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Mark Simon

Getting Started with SQL and Databases

Managing and Manipulating Data with SQL
Mark Simon
Ivanhoe VIC, VIC, Australia

ISBN 978-1-4842-9492-5 e-ISBN 978-1-4842-9493-2

https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4842-9493-2

© Mark Simon 2023

This work is subject to copyright. All rights are solely and exclusively
licensed by the Publisher, whether the whole or part of the material is
concerned, specifically the rights of translation, reprinting, reuse of
illustrations, recitation, broadcasting, reproduction on microfilms or in
any other physical way, and transmission or information storage and
retrieval, electronic adaptation, computer software, or by similar or
dissimilar methodology now known or hereafter developed.

The use of general descriptive names, registered names, trademarks,

service marks, etc. in this publication does not imply, even in the
absence of a specific statement, that such names are exempt from the
relevant protective laws and regulations and therefore free for general
use.

The publisher, the authors, and the editors are safe to assume that the
advice and information in this book are believed to be true and accurate
at the date of publication. Neither the publisher nor the authors or the
editors give a warranty, expressed or implied, with respect to the
material contained herein or for any errors or omissions that may have
been made. The publisher remains neutral with regard to jurisdictional
claims in published maps and institutional affiliations.

This Apress imprint is published by the registered company APress

Media, LLC, part of Springer Nature.
The registered company address is: 1 New York Plaza, New York, NY
10004, U.S.A.
To Sachiko. Thanks for your patience, forbearance, and trust.
Introduction
In the distant past, data was managed by computers in all sorts of ways,
and there was no one way to do this. There still isn’t, which isn’t a bad
thing, because not all data can be handled the same way. There is,
however, a large body of data which can be handled in a common way,
and the early 1970s saw the development of a set of mathematical
principles in the relational model.
Starting in a lab at IBM, software was developed to handle relational
data, and a language was developed to manage it. The language
eventually became the Structured Query Language. In the early days,
different vendors had their own idea of how the language should work,
but this was eventually rolled into a standard. The standard has grown
over the decades, which means that the language is also growing.
Not all database vendors follow the standard to the same degree.
Some standards were late in coming, and database vendors filled in
some gaps with their imagination. Other standards are harder to
implement than it looks, and some vendors are “still working on it.” And
sometimes, the vendor just wants to do something differently.
This book looks at using SQL for basic tasks. Mostly that means
fetching data and possibly processing it. There are many database
packages available, all with their own quirks, and all with their own
variations of the SQL standard. This book covers a few of the most
popular packages and makes a point of showing not only what the
standard says but also how the individual packages do things.
We’ll also look at how databases are designed, but not because we’ll
be designing any. One of the big mysteries to any new SQL user is why
do we do things this way or that, and why is the data the way it is. By
understanding some design principles, you’ll be in a better position to
know why.
In this book, we make no assumptions about your prior knowledge,
except that you have an idea what a table is. You have probably had
some experience with spreadsheets as well.
As to what you might do afterward, that depends. It might be your
job to fetch data to feed it into some sort of analysis or reporting
software. You might do all of your analysis in SQL directly, or you might
write queries in a specialized database application. Or you might be a
web developer looking to manage a blog or an ecommerce site.

The Sample Data

We’ll talk more about the sample data later in the book, but the book is
based on a sample database. You can sit in an armchair and read the
book as it is if you like, but you’ll probably want to work through the
exercises.
To work through the exercises, you’ll need the following:
A database server and a suitable database client.
Permissions to do anything you like on the database. If you’ve
installed the software locally, you probably have all the permissions
you need, but if you’re doing this on somebody else’s system, you
need to check.
The script which produces the sample database.
You can get a fresh copy of the script from
https://sample-db.net
and choose your options.
If that’s too much like hard work, you can use the following links to
download a script:
PostgreSQL: https://sample-db.net/?dbmss[]=pgsql-
10&db=prints&br=crlf&refresh&download
SQLite: https://sample-db.net?dbmss[]=sqlite-
script&db=prints&br=crlf&refresh&download
MySQL/MariaDB: https://sample-db.net/?
dbmss[]=mysql-
ansi&db=prints&br=crlf&refresh&download
Microsoft SQL: https://sample-db.net/?dbmss[]=mssql-
16&db=prints&br=crlf&refresh&download
Oracle: https://sample-db.net/?dbmss[]=oracle-
12&db=prints&br=crlf&refresh&download
These links are for current versions of the software. If you want
older versions, visit the preceding site.
Notes
Throughout the book, you’ll come across a few terms and a few
expectations:
MySQL and MariaDB are essentially the same; MariaDB is an
increasingly popular spin-off. With very few exceptions (as noted),
the code is interchangeable.
The book makes a great deal of using MySQL/MariaDB in so-called
ANSI mode. This is easily done, as you’ll see in the book, and makes
working with standard SQL much easier.
The Microsoft product will sometimes be referred to as Microsoft
SQL Server and sometimes as MSSQL for short. If you’re looking for
T-SQL (Transact SQL), it’s also the same thing.
Any source code or other supplementary material referenced by the
author in this book is available to readers on GitHub. For more detailed
information, please visit http://www.apress.com/source-code.
Acknowledgments
The sample data includes information about classical paintings and
their artists. This information is an extract of the hard work that went
into the WebMuseum (www.ibiblio.org/wm/).
Table of Contents
Chapter 1:​Starting with SQL
Basic SELECT Statement
Case Sensitivity
Spacing
Clause Ordering
The Semicolon (;)
Selecting Specific Columns
Column Order
Layout
Using SELECT *
Calculated Columns
Aliases
Comments
Block Comments
Uses of Comments
Filtering Rows
Clause Ordering
Placing the Semicolon
Ordering the Results
Clause Order
Distinct Rows
Summary
Writing SQL
Columns
Comments
 Filtering Data
Row Order
Clause Order
Coming Up
Chapter 2:​Database
About the Sample Database
Database
Tables
Normalized Tables
Multiple Values
Summary
Coming Up
Chapter 3:​Filtering Data
The WHERE Clause
Unrelated Assertions
All and Nothing
Dealing with NULL
Deliberately Ignoring NULLs
Finding NULLs
Numbers
Discrete vs.​Continuous Values
Strings
Quotes
More on MySQL/​MariaDB Modes
More on Double and Single Quotes
Case Sensitivity
 Trailing Spaces
Filtering with String Functions
Handling Quotes and Apostrophes
Before and After Strings
Dates
Dates Are Not Strings
Alternative Date Formats
Date Comparisons
Filtering with a Date Calculation
Multiple Assertions
AND and OR
The IN Operator
Derived Lists
Wildcard Matches
Case Sensitivity and Patterns
Pattern Characters
Wildcards with Non-strings
Extensions to Wildcards
A Simple Pattern Match Example
Summary
NULL
Numbers
Strings
Dates
Multiple Assertions
The IN Operator
 Wildcard Matches
Coming Up
Chapter 4:​Ordering Results
Using the ORDER BY Clause
Sort Direction
Missing Data (NULL)
Data Types
Case Sensitivity and Collation
Multiple Columns
Interdependence of Columns
Sort Direction on Multiple Columns
Sorting by Calculated Columns
Limiting the Number of Results
Paging
Using LIMIT … OFFSET … (MySQL/​MariaDB, SQLite, and
PostgreSQL)
Using TOP (MSSQL)
Fetching a Random Row
Nonalphabetical String Order
Special Strings
Summary
Sorting with ORDER BY
Limiting Results
Sorting Strings
Coming Up
Chapter 5:​Calculating Column Values
Testing Calculations
Emulating Variables
Some Basic Calculations
Basic Number Calculations
Basic String Calculations
Basic Date Calculations
Working with NULL
Using Aliases
Aliases Without AS
Awkward Aliases
Calculating with Numbers
Arithmetic Operators
Integers
Remainder
Extra Decimals
Mathematical Functions
Approximation Functions
Formatting Functions
Calculating with Dates
Simple Calculations
Age Calculations
Extracting Parts of a Date
Formatting a Date
Strings
Character Functions
Subqueries
Discovering Diverse Content Through
Random Scribd Documents
doubt about that; and my next thought naturally flew to burglars, who
were making an attempt on the safes in the offices above. What
could I do? I was utterly unarmed, and to go in pursuit of midnight
robbers in so defenceless a condition would be simply delivering
myself into their power. I certainly might have shied a couple of
Jones’ black-lettered books at their heads, for they were ponderous
enough to knock any man down, but I might not take a steady aim,
and it is better not to attempt at all than to attempt and fail.
Meanwhile, the sounds overhead had increased in number and
become continuous, as though some one had commenced to walk
up and down the room. Surely no midnight thief would dare to create
so much disturbance as that! Detection of his crime would be
inevitable. Or did he trust to the sound sleep of the porter and his
wife in the kitchen below, not knowing that I, existent and wakeful,
intervened between himself and them? In another minute I believe
that I should have cast all consequences to the winds, and rushed,
not in, but up to the rescue, forgetting I was a husband and a father,
and armed with Jones’ patent self-acting leveller, alone have
ascended to the upper story to investigate the cause of the midnight
disturbance I heard. Only—I didn’t! For before I had had time to
shoulder my weapons and screw my courage up to the sticking-
point, another sound reached my ears that made the patent levellers
drop on the table again with a thump,—the sound, not of a step, but
a groan—a deep, hollow, unmistakable groan, that chilled the
marrow in my bones to such a degree that it would have been a
disgrace to any cook to send them up to table.
I knew then that I must have been mistaken in my first theory, and
that the sounds I overheard, whether they proceeded from mortals or
not, had no connection with the nefarious occupation of
housebreakers. But they had become a thousand times more
interesting, and I listened attentively.
The groan was followed by some muttered words that sounded
like a curse, succeeded by louder tones of reproach or anger. Then
the footsteps traversed the floor again, and seemed to be chasing
someone or something round and round the room. At last I heard
another groan, followed by a heavy fall.
 I started to my feet. Surely Mr and Mrs Bizzey must have been
roused by such an unusual commotion, and would come upstairs to
learn the reason! But no!—they did not stir. All was silent as the
grave below, and above also. The noises had suddenly ceased. I
appeared to be alone in the empty house. It was all so strange that I
put my hands up to my head and asked myself if I were properly
awake. I was hardly satisfied on this point before the sounds
recommenced overhead, and precisely in the same order as before.
Again I listened to the pacing feet—the groan—the curse—the chase
—the fall! Each phase of the ghostly tragedy—for such I now felt
sure it must be—was repeated in rotation, not once, but a couple of
dozen or more times; and then at last the disturbance ceased as
suddenly and as unexpectedly as it had commenced.
I looked at my watch. It was three o’clock, and already the early
birds on the look-out for the worm had begun to herald the dawn with
a few faint twitters in the trees in the cloister. I threw off my clothes
impatiently, and lying down in my bed, gave myself up, not to sleep,
but reflection on what was best to be done. I had not the slightest
doubt left as to the cause of the noises I had heard. My landlady
might ascribe them to rats, but were she closely questioned she
would probably acknowledge the truth—that she knew the sounds to
proceed from spirits, popularly called ghosts; which accounted for all
her hesitation and change of countenance when speaking to me
about the apartments, also for the low price she asked for her rooms,
and her evident wish to dissuade me from sitting up at night.
Naturally the poor woman was afraid she should never secure a
lodger if the truth were known; but as far as I was concerned, she
was altogether mistaken—I was not afraid of her ghosts. On the
contrary, as I lay in bed and thought on what had just occurred, I
congratulated myself that, by a third strange coincidence, my visit to
Norwich promised to turn out all that I could desire.
I must ‘lay’ these ghosts, of course—i.e., if they interfered with my
graver work; but to have the opportunity of doing so was the very
thing my heart was set upon. Is my reader surprised to hear this?
Then I must take him further into my confidence.
 When I confessed I was an author, Press writer, amateur
detective, and father of six children, I did not add the crowning
iniquity, and write myself down a believer in ghosts and spiritualism.
Every man acknowledges himself a spirit, and to have been created
by the power of a spirit. Most men believe that spirits have the
capability of free volition and locomotion, and many that they have
exercised these powers by re-appearing to their fellow spirits in the
flesh. But to assert publicly that you believe in all this because you
have proved it to be the truth, is to throw yourself open to the charge
of being a dupe, or a madman, or a liar. Therefore I had preferred
until then to keep my faith a secret. My children’s bread depended in
a great measure on the reputation I kept up as a man of sense, and I
had not dared to risk it by attempting to put my theories into practice.
Not that I was entirely ignorant of the rules pertaining to the science
of spiritualism. Under cover of the darkness that hides all
delinquencies, I had attended several circles gathered for the sole
purpose of investigating the mysteries of other worlds; but it had
always been accomplished with the utmost secrecy, as my wife was
hysterically disposed, and the mere mention of a spirit would have
upset the house for days together.
I had never, therefore, had the opportunity of pursuing spiritualism
on my own account; and until the day broke I lay awake,
congratulating myself on the good luck that had thrown me, cheek by
jowl, with a party of ready-made ghosts, whom a very little
encouragement would, I trusted, induce to pay me a visit in my own
apartments.
All the next day I wandered through the streets of Norwich and in
the country surrounding them, speculating—not on the whereabouts
of Julian Cockleboat, nor ‘The Origin of Dreams’—but how I should
persuade my landlady to help me unravel the mysterious occurrence
of the night before. At last I bethought me that ‘honesty is the best
policy’ after all, and decided that I would make a clean breast of my
suspicions and desires. If Mrs Bizzey were a sensible woman, she
would prove only too ready to aid me in ridding her apartments of
visitors that must injure their reputation; and, at all events, I could but
try her. So I opened the subject on the very first opportunity. The
woman was clearing away my tea-things the same evening, when
she remarked that I had not eaten well.
‘I am afraid you sit up too much at night, sir, to make a good
appetite.’
‘Other people seem to sit up in this house at night as well as
myself, Mrs Bizzey,’ I replied, significantly.
‘I don’t understand you,’ she said, colouring.
‘Why, do you mean to say you never hear noises;—that you were
not disturbed last night, for instance, by the sound of groans and
voices, and of some one falling about in the upper rooms?’
‘Oh, sir, you don’t mean to tell me as you’ve heard them already!’
exclaimed Mrs Bizzey, clasping her hands and letting a teacup fall in
her agitation. ‘If you go too, you’ll be the third gentleman that has left
within a fortnight on that account; and if a stop ain’t put to it, the
house will get such a name that nobody will put a foot inside the door
for love or money.’
‘But I don’t mean to go, Mrs Bizzey; on the contrary, I should be
very sorry to go; and if you and your husband will consent to help
me, I will do my best to stop the noises altogether,’ for the idea of
forming a little circle with these worthy people had suddenly flashed
into my mind.
‘How can me and my good man help you, sir?’
‘Is Mr Bizzey at home? If so, go downstairs and fetch him up here,
and I will explain what I mean to you both at the same time.’
She left the room at once, and in a few minutes returned with a
dapper-looking little old fellow, in knee-breeches and a red plush
waistcoat, who pulled his forelock to me on entering.
‘This is Mr Bizzey, sir, and I’ve been telling him all you say as we
came up the stairs.’
I leant back in my chair, folded my hands, and looked important.
‘I suppose you must have heard the science of spiritualism
mentioned?’ I commenced, grandly.
 ‘The science of what, sir?’ inquired Mr Bizzey, with a puzzled air.
‘Of spiritualism—i.e., the power of converse or communication with
disembodied spirits.’
‘Lor’! you never mean “ghosts,” sir?’ said the old woman.
‘I do, indeed, Mrs Bizzey. I suppose you believe that spirits (or
ghosts, as you call them) may re-appear after death?’
‘Oh, yes,’ interposed the husband; ‘for I mind the night that my
poor mother lay dying, there was an apparition of a turkey-cock that
sat upon the palings opposite our cottage, and when it fluttered off
’em with a screech, just for all the world like a real turkey, you know,
sir, she turned on her side suddenly, and give up the ghost. I’ve
always believed in apparitions since then.’
‘And when my sister Jane lay in of her last,’ chimed in Mrs Bizzey,
‘there was a little clock stood on the mantel-shelf that had always
been wound up regular and gone regular ever since she was
married; and we was moving a lot of things to one side, and we
moved that clock and found it had stopped; and the nurse, she said
to me, “Mark my words if that’s not a warning of death;” and, sure
enough, Jane died before the morning, which makes me so careful
of moving a clock since then that I’d rather go three miles round than
touch one if a body lay sick in the house.’
‘I see that you both take a most sensible view of the business, and
are fully alive to the importance attached to it,’ I answered; ‘I hope,
therefore, to secure your assistance to find out what these unusual
and mysterious noises in your house portend, and what the authors
require us to do for them.’
Then—whilst the old man scratched his head with bewilderment,
and the old woman looked scared out of her seven senses—I
explained to them, as well as I was able, the nature of a séance, and
asked them if they would come and sit at the table with me that
evening and hold one.
‘But, lawk a mussy, sir, you never want to speak to them!’ cried
Mrs Bizzey.
 ‘How else are we to ascertain for what reason these spirits disturb
your lodgers and render your rooms uninhabitable by their pranks?’
‘I should die of fright before we had been at it five minutes,’ was
her comment; but her husband was pluckier, and took a more
practical view of the matter.
‘You’ll just do as I bid you, missus, and hold your chatter. There’s
no doubt these noises are a great nuisance—not to say a loss—and
if this gentleman will be good enough to try and stop them, and can’t
do without us, I’ll help him for one, and you will for another.’
Mrs Bizzey protested, and wept, and was even refractory, but it
was all of no avail, and before we separated it had been agreed we
should meet again at ten o’clock, and hold a séance. There was
some whispering between the old couple after that that I did not quite
understand, but as it ended by Mrs Bizzey ejaculating, ‘Nonsense; I
tell you the house will be quiet enough by ten o’clock,’ I concluded
he was referring to some expected visitor, and dismissed the subject
from my mind. As soon as they had disappeared I delivered myself
up to self-gratulation. I was really going to hold a séance, under my
own direction and the most favourable circumstances, with a large
haunted house at my command, and no one to be any the wiser for
my dabbling in the necromantic art. I took out an old number of the
‘Spiritualist,’ and referred to the directions for forming circles at
home. I prepared the paper, pencils, and speaking tubes, and
symmetrically arranged the table and chairs.
Nothing was wanted when Mr and Mrs Bizzey entered my room at
the appointed hour—he looking expectant, and she very much
alarmed. I was prepared for this, however, and insisted upon their
both joining me in a glass of whisky and hot water before
commencing the sitting, alleging as a reason the fact that the
presence of spirits invariably chills the atmosphere, whether in
summer or winter. So I mixed three bumping tumblers of toddy,
strong enough to give us the courage we required for the occasion;
and after we had (according to the directions) engaged for some little
time in light and friendly conversation, I induced my friends to
approach the table.
 It was now, I was glad to see by my watch, about half-past eleven
—just about the time when the mysterious sounds had commenced
the night before; and having lowered the lamp, much to Mrs Bizzey’s
horror, until it was represented by a mere glimmer of light, I
instructed her husband and herself how to place their hands upon
the table, linked with mine, and the séance began.
I had enjoined perfect silence on my companions, and after we
had been sitting still for about fifteen minutes, during which I had
watched in vain for some symptoms of movement on the part of the
table, we all heard distinctly the sound of a foot creeping cautiously
about the upper rooms, upon which Mrs Bizzey, too frightened to
shriek, began to weep, and her husband, in order to stop her,
pinched her violently in the dark.
‘Hush!’ I exclaimed, almost as agitated as the woman. ‘Do not
disturb them for your life, and whatever you may see, don’t scream.’
‘La, sir, you never mean to say that they’ll come downstairs?’
‘I cannot say what they may do. I think I hear a step descending
now. But remember, Mrs Bizzey, they will not hurt you, and try and
be brave for all our sakes.’
We were in a state of high nervous excitement for the next five
minutes, during which the same noises I had heard the night before
were repeated overhead, only that the curses were louder and
delivered with more determination, and the falls appeared to
succeed each other like hail.
‘Oh, sir, what are they a-doing?’ exclaimed Mrs Bizzey, paralysed
with terror. ‘They must be killing each other all round.’
‘Hush!’ I replied. ‘Listen, now. Some one is pleading for love or for
mercy. How soft and clear the voice is!’
‘It sounds for all the world like my poor sister Jane when she was
asking her husband to forgive her for everything she had done
amiss,’ said the old woman.
‘Perhaps it is your sister Jane, or some of your relations,’ I replied.
‘She may want you to do something for her. Would you be afraid if
she were suddenly to open the door and come into the room?’
‘Oh, I don’t know, I’m sure, sir; but I hope she mayn’t. It makes me
curdle all over only to think of it.’
‘They’re quieter now. Let us ask if there is any one present who
wishes to speak to us,’ I said; and addressing the table to that effect,
I commenced to spell out the alphabet rather loudly—‘A, B, C,’ etc.
Whether from my nervousness, or the united strain we laid upon it,
I know not, but the table certainly began to rock at that juncture,
though I could make neither head nor tail of its intentions. Treating it
in the orthodox manner by which Britons invariably attempt to
communicate with a foreigner who does not understand one word of
the language spoken, I began to bawl at the table, and my A, B, C
must have reverberated through the empty house.
Again the old woman whispered mysteriously to the old man, but
he dismissed her question with an impatient answer; and my
attention was too much attracted in another direction at that moment
to give much heed of what they were doing. My ear had caught the
sound of a descending footstep, and I felt sure the spirits were at last
about to visit us in propriæ personæ. But dreading the effect it might
have on Mrs Bizzey’s nerves, I purposely held my tongue, and
applied myself afresh to a vigorous repetition of the alphabet, striving
to cover the approaching footstep by the noise of my own voice,
although I was trembling with excitement and delight at the
successful issue of my undertaking. At last I plainly heard the
footstep pause outside the door, as though deliberating before it
opened it. The old man was apparently too deaf or too absorbed to
notice it, and his wife was in a state of helpless fright. I alone
sufficiently retained my senses to see the door slowly open, and a
white-robed figure—a real, materialised spirit—stand upon the
threshold. The gesture of delight, which I could not repress, roused
my companions from their reverie; and as soon as Mrs Bizzey turned
and saw the figure, she recognised it.
‘It’s Jane!’ she screamed. ‘It’s my own poor sister Jane come back
from the grave to visit me again, with her red hair and blue eyes; I
can see ’em as plain as plain. I’ll die of the shock, I know I shall!’
 ‘Nonsense!’ I exclaimed, sternly, fearful, lest by her folly she
should scare the newly-born spirit back to the spheres. ‘If it is your
sister, speak to her as you used to do. Tell her you are glad to see
her, and ask if she wants anything done.’
‘Oh, Jane!’ said the old woman, half falling upon her knees, ‘don’t
come a-nigher me, for mercy’s sake! I never kept nothing of yourn
back from the children except the old blue dress, which it wouldn’t
have been no use for them to wear, and the ring, which I had asked
you to give me a dozen times in your life, and you had always
refused. I’d give ’em both back now if I could, Jane, but the gownd
have been on the dust-heap these twenty years past, and the ring I
sold the minute my man was laid up with rheumatis. Forgive me,
Jane, forgive me!’
‘Why, what on earth are you making such a row about?’ replied the
spirit.
I leapt to my feet in a moment.
‘This is some shameful hoax!’ I exclaimed. ‘Who are you, and what
do you do here?’
‘I should think I might put the same question to you, since I find
you sitting in the dark, at dead of night, with my landlord and
landlady.’
‘Lor’, Mr Montmorency, it’s never you, sir!’ ejaculated old Bizzey,
with a feeble giggle.
The voice seemed familiar to me. Who on earth was this Mr
Montmorency, who had intruded upon our séance at the most
important juncture? I turned up the lamp and threw its light full upon
his features. ‘Good heavens!’ I exclaimed, ‘it’s Julian Cockleboat.’
The young man was equally astonished with myself.
‘Did Lord Seaborne send you after me?’ he said, guessing the
truth at once. ‘And how did you find out I was lodging here?’
‘Aha, my boy!’ I replied, unwilling to deny the kúdos with which he
credited me, ‘that’s my secret. Do you suppose I have gained the
name of the amateur detective among my friends for nothing? No,
no! I am in Norwich expressly for the purpose of restoring you to
your guardian, and as I knew that to show my hand more openly
would be to scare you off to another hiding place, I devised this little
plan for making you reveal yourself in your true character.’
‘Did Robson tell you, then, that I had taken an engagement at the
theatre here?’
‘Never you mind, Mr Cockleboat; it is quite sufficient that I knew it.
This is a proper sort of house to play hide-and-seek in, isn’t it?’
I was dispersing the table and chairs again with angry jerks as I
spoke, fearful lest my attempted investigation of the occult mysteries
should be discovered before I had removed its traces.
‘Still I can’t understand how you discovered that Mr Montmorency
was myself, although naturally my night rehearsals must have
disturbed you. But you told me you had no other lodgers,’ continued
Julian Cockleboat reproachfully, to the Bizzeys.
‘And you said the same thing to me,’ I added, in similar tones.
‘Well, sir—well, Mr Montmorency, I’m very sorry it should have
happened so,’ replied the landlord, turning from one to the other, ‘but
it’s all my old woman’s fault, for I said to her—’
‘You did nothing of the sort,’ interrupted his better half; ‘for when I
come to you and told you as a second gentleman wanted rooms
here, it was you as said, “Let him have the little room upstairs, and
no one will be ever the wiser if he takes his meals out of a day.”’
‘But we never thought—begging your pardon, Mr Montmorency—
as you’d take such a liberty with the upper offices as to make noises
in them as should disturb the whole house.’
‘Well, what was I to do?’ replied the young man, appealing to me.
‘They’ve given me three leading parts to get up at a fortnight’s
notice, and if I don’t study them at night I have no chance of being
ready in time.’
‘In fact,’ I said, oracularly, ‘you’ve been cheating each other all
round. Mr Bizzey has cheated his employers by letting apartments to
which he has no right; you have cheated the Bizzeys by using one
which you never hired of them; and I have—’ ‘cheated myself,’ I
might have added, but I stopped short and looked wise instead.
‘And it was never no ghosts after all!’ said Mrs Bizzey, in accents
of disappointment, as her husband marched her downstairs.

There is nothing more to tell. I reconciled Mr Julian Cockleboat to

his guardian and his destiny; and I wrote ‘The Origin of Dreams,’ the
best part, by the way (as all the critics affirmed), of ‘The Cyclopædia
of the Brain.’ I made more money by my little trip than six months of
ordinary labour would have brought me; and Lord Seaborne speaks
of me to this day, amongst his acquaintances, as the ‘very cleverest
amateur detective he has ever known.’
And so I am.
THE END.
 THE GHOST OF CHARLOTTE CRAY.
Mr Sigismund Braggett was sitting in the little room he called his
study, wrapped in a profound—not to say a mournful—reverie. Now,
there was nothing in the present life nor surroundings of Mr Braggett
to account for such a demonstration. He was a publisher and
bookseller; a man well to do, with a thriving business in the city, and
the prettiest of all pretty villas at Streatham. And he was only just
turned forty; had not a grey hair in his head nor a false tooth in his
mouth; and had been married but three short months to one of the
fairest and most affectionate specimens of English womanhood that
ever transformed a bachelor’s quarters into Paradise.
What more could Mr Sigismund Braggett possibly want? Nothing!
His trouble lay in the fact that he had got rather more than he
wanted. Most of us have our little peccadilloes in this world—
awkward reminiscences that we would like to bury five fathoms
deep, and never hear mentioned again, but that have an
uncomfortable habit of cropping up at the most inconvenient
moments; and no mortal is more likely to be troubled with them than
a middle-aged bachelor who has taken to matrimony.
Mr Sigismund Braggett had no idea what he was going in for when
he led the blushing Emily Primrose up to the altar, and swore to be
hers, and hers only, until death should them part. He had no
conception a woman’s curiosity could be so keen, her tongue so
long, and her inventive faculties so correct. He had spent whole days
before the fatal moment of marriage in burning letters, erasing
initials, destroying locks of hair, and making offerings of affection
look as if he had purchased them with his own money. But it had
been of little avail. Mrs Braggett had swooped down upon him like a
beautiful bird of prey, and wheedled, coaxed, or kissed him out of
half his secrets before he knew what he was about. But he had
never told her about Charlotte Cray. And now he almost wished that
he had done so, for Charlotte Cray was the cause of his present
dejected mood.
Now, there are ladies and ladies in this world. Some are very shy,
and will only permit themselves to be wooed by stealth. Others,
again, are the pursuers rather than the pursued, and chase the
wounded or the flying even to the very doors of their stronghold, or
lie in wait for them like an octopus, stretching out their tentacles on
every side in search of victims.
And to the latter class Miss Charlotte Cray decidedly belonged.
Not a person worth mourning over, you will naturally say. But, then,
Mr Sigismund Braggett had not behaved well to her. She was one of
the ‘peccadilloes.’ She was an authoress—not an author, mind you,
which term smacks more of the profession than the sex—but an
‘authoress,’ with lots of the ‘ladylike’ about the plots of her stories
and the metre of her rhymes. They had come together in the sweet
connection of publisher and writer—had met first in a dingy, dusty
little office at the back of his house of business, and laid the
foundation of their friendship with the average amount of chaffering
and prevarication that usually attend such proceedings.
Mr Braggett ran a risk in publishing Miss Cray’s tales or verses,
but he found her useful in so many other ways that he used
occasionally to hold forth a sop to Cerberus in the shape of publicity
for the sake of keeping her in his employ. For Miss Charlotte Cray—
who was as old as himself, and had arrived at the period of life when
women are said to pray ‘Any, good Lord, any!’—was really a clever
woman, and could turn her hand to most things required of her, or
upon which she had set her mind; and she had most decidedly set
her mind upon marrying Mr Braggett, and he—to serve his own
purposes—had permitted her to cherish the idea, and this was the
Nemesis that was weighing him down in the study at the present
moment. He had complimented Miss Cray, and given her presents,
and taken her out a-pleasuring, all because she was useful to him,
and did odd jobs that no one else would undertake, and for less than
any one else would have accepted; and he had known the while that
she was in love with him, and that she believed he was in love with
her.
He had not thought much of it at the time. He had not then made
up his mind to marry Emily Primrose, and considered that what
pleased Miss Cray, and harmed no one else, was fair play for all
sides. But he had come to see things differently now. He had been
married three months, and the first two weeks had been very bitter
ones to him. Miss Cray had written him torrents of reproaches during
that unhappy period, besides calling day after day at his office to
deliver them in person. This and her threats had frightened him out
of his life. He had lived in hourly terror lest the clerks should
overhear what passed at their interviews, or that his wife should be
made acquainted with them.
He had implored Miss Cray, both by word of mouth and letter, to
cease her persecution of him; but all the reply he received was that
he was a base and perjured man, and that she should continue to
call at his office, and write to him through the penny post, until he
had introduced her to his wife. For therein lay the height and depth of
his offending. He had been afraid to bring Emily and Miss Cray
together, and the latter resented the omission as an insult. It was bad
enough to find that Sigismund Braggett, whose hair she wore next
her heart, and whose photograph stood as in a shrine upon her
bedroom mantelpiece, had married another woman, without giving
her even the chance of a refusal, but it was worse still to come to the
conclusion that he did not intend her to have a glimpse into the
garden of Eden he had created for himself.
Miss Cray was a lady of vivid imagination and strong aspirations.
All was not lost in her ideas, although Mr Braggett had proved false
to the hopes he had raised. Wives did not live for ever; and the
chances and changes of this life were so numerous, that stranger
things had happened than that Mr Braggett might think fit to make
better use of the second opportunity afforded him than he had done
of the first. But if she were not to continue even his friend, it was too
hard. But the perjured publisher had continued resolute,
notwithstanding all Miss Cray’s persecution, and now he had neither
seen nor heard from her for a month; and, man-like, he was
beginning to wonder what had become of her, and whether she had
found anybody to console her for his untruth. Mr Braggett did not
wish to comfort Miss Cray himself; but he did not quite like the notion
of her being comforted.
After all—so he soliloquised—he had been very cruel to her; for
the poor thing was devoted to him. How her eyes used to sparkle
and her cheek to flush when she entered his office, and how eagerly
she would undertake any work for him, however disagreeable to
perform! He knew well that she had expected to be Mrs Braggett,
and it must have been a terrible disappointment to her when he
married Emily Primrose.
Why had he not asked her out to Violet Villa since? What harm
could she do as a visitor there? particularly if he cautioned her first
as to the peculiarity of Mrs Braggett’s disposition, and the quickness
with which her jealousy was excited. It was close upon Christmas-
time, the period when all old friends meet together and patch up, if
they cannot entirely forget, everything that has annoyed them in the
past. Mr Braggett pictured to himself the poor old maid sitting solitary
in her small rooms at Hammersmith, no longer able to live in the
expectation of seeing his manly form at the wicket-gate, about to
enter and cheer her solitude. The thought smote him as a two-edged
sword, and he sat down at once and penned Miss Charlotte a note,
in which he inquired after her health, and hoped that they should
soon see her at Violet Villa.
He felt much better after this note was written and despatched. He
came out of the little study and entered the cheerful drawing-room,
and sat with his pretty wife by the light of the fire, telling her of the
lonely lady to whom he had just proposed to introduce her.
‘An old friend of mine, Emily. A clever, agreeable woman, though
rather eccentric. You will be polite to her, I know, for my sake.’
 ‘An old woman, is she?’ said Mrs Braggett, elevating her
eyebrows. ‘And what do you call ‘old,’ Siggy, I should like to know?’
‘Twice as old as yourself, my dear—five-and-forty at the very least,
and not personable-looking, even for that age. Yet I think you will find
her a pleasant companion, and I am sure she will be enchanted with
you.’
‘I don’t know that: clever women don’t like me, as a rule, though I
don’t know why.’
‘They are jealous of your beauty, my darling; but Miss Cray is
above such meanness, and will value you for your own sake.’
‘She’d better not let me catch her valuing me for yours,’ responded
Mrs Braggett, with a flash of the eye that made her husband ready to
regret the dangerous experiment he was about to make of bringing
together two women who had each, in her own way, a claim upon
him, and each the will to maintain it.
So he dropped the subject of Miss Charlotte Cray, and took to
admiring his wife’s complexion instead, so that the evening passed
harmoniously, and both parties were satisfied.
For two days Mr Braggett received no answer from Miss Cray,
which rather surprised him. He had quite expected that on the
reception of his invitation she would rush down to his office and into
his arms, behind the shelter of the ground-glass door that enclosed
his chair of authority. For Miss Charlotte had been used on
occasions to indulge in rapturous demonstrations of the sort, and the
remembrance of Mrs Braggett located in Violet Villa would have
been no obstacle whatever to her. She believed she had a prior
claim to Mr Braggett. However, nothing of the kind happened, and
the perjured publisher was becoming strongly imbued with the idea
that he must go out to Hammersmith and see if he could not make
his peace with her in person, particularly as he had several odd jobs
for Christmas-tide, which no one could undertake so well as herself,
when a letter with a black-edged border was put into his hand. He
opened it mechanically, not knowing the writing; but its contents
shocked him beyond measure.
 ‘Honoured Sir,—I am sorry to tell you that Miss Cray died
at my house a week ago, and was buried yesterday. She
spoke of you several times during her last illness, and if you
would like to hear any further particulars, and will call on me
at the old address, I shall be most happy to furnish you with
them.—Yours respectfully,
‘Mary Thompson.’

When Mr Braggett read this news, you might have knocked him
over with a feather. It is not always true that a living dog is better
than a dead lion. Some people gain considerably in the estimation of
their friends by leaving this world, and Miss Charlotte Cray was one
of them. Her persecution had ceased for ever, and her amiable
weaknesses were alone held in remembrance. Mr Braggett felt a
positive relief in the knowledge that his dead friend and his wife
would never now be brought in contact with each other; but at the
same time he blamed himself more than was needful, perhaps, for
not having seen nor communicated with Miss Cray for so long before
her death. He came down to breakfast with a portentously grave face
that morning, and imparted the sad intelligence to Mrs Braggett with
the air of an undertaker. Emily wondered, pitied, and sympathised,
but the dead lady was no more to her than any other stranger; and
she was surprised her husband looked so solemn over it all. Mr
Braggett, however, could not dismiss the subject easily from his
mind. It haunted him during the business hours of the morning, and
as soon as he could conveniently leave his office, he posted away to
Hammersmith. The little house in which Miss Cray used to live
looked just the same, both inside and outside: how strange it
seemed that she should have flown away from it for ever! And here
was her landlady, Mrs Thompson, bobbing and curtseying to him in
the same old black net cap with artificial flowers in it, and the same
stuff gown she had worn since he first saw her, with her apron in her
hand, it is true, ready to go to her eyes as soon as a reasonable
opportunity occurred, but otherwise the same Mrs Thompson as
before. And yet she would never wait upon her again.
 ‘It was all so sudden, sir,’ she said, in answer to Mr Braggett’s
inquiries, ‘that there was no time to send for nobody.’
‘But Miss Cray had my address.’
‘Ah! perhaps so; but she was off her head, poor dear, and couldn’t
think of nothing. But she remembered you, sir, to the last; for the
very morning she died, she sprung up in bed and called out,
‘Sigismund! Sigismund!’ as loud as ever she could, and she never
spoke to anybody afterwards, not one word.’
‘She left no message for me?’
‘None, sir. I asked her the day before she went if I was to say
nothing to you for her (knowing you was such friends), and all her
answer was, “I wrote to him. He’s got my letter.” So I thought,
perhaps, you had heard, sir.’
‘Not for some time past. It seems terribly sudden to me, not having
heard even of her illness. Where is she buried?’
‘Close by in the churchyard, sir. My little girl will go with you and
show you the place, if you’d like to see it.’
Mr Braggett accepted her offer and left.
When he was standing by a heap of clods they called a grave, and
had dismissed the child, he drew out Miss Cray’s last letter, which he
carried in his pocket, and read it over.
‘You tell me that I am not to call at your office again, except on
business’ (so it ran), ‘nor to send letters to your private address, lest
it should come to the knowledge of your wife, and create
unpleasantness between you; but I shall call, and I shall write, until I
have seen Mrs Braggett, and, if you don’t take care, I will introduce
myself to her and tell her the reason you have been afraid to do so.’
This letter had made Mr Braggett terribly angry at the time of
reception. He had puffed and fumed, and cursed Miss Charlotte by
all his gods for daring to threaten him. But he read it with different
feelings now Miss Charlotte was down there, six feet beneath the
ground he stood on, and he could feel only compassion for her
frenzy, and resentment against himself for having excited it. As he
travelled home from Hammersmith to Streatham, he was a very
dejected publisher indeed.
He did not tell Mrs Braggett the reason of his melancholy, but it
affected him to that degree that he could not go to office on the
following day, but stayed at home instead, to be petted and waited
upon by his pretty wife, which treatment resulted in a complete cure.
The next morning, therefore, he started for London as briskly as
ever, and arrived at office before his usual time. A clerk, deputed to
receive all messages for his master, followed him behind the ground-
glass doors, with a packet of letters.
‘Mr Van Ower was here yesterday, sir. He will let you have the
copy before the end of the week, and Messrs Hanleys’ foreman
called on particular business, and will look in to-day at eleven. And
Mr Ellis came to ask if there was any answer to his letter yet; and
Miss Cray called, sir; and that’s all.’
‘Who did you say?’ cried Braggett.
‘Miss Cray, sir. She waited for you above an hour, but I told her I
thought you couldn’t mean to come into town at all, so she went.’
‘Do you know what you’re talking about, Hewetson? You said Miss
Cray!’
‘And I meant it, sir—Miss Charlotte Cray. Burns spoke to her as
well as I.’
‘Good heavens!’ exclaimed Mr Braggett, turning as white as a
sheet. ‘Go at once and send Burns to me.’ Burns came.
‘Burns, who was the lady that called to see me yesterday?’
‘Miss Cray, sir. She had a very thick veil on, and she looked so
pale that I asked her if she had been ill, and she said “Yes.” She sat
in the office for over an hour, hoping you’d come in, but as you didn’t,
she went away again.’
‘Did she lift her veil?’
‘Not whilst I spoke to her, sir.’
‘How do you know it was Miss Cray, then?’
 The clerk stared. ‘Well, sir, we all know her pretty well by this time.’
‘Did you ask her name?’
‘No, sir; there was no need to do it.’
‘You’re mistaken, that’s all, both you and Hewetson. It couldn’t
have been Miss Cray! I know for certain that she is—is—is—not in
London at present. It must have been a stranger.’
‘It was not, indeed, sir, begging your pardon. I could tell Miss Cray
anywhere, by her figure and her voice, without seeing her face. But I
did see her face, and remarked how awfully pale she was—just like
death, sir!’
‘There! there! that will do! It’s of no consequence, and you can go
back to your work.’
But any one who had seen Mr Braggett, when left alone in his
office, would not have said he thought the matter of no
consequence. The perspiration broke out upon his forehead,
although it was December, and he rocked himself backward and
forward in his chair with agitation.
At last he rose hurriedly, upset his throne, and dashed through the
outer premises in the face of twenty people waiting to speak to him.
As soon as he could find his voice, he hailed a hansom, and drove to
Hammersmith. Good Mrs Thompson opening the door to him,
thought he looked as if he had just come out of a fever.
‘Lor’ bless me, sir! whatever’s the matter?’
‘Mrs Thompson, have you told me the truth about Miss Cray? Is
she really dead?’
‘Really dead, sir! Why, I closed her eyes, and put her in the coffin
with my own hands! If she ain’t dead, I don’t know who is! But if you
doubt my word, you’d better ask the doctor that gave the certificate
for her.’
‘What is the doctor’s name?’
‘Dodson; he lives opposite.’
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