An Interview with David Schonfeld: The

Educator's Role in Helping Children with Grief

David J. Schonfeld
(Interviewed on behalf of NAJP by)
Michael F. Shaughnessy
Eastern New Mexico University

David J. Schonfeld, MD, FAAP, is Thelma and Jack Rubinstein

Professor of Pediatrics. He also serves as director for the National Center
for School Crisis and Bereavement, and in a similar capacity for
Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics at the Cincinnati Children’s
Hospital Medical Center. He responds here to questions about helping
children who are grieving for a pet, close friend, or relative.

NAJP: Dr. Schonfeld, you recently conducted a free live webcast to help
educators understand their role in helping children cope with grief. What
brought this about?

DJS: The National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement, the New
York Life Foundation, and Scholastic all share the goal of improving the
capacity for school personnel to support children who are grieving.
School is an ideal location to provide this ongoing support – children
spend nearly half of their waking hours in school, teachers understand
child development and are able to support children at times of stress, and
teachers and other school personnel establish long-term relationships
with children that can serve as a context to provide the needed support
over time. In addition, students who are grieving often experience
difficulties with attention, concentration, and learning that may impair
their academics.

NAJP: What do you see as the educator's role in the death of a parent?

DJS: Teachers need to approach children who are grieving to

acknowledge the loss (and express their sympathy), offer support and
assistance, and check in periodically to help promote adjustment.
Students may require, for a time period, academic supports (e.g.,
tutoring) and accommodations (e.g., additional time for tests or
assignments). Teachers should anticipate and address grief triggers (e.g.,
before asking children to prepare a card for Father’s Day, they should
Author info: Correspondence should be sent to: Dr. Michael Shaughnessy,
Psychology Department, Eastern New Mexico University, Portales, NM 88130.
North American Journal of Psychology, 2011, Vol. 13, No. 2, 275-280.
 NAJP
276 NORTH AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PSYCHOLOGY

acknowledge that some children may not have a father who is alive or
with whom they regularly communicate and suggest that they select
another male role model in their life for the assignment or write a card in
honor of their father even if he is no longer alive or reachable) and let
students know that they can leave the room if they are feeling
overwhelmed (e.g., after something in the lesson or classroom discussion
triggers memories or feelings about their loss).
Teachers should also reach out to parents and seek their input about
how to support their children and offer advice (e.g., around funeral
attendance) and resources (e.g., bereavement support groups, referral to a
school counselor or other mental health professional).

NAJP: Often children are confronted with unexpected death - say a car
accident in which a parent is involved. How does that differ from a child
who has seen mom or dad attempting to cope with cancer over the course
of several years?

DJS: Unexpected losses are often associated with a period of initial

shock and may be particularly overwhelming. They provide no
opportunity for explanation prior to the death, no ability to put into place
supports (e.g., when a parent is dying of cancer, hospice services may
begin to work with the children to explain what is occurring and provide
support), and may be associated with particularly high levels of guilt.
Prolonged deaths often provide an opportunity for anticipatory grieving,
where the individual can “practice” grieving while the individual is still
alive, but then be reassured when feelings become overwhelming by the
fact that the person is still alive. There are, though, challenges with
prolonged illnesses. They often are particularly taxing to families in
terms of money and energy. Individuals who are going through
anticipatory grieving proceed at variable rates and the process is not
linear – so one person may have reached acceptance and begun to detach
personal ties (e.g., an adolescent may start spending more time outside of
the home with peers or the surviving parent may spend more time at
work) while others in the family become more directly involved with the
parent who is dying (and then feel abandoned by the family member who
is spending less time at home or with the individual who is dying) – and
the same individual will vary in their level of attachment and
involvement over time. This can result in conflict among family
members. In addition, watching a family member who is sick (and often
in pain) and dying is painful, and family members will, at times, wish for
it to just end quickly – and then feel guilty for wishing for the death of
someone they love. As a result, both sudden death and prolonged
illnesses are risk factors for complicated mourning in children.
 Schonfeld & Shaughnessy INTERVIEW 277

NAJP: In the schools, all children are tested and are expected to make
"annual yearly progress." Yet, when dealing with grief and loss, it is
difficult to concentrate on fractions, decimals and percentages. What do
schools need to do?

DJS: Schools should provide academic supports (e.g., tutoring, one-on-

one time with the teacher to ensure progress, etc.) as soon as the death
occurs (or beforehand if serious illness in a parent or other family
member is known) and accommodations (e.g., giving more time for
completion of tests or assignments; modifying assignments so that they
are not overwhelming or do not serve as a grief trigger; excusing children
from tests immediately after the death or weighing scores differentially
so that short-term academic difficulties weigh less on the final grade).
Teachers should never wait until academic failure occurs before offering
support – this results in an additional stressor for the children and
parents. If children need to repeat a grade, they often effectively lose
their peer group, which is an incremental loss at a time in their life when
they can least afford it.

NAJP: What is the role of the guidance counselor in this regard?

