Parenting skills

P a r e n t i n g S k i l l s |2
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1.0 Objectives
1.1 Introduction
1.2 Definition
1.3 Parenting and Genetic influence in Parenting
1.3.1 Parenting
1.3.2. Genetics
2. Parenting Styles
2.1 Authoritarian
2.2 Authoritative
2.3 Indulgent
2.4 Uninvolved
3. Parenting Skills
3.1 The First Skill: ENCOURAGEMENT
3.2 The Second Skill: CAN DO
3.3 The Third Skill: CHOICES
3.4 The Fourth Skill: SELF-CONTROL
3.5 The Fifth Skill: RESPECTING FEELINGS
3.6 The Sixth Skill: AVAILABILITY
3.7 The Seventh Skill: APPRECIATION
3.8 The Eighth Skill: AFFECTION
3.9 The Ninth Skill: ACCEPTANCE
3.10 The Tenth Skill: SHOW LOVE
3.11 The Eleventh Skill: LISTENING
3.12 The Twelfth Skill: CREATING SAFETY FEELING
3.13 The Thirteenth Skill: PROVIDE ORDER AND ORGANIZATION

4. Parenting Skills for Disabled
4.1 CONTINUE TO USE RECOMMENDED PARENTING STRATEGIES
4.2. KEEP YOUR COOL
4.3 DON’T LET THEM PUSH YOUR BUTTONS
4.4 CLEAR RULES, EXPECTATIONS AND CONSEQUENCES ARE NEEDED
4.5 CHOOSE THE TOPIC AND DIRECTION OF CONVERSATION
4.6 CHOOSE THE TIMING OF A CONFRONTATION
4.7 ESTABLISH THE MOOD OF A CONFRONTATION
4.8 SEEK TO AVOID OUTRIGHT POWER STRUGGLES AND STAND-OFFS
4.9 DO NOT LET THEIR NEGATIVE MOODS DOMINATE YOU AND YOUR
FAMILY
4.10 BE CREATIVE, USING A MIXTURE OF POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE
CONSEQUENCES
4.11 USE TWO-TIER CONSEQUENCES
4.12 DISCIPLINARY CONSEQUENCES HAVE TO WORK FOR THE PARENT TOO
4.13 CATCH THEM BEING GOOD
4.14 USE DIVERSION STRATEGIES
4.15 ORGANIZE THE ADULTS
4.16 RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN ODD PATTERNS
4.17 LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
4.18 BE REALISTIC ABOUT PROFESSIONAL ASSISTANCE
5. Parenting Skills and Child Development
5.1 Creating a Physical Body
5.2 Creating Emotional Foundations
5.3 Establishing a Rich Connection with the Prenate
6. References

1.0Objectives
After going through this, you should be able to:
• understand various types of parenting;
• describe various parenting skills;
• describe about the genetic factor in parenting;
• parenting skills necessary to handle disabled children
1.1 Introduction
Being a parent is probably the most important job we can do in our lives. To parent positively we
need to understand what it takes to do the job well. The more we understand about a child’s
development and needs, the more we can be aware of what it takes to create healthy
environments for children to thrive.
Throughout human history, people have lived in small, close-knit communities, but today not all
parents have relatives nearby to support them and give guidance on raising a child. In some ways
we intuitively know how to make good and wise decisions about parenting, but sometimes the
stresses and mixed messages of the world can make it difficult. Therefore, we need to take every
opportunity to learn more about what it takes to parent effectively.
1.2 Definition
Parenting is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and
intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. Parenting refers to the activity of
raising a child rather than the biological relationship. (Davies, Martin (2000). The Blackwell
encyclopaedia of social work. Wiley-Blackwell. p. 245)
1.3 Parenting and Genetic influence in Parenting
1.3.1 Parenting
Becoming a parent is an opportunity to participate in one of the deepest emotional experiences
that life offers. The arrival of a baby tends to bring with it an increased sense of responsibility
and an upsurge of all our fears and hopes. As parents we have the extraordinary task of nurturing
an entirely dependent, entirely trusting, brand new, miraculous little self through the eighteen or
twenty some years of childhood and adolescence. Babies commit us to nurture the seeds of a
future adulthood. Most of us long to provide our babies with a solid enough emotional
foundation that they will be able to grow up and have satisfying adult lives of their own.
However, we tend to think that because we have had the experience of being a child that grew
up, we should know how to parent the emotional life of a child without help. If we do get help
with parenting, even most parenting classes tend to focus on how to get children to behave,

without abusing them. Due to the stress of modern life, it's easy to get caught up in just dealing
with the problem that comes up in the moment. Understanding the emotional development of our
infants and what they need from us to nurture their emotional life will greatly increase our ability
to give them the best possible start. While it is true that some of parenting is instinctive, it is also
true that much is learned. This understanding is relatively new, and our information can now be
updated.
We have learned so much from psychology and especially infant researchers in the last twenty-
five years. Through observation with new technology, we are the first generation to know about
life before birth, witnessing many aspects of intelligence at work. Now we know that
consciousness begins before birth. What does this mean for parents? It means we have a special
responsibility to treat our babies as conscious intelligent beings from the beginning. And since
they come into their relationship with us from a state of total dependency and helplessness ready
to love us and trust us completely.
Conscious Parenting: Bonding, Mirroring, and Separating Skills
Learning the developmental themes of bonding, mirroring, and separating and the skills that
support them from early on will give your baby the best possible start. These themes are ongoing
and lifelong. We all need to be attached and bonded. We all need to feel understood, and we all
need to be respected as an individual with experiences and feelings of our own.
The foetus experiences the mother's emotions in uterus through her hormones in the amniotic
fluid; this increasing calmness also help the baby's development.
Looking back at our own feelings growing up will help us become more conscious and better
parents. Did we feel close and attached? Did we feel understood? Were we treated as an
individual even when we were little? Our own tender spots will reoccur with our babies. Owning
these tender spots and separating them from our babies breaks the chain. If our parents
inadvertently hurt us, repairing the injury and not passing it on is just what they would want!
Bonding takes place through affectionate contact. Loving presence, touch, eye contact, and
sound.
Empathic mirroring is a listening skill. Reflecting to the baby that you hear and understand and
are attuned to her or his communication both secures the bond and supports individual
development.
Even during birth, babies are having their own experience. Babies feel the pressure of the
contractions, and use all their energy, and their hands and feet to help push their way out. When
mom has a hard time during labour, the baby may have a hard time emotionally, feeling scared.
When someone at the birth can be there for the emotional needs of the baby, explaining what is

happening, mirroring and reassuring, the emotional trauma of birth for the baby is greatly
reduced.
Separating means, owning our own feelings and expressing them as our own - making "I"
statements. This is important because we are not saints and do not have perfect feelings. For
example, telling a startled newborn with kindness, "I see you got startled when mommy and
daddy yelled and had a fight. Grown-ups get angry sometimes, especially when we are tired.
You're okay, we love you," mediates the effect of the fighting. Even though it is true that adult
fighting stresses children (even in uterus), never feeling angry is an unreasonable expectation to
have for either ourselves or our children.
Conscious parenting will allow us to raise children whose individual identity becomes their
reference point, the inner place from which they feel connected with others. The children, who
feel good inside, care about others. When they can count on their deep need and ability to be
emotionally attached to us to provide a relationship within which they will be cared for and
listened to from an understanding and open adult heart, they have the opportunity to become the
future citizens that our planet needs.
1.3.2. Genetics
There is clear evidence that parents can and do influence children. There is equally clear
evidence that children’s genetic makeup affects their own behavioural characteristics, and also
influences the way they are treated by their parents. Twin and adoption studies provide a sound
basis for estimating the strength of genetic effects, although heritability estimates for a given trait
vary widely across samples, and no single estimate can be considered definitive.
For nearly a hundred years, we have been enslaved with the notion that our fate is locked in our
genes. This vision, grounded in the dogma of traditional medical sciences, perceives that
organismal development represents a simple read-out of inherited genetic programs. The dogma,
officially couched as the "primacy of DNA," concedes that genes play a causal role in controlling
biological expression and behaviour by their ability to turn themselves on and off. This
perspective on the role of genes has lead to the concept of "genetic determinacy," the idea that
our lives are predetermined by the hard-wiring of gene programs. Whenever deviations in
behaviour or alterations in physiology arise, genetic determinists immediately attribute them to
genetic defects or mutations.
"Maternal effects provide a powerful avenue for [altering] the course of the future by adding
information content and material content. That content can be…anything that can influence how
an embryo develops" [ibid]. In regard to influential material content, the role of the mother’s
biochemistry in foetal development is well known. We are particularly sensitive to the
importance of maintaining appropriate nutritional status during pregnancy. The focus of more
recent investigations has drawn public attention to the debilitating nature of maternal toxins and
drugs, such as cigarette smoke, alcohol and crack cocaine.

Most people is in some way familiar with the impact that the mother’s material (chemical)
content has upon human development. However, very few are aware that the mother also passes
on information content to the foetus during pregnancy. The information relayed by the mother to
the foetus concerns the status of the environment. This status is conveyed in the mother’s
perceived attitudes about life. The mother’s emotions, such as fear, anger, love, hope among
others, can biochemically alter the genetic expression of the offspring. Our perceptions of the
environment, and their attendant emotions, elicit physiological responses in the body by
releasing "signal" molecules into the blood. Blood-borne emotion-related signals activate
specific receptor proteins on the surfaces of cells in tissues and organs. Activated receptors serve
as molecular switches that adjust the metabolic system and behaviour of the organism, so as to
accommodate environmental challenges. Physiologic responses to environmental signals include
regulations of the nervous system, endocrine organs, and the cardiovascular, respiratory,
digestive and excretory functions.
During pregnancy, the parent’s perception of the environment is chemically communicated to the
foetus through the placenta, the cellular barrier between the maternal and foetal blood. The
mother’s blood-borne emotional chemicals cross the placenta and affect the same target cells in
the foetus as those in the parent. Though the developing child is "unaware" of the details (i.e., the
stories) evoking the mother’s emotional response, they are aware of the emotion’s physiological
consequences and sensations.
While developing in the safety and confinement of the uterus, the child is provided a preview of
the environment as it is defined by the parent’s perception and behaviour. Parental behaviours
are generally cyclic, and when repeated, they serve to habituate the developing behavioural
chemistry in the foetus. Consequently, parental perceptions and responses to environmental
stress are imparted to the offspring and serve in programming its behavioural expression.
Behavioural "memories" are in part related to the appearance of specialized cell and tissue
protein receptors which serve as "filters" in remembering past signals. Behavioural "filters"
acquired during pre-and perinatal "programming" is Nature’s way of preparing the neonate to
function in the parent’s environment. Technically, these "learned" filters would enable the child
to adapt more quickly and successfully to the home environment. The parents’ experiences help
"preprogram" the behaviour of the child, so that it may more effectively deal with environmental
exigencies.
New research regarding maternal and environmental influences on gene expression urgently
underscores the need for us to recognize the concept of "conscious parenting." In conscious
parenting, the concept of a "family" becomes a reality from the moment of conception. Parents
must be consciously aware that from the idea of conceiving a baby and all the way through its
pre- and postnatal development, their thoughts, attitudes and behaviours will profoundly
influence their child’s development and health.

2. Parenting Styles
Psychologist Diana Baumrind (1971, 1991) identified four patterns of parenting styles based
upon two aspects of parenting behaviour: control and warmth. Parental control refers to the
degree to which parents manage their children’s behaviour—from being very controlling to
setting few rules and demands. Parental warmth refers to the degree to which parents are
accepting and responsive of their children’s behaviour as opposed to being unresponsive and
rejecting. When the two aspects of parenting behaviour are combined in different ways, four
primary parenting styles emerge.
2.1 Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents are highly demanding and directive, but not responsive. "They are
obedience and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation"
(Baumrind, 1991, p. 62). These parents provide well-ordered and structured environments with
clearly stated rules. Authoritarian parents can be divided into two types: nonauthoritarian-
directive, who are directive, but not intrusive or autocratic in their use of power, and
authoritarian-directive, who are highly intrusive.
2.2 Authoritative
Authoritative parents are both demanding and responsive. "They monitor and impart clear
standards for their children's conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their
disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive
as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative" (Baumrind, 1991, p.
62).
2.3 Indulgent
Indulgent parents (also referred to as "permissive" or "nondirective") are more responsive than
they are demanding. They are non-traditional and lenient, do not require mature behaviour, allow
considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation" (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62). Indulgent parents
may be further divided into two types: democratic parents, who, though lenient, are more
conscientious, engaged, and committed to the child, and nondirective parents.
2.4 Uninvolved
Uninvolved parents are low in both responsiveness and demandingness. In extreme cases, this
parenting style might encompass both rejecting-neglecting and neglectful parents, although most
parents of this type fall within the normal range. Parenting style is a typology, rather than a linear
combination of responsiveness and demandingness, each parenting style is more than and
different from the sum of its parts (Baumrind, 1991).

In addition to differing on responsiveness and demandingness, the parenting styles also differ in
the extent to which they are characterized by a third dimension: psychological control.
Psychological control "refers to control attempts that intrude into the psychological and
emotional development of the child" (Barber, 1996, p. 329) through use of parenting practices
such as guilt induction, withdrawal of love, or shaming.
3. Parenting Skills
Parenting is a process; parents change and grow to meet the needs of their children. It is
important to remember that change is gradual; for parents to learn new ways can be scary,
difficult, and even confusing for both children and adults. Parents influence their children’s
behaviour and children affect parents’ behaviour.
Good parenting contrary to general believe, is a full time work. Therefore, one of the major keys
of good parenting is to know some mistakes that can be made by parents and learn your lessons
from it in case of the other time. Parenting is a skill and it’s a hard one to learn at that.
3.1 The First Skill: ENCOURAGEMENT
Encouragement is a socialization skill grounded in respect for self and others. By using
Encouragement parents learn to appreciate their child’s abilities. Encouragement gives parents a
way to express their good feelings toward the child. It also helps them recognize their child’s
efforts despite mistakes in behaviour or learning.
Everyone benefits from the encouragement of others. Parents also gain an awareness of their
own strengths and abilities. When parents feel encouraged by others, they feel better about
themselves. When parents feel discouraged about the behaviour of their children or the
interactions within their families, they may find it difficult to practice Encouragement. They may
name misbehaviour as their child’s most outstanding attribute.
Children benefit from knowing that their parents approve of them. When children try to do
something new or to do something for others, parents can use encouragement to show
appreciation.
By observing their children and using encouragement, parents show children the behaviour they
value. Parents can name specific behaviours with sentences such as “She likes to help pick out
her own pants,” “He tries to help make his bed,”
Sometimes a parent will have to think carefully to separate helpful, positive behaviour from
frustrating or annoying aspects. For example, when a child tries to help with the dishes but gets
water all over the floor, recognize the helpful feeling and appreciate the contribution, then make
light of the mess. A perfect time to use encouragement is when a child begins to do something
that a parent would like to see him or her continue to do. Parents get very excited when their

baby first starts to walk. Walking takes a lot of effort and practice, a lot of falling down and
getting up. Seeing a child’s first steps is thrilling. Parents feel good when this happens.
When we tell children that we notice good things they do, they learn to appreciate their own best
behaviour. Children who are comfortable with themselves and feel encouraged have high self-
esteem. It is easy for parents to take children’s good behaviour for granted and miss the chance
to teach them to value their special qualities and talents.
An important part of this step is that parents pay attention to their child’s reaction. Some children
may be curious, some self-conscious, some suspicious. Most children will be grateful and
pleased that their parent was paying attention to them and took the time to say something.
3.2 The Second Skill: CAN DO
CAN DO teaches parents how to redirect children’s behaviour. By using friendly, positive
messages such as “Try this,” “Do this,” “Have this,” “Here,” parents teach children to act in
appropriate ways. Changing “Don’t leave your clothes on the floor” to “Pick up your clothes and
put them in the hamper” gives children the information they need to do what is expected.
Young children will respond to similar but safer or more appropriate behaviour alternatives with
a little guidance from parents. As children grow older, they continue to appreciate being told
what they can do as opposed to being told what they cannot do. CAN DO helps parents set limits
on children’s behaviour in constructive, appropriate ways.
Overusing negative words reduces parents’ effective influence with their children. “No,”
“Don’t,” “Stop,” and “Quit,” when used too often, when you are annoyed or impatient, or when
your children are acting out, will soon lose their impact. Strong words like these are most
effective when saved for emergency situations. Find ways to change “No, don’t” to “Yes, you
can do this instead.”
CAN DO enables children to be creative and curious without exceeding boundaries of safety and
respect for others. It also helps to create a more positive, supportive family environment.
Children are able to cooperate when they know what is expected of them. Telling children what
to do instead of what not to do teaches them to think about alternative ways of behaviour, the
first step in creative problem solving.
Children need outlets for emotions and energy; parents can help children learn how to manage
these needs in effective and appropriate ways. Changing from jumping wildly to colouring
quietly is a huge leap for most kids that they will resist.
Using a firm, friendly voice, tell your child what you want her or him to do. A statement that
ends with “okay?” or a question such as “Would you like to colour instead of jumping on the
bed?” gives the child the choice not to cooperate and creates confusion. Statements like

“Jumping on the bed is not safe. You need to play out in the yard,” spoken in a respectful,
confident manner are more effective.
3.3 The Third Skill: CHOICES
CHOICES builds on the ENCOURAGEMENT and CAN DO skills to develop cooperation
between parent and child. Parents are asked to be open minded and allow children to become
increasingly involved in determining the resolution to a shared problem. This is a skill to use
when children can help with a decision or plan the solution. By giving parents a way to share
responsibility with children, CHOICES can reduce parents’ anxiety about feeling that they must
control every situation.
Children gain the opportunity to learn personal responsibility and decision making to increase
their independence.
CHOICES is very different from CAN DO, and the distinction should be made clear. Parents
may give their children alternative CAN DO’S (“You can do ‘A’ or you can do ‘B.’ Which one
do you want to do?”), but that is not the same as CHOICES, in which parents and children find a
cooperative resolution. The family works together to reach a decision.
CHOICES is a negotiation skill that respects the rights of both parent and child. Sometimes it is
hard to allow children a voice in the process. Some parents find it uncomfortable or difficult to
understand how valuable it is to do so. At other times parents undervalue their own responsibility
in the decision-making process and let their children have more freedom than is comfortable for
the parent or appropriate for the child.
There is an underlying understanding in applying this skill that the parent must be sure the
choices are safe and reasonable for all parties involved. This means respecting the parent’s own
needs as well as recognizing and respecting the child’s needs. Parenting is a responsibility, but
with this skill decision making is collaborative and family members strengthen their shared
commitment.
This skill is one of the foundations of self-discipline. A child who learns how to make choices
effectively has acquired the skills for responsible decision making throughout life.
The age and maturity of the child will influence how many options are considered and which
ones are appropriate. The younger the child, the more a parent will need to guide the process.
Too much responsibility can be overwhelming for a young child, who may become discouraged.
Older children, however, need opportunities for increased responsibility and will tend to resist
restrictive options. The complexity of the situation, the ages of the children, and the comfort
level of the parents all influence the discussion.
It is very important that children contribute ideas. By doing so they begin to feel a part of the
planning and, later, of the solution to the problem. Children will quickly develop many ideas. A

child who contributes creative ideas becomes a good problem solver, a cooperative playmate,
and a resourceful student.
3.4 The Fourth Skill: SELF-CONTROL
When parents effectively handle their own emotions they teach their children to do the same. The
way parents choose to handle themselves in explosive situations models ways for their children
to behave when angry or upset. SELFCONTROL is something all parents need.
SELF-CONTROL is a skill to help parents avoid acting hurtfully toward their children. By
gaining self-control before deciding how to act with their children, parents can interact with their
children in helpful ways, even during stressful moments.
A person is more likely to lose self-control if life is generally stressful. Family problems, an
unhealthy community environment, poverty, and poor health are examples of problems that
contribute to underlying stress. Misbehaviour on the part of children may simply be the factor
that causes the parent to lose self-control.
Using SELF-CONTROL will help parents stop before acting impulsively. As adults become
more aware of the early signs of frustration, they begin to slow down their first response and
think about alternatives to unconstrained behaviour while planning a more rational response. The
SELFCONTROL skill is intended to help parents understand the effect emotions have on the
body and become aware of their personal signs of increasing agitation.
3.5 The Fifth Skill: RESPECTING FEELINGS
RESPECTING FEELINGS is an empathy-building skill. It helps people acknowledge that
everyone has feelings, usually a wide range of them. Sometimes these feelings are so strong they
become confusing or overwhelming. Usually it helps to talk about these emotions with another
person who will listen respectfully. RESPECTING FEELINGS is a skill to practice giving
attention to another person and listening for feelings.
A parent can help a child learn to understand the importance of her or his feelings by using this
skill. Taking time to listen to a child does not require that you agree with him. It does require that
you accept the child’s right to have feelings, even when they are different from yours. Because
there is a connection between how children feel and how they behave, it is important to watch
them interacting with others and acting on their own.
Some parents have difficulty separating the way they themselves feel from what their children
are telling them. The challenge in this skill is for parents to put aside their own feelings and
listen carefully to hear how the child is feeling.
RESPECTING FEELINGS is a “reflecting” skill. RESPECTING FEELINGS gives children the
chance to think out loud. It teaches children to respect themselves and to respect the feelings of

others. It acknowledges the importance of their feelings, their right to these feelings, and their
value as human beings. Parents may also find that this skill helps them become more comfortable
with and responsible for their own emotions.
RESPECTING FEELINGS is not intended to be a problem-solving skill. Giving children the
opportunity to talk about strong emotions clears the air before making a plan to handle the
distress.
3.6 The Sixth Skill: AVAILABILITY
Always make yourself available for your children. Make sure that you are there for him or her
when you are needed especially. Give yourself to them and let them feel your availability. Make
them feel that they are important beings to you. Create a certain time or period and spend with
them every day. Dedicate a quality period to them. It might be having a short walk with them,
watch their favourite program with them on television or reading book with them. Spending
money on them is not the issue but showing them love and let them know.
3.7 The Seventh Skill: APPRECIATION
This is another technique of good parenting skills. This strong drive leads to good behaviour in
children. It is very motivating to appreciate your children. Show your appreciation to your
children whenever they behave very well. When they do something good, appreciate them
because everybody loves encouragements as children are highly sensitive to been appreciated.
Appreciation is a technique that assists your children to know the different between the wrong
and the right thing. The potentials of been of good behaviour continue to show forth in them
when they are appreciated the more on their good behaviour.
3.8 The Eighth Skill: AFFECTION
Everybody wants to be loved most especially the children. Children always look for means by
which they can be loved by their parents and outsiders. You as parent are their point of
concentration. Your children will love to please base on their originality. You have to know that
the fundamental and principle of a durable relationship between parent and children is love.
Therefore, love your children and let them know that you love them.
3.9 The Ninth Skill: ACCEPTANCE
Both parents and young children love to be accepted. As you are moving contrary to your way,
let them know that they are accepted for any reasons. By so doing, they will have a level of self
worth and rate high their level of self esteem. Acceptance in good parenting makes your children
to feel being secured. If you refuse to show the act of acceptance to your children, then they
cannot get it anywhere and they know it.

3.10 The Tenth Skill: SHOW LOVE
Always give your children a lot of love. Tell them “I love you” and make sure they know that
they are special to you. Provide them with a lot of hugs and kisses and always be there when they
need a shoulder to cry on.
3.11 The Eleventh Skill: LISTENING
Listening to your children really stresses to them that they are important. No matter how strange
or ridiculous it may be, listen to your child’s stories, ideas and complaints. When you listen to
your children then they know that you are interested in what they have to say. Don’t just pretend
to be listening, as children can quickly see that you are really not that interested and that you are
just pretending.
3.12 The Twelfth Skill: CREATING SAFETY FEELING
Children are defenceless in life and things they don’t understand or are scary to them may easily
scare them. Comforting your child at every stage in life will provide them with the security they
need. They need to know that you are there for them and that you will protect them. They also
need to see that you have taken steps to protect them.
3.13 The Thirteenth Skill: PROVIDE ORDER AND ORGANIZATION
Children need a regular and daily schedule. They need to have meals, naps and bedtimes at
consistent times throughout the day. When they come home they need to do their homework and
their chores before they can play. Before they go to bed then they need to take a bath, brush their
teeth and get their school supplies ready first. When they get up in the morning they need to eat
breakfast, get dressed, brush their teeth, get their belongings together and then they can use any
extra time they have for television or a game.
What a positive attitude can do is give parents the fortitude needed to consistently apply good
parenting techniques. Some parents give in to negative thinking. They nag outrageous
ultimatums at kids rather than actually enforce a reasonable consequence. With children as
sparring partners, they participate in round after round of endless power struggles, never taking
decisive steps to stop the fight.
They completely give in to doom and gloom, casting a haunting shadow on family life.
Negative attitudes that escalate into endless power struggles can’t masquerade as good parenting.
Parents who wallow in negativity end up with ill-behaved and resentful kids. But even worse,
they pass their negative outlook onto their children.
Remember, parents are kids’ first and most influential models. It is our pathway they follow.
When children inherit a positive approach to life, they are much better prepared to live a good

life of their own. And they are much more likely to practice responsible, positive parenting with
their own children.
When you have trouble staying positive, it can be helpful to face up to your negative approach.
Once patterns are rooted out and identified, purposefully replace pessimism with more positive
thoughts.
4. Parenting Skills for Disabled
4.1 CONTINUE TO USE RECOMMENDED PARENTING STRATEGIES
While the ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) type of child may sometimes require strategies
that go beyond ordinary parenting approaches, demonstrated effective parenting strategies are
still to be recommended. Structure, rules, limits, consequences, chores, family meetings and
other ideas described in most parenting books or courses should still be the “backbone” of your
approach.
4.2 KEEP YOUR COOL
Typically, ODD children see themselves as a “little adults” in a world where adults are not
necessarily deserving of their respect. Indeed, these children seem to draw energy off of adult
frustration, upset or uncertainty. By handling yourself in a calm, reasonable and adult fashion,
you are presenting yourself as a positive role model deserving of their attention and respect.
4.3 DON’T LET THEM PUSH YOUR BUTTONS
These children are sometimes experts at finding the approach and the timing that is most likely to
upset their parent. Identify what tends to bother you most easily and be prepared to respond
minimally or in a fashion that shows that they did not “get to you”.
4.4 CLEAR RULES, EXPECTATIONS AND CONSEQUENCES ARE NEEDED
If there is any inconsistency or ambiguity, these children will recognize it and exploit it.
Different rules or approaches between important caregivers will add to the idea that “adults don’t
know what they are doing”. Like junior lawyers, they will pick apart and argue about perceived
unfairness or inconsistencies. Lay out their “choices”.
4.5 CHOOSE THE TOPIC AND DIRECTION OF CONVERSATION
You do not have to “take the bait” when your child is arguing, challenging or trying to push your
buttons. Set your priorities for discipline and discussion. Change topics, ignore or identify your
disinterest in the pursuing certain topics. Use “collaborative problem solving” (Greene).

4.6 CHOOSE THE TIMING OF A CONFRONTATION
These children often provoke confrontations when you are disadvantaged, for example tired,
rushing to get things done or in a public setting. “Tag” a misbehaviour or issue as something to
be dealt with later, at your choosing. Table the concern when you are up to it, with the likely
advantages of cooler heads, better strategies to approach the issue and the possible input or
involvement of another adult.
4.7 ESTABLISH THE MOOD OF A CONFRONTATION
By taking a calm, matter-of-fact and problem-solving approach, you are being adult and
reasonable, so there is a better chance that the discussion will go well. If the child or teen gets
unreasonable or abusive, calmly point this out and request improvement. Otherwise, suggest that
the topic be revisited later or identify consequences. Be brief, as generally actions speak louder
than words, with less opportunity for further argument.
4.8 SEEK TO AVOID OUTRIGHT POWER STRUGGLES AND STAND-OFFS
These children are often stubborn, so these are usually unpleasant, lengthy and likely to wear you
down. Instead, lay out your expectations and the consequences for their positive or negative
choices. Another good strategy is “Grandma’s Rule” i.e.: “When you do________, then you may
________”.
4.9 DO NOT LET THEIR NEGATIVE MOODS DOMINATE YOU AND YOUR
FAMILY
It should not be your job to make them happy or control their moods. Only they can learn to
better manage their intense and changeable moods, aggression and threats, which most often
come up because they are not getting what they want. . Indeed, their unhappiness may be a
reason to recognize and change their approach to life (e.g. How’s that working for you?”
discussions).
4.10 BE CREATIVE, USING A MIXTURE OF POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE
CONSEQUENCES
Utilize your knowledge of what is meaningful for your child. Many parents have a small number
of predictable consequences, which tend to lose their power over time. Constant use of
punishments alone becomes unpleasant. However, do not expect that your ODD child to be
happy about or acknowledge the significance of the consequences you have chosen, especially in
the “heat of the moment”.
4.11 USE TWO-TIER CONSEQUENCES
In this approach, a child is effectively given the chance to complete a briefer, compliance-
dependent consequence to bring to an earlier close or avoid a consequence that the parent has

control over. For example, “You can either do a proper job raking the leaves today (specify
timeline and that job must pass your inspection) or you will lose your video game system for a
week”.
4.12 DISCIPLINARY CONSEQUENCES HAVE TO WORK FOR THE PARENT TOO
Don’t choose a consequence that is harder on the parent (to impose, supervise or wait out) than
the child. Avoid situations of extended groundings or total withdrawal of privileges, as this is
unpleasant for all and encourages the child’s stubborn efforts to prove that they “don’t care”.
4.13 CATCH THEM BEING GOOD
Avoid the pattern of only attending to their misbehaviour. Look for chances to praise them, act
playful or be nurturing with them. Keeping some sense of positive relationship with them is
essential. Particularly watch for times when they are acting in a more age-appropriate or pleasant
way and encourage this by responding with positive attention.
4.14 USE DIVERSION STRATEGIES
This means responding to an oppositional or defiant behaviour in an off-topic or unexpected
way. With younger children, tickling, gentle teasing or becoming playful might work. Often
these children have some sense of humour, even about their O&D strategies, so a humorous
response can be disarming.
“Metaphorical diversion” is when you label ODD behaviour as a sign that they “must be”
depressed, tired or perhaps becoming ill.
4.15 ORGANIZE THE ADULTS
Your authority as important adults will be bolstered when parent figures, school authorities and
other key adults are working the same program and in partnership. Never criticize or undermine
the authority of others in front of the child.
The ODD child easily dismisses arguing or indecisive adults and eventually this will backfire
upon impact upon their respect for you as well.
4.16 RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN ODD PATTERNS
Some parents of ODD children are themselves stubborn, argumentative or critical of others. Such
parents do themselves, their child and everyone a favour when they can manage to set this aside
to work cooperatively with other key adult figures to use these strategies.
4.17 LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
Dealing with an ODD child can be frustrating and exhausting. You will need some breaks, fresh
ideas and moral support. Try not to personalize their angry responses. Recognize that there may

be times when it is difficult to like or want to be with your child. If there is a co-parent or other
adult in the picture, especially if they are using the same strategies, take turns and spell one
another off.
4.18 BE REALISTIC ABOUT PROFESSIONAL ASSISTANCE
O&D children are rarely “customers” for help. The emphasis will usually need to be on
supporting the adults to find better strategies to manage child’s challenges while helping them
develop better skills. There is no medication miracle here. Change here is gradual and about
“improvements” not “fix”.
5. Parenting Skills and Child Development
In our culture, the majority opinion is that parenthood starts after birth. This view has been subtly
fostered by medical scientists who think of a baby as physical matter, especially brain matter,
which they have long believed is insufficient to register or process memory, learning, trauma,
emotion, or any truly human experiences until months after birth. This effectively excludes the
period of life in the womb from active parenting. Hence, we tend to think that parenting cannot
really begin until a real baby is actually "delivered" to the parents.
Considering all we know today about the realities of life before birth, we must appropriately
reset the clock on parenthood. The womb is no longer a dark, secret place. We know it is not an
isolation tank! What goes on in there for nine months is the ceaseless moulding and shaping of
the whole baby - a collaboration between baby and parents. All the new facts of life plead for
parental involvement, participation, and cooperation in the powerful matrix of intimate
interactions that take place in the womb. Pregnancy is parenting de facto. Parental influence on a
child is at its peak during construction in uterus.
5.1 Creating a Physical Body
Parents provide the immediate physical environment which will determine whether the baby's
equipment for living will be poor, average, or optimal. As the foundations for physical life are
laid, each new part is built upon the previous one so that both limitations and advantages are
preserved. Although some degree of "plasticity" is possible during later development, the
original parts remain in place.
Parents who wait to think about this until after their child is born will be starting too late--nine
months after all the basic equipment has been constructed. In the 20th century, parents began to
face compounding hazards of reproduction. These included old and new bacteria and viruses,
which seem to emerge when our immune system is weak and vulnerable. In addition,
environmental dangers became more challenging with the huge new production of industrial and
agricultural chemicals, a swelling tide of stimulants and sedatives such as nicotine, caffeine, and
alcohol, tempting "street" drugs like opiates and amphetamines, the plethora of new drugs

prescribed by physicians, new forms of electromagnetic radiation including the bombardment of
ultrasound waves being overused to entertain parents during obstetrical office visits. Because of
so much environmental disruption, the safety and sanctity of the womb is threatened as never
before.
A mother's diet can innocently invite birth defects. Science has only slowly found the connection
between deficiencies of folic acid (one of the B vitamins) and the profound malformations of
anencephaly and spina bifida, defects which occur when the neural tube fails to close 18 to 26
days after conception. If construction deficits occur at the top end of the tube, the baby's brain
will likely be affected; if at the lower end, the spinal column will likely be affected. Large scale
disruptions in the food supply, as in a famine, can create widespread problems of reproduction.
Long-term studies of children born to mothers who were starved in early pregnancy show
damage to the mechanisms of appetite control and growth regulation, resulting in obesity in the
offspring. Famines produce increased rates of diabetes and schizophrenia, partly through zinc
deficiency which contributes to both of these diseases.
Sub-optimal nutrition, one of the factors behind the plague of low-weight babies, means
shortages of essential supplies during brain construction resulting in a sub-optimal brain. In the
modern urban environment, estrogenic compounds flow freely and have an impact on human
sexual development. Hormonal deficiencies, excesses, and imbalances effect both the genes and
the environment that ultimately determine sexual identity and orientation--all this before the
baby is born.
5.2 Creating Emotional Foundations
One of the biggest surprises about life in the womb is the extent of emotional involvement and
expression, generally not anticipated in psychology or medicine. Spontaneous and graceful
movement that can now be observed from about 10 weeks after conception reveals self-
expression and early aspects of self-control, needs and interests. Some behaviours reflect a
protest against uncomfortable experiences. By 15 weeks, ultrasound shows babies moving in
reaction to something as simple as a mother's laugh or cough. More disturbing are the aggressive
actions seen toward the needle during amniocentesis--attacking the needle barrel with a closed
fist, suggesting self-protection, self-assertion, fear and anger that was previously thought unreal
and impossible.
With surprising development of hearing and tasting before 16 weeks gestational age, the way is
open for babies to have even more extensive interactions with their mothers and fathers.
Ultrasound imaging of twins similarly shows the unexpected scope of their social relationships
seen in repeated hitting, kicking, kissing, or playing together. Life in the womb-now that we can
observe it-bears little resemblance to the lazy world previously hypothesized in which a baby
was a passive passenger virtually deaf, dumb, and blind. In those days, parents themselves
thought it was appropriate to be deaf, dumb, and blind.

As it is with the establishment of physical settings in uterus, the emotional system is also
organizing itself in relation to the range and varieties of experiences encountered. A baby
surrounded with anger, fear, and anxiety will be adjusting itself to that world and may carry
those settings forward unless something changes. Patterns of fearful reaction already visible via
ultrasound before birth can be seen after birth. This emotional sensitivity of the foetus is one big
reason why adoption cannot be viewed as just a simple experience for the parents. Chances are,
an adopted baby has emerged from confusion and conflict, both troubled and conditioned by the
turmoil of the birth parents. They have been learning from experience and are likely to arrive
feeling at least uncertain, possibly rejected, carrying unconscious baggage of anxiety about its
identity and connections. Parents are potent factors in shaping the dynamic world of the unborn.
5.3 Establishing a Rich Connection with the Prenate
Not long ago we thought it was impossible for prenates to have any truly personal or significant
experiences. We didn't see that they could have a working mind. In retrospect, our false beliefs
about their brain power obscured the fact that babies in the uterine world were indeed having a
range of experiences, establishing patterns of interaction, listening to music and conversation,
and as tests ultimately proved, were committing them to memory. Numerous experiments have
made it clear that prenates who have the opportunity to hear stories and music repeated to them
in utero can demonstrate recognition for this material later in life. Prenates have become familiar
with and show a preference for specific lullabies, musical themes like "Peter and the Wolf,"
"Mary had a little Lamb," and even theme music from television soap operas.
Prenates memorize the voices of their mothers and fathers in uterus while learning the basic
features of their native language, the "mother tongue" as we say. Spectrographic analysis of
voice and cry sounds as early as 26 weeks of gestation show how far babies of this age have
already progressed in adopting the voice characteristics of the mother. In a recent experiment,
mothers repeated a children's rhyme daily for four weeks from week 33 to 37 in uterus. Tested at
37 weeks while still inside, the babies reacted with a change of heartbeat to the familiar rhyme,
but not to the unfamiliar rhyme. In other research, babies have demonstrated immediately after
birth a preference for their mother's voice and their native language. The womb turns out to be a
stimulating place and functions as a school. And all babies attend.

6. References
David Chamberlain, Ph.D . When Does Parenting Begin? An Introduction.
http://www.birthpsychology.com/lifebefore/early.html
Eileen Paris, Ph.D and Tom Paris, Ph.D. Parenting for Pregnancy, Birth, and Infancy.
http://www.birthpsychology.com/lifebefore/early5.html
Bruce H. Lipton, Ph.D. (1995). Maternal Emotions and Human Development.
http://www.birthpsychology.com/lifebefore/early8.html
http://www.goodparenting.co.in/parenting/parenting-skills/good-parenting-skills-2/
http://www.ericdigests.org/1999-4/parenting.htm
Kimberly Kopko © 2007 Cornell Cooperative Extension, Cornell University
Early Childhood Learning Knowledge Centre, GRIP-Université de Montréal, Montreal, Quebec
H3C 3J7, www.ccl-cca.ca/childhoodlearning
http://www.wordsyouwant.com/samples/Good%20Parenting%20Skills%20101.pdf
Karen Stephens: Parenting Tips www.ParentingExchange.com
http://www.psychologyinfo.com/treatment/parenting_skills.html
Steven Korner, Ph.D. Information Alert: How Parents and Children Can Function as a Successful
Team http://www.psychologyinfo.com/treatment/parentsandchildren.html
John Bailey, Susan Perkins, Sandra Wilkins (1995). PARENTING SKILLS: A Manual for
Parent Educators, A Cornell Cooperative Extension Publication, Cornell University, Ithaca, N.Y.
14852-3884.
Early Childhood Learning Knowledge Centre, GRIP-Université de Montréal, Montreal, Quebec
H3C 3J7, www.ccl-cca.ca/childhoodlearning
Family Support Agency, St. Stephens Green House, Earlsfort Terrace, Dublin 2 www.fsa.ie
Eleanor E. Maccoby 2000, PARENTING AND ITS EFFECTS ON CHILDREN: On Reading
and Misreading Behavior Genetics, Annu. Rev. Psychol. 2000.51:1-27. www.annualreviews.org

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