Your Path to REACH

Forgiveness
Become a More Forgiving Person in Less Than Two Hours

Self-Directed Learning
Exercises to Build Forgiveness

Everett L. Worthington, Jr., PhD

Virginia Commonwealth University
 Recommended Uses:

1. Use this workbook to forgive a hurt that you have been struggling with.

2. Try out this brief version of REACH Forgiveness to see if you like it
before doing the 6-hour version.

3. Once you’ve worked through the full version, this short version is also
perfect for hurts and offenses incurred later.

Note: This workbook is designed to be used as a Word document in which

you type your responses OR as a printed workbook in which you write your
responses. If you are typing your responses, please follow the instructions
as given (typing and using bold font). But if you are completing this
workbook by hand, please write your responses in a way that is easy to
read, and where applicable, circle the responses instead of making them
bold. For the sake of space, we are unable to include both sets of
instructions for every prompt.

For other resources for REACH Forgiveness, see

www.Ev-Worthington-forgiveness.com
 3
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 1
What You Are About to Experience

Introduction to the REACH Forgiveness Workbook: What It’s All About

In less than two hours, you will work through practical exercises with the goal of
becoming more forgiving. No one has to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice.

This workbook has 12 ten-minute experiences, and it takes about two hours to
complete. The experiences build on those that came before. Please don’t skip
exercises. A single exercise does not take very long, so you can work these into
your busy life. By completing these exercises, you and others can help make the
world a better place.

Forgiveness can be quick and dramatic. It can reverse the direction you have
been traveling. But it is more likely to change your direction. This change might
be small, but it will be important. This change will take you to a different place
than you might now be headed. Whether it is a transformation or a gradual
change, forgiveness takes you on a journey to a better place.

Importantly, forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean pretending
that the hurt never happened. Forgiveness is just replacing ill-will towards the
offender with good-will. As you will see below, forgiveness also does not mean
giving up justice. Forgiving simply means desiring the ultimate good of the
offender, and this can be done without excusing the wrongful action and while
still pursuing a just outcome. Forgiveness can be an important, powerful, and
freeing experience. Let’s get started on your forgiveness journey.
 4
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Exercise 1.1
Rate Your Usual Use of Forgiveness
Consider your experiences of forgiveness across all the people you’ve met and all
the hurts you have experienced. If you feel you are perfectly forgiving in almost
all situations with almost everyone you know, give yourself a score of 10
(completely forgiving). But if you feel that you almost always get angry, hurt,
resentful, or bitter when someone is unfair to you or hurts your feelings, give
yourself a zero. Give a fair rating of your life right now: How forgiving are you
as a person, from 0 (not at all) to 10 (completely)?

Enter that value here: 8

Exercise 1.2
Choose a Specific Hurt You Want to Work to Forgive
A second type of forgiveness is about how you react to a specific hurt. Some
people think, “I’ve been hurt so badly that I can never forgive.” Not true. You can
forgive serious hurts even though they are hard to forgive. You learn to be a more
forgiving person by forgiving one hurt at a time. So pick a hurt you don’t feel like
you can forgive right now. Imagine yourself back when you were hurt. You can
probably remember that pain. Things might have happened since that day. Some
things might have made the hurt feel worse. Maybe the person did not apologize
or admit to hurting you. Or maybe the person has hurt you again since then. THIS
is the hurt you’ll work on through this workbook. It could be the first step in
becoming a more forgiving person. Write a few sentences about the hurt to
make sure you’ve committed yourself to working on forgiving this one
particular hurt.

Type your description below:

He is my bestfriend who led me to believe that he loved me. I loved him too. Yet when
i confessed he denied his feelings and said “It is not like I can force myself to love
you”. I had to stay his bestfriend. I felt led on, used. For we did have certain intimate
moments which happened because I believed we were both in love. Years later, he
admitted to having me led on but he also claimed he did have feelings for me but due
to promises made to his family, he could not be in a relationship. So that hurt me even
 5
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

more because I wish he would have been honest with me since the start. And I may
still have feelings for him deep within, but apparently, he no longer does. So yeah, that
hurts.

You will work on this particular hurt through these 12 exercises. Your goal is to
forgive it completely by the end. You might find that, if it is a big hurt, you’ll not
completely forgive it. But you’ll be well on your way. (And you might just surprise
yourself!) You can repeat this workbook until you have completely forgiven that
hurt. Trying to forgive is like medication you might take for a disease that causes
a fever. The first dose might bring down the fever, but the fever might return. You
might have to take several doses before the disease is gone. Near the end of these
lessons, you will think of other hurts and practice forgiving them. That will help
you become a more forgiving person by the end of the lessons.

Exercise 1.3
Rate Your Decision to Forgive at This Moment
Unforgiveness is when you do not want to forgive. Forgiving the hurt will involve
two separate experiences. One is to make a decision about how you want to
treat the person in the future. A complete decision to forgive is when you
decide not to pay back a hurt for a hurt, but you plan to treat the person as
someone you appreciate. Let’s call that a 10 on the scale of decisional
forgiveness. But if you plan to get even, never speak to the person again, or hurt
the person even worse than they hurt you, that’s no decisional forgiveness. Let’s
call that 0. Think how far along you are in making a decision to forgive the hurt.
Rate yourself from 0 (none) to 10 (complete decision to forgive).

Enter your rating here: 9

Exercise 1.4
Rate Your Emotional Forgiveness at This Moment
Even if you have made a perfectly sincere decision to forgive, you can still feel
resentment, bitterness, anger, and fear of being hurt again. You may even hate
 6
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

the person for hurting you. There is a second type of forgiveness: emotional
forgiveness. Emotional forgiveness is replacing negative unforgiving emotions
with more positive emotions toward the wrongdoer. Let’s rate your emotional
forgiveness. If you feel severe emotional unforgiveness—and no emotional
forgiveness—give yourself a 0. If you feel no negative emotion toward the person
at all, give yourself a 10.

When rating yourself, consider your relationship with the person who hurt you. If
the wrongdoer is someone you will never see again, you can achieve full
emotional forgiveness by getting rid of your negative emotions, such as hate or
bitterness, toward the person. But if the wrongdoer is someone you want to keep
interacting with—like a romantic partner, child, parent, or close friend—full
emotional will require more than getting rid of the negative. You must also feel
positive emotions, such as love, toward the person.

Because you have chosen this as a severe hurt to work on, your rating might be
low right now. But your emotional forgiveness will increase as you complete the
12 exercises.

Enter your rating here: 6

Exercise 1.5
Quiz Yourself
At the end of each lesson, you will read a summary and take a short quiz to make
sure you are moving through the forgiveness experiences carefully. In this lesson,
you’ve already learned a lot. You’ve learned that

● There are two types of forgiveness: your general practice of forgiveness and
the forgiveness of a particular hurt.

● There are two types of ways to forgive a hurt. The first is to make a
decision to forgive. The second is to experience emotional forgiveness.
Type in those two words. Did you remember them?
 7
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 2
Why Forgive?

This lesson might take you a little bit longer than 10 minutes because it is vitally
important. You will consider why you want to forgive the person who hurt you.

Exercise 2.1
Experiencing Forgiveness in Literature
Quote 1: Sometimes it helps to think about what others have to say about
forgiving. The American poet Maya Angelou wrote this:
History, despite its wrenching pain,
Cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage
Need not be lived again.

If you had to choose a single word that stuck out to you in this quote,
what would it be?

Type it here: courage

Read it again and answer the questions below.

Is the quote meaningful to you? Type Yes or No below:

No
Why or why not? Type your reasons below:
Because even if history does not repeat, it may rhyme. In other words, I don’t
particularly believe I can unlive the pain regardless of how much courage I hold in me.
Scars remain even if wounds heal.

Quote 2: Here is a quote from Malachy McCourt (actor, writer, and politician):
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Does this capture a truth for you?

