THE

ANATOMY
OF
PEACE

Study and Discussion Guide

The Anatomy of Peace
Study and Discussion Guide

The reflection and discussion topics and questions provided here can be
used to enrich individual and group study of The Anatomy of Peace, by
The Arbinger Institute. (Page numbers in this guide refer to the pages in
the Third Edition of the book, published in 2020.) Reading, pondering, and
discussing the book, you can experience an inner change taking place—
in thought patterns, assumptions about situations in your life, views of
yourself and others, and in your optimism and plans for the future. The
process can be enhanced as you reflect on, write about, and/or discuss the
items below, or any other questions or insights you’re interested in.

One set of items is provided for each of the book’s twenty-four chapters.
If you are working alone, you can begin with the reflection items and
then ponder the discussion items by yourself, possibly writing your
thoughts in a journal. (We highly recommend the use of a study journal
to record thoughts and responses.) If you are in a discussion group, it’s
best in many cases, to start by spending a few minutes on the reflection
items individually, and then to talk as a group about the discussion
items. Discussing the reflection items may also be helpful to the group.
Depending on the needs and desires of your group, you can take on one
chapter and its discussion points per meeting or move at a faster pace.
However, we encourage you not to rush. There is much to be learned and
discovered through rich pondering and discussion.

At all times, we at The Arbinger Institute are available to help you with
your learning experience. If you wish to go beyond the items discussed in
the book or in these reflection and discussion topics, or if you would like
personal or organizational help in implementing these ideas, please contact
us at (801) 447-9244. You may also reach us via email at: help@arbinger.com.

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STUDY GUIDE 2
CHAPTER 1

Enemies in the Desert

Reflection
Think about the times in your life when others have tried to
influence you to make a positive change. Make a list of two or three
examples of when those attempts have failed and then a separate
list of two or three examples where others successfully influenced
you to change.

Ponder for a moment on the differences in approach and delivery

between the two. Write down some thoughts on why you think
certain attempts were successful and why others were not.

Discussion
Consider the way that Yusuf al-Falah interacts with Jenny. What is
interesting or significant about their exchange on page 8?

STUDY GUIDE 3
CHAPTER 2

Deeper Matters

Reflection
Write down the names of two or three people in your life whom you
wish would change in some way. Next to each of their names, write
the percentage of time you spend helping things go right in that
relationship, and the percentage of time you spend dealing with
things that are going wrong. For example:

Helping things go right 25%

MIGUEL
Dealing with things that are going wrong 75%

Helping things go right 10%

SEDRAH
Dealing with things that are going wrong 90%

Helping things go right 60%

ZACH
Dealing with things that are going wrong 40%

Discussion
On pages 17-18, Yusuf talks about how he had never convinced
his wife, Lina, that she was wrong by trying to change or correct
her. What has your experience been (both when you have tried to
change others and when others have tried to change you)? Discuss
what it takes to become, as Yusuf put it, an “agent of change.”

STUDY GUIDE 4
CHAPTER 3

Peace in Wartime

Reflection
Think about people in your life with whom your relationships
are struggling. In these situations, how have you been like the
Crusaders who took Jerusalem and how have you been like
Saladin? Also consider people in your life that seem to live their
lives with hearts at peace. What is it about them that leads you to
identify them as “heart at peace” individuals? List traits that stand
out to you.

Discussion
Discuss the similarities and differences between the contrasting
stories of the Crusaders and Saladin. Lou argues that Saladin
sounded “disturbingly weak,” though Yusuf believes that he was
“remarkably and unfailingly strong,” and that the secret of his
strength was that his heart was at peace. Drawing upon these
stories and your own experience, what do you think? How might a
“heart at peace” be a source of strength? What questions or other
thoughts might you have?

STUDY GUIDE 5
CHAPTER 4

Beneath Behavior

Reflection
Reflect on times in your life when you have seen others as objects;
then reflect on times when you have seen others as people.
What do you learn from making this comparison? On page 37, Avi
suggests that we can’t see clearly when our hearts are at war. Think
about experiences in your life that might illustrate this.

Discussion
On page 34, Avi says that seeing another person as an object is
an act of violence. Do you agree with this statement? If so, in what
ways are we violent when we see others as objects? On page 39,
Avi says, “Generally speaking, we respond to others’ way of being
toward us rather than to their behavior. Which is to say that [others]
respond more to how we’re regarding them than they do to our
particular words or actions.” Discuss examples of this phenomenon.
Also, why might someone who is seeing others as people be more
successful in a difficult negotiation, as Avi suggests on page 35?

