Charts and table essay 24

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of

employment in two separate genders in
Australia, Switzerland, Ireland, the UK,
New Zealand, and the USA in 1995 and
2005. As reflected on the y-axis, the unit is
measured with the intervals of ten percent.
Overall, the male percentage of employment
was higher than the female one in both
years, yet there are more gender balances by
the second report.
In more detail, Switzerland and the UK had
the shortest gap in the sexual percentage of
employments, with particularly male
workers occupying nearly 65% in
Switzerland, slightly higher than the female
(58%). 55% of the UK’s workforce
population was men, larger than women by
3%. Conversely, in other countries, the
proportion of men having job often
outstripped that of women, 55% for male
and below 30% for female in Australia, 60%
for male and under half of them for female.
Ten years later, the balance between male
and female workers was improved. The
employment rates of two genders in
Switzerland, the UK, and the USA
practically had gap of ten percent.
Regarding to Ireland, the male rate increased
to over 80% of total employment, while the
female one was as large as two-thirds of the
male in 2005, considerably better than
nearly a half in 1995. Similarly, New
Zealander women rate grew to over half of
the men’s proportion (70%) over ten years,
higher than nearly 30% and 60%
respectively in 1995.
Introduction:
Original: "The bar chart illustrates the proportion of employment in two separate genders in
Australia, Switzerland, Ireland, the UK, New Zealand, and the USA in 1995 and 2005. As
reflected on the y-axis, the unit is measured with the intervals of ten percent."
Review:
 "Two separate genders" can be simplified to "males and females" for clarity.
 "As reflected on the y-axis" sounds redundant and a bit awkward. You could simply state
that the y-axis shows the data in intervals.
Suggested version: "The bar chart illustrates the employment rates of males and females in
Australia, Switzerland, Ireland, the UK, New Zealand, and the USA in 1995 and 2005, with the
y-axis showing percentages in intervals of ten percent."

Overview:
Original: "Overall, the male percentage of employment was higher than the female one in both
years, yet there are more gender balances by the second report."
Review:
 The phrase "the male percentage of employment" could be shortened to "male
employment rates."
 "There are more gender balances" is a bit unclear. "The gender gap had narrowed" might
be a better way to describe this change.
Suggested version: "Overall, male employment rates were higher than female ones in both
years, although the gender gap had narrowed by 2005."

Detailed analysis - Part 1:

Original: "In more detail, Switzerland and the UK had the shortest gap in the sexual percentage
of employments, with particularly male workers occupying nearly 65% in Switzerland, slightly
higher than the female (58%). 55% of the UK’s workforce population was men, larger than
women by 3%. Conversely, in other countries, the proportion of men having job often
outstripped that of women, 55% for male and below 30% for female in Australia, 60% for male
and under half of them for female."
Review:
 "Sexual percentage of employments" is an awkward phrase. It should be "gender gap in
employment rates."
 "Particularly male workers occupying" should be simplified to "male employment was
nearly."
 The second sentence would benefit from clearer structuring: break it down into smaller
sentences to avoid confusion.
 The third sentence mixes two ideas (comparison between men and women, and country-
specific data) that should be separated for clarity.
Suggested version: "In more detail, Switzerland and the UK had the smallest gender gap in
employment rates. In Switzerland, male employment was nearly 65%, only slightly higher than
the female rate of 58%. In the UK, 55% of the workforce was male, just 3% more than the
female proportion. On the other hand, the employment gap in other countries was more
significant. In Australia, 55% of the workforce was male, while fewer than 30% were female.
Similarly, in New Zealand, 60% of the workforce was male, with women making up less than
half that figure."

Detailed analysis - Part 2:

Original: "Ten years later, the balance between male and female workers was improved. The
employment rates of two genders in Switzerland, the UK, and the USA practically had gap of ten
percent. Regarding to Ireland, the male rate increased to over 80% of total employment, while
the female one was as large as two-thirds of the male in 2005, considerably better than nearly a
half in 1995. Similarly, New Zealander women rate grew to over half of the men’s proportion
(70%) over ten years, higher than nearly 30% and 60% respectively in 1995."
Review:
 "The balance between male and female workers was improved" could be more naturally
stated as "the balance between male and female employment had improved."
 "Regarding to Ireland" should be "In Ireland."
 "The female one was as large as two-thirds of the male" is awkward. "The female rate
reached about two-thirds of the male rate" would sound smoother.
 In the last sentence, "New Zealander women rate" should be "the employment rate for
New Zealand women."
Suggested version: "By 2005, the balance between male and female employment had improved.
In Switzerland, the UK, and the USA, the gender gap narrowed to around 10%. In Ireland, the
male employment rate increased to over 80%, while the female rate rose to about two-thirds of
that, a notable improvement from 1995 when women made up nearly half the male employment
rate. Similarly, the proportion of women in the New Zealand workforce grew to over half that of
men (70%), compared to the respective 30% and 60% in 1995."