 8
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Can you rephrase this quote below?

Not forgiving, hurts you more than it hurts them.

One way to rephrase it by saying that “holding on to unforgiveness doesn’t hurt

the person who injured you, but it is bad for you.” It turns out that many scientific
studies support this idea.

Exercise 2.2
Identifying the Benefits of Forgiving
People often see unforgiveness and revenge as legitimate alternatives to
forgiveness. Why carry around a grudge that makes you feel angry, physically ill,
and spiritually off-kilter? Or that harms important relationships? There are many
scientifically supported benefits of forgiving, both as a decision and as an
emotional experience. List as many benefits of choosing to forgive as you
can. Include benefits to physical health, mental health, relationships, and any
other aspect of life (like spirituality). You’ll benefit the most if you try to come up
with as many as you can before you move on to Exercise 2.3.

Benefits for Physical Health:

Stronger immune system, No headaches or chest pains, more energetic

Benefits for Mental Health

No anxiety or depression, calmer state of mind

Benefits for Relationships:

no strained relations, easier, fulfilling,

Benefits for Spirituality:

deeper connection with God
 9
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Exercise 2.3
Benefits of Forgiving (Found by Science)
Here are just a few benefits that have been scientifically established. Read these.

1. Holding grudges is stressful. It increases your stress hormone (cortisol) in

your body. It also increases your blood pressure, your heart rate, and the
likelihood of damage to your heart. It can also cause digestive problems,
weaken your immune system, interfere with your sex drive, and damage
your memory. (How many did you think of ahead of time?)

2. Holding grudges makes people feel depressed, worried about being hurt
again, angry, and generally more negative. People often obsess about the
negative event and its damage to themselves, keeping themselves upset
emotionally. All of those negative emotions also affect your physical body.

3. Holding grudges keeps people from wanting to reconcile their relationship.

They stay angry, cut off the other person emotionally, and feel bitter.
Instead of repairing the relationship and getting close support from that
person, they put their physical health at risk again.

4. For some, holding grudges goes against what they think they should be
doing religiously. It almost always makes the person feel less peaceful and
less connected to people or whatever they hold to be sacred.

If you had to pick one benefit, which most motivates you to forgive?
Type your answer below:
Relationship

Exercise 2.4
Why Forgive? A Reflection on Something You Once Forgave
Forgiveness is good for your health. Holding on to unforgiveness is really bad for
your health. These findings are supported by scientific evidence. In these
exercises, you will apply these findings to your life.
 10
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

When you forgive someone, you try to treat the person better. And as a result, you
feel more positive towards them. Virtually everyone has made many of these
difficult forgiveness decisions. Type a few sentences about the hardest thing
you successfully forgave. This is a crucial thing to reflect on and write about.
(Please don’t skip this.)

Type below:
I’m assuming I am meant to talk about a different incident here and in that case, I
wish to speak about the time I forgave someone for revealing certain secrets I had
shared with him with a family member even though I had specifically told him not to.
Yet later, I did think of how he only had good intentions so eventually I let it go.

Exercise 2.5
Forgiveness Is Good For You
What were the benefits to you? Using the really hurtful event you successfully
forgave (see Exercise 2.4), respond to each prompt below with the degree to
which you felt better. Use these ratings: 0=no better (or even worse);
1=somewhat better; 2=much better

Prompt Type 0, 1, or 2
After forgiving, I felt better physically. 2
After forgiving, I felt less negative and more positive 2
psychologically or emotionally.
After forgiving, my relationship got better. 2
After forgiving, I felt spiritually more connected. 2

Science has shown that forgiving, when practiced over time, makes people
physically healthier, more psychologically adjusted, happier in relationships, and
more spiritually calm. But it takes time and effort.
 11
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Exercise 2.6
Deciding to Forgive and Experiencing Emotional Forgiveness Are Linked
Forgiveness is tied to making a decision to forgive those who harm us. When we
make that decision, we try to act less negatively toward people who hurt us.
Instead, we try to treat them as people that we value. But feeling emotional
forgiveness—reducing your feelings of resentment, anger, hurt, and bitterness—
might take longer than deciding to forgive. Although we might sincerely decide to
forgive and keep trying to treat the person better, we might not feel full emotional
forgiveness. Decisional and emotional forgiveness sometimes happen together,
but they are different processes. They can occur at different times. Either can
occur first. In fact, some people can experience one and never experience the
other. Check your own understanding. Answer the following question.

How are emotional and decisional forgiveness different? Type your answer below:
Decisional forgiveness would mean you choose to cut them some slack, you do not
want revenge, you do not wish the worst for them. But emotionally, you may still be
hurt about what happened and thats where emotional forgiveness comes into play.

Exercise 2.7
Deciding to Forgive and Experiencing Emotional Forgiveness Have Different Effects

Read and Think about These:

Decisions to forgive have the most benefits as a stepping stone to (1)

forgiving emotionally, (2) healing your relationship with the person you wish to
reconcile with, and (3) reaching a higher sense of spirituality—one as forgiver
rather than grudge-holder.

Emotional forgiveness has had books written about the many ways it
promotes better physical health—for your heart, immune system,
gastrointestinal system, brain functioning, and lower stress. Also, much
research suggests that it reduces the likelihood of depression, anxiety, anger-
 12
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

related disorders, obsessive–compulsive disorders, post-traumatic stress

disorders, and psychologically related physical disorders.

Earlier (Exercise 2.6), you were asked to write how you thought decisions to
forgive and emotional forgiveness were related to each other. Scientists have
shown repeatedly that they are. But they have different effects on health,
psychology, relationships, and spirit. Both are important.

Exercise 2.8
Quiz Yourself
In this lesson, you’ve learned a lot that will help you forgive. You’ve learned that

● You have forgiven things—sometimes HUGE things—in the past, so you

have proven to yourself that YOU can forgive.

● There are two types of forgiveness: your decision to forgive and emotional
forgiveness. They are related but not identical. They have different benefits.

● To check your understanding, let’s review.

● Most health benefits happen in your cardiovascular systems (heart and

blood) and immune systems.

● Psychological benefits happen because you worry or obsess about things

less often.

● Relationship benefits happen because you make a decision to treat the

wrongdoer—the person who hurt you—differently.
 13
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 3
Making a Decision to Forgive

Sometimes, decisions to forgive are conscious and deliberate. Other times, we

slide into decisions—even important ones. People often slide into deeper
commitments in their romantic relationships by gradually taking small steps that
turn out to be important. This lesson gives you the chance to make a deliberate
decision to forgive. If you have slid part way into a decision to forgive, you can
state your commitment to it.

Lesson 2 taught you that not forgiving can damage your health, relationships, and
personal peace in many ways. You read about the scientific evidence for forgiving.
You also know that holding a grudge against a person who doesn’t care or doesn’t
even know you exist is a waste of effort—not to mention bad for your well-being.

So you might be thinking about the harm you experienced and think, Yes, I’ve
already moved partway down the path of forgiveness. Or you might be
thinking, I’d like to commit myself to forgiving. If you find yourself walking on
the road to forgiveness or getting ready to walk down the road, this lesson will
help you make that decision more firm.

Exercise 3.1
Injustice Gaps
Rank these wrongs from easiest to forgive (rank 1) to hardest to forgive (rank 4).

Rank from 1-4:

Person A hurt you deeply and yet repeatedly says, “I didn’t do 4
anything wrong.”
Person B didn’t really hurt you that badly. 1
Person C hurt you deeply but cried and apologized sincerely. 3
Person D hurt you deeply but apologized and did some nice 2
things to make up for the hurt.
 14
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Most people will rank these wrongs in this order: A = 4 (hardest to forgive); B = 1
(easiest); C = 3; D = 2. This reflects the amount of injustice you still feel. The
difference between the offense and how the offense has been repaired or
smoothed over is the “injustice gap” that remains. When the wrongdoer
apologizes and does something to make up for the harm, the person removed
some of the injustice. The bigger the injustice gap, the harder it will be to reach
full forgiveness.

