4.

Deep Dive Into 9 Socially Sticky Situations

This lesson presents a few situations that most people would consider
difficult or potentially embarrassing and it will give you guidance on
how to handle them.

1. Group Doesn’t Open To Accept You

Imagine you want to enter a group and you are physically standing on
its periphery.
You are waiting for someone to stop talking and welcoming you.

But they keep on talking to themselves instead and you just stand
there.

Ouch.

You have two options here:

1. Impose yourself
2. Move

Imposing means you don’t wait for them to accept you but you start
talking, put your hands on someone’s shoulder or outright tell them
something like “excuse me if I jump in”.

By moving you try to minimize your loss instead and pretend it never
happened.

Impose Yourself

Imposing raises the stakes.

It could be a big a win if you get in as you show social power.
You can also leave soon after you get in to punish them, as if to say
“now go back to your boring conversation, it’s not like I wanted to be
with you”, and you leave by taking their social scalp.

But if they refuse you, for example saying “excuse us one moment”
then you lose huge value. Here is an example from “Un Borghese
Piccolo Piccolo”:

https://youtu.be/hjdBISGw_m8

He was rather socially daft in butting in on that conversation which

was obviously private. Also considering it was the workplace and he
was lower rank.
However, social arts are not math and you might not know for sure
whether you will be welcomed or snubbed before you actually try it.

Imposing doesn’t have to be that obvious.

You can just start talking as if you were already part of the group.

https://youtu.be/ZtkKgg0O3pE

If Melania had stepped into the group standing a bit closer and
stopped at her first sentence, it wouldn’t have looked as bad for her.

See this post for a deeper analysis of Melania’s mistake.

As a rule of thumb: impose yourself if it’s bigger groups (target one

person in the group for example), if you have something important to
say or if you think they like you and will receive you well.

Move
When you are not sure you have the power to enter the group, do the
following: hover for a few seconds around the group and if they don’t
open keep moving.
If they open, they really wanted you. If not, nobody will notice and you
will only end up in groups that want you.

This is a very neat technique you can use at networking events as you
move around while also pinging for groups open to your presence.

2. People Forcing You On The Dance Floor

You know the feeling.

You don’t want to dance, or you only want to go there later at your
own pace. Maybe deep down you know that you would enjoy, but
you’re feeling a bit self-conscious right now.

And here comes the drunk, super high energy friend who wants to
grab your hand and lead you on the dance floor.
And they’re not taking no for an answer.

I recommend you don’t follow anybody who’s trying to change

your state too abruptly.
The worst-case scenario is that you follow their lead, act self-
conscious on the dance floor and leave soon after.
The best-case scenario is that you go and have a blast. Better, but
you’re still a follower.

Ideally, you should stick to your state as much as possible, and get
into “party state” on your own pace.

https://youtu.be/SQVw58aDt3Y

If you keep refusing, make sure you’re not overly rude. It’s indeed
walking that tight rope between rudeness and following that makes
these situations difficult.
A good middle of the road can be to make a couple of dance moves
when your friends trying to convince, smile at your friends but then
stick to your thing.

What to do if you don’t manage to say no?

Dance a bit, have real fun, then move out of the dance floor after a
while if you don’t want to dance.

3. Dealing With Taller Individuals

Some shorter individuals feel unease in the presence of much taller
individuals.

And for good reasons: it’s easy to lose social status.

You probably know the expression ”looking up to someone”.

Figuratively it means that someone is superior to you and you admire

them. And there is an overlap between figuratively looking up
and physically doing so.
And just to make sure there is no misunderstanding you want to avoid
physically looking up to people.

But how can you avoid looking up at someone if they’re taller?

Well here is the interesting thing: “looking up” doesn’t refer much to
your eyeballs. It refers to your whole head going up.

This is looking up:

This not so much because it holds the head straight.
Notice here that the look is also one of critical contemplation, which
gives him the judge role of the interaction.

When you’re close to a taller guy, stand a little bit backward and only
look up with your eyeballs, without raising your chin.

Look at Putin doing it:

https://youtu.be/SQVw58aDt3Y

Or you can see me here, looking slightly up but overall keeping the
reins of the interaction with a strong overall presence.
Or you can check this other example, where I take more of an
“entertainer/joker” role.

If they are also unfriendly, don’t look much into their eyes at all. Not
looking at them while you speak to them or they speak to you
communicates superiority on your side.
For double power you can also add the judgmental look as if you were
analyzing and judging their words.

Look at Tommy in Casino:

https://youtu.be/3lg3i38ik5A

He barely even seem notice she’s much taller. He rarely looks at her
and his head is always straight. He leads all the way through, until he
tells her to scoop over.

4. The Socially Awkward Interloper

You’re speaking to a group or to someone.
And here it comes the clueless guy with no idea what you’re talking
about who jumps in with unrelated comments.

By wanting to take your attention they are complimenting you, in a

way.
But if you were making an important point and you allow them to
sidetrack you, then you lose much of your social power.

As a leader, you shouldn’t allow anyone to take your conversation off-

topic.

