’d only
think it was a little tap but we’d end up with … really red wherever he’d hit
us. (Regina, aged 9)
This fear of the perpetrator’s possible loss of control, or the feeling that he
was not acting within acceptable codes of behaviour, meant that children
always had to be alert. Children recognised the power of the abuser
particularly in relation to themselves and their mother. He appeared
omnipotent and they could see how little power their mother had in
relation to him.
Most people if they get drunk they like laugh and be funny and joke but he
didn’t. He would like beat Mummy up. And he keeps on smacking me and
[my brother] round the head. Mummy tells him not to because she says,
you’ll give them brain damage, that can happen, and he kept on doing it.
He didn’t listen to Mummy. (Sabrina, aged 10)
In some cases where a child was not the man’s own child, the young person
could be subjected to harsher physical abuse than other children in the
family. In other cases where the man was not the father, the child in a sense
received better treatment as the disciplining of the child was seen to be
totally the mother’s responsibility. In the majority of cases no pattern was
identifiable. Further research examining the differential treatment of
siblings by the violent man would be useful in identifying factors that may
increase or decrease risk for children living with domestic violence; in
addition it would be useful to explore what the long-term impacts of this

differential treatment are for sibling relationships.
The next most common concern regarding physical abuse of the children
by the violent man was throwing the child. This was reported by nine
families. In one case a 1-year-old was thrown, narrowly missing an area of
concrete. In another family a small boy was thrown down the stairs. In these
situations the child was usually trying to protect the mother during an
assault and was thrown out of the way or the child was thrown because of
some perceived misdemeanour.
In addition, the violent men threw things such as darts or plates at the
children. One young boy raised his hand to defend himself as his father
threw a plate at him. The plate broke and the boy was injured. A mother
described an incident where her partner threw a large cabinet on top of the
baby, who was in a bouncy chair on the floor. Luckily, the fabric of the chair
split and the baby fell on to the floor while the frame of the chair supported
the weight of the cabinet.
In four families the children were pushed by the man, again very often
pushing them out of the way. A further three mothers talked specifically
about the children being hurt during an assault on the mother. For example,
one man threw a boiling kettle at the mother and the boiling water caught
the child also. In these situations, while the primary intention may not have
been to hurt the child, the man was certainly reckless as to the child’s safety.
Other physically abusive behaviours reported were:
• making a child eat raw onions and raw liver
• slamming a door hard on a child, just missing her fingers
• shoving a child’s head in a dirty dishwasher
• strapping a child to the bed with a belt
• shaking a 4-week-old baby
• dragging a child down the stairs and ‘accidentally’ squashing his
head in a sliding door
• running a young person over with the car
• dangling a child over the stairs or out of a window
• twisting children’s ears
• spitting at a young person.
Controlling children’s behaviour

Fifteen families interviewed (31%) referred to how the violent man totally
controlled the children’s behaviour, often using techniques we know, from
practice and research, are used to control their partners. The techniques
used to control children’s behaviour were generally arbitrary, based on what
would have most meaning for that child. However, some common patterns
could be seen and are described below.
Not allowing children to play

This was an aspect of the man’s behaviour that was mentioned by five
families. One mother said that the violence towards the children started
with the man putting their toys away where they could not reach them and
it escalated from there. Others would deliberately break the children’s toys
or make the children watch, as one by one he would throw their toys in the
bin. Children’s play was also restricted when they were outside the home by
not allowing them to take part in activities at school or nursery; for
example, giving instructions to the nursery that the little boy could not play
on the climbing frame like the other children. Kara described how she was
not allowed to play, but was made to do chores all the time. She explained
how she was coerced by the abuser.
He said, ‘If you don’t do them, I’ll hit your mum’, and when he said
‘Otherwise I’ll hit your mum’, I felt scared so I thought I had better do
them. (Kara, aged 10)
Controlling children’s movements within the home

An unexpected finding, but one which five families spontaneously
discussed, was that children’s movements within the home were restricted.
Usually, this took the form of not allowing children in certain rooms of the
house, generally the sitting room, or the room where the family would
normally gather together. Other children were made to stay in their
bedrooms all the time, being allowed out only to eat. Ralph talked about
how he was made to stay in his bedroom and how he was not allowed to sit
on his bed or his bedroom floor and at times would not even be allowed to
go to the toilet.
I wasn’t very happy and we [my sister and I] wasn’t allowed down in the
front room at all, we had to stay in our bedrooms. We had to stay, the only
time we could come out was when we eat. (Ralph, aged 9)
Another young girl described what a treat it was to go to her granny’s house
where she was allowed to help with the cooking and washing up because she
was not even allowed inside the kitchen at home. Other children referred to
being locked in rooms and being very frightened and one brother and sister
used to be padlocked into their room at night.
Other behaviours that children and mothers described fell into two
general categories: methods used to control totally or regiment children’s
behaviour and methods by which the man intimidated the children.
Methods of regimenting children’s behaviour

Examples of behaviours used to control and dominate the children were
given by both mothers and children. Mothers described how the children
were not allowed to make any noise, how the children became very quiet and
controlled around their father, how they were afraid to ask questions. One
mother also talked about how her ex-partner would call the children in from
playing to change the television station for him. Another mother referred to
how her ex-partner would control whether or not the children were allowed
to talk to her. Controlling the children’s food intake was used by the violent
men in two families, so that they would decide whether or not the children
could even have a drink of water if they were thirsty.
Methods of intimidating children

Forms of intimidation that children were exposed to include:
• constantly staring at them
• making a 16-year-old feel so uncomfortable that she left home
• involving children’s friends in arguments so they could not bring
friends round
• not allowing children to have friends around
• holding child and mother hostage in the house
• damaging furniture in response to child’s behaviour and in this
way terrifying the child
• depriving children of sleep
• answering the telephone and telling friends not to phone to speak
to the young person
• manipulating things said to the children by outside agencies to
back up his wishes
• punishing a child repeatedly for being naughty

• stalking children.
Sexual abuse
None of the mothers and children were specifically asked about sexual
abuse, and as sexual abuse, more than any other form of abuse to children,
may be hidden, the information received about sexual abuse should be
understood as very likely to be an underestimate in terms of prevalence. The
information regarding sexual abuse was spontaneously volunteered by
those taking part. Six children (11%) had been sexually abused by the
violent man. Three of the men were the children’s father and three were
stepfathers. Five of the children abused were girls and one was a boy.
In five families there had been a child protection investigation carried
out. In three cases it was decided not to go ahead with a prosecution due to
lack of evidence. Two of these decisions were made by the Crown
Prosecution Service and one by social services and the police. In the latter
case the woman made the man leave the home and social services told her
that if she allowed him to return they would remove her daughter. She felt
that it was the correct approach to take. At the time of the interview, one
woman and her daughter were waiting to learn the court date for the case.
In the final case the prosecution went ahead and the man was found guilty
and imprisoned.
Fiona referred to how her father emotionally as well as sexually abused
her and how this made it all the more difficult to tell anyone about the
sexual abuse.
He used to touch me like when I was in bed. He used to always sort of sit
down and go on about how we didn’t love him and things and he was
going to die and stuff like that. (Fiona, aged 15)
One man told the young girl that her mother had asked him to abuse her
sexually and that if she told anyone he would kill her mother, she would be
put in a children’s home and no one would believe her. He backed up his
threats by holding a knife to her throat.
The children were all aware of the violence to their mothers so knew
what the violent man was capable of. Goddard and Hiller (1993) emphasise
how domestic violence may serve to prevent children disclosing the sexual
abuse: ‘The existence of other forms of violence, and the victimisation of
others by violence will present a major obstacle to the disclosure of abuse’
(p.27). In the present study, it took the children a long time to say anything
about the sexual abuse they were experiencing, although all of them were
‘acting out’ their distress behaviourally, for example with nightmares. The
little boy who had been abused had come to the attention of the authorities
because of his sexualised behaviour, but at that point it was interpreted as
being behaviour he had picked up from other children, so nothing
happened. Children spoke of their fear of not being believed as inhibiting
them from saying anything. As Fiona said:
So sometimes I’d maybe think it wasn’t worth talking to anybody ’cause
they might not believe me. (Fiona, aged 15)
Not surprisingly children found it very difficult to disclose the details of the
abuse and in the following example it took Shirley two hours before she was
able to describe what had happened to her even though she felt the
professional’s response was sympathetic.
And they asked me, well to tell them what was going on and they said that
I could either speak to them about it or I could write it down. I wrote it
down because I had to go into a lot of details and draw diagrams and
things and it was really embarrassing but I did it all… They were really
nice to me. They made me feel like there was no pressure and I could tell
them any way I wanted, the way that would make me feel best. They were
both female, that was all right. I think personally they were good with me.
(Shirley, aged 16)
Children and their mothers felt very let down when the decision not to
prosecute was taken. Mothers felt that as hard as it was for them to accept, it
was much harder for the children because they felt, first, that they had not
been believed, and second, that the man had not been punished for what he
had done.
Summary
It is clear from women’s descriptions that the man’s violence was around his
desire to control the woman and children and was not in response to
predictable triggers. Every aspect of women’s lives was controlled by their
violent partners and the most frequent form of this control was to isolate the
woman from family and friends. The most common pattern seemed to be a
gradual onset of the violence beginning early on in the relationship or after
some form of commitment was made. This finding was also reported by
Hester and Radford (1992), Kelly (1988) and Pahl (1985). The gradual
onset made it very hard for women to recognise that what was happening
was domestic violence.
The emotional and psychological abuse that women experienced meant
that women and children lived in a constant state of anticipation,
wondering what he was going to do next. Many women said that it was
harder to ‘get over’ the emotional and psychological abuse than the physical
violence. Most (83%) of the women experienced physical violence, at times
life threatening. Women were commonly attacked while holding small
children, which added a further dimension of threat to the violence.
Fifteen women (31%) spontaneously said they had experienced sexual
violence from their ex-partners and as women were not specifically asked
about the prevalence of sexual violence, it is possible that the true
prevalence is higher than this. As with other forms of violence to the
mother, children were also involved in the sexual violence in a number of
ways. First, children were conceived as a result of rape by the violent man;
second, women were raped during pregnancy, sometimes inducing labour
with subsequent health risks for both the woman and the child; third,
children tried to stop their fathers raping their mothers by physically
intervening; fourth, mothers feared that their violent partners would also
rape their daughters which then became another way of controlling the
women and ensuring that they stayed in the relationship.
Only nine women said that their partners were violent to people outside
the family unit and in most of these cases the targets were the women’s
extended family and friends. Thus, there was no indication that these men
were violent generally.
As has been reported by Hoff (1990) and Mezey and Bewley (1997),
this study found that becoming pregnant does not mean an end to the
violence for many women; in fact the violence may start or increase during
pregnancy. Women who were being abused before they became pregnant
often reported that the violence continued. When the physical violence did
stop in pregnancy the emotional and psychological abuse increased.
Children were involved in the violence in a number of ways; perhaps the
most obvious way was when mothers intervened to protect the children and
were then beaten themselves. In addition threats to harm or abduct the
children kept women in violent relationships or made them return to the
violent man once they had left.
Children experienced a range of abusive behaviour from the violent
man. Nearly two-thirds of children experienced emotional abuse. Mothers
felt that this emotional abuse had more profound and long-term effects than
physical abuse. Some form of physical abuse to children was reported in
over half of the families and in nearly one-third the violent men totally
controlled the children’s lives in a similar fashion to that in which they
controlled the women. Six children had been sexually abused by the violent
man. These figures indicate that when there is domestic violence there is a
strong possibility that any children in the household may also be abused by
the violent man, as well as suffering from the effects of witnessing the
violence. Domestic violence should be perceived then, as a possible
indicator of risk to children and the source of that risk is the violent man.
CHAPTER THREE
Forms of Violence
Witnessed By Children
Children witnessing the abuse of their mother

In forty-one families (85%) children were physically present while their
mothers were being abused in some way. What exactly does it mean for
children to witness domestic violence? Similar to the findings of Abrahams
(1994: 73%), in the majority of the families involved in this research
thirty-four children (71%) saw their mothers being physically assaulted.
Daddy punched my mum. My mum just didn’t do nothing back and then
he started punching her even harder. (Paul, aged 6)
In two of the families the children had seen their mothers knocked
unconscious on several occasions. Another child had seen her mother beaten
and kicked until her nose was broken. One man had beaten the woman
unconscious and then went out leaving the two toddlers alone in the flat
with their unconscious mother.
Glenda remembered a number of violent incidents that she had
witnessed.
Well, I remember seeing him get toast and scratch it across her face in the
kitchen and then he told us to get out and was shouting at us. And another
time, he pushed her … he pulled her up by her bra and shouted at her and
then pushed her down the stairs in my old house and I can’t remember
what it was over. (Glenda, aged 9)
Children witnessed their mothers being slapped, punched and kicked and
hit with objects, often on a regular basis. Hannah said that on one occasion it
just became too much for her, she describes herself as having ‘freaked out’
and how even the violent man’s threats could not stop her.
61
I really, really freaked out about it because he had Mum on the floor by her
throat. And he said to me, ‘You had better shut up or it will be you as well’.
And he came up, I was sat on top of the stairs and he came up to me with his
fist in my face and said, ‘I’m going to hit you if you don’t be quiet’, and I
carried on screaming by which time Mum had actually phoned the police.
So he went back down and then he took, that particular time he took her
into the bathroom and started beating her in there, banging her against the
wall and stuff. (Hannah, aged 15)
Eleven women had experienced their partners trying to suffocate or

strangle them in front of the children. One mother recalled how she had
been sitting with her young son on her knee when his father tried to
strangle her with her dressing gown cord. The boy’s arm had become
caught in the cord and as the man was pulling it tighter the child was also
hurt.
Three men threatened to kill their partners in front of the children.
He used to always say that he was going to kill my mum, he used to always
say that he was going to kill all my family and if like, and he really sounded
serious like he really would do it. Well, I’m not saying he would have, but
he sounded like that was it. (Mona, aged 17)
In eleven families the children had consistently seen their fathers break
things in the house. Furniture was smashed to pieces, doors and windows
kicked or punched until they broke. Sometimes children’s toys or other
possessions were broken systematically. As well as being dangerous for
children to be present when things, sometimes heavy furniture, were being
thrown about, it was terrifying for them to witness such destruction. It left
no doubt as to the extent of the man’s strength and power, especially in
relation to a small child. If he could throw a heavy table against a wall, a
small body would obviously be no problem. Possessions that children
needed or loved were broken and often there was no money or the woman
was not allowed to replace them. On going to interview one family the little
boy immediately pointed out a hole in the living room wall saying, ‘My
daddy did that’. (Peter, aged 7)
Although children in seven families were not present when the damage was
caused, the outcomes of damage to possessions or the home were witnessed
by these children. Damaging possessions left visible reminders – holes,
marks or telling absences – of the force it took to break them.
FORMS OF VIOLENCE WITNESSED BY CHILDREN / 63
In addition to seeing their mother being hit and things being broken,
children from nine families saw things being thrown at their mother, at times
narrowly missing themselves.
He’d throw stuff around, throws bottles at Mummy. (Adrian, aged 7)
Children and mothers from eight families described times where the
children may not actually have seen their mother being beaten but they saw
her being pushed around or being pinned down by the man. There are
physical risks to the children in this situation, for example, as mothers are
pushed over on top of small children.
Five men threatened the women with weapons in front of the children.
Knives were the most common weapons mentioned. Women had knives
held to their throats or knives thrown at them. One young boy intervened
when his father threatened his mother with a knife, begging him not to hurt
her. Another man tried to hit the woman with a broken bottle while she was
holding the baby. Ralph recalled how his stepfather tried to snatch Ralph’s
younger sister and threatened his mother with a gun. His older sister ran for
help.
He threatened Mum that he had a shotgun and he was going to shoot her
and kill her and all this. She [my sister] ran over to the phone box to call
the police. (Ralph, aged 9)
In five families (10%, the same figure found by Abrahams 1994), the violent
men raped the women in front of their children, sometimes on many
occasions. The men did not seem to care that the children were there.
Sometimes children would intervene, attempting to pull their father away
and stop the assault.
Children commonly were present when their mothers were being
verbally abused and indeed were often drawn into the abuse.
I mean I had experienced verbal things he was saying to [my younger
sister] like ‘Call your mum a slut. Your mum’s a f****** c***’. I witnessed
all that, but not actually any violence towards her. (Hannah, aged 15)
They saw the facial expressions, the sneers that accompanied the abuse and
of course they witnessed the impact that the man’s words had. Children in
thirteen families (27%) had often been present during the verbal abuse that
their mothers experienced. One mother described how she would try to
pretend to her two young sons that their father was only joking. She was
unable to convince them. It was clear to the children that things were being
said to wound, not to amuse.
Four men deliberately hurt themselves in front of the children. Two of
these men attempted suicide: one took an overdose and the other jumped
out of a high window seriously injuring himself. In one family the children
saw the man put his fist through a window and another young boy
witnessed his father deliberately cut himself deeply with a knife.
Other forms of abusive behaviour used by the man and witnessed by the
children were sleep deprivation, trying to prevent the woman getting
emergency medical help, holding the woman and children hostage and
controlling contact with family or friends.
Children overhearing the violence

In twenty-eight families (58%), the children overheard the violence to their
mothers. In these situations, the children would be in bed and wake up
because of the violence or would have been sent out of the room.
’Cause when I wake up in the night there was always fighting, sometimes I
hear Mummy crying and sometimes I hear her getting smacked and John
shouting at her. So I start screaming myself. (Sabrina, aged 10)
Sabrina referred to her absolute terror that her mother would be killed, a
justifiable fear as she had witnessed her mother beaten unconscious on
numerous occasions.
Sian explained how her older sister would take her out of the room
when her father was violent. But she did not want to go with her sister; she
wanted to stay with her mother.
Question: Can you remember why you wanted to stay with your mum
[during an assault]?
Answer: Because I wanted to stay with her to make sure she was all right.
(Sian, aged 8)
A number of children said that they thought that hearing the violence and
their mother’s distress was worse than actually seeing it happening. What
was evident from these children’s accounts was that by hearing the violence
but not knowing what was actually happening, their own feelings of
powerlessness were increased. From these children’s interviews there was
the suggestion that they may have been holding on to the belief that if they
were able to see what was happening they would have been galvanised into
action to help their mother. Interestingly, one young woman found that
FORMS OF VIOLENCE WITNESSED BY CHILDREN / 65
even some time after the violent man was no longer living with them, it was
overhearing the violence that stayed in her memory more than actually
seeing it.
What I remember is being in bed and hearing it all the time. I know I saw
it but I can’t remember seeing it, can’t explain it, it’s really weird, just
blocked it out, put it to the back of my mind. (Jackie, aged 19)
When children did not physically see the assaults on their mother or if the
violence mainly took other forms, mothers often believed that by not talking
to the children about it they were protecting them from knowledge about
the domestic violence. As this and other research (e.g. Jaffe et al. 1990;
McWilliams and McKiernan 1993) has so clearly illustrated, children do not
have to be physically present during an assault to be aware of domestic
violence.
Deirdre talked about how she felt her children could ‘sense’ it when she
was being beaten and how she tried to protect them.
They probably heard it because I can remember a few incidents if the
abuse had stopped at 3 o’clock in the morning and I would go and check
on the boys, and they’d both be wide awake. Padraig would be under the
bed, Peter would be in the corner of the bed, they wouldn’t cry. And I
would go in and I’d rock them to sleep and that and you could guarantee
that both of them the next day would wet the beds the next morning.
They didn’t actually see it but obviously they heard it, and they knew
what was going on, they could sense it … I’d be like oh my God, stop
myself from crying because of the children and that was it. I just stopped
crying, he could hit me, beat me to a pulp, I wouldn’t even cry, because
they can sense it. (Deirdre)
As children pointed out again and again, they could hear the violence and
they were able to work out for themselves that something was very wrong:
we could hear it all the time, like upstairs when we were in bed. We used to
hear it all the time so if you say to her [my mother], ‘What went on last
night?’ She’d say, ‘Nothing, nothing don’t worry about it’. I used to say to
her, ‘You know I’m not stupid’. (Karina, aged 16)
Yes, because he’d throw the table, I think you could hear that! He’d broken
lots of our tables where he threw them at my mum and things so we knew
it was going on. (Marilyn, aged 15)
Children witnessing the outcome of the violence

In addition to being physically present when their mothers were being
abused, children witnessed the outcomes of the violence. Cuts and bruising
to the mother were seen by children in thirteen families (27%) and children
would try to comfort their mothers when they saw their injuries. From
children’s accounts it was evident that even if they did not actually see their
mother being assaulted, they were still affected by witnessing the outcomes.
What I heard was a lot of shouting and screaming and the shouting was
mostly my dad because he did have, he’s got quite a loud voice and my
mum was screaming. And when she came downstairs next day and she had
a big bruise and it really hurt and she had some scratches as well. And I kept
on asking her if she was OK and she wasn’t. (Regina, aged 9)
In eight families children had seen their mother’s distress because of the
violence and were quite clear about the cause, even when their mothers tried
to dismiss or hide their feelings.
Summary
In 85 per cent of families children were present when their mothers were
being abused in some way and in 71 per cent of these families children
witnessed their mothers being physically assaulted. In 58 per cent of
families, children overheard the violence to their mothers and from
children’s accounts it would seem that hearing the violence but not seeing
what was happening or knowing what to do about it has the potential to
increase children’s feelings of powerlessness and trauma. In 27 per cent of
families children overheard the verbal abuse of their mothers and they
experienced this as abusive themselves. In a further 27 per cent of families
children witnessed the outcome of the violence, particularly cuts and
bruising to their mothers or damage to property. Clearly children were
aware of the abuse of their mothers. If they were not physically present
during an assault, they witnessed the verbal abuse and the outcomes of the
man’s violence. Not talking to children about domestic violence did not
protect them from it: they were already very much aware that it was
happening; instead the silence just reinforced the idea that this was a
shameful family secret.
PART THREE
Impacts of
Domestic Violence
CHAPTER FOUR
Effect of Domestic
Violence on Children
Introduction
For some years now, research has highlighted the fact that domestic violence
can have a negative impact on children. Evason (1982) found that 72 per
cent of the mothers in her study felt that their children had experienced
negative emotional impacts because of the domestic violence. Of the
mothers in Abrahams’ (1994) study, 91 per cent felt that their children
suffered negative effects and 86 per cent said that these effects continued in
the long term into children’s adolescence. Mama’s (1996) study of 100 black
women experiencing domestic violence reported that all of the women felt
that the violence had detrimental effects on their children. In Clifton et al.’s
(1996) study mothers were also concerned about the impact of the domestic
violence on their children and for many of the mothers ‘this was the trigger
which led to them leaving’ (p.32).
In the present study, children and mothers both reported a wide range of
effects of domestic violence on the children including fear, powerlessness,
depression or sadness, impaired social relations, impacts on the child’s
identity, impacts on extended family relationships and their relationship
with their mother, effects on educational achievement and anger, very often
displayed as aggressive behaviour. The child’s relationship with the father or
father figure is also clearly affected by the violence to the mother.
Early research in this area attempted to quantify children’s distress and
correlate it with evidence of direct abuse to the child in addition to that of
witnessing the abuse of their mother (Davis and Carlson 1987; Hughes
1988). Fantuzzo et al. (1991) reported that children who witnessed both
physical and verbal abuse of their mothers displayed more behavioural
problems than children witnessing verbal abuse alone. Hughes (1992) also
found that children’s difficulties increased as they were exposed to more
forms of violence. Attempting to quantify either the violence or levels of
69
children’s distress is not helpful in recognising the uniqueness of individual

children’s responses to violence or the development of a cohesive approach
to domestic violence. As Kelly (1994) points out, a range of factors both
personal and external influence how children react to domestic violence.
An important point to highlight is that children are affected by all forms of
domestic violence, not just the physical violence. Children and mothers in
this study highlighted the impact of living with fear and intimidation on a
daily basis rather than the effects of specific physical assaults.
Listening to the emotional abuse of their mother was very distressing for
children; for example, Kim described how her 8-year-old son was reacting
to being exposed to the emotional abuse of his mother:
He just said to me last night, he said, ‘Mum, my brain feels like a volcano as
though all the lava’s going to erupt’ and he said, ‘I’ve only got a little brain,
Mummy, why’s he doing this to me? Why is he saying all these things?’
(Kim)
Fear
Children who were interviewed discussed how witnessing the abuse of
their mother made them feel. The majority of children felt several emotions
concurrently; however, by far the most commonly mentioned impact of the
domestic violence was fear. Children and mothers reported that children
and young people had a general fear as well as very specific fears around the
man’s violence. In terms of a ‘general’ fear, children reported being
frightened of the violent man or of what he might do. In other words, a fear
of the unknown, of what was going to happen next.
Other children reported very specific fears related to the man’s violence.
The most frequently mentioned of these specific fears was that the children
themselves would be hurt by the man. One young boy explained that he
had seen his brother being hurt and therefore feared for his own safety.
Shouting and hitting and stuff, he threw my brother on the bed and against
the wall. (Padraig, aged 5)
Some children said that they were afraid, not just of being hurt, but that
their violent fathers would kill them. In some instances, children had
actually received such threats.
Well, he told me that if I ever told anybody he would kill me. And he
probably would have. (Shirley, aged 16)
EFFECT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ON CHILDREN / 71
In addition, the effect of seeing their mothers assaulted reinforced children’s

feelings of vulnerability in the face of such damaging aggression.
In relation to their mothers, children reported similar anxieties to those
they felt for their own safety. For some children their fears centred
specifically on their mothers being hit, whereas others frequently stated that
their biggest fear was that the violent man would actually kill their mothers.
Scared, because sometimes I thought he might kill her the way he beated
Mummy up. (Sabrina, aged 10)
Similarly, when asked what his fears were, Seamus responded:

Question: What were you frightened of ?
Answer: My dad actually killing my mum. (Seamus, aged 10)
Children’s fears manifested themselves in a number of ways, most
commonly as behavioural problems or aggressive behaviour and nightmares.
Well one [nightmare] was that when I was asleep he [my father] got a knife
and stabbed me, that was the other one that I had. I had some more but
I’ve forgotten them. (Gerrard, aged 5)
Bedwetting was also frequently mentioned, specifically in relation to boys.

Other symptoms of fear displayed by children were developing a nervous
twitch, sleepwalking, stuttering and becoming clumsy when near the abuser.
Three children had run away from home. One young girl was left with a fear
of the dark because the abusive man used to lock her and her brother in their
bedroom at night.
Long-term effects of fear

It is clear from what children and mothers said that this fear engendered by
the violent man affected how safe the children felt, even when they were no
longer living with the perpetrator. Children’s fears of being hurt by their
father may become generalised so that they fear any man may hit them. In a
number of cases, mothers discussed their anxiety that their children’s
generalised fear of men did not appear to be lessening with time once they
were no longer living with the abusive man. Some children would ask other
men to beat their fathers up as a way of punishing them for their violence.
The next most common fear reported by children was the fear that once they
had escaped from the abuser that he would find them again.
I’m worried because he might find out where we are, and I am happy
because I am away from him. (Kara, aged 10)
One young boy, who witnessed the violent man breaking into their new
home and assaulting his mother, lived in fear that he would break in again
and abduct the two youngest children. Thus, as for their mothers, children’s
fears of what the violent man may do were not necessarily erased as soon as
they were away from the situation. Feeling more secure and less threatened
is a process that takes time for many children and it is important to recognise
that these fears are not unfounded as women and children are frequently
followed once they have left the violent man.
For many weeks and months after leaving the abusive man, children
lived with the fear that he would find them and their mothers and they
would be forced to return. One mother related how her 5-year-old son,
when playing with a doll’s house in the refuge playroom, carefully
barricaded all the doors and windows. He then explained to the child
worker that it was his mummy’s new house and he had blocked the doors
and windows so that his daddy could not get in.
The experience of repeatedly leaving and being found by the violent
man and having to return home increased children’s feelings of
powerlessness and hopelessness.
I just felt so angry that I couldn’t help her. All I wanted to do was just get a
suitcase, put her clothes in the suitcase, tell her to come with me and all the
kids, and just go to a refuge or like some place for like women and children.
But we just couldn’t get away from him. Wherever we used to go, he used to
find out where we were and all our phone numbers of wherever we lived,
even he found out where we lived here and every time my mum used to take
him back, I couldn’t understand why. (Jackie, aged 19)
A 17-year-old discussed how when she was 11 the abuser used to threaten
to kill her mother and all the family. She said it made her feel:
constantly on edge. Never free, never safe. It was like, there was no safe
[place] … being at home wasn’t safe at all, it was just that’s the place where
you are and you’re constantly alert. You don’t sleep properly, you just sit
there and wait for something to happen. (Mona, aged 17)
Even now, she says, the fear stays with her:

and he, he portrayed himself as invincible. I still think he’s invincible, and
he used to always say to me, he was going to come outside the school and
get his friends to throw acid in my face if I don’t do this, and all that kind
of thing. And I, like walking down the road you always walk and look see
if any cars [like his] are driving past. (Mona, aged 17)
Sadness
After fear children were most frequently ‘upset’ by the violence against their
mother. Children described themselves as feeling:
Sad. (Francis, aged 6)
Awful, it made me cry. (Adrian, aged 7)
Children also talked about being with their siblings and all of them being
upset and unable to comfort each other.
All of us [children] went upstairs and there was crying. (Paul, aged 6)
Upset, and Paul and Tracy were crying and I was … we was all crying,
because, we could just hear our mum crying and screaming. And our dad
shouting at her. (Glenda, aged 9)
Some children responded to the feelings generated by witnessing the

domestic violence by self-harming, in particular cutting themselves. In
addition, children experienced suicidal thoughts. Depression and suicidal
ideation may be believed to be part of the range of symptoms exhibited by
adolescents and teenagers who witness domestic violence. However, this
study identified that much younger children are also at risk for suicidal
thoughts. For example, one mother relayed how shocked she had been to
realise that the violence was making her 7-year-old daughter suicidal. In this
case the little girl wrote to her parents saying that she would kill herself if the
violence did not stop. Other examples given were a young boy attempting to
step out in front of moving traffic, stating that his intention was to kill
himself, and another young boy attempting to throw himself from a high
window.
Kara carefully described how both her feelings and her behaviour had
changed because of the violence.
When he first hit me mum I felt scared, before that I were happy because
me mum were happy, until he started hitting me mum … Well when I
found out and he went, it changed me behaviour a bit, because then I were
happy and a bit nice, and now I am more happy and more nice. (Kara, aged
10)
Anger
Children displaying their anger as aggressive behaviour is not unusual
following domestic violence.
I started being naughty because I was always, I started swearing at him and
everything. I got really bad, but it got sorted out when I was in the refuge
because there was strict rules – shut me up! And that changed it all. That’s
how my behaviour changed, just started getting a big mouth, and that’s all
changed … Yeah – because when I was living with John I used to bang on
the walls and shout at him and tell him to stop it, then I used to be scared to
do it then and that was when my anger started coming out, and then I could
talk about that with all the other kids, and they would say how they were
angry and how they were feeling, I didn’t feel out of place. (Marilyn, aged
15)
Children frequently reported their desire to seek their revenge on their

father or mother’s partner, by physically hurting him.
I would have thrown something at him, that’s what I think, I would do that.
(Adrian, aged 7)
Both boys and girls were displaying aggressive behaviour. However, some
differences were evident in the targets of their aggression. Boys were
slightly more often reported as being aggressive to their mother, other
children or sometimes, specifically to girls. On the other hand, girls’
aggression appears to be very much more directed at boys or men. Several
mothers described how their teenage daughters had physically lashed out
at boys for their sexist remarks or inappropriate sexual behaviour. At times
this behaviour had meant that they had been threatened with expulsion
from school.
Young girls’ anger at the violence inflicted on their mother and their
determination not to be victimised by male violence themselves appeared to
be expressing itself as aggression towards males. Children and young
people have many emotions concerning the violence to their mothers. They
need support in working through these emotions.
Teenagers described their anger building up over time so that eventually
all they could think about was to attack the violent man.
I got to the point where I was starting to think that I was going to kill him
if he touches her again. (Hannah, aged 15)
Jackie described how she ‘just flipped’ after years of her mother being
abused and nobody talking about it.
I went out into the street, trying to find him [my mum’s partner] because I
was so angry, I just flipped because I couldn’t handle him being like that to
my mum again, just had enough for years of him being violent towards
her. So I rushed up the road trying to find him. I found him, he was
driving his car and he run me over in his car. I got up and I was punching
him and kicking him and screaming at him. It was in the middle of the
night and there was people looking out of the houses and I was really,
really, really angry, and I kicked all the lights in his car, just so angry.
(Jackie, aged 19)
Girls’ fears for their future and their present feelings of vulnerability from
boys also need addressing. There is a clear need for assertiveness training
with these young people so that they can learn to feel less vulnerable without
having to resort to violence. As Sheena said, being aggressive was the only
way she knew how to start letting her feelings out.
Well sometimes, I just lashed, I’d just … well no, I wouldn’t lash out but I’d
just get, I’d just have a shouting thing and just let everything out. And
sometimes I’d go into my room and I’d just cry and just let it out. (Sheena,
aged 12)
Tracy described how the domestic violence had made her feel that she
needed to stand up for herself.
Yeah, I feel different and I’ve changed a lot as well. Like I used to be really
soft and everything, like to other people and that, people used to boss me
around and that. But now everything’s happened, I’ve got a lot rougher
with everyone else, outside or in school and that if someone starts on me I
just lash out on them. (Tracy, aged 15)
Powerlessness
Children repeatedly talked in the interviews about their feelings of
powerlessness in relation to the abuser.
Well, I couldn’t do nothing because he wouldn’t let me in the room. He’d
just tell me to go upstairs or if he was upstairs he’d tell me to go downstairs,
or just tell me to go somewhere else. (Glenda, aged 9)
At times children conveyed the sense of desperation they felt in wanting to

stop the violence but not knowing what to do.
And I was scared because like he wouldn’t take any notice of me and I was
like what on earth am I supposed to do if he won’t stop screaming at her
and stuff ? (Fiona, aged 15)
Children often discussed how their feelings of powerlessness increased

their distress.
I felt upset because I couldn’t help her and all I wanted to do, sometimes
just get a knife and kill him, sometimes, but I knew that I would get into
trouble for it. But I just couldn’t. There was no helpline or anything we
could phone at the time, like there is now, but I just felt so angry all the
time. I used to cry myself to sleep and think about a hundred ways how I
could kill him, poison him and stab him and stuff. But it’s silly really isn’t
it? But I felt so angry. I just cried all the time for her, I just felt so sorry for
her, that I couldn’t help her. (Jackie, aged 19)
Children described how they really wanted to be able to do something to

help their mother, to stop the man’s violence and how they were paralysed
by fear.
And every time he hit my mum I felt like just getting up and whacking him
one, but my mum just kept kicking him away. I felt really angry so I just ran
upstairs in my room and I’d lock the door. And I just stayed up until 11
o’clock or 1 o’clock in the morning and watched my TV. (Damian, aged 9)
Children were, at times, able to stop an assault on their mother, as in the

following example:
I got in the way and pushed my dad. My dad just walked out then. (Seamus,
aged 10)
However, more commonly children were reduced to fantasies of revenge.