Exercise 3.2
You Don’t Have to Forgive (It’s a Decision)
People don’t have to forgive. They can reduce their injustice gap in many ways.
For each of the ways below, pick whether you think this is a good or bad way to
reduce the injustice gap.

Good or bad? Pick one

and type it below:
See justice done. bad
Excuse the person’s hurtful behavior because he or she did not good
mean to hurt you.
Let God exact justice. good
Don’t let your emotions trigger your actions. good
Justify the person’s behavior because you have hurt them too. good
Accept and move on with your life. good
Get even. bad

You don’t necessarily have to forgive for the injustice gap to be reduced. But for
some offenses the injustice gap may not go away. Even if it doesn’t, you still have
the power to forgive.

Exercise 3.3
Release the Burden of Unforgiveness: Make a Decision to Forgive
While you do not have to forgive, you can make the decision to do so. Clasp your
hands and extend your arms as far away from your body as you can. Imagine that
 15
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

the burden of hurt and unforgiveness is in your hands. You may not be ready to
let go of this yet, so hold it for 30 more seconds. As your arms grow tired, think of
all the other things you could be doing with your hands (and with your life) if you
could just let go and start doing something else. Remember that holding this
burden hurts you, not your wrongdoer. But letting go helps you both.

Although you may not be ready to let go completely, open your hands and let your
arms fall back to their normal position. Remember the relief you feel, and
embrace it when you are ready to decide to forgive.

Now that you know the benefits of forgiving, would you like to make a real
decision to forgive? This means making a decision to let go of the need to get
even. Instead, you decide to treat the wrongdoer as a valued (though flawed)
person. (Even if the person is no longer in your life, you can decide that you are
willing to treat the person that way if you were to see them again.)

In Lesson 1 (Exercise 1.3), you gave your decisional forgiveness a rating. If you
decided that you didn’t hope to pay the person back for hurting you but you
intend to treat the person as someone you value, that was full decisional
forgiveness (10). But if you planned to get even, cut the person off and never
speak to them again, or hurt them even worse than the person hurt you, that was
zero decisional forgiveness. You have probably changed that rating by now.
Reflect for a minute on how far along you are right now toward making a decision
to forgive the hurt. Hopefully, you have moved closer to a decision to treat the
person as valued than you were in Lesson 1. Give yourself a new rating from 0
(no decisional forgiveness) to 10 (complete decision to forgive).

Enter your rating here: 10

 16
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Exercise 3.4
Decisional Forgiveness PLUS Emotional Forgiveness—Both Are Needed
Do you feel that you have made a sincere decision to forgive this wrongdoing?
Have you at least moved in that direction? You will have another chance to
consider your progress after going through lessons on emotional forgiveness.

Making a decision to forgive is far different than experiencing emotional

forgiveness. Otherwise, all we would have to do is make that decision and it
would result in perfect peace. But that almost never happens.

You need to decide to forgive, but that’s not enough to transform your emotions.
For emotional forgiveness, you need to work through five steps to REACH
Forgiveness. The remainder of the workbook shows you how to move through
those steps. Let’s begin to work through these five steps to REACH Forgiveness.

Exercise 3.5
Examine Yourself
In Lesson 2, you learned that deciding to forgive mostly improves relationships
and spirituality and emotional forgiveness mostly improves physical and mental
health. Which of these benefits most motivates you to forgive?

Write them below:

relationship

Exercise 3.6
Practical Suggestions for Practicing Forgiveness
To become a more forgiving person, you must do more than complete this
workbook. You must also practice forgiveness every chance you get. To help
yourself, you will want to create daily reminders that trigger forgiveness instead
 17
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

of resentment, bitterness, or anger when someone harms you. Here are some
suggestions that you might find helpful. You could write out any one or more of
the following reminders to yourself.
1. I know that [AG] often causes me to feel bitter, resentful, or angry. So when
I think about seeing the person, I will calm down right away. I will find
peace in my forgiveness. I will take long, slow breaths, breathing out anger
and breathing in a sense of well-being. Also, when I meet the person, I will
avoid thoughts that make me bitter, resentful, or angry.

2. When I go away from this workbook—between lessons—I know how hard it

is to return to a task once I have started something else. I have great
intentions. But it is still hard to go back to the workbook, even though I
know that completing all 12 lessons will help me be more forgiving. So I’ll
pick a specific time to return and finish it. I’ll add it to my calendar now,
BEFORE completing the workbook. I’ll put reminders of the specific time to
return and do the next lesson in my living space.

3. When I catch myself thinking angry, bitter, or resentful thoughts, I’ll calm
myself. More importantly, I’ll review the lesson in the workbook that
teaches me how to calm down and empathize with my wrongdoer.

4. If a person hurts or offends me, I want to take care of it quickly. I will

immediately put a time in my calendar when I will work on trying to forgive
that new event before it gets ahold of my emotions.

5. I will work on processing my feelings and understanding their

better.

Write the numbers for each situation you have committed to doing.
Type the numbers in the boxes below:

I have committed to… 1 2 3 4 and 5

Exercise 3.7
Quiz Yourself
In this lesson, you’ve learned a lot that will help you forgive. You’ve learned that
 18
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

● You can make a decision to forgive. Do you think any harm is too large to
forgive?

Type in yes or no here: no

● Both a decision to forgive and emotional forgiveness are important. Do you

think either one is easier to do than the other?

Type in yes or no here: yes

● Why?

Write your answer below:

It is easier to make the decision to forgive. But like I said, even if the wound heals, scars
remain. So emotional forgiveness is always the tricky part.

Scientists and counselors generally believe that both decisional and emotional
forgiveness are important. It’s helpful to do both. You make a decision to treat the
wrongdoer more positively—because you are a human of value. You also take the
time and effort to replace unforgiving emotions with positive emotions—because
you value other humans.
 19
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 4
R = Recall the Hurt (and the Beginning of Empathy)
Exercise 4.1
Change Your Mindset
When some people are deeply hurt, they think that forgiveness is impossible.
Maybe the person who hurt you has died or moved away, so they cannot do
anything to earn forgiveness. They are right. Most people will never deserve our
forgiveness. Many hurts just can’t be made up for.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t forgive, even if the person does not deserve
forgiveness. Building forgiveness is similar to strengthening a muscle. You must
strain the muscle to strengthen it. Like exercising even though you are tired,
deciding to forgive also means committing to something you are not comfortable
doing. In fact, you might feel really strained. That’s one reason you practice
forgiving in a lot of situations. The more you do it, the stronger your “forgiveness
muscle” gets.

There are two types of mindsets. Some mindsets are fixed. Others lead to growth.
Fixed mindsets may seem good. It might seem true that you simply cannot forgive
a person. But fixed mindsets keep you in the same place in life. Growth mindsets
are riskier. They assume you can change and grow. But when you have a growth
mindset, the future is not fixed.

Recall that making a decision to forgive is most strongly related to relationship

benefits. For many people, it can also have spiritual benefits. Decisions can have
physical and psychological benefits, but usually less noticeable. You are about to
start practicing the five steps to REACH emotional forgiveness for the person who
hurt you. Emotional forgiveness is more closely connected to physical and
psychological benefits. Each letter of REACH stands for one part of the process:
Recall the Hurt; Empathize with the One Who Hurt You; Give an Altruistic Gift of
 20
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Forgiveness; Commit to the Forgiveness You Experienced; Hold on to Forgiveness

When You Doubt. (In some languages, these letters might not make a word like
they do in English.) These next five lessons will walk you through each step of the
process. We begin here with Recall the Hurt.

Exercise 4.2
Importance of Being a Forgiver
A family, community, or workplace demonstrates forgiveness when it puts aside
misunderstandings and deliberate hurts and still accomplishes its goals. Even a
single forgiving person can change a group. How important is it for you to be a
forgiving member of your family, workplace, church, community, and country?
Type a few sentences about which group or groups you would most like to
influence and why.

Type below:
My family matters a lot to me and so does my friend groups. To some extent, on a broader
scale, the mallu community as well. So with all that they have done for me and how much
they’ve supported me, surely it is these groups that I deem fit to answer this question.

Exercise 4.3
Describing the Hurt Differently
At the beginning of this workbook (Exercise 1.2), you wrote your story of the hurt
you want to decide to forgive and experience emotional forgiveness toward the
person who hurt you. We aren’t going to get anywhere if we keep telling the same
story repeatedly. We need another, more objective (yet still true) story. So recall
the event again, but this time as an observer—not as yourself. Get more distance
on the story.

1. Write the story again, but this time without emphasizing how bad the wrongdoer is or
how much you have been victimized.
Okay so what happened was two teenagers still figuring out their paths, not knowing what
love is, trying to figure out on the way. 1 fell deeper than the other and therefore got hurt
 21
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

along the way. 1 admits the mistake made and did apologize.
2. What are at least three differences between the first (Exercise 1.2) and second versions
of your story? (Look back if you wish.)
- more objective, less personal
- outside point of view
- not that deep

Exercise 4.4
Giving the Hurt Away
To remind you of what you are prepared to do, let’s do this again. You will get the
most out of this exercise if you use your body even though you did this earlier.
Stand. As you did in a previous lesson (Exercise 3.3), imagine that you are holding
the hurt in your hands. Hold your arms out and think about this image as what
you are doing with the hurt. You are trying to contain it inside your hands and
keep it at arm’s length from you. After about a minute of holding out your arms
and standing, your arms will feel tired and heavy. Can you see how this is like
holding on to grudges?

Now, once you have done this, imagine yourself releasing the hurt. In the safety
and privacy of where you are right now, think I decide to forgive my wrongdoer.
It’s like changing from a website that makes you feel stressed to one that makes
you feel free and restful. Just one click. To symbolize this—regardless of whether
you want to emotionally forgive at this moment—open your hands and let your
arms fall suddenly to your sides imagining that your decision to forgive drags
along a release of negative emotions toward the wrongdoer. (You may choose to
do this exercise while holding a physical object that represents the hurt.)

You might want to make a real decision to forgive the person right now if you
have not done so. If you do, it does not necessarily mean that you feel much
differently toward the person. The next sections will have a greater effect on your
feelings. In these upcoming sections, you will work through emotional
forgiveness. Don’t forget your decision to forgive. When you practice decisional
 22
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

forgiveness, you recall the hurt. Then you make a decision to act more positively
toward the person. You agree to stop holding a grudge and to try treating the
person as a valuable person. You can repeat this later after you try to change your
feelings about the person. If you have not been able to make a decision to forgive
right now, you might find it easier later.
 23
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

E = Empathize with the One Who Hurt You

Exercise 4.5
We Do Things for Reasons
Write a few sentences about a time you hurt someone. Before, during, and after
you hurt the person, what did you feel, think, see, and do?

I felt really bad when I upset my mom with my term 1 marks of 12th. I had
not put in all my efforts and she was counting on me to score well. I did
apologize and work so hard to score really well in term 2.

Think about this: We all do things for reasons we think are good at the time.
These might not seem like good reasons to the people who might have been hurt,
though. We have all experienced hurting others even with the best intentions, so
we can understand that the person who hurt us might have believed his or her
reasons were good. It might be difficult, but can you try to imagine that your
wrongdoer might not have meant to harm you?

Exercise 4.6
Trying to Understand Why the Person Hurt You
Think about the hurt you are trying to forgive. Write about what you think the
wrongdoer was experiencing. It’s tempting to think of wrongdoers as evil and
unkind—and sometimes they are. But often, in our own hearts, we can see that we
might have provoked the person, that the person might have meant well, or that
the person might have been under pressure that made his or her acts easier to
understand.

● Can you see any of those things working in your relationship with the
wrongdoer?

● Did you provoke the person at all?

 24
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

● Might the person have meant well?

● Might the person have been under a lot of pressure?

Examine Yourself: In this lesson, you have tried to get a different look at what
happened when the person hurt you. This different perspective does not excuse
the other person for hurting you. It just helps you understand him or her better.
This is a crucial step to emotionally forgiving the person. This is for your personal
reflection. Were you able to get any more positive perspective about the
person who harmed you?

Respond below by typing “Yes, quite a lot,” “Yes, some,” “Yes, a little,” or “Not yet.”
Yes, some

Exercise 4.7
Quiz Yourself
In this lesson, you’ve learned things that will help you forgive. You’ve learned that

● You can give the hurt away. It’s as simple as opening your hands and letting
go of a tightly held grudge.

● A decision to forgive will feel immediately like relief.

● But you might still experience many times of resentment, bitterness,

hostility, hatred, anger, and anxiety. You can get rid of those feelings, but
they are slower to go away. They tend to hide and resurface at different
times, and they can be surprisingly strong. The process of replacing those
negative emotions is called Emotional Forgiveness.

● That requires time and effort.

 25
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 5
E = Empathize with the One Who Hurt You (continued)

In this lesson, you’ll continue trying to understand the person who hurt you and
even empathize more with that person.

This is one of the most important exercises you will do in building forgiveness. In
fact, studies show that most people who do this simple, 10-minute exercise will
increase their ability to forgive the other person.

Exercise 5.1
Role Play
Write a hypothetical conversation between you and the person who wronged you.
What do you say? What does the transgressor say?

Example:
Me: You really hurt my feelings when you lost your temper and
started insulting me. You didn’t even seem sorry.

Wrongdoer: I didn’t realize it still bothered you. That makes me feel bad.

Me: I wish you had shown a little more remorse. I felt hurt for days. I
still get upset when I think about it.

Wrongdoer: I’m so sorry for causing you pain. I was thinking of my own
frustrations. It was more about me being upset with myself than
about you.

Me: Then why didn’t you say so?

Wrongdoer: I really don’t have any excuse. I should have said something.
Even though I didn’t say anything at the time, I still think you are
my friend, and I hope you can forgive me someday.
 26
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Now it’s your turn. Try to have at least three meaningful exchanges between
you and the wrongdoer. It does not matter whether or not the conversation will
happen in real life. Of course, it still helps to be as accurate as you can be. The
important part is to understand the other person’s point of view.

Type your dialogue below:

Me: You really shouldn't have said that. It honestly hurt me
Him: I am honestly so sorry. I don't even remember saying that
Me: And you should have also been honest about your feelings
Him: I was scared to be honest. And I did not want to lose you

Did you consider the person’s history? The pressures on that person? The reasons
that person acted as he or she did? Write below some other things you did not
consider that you think might help you understand the wrongdoer more:

Type below:
His fear

Now—and this is important—place an empty chair across from you, and read your
dialogue aloud. Sit in one chair for your lines, and then sit in the other chair for
the other person’s lines. You will be moving back and forth every few seconds.
This exercise will be more effective if you continue this imagined
conversation for five to ten minutes. (Research supports that if you do this
seriously, it can be the single most effective thing you can do to forgive the
wrongdoer emotionally.)

Do you have any new insights now that you are putting yourself in the
other person’s place? What are they?
 27
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Type below:
He is too scared to admit feelings.

What have you realized about the person’s motives and feelings? Do you
better understand their feelings and reasoning?
Type below:
Yeah. He is scared.

Answer the following five questions:

1. Are there any reasons to feel sorry for the person who offended you?
kind of

2. Does he or she need forgiveness?

i guess so

3. From himself or herself?

yeah

4. From you?
yeah

5. Do you feel any sorrow on behalf of the person?

I think so

Feeling empathy, sympathy, compassion, or love for the person who hurt you
reduces your negative feelings of unforgiveness.
 28
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Exercise 5.2
Compassion

Maybe you can’t feel empathy. Maybe you think that the person really is evil,
stupid, and unkind for hurting you. Instead of trying to empathize, can you
recognize that the person needs your compassion for doing such a horrible thing
to you?

