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A to Z Relationship & Dating Guide
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A to Z
Relationship &
Dating Guide

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A TO Z RELATIONSHIP & DATING GUIDE
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No part of this report may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever, electronic,
or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any informational storage or retrieval system without express
written, dated and signed permission from the author.
DISCLAIMER AND/OR LEGAL NOTICES:
The information presented herein represents the view of the author as of the date of publication. Because of the rate
with which conditions change, the author reserves the right to alter and update his opinion based on the new
conditions. The report is for informational purposes only. While every attempt has been made to verify the information
provided in this report, neither the author nor his affiliates/partners assume any responsibility for errors, inaccuracies
or omissions. Any slights of people or organizations are unintentional. If advice concerning legal or related matters is
needed, the services of a fully qualified professional should be sought. This report is not intended for use as a source
of legal or accounting advice. You should be aware of any laws which govern business transactions or other business
practices In your country and state. Any reference to any person or business whether living or dead is purely
coincidental.

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Contents
Part 1: Healthy Dating & Relationship Tips 5
• Introduction To Relationships 6
• Back to Basics: Body Language Briefing 7
• ABC’s of Healthy, Happy Relationships 11
• ABC’s of Unhealthy, Sad Relationships 14
• Dating & Relationship Resources 17
• Dating & Relationship Tips 18
• Safety Tips 19
• Lowdown on Long Lasting Love 21
• Self-Help Guide 24
• Addendum: Generic Budget Worksheet 26
Part 2: 5 Steps to Online Dating Success 27
• What You Need to Know About Online Dating… First! 28
• Marriage Vs a Casual Relationship 31
• Step 1: Getting Started 33
• Step 2: Making Yourself Look Like A Million Dollars 38
• Step 3: Letting The Relationship Blossom 46
• Step 4: Meeting Face To Face 49

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• Step 5: Once Bitten… 55
• In Closing 56
Part 3: Social Networking Exposed! 57
• What is Social Networking? 58
• Why Social Networking Sites are So Popular 59
• Popular Social Networking Websites 60
• MySpace: A Popular Social Networking Website 61
• Facebook: Another Popular Social Networking Website 62
• Creating Your Social Networking Website Profile 63
• What NOT to Put in Your Social Network Profile 65
• The Advantages and Disadvantages to Using Social Networking Sites to Find Dates 66
• Should Your Join a Social Networking Website? 67

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Part 1
Healthy Dating
& Relationship Tips

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Introduction To Dating & Relationships
In this guide, the Dating and Relationships
content discussed focuses on traditional
male/female relationships. For supplemental
material and resources with regards to
significant others in same- gender
relationships, simply key in words or phrases
pertaining to the information you seek into
your favorite search engine directory.
This guide presents an overall look at the
basics of relationships and dating, both in the
real world and online. Since the latest reports
show that nearly everyone can learn the most
important social skills needed for relationship
building, this guide focuses on the ABC’s of
Healthy Relationships. And so that you can be
alerted to possible problem areas, the ABC’s
of unhealthy relationships is also covered.
For help, support, a shoulder to cry on, for fun
and to meet new people and interact with
others, sections follow that offer support
groups, organizations, programs, tips, self-help and other resources.
Since Dating and Relationships are such a large, important part of everyday life, this ebook strives to
help clear up myths from facts and present an overview of surrounding issues. It includes information
along with a variety of helpful tips and resources available based upon the most recent studies, research,
reports, articles, findings, products and services available, so that you can learn more about Dating and
Relationships.
Note that the contents here are not presented from a medical practitioner, and that any and all health
care planning should be made under the guidance of your own medical and health practitioners. The
content within only presents an overview of Dating and Relationships research for educational purposes
and does not replace medical advice from a professional physician.
Back to Basics
Let’s take a peak at some of the more common concepts above “love” relationships and see if they are
myths or based upon reality.