STUDY GUIDE 6
CHAPTER 5

The Pattern of Conflict

Reflection
Create your own Collusion Diagram using Avi’s example from page
45. Begin in the first quadrant with something another person
does that bothers you. Then, in the second quadrant, write down
how you see this person when he or she is acting in the way you
indicated in the prior quadrant. In the third quadrant, write down
what you do in response when you are seeing this person in the
ways you listed in quadrant two. In the fourth quadrant, write down
how the other person might see you given what you are doing. Now
consider the following: Given what you’ve listed in quadrant four, is
your counterpart less or more likely to continue (or even escalate)
the behavior you listed in quadrant one that you don’t like? Ponder
the implications of this.

Discussion
Over the first five pages of this chapter, we can feel the characters
start to go to war with each other. What were some of the signs that
this was happening? On page 45, Avi then says, “When we start
seeing others as objects, we begin provoking them to make our own
lives difficult. We actually start inviting others to make us miserable.
We begin provoking in others the things we say we hate.” Think of
examples where you have experienced or seen this happening. As
a group, walk through the reflection activity above. Help everyone
create a collusion diagram of their own. If anyone is willing, have
them share their example and discuss the details with the group.

STUDY GUIDE 7
CHAPTER 6

Escalation

Reflection
Revisit the collusion you diagrammed from Chapter 5. Consider
those whom you have enlisted in your own “cause.” Add to your
diagram any allies that you have brought into the collusion. (See
page 53 for an example.)

Discussion
Invite anyone who is willing to identify some allies they have
recruited into their own collusions that they previously diagrammed
relative to Chapter 5. Discuss the different ways that we recruit
others to our sides of collusions. On page 54, Lou was able to
immediately see larger-scale collusions in his company. Discuss
collusions people see in their own organizations or in other areas,
such as politics or world events.

STUDY GUIDE 8
CHAPTER 7

The Right Thing and the Right Way

Reflection
Think about situations in your life where you think you might
be doing the right things but be doing them with a heart at war.
What do you notice in those situations? How have others been
responding to you? How have you been feeling? Who have you
felt is responsible for how you have been feeling? Also, consider
someone in your life that you see as an object. What good qualities
might you be ignoring? What needs might they have that you have
been failing to see?

Discussion
On page 58, Yusuf said, “If you are not wrong, then you will be
willing to consider how you might be mistaken.” Discuss what he
meant by that. Also, discuss the story about Lou causing his father’s
car to roll into the Hudson River. What do you find surprising in that
story? Inspiring? Difficult? Worrisome? Ask for and discuss examples
people might have that remind them in one way or another of this
story. Also, consider what the story Carol told on pages 63 and 64
did for the group. What did it do for Lou? Why is this important?

STUDY GUIDE 9
CHAPTER 8

Reality

Reflection
Think about people you know who are like Kate Stenarude, as
described on pages 72 and 73. What is it like to be with these
people? What do they invite in you?

Discussion
Over lunch, Lou called John Rencher, the head of the union. To put it
mildly, the call didn’t go well, and Lou dismissed everything he had
learned to that point as a bunch of bunk. Why do you think Lou used
that conversation as evidence that the ideas he had been learning
from Yusuf and Avi were a waste? What was Lou failing to see in that
moment? Have people identify the realities in their own situations
that they are likely to find difficult. Discuss how we might be tempted
in those moments to dismiss these ideas. Why might that be a
mistake? On page 76, Carol threatened to leave Lou. What do you
think—was she in or out of the box in this moment? Discuss.

STUDY GUIDE 10
CHAPTER 9

The Beginning of an Idea

Reflection
In the brief philosophical overview on pages 80-81, we learn of
Martin Buber’s formulations of the two basic ways of being: I-It and
I-Thou. Consider the meaning of the hyphen in these descriptions
of the ways of being. There is no separate “I” way, but rather two
different ways in which we are connected with others—either as
people or as objects. Reflect on what this suggests: that that there
is no way to be disconnected from others, just different versions of
connection. What observations do you have about this?