Compassion is realizing that a person needs help, though the person might not
really desire, seek, or be willing to accept help. But, you can do an unselfish act
by imagining a compassionate response that the person does not deserve.

How much compassion do you feel for the person who hurt you? [Indicate your
current feelings by marking the correct amount in bold font]
1. None

2. A little

3. A moderate amount

4. A lot

What could you do to feel more compassion toward that person?

Type your answer below:
communicate

Exercise 5.3
Taking It into Your Daily Life

List the next two or three times that you expect to see the person who harmed or
offended you:

1. vacation
 29
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

2. on call
3.

Imagine yourself in each instance. Imagine feeling more empathic each time. Can
you use that mental picture to think more empathically about the person?

Exercise 5.4
Other Emotions
Can you think of two other emotions (besides empathy and compassion) that
might replace some of your negative feelings? List them.

1. feeling less love for him

2. nothing else i can think of

Exercise 5.5
How Much Forgiveness Is Enough?
How much of the negative emotion would you need to replace with positive
emotion to reach “full forgiveness”?

For a stranger who hurt you (for example, a thief who stole your money
and identity papers), would you need to [Indicate one of the following by
bold font]
1. Eliminate most of the negative emotion

2. Eliminate all of the negative emotion

3. Eliminate all of the negative emotion and feel positive emotion toward the
person

For a person who hurt you and whom you are no longer in a relationship
with, would you need to [Indicate one by bold font]
1. Eliminate most of the negative emotion

2. Eliminate all of the negative emotion

 30
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

3. Eliminate all of the negative emotion and feel positive emotion toward the
person

For a loved one you see every day who hurt you, would you need to
[Indicate one by bold font]
1. Eliminate most of the negative emotion

2. Eliminate all of the negative emotion

3. Eliminate all of the negative emotion and feel positive emotion

toward the person

Exercise 5.6
Quiz Yourself
In this lesson, you’ve learned more ideas that will help you to forgive. You’ve
learned that two emotions can replace the negative emotions of resentment,
bitterness, anger, and hate. These two emotions are Empathy and Compassion.
 31
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 6
A = Give an Altruistic Gift of Forgiveness
Exercise 6.1
How Might Forgiveness Be Useful to You?
If you were an exceptionally forgiving person, how might that benefit you?

Write at least one way below:

Your mind stays at peace

Research shows that when a person forgives because forgiveness makes the
person healthier, more positive, more reconciled to the wrongdoer, and more
spiritually at peace, that person benefits. BUT when a person forgives unselfishly
—or altruistically—to benefit the wrongdoer, he or she enjoys even greater
benefits.

Exercise 6.2
When Did You Do Something Altruistic (Unselfish) for Someone Else?
Write about a time when you did something altruistic or unselfish to benefit
another person. Describe what you did and how you felt about doing it.

Type what you did:

I did someone’s assignment for them with nothing in return because they had way too
much on their plate

Type what you felt:

gratefull and nice
 32
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Exercise 6.3
We Are All Capable of Wrongdoing
Yehiel Dinur was a Holocaust survivor who was a witness during the trial of the
infamous Nazi war criminal, Adolf Eichmann. Dinur entered the courtroom and
stared at the man behind the bulletproof glass—the man who had presided over
the slaughter of millions. The court was hushed as a victim confronted a butcher
of his people. Suddenly Dinur began to sob and collapsed to the floor. But not out
of anger or bitterness. As he explained later in an interview, what struck him was
a terrifying realization. “I was afraid about myself,” Dinur said. “I saw that I am
capable to do this… Exactly like he.” In a moment of chilling clarity, Dinur saw
the skull beneath the skin. “Eichmann,” he concluded, “is in all of us.”

Answer these two questions:

1. What is the point of this story? Do you agree with it? Why or why not?
we’re all alike to a certain extent. yes

2. Did Yehiel Dinur think that he was similar to Adolf Eichmann before his realization? Type
yes or no below:
no

Exercise 6.4
When Did You Need Forgiving?
Recalling a Time When You Needed Forgiveness. Think back to a time when you
hurt someone or did something wrong, needed forgiveness, and were granted
forgiveness. This could be an incident from your childhood, secondary school, job,
or university, or something that happened in your family or a relationship
(romantic or non-romantic). What matters is that you did something wrong and
felt badly about it—and you were forgiven.
 33
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Write a description of the event below:

I needed my mom’s forgiveness in the incident I mentioned earlier

Now, write a few notes in response to the following questions.

1. What did it feel like to be in trouble, to lose respect from others or yourself, and to need
forgiveness? (Did you feel this, even though no one was “making” you feel guilty?)
It was not the best feeling. Yes

2. What did it feel like (or would have felt like) when you asked for forgiveness from the
person you hurt and you received it? Were you humbled?
nice. yes

Exercise 6.5
Getting in Touch with the Gratitude We Feel for Our Forgiveness
Focus for a moment on how good it felt to receive forgiveness and the feeling of
freedom you received when the burden of guilt was lifted from you. When you can
recall this state of gratitude or thankfulness, do the next exercise.

Exercise: If you were writing a letter of gratitude for being forgiven, what would
you say?

Write a few notes below:

Thank you so much for understanding where i came from. I know it must have been hard for
you to reach this stage but regardless, I am glad you did and I wish to try to not make this
happen again.
 34
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Exercise 6.6
The Gift of Forgiving
Imagine the person who hurt you in the scenario you have chosen for this
workbook. If that person were in trouble, would you help? Write about the things
you would be willing to do for that person.

Write below:
Honestly, I still do whatever it is that he asks me to. I’m a helper by nature.

Exercise 6.7
A Crucial Question
Think about how you felt when you were forgiven and about how good it feels to
simply do an altruistic act that a person does not deserve. Wouldn’t you like to
forgive (emotionally) the person who hurt you?

What percent of the negative feelings toward the person have you replaced since
Exercise 1.4?

Fill in the blank box below:

I have forgiven the person who hurt or offended me…
100 percent of the negative feelings that I held at the start of this workbook.

When you started this workbook, you rated your emotional forgiveness. Now that
you have thought about emotional forgiveness and its benefits and doing unselfish
things that a person does not deserve, please rate your emotional forgiveness at
this point.

Experiencing emotional forgiveness is defined as the degree to which you actually

feel that your emotions toward the person who offended or harmed you have
 35
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

become less negative and more positive. If 0 = no forgiveness experienced and

10 = complete forgiveness experienced, describe from 0 to 10 how much
emotional forgiveness you’ve experienced since your first rating.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Remember, emotional forgiveness is strongly related to better physical and

mental health. This improved health can come before or after a decision to
forgive. If you are experiencing emotional forgiveness but have not decided to
forgive, do you want to decide that now? Decisional forgiveness is related to
better relationships and spiritual well-being. It sets you on the road to better
physical and mental health.

Exercise 6.8
Quiz Yourself
In this lesson, you’ve learned a lot that will help you forgive. You’ve learned that

● When you emotionally forgive, you give an altruistic gift—that is, you give a
gift that is not deserved.

● When you wronged someone, you received a gift of altruistic forgiveness

from that person at least one time. And it felt great—making you feel free,
light, unburdened.

● You felt Gratitude.

● You can do something nice for the person who offended you (even though
that person might not be in touch with you, might never find out, and might
not even feel the gratitude that you felt when someone forgave you). Still,
this is about you doing something nice, noble, and generous. It’s not about
whether the other person ever appreciates it. Why should your good
feelings depend on the other person’s reaction?
 36
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

● As a result of this workbook, you might have decided that you wanted to
give a gift of forgiveness to the wrongdoer. It’s a magical gift that you give
away, and it gives you just as much blessing as the wrongdoer.
 37
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 7
C = Commit to the Forgiveness You Experienced
Exercise 7.1
Commit By Writing
Write about how much you emotionally forgave and how that feels.