One 8-year-old boy started his interview saying that he wanted to beat his
dad’s head in.
Children very frequently said that hearing the violence was worse than
actually seeing the assaults because when they could not see what was
happening to their mother, they believed that she was being killed.
It was horrible [when my mum was being assaulted] and what could have
made it better was that if my dad hadn’t, he would have just, like at least
we knew that nothing bad was happening if he had just, like, left the door
open or told us that it’s OK or something but no one did so he just made it
worse. (Regina, aged 9)
Children’s feelings of powerlessness can increase their trauma, particularly if

nobody is talking to them about the domestic violence or giving them an
outlet for their intense emotions. Safety planning with children can be a
contentious issue, with opponents feeling that if children are taught safety
planning and then are unable to protect either themselves or their mothers,
their feelings of guilt will be intensified. However, what children are saying
is that they want to be able to do something, they feel guilty at not acting at
all; as Jackie pointed out, in the end the only thing she could think of to end
the violence was to kill the abuser.
He was quite a big man; he was much, much taller than me, built like really
big. There was nothing I could do, apart from getting a knife and stabbing
him, but that’s not going to improve anything is it? (Jackie, aged 19)
Children’s feelings of powerlessness were not simply confined to the times

when their mothers were being assaulted, although they were more intense
at that point. Children referred to being aware constantly of how little
power they had to stop the violence.
My best friend at the time, I used to go on holiday with her every year to
another country; that used to be quite relaxing to get away from him for
two weeks. But I used to, when I would be sunbathing or whatever, I used
to be thinking about what he was doing to Mum all the time and knowing
that I couldn’t do anything about it. (Jackie, aged 19)
Effect on children’s identity

Several children referred to the fact that they felt stigmatised by the domestic
violence. Even very young children were aware of the stigma surrounding
domestic violence. Children said they felt humiliated and degraded by the
violence and it clearly affected their identity.
I was a very private person, like my business is my business, I don’t feel no
one else has to know. It’s degrading and humiliating everyone else
knowing what’s going on. I just found it degrading just knowing that
everyone else was going home and they’d come into school and they’d sit
down and say, ‘Oh my dad won’t let me wear this top,’ and I’d think, ‘Yeah
that’s all you lot are worrying about’. (Mona, aged 17)
Children also discussed how important it was for them to realise that they
were not the only people experiencing domestic violence. Knowing that it
happens to others may lessen the sense of shame a child feels.
Related to the issue of children’s identity, two women (one white and
one mixed race) talked about how they struggled to protect their black
children from racism and to make them proud of their identity, despite the
stigma of having experienced domestic violence. Hester et al. (1999)
recognised the influence of institutional racism on women and children
seeking help for domestic violence. They also acknowledged that ‘for
children from mixed race relationships, trying to understand their
experiences might be made more difficult by not knowing with which
parent to identify’ (p.55).
Girls said that because of the domestic violence they lacked
self-confidence and self-esteem and that they were nervous and timid.
Mothers referred to both boys and girls, but particularly girls, being
withdrawn. One young girl felt that she had had to grow up too quickly
because of the domestic violence and another boy felt that he and his
siblings had missed out on a lot of things when they were growing up
because of the domestic violence.
Effect of domestic violence on children’s health

Mothers mentioned a number of health problems their children had
suffered and which they felt were directly related to the domestic violence.
These included asthma, eczema, eating disorders, headaches, stomach
pains, disturbed sleep, babies having feeding problems, delayed
development, in one case delayed speech and in another instance, severe
general developmental delays. Hague et al. (1996) also reported delayed
development of children as a result of domestic violence.
Effect on children’s education
When I went to school it affected me a lot because all day I was thinking
about what would happen when I would go home. So at school my work
level dropped for quite a bit. So it affected me not just at home but at
school. And then there were like, in the mornings when they started
arguing and I’d go into school crying and people would ask me why I was
crying and I couldn’t tell them. When I get told off at school, not just
because lots of kids when they get told off they start crying, but I cry
because then it’s also added on to my plate of other problems. (Regina,
aged 9)
As has already been highlighted in the section on children’s anger regarding

domestic violence, children often bring many problems into school because
of the man’s violence at home. As we have seen, one of these effects of the
domestic violence was aggression, which spilled over into school. For
example, one 5-year-old boy had been suspended from school twice for
violence to teachers and children. Jackie described how the domestic
violence had affected her younger siblings at school.
At the time I felt sorry for Terry and Karina because they were younger,
they couldn’t get out of it. All they could hear was the arguing. Obviously
they grew up with the violence all the time so they used to go and beat the
kids up at school ’cause they thought that was the right thing to do
because they had grown up with it. But now, they’re all right now, they’re
lovely now. (Jackie, aged 19)
A mother whose 5-year-old son has special educational needs talked about
her guilt. She felt that his educational problems spring from the fact that she
was never allowed to play games with him or read to him when he was small.
In order to protect him from the violence she had to do as her ex-partner
said.
Domestic violence affected children’s educational achievement in three
main ways:
• aggression in school
• lack of concentration
• school refusal.
Several children were reported as being unable to concentrate while at
school so that their work suffered significantly. At least two teenagers were
unable to go on to tertiary-level education as planned because they had
fallen behind so much with their work. Children and young people pointed
out that they were totally unable to concentrate on their schoolwork
because they were so worried about what might be presently happening or
going to happen at home.
When I was at the middle school, when I was about 10, then that’s when
the teacher started to notice something was wrong. And if [Dad] beat Mum
up I would be at school thinking, ‘What if he’s come back?’ or ‘What if I go
home and Mum isn’t there?’ ‘What if something has happened?’ So I was
always a nervous wreck and then like I just wouldn’t do any of my work,
really defiant and that, because I was just worrying what the situation in the
home environment would be when I got home from school. (Hannah, aged
15)
Jackie discussed what it had been like for her:

Yeah, my school work really went downhill and my exams, ’cause at the
time I was taking my exams when all the fighting and arguing was going
on and I couldn’t study because of the arguing, I could hear constant
arguing all the time. And I failed all my exams because of it and I blame him
for it, I didn’t try at all, I just couldn’t be bothered any more, I just gave up.
Also I was quite rebellious at school, not as bad as some people, but just
wouldn’t do the work. And I would keep getting letters coming home
saying that I hadn’t done the coursework and it was all just down to him
really, I just couldn’t be bothered to do it. So I failed all my exams and that
was it, left school without any qualifications, got a good job now though,
well sort of a good job. And all the arguing at home used to make my
coursework, I couldn’t be bothered to do it, I used to just sit there and cry
and shake because I couldn’t do my homework. And sometimes I just felt
like going downstairs and slapping them both saying, ‘Shut up, I’m trying
to do my work’. But as I say there was nothing I could do about it. All my
friends at school were comforting me and saying that it was all right and
they were helping me do my work, like giving me their notes to copy and
stuff. I used to copy them down like word for word what they wrote. But as
I say all my work, failed all my exams, I put it down to him what had
happened at home. (Jackie, aged 19)
Consistent with the findings of Jaffe et al. (1990), some children felt that
they could not attend school because they were simply too frightened to
leave their mother on her own. Children described how they just could not
shut out the images of their mother being beaten, making it impossible for
them to remain in school.
I’d think about my mum being hit and then I just would walk out of
school and come home and then not go in for another three days and then
go back again and walk out. I didn’t like the thought of her being on her
own with him, so I stayed at home all the time. And that’s really what
started it off, and now I usually stay at home even though she’s not getting
beaten up. I’m used to it. (Marilyn, aged 15)
This young girl’s mother described how she would send her daughter to
school but she would sneak in the back door and hide in her room so her
mother did not even realise that she was in the house.
Karina pointed out that incidents in school could trigger memories of the
violence, leaving her feeling vulnerable.
[I] failed all my exams, I put it down to him, what had happened at home.
The atmosphere at school, the atmosphere at home was exactly the same,
and whenever I heard the teacher shouting at a child, I just used to cover
my ears ’cause I don’t want to hear no one shouting. It’s like, every time I
heard someone shouting, it was like bells ringing in my head. I just don’t
want no more shouting, I used to just want to run out of the room and
burst out crying because I don’t want to hear no more shouting. (Karina,
aged 16)
School can serve as a place of refuge for children, giving them some respite
from the violence, although they can feel torn between not wanting to go
home after school and needing to see their mother and be reassured that she
was all right. Some children would attempt to spend as much time at school
as possible, getting there very early in the morning and leaving very late,
even if it meant getting into trouble in order to do so.
And I used to make myself have detention so I could stay later, so I would
miss the last bus. (Jackie, aged 19)
Sleep deprivation was a tactic often used by violent men and it affected the
children as well as the women. One little boy kept falling asleep in class
because his father used sleep deprivation on the woman and child as part of
the abuse.
A teenager describes how the violent man would destroy anything that
meant a lot to her and this included her schoolbooks.
I had books from infant school that I really wanted to keep and give to,
show to my kids. ‘Oh look what I’ve got.’ I loved school, so they were
really important to me, they meant more than anything. And that was my
work, that was stuff that I got really good marks on that I could show. All
gone. All of it. But I used to be terrible, I used to really leave early for
school and then get … come in as late as I could possibly come in. (Mona,
aged 17)
Mona also described how difficult it was moving constantly and having to
change schools all the time.
There was one particular high school that I really, really wanted to go to
and I got in and I was all excited and everyone was all excited ’cause this
was the school that I’d spent most of my time at and all my friends were
there and I was all excited to go to this new high school. And then we
moved. That was awful, that was really awful and then I had to go to a high
school where, it’s bad enough having to go into high school because it’s
really scary going into high school in the first place, you know you’re the
youngest there, and then didn’t know anybody. Or I’d always start terms
halfway through and I’m used to being the new person now anyway.
(Mona, aged 17)
Effects on children’s relationship with their mother

Not surprisingly children’s relationship with their mother was affected by
the domestic violence. In some cases, children (usually boys) appeared to
imitate the aggressor’s behaviour and become violent to their mother.
Mothers discussed how hurt they were by their sons seeming to turn against
them. Other children copied the way the man spoke to their mother and as a
result the mother–child relationship became strained. Glenda explained
how difficult it was to stop her young brother being violent to their mother.
Paul copies like when he saw my dad beating up my mum, Paul copies it
and he always hits my mum and everything as well.
Question: How do you feel when Paul hits your mum?
Answer: Well, I think it’s not his fault, he’s just copying the bigger person. He
doesn’t listen. We tell him he’s going to get in trouble but he says, ‘How
comes Daddy didn’t?’ And then we tell him because my mum would try to
talk… I’d tell him because my mum would try talk to him but he wouldn’t
listen…my dad wouldn’t listen, so that’s why he still got away with it.
(Glenda, aged 9)
Other children were verbally abusive following contact with their fathers, a
finding also reported in Hester and Radford’s (1996) study of contact
following domestic violence.
On the other hand some children became very protective of their

mother’s physical and emotional well-being. Small children may become
very clingy with their mother, needing to keep her in sight at all times,
although it was not unusual for children then to avoid their mother when
their father was around. In this way small children attempted to protect
themselves by not demonstrating a close alliance with their mother in front
of their father, a strategy also noted by Hilton (1992).
On the whole young people either felt that because of their experiences
of violence, their relationship with their mother had improved or on the
other hand they blamed their mother in some way. Sometimes children were
conscious that they were being irrational in apportioning the blame to their
mother but could not help how they felt. Children blamed their mother for
making their father leave, for splitting up the family and for ‘taking’ the
violence for so long.
Well, I were angry with him and in one way I were angry with me mum for
choosing him. (Kara, aged 10)
In one family the teenage girl was very angry that her mother had not
informed her that her stepfather had a conviction for child sexual abuse. She
consequently blamed her mother when he sexually abused her younger
brother.
Another young person described how the abuser used to get her into
trouble and then her mother would blame her. She felt that it has left them
with the legacy of being unable to communicate, leaving them impatient and
frustrated with each other. One teenage girl was being sexually abused by
her father. She believed that her mother knew but was not doing anything to
stop him. Their relationship became strained until they could start talking to
each other about what had happened.
Communication appeared to be the key in differentiating those young
people who blamed their mother and those who felt that their shared
experiences of violence had brought them closer. Those who felt that their
relationship with their mother had improved stressed how they were able to
communicate very well with each other about current issues in their lives as
well as the domestic violence. Children and young people referred to how
being able to talk to their mother about the domestic violence enabled them
to understand better the dynamics of what had been happening.
I think it actually improved it [our relationship]. It made me realise how
much she really did care about me, even though she had always been
moody. (Shirley, aged 16)
Well, as I said it probably got us closer together but I think it definitely did
affect our relationship. I felt that we weren’t a family, we were just people
living together, and that but I mean, that’s because I didn’t really know
what was around the corner, whether it was going to be a thump in my face
or Mum’s. I just felt as though I was living a walking, talking hell really.
(Hannah, aged 15)
Children need to express how they feel about the violence but they also
need to hear their mother’s perspective in order to make sense of what
happened. How to talk to their children about the domestic violence was, as
will be discussed later, an issue that mothers really struggled with.
Learning a new way of being together

Having left the violent man, mothers and children often had to learn a new
way of being together. This usually involved a much more relaxed,
violence-free life. Children initially had to learn where the boundaries lay
in this new existence and a number of mothers reported that their children
had at first struggled with issues such as who was now the ‘boss’ or what was
‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in terms of their behaviour. Marianne described how
liberating it was for the children as well as herself when they went to a
refuge.
I was taking the mickey out of Ian [my son], and he turned round and said,
‘I’ve never seen you laugh like that!’, but he hadn’t, because I had never
laughed like it. (Marianne)
Martine described how her little girl had been too frightened even to play
before because the violent man had not allowed them to make any noise at
all. She used to spend her time just sitting quietly, not doing anything, just
sitting there. Since moving to their new home, the little girl happily played
with her toys. Her brother, who had always wet the bed, had stopped as
soon as they had moved away from the violent man.
Effects on children’s relationship with their father

It is hardly surprising that experiencing domestic violence had significant
impacts on children’s relationship with their father or father figure. Of all
the impacts identified, being ‘scared’, ‘nervous’, ‘nervy’ or ‘frightened’ of
the abuser were the ones most frequently mentioned.
Can’t stand him. Can’t stand him at all. I’m scared though because, he’s,
he’s everywhere. (Mona, aged 17)
Ralph talked about how he had felt frightened of his father but could not
work out why. He said he had blocked the memories of what had happened.
Later when he was no longer living with his father he remembered.
And when I first moved in with grandma I was wondering why I was
scared of him and I had forgotten most of the things what had happened.
And when I was coming on about 7, I remembered all this stuff and all this
stuff was coming to me and I felt really scared. (Ralph, aged 9)
In addition to children being frightened of the violent man, children were

described as ‘wary’ of him. Children did their best to avoid being in the same
room as their father and when they had to be near him, they were edgy and
watchful.
Another commonly reported impact of the violence was that the
children’s relationship with the man changed once the child had witnessed
the violence to the mother. Where children had been close to the man
beforehand, after witnessing the violence they no longer felt the same about
him.
Complete pig … And I just, I don’t even want to be in the same country as
him, I think he is a complete psycho. (Hannah, aged 15)
I didn’t talk to him that much after that [witnessing my father’s violence]. I
felt he weren’t worth talking to. (Tracy, aged 15)
Allied to this change in the relationship following the child witnessing the
man’s violence, in seven families the children or their mothers specifically
raised the issue of the children no longer wanting contact with their father
post-separation because of what he had done to the woman. Children were
reported as being angry with the perpetrator because of how he had treated
their mother. A number of mothers explained how their children felt
betrayed and let down by their fathers.
Children described feeling angry at, ashamed of or let down by their
father. In one family the children described how they were embarrassed by
their father because of his violent behaviour. The 9-year-old girl in this
family said that she was angry at him, ashamed of him and disappointed in
him. She concluded by saying:
I don’t like him that much. (Glenda, aged 9)
Her 13-year-old brother said:

I was ashamed that he was my dad … I hated him, at the time I did. … It
was like I couldn’t even trust my own dad. (Aaron, aged 13)
One mother described how her little boy was very angry with his father and
talked a lot about getting his revenge on him when he grows up.
And he just said to me, ‘If I get my weights when I grow up,’ he said, ‘I’m
going to go round and I’m going to beat him’. I said, ‘It’s not the answer,
love, it isn’t, that’s all there is to it’. (Kim)
Some children coped with these feelings of anger toward their father by
confronting him with what he did. Other children went out of their way to
shun their fathers actively, not only refusing to have contact with them, but
also refusing to speak to or acknowledge them in any way. For children who
felt like this toward their father, it was often a relief when he was no longer
living with them.
And when they came back, I’d asked my mum where Dad is and she said,
‘He’s left,’ and I said, ‘Yes!’ So Mum said, ‘Why are you saying yeah?’ And I
said, ‘Because there’ll be no more arguing and I won’t feel so upset and
stuff ’. (Regina, aged 9)
For many children though, their feelings regarding their fathers were not so
clear-cut and they experienced a conflict of emotions in relation to them.
Numerous mothers talked at length about how torn their children felt
between wanting to continue seeing their father but not wanting their
father to continue abusing their mother. The conflict for children appeared
to arise from the fact that they liked or loved their father but detested his
violence. Children were clearly struggling with trying to understand how
someone they loved could behave so horribly. Conflict was also created for
children by the abuser trying to turn them against their mother, or take sides
against her.
An interesting feature of the relationship between the violent man and
the children in the household was that siblings were treated differently by
him. Over and over both mothers and children referred to the man clearly
favouring one child over another. In the majority of cases, this involved
favouring a boy over a girl. In no case was a girl reported as receiving more
favourable treatment than a boy. The children were obviously aware of this
differential treatment and were very hurt by it.
I didn’t like it … it just felt like I wasn’t there at all … I don’t know why but
he wasn’t really interested in anything I done good. Whereas Oliver [my
brother] he would have a lot of interest in and I think it’s probably

because he was a boy. When we weren’t seeing him, I didn’t feel that I
actually missed him a lot, because he didn’t show much appreciation of
anything I did or show that he loved me or that he cared or anything like
that. So I didn’t really actually miss him. (Regina, aged 9)
Children from five families were described as having very close relationships
with their father. These children emphasised that they missed their father. In
one family, although the four children had witnessed their father’s violence,
they continued to deny that he had been violent. Their mother described her
ex-partner as very loving towards the children but unable to set boundaries
for them. She highlighted that the children were very close to their father.
Her daughter described how she felt that her father had always tried to see
the children’s point of view.
Yeah, well sometimes when I’d done something wrong, Mum would
probably have a go at me and Dad would try and say, ‘Look, stop having
a go at her,’ because he’d normally stick up for me I suppose. (Sheena,
aged 12)
Three mothers felt that their children had a better relationship with their
fathers after their mother and father had separated. There appeared to be
two reasons for this; first, the children were no longer witnessing the abuse
of their mother, and second, after separation, their fathers put more effort
into spending time with the children.
It was very difficult for the mother–child relationship when children
tried to cope with their feelings of loss of their father by blaming their
mother either for the violence or splitting the family up. One of the
difficulties frequently discussed by mothers was that following separation
from the violent man, mothers and children faced a traumatic time trying to
cope with their feelings and the impact of the violence. They each had many
emotional needs. In addition they may have had many material needs,
having to learn to survive on the reduced income of a single parent. Mothers
were also in the position of being totally responsible for the care of the
children and that included disciplining them. Fathers, on the other hand,
would see the children periodically and invest energy and money in making
sure that the children had a good time. In some cases mothers did not feel
that the father giving the child treats or presents was a deliberate ploy to win
the child’s affection but were aware of how it influenced the child’s
perceptions of both parents. These mothers referred to the fact that in the
children’s eyes the one who could give them material things, that is, their
father, was the better parent.
More frequently mothers (and sometimes children) referred to the
violent man using money as a way of controlling the children. For example,
one woman described how her ex-partner had never contributed anything
to their son’s upkeep but then would spend several hundred pounds on a
birthday or Christmas present. Another woman said that her ex-partner
used his greater financial resources to try to turn their children against her
and had clearly stated to her that this was his intention. In another family
both the children and their mother described how the father would promise
the children material things and then use it to manipulate their behaviour.
These men were constantly promising and withdrawing treats, making one
child feel guilty for depriving the other siblings of a promised treat because
of an apparent misdemeanour by that particular child.
Karina talked about how she felt that her stepfather had tried to buy the
children with money and presents. At one point she said he bribed her
younger brother with sweets to get him to open the door and let him back
into the house. A 7-year-old girl was very aware of the violent man
providing treats for her immediately after he had been violent to her
mother.
After the fight he used to bring us magazines and some sweets and stuff.
(Shauna, aged 7)
Three of the mothers said that their ex-partners had not been interested in
the children and had not given them any attention. One woman pointed
out:
He didn’t even want me to have them in the first place. (Marina)
She described how, when she had been hospitalised for long periods, her
sister had looked after the children and their father had not visited them. A
further three mothers discussed how their ex-partners were inconsistent
with the children so the children never knew where they stood.
There were particular issues for children who had been sexually abused
by the violent man. A young girl who had been sexually abused by her
stepfather was very angry that he did not go to jail:
but I would have liked them [the police and social services] to have done
something with him. I don’t think it was right that he just stayed at home
while everything happened and that he’s still free basically. (Shirley, aged
16)
In most families where the violent man was not the children’s birth father,
the children had initially accepted their new father figure. However, three
children described how they had not got on with their stepfather from the
beginning, even before the violence started.
But he used to shout at me and I used to walk off. I put it across that I
didn’t like him at all from the first minute I saw him. And he knew that I
didn’t like him so we didn’t really used to talk to each other apart from
when we would argue and I used to tell him to leave Mum alone all the
time. He used to turn around and sometimes push me, that was the only
violence, just push me out of the way. He used to tell me to go away to go
up to my room or something, just so he could get on with beating my
mum up all the time. (Jackie, aged 19)
Effects on children’s relationships with extended family

A small number of children discussed the effect of the domestic violence on
their relationships with extended family. In one family, after the woman
married a new partner who then became violent, he stopped the children
having contact with both their father and their paternal grandmother. The
children missed this contact very much.
Adrian had tried to tell his grandmother about the violence and felt very
let down when she would not believe him.
I told Nanny Susan what he did. That was his mum. And she said, ‘Don’t
be horrible’. (Adrian, aged 7)
Another family were harassed by the paternal grandfather after they had left
the abuser, and were very hurt by this.
Oh God that was really scary because he would like make phone calls and
then we would pick up the phone and then it would just go, breathing and
then it would go dead. Or it would be late at night and we would hear this
banging on the door and we’d go down to open the door and there would
be no one there, really scary and also it was really upsetting because it was
my own grandparents. (Zara, aged 12)
Mona highlighted how important extended family can be in providing a

sense of security.
I got on really well with my family. He didn’t like that at all. I used to
spend most of my time at my nan’s, I used to, every time I could. And I
wouldn’t have a bath in my house, I don’t even know why. ’Cause I just
didn’t feel comfortable, it just didn’t feel like it was my house. I wouldn’t
have a bath in there and I wouldn’t eat in there. I’d eat when I went to
school and I’d have a bath when I went to my nan’s. That’s what I used to
be like and it was never, I’d never class it as home. (Mona, aged 17)
Effect on children’s friendships

Domestic violence can have significant impacts on children’s social
development. Most strikingly, their ability to form and maintain friendships
was curtailed both directly and indirectly by the domestic violence, thereby
increasing children’s isolation. Children were frequently not allowed by the
violent man to have friends come to the house. Other young people said
that even if they were allowed to bring friends home, they would not have
done it anyway in case their friends saw the man being violent.
Yeah, I didn’t feel comfortable people coming round. Because like they
would say, ‘Oh I’ll call for you tonight,’ and I would say, ‘No it’s all right,
I’ll come out and meet you,’ because I mean, I think I would feel really,
really embarrassed. Embarrassment was my main fear if someone came
round and saw someone hit my mum or me. It’s not the sort of usual thing
that happens. (Hannah, aged 15)
Mona said that her friends would not phone or call to the house because
they did not want to have to deal with the man’s violence either.
But my friends won’t come to my house. ‘Mona I won’t knock for you,
we’ll wait down the bottom of the road at about 8 o’clock yeah, so you can
come out.’ Nobody would knock, nobody would phone me because they
didn’t know if it was a good time to phone or a bad time to phone. (Mona,
aged 17)
Some children would have friends round to the house only when they were
sure the violent man would not be there.
Because he wanted to hit me mum even if they were there and I didn’t want
them to see him doing it. (Kara, aged 10)
Young people described feeling too uncomfortable to have friends in the

house when the man was there. One young girl said that her friends would
visit but it meant that she was constantly on edge in case her father was
violent to her mother. Conversely, another girl reported that she would take
a friend home to stay the night as a way of protecting herself from her
father’s violence.
As well as not being allowed to have friends round to their house, young
people talked about how they were also not allowed to go out to meet their
friends. Mona described how not only did she feel she could not bring
friends home, but also her father would manipulate the situation by sending
her on errands, to prevent her meeting her friends outside the house as well.
Children’s and young people’s friendships were further hampered by the
abuser deliberately embarrassing the young person in front of their friends,
as in the following examples.
He used to throw them [my friends] out. Because he had to go to bed he
just told them to go. It made me feel bad and embarrassed, and usually
upset. (Marilyn, aged 15)
So he’d embarrass me, like my friends would knock on the door and he’d
either say, ‘Go away,’ or he’d let them in but he’d do something. He’d
either shout at my mum in front of them or he’d push me about or he’d,
he’d, say things in front of them that wasn’t necessary. And there was no
point in having friends round ’cause … I mean I remember one time at
12.30 my friend Cindy come round, couldn’t believe it. She stayed over
the night and he hit my mum when she was there, he wouldn’t let us out of
the house. All three of us had to sit in the house, couldn’t go nowhere, it
was awful. (Mona, aged 17)
All of the above factors made it very difficult for children to make and
maintain friendships, a crucially important aspect of their development.
Children all need to feel that they belong to their peer group and resent any
difference that may set them apart. By drawing their friends into the abuse
the abuser extends his power outside the home and makes it so much more
difficult for children to fight the stigmatisation of domestic violence. In
addition to the direct effects of the man’s violence on their friendships,
young people also referred to the indirect effects that made it difficult to
establish a social life. One of these more indirect effects highlighted was that
children’s self-esteem suffered because of the violence. They then found it
difficult to form friendships.
I wasn’t very confident in myself and I was really nervous kind of thing
and like my self-esteem wasn’t very high so I would be like ready to put
myself down all the time. So like if people treated me badly or whatever or
they ignored me then I would like take it like it was supposed to happen.
(Fiona, aged 15)
Other young people felt that they were always holding things back (i.e. the
reality of the violence at home) from others so they never got really close.
These effects can continue for some time, as one young person pointed out.
Even some years after they had left the abuser, she feels that she cannot get
too close to people or tell them too much about herself in case any
information gets back to the violent man and he finds them. Another impact
of the violence on children’s social development is that repeated moves to
escape the violence mean that it is very difficult to maintain friendships.
Particular effects were mentioned in relation to teenage girls; these
included alcohol abuse, promiscuity and aggressiveness. Naomi described
her behaviour as a teenager:
I became really resentful then. I became even more aggressive than I
already was. I didn’t want to know anybody. As far as I was concerned
everybody else was a piece of shit. I started hanging around with a bunch
of lads from the village; half of them had been in prison, God knows how
many times now. I must have picked the worst bunch in the entire village.
We’d sit at the bus stop drinking cider or drinking Thunderbird or
drinking sherry or whatever was the cheapest going, and I used to go home
and father used to give me a bollocking. Sometimes he’d give me a wallop.
(Naomi, aged 24)
In addition, in several families, although the teenage girls wanted to be

involved in heterosexual relationships, the fear of male violence prevented
these young women from continuing their relationships. As the
relationships became more serious, the young women clearly felt that the
only way to protect themselves was to withdraw, either by ending the
relationship or distancing themselves emotionally. Unfortunately, this study
does not include a similar group of young men so that issues regarding
young men’s heterosexual relationships following domestic violence could
not be explored. This is an area that clearly needs to be addressed by further
research involving young people. Kelly (1994) and Hester et al. (1999) have
identified the need to look at the impact of gender in responses to domestic
violence without resorting to assumptions regarding stereotypical
behaviour patterns. With regard to young people’s relationships following
domestic violence, any research must be set within the current social
construction of young people’s relationships and domestic violence
recognised as one factor but not the only influencing factor.
Summary
It is very important to recognise that children are affected by all forms of
domestic violence, not just physical violence. Fear was the most commonly
reported impact of the domestic violence and this fear had both short-term
and long-term effects. This fear does not automatically disappear once the
children are no longer living with the violent man: the fear of being found
by him and of further violence persists for some time.
Children were also ‘upset’ by the violence and were at times depressed to
the point of considering suicide. Children as young as 7 were reported as
being suicidal. Anger was another effect of living with violence and this
anger was often displayed as aggressive behaviour, particularly to other
children. Not surprisingly, children felt very powerless in the face of the
man’s violence and from their accounts it is apparent that these feelings of
powerlessness and hopelessness increased their distress.
Children reported that the domestic violence made them feel ashamed
and stigmatised with consequent effects on their self-esteem and identity.
Living with violence also had impacts on their health and education such
that children suffered a number of stress-related health problems, for
example asthma. The effect on children’s education was most noticeable in
terms of school refusal, lack of concentration and aggression in school.
School can be stressful for children who experience domestic violence but it
can also be used as a place of refuge.
Children’s relationships within and outside the family were clearly
affected by domestic violence. Children could, at times, copy the abuser’s
behaviour to their mother and this strained their relationship with her.
Overall, though, most children in the study felt that they had become closer
to their mother because of everything they had been through together.
Although it is very difficult to talk about the violence, the key to a good
relationship between children and their mothers seemed to be a
commitment to communicating about the domestic violence.
Domestic violence, in the main, had a negative impact on children’s
relationship with their abusive fathers. Children said that they were
frightened of him, angry with him and felt betrayed by, embarrassed by and
ashamed of their father. It was not unusual for siblings to be treated very
differently by the abusive man, particularly in terms of his own children
being treated differently from the woman’s children or boys receiving better
treatment than girls. The long-term effect of this on the children’s
relationships is an area that would benefit from further research.
Children’s relationships with extended family were affected by the strain
of having to keep the secret of the violence or not being allowed to have
much contact with extended family. Friendships were also difficult to

maintain because of the domestic violence. Children reported four main
effects on their ability to make and maintain friendships: being too
uncomfortable to bring friends home; not being allowed out; their father
deliberately embarrassing them in front of their friends; constant moves to
escape the violence making it difficult to maintain friendships. The study
picked up that there were particular effects on teenage girls, particularly in
terms of forming relationships with boys. As the study does not include a
similar group of teenage boys, it is not possible to provide a comprehensive
picture of the effects of domestic violence on young people’s socialisation
and relationships. This is also an area that should be explored fully by
future research.
CHAPTER FIVE
How Children Understand and Cope

with Domestic Violence
Children’s awareness and memories of the violence

Repeatedly in interviews mothers talked about how, when they were living
with the perpetrator, they had been unaware that the children had witnessed
their father’s physical violence. For many mothers it was only when they had
left that they realised the full extent of their children’s awareness of the
domestic violence. For some mothers this realisation came when their
children actually spoke to them about their memories of the violence.
She said, ‘I could hear you Mum, I could hear you crying, I could hear you
screaming. I actually went once or twice into the hallway and saw him
beating you on the stairs.’ Because we’d open plan staircase and I didn’t
even know she’d seen it. She even told my ex-husband. She said, ‘I saw
what you did to my mum’. (Denise)
Other women discussed how, having left the perpetrator, they no longer
needed to deny the violence either to themselves or others and how they
were now very aware of incidents which indicated that their children had
known what was happening.
I thought maybe they were safe from it all, but like I said it’s not until you
leave that you realise that they were actually experiencing it as well. I just
used to think, oh I’ll keep quiet, they won’t know. They knew because
they used to walk along to the school and I used to put my head down and
Padraig used to go, ‘Mum where did you get your black eye from?’, and I
used to [say] ‘Oh I was rubbing it too much, I had something in my eye’,
and he used to go, ‘Oh all right’. Just the look on his face! He wouldn’t say
anything else, but he’d be ashamed for me, I could see on his little face.
Like, as I was going into his school, I’d put my head down and put my hair
over it. And I could see him, he’d go, ‘Leave me here Mum, I’m all right
today. You go off, I’ll go into class by myself ’. And I used to walk off and
95
think to myself, he’s 5 years old and he knows, and I used to just walk off
and keep my head down. And then he would be the first one out of class,
rather than the last one strolling out with his books, he’d be the first one,
‘Come Mum, come then,’ and we’d jump in the car. … Ah bless him. Like I
said you don’t realise until you actually leave, and them little things hit
you. (Deirdre)
In the interviews, mothers expressed particular surprise at the level of

awareness that very young children had regarding the violence and how the
memories had remained.
She was only one when we left. What I didn’t realise was she understood a
lot more than I knew. We were sat here one night and right out of the blue
she said to me, ‘My dad used to make you cry. My dad used to hurt you’.
And I said, ‘Well how do you know?’ ‘I saw him.’ And that was at 3 years
old and she’s 4 now, it’s a long time ago since she said it. But she must have
known, she must remember. (Jacinta)
Hester and Pearson (1998) provided instances of children recounting

episodes of abuse that had occurred when they were as young as 2 or 3.
Having managed to leave the violent relationship, mothers frequently
became aware of how witnessing the domestic violence had actually
affected the child. While living with the violence, a number of mothers had
believed that the children were too young to be aware of what was
happening, or if they were aware, that the painful memories would fade as
they got older without leaving any negative impacts.
Me hoping that they would forget about it, but they didn’t. Kids have got
long memories I’m afraid! (Dawn)
Another way that mothers tried to protect the children was to deny or
minimise the violence, for example telling children that their father was
only play fighting or that they were hurt accidentally. Children were clearly
not fooled by these excuses.
Mothers talking to children about the domestic violence

The majority of mothers said that while it was happening, they had not
initiated discussions with the children about the violence. Usually, they felt
that the children were not old enough to understand and they did not want
to upset them.
HOW CHILDREN UNDERSTAND AND COPE WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE / 97
But I don’t really want to talk about it because I don’t want them to
remember it, to be honest. I mean as they’re older if they can remember
things, fine, I’ll be happy to sit down and talk to them about it. But now I
don’t want to dredge it all up for them. Because I think I just want them to
get on with their life and enjoy it, you know. They’re too little to be
worrying about things like that really. (Marina)
Mothers often reported that they would explain to their children when they
felt they were old enough to understand, and this had in fact been the case in
many families. Mothers had not talked to the children about it when it was
happening but at the time of the interviews most said that they now talked
very openly about the violence.
Mothers generally were clear that they would always answer the
children’s questions about the domestic violence as far as they could.
We started talking about things and she asked me certain things; if she
asked me did [my ex-partner] do this or that I would tell her. But if I
think some things are too bad to tell her I don’t tell her. I might say he
might have done, I can’t remember and she never pushes it; if I’m being
evasive she never pushes it. But if she asks a question I answer her.
(Bernice)
It is a sad irony that so many women stayed in the relationship believing it to

be the best thing for the children, yet when they did manage to leave they
discovered not only that the children were aware all along but also that they
were experiencing negative effects.
I tried to keep a lot of it to myself. I didn’t want to, I don’t know, burden
them with things that was worrying me or whatever, I tried to keep their
life as happy as I could. Which all came out after I did actually leave. (Rita)
Mothers who had talked to the children about the domestic violence usually
said they did so for two main reasons. First, they wanted the children to
realise that domestic violence is unacceptable, and second, they felt that the
psychological impact on the children would be lessened by discussing it.
Other mothers found that the children started asking questions about what
was happening so they began talking about it in that way. One mother
described how she tried to ‘cover up’ the domestic violence at first but that
her daughter would not accept her excuses. However, she found that her son
was not able to discuss the violence and her daughter could not talk about
the more extreme incidents of violence.
Knowing what to say, how much to say, how to say it and when to say it
were prominent concerns for mothers who have experienced domestic
violence. One woman said that she had always been open about the
domestic violence with her 7-year-old daughter but worried that it was too
much for her to cope with. Mothers feared that their children would be
overwhelmed if they knew the truth about the domestic violence and on the
other hand felt the children deserved to know, or at the very least not be lied
to. They were also mindful that the violent man was the child’s father (or
father figure) and that the child had a different relationship to him from the
woman. Women did not want to add to the children’s trauma by saying
‘nasty’ things about their father (even when they were the facts). Thus,
women commonly felt that they did not know what to do for the best.
I don’t know if it’s right to say nothing to her, whether I should, say,
discuss things and get her to see it in a more … get her to see it for what it
was. Whether she’s too young to be doing that with her, I don’t know. …
I’d like to know how it would affect her and to know what I can do. I don’t
even know how to talk to her about it, because I don’t know whether
talking to her would be the right or the wrong thing to do, because I don’t
want to lead her in to anything. Thinking about things she hadn’t thought
about maybe and going too far. (Danielle)
In their interviews children referred to their confusion about the violence,

especially when they were younger, and their inability to understand why it
was happening.
I didn’t quite understand it when I was so young, because … I just got used
to it, when he used to hit me and my little brother and then my mum. I just
got used to it. (Marilyn, aged 15)
Young children particularly seemed to search for the cause of their father’s
violence, often examining their own or their mother’s behaviour in an
attempt to find a ‘trigger’ for the violence. Older children were clearer that
their father’s behaviour was not rational or predictable.
Rosita used her brother as an example to explain how younger children
do not understand domestic violence.
Question: So Ryan didn’t know, he didn’t understand what was happening?
Answer: No he just thought, ‘Oh they are just having a little fight,’ because
we fight, we fight and that …
Question: You and Ryan?
Answer: Yeah. And he thinks it’s just a thing like that, and it isn’t. It’s like
because Ryan can say, ‘No we’ve finished it now. I don’t wanna …’ and I just
say, ‘Fair enough,’ and we make up. But that isn’t like it and Mummy can’t say,
‘Oh I’ve finished now, it’s OK. Do you wanna make up?’ It’s not like that, and
well, what I know about what’s happened is, he was very violent and he was
horrible, and I really hated him and I couldn’t wait until we moved, when it
was happening. (Rosita, aged 8)
Not knowing whether to talk to the children about the domestic violence
was, as we have seen, also linked to the hope that children were either
unaware of or unaffected by the violence. However, most children were very
aware of the violence and it does not follow that they should not be allowed
to talk about it. Domestic violence had been their actual experience: talking
about it did not create the trauma, experiencing their father’s violence did
that. Talking about their experiences, or at least knowing that they could
talk about them, was very important for children. They may not have wanted
to discuss what happened in detail, but acknowledging that it happened was
important. A minority of mothers interviewed said that they had tried to talk
to the children about it but the children had made it clear that they did not
want to talk. These mothers felt that children did not want to talk about it
because it raised painful emotions or because they felt that they were
protecting their mother by not discussing it.
It is important that any discussions of the violence are led by the child’s
pace and needs, and that children feel that they can broach the subject when
it is the right time for them. Acknowledging that the violence happened and
that the child can talk to his or her mother is the crucial first step.
Children’s awareness of the atmosphere in the home

Children and mothers from fourteen families felt that the children were
aware of the atmosphere that the violence created in the home. The word
‘tense’ was used over and over again to describe what things were like within
the house or, as one young girl said, ‘stressing’. Mothers felt that even very
small babies were aware of the atmosphere and would be fractious or hard to
settle.
There was always an atmosphere, you know, you could cut it with a knife
sometimes. Even as babies they can sense, sense it. ’Cause I always thought
it was colic to be honest and I’m giving them Infacol and took ’em to the
doctor’s and the doctor’s saying, ‘No, there’s nothing wrong with them.’
And I thought, ‘Well why the hell do they scream then, you know?’ And
they just used to scream as if they were in pain. (Marina)
Mothers and children both referred to the constant anticipation, always

waiting for the next abusive episode. Women and children spent
considerable time and energy in trying to second-guess what the man’s
mood would be like so they could try to make things better.
It was like everyone had to do everything he says, otherwise he goes mad.
(Aaron, aged 13)
Frequently, mothers and young people referred to being able to ‘cut the
atmosphere with a knife’, constantly scared of doing something ‘wrong’
which could be used as an excuse to trigger an assault.
Well, it was quite bad. Always worrying … when he was in bed you had to
be silent and we used to always stay out in the back garden just in case we
made a noise. We used to be scared in case we did. So the atmosphere used
to be really horrible. (Marilyn, aged 15)
Two mothers spoke about how obviously relieved their children were to
escape the tense atmosphere when they managed to leave the violent
relationship. Sheila painted a very vivid picture of her children’s reactions
when she told them that their father would not be coming back.
Oliver asked me where his dad was, and I said he wasn’t here. And he said,
‘Is he coming back?’ and I said no, and he jumped up and down and ran,
ran jumping up and down going, ‘Yes! Yes!’ And then Regina, when she’d
come home in the evening had said, first words were, ‘Did you have a nice
time while Daddy was out?’ because that was the only time we’d have a
nice time and I said, ‘Yes, and Daddy’s not actually coming back’. And she
was in here and she ran up and down going, ‘Yes! Yes! My atmosphere’s
going to be so different’. (Sheila)
Other mothers described how children’s behavioural problems such as

chronic nail biting or bedwetting stopped immediately when they were no
longer living with the violent man.
Children’s coping strategies

Children described using both physical and psychological strategies to
enable them to cope with the violence. The two main types of physical
strategies that they used were physically intervening to try to stop the
violence and developing safety strategies to protect themselves, their
siblings and their mother.
Mothers and children discussed a number of ways in which children had

intervened to try to protect their mother. Children tried to intervene both in
crisis situations and in proactive ways to try to stop the violence on a more
long-term basis.
Children’s crisis interventions