Discussion
On page 82, Yusuf says, “We have been suggesting that the
foundational problem in our homes, our workplaces, and our
battlefields is that our hearts are too often at war—that is, we too
often insist on seeing people as objects. And we have seen how one
warring heart invites more ‘object seeing’ and war in others. It follows
from this,” he continued, “that in order to find peace, we must first
understand how we and others have foregone peace and chosen
war.” To this, Lou retorts, “Sometimes we don’t choose war. War
chooses us.” Discuss Yusuf’s response to Lou’s objection. How did he
agree and disagree with Lou’s point? What do you think both about
Lou’s point and Yusuf’s response?

STUDY GUIDE 11
CHAPTER 10

Choosing War

Reflection
From an example in your own life, construct your own Choice
Diagram following Yusuf’s example found on page 92. Begin by
writing a recent sense of helpfulness you’ve had toward another
that you didn’t follow through on. Then fill out the four quadrants of
the box in your case.

Discussion
If group members are willing, have them pair up and discuss the
individual self-betrayal stories that they diagrammed. Then discuss:
What similarities do we find in our stories and situations? How are
these situations similar and different from the Yusuf’s story about
Mordecai?

STUDY GUIDE 12
CHAPTER 11

A Need for War

Reflection
Revisit your Choice Diagram from the previous chapter. Ask yourself: When
I had the sense to help another, was I seeing him or her as a person or
an object? Then ask the same question about how you were seeing that
person after you betrayed yourself. Compare how you were thinking and
feeling about that person before you betrayed yourself compared to after
you betrayed yourself.

Discussion
Thinking about the discussion on pages 94-96 of the book, what do we need
after we betray ourselves that we don’t need before? And why is it that we
acquire this new need after we betray ourselves? Discuss Yusuf’s contention
on page 98 that “as painful as it is to receive contempt from another, it is
more debilitating by far to be filled with contempt for another.” What point is
he making, and do you agree? Why or why not?

Finally, consider what Yusuf said on page 107: “Although nothing I can do
in the present can take away the mistreatments of the past, the way I carry
myself in the present determines how I carry forward the memories of those
mistreatments. When I see others as objects, I dwell on the injustices I have
suffered in order to justify myself, keeping my mistreatments and suffering
alive within me. When I see others as people, on the other hand, I then free
myself from the need for justification. I therefore free myself from the need
to focus unduly on the worst that has been done to me. I am free to leave
the worst behind me, and to see not only the bad but the mixed and good in
others as well.”

Think about any ways you feel you have been mistreated that you continue
to focus on. How has that focus perhaps been holding you back?

STUDY GUIDE 13
CHAPTER 12

Germs of Warfare

Reflection
Yusuf, Lou, and Elizabeth identified themselves in the “better-than”
and “I-deserve” boxes. Do you identify with any of the views or
feelings associated with these boxes? Explore the ways that these
carry boxes might be adding to the conflicts in your life right now.
In what ways might they be causing you to separate yourself from
others? (The Going Deeper section from pages 235 through 238 in
the Appendix may help you in your reflections about this.)

Discussion
Have everyone think of a time when they think they were in a better-
than box. Ask for someone to share his or her example. Discuss.
Then do the same regarding the I-deserve box. Discuss the sorts of
situations in which we find ourselves in these kinds of boxes.

Might an organization I am a part of have such a box? If so, what does

it look like and what does it cost?

Discuss Yusuf’s statement on page 114 that, “The more sure I am that
I’m right, the more likely I will actually be mistaken. My need to be
right makes it more likely that I will be wrong!” Why is this the case,
and what might this reality be costing me and us?

STUDY GUIDE 14
CHAPTER 13

More Germ Warfare

Reflection
Avi and Carol identified themselves in the “need-to-be-seen-as”
and “worse-than” boxes. Do you identify with any of the views or
feelings associated with these boxes? Of the four kinds of boxes
discussed in this and the prior chapter, what would you say is your
most common box style? Lou is haunted by Yusuf’s question, “How
would it be to live with someone who thought of you like that?”
As you ponder your own carry boxes, consider those in your life
who experience you in your carry boxes. How would it be to live
and interact with you when you are in the box? (The Going Deeper
section from pages 235 through 238 in the Appendix may help you
in your reflections about this.)