DJS: For those children who are willing to accept this support (some
older students may not wish to be singled out in the school setting and
may prefer to receive their supports outside of school), the counselor can
provide a safe environment to explore feelings related to the loss and
advocate for the child’s needs. Counselors can provide advice, bring
together others that are grieving in bereavement support groups (to let
children know that they are not unique in having difficulties after a loss),
and work with teachers to minimize grief triggers and put into place
necessary academic supports and accommodations. They can provide
advice to parents to ensure that other family members are receiving the
supports that will help them adjust to the loss in addition to ensuring that
the student has supports to promote adjustment. They can also help
monitor progress over time, after the student has progressed to the next
grade level, and communicate any ongoing need to new teachers and
other school personnel (e.g., coaches, school security staff, etc.). For
those students approaching transitions (e.g., promotion from elementary
to middle school; college application), they can offer particularly needed
assistance with those transitions. College application can be particularly
difficult after a parent has died – it makes it hard for adolescents to leave
the surviving parent who is grieving at a time when the adolescent is also
feeling insecure. Temporary academic difficulties can be viewed
critically in college applications without adequate explanation and the
278 NORTH AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PSYCHOLOGY

course load for juniors and seniors can be particularly challenging even
outside the context of grief.

NAJP: What about the child's minister, priest, rabbi, or preacher- should
the teacher reach out to the child's spiritual advisor?

DJS: In public schools, teachers and other school personnel can advise
students and parents that they may wish to reach out to these supports if
they find them meaningful in their lives. Counselors may wish to speak
with these individuals if both are providing ongoing support to the
children. Generally, though, teachers in public school settings will not be
addressing spiritual issues. This obviously will be different if children
attend religious schools.

NAJP: Some children have large extended families, and it may not be
uncommon for a child to lose an aunt, an uncle, and a grandparent all in
the same year. What does the teacher need to know about such a
situation?

DJS: The impact of cumulative losses is often more than additive –

children who have experienced unaccommodated losses are more at risk
of having complicated mourning after a subsequent loss. In contrast, if
children have experienced a loss and received appropriate
education/explanation and supports, they may be more resilient when a
later loss occurs – they will know more what to expect and have the skills
to cope more effectively.
Multiple losses close together can increase children’s sense of
vulnerability. After a death of someone close to a child has occurred,
children may worry that everyone they care about will die and leave them
all alone. Multiple deaths in a short period of time may increase this
worry.

NAJP: Let's talk about "first deaths" if you will, and I will use myself as
an example. My grandfather died when I was 11, and I had never really
dealt with the death of any person, or even a pet. Is one's first grief/loss
experience different from later ones?

DJS: As noted above, if this initial loss is not overwhelming and is

accompanied by explanation/education and support, and the child is able
to cope effectively, it can be a learning experience which makes the child
more resilient for future loss. Later losses, if not themselves
overwhelming for other reasons, may be accommodated more readily if
the child is able to draw on coping skills learned from this prior
 Schonfeld & Shaughnessy INTERVIEW 279

experience. If the initial loss is overwhelming or otherwise not

adequately accommodated, it may place the child at risk for complicated
mourning in the future. Individuals are reminded of prior losses
whenever they have significant losses later in their lives.

NAJP: Can we talk about pets- and the loss of the family dog or cat?
What is the educator’s role here?

DJS: Children (and adults) often form strong and significant attachments
with their pets and will experience grief when they die. Similar types of
education, support and assistance may be helpful (although the extent of
grief experienced over the loss of a pet is usually significantly less than
for the death of a close family member or friend). It may also help teach
the child coping skills for loss that can be used during subsequent crises.

NAJP: Are there any specific books that teachers should read?

DJS: There are a number of resources that can be used by teachers. One
resource is a book that I co-wrote (Schonfeld & Quackenbush, 2010)
specifically for teachers on how to support the grieving student. Teachers
and other school personnel can also find a number of useful, free
resources on the website of the National Center for School Crisis and
Bereavement at www.cincinnatichildrens.org/school-crisis. This includes
a booklet (Schonfeld & Quackenbush, 2009) that can be freely
downloaded in English or Spanish (a Japanese translation should be
completed shortly) and copied and distributed to parents and other caring
adults on how to support a grieving child (copies can also be ordered at
no charge), step-by-step guidelines on how schools can respond to the
death of a student or member of the staff, a teacher training module on
bereavement with presenter notes, psychological first aid documents, and
a range of other resources.
The Center is also available to provide advice and technical
assistance to schools who are responding to a death by email and phone
at no charge.

NAJP: One last question - I was involved in a situation wherein a first

grade teacher died in the middle of the year. Obviously, the children were
distraught. What is the role of the principal in such a situation, and the
guidance counselor, and what are the counseling concerns?

DJS: The death of a teacher has a very significant impact on the students
as well as the school staff. The principal should have in place a school
crisis team and a plan for how to respond to the death of a member of the
280 NORTH AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PSYCHOLOGY

school community and ensure that members of the team and all school
staff have training in how best to respond, and be given the support to
perform this important role. The website of the National Center for
School Crisis and Bereavement (www.cincinnatichildrens.org/school-
crisis) has step-by-step guidelines on how to respond to the death of a
student or staff member, as well as educational and training materials.
Members of the Center are also available to answer questions and
provide technical assistance at no charge.

NAJP: What have I neglected to ask?

DJS: I might also point out that when a death occurs, children also
experience a range of secondary losses – there may be financial stressors,
the surviving parent may be depressed or less emotionally accessible, the
family may need to move to a smaller home or in with relatives (which
may require a change in school), and so on. Children may therefore need
to cope with a number of additional stressors in addition to the death of a
family member.

REFERENCES
Schonfeld, D., & Quackenbush, M. (2009). After a loved one dies—How
children grieve and how parents and other adults can support them. New
York, NY: New York Life Foundation.
Schonfeld, D., & Quackenbush, M. (2010). The grieving student: A teacher's
guide. Baltimore, MD: Brookes Publishing.
Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission.