Super Charge Your Parenting Book

Authored by
Sidhika Goenka
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First Published by WINGS PUBLICATION 2022

Copyright © Sidhika Goenka 2022
Title: SUPER CHARGE YOUR PARENTING

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ISBN 978-93-90661-71-8
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Acknowledgements
T his book has been possible because of my clients who

have shared their lives and their enriching experiences
with me over the years. They have reposed their trust in me as
a professional mental health counsellor and parent coach. My
heartfelt gratitude reaches out to them!
My children have been my greatest teachers during the
writing of this book. I would have had nothing to write without
my varied experiences with them. Thank you so much Miraaya,
Reyanshi and Aavyaan for teaching me humility, patience and
unconditional love. From all of you, I have learnt that I do not
have to be a perfect parent but with each experience, I can only
grow and learn more and more from the cues that you give me.
My husband, Neelabh, has pushed me to fulfil my ambitions,
manifest my goals and conquer my dreams. Thank you Neelabh
for believing in me and propelling me to become an author. It is
because of your unconditional support, encouragement and love
that I have been able to fulfil my long-term dream of writing
this book.
My parents, who have been my biggest guides and critics
throughout the journey. Thank you for reading endless drafts
and truly bringing out the best in me. Both of you have been the
wind beneath my wings and have given me the childhood every
child would wish for.
My family and friends have been a constant source of endless
motivation and encouragement. Thank you for believing in my
work and always cheerleading for me.
Mr. Anantram Ganpati has been my mentor and has helped
me unconditionally throughout my journey. Thank you so much
for all your precious advice.
Vaibhavi Patil, my illustrator who has added life to the
snippets with her thought-provoking illustrations. Thank you for
your invaluable contribution.
Preface
I write this book as a strengths-focused psychologist, a positive-

discipline parent coach, an educator, and a teacher-trainer,
but most importantly, as a mother of three! What I have learnt
professionally has taught me to frame my advice and insights. But,
in subtler ways, my thoughts on parenting are keenly influenced by
my childhood and now by raising my kids.
Every day, I learn how challenging it is to be a balanced, firm,
and yet compassionate parent. Nothing in my life has been more
amazing, inspiring and yet humbling than raising our kids. I have
portrayed little snippets from my life, experiences in my classes with
children and my client’s experiences to show how we can deal with
daily challenges. I hope I can inspire and empower you with them.
The names of the clients referred to in the various case studies have
been changed to ensure complete confidentiality.
Parents today have information ready at a flick of a finger,
and they are bombarded with information from social media,
advertisements, friends and peer groups. Getting contradictory
information can be confusing and overwhelming. I hope the advice
I offer through my personal and professional experiences will touch
you and bring out your best. Different readers will connect with
different challenges, hence do pick and choose what resonates
with you. These are all personal experiences that have been AHA
moments for me! Thank you for joining me in my journey of self-
growth, realisation and parenting!
Parenting is a huge responsibility– a commitment to guide,
guard, and nurture to bring out the best in your child. It is a resolve
to instil life skills, good virtues and values in them, along with aiding
them in their creative, emotional, and intellectual development. As
a parent, my parenting includes a lot of equal say, cooperation and
mutual respect loaded with open communication, conversation and
children’s involvement in decision making. We have weekly family
meetings and anyone can call for one at any point of time. In our
family meetings, we share accomplishments, disappointments, and
new experiences that each of us encounter.
As no child is the same, and each child comes with their own set
of idiosyncrasies, I have adapted my parenting style to be different
for each child. Parenting is not just about teaching your children,
but about learning from them and growing along with them!
You will go through fifty challenges in the book; some that come
from your feelings, some that your child may face and some values
that you want to inculcate in your child. With each challenge, I have
given some space for reflection, implementation and re-evaluation.
Do fill these worksheets to get maximum benefit.
“I hope the I in me finds the I in you…”
Welcome to your journey of reflection, implementation and re-evaluation!
The Parent that I am
W hen my first child was born, I was 25 years old, received

a plethora of unsolicited advice, and had a tough first
year with my baby. Restless evenings, a colicky baby, sleepless
nights, worrying about high fevers, sanitising toys, making sure
the door was shut when she was sleeping and maintaining pin
drop silence. All of it – Obsessive if you call it that! BUT when I
had my third child, who was again a colicky baby, sleepless nights
continued. However, I was more rested and assured. I kept the
door half-shut, let him sleep in noise, did not rock him to sleep,
but subtly made sure that I was there for him.
So, what had changed?
My faith in myself as a parent!
I was sure I could handle anything that came my way. After

two babies; the third one was smooth! What if I were to say
that you can be as confident the first time itself; you don’t need
to have three babies to develop this confidence in yourself !
This first-time confidence will give you a happier, healthier and
delightful journey with your child.
As Miraaya was growing up, there would be times I would
give in and change my NO to a YES if she pushed my limits
and cried. I kept everything around her spick and span, almost
hovered around her and did everything myself for her, from
cleaning her toys to feeding her every bite of her food, because
that’s what a good mother does!
However, soon after my second child arrived, I realised how
tiring and mentally draining parenting could get. Doing a lot of
the work that my child should be doing herself got exhausting.
That’s when I started involving both the kids in helping me
with responsibilities. Over the years, I realised setting firm and
consistent boundaries would keep my sanity and help me offer
my best to my family. I have adopted the ‘Authoritative Parenting
Style’, which is a good blend of firmness and politeness.
Authoritative parenting helps raise well-behaved, adaptable,
and independent children. Authoritative parents integrate a
good blend of warmth and control. They are in charge but in
a compassionate way, involving the child as well. Authoritative
parenting involves a lot of healthy two-way communication,
explanation about consequences of the given behaviour and
buffering when the child is upset. As a mother of three, I felt
‘Authoritative Parenting’ worked best for me because it didn’t
drain my energy, and I could be proactively involved with my
children, set some boundaries, and yet get unconditional love
from them. They knew what to expect and what not to expect
from me.
So, what exactly is AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING?
Traditional Parents usually say:
1. Do as you’re told
2. Respect your elders because I told you so
3. I will not talk to you if you do this again
4. If you don’t behave yourself, we are not going out again
Instead, in the Authoritative Parenting Style, YOU would say:

1. I think this is a good option, what do you think?
2. I understand why you want to stay for more time at your
friend’s place, but you look exhausted, and you have school
tomorrow. What do you think would be the appropriate thing
to do?
3. I know you’re hungry, but this behaviour is not acceptable.
Can we do something else instead while waiting for the food?
These guidelines made life simpler for me and made my
kids listen to me more right from the beginning. Throughout
my personal experiences, I have used the tool of Authoritative
Parenting as a backbone, and most of my dialogues and
experiences come from that. Along with following Authoritative
Parenting, I also realised that my husband and I needed to have
a plan before bringing up our kids.
Why should every parent have a parenting plan???
We all have lots of ideas on parenting, but when one becomes
a parent, things are mighty different. Hence, we need to create
a plan which can evolve with each child and age. A plan which
has been proactively thought of, well-structured and written will
guide you through your challenging times as a parent and will
help you be on the same page as your partner. Actively thinking
about how you want to handle your children and their behaviour
to enhance their strengths and minimise the weaknesses makes
you feel responsible, calmer, more in control and a more confident
parent. So, have a plan that you have thought of, spoken about,
written down and place it on your bedside table. The plan can
include:
1. Behaviours you are okay to ignore
2. Values you want to inculcate in them
3. Family rules you want to set
4. Consequences when rules are broken
5. Reinforcement and rewards you will give when the desired
behaviour happens
6. Number of warnings you will give if any
A behaviour management plan gives direction and helps you
succeed in your priorities. It also acts as a reminder as to what
is important and what is not so important and can be left out.
It helps you channelise your energies in the right direction as
well. When you have a plan in mind, your reactions will reduce,
and healthy responses will increase. Also, with consistency, your
children will already know what is expected and, with time, will
behave as per the plan.
To be a good parent, you need to have a plan. A plan helps
you avoid giving false threats and only give those punishments
you have agreed upon. With a plan, your children will also take
you more seriously and understand the gravity of the situation.
Of course, kids may not always follow the plan but knowing that
you are following it, will help them thrive and will make you less
stressed and more productive and focused.
Be open with your plan to change over the years, but the more you
write it down, the clearer you will be and the more you will evolve
as a parent.
Go ahead and take the parenting quiz. This will give you an idea
about the parenting style you use. You can always understand the four
styles of parenting and adapt them to different challenges.
What Type of Parent Are You?
Parenting is not one size fits all; it depends on what fits you
and your child best! The way we raise our children depends
on various factors such as our own upbringing, family values,
traditions, goals and ambitions and their inherent personalities
as well. The way we parent our child influences our child’s
outlook, behaviour and performance- mentally, physically and
emotionally.
The four main parenting styles - Permissive, Authoritative,
Neglectful and Authoritarian are based on the work of Diana
Baumrind- a developmental psychologist and Stanford
researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin. I have integrated
their parenting framework and my experience as a parent coach
and formulated four new parenting approaches which I explain
in detail after the quiz.
Imagine each situation and tick how you are most likely to
respond. Remember, there is no correct answer. You don’t need to
fit in just one type, as there may be times when you are compelled
to use overlapping parenting approaches. However, once you
understand which style you usually follow, you can easily alter
your style to bring out the best in yourself and your child.
1. Your child and his friend are playing together and you see the
friend snatching the toy that your child is playing with. What
do you do?
a. Explain to your child that he/she must adjust and get him
another toy.
b. Distract your child with another toy.
c. Stay calm, and let your child cry it out and eventually pick
another toy.
d. Hug your child, console him, and appreciate him for sharing.
2. Your child has been playing outside. As soon as she comes in,
the first thing that you do is:
a. Tell her to rush to the bathroom to wash her hands properly.
b.
Already carry a sanitiser with you and make sure she
sanitises her hands as soon as she leaves the park.
c. Hug her and then say, “Sweetie, why don’t you go wash your
hands?”
d. Watch for what your child does and eventually remind her
to wash her hands before her meal.
3.You go to a birthday party with your 5-year-old:

a. You let your child be and decide for himself what he wants
to eat.
b. You fill a plate for what you think he should eat.
c. You carry your tiffin as he doesn’t eat at parties.
d. You take him with you and help him choose.
4.You go to the park and there are a lot of kids there:
a. You change your mind as it is super crowded and your child
might fall sick.
b. You follow your child to make sure he is okay and he gets a
turn.
c. You see the sandpit and you spend the morning singing and
playing with him.
d. You drop your child off and go for your walk and let him
know that you are keeping an eye on him.
5. W hen you drop your child at school, you bid him/her goodbye
and say:
a. Pay attention, and learn the new nursery rhymes.
b. Make sure you drink enough water, wash your hands before
meals and finish your tiffin.
c. Have a beautiful day; I love you and have fun!
d. W hat drop-off line? Your child kissed you quickly and
rushed to school.
6. Your child is colouring –

a. You say, “Darling, make sure you colour within the lines!”
b. “ What a beautiful painting!” and give her a big hug.
c. She is colouring a little bit and has already moved on to the
next activity.
d. She’s colouring in her room and you are busy at work.
7. You’ve scheduled a playdate at your home, and your child’s
friends are starting to arrive:
a. You have planned it all with reading time, art and craft and
relay races.
b. You let them play by themselves but keep checking every
ten minutes to make sure there are no squabbles.
c. The children are running around and having fun, and you
keep sneaking in for some hugs and kisses.
d. The kids are in the room while you catch up with your
friend over coffee.
8. Your child asks you to read a book. You:

a. Grab an early-reader book. Time to practice sounding out words!
b. Go with your child and help her pick out the right book.
Besides, bookcases can fall.
c. Settle into the couch with a blanket and a stack of books.
d. Put on an audible book and relax...
9. In your house, bedtime is:

a. Strictly 8 pm.
b. Somewhere between 8:30 and 9 pm. It depends on how
long it takes them to finish their night routine.
c. W hen your child starts to look spacey. You lay down with
him until he falls asleep.
d. Your child will tuck herself in after a quick hug and kiss.
Easy-peasy!
10. Uh-oh! Your kids aren’t sharing. You:
a. Decide to switch activities. It’s time to finish homework
anyway.
b. Jump right in and settle the dispute for your kids.
c. Use this as a teachable moment, and talk to your child about
the right words to use to resolve a conflict.
d. Tell the kids to work it out themselves.
11. It’s nice outside, so you go for a walk. When your child gets
a bruise on his knee, you:
a. Clean up the wound and head to soccer practice.
b. What bruise? You caught your child as he fell.
c. Use a herbal ointment on the knee while you help him
release the trauma.
d. Help brush off the dirt and then send him off to play.
12. Your child is reading a book in dim light

a. You go and switch the lights on and stay with her.
b. You tell her the light is less, so to switch on the light or go
to another room.
c. You are surprised that your child is reading because usually,
you read to your child.
d. You turn on the lights and go to finish your work.
13. TV time in your home is –
a. Whenever the kids want to unwind.
b. Only weekends and non-negotiable.
c. Once in a while, you give in if your child cries for it otherwise
only weekends.
d. If your child studies more, you gift him with extra TV time.
14. Your daughter wants to play in the rain with her friends. You:
a. Let her go cheerfully, and tell her to have a good time.
b. First say no, but when she pleads, you let her go.
c. Refuse to let her go. You don’t want her falling sick.
d. Negotiate with her and decide on around 10 minutes and
then give her some warm water.
15. Your child has an essay competition, and you want him to get
the first prize. You:
a. Write the essay for him.
b. Help him write it by dictating him the points.
c. Leave it entirely up to him.
d. Discuss with him and then let her write it in his own words.
16. While your child sleeps:
a. You tell her a story.
b. You discuss the highs and lows of your day.
c. You kiss her good night and she reads and sleeps by herself.
d. Give her a tight hug, pray together and sleep.
Teacher- Relaxed-
Yoga-Parent Parent Busy-Parent
Parent
(Authoritative (Neglectful
(Authoritarian (Permissive
style) style)
style) style)
1. C A D B
2. D A C B
3. D C A B
4. C A B D
5. C B A D
6. B A C D
7. B A C D
8. B A C D
9. B A C D
10. C B A D
11. A C B D
12. B A C D
13. C B D A
14. D C A B
15. D B A C
16. B A D C
1. Yoga-Parent (Authoritative parenting style):
You believe in connection before correction.
ou usually constructively answer all the questions that your
Y
child asks.
You brainstorm and problem-solve with your child.
ou don’t tell what needs to be done; instead, you give him/her
Y
options to choose from.
ou set clear rules, expectations and consequences of behaviour,
Y
discuss with them and follow through with the stated
consequence.
ou actively listen to what your child is saying and focus on
Y
developing an internal discipline clock in your child rather than
getting him/her to obey orders due to the fear of punishment.
You focus on open communication and natural consequences.
2. Teacher-Parent (Authoritarian parenting style):

You enforce non-negotiable rules and punishment.
ou often say “Because I said so!” when your child asks you a
Y
question.
ou decide the schedule for your child and expect them to
Y
follow it.
Your goal is to raise successful and disciplined individuals.
ou are good at setting boundaries and making sure your
Y
children follow them promptly.
ou try to endow your children with life skills that they can
Y
apply in the future.
our style of parenting is more futuristic to prepare children for
Y
obstacles and problems.
3. Relaxed- Parent (Permissive parenting style):

You rarely enforce rules.
hen your child is throwing a tantrum, you are likely to
W
surrender and change your NO to a YES.
You pamper and overindulge in the child to avoid conflict.
ou communicate openly with your kids and usually let them
Y
decide for themselves, rather than giving direction.
You don’t enforce clear rules and expectations.
our goal is to keep your child happy, and you are willing to go
Y
through any length for that.
ou work around your children and your schedule is decided
Y
according to them.
You want to be more of a friend to your child, than a parent.
4. Busy- Parent (Neglectful parenting style):

ou have a busy schedule and are unable to take out too much
Y
time for your child.
You have limited engagement with your child.
You rarely implement rules.
You are struggling with your own life and issues and are unable
to contribute wholeheartedly to your child’s upbringing.
ou check once in a while but leave the child to your help or
Y
another family member most of the time.
Once you have identified which style you follow, you can
modify your reactions and change your style based on the
situation. The most successful parents know when to modify their
style based on the situation. An ‘Authoritative’ parent may want
to become ‘Permissive’ when a child is ill by providing warmth
and affection and letting go of some control. For instance, the
parent may say, “Sure, you can watch some extra TV today.”
On the other hand, a ‘Permissive’ parent may want to follow
a stricter approach if the child’s safety is at stake. For instance,
when crossing a busy street, the parent may say, “You are going
to hold my hand whether you like it or not.” Use your best
judgement and keep modifying your style based on your child
and the situation. Remember, the parenting style that works for
your family at that time is the one you must use.
CONTENTS
SECTION 1: The Challenges that I Face as a Parent

1. I am facing Post-Partum Depression................................. 2
2. I want to be a perfect mother.............................................. 7
3. I am tired of doing everything myself............................... 10
4. I am scared my child will catch an infection.................... 14
5. I am a possessive mother................................................. 17
6. I am a pessimistic parent.................................................. 20
7. I am feeling guilty .............................................................. 25
8. I am a busy mother............................................................ 29
9. My husband and I fight in front of our kids ..................... 34
10. I need to always be right ................................................. 39
11. I am tired of repeating myself......................................... 42
12. I feel like I have given up my goals for my children ...... 46
13. I often lose my patience.................................................. 49
14. I shout too much at my child .......................................... 51
15. I just hit my child…........................................................... 56
SECTION 2: How do I Help My Child???
1. How do I connect with my child? ..................................... 62
2. How do I identify my child’s strengths?............................ 67
3. How do I make my child honest? ..................................... 74
4. How do I make my child expressive? ............................... 78
5. How do I make my child mindful? .................................... 82
6. How do I make my child considerate? ............................. 86
7. How do I make my child humble?..................................... 90
8. How do I make my child overcome shyness? ................. 95
9. How do I increase my child’s attention span? ............... 100
10. How do I inculcate creativity? ...................................... 104
11. How do I help my child manage anger? ...................... 108
12. How do I teach my child patience? .............................. 113
13. How do I help my child apologise?............................... 117
14. How do I help my child handle failure? ........................ 123
15. How do I make my child confident?............................. 127
16. How do I raise a leader? ............................................... 130
17. How do I make my child make informed decisions? .. 134
18. How do I set smart boundaries?................................... 138
19. How do I teach my child to protect
herself/himself from abuse?......................................... 143
20. H
ow do I make my child believe in the
eternal power of the universe?...................................... 148
SECTION 3: M
y Child Reacts like this...
What should I do?
1. My child is hyperactive.................................................... 154
2. My child doesn’t do anything on his own....................... 157
3. My child finds faults in everything.................................. 160
4. My child doesn’t like how he/she looks.......................... 163
5. My child doesn’t eat veggies........................................... 166
6. My child throws tantrums every day............................... 169
7. My child doesn’t share..................................................... 173
8. My children are fighting................................................... 176
9. My child hits others......................................................... 179
10. My child misbehaves in public...................................... 183
11. My child bullies other kids............................................. 186
12. My child lies................................................................... 190
13. My child does the opposite of what we say................. 193
14. My child back-answers and screams........................... 197
15. My child watches a lot of screen.................................. 202
Section 1
THE CHALLENGES THAT
I FACE AS A PARENT
If I had my child to raise all over again,

I’d finger paint more and point the finger less.
I’d do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off the watch and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious and seriously play.
I'd run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.
I would be firm less often and affirm much more.
I'd build self-esteem first and the house later.
I’d teach less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.
It matters not whether my child is big or small,
From this day forth, I’ll cherish it all.
- Diana Loomans
1
CHALLENGE # 1
I AM FACING
POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION
“ You do not have to suffer in silence or feel ashamed.

Our babies need us to be healthy during
a time when we are overwhelmed the most.”
- Brittany Willow Mayer
A ngela came looking extremely exhausted, as a mother who

had just delivered would. She was full of self-doubt and
guilt, and uttered, “Sidhika, is there something wrong with me? I
just don’t feel attached to my baby. I remember when I had Jane,
I was over the moon and savoured each moment with her, but
the second time I felt extremely pressured and lonely. I was very
excited when I conceived my second child but after giving birth,
I only feel like crying, being alone, and doing nothing. I feel like
I can’t make any decisions on my own, and I am constantly torn
between the two children. I can’t explain this feeling to anybody.
Even though I have a reliable support system, I am still reluctant
to share my feelings with anyone.”
2
I AM FACING POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION
“I had imagined falling in love with those innocent eyes, that

cute smile, and the small little fingers. Instead, all I can focus on
is the amount of work nurturing a baby carries — the sleepless
nights, the constant cleaning, and the tidying up of the house to
keep all the germs away.”
Although after her first child, Angela was more prepared for
the second, yet she felt insecure, self-doubting, fretful and low.
Little did she know that what she was feeling was extremely
normal! Her energy now, instead of being focused on recovering,
was split between the two kids who needed her. However, in
the process, she had lost herself. Her firstborn was four years
old and already demanded a lot of her direct time in terms of
engaging activities, wanting her to be around and clinging on to
her throughout the day. The only time Angela got for herself was
the three hours Jane was in school, but now she had Maya, who
was two months old, wanting to be held, cuddled, caressed and
looked after!
She was going through Post-Partum Depression (PPD),
as psychologists term it. An extremely valid and normal phase
that parents can go through. It is nothing to worry about unless
it becomes debilitating and affects one’s daily life. One would
imagine that the second time around, one would feel comfortable
and confident as a mother. Nevertheless, post-partum depression
can come at any time.
The birth of a baby triggers powerful emotions ranging from
excitement and joy to fear, worry and anxiety. But sometimes,
it also results in something one might not expect at all —
Depression!
3
SUPER CHARGE YOUR PARENTING
When I told Angela that she might be battling a mild form of

depression, it was difficult for her to comprehend. According to
her, this was the happiest day of her life. She had been looking
forward to giving her daughter a sister and was extremely excited
to be a mother again. For the bubbly, enthusiastic and proactive
Angela, it was petrifying to digest a feeling of loneliness, neglect,
doubt and instability. So, while talking to her, I validated her
feelings and explained that PPD could happen to anyone, at any
age, and listed out some points for her to come to grips with.
1. Post-partum depression is no fault of the parent and either of
the parents could go through this. Also, it could happen to a
new mother or a veteran.
2. Depression by no way means that one is unhappy with the
baby; it only means one’s body and mind are going through
changes that one is unable to grapple.
3. Baby blues are common after childbirth and the symptoms
are mood swings, crying spells, anxiety and sleepless nights.
When this is prolonged, it could manifest into Post-Partum
Depression, which when treated promptly with a counsellor,
can be overcome.
4. A lot of parents remain in denial of this emotional state as it
can be difficult to comprehend that this seemingly happiest
time of their life could evoke negative emotions.
5. Reasons for Post-Partum Depression entail a dramatic drop in
hormonal levels, sleep deprivation, not having enough support
or even no reason at all. Nevertheless, the truth is that if you’re
going through this, you need to accept it and find a way out
of it.
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I AM FACING POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION
Here are some tips to combat Post-Partum Depression (PPD):

First, you need to accept that these feelings are normal and you
have to make conscious efforts to come out of them.
Seek a counsellor for guidance and reassurance.
Ask for help by taking small steps to involve other family
members and build a support system.
Set aside 30 minutes of “self-fulfilment time” daily to do
something that keeps you happy and content.
Take out time to rest daily.
Eat healthy and exercise regularly.
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Reflection:
As a parent have you gone through the symptoms of
Post-Partum Depression?
Do you think awareness of PPD would have helped
you cope better?
If you had sought counselling, would it have helped
you?
Would you be able to help young parents to identify the
symptoms of PPD and advise them to seek help?
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CHALLENGE #2
I WANT TO BE A PERFECT
MOTHER
“There is no way to be a perfect mother and

a million ways to be a good one.”
- Jill Churchill
A serious-looking Nisha met me, sitting erect on her chair,

with a diary in front of her, ready to take notes, checking
her camera on the phone to see if her 7-year-old was okay.
Nisha always wanted to be on top of the game and handle her
schedule and her child’s busy class schedule with precision and
flawlessness.
“I want everything to be perfect!!” She exclaimed. “A
meticulously organised closet, neatly tied hair, children always
listening to me and being on time everywhere — the works!
That’s how I had imagined it in my head at least!”, she said.
“Every time I see a messy closet or my child running late for a
class, I beat myself about it. I feel I am to blame and that I could
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have handled it better.”

Nisha was a corporate employee and was used to doing things
on time and getting things right the first time around. The more
she needed to be perfect, the more it drew her away from her
goal of peace and happiness. She was losing out on her present
happiness. Instead of enjoying and joining in her child’s play,
she would worry about how she would have to keep things away
after playtime.
She wanted to be better every day and for everything to be
ideal. But, instead of constructively finding ways for a better
future, she would just worry and blame herself. She was just
getting trapped in the cycle of negative thoughts and losing out
on valuable time.
So the next time you catch yourself blaming yourself, or
imagining about that perfect future, or feeling bad about your
children still taking a bottle, still not following toilet training,
or still not sleeping by themselves; just remember the following
recommendations:
ake a priority list: List out things that are affecting you.
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Then make three categories on the intensity of how much they
are affecting you like: severe, moderate, and irrelevant. Once
you write it down, you will automatically eliminate irrelevant
frustrations and focus only on the important concerns.
ive in the moment: More importantly, learn to enjoy the
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present moment and remember children will grow up and most
of these concerns will become history. Blaming yourself will
only add to negative self-esteem, a mentally drained mother,
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I WANT TO BE A PERFECT MOTHER
and a self-doubting individual.

But remember my friends, for now, be in the moment and
don’t beat yourself for perfection! Because no child has a perfect
mother and no mother has a perfect child, perfection itself is
relative for everyone. Perfection is a myth in itself and what a
new mother requires is mental and physical strength. In this
scenario, if Nisha runs after her version of perfection, then she
is destined to face a breakdown. We need to understand that
everyone has their journey and their fair share of ups and downs.
Trying to be perfect takes too much time and energy. Enjoy the
present! Stressing about the future to be perfect is irrelevant
as most of the time, you are the only one who will notice the
difference anyway.
Reflection:
Were you over-demanding from yourself or your
children in pursuit of excellence, without being able to
prioritise severe, moderate, or irrelevant behaviours?
Was your phobia for perfection destroying the present
moment?
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CHALLENGE #3
I AM TIRED OF DOING
EVERYTHING MYSELF
“I’m tired. I’m also tired of being tired. I also realise that one day
I will get all the sleep I need because my children won’t live here
anymore, and that makes me sad.”
- Bunmi Laditains
R ani looked exhausted. When she met me, she exclaimed,

“I can’t live up to everybody’s expectations. There are
innumerable chores that are never-ending. I need to cook for
the family, teach my children, clean up their room, solve fights
between the children, and look after my in-laws. There’s just so
much I need to do but I get burnt out. I don’t have help and I feel
like I am in this all by myself. I feel worthless the whole time.”
Similarly, many parents throughout the globe feel they
need to do everything themselves, making them mentally and
emotionally exhausted. This results in parental burn-out. When
you are constantly focusing on your child’s needs and fulfilling
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I AM TIRED OF DOING EVERYTHING MYSELF
all their needs of time, attention, and daily chores all by yourself,
you may be left with nothing to give. It may feel like you are
constantly in a giving mode and have no time to fulfil your own
needs.
To tackle this situation, the first thing you need to do is to
communicate with your partner and ask for help. You can decide
to divide your work with your spouse and additionally, you can
also teach your children to contribute to the household chores.
I also faced the same scenario during online schooling. My
children developed a bad habit of asking me to get everything
for them, “Where’s my pencil?”, “Where’s my notebook?”,
“Where’s my eraser?” and most often, I would just hand to them
in their hand. I didn’t realise that by spoon-feeding, I was not
helping them. Instead, they weren’t learning to do anything by
themselves. Then I realised that I had to change and trust my
children to do things by themselves.
Children have an inherent nature of helping. My three-year-
old just loves putting clothes in the washing machine, throwing
things in the dustbin, making his bed and putting away his own
toys, but that’s only if I encourage him to do so and convert it
into a game or a fun activity. When kids are young, they feel
important and valued by doing these chores because, for them,
it’s an activity and not work.
Let’s make a habit of motivating kids to help us around the
house. It helps them become more responsible, accountable, and
also understanding and appreciative towards the work we as
parents do.
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Chores need to be made a part of their daily routine. We can

allocate different duties with specific instructions to children
under six years of age and also make daily clean-ups a family
project. I have particularly observed kids love cooking, so we
can get them to assemble their own fruit salad or a light snack.
Through this, they will feel a sense of responsibility.
So, make sure that you don’t do everything yourself; involve
your kids in your work to help them and yourself.
Here are two ways on how to delegate work to children:
ost a chore chart: Write clearly what is expected from each
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family member and post it in an easily visible place. They must
finish their daily chores as drawn on the chart. It may take time
in the beginning for them to follow the orders and understand
the scheduled new routine but once they start doing it, it will
be a win-win situation for both.
ake a reward system: It is a proven fact that when children are
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rewarded for the chores, they are more motivated to perform
them. So, we should use this mechanism to set up a reward
system where every week if their room is cleaned regularly, or
the clothes are picked regularly, they can get 10 minutes extra
screen-time, or an extra bedtime story etc.
As a parent, we need to know and understand that once we
start delegating work to our children, we are freeing up time for
ourselves which means we have more time to do more meaningful
things with them. We are also investing in the children into
becoming more organised, self-reliant, responsible and capable.
This will consequently help them be more confident.
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I AM TIRED OF DOING EVERYTHING MYSELF
Reflection:
Write down a few chores you can involve your children
in.
Think about how you can make sharing responsibilities
a fun activity for them.
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CHALLENGE # 4
I AM SCARED MY CHILD
WILL CATCH AN INFECTION
“The sign of great parenting is not the child’s behaviour.

The sign of truly great parenting is the parent’s behaviour.”
- Andy Smithson
“M y 7-year-old boy was standing on the cricket field with

his arms and legs close to his body. He was there, right
in the centre, not willing to touch anything, neither the bat nor
the ball. He said, I will catch all the germs from others if I touch
the bat.” Rita lamented with worry written all over her face.
Rita went on to say that when her son was 2-3 years of age,
he used to fall ill quite often, hence as a concerned mother, Rita
would sanitise everything he touched, put in his mouth or laid
his hands on, she would tell him to flush the WC with his elbows,
not touch bathroom doors, use tissue paper when touching
anything, and sanitise his hands after any foreign object came
in contact. She was protecting him from the germs and from
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I AM SCARED MY CHILD WILL CATCH AN INFECTION
falling ill. But in this incident, when he just froze in the field, not
wanting to touch anything and crying that he would catch germs
from them, Rita was stunned and bewildered.
She said, “A myriad of questions engulfed my mind, was
I wrong in making my child aware of the general hygiene he
needed to follow to keep himself healthy? I felt helpless. Did I
falter in educating him about infections, protecting him from
catching the flu?”
Many parents face the same challenge while raising their
children. They want to give protection and rescue them from all
potential setbacks but sometimes this may backfire.
Caring for our children and keeping them away from all the
harm is the best we can do as parents, but what we can also do is
educate them, inform them, build their immunity and then just
keep the faith that things will be okay.
Here are some ways in which you can look after your child,
especially during the pandemic:
ook after their immunity: Make sure to give them a healthy
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diet with lots of vitamins and minerals, green leafy vegetables
and multi-coloured fruits that will boost their immunity,
increase their stamina and make them feel strong. Instead of
restricting children’s explorations, give them immunity boosters
at home and let them explore their surroundings.
on’t let your children overhear constant worry: Refrain from
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talking about what’s happening in the news, the number of
cases of a particular epidemic or about your fears in front of the
child. Talk to them about taking necessary precautions but do
not instil worry and anxiety in their minds.
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Let children learn and grow: With necessary precautions, let

children go out and explore. Encourage them to wash their
hands with soap after they are back, but instead of constantly
disinfecting everything around them, emphasise the use
of traditional yet effective methods like soap and water for
cleanliness.
Reflection:
Write down a fear you have for your child. Where does
it stem from?
What could be the consequences of your fear, in the
child’s life?
What can you do to free yourself from that fear?
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CHALLENGE # 5
I AM A POSSESSIVE MOTHER
“It’s not only children who grow, parents do too.”

- Joyce Maynard
W hen my daughter told me for the first time that she wanted
to sleep in her grandparents’ room, I was disappointed
and unable to accept that she could sleep well without me. I
was afraid that she would not sleep well, have bad dreams, and
wake up crying, looking for me in the middle of the night. I
had always wanted her to be close to everybody. But wasn’t this
happening too soon?
On the personal front, I was used to cuddling with her and
having her hands and legs on me in the middle of the night. I
enjoyed her heart beating in my ears and her soft breath on my
chest. I could not even imagine that she would want to leave
me and sleep alone. I took this situation so personally that I
internalised it and felt insecure about it.
I started over analysing the event and deduced that maybe I
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wasn’t giving her enough love and that now she chose to sleep in
someone else’s room. I wasn’t able to comprehend that this was
just an innocent desire of trying new experiences. I unnecessarily
blamed myself for her not wanting to sleep in our room and was
simply overreacting.
I realised the problem was that my love for her was immense
and probably so obsessive that I could not share her with anyone
else. Moreover, I didn’t trust anyone else to take care of her
better than myself, not even my husband. My possessiveness
was making me insecure and driving me crazy. We as adults
need to understand that for a child, new experiences give huge
excitement and kids love trying new things with new people.
In retrospect, I was amazed at the lovely time she had sleeping
with her grandparents listening to stories and I was the one who
did not sleep at all in the fear of her going away from me. Most
of the time, we tend to forget that when a child is born, a parent
is also born and one has to consciously rid themselves of being
possessive and overprotective.
In a similar situation; My sister’s baby was a pandemic baby.
Naturally, along with the excitement came tons of nervousness,
anxiety and the fear of socialising. The new parents-to-be kept a
safe distance from all their social commitments when they found
out they were pregnant. They quarantined themselves throughout
the entire pregnancy to keep their baby safe. I remember when I
took her 2-month-old baby in my arms, she took him back two
minutes later saying, “He doesn’t like to be in anyone else’s arms.
He starts crying.” However, I didn’t find Krish uncomfortable or
tense in my arms. The parents were super protective about their
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I AM A POSSESSIVE MOTHER
child and feared the spread of any infection.
Some ways that you can become less possessive are:

Consciously develop security: Security is a feeling that you,
as a parent and an individual, need to develop. It takes time,
but positive self-talk helps build security and stability. As
our children grow up, we may start feeling insecure about
our place in their lives. We may feel that our kids love other
family members more, or seek others for advice and want to
spend time with others, but the more secure we are, the more
confident we feel of our place in our child’s life.
Fill their Love tank: We should always accept as our kids grow
up that they will meet new people who will make a significant
impact in their life, but the place of parents can never be
replaced. Let’s try to keep refilling their tank of love, with
positivity, gratitude, and self-worth through our compassionate
actions, loving words, and responsible thoughts.
Reflection:
Write down a plan on how you would like to make you
and your child feel secure and not be over-possessive.
Reflect on the happiness it would bring to you and your
child if you are not over-possessive and allow them to
experiment with new emotions and experiences with
new people.
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CHALLENGE # 6
I AM A PESSIMISTIC PARENT
“Being a mother is learning about the strengths you didn’t know

you had and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed!”
- Linda Wooten
R iya walked into my clinic concerned about her headache,

stress and negative thoughts.
She reported, “I am always fretting, or thinking something
bad will happen to my husband, to my kids or even to myself.
My mind is continuously churning out negative thoughts when
my children are out of the house or in school. I always have them
in my mind — have they eaten, are they okay, are they being
bullied, are they safe?”
“All these thoughts always flood my mind and keep me busy!
I constantly tell my driver to inform me whenever they reach
school or a class. I feel like I’m always preoccupied thinking
about them when they are gone. I am unable to focus or do
anything productive. I feel unsafe and worried — how will they
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look after themselves when I’m not there?, will they tell the
teacher if someone bullies them, if someone gives them a bar of
chocolate, will they eat it?”
Riya complained of feeling stuck in a spiral of never-ending
negative thoughts. She felt distracted, unproductive and overall
concerned about her family.
The first thing Riya or any other anxious parent needs to do is
consciously pull themselves out of these negative thoughts and
the only way to do this is to nip them in the bud.
Have you ever noticed whenever you think of something
negative like, “I hope I don’t get sick today”, there is usually
another negative thought that follows, “My throat is sore, my
nose is stuffy, am I getting sick”? The more negative you think,
the more negative thoughts engulf your mind and the worse you
feel!!
This is the snowball or the ripple effect!
One negative thought attracts 1000 more negative thoughts!
The question is- How to tackle these negative thoughts?
The answer is very simple, my friends!! Break the cycle —
think positive.
Have these positive affirmations resonating in your mind;
“My child is safe at school”, “My child loves school”, “She is
having fun.”
Let the ripple effect work the magic with your positive thought
patterns. Once you start the journey of positive thinking, 1000
more positive thoughts will inundate your mind and you will be
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at peace.
As an overthinking parent, it took me time to adopt this
habit but now, I feel so much more at peace with my three hearts
walking outside my body.
The sooner you catch yourself being dragged into the ripple
effect of negative thinking, the easier it is to stop. So as soon as
the first negative thought comes, counter-argue it with a positive
thought, “Phew, here I go again”, nip it in the bud and replace it
with a positive statement.
So now, whenever my children are out of the house, I imagine
them enjoying themselves, learning new skills, facing new people
and I keep saying to myself, “They are safe”, “They are happy”,
“They are comfortable” and I genuinely feel better. I encourage
the children to communicate with me when they face any
discomfort outside and give them all the resources to keep them
safe and comfortable. Apart from that, I have to make peace with
the fact that they are growing up and they are capable of looking
after themselves. There will be times when things will go wrong.
Be rest assured that your child will only come out stronger from
the experience.
Try this technique the next time you are worried about your
kids and see how things fall into place — all because of your
positive thoughts and an optimistic frame of mind.
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Here are some suggestions on how to change a negative

thought into a positive thought:
rite your thoughts: Write down ten negative thoughts that
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came to your mind during the day. In the night, write down how
many of those thoughts actually transpired. Do this for a week
and you will realize that 99% of the time the negative thoughts
were meaningless. You were forced into your negativity due to
your pessimistic frame of mind.
ake a conscious habit of thinking positively: Having learnt
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that negative thoughts are baseless, now start a new exercise by
writing ten positive affirmations daily. Instead of eliminating
negative thought patterns, consciously affirm positivity.
Proactively say, “My child is safe”, “My child is healthy”, “I am
doing everything to the best of my abilities to bring out the best
in my child”. By affirming the positive statements out loud, the
ripple effect of positivity will come your way. At the end of the
day, you will realise that by thinking positively you have invited
a cycle of positive thoughts and have a happier mind.
trive to be better every day: Read, hear, and talk about
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positivity every day. Take solace in the here and now, and affirm
that whatever is happening right now is the best possible thing
that could happen to you at that moment. The more you start
believing this, the more favourable circumstances you will
attract in your life.
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Reflection:
Write down a negative thought that often inundates
your mind.
Now replace that negative thought with a positive one
and see how easily it comes true.
Meditate on the positive thought and strive to create a
ripple effect of positive thoughts.
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CHALLENGE # 7
I AM FEELING GUILTY
“ Your words as a parent have great power. Use them wisely and
make sure they come from the heart.”
- Carolina King
H aving my kids around me all the time gets me to say

something rude, or scream at them even more. However,
yesterday when my child went to school and I had nothing to do,
I kept thinking of all the times I had ignored my child, prioritised
something else over her, or screamed at her just because I was
irritated.
When I realised I make mistakes as well I felt guilty about it.
I also felt guilty about not giving my 100 percent to my child in
that moment. When my children were around me all the time, I
often got irritated and upset at petty things, but when they were
in school, I would miss them. When I was alone, I retrospected
on the mistakes I made and realised that I should have controlled
my anger and handled the situation better.
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Guilt as a feeling takes the better of you and makes you dwell
in the past. Guilt about anything is unproductive — guilty of not
being a good parent, guilty of not being a good spouse, guilty of
not working enough. All these feelings overwhelm an idle mind
and make it helpless. Guilt arises when you don’t take the onus
for your actions. You can also feel guilty when you compare your
life to someone else’s and see them do a seemingly better job
than you.
Remember, there will always be that person who’s better than
you, who’s more well-dressed than you, who’s a more active parent
than you, who’s kids are smarter than yours, who looks happier
than you. But, what is important is what you do when you are
in that situation. Blaming yourself only makes you more guilty.
Honestly, I realised this myself when I started feeling guilty. The
feeling would multiply, and I would feel guiltier and guiltier and
guiltier as time went by.
I was addicted to this state, and my body kept demanding more
of what it was receiving. It also became an escape mechanism
from the present moment. My body seemed to have developed
an appetite for guilt. Any little thing, I would feel guilty; I started
taking everything personally and felt everything was directed
towards me. Then one day I realised that being in a constant state
of guilt was only making me a moody, anxious, depressed and an
unhappy parent. This was not what I wanted to be.
After analysing my thoughts and understanding where I went
wrong, I noticed that if I changed my belief system and realised I
was doing enough, I could create happy thoughts and feel content.
This in turn would attract happier thoughts and make me more
26
I AM FEELING GUILTY
content and elevate my state of mind. I started believing that I

was giving my best as a parent and I consciously stopped myself
from feeling guilty. The more I engaged in happiness, the more
my appetite for happiness increased. I took time to jump out of
my self-created guilt but I did this to become a happier person.
Let me share some ways to cope with parental guilt:

ccept your own pace and set your own standards: There is no
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prescribed way to do anything. As a parent, it is your decision
how you handle your children. There is no prescribed age for
your child to read or write. Some children may start reading
at five and some may read at seven, but if your child has not
started reading early, do not waste your time feeling guilty
about it. Instead, take action by reading more books to them
or exposing them to more words. Hence, focus your energy
on taking positive action towards what you can do rather than
being guilty about things that are beyond your control. Do
your part to your best and the desired results will follow. Stop
comparing yourself to other parents on social media or around
you. Set your own standards and expectations and comply with
them.
ake an implementable plan: Parental guilt makes you feel
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miserable and, at the same time, doesn’t help you improve. It
becomes more of an excuse to not do anything and just brood.
When you feel guilty about a particular aspect, make a plan you
can follow. For example, if you feel guilty about not spending
enough productive time with your child, make a schedule where
you spend twenty minutes every day to play a board game with
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your child to increase his/her general knowledge. You can buy

general knowledge building games or research questions on the
internet and do that for ten days to increase his/her general
knowledge. You can always find time wherever they are; in the
bathroom, in the car or anywhere else. The point is that you
identify an area where your child is falling behind, and you
implement an action plan instead of just feeling guilty.
Guilt is a natural emotion but knowledge on how to overcome
the guilt and transform it into productive action is the key to
success.
Reflection:
Think about a time you felt guilty. Reflect on the actions
you took to come out of the guilt.
Do you feel you are able to deal with different types of
guilt time and again?
What habits have you cultivated to not feel guilty?
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CHALLENGE #8
I AM A BUSY MOTHER
“At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s
success is the positive involvement of parents.”
- Jane D. Hull
K riti walked in saying that she wished she had four extra
hours every day. “I wake up at 6 am, make my to-do list,
am on my toes throughout the day, and still by night, I feel like I
have missed out on a few things. I am extremely stretched with
work, my family chores, children, and my goals. I want to do a
lot more, but I don’t know how to get it done. With my active
schedule, I feel stressed and overworked constantly.”
Sounds familiar??
When Kriti opened up more, she could see that she chose
to keep herself busy to feel productive and useful. The minute
she had nothing to do, her thoughts made her feel useless and
lonely. She also realised that what kept her busy were the little
thoughts that swamped her mind all the time, about places and
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times where she wanted to be perfect.