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“All we need is love.” Myth or not? Since love does seem to be able to overcome anything and
everything, at least on television and at the movies, this seems like a reality. However, truth is, making
relationships work takes skill and hard work, regardless of the “love” factor. This is a myth here.
Just like in fairy tales, once true love is found, people live happily ever after. Truth or myth?
Granted couples can look into each other’s eyes and have those warm fuzzy feelings. However, truth is,
all couples will have their ups and downs. “Happily ever after” seems to imply a perfect, problem-less
relationship when in reality, those don’t exist.
It has to be “love at first sight” in order to work long-term. Myth or truth? While this can be true
for some, it certainly doesn’t have to be for all couples in long-term relationships. Many people grow
together over time.
Since practically anyone can learn the nuts and bolts of relationship building, focusing on some
basic techniques that can be learned is a must. The main ones, in no particular order, are:
- Read: “Read” people well.
- Rapport: Develop rapport with others well.
- Finesse: Have some finesse; i.e. handle conversations and activities in a cordial manner
- Conflict Resolution: Resolve negative issues and conflicts without too much friction
- Support Co-Op: Gain the support and cooperation in working towards a common goal
Let’s take a little closer look at each and what learning is involved.
Reading People: Body Language Briefing
Body language is the meaning behind the
words or the “unspoken” language.
Surprisingly, studies show that only up to
an estimated 10 percent of our
communication is verbal. The majority of
the rest of communication is unspoken.
This unspoken language isn’t rocket
science. However, there are some
generalizations or basic interpretations that
can be applied to help with the
understanding or translating of these
unspoken meanings. Here are some basics
below.
Smile – People like warm smiles. Think of a

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heartfelt warm-fussy, maybe your favorite pet, and smile.
Eyes - -If you don’t look someone in the eyes while speaking, this can be interpreted as dishonesty or
hiding something. Likewise, shifting eye movement or rapid changing of focus/direction can translate
similarly. If more than one person is present in a group, look each person in the eye as you speak,
slowly turning to face the next person and acknowledge him or her with eye contact as well. Continue
on so that each person has felt your warm, trusting glance. Some suggest beginning with one person and
moving clockwise around the group so that no one is missed, and so that you are not darting around,
seemingly glaring at people.
Attention Span / Attitude – Other people can tell what type attitude you have by your attention span. If
you quickly lose focus of the other person and what is being said, and if your attention span wanders,
this shows through and makes you seem disinterested, bored, possibly even uncaring.
Attention Direction – If you sit or stand so that you are blocking another in the party, say someone is
behind you, this can be interpreted as rude or thoughtless. So be sure to turn so that everyone is
included in the conversation or angle of view, or turn gently, at ease and slowly, while talking, so that
everyone is incorporated, recognized and involved in the conversation. Again some suggest the
clockwise movement when working a group.
Arms Folded / Legs Crossed– This can be seen as defensive or an end to the conversation. So have
arms hang freely or hold a glass of water, a business card or note taking instruments while
communicating with others. Be open with open arms. Note: If you need to cross legs, cross at your
ankles and not your knees. Sitting tightly folded up says that you are closed to communications.
Head Shaking – This is fairly accurate. If people are shaking their heads while you speak, they are in
agreement. If they are shaking, “no,” disagreement reigns in their minds.
Space / Distance – On the whole, people like their own personal body space. Give people room and
keep out of their space. Entering to close can be intrusive and viewed as aggressive.
Leaning – Sitting or standing, leaning is viewed as interest. In other words, an interested listener leans
toward the speaker.
Note others’ body language – While you are with others, note how their bodies read. If a person
suddenly folds his arms across his chest and begins shaking his head “no,” you’ve probably lost him.
Might try taking a step back and picking up where the conversation began this turn for the negative and
regroup. It’s all about strategic planning!
Developing Rapport
Now let’s take a quick peak at the basics of developing rapport with others. In a nutshell, what it takes
is to ask questions, have a positive, open attitude, and encourage an open exchange of communications
(both verbal and unspoken), listen to verbal and unspoken communications and share positive
feedback. Here are a few details on each step.

