Proofreading Skills Tutorial:

Tutorial #14:
Writing Concisely

Eliminating Empty Phrases

Avoiding Clichés

Eliminating Redundancy

Writing Center
English 800 Center
All notes and exercises should be done

on separate sheets of paper, which you

will bring to your conference with an

instructor in the center.

As you work through the tutorial, make sure to

see an instructional aide at the front desk in the

Writing Center or English 800 Center if you

have any questions or difficulties.

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Improving Sentence Focus: Writing Concisely
According to research in the field of composition, university professors identify long, flowing
sentences as one of the characteristics of good academic writing. But the truth is that simply
adding extra words to your sentences can interfere with the effective communication of your ideas.
Writing concisely, or making a point in the fewest possible words, will make your essays clear and
easy to understand.

When you proofread, you should think of yourself as a butcher who is trimming the fat from your
sentences. This tutorial will teach you some principles to follow as you proofread for concision.
Once you finish making your essay more concise, you should fuse the concise, choppy sentences
into the longer, varied structures that good academic writing requires.
Note: The tutorials Coordination and Subordination, Noun-Phrase Appositives and Verbal Phrases
also cover different sentence styles that you can use to combine your sentences.

This tutorial will demonstrate three strategies for ensuring concise writing:
1. eliminating empty phrases
2. avoiding clichés
3. eliminating redundancy

Eliminating Empty Phrases

Look at the following sentences:

As far as I am concerned, discrimination against certain ethnic groups continues to exist for
all intents and purposes.
Discrimination against certain ethnic groups continues to exist.
In your own words, explain the differences between these two sentences.

As you probably noticed, the first sentence contains more words than the second one. The second
sentence is more concise and direct. Because the first sentence includes empty or “filler” words, it
does not communicate the main idea as clearly as the second sentence does. Eliminating the
phrase makes the sentence more effective.

Some students think that adding empty phrases will make their essays sound more formal and
impressive, but these phrases actually sound artificial and pretentious and make the writing hard to
understand. Look at the following examples of empty phrases that you should always cut from
your sentences. Do you use any of these in your own writing?

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 All things considered In my opinion The fact is that
As far as I’m concerned It is my opinion that In a manner of speaking
For all intents and purposes What’s more is that The thing is that

When you are writing, try to use your own natural voice. Speak aloud as you type and imagine
that you are explaining to someone else in person. Using your own voice will help you avoid
empty phrases.

Now consider the following pairs of sentences, with the empty phrases in italics:
At this point in time, the latest iPad is expensive due to the fact that it has no competition.
Now, the new iPad is expensive because it has no competition.
The reason why Jhumpa Lahiri’s novel is so great is because it has vivid imagery.
Jhumpa Lahiri 's novel is great because it has vivid imagery.
As you can see from these examples, you can reduce empty or “filler” phrases to a single word.

FOR SUBSTITUTE
at the present time now
at this point in time now
concerning the nature of about
in the nature of like
for the purpose of for
in order to to
in this day and age today
in view of the fact that because
it is clear that clearly
by virtue of the fact that because
due to the fact that because
for the reason that because
the reason why is because because
in the event that if
by means of by
last but not least finally

Principle I: Whenever possible, eliminate or condense empty phrases.

Exercise 1

Instructions: Using Principle I, rewrite the following sentences, eliminating or condensing empty
words and phrases.
1. Losa came to this country due to the fact that she wants a career in computer graphics.

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2. For all intents and purposes, Aspara dropped out of school in view of the fact that she had to
help support her family.

3. The fact is that parents must build closer relationships with their teenaged children by virtue of
the fact that so many teens get into trouble in the United States.

4. After she arrived from Burma, the reason that Aung enrolled at CSM was because it was close
to his home and had an excellent English department.

5. In the event that it snows, Luanna will purchase some chains for her tires.

6. In this day and age, it is clear that young people know more about computers than they know
about American history.

Avoiding Clichés
Look at the following sentences.
A healthy lifestyle enhances your ability both to live life to its fullest and to live to a ripe
old age.
A healthy lifestyle helps you live life fully and longer.
In your own words, explain which sentence seems more effective and why.

As you may have noticed, the first sentence contains more words, including expressions that you
have heard before, “live life to its fullest” and “live to a ripe old age.”
Clichés are stale phrases. These expressions were once fresh and forceful, but constant use has
weakened them. Instead of using clichés, it is better to substitute fresh words or restate the idea in
plain language. Be sure to choose words that reflect your ideas and suit your purpose, instead of
settling for overused phrases or vague generalizations.
Here are some examples of clichés:
better late than never knight in shining armor
cool, calm, and collected soar like an eagle
hard as a rock pass with flying colors
white as snow ripe old age
live life to its fullest work like a dog
see eye to eye few and far between

If you are a second-language English speaker, you have probably learned some clichés (idioms) in
your ESL classes so that you will understand what they mean when you hear them. But there are
many more clichés that you will have difficulty recognizing. Remembering to stick to plain

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language when you are writing your essays will help you avoid clichés. And your classroom
instructor will point out any clichés in your writing, so you can learn to avoid them.

Principle II: Use fresh words or plain language rather than clichés.

Exercise 2

Instructions: Using Principle II, rewrite the following sentences by using fresh words or plain
language to eliminate the clichés.

1. We talked until early in the morning, but we just couldn't see eye to eye on where to go for
dinner.

2. In rural areas doctors are so few and far between that even though the doctors work like dogs,
the children do not get adequate medical care.

3. In a crisis, Jing is cool, calm and collected, so we know that he will be an effective nurse in the ER.

Eliminating Slang and Jargon

Consider the following sentences:

Many kids begin school pretty together but then they space out.
Many students begin school focused but then lose their direction.