Children would scream at the man to stop hitting their mother. They would
hit him and try to pull him away.
I got in the way and pushed my dad. My dad just walked out then.
(Seamus, aged 10)
I tried to stop him and he pushed me away. (Paul, aged 6)
One mother described how her young daughter bit, scratched and jumped
on her father in an attempt to stop him assaulting her mother. Another
young girl would go and pack as soon as she heard her father shouting.
She would hear John start and she would go and pack our bags ready to
go. Once he’d threatened to burn the house down and I’d calmed him
down and talked to him downstairs and when I’d gone up[stairs], she was
only young then, and she’d packed all her toys and what she could. And
all her little bags were all full up in the bedroom, she was crying. It was
heartbreaking. (Tamsin)
Two young girls interviewed had tried to stop their fathers raping their
mothers. One would physically try to pull the man off while he was raping
her mother. The other young girl, who was then aged 4 or 5, walked into the
bedroom while her father was raping her mother. She shouted at him to stop
and then climbed into the bed, trying to protect her mother with her own
physical presence. Hester and Radford (1996) also pointed out that children
try to protect their mothers by their physical presence.
Knowledge of their own powerlessness in this situation can lead children
to contemplate desperate measures. For example, a teenage girl wanted to
buy rat poison and poison her mother’s partner. Another teenage girl
described how she went looking for the man after a vicious attack on her
mother.
[He] threatened to kill us all. And he said to me mum, when he left, he said,
‘You better lock all your doors and windows because I will be back to get
you’. Then after that I went out into the street, trying to find him because I
was so angry, I just flipped because I couldn’t handle him being like that to
my mum again. Just had enough for years of him being violent towards
her. (Jackie, aged 19)
Sabrina would try to protect her mother by claiming responsibility for

things that went wrong. A young boy said he would come downstairs in the
night, pretending he needed the toilet. He hoped his appearance would
stop the violence.
As well as trying to help their mother themselves, children would try to
get outside help, most commonly running to neighbours or calling an
ambulance or the police.
The first time I tried to phone them [the police], he pressed the thingy
button to the cut line off and then the second time I tried, he took the
receiver off me and put it down so I couldn’t phone them. (Kara, aged 10)
In three families children had climbed out of a bedroom window and ran
until they found a phone that they could use to call the police.
Another way that children try to cope with domestic violence is to
become very protective of and concerned for their mother’s welfare, at times
assuming a parenting role. A woman who developed an eating disorder
described how the children would try to persuade her to eat. A teenage girl
described how she would focus on her mother during the violence, trying
to stay calm so she could look after her mother.
Because she [my mother] was sort of like too fragile kind of thing. So I had
to look after her. (Fiona, aged 15)
In addition, children would try to comfort their mother after an attack. One
woman suffered many blows to the head and her daughter would
frequently try to keep her conscious until the ambulance would arrive. She
would talk to her and wipe her face with cold flannels. The little girl was no
more than 9 years old at the time.
Older children talked about trying to protect younger siblings from
knowledge of the violence. They did this by not talking about it in front of
the younger child, turning music or the television up to cover sounds,
taking the child out of the room and trying to reassure them or convince
them that everything was all right.
He was shouting. I knew that he was hurting my mum and I knew that my
mum was going to stick up for herself and that, and that she would win,
and I was going on the couch, ‘Mummy’s gonna win, Mummy’s gonna
win’. And I was in tears, and Paul was like, ‘What’s the matter? and I would
go, ‘Nothing, it’s OK. It’s OK, yeah my eyes were just watering. What do
you want to play?’, because I didn’t want him to know I was crying.
(Rosita, aged 8)
Children’s long-term strategies

In addition to trying to intervene in the crisis of an attack on their mother,
children developed strategies to try to deal with the violence in a more
long-term way. One woman told her mother that her injuries were
accidental. Her daughter waited until she was alone with her grandparents
and then told them the truth.
She actually told her Grandma when we took the children and left them
and came away and she told her Grandma that Daddy hit her Mummy and
it weren’t an accident and then they like intervened. (Trudy)
A teenage girl described how she went to bed with her clothes on and drank
lots of coffee to stay alert so that she could quickly get help or escape.
And then I’d drink loads and loads of coffee, keep my clothes on so I
didn’t have to rush to get, didn’t have to get ready in the night or go …
’cause I ran out of the gate in my nightie once and that was embarrassing
and I thought, ‘If I stay in my clothes, then I’ll be all right’. (Mona, aged
17)
Naomi recalled how her younger brother had kept an air rifle under his bed
in case he felt he needed to use it to protect their mother.
He [my brother] had his air rifle, and he would be trembling that much I
wouldn’t have been surprised if one day he actually finally shot him, you
know what I mean. Good job it wasn’t anything more than an air rifle.
(Naomi, aged 24)
Children’s safety strategies

Children devise a number of physical strategies in an attempt to stay safe on
a daily basis. Most commonly, children and young people would try to stay
out of the violent man’s way, particularly if they felt the atmosphere was
tense. Children spent a lot of time in their bedrooms or if they were older
they would become involved in activities outside the home or visit friends a
lot.
It was just bad, I just used to go out on purpose just to get away from him.
Just to go round friends on purpose and me and my boyfriend would go out
for walks and listen to my music really loud so I wouldn’t listen to the
arguing all the time and the fighting. And then just, that was it really, a
really bad atmosphere … used to stay round their houses a lot and their
mums, their parents used to be quite comforting and I used to talk to their
parents all the time. (Jackie, aged 19)
This was obviously easier for young people than small children who were
unable to leave the house by themselves. However, small children would try
to leave the room or hide.
As was mentioned earlier, school was frequently used as an escape from
the violence. In addition, children and teenagers had, at times, moved out of
the home either to friends, extended family or bedsits to escape the
violence. A number of children considered running away from home and in
some cases they did attempt to run away. One mother recounted how her
daughter would always say to her that they had to leave and how in the end,
it was her daughter’s determination that meant they left for good. Her
daughter said in the interview:
We had to get away but we were scared ’cause when we left, we was up the
road, and Mummy said, ‘Come on we’ll leave tomorrow’. But I said, ‘No,
let’s carry on because if we leave tomorrow he’ll know won’t he? And then
he’ll lock all the doors and then we won’t be able to go, that’s why.’
(Sabrina, aged 10)
Another strategy, used particularly by younger children, was to ally

themselves with their fathers to protect themselves. Although they were
‘clingy’ with their mother when alone with her, they would physically
avoid her when their father was around. Children also tried to avert the
violence by trying to control their behaviour so as not to provoke an assault
on their mother. This meant that they were always trying to be good, doing
exactly what they were told, never being cheeky or ‘answering back’ and,
particularly for small children, keeping very quiet.
Children also thought of ways of behaving which they hoped would
protect their mother, not just themselves. For example one little boy would
try to persuade his mother to be submissive in an attempt to avert his father’s
violence. He also suggested that he go to live with his father in an attempt to
stop him harassing his mother during contact arrangements.
Naomi described how she and her siblings had planned with their
mother to help her leave.
We decided amongst ourselves, I was 18 at the time, Julie 17, and the boys
16. And we said to her, ‘Right, Tuesday morning, you cash your benefits
first. Don’t go and buy food, don’t do this and that. We’ll manage for the
week. Just take the money, buy a train ticket, go up to your folks, and don’t
come back.’ Because she tried women’s refuges and stuff and he’d always
find them and kick the door in, so that was just it, just wasn’t working.
(Naomi, aged 24)
Children’s psychological coping

Children found a number of ways to cope psychologically with the violence
to their mother. The main ways that children described were expressing their
feelings about the violence in a way that felt safe, denying the reality of what
was happening and conversely, needing to be aware of exactly what was
happening in terms of the violence. When describing their distress, children
often referred to how they had learned to cope with the feelings generated
by the violence. Frequently that coping involved trying to deny what was
happening.
Yeah, sometimes when I’m feeling a bit down and I think about it, it does
make me cry, but otherwise it just doesn’t because I just kind of try to
blank it out really. (Zara, aged 12)
Try and get over it as much as you can, and just try to stop thinking about
it. (Ray, aged 10)
I tried to block it out, like I put the [bed] covers over my head, but even
then I kept hearing it. There was nothing I could do about it but I felt
unhappy for my mum ’cause don’t know, just didn’t like her being
unhappy and being beaten up. (Karina, aged 16)
Others tried to find some distraction.

Half the time I was happy like reading a book, the other time I was really
down. (Marshal, aged 8)
Sheena described how she tried to cope by keeping her feelings bottled up.
I was maybe upset inside, I don’t know. But I never showed it if I was.
(Sheena, aged 12)
Unfortunately her distress showed in episodes of self-harm and the

development of an eating disorder.
Expressing their thoughts and feelings about the domestic violence was
also an important way that children learned to cope with it. Children said
that they talked to siblings or friends about what was happening and, as
Fiona said, she used every opportunity she could to say how she felt about
her father.
If I had a chance, if anybody like said something about my dad or
whatever, and I had a chance to say something nasty about him, I’d say it
and it made me feel better. (Fiona, aged 15)
However, it is not just other people that children talk to. Toys and pets
provided comfort also, as this girl described:
Yeah, but sometimes I talk to me teddies.
Question: Does that help?
Answer: Yeah, because they keep secrets because they can’t talk. (Kara, aged
10)
A boy turned to his dog for comfort.
But at least I had one person who cuddled me and that was my big dog that
I used to love … I’d say something [to my dog] like thank goodness that
we’ve got someone who is going to care for me and not fight all the time.
(Ray, aged 10)
Thus, toys and pets can play an important role in helping children cope with
domestic violence, yet many children have to leave them behind when they
flee the violence.
The ways that children learn to cope with domestic violence can become
an established pattern of behaviour or way of viewing the world, which
may be seen by others to be ‘maladaptive’, for example, children
deliberately getting a detention to avoid going home in the evening.
However, these behaviours have a perceived or actual role in protecting the
child and as such they will not be surrendered until the child feels secure.
When working with children who have experienced domestic violence, it is
important to explore with them what certain behaviours or views mean to
them. The fears underlying children’s patterns of coping not only are based
in their actual past experiences, but also reflect the reality that leaving the
abuser does not necessarily mean that the threatened or actual violence is
left behind.
For example, a young woman described how she lived in a constant state
of readiness to flee from the violent man, even some years after they had
escaped from him.
I’ve got a certain section of stuff that I know if I have to move quickly,
that’s what I’ll take. I used to basically live in a bag. I used to leave
everything that I need at my nan’s house and, like, that was stuff that I like,
really, really liked. And live from a bag basically. Just the stuff I needed for
school and that was it. Nothing … I made sure nothing mattered to me so
if he came in here and he decided he wanted to smash that, he could smash
it, because it didn’t matter any more. So then therefore nothing was
valuable. (Mona, aged 17)
She was not being paranoid. Her father had already found her mother and at
the time of the interviews this young woman had her own baby to protect.
A number of children discussed at length their need to know what was
happening to their mother during an assault:
Just tell me things and not shut the door so that I don’t know [what’s
happening]. He could have stuck a knife in her for all I know, with the
door shut. And the worst thing for me was actually not knowing what was
going to happen next, not knowing what was happening then and not
knowing what was going to happen next. That was the most frightening
thing for me. (Regina, aged 9)
For these children the fear of the unknown seemed worse than actually
seeing the injuries to their mother. What the children appeared to be
highlighting was how they were being further traumatised by their absolute
loss of control over the situation. They did not know what was happening to
their mother, they did not know how to stop it, they did not know what to
do, and they did not know how far the man would go. It was not
unreasonable for the children to fear that their mother might be killed.
Teaching children safety planning may mean that they feel they have more
control in the situation or at least enable them to protect themselves.
The idea of safety planning with children experiencing domestic
violence is a somewhat contentious one. Safety planning involves telling
children how to protect themselves and possibly how to get help when their
mother is being hurt. Opponents feel that it puts too much responsibility on
the child to stop the violence or call help. This is especially so if the situation
worsens due to something the child has done in trying to help. From what
the children in this study said, it seems that there is a need for safety
planning. We know that loss of control contributes to feelings of trauma and
children clearly said that not knowing what was happening or what to do,
that is, not having any control, made them feel more distressed. Children
who are taught safety skills relating to domestic violence may or may not be
able to act on them, their actions may improve or worsen the situation or
have no effect. However, by providing them with the resources to try to
make some decisions in violent situations, their loss of control will not be as
great. We cannot assume that guilt engendered by acting in a way which
inadvertently increases the negative consequences of a violent attack on
their mother is any worse than the guilt children feel hearing their mother
being beaten time after time, and not being able to do anything at all. The
most central aspect of safety planning is the message to children first and
foremost that they must protect themselves. In this way children’s sense of
responsibility for the outcome of the violence may be lessened as they are
given ‘permission’ to protect themselves.
Children’s powerlessness
Children seemed very aware of their lack of power in situations of violence
and spoke about their need to believe they had some form of control over
what was happening to their mother and themselves. As we have seen, given
their resources, children tried to cope in a variety of ways and as previously
discussed, there were a number of interviews where references were made to
children trying to protect women by their physical presence. In some cases
it did actually inhibit the man’s violence at that point. Children also referred
to things they would have liked to do but were too frightened, for example
phone for help. One child said:
Once when he was drinking sort of thing I was going to throw his drink
away ’cause he was being nasty to Mummy but I was too scared to do it.
(Sabrina, aged 10)
Children described their frustration at not knowing how or when to seek

help.
They were fighting and I didn’t know what to do and my little brother was
by the phone and he kept on saying that he was going to phone 999 and
things. And I said, ‘Don’t ’cause we might get into trouble’. And then he
started crying and I had to calm him down and he kept on going upstairs
and our dad kept on telling us to go downstairs and we didn’t know what
to do, so I just ended up crying with him. It was horrible. (Regina, aged 9)
Children often feel that they are in a no-win situation. They are scared of
what will happen if they do not get help for their mother and they are scared
of what will happen if they do try to get help.
One young boy had, out of the blue, apologised to his mother for not
protecting her from the violence. He was 9 when he spoke to his mother
about the violence but 5 or 6 when it was happening. He is a poignant
reminder of how responsible (and guilty) children can feel with regard to
protecting their mother.
About a fortnight ago he got in bed early with me one morning, and he
woke me up. And all of a sudden he said, ‘Mummy, I am really sorry I
didn’t stand up for you when Daddy used to hit you but I was only little
and I was afraid’. And I said, ‘Oh that’s all right, I didn’t expect you to’.
And he said, ‘If he did it now I would smack the bastard one’. (Alma)
Some children said that they just wanted to forget about the domestic
violence. Interestingly all these children were open in their discussions
about their experiences. Perhaps what is important is that children can
choose whether to think about what happened as opposed to being
disturbed by unwelcome reminders such as nightmares or flashbacks.
Children were often very much focused on looking forward rather than
dwelling on the trauma of the violence. For example, when one young boy
was asked what advice he would give to other children in this situation he
said:
To just forget about the bad stuff and just forget about the past and just
think of the future really, best thing to do. (Francis, aged 8)
Summary
Children, even very small children, appeared very aware of the domestic
violence. In their interviews a number of mothers expressed their shock at
how aware their small children had been of the violence and how accurately
they had retained those memories. At the time mothers often believed that
they were protecting the children from the violence and were unaware that
the children frequently witnessed assaults. Once they had left the violent
man, mothers could clearly see the effects on their children. Talking to the
children about the violence was obviously very difficult for mothers. They
did not want to upset their children and they had many worries about what
to say and how to say it. Most mothers talked to the children about the
violence once they had left and this was particularly so in response to the
children’s questions. From the children’s point of view, it was very important
for them to be able to discuss the violence in order to make sense of what
happened and how they felt about it.
On witnessing the assaults on their mothers children felt sad, confused,
angry, fearful and guilty for not protecting their mothers. Regardless of age,
children were very aware of the tense atmosphere in the home and lived in
constant anticipation of trouble. Children learned to cope with the violence
using both physical and psychological strategies. The main physical
strategies they used were physically intervening in both the short and the
long term to try to stop the violence and developing safety strategies such as
trying to stay out of the man’s way. The psychological strategies that they
used included talking about their feelings, denial, and needing to know
details of the violence. In learning to cope with the violence, children may
display behaviour which might be seen to be problematic; however, this
behaviour may represent a strategy developed by the child in order to cope
with the father’s violence.
Children felt very powerless in the face of their fathers’ violence and
they frequently thought of things that they wanted to do to protect their
mothers but were too frightened to be able to act. Safety planning with
children may serve to decrease their feelings of powerlessness and
subsequent trauma.
PART FOUR
Agency Responses
to Domestic Violence
Agencies
Women and children will have contact with a number of agencies while
they are experiencing domestic violence and particularly as they seek help.
As the following chapters outline, help-seeking is a process and women
generally will have to approach a number of agencies, often many times,
before they get the support they need. Homer, Leonard and Taylor’s (1984)
study of eighty women attempting to leave violent partners found that over
half contacted between six and eight agencies and 13 per cent had
contacted between nine and eleven agencies. Hanmer and Saunders (1993)
reported that on average women contacted eleven agencies before getting
appropriate help. They also found that black women may experience more
difficulty in accessing help than other women, with black women in the
study reporting an average of seventeen agency contacts before receiving
support. Bowstead, Lall and Rashid (1995), Imam (1994) and Mama
(1996) have all highlighted the difficulties faced by black and Asian women
and children in seeking help for domestic violence. As the sample in the
present study is predominantly white, it must be acknowledged that the
experiences outlined in the following chapters are mainly a reflection of the
agency responses received by white women and children. The kinds of
agencies involved are summarised in Figure 6.1
Figure 6.1 Agencies involved
112
CHAPTER SIX
Social Services’ Responses

to Domestic Violence
Introduction
Social workers have a statutory duty for the protection of children, and in
terms of domestic violence there has traditionally been a split between
provision for women (usually refuge based) and social work services for
children. In 1995 Child Protection: Messages from Research (Department of
Health (DoH) and Dartington Social Research Unit 1995) was published.
This represented the result of a programme of research commissioned by the
DoH into child protection. Not surprisingly, a number of these studies found
domestic violence to be a factor in child protection work (Brandon and
Lewis 1996; Farmer and Owen 1995; Gibbons, Conroy and Bell 1995).
This accumulated research emphasised the need to move away from an
investigative social work practice base to one that emphasised family
support. ‘The stress upon child protection investigations and not enquiries
and the failure to follow through interventions with much needed family
support prevented professionals from meeting the needs of children and
families’ (DoH and Dartington Social Research Unit 1995, p.55). Since the
mid-1990s there have been some moves to partnership working between
statutory agencies and voluntary groups and a growing recognition that
‘woman protection is frequently the most effective form of child protection’
(Kelly 1994, p.53). Hester et al. (1999) and Mullender (1996) offer detailed
suggestions and examples of good social work practice in relation to
domestic violence.
Findings
Thirty families had contact with social services. Of these, ten were happy
with the response they received, fourteen felt that they had received a
negative response and for six families the response had been mixed.
113
In thirteen cases it was the woman herself who had initiated the contact.
In four instances the violent man contacted social services and in thirteen
cases the contact was made by somebody else, usually a professional such as
police, health visitors, refuge staff and medical personnel. Two women
reported that extended family contacted social services and a further two
said that the contact was made by their neighbours. There were six
malicious allegations out of these calls and these included the two calls from
neighbours.
Reasons why contact was made with social services were as follows:
• Concerns regarding the safety of the woman and children were
the reason in twelve cases. Two of these cases involved the
violent man snatching the children and in the rest of the cases the
threat of the man’s violence was identified as the concern.
• Ten women contacted social services because they needed
support, usually in coping with the impacts of domestic violence
on the children or themselves. Two women requested respite care
for the children: one of these women had a disability and the
other was physically unwell in addition to coping with the impact
of domestic violence.
• Children’s disclosure regarding child sexual abuse prompted
contact with social services in four families.
Violent men involving social services as part of the abuse

When the women’s ex-partners contacted social services it appeared to
represent an attempt to continue to control and further intimidate the
women once they had separated. In one case the woman’s ex-partner
phoned social services and said that she was physically abusing the
children. A social worker then phoned the woman, who explained about
the domestic violence and the social services did not visit or take it any
further.
Similarly, another man made allegations to social services about the
woman’s care of the children. Social services carried out some checks and
the woman said,
They decided that I am the ideal mother now. (Camilla)
One man, who was himself using drugs, went to social services after the
woman and children left, saying (falsely) that the woman was taking drugs
and working as a prostitute to buy drugs. In another family, the man
SOCIAL SERVICES’ RESPONSES TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE / 115
snatched the children after the woman had left. She was unable to get any
help from social services. After the children were returned to her, a social
worker began to visit. Some months later, the social worker told the woman
that the reason she had been visiting was because the children’s father had
alleged that the woman was abusing the children and they were checking it
out.
Involvement with social services was also identified as leading to an
escalation in the man’s violence as he saw his total control over the woman
being eroded by the support she received from the social worker. Jem
described how difficult it was for her, because she really needed her social
worker’s support but had to ‘pay’ for it in terms of more frequent assaults.
I was getting beaten practically every day because I had someone giving
me attention, which was the social worker. She’d come and she’d take me
out to places, show me places that I’d never even seen before that are just
down the road basically. And just for me to spend time away from my
husband and to have some time to myself and it [the violence] just got
worse. (Jem)
Fear of children being removed

Over and over again women referred to how they had been frightened that if
social services came to know about the domestic violence, they would
remove the children. We shall see later how this fear acted as a barrier to
women seeking help. In addition, some violent men deliberately
manipulated this fear in order to control the women further, especially to
ensure that they did not tell anyone about the domestic violence or try to
leave the relationship. Danielle explained how her partner would spend
hours convincing her that the only thing stopping professionals removing
the children was the fact that she was with him.
I don’t know why I believed him, I don’t know why. Just, maybe it was just
drummed into me for so long that I was a bad mother, I believed what he
said, because I thought they [professionals] must be saying this. And he’d
get me cowering in the corner, he’d have me like two or three hours and
sometimes have it nights in a row you know. And he’d wait ’til he’d really
broken me down and I’m just like sitting in the corner with my hands over
my face and he’d say, ‘Oh but I’m here, I won’t let them do it. You’ve got
me, there’s nobody else but you’ve got me. Don’t forget that.’ (Danielle)
Judith described how her partner used this threat against her from the time
her son was born:
I came home with Francis when he was a few days old. He was born on the
Tuesday and we were home on the Friday. I’d been indoors half an hour,
there was a row, I can’t remember what about, but he [my partner]
threatened to call social services to say I was an unfit mother. In fact picked
up the phone and pretended to dial the number, pretended he was speaking
to somebody and was saying I was an unfit mother. And I had been home
half an hour, I had been a mum less than a week. (Judith)
Positive social services response

Ten children and adults interviewed said that they had received a positive
response from social services. This was because they felt they were taken
seriously and appropriate action taken or support given. Women referred to
how the support of their social worker enabled them to leave the violent
relationship and reinforced their belief that separating from the violent man
was the best thing not only for themselves, but for their children as well. An
ongoing supportive relationship with a social worker was an important
factor in deterring women from returning to the violent man after they had
left. Women referred to being able to talk to their social worker when they
were feeling depressed or finding it difficult to cope and thinking of going
back. Having someone to talk to and encourage them meant that they found
the strength to continue building a new life for themselves and the children.
A supportive social work response was also seen by mothers as offering
more protection for their children because there was someone else
concerned with the children’s best interests apart from themselves.
Often the key to successful social work involvement was the effort the
social worker put in to building the relationship with the woman and her
children. Deirdre talked at length about her first meeting with her social
worker.
I had no money, no social money, and he [the social worker] came up to see
me the next day, and he was absolutely marvellous. He walked in and
Padraig [my son] stopped at the door, turned around and walked back out,
so he [the social worker] got on his knees, and he had loads of toys and
sweets and that, he was laughing with me and Paul [my son]. And then
Padraig slowly started walking in the door, and then he [the social worker]
completely ignored Padraig and carried on playing with the others and
then eventually Padraig sat down with him. And then he just carried on
playing as if Padraig had been there all the time. And then Padraig just kept
looking at him a bit strange and then he went, ‘Are you going to hit me?
You’re a man, are you going to hit me?’ and [the social worker] said, ‘No! I
won’t hit you,’ and carried on playing. ‘My dad hit me, my dad threw me
up the wall and banged my head,’ ‘Did he? He’s a naughty man isn’t he
Padraig? Not all men are like that.’ And he just carried on playing again,
and he’d say things like, ‘I wasn’t allowed to cry, ’cause if I cry, I’m a
wimp,’ and he [the social worker] said, ‘I cry, I cry all the time,’ and then
he carried on playing again. But he was absolutely brilliant, and he gave
me some money, and he took the children out to McDonald’s. And now
when the children see him, Padraig cries at the door when he goes. He
literally cries. (Deirdre)
Deirdre describes her social worker as ‘an absolute diamond’ and says that
she wishes that she had known years ago that a social worker could be like
this. She described herself as
very, very satisfied with social services. (Deirdre)
Learning to trust and stay involved with social services could be very
difficult for women who were still in the violent relationship and having to
deal with their partner’s opposition to any social work involvement. Lucy
highlighted how difficult it was for her when social services first became
involved:
Chris [my partner] was totally against them, totally against social services,
so I was stuck between the two of them, you know, trying to stay involved
with them but at the same time trying not to go against Chris’s wishes as
well. It was a very difficult position to be in. (Lucy)
Lucy herself admitted that because of her partner’s influence, she ‘worked
against’ social services. However, despite a very difficult start she
appreciated the effort that her social worker made in overcoming her
reluctance and felt that social services were supportive.
The social worker I had for seven years spent an awful long time getting to
know me and working me out. A real long time, gaining my trust and
confidence and we felt more like friends, so I was very sorry for her to
leave. (Lucy)
Negative social services response

Fourteen families were unhappy with the response they received from social
services. As outlined below, there were a number of themes identifiable in
this dissatisfaction.
Domestic violence not acknowledged

The most common reason for women’s dissatisfaction with social services
was that social workers did not acknowledge the domestic violence or take
it seriously. As one woman said:
The social workers they give me at the time seemed to be trainees and they
didn’t really seem to know. It was as if they didn’t really take me seriously
and when I asked for help to back me up on things, they used to back
down, well now we can’t do this and we can’t do that. (Rita)
Some women questioned their social worker’s qualifications and believed

that they demonstrated a lack of awareness regarding the dynamics of
domestic violence. For example one woman expressed her concerns that her
social worker did not understand how certain areas were not safe for her to
go to because of the possibility of being found by her ex-partner. In other
situations where social services were involved because of the children’s
difficulties, although the social workers were aware of the domestic
violence they did not relate it to the children’s distress and so did not work
to address the issue. Women described their desperation at trying to find
therapeutic help for their children but not being able to get it through social
services.
In some cases once the woman had left with the children the violent man
snatched the children as a way of forcing the woman back into the
relationship. Social services were not always sympathetic in this situation.
I went to social services and I’m saying that I’m at the end of my tether and
I can’t cope, and they were so horrible to me I couldn’t believe it, and they
said, ‘Well, he’s the father.’ (June)
Marianne’s story represents an extreme example of domestic violence not

being acknowledged as a key social work issue. Marianne had a baby
unbeknown to her violent partner and had the baby adopted because it was
the only way she could see to protect the baby from the violence. Social
services knew the reason that Marianne was having the baby adopted was
because of her partner’s violence but she said they did not help her.
Marianne said that regarding the adoption, social services ‘done their bit’
and ‘were marvellous’ but at no point was she offered help around the key
issue, which was her partner’s violence. Indeed the domestic violence was
not acknowledged at all. Social services seemed to define their role
narrowly and addressed only those aspects of Marianne’s experience that
they saw as an unambiguous social work issue, that is, the adoption.
Women who had contact with social workers working in the area of
mental health were dismayed at the lack of recognition of the implications of
the domestic violence both for themselves and their children. One woman
who was hospitalised because of mental health problems she developed as a
result of the domestic violence was upset that once she was discharged from
the psychiatric hospital, social work involvement ceased. She could not
understand why she was unable to get help for her son, as she was very
concerned about the psychological impact of the domestic violence on him.
Cheryl believed that she was labelled an unfit mother because she
suffered mental health problems as a consequence of the domestic violence.
Her ex-partner had locked her out of the home and kept the children. Cheryl
spent three years fighting to have the children returned to her care.
Eventually it was discovered that the children were being abused and they
were removed from their father’s care. Cheryl had told social services about
the domestic violence but felt that they did not really listen to what she was
saying about it. She felt very much that they were biased against her.
I think they still saw me as a very uncoping person. Obviously my spell
under the psychiatrist didn’t help. I think at that point, they said it on
numerous occasions, that they would place the children with me as an
emergency as there was nowhere for them to go besides put them out with
complete strangers. But they were only with me pending fostering.
(Cheryl)
The impacts of the domestic violence and the enforced separation from her
children were overlooked and the crucial issue seen to be Cheryl’s perceived
mental instability.
The guardian ad litem’s [GAL] reports referred to me as being mentally
unstable and having had mental problems, which I was lucky enough to
track down the psychiatrist I had been under and he’d sent a lovely letter
to court saying that I am as sane as they come. But we had to go for
psychiatric assessments as well because of that. She [the GAL] felt my
lifestyle wasn’t suitable because I didn’t work, which I’d actually given up
work when the children came back. Just generally I’d been labelled as
being unsuitable and that they wanted them placed with a nice family, a
nice two-parent family somewhere. (Cheryl)
Women may develop mental health problems because of the domestic

violence; however, the experience of women in this study was that although
they had contact with a number of professionals, the focus remained totally
on their perceived mental health problems. The women were viewed in
isolation from their life situation; their problems regarded as internal

psychological processes rather than a reaction to daily violence and
intimidation. Humphreys (2000) also found that professionals often did
not make the connection between women’s mental health problems and the
domestic violence they were experiencing.
The child protection register and social work support

Women were critical of the fact that even when children were placed on the
child protection register, no social work support was forthcoming.
When kids are on child protection like, you’re supposed to get help and
support from them and I got none, and it ain’t just for me eldest one, I mean
I can see his future ending up in prison. Because he thinks that if he can do,
he can do it. That’s what he’s been doing, I think it’s bang out of order the
way that my social worker hasn’t even bothered helping us, and he’s taking
glue and everything, never used to. That’s what hurts. (Janice)
Some women were resentful that their children had been placed on the
child protection register, seeing it as a negative judgement about their care
of and ability to protect their children. They felt that there was no
recognition of the lengths to which they had gone to protect the children
from the violence. For example, Camilla’s children were placed on the child
protection register when she disclosed the domestic violence in the course
of an access dispute (pre Children Act 1989). She felt that putting the
children on the register was a reflection on her and she was not happy about
it. Some time later, in a new relationship, when other children were born
they were automatically registered.
The only thing I didn’t like was that the children were put on to the ‘At
Risk Register’. I didn’t mind them being put on it because of the father, but
it makes me look bad as well, which I didn’t like. I’d gone through
everything I’ve gone through now and lost everything again to make sure
my children are safe, and yet they were on the ‘At Risk Register’. (Camilla)
Years later Camilla found out by accident that the children were still on the
register. She had thought that when their names were placed on the register
they would automatically be removed after a short while. In the intervening
years the family had no contact with social services.
A common perception of social services was that they would respond
only reactively rather than proactively, as this woman verbalised:
You see, I can’t get help from the social services unless I attack the children
and then I’m regarded as an abusive mother. Then they go on the ‘At Risk
Register’. Then we get help. (Bea)
Some women welcomed or even requested that their children be placed on

the child protection register. They saw it as a way of further protecting the
children. Following the discovery that her partner had sexually abused their
son, Jacinta attended a case conference and asked that her children’s names
be placed on the child protection register. She felt that if that happened, it
would enable her to break her partner’s ‘hold’ on her. She also thought that
if he snatched them, social services would be able to remove them from him.
The children were put on the register.
Marianne also asked that her child be placed on the child protection
register as a way of preventing her ex-partner snatching the child. Social
services said that they would not do that because Marianne was protecting
her daughter.
I wouldn’t have minded, there is no way them children are in any threat
from me, so it didn’t bother me. I mean I know it’s very nice for them
[social services] to think that [I could protect them] but as far as I was
concerned it was just something to save them, to help them, but they
wouldn’t do it. All right, it’s very nice to think that they [believed I could
protect them], but at the same time I wasn’t strong enough to protect them
from him, because I kept going back to him or bothering with him.
Whereas if they had been on the ‘At Risk Register’, I could have used that.
(Marianne)
The common perception was that children who were registered would get
support that they might not otherwise get. However, as the examples
illustrate, this was not necessarily true. Placing children’s names on the child
protection register could be a difficult decision for mothers to understand as
it felt as if they were being judged as incapable of protecting their children.
Or they felt that others perceived the mother as the one posing the threat to
the children. In other situations, mothers viewed the child protection
register as a tool to protect both the children and themselves. They saw it as
giving a clear message that the man’s violence was wrong and the mother
would be supported in taking action to protect the children. What is
concerning is the lack of follow-up, once it had been agreed that children
were at risk.
Perceived mishandling of and lack of support concerning

child sexual abuse investigations
Being involved in an investigation into alleged child sexual abuse is
obviously a sensitive time for children and their carers. Mothers voiced a
number of concerns regarding the handling of such investigations. Two of
the mothers who contacted social services because their daughters had
disclosed sexual abuse were distressed by the fact that a male social worker
came to interview the girls. They felt it should have been a woman. One of
the girls refused to talk to a man and a female social worker came to see her.
However, the female social worker was very unsympathetic.
They sent a social worker, he was a man. She wasn’t going to talk to any
men, after what had just happened. We said we’d try her with a woman. A
woman came, and she says, she was a very nasty woman, I can’t even
remember her name. She said something like, ‘I don’t know what you’re all
sitting around moping for, he only tried to rape her; he didn’t actually
succeed.’ So we told her to get out of the house, and we’ve never spoken
about it since. (Martine)
Martine was then scared to approach social services regarding the domestic
violence in case the children were removed. She said she did not think they
could help. Overall she feels let down by social services.
Leila said that, ironically, she had not contacted social services for help
while living with the violent man because she feared they would become
overinvolved, that is, remove her daughter. After her daughter’s disclosure
of sexual abuse, Leila and her daughter went to a refuge. They had no
money and Leila asked her social worker for financial assistance but her
request was refused. Later Leila asked for help in coping with her daughter’s
behaviour following the disclosure but she was told that her daughter was
not a priority.
Stephanie’s son Terry disclosed that his father had sexually abused him
and an investigation was undertaken. Stephanie was very unhappy with the
way the investigation was handled. Neither she nor Terry had any warning
about Terry being interviewed so Stephanie had no opportunity to prepare
him. Instead he was taken out of school and interviewed by a policeman and
a social worker with no familiar person present. Terry was very distressed
and unable to talk about his abuse. As a result the case was dropped.
Stephanie feels that the police officer and social worker should have come
to meet Terry first before the interview or at least have given her enough
time to prepare him.
Cheryl was also unhappy at the way her children’s investigation was
handled. Like Stephanie, she felt that more time should have been spent on
planning.
They barged in like a bull into a china shop really and I don’t think they
handled it well at all. I saw the social worker at 5 o’clock one evening. I
had a message at 10 o’clock that night to be at Shirley’s school by 9 the
following morning at which point a different social worker and a WPC
[woman police constable] went in to interview. Now they told me at that
time if she didn’t disclose at that interview she would have to go back to
her stepfather’s house, and he would have to be told about the accusations
that had been made. Now she was 9 years old, 10 years old, very
frightened. It took two hours before she actually did disclose and they
were just on the verge of giving up. And I know if she’d have gone back
into that house at that point he would have killed her. She’d been abused
for three years. I didn’t see that waiting a couple more days and planning it
carefully was going to make that much difference. He had the capacity to
kill and I think he would have done. I mean luckily she did at that last
minute disclose and a place of safety order was drawn up and they were
out. (Cheryl)
Mothers felt that they needed support in coming to terms with the
knowledge that their child had been sexually abused, as Jacinta explained:
I didn’t know if I was a victim, I didn’t know what I was, but nobody
actually said to me, ‘Well Jacinta, this is the position and we’re here for you
and we’ll help you understand all this.’ I didn’t understand it all, but I
didn’t get any help to understand anything. I mean I went through two
years of being really, really angry with him [my ex-partner], with social
services and with me because I had no support at all. (Jacinta)
Mixed response from social services

Six women said that they had received a mixed response from social services.
For these women the response they got varied from social worker to social
worker. The crucial factors in determining what type of response they got
were the social worker’s awareness of domestic violence and its impact on
the woman and children and the social worker’s ability to provide practical
advice or services. For example, two women in the study had contact with
social services after witnessing a woman being stabbed to death by her
ex-partner when he broke into a refuge. Both women described the social
workers as ‘lovely women’ and ‘very nice’, but both of them felt that they did
not get the support they needed for themselves or for their children, who
had also witnessed the murder.
Cheryl had a very difficult relationship with social services over a
number of years. However, she felt that she was very lucky in that she was
eventually allocated a social worker who was new to the team and they built
up a very good relationship. The new social worker recognised that Cheryl
had done everything she could to protect her children and was clear about
the impact of the domestic violence on both Cheryl and her children.
Cheryl perceived her support as invaluable.
She was very, very good, very supportive and she still is. But without her I
don’t know how we would have got through it, no. (Cheryl)
Children’s perceptions of social services

Lack of information
Children’s and young people’s dissatisfaction with social services seemed to
focus on the lack of information they were given, particularly with regard to
the process when they were involved in a child abuse investigation:
I don’t think I had any security, any knowledge of what was going on. I
needed to be told everything. I didn’t realise that there was a chance that I
might have been taken away. But I think I should have been told a bit later
[after the investigative interview] by somebody what was going to happen
with my dad. But my mum was really the only person who told me that.
(Shirley, aged 16)
Jackie was very dissatisfied with the response her family received from
social services. She knew that she and her siblings had been put on the child
protection register because her stepfather had a conviction for sexual abuse
but she said that the social worker did not talk to them or explain what was
happening. Jackie wished that the social worker had talked to them and
explained more, particularly as her stepfather later sexually abused her
younger brother.
Nobody told us anything, we just got sent to this case conference and that
was it really. And we didn’t hear anything else after that. (Jackie, aged 19)
Lack of contact
Very few children reported that they were unhappy with their contact with
social services. It should be noted, though, that children’s own actual
contact with social workers appeared to be minimal even where there was
an allocated social worker. Social workers may have visited the home but
not necessarily spent time with the children, even when the children were
the sole reason for social services involvement. One very clear example of
this was given by Stephanie. There were concerns about her 5-year-old son,
Terry, as he was displaying sexualised behaviour. A social worker came to
visit but did not speak directly to Terry; instead the social worker discussed
his behaviour with his parents in Terry’s hearing. The matter was not taken
further. After Stephanie had left the violent relationship, Terry disclosed
that his father had sexually abused him. Stephanie speculated that if the
social worker had spoken directly to Terry when the concerns were first
raised, Terry might have been able to say what was happening, thus further
abuse could have been prevented.
Positive social services response