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Ask Questions – Building rapport is similar to interviewing someone for a job opening or it can be like
a reporter seeking information for an article. Relax and get to know the other person with a goal of
finding common ground or things of interest. You can begin by simply commenting on the other
person’s choice of attire, if in person, or about their computer, if online, and following up with related
questions. For example, in person, you could compliment the other person on their color choice and or
maybe a pin, ring or other piece of jewelry and ask where it came from. In online communications, you
could compliment the other person’s font, smile faces or whatever they use, mention that the
communication style seems relaxed and ask if he or she writes a lot. Then basically follow up, steering
clear of topics that could entice or cause arguing, while gradually leading the person to common ground
you’d like to discuss.
Attitude – have a positive attitude and leave social labels at home (or in a drawer, if you’re at home).
Many people can tell instantly if you have a negative attitude or if you feel superior. So treat other
people as you would like to be treated. And give each person a chance.
Open Exchange – Do encourage others to share with you. Some people are shy, scared or inexperienced
in communicating and welcome an opportunity to share. So both with body language and verbal
communication invite an exchange. Face the other person with your arms open, eyes looking into theirs
gently (not glaring or staring), and encourage a conversation with a warm smile.
Listen – Be an active listener. Don’t focus your thoughts on what YOU will say next. Listen to what the
other person is saying and take your clues from there, while also noting the body language. For
example, if the other person folds his arms and sounds upset, you may need to change the subject or let
him have some space and distance; maybe even try approaching him later on and excusing yourself to
go make a phone call (of head to the buffet table or somewhere to escape). On the other hand, if the
other person is leaning towards you, following your every word and communicating with your as if you
were old friends, BINGO. You’ve built rapport!
Share – People like compliments. So hand them out freely without over doing it. Leaving a nice part of
yourself like a compliment is a good memory for the other person to recall - -numerous times. That’s
good rapport. But do be sincere! False compliments aren’t easily disguised.
Fundamentals Of Finesse
Basically using finesse in handling relationships means using subtle skill, tact or diplomacy
when handling a situation. This doesn’t mean you need to use fancy, flowery phrases or lengthy 10-
letter words or anything. It means focusing on the positive in a friendly way, and not embarrassing the
other person.
For instance, finesse means not telling a host that he or she has body odor or that his or her
house looks and smells like a trash dump. Instead, it means politely excusing yourself upon entering,
and informing the host of an unplanned meeting that came up or family member who dropped by
unexpectedly, and that you wanted to drop by for a quick “Hello” to thank the host for the invitation
before rushing off to your appointment. Keep things simple here, smile and think, “James Bond” with
that English gentleman concept.

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Conflict Resolution
How do you handle conflicts? If you can put your ego aside
pretty much and try to keep friction to a minimum, your
relationships should move along fairly smoothly. Where you feel
disagreement, if you can “agree” to disagree on certain things
with the other party involved that will help, too. In short, conflict
resolution means to pretty much deal with others as you would
want them to deal with you.
For example, let’s look at fictitious John and Mary, out on their
first date at a restaurant. A drunken man passes by their table and
accidentally spills Mary’s glass of water. John gets upset and says
something along the lines of, “That makes me mad! I hate
drunks. They should all be put in jail.”
Mary, on the other hand, who has an alcoholic father (unknown
as this point to John), may feel embarrassed and saddened by
John’s revelation and get quiet, giving only brief “yes” or “no”
answers from that point on.
Hopefully, John picks up on this. He can use finesse and conflict resolution and say, “Mary, I’m
sorry for my outburst and really didn’t mean that. Actually, a drunk driver caused an accident that I read
about recently, and I’d really like to learn about alcoholism and understand it more.”
A statement like this could help ease the conversation into a more productive stage. Then
instead of having an argument about social versus addictive drinking and possibly ending or breaking
up the relationship because of conflict, the relationship between two people could actually develop a
little farther along or deepen. And John and Mary could both learn more about each other and broaden
their perspectives in the process.
Support Co-Op
Relationships may begin with just two people, but more people eventually become involved.
Work friends and associates, family members, old school chums and various other assorted persons
interact daily, so gaining the support and cooperation in working towards a common goal is a plus in
relationship building.
To put this into perspective, we can look at John and Mary again. If John gets along fine with
Mary, but can’t be in a room for 10 minutes with her dad or the rest of her family and friends, the
relationship will probably eventually bottom out; i.e. not grow. However, if John can help build some
type of relationship with them as Mary does, like joining and participating in a holiday meal
celebration that is a plus and can help build and grow a more solid relationship.

