MY CHILD IS A BULLY- A WAY OF LIFE OR NEEDS CHANGE?

These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder Which, as they kiss, consume William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Anger is a fundamental emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. From a very early age, people learn to express anger by copying the angry behavior they see modeled around them, and by expressing angry behavior and seeing what they can get away with. As our culture has an uneasy relationship with anger expression, many people are brought up to think that it is inappropriate to express anger directly; that it must not be tolerated; that it is always dangerous. Such people learn to distrust anger, to bottle it up and ignore it, to express it only in indirect ways or to use it as a weapon. The idea that anger is dangerous is not without merit. Angry people are capable of great violence. However, while anger can certainly be abused, it is more than a simple destructive force. Anger is also a critically important part of what might be called the self-preservation and self-defense instincts. People who are incapable of getting angry are also incapable of standing up for themselves. It is important then that people learn how to express anger appropriately. People need to learn healthy and socially respectful ways to express angry feelings, and to not to let anger get out of control to the point where it negatively affects relationships, employability and health. WHAT IF A CHILD IS VIOLENT? Why do some kids turn to be violent? The answer is simple: it solves their social problems. After all, it's easier to bully somebody than to work things out, manage your emotions, and learn to solve problems. To be violent is the proverbial easy way out, and sadly, some kids take it. Look at men who beat or intimidate their wives and scream at their kids. Theyve never learned to be effective spouses or parents. Instead, they're really bullies. And the other people in those families live in fearfear that they're going to be yelled at, called names, or hit. Nothing has to be worked out, because the bully always gets his way. The chain of command has been established by force, and the whole mindset becomes, If you'd only do what I say, there'd be peace around here. So the bully's attitude is, Give me my way or face my aggression. Aggression can either take the forms of violence or emotional abuse. We are not just talking about the adults in the family, eitherthere are countless children who throw tantrums for the same reason: theyre saying, Give me my way or face my behavior. And if you as a parent don't start dealing with those tantrums early, your child may develop larger behavior problems as they grow older. Ask yourself this question: How many passive bullies do you know? They usually control others through verbal abuse and insults and by making people feel small. They're very negative, critical people. The threat is always in the background that they're going to break something or call

somebody names or hit someone if they are disagreed with. Realize that the behavior doesn't start when someone is in their teensit usually begins when a child is five or six. PORTRAIT OF A BULLY: Bullying itself can come from a variety of sources. One source is bullying at homemaybe there are older siblings, extended family members or parents who use aggression or intimidation to get their way. Also the development of bullying can stem from some type of undiagnosed or diagnosed learning disability which inhibits the child's ability to learn both social and problemsolving skills. Make no mistake, kids use bullying primarily to replace the social skills theyre supposed to develop in grade school, middle school and high school. As children go through their developmental stages, they should be finding ways of working problems out and getting along with other people. This includes learning how to read social situations, make friends, and understand their social environment. Bullies use aggression, and some use violence and verbal abuse, to supplant those skills. So in effect, they don't have to learn problem solving, because they just threaten the other kids. They don't have to learn how to work things out because they just push their classmates or call them names. They don't have to learn how to get along with other peoplethey just control them. The way theyre solving problems is through brute force and intimidation. So by the time that child reaches ten, bullying is pretty ingrainedit has become their natural response to any situation where they feel socially awkward, insecure, frightened, bored or embarrassed. Here is what an aggressive bully often looks like: He doesn't know how to get along with other kids, so he's usually not trying to play with them. When you look out on the playground at recess, he's probably alone. He's not playing soccer or kickball with the other children; hes roaming around the perimeter of all the interactions that take place at school on a daily basis. And whenever he's confronted with a problem or feels insecure, he takes that out on somebody else. He does this by putting somebody else down verbally or physically. A child who bullies might also throw or break things in order to feel better and more powerful about himself. When the bully feels powerless and afraid, he's much more likely to be aggressive, because that makes him feel powerful and in control. Thats a very seductive kind of thing for kids; its very hard for them to let go of that power. WHEN BULLIES GROW UP! If a child bullies, that tendency can stay with them their whole lives. Fortunately, some bullies do mature after they leave school. You'll see them get into their early twenties and go their own way; they get married, they go to college, they start a career, and they stop their bullying behavior. You will also see young child bullies who become teenage bullies and then adult bullies. How does this behavior and lack of social skills affect them? These are the people who abuse their wives and kids emotionally and sometimes physically. These are the people who call their