Type below:
I think I’ve almost nearly let go of it. I understand he was scared. So i understand his
choices and actions. But i do believe the scar and wound theory. So scars still remain. Its
just that i understand why they exist now. So that makes me feel better and lets me
emotionally forgive him more

Exercise 7.2
Completing a Certificate of Emotional Forgiveness
Complete the following:

CERTIFICATE OF EMOTIONAL FORGIVENESS

I DECLARE TO MYSELF THAT AS OF THE DATE [13th July], 2024], I

HAVE DECIDED TO FORGIVE [AG ] FOR [ hurting me and leading
me on and hiding things from me ]. TO DATE, I HAVE
FORGIVEN [_100_] PERCENT OF THE EMOTIONAL UNFORGIVENESS.

SIGNED [ abhirami ]

Exercise 7.3
What if Emotional Forgiveness Isn’t Complete?

● If you have experienced less than 100 percent emotional forgiveness, you
might want to repeat the steps again.

● You might complete Lessons 5 and 6 again, but this time try to sympathize
with the wrongdoer. Then try to experience an unselfish type of love for that
 38
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

person. Those two emotions can replace unforgiveness, just like empathy
and compassion can.

● If you and the wrongdoer have a history of mutually hurtful acts—perhaps

some big acts or many small acts—you do not need to recall every hurt to
effectively forgive the wrongdoer for hurting you. You can forgive the
hurtfulness by taking three steps.

1. Pick two or three of the most hurtful acts. They will symbolize all the
hurts the person did to you.

2. Work through each of the two or three acts until each one is forgiven.

3. At some point, you will decide that you have forgiven enough acts, and
you have therefore forgiven the person.

Exercise 7.4
Hand Washing

● On your hand, write a brief description of the hurt, or even just the word
“HURT.”

● Now go to the bathroom and wash it off.

● Were you able to get all of the ink off?

Lesson: We can move through the REACH Forgiveness steps once. Although it
probably won’t totally erase our bad feelings, it will lighten them. Through
repeated washings, we become free of the negative, unforgiving feelings.

H = Hold on to Forgiveness When You Doubt

Exercise 7.5
Review of Major Concepts
Test your memory: What are the five steps to REACH forgiveness?
R = recall the hurt
 39
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

E= empathize
A= altruistic gift
C= commit
H= hold on

What are our working definitions of: Type definition below:

Granting decisional forgiveness to chose to forgive and not hurt or hold
bad will
Experiencing emotional forgiveness to mentally and emotionally come in to
terms with the pain

If you do not remember, go back and check Exercises 1.3 and 1.4.

Exercise 7.6
You Can Control Your Emotions
You have a choice about your emotions. You can hold on to your unforgiving
emotions, or if you have replaced those with love or empathy or sympathy or
compassion, you can now hold on to your emotional forgiveness. You can do this
even in the face of powerful events that demand that you give up that emotional
forgiveness. Psychologist Fred Luskin suggests that experiencing negative
emotions is like watching a television channel that makes you feel depressed,
angry, afraid, or bitter. But importantly, you can change emotion channels.
Choose a more positive emotion channel.

What negative emotional channels do you often watch?

greys anatomy

What positive emotional channels do you want to watch more of?

suits

Is there something stopping you from changing emotion channels? What is it?
sometimes its comforting to know there are people who go through the same as you and
can relate
 40
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Can you commit to change channels and seek more positive experiences?
yes

Imagine yourself switching off negative, unforgiving emotions.

okay

Exercise 7.7
Quiz Yourself
In this lesson, you learned things that will help you forgive. You’ve learned that

● Writing about your experiences can make them better.

● Filling out a certificate of forgiveness stating the amount of forgiveness you

have experienced will solidify it and help you recall that you truly have
experienced emotional forgiveness whenever you doubt, and doubt is
inevitable in things like feelings and emotions.

● You learned several things you can do if your emotional forgiveness is not
complete:

o Repeat Lessons #_5_ and #_6_. (If you can’t remember, refer to
Exercise 7.3.)

o Use two other emotions to replace the unforgiving emotions:

Sympathize and Love_.

● You learned that you do not have to forgive every little hurt for you to
forgive the person. Two or three vivid offenses that are worked through
usually are enough to help you feel that you’ve forgiven the person.
 41
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 8
H = Hold on to Forgiveness When You Doubt
Exercise 8.1
Things That Might Make You Doubt Whether You Really Emotionally Forgave
You’ve worked hard and experienced either complete or partial emotional
forgiveness. But maybe you doubt that you actually have forgiven. Can you think
of times when you had similar doubts?

Type in yes or no here: yes

One conclusion: There are hot reminders—seeing the person unexpectedly,

experiencing a similar hurt from someone else, or getting hurt by the same
person again. There are also cold reminders—other times when we worry about
the past.

Exercise 8.2
Hold on to Forgiveness When You Are in the Midst of a “Reminder” Experience
List several things you could do to avoid becoming bitter or hateful again during a
cold reminder situation. How do you get your mind going in a new direction?

Type below:
breathe, take a walk, press your hand

Make a list of times when you might expect to experience a hot reminder situation
in the future. Think of exactly how you might deal with each hot reminder.

Write about three situations and how you will deal with them below:

1. confronting feelings again, breathe

2. fight, breathe +press hand

 42
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

3. false words, walk

Exercise 8.3
Important Example
Remembering past harms is how we protect ourselves from doing something
dangerous again. If I burn my hand on a stove, I feel fear when my hand gets near
the stove again. That isn’t “unforgiveness” against the stove eye; it is just my
body’s way of protecting me—saying, “You got hurt here before. Be careful or
you’ll get hurt again.” And if you keep touching a hot stove, you’ll keep getting
burned. You have to change your actions and the way you think about the hurt to
keep it from happening again. So, remember: The pain, anger, and fear that
arise from a memory or an encounter with the person who hurt us are
NOT unforgiveness. When you see the person who hurt you and feel the
negative feelings again, remind yourself: The pain, anger, and fear I’m feeling are
not unforgiveness. It’s just my body’s way of protecting me so I won’t make the
same mistakes I made last time.

Exercise 8.4
Control Your Worry
Try controlling your thoughts. Have you heard of the “white bear phenomenon”?
Spend twenty seconds trying NOT to think about white bears.
What worked and what didn’t?
kept thinking

Usually, people find that directly commanding themselves, “Don’t think about white
bears,” just makes them think about white bears more. What can you apply from this
exercise when you start thinking about the time when the person hurt you?
sometimes consciously thinking about it can worsen it
 43
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Exercise 8.5
Summary of Ways to Hold on to Forgiveness
Ways to Hold on to Forgiveness During a Reminder Experience
1. Get out of the situation.

2. Distract yourself.

Ways to Hold on to Forgiveness if You Start to Worry or Obsess about It

1. Realize that the pain of a remembered hurt is not unforgiveness.

2. Don’t dwell on negative emotions.

3. Remind yourself that you have forgiven the person.

4. Seek reassurance from a partner or friend.

5. Use the documents that you created.

6. Look at the five-step model to REACH Forgiveness, and think

through the steps again.

Which of these ways do you intend to try more often in the future? Indicate by
bold font, or use a pen to circle, which of the above methods appeal to you
the most and that you have the best chance of using.

Exercise 8.6
What Demonstrates You Got It?
Psychologists agree that you need repetition to solidify learning. Not just
mindless repetition, but repetition where you think about the concepts you are
trying to remember. Do you want to prove to yourself that you really understand
how to emotionally forgive? Do these simple but helpful things.
1. Tell someone who is important to you (a spouse, close friend, family
member) the difference between decisional and emotional forgiveness. Also,
name and explain each of the five steps to REACH Forgiveness.