Explain which sentence sounds more appropriate for a college essay and why.

You may have noticed that the first sentence contains slang. Slang is the colorful and novel expressions
created by different groups of people—from teenagers to computer scientists to musicians. Among those
who understand it, slang may be vivid and forceful. In fact, some slang, such as “dropout,” has proved so
useful that it has passed into the general vocabulary. But most slang is inappropriate for academic or
business writing.
Language specific to a field or discipline is called jargon. Writing a biology paper about cell division
would be impossible without using jargon such as mitosis and meiosis. Similarly, if you are writing an
English essay about a novel, you might use jargon such as protagonist and antagonist. When you are

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writing a paper, use jargon only when it is appropriate to your audience and purpose. When writing for a
general audience, avoid using jargon, or you will risk sounding artificial and pretentious.

Principle III: Avoid slang, and use jargon only when appropriate.

Exercise 3

Instructions: Using Principle III, rewrite the following sentences to eliminate slang or jargon.

1. If he gets too hyper before the interview, Uto may mess up his chances of getting hired.

2. Anne and Carrie were very into Rashad, but he was into Clarice.

3. AIDS is a major deal all over the world.

4. Hassan was so out of it that he forgot his homework.

5. The large black and blue mark on Shireen’s arm, a hematoma caused by a fall from her bicycle,
was painful.

Eliminating Redundancy

Consider these sentences:

Many people who have dropped out of school and lack formal education are unemployed and do not
have jobs.
Many uneducated people are unemployed.

In your own words, explain which sentence is more effective and why.

Although repeating key words in an essay is one way to make writing more analytical and
coherent, redundancy or unnecessary repetition weakens sentences. The first sentence contains
two redundancies. That is, not completing high school means a lack of formal education, and the
definition of being unemployed is not having a job. The second sentence lacks redundancy, and it
is concise and clear.

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The simplest kind of repetition is the phrase that says the same thing twice. In the following
examples, the redundant words are italicized.
aggressive by nature habitual custom repeat again
biography of his life honest in character revert back
circle around ink pen oval in shape
continue on lilac in color small in size
consensus of opinion past memories sudden crisis
few in number past history terrible tragedy
final outcome plans for the future true facts
first and foremost refer back various differences

Shortening these redundant pairs to a single word is one way to improve concision and clarity.
The shorter versions are easier to read and convey the same message more effectively, as shown in
the following pairs of sentences.

Redundant: Past history shows that the students who transfer are actually very
few in number.
Concise: History shows that the students who transfer are actually very few.

Redundant: President George W. Bush made serious errors in responding to the sudden
crisis that followed the terrible tragedy of September 11.
Concise: President George W. Bush made serious errors in responding to the
crisis that followed the tragedy of September 11.
Joining sentences can also help reduce unnecessary repetition, as illustrated in the following
examples:
Redundant: The vegetable industry is one of the largest agricultural sectors in the
United States. The vegetable industry is a significant contributor to the
American export market.
Concise: The vegetable industry is one of the largest agricultural sectors in the
United States and contributes significantly to our export market.

Finally, to check whether a word is working in a sentence, test it. If removing the word does not
alter the meaning, leave it out. Also, if you find yourself repeating the same word or a synonym in
the same sentence, look for ways to eliminate one of the words.

Principle IV: Eliminate redundancy and unnecessary repetition by cutting words or

combining sentences.

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 Exercise 4

Instructions: Using Principle IV, rewrite the following sentences to make them more concise.

1. Some Vietnam veterans coming back to the United States after their tours of duty in Vietnam
had problems readjusting again to life in America.

2. In the 1970s, many students used drugs in high school. Many students could not stop using
drugs during college, especially if they were confronted with a sudden crisis.

3. In spite of the fact that many ordinary middle-aged people say they generally feel physically
healthy and in good shape, debilitating heart attacks or strokes can occur suddenly at any time.

4. The general consensus of opinion among voters was that the mayor had exceeded his authority.

5. The fox that was gray in color and large in size slyly circled around his prey.

Exercise 5

Instructions: Using Principles I, II, III and IV, revise the following paragraph for concision.

At this point in time, my reason for taking this Shakespeare course is complicated. The first reason
why is due to the fact that I wish to transfer from the community college system to the University
of California system. When entering the university as a junior, first and foremost, the college
system expects me to have completed my general education coursework. Therefore, an
expectation of mine for this class involves enhancing my chances of being accepted to the U.C.
system by completing all my general education courses. The second purpose for my taking the
class is for my own personal enrichment. In this day and age, it does not hurt having a well-
rounded education, and I have always really been into Shakespeare. As a matter of fact, the reason
why I have fond past memories of reading his sonnets in high school is because I have had great
teachers at CSM. My plans for the future might include majoring in liberal studies or even
English, and a university requirement requires students to take a course in Shakespeare. So my
anticipation is that I will enjoy this class, and I anticipate that it will help improve my chances of
getting into the University of California system. Last but not least, I hope to pass with flying
colors.

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 Exercise 6

Instructions:

1. Review a classroom essay that you are working on and incorporate concise sentences in
your own writing.

2. Look back at the principles and exercises in this tutorial and make notes on a separate sheet
of paper. You will bring these notes and the essay to your conference.

3. Make an appointment for a conference with an instructor in the Writing Center (18-104) or
English 800 Center (18-102). To make this appointment, stop by the Centers or call (650)
574-6436. During this appointment, the professor will make sure you understand the
concepts covered in this tutorial, answer any questions that you might have, review your
answers to these exercises, and check to see if you can incorporate the skill into your
writing.

Reminder:
For this appointment, bring
• any notes about the tutorial that you have taken
• your completed tutorial exercises
• and the essay

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