She went on to say when friends invited her for playdates
and classes she would tell them she was very busy and couldn’t
fit it in her schedule. She soon realised this was her inability to
schedule her day and balance her duties. Soon busyness became
more of an excuse and came out of fear. “If I wasn’t busy, I would
stop achieving my goals. I was busy but I started pretending to
be “busier” to reach my ambitions, do my best for the children
and keep myself happy. However, by being so busy, I realised a
portion of my mind kept me busier”, She said.
Kriti had a well-accomplished friend circle with some very
busy, yet relaxed and peaceful people. Some of them were leading
entrepreneurs, excellent teachers, CEOs and loving parents. All
of them were proficient in what they did, and yet they took out
time for everything.
Being busy was taking her away from the little pleasures of life
and was adding to her worry and confusion. By understanding
that at times it may be just her irrelevant thoughts that kept her
busy, and by choosing not to do that, she was gradually able to
take out time smilingly for play dates and chit-chats.
By following a time-management plan and learning some
time-management skills, she was able to finish her work, attend
to her social commitments and balance her time with her
children. She was busy, yet she had time for everything.
Time management is a fundamental skill that parents need to
learn. Time spent together is the basic foundation for a healthy
family. If you spend your time wisely, you will have more time
to give to your partner and your children. Time management
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I AM A BUSY MOTHER
is the foundation of a happy family. However, efficient time

management skills develop with practice.
I am sharing some ways in which you can manage your time:
ake your own priority list based on a hierarchy of importance:
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Every day create a “priority list” based on what’s important on
that day. When you are presented with opportunities, assess
whether those opportunities meet your value system and align
it with your priorities. When you say yes to one commitment,
you may be saying no to something else since you can’t do it all.
Make a conscious decision daily, choose what you are saying
yes to and, as a result, what may be denied. Identify the urgent
tasks that won’t wait, finish that first, then set a deadline for the
other tasks that need to be done. Use the Eisenhower matrix
given below to help you schedule your day.
et kids up to be independent: Delegate your responsibilities
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to them and keep enough resources around them like art and
craft supplies, puzzles, books and games so that they can keep
themselves busy.
on’t have a very tight schedule for them: Extracurricular
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activities are important but free time is equally important.
Allow for free time where no activity takes place. Plan your
weekends, play board games or just have conversations about
life. Don’t miss out on fun as a family by being an over-scheduled
household. Space out the classes and activities so that your child
doesn’t get burnt out. Every activity in which they are involved
becomes your commitment as well because you are the parent.
For your sanity, don’t go overboard on extracurricular activities.
Use technology to save time: Keep a shared Google calendar
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amongst the family members to help each other. Write down

the time you need for each activity to plan your day better.
I hope that with these tips, you will be able to justify your time
management along with the parental duties.
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I AM A BUSY MOTHER
Reference: The Eisenhower Matrix: https://todoist.com/

productivity-methods/eisenhower-matrix
Reflection:
Make a daily chart for yourself listing all the priorities.
Assess how much time in a week you want to take out
for fun activities.
Reflect on whether it was enough or you would like to
make time for more?
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CHALLENGE #9
MY HUSBAND AND I FIGHT
IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS
“It’s not our job to make kids happy. They’re allowed to be upset,
sad and feel however they feel. It’s our job to hold space for all
their feelings, so they don’t feel alone in their distress.”
- Blimie Heller
“I am always the bad cop,” Sheela blurted out. “My children

love my husband more because he doesn’t say anything to
them. But since he doesn’t do it, I have to discipline them, teach
them right and wrong and show them how to follow the rules
since I love them.”
“My husband and I disagree on everything; it’s like our first
year of marriage again”.
“I want my children to be well-disciplined, prim and proper,
obedient and compliant, while my husband is okay if they are
messy, loud or mischievous. He is at work all day, and when he
comes, he just wants to pamper them but I need them to be
34
MY HUSBAND AND I FIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS
disciplined. I don’t want to be the strict parent and the one kids
aren’t fond of.”
When you decide to have children, you may have an idea about
how you want to raise them, but when two people are raising
them in collaboration, differences will occur and with every
passing day, new behaviours will raise questions on parenting.
It is always easier to prepare to become a parent before you
actually become one. This preparation is required since it is the
relationship between parents that sets the tone and benchmark
as to how the entire family should be. When parents work as a
team, children are also more cooperative, more united with their
siblings and compassionate with each other. I am sharing some
ways to work together as a team:
e each other’s parent-chute: To be on the same page with your

B
spouse and child, make it a rule that if one parent disciplines a
child, the other parent must support it even if he/she disagrees
then. Do not express disagreement in front of your child. Later,
when things are calm, you can privately express your views and
find alternative ways to handle the behaviour, but in front of
your children, you must come across as one unified team so as
not to undermine your authority as parents. Every time you
argue with your spouse the focus shifts away from your child
to you, hence, side-lining the child’s problem at that point in
time. Therefore, keep the focus on your child whenever your
child is present.
hoose your battles: Choosing your battles helps you focus
C
your energy in the right direction and yield more productive
35
results. For instance, you and your partner could disagree on

which college your 10-year-old could go to but it’s important
to realise that things that matter at this moment need to be
given priority and the decision on the college can be taken
when the time arises. Choose which disagreements are really
relevant and voice your opinion on those.
rioritise listening over winning: Listening and acknowledging
P
your partner’s viewpoints and making each other feel heard is
more important than having the last word. Agree to disagree
but listen to each other respectfully especially in front of your
children. Resolve to listen to your partner’s ideas, ask questions,
clarify what you don’t understand, avoid interrupting and
eliminate rude comments from your conversation.
Sheela once said, I overheard my daughter telling her
grandmother, “Mom and Dad always fight.”
“I wonder how much she is observing! We have had some
amazing times as a family; did my daughter not see that?” She
said she loved her husband immensely and she assumed that it
was visible. However, disagreements did take place in front of
the children, but that is bound to happen when two people live
together, right?
Tiny brains take positives for granted and focus on things
that make them uncomfortable or those that are negative. Her
daughter’s comment was clouded with what she saw temporarily
(her mother and father fighting) but it remained in her heart.
She held on to it and remembered it when she thought about
her parents. The good and the bad can happen in front of the
children but when things get ugly, it is important to excuse
36
MY HUSBAND AND I FIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS
yourself, take a time-out and then come back. As humans, we

all tend to express disagreement and discontent. But the place
and the time of doing so is important, especially after having
children.
With guilt, Sheela said, “I could see sadness and disbelief
in my daughter’s eyes when she saw us fighting. She couldn’t
comprehend that according to her, a TEAM could also fight.”
But then, what was important was what she would do after the
argument took place. The next time Sheela and her husband
argued, they consciously made an effort to give their daughter
a reassuring hug. They explained to her that expression of
disagreements is normal but what you do after the fight is
important. As a couple, one must consciously make an effort to
display their love towards each other as well.
When a child sees his/her parents with angry faces, raised
voices, and loud tones, a part of him/her shivers inside. In the
future, he/she may fear loud sounds!
So here are a few steps that you can follow after you have
fought in front of your children:
Have a follow-up talk with children: Communicating with
your child will help him/her understand the reasons for a
disagreement and not get scared about it. What you do after
the fight is most important. Let children see how you resolve
the fight. Use it as an opportunity to teach them healthy ways of
conflict resolution.
chedule partner time: Set time for you and your partner
S
every day where you can talk undisturbed, whether it be after
the kids’ sleep or early mornings. It is essential to have thirty
37
minutes every day to talk to each other about your needs, goals
and targets.
In this manner, we can set up a good example in front of our
kids instead of painting a bad picture of conflict!!
Reflection:
Think about the messages you passed on to your child
when you and your spouse were fighting.
Commit to sharing healthy conflict resolution ways
with your child.
Write down how you can show ways that you connect
with your partner in front of your child.
38
CHALLENGE #10
I NEED TO ALWAYS
BE RIGHT
“ Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are,
not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.”-
- Bill Ayers
A s a mother, I felt I understood my children best. My husband

also played an important part but I felt I always knew my
kids’ schedule, their habits, and their lifestyle more than him. The
truth was, I spent more time with the kids, so I knew about their
daily habits more, but that didn’t discount what my husband
knew. He is equally attached to our children; he may not express
it the way I do but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care or love them.
When my husband and I went out, I would catch myself
correcting him when he referred to our children. If my husband
would say, “Aavyaan doesn’t eat carrots”, I would add, “Oh! But
now he has started eating carrots”. “If he would say, “Reyanshi
is scared of loud noises”, I would say, “Oh but she’s better now!”
39
I was only speaking the truth but ignored the fact; along with
correcting my husband, I implied he was wrong and I was right.
Now, think about it, “Have you ever been corrected by
someone in public?” and felt ‘thankful’ about it. Have you told
them, “Thank you so much for showing that I am wrong and
you’re right?”
Of course not!
The truth is that all of us, whether children or adults, hate
being corrected, especially in front of others. Correction, if done
at the right time and place, is accepted gracefully and productively.
All of us want our opinions and perspectives to be respected
and understood by others. The more you correct others, the more
you are resented and avoided, and eventually, conflicts crop up
between the husband-wife and the parent-child as well.
llow others to be right: What I said to my husband was not

A
wrong, but the timing could have been better. It could have been
avoided at that time and discussed later privately. A wonderful
strategy to become a great parent and a loving spouse is to
practice allowing others to be right. Stop correcting and choose
kindness over rightfulness. This will allow your children and
partner to become less defensive and more loving towards you.
ind the right time to voice your opinion: You don’t have to
F
sacrifice your opinions or truths but just find the right time to
say it. You will also discover the joy of participating in other
people’s happiness far more rewarding than battling your ego.
40
I NEED TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT
Reflection:
Think of a time when you corrected your spouse at the
wrong time.
Was it necessary to correct him/her at that very point or
could you have let it go?
Was the fact itself relevant for correction?
If yes, how could you have done it differently?
41
CHALLENGE #11
I AM TIRED OF
REPEATING MYSELF
“Raise your words, not your voice.

It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.”
- Rumi
E very time I am having a conversation with somebody, my

7-year-old picks up one word and remembers it, but when
I tell her something and need her to listen, she hears it and
forgets!!!
How does this work??
Selective hearing!!
She switches off her hearing when I give her instructions and
tell her to do something.
Why is that??
I get tired of repetition and so does she. The more I started
repeating myself, the more rebellion I would get from her.
42
I AM TIRED OF REPEATING MYSELF
“Mumma, stop repeating it a thousand times”. But the work

would not be done after repeated instructions. A simple chore
like brushing her teeth had to be told fifty times before she did
it. It was a struggle every day.
What I wasn’t realising was, repeating myself again and
again had trained her not to listen the FIRST TIME. I had
conditioned her to be told again and again and now, unless I
would say the same things ten times, she would not do it. She
stopped paying attention to what I would say as she knew it
would be repeated. Once this became a habit, it was perceived as
disobedience. However, it was not disobedience. She would not
listen to anyone the first time because she expected that person
to repeat themselves. This nagging turned counterproductive; it
not only did not make her listen to me but she also shut herself
off from the rest of the world. When reality dawned on me, I
switched my technique. Instead of nagging, I chose to guide her.
rite down the chores: I write down all the chores that need
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to be done daily and she has to tick whatever she has done. This
has become a habit. Yes, there may be days when she doesn’t
do it, but I have stopped repeating myself. I accept those times
when the chores do not get done and take solace in the fact that
most days the routine is followed.
ake sure you have their full attention: When I say something
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to her, I make sure she is paying full attention and is not in the
middle of an activity. I make proper eye contact when I talk
to her. Then I set the timer and let her do what is asked of her
in the given time. I have inculcated this practice in my daily
43
habits and now I feel with all my three kids, I have made great
progress. I check myself and I bite my lip when I get into the
habit of repeating.
Wait before reacting: When I want her to do something as soon
as she is asked, I wait and look at her till it’s done. Surprisingly,
more often than not, it is done!
A simple change of NOT repeating myself has made such a

huge difference in her listening abilities and her willingness to
obey. I feel proud that I have made a conscious effort to tackle
this situation.
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I AM TIRED OF REPEATING MYSELF
Reflection:
How would you react if you were told the same thing
repeatedly?
When was the last time you repeated the same
instruction?
What happened?
How did your child feel?
How did you feel?
What could you have done differently?
45
CHALLENGE # 12
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE
GIVEN UP MY GOALS FOR
MY CHILDREN
“The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness.

When you become a mother, you are no longer the centre of your
own universe. You relinquish that position to your children.”
- Jessica Lange
T oday my children went to school after eighteen months

of being with me at home because of the Corona Virus
Pandemic that struck the world in 2019. This created a huge void
within me when I thought of them leaving for their classes. A
gazillion thoughts raced in my head:
“Would they be okay?”

“Would they be able to stay for eight hours without me?”
“What if they needed something?, Who would give it to them?”
46
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE ZIVEN UP MY GOALS FOR MY CHILDREN
The kids were excited and looking forward to the first day of
their school. Both of them woke up by themselves before time,
got ready and happily went to school.
However, I was so obsessed with their safety that I sent a

sanitiser, water, two masks, a pee safe spray bottle, a box of tissue
papers and if I had a choice, I would have even sent home-cooked
food in tiffin boxes and a bottle of kaadha (a hot herbal drink).
When I sent them to school, I had a myriad of emotions
flooding my mind. I honestly wanted to keep them in the
comfort of home and just have them around me because just
their presence made me feel secure and comfortable. But was
this for them or me? I was restless the entire day and kept calling
their teachers to make sure they were fine; my insecurity was
eating me up.
During the eighteen months they were at home, I was
frustrated. I kept feeling that I had sacrificed my own personal
and professional goals for my kids. I felt I couldn’t do much
because they were at home. The guilt was eating me up all the
time and my mind played a lot of games of inadequacy and self-
pity. My selfish feelings kept reminding me that I had sacrificed
my own life and goals for my children, but the truth was that
when I had all the time to myself with all three of them in
school, I was lost. I was lost in my thoughts, imagining if they
would be okay in school, missing their presence, missing their
ears to listen to my thoughts, missing their demands, needs and
fights. I couldn’t think of anything else but them.
47
We, as parents, need to realise that whatever we are doing is

right and enough. Even if we have sacrificed our goals for them,
we need to realise that, at that given moment, it was the best
thing to do and after all, we are doing it as an investment for the
future of our own children. Once they grow up, we can pursue our
dreams. In the meantime, we can update our knowledge, pursue
relevant courses to upskill ourselves and enhance our personality.
Then at the appropriate time, we will be ready to move ahead to
conquer our dreams.
Understand the different phases of life: As parents, it is
important to understand when to prioritise your child over
yourself and vice versa. When your children are young focus on
learning new skills and honing old ones so that once the time
is right you can move towards your goal head-on.
Reflection:
Write down some goals you have for yourself.
Also, write down the timeline by when you would like
to fulfil them.
What is coming in the way of fulfilling your goals?
Can you make an action plan now?
Is it fair on blaming your children for not having time
to achieve your goals?
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CHALLENGE # 13
I OFTEN LOSE MY PATIENCE
“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make
children do better, first, we have to make them feel worse?
Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly.
Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?”
- Jane Nelson
When I had Miraaya, I was a patient mother and I kept

exercising my patience, but after my third child, I started to
lose my patience quickly. Miraaya would disobey me; I would
express anger at Reyanshi; if Reyanshi would upset me, I would
express my anger at Aavyaan. Since I had become a mother I had
promised myself to be patient and understanding, but the reality
was as the children were growing up I started losing my cool, and
without realising it, I was becoming impatient and the slightest
of disobedience was triggering my anger.
After my first child, I had been complimented enough times
for my patience, but after my third, I somehow began to lose it
49
and to add insult to injury, I started justifying that it was ‘normal’

to be impatient. After all, a working mother of three is bound to
be impatient since there is so much that she is juggling. However,
“When you know better, you do better!”
Miraaya would often complain, “Mumma, why are you getting
angry at me, it was not my fault”. “Mumma, you are being very
impatient with me”, I would snap and say, “Try and be in my
shoes!”
I would justify my behaviour by convincing myself that I have
three children and I am doing a fantastic job in bringing them
up while managing my work. On introspection, I realised that
my justification was just an excuse for me not to change. The fact
that being a mother of three shouldn’t change anything and, in
fact, it should give me three times the patience as it was my choice
to have three children. Soon I started my journey of patience and
what helped me most was to use the ‘Pause Button’.
Whenever I catch myself getting irritated, agitated, upset or
starting to blow up, I tell myself to press the pause button and for
that minute, everything stops. I consciously stop all my actions
and reactions. I swallow my words and just pause; I stand still
without a word, without a thought and just be. I press the pause
button almost every day in my life, especially when I am upset.
I set a time limit every day of 10-15 minutes to press the pause
button and dissociate myself from my surroundings. This teaches
me to be non-reactive and calm even in testing situations.
The more I increase the duration; I find that my capacity for
patience increases. Over time, my capacity has increased and I
can the press pause button in the most stressful of situations. I’m
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I OFTEN LOSE MY PATIENCE
more and more accepting of my children, rather than insisting

or prescribing as to how they should be. Becoming more patient
has added a dimension of ease and support in my life. The pause
button removes me from otherwise potent situations that could
end up leading to power struggles. I have also found if you closely
look at a child’s behaviour, you can give them the benefit of the
doubt, see the innocence in their actions and avoid potentially
flagrant situations. Once you do this, you will be a calmer parent
and enjoy many of the moments that brought you to the edge
before.
Reflection:
When was the last time you became impatient?
What did you do?
Think about when you can press the pause button.
Can you try it today?
Did it help you?
Would you be ready to practice patience periods and
increase the duration of the pause button?
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CHALLENGE # 14
I SHOUT TOO MUCH
AT MY CHILD
“Being harder on our children doesn’t make them stronger.

People are strengthened through compassion and understanding,
no matter their age or gender.”
- Lelia Schott
A s a working mother, there are times I get overwhelmed and

justify my anger. I scream too much when I shouldn’t. And
then, I am confronted by two sad, innocent eyes looking at me,
“Mumma, I’m sorry, please don’t shout at me.”
Riding with guilt, I feel terrible and I apologise for losing my
cool and composure. I often, wonder: “As an adult, is anger ever
justified?”
Anger just shows less control over oneself. Nothing was ever
accomplished with anger. I know this deep within and I see it in
my own behaviour. When my mother says something to me in
anger, I question it, I don’t listen to her, and I rebel.
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I SHOUT TOO MUCH AT MY CHILD
We as humans get tempted to displace anger from here to

there. If I am upset at my boss, I may come home and just shout
out a misplaced reprimand to my child; if I am angry with my
husband for disagreeing, I may be extra harsh on my child.
Our frustration, disappointment, resentment and anger keep
getting thrown off like a ball everywhere, bouncing around and
striking all those in contact with us. Children also learn the same
phenomena and continue to do the same as they grow up.
The trick here is to control our anger, really know the aspect in
which we are dissatisfied about and work on that wholeheartedly. If
you are upset that you are not losing weight, work on that, exercise,
diet, follow a routine rather than feel frustrated and be in a grumpy
mood with your child.
Getting angry is one thing but expressing anger through
shouting is a different ball game altogether. We should understand,
shouting never benefitted anyone. When I feel angry, there are
other ways I can express it; however, shouting should not be one
of them! Then the question is, “How do I control my anger?”
When I want to scream and shout at my kids, I remind myself
of one thing:
“How would it feel if I were in my 5-year-old’s shoes right
now?”
“How must they be feeling when their mommy said NO for
something they really wanted?”
The trick here is to develop your compassion!
Once I start seeing my child’s perspective, I no longer felt
as angry as I did ten minutes ago. Compassion helped me put
53
myself in my child’s shoes and see the situation from their

perspective. It calmed me down instantly. It helped me recognise
my child’s frustration and disappointment. I realised as their
mother compassion over anger is what I choose.
Let us understand “How to develop compassion?”
PRACTICE!
You need to be clear that you want to become compassionate
and then in moments of anger when you want to scream, pause
and become compassionate. Take a moment to see things from
the other’s perspective and then hold on. Get angry but don’t
express it for that moment. Appreciate your child’s inability
to handle the NO and reach their level and understand their
emotions. Automatically you will win their trust and eventually,
they will listen to you.
Remember, parenting doesn’t come naturally; it takes time
to be patient and compassionate and then ultimately a healthy
parent. Parenting is more about us than the child itself. It’s about
how we are feeling at that very moment. I realise I don’t want
temporary results, but a more permanent, long-term solution
where the child has a discipline clock from within and she or he
can control it, and this will only come with being firm, not with
anger.
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I SHOUT TOO MUCH AT MY CHILD
Reflection:
As an adult think of all the times when anger has yielded
harmful results both in personal and professional life.
If these situations were handled with compassion,
would they have given better results?
If yes, think if you had not expressed anger at your child
and showed more compassion, how much love and
happiness would you have gotten?
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CHALLENGE #15
I JUST HIT MY CHILD…
“Hitting a child doesn’t teach them that the stove or the

road or the outlet isn’t safe. It teaches them that the
person hitting them isn’t safe.”
- L.R.Knost
W hen anger takes the best of us, we don’t have anything in

our control. When Miraaya was three years old, I took
a hairbrush and threw it at her. This incident taught her two
things: It’s okay to throw things at people and it’s okay to express
your angry negatively. Little did I know this then. I thought it
was normal; after all, when we were in school, our teacher used
to hit us with a ruler on our palms and we submissively obeyed
them.
Unconsciously I learnt that if I wanted to get things done,
I had to use physical means to threaten or scare my child and
then he/she would obediently listen. Experience taught me this
wouldn’t work. When I flung the hairbrush at her, my intention
56
was not to hurt her, but it was to scare her a little so that she
would comb her hair properly.
Unfortunately, I scared her once and she did what I asked of
her but the next time, she flung the TV remote at me. Yes, she
had learnt that it was okay and that I would listen to her (like she
did to me) and let her watch more television. What goes around
comes around and it did.
I had known hitting doesn’t work, but I still did it, not
consciously, but out of rage. I know I shouldn’t have and it took
me a long time to confess and come to terms with the fact I had
hit my child even though I loved her. But, once I admitted it to
myself and told myself hitting was not an option, things became
better. I know I shouldn’t pinch, slap, or throw anything at my
child but, in extreme anger, I don’t have control and I end up
making that mistake.
If any of you have ever done something on these lines, don’t be
too hard on yourself. You must understand it was not intentional
and forgive yourself for it but also resolve not to do it again.
Understand the long-term effects of hitting and it’s negative
impact on your children. Every time you are tempted to get out
of control, walk away from the situation. Isolate yourself and
once you have gathered your thoughts, come back and attend to
your child.
What to do when you feel like hitting:

o not act: The most important thing to remember is whenever
D
you are angry and feel an urgency to act, or teach your child
a lesson, remember it is not an emergency. It is your anger
57
talking. You need to wait; you can teach your child the lesson
later when you are calmer. Control yourself from taking any
action when you are angry.
et a restriction before you get angry: Before you get angry, take
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action. We often get angry with our children or ourselves after
the problem escalates. Instead, intervene before the problem
gets out of hand and drives us to anger. The minute you feel
triggered, intervene before the problem gets uncontrollable. For
example, if your child is playing a video game and not listening
when asked to stop, make sure you do not get angry and give a
deadline, set the timer and control your anger from escalating.
alm down before you say anything: Nothing said in anger
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works; we all know this but we continue to do it! It is
recommended to first calm yourself down, stop everything you
are doing, take a deep breath, pause and ask yourself – “Do
you want to get controlled by these emotions?” Now, remind
yourself that this is not an emergency, divert your attention,
maybe force a smile and take some time off. As you start to
calm down, you can say something like, “Once we are all in
control, we will talk about it.”
ake a pact with yourself: Make a contract with yourself for
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your weak moments. List down some reactions that you permit
yourself to do when you are extremely angry. Make a pact not
to hit but instead, you can decide to excuse yourself, go for a
walk, or take some time and express yourself more effectively
later.
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What to do if you have already hit your child:

s soon as you hit your child and feel guilty about it, apologise
A
first and tell him/her that your action is inexcusable. You can
say, “I am sorry; I realise that when I did this, I hurt your
feelings; I shouldn’t have hit you. Can we please agree on how
to move forward?”
alk to your child about what and how he/she felt; if they
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permit, hug them, connect with them on their level and make
them feel comfortable.
o not push them to talk to you. If they need time, respect that
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and give them their space.
y taking full responsibility for your behaviour, you are teaching
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them to be accountable for their behaviour and teaching them
that others should be accountable too. Hitting is inexcusable
and a forbidden action to take no matter how angry you are.
Yet it may happen many times. At that point of time, recognise
your mistake and take the necessary steps to rectify it and build
your child’s trust in you again.
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Reflection:
Have you ever hit your child?
If yes, what prompted you to?
What steps can you take to prevent this from happening
in the future?
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Section 2
HOW DO I HELP
MY CHILD???
“Respond to your children with love in their worst moments,
Their broken moments,
Their angry moments,
Their selfish moments,
Their lonely moments,
Their frustrated moments,
Their inconvenient moments.
Because it is in their most unlovable human moments that
they most need to feel loved.”
- L. R. Knost
CHALLENGE # 1
HOW DO I CONNECT WITH
MY CHILD?
“Children don’t say, “I had a hard time, can we talk?”