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In summary, by learning to use more of these “nuts and bolts” of relationship building, focusing
on some of these basic techniques can help build and grow relationships. More can be learned about
each technique by simply heading to the local library or typing in the technique into your favorite
search engine. Forget that, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” saying. We’re not dogs. And
humans CAN learn – at any age!
ABC’s of Healthy, Happy Relationships
For Healthy, Happy
Relationships, here are some
basic guidelines for reference.
They are in alphabetical order
only, not order of importance.
Acceptance – Don’t try to
change someone. This is a must.
If a person really wants to
change, that person will need to
be motivated and take action.
Period. Also regarding
acceptance, accept limitations.
He is not Superman; you are not
Wonder woman. No one is
perfect; so do not expect
perfection. Accept the little flaws
that come with each person. You
accept theirs; they accept yours.
That’s life!
Bonding – Bonding with another
person generally does take time.
Communicate – talk, listen, share the good and the bad, ask questions, compliment instead of nag or
insult. In short be a friend; make a friend. That is healthy. If this bonding is lacking, it may mean
professional help is needed (like a counselor or therapist) or it may be time to move on to healthier
relationships.
Communications – Be open to the other person. Check judgmental attitudes at the door. And give
chances. Be fair, flexible and friendly. If and when things get out of hand and it is your fault, apologize
and ask forgiveness and move on. Similarly, be acceptable to apologies and grant forgiveness, too. Life
is too short to stay focused on the negative too long. No need to deny it; face it, deal with it and move
on past it to improve and strengthen your relationships.
Dependable – Be a friend; i.e. be dependable. Things happen from time to time and cancellations are a
part of life. But on the whole, if you say you’ll do something, do it. Take responsibility for your own
actions.

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Expectations – Movies, romance novels and television shows often portray life, especially human
relationships, very differently than it is in the real world – this is no secret. How many people really
always look like movie stars, have zero health ailments, endless income without hardly ever going to
work, fabulous cars and homes, friends and family who totally adore them and come to their beckon
call, no long-term problems because they all end so quickly, etc.? And who can battle serious issues
like one person having an affair with someone else, and wrap the whole storyline up in two hours? Get
real. Expect a little less than the media portray and learn more about humans by joining the real world
scenario.
Flexible - Keep a little mystery in the relationship. Juggle your schedule and invite the other person to a
surprise picnic or walk at a local public park area.
Goals - People usually have some goals together over time. Develop some together. Toss what no
longer works, what you outgrew or what may no longer seem important or is finished. And then inherit
or create new goals. Working toward a common cause like saving for an annual vacation or a new
garden area can help people grow together.
Health – Take care of your own health and encourage others, too. Even in this day and age of cable
television with movies and the Internet available 24 / 7, it’s still amazing the number of people out
there who can’t “Just say no” to unhealthy behaviors like smoking and drug abuse. Don’t be afraid to
share your healthy views and encourage healthy choices and living.
Intimacy – Closeness with a person takes time to develop. And there’s more to intimacy than physical
contact. Intimacy can mean a hug during a tough time, a smile of encouragement in the face of
adversity and compassion when you least feel like giving. Don’t abuse or take advantage or the other
person. And don’t let yourself be abused or taken advantage of. Intimacy takes commitment and
sharing.
Just say no – You don’t always have to be voiceless or agree with someone in a relationship. Be able to
say, “No” and be an individual, too.
Keep in Touch – Don’t let life separate you too long. With technology today, you can stay in touch with
cell phones and email. No need to overdo it and be obsessive and controlling, but do stay in touch off
and on throughout the day with quick “Hellos” and “How are things going?”
Lemonade – Make lemonade out of those relationship lemons. And “yes” there will be some, since life
is not perfect! For example, when your partner is late and you miss a movie date or restaurant
reservation, don’t make it a night of terror and destroy what’s left when you finally do get together. Do
something else instead, like relax at home with a video and scented candles, and order subs (and
lemonade!)
Make the Honeymoon Last – Remember how your felt when you first got together? Do those little
things that you did at the beginning and make the honeymoon last? Bring home fresh flowers, shut off
the television, turn on some music and dance with your mate, compliment your mate, make dates to go
to places you used to frequent (the old neighborhood pizza parlor, a local drive in, a hotel you went to
on your honeymoon, etc.)