Discussion
Have everyone think of a time when they think they were in a need-
to-be-seen-as box. Ask for someone to share his or her example.
Discuss. Then do the same regarding the worse-than box. Discuss
the sorts of situations in which we find ourselves in these kinds of
boxes. Might an organization I am a part of have such a box? If so,
what does it look like and what does it cost us? Throughout the book,
Lou has been worried that seeing others as people might make
someone soft. How do these two chapters about the kinds of boxes
we carry help us to respond to his worry?

STUDY GUIDE 15
CHAPTER 14

The Path to War

Reflection
On page 140, the group is left with an invitation to “notice your
battles and ponder your wars.” Consider your own battles and
wars—at work, at home, elsewhere. Do you view them differently
than you did prior to reading to this point of The Anatomy of Peace?
Why or why not? What seems different to you now?

Discussion
On page 130, Yusuf says, “No one, whatever their actions, can
deprive me of the ability to choose my own way of being. Difficult
people are nevertheless people, and it always remains in my power
to see them that way.” Do you think this is true? Why or why not?
Is this an exhausting or an empowering thought? Why? (On this latter
point, you might consider the exchange between Carol and Lou on
pages 127 through 130.) Discuss as a group.

STUDY GUIDE 16
CHAPTER 15

Apologies

Reflection
As we recognize ways our hearts have been at war, we may feel
prompted to apologize to those we have mistreated. Take five to ten
minutes to ponder people in your life that you feel you may need to
offer an apology. Act on those impressions as soon as possible.

Discussion
On their drive to Camp Moriah, Lou and Carol apologize to one
another for the ways they have seen one another in their marriage.
Lou tells Carol that she is beating herself up again, to which Carol
replies, “No Lou, beating myself up is what I have quietly been doing
for years now. I’m not beating myself up now, I’m just finally noticing
the internal fight.” What is the difference? Why is this important?

STUDY GUIDE 17
CHAPTER 16

A Gift in Wartime

Reflection
In describing the loss of his father during the Yom Kippur War, Avi
notes on page 151 two different types of weapons—both the mortar
bomb that killed his father and the verbal bullets that he shot at
his friend, Hamish. While you may or may not have personally
experienced the violence of war, in what ways have you discharged
“verbal bullets” at another group or individual with whom you were
in the box?

Discussion
On page 152, Avi shares that years after the Yom Kippur War, he
came to the realization that “whenever I dehumanize another,
I necessarily dehumanize all that is human—including myself.”
What do you think he means by this?

STUDY GUIDE 18
CHAPTER 17

Marching Bootless

Reflection
In describing the experience of following Jenny shoeless through
Phoenix, Mei Li says, “Joining the youth in their hardships helps
them because it helps us not to invite their hearts to go to war.” Why
do you think this is the case? Thinking about this example, are there
ways in which you might be inviting others’ hearts to go to war?

Discussion
Review the story of Mike and Mei Li taking off their shoes (the story
and discussion spans pages 154 and 161). Thinking of whatever
context is most applicable to the group—whether a work context or
a home context, for example—discuss the kinds of perks, privileges,
and distinctions that might invite and reinforce people in their boxes.
What might “taking off our shoes” mean in these contexts?

STUDY GUIDE 19
CHAPTER 18

Surrender

Reflection
As this chapter opens, Lou is feeling weighed down by the enormity
of the problems he is facing and perhaps helping to cause. Are you
facing any issues like that—issues that have you weighed down and
despairing? If so, how does this chapter help you? By the end of
the chapter, we learn of how Avi ended up sending his estranged
friend, Hamish, a letter. In thinking about that story, are there any
letters or notes you feel like you need to send to anyone, or any
other actions you feel you need to take?

Discussion
On page 167, Yusuf draws an important distinction between making
others change and inviting them to change. Discuss that difference.
In this chapter, Avi describes suddenly seeing things differently that
he had before—how he began to see Yusuf differently, for example,
and Hamish, and Americans, Jews, Arabs, his family, and even
himself. How can we explain this change in Avi—in how he felt, saw,
regarded, and remembered?

STUDY GUIDE 20
CHAPTER 19

Locating the Peace Within

Reflection
Think of a current conflict in your life. Ask, “How might I have
horribilized, blamed, claimed victimhood, exaggerated values,
or focused on myself in this conflict?” Write your thoughts down
on paper.