2. Tell five other people what you told to this important person. Psychologists
say that one of the best ways to grasp a concept is to teach others. Can you
 44
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

commit to teach five other people the difference between decisional and
emotional forgiveness and the five steps to REACH Forgiveness?

Exercise 8.7
Quiz Yourself
In this lesson, you’ve learned a lot that will help you hold on to the forgiveness
you have experienced. You’ve learned that you will probably doubt whether the
forgiveness you’ve experienced is “real.” If you see the person who offended you,
or obsess about the past event, you will almost certainly feel angry. It’s easy to
interpret this anger as proof that your forgiveness is not true forgiveness. But you
SHOULD feel angry if you see someone who has hurt you. The anger is how your
body warns you: “Be careful. You got hurt before, and you could get hurt again.”

If you feel you’ve mostly forgiven the person who hurt you, and you feel angry
when you see that person, what will you think to yourself? Type a sentence or two
that you can use to convince yourself that you have truly forgiven and that you
feel angry for another reason.

Type sentences below:

I do understand his actions but I guess i will not be getting intimate with him any more
because I felt used once and I am not going down that path again.
 45
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 9
Dedicate Yourself to Being a More Forgiving Person:
12 Steps in 15 to 20 minutes, Part 1

This lesson and the next are crucial for taking your forgiveness beyond the single
person you’ve been trying to forgive. These lessons will help you become a more
forgiving person. Complete these 12 steps on paper or computer (if you have it).

Exercise 9.1
Step 1: Why Forgive?
Why do you want to be a more forgiving person?

List as many reasons as you can below:

to have peace in mind

Exercise 9.2
Step 2: Find Five Not-Completely Forgiven Hurts
Identify the five greatest wounds that cause you ongoing negative feelings toward
another person. Briefly describe each of these wounds. For example, “My father
abandoned our family when I was young.” You can recall some if you think about
times when (a) your parents disappointed you, (b) your teachers criticized you, (c)
your friends or romantic partners betrayed you, (d) your coworkers disappointed
you, or (f) someone physically injured you or a loved one.

Describe your wounds:

1. roommate dumped her work pile on me

2. mom lied

3. sister said harsh words

 46
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

3. sister’s ex made me feel uncomfortable

4. situation with an ex

By deciding to forgive and applying REACH Forgiveness to each wound, you’ll

become a more forgiving person.

Exercise 9.3
Step 3: Forgive One Wound at a Time
By forgiving multiple wounds one at a time, you become a more forgiving person.
Pick one of the hurts you described in Step 2. Write a brief description for using
REACH to forgive each.

R = Recall the hurt. Write a summary.

I was already having a busy day. And my roommate just gave me a shit ton of work to do
for her and even though i said i was busy, she still made me do it.
E = Empathize. From a sympathetic point of view, describe why the person did what he
or she did—from that person’s point of view.
she was also having a busy day and had deadlines to meet

A = Altruistic gift. Thinking empathically about the wrongdoer, can you explain why you
might want to unselfishly let go of negative emotions; could you bless this person?
yeah its okay. i get why she did what she did

C = Commit to any forgiveness you experienced. Write a sentence about your success in
trying to forgive. If you made a decision to forgive and treat the person better, write
when you plan to do it.
i forgive her for what she did. i plan to let her know soon

H = Hold on to forgiveness. Write how hard you think it would be to make this a lasting
forgiveness.
Not that hard
 47
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Can you now make a decision to forgive that person and treat the person as a
valued person?

Exercise 9.4
Step 4: Identify Your Forgiveness Heroes
Identify three people you think of as forgiveness heroes—people who have
forgiven much and whom you admire. Forgiveness heroes can be people you know
or have heard about.

1. Describe someone in your life who you consider to be very forgiving. What makes
them forgiving? How do you feel about this person?
My mom. So much has been done to her yet she rarely holds grudges

2. Describe a historical person who you consider to be very forgiving. What makes
that person forgiving?
Princess Diana. I think it is self explanatory

3. Someone from the present whom you don’t know personally.

a teacher

Exercise 9.5
Step 5: Examine Yourself
Send yourself an e-mail or text message expressing your sincere desire to be a
more forgiving person.
Exercise 9.6
Quiz Yourself
This is the middle of a 20-minute writing exercise to become more forgiving.
Don’t quiz yourself now. Instead, you will quiz yourself at the end of the next
lesson, when the 12 steps are complete.
 48
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 10
Dedicate Yourself to Being a More Forgiving Person:
12 Steps in 15 to 20 minutes, Part 2

Exercise 10.1
Step 6: Try to Become More Forgiving
Write ways you would like to develop a forgiving and warm character. Identify
concrete steps you can take to develop this character.

Type below:
stay calm. understand chaos. be more understanding. empathize. show compassion.
forgive.

Exercise 10.2
Step 7: Change Your Experience with the Past
You can’t change the past, but you can change the way talk about it. Pick out one
of the five events that you identified in step 2, and write about how you will talk
differently about the event from now on.

Type below:
i understand their actions.

Exercise 10.3
Step 8: Plan Your Strategy for Becoming More Forgiving
Think of the person who hurt you. Write how you will better forgive the
wrongdoer from now on.

Type below:
i will not bring it up in conversations, seeking more clarity or closure
 49
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Will you dedicate yourself to providing forgiveness to offenders in the future? If

so, write a simple sentence stating that intention.

Type below:
we forgive.

Write something else that you intend to do to become a more forgiving person.

Type below:
breathe.

Exercise 10.4
Step 9: Practice Forgiving Under Imagined Conditions
From your list of five events (Step 2), pick one of the people who hurt you.
Imagine you are in a room with that person. What happens?

Type below:
i stay with my roommate. we live normally.

Exercise 10.5
Step 10: Practicing Forgiveness Day to Day
From your list of five events (see Step 2), choose the one person whom you have
the most negative feeling toward. List their strengths as a person.
 50
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Type below:
my mom
like i said, she is amazing and really loving.

Exercise 10.6
Step 11: Consult Someone You Trust
Do you seek social support when someone has wronged you and you are feeling
hurt, or do you try to handle it alone? Is there anyone you trust whom you could
talk to about your sincere desire to be more forgiving?

Write that person’s, or persons’, name(s) below:

Siddharth, eliza, tabi, stacy, kaitlyne

Why do you talk to that person? What kind of response do they usually give you?
(Can you give others the same thing that person gives to you?) a shouder to lean
on and yes

Exercise 10.7
Step 12: Start a Campaign to Feel Warmth toward Your “Enemies”
Write out actions you could take (both privately and publicly) to show how you’ve
changed your feelings toward those who have harmed you. Write out specific
things you could do to show the warmth of your emotions toward one of the
people you listed in Step 2.

Type below:
let them know ive accepted and let go
 51
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

This completes the 12-step two-lesson exercises to help you become a more
forgiving person.

Exercise 10.8
Freeing Yourself from the Burden of Unforgiveness
Let’s go back for just a minute. A few times you have considered the decision to
completely forgive the person who hurt you. You not only have seen the benefits
of forgiving, but you also experienced real emotional change as you contemplated
how the person who hurt you thought and felt. You have more empathy for the
person than when you started, and you have seen that emotional forgiveness can
improve your own character. And you have thought more about how to become an
excellent forgiver.