They say, “Will you play with me?”
– Lawrence Cohen
W eekdays finish at the pace of lightning in my house like

in most houses, replete with a monotonous routine,
homework to complete, classes to attend, and chores to do.
However, usually by Wednesday/Thursday, I see a paradigm shift.
I start noticing that my kids start getting more irritable, cranky,
tired, and unhappy. That’s when I realise that this humdrum
routine has kept them extremely busy and hasn’t left any time
for all of us to connect as a family. When children feel a void in
connection, they start misbehaving, throwing tantrums, getting
irritable and moody.
Connecting with the family is not about teaching, correcting,
or explaining things. It is just about being present and celebrating
62
every moment. Connection comes from accepting and loving

your child the way he/she is. You can correct your children only
after you have connected with them. Once you connect with
them, correction becomes easier, and children are more likely to
listen to your perspective openly.
Therefore, every night I make sure to give all of us ten
minutes to connect before we sleep. During this time, we
connect in simple ways, in a game of highs and lows, sometimes
just showing physical affection and sometimes just talking and
saying something that we didn’t enjoy etc.
Children thrive when they know they are truly connected
with their parents. They need to talk, express themselves or they
may just need just your company at times. Sometimes when we
are busy with our deadlines, household chores and other duties,
a child may start feeling disconnected. You need to recognize
that and just hug them to re-establish the connection. You will
automatically notice your child becoming more empathetic
towards your busy schedule and understanding towards your
responsibilities.
Here are some ways to connect with your child:

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elebrate small wins: When your child resists the urge to throw
a temper tantrum, or when he/she shares with a sibling, or
when she is patient with you, celebrate it! Show small gestures
of appreciation by complimenting them, posting about it on a
“proud wall” outside their room, or taking them for a family treat
to celebrate the win. The more you celebrate little victories in
parenting, the stronger your connection will be with your kids.
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im for physical connection daily: The more comfortable you

A
make your child with physical display of affection, the more
your child will be able to express his feelings. It is said that
we usually need four hugs a day for survival, eight hugs for
maintenance, and twelve hugs for growth. So ask for hugs and
kisses when you are feeling distant and gradually your child
will learn to ask for hugs and kisses when he/she is feeling
disconnected as well.
ave gadget-free periods: When your child is talking to you,
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keep your gadget away! This is a sure-shot way of building
connection and showing your child how important he/she is.
When your children see an undisturbed, fully attentive parent
looking at them and giving their 100 % towards them, their
excitement levels rise, and they feel more wanted and welcomed
to share their problems with you. Similarly, when you are in the
car, turn off the music and invite them to connect and talk to
you.
earn to laugh at yourself: Laughter keeps a family connected
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by stimulating endorphins and oxytocin for everybody. Make
laughing a daily habit and laugh at yourselves as well. This will
help them laugh out their anxieties and insecurities, which
may otherwise make them feel disconnected. Instead of just
instructing them to come to eat their breakfast, say it in a fun
and inviting manner, “Little monkey, it’s time to refuel your
energy” “What do monkeys eat for energy?” Such dialogues
will increase the fun quotient and strengthen the connection
with your child.
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Make sure you have a one-on-one time scheduled with your

child: Schedule fifteen minutes every day apart from daily
chores and routine tasks to do what they want and connect
with them on their level.
Be present: Sports practices, parent-teacher meetings, just
about anything where you need to be there for your child,
make sure you are physically and mentally present. Most of us
go through life’s important activities by being half-present in
them. When you’re interacting with your child, show up 100%.
Just be right here, right now, and let everything else go. Shift
your attention to the present and soon it will become a habit.
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Steps To Implement:
Write down two ways you will connect with your child.
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
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CHALLENGE # 2
HOW DO I IDENTIFY MY
CHILD’S STRENGTHS?
“If you want your child to improve,

focus on their strengths more than their weaknesses.”
- unknown
S ince childhood, I have seen that my parents nurtured each

child’s soul in different ways. My parents were always
very wary of competition and comparison. They made a very
conscious and intentional effort to never compare the three of us
and always nourished us the way we needed it. As parents, they
gave us all the same values, morals and ethics but when it came
to our strengths, they tried to identify each one’s very differently
and appraised our morale based on that.
My father always made an extra effort to make sure none of
us felt suppressed by the other. He also always wanted each one
of us to develop our niche. When he recognised my interest in
philosophy, psychology and writing, he encouraged me to pursue
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that and kept pushing me towards that direction. In the year

2000, the International Baccalaureate (IB) board was a lesser-
known board in the country and most kids studied in CBSE.
However, since I was not interested in Math, Science or Arts, he
made sure I was not limited to those options.
His relentless research discovered the IB board for me, which
was available in Mahindra United World College of India
(MUWCI), Pune. Not once did he think of anything else, but
only of nurturing my strengths and sent me to a boarding school
in the 11th grade, regardless of opposition from all sides.
For him, our strengths overpowered everything else, and he
wanted to hone each child’s talents in different and exemplary
ways. He never believed in following the crowd and each child
was considered an individual, and choices were made based
on his/her strengths and interests. I remember everybody in
the family were extremely reluctant to send me to a boarding
school as I was an extremely shy, fearful, and submissive girl.
Nevertheless, his decision unfolded my potential and helped me
grow immensely.
While growing up, each one of us was taught that we had
a unique purpose of serving in life and that when we did
something we were truly passionate about, we would be driven
by the universe and the dynamism of our purpose. I was never
pressured into finding my true calling but was guided towards it
just by my parents recognising my strengths and giving fuel to
those strengths that most needed to be ignited.
At my home, we have developed a strength-focused
vocabulary where we don’t just talk about the subjects we are
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HOW DO I IDENTIFY MY CHILD’S STRENGTHS?
good at, but the innate characteristics we have and those that
we can enhance and work upon. Professionally, I call myself a
strengths-focused psychologist because I believe that when I
meet a client, I understand their strengths the most and then try
to help them navigate through their life, keeping their strengths
in mind. Identifying, understanding, and then building your
child’s strengths are very important and can be done from an
early age.
What I did for my children was that I made a note of the
strengths that they had and as they grew older, I kept revising
them. Like, Miraaya has the strength of resilience, as I know
that she adapts herself to any situation that she goes into and
solves the problem by herself. Reyanshi’s strength lies in logic;
she understands board games very fast and uses her mind to
logically find answers quickly.
Strengths are visible, but sometimes they can be invisible and
innate as well. Like the clown of the class, who makes silly noises
on the playground, demands other kids to look at him when he
hangs upside down on the monkey bar. It can be seen that he has
the strength of being charismatic and can influence and have a
strong impact on others.
As parents, shifting your spotlight into facets where a child
shines and derives his/her energy from is the best way to identify
their strengths. We must also strive to perceive positives in
superficially negative/unproductive behaviour of the child. Some
strengths are innate and with the right direction, they can be
enhanced.
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Ways to enhance your child’s strengths:

ook for hidden cues: We can identify a child’s strengths by
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identifying their weaknesses and understanding that it could
be a potential strength but just expressed in a mal-productive
way. For instance, Aanya, was known as the arguer of the
class. She would constantly argue on everything the teacher
said and would find facts to prove the teacher wrong. She
was well-researched and an avid reader, but she wasn’t afraid
to tell the teacher she was wrong. Her behaviour could easily
be viewed as obstinate, dominating, or stubborn but if you
dig deep, you would find her strength of being determined,
devoted, articulate and confident. Once you have identified that
relentless confidence is her strength, you could find productive
ways to nurture it further and give her opportunities to display
this strength rather than focus on it’s negative aspects.
eep a strengths journal: I have a habit of keeping a diary
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where I jot down things I observe about my kids. I take notes
of some activities that my kids shine in, things they don’t do
too well, and activities they enjoy daily. Some of the questions
that you can answer in your strengths journal are:
• What does your child enjoy doing?
• Where does he/she get energy from?
• When is he/she in the happiest frame of mind?
• How does he/she express himself/herself ?
• Which tasks bore him/her?
evote time and attention on what works: Every child has
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some strengths and some weaknesses. They cannot be good at
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everything. Identifying areas where they excel and areas where

they are average will give you more time and attention to focus
on the skills that need to be strengthened. A fertile ground is
more prone to give better fruit. Hence, identify the area that
is already fertile and work to improve it by giving it the right
fertilisers. For instance, if Maths is not a strong subject for your
child, make him/her practice it so that he/she doesn’t get left
behind, but instead of focusing all your energy on Maths, focus
on the craftwork or art that he/she is good at or the experiments
which he/she invents by himself/herself. People who rise to the
top of their field have usually capitalised on their strengths
rather than focusing on eliminating their weaknesses.
ake your child self-aware: The more you talk to your child
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about their strengths, your strengths, and the family’s strengths,
the more adept they will become in noticing, identifying, and
emancipating their strengths. Self-awareness is a life skill that
benefits us forever, where we can identify our strengths and
weaknesses and get to know ourselves very closely.
on’t limit praising to just a “Great Job”: A ‘Good Job’ limits the
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conversation and closes it. Instead of that, talk about what he/
she used to succeed. For example, if your child has finished his/
her homework independently, instead of saying, ‘Well Done’,
you could point out the skills that she needed for her homework
and compliment her on her self-sufficiency, sincerity, and the
skills that she has used to finish her work, promptly. This helps
reinforce your child’s positive self-image in her own eyes as
well as yours. Identification of skills and speaking about them
opens doors to more skills and builds on the ones she already
has. Specific praise makes children understand what skills they
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are good at and helps them apply these skills in other areas as
well.
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Steps To Implement:
Identify two situations where your child stood out:
1.___________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
2.___________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
From these situations, the following are the areas of
strengths in my child:
1._____________________________
2._____________________________
3._____________________________
4._____________________________
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CHALLENGE # 3
HOW DO I MAKE
MY CHILD HONEST?
“We teach our kids how honest they can be with us based on how
we react when they tell us things we don’t want to hear.”
- Susan Stiffleman
G rowing up in a big family, someone or the other would

always complain to my father about me.
“Madhu, today Sidhika watched too much TV”,
“Papa, didi hit me today”,
“Sidhika did not eat her lunch today,”
“She was crying and behaving badly all day today”.
My father was often perceived as a policeman, and he would
have to handle any complaints that came about me. However,
my father’s policy was simple; he never entertained any
complaints made against me or my brothers from anyone else. If
my grandmother, mother or grandfather, or any school authority
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD HONEST?
told him anything about my misbehaviour, he would listen to it

but not react. He would then patiently wait for me to own up
and take charge of my behaviour and confess what I had done.
He wouldn’t get angry; he would just wait till I told him the
truth.
When my other family members would complain about me,
he would tell them, “Sidhika will eventually tell me what she has
done; I don’t want to hear it from anyone else.” I remember a
time when I had hit a household staff and I felt so guilty about
it that I eventually told my father that I had done this. He would
patiently wait till I owned up. His non-reaction and the fact
that he would listen to me non-judgementally taught me that
it’s okay to make mistakes. His non-confrontational behaviour
made me comfortable to admit my mistakes. It also taught me
to be honest, sincere and take control over my actions. I knew
that he would not simply believe what anyone else would say
about me at face value. His unshakeable faith in me, which he
established early on, has lasted in me until now.
Even now, every time I do something that I know he may
not approve of, I go ahead and tell him; not that he can do
anything about it but I just feel good that I told him and that
I’m accountable for it. This reaction of his has shown me that he
not only trusts me but also trusts his intuition when bringing me
up. After admitting my mistake I am able to take positive actions
to amend it.
This habit he had imbibed in me assured I was always close to
him and lay the foundation of being able to share all my secrets
and mistakes openly with him.
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Let me share some strategies my dad used to make me

accountable for my actions:
He never reacted when I spoke the truth, however ugly it was.
e always spoke about the importance of honesty and for him
H
honesty mattered more than the result itself. For example, If
I got grade ‘D’ in an exam, he would help me study better to
perform better but always stressed that cheating in the exam
was unacceptable.
e always asked questions before jumping to decisions like,
H
“How do you feel about joining the maths tuition?”, “How do
you feel about having two glasses of milk in the day?” and “How
did you feel about not brushing today?”
e encouraged quiet reflection before big decision making.
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Whether it was deciding to play a new sport or dating, he
always encouraged me to reflect on my actions.
e used characters in stories to discuss morals and values. At
H
night he used to tell me stories of heroes who had the courage
to be true to themselves however difficult it was for them. He
used to point out their weaknesses but always highlighted how
the truth would triumph ultimately.
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD HONEST?
Steps to Implement:
Two steps I can take to make my child more honest:
1.___________________________________________
_____________________________________________
2.___________________________________________
_____________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #4
HOW DO I MAKE
MY CHILD EXPRESSIVE?
“Always kiss your children good night

even if they’re already asleep.”
- Jackson Brown Jr.
W e have a very interesting ritual in our family, where all of

us portray our emotions artistically to express ourselves.
We either write something or draw on every occasion and express
ourselves to each other. When my kids were young, I used to
write cards on their birthdays and without any occasion as well. I
exhibited this gesture whenever I wanted to say something special
to them, when I wanted to make them feel better, especially after
a disagreement.
Soon the kids adopted this habit as well. Reyanshi would
make cards for Miraaya with illustrations and a few words like,
“I love you and I miss you” when they would fight. If Miraaya
was out for too long in school, cards would be waiting for her at
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD EXPRESSIVE?
home, expressing how much the kids missed her. These special
cards have become an integral part of our lives. Little notes
expressing love are often found in our cupboards, under doors,
on our side tables and on our computers. We take great joy in
expressing ourselves and feel super loved and warm inside.
Some ways in which we can encourage our kids to express

themselves is:
ake emotions a daily give and take: Talk about your emotions
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and feelings and let kids do the same. Don’t let your child’s
anger trigger you; welcome the tears and the fears that may hide
behind the anger. Express what you love about your children,
send them notes and encourage them to talk about themselves.
mpathise and listen closely: Bonding and connection
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start with listening. If you feel you are tempted to interrupt
a conversation with your kid, wait for your child to finish
everything they are saying. Using words like “uhhum”; “I feel
you”, “I get you” encourage your children to express themselves
without any inhibitions. When you start seeing things from
your child’s perspective, they will feel respected and then you
will find that solutions can be found as a team.
avour each moment of expression: Enjoy their company
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when they come and talk to you, even if it’s a few sentences.
Your child may come and say, “I don’t like that boy; he hits
me”! Instead of reacting immediately and saying ill about the
incident or the boy, or calling his mom, wait for them to finish
as they may reveal something more important. Whenever your
child shares an incident from school -- happy or sad, wait to
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hear all the details and how they feel about it before jumping to
conclusions. Once they are done, discuss how they felt and ask
them what action they would like to be taken?
Set a time for expression: Make sure to spend some time with
your kids either during bedtime or when they wake up. Snuggle
in with your kids and share the happenings of your day while
encouraging them to share theirs. Just listen, acknowledge their
feelings, reassure your child that you have heard their concerns
and that together you’ll help solve them the next day. Follow
up the next day and see how your relationship deepens. Your
child will be more encouraged and enthused to be articulate
and express himself/herself more freely. Follow this regimen as
your child grows.
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD EXPRESSIVE?
Steps to Implement:
How do you express yourself ?
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
How would you like your child to express himself/
herself ?
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
What steps will you take as a family to increase open
and frank expressions of concern?
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
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CHALLENGE # 5
HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD
MINDFUL?
“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how

we cultivate mindfulness”.
– John Kabat Zinn
I have an extremely busy personal and professional life, and

it becomes difficult to focus on only one thing. My mind is
constantly racing with a million things to do, and this is evident
in the way I talk to my children and family. When I speak to
my children, I often tell them five things at once, and that too
when they would be doing their homework. I would tell them
that we would be having friends over in the evening just when
my child would want to share something. I would be setting up
my appointments on the phone when my child is talking to me.
So, I am multitasking most of the time and showcase that I am
a busy person to my child.
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD MINDFUL?
By exhibiting this kind of behaviour, I role modelled myself to

my kids as a person trying to be at too many places at one time.
Often this would lead me to never really enjoy the moment. For
example, when my 2-year-old started speaking, I was so busy
recording her videos and sharing them on social media that I
missed her little murmurs and mispronunciations along the way.
With increased phone usage, truly enjoying the present
moment has become increasingly challenging but a reality check
revealed that it is even more important today than before. It has
become indispensable to pay attention and live in the moment
as we are bombarded by so many distractions. We realise when
we are not in the moment or when we have a monkey mind, we
tend to become more worried, anxious, distracted, nervous and
even negative.
It is seen, people of all ages benefit from practising mindfulness.
It teaches us to be in the accepting mode and helps us enjoy
the present moment to the fullest without letting our minds
wander into the wilderness. Mindfulness minimises anxiety and
increases happiness. It can be taught to infants, teenagers and
adults. Mindfulness involves paying full attention to your present
moment, good or bad, by paying attention to your breath.
It also helps parents to become calmer, more in control and in
turn happier. Research says that mindfulness also helps children
improve their abilities to concentrate, calm down when they are
upset and even make better decisions.
When you are calmer, you will make better decisions; hence,
mindfulness helps you regulate your emotions. However, your
children can’t be mindful if you aren’t mindful. It’s the same as,
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if you don’t know how to dance; you can’t teach your children
how to dance either. Hence, you would need to reap the benefits
of being mindful yourself first to help your kids learn from it.
Here are some very simple ways in which you and your child can
become mindful together.
ocus on the present and NOW: Play a song or the sound of a
F
bell and listen to it carefully for about 30 seconds. You can close
your eyes and do this.
ay Hi to your breathing buddy: I give my 5-year-old a stuffed
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toy and tell her to lie down on her back with her buddy on her
stomach. Then I tell her to breathe in and out and focus on how
the stuffed toy rises and falls on her belly as she breathes. This is
a great way to increase her observation and meditate.
o on NOTICING walks: Take a walk with your child; a
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noticing walk where you notice the colours of the trees, the feel
of the leaves, the smell of the flowers, the sound of the frogs
and you just do that quietly. Once you are back from the walk,
you can describe and discuss the things you saw and how they
felt in hand.
at mindfully: Make sure during mealtimes you and your
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children are eating quietly, savouring each bite, and relishing
it. This can be practised for about ten minutes during the meal.
Then you can discuss the various flavours of the meal.
on’t interrupt conversations: Take turns listening to each
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other for two minutes about anything; the only rule is that
you cannot interfere when the other is speaking. The listener is
quiet and just by visual cues must show the other person that
he/she is understanding and listening attentively.
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD MINDFUL?
Steps to Implement:
Two ways in which I will make my child more mindful:
1.___________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
2.___________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #6
CONSIDERATE?
“The most powerful way to change the world is to live in front of

our children the way we would like the world to be.”
- Graham White
A s an educator, I am passionate about giving children

wholesome education and love organising different events
for them. Last year I had organised a play for children. As a run-
up, they were taught different techniques of speech and drama
and then they performed a play as a finale performance. The day
of the performance was full of the hustle and bustle; all the kids
getting dressed up as their characters of ‘Peppa Pig’, getting their
make-up done and getting dressed. All the mothers were also
there, wanting their kids to get ready at the earliest.
While I was organising the children who were just about to
go on stage, a mother marched up to me and said, “Please do my
child’s make up first; she will get missed out.” All the children
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD CONSIDERATE?
were patiently waiting but it was the mothers who were getting
anxious and impatient. However, the fact of the matter was
that she wasn’t willing to wait. She was being inconsiderate but
putting her needs before all the other kids and mothers who
were waiting in line for their kids’ make-up. This served as a good
reminder for me that sometimes we forget that we are in the
queue and we must remember that none of us will be forgotten.
It is a group show and it will all happen if we patiently wait
and are mindful of each other. But only if we can be considerate
adults, can we raise considerate children because considerate
children grow up to be considerate adults. Her daughter was not
as concerned about her make-up as much as her mother was. She
kept pushing her in the line to go in front and get it done, fearing
she may be forgotten.
Unintentionally we push our children too much, not realising
we are making them more conscious of feeling neglected when
they are actually demonstrating the values of patience and
consideration. When we take the time to help others and be
mindful of their needs, we can make the world a friendlier,
happier and kinder place for ourselves and others, where all our
needs are met.
Being considerate is as important as being intelligent,
succeeding in school or any other accomplishment. When
you are kind and mindful of others, you are raising confident,
independent, happy and secure children. It does not mean giving
up your needs, but it means to include others needs along with
yours. It’s about taking the time to think about the other person.
The more you do that, the more loved you will be, the more
friends you’ll have and eventually, the more fulfilled you will feel.
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How to encourage kids to be considerate:

o it yourself: When kids observe you being considerate,
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they inculcate it in themselves. Seeing your kindness towards
others will inspire them to do the same because that’s the only
way they have seen. It is in the little things that you can be
considerate and mindful:
•
Looking behind you when you leave a restaurant and
holding the door for the next person
• Staying to the right in staircases so that others can walk
comfortably.
• Moving your bag off the chair so that someone can sit.
• In a supermarket, noticing that the other person behind
you has only one item to buy and letting them ahead of you
in the queue.
• W hen you see a child in the queue of a bathroom, allowing
them to go first to pee
ake being considerate a goal and point out when they are
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not considerate to others: When we see someone being rude
in public, privately point it out to the child and discuss what
he/she could have done instead to be nicer towards others. You
can also point out negative behaviour on TV shows, movies
and books to give them cues on what kindness is all about.
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD CONSIDERATE?
Steps to Implement:
Write down some places and situations where you can
be more considerate:
1.___________________________________________
2.___________________________________________
3.___________________________________________
Two steps I can take to make my child more considerate:

1.___________________________________________
2.___________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #7
HOW DO I MAKE
MY CHILD HUMBLE?
“Our children need to know that mistakes are okay, imperfections

are normal, and failure is just a step on the path to success.”
- L. R. Knost
T he most valuable quality that Lord Hanuman (of Indian

mythology) had was his humility. He was the most powerful
of all the Gods, in strength and valour, but what he is known for is
not his strength but his humility. He had insurmountable power,
but the catch was that he had to be reminded of this power every
time he needed to use it. This kept him humble and grounded.
Humility is not just being confident but making others around
you confident too! Humility is not thinking less of yourself but
simply thinking of yourself less. There are huge benefits to selfless
compassion. A humble person is confident, yet not arrogant. He
respects others while keeping his/her self-respect. As Mother
Teresa once put it: “If you are humble, nothing will touch you,
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD HUMBLE?
neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.”
Humility is the seed of many qualities. Respectfulness,
kindness, generosity, compassion, and patience all grow out of
humility. If you are humble, you think of others, you empathise
with others and eventually, you are more liked by others. This
quality also helps you become a better leader and accomplished
in your field.
“Miraaya, this answer of your’s is wrong,”, Every time I said
this to her, her answer would be, “Mumma, I knew the answer, I
just didn’t write it.” “Miraaya, you should have closed the door;
Oh Mumma, I was just going to”. These statements had become
a habit for my 8-year- old. As a growing child, she was unable
to accept that she may have made a mistake and unintentionally
kept defending herself to always be right. When I realised where
she was coming from and what she was doing, I made it a point
to admit my mistakes and every time she made a mistake to
appreciate her. “Mumma, I’m sorry I was wrong,” was a sentence
that taught her humility and made her open to change. This
changed her perspective forever and she became more accepting
of mistakes and empathetic towards others.
Humility can be instilled in different ways:

o your chores: From the beginning, children can be taught to
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do their own chores and responsibilities. This not only makes
them responsible but also teaches them that no task is big or
small. Help children volunteer and participate in events and
help out in the community. This teaches kids to serve others
and also build social skills. It also helps them overcome shyness
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and develops their confidence.