Final Thoughts: Your original writing captured the essence of the data, but it needed some
reworking for smoother phrasing and clarity. Here's a quick summary of the main improvements:
1. Conciseness: Simplified some phrases like "two separate genders" to make the writing
clearer.
2. Natural Phrasing: Improved awkward constructions such as "sexual percentage of
employments" to more standard expressions like "gender gap."
3. Clarity: Reworked sentences to make the comparisons clearer and easier to follow.
Based on your writing, I would estimate your IELTS Writing Task 1 score to be in the 6.0 to 6.5
band range. Here's a breakdown of how it aligns with the IELTS Writing Band Descriptors:
Strengths:
 Task Achievement: You address the key aspects of the task, including comparisons and
trends over time. You clearly attempt to analyze the data rather than just describe it.
 Coherence and Cohesion: Your writing is generally organized logically, with clear
attempts to group information and show contrasts.
Areas for Improvement:
 Grammar and Sentence Structure: Some sentences are quite complex or awkwardly
structured, which occasionally makes the writing hard to follow. Simpler sentences or
clearer phrasing would help make your points more accessible.
  Lexical Resource: You use some advanced vocabulary, but there are frequent awkward
or inaccurate word choices like "sexual percentage of employments" or "Regarding to
Ireland," which hinder clarity.
 Clarity and Precision: Sometimes, the exact meaning of sentences isn't entirely clear
due to phrasing (e.g., "the balance between male and female workers was improved").
Improving these areas would help you reach a higher score.
To reach a higher band (e.g., 7.0 or more), focus on:
1. Grammar Accuracy: Reduce awkward phrasing and use more precise vocabulary.
2. Clarity: Aim for more straightforward, clear sentence structures that make comparisons
easier to understand.
3. Vocabulary: Increase your range of vocabulary, but ensure the words you use fit the
context correctly.
To aim for a higher IELTS band score (7.0 and above), particularly in Writing Task 1, here are
some focused strategies and practical tips:
1. Improve Sentence Structure and Grammar Accuracy
The complexity of your sentences sometimes hinders clarity. Here's how to improve:
 Simplify complex sentences: Instead of using overly long sentences, break them into
smaller, clearer ones. This reduces the chance of grammatical mistakes and ensures the
reader follows your ideas smoothly.
Example:
 Original: "The employment rates of two genders in Switzerland, the UK, and the USA
practically had gap of ten percent."
 Improved: "In Switzerland, the UK, and the USA, the gap between male and female
employment rates was around 10%."
Practice: Try combining two simple sentences into one using connectors like "while,"
"although," "however," etc., but avoid unnecessary complexity.
 Work on tenses and agreement: Make sure subject-verb agreement is consistent and
that tenses are used appropriately. Focus on past and present tense for describing changes
over time.
Example:
 Original: "The balance between male and female workers was improved."
 Improved: "The balance between male and female workers improved."
Practice: Review grammar rules on subject-verb agreement, especially in complex sentences.
2. Expand and Refine Lexical Resource (Vocabulary)
Your vocabulary is decent, but sometimes word choices are inaccurate or awkward. To improve:
 Learn context-specific vocabulary: For Task 1, focus on terms related to describing
data, trends, and comparisons. Avoid repetitive use of words like "employment" or
"proportion" and introduce more variety like "workforce," "employment rate,"
"participation," etc.
Useful vocabulary for Task 1:
 Increase/decrease: rose, grew, surged, climbed, fell, dropped, declined.
 Stability: remained steady, stayed constant, stabilized.
 Comparisons: higher than, lower than, just above, slightly below, significantly more/less.
Example:
 Instead of saying, "The male percentage of employment was higher," you could say,
"Male employment rates exceeded female rates."
Practice: Make a list of synonyms for common words and incorporate them into your practice
essays to avoid repetition.
3. Focus on Precision and Clarity
Your writing has some unclear or awkward phrases. The goal is to ensure each sentence directly
conveys the intended meaning.
 Avoid wordy or vague phrases: For example, "Two separate genders" can be simplified
to "males and females." Precision is key in IELTS Writing.
 Use clear, logical comparisons: In Task 1, you are often comparing different data sets.
Make sure you use comparison words correctly (e.g., "compared to," "whereas," "in
contrast"). Each comparison should be easy to understand.
Example:
 Original: "55% of the UK’s workforce population was men, larger than women by 3%."
 Improved: "In the UK, 55% of the workforce was male, just 3% higher than the female
rate."
Practice: Write practice essays, focusing on making every sentence as direct and clear as
possible. Get feedback to ensure your sentences aren’t overly convoluted.
4. Strengthen Coherence and Cohesion
Your writing already has a logical structure, but improving cohesion (linking ideas) will make
your writing flow more smoothly.
 Use appropriate linking words: Words like "however," "in contrast," "similarly," and
"therefore" can make your writing more cohesive. Use them to transition between ideas
clearly.
Example:
 "On the other hand" is useful when comparing data in a different direction, and
"similarly" works well when trends are the same.
Practice: Take a paragraph and rewrite it using more linking words. For example, describe two
trends using “while” and “whereas.”
5. Practice with Timed Essays
Writing under time pressure can affect your grammar and coherence. Regularly practice writing
within the 20-minute limit to build speed without sacrificing accuracy.
 Analyze sample reports: Look at Band 7.0+ sample Task 1 reports to see how they
structure sentences, use vocabulary, and compare data.
 Get feedback: After writing, get someone to give you feedback, or use online tools to
identify grammar and structural mistakes.
6. Review High-Scoring Sample Essays
 Identify patterns: Notice how high-band essays use precise comparisons, varied
vocabulary, and structured sentences.
 Analyze task achievement: See how these essays manage to answer the task fully,
comparing data appropriately and avoiding vague or irrelevant information.
Summary of Key Tips:
 Simplify sentence structure and avoid over-complicating sentences.
 Use a variety of vocabulary but ensure it's accurate and context-appropriate.
 Improve grammar accuracy, particularly with tenses and subject-verb agreement.
 Work on making your comparisons and data descriptions clear and precise.
 Practice under timed conditions to improve speed and coherence.