Children who were given information and felt that their views were taken
seriously by the social worker were very positive about the intervention. As
with mothers, children were very appreciative of a social work approach
which concentrated on building a positive relationship and worked at the
child’s pace.
One young girl had been interviewed regarding possible sexual abuse.
She said that she felt embarrassed while talking to the social worker but that
there was nothing the social worker could have done to make it better.
A young boy described his social worker in terms of being the one who
rescued him from the violent situation. He said that he found it easy to talk to
her about the violence because she understood. A number of children
stressed how important it was for them that they felt it was easy to talk to the
social worker about their experiences. One young person explained how she
had not wanted to meet the social worker. She said she did not see the point.
However, she wrote to him expressing her wishes and he wrote back to her.
She felt that her views were taken seriously.
Another social worker had spent time preparing the children in a
particular family for the possibility of them being accommodated by the
local authority for a week to give their mother a break. When it did actually
happen, the children were very positive about it.
She said that we might have to go away for a while, that’s what she kept
saying to us, but we didn’t really think about it. But when it did come, it
was all right, when we did have to go, it was good. (Tracy, aged 15)
Fiona had been sexually abused by her father. In her interview, Fiona
stressed how the social worker concentrated on building a relationship with
her thus enabling Fiona to trust her.
I think with the social worker and them, like they talk about stuff, other
things at first so I grow to trust them and then we would start talking about
stuff like that [the sexual abuse]. (Fiona, aged 15)
Summary
Of the thirty families who had contact with social services, most were
unhappy with the response they received. A positive social services
response was one where the domestic violence was taken seriously and the
social worker put a lot of effort into building a relationship with the woman
and children. A negative social services response was one in which the
domestic violence was not taken seriously or there was a general lack of
awareness regarding domestic violence.
Women’s fear of their children being removed by social services if they
knew of the domestic violence was the main factor inhibiting women
seeking formal help. This fear was then deliberately manipulated by the
violent man as a way of keeping the woman in the relationship. Some
violent men also made allegations of child abuse against the woman as a
way of continuing to control and intimidate her once she had left him.
Women also reported that if they were involved with social services while
still living with their violent partners, then they experienced more violence,
as the men perceived the involvement of social services as undermining
their control over the women and children. A number of issues emerged
regarding the child protection register and social work support. Mothers
whose children were on the child protection register perceived a lack of
social work support despite their children being on the register. On the
other hand mothers whose children were not on the register thought that
they would get more support if they were on the register. Some women felt
that they were being negatively judged by having their children placed on
the child protection register, whereas others saw it as a means of further
protecting their children. Mothers whose children had been involved in
child abuse investigations generally felt that the investigations had not been
handled sensitively.
Although there was a lack of direct contact between social workers and
children, children were generally positive about their contact with social
services. They valued an approach which made them feel that they were
being taken seriously, that worked at their own pace and they appreciated
the effort made by the social worker to build a relationship with them. On
the negative side, children felt that they should have been given more
information, particularly if they were involved in an investigation into
alleged child abuse.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Police Responses to Domestic Violence
Introduction
The main pieces of legislation that the police can use to respond to situations
of domestic violence are the Offences Against the Person Act 1861, the
Police and Criminal Evidence Act 1984 and the Protection from
Harassment Act 1997.
Hester et al. (1999) concede:
Many aspects of domestic violence are difficult to define as crimes, nor do
they fit readily into common categories of ‘assault’ under criminal law.
The criminal law and the courts perceive harm in terms of physical abuse.
(Hester et al. 1999, p.83)
This ‘incident-focused’ system, they argue, ignores many aspects of the

controlling and intimidating behaviour that is women’s common
experience. However, the authors point out that in the late 1990s case law
has defined ‘actual bodily harm’ to include shock and nervous conditions,
thus recognising the psychological impacts of abuse.
Findings
In total, forty families had contact with the police. Of these, eight were
happy with the police response, sixteen were dissatisfied and sixteen had
received a mixed response. In thirty out of the forty cases it was the woman
herself who called the police. In nine instances someone else, most
commonly a neighbour, was the one to make the call. Children in two
families phoned the police (in one of these cases at different points the
mother had also phoned).
129
Issues with regard to women contacting the police

There were a number of issues which women raised in relation to contacting
the police. One of these related to barriers to calling the police in the first
place. Some women believed that the police simply would not get involved
in domestic violence.
I mean I didn’t think the police would be interested. I’ve got to be honest; I
was totally gobsmacked [shocked] at their reaction. I couldn’t believe it.
(Kim)
She, like many other women interviewed, was unaware of how the police
could help in this situation. Some women appeared to have internalised the
message that domestic violence is accepted and did not realise that their
partners were in fact committing a crime.
While we were living together I didn’t think he were breaking law, I didn’t
think he could break the law against me if we were living together, I
thought they might laugh at me. I didn’t know it were illegal, it’s very
weird what you think when you’re actually going through it. (Bernice)
Other women said that they had been afraid to call the police. For one
woman this fear arose from her immigration status. Her partner had
deliberately given her false information regarding her status in order to
ensure that she did not call the police. When the police were called, he told
them that she was an illegal immigrant (she was not). However, the police
did not get involved in his allegations.
Calling the police might stop a particular assault but women also
reported that in the long run it could make matters worse because their
partners saw that they ‘got off with it’ and would then punish the woman
for calling the police.
I mean if they appear when you’ve just been severely beaten they’ll take
him away. Sometimes they keep him in overnight, sometimes it’s just for a
couple of hours. But you know what’s going to happen the minute he
walks back through that door. Which most of the time isn’t worth it so you
don’t bother calling the police anyway. (Camilla)
In relation to calling the police, it is interesting that a number of violent men

threatened to tell the police that the woman was ‘mad’ so that they would
dismiss any allegations of violence.
He’d be saying things like, ‘You daren’t call the police because I will tell
them that you are having a nervous breakdown.’ (Marcia)
POLICE RESPONSES TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE / 131
The idea that they could be perceived as having mental health problems
fuelled women’s fears that they might lose their children.
Women at times found it emotionally difficult to call the police,
particularly when their partner was the father of their children. Women
described feeling guilty for calling the police to their children’s father and in
some cases dropped the charges against the violent man because of this guilt.
Women who returned to the relationship or dropped the charges against
their violent partners then also struggled with their guilt at ‘letting the police
down’. The reason women generally gave for not continuing with a
prosecution was fear either of their ex-partners or fear of having to go
through the court process. Women were left feeling guilty for wasting police
time and in some cases felt that individual police officers tried to exploit this
guilt in order to convince the woman to continue with the case. For example,
Maisie phoned the police after an assault and they came very quickly. She
did not realise that by making a statement she was agreeing to press charges.
She did not want to press charges. The police kept her partner overnight and
she phoned up to see when he would be released. She felt that they were
being ‘very evasive’. While on the phone to the police she said that she did
not want to press charges and she heard someone in the background making
disparaging remarks.
So I says I don’t want to press charges or anything like that and I heard
someone saying in the background, it was said that I could hear but not
obviously to me, ‘Oh do you hear the silly woman? Now she doesn’t want
to press charges, she knows we’d be back around there in a week.’ You
know, it was said so I could hear it you know and someone said, ‘Oh
wasting police time, you know.’ (Maisie)
Maisie was understandably angry with the police for their comments and
felt that they did not understand how threatened she felt. If women’s fears
regarding prosecution of their partners are not addressed, they are extremely
unlikely to prosecute. Instead their guilt will only be intensified and inhibit
them from seeking police help in the future.
Three women discussed wanting the decision to prosecute a man for
violence against his partner to rest with the police not with the woman. The
reason they gave for this was to protect women from further violence as the
man attempted to intimidate her into dropping the charges against him.
I would have liked for the police to have come into my home and
intervened and said, ‘Whether you’re going to prosecute him or not, we’re
taking him away, we’re going to prosecute him.’ And in that way he
couldn’t have blamed me. (Margo)
Another issue which women highlighted in relation to contacting the

police was that their ex-partners tried to involve the police in their abuse of
the women, for example, by making allegations of child abuse against the
woman.
Positive police response

Eight women reported that they were pleased with the police response.
Generally this was because the women felt that the police were taking the
domestic violence seriously and supporting them.
Fantastic. I think if I’d realised how much help and support there was …
because I know at one time if they got called to a domestic they just used to
sort of quieten you down didn’t they? Not that I knew that from
experience, it’s like other people. I think you think to yourself, what’s the
point of involving them. Well I didn’t even know there was a domestic
violence unit, I didn’t even know they existed, I didn’t have a clue. (Kim)
The following quote from Jem highlights a number of aspects of police

response to domestic violence which were rated positively by women in the
study. Jem called the police even though she did not know what they would
do. She found their response very quick and very efficient. The police made
her partner, Simon, leave the house because that is what Jem said she
wanted.
They said they’d hang around for a bit, they’d patrol the area and that
they’d put an alert out so that if a 999 call comes through or a call to a local
police station they would realise and come back quite quickly, which I
thought was really good. They were concerned for my emotional welfare;
they wanted to know if I wanted to go to the hospital or whatever, am I
okay? Am I sure I’m okay? Are the children all right? I didn’t know they’d
be so intense with regard to my children as well. I said, yes I’m fine etc., and
then the domestic violence unit called me up a couple of days later. (Jem)
Thus, women valued a police response that combined the following

elements:
• a quick response
• officers taking the domestic violence seriously
• officers concerned for both the women’s and the children’s welfare
• follow-up, particularly from the domestic violence unit
• referral to other appropriate agencies such as refuges, solicitors or
local support groups.
Negative police response

Sixteen women said that they were unhappy with the response they received
from the police. Generally they felt that the police were not taking the
domestic violence seriously. Women reporting a negative police response
were more likely to be describing experiences from several years previously,
although some women’s recent contact with the police was also perceived by
them to be negative. Four women said that the police response to them was
to treat the call as a ‘domestic’, that is, to say that they did not get involved in
domestic violence.
Or even the police, once when I rang the service, they said they don’t get
involved in domestic violence cases and I think legislation must have
caused them to look at it more seriously over the last couple of years but
previously they weren’t really interested. (Davina)
Similarly Denise had also contacted the police several years previously and
was told that there was nothing the police could do.
I called them once when he really beat me, one night, when I managed to
grab the phone and they came and at that time I was pretty disgusted
because they said, ‘You’re man and wife, there is nothing we can do.’ He
had actually broken my nose. That frightened me. I never trusted after
that. I didn’t trust anyone in authority after that either. I think that’s why I
was so frightened when I had to go to court to apply for custody, because
the only authority people I had asked for help was the police and I just felt
like they’d kicked me in the teeth really! But now, the police do get
involved now, don’t they? From what I’ve heard. But at the time, no. They
wouldn’t get involved because it was domestic. (Denise)
She was told by the police that even if she pressed charges, ‘it wouldn’t get
there’, and she got an even worse beating when the police left. Some time
later her husband assaulted her and left her for dead rolled up in a carpet at
the side of the road. A motorist found her unconscious and badly injured
and she said that the police ‘still didn’t want to know’.
Denise was not the only woman dissuaded by the police from pursuing
criminal charges against her ex-partner: there were a number of women
interviewed who reported this experience. For example, at the advice of a
police officer Danielle decided to bring charges against her ex-partner and
went to the police station. She was told that she needed to go to the police
station in another town. Danielle went there and was informed that she
needed to go to another town three miles away to be photographed. She
went to the police station as directed and was told: ‘It’s the wrong time of
night to make a report.’ She was also advised that she needed to make the
report in the town in which she was living. On her fourth visit to a police
station Danielle managed to see a policewoman, who dissuaded her against
bringing charges.
And she [the policewoman] sort of basically said, he could have a good
solicitor and you know did I realise that he’d probably get away with it by
having a good solicitor. And he’d say he was justified, he could say he was
justified because he was trying to get her [my daughter] away from me and
he was justified in using the force he had against me. So I had to realise that
I was going to go through all that procedure and it would mean people
standing up in court saying things about me. And I gave up really, thinking
well if they don’t think it’s justifiable then perhaps I’ve got nothing to
complain about. I mean I thought, you know, if the police had said, ‘Oh
yeah definitely,’ I’d have thought they thought I had something to
complain about. But if they didn’t then I obviously didn’t have anything to
complain about, I suppose. (Danielle)
While individual police officers may feel that they are protecting women
from the trauma of a difficult court case, they need to be mindful of the fact
that they may be giving abused women and violent men the message that
domestic violence is not serious enough to warrant the full intervention of
the criminal justice system.
Women were critical of a police response that treated the domestic
violence as a ‘disturbance’ and did not offer information regarding sources
of support such as contact numbers for the local refuge or domestic violence
unit.
In more than one case the police said that they were unable to do
anything because the woman was not physically marked. Women feel
helpless and frustrated in the face of an uninterested police response and the
knowledge that phoning the police might not make any difference. For
example, one man told the woman that if she phoned the police, he would
just say that he was not there and he would get witnesses to support his
statement.
Frequently women reported that when the police were called to the home
they would remove the man and tell the woman that they would keep him
overnight. Instead they kept him for only a few hours or just drove him
somewhere else. Instead of having some time to recover from the assault or
decide what they wanted to do, women were then unexpectedly faced with
the return of their now very angry, violent partner.
Women also called the police when their ex-partners snatched the
children. In most cases the police were hampered by the fact that no court
orders were in place preventing the man taking the children. Women,
however, felt that more could have been done to locate the man and children.
In one instance it took six weeks before the police found the man and child.
In another family, the man had been charged with alleged child sexual abuse.
His children were on the child protection register and there was a court order
prohibiting him from taking them. He took one of the boys and the woman
called the police. The policewoman who came said that she would not
remove the child and said it was the woman’s fault for bringing the child into
the man’s house (she had not).
Mixed police response

Women frequently reported a mixed response from the police, finding that
they were treated differently by different officers, different teams and
different areas, at different points in time, or even for different aspects of
their experiences.
Different officers
The most usual contrast made was between uniformed police and domestic
violence unit officers, with domestic violence officers usually being seen as
more sympathetic. Women felt very supported when officers from the
domestic violence unit would get in touch following uniformed police being
called out to a violent incident. Women referred to domestic violence unit
officers as being very clear that domestic violence is not acceptable and
offering women emotional support and practical information such as refuge
or helpline numbers. Vivien described her contact with the domestic

violence unit and how supported she felt.
I’d take in the kids with me, and explain all, and he [the domestic violence
officer] said, ‘Don’t let him get away with it.’ And he was talking to the kids
about cartoon characters and different things so he made them feel really
relaxed and even Beverley [my daughter] came out and she said to my nan,
‘That was a really nice man, a really nice man in there, he made us laugh.’
But it was really relaxed and very sympathetic; he said, ‘I just can’t
understand how men can do this, no one deserves to be hit.’ (Vivien)
On the other hand, uniformed officers were often perceived as being

dismissive of domestic violence and as insensitive. For example, Judith
called the police following an assault. They asked to see her injuries and she
felt that she had to show them her bruises, which were concentrated in the
chest area. Afterwards Judith felt humiliated by having to show the male
police officers her bruised breasts. She also realised later that her front door
had been open and anyone passing by could have seen her. That incident
put her off contacting the police again. She said:
there was no [police] woman there to help me, to talk me through what I
could do and what I was entitled to do and what sort of protection I was
entitled to from the police. I didn’t feel that I got any. (Judith)
However, regarding her contact with the domestic violence unit, Judith
said:
they were absolutely brilliant, they were making sure I was all right
virtually all the way through. I had a phone call in the evening; I had a
phone call the next morning and [the] sergeant turned up at court for me. I
couldn’t have wished for a better response other than arresting him and
leaving him in jail for the weekend. They took things as far as they could.
(Judith)
Women sometimes felt that uniformed police would not take any action
against the man other than telling him to leave the house. Women’s
experience frequently was that once the police left, the man would return
and would assault the woman for calling the police. In addition, by not
giving the man a clear message that he was wrong, they reinforced women’s
self-blame. June recounted how at one point a police officer said to her
ex-partner, ‘My missus gives me a headache as well’. Her experience with
the police highlights a number of concerns. June went to a refuge and she
arranged a police escort to go back to her home to collect some things. She
described what happened:
I’d left and I’d moved but I went back to try and get some things. I didn’t
get anything because he was there screaming and shouting, and he had a
knife and he was saying to the policeman, ‘I’m going to stick it in her
throat and rip it out’. And he was telling the policeman what he was going
to do to me, and [the policeman] was saying, ‘Yeah, all right mate,’ and I
was like – ‘He just said he’s going to kill me! You’re telling him it’s all right
mate!’ So that really gutted [upset] me. In the end the police said, ‘We just
think it’s best you just leave your things’. So they didn’t help me get
anything out of there, I left without anything and I reported them for that
because I was so upset the [police] man just stood there and listened to
how he [my ex-partner] was going to kill me. (June)
June’s ex-partner threatened her sister on the street and she had to run into a
shop for safety. Her sister reported it to the police, who said it was a
‘domestic argument’.
It’s a domestic argument, that’s what they told my sister. And she was
saying, ‘Well no, it’s not my man. He has nothing to do with me, he’s my
sister’s,’ so he never even actually got a warning for that, nothing. (June)
June had taken injunctions out against her ex-partner but he kept breaking in
to her home. She phoned the police but did not receive a supportive
response.
I mean I phoned them seven times in two weeks the last time, and they
were saying to me that they were fed up with me calling them. I mean
what is the point, what am I supposed to do? Not call them and let him
come in the house? (June)
On the other hand she felt that officers from the domestic violence unit ‘took
it more seriously’ than uniformed police. She felt that the uniformed police
were scared of the violent man but that this was not the case for the domestic
violence officers. She said:
They made me feel safe and made us feel that I was well in my rights and
that he had no right to do what he was doing so that helped me. (June)
Different points in time

Women also reported differing police responses to their situation at different
points in time. Camilla had contact with the police in the 1970s and again in
the late 1990s. She described the service she received both times as a
‘terrible response’. In the 1970s she said it was:
Oh a terrible response. It really was – ‘Oh another domestic … OK.’ And if
you called them on the spur of the moment because your life is at risk it
does take a while for them to get there, because they see it as another
domestic and that is it. (Camilla)
More recently Camilla charged her ex-partner with actual bodily harm. The
police agreed to escort him back to get his things. Instead they let him go on
his own and he stayed. Camilla moved out and a friend went to the house to
collect some things for her. Her ex-partner thought it was Camilla coming
in the house and attacked the friend. In the ensuing scuffle Camilla’s
ex-partner was injured and her friend was subsequently charged with
grievous bodily harm. Camilla herself was charged with conspiracy to
attempted murder.
But the worst of it was when the violence was against the man I was with,
that was different, that was an attempted murder. And the funniest bit was
that whilst I was in the police station and they were trying to interview me,
and he accused me of this attempted murder, I was covered in bruises! I had
the black eye and the split lip, bruises around my throat, and to me it was
self-defence, to them it was attempted murder, but what he did to me was
just domestic violence. (Camilla)
The charges against Camilla were dropped. Her ex-partner then broke into
her house and tried to burn it. Camilla called the police at 11.00 p.m. but
they arrived at 1.25 a.m. They did not interview her ex-partner about the
fire; they told her that he would only deny it so there was no point. She
asked the police officer what she should do now that her ex-partner knew
where she was.
I was speaking to a DC [detective constable] and he was dealing with my
case, and he was dealing with the case of the girl who had just left the
refuge; it was a young girl and she’d just been found stabbed to death by
her ex[partner]. And he was dealing with the same case, and I said, ‘What
am I supposed to do now that he is in [town]?’ And he said, ‘Stay in and
keep the door locked!’ And that’s it! And yet he’d just walked away after
identifying the body of a girl who had just been stabbed fifteen times by
her ex[partner]. Which to me didn’t make sense – not at all. (Camilla)
In contrast Deirdre had contact with the police twice since 1994, and found
the response much more positive on the second occasion. On the first
occasion an officer referred to the call as ‘another domestic’ and referred to

Deirdre as a ‘paranoid woman’. She had to plead with the officers to take her
partner away so she could pack her things and leave. They promised to keep
him overnight but in the end they drove him a little bit from the house and
let him return home again immediately. On the second occasion Deirdre
found the police much more sympathetic. They discussed her options with
her and made it clear that they would support her in whatever decision she
made and organised a refuge place for her.
In other situations women felt that the first time they called the police
they had received a positive response but on subsequent occasions they felt
that the police attitude was, ‘What are you still doing here?’
Different responses to different aspects of their experiences

Some women reported that they received different responses from the police
for different aspects of their experiences. Most commonly women reported a
very different response to the suspected sexual abuse of their children from
the woman’s allegation of domestic violence.
One woman found the police very supportive concerning her daughter’s
allegation of sexual abuse against the woman’s ex-partner. In the end the
Crown Prosecution Service decided not to go ahead with the prosecution.
No they were very nice; the WPC she was extremely nice; there was
nothing besides the interview, she did come and explain to Shirley [my
daughter] why they weren’t going to prosecute, which I requested they do
because Shirley couldn’t see why he wasn’t going to be punished. (Cheryl)
Regarding the domestic violence, however, Cheryl’s experience was very

different. When her partner had threatened her and her baby with a gun her
elder daughter had phoned the police. Cheryl said that the police were not
interested and in fact told the man where she had gone.
Ralph [my son] was in his bedroom absolutely petrified, Shirley [my
daughter] was running a mile down the road looking for a phone box and
it was quite a nasty incident. The police came, weren’t interested really, a
friend of mine arrived at roughly the same time, piled me and the children
into her car, took me to her house. The police then told him where I was
staying. He turned up the following day and threatened her, threatened
my friend with a shotgun, at which time the police were called again and
they did try and take some action that time, and I ended up, there was no
criminal prosecution again. I took an injunction out. No they did nothing,
indeed they told him where I’d gone and told him to come and see me
tomorrow when I’d calmed down. (Cheryl)
Another woman was very impressed with the response she initially received
from the police.
The police were fantastic, you know, they saw the bruises, they took photos
of it. They asked me what happened, I told them. They said first thing is
you write the statement, then you go to the hospital and then we will come
and see you once you have calmed down and everything is all right. (Lana)
However, they then forgot to send the photographic evidence of her

bruising off to the Crown Prosecution Service.
Children’s views of the police

Children were very often not aware of their mother’s contact with the
police. However, they were clear that the police have a very important role
to play in giving the message that domestic violence is wrong and the usual
way they do this is to arrest the violent perpetrator. Children seemed to be
aware that the police’s involvement in domestic violence signified that it is a
very serious matter. As one young boy described, children often realised
that their mothers involve the police as a last resort.
And she rung up the Old Bill [the police] because she couldn’t take no
more. (Marshal, aged 8)
Teenagers were quite critical of the police response to domestic violence.

One young person remembered her mother phoning the police and the
police saying that they would not get involved.
And I can remember Mum phoning the police once and they wouldn’t,
they said that they wouldn’t actually get involved or anything. (Fiona, aged
15)
Hannah described the police as ‘useless’.

Oh they were useless. I thought, you’re here to protect people, what are you
doing just stood there saying, ‘Oh we can’t do this and we can’t do that’. So
I thought, well you can’t do anything. (Hannah, aged 15)
Finally, one teenage girl felt that calling the police actually made things
worse.
Usually I wouldn’t phone the police because I know that makes it worse.
The police just come to the door and then they go and leave him in the
house, which means that my mum’s getting in more trouble, I’m going to
get in trouble. (Mona, aged 17)
Mona did actually phone the police on one occasion and when they came to
the house they told the violent man that she had phoned them, thus placing
her in grave danger.
I phoned the police, right, and I said to them, I said, ‘Oh quickly he’s
hitting my mum.’ I said, ‘I’ve got to go Safeway’s, I’ve got to come back
with the stuff.’ So the woman said to me, ‘Well, you go where he’s sent you
to go and we’ll send the police round.’ She said, ‘What’s your name?’ And
I said, ‘Mona.’ So they went back and said, ‘Oh Mona phoned. Mona
phoned us and told us something’s wrong.’ So that was it, that was what
caused all the problems for me. Well, by the time I got there, they’d gone. I
was lucky because my auntie just happened to be passing through and
she’d stopped and she goes, ‘Quick, get in the car!’ And then she quickly
got my mum. But the police, if it was for the police, well he’d have
probably killed me if I’d have gone in there. (Mona, aged 17)
Mona believes that when the man sees that the police are not interested, it
reinforces the violent man’s behaviour, as well as increasing the risk for the
woman and children.
Summary
Of the forty families who had contact with the police, the majority were not
happy with the response they received. The main reason for this was that the
domestic violence was not taken seriously and women were not given any
information regarding appropriate support agencies. A positive police
response was one in which the domestic violence was taken seriously, the
police responded quickly and were concerned for the women’s and
children’s physical and emotional well-being. Follow-up, particularly from
the domestic violence unit, was also very much appreciated, as were referrals
to other agencies. A number of women reported a mixed response from the
police, giving the impression that the approach of individual officers very
much reflected their own attitudes regarding domestic violence and were
not always positive. Overall domestic violence unit officers were perceived
as being more sympathetic.
Women discussed a number of barriers to calling the police, including
not knowing that the police could or would do anything about the man’s
violence, fear of making it worse, and guilt. As with social services, some
men tried to involve the police in their intimidation of the woman.
Children often had no direct contact with the police when they came to
the house. Teenagers, however, were often critical of the police response
and generally did not see them as helpful.
Hester et al. (1999) state: ‘Up until the mid-1980s, the police response to
domestic violence was very variable, depending on the attitudes and
approach of the individual officer’ (p.82). The present study found that
many women’s experiences indicate that this variable response is very much
in evidence. However, it is also clear that practice is improving, particularly
with the move towards establishing domestic violence units; their response
was perceived as positive by women in this study.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Schools’ Responses to Domestic Violence
Thirty-five families had contact with schools or nurseries specifically about

the domestic violence. Twenty-four of these families felt that they had
received a positive response from the school. Very few mothers or children
expressly said that they felt unsupported by the school or nursery, rather
they felt that the school should be aware of what was happening in the
child’s life but they did not actually expect any support concerning the
domestic violence. On the other hand, the twenty-four families who felt
positive about their contact with the school felt that the school staff had
gone beyond the confines of their role as educators to offer emotional
support to the children and their mothers. In addition, mothers, in particular,
were grateful when the school referred them to another agency for ongoing
support either for themselves or the children.
Mothers talking to schools about the domestic violence

In thirteen families the mothers had gone to the school and told the staff
about the domestic violence. There seemed to be two main concerns that
prompted mothers to tell the school about the domestic violence. First, they
felt the school should be aware because of possible effects on the children’s
behaviour. Second, mothers had concerns regarding the safety of the
children; that is they were afraid their ex-partners would try to snatch the
children from school.
Mothers commonly said that they turned to the school in desperation;
they just did not know whom else to talk to. Recognising the impact of the
violence on their children’s academic performance was often what drove
mothers to confide in their children’s teachers.
I went up to the school in tears, because I didn’t know where else to turn.
Because her schoolwork was going downhill, she was going around with
the wrong crowd. (Vivien)
143
Vivien described the school’s response to her daughter’s behaviour

problems in school as being:
marvellous, absolutely brilliant … they understood why.
By telling school staff about what was happening in the children’s home
life, mothers hoped to set up support for their children in school. As one
young person said, once his teacher had been made aware of what was
happening:
She used to treat me all right because of what had happened. (Stuart, aged
14)
Another young boy said:

Yeah I spoke to my form tutor ’cause my mum told her what happened and
she said that if I needed to talk, to come to her. (Aaron, aged 13)
This support was seen to be important by mothers not just in terms of

children’s emotional needs but also in relation to teachers’ understanding
that the reason children had not done their homework or were exhausted in
class could indicate that the previous evening or night had been eclipsed by
their father’s abusive behaviour.
Fears that their ex-partners would snatch the children from school was
another reason women gave for talking to the school about the domestic
violence, usually after they had left with the children. Women explained to
the school about the violence and told them that their ex-partner was not
allowed to take the children from school. One mother discussed how
pleased she was with the school’s response when she discussed her fears of
her daughter being snatched. They asked for a photograph of her
ex-partner so they would recognise him if he were hanging around the
school.
Children talking to teachers about the domestic violence

In fifteen families children had directly told school staff or done something
that alerted teachers to the possibility of domestic violence. In four
instances, once the children had said something, teachers approached their
mothers and offered them support also.
Five of the children who spoke to their teachers about the domestic
violence felt supported by the teacher.
SCHOOLS’ RESPONSES TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE / 145
For example, one little boy described how he can have a

special five minutes. (Peter, aged 7)
with his teacher whenever he wants. Another young girl said that she had
wanted to talk to her teacher but was too embarrassed.
I just felt a bit embarrassed really because like not many people get their
mums beaten up by their dads. (Zara, aged 12)
In the end she was so upset one day going in to school that she told her
teacher everything:
and she was really good. (Zara, aged 12)
What is concerning is that although the teachers were supportive of
individual children, in none of these cases did they speak to the child’s
mother or make a referral to another agency. One young person felt that a
teacher had been very supportive over many years and she really appreciated
having someone to talk to. However, there were clear child protection
concerns and no action was ever taken by the teacher. Young people
frequently wished for more practical support from their teachers,
particularly in terms of information about where to get help.
In a further six cases children had spoken to their teachers about the
domestic violence but no support at all was offered. Two children had
directly asked for help but were told that there was nothing the teachers
could do. One mother was shocked to discover that her daughter had asked a
teacher for help and was told that they were unable to do anything unless the
woman herself asked for help but no one approached her to discuss what her
daughter had said. Young people referred to talking to teachers and friends
at school about the domestic violence but nobody doing anything about it.
I used to tell teachers and my friends at school what he was like and they, I
could see they believed me but they couldn’t do anything about it. (Jackie,
aged 19)
One mother was very angry that her daughter had been let down by the
school. Her daughter had told them what was happening at home and was
told by the teacher that the school would get her some support if her mother
agreed. Her mother said yes but then nothing happened. She feels now that
her daughter will not open up again because she has been let down. Another
mother felt that the teachers did not want to know. Her child’s teacher had
spoken to her at an open evening about her concerns regarding a poem her
son had written. However, the teacher did not try to talk to the boy about
his experience or refer him to another agency.
His mother said,
They never bothered. (Marcella)
In six families the child’s behaviour alerted school or nursery staff to
problems at home. In two cases the staff then spoke to the woman about
what was happening and then referred the family to another agency. One
teenage girl explained how her teachers would ask her if everything was all
right at home because her schoolwork was really suffering. She always told
them everything was fine because she blamed herself for what was
happening.
I just said no, it was all fine at home because I didn’t realise at the time what
he was doing. But like if he was shouting at me, I just thought, well, I’ve
done wrong. (Karina, aged 16)
At times teachers were aware of children’s behavioural difficulties that
mothers did not know about. By approaching the child’s mother and
discussing their concerns, the problem could then be addressed. For
example, Gerrard was experiencing difficulties in contact with his father
and consequently his behaviour at school was affected. The school
highlighted the problems to his mother. His mother was then able to get
help for him.
Positive support from schools

Children and mothers from twenty-four families reported receiving
positive support from schools.
My headmaster and my teacher knew about it all, and they were really
helpful and my headmaster just said, ‘If you ever want to leave the lesson
you just come out and you come and see me and you can go home.’ (Jade,
aged 12)
What was really appreciated by families was a response from school staff
that was concerned with the children’s emotional welfare as well as
academic attainment. It was evident that where families received a positive
response from the school, they were taking the domestic violence seriously
and understood the dynamics involved. One mother described the response
she and her children received from school as ‘brilliant’. When she explained
what was happening the school said that they would ‘keep an eye’ on the
SCHOOLS’ RESPONSES TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE / 147
children and be there if the children wanted to talk about it. Another mother
said the school was not ‘overly concerned’ about her child but it was clear
from the child’s interview that he felt supported by his teacher.
She says, ‘I’ll talk to you at playtime, dinnertime, any time, whenever you
want to speak’. (Marshal, aged 8)
Mothers appreciated that teachers were aware of possible impacts on the
children and thus were ready to offer help. One mother and her son and
daughter had witnessed the killing of another woman by her ex-partner,
who had broken into the refuge they were staying in. The woman told the
school what had happened. Her son was offered a counsellor by the school
but he turned it down; the woman felt that it was too soon for him to be able
to use the counsellor appropriately. Her son’s headmaster was very
supportive:
[He] took him under his wing a little bit and he used to ask him how he
was feeling. (Kathryn)
The headmaster would also phone to see how the woman and her daughter
(who did not attend that school) were doing.
Another school was very supportive when one young girl started
displaying behavioural problems and then refusing to attend. Again, they
were clear about the role of the domestic violence in causing the young girl’s
problems.
As one mother pointed out, school can be the one constant in children’s
lives when the violence disrupts their home and social life.
I managed to keep them in the same school, I wanted to keep them there,
they were happy at school. And I think school was the one thing in their
lives at the time that was a safe continuity, something stable. The school
were aware of everything that happened and they were very
understanding and supportive. (Alma)
Thus, schools have a crucial role in emotionally supporting children
experiencing domestic violence. Repeated moves to escape the violent man
often meant that children were unable to stay at the same school. In one
family who took part in the research, the children had attended four
different schools in two years. As well as disrupting their academic career, it
was not always easy for children to adapt to new schools, particularly when
they had to start midway through a term. Feeling that they stand out as the
new boy or girl added to children’s pressure when they were already
struggling with the stigma of domestic violence and the upheaval of having
moved to a new area leaving extended family and friends behind. Believing
that their teacher understood and was available for them to talk to meant a
lot to children in this position.
Three young people reported that they had received a lot of support
from their teachers but had wanted more practical help.
One teacher had approached a young girl and asked her if anything was
wrong. The young girl had not admitted that anything was wrong as she
wanted to keep school and home separate, and not ‘overload’ the two. But
her teacher handled it sensitively and the young girl eventually opened up.
And one time she said, she … we sat down and spoke about it and from
then on she was all right, because like when I was late for school or when I
was a bit distressed, she’d look after me. (Mona, aged 17)
Jackie felt very strongly that her schoolwork had suffered but her teachers
noticed and were supportive.
Well, my coursework and schoolwork collapsed like and teachers
obviously picked up on that and they understood why and they just kept
telling me, like pushing me saying, ‘Hurry up, do your work’. They made
allowances for me because of what was happening, like let me have a week
or two more than everybody else. (Jackie, aged 19)
However she wanted more practical help.
Well, not support as such, but they understood and like comforted me, but
that wasn’t really, it didn’t really help me a lot because they didn’t really
help me to help my mum, because that’s all I wanted was to help my mum
and the kids, that’s all I wanted. I didn’t care about myself, I just wanted to
help them all the time. But the teachers were all right at the time but now, I
think some teachers, they pay for themselves to go get counselling so they
know how to treat children who have that in the home, but then they
didn’t. So it’s a lot better now than it was back then. (Jackie, aged 19)
Summary
Thirty-five families had contact with schools in relation to the domestic
violence and the majority of these found the school’s response to be helpful.
These mothers and children felt that the school offered emotional support
and were not just concerned with the child’s academic performance. One
criticism that could be levelled at schools, however, is that there was at times
a lack of action on the school’s part, especially in relation to making
referrals to other agencies.
CHAPTER NINE
Health Professionals’
Responses to Domestic Violence
Doctors
Twenty-nine women and children said they had contact with their doctor
about the domestic violence. Fourteen people described their GP (General
Practitioner) as supportive and fifteen felt that they were unsupportive.
Supportive response
When women and children referred to their GP’s response as supportive,
they described an understanding of the dynamics of domestic violence and
being offered emotional or practical support. However, only five of the
women were offered practical support from their doctors. This support took
the form of writing a letter in support of a woman’s request to be rehoused
away from the violent man, and other women were given information about
agencies which could help, particularly refuges. Women said repeatedly that
they had not known where to get help, thus this information-sharing role of
the GP was very important. Two women were happy that their doctor had
referred them to a counsellor or therapist. In one case the woman had
phoned the doctor because her daughter had tried to commit suicide. The
doctor got them an appointment for family therapy the following day.
Women experiencing domestic violence frequently attended their
doctor’s surgery because of stress-related complaints. One woman described
how she had gone to her GP with a number of different stress-related
conditions and her doctor had advised her to call the police for her partner’s
violence. Two women related how they had been frightened that they had
breast cancer but in both cases their problems were a manifestation of the
stress caused by the domestic violence.
Three women described their GPs as being very concerned with their
well-being and as offering emotional support but not any practical advice.
For example, one GP knew from the beginning about the violence that the
149
woman was experiencing. He often advised her to leave, but did not
suggest how she could get help to do that. He would see the bruises on her
but she would make excuses and say that she had fallen over. He said that if
she would not leave he would give her something to help her while she
stayed in the relationship and he prescribed Valium for her.
Similarly another doctor noticed a woman’s bruises when she went for
her six-week check-up after her son was born. The woman initially said she
had fallen over but the doctor challenged this and she admitted that her
partner was violent. In another case the doctor knew about the violence and
kept telling the woman to leave, but as in the other example, he did not tell
her where she could get help to do this. After one occasion when the man
assaulted the woman, the doctor would then turn up at her home
unexpectedly to check that she was all right. When the woman did separate
from her partner her GP gave her sleeping tablets and when her 8-year-old
son became suicidal he prescribed medication to help him sleep also.
The above examples highlight that doctors may not know what to do
when there is domestic violence. Their responses indicated a high level of
concern but the advice they gave was not always appropriate in the
circumstances. While it is important that professionals clearly give the
message that domestic violence is not acceptable, it is not very helpful
repeatedly to tell women to leave without giving them practical
information about agencies such as the Women’s Aid Federation that will
facilitate their leaving.
Two young people said that their doctors helped them to cope with the
domestic violence because they talked to them about how they were feeling
and they listened to them. In one case the doctor realised that the teenage
girl’s physical symptoms were a manifestation of the distress caused by the
domestic violence. He referred her to a psychologist but she felt that she had
received more support from her doctor than the psychologist. Fiona felt
that, unlike the psychologist, the doctor was taking a ‘real interest’ in her.
He asked if there was anything that I was really scared of or that was
worrying me and I said that I don’t like my dad very much, because, like, he
shouts a lot and he’s an alcoholic and he gets upset with Mum, like, hits her
and things. And then he referred me. (Fiona, aged 15)
Unsupportive responses
An unsupportive response from doctors was one where the GP did not want
to know about the domestic violence or made it clear it was not an issue that
HEALTH PROFESSIONALS’ RESPONSES TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE / 151
the doctor felt that he or she needed to address, that is, seeing domestic
violence as falling outside the role of a GP.
Judith went to her doctor when her son was a few months old. She did
not want her son growing up witnessing his father’s violence and she asked
her GP for help. She did not know where else to go. The GP responded by
saying that he did not want to hear what she had to say about her partner’s
violence. After this experience she felt that there was nobody to listen or to
help. Years later the doctor referred her son to the family psychiatry centre
because of his behavioural problems. Judith believes that if the doctor had
given her help when she needed it her son would not later have had these
problems.
A similar reaction was reported by another woman whose GP’s response
to hearing about her husband’s violence was:
He just said, ‘What do you expect me to do about it?’ (Tamsin)
As this woman describes, the impact of this kind of professional attitude

greatly compounds the problem for women seeking help.
I just back-pedalled and felt embarrassed really. Because you don’t know
what you expect them to do, because you don’t know what you expect of
anybody. You’re just hoping that somehow you’re going to solve this
problem. (Tamsin)
Another woman talked about her disbelief at her GP’s insensitive response.
She had initially gone to her doctor to have her injuries recorded and at that
point she did not want to discuss the violence. Later her ex-partner raped her
and she went back to her doctor very distressed.
I was just shaking, I couldn’t speak, I was crying and that was the stage
where I was at. And I told him I’d been raped and whatever and this and I
was having difficulty and I couldn’t go back to work. And he said, ‘What
did he do that for?’ And I just remember thinking, I mean I just got more
appalled by it afterwards that he [said], ‘What did he do that for?’ And I
felt like saying, ‘Well you tell me, you’re a man. How am I supposed to
know? Why are you asking me, why am I responsible for what he did?’
(Sheila)
Trying to maintain some kind of normal routine to their lives can be very
important for women experiencing domestic violence. This may be
particularly true for women employed outside the home. For these women,
managing to hold on to their jobs is very important, not just from a financial
point of view but also because it may be an area separate from the violence in
which a woman feels good about herself. One woman described how she
had managed to hold on to her job at all costs despite all the violence she
was experiencing. At one point she was very stressed and needed to take
time off from work. She went to her doctor for a sickness certificate but she
was not very understanding.
No I never got a supportive response. It started when Seamus was born, I
had postnatal depression for two years after having Seamus and
unfortunately she was one of those doctors that said, ‘Pull your socks up,
come on, just get yourself together,’ you know? ‘You’re just being silly, get
on with it, you’ve got a baby you’ve got responsibilities,’ you know? So and
it started from there. But on the odd occasion that she would take leave,
they used to bring younger GPs in and it was … I think it was one of the
younger GPs that said, ‘These are the agencies that are available to you.
Come on, you’re a young woman, you can do this,’ you know. (Kim)
One woman described how she had to go back to her doctor several times
before he would help her. Her doctor had known about the domestic
violence for some time. When she left her violent partner, her daughter’s
behaviour became uncontrollable. She asked her doctor for help but he told
her, ‘There’s nothing really we can do.’ She then went back to her GP asking
him to refer her daughter to someone so she would get help. He did not.
Then she got so naughty again, and I took her back, and in the end I says to
him, ‘Look, I want her referring to somebody.’ And he didn’t want to do it;
he said, ‘No, because sometimes when children have seen people, like
psychologists, it can go the other way, they would have got over it by
themselves, and it could make them worse.’ (Trudy)
Finally the woman went back and told her doctor that unless she got some
help she would be unable to have her daughter live with her any more. Her
doctor referred her daughter to the child and adolescent unit.
Other women criticised their doctors for not wanting to know about the
violence by, for example, accepting stories of injuries which were plainly
untrue. Some doctors would record women’s injuries on file but never
actually talk to the women about the violence. One woman described how
her weight dropped to six stone. Her doctor asked if she was all right and
she said that she did not eat very much. That was the end of the matter.
Women talked about going to their doctors and saying that they were
depressed and being prescribed antidepressants without any real discussion
about the reasons for their depression. Fourteen women had been
prescribed sleeping tablets, tranquillisers or antidepressants (or a
combination). One woman had been convinced by her violent partner that
she suffered from very bad premenstrual syndrome (PMS) and therefore the
problem was hers and not related to his violence. She went to see her doctor
and was clearly very stressed; while talking to him she was peeling the skin
off her hands. She told the doctor that she had PMS. He acknowledged that
she was in a ‘state’ but did not discuss with her what might be causing her
stress and prescribed her tranquillisers and sleeping tablets. Thus, almost
one-third of women interviewed spontaneously mentioned that they had
been prescribed some form of medication for the emotional impact of the
domestic violence.
Health visitors
Nineteen families had contact with health visitors while they were
experiencing domestic violence. Of these, ten individuals were pleased with
the support they received from the health visitor and nine said that the
health visitor was unsupportive.
Supportive response
Women often mentioned that they spoke to their health visitor because they
did not know whom else to talk to. For example one woman who confided in
her health visitor said that she had spoken to her in preference to her doctor:
Because I don’t want pills, I don’t need pills. I want some help and I don’t
know who to go to. (Stephanie)
When Stephanie spoke to the health visitor about her son’s behavioural
problems, the health visitor spoke to the boy’s school and they made a
referral to family and child therapy. Stephanie’s teenage daughter spoke in
her interview about the fact that following the little boy’s disclosure of
sexual abuse by the violent man, the health visitor was the only professional
who visited the family.
In some cases women also said that the health visitors knew about the
domestic violence but for some time the women were unable to talk about it.
He’d gone to work. I couldn’t let her [health visitor] in because he’d
locked me in. So I had to ring him to come out … I said to her that he had
taken my keys by mistake. I daren’t tell her that he was locking me in. She
knew there was something; she said she was concerned ‘because your
weight’s just going down rapidly, you’re looking very tired.’ I think she
thought I had postnatal depression. I got where I didn’t want to touch [my
baby]. I thought maybe he’s a bit jealous of the baby, not giving him
enough attention and stuff, I ended up with postnatal depression through

it. [The health visitor] came round, and the doctor, and while my husband
was there he said I must rest. Within an hour of them going he dragged me
out of bed, started hitting me, saying, ‘Get this housework done,’ but I had
nowhere to go, I felt trapped really. (Denise)
In this case the health visitor kept coming back and would talk around the
issue of domestic violence. Then one day the health visitor directly asked
Denise if her partner was violent. Denise said no and would not let the
health visitor back into the home. Denise described how not knowing how
the health visitor could help inhibited her from saying anything,
highlighting how women need to know what help is available before they
can ask for that help.
Another woman described how her health visitor would always ask her
how her partner was but the woman pretended everything was fine. Later
the woman went to speak to the health visitor and found her very
supportive, particularly about getting information about support agencies.
Giving women practical advice about sources of support for themselves
or their children was the main thing that women rated as positive in relation
to their health visitors. Another important point about health visitors is that
by coming into the home they see things that other people are unaware of.
For example, one woman said her health visitor knew about the domestic
violence and
was pleading for me to leave for ages. (June)
She described how the health visitor would come to the home and see the
violent man
in the raw. (June)
The health visitor wrote the woman a letter of support for her request to be
rehoused away from the violent man. Following the move, the woman had a
new health visitor whom she described as
brilliant. (June)
and who put her in touch with a local support group.

Generally then, as well as providing emotional support, health visitors
were valued for providing women with information about how to access
help from a variety of professionals and voluntary groups. Unusually, one
woman who described her health visitor as supportive said that she advised
her not to contact social services. The woman felt that the health visitor
thought she could cope better than she could.
Unsupportive response
Of the nine women who were unhappy with their health visitors, the most
common criticism was that the health visitor visited only very briefly after
the baby was born so they did not feel able to say anything about the
violence. Other criticisms focused on the health visitor not being aware of
the dynamics of domestic violence. For example, in one family the health
visitor knew about the man’s violence but would try to counsel both the man
and his partner together. As the woman said, the emphasis was on the two of
them working it out together, not on helping the woman who was
experiencing the violence. Another mother, whose baby had feeding
problems, said that she felt the health visitor was judging her as a bad mother
and she was frightened that her children would be removed.
All they can see is I’m this mother who can’t feed her children. They’re
going to think I’m a terrible mother. (Danielle)
She talked about how the health visitor never asked her how she was or
asked about the relationship, so she did not feel she could confide in her. As
Danielle’s story illustrates, women may have similar fears concerning health
visitors as they do of social workers, namely that they will remove the
children. For a number of women this meant that they were too frightened to
reveal the domestic violence, even when the health visitors asked about it
directly.
Accident and Emergency departments

Ten women attended Accident and Emergency (A&E) departments because
of the injuries caused by their violent partners. Six of these women did not
see the response of A&E staff as helpful.
Supportive responses
Four women were happy with the response they had received from A&E
staff, and that was because they took the domestic violence seriously and
tried to help the woman. When one woman explained to A&E staff how she
had received her injuries, they called the police and would not allow her
husband in to see her. Another woman had initially been taken to hospital
because she had tried to commit suicide. When she was asked why, she said
she had financial problems and the staff believed her. Later her partner broke
her nose and took her to hospital the following day. Staff knew from her
injuries that she had been assaulted and pleaded with her to tell them. The
woman felt that there was no point:
If the police can’t help, what can you lot do? (Denise)
She did feel, however, that they were very sympathetic.

Bernice described how she had first been to the hospital when she was
pregnant and later when the baby was born. One of the nurses approached
her and directly asked whether she was experiencing domestic violence.
When I went in twice with the baby, the second time she actually sat down
and said, ‘I’ve got a fair idea of what’s happening but it’s up to you to tell
me.’ And I did actually tell her and she said, ‘We can get you help but I have
got to have your permission,’ but I wouldn’t give her permission. Because if
I got outside help while I were still in that relationship, it were more grief
for me, a lot more trouble for me at home. (Bernice)
When she came back to the hospital again with injuries caused by her
partner, she was too ashamed to tell the medical staff how it happened. It
was not until she had already involved the police and was back in A&E for a
final time that she admitted that her partner caused the injuries.
The six women who reported A&E staff as unsupportive did so because
they felt that they did not want to know about the domestic violence and
thus did not make the woman feel as though she could tell them the real
reason for her injuries. Others felt that when they had told, the medical staff
just ignored what they had told them.
Camilla described how she had suffered a very serious injury when her
partner had punched her in the face and knocked her down the stairs so that
she banged her head on a concrete post. At the hospital she and her
ex-partner told conflicting stories about her ‘fall’. None of the staff tried to
find out the truth even though the woman had a handprint on her face.
Camilla’s contact with A&E staff illustrates the importance of giving
women the opportunity of being seen without their partners present.
They asked me who had did it and I said it was my husband and he came in
with me and they sat there and said, ‘You do realise what you have done to
your wife.’ And he said, ‘Yes, and I am very sorry,’ and in front of him they
asked me if I wanted to take action. If they had asked me without him
being there, I would have said yes but when they asked me if I wanted to
take action, they [violent men] sort of look at you and I said, ‘No, no.’ I
daren’t. I think that was the worst bit, they could have taken me to one
side and said, ‘You don’t have to go back to him, do you want to take
action?’ I’d have done it definitely. (Camilla)
This man subsequently hit one of the children with an iron bar and they took
the child to A&E. Camilla told them what had happened. They spoke to the
man but did not make a referral to social services. Later Camilla was taken to
hospital again after an assault and this time she told them that she did want
to take action. She described what made the difference for her on the last
occasion:
I couldn’t see because both my eyes were that puffed up I couldn’t even
tell if he was there or not. And when they asked me who did it, because I
couldn’t see whether he was there or not, I didn’t care anyway, so I told
them! But if I had been able to open my eyes and look at him and he had
seen me, I couldn’t have told them anything. I think it was just because I
couldn’t see him if he was there and I said, ‘Yes it was him,’ and they asked
me if I wanted to take action and I said, ‘Yes.’ (Camilla)
Camilla pointed out that none of the hospital staff offered her advice
regarding support agencies except for one nurse who suggested they go to
marriage guidance.
Women described how they lied about their injuries because they were
never given an opportunity to explain what really happened or they felt staff
would not understand.
You just make up some sort of story; it comes off the top of your head as
you come in the door. Not once did I get offered any help … You never
felt as though you could, it was just a case of them doing their jobs, stitch
your head and then go home. (Deirdre)
Sometimes even when women asked for help, they did not receive any. For
example, one woman said that she had been to A&E several times for injuries
caused by her partner. Once she had to be given a tetanus injection because
he had badly bitten her. She was never asked how she got the injuries. She
asked for help but was told that the hospital could only look after her
wounds. Not surprisingly, she feels that A&E staff do not bother about
domestic violence.
They would say, ‘Do you want us to report this to the police or is it a
domestic?’ And once you say it’s a domestic they just don’t bother. (June)
It is not just A&E staff who need to be aware of domestic violence. Women
and children may have contact with a number of medical personnel who
need to recognise that domestic violence may underlie the presenting
problems. Danielle described how her baby stopped feeding due to the
tensions caused by the domestic violence. Nobody asked the mother how
she was or what she thought might be contributing to the baby’s feeding
difficulties. Instead she felt that she was being judged as an inadequate
mother. The baby was eventually hospitalised and while there a nurse said
to the woman:
You know it’s OK to actually admit you don’t like your children. (Danielle)
On a more positive note, one woman with a disability told her consultant
about the domestic violence and found him very supportive, particularly
with regard to a dispute over the children’s residency.
Mental health professionals

Ten families had contact with mental health professionals: five with
psychologists, four with psychiatric services and one with child guidance.
Psychologists
Three families who were seeing psychologists saw them as being
supportive. One child was seeing an educational psychologist because of his
behavioural problems at school. Another family was having family therapy
and in the third family the children’s father requested that the children see a
psychologist because of a dispute over contact. In this case the psychologist
agreed with the mother’s concerns about the father’s contact.
The two families who were unhappy with the response they received
from the psychologists highlighted their lack of awareness and
understanding. One mother said that the psychologist did not understand
the implications of the domestic violence and she also gave the impression
that she thought the woman’s daughter had fabricated the allegation of
child sexual abuse against her father. Not surprisingly in this situation, the
daughter herself reported that the psychologist was not at all supportive.
I found it hard to talk to her, like sometimes I did feel she was like
[thinking], ‘What on earth are you going on about?’ After a while my mum
sort of threw my dad out and I was, like, it was just after that had happened
and, like, I was really scared that he was going to come back and whatever.
And she [the psychologist] said, ‘I think you should stop like being so silly
and irrational’ kind of thing … [I felt] a bit betrayed really because like you
sort of like expect to be able to trust her and everything. And like you’d
expect like that she’d believe in you kind of thing. But like, you just feel
like she’s against you instead, it just causes more problems. (Fiona, aged
15)
The other family unhappy with the psychologist’s response was one of the
families who had witnessed the woman being stabbed to death by her
ex-partner. The mother felt that the psychologist concentrated on the
woman’s daughter whereas it was her son who had witnessed the killing.
Then the psychologist kept cancelling appointments so they did not go
back. The woman referred to the psychologist as a
waste of time. (Marcella)
Her son also felt that the psychologist was interested only in his sister, and he
talked at length about how he felt that the psychologist should have been
aware that due to the trauma, he was unable to understand what she was
saying to him. He needed her to use simpler language.
Like talked more as if I were a lot younger than what I am. Say like be
able to explain it easier, because of like build-up of stress it does, you
don’t take it in properly, you know. And it would have been easier to talk
more, not as hard to understand and stuff like that. Easy like talking to
younger people and stuff like that, you know you talk not as
complicated. (Stuart, aged 14)
Child guidance
At the time of the interviews one child was attending child guidance and the
mother and child were happy with the service particularly as the child’s
behaviour continued to improve.
Adult psychiatric services

Only one woman who had contact with psychiatric services felt that they
were supportive. This woman had spent years trying to get her children back
from her ex-partner and in the process had ‘a nervous breakdown’. She
attended group therapy at a psychiatric unit and found it very helpful. In
addition to the therapeutic input the staff would role-play court hearings
with her so that she was better prepared for the difficulties which arose in
the course of contact hearings. Later in the proceedings concerning the
children, the report of the guardian ad litem referred to the woman as being
mentally unstable. The woman contacted the psychiatrist who had treated
her and he was very supportive.
The psychiatrist, when he wrote the letter for the court hearing for the
children, said that the only reason I was there [the psychiatric unit] was
because of the children, because of what had happened to the children and
there was no danger if the children were returned to me. His letter to the
court said he’d never met a more competent woman. (Cheryl)
The three women who were unhappy with the psychiatrist’s response
generally described a lack of commitment on the psychiatrist’s part to
building a therapeutic relationship so that the issue of domestic violence
could be addressed. There was also a criticism of psychiatrists who
addressed the presenting problem only, for example, suicidal ideation, and
prescribed antidepressants and in-patient treatment without addressing the
underlying problem of the domestic violence which was causing these
symptoms. Camilla described how, after she had separated from her violent
ex-partner, he had pleaded with her for a reconciliation. She said that she
would consider returning only if he got help. The GP referred him to a
psychiatrist. Camilla described the consultation:
And he only went once. But I think the psychiatrist was totally crackers
anyway. He sat there and he smoked one cigar after another, and had this
chair on wheels, and he sort of went from one room to the other and back
again, and round and round and you couldn’t concentrate. And he just kept
saying, ‘Well why do you think you do this?’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘OK, do you
want to do this?’ ‘Don’t care.’ ‘OK.’ You know it didn’t do any good
whatsoever, and then he suggested we tried marriage guidance. And that
was it, off we went, we walked out of there, and my husband said, ‘Well that
was a load of crap, I ain’t going back,’ and that was it. So that was the only
help that we actually got offered. (Camilla)
Summary
Women and children who experienced domestic violence frequently
attended their doctor’s surgery because of stress-related complaints.
Families were almost equally divided between those who thought that their
doctor was supportive and those who did not. Supportive doctors offered
emotional and practical support such as telling women about refuges. They
also challenged women’s explanations for bruising when they were trying
to cover up the man’s violence. Unsupportive doctors made it clear that they
did not want to know about the domestic violence. Of concern is the
apparent readiness of doctors to prescribe some form of tranquillisers for

women experiencing domestic violence without offering any advice about
sources of help. Health visitors were generally seen as being supportive
especially as they offered practical advice about what to do and where to go
to get help for the domestic violence. At times, though, health visitors were
perceived as a threat in that they might play a role in removing the children
if they learned of the violence.
Most of the women who had contact with Accident and Emergency staff
felt that they were not sympathetic and that they did not want to know about
the domestic violence. Excluding child guidance, women and children
mostly did not feel that mental health professionals acknowledged the
domestic violence and its impact.
Overall then, of all the health professionals whom women and children
had contact with, health visitors were seen to be the most supportive.
CHAPTER TEN
Refuges and Counselling Services
Refuges
Twenty-three families had stayed in a refuge at some point. By far the
majority of women who stayed in refuges saw it as a very positive
experience.
I mean they’re not ideal places, they’re not. However, compared to where
I’d just come from, it was a godsend you know it was … I was quite happy
there, the women in there were nice. And I mean like I said, I was there for
a number of months and they, I mean I saw a lot of women coming and
going, and it was a nice friendly place as well. Everybody mucked in, and
the kids were happy, there was a playroom there and all. It wasn’t ideal,
but it was better like I said, than where we’d come from.(Kathryn)
Making the decision to go into a refuge is often viewed by women as a last

resort.
It was just a month of abuse, and then like he bust my nose again in
September two years ago, I had two black eyes, both my ears were all black
and blue, purple and everything. And that’s when I came to the women’s
refuge because I couldn’t take any more of it. (Janice)
Women frequently said that they had received more support from refuge
workers than from any other source including family and other
professionals. Women referred to the refuge workers as the only people they
had to turn to and one woman emphasised that if she had not gone to a
refuge she would have ended up going back to her violent partner.
Clearly, emotional support was very important for women living in
refuges but women interviewed for the study also highlighted the
importance of the practical advice they received from workers. When fleeing
from the violence women were faced with having to take a number of
practical steps very quickly and were confronted with a baffling array of
forms to be filled in. Women appreciated being guided through the
163
formalities of legal proceedings regarding their children or in pursuing a

case against their ex-partner, or divorce proceedings, finding a school for
the children, finding a family doctor, getting crisis loans, filling out benefit
forms and applying for housing.
Sally said that she felt coming to a refuge opened up opportunities for
women that they had previously been denied.
A lot of women, they go through a lot of domestic violence at home but
they still have ambitions you know! It’s not that they don’t want to go out
there and do things but because they are suppressed by what’s going on
around them, it’s so hard. So coming to a place like this [a refuge] I just felt
all free and I could do what I wanted to do. (Sally)
She hoped to be able to go to college.

Camilla spoke at length about how conditions in refuges had improved
greatly over the years. Her first time in a refuge was in the early 1980s. At
that time, Camilla said that the refuge offered shelter but no real support
and women were sent back home after a couple of months. She said that she
was put off from going to a refuge again but in 1994 she returned to a
refuge and found it very different.
1994 was the second time I went into a refuge and that was completely
different. We had backup from social services; they had their own
children’s counsellor, which was a great help, because then everything
didn’t come back on me. Most of the time in the refuge I think most of the
women felt guilty because of what the children are going through rather
than being able to help themselves. So having a children’s counsellor
helped. (Camilla)
In addition to help from the workers, the support of other domestic

violence survivors was seen to be crucial.
I’d never been to refuge before, but I think if I’d have done that the first few
years ago I wouldn’t have been in this situation. I would have had my own
place by now. Because I think being in here, I think everyone relates to
everyone, and everyone talks [about] their own problems here. We sit here
at the night-time and we all tell each other different things and it makes
you stronger and [you] realise you can’t go back to that again. It’s only
when you hear other people as well and knowing how much it does go on,
and there is a life away from that sort of thing and you can cope on your
own, that it makes me feel, well I’ve been here six weeks now but I
definitely wouldn’t go back again, never in a million years. I know I’ve got
REFUGES AND COUNSELLING SERVICES / 165
to wait a long time to get a house, but I am prepared to wait for it. But I
think this has done me a world of good coming here, because obviously
it’s really, really helped us, having the help. (Vivien)
As expected, women reported that refuge life was not entirely without
problems and the main difficulty reported was the communal living. Women
emphasised that they really appreciated the support in the refuge but living
with so many other families in such close proximity and often for quite
lengthy periods was not always easy. Another factor that women found hard
was being cut off from family and friends.
Two women described their time in two non-Women’s Aid Federation
refuges and their experiences clearly indicate that although a safe place is
crucial, it is not the only issue in helping women and children to escape
violent men. Danielle said that the refuge she stayed in was run by a charity
and that there was no counselling provided or in fact even any basic
awareness of domestic violence. She described the workers as ‘just wardens’
and outlined their role:
You always felt this feeling that you were being checked up on and under
surveillance was what I felt. Oh I can remember this one really poor girl,
she had five children and she was in there and they said they thought she
ought to have one of her oldest ones taken away for a while and they
actually arranged for this child to go in care. They seemed to have this
authority to ring the social worker up and get the child taken into care.
(Danielle)
When Danielle’s ex-partner traced her to the refuge and came to the door,
the workers said to her:
‘He just wants to talk about your children.’ (Danielle)
and encouraged her to see him even though she did not want to.
Bernice described a somewhat similar type of refuge, which had no
workers other than a part-time warden who took rent and maintained the
building.
It were like you were on your own, like a roof over your head when I were
there. I were grateful for that roof ! But that’s all it were. You can look back
and think it were a horrible place to live but it were safe and then you can
think of all these ways that it can be improved. I know a lot of refuges do
have child workers though. And support from counsellors that are
assigned to refuges but we just had a four-bedroom house with a part-time
worker. So it was up to us to like help. (Bernice)
Sadly, three women said that the stigma attached to having to go to a refuge
prevented them from seeking help sooner. Women referred to how they
were surprised at both the level of service they received in the refuge and
how far the reality of refuge life differed from the stereotype.
The first time I went into the refuge was in the early 1980s, I think that’s
what actually changed my life. If I had known that they were there, if the
services were there, I would have used them, but they weren’t advertised,
and I think it was the ‘battered wives’ home’ image that put me off.
(Camilla)
Children’s experiences of refuges

Children generally described themselves and were described by their
mothers as being very positive about staying in a refuge.
It was awkward because you know, you had your own room [at home] and
then you move [to the refuge] and you’ve got to sleep with your mum or
maybe even another family, but I thought it was lovely. It was more of a
family than it was at home. I really liked it. I used to love it when we used to
go in there. (Mona, aged 17)
Over and over again, children emphasised the fact that it was only when
they went to stay in a refuge that they had opportunities to discuss their
experiences, either with other children or with refuge workers.
We used to sit down in the kitchen round the table and used to draw, and
write down what violence we had been through. (Darren, aged 11)
I liked it because there was so many people there and everybody was like
your relatives and I liked it. It was good because then you knew what they
were going through and they knew what you were going through. And
you could talk about it; there was some girls and another boy my age and
we used to sit down and talk about it and they moved out and so did we …
Yes, we do still see them. I cried when I left! I liked it so much I cried!
Because when I was living with [the violent man] I used to bang on the
walls and shout at him and tell him to stop it. Then I used to be scared to do
it then and that was when my anger started coming out, and then I could
talk about that with all the other kids, and they would say how they were
angry and how they were feeling, I didn’t feel out of place. Because when
there is no one to talk it makes you feel like I’m the only one. But when I
started talking to them I knew there was more, and I just wanted to help my
mum more. (Marilyn, aged 15)
Mothers referred to the benefits of direct work with the children in refuges
and some mothers reported that their children’s behaviour had improved
since they had been living in the refuge. Marilyn described how she felt her
behaviour had improved.
But when I moved up here and talking to refuge workers and all the other
kids, got me over it quicker, than what it did in the first place. I started
being naughty because I was always, I started swearing at him [the violent
man] and everything. I got really bad, but it got sorted out when I went, I
was in the refuge, because there was strict rules – shut me up! And that
changed it all. That’s how my behaviour changed, just started getting a
big mouth, and that’s all changed. (Marilyn, aged 15)
Vivien was very pleased with the programme of group work for children
running in the refuge.
Different things, like they are learning to work through their anger, which
you wouldn’t get unless you’re in a refuge. I mean this is where they do it
here. So although you’re being helped on one side they [the children] are
being helped here. It’s brilliant, it’s a six-week course and every week they
work on something different. All to do with their feelings, how they feel.
Because I think a lot of the times kids don’t … no one asks them how they
feel, how they feel about their parents being separated, how they feel
about different things. And obviously you need counselling and also the
kids need counselling as well because they’re depressed and unhappy, and
a lot of time I think the kids get pushed under the carpet. (Vivien)
Going to a refuge meant a big improvement in some children’s lives in a

variety of ways. One mother said that when they went to live in a refuge, her
children had things they never had before, such as toys, because their father
used to break their things. She described how individually they were much
happier in the refuge and could enjoy things together as a family that they
never could before.
Two children who had not lived in a refuge reported positive perceptions
of refuges also. One young girl had, for safety reasons, to live separately from
her mother, who was staying in a refuge. In relation to her mother being in a
refuge she said:
I felt she were in refuge because [my mother’s partner] were hitting her
and that she would be better off there than at home. (Kara, aged 10)
Jackie described how for years, her biggest wish had been that she and her
siblings and her mother could escape to a refuge.
I just felt so angry that I couldn’t help her. All I wanted to do was just get a
suitcase, put her clothes in the suitcase, tell her to come with me, and all the
kids and just go to a refuge or, like, some place for, like, women and
children. But we just couldn’t get away from him. Wherever we used to go,
he used to find out where we were. (Jackie, aged 19)
Children’s only criticism of refuge life was that there should be more
facilities for children (not all had contact with a child worker) and as with
their mothers, communal living was not always easy for them.
It were OK but sometimes, like, it got a little crowded, couldn’t get any
privacy. (George, aged 13)
Camilla made an important point regarding follow-up or outreach work

once the women and children leave the refuge. She felt strongly that this is a
badly needed service but recognised that refuges are not usually able to
provide this service because of the lack of funds.
But it is the funding that is the problem. And nobody seems to take any
notice. Which is a shame really because I think there should be, how can
you put it, some kind of contact after. Because the problems don’t go away
overnight. I mean you move into your house at 3 o’clock in the afternoon,
and 3 o’clock the next morning you’re still awake, there’s nobody – that’s
it, you are on your own. And that’s the children included. So if they
couldn’t talk to me they would have nobody. Up until then the services for
the children were quite good. (Camilla)
Counselling: support received by women
But I just needed somebody … a shoulder to cry on really, somebody who

I know wasn’t just going to stab me in the back or you know, run a mile or
whatever. I just needed somebody to be there for me, you know. (Marina)
Women had contact with a wide variety of counselling services, ranging

from relationship counselling with their violent partners to group work
specifically for survivors of domestic violence. They reported a range of
responses from these services, as this section will outline.
Six of the women had gone with their violent partners for counselling
during the relationship. All of the six were highly critical of this type of
relationship counselling as they felt the dynamics of domestic violence
were not recognised at all. Additionally one woman said:
But I don’t think [the agency] is sensitive enough to issues around

ethnicity and gender at all. And so, I mean what is the point in it really?
’Cause if I’m not going to feel comfortable and they’re not going to think
about it, then it’s not helpful. (Sheila)
During the relationship women had also phoned helplines, usually very
distressed and at times even suicidal. They reported a mixed response from
these helplines. Even accessing this kind of help can be difficult for women
experiencing violence.
I phoned the Samaritans on numerous occasions but I couldn’t actually
get to their office. They kept making me appointments but of course I
couldn’t get out of the house at that point without a good reason of where
I was going. So it tended to be nights that I could ring them once he’d
fallen into a drunken stupor. And at which point they would say there was
nobody there. I’d have to come to them during the day, which was
impossible for me at that time. (Cheryl)
Ten women had gone for individual counselling during or after the
relationship and others had attended groups for women experiencing
domestic violence. However, being able to utilise this kind of support is
problematic while in the relationship because women’s movements and
contacts are generally so controlled by their violent partners. One woman
described how she would lie and say she was going to an evening class so she
could go to a domestic violence support group. Marina described how
following an abortion (which she had been forced to have by her partner), a
counsellor from the hospital came to see her but she was unable to say
anything.
A counsellor from the hospital come out and talked to me and he [my
partner] would sit on the stairs and make sure I didn’t say anything … so
he would have been able to hear everything anyway. And I was supposed
to be sitting there saying how I felt and everything and oh God, I couldn’t
talk. Just couldn’t talk, you know I said that I was fine and I was getting
over it and really I was really broken up inside, I was in pieces you know.
And I had to ring … he made me ring her up one day and said, ‘Look you
stop her from coming here or else.’ So I had to ring her up and say, ‘You
know I don’t need you to come any more, I’m doing all right.’ But inside I
was, ‘What am I going to do? How the hell am I going to go on?’ And I
nearly committed suicide about four or five times since I’ve been with
him. (Marina)
Two women did not find counselling as helpful as it should have been. One
of these women had been hospitalised for depression and although the
counsellor knew about the domestic violence, she did not help the woman
in terms of practical advice on how to get out of the situation. The other
woman saw two different counsellors, and a therapist. The first counsellor
made her feel that she was blaming her violent partner and
It probably wasn’t his fault. (Dawn)
Because of this reaction, she was then unable to tell the second counsellor
about the domestic violence and he wanted her to return to her husband.
When the woman later saw a therapist, the man’s violence was raised but
not discussed; therefore she did not find it useful, as the core problem was
not addressed.
The other women were attending specialist domestic violence support
projects and were very positive about the support they received from these
agencies. Women were particularly enthusiastic about the support groups
run by these projects.
I think somebody to talk to like the [project is] absolutely fantastic, I’d be
lost without them, to be absolutely honest and I don’t miss a week. It’s just
being able to go and talk and knowing that there’s women there in the
same boat and that know exactly where you’re coming from. You know, it
makes a whole heap of difference knowing you’re not on your own. And
things that you feel and you experience and emotions that you have and
you think that you’re the only person that has them. When you actually
speak to other women and they, you know, they know what you’re talking
about. (Amanda)
I think the women’s support group is one of the best things; at the time it
was just like my life line really. They were there for me, they really give me
the emotional support that I needed, I think … Well, I think if I didn’t
stumble on the women’s support group, and I think a lot of women who go
there would say the same, I don’t even know if I would be here now.
(Maisie)
Counselling: support received by children

Children in twelve of the families had received some counselling support
from agencies because of the domestic violence. Two children had been in
touch with a national helpline. One child tried for three days to get through
to the helpline. However, his mother felt that when he did get through to a
counsellor it was very useful for him.
I actually got through for him. But he was on there for about twenty,
twenty-five minutes and when he put the phone down, you could see it in
his face he actually felt better that he’d spoken to somebody really. (Kim)
In another family the violent man found the helpline number when going
through the young girl’s things and it made matters worse. Another young
girl talked about how she had wanted to phone a helpline but the fear of the
man seeing the number on an itemised phone bill prevented her phoning.
Children need to be aware that helpline numbers will not show on phone
bills.
In one family the woman had managed to find counsellors from a
voluntary agency for three of the children, while the youngest went to child
guidance. All the children were very positive about receiving counselling, as
one of the children said:
It’s that she [the counsellor] understands me and Tracy, ’cause she’s been
trained to … to listen like as if she’s been through it before and she’s been
told what it’s about. (Aaron, aged 13)
Now Aaron feels that he understands things more thanks to counselling.

Two children interviewed, both boys, had attended groups run by two
national children’s charities for children who had experienced domestic
violence. Both mothers and the two boys were very positive about these
groups, as one woman said:
I think it does [help]: it’s stirred things up inside him that I think he may
be struggling to deal with. But then I am a firm believer that things like
that can’t be … you shouldn’t bury them. If they are there and you have a
chance to deal with them at an early stage, then they are dealt with and
you can put them behind you and move on away from them. (Lucy)
One of the boys stressed how, although he did not talk much in the group
about his own experience, it was good to hear other children talk about
similar things.
In relation to their experiences of counselling, children stressed the
importance of trust, being believed and being given practical advice.
But with the NSPCC worker, she didn’t focus on Dad that much at first,
like she focused on that I couldn’t sleep and things, and then, like, she’d
like do me a tape with a relaxation, meditation thing on. And then, like,
she’d like she’d go through the oils and found out which oils I liked to put
on the fragrance burner when we had a session or whatever. So that she
would put herself out for me kind of thing, which was like encouraging to
know that she wanted to help. She wasn’t just doing it because it was her
job. (Fiona, aged 15)
One young boy said regarding his counsellor:

He’s the only man I trust. (Terry, aged 8)
A girl who went to counselling for panic attacks and nightmares said:
That was good because she was like, she was really nice, sort of gave me
advice really, I suppose. (Zara, aged 12)
Thus, children clearly appreciated having their experiences taken seriously

and being able to define their needs and work through the issues from their
perspective and at their own pace. If these conditions are not established
then children are unlikely to engage in the process. This was clearly
illustrated by one group of siblings who were attending family therapy with
their mother. They described the process as boring and clearly felt that it
was not something that was at all useful. From their individual interviews, it
was apparent that the children felt that the therapist focused on their
mother and her perspective and that their views were not sought or
acknowledged.
Another young person said that he had been offered counselling before
but at the time he was too much in crisis to be able to use it effectively. In fact
because his mother insisted that he go initially, going to see the counsellor
was experienced by him as added pressure when he was struggling to cope
with his traumatic experiences. He had not been consulted about going to
see a counsellor and acknowledged that he would have liked counselling a
little later when he was not so much in crisis.
Not only is the timing of the counselling important but also how the
service is perceived by children is crucial; that is, is the service seen as
child-friendly and welcoming? Two of the mothers said that their children
had been offered counselling but as it was housed within the psychiatric
service the children would not go. They did not want to be labelled and
were frightened of the stigma attached to psychiatric services.
Summary
Twenty-three families had stayed in a refuge at some point. Women said
that they got more support from refuges than from anywhere else, including
family and friends. The emotional support of refuge workers and other
survivors of domestic violence was crucial, but equally valued was the help
that women received in sorting out benefits, schooling, housing and legal
matters. The main problem with refuge life was the difficulties associated
with communal living.
Children were very positive about their experiences of refuges, especially
in terms of having other children to talk to about domestic violence. As with
their mothers they could find communal living difficult at times, and some
children also felt that there should be more facilities for children living in
refuges.
In terms of counselling women described a number of difficulties in
accessing this kind of support while still in the relationship. Women did not
find relationship counselling useful but were very enthusiastic about
specialist domestic violence support projects. This was particularly so in
relation to the groups for survivors of domestic violence run by these
projects.
Children in twelve of the families had received some form of counselling.
Children appreciated having their experiences taken seriously and being
able to set the pace and content of the work. Building up trust in their
counsellor was very important. Children emphasised the need to make
services accessible, child centred and child friendly.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Legal Remedies?
Currently, the legislation available to women and children to protect them

from violence (in addition to that already referred to in the police response to
domestic violence) is the Children Act 1989, the Housing Act 1996 and
Part IV of the Family Law Act 1996. However, the interviews with women
and children were carried out prior to the implementation of Part IV of the
Family Law Act 1996 so their experiences refer to the previous rather than
the current legislation.
Legal remedies were sought by forty-five of the mothers, making this the
most commonly used method of seeking help.
Solicitors
Women consulted solicitors for a range of situations including divorce,
contact arrangements, injunctions and in bringing criminal charges against
their ex-partners. The major criticism of solicitors was that they did not
appear to recognise domestic violence. Thus, for example, women were
frequently told by their own solicitors that the man had a right to see the
children so the woman should not oppose any application for contact.
My solicitor, he, he nearly got me killed. I made an appointment. I said I
want to divorce him. We filled out all the paperwork and this was before
Christmas and he said, ‘Right now, what do you want me to do?’ And I
said, ‘Nothing until after Christmas. I will ring you and tell you when to
send the papers.’ And he said, ‘Right, OK.’ Three days later, because it was
sheer fluke, I don’t know, but [my partner] always picked up the post in
the morning. And this particular morning he wasn’t there. This big
envelope came through addressed to him and I knew and I opened it and
it was the divorce papers telling him that I was divorcing him for his
behaviour and everything. So I hid those papers away. But had he have
opened them; that particular week was a bad week, you know, and I was
really cross about that. And the solicitor sort of going ahead anyway. But
175
he sort of said that, ‘Women in your situation tend to put it off and put it off
so I was giving you a helping hand’. (Margo)
My solicitor. Oh no. She said really … Well, because basically he’s seen
him [son] every day of his life for nearly eight years, they’re going to give
him contact. And then they’re going to give him staying contact. (Kim)
This solicitor also advised that Kim should give the man parental
responsibility. In two cases women were referred to mediation by their
solicitor. Mediation is generally strongly advised against in situations of
domestic violence because of the obvious power imbalance between the
violent man and the woman (Hester et al. 1999). There are clear safety
concerns for the woman that are created by putting her in that position.
Marina described how she thought her solicitor was
very helpful, she was really good. (Marina)
But then she told the woman that her violent ex-partner had a right to see
the children and to apply for parental responsibility. The woman said that
her solicitor told her:
‘At the end of the day they [the children] are going to want to know who
their dad is, you know.’ (Marina)
Women felt that their perception of the risk to their children from the
violent man was completely overlooked by their solicitors and there was
also no recognition of the danger to the woman in maintaining contact with
the violent man. Instead, solicitors emphasised the man’s rights, rather than
the children’s wishes, and voiced opinions regarding negative emotional
outcomes for the children if contact with the violent man was not
established and/or maintained.
One man told his ex-partner that if she agreed to him having contact
with the children, he would not pursue residency. The woman was very
scared of losing the children and agreed. She feels that her solicitor should
have advised her against it and realised that she was not
in a fit state to make that decision. (Danielle)
Her solicitor told her that domestic violence would not be considered when
making decisions about the children. Another woman said that when she
described the violence she had experienced, her solicitor responded:
Well, that’s not much is it? (Jacinta)
LEGAL REMEDIES? / 177
Thus, in disputes over the children, women were rightly critical of solicitors
who advised the woman from the man’s point of view, that is, advising that
he has a right to see the children, rather than from the children’s point of
view, namely, what do the children want and how can that be facilitated?
On the other hand, women were very positive about solicitors who were
clearly aware of the dynamics of the domestic violence and informed them
of their options – including going to a refuge. Often the most supportive
solicitors were those whom women were referred to by the police or other
agencies who have experience of dealing with cases involving domestic
violence. None of the solicitors appeared to consult the children involved,
however.
Judges
None of the women interviewed discussed having contact with magistrates.
However, it is likely that, in the examples given involving contact orders,
women may in fact have been dealing with magistrates rather than judges.
Only three women were happy with the way judges had handled their
cases. In one case the man had snatched the children and taken them to
Spain. When the man returned to Britain, the judge said that he could not
hand the children back to the woman until she had a permanent address (she
was in a refuge). The judge had a letter written to the housing department on
the woman’s behalf. The woman felt that the case was not taken seriously
until the judge got involved. In the other two cases, the women felt that in
the dispute over contact and residency the judge considered the man’s
violence.
He wanted custody of these and at this time the judge actually asked me,
he said, if I’ve got Andy stood with me, he said, ‘Which parent would he
want to live with?’, so I said, ‘He’d want to live with his dad.’ I answered
everything as honestly as I could and he said, ‘Well, all I can do is thank
you for being candid, but I am giving you the children.’ (Jacinta)
Women who criticised the judges did so because they felt that they had no
awareness of domestic violence or how the woman was feeling.
One judge refused to grant the woman an ouster order against her violent
partner because she would not show him her bruises in the courtroom.
Another judge announced in court in front of the violent man that the
woman was staying in the local refuge. Consequently the man was able to
find her.
As the following quotes illustrate, women felt that they were seen as the
guilty parties, not the violent men.
I went to court in 1994, and what really got me is that this judge said to me,
in court, he said to me, ‘Why don’t you just say no? No, you’re not coming
in, no. Why don’t you just say that?’ And he really gutted me. I was in pieces
by the time he had finished with me. (June)
He made this thing about if I had let him see his daughter he wouldn’t have
got so violent, but I stopped him. So the judge turned round and found him
not guilty. Although there was a girl he had pushed out of the way to get at
me, and she had gone to court as well. They found him not guilty and the
judge said to me, ‘I hope, Mrs [X], that you get things sorted out and you
realise that he is the father at the end of the day.’ I couldn’t believe it. I came
out of there and I broke my heart, and I thought that’s it now, I’ve finished.
I’d never go to the police again. (Marianne)
Clearly, some judges not only displayed a frightening ignorance of the

dynamics of domestic violence but also treated the women as if they were to
blame because of their irrational behaviour.
Injunctions
Consistent with the findings of Barron (1990) that injunctions did not
effectively protect women, overall, women in this study did not have many
positive things to say about injunctions. Specifically their criticism was of
two types: the difficulties in actually getting an injunction and injunctions
not working. Women were frustrated at how difficult it was to get an
injunction. As one woman said:
He [the solicitor] said I’m not to do anything, wait for him to do something;
you know we were waiting for him to literally come here and attack me
before we could take out an injunction or anything like that. (Bea)
Getting an injunction with power of arrest attached was described as being

even harder.
And the law seems to not understand, police don’t seem to understand the
difficulties the solicitors have, or the legal system has, in actually providing
power of arrest, because they keep saying, ‘Oh yes, you can get it with
power of arrest, it shouldn’t be that difficult’. And every time I tried to get
it with power of arrest, I’ve been told by the judge, ‘No,’ and I said to him,
‘So I have to be beaten up, do I? I have to be very physically harmed?’

(Larissa)
Over and over again women described injunctions as not working.

I got an undersigning [undertaking] which is, he actually signed it to say
he would keep away from me and he would be in contempt of court if he
broke it. And he stepped outside of judge’s chamber and broke it straight
away but because I were too scared to go back, I could have gone straight
back in and said, ‘Look he’s broke it, now I need something more than
this’. When I got my second injunction, which lasted for six months, I had
actually moved away by then. Because we had been apart for seven and a
half months, so I couldn’t get that power of arrest. They don’t tell you
what injunctions mean, which to me is wrong. You read it and you think
OK, so if he breaks it he can get arrested and they don’t tell you that it,
you’ve got to take them back to court. If the police have actually seen it,
then police can prosecute because they’ve actually witnessed it. We
actually got him into court, he broke his injunction and so I took him to
court. He attacked me outside the solicitor’s office, dragged me off the
street and round back of offices and attacked me there. Told me that I
wouldn’t walk out of court alive. I didn’t manage to get into court; they set
a date for hearing and between then and court date I actually left. I felt too
threatened to go through with it. (Bernice)
But he used to break the injunction, all they used to do was come and
arrest him for breach of the peace. Apparently that’s all they can arrest him
for, breach of the peace. (Camilla)
But it didn’t stop him sitting outside, or following or phoning me. I had to
get the phone changed. I couldn’t do anything about him following us,
because the injunction said it was to keep him out of our address, but he
wasn’t entering the house if he sat outside and watched the house.
(Stephanie)
As one woman pointed out, violent men know how to ‘work the system’.
Because they are not stupid, they aren’t going to do it while they’ve got a
power of arrest on it. Most of these guys are clued up to the system and
how it works. They can tell you about injunctions and everything about
them. They can tell you that if they avoid being served it’s no good. So
they avoid being served because they know it’s a well-known thing. It’s
not like they are stupid and they don’t know what’s going on. So if it’s got
a power of arrest they will wait till it hasn’t. It only lasts for a certain
amount of time and when he hasn’t done anything within that time of four
weeks that they give the power of arrest they remove that. Then it starts
again, because there’s no power of arrest. All the police can say is, ‘Go on
your way and leave her alone.’ Two seconds later he’s back again – what
good is that? That’s not helping, no. (June)
Generally women felt that the odds were against them and their children
when trying to seek legal redress against their violent ex-partners. Women
spoke of being assaulted by their partners in court while waiting for their
cases to be heard; of being threatened that he would harm the children
unless she dropped the charges against him and of cases – their own and
their children’s – being thrown out by Crown Prosecution Service because
of ‘lack of evidence’. Women talked about how difficult it was for them not
to see justice done but that it was even harder for their children.
If you do something bad and the police arrest you, then they can put you in
prison. That’s how a child sees it. But with him, he’s done all these horrible
things, he’s not in prison, he’s not locked away, he’s [my son] still seeing
him. To him [the perpetrator] is still free and he’s his nightmare and
nobody can do anything about him. (Stephanie)
Women referred to how much courage it took for them to press charges
against their ex-partners. While waiting for a court date, they were left
feeling vulnerable and unsupported, often while being threatened by their
ex-partners.
Because he kept threatening me and because he held me hostage, for four
days, and threatened to do various things to the children, I let the charges
drop. Because I thought no, if he’s going to do that to the kids I’ll let the
charges drop. It was the easiest way out. In a way I wish I had kept on
going, but then if anything had happened to the children, I would have
wished I hadn’t, so I think that was when I had to leave [the area]
indefinitely. (Camilla)
When they do drop charges because of the intimidation and their fear,
women felt that they were then blamed.
One woman discussed how she thinks the court treats women and men
differently. She and her children were witnesses to her friend being killed
by her violent ex-partner who broke into the refuge where they were living.
The man pleaded guilty due to diminished responsibility and the woman
feels ‘he got off lightly’.
He got off very lightly, you know; it’s easy, let’s plead insanity, you know.
And it was obvious, I don’t know how they did it, I don’t honestly, it was
obvious it was premeditated. He’d been sat outside of the house in a van
for hours beforehand. He’d seen us go in and out but he waited ’til it were
dark and he’d brought the knife with him. If it had been a woman that had
done it to a man then you know, and then I look and I think of all the
women on death row and all you know, and I think it’s so, so unjust you
know. But sadly that’s the way. (Kathryn)
Court welfare officers

Of the fifteen families who had contact with court welfare officers (CWOs),
eight of the mothers were unhappy that in writing their report they did not
take the domestic violence into account. The view seemed to be that the
domestic violence did not pose a risk to the children.
Because he wasn’t at that point being violent to Ryan, that because he’d
been violent to me, then that was not the issue. The point was that he
wanted contact with Ryan and he was entitled to contact with Ryan. (Zoe)
Alternatively, some court welfare officers seemed to believe that the fathers’
rights to see the children overrode the need to consider his violent
behaviour.
But the welfare officer who was involved, she said that she’d say that
regardless of what he’s done, he would still have rights to see them,
because at the end of the day he’s their father. I’m thinking, how the hell
can you say that after everything. (Marina)
In another case the court welfare officer expressed an opinion indicating

that the mother’s experience of violence could mean she could be viewed as
a less capable parent.
This court welfare officer come to see if I could cope, mentally, because
they said, ‘Well you’ve been through so much, you could take it out on
your children,’ which really upset me more. (Denise)
This court welfare officer also told the violent man where his ex-partner was
living.
Court welfare officers did not always talk to the children to ascertain
their views, even where the children were of sufficient age and
understanding to do this. Where they did speak to the children, children
reported that they felt all right about that, although one girl said that she
had been worried that the court welfare officer would directly ask her
where she wanted to live and she did not want to be the one to make the
decision.
Summary
Women more commonly sought legal remedies than any other form of help,
but were often not pleased with either the process or the outcome. The
major criticism of solicitors was that they did not recognise the domestic
violence. With regard to settlements regarding the children it was often
reported that they advised women from the viewpoint of the man’s ‘rights’
rather than the children’s wishes or best interests. Supportive solicitors
advised women of all options available to them, including going to a refuge,
and were usually those recommended by the police or other agencies
experienced in dealing with domestic violence. None of the solicitors
consulted with the children involved in this study.
Only three judges were viewed as helpful because they recognised the
domestic violence and its impact. Unsupportive judges were perceived as
demonstrating a complete lack of awareness of domestic violence as well as
treating women insensitively, for example, asking to see a woman’s bruising
in court.
Overall, women were not positive about injunctions for two main
reasons: the difficulties in getting an injunction, especially with powers of
arrest attached and injunctions simply not working to protect them or their
children.
Fifteen families had contact with court welfare officers and eight
mothers were unhappy that they did not acknowledge the impact of the
domestic violence on the children.
In general, legal remedies did not always offer the solutions women
hoped for when they first set the process in motion. Women’s experiences in
this study lend credence to the statement by Hester et al. (1999):
For abused women themselves, finding their way through the legal system
is a complicated and difficult process, crucially dependent on their access
to information, and to effective advocacy and representation. This is still
too often simply a lottery, depending on where they live and their own
financial and personal resources. (Hester et al. 1999, p.67)
PART FIVE
Overcoming
the Obstacles
CHAPTER TWELVE
Barriers to Seeking or Utilising Help
Barriers to women seeking help

Women described numerous things which had, over the years, inhibited
them from seeking or being given help. Usually women encountered a
number of obstacles rather than having to overcome a single difficulty.
Help-seeking is clearly a process and the first step in this process is being
able to name the violence and believe that the violent person is solely
responsible. Women who have for years been told both by their violent
partners and by societal messages that they are to blame for provoking the
violence often struggle to overcome years of psychological and emotional
abuse that has eroded their self-esteem. The effect of this is that women
often come to believe that they deserve the violence.
Attitudinal barriers
Women may subscribe to widely held myths surrounding domestic violence,
such as that only very poor women experience domestic violence or that it
involves frequent and extreme levels of violence such as broken bones. They
may not identify with the picture of the ‘battered wife’ and so feel that they
are not deserving of help. For many, the characteristics of an abused woman
are rigidly and stereotypically defined and if they do not meet those limited
criteria they believe they will not be given help. For example, while Deirdre
was living with Kevin she had considered approaching social services for
help. In fact, she had gone so far as to go into their office. However, in the
office she saw posters regarding domestic violence which she felt gave the
impression that those who experience domestic violence
live on council estates, all the pictures, as if you live on the fourteenth floor
of a tower block. (Deirdre)
Deirdre decided not to say anything and walked out.

Two women referred to people’s racism as individuals and in institutions
and did not want to fulfil stereotypical expectations. In addition they were
185
frightened about what would happen to their partners if they reported

them:
And because we know the history of the black men in prison. Some of us
are wary of the system in that way and refuse to report our partners because
we know they’ll get sectioned or something. (Davina)
Another woman said:

There are a lot of issues around black women and black men in these kind
of relationships because of the racism that exists in society and how that’s
then used. And how situations can be manipulated, and sometimes as black
women how we tolerate more and for longer, because of the racism out
there and how it might be perceived. (Sheila)
Frequently women talked about not wanting to be stigmatised and how this
stopped them looking for help:
Anybody you come across and you say domestic violence, there is so much
stigma to it. You are made to feel that you’ve done something wrong, it’s
like having a disease. So that alone, just sitting there, you feel empty in your
stomach, you just feel gutted that you’ve got to sit there putting up with the
questions and it’s like [they’re thinking] ‘You’re lying or trying to trap me’.
‘Why didn’t you do this then?’ or ‘Why didn’t you do that then?’ And
you’re like, ‘But it’s not like that.’ It’s really hard to explain why you didn’t
get out of it. (June)
In addition, women said they felt that people did not want to know, as the
following quote illustrates:
No one really takes any notice. I mean once he beat me up outside in the
middle of the road. I mean I was on the floor and he was kicking me and
people were stepping over me and walking past. No one stopped. I mean
no one knew he was my husband. No one stopped and did anything.
(Margo)
Such an experience can serve to reinforce the idea that domestic violence is
tolerated and therefore there is no point in looking for outside intervention.
Another woman described how her partner always hit her where the
bruising would not show and she believed that if she wanted to seek help,
she had no evidence to back up her claim. Women also said that they
thought that no one would believe them, particularly in relation to
psychological abuse. They described their isolation and their feeling that
there was nobody they could turn to.
BARRIERS TO SEEKING OR UTILISING HELP / 187
Only one woman said that she did not seek help because she hoped the
man would change:
We have a child and you think it’s all gonna change, but you’re caught in
his web. It’s easier to stay than sort of make a move somewhere else; it is
hard. A lot of the time you stay in the situation thinking it will get better,
because it’s easier than making a fresh start somewhere else. (Vivien)
Other women said that they felt it was their responsibility to keep the family
together and most importantly that they could not deprive the children of
their father. There were a number of beliefs that women held which made it
difficult for them to seek help regarding domestic violence. These beliefs
encompassed not just attitudes about domestic violence but also views on
children’s needs as well as the nature of heterosexual relationships. In
addition, some women feared that they or their children would suffer
because of the stigma associated with domestic violence. Black and other
ethnic minority women had to consider whether they would be exposing
themselves, their children and their ex-partner to racism if they sought
professional intervention. All of these factors were not merely idiosyncratic
belief systems, but rather they reflected more widespread societal attitudes
that affect not only when, where and how women do seek help but also the
type of response they receive from others. For example, Imam (1994)
pointed out that for many Asian women and children, ‘the debilitating
effects of racism may yet compel them to return to the abuse from which they
had striven so hard to escape.’ (p.189)
Practical obstacles
Many obstacles that women outlined were practical ones, which had to be
overcome. As a first step, women and children need information on where to
get help. Not knowing how to get help was a frequent barrier mentioned by
women in the study. A number of women said that they did not know about
the existence of refuges. For example, after years of Marguerite’s
approaching agencies for help, it was only when her social worker witnessed
the domestic violence that she told her about refuges.
She said, ‘Right, for your own safety, I’ll put you in a women’s refuge,’ and
I thought, what’s one of them? So she explained to me then, and I [said]
straight away, ‘Will I be safe?’ and she said, ‘Yeah, they will look after you,’
and that’s the first time I knew about anywhere that women could go.
(Marguerite)
Once women know where to get help, they still physically have to make
contact with that agency and for many women that was almost an
impossible task. Women described two main types of constraints on their
ability to seek help at this stage. First, they were unable to get away from
their violent partners long enough to tell professionals what was
happening. For example, Camilla did go to outside agencies for help once
but when she did not get the support she needed, it meant that it was harder
to be able to approach agencies the second time round, not least because of
the difficulties in getting away from her partner to make the contact.
Another woman wanted to tell the school what was happening but could
not because her partner always went with her; she had to plan for an
opportunity to see someone on her own.
So it was something that I had to plan even when I knew that I needed to
speak to him [headteacher]. It took a lot of planning to be able to speak to
him, whereas otherwise I could have, you know, just had a quiet word.
(Judith)
The second problem that women faced in contacting agencies was being
physically able to get to the agencies they needed to go to, such as solicitors,
the benefits agency or a support group, often without any money. This was
particularly the case in rural areas, where women had to travel many miles to
reach different offices. As well as being physically able to get help, women
had to be emotionally strong enough, as one woman said, ‘to convince’
various professionals what was happening. Women spoke about not having
the money to obtain an injunction that could cost several thousand pounds.
I was convinced it was going to cost me a lot of money to do it, that I didn’t
have. All I could see was, I’ll have nowhere to live, I’ll have nowhere to go, I
won’t be able to keep my job. It’s a vicious circle. I don’t … didn’t as it’s
turned out, I haven’t actually got legal aid for the injunction. I’ve got to pay
that myself and it’s about three grand. I’ve got to find that money. But I
don’t regret having taken that action. I wish, yes I wish it didn’t cost me
three grand but I don’t regret having taken it because Francis is so much
better off without [his father]. I’m so much better off without him, that I
think that’s money well spent. (Judith)
In addition mothers were scared that they would not be able to provide
financially for their children on their own.
Having got to the point of feeling able to contact agencies for help,
women at times found that it was not as straightforward as they had
thought. Seven women said that they had asked for help and been rebuffed,
as in Danielle’s case:
I remember calling the police once then and he was actually put in prison
overnight because he’d threatened through someone else to shoot me.
And I spoke to a policewoman then and she said, ‘Well, you’ve got no
marks on you.’ That’s after he’d kicked me and really there wasn’t very
much I could do about it. Just hope that he would leave me alone.
(Danielle)
Women spoke about being turned away when they asked for help, being sent
from agency to agency, being judged and feeling that professionals were not
interested in helping. One woman described it as a constant battle to get
help for her children:
But it’s like it’s a constant struggle, it’s an absolute battle all the way. It’s
like everybody you speak to and it’s, ‘Well, what do you want us to do?’
‘Well, I don’t know, you’re supposed to be the professionals. I don’t
[know] … I just know I need some help.’ (Zoe)
Thus, women’s fears about how agencies may react to their request for help
may unfortunately be confirmed. Other difficulties that women described
included not being able to get through to helplines and long waiting lists in
order for their children to have counselling.
Fear of losing the children

Having children may effectively trap women in violent relationships,
making it much harder emotionally and financially to leave their partners.
Having the children probably made me stay longer, but it’s like every time
we split up I was pregnant, so I always went back. There was always a
reason to stay and the kids were a reason to stay. I think having them made
us stay together longer. (Jacinta)
Once they have children, one of the most important reasons, if not the most
important reason, why women felt unable to seek help when they were
experiencing domestic violence was the fear that professionals would
remove their children:
And I thought you don’t go to social services and tell them your problems,
not when they’re the people who will take the children away and they’re
showing no sign of being supportive. (Marcia)
This fear of having the children removed meant that women felt that they
could not be honest about the violence. They felt that they were the ones
who would be blamed for the violence and would be punished by losing
their children. For example, Marianne’s first contact with social services
came about when her neighbour contacted them. However, Marianne was
so frightened of the children being removed that she felt she had to deny
her partner’s violence.
Somebody reported Gerry [my partner] for hanging Sian [my daughter]
out of the window, and the social services come and I was covered in
bruises and I said, ‘No, he hadn’t done it’. I lied and that was it. (Marianne)
Jem said that if she had thought that there might be a chance that the
children would be taken from her, she would never have approached social
services and the consequences would have been disastrous:
If I’d known that there was a risk of my children going on the child
protection register, I mean it hasn’t happened, but if there was that risk I
don’t think I would have gone. That would have been something that was
just too negative for me at the time when I wouldn’t have even gone to
social services. I would have just carried on or just flipped in the end and
killed him or whatever. (Jem)
It is vitally important that this fear is not underestimated if women and

children are to be provided with help.
Fear of the violent man

Fear of their violent partner and what he might do to themselves or the
children if he found out that the woman had looked for help also inhibited
women telling anyone about the domestic violence. Women were very
aware of what their partners were capable of doing and needed to be sure
that seeking help would vastly improve the situation, not make it worse.
One woman explained why she could not have taken an injunction against
her ex-partner:
Couldn’t do that with John, you wouldn’t be able to do that. He would just
come in the night and slit my throat. He’s too violent. (Jasmine)
Women often felt that they had to protect family and friends from the man’s
violence. For example, one woman told her neighbour not to call the police
in case the man was then violent to him. Women tried to deal with it by
themselves in case they exposed their family to risk:
To get away from him, I used to go to my mum’s, but it’s taking trouble to
my mum’s house then because he’d come there and start, want to fight my
brothers you know. Always going to kill my mum and my family. That
used to make me stay with him a lot because I was scared that maybe he
would you know [harm others], so I used to try and stay, even when I
knew I couldn’t take it any more. (June)
Women talking to family about the domestic violence

Only seven women reported that their family had been aware of the
domestic violence at the time because they had noticed what was happening.
One man phoned his partner’s mother and told her that he had just assaulted
her daughter. However, it was still some time before this woman was able to
talk to her mother about the violence. In the other cases, families had
noticed the atmosphere or had witnessed the abuse or its outcomes.
Women who told their families about the domestic violence usually did
so only after they had separated from the violent man. They often said that it
came as a shock to their family to learn what had been happening.
But up until after we split up, they hadn’t got a clue. They knew he had an
attitude problem and they didn’t really like him, but they never thought
that he were hitting me at all. Shocks me mum sometimes when I happen
to let things slip. (Bernice)
I didn’t really talk to anybody until the day I got him arrested. That is the
first I’d spoken to anybody. (Kim)
As we have seen earlier, many women did not tell their family about the
violence because they tried to protect them both physically and emotionally.
The largest single group were those women who said that they did not
receive a supportive response from their families when they told them about
the violence (23 women).
One group of women reported that their parents reacted in some way as if
they were let down by learning about the woman’s experience of violence.
In these cases women said that their families made them feel that they were
disappointed in them. Other families reacted angrily; for example one
woman said that her parents were very angry with her for having married
and having children with her ex-partner when he had been violent before
they married. Her getting a divorce also embarrassed them. Two women said
that they knew that their fathers would not have wanted them to be hurt, but
it was clear that their fathers would have preferred if they had stayed in the
relationship.
He wouldn’t have wanted me to be hurt but he probably doesn’t
understand emotional abuse. And I think he thinks that it would look
better if I would stay with him [my ex-partner]. Like I have a child from
him and a family and all that and she’s broke up from him and now and oh
the shame, you know, that kind of thing. I think he still thinks that, which I
find very kind of hurtful you know, that he would want me to go back to
that. (Maisie)
Bernice also described how hurt she was by the fact that her father had not
initially believed her.
It wasn’t until me dad saw him drag me out of car when I were going into
hospital that he said, he snapped me dad, he said, ‘Everything you told me
is true, I just didn’t want to believe it’. And it were a big jolt for me dad. So
that were really hard for him to accept. (Bernice)
Four women discussed how hurt they were when their mothers did not
support them.
But all she would say was that kids need their father, and she didn’t really
listen. Which I was surprised, angry and shocked at. I thought she would
understand. But as the years have gone by, she sort of seems to be a bit more
understanding, she’ll listen a bit more now. (Rita)
I even asked her [my mother] for help. She wouldn’t give me it, she didn’t
want to know. She used to say to me, ‘You’ve made your bed, you lie in it.’
(Marguerite)
Family was often the first place women turned to for help. When they were
rebuffed, they felt that they had to deal with it alone, that they could not ask
anyone else for help.
At times families could not understand why the woman would leave but
keep going back to her violent partner. One woman could not cope with
her family’s frustration at her going back, so she cut off communication
with them. Another woman found that her mother stopped speaking to her
because she always went back to the violent man.
My mum said, ‘That’s it, Deirdre, I wash my hands of you now. I’ve tried to
convince you that he’s no good, you keep running back. If it’s going to take
me to stop talking to you, then that’s what I’ll do.’ And she hasn’t spoken to
me for two years now. (Deirdre)
Some women said that both their own and their partner’s family knew about
the violence, but they did not want to accept that it was happening or talk
about it.
Everybody knew what was going on but nobody wanted to accept it,
nobody wanted to talk about it. My mother least of all wanted to discuss
it. She knew what he was doing, but she never actually said, ‘Oh no,’ or ‘Is
it true?’ or anything. His mother knew what was going on, but I don’t
think she wanted to accept it. I mean, she lived right at the back of us. She
once said to me, ‘Hit him over the head with a big pan. If you kill him, I’ll
stand up for you in court.’ And that was as far as it got really. (Jacinta)
More than one woman reported that their families were actually supporting
their violent partners rather than them. As Camilla describes:
I went into the refuge and my parents had put my husband up. So no, they
weren’t very supportive. I think that happened several times. Every time I
left my husband, I had to go and stay with friends because they would put
him up, and they actually came to the refuge and begged me to go back
with him. They saw the bruises. They actually told him the address of the
refuge so that he could come and see me. And so no, my parents were
never very supportive at all! (Camilla)
Supportive response
Ten women said that they had received a supportive response from their
families.
I mean they’ve been brilliant, all my family, they have been really
supportive with whatever I’m going to do. And they said that I’ve really
made the right decision now, and they will help me and they’re always
round to help me sort of thing, so I know I’ve done the right thing.
(Vivien)
Families offered both emotional and practical support. One woman had not
had much contact with her family, but got in touch with them after a
particular violent assault and they were supportive. Another woman had
been disowned by her family when she got married, but once they learned of
the violence they were supportive. However, women did find that although
their families may have been supportive, they often did not acknowledge the
emotional abuse suffered by the women.
But I think a lot of people don’t see anything other than physical abuse as a
reason for leaving home, so they assume that he used to beat me up. But he
didn’t. Never. (Carla)
June had experienced domestic violence in a previous relationship and at

the time was unable to tell her family. When it happened in a later
relationship, however, she told them everything.
I think they more understood why my hands were tied and why I couldn’t
get out. And I had a lot of support from my family, just trying to get away
from him, but even though everyone was scared as well, it wasn’t just me
that was scared, they all were scared too. (June)
Families offered practical support by giving the woman and children a place
to stay when they left, or when they needed a break. One woman’s sister
would look after her children when she was hospitalised for extended
periods. In other cases, family (usually fathers and mothers) would
intervene to try to stop the violence. This usually meant that they would talk
to (or threaten) the violent man in an attempt to make him stop. Finally,
families offered support by physically helping women and children escape
from the violent man.
Women talking to neighbours about the domestic violence

Neighbours were often the first to know about the domestic violence, either
because they heard or saw what was happening or because women or
children went to them for help. Women described a range of responses from
neighbours, from not wanting to know to intervening physically to try to
stop the violence.
Most of me neighbours knew what were happening but didn’t want to
know. It weren’t their problem. They didn’t want to get involved, which I
can understand. If I was getting threats to having me windows put in just
for noticing things, I think I would have turned a blind eye as well.
(Bernice)
Some neighbours would call to check on the woman after an assault or call
the police. They also offered a place of safety for the woman and children to
run to. One woman’s neighbour gave her the phone number of the local
Domestic Violence Unit and actually phoned them and told them to expect
the woman.
At times women believed that without their neighbours’ intervention,
they would not be alive.
There was this woman, Susan, who lived next door. If it wasn’t for her
actually hearing me crying, calling out murder at the door, when he was
getting ready to bash my head in, I could have been dead, you know.
(Davina)
Overall, women frequently felt that neighbours should be more involved,

particularly by calling the police. Women said that neighbours should not
try to ignore it and pretend that it had nothing to do with them.
Women talking to friends about the domestic violence

As with family, frequently women are able to tell their friends about the
violence only when they are ready to leave the violent man.
I started to tell personal friends and work colleagues, but only when I
decided that I was going to get out. While I was in, it was still something I
didn’t want to talk about. So only recently. (Leah)
Most of the women who told their friends about the violence found that they
were very supportive.
She’s there to listen to me and whatever my decision is, she’s supported me
all the way through. But when I went … when I told her and said to her
that I was taking him to court, she was ready to come with me and hold
my hand in court and make sure I did it, if I wanted her to. (Judith)
One woman found that her friend was the only person who believed her,
that everybody else was ‘fooled’ by her partner’s social charm. Others
reported that their friends were aware of the violence and rather than wait
for the woman herself to broach the subject, raised the issue of the domestic
violence. In this way they were responsible for encouraging the woman to
leave.
But my friend said, ‘Well, you gave it a go but you can’t stay in that
relationship because he’s gonna kill you. It won’t get any better; you know
it’s getting worse. And he’ll either injure you seriously or injure one of the
children.’ (Stephanie)
In a similar situation, another woman denied the violence when her friend
asked her. She had been refused help from her mother and consequently felt
that she could not admit it to her friend.
Some women found that their friends were also experiencing domestic
violence and they would emotionally support each other. One woman said
that she eventually left her violent partner after her friend went to stay in a
refuge. Her friend persuaded her to come to the refuge to think about what
she wanted to do and once there, the woman decided not to go back.
In addition to offering emotional support, friends provided practical
assistance such as letting the woman and children stay with them once they
had left the violent man and helping with childcare. In several instances, the
women’s friends also became targets of the man’s violence. It was not
uncommon for violent men to isolate the women from their friends. One
woman described how her ex-partner tried to rape her best friend and tried
to have her other friend’s partner beaten up. Thus, the woman lost the
support of her friends. Some men resented their partner’s friends and would
use the women’s visits to friends as an excuse to trigger a row.
I had a good friend and she was quite helpful in that she was there for me,
but at the end of the day he resented her. He resented the relationship I had
with her. So that caused a problem in itself. So even though she was there
for me, it caused problems in that sense. (Maisie)
At times women’s friends physically intervened to stop the violence.

And she were actually physically helping me by fending him off. She did
actually hit him one day when he stormed into her house, and she stood
and took some blows for me as well. She’s got in between us. (Bernice)
A small number of women found that their friends would not help them.
These women talked at length about how hurt they were to discover that
the people they considered friends did not understand and in fact blamed
them for the men’s violence.
But where I could never talk to them because they’ve got no understanding
whatsoever. It’s like, ‘All your fault, you should move out.’ But if you move
out you’ve got nothing, no money, you lose your home, everything. Other
people say to uproot but it’s not as easy as that. So really I had no one to
talk to. (Vivien)
Lucy had been physically attacked in front of some male friends and was
very angry that they had not done anything to help.
On one occasion there was three blokes in there, all of whom I knew and I
considered friends, and none of them interfered or intervened. They said,
you know, it’s difficult to know what to do between man and wife. I was so
angry with them. (Lucy)
Barriers to women talking to family and friends

about the domestic violence
The most common reason that women gave for not seeking informal help,
particularly talking to family and friends about the violence, was that they
were embarrassed or ashamed.
I never used to tell anybody. You’re ashamed of it. I do now. Given up
lying for him, I’m not doing that any more. (Kim)
It’s also that you’re so ashamed of it and it’s also drummed into you that
somehow it’s your fault and you’re a failure. I didn’t tell anybody except
my best friend. (Alma)
Women were afraid that they would be judged or seen to be bad mothers or
that it would affect their job if people knew. Some women were clear that
they had coped by denying the extent and meaning of the violence, which
meant that they could not say anything about it. This was particularly true in
relation to talking to their children.
Ralph never really saw anything at that point and Shirley was still very
young and I suppose by not talking to her about it, I could pretend it never
happened. Obviously she did know. (Cheryl)
For me I justified it by saying it was a new relationship, that it was because

he wasn’t used to kids and under pressure from work. You can justify it in
all different ways so you can say it’s not a problem, it’s just a minor hiccup;
even though you’re sat there with your face busted to hell, it’s still a minor
hiccup. (Bernice)
Some women who had left their violent ex-partners said that they could still
not really talk to their children about what had happened because they did
not want the children to have to relive it.
I think it’s reliving it, because you’ve all gone through it together before. I
think it’s actually reliving it all with them. I can talk to them to an extent
but I sort of clam up. I still find it quite difficult to talk about a lot of things
with them. (Jacinta)
Other women said that they felt their children were trying to protect them
by not talking about it, and when the violence was happening the women
were too focused on day-to-day survival to discuss it.
I think, because they couldn’t really come to me and tell me what was …
how they were feeling and what was going on for them, because I was too
busy surviving and trying to keep them going. So … and it was as though,
the impression I got from Sabrina is, ‘Mum’s got enough to worry about,
without this.’ (Margo)
As well as fearing the consequences for others if they told them about the
violence, women were also very afraid for themselves if they spoke out.
Particularly in the early days of the relationship women emphasised that
they had been in love with their partners and felt loyal to them. One woman
said that she had been brought up with very strong religious beliefs, which
dictated that marriage was for life. These beliefs were shared by her family
and her close friends, which meant that she could not say anything to any of
them. Finally, some women were so isolated by their ex-partners that there
simply was not anyone to tell other than seeking formal intervention.
Children talking to mothers about the domestic violence