ncourage them to admit mistakes: It is difficult to demonstrate
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humility; if you cannot admit, you are wrong. It is crucial to
inculcate and imbibe the ability to own up to your mistakes if
you want to bring up a humble and honest child. When our
kids face criticism, they must learn to truly accept and listen
to it, rather than instantly defend themselves. One way to
do this is to, as parents, admit your mistakes and encourage
them to do thesame. Also when they do, instead of treating it
in a judgemental manner, listen to their mistake. Confession
makes life easier than a cover-up or a lie. Kids who feel they
can safely approach their parents with the truth are less likely
to be dishonest and defensive. When we say to our kids, “I was
wrong; please forgive me,” their respect for us increases.
I ncite team spirit: A humble person considers the needs and
feelings of others. Children under five, don’t naturally have this
ability as they only think about how they feel. When a two
year old closes his eyes, he feels nobody else can see him, as he
cannot see someone else’s perspective. Hence, children need to
be taught to be sensitive to others’ needs and feelings. As humble
parents, we can develop empathy by teaching teamwork and
encouraging team spirit in our home environment. Teaching
children to cooperate, take turns in games and lose games as
well teaches them sportsmanship, cooperation and empathy.
Reading books about how a child may feel bullied or left out
and talking to them about it will also help them understand the
other person’s outlook and feelings.
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD HUMBLE?
ncourage mature responses to accomplishments: When

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children win or do well in something, it is natural to feel a
sense of pride. However, when they win, children should feel
great but also understand how it may feel to lose and not look
down upon those who have lost. Teach children to boost the
morale of other team players around them by congratulating
them on their victory and appreciating their game if they lose.
Also, children can be taught to enjoy the feeling of doing well
along with thanking God for instilling this potential in them.
I nstil a teachable spirit: A humble person understands that no
matter how much he thinks he knows, he can still improve.
Knowing we are just drops in the ocean takes us a long way. To
make kids willing learners, let them see you looking for help
through reading, listening or seeking direction. Let children
correct you when you make a mistake and gracefully accept
it. To help kids become willing learners, we need to become
willing learners ourselves.
The next time someone shares their accomplishment with
you, feel happy for them and don’t get tempted to share your
own story with them. Listen, and share their joy. Rather than
jumping right in and saying “Once I did the same thing”, “Guess
what! I also won”, just say “That’s wonderful, I would love to
hear more.” Turning the conversation about the other person
rather than making it about yourself gives immense satisfaction.
It shows there is no competition between the two of you, and
you are just happy in listening. You also come across as a more
secure, confident, and reassured person. In turn, people feel more
comfortable, relaxed, and secure with you, enabling you to have
more friends and be lovable.
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Steps to Implement:
Is humility important to you? Would you like your child
to be humble? If yes, list out some reasons.
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
Two ways how I will make my child humble are:
1.___________________________________________
_____________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________
_____________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #8
OVERCOME SHYNESS?
“It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as

we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are
watching us see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to
reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.”
- Joyce Maynard
When I was ten years old, I used to be very fond of dancing,

but I faced a contradiction of emotions. On one hand,
whoever came over to my dance performance had to see my house
performance, not once but at least twice before they left. I used to
invite everybody to see my dance again and again. On the other
hand, I felt very shy. I was unable to greet strangers or even raise
my hand in the classroom. When I went to high school to do my
IB, I faced a lot of challenges, as IB was all about applying the
knowledge gained and presenting one’s best foot forward through
eloquence, speech and body language. However, I would never
be able to participate in group discussions or give presentations
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without stammering, feeling nervous or doubting myself.

In the United States, being underconfident was a huge
drawback as I never felt I was able to express myself a hundred
percent. I was always known as the shy girl who was unable to
participate in class. On paper, I was very thorough but when I
had to present something in front of an audience, I usually made
a fool of myself (or so I thought).
Nevertheless, I was very, very lucky because I kept getting
opportunities in the United States where I had to go beyond my
comfort zone and push myself to speak fluently, present myself
confidently, lead a group of students, and become an assistant
professor. These opportunities helped me discover my hidden
potential to help push myself and become an articulate and
charismatic speaker.
But as a parent, I don’t want to wait for so long for my children
to unlock their potential. Public speaking is an important skill,
and it is an acquired skill; hence I try and teach these skills at
an early age to my child. I want to help him/her open up and
remove his/her inhibitions of talking. When I was young, I was
never taught social skills; nobody directed me or told me how
to start conversations or how to respond to new people, how
to respond to compliments or how to take the initiative and
talk. Mostly I was told not to talk to strangers and be wary of
them. This made me more and more cautious and self-conscious.
Social skills don’t come naturally to everybody, and they have to
be taught actively.
I teach my children to greet people regularly and I avoid
answering for them. Instead, I let them answer for themselves.
Another activity that removes the hesitation of expression is the
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD OVERCOME SHYNESS?
‘Highs and Lows’ game that we play every night. We take turns
expressing ourselves, our highs and lows every day to help in
understanding each other and bonding with each other. This also
enhances our child’s fluency, way of expression and awareness of
what they enjoyed and what they didn’t.
Some pointers on how to help your child overcome shyness:

on’t label your child as shy: Instead, rephrase the statement
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as “My child is learning to open up”. Labelling a child shy,
fearful, or timid reinforces the idea that that’s who they are and
hence hinders the process of them opening up to anyone. They
start perceiving themselves through the label we put on them.
Saying, “My child is learning to talk to new people and become
confident.” is a progressive outlook and shows that he/she is
opening up gradually.
roactively ingrain social skills: All children are not naturally
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social animals. They need to be taught to make eye contact,
shake hands, smile, and make conversation. Use role-plays,
taking turns in scripted dialogues, puppet games etc., to practice
social skills at home. Use books to learn social skills and then
practice them with family members. Use scene starters like
“What will you do when you want to join a group of kids?”
“How will you introduce yourself at a party?” how to initiate a
play date, how to say it’s my turn etc. Teaching how to respond
helps children overcome their shyness and the other person’s
response. It normalises situations and helps them accept a yes
or a no.
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each children to express their needs: Show your child an

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unfavourable situation and help him/her express dissatisfaction
constructively. Help your child to say things others may not
like but are necessary, like,” I didn’t like what you said, I need to
study now, let’s play tomorrow” etc. Children need to be taught
how to be firm and not get bullied or influenced by others.
Asking questions like “What would you do if you were bullied?”
helps children think, put themselves in the victim’s shoes and
also express their needs and related incidents that could have
happened with them.
ive them alternatives to handle social situations: When they
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are alone, let them know they can handle themselves effectively
and give them alternative solutions. Reassuring children that
most people feel nervous on stage or when talking to new
people, and explaining that these situations are perfectly
normal, helps children feel comfortable and not as outcasts.
Giving alternative solutions like “If you feel nervous going on
stage, take a few deep breaths, think about a happy situation
then go on stage”, or “If you feel awkward at a party, you could
go to some people you know or offer to help with the snacks”
or “Say something to yourself that would make you feel good
and boost your self-esteem”. Giving children a repertoire of
alternatives to handle themselves when they feel shy will make
them feel more ready to tackle social situations.
ive them small opportunities to display social skills:
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Encouraging your child to place the order in a restaurant,
talking to the server, asking for the time, getting their work
done by themselves are great opportunities to practice social
skills. Applaud little steps they take and praise them specifically.
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD OVERCOME SHYNESS?
For example, if your child spoke confidently to somebody, point

it out specifically and say, “I liked how you kept your back
straight”, “The eye contact that you made was compelling”,
“The way you smiled and used your manners was very pleasing”.
These reinforcing compliments will impel them to repeat the
desired action again.
Steps to Implement:
2 things I can keep in mind to help my child overcome shyness:
1.___________________________________________
2.___________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #9
HOW DO I INCREASE MY
CHILD’S ATTENTION SPAN?
“Capture my interest and you won’t need

to worry about my attention span.”
- Rachel Wolchin
O ur children are extremely fast learners, a lot of times much

more than what we think. Since Reyanshi was born, I used
to chant the ‘Hanuman Chalisa’ (a Hindu scripture) to her every
night before she slept. I never sat and taught her the words but
recited it every night before she slept as I felt the ‘Hanuman
Chalisa’ is a powerful chant to be strong, fearless and instil
courage in my child. It was also a way to ward off bad dreams and
impart confidence. As she turned five, one night, she surprised
me and said the whole scripture herself. I was shocked because I
had never taught her the meaning of the words but hearing me
recite it every night had gone into her so deeply, she remembered
it without me proactively teaching her.
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HOW DO I INCREASE MY CHILD’S ATTENTION SPAN?
The things we say before our children sleep impacts their

subconscious minds and get imprinted in their minds forever.
Increasing your child’s attention is a by-product of your actions.
Conscious actions done by you to register words in your child’s
subconscious will empower your child’s attention. Children grasp
unintentionally, so the more you put into their subconscious, the
more they will grasp and surprise you.
One of the major concerns parents have is that children
don’t focus in school, and they don’t have a large attention span.
Firstly, you need to know how much you are expecting from
your child. For instance, for an 8-year-old, forty-five minutes
of attention at one go is more than enough. Each child has a
different concentration capacity. Start with simple exercises to
build concentration like five minutes of just being quiet and
observing nature, listening to all the sounds around, seven
minutes of reading a book quietly, or ten minutes of independent
playtime without any conversation or distraction, etc. The more
you leave your child alone for independent play, the more your
child will learn to focus and play by himself/herself. Try not to
question your child too much when he/she is doing something
by himself/herself. Let them focus 100 % without you offering
any help.
I also noticed that when I would give Miraaya a difficult math
sum to do, she would try it once but then would give up easily
and ask me for the answer. Slowly, this became a habit. Anything
that she viewed as challenging, she would give up before really
trying. Sometimes kids get very used to our help; hence the
challenging part is to make them independent, do self-study and
try and solve problems on their own. We also need to increase
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our children’s absorbing capacity and mental power.
Some simple ways to increase your child’s absorbing capacity

are:
et a timer: Start young, say about the age of four and every
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day give them a timer of ten minutes where they must do any
one activity by themselves, without asking for help. The activity
can range from any motor skills activity to reading, writing,
meditating- anything that requires them to sit in one place and
concentrate. Start small and eventually increase the timer to
about thirty minutes a day. Each day can have a new activity,
but the idea is to train the brain to concentrate and focus for a
fixed period.
ake attention breaks: Let’s say your 7-year-old must do
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homework for about ten minutes a day; break it up into five
minutes each. Let her do five minutes of writing, take a two-
minute break to do a hand exercise or an eye or neck exercise,
and then get back to the five minutes left of study time. A
brief break for physical activity can help him/her relax and
get back to the intended task. This activity will also help your
child understand the difference between paying attention and
not paying attention. Taking a break, disengaging, and then
coming back will help him/her regain concentration quickly
without getting bored.
ave realistic expectations of attention: Be aware of the child’s
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age and how much attention he/she can pay to an activity.
Start small for each child and then gradually increase periods.
Children can usually concentrate on a given activity for 2-5
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HOW DO I INCREASE MY CHILD’S ATTENTION SPAN?
minutes, double their age in years. For example, a 2-year-old

can concentrate only for 4 minutes per activity, while a 4-year-
old can give 8 minutes of attention to a task and a 6-year-old
can focus for about 12-30 minutes at one time. So, plan your
activities accordingly.
Have a designated space free of clutter: When children are
in a space with many toys, books, and other material, they are
curious to explore and discover everything; hence paying less
attention and getting distracted easily. My children’s study
room is a small room with just a desk, a window and their pens
and pencils. So, remove all visual clutter like posters, paintings,
books etc and keep your concentration space as minimalistic as
possible, giving your child lesser excuses for not focusing.
Play brain exercises and memory games: The more one
practices concentration games and memory skills, the brain
gets a message that it needs to pay attention. Memory games
help children engage, focus and concentrate in a fun way. From
simple book memory games to practical memory games, use
your creativity to help your child enhance his memory capacity.
Matching card games, Simon says games, Chinese whisper,
I-spy, recalling all the objects in a room etc., are all excellent
ways to increase their memory.
Steps to Implement:
A few games I can play to increase my child’s attention:
1._________________________________________
2._________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #10
HOW DO I INCULCATE
CREATIVITY?
“Children are naturally creative. It is our job to give

them the freedom, materials & space to let their creativity
blossom to its full potential.”
- Jean Van’tHul
“M umma, I am bored”, Miraaya wailed! “Oh, darling,

don’t be bored; instead, why don’t you paint, do your
homework, practise your dance or read?” Every time my child
complained of being bored, I had five options ready for her. I was
stifling her creativity by giving her set options instead of letting
her explore her environment and figuring out what she wanted
to do.
We are so used to keeping ourselves fully booked throughout
the day with over-packed schedules that we don’t give ourselves
time and space to think or get bored. It’s almost like being busy is
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HOW DO I INCULCATE CREATIVITY?
a benchmark of success- The busier you are, the more successful

you are. Consequently, we do the same for our kids. The minute
my child would get bored, I would give her five options to choose
from. I realise now, instead of giving options, I can let her get
bored and help her decide what she wants to do. Often, when I
give her space to think and explore, I usually find her talking to
her dolls, collecting leaves, playing all by herself, writing letters
etc. I can only give her limited options but out of her boredom
arise ten different options that I could never think of.
Boredom is not a waste of time; it’s a healthy stimulus that
can help children become more self-reliant, inventive, creative,
and independent thinkers. Boredom is a platform for children
to explore their creativity. Out of boredom arises different ways
of entertaining themselves through little things. When kids are
bored, they learn to take the initiative as opposed to being directed
by someone else. We, as parents, instead of always dictating to
our kids or answering their questions for them, we can choose to
remain quiet and just watch them manoeuvre and explore as they
find their solutions to boredom. When one has free time, they
will surprise you with new things they can do. Getting bored also
teaches children to be determined and patient. It teaches them
to wait and feel that feeling of boredom rather than immediately
occupy themselves and divert their mind.
Here are some pointers on how to let kids get bored:

Schedule ‘Bored Time’: Take out some time in the day when
you call it ‘bored time’ and wait for the next idea to crop up. No
structured activities, just time to think, chill and figure out!
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Give open-ended tasks: Give kids open-ended tasks to do like

scavenger hunts, building obstacle courses, or making their
own business proposal.
Make a free-time box: Make a Free-time box with junk like
cotton reels, buttons, puppets, marbles, old clothes, cut paper,
leaves etc for free play.
Role-model getting bored: Role model yourself as getting
bored by taking time off from your phone and just enjoying the
moment. You can sip tea quietly, without getting distracted, or
you can just sit happily for five minutes in a day without doing
anything. Appreciate your ‘bored time’ and make it attractive
for your child.
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HOW DO I INCULCATE CREATIVITY?
Steps to implement:
Two ways I can inculcate creativity in my child:
1._________________________________________
_________________________________________
2._________________________________________
_________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #11
HOW DO I HELP MY CHILD
MANAGE ANGER?
“Children behave best when they feel most loved.

Shame isn’t a strategy to encourage good behaviour;
it leads to compliance and then to rebellion.”
- Sarah Boyd
J ust as parents get angry, kids also get angry, or may I say
angrier? Anger is an emotion that, if not controlled, can have
adverse effects on a child’s mindset, a parent’s behaviour, and
the overall atmosphere of the house. Whatever said and done,
we cannot control kids getting angry but what we can control is
how they handle and manage their anger so that they don’t harm
themselves or others around them.
As a counsellor, I have many parents calling me to help their
children with managing anger. Their constant concern is, “My
10-year-old gets furious when somebody says something to
her she doesn’t like, “My 5-year-old starts crying if I say no to
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HOW DO I HELP MY CHILD MANAGE ANGER?
him,” “My 13-year-old cannot hear anything about religion or

a political view against her’s.” They get furious and then either
retaliate by becoming extremely rebellious or disrespectful of the
other person. All of these are common incidents that happen in
my house as well. Ways of expressing anger start changing with
age. For instance, children under six would cry, hit, wail, throw a
tantrum, but children above six years would probably talk rudely,
back-answer, and children above ten would just retaliate, leave
the room, or stop talking to that person and distance themselves
from the family. All these responses are harmful as they result in
children internalising anger, blaming others or themselves, and
eventually going into their cocoons.
Managing anger is an important tool to teach children so that
they become more balanced, mature, and healthy, both mentally
and emotionally. Guidance from counsellors is important to teach
anger management skills but we as parents can also do some
exercises at home to help kids manage their anger. Remember,
we are not refraining kids from getting angry but are teaching
them how to manage the emotion of anger. As a bonus, they
might even start reducing their levels of anger.
Some exercises you can do with your child to manage anger:

reate a feelings vocabulary bank: Children are not aware of all
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their feelings and aren’t always able to verbalise them. Anger is
one big emotion but other emotions like guilt, disappointment,
hurt, dismay, stress, loneliness, frustration and even boredom
are not understood by them; hence all of them get the same
response of a lash-out. Differentiating between the various
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types of negative emotions can help them understand how they

can react to diverse situations. Help them label their emotions
so that they understand how to react. For example, if your
5-year-old is bored and he screams and shouts, understand this
and identify that “I can see you’re bored”, and ask as to how
you can help right now? By doing this, children will be able to
identify their own emotions over time and find constructive
solutions. Develop a feelings vocabulary and use it regularly to
help them have the knowledge of different emotions.
Illustrate anger using an anger thermometer: When you
see your child’s anger rising, help them realise that with the
help of a thermometer. Draw a large thermometer on a piece
of paper, start at the bottom with zero and go till 10 and
whenever your child’s anger rises, colour it till that scale and
have a discussion. On the thermometer, zero means no anger
at all, 5 means medium anger and 10 means super angry. Talk
to your child about what happens in their body at each number
of the thermometer. They may be smiling and happy at level
0, and at level 5 may lose their appetite, and at level 10 they
may become an angry monster. This helps increase awareness
of what happens to the body with an increase in anger and
eventually, they can connect. When their anger temperature
rises, they need to take a break, shake the thermometer and
cool themselves down.
reate a cool-down plan: Teach children what to do when
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they are fuming with anger or when they just start to get angry.
Rather than throwing toys or the remote control when they
are angry, they could go to a pre-decided ‘Calming Corner’
with pictures or music that makes them feel happy. Help them
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HOW DO I HELP MY CHILD MANAGE ANGER?
involve themselves in an activity that makes them feel good

or create a calm-down kit like a first aid kit for them which
has some positive, encouraging quotes, a colouring book, some
lotion that has a pleasant odour or happy photographs of them.
When kids are upset, you can say, “Go get your rescue kit.” This
also helps your child to take the onus of calming themselves
down.
ultivate a relaxation skill: Specific techniques help kids relax
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and take control of themselves. Going for a quick walk, making
a cool-down drink, repeating a powerful and positive phrase,
diverting their mind to another activity may help to deviate
and manage their anger.
o not let kids use their anger as a strategy to get their way:
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Early on in their life itself, kids discover their parents’ trigger
points and their weak moments. Sometimes kids may find
anger outbursts as an effective way to get their demands met.
Break the cycle, and do not give in to your child’s need when
it is expressed angrily, instead let them say it nicely and then
decide whether you want to fulfil their need or not. Parents
need to set strict boundaries and not give in to tantrums to
avoid bigger meltdowns as they may cause more harm than
good in the long term. Work on connecting with your child
and handling anger effectively to help them in the future to
become healthy and balanced adults.
Expressing anger often comes out of frustration and the inability
to manage big feelings. Truly help children develop healthy anger
management skills to have a positive impact on their life at home
and school.
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Steps to Implement:
Think of a time your child got angry? What did he/
she do? How did you react? How did your partner
react?
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
Write down a few ways how you can help them
manage their anger.
1._________________________________________
2._________________________________________
3._________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #12
HOW DO I TEACH
MY CHILD PATIENCE?
“If you can control your behaviour when everything around

you is out of control, you can model for your children a valuable
lesson in patience and understanding..and snap an
opportunity to shape up the character.”
- Jane Clayson Johnson
O ne of the first things kids learn as they grow up is to open

amazon.com. Online shopping has made life convenient,
smooth, and simple but it has also added to children’s impatience.
The sense of waiting for something or getting something only on
occasions has vanished. The moment my tween wants something,
she searches for it on the internet and, without my notice, puts it
in my cart. The problem is not with the action but with the sense
of urgency of wanting at that very moment.
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This teaches her never to wait. “Mumma, I want to read this

book, can I just buy it now ?, Anyway it will take two days to
come but I want to put it in the cart now,” Miraaya would say,
and my answer would be, “No, you need to wait.”
You would wonder why I did that?
It is a book - something that is helpful. Parents are always
longing for their children to read and are constantly propelling
them to read, but a lot of times, it is in vain.
And here I am, not buying my voracious reader a book that
she wants.
Well, it is a book and something useful and productive, but
my problem is in wanting it right now from the comfort of her
home. I would rather take her to a library or a bookstore once a
week, let her feel the books, let her research different books, let
her see some illustrations, feel certain covers, and then decide
which one she wants rather than go on a website, search for just
one name and buy that book instantly out of an impulse.
Children need to learn delayed gratification. It’s not about the
value of the product but about helping kids to accept a refusal.
Instead of buying the book immediately, there are alternatives
like first looking for that book in the school library, or asking
friends if they have it, then at the right time buying it online. The
minute something comes out of your child’s mouth, it doesn’t
have to be addressed immediately. It is a golden policy I follow,
and it does a world of good to the child – believe me!
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HOW DO I TEACH MY CHILD PATIENCE?
Why is delayed gratification important?