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Nuts and Bolts – Don’t focus so much on the “nuts and bolts” of who said what, when, how often and
why they were wrong…. In other words, sometimes during an argument, try losing your memory of
who did what, when and how many times in the past. Instead, humble yourself, apologize for having
messed up and hug your mate!
Open – Open windows when doors close. If you feel you’ve been pushed to the limit and don’t want to
try one more time, close the door on that angle of the issue. Take a walk, get some ice cream and cool
off (literally). Then return relaxed and refreshed, and open a window to air differences.
Parental Issues - Even the best of relationships deal with someone’s past parental issues from time to
time. Counseling can help, yes, but something out of the blue can still trigger a parental issue that
someone struggles to deal with regardless of age, it seems. In these cases, just realizing and stating that
it’s normal, may never get resolved and is okay to move on, can work wonders – for both parties.
Quality – With hectic schedules, quality time is important. So even if you can only meet to watch a 30-
minute comedy together every evening, make and keep that date. You’ll probably be especially glad you
did when times get tough and have the wonderful memories to help get you by.
Respect – Respect not only each other, but each other’s property, friendships, time, job and
…everything. Remember you are sharing life together and need to be courteous to one another and all
the affects you.
Sharing – Likewise share and don’t be stingy. “You reap what you sow,” and “You can’t take it with
you” when you die, as the sayings go.
Trust – Healthy relationships involve people who trust one another. One person doesn’t get involved in
unhealthy risks with a third party or lie to the other. There is an open, positive exchange of trust. So if
this is lacking, seek help from a professional counselor, if necessary, and see what’s wrong.
Understanding – Happy, healthy couples try to understand each other even if it means joining a self-
help group, reading library books about something foreign or unknown, or taking time to research and
delve into an issue. In other words, take time to gain knowledge and wisdom before jumping the gun on
something you may not really understand.
Violence – Violence is not welcome. Period. Don’t accept it. Don’t dish it out. Anger Management is
not just a movie term today. There really is help out there if you or your mate needs it.
Warning Signs – Healthy people are generally alert to warning signs of trouble and head them. Denial
isn’t part of their life.
X-Ray – Happy people in healthy relationships generally don’t look at each other as they look at x-rays.
They don’t see close-ups of each flaw and character make up. They learn to look beyond the bare
essentials and see the whole person.
Youthful Attitude – A youthful attitude can go far in relationships. Old outlooks can spawn

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resentment, skepticism and other negative connotations. A little dose of daily humor (reading comics,
watching or listening to comedy, etc.) and keeping in touch with youth (church activities, neighborhood
/ social nonprofit functions and events, etc.) can help maintain a fresh, youthful outlook.
Zombie – Don’t go through life like you’re a zombie! It’s not up to your mate to fulfill your life. You
need to take charge yourself!
ABC’s of Unhealthy, Sad Relationships
Unhealthy, Sad Relationships have some
general notable characteristics in
common. Here are some basic guidelines
for reference. They are in alphabetical
order only, not order of importance.
Avoidance – Many people in unhealthy
relationships simply avoid facing reality.
There are many reasons for this. For
instance, deep down inside, the people
involved may be trying to make
themselves appear superior. Or perhaps
they don’t want to face the fact that their
mates really aren’t who they say they are.
For example, Person A might cover up and make excuses for his mate, Person B, who is always late
coming home from work and almost always misses family functions. Person A could be trying to avoid
reality and make up excuses to cover up an affair that Person B is involved in so that it doesn’t destroy
their “perfect image” in everyone’s eyes. Or Person A could be avoiding the fact that Person B is a
workaholic.
Burnout – Although many can carry out romance throughout their entire relationships, the actual
honeymoon period does have to end, in reality. And those who can keep the “love” fires burning, not 24
/ 7 but off and on regularly during their relationship, have better chances of healthier relationships than
those who suffer burnout and don’t know where to go or who turn to for unhealthy solutions. In short,
every relationship has its highs and lows. During the low times, like maybe when one person begins to
feel disillusioned with marriage, or maybe trapped, tired, helpless, depressed or let down, if this person
reaches out to unhealthy alternatives, like getting a fake substitution – maybe seeking another mate in
secret, getting “high,” or some other negative behavior, once-healthy relationships can suffer. Instead,
the couple needs to face issues together; add some new goals to the relationship, do some fun things
together more, talk more, etc.
Compatibility Issues – Opposites attract; or do they? Sure it’s great to have some “spice” in your life.
But relationships are about getting your needs met – at least on some level. And constant negativity can
certainly hinder intimacy. So those who have a difficult time focusing on what attracted them to their
mates in the first place can suffer unhealthy, sad relationships, constantly in conflict over issues with
which they can’t agree.