Only three children said that they did not want to talk about the domestic
violence. All of these children were obviously very loyal to their fathers and
found it very hard to accept that their father was violent to their mother. By
far the majority of children were very clear that they did want to talk about
the domestic violence.
Overall, twenty-one children had spoken to their mother about the
domestic violence while it was happening. In sixteen cases it was the
children themselves who had initiated the conversation. One teenage boy
described how he had started to talk to his mother about what was
happening and they then had family counselling.
However, the communication between the children and their mothers
was not always straightforward. A teenage girl had told her mother that her
father was sexually abusing her, but she felt that her mother had minimised
what she had told her. Her mother realised afterwards that she had not
understood the implications of what her daughter had told her. Another
young person described how her mother had initially denied the violence,
but Marilyn could see the evidence:
I hadn’t heard anything, but I started seeing bruises when she was wearing
her short sleeve tops and there was loads and loads of bruises and she’d get
black eyes. (Marilyn, aged 15)
Tracy said that she had talked to her mother sometimes about the domestic
violence but she was very aware of her mother’s distress.
Yeah, sometimes we’d sit down and talk, but most of the time she was
crying like. But she wouldn’t, like, sit down and cry, she’d be like tidying
the house and you’d just see tears coming down her eyes, like, not making
no noise or anything. (Tracy, aged 15)
A number of children referred to the fact that their mothers had, in fact, been
the only source of support they had at the time. Children talked to their
mothers about how they were feeling about the violence in an effort to
understand what was happening. However, they also took an active role in
trying to persuade their mother to leave. Children and young people would
directly ask their mother to leave, or question her as to why she would not
leave the violent man. Naomi talked at length about how frustrated she felt
with her mother staying and that when they tried to talk about the domestic
violence, they would only end up arguing.
We’d just get angry about it though. It always ended up in an argument,
because, like, I’d say, ‘Why are you letting him do this. He’s smashed up all
the crockery again, he’s broken anything valuable we’ve ever owned, he’s
ripped all your clothes up so you can’t go anywhere.’ (Naomi, aged 24)
A further five children had talked to their mothers while the violence was
happening, but it was their mothers who had raised the issue. One mother
described how she felt that it was very important to talk to the children and
point out that the man’s violent behaviour was not acceptable. A young boy
had been able to talk to his mother about the domestic violence at the time,
but later felt that he could not talk to her about his concerns regarding
contact with his father. He asked his mother to arrange for him to see a social
worker, which she did.
Six children said that there had been no discussion of the violence at the
time, but the children had really wanted to talk about it. At times children
said that their mothers had talked to them briefly about what was
happening, but that they needed a more in-depth discussion.
She didn’t really have a big chat. I really wanted to know what was going
on. Because some things I didn’t understand and what’s gonna happen
next, and I really wanted to know, but she wouldn’t tell me. She told me
some things. (Rosita, aged 8)
Another child described how she had desperately wanted to say something
or ask questions, but just was unable to. Instead the questions would run
round and round in her mind.
Fear of getting into trouble for raising the issue could also prevent
children from asking their mothers:
I never really spoke to Mum about it, because I didn’t know how she would
accept it. I didn’t speak to my father about it either because I thought he
would go and do something [violent]. (Hannah, aged 15)
Darren described how he had asked his mother about the bruising she had.
She told him that she had fallen. When it happened in the woman’s next
relationship, he said he knew immediately what was happening.
I said, ‘Why is that bruise there?’ and she said, ‘I fell over,’ and then I
remembered about what had happened with my dad, and I instantly knew.
(Darren, aged 11)
Commonly, although children and mothers had not discussed the violence
at the time, once they had left the violent perpetrator, they talked about it
freely. Sixteen children said that since they were no longer living with the
violent man, they could talk to their mothers about what happened and the
children themselves initiated these discussions.
Not until he [my father] were gone and out of way. (Kara, aged 10)
Children were also aware that their mothers were not talking about the
violence in an effort to protect the child.
I think she, she, I think she kind of thought that she was upsetting me.
(Mona, aged 17)
A number of mothers explained how they had made a conscious decision

not to initiate discussions about the domestic violence with their children.
They wanted them to ask about it when they were ready.
I just wanted him to naturally come out of himself and ask about it and then
I’d answer him, which he did. But we really didn’t elaborate on too many
things. (Davina)
It is very important to children that any discussion of the violence is at the

child’s pace. For example, one young boy explained how he talks to his
mother about the domestic violence but that sometimes he feels that he is
not up to talking about it.
Children mostly felt that having left the violent man, they could now
talk very openly with their mothers about the violence. This usually
reflected a concerted effort on the part of the woman and her children in
building their new life free from violence. Open communication within the
family, about domestic violence and other issues, was clearly seen to be
crucial. One young boy said:
I let out all my feelings [to my mother]. (Damian, aged 9)
Another young girl described how talking to her mother about the violence
resolved the issues for her.
It just makes me feel like I’m getting things through to my mum and I can
now forget about something now. (Shauna, aged 7)
Children and young people stressed how important it was for their mothers
to explain about the violence once they had left.
Question: What’s it like now being able to talk to your mum about it?
Answer: It makes me feel happy.
Question: Why is that?
Answer: Because I know what’s happening, what happened there.
(Seamus, aged 10)
Frequently children were able to tell their mothers about abuse that they had
suffered themselves only after they were no longer living with the
perpetrator. For example, one violent man had made his stepdaughter eat
raw liver. Her mother described how she eventually began to talk.
We’d gone in the butcher’s and Sabrina said, ‘What are we getting, Mum?’
and I said, ‘Liver,’ and she just freaked out and she was on her knees
begging me, ‘Please don’t buy it.’ So I just brought her straight back here
and when she told me, I phoned my mum. And my mum said, ‘I know, she
told me a couple of weeks ago.’ And I was, oh I was hitting my head
against the wall; I mean that is so sick and disgusting and she didn’t tell
me, because he used to say stuff to her like, ‘It’ll only cause an argument
between me and your mum’. (Margo)
Another young girl had been sexually abused and because the perpetrator
threatened to harm her mother if she told, she was silenced. However, when
the young girl saw her mother assaulted by a group of men acting on behalf
of the perpetrator, she was frightened into telling:
And it was like he was playing a mental game with her, ‘I’ll beat her
mother up and then she won’t tell’. But it [witnessing the assault] done the
reverse, she did tell. It frightened her that much she told. (Leila)
Once children and their mothers had left the violent man, children were not
always able to talk to their mothers because they felt that they must protect
them. The examples that children gave of this scenario fell into one of two
types. Children felt that their mothers were making a new life and that it
would be too painful for her if they started opening up old wounds, or they
were experiencing problems to do with contact with their fathers but felt
that telling their mothers would create additional pressures for the mother.
Sometimes it brings memories back and I don’t like to upset my mum
bringing memories back. (George, aged 13)
It’s just that sometimes when I go there [for contact] and he [my father]
does things, I need to tell someone about it and I can’t just go and tell my
mum because it puts more pressure on her and makes her feel upset.
(Regina, aged 9)
Children talking to extended family about the domestic violence

Extended family can have an important role in supporting children
experiencing domestic violence. Grandparents in particular were viewed by
children as an important source of support. Children frequently told
grandparents about the domestic violence in the hope that they would be
able to stop it or help the woman and children escape.
But they could like, help you get away and talk to you like, say how you can
get away from it without being scared. (Sabrina, aged 10)
In some cases children made a point of telling grandparents about the

violence when their mother was trying to cover it up.
She said [to her grandmother], ‘Because Daddy put Mummy’s head in the
sink, all her nose was bleeding. We went up the hospital, the police have
been round, I’m frightened of my dad because he shouts at Mum all the
time, banging doors, my mum’s always crying’ … And I was gonna cover
up for him, again. (Vivien)
The experience of a number of children was that grandparents did

intervene, especially by talking to their parents to try to ‘sort it out’. One
teenage girl said that she felt phoning the police was not an option but she
would call her grandparents to come and mediate.
I used to go and phone my nan or his mum … I never used to phone the
police. I used to phone some member of the family that would, I thought
would come and mediate. (Mona, aged 17)
Mona was one of the young people who used grandparents and other
relatives as a place to escape to away from the violence, sometimes even
going to live with them:
My nan’s house was my safe house. That was the one place that I could go
and I knew, ’cause I was with my uncles and aunties, I knew that I was safe
there. He couldn’t trouble me there … I don’t know why, I just classed that
as my safe house. (Mona, aged 17)
Although grandparents were generally viewed as being very capable and

able to take action to protect children, at times they were also seen as
vulnerable.
I never told my nan, because I didn’t really want her to know. I don’t
know why. Just in case it would hurt my nan to know that my dad was
hurting my mum. (Darren, aged 11)
Where there were already tensions between the violent man and other
family members, children said that they did not tell extended family in case
it made the situation worse. After grandparents, children said that they were
able to talk to their aunts and uncles.
Talking to siblings about the domestic violence

Siblings were an important source of support for children experiencing
domestic violence.
Yeah, me and my sister, we used to lay awake at night talking about it all
the time. (Marilyn, aged 15)
Children emphasised that siblings understood how they were feeling

because they shared the same experience of domestic violence. In addition,
siblings, being close in age, shared a similar worldview.
I think because adults think differently to children so it’s easier for
children to talk to people like friends or maybe cousins or brothers and
sisters, but hard to talk to adults because their minds are different in a way.
(Sheena, aged 12)
Older children clearly felt responsible for physically and emotionally

protecting young brothers or sisters from the violence.
Because I didn’t want to tell him [my younger brother] the truth, because
it will like get him all upset and that. (Rosita, aged 8)
During the assaults on their mother, younger children would go to older

brothers or sisters for comfort.
He’d just cry and I’d have to sit and cuddle him and sometimes he’d start
coughing and being sick and stuff. (Regina, aged 9)
Sometimes, older children felt the pressure of trying to support younger

siblings in addition to dealing with their own emotions concerning the
violence.
I went to talk to her [my older sister] about it. She said no. And I said why
and she said because it’s too sad. (Paul, aged 6)
In a minority of families, the children and the adults seemed locked into
silence around the domestic violence so that although it went on for years
and all the children were aware of it and distressed by it, nobody within the
family discussed it. However, the more common trend was for children to
discuss it among themselves.
Children talking to friends about the domestic violence
I had my friends to talk to and that’s all I needed to talk to. (Sheena, aged 12)
From children’s interviews it was clear that, with the possible exception of
their mothers, friends were their main source of emotional support. Over
and over again children referred to talking to their friends about the
violence and feeling better.
I feel more happier when I talk about it, than keeping it inside. It helps
because they know a bit what I’ve been through and they know what me
mum’s been through and it helps me a lot. (Kara, aged 10)
Yeah, because I had like one friend that I would do everything with, told
her a bit about it and she listened but then that was it, and I had another one
that would sort of listen to it all and help me through it and stuff. (Laura,
aged 14)
The most important thing children referred to in deciding to discuss the

domestic violence with their friends was whether or not they felt they could
trust them. Specifically, children needed to be sure that their friends would
respect their confidentiality and not tell others.
I’ve talked to my friends, but I told them to keep their mouths shut, like, I
didn’t exactly say it like that! I said, ‘Oh please don’t tell anyone,’ and they
said, ‘Fair enough, I won’t tell anyone,’ because they are my best mates
and they won’t tell anyone. (Rosita, aged 8)
Children had two main concerns with regard to confidentiality. First, they
did not want everybody knowing what they considered to be their private
business and making them feel ashamed or humiliated. Children were
clearly very aware of the stigma concerning domestic violence and did not
want to be judged or stereotyped.
Because they’ll tell all other people and I don’t want my business to go
around to everyone. (Glenda, aged 9)
Second, children were frightened that if they told others what was
happening, the violent man would get to know they had been talking about
it and it would cause even further trouble.
So we’d talk occasionally but I was too scared of what to say because if it
ever got back I knew that I’d be the one that got in trouble. (Mona, aged
17)
Domestic violence is still very much a taboo subject and it was difficult for
children to initiate discussions about it, particularly as they could feel
disloyal to the family by talking about it outside:
We were brought up to think that nobody was to know about this. This
was within our family unit. Anyone who says anything outside the family
unit is a traitor or whatever. (Naomi, aged 24)
Because of the difficulty in talking about domestic violence, but spurred on

by their need for emotional support, children did talk to their friends. It was
clear from the children’s interviews, though, that they were able to talk
about the domestic violence only on a very superficial level. In these
situations children would tell their friends that they were upset because their
parents ‘had a row’ but would not discuss the violence. Others would be very
matter-of-fact about the violence, refer to the fact that it was happening but
be unable to discuss how they felt about it.
Another way children coped with this dilemma was to confide only in
friends who were going through similar experiences.
There is one or two of my friends at school have had the same thing
happen as well, so now I have got them to talk to as well. (Mona, aged 17)
Hannah described how she had only recently been able to tell her friend
about the violence. Her friend was now also experiencing problems and this
was why she had decided to tell her. Beforehand she had felt that her friend
would not have been able to understand.
I only felt comfortable telling her because she was actually getting
problems of her own. And I didn’t want to add to them or anything but,
we’ve always been there for each other since … because, like, she could
help me through anything and she knew that the feeling was mutual and I
could help, so … (Hannah, aged 15)
On the other hand, a young boy said that he was unable to tell his friends
about the domestic violence. He suspected that they were having a similar
experience and did not want to upset them by talking about what was
happening to him.
On the whole, children will often approach friends first for support. One
young person said that he did not see the point of talking to adults about it
when he can talk to his friends. Another young boy explained that if friends
were too young to understand, it is important that children talk to adults.
The implications were clear that talking to peers is very often the first choice
for children. Children were also very clear that friends could meet their
emotional needs but that they needed adults to provide practical help, to
‘sort it out’.
Barriers for children talking about the domestic violence

Children gave a number of reasons why they were unable to tell anyone
about the domestic violence. The most common reason given was fear.
Children were generally frightened that they would get into trouble if their
parents, particularly fathers, found out they were telling people about the
domestic violence. Children were sometimes afraid that their mother would
be cross if she knew they were talking about it. However, the most common
fear reported was that the violent man would hear that the child had been
telling people about his violence. Children were afraid of being beaten if
this happened.
And I was always scared, like I would say to [my teacher], ‘Don’t tell my
dad because if he finds out I don’t know what will happen then.’ (Hannah,
aged 15)
Sabrina explained that she could talk only to her mother and grandmother
because she did not trust anyone else not to tell her father.
They would start telling [the violent man] that I had told how I feel and
then maybe [he] might start hitting me too and I was scared. (Sabrina,
aged 10)
Again, in terms of seeking formal help, the main barrier that children
identified was the fear of making it worse:
But I was always really scared of telling anyone of that authority where I
knew they could do something, and in a way I really wanted to tell people
like that, but in another way I was scared of, like, would they get the
backlash of his temper if he found out. That’s the main reason why I didn’t
tell anyone. (Hannah, aged 15)
The usual situation envisaged by children was that they would tell someone
in authority, such as a teacher, who would then either confront the violent
man or pass on the information to someone else such as the police; the man
when confronted would deny the allegations; the person would leave the
home, the man would be furious that anybody had said anything and would
be violent to the mother, children or both. Even if a more sensitive approach
was taken by the person whom the child told, children still feared that the
violent man would find out they had told somebody. One young girl who
had been sexually abused by her stepfather was terrified that he would kill
her if she told anybody anything of what was happening at home.
I did think about running away sometimes and ringing ChildLine or
whatever. But I knew that if he ever caught me, I hate to think what he
would do. Which is why I was scared to do it. I was scared to tell my mum.
I told her not to tell anyone because I knew what would happen. Well, he
told me that if I ever told anybody he would kill me. And he probably
would have. (Shirley, aged 16)
Children also referred to the fact that even after they were no longer living
with the abuser, they were still scared to talk about it in case it somehow got
back to him and they would have to move again in order to escape.
Related to the fear of making it worse is children’s fear of not being
believed or of what they said being dismissed.
So sometimes I’d maybe think it wasn’t worth talking to anybody ’cause
they might not believe me. (Fiona, aged 15)
Children appeared to feel that if it came to a situation of their word against

the violent man’s, he would be believed, not them. Young people were often
aware of how ‘normal’ the family as a whole and the violent man in
particular appeared. Children feared that they would then be perceived as

being naughty or causing trouble.
Children were very much aware of the stigma surrounding domestic
violence and this clearly inhibited them from talking about what was
happening. Children talked about being embarrassed by the violence.
That’s not an everyday thing. And therefore you know that makes you
different, so that everyone else is going to see you as different. It’s
embarrassing; it’s just really embarrassing because I know they’re sitting
there thinking ‘Oh’. Do you know what I mean? It makes me feel below
people, because, I don’t know, it just makes me feel below people. (Mona,
aged 17)
It was just my dad beating my mum up that was different, and I just knew
that it was different really, because people didn’t go round beating people
up, especially mums and dads. But I just felt a bit embarrassed really
because, like, not many people get their mums beaten up by their dads.
(Zara, aged 12)
Even quite young children were aware of the stigma surrounding domestic
violence and were anxious that they should not be made to feel different. A
young boy explained how he could not tell his best friend about the
violence in case he told his mother, who would then no longer be friends
with the boy’s own mother. It suggests that even young children are aware
of society’s need to blame the victim. Children did not want people talking
about the family and they did not want to be stereotyped. Children often
talked about how difficult it was to explain and they were afraid that their
friends would not understand. This was particularly so if they viewed their
friends as having a ‘perfect’ life.
Yeah, it did upset me, but I thought it was nothing to do with anyone else.
Like, most of my friends at school, their lives are like perfect. They’re, like,
only childs [children] and everything so they don’t really bother about
anything like that. (Tracy, aged 15)
Related to the notion of stigma, children at times felt that it was a family
secret and that it should not be discussed outside the family. In some cases,
children were specifically told by the perpetrator not to say anything to
anyone outside the family. In only one family had the mother specifically
told her child not to discuss the domestic violence. This woman explained
how this was an attempt on her part to prevent both herself and her child
being stigmatised. More often, children had sensed a prohibition against

telling people about the domestic violence, as illustrated by Shauna:
I sort of wanted to [talk about it], but I didn’t because my mummy didn’t
want me to tell anybody.
Question: Is that what she said to you?
Answer: No.
(Shauna, aged 7)
Leah talked about how her daughter clearly felt guilty when her friend told
Leah that she knew about the domestic violence.
She [my daughter’s friend] said, ‘I knew this happened anyway, because
Jane had told me before, haven’t you, Jane?’ And Jane looked at me very
apologetic and said, ‘I’m sorry,’ and I told her it didn’t matter. I was glad
she was talking to somebody. (Leah)
Talking about the domestic violence could be emotionally distressing for

children. However, only three children said that they had not been able to
talk about it because it was too distressing.
Upset, it just reminds me of the horrible things what he does to her.
(Glenda, aged 9)
In the interviews children raised two salient points in relation to

communicating about domestic violence, particularly in terms of discussing
their experiences with adults. First, children referred to not having the
necessary language skills to discuss the domestic violence.
Because sometimes they ask you words that you didn’t know, like really
long words. (Theo, aged 9)
It’s the words that children use…it makes it hard for the mothers to
understand. Yeah, and all the time when my mum is speaking to me, I
have to say what does that mean, what does that mean and all that. (Don,
aged 8)
This was true not only for young children but also for teenagers, who
referred to the difficulty in finding words to express what was happening
and how they felt about it. For example, teenagers said that they would say
that their parents had been ‘rowing’ but did not feel able to detail the reality
of their home life any more than this. Second, children felt that adults have a
different worldview from children’s and it could be difficult to bridge the

gap. Children referred to adults having a different understanding of events,
seeing things differently, and that this could hinder rather than facilitate
communication between children and adults.
In the way they see things, I think. Like my mum and me don’t exactly see
eye to eye sometimes. So I’ll say something in the child’s point of view.
She’d tell me off, well not tell me off, but she’ll say have a … we’ll have a
sort of rivalry of her taking the adult’s point of view. (Sheena, aged 12)
In order for children to talk to others about the domestic violence, they first
of all have to define it as a problem or unacceptable. While children may feel
distressed by the violence, having limited contact with other families might
mean that they are not aware that violence does not frame every child’s
experience of home life. In addition, children have to have access to people
they can tell. One teenage girl pointed out that she did not have anyone to
talk to about it outside the family, because the abuser isolated them from
everybody. This was not an unusual situation.
Services not being accessible to children was also a major barrier to
help-seeking. Children, quite simply, just did not know where they could
go to get help. Others talked about how their movements were so restricted,
they could not seek support without the abuser finding out. For example,
one young person said he did not have a phone at the time so was unable to
call either the police or ChildLine. Another young person talked about how
the violent man tape-recorded all the family’s phone calls to ensure that
nobody said anything about him. Others talked about not being able to
seek support because where would they tell the abuser they had been? How
would they get an excuse to leave the house other than going to school?
Summary
Help-seeking is clearly a process and women face numerous obstacles rather
than a single one. Women described both psychological and practical
hurdles that had to be overcome. The psychological obstacles they faced
included recognising their experience as being domestic violence,
overcoming their belief in the myths about domestic violence, accepting
that they are not to blame, defeating their feelings of shame and stigma and
refusing to believe that there is no point in seeking outside help. The
practical barriers comprised not knowing where to get help, difficulties in
being able to get to support agencies, a lack of money and being rebuffed by
agencies. Fear of losing their children was perhaps the main reason why
women did not contact outside agencies for help. Women believed that they
would be blamed for the man’s violence and viewed as an unfit mother.
Fear of the violent man was another very powerful reason stopping
women seeking help. Women tried to protect not only themselves and their
children but also extended family and friends. Leaving the violent man did at
times place extended family and friends at risk, as the man harassed others to
find the woman and children.
Most women told their families about the domestic violence only once
they had left the abuser. Their main reason for this was that they were
attempting to protect their family from the man’s violence. The majority of
women did not receive a supportive response from their families and even
those families who were seen to be supportive, at times had difficulties
recognising the emotional abuse that the woman had experienced.
As with family, many women told their friends about the violence only
once they had left. Most said that their friends were supportive, although a
small number of women reported that their friends actually blamed them for
the violence.
As well as protecting family and friends, women found it difficult to talk
to them because they felt embarrassed or ashamed by the violence. Mothers
felt that by not talking to the children about the violence they were
protecting them.
Only three children said that they had not wanted to talk about the
domestic violence and it was obvious that loyalty to their father was the
reason. Twenty-one children had discussed the violence with their mothers
at the time of the violence. While mothers were often the only support that
children had during the domestic violence, communication between child
and mother could be somewhat difficult at times, with each trying to protect
the other. Some children had wanted more in-depth discussions of the
violence or said that their mothers had not talked about it at all.
Fear of the violent man frequently stopped children discussing the
violence with anyone. Once they had left the abuser, children and mothers
often spoke freely about the violence and it was not unusual for children to
be able to tell their mothers about their own experiences of abuse only once
they had left. Children were silenced by the threat that if they said anything,
the perpetrator would hurt their mothers.
Grandparents were seen as an important source of support, particularly in
terms of being able to ‘sort it out’. Talking to siblings was clearly very
important as they shared the same experiences of violence and, being close
in age, had a similar worldview. Older siblings played an active role in
protecting young children both physically and emotionally.
Apart from mothers, friends were the main source of emotional support
for children. Even small children were aware of the stigma surrounding
domestic violence and children were very careful to tell only those friends
whom they knew they could trust to respect their confidentiality. An
important point arising from the children’s interviews is that children do
not have the vocabulary to discuss domestic violence properly and how it
makes them feel. It is the responsibility of adults to enable children to name
the violence and provide them with the language skills needed to discuss
their experiences.
The main barriers for children talking about domestic violence were
• fear of the violent man finding out (this was the most common)
• fear of not being believed
• fear of being stigmatised
• difficulty in talking to adults
• not having anyone to tell
• services not being accessible.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Conclusion
Thresholds of intervention
There are no circumstances under which domestic violence is justified and
yet while we continue to ignore the consequences for women and children,
we are conveying the message that it is acceptable. Women’s and children’s
experiences of domestic violence portray a complex process of intimidation,
control and brutality, whether physical or psychological. Their attempts to
find help show that they cope with the violence in a context of isolation,
desperation and frustration and this is a crucial factor often overlooked:
women and children do find ways to cope with their experiences.
Ironically, having the resources to develop strategies for coping with or
surviving the domestic violence may mean that women and children then
find that sources of support are denied to them. Women who cope may be
perceived as strong and capable and children who do not display overt
behavioural problems may not be identified as being in need of support or
even attention. This may particularly be the case for children who learn to
cope with the violence by very controlled or conforming behaviour. It may
also be true for those who, instead of failing in particular areas as is expected
of children experiencing difficulties, actually learn to survive by excelling in
some way, for example, by escaping into academic or sporting achievements
which leave emotional and relationship stresses unresolved.
This point raises issues not only about thresholds of intervention but also
about how we identify children in need. If services, including advice and
support, are targeted solely at those displaying clearly visible signs of
distress (externalising symptoms) then those who are equally distressed but
not displaying that distress behaviourally (internalising symptoms) may not
be helped. On the other hand, if all children are included in education
campaigns on domestic violence and if information about sources of support
is freely available, children could seek out assistance themselves instead of
being totally dependent on adults identifying them as being in need of
support.
213
Non-physical forms of abuse

As the women and children in the study have demonstrated, to experience
domestic violence means many different things. However, central to all the
forms of abuse that women and children are subjected to by known men is
the total control of all aspects of their lives. Physical violence is an easily
identifiable form of domestic violence. It is, for all that, just one form that
the violence may take and its purpose is usually to reinforce the man’s
control of the woman and children. Both in terms of having their
experiences named as domestic violence and in coping with the impact of
the abuse, women and children referred to the difficulty that people have in
recognising the non-physical forms of abuse. Yet, it was usually the
psychological and emotional abuse that women and children said was the
‘worst’ and which had the most lasting impacts. Mothers and children
described how living with a violent man meant that they had to be
constantly alert, always waiting for the next abusive outburst. This constant
anticipation is clearly an ongoing source of stress for both the women and
children, never knowing what each day may bring. Attempting to quantify
violence as episodic ignores the cumulative build-up of stress and anxiety
which women and children experience as they try to cope with the
unpredictability of the man’s behaviour.
Children described witnessing all forms of violence to their mothers,
including sexual violence. They also witness the non-physical forms of
abuse; this is an aspect of their experience that is often minimised. Children
need opportunities to describe the entirety of their experiences and it
should not be assumed that it is witnessing only physical abuse that may
traumatise them. For example, threats to kill the mother may be
experienced as being equally as or more traumatic than seeing their mother
being hit. It is the context of the abuse that is important and children need
to be able to define that for themselves.
Domestic violence and child abuse

Although the numbers in this study are small, the findings confirm those of
earlier studies which indicate that men who are violent to their partners may
also abuse children living in the household. This may be particularly the
case in terms of emotional abuse of the children (quite apart from any
adverse emotional effects of seeing their mother abused). Domestic
violence must be seen as a possible indicator of risk to children. It is vitally
important that the source of that risk is clearly identified and that any
CONCLUSION / 215
intervention does not further threaten and therefore alienate the

non-abusing parent.
Children who have been forced to become involved in the abuse of their
mother carry the burden of guilt about their involvement. They may not be
able to see clearly how they were coerced to behave as they did, or be able to
attribute responsibility to the violent man. It is not unusual for children to
blame themselves for the violence to their mother, especially if they have
witnessed assaults apparently triggered by disagreements over childcare.
When they feel themselves to have actually been involved in the abuse of
their mother, how much more responsible do they feel? It is very important
that children are given the opportunity to express their feelings of guilt and
responsibility without these feelings simply being dismissed or ignored.
Thus, the available evidence indicates that the abuse of children and the
abuse of their mothers frequently coexist. Where one form of abuse is
perceived to exist, the presence of the other needs to be sensitively
established or ruled out, as appropriate. In any case it must be recognised
that children living with domestic violence are clearly children in need and
they and their mothers merit support.
In responding to the needs of children experiencing domestic violence
we must not rigidly apply set formulae, for example, placing children on the
child protection register for emotional abuse, without ascertaining if there
are other ways of offering support. It is also crucial that a comprehensive
approach is taken which works with children and their mothers together
while recognising that they also have separate and individual needs.
Barriers to help-seeking
In order to start seeking help, women have to recognise that what they are
experiencing is domestic violence and that it is not acceptable. Many women
themselves believe common myths about male violence and the first step in
seeking help is to be able to let go of these beliefs. Women frequently
referred to not wanting to be stigmatised by telling others about the
domestic violence. They also referred to their belief that nobody would be
interested and those who had been assaulted by their partners in public
without anyone intervening certainly had very concrete reasons for this
belief. Allied to this is the fact that women frequently said that they actually
did not know where to go for help, they did not know which agencies to
contact or how to go about getting information or advice. There is an
obvious and immediate need for better advertising of services for women
escaping domestic violence. The revised Working Together recognises that:
many families fear that revealing their problems will lead to punitive
reactions by service providers. Promote a positive but realistic image of
services to encourage and enable people to gain access to the help and
advice they need. Families need information on how to gain access to
services and what to expect if and when they approach services for help.
(DoH, Home Office and Department for Education and Employment
1999, p.11)
Apart from not knowing where to get help, the main reason inhibiting
mothers seeking formal help for the domestic violence was the
overwhelming fear that their children would be removed and, as we have
seen, this fear was then manipulated by the abuser. If professionals are to
work productively with women and children experiencing domestic
violence, it is imperative that the first step in this approach is to recognise
women’s abiding fear that telling a professional about the domestic
violence will result in the removal of her children. Over and over again
women said that this fear had stopped them contacting agencies for help, or,
if they were involved with an agency, they tried to hide the domestic
violence.
This fear appeared to be felt most acutely with regard to contact with
social services but also extended to other professionals seen to be in
authority such as doctors, health visitors, police or teachers. In effect, this
meant that women felt unable to approach anyone for help and tried to cope
with the violence by themselves. The most important thing for all women
was keeping their children and they were prepared to cope with the man’s
abuse for years in order to ensure that happened. As we have seen, women
commonly believe that the children are unaware of or unaffected by the
violence, so mothers perceive that the only ones suffering are themselves. In
fact, realising that the children are at risk, physically, psychologically or
emotionally, is one of the commonest reasons for women leaving violent
partners.
The main reason that children gave for not talking about the violence
was fear of the violent man. They were afraid that telling someone could
make the situation worse and put them and their mothers at greater risk.
There was also a fear that they would not be believed and an awareness that
their voices carry little weight. Children were acutely aware how easily they
could be dismissed and even blamed for trying to cause trouble.
After mothers, friends were the main source of support for children
experiencing domestic violence. Children were very careful with regard to
which of their friends they talked to about the domestic violence.
CONCLUSION / 217
Specifically, they chose friends they could trust to respect their

confidentiality. Children are very aware of domestic violence being the
‘family secret’ and a number of children talked about how they felt that they
would be betraying their family to tell others what was happening. For this
reason they did not tell anyone.
In terms of seeking formal intervention, children did not know whom
they could go to for help. In those instances where they did know of an
agency that might help, children did not know how they could make
contact. Services are simply not accessible to children. Adults who need help
are often baffled over where to go; for children it is much more difficult.
Even the most accessible services such as helplines are not very easy for
children to contact. They often do not have the privacy at home to make a
phone call without being overheard by the violent man. They also spoke of
not being able to get through to helplines and also their fear that the number
would show up on a phone bill. Advertising of free phone helpline numbers
needs to make it clear to children that the number will not be itemised.
Why is help not forthcoming?

Earlier research has highlighted how women have to seek help on numerous
occasions before that support is forthcoming; this study also found that both
women and children did not always initially receive the assistance they
needed. The type of response that women and children receive appears to
reflect a complex interplay between the following factors:
• individual attitudes about domestic violence
• agency commitment to domestic violence training
• existence of policies and procedures on domestic violence
• agency willingness to accept ‘ownership’ of the area.
In society at large, many myths still abound about domestic violence,
particularly as to the ‘type’ of family within which violence can be found.
Women frequently are blamed for ‘choosing’ a violent partner or for
‘provoking’ physical violence by their ‘nagging’ and for ‘failing to protect’
their children. They are also blamed for not leaving as if, first, leaving is the
only option available, and second, as if this can be achieved in one
trouble-free move without need for external assistance. Domestic violence is
commonly perceived as a woman’s problem exemplified by the ‘battered
wife’ rather than the battering man.
It is then expected that individuals can eschew these popular beliefs
when operating in a professional capacity and provide appropriate assistance
to women and children experiencing domestic violence. Why do we

assume that professionals should be able to do this without any domestic
violence training; a work environment which facilitates discussion and
exploration of the intricacies of this area; a supportive management which
enables the man’s violence to be confronted or clear procedures to guide
the structure of the work?
To respond to domestic violence in both proactive and reactive ways
requires close cooperation between all local agencies that have contact with
women and children. In order to achieve that close cooperation, joint initial
and ongoing training is crucial not only to raise awareness of the issues but
also to clarify areas of individual and shared agency responsibilities so that
best practice can be achieved. This does not just apply to crisis intervention
but to the whole area of prevention, which has, to date, largely been
neglected.
What kind of support is needed?

Attention must be focused not just on what help is given but also on how
that help is provided. This is particularly relevant in terms of the pace of the
work or the intervention and applies equally to supporting women and
children. Women and children who are experiencing domestic violence
know the risks they face in seeking help better than anyone else. It is crucial
that women feel that they are in control of decision-making about what to
do to ensure their own and their children’s safety. Having sought help,
women may need a period of reflection to decide the best action to take
once they are aware of the options available to them.
Children also need to progress at their own pace. Although children
clearly want action taken to end the violence, they need to know what steps
will be taken and what the implications of each step will be. It is vitally
important that children are not made false promises of confidentiality and
also that any intervention deemed necessary from what the child has said is
planned in consultation with the child and the mother (where appropriate).
If decisions are imposed on women and children by service providers, the
outcomes might not necessarily be safe or positive. MacLeod (1999),
examining calls to ChildLine regarding sexual abuse, also cautions
professionals, ‘Don’t just do it,’ and argues for a more flexible response that
incorporates discussion with the child in question.
Not all children who experience domestic violence want or need formal
intervention. What they do want, however, is for the violence to stop and
the opportunity to talk about their experiences, whether that is with a
trusted adult, a professional or other children. Peer counselling is an
CONCLUSION / 219
approach that has been used with children in relation to bullying (Sellors
and Brown 1996) and bereavement (Quarmby 1993) and could be an
approach that might benefit many children experiencing domestic violence.
Schools-based peer counselling on domestic violence would be accessible to
children, as would a telephone peer counselling service.
In terms of more traditional counselling methods, children need to be
able to choose when they can avail themselves of counselling to their best
advantage. Children who are not ready for any form of counselling may
regard the obligation to attend a weekly counselling session as an added
burden at a time when they are already struggling to cope, whereas they may
feel more able to participate in the service some time later. Only two of the
children interviewed had been offered group work for children who have
experienced domestic violence and this was in fact the type of support most
wanted by children. In Canada and the USA more attention has been paid to
the development of group work programmes than in the UK. Mullender
(1994a, 1994b) and Hester et al. (1999) have outlined such programmes. In
addition, Peled and Davis (1995) have written a detailed manual for
practitioners on setting up and running groups for children who have
experienced domestic violence. It is hoped that more attention will be
directed towards the setting up of such groups in the UK.
Over and over, children in this study spoke of their need for practical
information about where to get help. Children also emphasised that schools
are a place where such information could be available.
Perpetrators and parenting

And what of the perpetrators? Is it good enough that the yardstick of their
ability to parent is the presence or absence of direct physical violence to their
children? The answer can only be no, it is not good enough: children deserve
more. While a mother’s role encompasses all aspects of the care and
protection of her children, the father’s role is often perceived to be fulfilled
simply by his mere presence in the family or in the child’s life. It is interesting
that these men appear confident that their own parenting skills are above
reproach and have no fear of the consequences of others learning about their
violence.
The quality of the parenting ability of violent men should be scrutinised
more closely. When considering the perpetrator of domestic violence in his
capacity as parent, the guiding consideration should be how the child is
benefiting from the present or proposed arrangement. This is particularly so
in relation to decisions about contact.
Where it was possible and safe for the children, women went out of their
way to facilitate contact between the children and their father. Women were
very conscious of not turning the children against their father and felt that
the children were entitled to make their own minds up about seeing him. It
is crucial, however, that the dangers to women at times of contact are not
overlooked. As this work and a number of research studies have
highlighted, women continue to be abused in the context of contact visits
(Abrahams 1994; Hester and Pearson 1998; Hester and Radford 1996).
Communication
This study raised important issues about how we communicate with
children about domestic violence. From children’s perspectives it is
apparent that we are not giving them opportunities to communicate about
their experiences of domestic violence. There are a number of strands to this
theme. First, children want domestic violence to be raised as a topic located
within general discussions, for example, in schools within the context of
bullying or relationships. Second, children want to talk about their own
experiences of domestic violence; they want to talk to their family, their
friends, concerned adults as well as professionals whom they have contact
with, such as teachers or those working within the area of health. Third,
children want access to counselling, particularly group counselling. They
want to be able to access this counselling themselves and they want to have
choices about where and when to avail of the service. Fourth, we need to
furnish children with the concepts and language to discuss domestic
violence. There are a number of resource packs available for communicating
with children, such as Turning Points (NSPCC, Chailey Heritage and DoH
1997), and some which specifically address domestic violence, for example,
STOP (London Borough of Islington 1995), The Respect Pack (Morley
1999), I Wish the Hitting Would Stop (Patterson 1990) and Home Truths
(Leeds Animation Workshop 1999). In addition, there is a training pack
available for professionals working with those experiencing domestic
violence, Making an Impact (Barnardo’s, NSPCC and University of Bristol
1998).
A salient finding to emerge from the children’s interviews is that
children simply do not have the vocabulary to talk to their friends and
others about domestic violence. They might be able to tell their friends that
their parents had a ‘row’ last night, but clearly do not have the words to
describe what really happened or how it made them feel. Children referred
to wanting to discuss the violence more, but just not knowing how to.
Domestic violence is still very much a taboo topic and this is particularly so
CONCLUSION / 221
for children. Without adults having the courage to talk openly about
domestic violence, it is unrealistic to expect children to break the taboo,
especially when we do not furnish them with the concepts or language to do
so. When adults cannot talk openly and honestly about children’s
experiences of violence, it reinforces both the stigma surrounding domestic
violence and the notion that it is a shameful secret that must remain within
the family.
In order to communicate we, as adults, have to face our own fears about
talking with children about emotive topics such as domestic violence. If we
refuse to accept that it is a problem which affects us all and do not seek to
increase our understanding of just what domestic violence is, then we cannot
hope to help those children who are already experiencing domestic violence
or prevent it happening in the future. Not discussing domestic violence with
children does not protect them from trauma; instead it prevents them from
finding support to deal with the pain of domestic violence, either currently
or prospectively.
Most mothers involved in the research said that, at the time, they
believed, first, that they were successfully protecting the children from
knowledge of the violence, and second, that where children were aware of
the violence they were too young to be affected by it. Once they had left the
relationship, mothers could see that the children had been aware of the
violence and were affected by it. Mothers frequently expressed their surprise
that children had remembered violent incidents from when they were very
young. As part of their attempts to protect the children, women generally
said that they had not talked to the children about the violence at the time,
but once they had left they were more willing to talk about it. The majority
of mothers felt that it was very important to talk to children about their
experiences of domestic violence, both to communicate the message that
domestic violence is wrong and to provide children with an opportunity to
express their feelings. Mothers expressed their confusion over how best to
talk to their children about their individual and shared experiences of
violence. Women were very clear that they wanted information about the
effects of domestic violence on children and that they needed guidelines on
how best to communicate with children about it.
It was very clear from both children’s and mothers’ interviews that it can
be very difficult for them to start talking to each other about the domestic
violence. Apart from each wanting to protect the other, it can be difficult to
be honest about how they feel. Mothers may feel ashamed that their children
have witnessed them being hurt and degraded and children too may feel
embarrassed at having seen their mother in this position.
Despite the difficulties, it is extremely important to children that at some

point they are given the opportunity to talk to their mothers about the
domestic violence. There are issues of their shared history of violence and
of making a future together as a family that can be dealt with only as a
family unit. There is a real and urgent need for mothers and children who
have experienced domestic violence to be offered a service that would
facilitate their talking to each other.
Communication was the key factor differentiating those mother–child
relationships that became closer from those which became strained.
Mothers and children who were able to talk about the violence (not
necessarily at the time) judged their relationship as closer than those who
were unable to talk about their experiences. Mothers and children did point
out that it could be very difficult for them to talk to each other about the
domestic violence, usually because they are trying to protect or avoid
upsetting each other. Mothers and children both felt that it would be very
useful to have counselling support as a family unit which would facilitate
them talking to each other about their experiences and their feelings.
It is also important that siblings are able to talk to each other about their
shared experiences of violence and most children did talk to brothers and
sisters. Older children are frequently very protective of their younger
siblings and younger children clearly did rely on older brothers and sisters
for comfort. Sometimes older children did feel somewhat pressurised by the
responsibility of protecting and comforting their younger siblings.
However, most older children seemed to appreciate having something
tangible to focus on while their mother was being assaulted. Taking care of
younger children made them feel less powerless.
The strongest message that children gave throughout the research is that
they want to talk about domestic violence.
Education
How can we work to ensure that future generations will not tolerate the use
of violence in intimate relationships or against children? A study carried out
in 1992 by Edinburgh District Council found that 71 per cent of adolescent
boys surveyed said that there was some likelihood of their using violence in
future relationships and over 50 per cent of girls said that they expected to
experience violence from future partners (Edinburgh District Council
1992). Clearly there is much work to be done.
It is noteworthy that numerous children, including quite young
children, were aware of the stigma associated with domestic violence and
felt degraded and humiliated by it. There is a clear need for awareness
CONCLUSION / 223
raising and educational work with children and young people to correct the
myths about domestic violence. Children who cope with the fear and
restrictions of living with a violent man should not have to cope with the
added pressure of social stigma, which serves to reinforce the impact of the
domestic violence.
Children who live with domestic violence need to be told that their first
priority during an assault on their mother is to protect themselves. It is
unrealistic not to expect children to want to protect their mother and
ignoring these intense feelings is not helping children cope with their
experiences. Children are saying very clearly that they want to know of
practical ways they can help their mother. Providing children with the skills
and perhaps, more importantly, the permission to call the police or seek help
in some other way enables them to protect not only their mothers but also
themselves. Their overwhelming desire to stop the violence often means that
children physically try to intervene thereby placing themselves in immediate
physical danger.
Even if they do not physically intervene, children are evidently
traumatised by being forced to listen to the sounds of the violence and their
mother’s terror and distress. They believe that their mothers may be killed
and feel extremely guilty that they do not know how or if they should call
for help. Just as children are taught skills to protect themselves from sexual
abuse, they need to be taught how to protect themselves both physically and
psychologically from domestic violence. It is clear that children feel
degraded because of their experiences of domestic violence and this feeling
is compounded by popular belief systems which view those who experience
domestic violence, but not those who perpetrate it, as tainted by their
experiences. It is particularly disheartening to learn that such beliefs are held
by children as well as adults and internalised by those who experience
domestic violence, both young and old.
Friends appear to be very often the first people whom children who are
experiencing domestic violence will turn to for help. Programmes with
children raising awareness of domestic violence would no doubt have huge
impacts on the quality of support that children could expect from friends.
We need to communicate with children about where they can get help if
they are experiencing domestic violence. This should include practical
advice which children can follow in order to activate support for themselves
or their mothers. Much greater use should be made of the media, particularly
radio, television, billboards and the Internet, to deliver the message that
domestic violence is unacceptable, as well as indicating where children and
young people can get help.
Domestic violence can affect all areas of children’s lives and some of
these affects may be persistent. It must be acknowledged that leaving the
violent relationship commonly does not mean an end to the violence.
Women and children may have to keep moving in order to escape the
violence and harassment. Outreach support for both women and children
who have moved to a new area to escape domestic violence would have
enormous benefits. Refuges, women’s support, outreach and advocacy
services are best placed to provide this help. However, resources are needed
to ensure that all local refuges can offer this service and that it is extended to
children, not just their mothers.
In recent years there has been a much greater interest in domestic
violence with both legislative change (Part IV of the Family Law Act 1996,
Protection from Harassment Act 1997 and the Crime and Disorder Act
1998 under which local crime audits are expected to identify the prevalence
of domestic violence in the area) and policy initiatives (e.g. Cabinet Office,
Women’s Unit and Home Office 1999). The revised Working Together (DoH,
Home Office and DfEE 1999) for the first time specifically addresses issues
of best practice when children are experiencing domestic violence. It
encourages links between area child protection committees (ACPCs) and
domestic violence forums with the suggestion that ACPC membership
should include representation from the local domestic violence forum. It
also emphasises the importance of agencies working in partnership to
protect and support children. In addition, at the time of writing, the Lord
Chancellor’s Department is considering the report of the Children Act
Sub-committee of the Advisory Board on Family Law regarding domestic
violence and contact.
However, much thinking in this area remains polarised: we focus on (and
then allocate sparse resources to) either women or children; perpetrators or
victims; prevention or therapy; child abuse investigations or family support.
We have come a long way in recognising the problem and we have
identified how it should be addressed. The next challenge is to adopt a more
encompassing view of domestic violence instead of parcelling off particular
areas to work on as if they have a truly meaningful existence in this
independent fashion.
It would be naïve to expect that this work could be achieved without
additional resources. This is an area that crucially needs a committed source
of funding. However, there are also resources that could be capitalised on,
particularly in the area of skills and expertise that already exist. In addition,
children are a resource that could be used to support others. What should
our starting point be?
CONCLUSION / 225
Just to talk to us, get people to go out and talk to children in their houses,
schools and community halls, places like that. (Seamus, aged 10)
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Recommendations
In their interviews, women and children made a number of recomm

endations as to how those experiencing domestic violence could best be
protected and supported.
Information
• There is a need for greater information for women experiencing
domestic violence, both in terms of posters advertising services
and information packs about where to get practical and emotional
support both for themselves and their children. They also need
guidance on legal remedies. This information needs to be available
in places that are frequented by women as part of their daily
routine such as post offices, doctors’ surgeries, housing services
and shopping centres.
• Posters advertising domestic violence services should not rely on
depictions of worst case scenarios, that is, extreme physical
violence, as this may alienate large numbers of women who do not
identify with such images.
• Children and young people also need information about domestic
violence, including practical advice. Leaflets aimed at young
people should be available through schools and community
centres.
Awareness raising and education