Discussion
Review the first three steps of the getting-out-of-the-box process
that are discussed in this chapter. Regarding the first, consider
together the symptoms of the box that we have learned from the
book—including blaming, exaggeration of values, defensiveness,
justification, victimization, horribilizing, self-focus, obsession with
being right, and any others that come to mind. Make a list as a
group. Discuss why it might be helpful to be on the lookout for
these symptoms within us. Then discuss how we can find out-of-
the-box space.

Thinking of Avi and Yusuf’s story, discuss why it is helpful to find

such space when we are struggling in the box. And then discuss
the kinds of questions we can ask ourselves to help us ponder our
situations anew. (You might find additional help by consulting pages
239 through 244 of the Appendix.)

STUDY GUIDE 21
CHAPTER 20

Finding Outward Peace

Reflection
On page 190, Yusuf lists a number of questions on the board.
Answer these questions for yourself, thinking of an individual with
whom you struggle to see as a person.

Discussion
As a group, discuss Yusuf’s experience with Ben Arrig, related on
pages 187 through 189. How do you respond to Ben’s comments
now that you have read the book to this point? Compare your
current response to how you think you would have responded to
his comments before you had read the ideas in the book. In what
ways has your understanding shifted? If members of the group are
comfortable, invite them to share with one another their learning
from the Reflection exercise.

STUDY GUIDE 22
CHAPTER 21

Action

Reflection
Ponder what senses you may be having towards others in your
life. Decide when and how you will act on those senses, keeping in
mind that the sooner you act, the more likely you are to stay out of
the box and be successful.

Discussion
“Action” was Ben Arrig’s favorite word. Discuss why this was the
case, and what action has to do with maintaining a heart at peace.
As a group, review and discuss the getting-out-of-the-box process
outlined on page 201. After this discussion, have each of the
members of the group identify (to themselves) someone in their
life with whom they need to take action. Invite them to think of
something specific they feel they should do regarding, with, or for
this person.

STUDY GUIDE 23
CHAPTER 21

Action

Reflection
Ponder what senses you may be having towards others in your
life. Decide when and how you will act on those senses, keeping in
mind that the sooner you act, the more likely you are to stay out of
the box and be successful.

Discussion
“Action” was Ben Arrig’s favorite word. Discuss why this was the
case, and what action has to do with maintaining a heart at peace.
As a group, review and discuss the getting-out-of-the-box process
outlined on page 201. After this discussion, have each of the
members of the group identify (to themselves) someone in their
life with whom they need to take action. Invite them to think of
something specific they feel they should do regarding, with, or for
this person.

STUDY GUIDE 24
CHAPTER 22

A Strategy of Peace

Reflection
Think of someone in your life you wish would change in some
way. This could be someone in your workplace, someone at home,
or someone from some other context. Identify the levels of the
Influence Pyramid where you probably need to be spending more
time and effort.

Discussion
Review together the Influence Pyramid on page 218.

Discuss examples of out-of-the-box thinking and

behavior at each level of the pyramid. Why
are the lower levels of the pyramid ways to
help things go right? Discuss where on the
pyramid we often end up getting stuck in
our efforts with people. Discuss things
we could do more of, or differently, at
the lower levels of the pyramid to get
better at helping things go right.

STUDY GUIDE 25
CHAPTER 23

Lessons

Reflection
Consider the lessons for applying the pyramid that are detailed
in this chapter. What do they invite you to think about and do in
relation to the person you identified (in your reflections about
Chapter 22)? What would change? What do you need to do next?

Discussion
Discuss what difference it would make if we were to conscientiously
apply the pyramid and live its lessons in our interactions with
others. What would be different? What would be the same? Lesson
3 states that our effectiveness at each level of the pyramid depends
on our way of being. Why is way of being so crucial to our success
or failure? Discuss as a group.

STUDY GUIDE 26
CHAPTER 24

Peace on Mount Moriah

Reflection
What sticks with you as you think back on your reading and
pondering of the book? What things do you take away as things you
want to do differently in your work life? Your home life? With others?
What do you want to change about yourself? How will the book
help you with those changes? What additional help might you need
or want?

Discussion
Use this opportunity to think together about all that you have
discussed. This chapter takes these ideas even to the summit of
Mount Moriah, which is at the center of so much conflict in the
world. Consider: how can these ideas be applied in our workplaces?
How can they be applied in our homes? How can they be applied in
our politics and on the world stage? What would be different in all of
these contexts if we were to apply these ideas? What can we each
do in our own spheres?

STUDY GUIDE 27