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Devotional Void – A lack of commitment or ardent love can make for unhappy relationships. Being
friends or roommates is one thing. Being committed, loving soul mates is another. Being “in love” 24/7
doesn’t necessarily have to be a requirement, but being in a “loving” committed relationship can make
the difference.
Enthusiasm Dwindles – If you don’t add in some spice once in awhile, you can get the same old, same
old. Couples caught up in routines can lose that spark of enthusiasm; i.e. zest of life in their
relationships if they forget to be spontaneous once in awhile or forget to flavor their relationship with
fun, adventure, romance.
Forgiveness Void – No one is perfect. Mistakes are a part of life. Those unwilling or unable to forgive
can pretty much count on having more unhealthy relationships over time. Relationships based or
growing on anger, spite, disgust, resentment or other negative feelings associated with lack of
forgiveness are like wilted flowers. They need tending to or they’ll die.
Guise - Simulated relationships or those under the guise of having a solid, happy relationship are not
destined for success, on the whole. Or rather false is as false does, as Forest Gump might say.
Pretending wears thin and doesn’t last long.
Harm – Harmful thoughts, words and actions can sure lead to unhealthy relationships. An occasional
outbreak during a stressful moment might be considered normal like swearing; i.e. if someone hasn’t
been raped, battered (or other sever trauma has occurred) by the other party. However, harmful, violent
actions such as those and repeated verbal negativity is abusive and not healthy in relationships – or life.
Indulgence – Instant gratification or indulgence of unhealthy behaviors is a sign of trouble. Grabbing
chocolate to satisfy a craving is one thing. Grabbing illicit drugs or another mate in secrecy is another.
Yielding to unhealthy temptations and desires is a pathway to unhealthy relationships.
Just say yes – Not being able to draw boundaries or sustain limits is another possible path to sad
relationships. For example, if one person in the relationship has a difficult time saying “No” and setting
limits, his or her mate could always come in second, third or forth - - rarely first in the other person’s
eyes and agenda. And while it’s fine to take a back seat once in awhile, people make time for priorities
and in healthy relationships, both parties feel and share the value of being number one with one another.
Kick the Dog – Kicking the dog, not in a literal sense (although that would be negative, too!) is
characteristic of unhealthy relationships. For example, if a person comes home angry and passes this
anger on to the dog by kicking it, that is not a healthy release of anger. The unhealthier people are, the
unhealthier they generally deal with stress. Help is available.
Lemons – Unhealthy relationships often have at least one party who can’t seem to make lemonade out
of life’s lemons. Maybe he or she has the wrong recipe. Or maybe the person is a bad cook. But
assistance is needed in this department!
Management Mania – Remember the “Odd Couple?” A super manager personality can ruin an
otherwise healthy relationship. Likewise a super sloth can wreak one, too. A little give and take is called

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for.
“Neverland” – Ever heard something this in an argument, “You never….?” Well trips to Neverland are
for Peter Pan. Skip the “always” and “nevers” in arguments and avoid unhealthy relationship issues. It’s
rare that someone does or does not do something 100 percent of the time. Memories just seem to fail
during opportunistic, stressful episodes sometimes (not always, though!)
Ominous – Bad or ominous feelings, an omen…a feeling deep inside that tells you something is wrong
- this often accompanies unhealthy relationships.
Pressure – When one party pressures (or forces) the other to have sex, this is characteristic of an
unhealthy relationship.
Questions – Part of communicating is asking and answering questions. If this process causes problems,
i.e. even the simplest of questions arouses anger, suspicions, fighting, etc., this is a trait often found
with unhealthy relationships. The party who has difficulty answering questions may be hiding
something, dealing with control issues or dealing with substance abuse (or other).
Responds Inappropriately – Some characteristics of unhealthy relationships include playing head
games, trying to humiliate, using threats, insults or jealousy. These inappropriate responses suggest
unhealthy environment between the couple.
Silence – Silence isn’t always golden, as the saying goes. If one person shuns or ignores the other,
outside of a solitary or very brief occurrence, this can reflect an unhealthy relationship.
Treatment – If healthcare treatments are being ignored or stopped without the help of a professional;
for example, in the case of stopping anti-depressant medication after a severe (negative) episode (like
suicide), this can signal an unhealthy relationship. People need to take care of themselves and not leave
everything up to their mates in relationships.
Untidy / Unkempt – When one or both partners disregards physical appearance for the duration (long-
term, not just for a weekend), this signals an unhealthy relationship. One or both could be abusing
substances, for example, or suffering depression.
Verbal Abuse /Violate – When one or both partners use verbal abuse and / or violate or cause harm to
the other’s person or personal property, things or friends, this can be a red flag for an unhealthy
relationship. People should respect each other and each other’s property, things and friends. And verbal
abuse is not appropriate.
Weapons – Threatening a partner with a weapon, even if it’s a household (or other) item used as a
weapon is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Copy – A trait of an unhappy relationship can be when a person is copying another, failing to be
himself or herself. Some personality disorders are also characterized by this trait that reportedly shows
up in a number of unhealthy relationships. And help is available.