spouses and kids names if they don't do things the way they want them to. Bullies may also become criminals. Look at it this way: a bully is somebody who is willing to use aggression, verbal abuse, property destruction or even violence to get his way. An anti-social personality disorder (which is how criminals are classified) refers to somebody who is willing to use aggression and violence to get his way. The criminal population is literally full of bullies who, among other things, never learned how to resolve conflicts and behave appropriately in social situations. If you think your child is bullying others, its very important to start working with him now. This behavior is already hurting his lifeand will continue to do so if its left to fester. If you expect your child to outgrow bullying once he reaches adulthood, realize that youre also taking the risk that he may notand that choice may negatively affect him for the rest of his life. MISSION RESQUE As the parent, you have to teach kids problem-solving skills so that they have an alternative way of dealing with these situations and feelings. The following are steps you can take to help your child: Set Limits. Accept no excuse for violence. Write this on a piece of paper and put it on the refrigerator. Let Theres no excuse for violence become the motto of your household. Hold your child responsible for his or her violent behavior no matter what the justification. Remember, being verbally provoked does not justify a violent response. Hold Kids Accountable and Give Consequences: Make sure there are consequences attached to those limits that you set. And make sure those consequences are set up as learning experiences. Monitor the Media in Your Home: Not all kids listen to violent rap or metal music and then come down and be nice at dinner. Monitoring and excluding violent media, including TV, videos, music and computer, gives the whole family the theme that violence is not going to be glamorized in your home. Be a Role Model for Your Child: As a parent, you need to be a role model. If you and your spouse are hurting one another or hurting your children to get your way, dont be surprised if your kids mimic that. Kids watch parents for a livingits their job, its what they do. If parents model shortcuts and poor problem-solving, its natural that the kids are going to follow suit. TIPS & WARNINGS
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Ask your child's teacher about his behavior in school. It is possible that he is experiencing trouble at school that is causing the bad behavior. Remember that changing aggressive behavior can be a process, so don't expect instant results. Sometimes behavioral problems can be caused by medical issues. Take your child to the pediatrician for a full physical exam to rule out any medical problems.

If the child is hurting other children, immediately remove him from the environment until he can calm down.

What Not to Do
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Never bite or hit back. It can be tempting to want to teach your child a lesson in how it feels to be the victim of aggression, but when you succumb to a childlike form of communication, you are teaching your child that aggression is the answer to resolving a conflict. Even though its difficult, try your best to maintain your composure. Do not expose your child to violent television or video games. Too often TV and videos portray the most violent character as the hero, which sends the message that violence is a means to an end for problem-solving. This message can easily be avoided if you are on top of their viewing habits. While TV or video violence may not affect some kids, it may greatly influence others who have a tendency to act out aggressively with their friends. By knowing your childs temperament and what he or she can withstand, you are helping them on their way towards their best behavior possible. Do not personalize your childs bad behavior. All too often parents get frustrated and angry at their child when they are aggressive, because many times we feel that our childs poor behavior is a reflection of our parenting skills. If you have an aggressive child, switch your focus towards helping them express themselves in a more appropriate way and follow through when an incident occurs.

All violent feelings have the same effect. They produce in us a falseness in all our impressions of external things, which I would generally characterize as the pathetic fallacy. -John Ruskin WEBLIOGRAPHY: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. http://www.learningpeace.com/pages/LP_07.htm http://www.angermanagementtips.com/tips.htm http://www.angriesout.com/teach7.htm http://www.empoweringparents.com/Why-Do-Kids-Children-Teens-Bully-and-How-to-StopBullies.php# http://www.empoweringparents.com/when-Kids-Get-Violent.php http://www.empoweringparents.com/when-Kids-Get-Violent.php http://www.empoweringparents.com/the-10-rules-of-dealing-with-an-angry-child.php http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Stop-Aggressive-Behavior-in-Young-Children.php http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=5803&cn=116 http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=5810&cn=116 http://www.drkutner.com/parenting/articles/aggressive.htm http://www.violentkids.com/parent_teacher.html http://www.livestrong.com/article/96102-handle-aggressive-violent-children/