1. Teaches kids to be patient
2. Teaches kids what they really need and what they don’t
3. Helps them achieve their goals
4. Teaches kids the value of money
Children are not naturally inclined to be patient. Whenever

we went to a restaurant, all three would be immediately hungry
and unable to wait for the food to arrive. Children get done
with everything very fast; hence patiently doing something or
waiting for something to happen is a real challenge. With instant
gratification, children are never taught to wait.
Here are a few activities to teach them how to be patient:

ook for opportunities to make your child wait: When your
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toddler is small, make them wait, even if it is for a minute or
two before giving him/her something he/she wants. Teach
them the concept of waiting, and increase the wait time as they
grow older.
mile while waiting: As parents, make sure you are not cribbing
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about queues in supermarkets or traffic on the road. While
modelling patience, remember to smile, make it pleasant and
make waiting for a fun activity by playing some games.
onform to your timing: When you tell your child dinner will
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be ready in five minutes, set a timer to stick to it. Avoid saying
two minutes and not following that.
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Acknowledge how patient your child was: Whenever your child

shows patience, make sure you acknowledge it and appreciate
them for that. If you take your child to a doctor’s clinic and
your toddler patiently sits down with his colouring books, do
tell them how proud you are of his display of patience.
Play ‘Passing The Parcel’: Wrap a gift in ten layers of newspaper
and let your child unwrap each layer when the music stops. This
activity will help your child patiently wait to unravel the gift.
Do puzzles and brain-teasers together: Puzzles and brainteasers
help increase patience, so try and engage in turn-taking games
and activities with them.
Play ‘The Silent Game’: Teach your child to be silent and still
for a set period. Turn on the timer and just watch. Whoever can
stay quiet for the longest time is the winner.
Play ‘Catch The Drizzle’: When it starts to drizzle, ask your
toddler to fill a bucket with rainwater. Waiting for the bucket
to fill is a great way of teaching them to wait while having fun.
Steps to Implement:
What do you do when your child becomes impatient?
Does it lead to a bigger argument?
__________________________________________
Write down some games you can play to inculcate
patience:
1._________________________________________
2._________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #13
HOW DO I HELP
MY CHILD APOLOGISE?
“If your children fear you, they cannot trust you. If they do not
trust you, they cannot learn from you.”
- Lori Petro
A s we grow up, we remember positive moments, but we

also hold on to grudges that may have erupted from small
arguments, misunderstandings, or differences. Also, in the
assumption that we may be right, we wait for others to reach out
to us, apologise and dissolve the matter.
When I was pregnant, I had many friends who were also
pregnant with me. Each of us had our own opinion on how
to bring up our children. Unknowingly, a friend’s perspective
hurt me. Of course, she had no intention to do that, but it did
affect me then and I consciously distanced myself from her. I
kept expecting her to reach out to me to rekindle our friendship.
Oblivious of the fact that I was hurt, she still didn’t reach out
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and our friendship stagnated. After a few years, when I met

her again, I reached out and she reciprocated with open arms
and then apologised on her own. This is common in most cases;
when someone reaches out, it’s always a win-win.
Reaching out doesn’t make you a smaller person; in fact, it
makes you more peaceful, secure, fuss-free, and happier. The
way to be happy is to let go and reach out and the same can be
taught to our children. However, reaching out and apologising
is important to instil in kids but cannot be done forcefully. On
a play date yesterday, Rahul snatched Aavyaan’s toy, and I heard
his mother quickly jump in and say to him, “Say you’re sorry.”
Rahul did not say sorry and went to another corner.
A lot of times, I catch myself telling my daughter, “Say you’re
sorry.” At times, she may angrily say sorry or may not even say
it, but she doesn’t even understand why she was forced into an
apology for no fault of hers. The problem in this statement is,
after the forced sorry, the conversation ends. The forced sorry
does nothing to address the situation or my daughter’s behaviour
here, yet she had to say it. “I am sorry” remains a standard apology
that children use till adulthood often not knowing why.
So instead of forcing children to say sorry, guide them through
the sorry. The process of feeling guilty is more important than
the apology itself. There is a stigma attached to a sorry which
means “I am wrong, you are right.” Let us aim to take that
stigma away. When Rahul snatched the toy and Aavyaan was
crying, upsetting Rahul, or forcing him to say sorry would not
work. What would work is an empathetic response towards both
Rahul and Aavyaan. We could respond with, “Sharing is caring,
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HOW DO I HELP MY CHILD APOLOGISE?
and if we don’t share, our friend’s feelings could get hurt”. It is

always better to do this when the child is calmer and is willing
to listen to you. Developing your child’s feelings vocabulary and
helping them understand how another child may feel is a great
activity to do at home.
Teaching kids how to apologise at a young age helps apologies
to become natural and normal and many times, even without
realising it, your child may just say sorry. Aavyaan has gotten
the feeling of an apology so engraved in him, that even when
he does something by mistake like spilling water or hitting his
sister unknowingly, he is quick to say “I am sorry” and hug her.
A lot of times, as we grow up, we learn to avoid confrontation or
uncomfortable emotions like saying sorry, but the earlier you start
with your kids, the more natural an apology becomes, leaving no
room for defensiveness. Learning to apologise is an important
skill that makes us open, humble, and more thoughtful.
Some ways to help your child apologise and mean it is:

ole-Model a situation: Help them understand what it means
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to say sorry and why they are saying it. Role model it yourself
as our kids are constantly mirroring us. However, there may
be times when a 2-year-old may not think that he/she did
anything wrong. They could have a hard time admitting that it
was their mistake. At this point, you can encourage the other
child to express how he/she felt when Rahul snatched the toy.
Being able to listen to his friend and how he felt may help him
understand when someone snatches your toy, and you feel hurt/
bad.
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each them how to apologise correctly: Instead of muttering

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sorry slowly as an obligation, teach your child the ingredients
of a sorry. When you apologise, you must:
• Make eye contact
• Stand up straight and still
• Say what you did wrong and accept what you are sorry for.
• Add a promise, in the end, to not make the same mistake
again.
• Have a firm and soft tone while apologising. You can do
this by saying I’m sorry in different tones to help your child
understand what sounds genuine and what doesn’t.
rainstorm with them: Brainstorming with children on
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different situations and asking them what you could do instead
also helps them get clarity. So, Rahul could say:
• “I’m sorry for taking your toy without asking”,
• “It would have made you feel bad because I snatched it”
• And in the future, I will play with something else instead of
taking your toy or I will politely ask you for it.
on’t play the blame game: If you blame your child, he may
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be quick to answer, “But she did it first.” Remain calm and
encourage both the participants to apologise to each other. Be
neutral and open to listen to both the kids and then encourage
both to apologise and say something positive to each other.
ive him time: Instead of forcing an apology, give your child
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the time to think about his mistake and calm down. Encourage
them to apologise whenever they feel comfortable; it could
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HOW DO I HELP MY CHILD APOLOGISE?
even be over a phone call later. Pay emphasis on the child

understanding his mistake and being willing to apologise at his
own time rather than at that very moment.
Make children aware of the consequences of not apologising:
Teach your children that if repeatedly they refuse to say
sorry to make up with their friends or family, there may be
consequences to face. This could mean their friend might not
talk to him again or refuse to play with him.
Focus on teaching good behaviour and etiquette: The more
your child starts to differentiate between what is acceptable
and what is not, the lesser he/she will have to apologise. Hence,
focus more on reinforcing good behaviour, teaching social
etiquette directly through stories, role plays, and games.
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Steps to implement:
Reflect on how often you apologise?
Write down 2 ways in which you can help your child
apologise without feeling forced.
1._________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
2._________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #14
HOW DO I HELP MY CHILD

HANDLE FAILURE?
“When a child is upset, logic often won’t work until we have

responded to the right brain’s emotional needs.”
- Dr Dan Siegel
“E very time my son lost a game, he would stomp his feet, cry,
shut the game and leave,” Tina said. Her 8-year-old was
very fond of playing sports, and he was an extremely intelligent
and witty boy. He just couldn’t stand losing, though. He wanted
to come first at everything whether it be sports competitions or
being the first one to complete his work in class, or when playing
games with the family.
Healthy competition is great and wanting to excel is even
better when it is intrinsic in a child, but when it interferes with
the child’s development and upsets him to the extent that he
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starts bawling when he loses, then it becomes a problem. Nobody

likes to lose; if you know you are already going to lose a game,
would you participate in it?
Children want to participate in activities and games to win.
Winning feels good but losing doesn’t have to feel bad. Losing
doesn’t have to feel demotivating; instead, it can act as a window
to learn new skills or get better at something. Instead of viewing
competition as competing with the other person, it should be
viewed as competition with the previous self. Being competitive
is great because it helps you get better and better and excel,
but competition, which makes you feel inferior if the desired
outcome is not achieved, is detrimental.
Some ways to help children with healthy competition and

failure:
in or lose; it’s the effort that counts: Resist telling your
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children that they must come first; instead of the rank, talk about
the amount of effort they invest and that their results should
be better than their last attempt. Coming first or winning is
not the ultimate goal but doing well and putting in consistent
efforts is the real goal. Focus on the learning outcomes and the
skills learnt through the process rather than the ultimate result
of the competition. This is a helpful attitude to develop even
later on in life.
ake sure you don’t compare apples with oranges: One thing
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we need to always bear in mind is that an apple seed will always
give an apple tree and orange seeds will bear oranges. If you
sow the seed of an apple, you cannot expect it to give oranges.
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HOW DO I HELP MY CHILD HANDLE FAILURE?
As parents, we end up comparing apples and oranges all the

time. Do not compare two individuals perfectly able in their
own might. Instead, focus on the attributes of the apples and
oranges, and strengthen those qualities that will make them
stand out.
eamwork makes the dream work: Help your child understand
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the importance of a team. It is crucial to help them appreciate
the importance of each person possessing different strengths
and the way in which they can work together as a team. This
will help kids value others and handle healthy competition in
their stride.
elebrate failure: Viewing failure as a teacher and a guide to
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help one learn from it teaches children not to be disheartened.
Celebrate failure each time it happens and be ready for a new
opportunity coming your way. Make a ritual of bragging about
yours and their mistakes every week and about what they
learned. Give a hug every time your child makes a mistake.
Laugh at yourselves and teach your child to do the same.
Instead of getting upset when your child fails, make them feel
loved and wanted to show them the value of the journey more
than the destination.
Helping kids handle failure sportingly can be a challenge but

kids need to take it in the right way and feel happy for their
friends in their victory. Focus on the growth mindset and help
kids identify what they learnt from their mistakes rather than
where they failed. Failure is unpredictable. Focusing your child’s
attention on what went wrong and the way in which he can fix
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it, will help him develop a growth mindset and he will be able
to perceive a failure as a positive learning opportunity. Let’s
not protect our children from failure, let them lose, and then
let them cheer themselves up. Celebrate failure, look at it as an
opportunity to grow and enjoy it at that time.
Steps to Implement:
You and your child were playing a game and he/she
lost. He/she is crying now. What will you do?
Write down a few steps on how you can help your
child be a “SPORT”—
1._________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
2._________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
3._________________________________________
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #15
HOW DO I MAKE
MY CHILD CONFIDENT?
“A parent’s voice becomes a child’s self-talk.

Let’s wire our kids for self-compassion, not self-criticism.”
- Unknown
W hen Miraaya was two years old, we spoke a lot about

stars, dreams, ambitions and hopes. She was the tiny
person I shared everything with, my thoughts and feelings. As
she grew up, I used to always tell her, “Nothing is impossible; you
can do anything if you set your mind to it, darling”. Every time
she tried her hands at puzzles, sports, and competitions, I would
tell her this and she would smile and feel happy. Once, when
she picked up a puzzle for older children, I told her, “Darling,
this is a tough one for you, you won’t be able to do the puzzle
now,” and the little girl who had been hearing, processing, and
watching me, exclaimed, “Mumma nothing is impossible, I can
do anything if I set my mind to it”.
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This reassurance I had built in her spoke to her every time

she was faced with a challenge and propelled her forward. When
Reyanshi was born, and she started walking, she would fall now
and then. I would overhear Miraaya say to her, “Darling, nothing
is impossible; you can do anything if you set your mind to it”.
Miraaya, who had developed this inner voice, passed it on to
Reyanshi and developed her confidence.
Yesterday, Aavyaan was running, and he fell and started
crying. Reyanshi went up to him, hugged him and said, “Darling,
start running again; nothing is impossible if you set your mind to
it!” Without even realising, I had passed this positive affirmation
from Miraaya to Reyanshi and now to Aavyaan and they tweaked
it in their own way and used it whenever they needed to.
evelop your child’s inner voice intentionally: What you say

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and the way you say it will become your child’s inner thoughts
and that’s how they will talk to themselves and each other.
Make sure you consciously reiterate the qualities you want
them to possess and do it multiple times in a day.
se the snowball effect: In my case, I had spoken to only one
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child like that, and she passed it to the other two and used
it herself. This snowball effect of positive thoughts will always
keep my children confident, fearless and instil the spirit that
they can do anything if they set their mind to it. Encouraging
each other has become a cycle in our house and we keep passing
it on to each other.
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD CONFIDENT?
Steps to Implement:
Brainstorm a few ways in which you will enhance
your child’s confidence:
1._________________________________________
__________________________________________
2._________________________________________
__________________________________________
What would you like to make your child’s inner voice?
Write down what you would like to say to them.
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #16
HOW DO I RAISE A LEADER?
“A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.”

- Rudolf Dreikurs
O ur Sunday ritual involves one child taking the lead and

planning or inventing a new activity which the rest of
us follow. Every Sunday, each child based on their strengths,
and interests innovates a new idea to implement ranging from
playing football to gardening to making a song on the water
cycle and enacting a play. Each child based on their age thinks of
something fun to do and unknowingly they become the leader.
When the activity is over, we appreciate the leader using positive,
driven and ambition-oriented words like, “Your potential to lead
is outstanding,” “I loved how you influenced the other team
members to follow you” etc.
The words you include in your daily conversations become
embedded in the children and that’s the way they view the world
and people around them. Raising a leader means supporting your
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child’s unique choices, letting them make their own decisions,

enhancing responsibility and giving them the space to do things
independently. Increasing your child’s logical thinking skills,
giving them a platform to express their creativity, exposing them
to brain teasers and unconventional ways of thinking will bring
out the uniqueness in them and help them lead.
Here are some steps to help raise a leader:

Identify a few things that are absolutely unique to your child
ame them as strengths and see how they can use these
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strengths in different areas
en try and enhance the strengths more with extra classes,
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encouragement, competitions etc.
emind them of these strengths every day and see how they
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can overlap in daily life
dd other supplemental strengths to reinforce their initial
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strength.
or example: If your child has great speed in motor activities,
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the identified skill is speed, now use this speed in different
areas like swimming, athletics, cricket, tennis etc. See in which
area does he/she flourish then name that as a strength “super-
fast swimming speed”; now enrol him/her in competitions to
give him/her a healthy environment so that he/she flourishes.
Along with speed in swimming, add healthy nutrition, develop
an agile body with fitness to make him/her better. Identify one
strength and help him/her lead in that and use that asset to
lead others as well.
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Steps to Implement:
Write down the qualities of a good leader:
1.____________________
2.____________________
3.____________________
4.____________________
Which one is most important and how will you
nurture that?
1._________________________________________
2._________________________________________
3._________________________________________
4._________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #17
HOW DO I MAKE MY
CHILD MAKE INFORMED
DECISIONS?
“… the fact is that kids learn to make good decisions by making

decisions, not by following directions.”
- Alfie Kohn
O n a hot summer day, the swimming pool is all that you

want! My kids love water and when they get wet, they love
wetting their hair as well. Now washing their hair every day to
wash out the chlorine is a very cumbersome and time-consuming
task. Also, if they wash their hair every day, they might catch a
cold. Keeping these risks in mind, I tell my 8-year-old, “Please
don’t wet your hair in the swimming pool; wear a shower cap”.
“No, Mumma”, she whines. “I love getting my hair wet, I’ll wash
it later.” I kept saying no, but she continued the argument, so I
gave her my mobile phone with an article on the harmful effects
of chlorine on hair, and when she read it, she was convinced that
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS?
she did not want to wet her hair.

At times children discount what we say as parents. They may
think we repeat it too often or they are just tired of hearing us.
However, if we give them a trusted source to read about it and
then make an informed decision, it instils a sense of maturity,
independence and also invigorates good decision-making skills
in them. Next time, when she wants to make a decision, she will
do some research, read about it and then decide.
Usually, even younger kids can make good decisions just
like we would for them, but only if we let them. The more we
give them resources to make their own decisions, the better
they become at it. During pressure situations and deadlines as
parents, we may feel we know better and prefer to make their
decisions but by doing this, we are robbing them of their control
and confusing them further.
When we give kids the space to make their own decisions,
their brains also learn to make some difficult choices after
understanding the consequences. For example, if left to my child,
who knows she has an exam tomorrow, she would decide to study
and sleep early. The problem is before she decided, I had already
made the decision for her and enforced it on her. This then leads
to rebellion; even though she knows it’s the right decision, she
still would have liked to make it on her own.
The brain develops according to how it’s being used. So, if
I learn to confront and solve more problems in my childhood,
my brain becomes more logical. Hence the more experience kids
have sitting in the driver’s seat, the more they will be able to
make decisions calmly and clearly.
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Here are some ways to instil informed decision making in

children:
et your child research: If they disagree about something you
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are asking them to do, let them research on it and come up with
five reasons why they shouldn’t do it.
ake a list: Get children to make a list of the things they would
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like to be responsible for. Get their opinions on different duties
of the house and ask them, “Do you think we should do it this
way or that way?”
elieve in them to make the best decision: Tell your child that
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you have the full confidence in him/her to make a decision that
is best for them. Have faith in their abilities and tell them that
you would like to know the pros and cons of all the options
because you love hearing how they think.
ive them space to make mistakes: As children grow up, they
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need the space to think, understand and bear the consequences.
You must guide them against unhealthy or unsafe behaviour
but in simpler choices, you can let them decide for themselves.
If your 12-year-old wants to take up French instead of Spanish,
he/she can do that. The confidence and autonomy your child will
experience in making this decision will outweigh the benefits of
any language over the other. When children own their decision,
they are happier and ready to bear their consequences.
Talking to your child about the decisions they make and
asking them for alternatives and suggestions gives them a lifelong
skill of communication, logical thinking and decision making.
Accountability and taking the onus on themselves is great asset
to raise a fearless leader.
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS?
Steps to Implement:
2 ways in which you can help your child make better
decisions:
1.________________________________________
__________________________________________
2.________________________________________
__________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #18
HOW DO I SET SMART
BOUNDARIES?
“Limits and boundaries create a consistent,

trusting, safe space for your child to develop.
Don’t be deterred when they resist; your child needs it.”
- Anonymous
W henever I spoke to anybody, my children would need my

attention. ‘Excuse Me’ was a word that I had not taught
them as I felt they had the right to speak to me whenever they
wanted. Children have the right to speak to you whenever but
when certain boundaries are established, children flourish, and
you also feel like you have some space. If a child doesn’t learn to
say ‘Excuse Me’, he/she feels that parents are always available
and then the child may not always respect the parent.
At times I may have been too lenient and might have given in
to my child’s demands and fulfilled their need even before they
ask. Even their unasked-for needs would have been met without
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HOW DO I SET SMART BOUNDARIES?
any hesitation. When children are used to us answering their

every question, demand and need, they start seeking validation
and they constantly need to be reassured. This also leads them
to become more sensitive and internalise everything we say to
them. In a world where everything may not be available at their
beck and call, it’s vital to teach children to live with boundaries
and also to take no for an answer. When clear boundaries are not
set at home, children get confused and may throw tantrums to
be in power.
If a child feels they can convince their parents to do whatever
they want, they will feel more powerful than their parents and
they may become bossy. This uncertain boundary and being
able to dominate people make the child anxious and sometimes
insecure. In parent-child conflicts, parents must call the shots
for the benefit of the child and themselves! Not having clear
boundaries make children feel that they can get whatever they
want and whenever they want it. This may lead to dissatisfaction
and not meeting their expectations in the real world. Setting
smart limits are like anchors that support children to get what
they need but not always at the time they want it. Boundaries are
limits that come with consequences which the children are made
aware of and expect when the limit/boundary is not followed.
Here are some ways parents can gently guide kids in the right
direction when they test limits:
e firm yet polite: A firm and polite tone will help you get
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through to your child. Saying something like, “Every time
you want to talk to me, and you see me in the middle of a
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conversation, or on the phone, you need to wait and say excuse

me. This will help me give you 100 percent attention,” will help
him understand why he needs to wait.
ave family rules: Be clear about what is in the ‘Absolutely
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No-Go Zone’. Go over clear rules with your children. Let
them know you are open to hearing them out if they feel like
a rule is unfair—as long as they speak to you respectfully. But
there are some rules, like riding a bike with a helmet or always
speaking the truth that is non-negotiable and must religiously
be followed.
eep instructions brief: Short, brief, and crisp messages are
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more effective to set boundaries. Don’t always explain the
reason for the boundary; sometimes, just state it and expect
the entire family to follow it, including yourself. When we get
into long-drawn conversations about explaining to children
why they should not do something, children aren’t always able
to fully concentrate, absorb the rule and remember it for next
time. It only ends up leading to negotiations, arguements and
disappointments.
e consistent: Don’t change the boundary according to your
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convenience. If you have refused TV time to your child before
bed, make sure you do that every time and not give in when you
have friends over. If you bend the rules, children get confused
and they also conclude that rules don’t mean much and can be
altered according to convenience.
ollow through with the consequences: If you have given them
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a consequence for something, make sure to follow through and
assess their feelings throughout the consequence. Let them
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HOW DO I SET SMART BOUNDARIES?
know why their privileges are being taken to avoid it in the

future.
Setting boundaries is necessary but we need a lot of patience
to do that. We have to keep reminding our children again and
again about the rules and continue them as they grow up.
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Steps to Implement:
List some boundaries you have already set with your
children:
1.___________________________________________
2.___________________________________________
3.___________________________________________
Write any two more boundaries you would like to set
with them:
1.________________________________________
2.________________________________________
How will you establish them?
1.________________________________________
2.________________________________________
3.________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #19
HOW DO I TEACH MY CHILD
TO PROTECT HERSELF/
HIMSELF FROM ABUSE?
“Making the decision to have a child- it’s momentous. It is to

decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.”
- Elizabeth Stone
W hen my daughter was born, in fact even when she was

conceived, the one thing that always ran in my mind
was, “Will she be safe?”.
“Will someone ever touch her without her consent and how
will I even teach her what it is to be touched without consent?”
When she was born, I would be very careful to not touch
her in her private parts especially while bathing her and would
instruct the help to not do so either. But the thought of her being
unsafe is always in the back of my head. How do we protect our
kids, when do we teach them what a private part is and what a
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“bad touch” is? How does she even know this is not acceptable,
and if she does, what should she do then? So, I decided to do
so very early on. When she was able to express herself, at about
two, I started teaching her to bathe on her own and differentiate
between what touch was allowed and what wasn’t.
As she neared three, she knew the parts that covered her
swimming costume were private and only her’s and no one was
meant to touch it.
I did the same with my son. It is about drawing a line not just
with touch but anything that makes the child uncomfortable.
The child should be taught how to stay NO in a loud voice, to a
refusal, to a bad touch or even to a physical hit!
I have had many instances where my children mistakenly wet
their pants and come home and say, “When I asked to go to the
washroom, my teacher told me to wait and then this accidentally
happened.” Even in a situation like this, my answer is to say no;
if it makes you uncomfortable sitting in the classroom when you
must go, just go and say, “I am sorry, I can’t wait.”
Young kids need to be taught to express themselves and say
something urgently and firmly when need be. In our country, we
teach the child to respect and obey our elders, which is great, but
only you know how badly you want to or how uncomfortable
something makes you feel.
Teach your child to understand the thin line between
something that makes you feel good and something that doesn’t.
I heard of incidents in school when the children were yelled
at by the teacher. The child should bear the consequences of
misbehaviour but if it makes them uncomfortable, they must
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HOW DO I TEACH MY CHILD TO PROTECT HERSELF/HIMSELF FROM ABUSE?
voice it as well, and as parents, we must encourage that.