Here are three ways with which you can stop silly interlopers from
derailing the conversation:

1. Tell them directly (“wait, let’s finish this topic now first”)
2. Ignore and move back the convo (pretend they didn’t say anything
and go back to what you were talking about)
3. Throw them under the bus

The last one is nasty and ruthless but very effective.

Here is one example from Five Easy Pieces:

https://youtu.be/NOq2FhvOGwE

That was really socially ruthless.

I recommend you avoid this one unless the comment was really stupid
and the group knows that you’re overall a friendly guy.

It shouldn’t be your goal to be too socially ruthless over the long run:
only keep it for when it’s strictly needed (remember our the initial
mantra? Only apply the minimum amount of power needed).
5. Answering Embarrassing Questions
Here are some examples of embarrassing, socially difficult questions:

Nosy: are you virgin

Nosy: how much do you make

While for some people it’s normal asking these questions, some
people are trying their hand if off-color questions to see if you
will comply.

Difficult questions are, in many ways, social power moves.

And if you do while you didn’t really want to comply, it will show and
you’ll look socially weak and dominated.

If it’s a stranger asking you can allow yourself to be rude because

strangers shouldn’t even think of asking you those questions -those
are emotional boundaries that they’re overstepping-.
But you can ill afford to be rude with friends because the question is
“almost innocent enough” that you will look overreactive if you get
angry.

What to do then?

First of all, don’t feel forced to answer because someone told you that
“owning” the answer is powerful –ie. “yes I’m virgin and I’m proud of
it”-.

That’s not powerful.

What’s powerful is knowing what you’re OK sharing publicly and want
you want to keep private. And then knowing how to enforce those
boundaries in a socially shrewd fashion.

Here are a few ways to do it:

1. Tell them it’s none of their business

Him: Are you virgin?

You: None of your business

Without sounding angry about it, you can even smile actually.
If they repeat the question again, again you tell them “none of your
business”.

2. Give answers you’re comfortable with

Like ballpark figures or general answers (ie.: “A comfortable 5 figures,

and full freedom to organize my work. I’m very happy with it” or “a
comfortable salary”).

3. Why are you asking

If there is no way to answer comfortably, ask them “why are you

asking”.

4. Play offended

Pretend you’re offended, which is a neat way to put the social

pressure back on them while not answering at the same time.

Anne Hathaway uses it here:

https://youtu.be/S3-5e0OOLKQ
Just take all the flirtatious girly style away of course :).
BTW, notice that all the while she is all little missy nervous, she also
makes him jump through her hoops: she makes him react and defend
with just body language and facial expression (remember the basic
rules of social power: getting results with minimum social effort).

5. Be frank

Say: “why are you asking that, it’s a rather personal question mate, I
wouldn’t ask you that question ”.

Pro Tip: Don’t say “I don’t wanna answer that”

They will not look good, but you will not either. He looks too
aggressive, but you look defensive and like you don’t want to share
enough about yourself with the people around.
Instead, you want to make him feel out of order. When you say “I
wouldn’t ask you that question” you are correctly communicating
that he is being insensitive.

6. Don’t get angry and throw it back

Avoid getting angry.

You raise them at your level and you look like it was uncomfortable for
you.

Look at McGregor here, there was no point in throwing back the

question to her:

https://youtu.be/S6wn99sp4Tc

“how much you weigh” was nasty and it made him look like he was
really unsettled by that question.
7. Lead them down the dead-end road

Another good technique is to take the conversation down a dead-end

road where they can’t go any further.
The steps to make it happen are: (1) why are you asking that; (2) are
you always + whatever they said.

The second question is a closed question because the only answer is

yes or no. And at that point you let the conversation die.
Trying to re-open it from their side would make them look very try hard
and few people will do it.

Here is an example:

Him: Is it true that you were in prison

You: Why are you asking me that
Him: I’m curious (/I have always wondered; /someone told me)
You: Are you always this curious (/listening to what people say)

If they reopen the conversation do as following:

8. Beat them socially (shame them)

This is my favorite when you want to go down a little bit hard on them.
You shame them for having asked.

For example:

Him: how much do you make

You: (pause) did anybody teach you the very basics of social skills, like basic
conversation and improper social behavior?
6. Dealing With Pranks
The social danger with pranksters is similar as with jesters: they
operate outside of normal social rules and have more latitude for
carrying out status damaging action while hiding behind the “just
joking” shield.

The key to dealing with pranks is to avoid the mistake that most
people do: looking lost.

Indeed the moment we realize we have been pranked we are not sure
whether to laugh or to get angry.
And that’s where most people lose the most value.

Notice the exact moment when it happens to Tom Cruise here:

https://youtu.be/rf8UgyYVDEI

It’s that split of a second where he is not sure what to do (and then he
decides to confront and get angry).

I recommend you quickly ask yourself one of the following:

1. Was it funny and can you laugh about it (if yes, laugh about it)
2. If it wasn’t funny and/or you cannot laugh about it, is it fair to get
angry (if yes, get angry)
3. If you can’t laugh nor get angry, then walk away instead of standing
there and looking lost

Mistaking People With Bad Intention

On the topic of “teetering between friendly and angry” I want to
introduce this related socially difficult situation.
The one where people mistake a foe for a friend or a critic for a joke.

When that happens, people feel ashamed for having been mistaken,
but instead of correcting right away, they keep insisting on their
mistake to avoid looking like flip-floppers.

When they finally switch, they can get so angry for having looked
stupid that they often overreact.

Is it too difficult to grasp?

OK, think about it for 30 seconds and below is the perfect example.

His name is Albano and don’t worry about the language:

https://youtu.be/Rgf5MvzPUQk

See what happened?

He approaches him as a friend but later realizes he’s not a friend. He
stays stuck in the “friend” mode for a while. And then he bursts out in
anger.

In the most extreme cases, people don’t even ever switch from
friendly to angry, and keep treating a foe as a friend.
In those instances their status tanks and their self-esteem tanks as
well.

The best way to handle these situations is to either change super

quick, or to verbalize your mistake.
When you verbalize your mistake, you will look much stronger to the
people around and you will better manage your own anger build up.

So in the case above when Abano realized the old man wasn’t being
friendly, he would have said:
Albano: I thought you were being a friendly guy and I was even trying to
shake your hand but instead you seem angry and aggressive.
What’s your problem man.

Another way of preventing these issues is to not being too friendly

before you know what’s coming. Here is Obama doing a similar
mistake:

https://youtu.be/Pn9xi3iFRPA

You can notice how his laughter lingers just too long in the face of
serious criticism. Since he didn’t know if the speaker was going to be
friendly or critical, he should have avoided smiling in the first place.

7. Dealing With Covert Aggression

Covert aggression is aggression that you can feel.

You know they are being disrespectful or rude, but they do it in a

sneaky way that it makes it difficult to truly address it.

Basically, it works like this: you know they are being rude, they
probably know it, but if you address it, it might make you look like you
are picking fights out of nothing.

Take this example from Meet the Parents:

https://youtu.be/a74YJxu1ryU

De Niro shows mistrust towards Stiller by hiding his alarm code with
his body. It’s also slightly disrespectful because if he had respected
Stiller he wouldn’t have done it so obviously -or not done it at all-.
There are 4 ways to handle this:

1. Use Humor to Crack a Joke At Their Expense

For example:

Stiller: Damn! I was this close from stealing the alarm codes of the house I
am already sleeping in

This one basically says “that was truly unneeded, man”.

2. Use Humor to Highlight Their Covert Aggression

For example:

Stiller: How welcoming

Or:

Stiller: I love you too Jack!

This one is good to show that De Niro was showing strong negative
sentiment towards him.

Or:

Stiller: Typical Jack.. (delivering while shaking your head, as if to say “what
an idiot”)
3. Encircle Them by Recruiting Bystanders on Your
Side

This one is very good if you have friends in the group.

For example, you could look at someone else around, point at Jack
and say “he really loves me”.

This is powerful because it highlights that, as the father of Stiller’s

girlfriend, he is actively undermining the relationship of his own
daughter.

4. Dominate Them Socially

Stiller, in this case, could have put a hand on his shoulder with a smile
and commented something like “it’s OK Jack”.
You can check this video for the right tonality:

https://youtu.be/xsDLsbtFiU0

This is dominant because it invades their personal space, so you want

to take the edge off with the smile.

8. When Jesters Steal The Show

Do you remember jesters from the basics of social power?

Like crazy individuals and children, jesters’ power resides in being

outside of the “normal”, expected social confines that adults are
supposed to abide.
And that’s what can make them so dangerous for people in authority
positions.

Defending authority against jesters can be difficult. See this episode of

the Letterman show with Benigni (and how he failed badly):
https://youtu.be/Vnw6L2QNZQU

Here is how to enforce authority with jesters:

1. Enforce the rules if jesters go too overboard BUT

2. Do it without resentment AND
3. Don’t bottle up the anger so that you keep dealing with them in a
friendly way

Basically, the idea is that you remain the leader WHILE you still stay
friends with them.
You can see Conan here doing much better than Letterman.

9. When People Don’t Laugh At Your Joke

You know this one.

You crack a joke… And nobody laughs.

Ouch!

What do you then?

If you don’t have much standing in the group and nobody noticed it
was actually a joke, just pretend you didn’t intend to be funny: a poor
comment is better than a joke nobody laughs at.

If you have quite some social power instead, you can either make a
joke about the group not getting the joke, or you can “force a reaction”.

Now, this is interesting.

How do you force a reaction?
Remember module 1 on pressure?
Well, a great way of forcing a reaction is to use silence.

The reaction you want from them can either be a laugh -great-, or a
comment. Both of them say that you got acknowledged and that you
are respected, which is what you want.
As a matter of fact, Any reaction will avoid any power being taken
away from you because it highlights that you’re not someone to be
ignored.

Here is one example:

https://youtu.be/bl-1kNMYH0E

Most people didn’t get I was looking for a “fake sad reaction” type of
humor from the audience.
So I could have pretended it was not a joke, in this case, but I knew
eventually someone was gonna get there.
So instead of pretending I wasn’t trying to make a joke (the safer but
not the best option), I leverage my position and my social standing to
“force” a bigger reaction.