A final chance to make a decision to completely forgive the person you’ve

worked hard to forgive. With all that in mind, clasp your hands and extend your
arms as far away from your body as possible. Imagine that the burden of hurt and
unforgiveness is in your hands. Hold this burden for about thirty seconds. As your
arms grow tired, think of all of the other things you could be doing with your
hands (and with your life) if you could just let go of any remaining unforgiveness
and start doing something else. Remember that holding this burden hurts you, not
the wrongdoer. But letting go helps you both. If you feel like you are ready to let
go and make the true decision to forgive, open your hands and let your arms fall
back to their normal position. Feel the relief of that burden lifting. Know that you
can get back to your life now that you have forgiven.
Exercise 10.9
What Now?
You might be using this workbook as a stand-alone guide. Or you might be using
it to try out the REACH Forgiveness ideas before doing a longer six-hour version
of the workbook (www.EvWorthington-forgiveness.com). Or you might have done
the six-hour version and are using this shorter version for new hurts since then.
 52
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Now, make a decision about whether you need to spend more time either
forgiving the hurt you’ve been working on, or seeking to become a more forgiving
person. Know this: the depth of your forgiveness depends on how much time you
spend trying sincerely to forgive people. To help you decide if you want to invest
more time trying to forgive, do the following exercises examining your experience
with the workbook and how your forgiveness scores have changed.

Exercise 10.10
Quiz Yourself
In this lesson, you worked to experience forgiveness for one hurt. From Lessons 1
to 8, you forgave this hurt to some extent. In Lessons 9 and 10, you tried to
become an even more forgiving person. Here’s the key: Now that you have
forgiven one hurt, you can apply the REACH Forgiveness method to other hurts.
This will help you realize that you are practicing forgiveness, and you’ve become
a more forgiving person.

Think back through this workbook. Type in the most important thing you have
learned in all of the lessons so far.

Type below:
Emotional forgiveness was the most important take away
 53
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 11
Processing the Whole Workbook Experience
Lessons You Can Remember
In the next four short exercises, you will take away four lessons—from a pencil, a
mirror, a bodybuilder, and a scientist.

Exercise 11.1
Learn the Lessons of a Pencil
Imagine a pencil with an eraser. Learn the lessons the pencil has for your life.

● It has a short life, but it can make a significant mark, just like you.

● It is not a pen. Its mistakes can be corrected with effort. But it often means
standing the pencil on its head. Our world tells you that should seek power
to succeed. Instead, seek love. Instead of revenge, seek to forgive. That is
where the real power is!

● Like you, what is inside the pencil, not outside, is responsible for making a
mark.

● The pencil needs to be sharpened regularly, so don’t feel bad about the
sharpening you must endure. Often, the hurts and wounds that feel painful
can be your “sharpening.”

Exercise 11.2
Learn the Lessons of a Mirror
Look at yourself in the mirror, then walk away. Return to the mirror a second
time. You have looked at two faces. The first face was a person who has both been
hurt and hurt others. The second is the face of a person who has struggled
against the burden of unforgiveness, revenge motives, and grudges. It is the face
of a person who has defeated unforgiveness. It is the face of a hero of forgiveness.
 54
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

We are obviously the owner of both faces. Live like the hero of forgiveness that
you are!

Exercise 11.3
Learn the Lessons of a Bodybuilder
Look in that same mirror and flex your arm muscle. Becoming a more forgiving
person is like becoming a stronger person. Building muscles won’t just happen.
You must work and spend time, just as you did in this workbook. And like strength
training, forgiveness training has many other benefits beyond making you
stronger.

Exercise 11.4
Learn the Lessons of a Scientist
Over 3000 scientific articles or scholarly chapters have studied forgiveness. What
have scientists found? Learn their lessons.

● Anything can be forgiven. Big injustices just require more time and effort.

● You can forgive anything when you commit to it.

● Forgiveness usually takes time and effort trying to forgive something

specific.

● Forgiving makes you more peaceful, psychologically adjusted, and

physically healthy.

● Forgiving helps you build better relationships.

● Forgiving helps your spiritual life.

 55
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 11.5
Evaluate Your Learning about Forgiveness
Rate how greatly you experienced each of the following statements on a scale of 1
to 5. Use a color to highlight, or circle with a pen, the rating for each item.
1 = Not at all
2 = A Little
3 = Moderate
4 = A Lot
5 = Tremendous Amount

I learned that deciding to forgive 1 2 3 4 5

doesn’t always mean I have forgiven
emotionally.
I came to see the wrongdoer as more 1 2 3 4 5
“human,” flawed, and needy than I did
before.
I understand the wrongdoer better 1 2 3 4 5
now.
I don’t see myself as so perfect as I 1 2 3 4 5
did. I am capable of hurting other
people.
I learned the five steps and can tell 1 2 3 4 5
you what each is (5=correctly naming
all five):
R=
E=
A=
C=
H=
If I start to worry about an old hurt, I 1 2 3 4 5
have at least two things I could do to
snap myself out of it and hold on to
forgiveness.
I have committed to being a more 1 2 3 4 5
forgiving person because of the
workbook.
I have learned how I can be a more 1 2 3 4 5
forgiving person.
 56
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Exercise 11.6
Quiz Yourself
In this lesson, you are starting to make the learning you’ve accumulated “stick.”
Test yourself: Suppose you had to give a talk to a class of 13- to 15-year old
students. Can you explain the following?

● The benefits of forgiving

● What an injustice gap is and how an apology from the wrongdoer makes the
gap smaller and forgiveness likelier

● What decisional forgiveness is

● What emotional forgiveness is

● What the five steps to emotional forgiveness are

● An illustration from your life of how you used REACH Forgiveness to forgive
something

● An illustration from someone else’s life that inspires people to forgive

 57
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 12
Evaluating Just How Far You’ve Come
At the beginning of these 12 lessons, you evaluated yourself. Let’s take another
look.

Lesson 12.1
Rate (Again) Your Usual Use of Forgiveness
You first rated your usual use of forgiveness (Exercise 1.1) from 0 (not at all) to
10 (completely). How would you rate your overall ability to forgive now?

Enter a number 0 to 10 here: 10

Lesson 12.2
Consider (Again) the Hurt You Worked on
You then chose a specific hurt to work on throughout the workbook (Exercise
1.2). You have spent about two hours working to forgive that hurt. You have also
learned a lot about forgiveness in general.

Lesson 12.3
Rate (Again) Your Decision to Forgive the Hurt
You then rated your decisional forgiveness from 0 to 10 (Exercise 1.3), complete
decision to forgive. How would you rate your decision to forgive now?

Enter a number 0 to 10 here: 10

Lesson 12.4
Rate (Again) Your Emotional Forgiveness
You also rated your emotional forgiveness from 0 (no emotional forgiveness) to 10
(complete emotional forgiveness) (Exercise 1.4). How would you rate your
emotional forgiveness now?

Enter a number 0 to 10 here: 10

 58
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 12.5
Rate (Again) What You Learned
We hope you have learned a lot about forgiveness. We also hope that you have
applied forgiveness effectively to the hurt you chose to work on, as well as to the
other hurts in your life on your path to becoming a more forgiving person.

While spending just a couple of hours on forgiving, you made a lot of progress.
What’s more, you now have an easy tool to use when you begin to feel angry,
bitter, or resentful toward someone—a partner, a child, a workmate, a friend, or
even someone you don’t like. You can come back to this workbook and apply it to
new hurts.

Lesson 12.6
How Long Did You Spend?
About how long, in hours and minutes, would you estimate that you spent on this
workbook from start to finish?

Hours
2 and 00 Minutes

Lesson 12.7
Feedback
What feedback would you like to give the writer of this workbook?

Type below:
This was helpful. Thanks.

What is the likelihood you’ll use this workbook again? (from 0% to 100%)

Enter percent likelihood here: 0

 59
Become a More Forgiving Person: Learning Workbook

Lesson 12.8
Conclusion
Thank you for participating in this workbook to promote forgiveness of a
particular hurt and to become a more forgiving person. In the time you spent
working on forgiveness, we hope you achieved your goals. But you will face new
challenges throughout your life—new things to forgive. If you experience a new
hurt, you can work through this workbook again. If you are not satisfied with your
progress forgiving the particular hurt you focused on, you can repeat all or some
of the exercises. We hope that you can now live a more forgiving life, and
experience the rewards for yourself and the people you love.