COMMUNICATION FOR

BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS
FORMATEES, KUMASI SECTOR, PASTORAL
CENTRE, KUMASI
APRIL 4TH TO 8TH 2016
QUESTIONS
You enter into a room. Almost everybody is in
conversation with another. However, there is one person
all by himself in a corner. Comment on this scenario.
You are sitting at a bus station waiting for a car. You see
a child of about 10 years old running and screaming and
crying. Comment on this scenario.
You are in a classroom. The teacher is busy teaching.
One of the students gets up from chair, climbs the desk
and starts singing and dancing. Comment on this
scenario.
Exercises
A volunteer to instruct others to draw.
Pair up to draw
Tell a story and pass it on.
I will draw …
QUESTIONS
What is being communicated?
How do we communicate?
Where do we communicate?
When do we communicate?
What do we communicate?
What is communication?
EXERCISES -- COMMUNICATION
-- DRAWING EXERCISES
-- STORY TELLING
-- DEVELOP A LIST OF POOR SPEAKING HABITS AND
POOR LISTENING HABITS
-- WHAT WILL I CHANGE AS A PERSON BY WAY OF
COMMUNICATION IN ORDER TO ENHANCE MY
RELATIONSHIPS IN THIS COMMUNITY AND
ELSEWHERE?
WHAT SHOULD WE, AS A GROUP, CHANGE BY WAY
OF COMMUNICATION PATTERN IN ORDER TO
BETTER OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE ANOTHER.
COMMUNICATION – INTRO.
No one is an island. We all have a need to relate!
Interpersonal relationship is key to the survival of the
person.
Closely linked with the development of interpersonal
relationship is the ability to COMMUNICATE.
Communication, then, is the foundation of all
interpersonal relationships.
Through communication we reach some understanding
of each other, learn to like, influence, and trust each
other, begin and end relationships, and learn more about
ourselves and how others perceive us
COMMUNICATION --INTRO
Through communication we learn to understand others as
individuals and we help others to understand us!
It takes two to communicate, and through the very act of
communicating with another person we begin or maintain a
relationship.
What prompts communication is our desire for someone
else to know what we know, to value what we value, to feel
what we feel, and to decide what we decide.
Communication can take many forms – media, faxes,
telephones, literary works (art, poems, songs, etc.), but our
emphasis here is on communicating for building
relationships.
What is communication?
It is the mutual sharing of ideas and feelings
It is a process by which information is exchanged between
individuals through a common system of symbols, signs or
behavior.
Communication involves the act of speaking and the art of
listening.
It is exchanging messages to achieve understanding of each
other’s perceptions, ideas, and experiences.
It has to do with listening and with expressing feelings in
relationships. Communication without listening is
inappropriate; communication without feeling is insensitive.
Other Definition
Interpersonal communication is any verbal or nonverbal
behavior that is perceived by another person. In other
words, communication is much more than the exchange
of words; all behavior conveys some message and is,
therefore, a form of communication.
Interpersonal communication is more commonly defined
as a message sent by a person to a receiver(s) with a
conscious intent of affecting the receiver’s behavior. For
example, a person sends the message, “How are you”? To
evoke the response, “Fine”. A teacher shakes his head to
get two students to stop throwing erasers at him.
Personal space & communication
Intimate: physical contact to one and a
half feet
Personal: one and a half feet to four
feet
Social: four feet to twelve feet
Public: twelve feet and beyond.
BASIC STEPS IN COMMUNICATION
MESSAGE

SENDER RECEIVER

EFFECTIVE
FEEDBACK
COMMUNICATION
STEPS IN COMMUNICATION
The sender is the communicator
The message is any verbal or nonverbal symbol that
one person transmits to another.
The message is intended for the receiver
The receiver is to give feedback
If feedback matches the message as it was intended for
the receiver, then one can say that effective
communication has taken place.
Components to communication
Verbal: words (both written and spoken)
Songs
Poems, etc.
Non verbal: eye contact, body posture, gestures, facial
expressions, voice tone/volume, etc. It is said that 80
to 90% of all communication is nonverbal.
The challenge is to bring both the verbal and
nonverbal into harmony so that one does not defy the
other.
Components - communication
As has been indicated, communication is the process by
which people create and send signals that they have
received, interpreted and responded to by other people.
Note these three key words: reception; interpretation;
response.
Every individual has the capacity to receive according to
the condition of all the faculties that are in place. For
example, sight, taste, hearing, touch and smell.
The senses help in the reception of the signals.
Therefore, if there is impairment, it makes
communication rather difficult.
DYNAMICS OF COMMUNICATION
Human communication is symbolic. Meaning is not
transferred from one person to another, rather messages
are sent and interpreted.
The person received the message, then in the process of
ENCODING we convert our thoughts, feelings, beliefs
and experiences into words, sounds and gestures and
hope that others would interpret it they way we mean.
The receiver uses the same process in reverse fashion:
thus DECODING it – interpreting to determine what was
meant. The issue here is more to do with WHAT WAS
MEANT than WHAT WAS SAID.
DYNAMICS
Signs: Non-verbal elements such as the tone of a voice;
face, body, etc. If you yell because you have heard
something unpleasant, there is a connection between
your feeling of dislike and the yell.
In contrast, symbols are created by people to represent
experiences, objects or concepts.
Symbols vary from culture to culture.
Communication is a transactional process. This
principle implies that participants in communication
need to cooperate and work together to achieve a
mutual meaning.
DYNAMICS
Communication is not always intentional. As long as
we are alive we communicate. You cannot NOT
communicate. Even silence is communication.
Communication involves content relationship and
affective levels – content is what is conveyed and
affective is how the recipient feels.
Preoccupation or lack of interest

Environmental factors (noise, visual distractions, etc)

Psychological blocks (preconceived ideas, past experiences, memories)

Emotions (emotions like anger or frustration block positive listening)

Differences in speaking and thinking rates

Negative intentions (the desire to control or manipulate the conversation)

What happens when
communication stops?
Suspicion
Jealousy
Prejudice
Gossip
Rumor-mongering
Interpret things my way. Mind you communication is
to help one rid himself or herself of misunderstanding.
Principles of effective communication
1. Effective communication means listening.
Listening is a powerful source of love.
Barriers to effective listening:
a. internal disturbance
b. judgmental listening
c. authoritarian attitude
d. misunderstanding silence
Principles
Aids to effective listening:
A. listen actively. I am involved with people who feel
that they are loved.
B. read non-verbal communication.
Principles contd.
2. we must encourage honest feedback: all these words
are important for good communication.
Encourage means that the other person should be
invited to share his or her ideas and feelings.
Honest means that we must convey a sense of security
that assures the other person that we can take in stride
any reaction that he or she may offer. The message
must be: “There may be some things you agree with
and don’t agree with. I need to hear both because I
want to understand what this means to you.”
Principles contd.
Feedback can give us important information which is needed
to make good decisions and develop good relationships with
others.
3. our communication must be direct: this affirms people.
This seems simple enough, yet it is one of the biggest causes of
failure in communication. Being indirect is easier in many
situations. One can be indirect by communicating by
“inference”.
Communication can be indirect by being subtle. Subtlety is
when a person expresses his thoughts about someone else to a
third party hoping the “word” will filter down to the person for
whom it was intended.
Principles contd.
4. Effective communication is timely: As little time as
possible should elapse between feeling the need to
communicate and the actual communication.
If the situation calls for the expression of unpleasant feelings
(anger, disappointment, criticism), the longer a person holds
in these feelings, the more likely they will be either over-
expressed (because they incubate) or under-expressed
(because they wear off ) or never expressed.
In none of these cases will the other person benefit from
knowing how the communication truly feels; hence, he or
she may over-adjust his or her behavior, or under-adjust it
or fail to adjust it at all.
Principles contd.
5. Effective communication is clear: (authentic).
Communication should be concise. It is helpful to
phrase mentally the one or two thoughts one wishes to
convey. When the time comes, a person is better
prepared to share those ideas in a concise manner.
There are several types of unclear messages:
A. one is the ambiguous message
B. inconsistent message
C. Double messages
Principles contd.
6. Effective communication is pure.
Communication is pure, when the stated purpose and
the real purpose of the communication are identical.
Contaminated communication occurs when there is a
discrepancy between the real and stated purposes.
7. Effective communication is constructive:
By constructive communication we mean that the
purpose of the communication is to better the other
person, not to tear him or her down or destroy him.
Principles contd.
8. Effective communication tolerates disagreement:
Disagreement often can be a necessary and constructive
form of communication, if it is understood and handled
properly.
Some disagreement is absolutely necessary to produce
new ideas and to question philosophies and procedures.
However, it is important to distinguish between
constructive and destructive disagreement.
Note: communication barriers cause
misunderstandings, apprehension, anxiety and
confusion for both sender and receiver.
SENDING MESSAGES EFFECTIVELY
How can you send messages effectively? What can you
do to ensure effective communication of your ideas
and feelings?
There are several ways senders of a message can
increase the likelihood that they will be understood.
The three basic requirements are: understandable
messages, credibility of the sender, and optimal
feedback on how the message is affecting the receiver.
Sending messages effectively
Clearly “own” your messages by using first person
singular pronouns: I, my. Personal ownership includes
clearly taking responsibility for the ideas and feelings
that are expressed. People disown their messages when
they use terms like “most people”, “some of our
friends,” and “our group”. Such terms make it difficult
to tell whether the people really think and feel what
they are saying or whether they are repeating the
thoughts and feelings of others.
Skills for effective verbal comm.
Simplicity: use commonly understood words. Be brief.
Complete sentences. Example: say, “The sooner you
face a situation the better” instead of “a blow that is
inevitably yours, earlier encountered extricates you
from impending catastrophe”.
Clarity: say exactly what you mean – what, how, why,
when, who and where of any specific event.
Obstacles to verbal clarity: vague speech – don’t come
to point/talk in circles/repeat/jump from one idea to
another.
Skills contd.
We are sometimes deliberately vague because:
We are trying to deceive, trying to manipulate, keep
secret our real motives/feelings
Trying to keep others at a distance; we are
insecure/fearful.
Hesitant speech: shy/unassertive/slow
Skills contd. – Double messages.
Make your messages complete and specific.
Make your verbal and nonverbal messages congruent
How? Avoid double message (not stating opinion openly).
We often use double messages when in conflict and when
we want to cover up (what do we say behind the door after
the meeting is over?)
Double messages are frustrating.
For example, I want to spend more time with you. Then
you choose where you want to spend the holiday.
Double messages can be avoided by honesty about TRUE
wants, needs, thoughts and feelings.
Skills contd.
Be redundant: repeating your messages more than one and
using more than one channel of communication (pictures,
written messages, others) will help the receiver understand
your message.
Ask for feedback concerning the way your messages are
received.
Adaptability: spoken message needs to be altered according
to behavioral cues from receiver. Make the message
appropriate to the receiver’s frame of reference. The same
information will be explained differently to an expert in the
field than to a novice; to a child than to an adult.
Skills contd.
Credibility: worthy of belief, trustworthy, reliable.
Timing and relevance: when and where you do it.
Be sensitive to other person’s needs and concerns.
Message needs to relate to person or person’s interests
and concerns.
Skills contd.
Describe other people’s behavior without evaluating or
interpreting. When reacting to the behavior of other
people, be sure to describe their behavior (“you keep
interrupting me”) rather than evaluating it (“You are a
rotten, self-centered egotist who won’t listen to anyone
else’s ideas).
Skills contd
One of the most important elements in interpersonal
communication is the credibility of the sender. Sender
credibility refers to the attitude the receiver has toward
the trustworthiness of the sender’s statements. Several
dimensions affect the credibility of the sender:
The reliability of the sender as an information source –
the sender’s dependability, predictability, and
consistency.
The intentions of the sender or the sender’s motives.
The sender should be open as to the effect she wants her
message to have upon the receiver.
Skills contd.
The expression of warmth and friendliness
The majority opinion of other people concerning the
trustworthiness of the sender. If all our friends tell us
the sender is trustworthy, we tend to believe it.
The sender’s relevant expertise on the topic under
discussion.
Skills for effective nonverbal
communication
We communicate by manner of dress, posture, body
tension, tone of voice, continuities in speech (such as rate,
duration, pauses), spatial distance, and touch.
It is the nonverbal messages that most clearly and
powerfully communicate liking, disliking, acceptance,
rejection, and interest or boredom.
1. eye contact: is one nonverbal way to provide information
such as liking, attentiveness, competence and credibility.
It regulates interaction in that eye contact has an
important role in initiating communication and in
maintaining a conversation once it has begun.
Skills –nonverbal communication
Eye contact expresses intimacy (people look more at
others whom they like than at those they dislike).
2. facial expressions and tone of voice: convey a variety
of emotions (but are culturally defined). For example,
smiles communicate friendliness, cooperativeness and
acceptance.
3. interpersonal distance is an important means of
conveying information: intimate, personal, social and
public define distances between people that
accompany different types of interchange.
Non-verbal - problems
It is difficult to know for sure what another person really
feels. For example, someone may say one thing but then do
another.
The same feeling can be expressed nonverbally in several
different ways. For example, anger can be expressed by
jumping up and down or by a frozen stillness. Happiness can
be expressed by laughter or by tears.
Wide differences among social groups as to the meaning of
nonverbal messages. For example, standing close to the
receiver may be a sign of warmth to a person from one
culture and a sign of aggressiveness to a person from another
culture.
Understand what listening is
The barriers to effective listening
Raise your awareness to the importance of
listening for effective communication
Attending and listening are part of the basic skills needed to communicate.
thoughts and feelings.

Attending refers to how your orient yourself physically toward another.

The goal is to communicate to the other that you are paying attention
So that you can facilitate their talking and openly about their thoughts and
feelings

Attending is most communicated through nonverbal behaviors – e.g. body

Posture, facial expression.
Example of INAPPROPRIATE attending and listening

You: (leaning back, arms folded, and looking at the ceiling)

(interrupts)
Example of APPROPRIATE attending and listening

You: (Using all the supportive nonverbal behaviors) “Hi. My name is Debbie. We have
A few minutes to talk today so that I can understand what’s going on for you. What
Would you like to talk about today?

You: (matches the other’s soft tone of voice)

You: (Um-hmm) (head nod)
Listening – the how to

It is an active process of attending, receiving information and making meaning

Understanding what is said comes with accurate interpretation of information

(both verbal and nonverbal)

When you are listening, see if you are truly engaged: “am I truly listening?” “And
Do I give the impression that I am listening?”
HOW TO GET BEHIND THE WORDS
Reflect on how you feel, how your body reacts in the
feelings of:
Anger
Disappointment
Excited
Anger: I feel like lashing out. My pulse increases. I get
indigestion. My eyes glare. etc.
Getting behind words
Disappointed: “I deflate like a balloon. I get mild
depression. My eyes go dull. I go quiet. I feel sad,
empty, quiet. I get angry. (Note how disappointment
can mask anger). I feel rejected, sick.
Excited: “I feel physically active. My eyes light up. I
feel light. I smile. I have more energy. I go off my food.
I talk more. My pulse increases. I socialize more. (Note
how some of these feelings are close to descriptions of
fear also).
Getting behind words
Different people use different words, and also HOW
THEY USE WORDS WHICH CAN DESCRIBE
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FEELINGS.
So. Check out what he/she means. Note there may be
cultural differences in expressions.
Importance of listening

Listening creates and improves personal relationships

Listening is a sign of affirmation (that you are important and worth listening to)

Communicates care and concern

When and where listening is learned

Listening is learned by doing – Practice makes a better listener

Learned through relations

Types of listeners
What is listening? This comprises the steps in hearing and
interpreting what is being said.
Hearing is the physiological process that involves the
reception of the sound waves by the ear.
Interpretation involves the processing of those sound waves
into meaningful concepts.
Someone who has very good hearing may be a poor listener
because he is hearing so many things including noises at the
same time.
On the other hand, the one with less ability to hear may be a
better listener because there are few noises and therefore less
distraction.
Ingredients of good listening
Paying attention to the context of what is being said
Paying attention to the feelings of the speaker
When the organizational pattern of the speaker is
confused good listeners ask for clarification.
When listening interpret silence carefully.
Silence may mean that people do not understand what
was said or they do not like it or disagree.
They may also be hoarding information for power play.
A timely placed question could help interpret silence
correctly.
Example
A deaf old man went to the hospital for treatment. On
his return his wife and children were still busy insulting
him. He went back for review and the Audiologist
expressed his joy and satisfaction about the old man’s
total recovery. The doctor said, “Sir, your wife and
children would be very happy about your recovery”. He
said to the doctor: “They keep laughing at me. I have
changed my Will for them two times already. They have
nothing to rejoice about now”. What is the situation?
The man regained his hearing and the wife and
children could not interpret his silence.
Empathic listening (putting yourself in another’s place, see from their perspective)

Receptive listening (listen without interruption, without judging, without desire to win,
Without problem solving)

Directive listening (asking questions that help you understand and empathize)
Question types may include: a) open questions; b) multiple questions
c) closed questions; d) leading questions, and e) why questions.
Open questions: they help to clarify and explore thoughts and feelings

Avoid asking specific questions that limit the nature of the person’s response
To a “yes”, or “no” or one or two word answer.

Examples: “How do you feel about that”; “Tell me how you feel about this issue”;
“how does it make you feel”; “what did you mean by that?”; “what thoughts come up
When you think about…”; “give me an example of what you do when you are angry,
Walk me through your behaviors step by step”;
Closed questions: they request one or two word answer; a “yes” or “no”
And are used to gather information

Examples:

“what was your test grade”?

“How old were you when your parents divorced”?
“Did what s/he said sound right to you?”
“Did I understand you correctly”?
Open and attentive body postures – e.g. a lean forward communicates interest;
Open arms

Positive eye contact – moderate amounts of nonintrusive eye contact;

Enough to make people feel attended to, but not stare or look intently without a
Break – that can feel intimidating or threatening

Facial expressions – avoid distracting nonverbal behaviors, interruption, etc

Head and body movements – avoid distracting nonverbal behaviors, e.g. touching;
A nod connotes understanding but use moderate amounts of this

Touching – touch only as and when it is appropriate according to the

Culture within which one is operating.

Verbal responses – use acknowledgments such as “um-hmm”; not “I know how you
Feel”; “don’t cry”, “enye hwe” and the like

Relax and be natural

BLOCKS TO LISTENING
Comparing: when one is talking and you are trying to
compare. I had a more difficult time. Shy children could do
it better.
Mind reading: trying to figure out what – you make
assumptions. E.g. I bet he is looking at my shirt. He is
turned off by my shyness.
Rehearsing: you have to look interested but you give a smile
because you have your own story to tell or point to make.
Filtering: when you filter you listen to some things and not
others. E.g. you pay enough attention to see if someone is
angry or unhappy. Another way is you avoid hearing certain
things particularly anything unpleasant or negative.
Blocks to listening
Judging: negative labels have enormous power. E.g.
Pre-judging someone as “stupid”, or “unqualified”. You
don’t pay attention to what they say.
Dreaming: half-listening and something the person
says triggers a chain of private association. E.g. Your
neighbor says that she’s been laid off, and in a flash
you are back to the scene where you were laid off for
playing ludo and you go on and on as to how ludo is a
great game.
Blocks to listening
Identifying: you take everything a person tells you and you
refer it back to your experience. E.g. they want to tell you
about a toothache, but that reminds you of the time you
had oral surgery for receding gums. You launch your story
before they can finish theirs.
Advising: you don’t have to hear more than a few sentences
and you start advising: you may lose some information.
Sparing: this block has you arguing and debating with
people. The other person never feels heard because you are
so quick to disagree. You take strong position and are clear
about your beliefs and preferences.
Blocks to listening
Being right: means you will go to any length (twist the
facts, start shouting, make excuses or accusations) to
avoid being wrong. You can’t listen to criticism, be
corrected and take suggestions.
Derailing: changing the subject or joking it off.
Placating: you want to be pleasant and nice so you
agree with everything – Use statements like “right”,
“absolutely”. Even then you only listen to a fraction to
get a gist.
When I ask you to listen to me and you
Start giving advice
You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you

Begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way, you are
Trampling on my feelings

When I ask you to listen to me and you

Feel you have to do
Something to solve my problems, you
Have failed me

Strange
As that may seem

So please, just listen and hear me

And if you want to talk
Wait a few minutes for your turn and
I promise I’ll listen
To you
EXERCISE
Develop a list of poor listening habits
Develop a list of poor speaking habits
FEEDBACK
After listening there is the need for feedback. This is
the final step in the communication transaction.
Feedback is the listener’s response to a message from
the sender. The feedback has many consequences:
A. it reduces the risk of misunderstanding
B. it affirms the value of the sender
C. it enables the sender to know if effective
communication has taken place.
Techniques for responding
1. Restating: involves listening for basic message and
then repeating those thoughts or feelings in similar
words.
Purpose: to check our meaning and interpretation with
the others’; to show you are listening and that you
understand what he is saying; to encourage him to
analyze other aspects of the matter being considered
and to discuss it with you.
Action: “As I understand it then, your plan is …” or “This
is what you have decided to do and the reasons are …”.
Techniques for responding
2. Clarifying: a method of making messages more
understandable (both ways). Some use paraphrasing.
Purpose: to get at additional facts; to help one explore
all sides of a problem.
Action: “Can you clarify this?” “Do you mean this …?”
“Is this the problem as you see it now?”
3. Use open-ended questions and statements:
“How did you feel”? What do you think? Would you
tell me? Or Tell me about that. Questions of “what” or
“how” encourage expression of thoughts or feelings.
Techniques for responding
4. Focusing: may be an idea or feeling. Wait until
person has talked about main concerns before
focusing on one aspect.
5. Be specific not general: (e.g. you cut your finger).
Be tentative not absolute. (e.g. you seem
unconcerned)
Be informative not demanding. (e.g. I haven’t finished
yet).
6. Using touch: need to be sensitive to differences in
attitudes and practices.
Techniques for responding
7. Using silence: natural pauses or silences used to
recall a name or event or to put thoughts or feelings
into most accurate words possible. Need to learn to be
silent and wait patiently.
8. Be neutral:
Purpose: to convey that you are interested and
listening; to encourage person to continue talking.
Action: “I see”. “That’s very interesting”. “I
understand”. “Uh-huh”
Techniques for responding
 9. Be reflective:
 Purpose: to show that you understand how he feels about what he is
saying; to help the person to evaluate and temper his own feelings as
expressed by someone else.
 Action: “You feel that …”, “It was a shocking things as you saw it”, “You felt
you didn’t get a fair share”.
 10. Providing general leads: encourages person to verbalize. E.g. “perhaps
you would like to talk about it”
 11. Summarizing:
 Purpose: to bring all the discussion into focus in terms of a summary; to
serve as a spring board for further discussion on a new aspect or problem,
but no new material is added.
 Action: “these are the key ideas you have expressed…” “If I understand
how you feel about the situation…”
Blocking responses
Failing to listen
Unwarranted reassurance: E.g. “You’ll feel better soon”
or “don’t worry”.
Judgmental responses: (other person must think, feel
or act like me to be accepted).
Approval & disapproval: E.g. That’s good. That’s bad.
You shouldn’t do that.
Common advice – removes decision-making control.
It fosters dependence. Expert advice can be helpful.
Blocking responses
Stereotypes: men don’t cry. Everybody has bad days.
Defensive responses: person offers opinion or
comment and responder protects weakness. E.g. You
have no right to complain.
Agreement/disagreement: right/wrong
Probing/prying: testing and challenging responses –
why questions.
 LISTEN -- POEM
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice
you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to
me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are stepping on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do
something to solve my problems, you have failed me, strange
as that may seem.
Listen: All I asked was that you listen. Not talk or do – just
hear me. Advice is cheap – I can do for myself. I’m not
helpless. Maybe discouraged, but not helpless. When you do
something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you
contribute to my fear and weakness.
Poem contd.
 But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how strange that seems, then I can quit trying to
convince you and can get about the business of understanding
what’s behind this strange feeling.
 And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need
advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand
what’s behind them.
 Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people,
because God is quiet and He doesn’t give advice or try to fix
things. He just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.
 So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a
minute for your turn; and I’ll listen to you. – Author Unknown.
How tension and defensiveness arise in the
communication process
1. A first step would be to keep other people from
expressing their own ideas.
People have a simple need to be heard, to have their ideas
made visible. However, not to be even recognized or heard
is an intolerable situation for most of us.
Thus, there will be tension in a group if it is dominated by
a few vociferous individuals while others listen passively.
2. Closely linked to this situation is one in which
individuals respond with such certainty and force that only
a full-scale verbal war would change their opinions.
People naturally don’t like to be pushed.
Tension and defensiveness
3. Communication is also damaged when individuals
do not trust the group enough to share what they
really feel or think.
The problem is that when we fail to express our
feelings, others tend to read into this lack of
expression what they believe we are feeling or
thinking.
Three elements of quality comm.
Frequency of communication –
frequent, informal
Depth
The way I communicate.
Communicating in a threatening way
doesn’t help much.
Qualities necessary in comm. to build
relationships
There are certain qualities that one can develop to
build relationships while we are in the process of
communicating. Some of these are:
Presence: to be really present to another person we
must give them our full attention. By the way we
respond, the other person senses a feeling of
acceptance and interest. It requires time to develop a
sense of presence.
Qualities - listening
Listening: is what a person does while “attending”.
Communicating “listening” physically requires:
Face the other person … (I am available to you).
Maintain good eye contact … (not stares or glares).
Lean toward the other person (may be reserved until
relationship develops).
Maintain an open posture (neither legs or arms are
crossed).
Remain calm (take time to respond).
Qualities - listening
Listening means to be open to words, thoughts and
feelings of others, whether expressed or unexpressed.
Listening requires sensitivity, understanding and Not
judging.
It is not taking responsibility for or attempting to mold
the other person.
Listening requires concentration, an open mind, and an
interest in what is being said as well as understanding
the meaning.
To be a good listener, you must focus complete attention
on the other.
Qualities – perception/caring
Perception: have to do with understanding the other
person’s point of view or frame of reference.
Actions are the direct result of one’s perceptions.
Communication is based on respect for other people’s
perceptions.
Caring: involves helping others to grow. You must
communicate knowing, patience, honesty,
genuineness, trust, hope and courage.
It involves extending oneself – “care for” as well as
“care about”.
Qualities – disclosure/acceptance
 Disclosure: is the process of revealing your thoughts and feelings to another.
 It is a two-way process necessary for development of a healthy personality. It
is essential for personal growth and is an essential pre-condition for
communication.
 Acceptance: of feelings will allow a person to grow toward healthy
becoming, maturity and responsibility.
 Acceptance in a relationship is marked by respect. It is related to
forgiveness. You recognize the undesirable or negative aspects of that
behavior, but you intentionally minimize these aspects. At the same time
you focus on those characteristics that are most pleasing and reassuring to
the other.
 You do not impose directions for growth. Rather you allow the direction of
the other’s growth to guide what is communicated and to help determine
the response.
Qualities – empathy/authenticity
Empathy: is the ability to perceive the internal frame of
reference of another with accuracy. Putting yourself in
the place of the other.
You are tuned into present thoughts and feelings and
verbally and nonverbally convey this understanding.
Authenticity: is necessary for a trusting relationship.
Genuineness means a person is honest in sharing
thoughts, feelings and experiences with another.
The authentic person is one who is aware of internal
feelings and thoughts and expresses these accurately,
both verbally and non-verbally.
Qualities - respect
Respect: is having a positive regard for another person.
It conveys warmth, liking and acceptance of another as
a person of worth.
Respect is a deep caring despite the other person’s
weaknesses. It is interest and belief in a person’s ability
to solve problems and choose positive actions.
Respect is essential for health and growth.
When you do not have the skills to
communicate effectively
Labels: E.g. You are rude, self-centered versus when
you interrupt me I get angry.
Commands: “Shut up” versus “I am annoyed at what
you just said”.
Questions: “Are you always that crazy”? Versus “you
are acting strangely and I feel worried.”
Accusations: “You do not care about me” versus “when
you do not pay attention to me I feel left out”.
Sarcasm: “I am glad you are early” versus “You are late,
it has delayed our work and that irritates me”.
Contd.
Disapproval: “you are terrible” versus “I do not like
you”
Name calling: “You are a creep” versus “you are
embarrassing me”.
CONCLUSION
COMMUNICATION is essential to the building of
interpersonalrelationships.
l relationships are an end as well as a means toward
reaching maturity.
As a means to an end, interpersonal relationships make
possible understanding of self and others. Interpersonal
relationships change perception of self and others.
As an end, interpersonal relationships are a combined
demonstration of the individual’s acquired ability and
skill both to COMMUNICATE and to express a set of
values and attitudes.