Often, children do not protest.They are taught to take whatever
is given to them quietly. Kids may believe that they deserve
this kind of behaviour. This gets blown up to unmanageable
proportions when they grow up, and if someone accidentally
brushes through their body, they may stay quiet. From a young
age, they have been taught to bear it!
An incident I still haven’t been able to get out of my mind was
taught to me to teach kids body consent very early on. At the age
of ten, I used to have different classes at home in my drawing-
room, an extremely public place. A male teacher, a middle-aged,
learned and very talented man taught me this skill (I won’t name
the subject). At one point in the middle of class, I remember he
vaguely brushed through my chest; I remained quiet, did not
report it to anyone. I took it as a mistake and let it go, but the
fact that it has remained in my mind is proof that these instances
don’t just go. In that fear, I still don’t let any men teachers teach
my children unsupervised.
The issue of abuse is way more complicated than overt
behaviours; it is the subtler ones that may leave a scar. CCTV
cameras are installed everywhere; still, when a mishap happens,
the child needs to be vocal and voice it that very second, either
retaliate to the teacher or report it immediately. We cannot
change the world nor the people around but what we can do is
educate our children from as early as three years to respect their
bodies and voice their concerns.
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I make it a point to discuss this with my children and maintain

a code with them, some of it’s facets are:
o form of uncomfortable touch is justifiable. There are no
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acceptable degrees- a tug in the ear is as serious as a slap on the
face or a brush of the body.
Any form of inappropriate touch needs to be voiced. A physical
touch or verbal abuse all need to be expressed immediately.
ood touch and bad touch is not just for kids; it should be
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spoken about all the time, even when a child is a young adult.
oys and girls, both are equally vulnerable and should be
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spoken to equally.
I try and maintain open, two-sided and non-judgemental
communication where the kids can discuss their entire day
without any judgement by me. I try to avoid moral lectures and
let them talk freely, encouraging them to confess any mistakes
they may have made.
I encourage them to respect teachers and elders but that
doesn’t mean giving them absolute power. So, along with being
respectful, they are also expressive and are aware of behaviour
that is unacceptable and that crosses the line.
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HOW DO I TEACH MY CHILD TO PROTECT HERSELF/HIMSELF FROM ABUSE?
Steps to Implement:
1. At what age will you teach your child body consent?
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
2. Some ways you can teach them body consent are:
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #20
BELIEVE IN THE ETERNAL
POWER OF THE UNIVERSE?
“There is a power in the universe greater

than you are, and you can use it.”
- Ernest Holmes
W hen I was eight years old, my parents started meditating.

When they would meditate, they would be quiet and calm
in the subsequent time after their meditation. Our family life
had transformed in many ways after their practice of meditation.
My father, who used to frequently get angry, and talk in a high-
pitched voice to us, calmed down. My parents, who previously
had a lot of arguments regarding certain decisions, no longer
had them in front of us. We began to spend more time together
as a family, laughing, pulling each other’s legs, appreciating each
other, exercising and doing happier things together.
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD BELIEVE IN THE ETERNAL POWER OF THE UNIVERSE?
I noticed my mom started smiling more, and my dad became

more patient with us, less authoritative about trying to discipline
us, and more polite yet firm. They would show us how to do
things rather than tell us how to do things and overall became
more fun to be around.
When we were young, my parents would encourage us to give
the gift of gratitude to God and offer our prayers every day. Seeing
them meditate taught my brothers and me to practice calmness
and meditate with them. Seeing them go to the temple every day
and feeling happy made me want to share their experience too. I
started believing more and more in God when I saw my parents
pray and when I heard them thank the universe now and then.
Building faith in children lays the foundation of being able to
handle difficult times. To truly empower our children, we need
to give them the right to make their own choices yet practice our
faith in front of them.
Some ways in which we can help our children believe in the

universal power are:
ray every morning: Teach children to pray to themselves or an
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idol if they believe in one every day. Teach them the different
values of your religion through stories.
ive gratitude at night: Say five things you are grateful for
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every night.
Model faith: Share your faith stories with them and, also your
inconsistencies in following them at times. Let them know
how keeping the faith has helped you in your life.
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ive them resources to read: Give them books and videos on

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mythology, history, science etc., to read and watch to improve
their knowledge.
Share your ancestral lineage with them
on’t push too hard: Don’t insist that they pray; let them watch
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you pray and inculcate it within them. Talk about the benefits
of strong faith and encourage them to reap the benefits of it.
You don’t have to be religious to believe in the power of the
universe. Developing a vocabulary of positive vibes, affirmations
and thoughts lays a solid foundation and helps kids become
more self-aware, resilient, courageous, and secure.
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HOW DO I MAKE MY CHILD BELIEVE IN THE ETERNAL POWER OF THE UNIVERSE?
Steps to implement:
1. Think about which tradition/custom/ value is
important for you?
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
2. How would you like to instil it in them?
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
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Section 3
MY CHILD REACTS LIKE THIS
…..WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Children learn what they live
If children live with ….

Criticism, they learn to condemn.
Hostility, they learn to fight.
Ridicule, they learn to be shy.
Shame, they learn to feel guilty.
Fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
Pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
Tolerance, they learn to be patient.
Encouragement, they learn confidence.
Praise, they learn to appreciate.
Fairness, they learn justice.
Security, they learn to have faith.
Approval, they learn to like themselves.
Acceptance and friendship,
They learn to find love in the world.
Dorothy Law Nolte
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CHALLENGE #1
MY CHILD IS HYPERACTIVE
“If we want to stop our child’s aggression, we have to

stop focusing on the behaviour and respond to their feelings.”
- Sarah Rosensweet
I used to see Aryan sit and be engaged in blocks, putting each

block piece by piece while Vivaan wouldn’t sit still even for a
minute. He hardly played with any blocks, puzzles, or colours.
All he wanted to do was to bounce from one lap to another,
climb walls and doors, run and jump around on the bed or the
sofa and constantly use his limbs to do something. I wondered
would Vivaan ever sit quietly like Aryan?
The answer was No!!
He probably would never sit quietly like Aryan, but what I
could do to help him was look out for the times in the day where
he could be taught to be calmer. During his “calmer” times, I
could spend quality time with him and engage in quieter puzzles
and games. Even though this time would not come very often,
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MY CHILD IS HYPERACTIVE
by keeping him active and engaged in calmer times, he would

slowly start enjoying sitting down activities too. A hyperactive
child has immense energy, he/she may sleep at midnight and
wake up fresh at 7 am, but if we can channelise his/her energy
in a result-oriented direction, we may be able to calm him/her
down.
Here are some ways to calm a hyperactive child:

hyperactive child needs a consistent structure: Let him/her
A
expect what is coming next. Hyperactivity usually becomes
worse during unstructured time. Integrate a routine that is easy
to follow and can be followed daily, so your child knows what
comes after what. Make sure he/she knows the need to bathe
first, then play, and then eat.
ake him/her sit for short periods at one go: Make your child
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sit undisturbed, in a quiet room for a few minutes in a day but
then give him/her a break to stretch as well. Take an activity
and do it with the child without any distractions (you can leave
your phone behind) for ten minutes straight and then give a
break. Proactive involvement of the parent is essential to calm
an active child.
each your child relaxation and breathing techniques: Basic
T
breathing, relaxation and calming techniques can be taught
even to a 3-year-old to help him/her concentrate more. Using
toys like stress balls, pop-it, and fidget spinners can help them
channelise their energy.
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Re-evaluation:
1. Do you think hyperactivity comes in the way of your child’s
growth?
___________________________________________________
2. What can you do to calm her/him down?
___________________________________________________
156
CHALLENGE #2
MY CHILD DOESN’T DO
ANYTHING ON HIS OWN
“Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.”

- Robert A. Heinlein
M rs. Jain came with her 10-year-old and said that “Anita
needs me for everything. Whenever she does her
homework, she always wants me to sit with her, when she’s
eating, she wants me to feed her, she is very possessive of me.”
After ten years, Mrs Jain had a second baby and was facing a lot
of difficulty in getting Anita to adjust to her sibling as she always
felt her mother’s attention was diverted.
After I spoke to her for a few sessions, it was discovered that
Mrs Jain was a helicopter parent. Helicopter parenting means
hovering around the children, closely monitoring them and
making life easy and smooth for them, while keeping our best
interest for the children.
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Mrs. Jain obviously wanted the best for her child and she
would give whatever Anita wanted every time she asked for
anything. She would solve all of Anita’s problems, help her with
her homework and indirectly make her completely reliant on her.
Parents who relate to this style tend to constantly be around
their children and almost do everything for them so that they
shine. They finish their homework, re-do their projects if they
are not done up to the mark, and make sure that the kids have
everything on a platter. Helicopter parents are problem-solvers
for their children and don’t let children do things independently.
After lots of discussion and introspection, Mrs Jain realised that
instead of solving the problem, she was actually contributing
to the problem of spoon-feeding her child and not letting her
become independent.
Some ways to help Anita become independent are:

I dentify opportunities that she can do herself: Make a list of
the things she should be doing independently, like brushing
her teeth, doing her homework, eating by herself etc. Ask her
which duties she feels she is ready to take on and encourage her
to do those.
void over-correcting and over handling situations: Let her
A
do things her way and don’t hover around her preferences. Give
her reasonable alternatives to choose from and make her own
decisions.
ncourage her to seek help from external resources: Let her do
E
research on the internet or take books from a library to educate
herself on topics she may be unaware of. For instance, if she
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MY CHILD DOESN’T DO ANYTHING ON HIS OWN
wants to eat junk food often, you could say, “Let’s go to the
doctor and take his opinion.”
Re-evaluation:
1. Is your child too dependent on you?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2. What are you doing to aggravate the problem?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
3. What can you do instead?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #3
MY CHILD FINDS FAULTS IN
EVERYTHING
“Every day, in 100 small ways, our children ask,

‘Do you hear me? Do you see me? Do I matter?’
Their behaviour often reflects our response.”
- L.R. Knost
“M umma, I don’t have enough toys”, “Daddy, the desk is

too small”, “I don’t like that sweater, I want another
one”, “I don’t have that doll, I want that one”, “I’m feeling too
hot”, “It’s too cold”, My daughter would constantly complain of
everything around her! It may be because she had heard someone
in the family do just that. Have a comment for everything! In the
process, she wouldn’t enjoy anything and have an opinion about
everything.
I tried a game for her it was called “No Coos and Caws”. We
would time her and see how long she could go without a coo
or a caw - which meant without expressing negative sentiments
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MY CHILD FINDS FAULTS IN EVERYTHING
about people, places, or circumstances. Coos and caws were

anything that was a critical statement or a complaint. Every time
she cooed or cawed; she would have to try again. All of us joined
her in this game and we would try to go full days without coos
and caws; also, another dimension we would say the opposite
of it which became a lot of fun for a 6-year-old. So if it was
hot outside, she would say, “Oh Mumma it’s so nice outside”
- basically, only positive statements were encouraged and if a
complaint came up, we would just stay quiet.
This activity taught us many things:

y not criticising or complaining, we started taking ownership
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of our actions since we had nobody to blame. We were
empowered to make our changes to feel better and change the
circumstances. So if it was hot, instead of saying it’s hot, we
would drink water or switch on the fan or take a paper fan and
fan ourselves. We started problem-solving ourselves.
t the end of the day, we would count the number of coos
A
and caws made by us and the one with the least coos and caws
would get appreciated by something small, yet significant; it
could be a goodie, or a hug or an extra portion of what they
liked the most.
is also taught us that we control our situation and not the
Th
other way round. Our commitment to not utter negative
comments made even tough situations entertaining.
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Re-evaluation:
1.Is your child dissatisfied constantly?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2.What do you do when he expresses his/her dissatisfaction?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
3.What can you do instead?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #4
MY CHILD DOESN’T LIKE
HOW HE/SHE LOOKS
“Children always learn, but not necessarily

what you want them to learn.”
-Dr. Lillian Katz
O ne morning, as I was getting dressed, I heard Reyanshi say,

“I look fat!”. My husband and I both looked at each other,
not believing our ears. She was only two when she said this. I
took full responsibility because Reyanshi had probably heard me
say this sometime and hence repeated the same. I was genuinely
upset with myself because I was to blame for Reyanshi’s ‘fat’
comment. I was too critical of myself and without realising it
had said it out loud. I always knew that kids listen to everything
that we say, but her comment was a hard lesson that not only was
she listening but also processing and building her self-image by
what she saw and heard.
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Honestly, every day we tell our children how smart, beautiful,

and loving they are. Often on social media, I use filters to try and
fix my lips, or the colour of my skin or eyes etc. My daughter had
been seeing me do that and commented a similar way. Her pouts
and the way she posed for selfies were all a reflection of how I
behaved on social media. Instantly I made a promise to myself
that I would only say or do things that would support a self-
image for her and me, that I wanted - a healthy and satisfying
body image.
At times when we are too critical of ourselves or our bodies,
we don’t realise that we may be influencing our children’s minds
as well. We live in a society that is obsessed with fair skin and
people who look young and beautiful. We propagate that as well
by telling the kids not to go out in the sun because they’ll get
tanned or by using filters when we post pictures on social media.
Instead, let’s embrace our children’s skin colours, features and
body weight and remember that there will be a time when they
will be conscious and driven about the same. When our kids are
small, we shape how they think, so if we think black is beautiful,
it is; if we think short is cute, it is.
e careful with what you say in front of your child: Making
B
comments like “I shouldn’t eat that” or “I just need to lose a
few pounds” convey your dissatisfaction with appearance. All
kids deal with body image issues as they grow up but our duty
as parents is to help them embrace what they have now and
embrace our features as well. Unconditional love towards our
bodies yet leading a healthy life with exercise and a healthy diet
is a way to help them embrace themselves.
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MY CHILD DOESN’T LIKE HOW HE/SHE LOOKS
Re-evaluation:
1. Is your child conscious about her/his looks?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2. Have you contributed to this in any way?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #5
MY CHILD DOESN’T
EAT VEGGIES
“If you have never been hated by your child,

you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis
M y firstborn is a fruit and vegetable lover. I never had

to make an effort to make her eat any new vegetables.
Being a foodie, she would try everything. I thought it would be
as simple for my second child as well. However, it wasn’t! Her
favourite fruits and vegetables were only the seasonal and exotic
ones that weren’t available all the time. As a second-time mother,
I thought I knew the game but ever so often, I would find myself
upset at her not eating her food properly and being underweight.
Even today, Reyanshi doesn’t enjoy carrot, cucumber, beetroot or
any other fruits except strawberries and oranges.
Certain things, however, worked during my struggle.

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MY CHILD DOESN’T EAT VEGGIES
I would make veggie parathas/pancakes for her that she would

readily eat. Although, one thing I was clear about was not to give
her screen-time to make her eat. I always trusted the survival
instinct and I kind of knew that she would never keep herself
hungry for too many days. However, the motherly instinct got
me worried about her weight.
As time passed by and she went to school and classes, seeing
her other friends, she increased usage of her tastebuds and palate
and is now open to trying other fruits and vegetables as well.
This has helped her experiment with different foods and has not
made her averse, as I consciously tried not to force her during her
struggling times.
I have chosen to ditch ready-to-cook, quick calorie and weight
increasing foods and prefer to stick to the basics. I try a lot of
different grains, pulses that give enough nutrients. This may not
increase her body fat but gives her the energy and stamina she
needs.
isten to your child’s hunger clock: What I found worked
L
for me is changing my mindset from forcing her and finding
shortcuts to make her eat to a long-lasting plan which
includes a balanced diet. It took days of waiting it out and not
compromising on her food decisions, listening to her hunger
clock, and when she is really hungry, giving her the right
amount of nutrients. Force-feeding never works, but conscious
decisions at the right time do.
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Re-evaluation:
1. Is your child fussy while eating?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2. What do you do when he/she doesn’t eat fruits and vegetables?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #6
MY CHILD THROWS
TANTRUMS EVERYDAY
“Children don’t know how to ask for what they don’t know they
need. Their asking comes in the form of behaviour.”
- Bonnie Harris
M y child had gotten so used to adults solving her problems

before she even tried herself that she started involving
an adult everything. “I’m hungry”, “She took my doll”, I’m too
cold”, “I want a lollipop”, my 3-year-old would constantly come
to me for everything. If I didn’t hear her at once, she would start
crying the second time, and by the fifth time, she was on the
floor, shrieking! As a new parent, I would immediately go hold
her, caress her and love her. From the next time, every time she
said “Mumma”, whether I was on an important call, a seminar,
a class or talking to someone, the minute she said “Mumma”
my attention was all on her. I kept doing it for the longest time
until I realised it was taking away all my energy and also making
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her excessively demanding. Every time she wanted something,

she needed instant gratification, and that person had to listen to
her immediately; otherwise, she would start bawling. She had
developed this habit, and I had helped develop it for her!
I realised before I had my second child that I would have
to prepare her and get her used to waiting for her turn. These
tantrums were her way of getting attention and also feeling
noticed. I realised that I had to redirect her way of asking for
attention more subtly and positively. “Mom, I need some time
with you” was what I wanted her to express. Positive attention
is what she needed, so telling her that “I love it when you talk
nicely to me”, “I love spending time with you” etc., was important
to make her feel significant and loved.
I also noticed that when my 3-year-old felt like no one was
listening to him, he would bite his sister or hit me on my arm
or even pinch me. It was his way of saying, “Look, I’m here, can
you feel me?” and when my older one wanted to be noticed,
more than physical hitting, she would say something rude, or
do something that I didn’t like, like not do her homework or
just laze on the floor, or even start lying and saying nasty things.
All of these can be categorised as tantrums, and tantrums can
happen at any age. When things don’t go your way, anyone can
throw a tantrum; the intensity of it may differ. It happens when
the irrational brain takes over the rational part, and you express
it by screaming, hitting, throwing, showing anger, or sometimes
even giving the cold shoulder, feeling insecure, and overcritical
of yourself.
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MY CHILD THROWS TANTRUMS EVERYDAY
Here are some ways to effectively handle tantrums:

Be calm: The best way to handle a tantrum is to be calm at
the time of the tantrum. Diverting your child’s attention and
showing them the brighter side of things may also help a little
later.
o not give false promises: However, things that you must
D
not do during a tantrum is to give false promises, give in to
their demand, apologise for saying no or do anything that is a
temporary balm to the tantrum.
se the tantrum as a teaching opportunity: A tantrum is an
U
opportunity to set permanent behaviour rules and to deliver
to children that you will stick through with what you said no
matter what they do. It is a golden opportunity to display your
resolve and that you are unshakeable, don’t give in and see how
your child slowly and gradually gets out of tantrums with your
firmness and kindness.
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Re-evaluation:
1. How often does your child throw a tantrum?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2. How do you react?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #7
MY CHILD DOESN’T SHARE
“In my world, there are no bad kids, just impressionable

conflicted young people wrestling with emotions & impulses,
trying to communicate their feelings and needs the
only way they know how.”
- Janet Lansbury
W hen Miraaya was sixteen months old, I had put her in a

mother-toddler program. Every time she went to class,
she would hold on to one toy and refuse to share it with anyone
else. She had no siblings at home, so she never had to share her
belongings with anyone and was used to personal attention. I
didn’t want her to start her first social interaction with other
kids on the wrong foot, so I started teaching her the concept of
sharing very early.
Sharing can be taught and inculcated as early as when the
child turns one; however, results take time to actually show. The
building blocks of sharing, like waiting for a turn and waiting if
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the parents are busy, are all foundations of teaching sharing to

children.
Some steps to teach an infant to share:

hen your child is around seven months, you can give your
W
baby a rattle and say, “Here you go”! When the baby takes it
smile, and give it to him/her.
ext, open your hand, put it close to his/her hand, and say
N
thank you for encouraging him/her to give you the toy. Now
give it back to him/her again. Repeat this for as long as your
child is engaged.
nce the baby has mastered that, move to the next step. Take
O
two similar toys, and sit across from each other, and keep rolling
the ball back and forth to each other.
nce this is also mastered, go to the next level, which is taking
O
turns. Take one toy and give it to him/her and say, “Your turn
now.” Wait for a few seconds and put your hand out and say,
“My turn”. When he gives you the toy, say, “Thank you!” Hold it
briefly and give the toy back to him and say, “Your turn.”
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MY CHILD DOESN’T SHARE
Re-evaluation:
1. Is your child happy with sharing?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2. What do you do when he/she doesn’t share?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #8
MY CHILDREN ARE
FIGHTING
“A child whose behaviour pushes you away is the child who needs
connection before anything else.”
- Kelly Bartlett
W ith three kids and a two-and-a-half-year age gap between

each, there is a lot of “He did it”, “She hit me first”, “He’s
rude to me”, “I didn’t do it” etc. that I have to deal with daily.
What do I do?
Most of the time, I don’t deal with it and ignore it totally or
until it gets extremely out of hand…
Rules for handling sibling rivalry:

Refuse to be the referee: When two people are fighting and
if you end up deciding whose right and wrong; eventually
you become wrong, and the other two have resolved the fight.
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MY CHILDREN ARE FIGHTING
Instead of choosing sides, hold both the parties responsible and

let them take onus for their behaviour.
ccept and acknowledge current feelings: Whatever the child
A
is feeling at the time is best to be accepted. Give them space
and let them excuse themselves till they can move on from
those feelings and calm themselves down.
omparison is a no-no: Nothing is ever achieved through
C
comparing; it only leads to feelings of competition, anger and
jealousy. Celebrate their strengths and don’t expect them to be
like each other, especially during fights, don’t say things like, “
Learn from your sister, she never hits”, or “Why can’t you be
like your brother?”
ive individual space and time: As kids grow up, individual
G
time becomes extremely important to connect with the child.
Set aside some time to listen to them and vent out their feelings.
Most problems get diffused if they feel respected, valued and
listened to.
xcuse yourself: I feel this works very well; when kids see you
E
excusing yourself and taking a time-out to take deep breaths
or calm down, they learn to do the same. Not every spur of the
moment emotion needs to be expressed; something can take its
own time to resolve if not given too much attention. Learn to
take out some quiet time to digest the feeling and if you think
you can get over it, do it yourself.
e no-tolerance zone: Make sure to convey to them what
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comes in the no-tolerance zone. These could include abusing,
name-calling or physical fights. In family meetings, you can
state consequences for these, which could be withdrawing a
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privilege or anything that would make the child understand

that they have crossed their boundary.
Re-evaluation:
1. How often do your kids fight?
___________________________________________________
2. What do you do when they are fighting?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #9
MY CHILD HITS OTHERS
“Our kids are counting on us to provide two things: consistency

and structure. Kids need parents to say what they mean, mean
what they say, and do what they say they are going to do.”
- Barbara Coloroso
W hen my son was small, he used to hit anybody and

everybody who came in contact with him. Hitting
was his way of getting things done, getting attention, fighting
for himself, getting noticed, getting love, and sometimes even
expressing love. Hitting was his way of expressing his needs,
is what I thought. I read a lot of parenting books and tried all
the tested methods to stop him from hitting. I stopped saying
‘NO’ to him or forcing him to apologise to his friends etc. As a
concerned mother, I did everything to stop him from hitting. I
felt the more I forbade him to do something, the more he did
it. Talking to him privately, explaining the ill effects of hitting,
punishments, role-plays, nothing worked.
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I felt as if I had failed. I kept trying to understand the reason

behind his hitting. I wondered if I didn’t give enough time and
attention or if I was too strict towards him or that I didn’t give
him enough space to express himself or what went wrong that
he hit people around him? I checked his surroundings to see
if someone around him used to hit others or if I hit him ever.
The answer was no, but then where had he learned the hitting
from, I wondered. I soon understood that his intention was not
to hit, but it came more out of habit. He had developed a habit
of getting his way around by hitting.
Here is what you can do to prevent your child from hitting:

top adding fuel to the fire: I soon stopped giving attention
S
to the action. I stopped making it a big deal. Every time we
went anywhere, I spoke to him and told him the healthier
ways of interacting with kids. I spoke to him about what was
acceptable and what was not firmly but politely. Every time I
did something wrong, I made it a point to say sorry to him to
instil it in him.
ake apologizing natural: Whenever Miraaya and Reyanshi
M
would play with him and unintentionally hurt him, they would
say sorry and hug him. Soon this became a part of our life, and
as time went by, he understood that he didn’t get anything out
of hitting. The next time he went on a play date, I heard him
say sorry immediately when he hurt his friend by mistake. This
made me realise that there are phases of hitting and when we
handle it the right way, we can get over it pretty smoothly.
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MY CHILD HITS OTHERS
ct without words: Another effective strategy I used was

A
Acting Without Words.’ Before he went on a play date, I had
told him that if I saw him hit a child, I would immediately take
him out of the situation and take him home. I asked him if
he understood what I was saying and if it made sense to him.
Once he agreed, I followed through by acting kindly and firmly
but without saying a word. When he started hitting his friend,
I immediately held his hand and took him home. I have done
this consistently 3-4 times. When I went home, he asked me,
“Mumma, I was hitting; that’s why you took me away, right”.
I agreed and once he understood the logical consequence, that
every time he hits, he would be taken out of that situation and
taken home, his mind automatically made the two connections
and his hitting reduced. These two different strategies worked
very well, one to model that hitting has consequences and the
second to just help him say sorry.
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Re-evaluation:
1. Does your child resort to hitting?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2. What do you do when he/she hits?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
3. Does it help the situation?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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CHALLENGE #10
MY CHILD MISBEHAVES
IN PUBLIC
“Focus more on who your child is than on what your child does.
Remember, you’re growing a person, not fixing a problem.”
- L.R.Knost
W hen my daughters were eight and six, we had planned a

trip to Europe, which entailed museum trips, sightseeing,
restaurant meals and a visit to Disneyland. We had planned
everything, the food to be carried for the kids, a very detailed
and well-planned itinerary and lots of fun, however, what we
were not prepared for was for public meltdowns!
Inside the shops in Disneyland were tons of beautiful princess
gowns and other fairy tale things and my 8-year-old daughter
started with one thing that she wanted. We bought that for her
and then the list continued with the second and third thing, and
watching her Reyanshi, my second daughter, also started crying
for a few things. She started screaming and throwing herself on
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the floor and insisted that she wanted it.

We tried to quietly calm her down and reason it out with
her, but her ability to reason vanished at that time. As we told
her you could only buy one thing, she started wailing even more
in the middle of the shop. I took her in my arms to prevent the
scene from escalating but felt deeply embarrassed.
How many of you resonate with me in this situation? Have
you felt like this?
We knew we had to flee from the shop and take her out
immediately but we were completely at a loss for words. Our
otherwise very well-behaved children who had everything they
asked for in the house, who were very content kids, something
happened to them that day!
Sooner or later, all kids - even the content and quiet ones
will act differently in public. While this is completely normal,
it’s also a huge let-down for parents. When children act like
this in public, we as parents tend to take it as a reflection of our
personal failure. However, we must understand that it’s not a
personal failure! It is just a parenting block that will get solved
with age. Kids are just behaving their age and reacting, publicly
or privately, hardly matters to them! I try to identify triggers to
this tantrum - hunger, sleep, overstimulation?
If it was one of them, I told myself that next time I would
first fulfil that need and then take them elsewhere. Else, if we
are going shopping, I would make a list beforehand and let them
know they can only buy one thing and stick to that. Don’t change
a No to a YES ever!!! A CONSISTENT “No” is what works in
tantrums.
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MY CHILD MISBEHAVES IN PUBLIC
If you say it, mean it, and if you mean it, follow through with
it: Children are smart and they can understand when we
mean something and when we are just using blackmail or a
false threat. If you say, I will read a story at 8 pm after your
pyjamas are on and teeth are brushed and your kids aren’t ready
by 8 pm, point it out and let them sleep without their story. Be
encouraging by saying, “You can try again tomorrow.”
Re-evaluation:
1. Write down about a time your child misbehaved in public---
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2. How did you react?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
3. Did it stop his/her misbehaviour?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
4. What else could you do?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
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CHALLENGE # 11
MY CHILD BULLIES
OTHER KIDS
“Every child’s behaviour is telling us something.

Our job is to see the behaviour as information, not aggravation.”
- Unknown
B eing the eldest child, my very intelligent 8-year-old started

bossing around other kids. A born leader who always wanted
to make her team come together and win soon started dictating
her ideas and preferences and made sure everyone stuck to them.
Now and then, I caught her bossing around her siblings and
silently, she would bully them into listening to her.
In the 8th standard, I vividly remember, I was called a lizard
in school; I would silently listen to it and try and ignore it, but
somewhere it became embedded in my self-concept. I started
seeing myself like a lizard. It was only when I went to college
in the US, that my impression changed. However, I lived with it
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MY CHILD BULLIES OTHER KIDS
for four years of my life, contributing to my low self-confidence,

inferior body image and poor self-esteem. The girl who had
called me that probably didn’t even mean it and even forgot
about it but for me, it lasted for most of my teenage and created
a huge impact on how I perceived myself. I may laugh about it
now but that time, I remember crying about it but again, now
sharing it is to explain how it can be handled.
I may not be able to protect my children from the name-
calling but the least I can do is encourage them to share it with
me and fight it together.
Bullying is not taken seriously enough; bullying may mean
just physical bullying but even something like name-calling has
a dreadful impact on the child. As parents, we may even reinforce
it sometimes by saying it’s a part of growing up, deal with it or
you’re old enough to handle it now! But being called names is
not imaginary; it is the truth of life and it is bullying.
Myths about bullying:
1. Calling someone dark, or nerdy, or ‘chashmish’ (spectacled)

or chubby is not bullying: These words are common and kids
may do it all the time, but just because it’s done all the time
doesn’t make it alright. It is still bullying and should be taken
seriously.
2. Girls do not bully: Girls and boys can both bully; anything
that makes you uncomfortable is bullying and should be
pointed out.
187
3. Bullying toughens up children: No, in fact, it weakens children.

Bullying does not help the child become emotionally strong or
physically strong; on the contrary, it makes them doubt their
capabilities and create assumptions about themselves.
4. Bullying is only confined to physical spaces: Bullying can
happen anywhere, not just in school; it can happen online,
through social media and even through parents or other family
members.
How should you deal with bullying?

Proactive communication: Share your experiences of bullying
with the child and encourage them to share even the slightest
discomfort with you. Be interested in the day to day happenings
of your child and actively question the child.
ead early cues: A child can bully and also be bullied at the
R
same time. Any unexpected behaviour should be spoken about
with the child; even if you feel the child is an introvert, there
may still be instances that he/she is not comfortable talking
about. The child doesn’t need to be bullied by another child;
he/she may also be bullied by a teacher, house-staff, a family
member, siblings or a cousin. Make sure you never ignore the
cues.
ever blame the victim: “What did you do first?”, “Did you
N
hit the child?” Never make these statements to a child who has
already tried his best to muster up the courage to talk to you.
each your child to speak for themselves: Speak to the child
T
and find ways to protect him/herself. Instil self-confidence in
188
MY CHILD BULLIES OTHER KIDS
them and encourage them to be in touch with their emotions

and speak up freely.
Re-evaluation:
1. Has your child bullied others or been bullied??
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2. How have you handled it?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
3. What could you do differently?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
189
CHALLENGE #12
MY CHILD LIES
“Children do well if they can; if they can’t, we need to figure out

why so we can help.”
- Ross Greene
M y 3-year-old would come and tell me everything. “Didi

hit choti”. “I left two bites of food”. “I wet my pants” etc.
But my 8-year-old would fake it. “I brushed my teeth” when she
hadn’t, “I did my homework” when she hadn’t, “I had my milk”
— but the milk would be lying on the table.
As children grow up, they start developing a mind of their
own. Younger ones admit how things are the way they are as
they still can’t differentiate between right and wrong; however,
the older they get, the more they lie. They do this to say or do
the “right” things at the expense of lying. I realised that my
8-year-old lied to get away with things, to not want to face the
consequences and exercise her power. Even if she forgot to do
something, she would lie to avoid confrontation. Maybe in our
190
MY CHILD LIES
confrontation, I got angry and did things she didn’t like, which
made her resist the truth and not own up. She was guided by the
past to lie in the present.
This made me realise that no matter what your child does, your
reaction will determine whether the next time she will own up to
her mistake and confess to you or will lie. And this matters the
most in the long term. Some lies can be overlooked, while some
have to be tackled in a calm and non-confrontational manner.
I also realised my 3-year old’s confessions doesn’t depend on
my reaction as much as my 8-year-old’s does. The older your
child gets, the more they need you to handle their mistakes with
composure, calmness and maturity.
hat we focus on grows: This is so simple and yet so true. The
W
more I focused on the lies and labelled my child a liar, the more
she confirmed this hypothesis. However, the more I focused on
her truths, the more I noticed her honest confessions and the
more truth she spoke. What blossoms depends on the seeds
we water and nurture. Similarly, in our relationship with our
children, if we nurture the negative seeds, we will see them
flourishing, but if we nurture their strengths and the positive
seeds, the more they will grow as good human beings.
191
Re-evaluation:
1. Has your child ever made up something?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2. Would you like to confront him/her?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
3. What would you say to make him/her understand that lying
is unacceptable?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
192
CHALLENGE #13
MY CHILD DOES THE
OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAY
“No is not a complete thought. If we want our children to

learn to think like adults, we need to explain our adult thinking.
Don’t command. Communicate.”
- L.R.Knost
“D on’t jump on the couch”, and Aavyaan went straight and

jumped on the couch. “Don’t walk fast”, and he would
start running, “Don’t hit your sister”, and one whack would be
delivered on her head!! What was going on? Did my child just
stop hearing the word DON’T?? Did he want to just trouble me
and annoy me? Was he doing this on purpose?
The answer was no!
When I told my child not to jump on the couch, the only
193
way for his brain to understand this was to think of jumping on

the couch and then he would go do just that. If I told you, don’t
think of a red monkey on a blue cycle. What did you just think
of ? A red monkey on a blue cycle. Instantly you think of this to
make sense of what I’ve just said to you. Consequently, when
I told him, “Don’t jump on the couch”, I created a picture of
jumping on the couch in his brain and then he moved towards
the picture and went and jumped on the couch. He did exactly
what I did not want him to do, not because he wanted to but
because his 3-year-old brain led him to that.
Learning to accept a NO is a developmental process for
children. It is challenging yet indispensable for children to learn.
Children do not understand why parents may say no; they get
that if she spills her food, she may get an angry reaction from
you, but the why behind the No is not understood by them.
Since children learn by experimentation and trial and error, a
strict No may come in the way of their learning.
When we understand that perceiving, interpreting and
understanding any situation is very different for young children,
as adults, we can alter our expectations.
How do you get him to stop doing what you don’t want him to
do??
top saying the word ‘Don’t’: Direct his energy to what you
S
want him to do, rather than what you don’t want. Hence, you
can say “Walk fast” instead of “Don’t walk slowly” or “Jump on
the trampoline instead of jumping on the couch”.
194
MY CHILD DOES THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAY
uide your child to action: By giving a guided alternative to

G
do, we create a picture in our child’s mind about what we want
him to do and then the brain is more likely to push them to do
that. Instead of saying to your child, “You never study”, you can
say, “I want you to study and write neatly, so you do well and
start enjoying school.”
ffer a replacement action: Giving a substitute action that
O
your child can do and creating that picture in their mind makes
them more likely to listen to you. Instead of saying “Don’t hit
your sister”, you can say, “Hitting hurts; instead, can we use
gentle hands or would you like to give a hug?”. This gives
children a choice of the acceptable act and redirects them to do
that. Altering the way we talk to our children has a huge effect
on their behaviour, self-esteem and self-image.
195
Re-evaluation:
1. Write down something that you really want your child to do?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2. What does he/say when you ask him/her to do it?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
3. How can you reframe your sentence to get them to do the
action?
___________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
196
CHALLENGE #14
MY CHILD BACK-ANSWERS
AND SCREAMS
“Parents who pay attention can avoid power struggles, even with
strong-willed kids, by empathising as they set limits, give choices
and understand that respect goes both ways.”
- Dr. Laura Markham
T here is a phase in every child’s life where they start forming

their own opinions and expressing them in sometimes
negative ways as well. Respect has become obscure these days,
lines are blurred between a child and an adult, and in general,
society has become a lot more accepting and relaxed with
etiquette in children and adults. Parents have become more
like friends, and kids are encouraged to express their opinions,
preferences and perspectives freely. Children learn early the tone
of the house and soon, they start emulating that. I often find my
eight-year-old having an answer to everything I say, or screaming
to make her opinions heard. She has the freedom to express her
197
opinions but what she has to learn is the way to express them.
“You can’t make me do something I don’t want to do”

“Whatever happens, I will not listen to you”
“You are so mean and rude!”
“I hate you!”
These sentences would come as second nature to my growing

child. Time and again, she would say such things, but later she
would regret it and apologise. How much ever I tried to ignore
them, there would be times I would break down and feel terrible
about the things my child said. The more I spoke with my clients,
the more I understood that backtalk and immediate reactions
of pre-teens was the number one complaint most parents had.
I also realised that most parents who complained of kids back-
answering also knew that it was a common side-effect of children
growing up.
Nevertheless, it is extremely frustrating and unimaginable for
parents to think that their own child has become so rude and
insensitive. However, here I feel as parents, we must take it with
a pinch of salt at times but also set firm boundaries. Rudeness
is unacceptable but you being rude with them at that time or
having an argument won’t help. A flight-or-fight response is
what you need to decide on. Leave the situation and run out of
there or face it. Make sure you don’t take anything personally
and take it as a child just wanting independence.
198
MY CHILD BACK-ANSWERS AND SCREAMS
Sometimes we can ignore things that kids say, but we also need
interventions to prevent rudeness from becoming a habit.
Some ways are:
ive children the freedom to make their own choices: It’s
G
important to understand when a child needs space and needs
to exercise his/her power. Daily decisions should be left for the
child to make. Find opportunities to give kids control and to
take decisions so that they feel respected.
uring the act, don’t be the supporting actor: Own your act.
D
When your child is saying something you don’t like, instead of
responding and playing the part of a supporting actor in the
story, choose to stay quiet. Be aware of your own communication
style, and reduce your retaliation. Honestly, when Miraaya said
nasty words to me, I realised at times unknowingly I contributed
to the power struggle, which aggravated her reactions.
ngage more and order less: Spend productive time with them
E
rather than instruct them. You’ll be amazed at how much fun
they have with you and how their tone gets sublimed. Make
sure you are filling your child’s attention basket every day but
also make sure you don’t over-fill it. The time spent with kids
should be uninterrupted, child-centric where he/she is calling
the shots and acknowledged. Every day set a routine, “Ten
minutes of bonding time between Mumma and Reyanshi”.
Naming this time adds significance and value for the child and
they feel special. By investing direct time, you’ll see a decrease
in back-answers and rudeness.
e firm and stick to rules: Don’t let your child take you for
B
granted. Kids flourish in structure and consistent flow of events.
199
Backtalk happens more when children want to push boundaries

and not meet deadlines. Flexibility is important in parenting,
but more crucial is consistency and stability. The more you state
your expectations clearly and firmly, the more seriously you will
be taken by your child. State clear expectations for your family
and establish explicit consequences verbally. Stick with the
limits you put in place without being harsh, just being firm.
o not clap: While your children are showcasing a drama
D
worthy of an award, your job is to stay unimpressed. Do
not react, the more you do the more they will dramatize the
situation. Instead of saying, “You will not talk to me like that
young man”, just say, “I feel hurt when you are loud and rude”.
Be specific about the behaviour that you don’t like. You can also
say, “When I hear your tone rising, I will walk away and we can
talk again when your tone has softened”. The next time this
happens, instead of saying anything, just walk away to send the
message that you refuse to participate in the drama. Remember,
when there is no opponent, there is no fight!
200
MY CHILD BACK-ANSWERS AND SCREAMS
Re-evaluation:
1. Write about a time when your child back-answered.
___________________________________________________
2. Where do you think he/she learnt it from?
___________________________________________________
3. How did it make you feel?
___________________________________________________
4. How did you react?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
201
CHALLENGE #15
MY CHILD WATCHES
A LOT OF SCREEN
“Gentle parenting doesn’t involve instantaneous results,

but naturally achieved, life-long lasting results.”
-Kirsty Lee
I take pride in being a strict, no-nonsense mother! When my

first child was born, it was relatively easy to be strict, to lay
down rules and to have them followed. No salt in the food for
the first year, and no candies and screens till she turned three
years. But then, when my second one was born, my boundaries
got stretched and everything that my elder one was allowed at
4, Reyanshi was allowed at 2.5. Consequently, for Aavyaan the
rules were almost set by his siblings, so he was allowed liberties
and luxuries at 1.5 years of age
However, whenever Miraaya watched the screen, Reyanshi
and Aavyaan joined her as well. When you have more than one
child, the time frame of luxuries given to the child may change
202
MY CHILD WATCHES A LOT OF SCREEN
but your fundamentals and value systems must remain the same.
Even though Reyanshi and Aavyaan watched the screen early, it
was filtered, regulated and age-appropriate.
Today, Due to the COVID-19 pandemic and hybrid learning
models, screen time has been incorporated in a regular day and
even a 4-year-old is averaging about 3 hours of screen time every
day. Hence, it has become even more imperative to reduce the
usage of electronics the rest of the day. Every second child is
prescribed glasses because of the over-exposure to screens.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommendations for
an acceptable amount of screen time are:
• No screen time for children under 2
• One hour per day for children 2 to 12
• Two hours per day for teens and adults
While this seems almost impossible to follow in today’s
screen-friendly world, maximum refraining of the screen must
be implemented.
Some ways to limit screen time are :

se limits and reinforce rules: In today’s world, avoiding the
U
screen is not an option, but limiting it and enforcing the rules
consistently is. Children push limits to test when we will say
yes, but with a consistent no, they eventually accept it. My kids
are allowed leisure screen time only on Saturday and Sunday
for an hour each and most days; they adhere to it. Maybe once
or twice a month, I have to give in when they are exceptionally
cranky or we are on holiday, but apart from that, limiting
203
the screen-time has taught them how to respect, value and

appreciate luxuries.
ut hand-held devices away: As much as possible let children
P
watch bigger screens like televisions or desktops. Avoid giving
the children laptops, Ipads or mobile phones. Yes, it is difficult
to follow especially when you want them to be distracted for
some time at restaurants while you enjoy a peaceful meal, but
trust me in the larger scheme of things you are really doing
harm to your child. So, strive to not give them any hand-held
devices.
reate screen-free zones in the home: Designate areas where
C
family members are not allowed to browse through their mobile
phones for example the dining room or the living room during
certain times of the day.
204
MY CHILD WATCHES A LOT OF SCREEN
205
Re-evaluation:
1. How many hours a week does your child watch the screen?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2. Would you like to change it?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
3. How does he respond when you switch off the screen?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
206
About The Author
Sidhika Goenka is a Happy Family
Coach and a Strengths-Focused
Psychologist. She is the founder of
Empowering You- Shaping Your Self-
Esteem, a personality development
and growth centre for children and
adults. Since 2010, she has been
coaching individuals to enhance their
communication skills, confidence
and relationship-building skills. After achieving her B.A from
Purdue University, USA and MSc. from the Indiana University-
Bloomington, she came to India with a dream of empowering 1
million people. She is a certified positive-discipline parent coach,
NLP practitioner, story-teller and a happiness coach.
Since the age of 19 she has been manifesting her visions and
goals to reality. Sidhika has 12 years of experience in family
coaching, mental health counseling, teacher training, confidence
building, goal manifestation, and leadership training. Sidhika’s
enthusiasm, exuberance and zest for life are contagious which
leave the audience encouraged to see a new perspective, propelled
for change and inspired for action.
She offers certified parent coaching programs for aspiring
coaches, teacher training workshops, parent-empowering
seminars and individual consultation. She has contributed to a
range of newspapers and magazines on parenting and mental
wellness. As a mother of three, Sidhika is always ready for the
unexpected, embraces chaos and proudly lives in an action-
packed and happy home :)

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Registered Office- 907-Sneh Nagar, Sapna Sangeeta Road,

First Published by WINGS PUBLICATION 2022

Title: SUPER CHARGE YOUR PARENTING

LIMITS OF LIABILITY/DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY

T his book has been possible because of my clients who

I write this book as a strengths-focused psychologist, a positive-

W hen my first child was born, I was 25 years old, received

So, what had changed?

My faith in myself as a parent!

I was sure I could handle anything that came my way. After

Instead, in the Authoritative Parenting Style, YOU would say:

3.You go to a birthday party with your 5-year-old:

6. Your child is colouring –

8. Your child asks you to read a book. You:

9. In your house, bedtime is:

12. Your child is reading a book in dim light

2. Teacher-Parent (Authoritarian parenting style):

3. Relaxed- Parent (Permissive parenting style):

4. Busy- Parent (Neglectful parenting style):

SECTION 1: The Challenges that I Face as a Parent

If I had my child to raise all over again,

“ You do not have to suﬀer in silence or feel ashamed.

A ngela came looking extremely exhausted, as a mother who

“I had imagined falling in love with those innocent eyes, that

When I told Angela that she might be battling a mild form of

Here are some tips to combat Post-Partum Depression (PPD):

“There is no way to be a perfect mother and

A serious-looking Nisha met me, sitting erect on her chair,

have handled it better.”

and a self-doubting individual.

R ani looked exhausted. When she met me, she exclaimed,

Chores need to be made a part of their daily routine. We can

“The sign of great parenting is not the child’s behaviour.

“M y 7-year-old boy was standing on the cricket field with

Let children learn and grow: With necessary precautions, let

“It’s not only children who grow, parents do too.”

child and feared the spread of any infection.

Some ways that you can become less possessive are:

“Being a mother is learning about the strengths you didn’t know

R iya walked into my clinic concerned about her headache,

Here are some suggestions on how to change a negative

H aving my kids around me all the time gets me to say

content and elevate my state of mind. I started believing that I

Let me share some ways to cope with parental guilt:

your child to increase his/her general knowledge. You can buy

times where she wanted to be perfect.

is the foundation of a happy family. However, efficient time

amongst the family members to help each other. Write down

Reference: The Eisenhower Matrix: https://todoist.com/

“I am always the bad cop,” Sheela blurted out. “My children

 e each other’s parent-chute: To be on the same page with your

results. For instance, you and your partner could disagree on

yourself, take a time-out and then come back. As humans, we

A s a mother, I felt I understood my children best. My husband

 llow others to be right: What I said to my husband was not

“Raise your words, not your voice.

E very time I am having a conversation with somebody, my

“Mumma, stop repeating it a thousand times”. But the work

A simple change of NOT repeating myself has made such a

6. Your child is colouring –

9. In your house, bedtime is:

e each other’s parent-chute: To be on the same page with your

llow others to be right: What I said to my husband was not

Let us understand “How to develop compassion?”

im for physical connection daily: The more comfortable you

ncourage mature responses to accomplishments: When

each children to express their needs: Show your child an