• There needs to be a nation-wide, long-term, adequately resourced
public education campaign aimed at both adults and children
which addresses domestic violence and other forms of violence
against women and children. Running the zero tolerance
campaign nationally would be the first step in this education
process.
227
• Children and young people’s media programmes need to raise the

issue of domestic violence, directing young people to where they
can get information and support.
• Schools need to address domestic violence both as a general issue
for discussion and awareness raising as well as offering on-site
specific support for children who are experiencing domestic
violence or its aftermath.
Legal protection
• Women and children need to be protected from domestic
violence. To do this, every police officer who attends a ‘domestic’
needs to treat it as a crime. When called out because of domestic
violence, police officers need to check the physical safety and
emotional welfare of all children in the home.
• The application of the law was perceived by women to be biased
against them and their children. There is an urgent need for
ongoing training for the judiciary on domestic violence,
particularly in terms of the impact of non-physical forms of abuse
and the effect of domestic violence on children.
• Children’s cases within the criminal justice system need to be
dealt with more quickly so those children can receive therapeutic
support.
• Children need ongoing information about what is happening to
their case and what they can expect from being involved in the
criminal justice system.
• Mothers and children both need support when children are
involved in the criminal justice system.
Professionals’ knowledge
• Professionals from all of the agencies likely to be in contact with
women and children experiencing domestic violence need
mandatory initial and ongoing training on domestic violence.
This is particularly crucial for housing officers, education staff
(not just teachers), health professionals (including those working
in the field of mental health), police, probation and social
workers.
RECOMMENDATIONS / 229
• All of these agencies need to have established policies and

procedures on domestic violence. These policies and procedures
should be subjected to regular review to assess their effectiveness
in protecting and supporting women and children.
• Professionals need training on how to communicate with children
who have experienced domestic violence. There needs to be a
recognition that skills professionals already have are transferable
to this area but attention needs to be focused on addressing the
specific difficulties which may arise in working with children with
experience of domestic violence. The first step in this process is to
be confident in addressing children’s experience of violence
directly without using language which minimises or obscures what
that experience has been.
Support services
• Domestic violence comprises more than physical assaults and the
existence and impact of psychological and emotional abuse need
greater recognition.
• Intervention thresholds for children should not be dependent on
physical signs of abuse or distress. Children experiencing domestic
violence are often very resilient; however, most children will
benefit from some form of support in dealing with their
experiences. Children who have experienced domestic violence
should be considered children in need. This is particularly true for
children living in refuges or other temporary accommodation.
• As the sole agencies dedicated to helping women and children
who have experienced domestic violence, there needs to be
committed government funding for refuges. This is particularly
urgent in relation to provision for children in refuges.
• Outreach support should be available for women and children
who have escaped domestic violence to enable them to work
through the issues facing them as a reformed family unit coming
to terms with their individual and shared experiences. Refuges are
the best places to provide this outreach support not just to women
and children who have left the refuge but to those living in the
community also, including in temporary accommodation. Again
funding is the key issue.
• Age and culturally appropriate counselling should be available to

every child who has experienced domestic violence. Furthermore
this counselling should be made available as and when the child
most needs it. Some children will need extensive counselling
support whereas others would benefit from a one-off session that
enables them to express their feelings about their experiences.
• Children who have experienced domestic violence will often
benefit most from group work. There are a number of locations
where such group work could easily be offered to children
without them feeling stigmatised. Youth centres and schools are
places which are familiar to children and where children could
easily access such support.
• Counselling should be available for women who have
experienced domestic violence.
• Mothers need advice about how to help their children come to
terms with their experiences of domestic violence and also
information about possible impacts of domestic violence on
children. Leaflets addressing children’s experiences of domestic
violence and suggestions on how to talk to children about it
should be available for mothers.
• In setting up counselling services for children who have
experienced domestic violence, agencies should consult with and
involve young people in the planning of such services to ensure
that the service will be accessible to children and young people
and will retain a true child-centred focus.
• Young people were particularly keen to see the establishment of a
dedicated twenty-four hour helpline for children experiencing
domestic violence which would operate not just as a counselling
service but also as a source of information.
Contact
• Children’s contact with violent fathers should be decided on the
basis of considerations of the child’s safety (including the
potential psychological harm to the child of witnessing his or her
mother being further abused in the context of contact
arrangements) and the wishes of the child not on an assumption
of the father’s rights.
RECOMMENDATIONS / 231
• A national network of contact centres offering assessments and

supervised contact needs to be established.
• Children’s wishes regarding contact change over time; children
need ongoing opportunities to express their feelings and possibly
revise, instigate or end contact arrangements.
• Accordingly, children need clear information about their rights in
relation to contact with their fathers and details of the different
types of contact so they can make informed decisions.
Appendix
The interview procedure
Once a woman and/or child had received information about the research and they
were interested in taking part, they contacted the researchers either by telephone
or in writing. A suitable time was arranged for the interview to take place in their
home or where they were living at the time. All those taking part were offered the
option of doing the interview somewhere other than their home, particularly if
there were safety concerns about going to the home. In the majority of cases the
interviews were held in the woman and children’s home.
Once contacted by someone interested in taking part, the researcher sent an
information pack which included further details of the research and a copy of the
ground-rules for interviews, including the name and address of who to contact if
the person had any complaints about the interview. This ensured that if there were
any concerns about the interviewer or the research generally, women and children
were able to voice those concerns without having to do so through the
interviewer. No complaints were ever made.
With reference to the available literature and practice knowledge in this
area, semi-structured interview schedules were designed for mothers and
children or young people, broken down into three age groups of children.
Two forms were also designed to be completed by the interviewer, one
collecting demographic information and the other detailing allegations of
child abuse or neglect. At the start of each interview, all participants
completed a consent form.
Interview schedules for 5–8-year-olds

It was initially expected that non-verbal means of communication would be
used with this age group during interviews, for example a ‘story path’
adapted from commonly used life-story techniques was formulated. In
practice, however, it soon became obvious that children wanted to verbalise
their experiences in a question and answer or storytelling format.
The interview questions for this group of children concentrated on
whom children talked to about the domestic violence and how support
could be improved for children with these experiences. It was decided not to
ask children about specific incidents of abuse they had witnessed or
experienced as, first, the focus of the study was on support services for
233
children, and second, in a one-off interview it could be distressing for the

child to concentrate on recalling numerous incidents of violence,
particularly if support services were not in place to support that child. In
total the interview schedule consisted of five questions. When asking the
first question, the interviewer clearly stated that she had been talking to the
child’s mother about when Daddy (or perpetrator’s name) was hurting
Mummy. This served three purposes:
1. It made it clear to the child exactly why the interviewer was
talking to her/him.
2. It openly acknowledged the domestic violence. Adults generally
shy away from talking about domestic violence with children and
when they do they use vague or woolly terms rather than name
the violence directly. Children need a direct approach in order to
discuss their experiences.
3. It gave the child ‘permission’ to break the secret of the violence
by being clear that the mother (and possibly siblings) had already
spoken about it.
Before the interview proceeded, the interviewer explained that she wanted
the child to practise refusing to answer questions so that if a question came
up in the interview which the child was unhappy with, the child would feel
able to refuse to answer that question. Children were told that the
interviewer would first of all ask them some questions that had nothing to
do with the ‘project’ and that she wanted the child to respond, ‘No, I don’t
want to answer that.’ Until the child was clearly able to refuse to answer the
researcher’s questions, the interview did not proceed. All children were able
to do this.
Children were then asked
• what they knew about the violence
• who they could talk to about it
• what makes it easy or hard to talk to adults
• how things could have been improved for the child.
Finally, the children were asked if there was anything they wanted to add.
This was important in that the interview did not completely follow the
researcher’s agenda but allowed the children more control over the kinds of
things they wanted to tell the interviewer. It also meant that the children
were not left with unmet expectations about being able to express their
APPENDIX / 235
view of their experiences. It was not unusual for a child to have very little to
say in response to the first four questions but to talk at some length in
response to the final one. At times it was also evident that when the child’s
mother had discussed the possibility of taking part in the research, the child
had decided prior to the interview which aspects of their experience they
wanted to tell the interviewer. Without the last question children would
often have been disappointed. Children frequently chose to describe
particular incidents of violence in response to the last question and for these
children it was important that they could take the opportunity to do that
without a request or pressure from the interviewer to do so.
Interview schedules for 8–11-year-olds

With this age group of children the questions more directly addressed the
children’s experience of witnessing or overhearing the violence to their
mother as well as times they were hurt or frightened. The same first and last
questions were used as for the younger children.
Interview schedules for teenagers

Interviews with teenagers included questions not only on their awareness of
the violence and their relationship with the perpetrator but also on their
views of the impact of the violence on themselves and their relationship with
their mother.
Interview schedules for mothers

Interviews with the mothers covered areas such as the nature of the violence
suffered and its course over time, relationships between members of the
family, and her perception of the children’s awareness of the domestic
violence. Questions also elicited information about the help-seeking process
and the support received for the children.
Useful Contacts
Careline
020 8514 1177
Confidential counselling line for children, young people and adults
ChildLine
Freepost 1111
London N1 0BR
www.childline.org.uk
0800 1111
24-hour helpline for children
Domestic Violence Intervention Project

PO Box 2838
London W6 9ZE
Women’s support service
020 8463 7983
Freecall Message home

0500 700740
Confidential, non-traceable message service for those who have left home.
London Rape Crisis Centre

020 7837 1600
24-hour helpline
National Children’s Bureau

8 Wakely Street
London EC1V 7QE
www.ncb.org.uk
email@ncb.org.uk
020 7278 9441
NSPCC Child Protection Helpline

www.nspcc.org.uk
0808 800500
24-hour helpline
Textphone 0800 056 0566
237
Samaritans
0345 909090
24-hour confidential counselling
Shelterline
0808 800 4444
Emergency access to refuge services
Southall Black Sisters

52 Norwood Road
Middlesex UB2 4DW
email: sbs@leonet.co.uk
020 8571 9595
Women’s Aid Federation in Britain and Northern Ireland

National helplines
Women’s Aid in England

PO Box 391
Bristol BS99 7WS
www.womensaid.org.uk
email: info@wafe.co.uk
0345 023 468
Women’s Aid Federations:

Women’s Aid in Ireland
1800 341900
Women’s Aid in Scotland

0131 475 2372
Women’s Aid in Wales

01222 390874
REFUGE
0870 599 5443
24-hour national domestic violence hotline
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Legislation
Children Act 1989. Chapter 41. London: HMSO.
Crime and Disorder Act 1998. Chapter 37. London: Stationery Office.
Family Law Act 1996. Chapter 27. London: HMSO.
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as trigger 27, 29, 52 distrust of police 23
Subject alcoholism 29
anger
effects of violence on
children 69
Index as effect of domestic

violence 74–5, 93
fear of removal of children
20
towards fathers 85–6 housing needs 21
antidepressants 152–3, 160 research sample 15
abortions, forced 36, 43, area child protection terminology 16
169 committees (ACPCs) blame
Accident and Emergency 224 children blaming mothers
(A&E) departments Asian women and children 83, 87
155–8 15 see also self-blame
supportive response difficulties accessing help boys
155–6 112 aggressive behaviour 74,
unsupportive response effects of racism 187 82
156–8, 161 housing needs 21 favourable treatment 86
adoption 47, 118 associated persons concept likelihood of violence in
African-Caribbean children, 21–2 future relationships
over-representation in awareness of violence, 222
care system 20 children’s 95–6, 109
agencies awareness raising 222–3, child abuse
failures to help 217–18 227–8 links with domestic
overview of research violence 18–20,
20–3, 112 bedwetting 65, 71, 84, 100 45–6, 214–15
professionals’ knowledge behavioural problems 71 types of violence
recommendations cessation on leaving experienced 48–57,
228–9 violent relationship 58–9
support services 100 see also child sexual abuse
recommendations as coping strategies 106, child deaths 44
229–30 110 child guidance 159, 171
type of support needed effect on mother-child Child Protection: Messages from
218–19 relationships 48 Research (1995) 113
see also individual agencies health professionals’ child protection register
agency records, responses 151, 152, 135, 190, 215
confidentiality 15 153 and social work support
aggressive behaviour, improved in refuge 74, 120–1, 124, 126
children’s 71, 74–5, 167 child protection work
92, 93 and levels of exposure to domestic violence a factor
boys, against mothers 74, violence 69 113
82 in school 144, 146, 147 key areas of development
gender differences 74 see also aggressive 20–1
in school 74, 79, 93 behaviour prosecution 56
teenage girls 74–5, 92 birth of children, and onset child sexual abuse 56–7, 59
aims of research 14 of violence 30 disclosure to mothers 198,
alcohol abuse black women and children 201
accusations against women barriers to help-seeking disclosure prevented by
36 112, 185–6, 187 fear 56, 207
teenage girls 92 children’s identity 78
245
effects on father–child parenting ability of difference in treatment of

relationships 88 violent men 219 women and abusers
effects on mother–child psychologist’s 138
relationships 83 involvement 158 dropped through guilt
health visitors’ response recommendations 230–1 131
153 role-play of court police dissuasion 133–4
need for flexibility 218 hearings 159 women’s fears 131–2,
police response 139 unwanted by children 85 180
psychologist’s impression control crisis intervention,
of disbelieving central to domestic children’s 101–3
allegation 158 violence 27–8, 31, Crown Prosecution Service
social services response 57, 214 56, 139, 140, 180
114, 121, 122–3, of children’s behaviour
124, 125, 126 54–6, 59 darkness, fear of 71
ChildLine 51, 218 forms of controlling death threats 33
Children Act (1989) 175 behaviour 31–4 against children 70, 207
children’s counsellors, coping ignored by police 136–7
refuges 164 children’s strategies witnessed by children 36,
children’s involvement in 100–8, 110 62, 72, 214
abuse of mothers 35, and denial of support 213 denial 105, 110, 197
45–7, 58, 215 women’s strategies 47 depression
clumsiness 71 counselling children 73, 93
communication 220–2 children’s needs 219, 220 women 47, 152, 170
abusers’ control of 32 facilitating mother-child developmental delay 78
importance in communication 222 disability 15, 51, 114, 158
mother-child peer 218–19 doctors see general
relationships 83–4, recommendations 230 practitioners
93, 222 relationship 168, 173 domestic violence,
concentration problems support received by definition 16
79–80, 93 children 170–2, 173 domestic violence forums
confidentiality 218 support received by 22, 224
children talking to friends women 168–70, 173 domestic violence support
204–5, 217 waiting lists 189 projects 170, 173
maintained by ‘opt-in’ women’s access problems domestic violence units 23,
procedure 15 169, 173 132, 135–6, 137, 141,
women talking to GPs 22 court orders 135 142, 194
contact court welfare officers ‘double level of
children’s reluctance to 181–2 intentionality’ 45
discuss problems 202 Coventry, study of child drug use 29, 114
children’s verbal abuse removal 20
following 82 Crime and Disorder Act eating disorders
dangers to women 176, (1998) 224 children 106
220 criminal charges and women 102
man’s rights considered prosecution economic abuse 33, 41
paramount 175, child sexual abuse 56, 57, economic control of
176–7, 181 139 children 88
man’s violence considered education
177
SUBJECT INDEX / 247
about domestic violence women talking to 191–4, gender 169

222–5 211 and aggressive behaviour
effects of domestic see also social isolation 74
violence on 79–82, family counselling 198 need for research 92
93 Family Law Act, Part IV and treatment of siblings
recommendations 227–8 (1996) 175, 224 86–7
educational psychologists family therapy 20, 149, gender-neutral approaches
158 158, 172 17
emotional and psychological father-child relationships general practitioners (GPs)
abuse 84–90, 93 22, 149–53
children’s experience fatherhood, and onset of supportive response
49–51, 56, 58, 214 violence 30 149–50, 160
during pregnancy 44, 58 fathers/father figures unsupportive response
effects on self-esteem 35, research sample 16 150–3, 160–1
185 sexual abuse by 56 girls
experienced as worst form terminology 16 aggressive behaviour
35, 38, 49, 58, 214 fear 74–5, 92
following physical as barrier to help-seeking expectation of violence in
violence 30 190–1, 206–7, 211, future relationships
lack of recognition 192, 216 222
211, 229 effect of domestic feelings of vulnerability
witnessed by children 18, violence on children 75
67, 70 70–3, 93 lack of self-esteem 78
women’s experience 35–8, in father-child relationship teenage relationship
58 84–5 problems 92
employment 34, 151–2 and underestimation of unfavourable treatment 86
ethnicity 169 see also Asian abuse 18 grandparents
women and children; ‘forgetting’, as coping as source of support 51,
black women and strategy 18 55, 89–90, 103,
children friends, abusers’ 202–3, 211
help with stalking 33 unsupportive response 89
families friends, children’s group therapy, adult
barriers to women talking damage of friendships by psychiatric unit 159
to 197–8 abusers 55, 91 group therapy, children
children talking to 202–3 effects of domestic national children’s
contacting social services violence on charities 171
114 friendships 90–2, 94 recommendations 230
effects of domestic support from 204–6, 212, refuges 167
violence on children’s 216–17, 223 support needs 219
relationships 89–90, friends, women’s
93–4 barriers to talking 197–8 health impacts of domestic
supportive response 113, support from 195–6, 211 violence
193–4 threats and violence from on children 78, 93
threats and violence from abusers 32, 41–2, 58, on women 47–8
abusers 32, 41–2, 58, 196 see also injuries
137, 190–1 see also social isolation health professionals 149–61
unsupportive response contact during pregnancy
191–3 44–5
overview of research 22 identifying children in need involvement of children in

health visitors 22, 153–5 213 abuse of mothers 35,
supportive response identity 77–8, 93 45–7, 58, 215
153–5, 161 immigration status 130
unsupportive response impact of violence judges 177–8, 182
155 on children 18, 69–93
help-seeking, barriers to on women 47–8 kidnapping 46–7, 114–15
185–212, 215–17 incidence 17–18 fears recognized by
attitudinal barriers 185–7, ‘incident-focused’ system schools 144
210 129 judge’s response 177
barriers for children infidelity, accusations police response 47, 135
talking 206–10, 212, against women 28–9 social services response
216–17 information and advice 115, 118
barriers for women children’s needs 145,
talking 197–8 219, 223, 227, 228, language skills 209, 212,
families 191–4, 202–3, 231 220
211 health visitors’ support leaving violent relationships
fear of losing children 154 children’s fears following
189–90, 210–11, importance in 71–3, 93
216 help-seeking 187, children’s persuasion and
fear of violent man 215–16 help 104, 105, 199
190–1, 206–7, 211, importance of refuge children’s relief 86, 100
216 provision 163–4 continuation of abuse
friends, children’s 204–6, poor police provision 23, 32–3, 224
216–17 134 effects on father–child
friends, women’s 195–6 poor social services relationship 87
mother-child discussions provision 124, 127 effects on mother–child
198–202, 211 recommendations 227 relationship 84, 87–8
neighbours 194–5 role of GPs 149, 150 friends’ encouragement
practical barriers 187–9, injunctions 195–6
210 cost 188 more open
siblings 203–4, 211 difficulties in obtaining communication
helplines 178–9, 182 following 191, 195,
children’s experience fear of violence 190 200–1, 211, 221
170–1, 217 ineffectiveness 137, risks to women and
recommendations 230 179–81, 182 children at time of 47
women’s experience 169, injuries 39–40 social services support
189 witnessed by children 66 116
home atmosphere 99–100, institutional racism 78, see also housing
110 185–6 legal system 175–82
Home Truths 220 interagency cooperation and recommendations 228
housing, overview of partnership 113, 218, legislation 21–2, 33, 129,
research 21–2 224 175, 224
Housing Act (1996) 21–2, intervention thresholds living together, and onset of
175 213, 229 violence 30
interview procedure 233–5 local authorities 21
I Wish the Hitting Would intimidation of children long-term coping strategies,
Stop 220 55–6 children’s 103
SUBJECT INDEX / 249
long-term effects of fear on nightmares 57, 71, 109, children’s views 140–1,
children 71–3 172 142
NSPCC counselling 171–2 helplessness in kidnaps
magistrates 177 47, 135
Making an Impact 220 Offences Against the Person legislation available 129
malicious allegations 114 Act (1861) 129 men’s accusations to 36
marriage, and onset of onset of violence 30–1, mixed response 135–40,
violence 30 57–8 141
mediation 176 ‘opt-in’/’opt-out’ negative response 133–5,
medical care, access denied procedures 14–15 141, 189
32, 44, 64 outreach support 168, 224, neighbours contacting
memories of violence, 229 129, 195
children’s 95–6, 109 overhearing violence 64–5, overview of research 23
men 66, 77 positive response 132–3,
generalised fear of 71 141
violence towards 16–17 parental responsibility 176 recommendations 228
mental health problems parenting ability, women contacting 129,
accusations against women perpetrators 219–20 130–2
33, 36, 130–1 partnership see interagency Police and Criminal
domestic violence cooperation and Evidence Act (1984)
overlooked 119–20 partnership 129
mental health professionals peer counselling 218–19 postnatal depression 152,
158–60, 161 perpetrators and parenting 153–4
methodology 14–15, 20, 219–20 powerlessness, children’s
17 pets 76–7, 93, 108–9, 110
miscarriages 39, 42, 43, 44 importance to children powers of arrest 178–9,
mixed race relationships 78 106 179–80
mother–child relationships men’s cruelty to 50 pregnancy
effects of domestic physical abuse and onset of violence 30,
violence 48, 82–4, 93 by children 46 42
effects of separation 84, children’s experience as result of partner’s rape
87–8 51–3, 58–9 41, 58
importance of onset of violence 30–1 violence during 41, 42–5,
communication 83–4, overheard by children 58
93, 222 64–5, 66 prevalence 17–18
talking about domestic prevalence 18 professionals’ knowledge
violence 65, 66, 96–9, witnessed by children 18, 228–9
109–10, 197–8, 61–3, 66 promiscuity 92
198–202, 211, 221–2 women’s experiences property, damage to 34, 55
38–40, 58 destruction of
neighbours play, restricted by abusers schoolbooks 81–2
contacting police 129, 54 witnessed by children 62
195 police 129–48 prosecution see criminal
contacting social services child sexual abuse cases charges and prosecution
114, 190 56, 122, 139 Protection from Harassment
women talking to 194–5 children contacting 63, Act (1997) 33, 129,
nervous twitches 71 102, 129, 141, 223 224
psychiatric services 159–60
psychological abuse see numbers accommodated of children, within the

emotional and (1996–97) 17 home 54–5
psychological abuse outreach support 168, of women 32
psychological coping 224, 229 revenge fantasies 74, 77, 86
strategies, children’s recent improvements 164 running away 71, 104
105–8, 110 recommendations 229
psychological impacts of support of other survivors sadness 73–4, 93
abuse 164–5 safety planning 77, 107–8,
on children 69–78 violent partners entering 110
recognised in law 129 123, 180 safety strategies, children’s
on women 47–8, 129 visited by abusers 165 103–5
psychologists 150, 158–9 women’s experience Samaritans 169
163–6, 172–3 sample description 15–16
qualitative methods 14 women’s whereabouts school refusal 80–1, 93
disclosed 33, 177, schools 143–8
racism 21, 78, 185–6, 187 193 children talking to
rape 29, 40–1, 45 regimentation of children’s teachers 144–6
attempt on woman’s behaviour 55 informational role 219
friend 196 relationship counselling mothers talking to
children witnessing and 168–9, 173 143–4, 188
intervening 40, 58, relationships as places of refuge 81, 93,
63, 101 young people, following 104
during pregnancy 41, 44, domestic violence 92, positive support 143,
58 94 146–8
insensitive response by see also father–child see also education
GPs 151 relationships; self-blame
pregnancy as result of 41, mother–child children 146, 215
58 relationships women 31, 136
threats against children religious beliefs 198 self-esteem, loss of
40, 41, 45, 58 removal of children, children 91, 93
reassuring children, women’s fears girls 78
mothers’ attempts 45 as barrier to help-seeking women 31, 35, 47–8,
refuges 189–90, 210–11, 185
behavioural improvement 216 self-harm
74, 167 health visitors 22, 155, abusers’, witnessed by
children’s experience 161, 216 children 64
166–8, 173 manipulation by abusers children 73, 106
importance of practical 115–16, 126, 216 separation see leaving
advice in 163–4 social services 20, violent relationships
information about 23, 115–16, 122, 126, sexual violence 40–1, 58
149, 177, 182, 187 189–90, 216 witnessed by children 18,
joining friends 195–6 and underestimation of 214
killings by ex-partners abuse 18 see also child sexual abuse;
witnessed 123, 180 see also kidnapping rape
liberating effects 84 residency 176, 177, 181–2 siblings
non-Women’s Aid Respect Pack, The 220 differential treatment
Federation 165 restriction of movement 52–3, 86–7, 93
SUBJECT INDEX / 251
older children protecting stress-related complaints 93, effects on children 18, 69,
102–3, 203–4, 211, 149, 160 70–1, 72, 73
222 stuttering 71 effects on father–child
talking to each other suicide relationship 85
203–4, 211, 222 abusers’ threats and witnessing murder 123,
sleep deprivation 35–6, 51, attempts 33, 36, 64 159, 180
55, 64, 81 children’s ideation and witnessing outcomes 66
sleeping tablets 150, 152–3 attempts 73, 93, 149 witnessing sexual violence
sleepwalking 71 women’s ideation and 18, 40, 58, 63, 101,
social development, effects attempts 155, 160, 214
of domestic violence 169 Women’s Aid Federation
90–2 support groups 169, 170 150
social isolation 32, 48, 57, support services, Women’s Aid refuges 17
196, 198, 210 recommendations Working Together 215–16,
social services 56, 113–27 229–30 224
children’s perceptions Surrey housing study 21
124–6, 126–7 Sussex housing study 21 zero tolerance campaign
fear of losing children 20, 227
115–16, 122, 126, telephone harassment 33
189–90, 216 terminology 16
men’s contact as part of therapists 170
abuse 114–15 toys
mixed response 123–4 broken or thrown away by
negative response abusers 34, 50, 54,
117–23, 126 62, 167
overview of research 20–1 importance to children
positive response 116–17, 106
125–6 tranquillisers 152–3, 161
reasons for contact 114 triggers 27–30
refuges contacting 165 Turning Points 220
stereotypical posters 185
social work training 20–1 Valium 150
solicitors 175–7, 182 verbal abuse
stalking 32–3, 56 by children 82
stepfathers and loss of self-esteem in
differential treatment of women 31
siblings 51, 52 name-calling of children
relationships with children 49
89 progression to physical
sexual abuse by 56 violence 30
stigma witnessed by children
barrier to help-seeking 63–4, 66
186, 187, 215
children’s awareness weapons 39
77–8, 205, 208–9, witnessed by children 63
212, 221, 222–3 withdrawal 78
psychiatric services 172 witnessing abuse 61–4, 214
refuges 166
Dominy, N. and Radford, L. Homer, M., Leonard, A. and
Author 20, 21, 22, 23 Taylor, P. 112
Hughes, H. 20, 69
Index Edinburgh District Council Humphreys, C. 20, 120

222
Edleson, J. L. 20 Imam, U. F. 18, 21, 112,
Epstein, C. and Keep, G. 51 187
Abrahams, C. 20, 48, 51, Evason, E. 69
61, 63, 69, 220 Jaffe, P., Wolfe, D. A and
Andrews, B. and Brown, G. Fantuzzo, J. W., DePaola, L. Wilson, S. K. 13, 65,
M., Lamber, L., 80
W. 42
Mariono, T., Anderson, Jones, A. 20
G. and Sutton, S. 69
Barnado’s, NSPCC and
Farmer, E. and Owen, M. Kelly, L. 18, 23, 32, 45, 57,
University of Bristol
220 19, 113 70, 92, 113
Barron, J. 178 Frost, M. 22 Kelly, L. and Radford, J. 18
Bernard, C. 20
Bowker, L. H., Arbitell, M. Gibbons, J., Conroy, S. and Leeds Animation Workshop
Bell, C. 19, 113 220
and McFerron, J. R. 19
Goddard, C. and Hiller, P. Lloyd, S. 21
Bowstead, J., Lall, D. and
56 London Borough of
Rashid, S. 112
Hackney 19
Brandon, M. and Lewis, A.
Hague, G., Kelly, L., Malos, London Borough of
19, 113
E., Mullender, A. with Islington 220
Debbonaire, T. 78
Cabinet Office, Women’s
Hague, G. and Malos, E. 16, McGee, C. 16, 18, 20
Unit and Home Office
17, 21 McGee, C. and Westcott, H.
224
Hague, G., Malos, E. and L. 14
Casey, M. 22
Dear, W. 22 MacLeod, M. 218
Clark, A. 20
Hanmer, J. and Saunders, S. McWilliams, M. and
Cleaver, H. and Freeman, P.
112 McKiernan, J. 18, 20,
19
Hester, M., Humphries, J., 22, 23, 65
Clifton, J., Jacobs, J. and
Pearson, C., Qaiser, K., Malos, E. and Hague, G. 46
Tulloch, J. 20, 21, 22,
Radford, L. and Mama, A. 18, 23, 69, 112
69
Woodfield, K. 18, 32, Mezey, G. C. and Bewley, S.
78, 92, 113, 129, 142, 42, 58
Davis, L. and Carlson, B. E.
69 176, 182, 219 Mooney, J. 17, 20
Department of Health and Hester, M. and Pearson, C. Morley, R. 220
Dartington Social 45–6, 96, 220 Morley, R. and Mullender,
Research Unit 113 Hester, M., Pearson, C. and A. 20, 47
Deparment of Health, Harwin, N. 17 Mullender, A. 20, 113, 219
Home Office and Hester, M. and Radford, L.
Department for 16, 18, 32, 46, 57, 82, Nazroo, J. 17
Education and 101, 220 NSPCC, Chailey Heritage
Employment 216, 224 Hiller, P. C. and Goddard, and Department of
Dobash, R. E. and Dobash, C. R. 19 Health 220
R. P. 16, 17 Hilton, N. Z. 83
Hoff, L. 58 O’Hara, M. 20–1, 45
253
Pahl, J. 22, 57
Patterson, S. 220
Peled, E. and Davis, D. 219
Quarmby, D. 219
Reder, P., Duncan, S. and

Gray, M. 44
Ross, S. M. 19
Sellors, A. and Brown, R.

219
Silvern, L. and Kaersvang,
L. 18
Stanko, E. A., Crisp, D.,
Hale, C. and Lucraft, H.
17
Stark, E. and Flitcraft, A. 19
Women’s Aid Federation of

England (WAFE) 17

Caroline McGee - Childhood Experiences of Domestic Violence - The Herd, Primal Horde

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Caroline McGee - Childhood Experiences of Domestic Violence - The Herd, Primal Horde

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Childhood Experiences

The Child’s World

Preventing Violence in Relationships

Creating a Safe Place

Creative Responses to Child Sexual Abuse

Helping Families in Family Centres

Social Work with Children and Families

Child Development for Child Care and Protection Workers

Foreword by Hilary Saunders

Jessica Kingsley Publishers

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

ISBN 1 85302 827 4

Printed and Bound in Great Britain by

Part I Literature review and method

Part II What does it mean to experience domestic violence?

Part III Impacts of domestic violence

Part IV Agency responses to domestic violence

This is not as straightforward as it might seem. It is not easy to

Introduction and Overview

3. Recognition that difficulties exist in accessing support services for

procedure where researchers will contact those they wish to interview

Description of the sample

Violence towards men

• In an international context, studies that focused only on physical

Table 1.1 Links Between Domestic Violence And Child Abuse

Study Where Sample Main findings

Bowker, US 1000 ‘battered’ 70% of male partners also physically

London UK Children on the At least one-third of registered children

Cleaver and UK 30 families In 12 out of the 30 families (40%) there

Gibbons, UK 1888 child Domestic violence was recorded in 27%

Brandon and UK 105 maltreated 46% were also witnessing domestic

Ross (1996) US A representative The authors concluded that ‘there is a

In a review of studies, Hughes (1992) found correlations of 40–60 per cent

Responses to domestic violence

four key areas in the development of effective professional practice in child

McWilliams and McKiernan (1993) reported that only 26 per cent of

What Does it Mean

Forms Of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence incorporates a range of controlling and abusive

Accusing women of infidelity

Other triggers for their ex-partners’ violence identified by women included:

• if the children cried

Onset of the violence

The effect of this controlling behaviour was to make women totally

The most common form of controlling behaviour that women reported

actually stopped when the new stalking legislation (Protection from

• not letting the woman get employment outside the home

Emotional and psychological abuse

The most frequently reported form of emotional abuse was constantly

Other women were subjected to death threats:

On the other hand three men injured themselves or threatened to commit

Other forms of emotional and psychological abuse women reported were:

• blaming the woman because her uncle sexually abused her

Judith described her experiences:

which was I presume must have been blessed water or whatever he

cigarette extinguished on her foot, and another suffered a brain

Camilla spoke of her fears that he would rape her daughter.

Violence during pregnancy

Twelve women had already been experiencing violence before becoming

This example is chillingly reminiscent of violent men’s behaviour noted by

domestic violence. However, as O’Hara (1994) points out, the implications

Mother trying to reassure the children

Another mother endured a rape by her ex-partner in near silence so as not to