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Youthful Outlook / Emotions – An energetic, youthful attitude toward life is one thing. Youthful
expectations; i.e. outlook, and emotions can be characteristic of unhealthy partners. Growing couples
need maturity as they grow together and face adult issues. Childish displays of anger, hostility,
selfishness, etc., don’t have much place in healthy, growing partnerships.
Zero – Growing relationships need a foundation. Zero to grow on is difficult to multiply. Got to start
somewhere!
Dating & Relationship Resources
Support and help is available for relationships in many forms. And with the Internet, there is
now help available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Here are some places to turn below.
Online Support:
About.com/People – Popular resource sections focus on Dating Advice, Sexuality and Spirituality,
Seniors, Marriage, Divorce, Honeymoon Getaways and more. Surf categories for chat rooms, forums
and other online communication / tools and targeted support.
LoveTactics.com – sponsor of About.com, well known for Internet resources. This site focuses on Lost
Love, Dating, Relationship and Commitment areas. Site features articles and consultation options.
Psychologytoday.com – Relationships (left-hand column category). Then choose from dozen of
relationship topics that contain hundreds of articles to view online. Need help? Ask their therapist a
question for $19.95 online (educational purposes only – see your healthcare provider for therapist
referrals and help.) The site also shows therapists available throughout the different states for help
locating someone near you.
Sage-Hearts.com – Site presents overview of various dating services and shares a variety of dating
success stories and tips, books, movies and poems section, and top dating sites on the Internet with
ratings.
Mail / Phone Contacts:
The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), PO Box 5488
Richmond, VA 23220-0488. Phone: 804-644-3288.
American Psychological Association 750 First Street, NE, Washington, DC 20002-4242. Telephone:
800-374-2721.
Other:
For other online and offline recommendations, it may be safer to go through a favorite magazine site
(like in Psychology Today above) and search contacts. Also check in the Yellow Pages under listings for

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Therapists, Psychologists, Psychoanalysts and Counselors. Other methods of finding help are to ask
friends, relatives, colleagues, church members or clergy for assistance and recommendations.
Books:
The Relationship Rescue Workbook, by Phillip C. McGraw; Hyperion (October 4, 2000).
Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less
Conflict, by Jonathan Robinson; Conari Press (June 1, 1997).
We Love Each Other, But...: A Leading Couples Therapist Shares the Simple Secrets That Will Help
Save Your Relationship, by Ellen F. Wachtel; Golden Books (February 1, 1999).
Dating & Relationship Tips
Enjoy the variety of dating and relationship building tips that follow. They are listed in no particular
order.
Show Off – If you have a great body you’re trying to show off and young physical appearance, yet
worry because you still seem to have difficulty finding dates and establishing relationships, here are
some pointers. Turn off the “ME” focus. Others tend to see that as boorish and think you only care
about yourself, not others and certainly not them. Instead, turn the focus on outside interests that the
other person can relate to, even if it has to be the weather. For help, tune in to an online news source
like CNN or subscribe to a national or other major newspaper or magazine like Newsweek or head to
the public library for the latest news briefs. Online dating might be a good outlet for you, to as it
generally offers a place to list all your great physical qualities as well as outside interests and more,
presenting a more rounded dating candidate. Then those who are VERY interested in great abs, youthful
appeal, etc. will be able to check you out. And those who are interested in the other interests can focus
on those, too.
Sit, Don’t Take a Stand – Instead of voicing your opinions over issues that you pretty well know cause
heated arguments, don’t take a stand. Just sit them out. There’s no shame in passing up an argument.
For example, if you both call yourselves “Christians,” yet one of you firmly has a complete set of rules
and regulations about what a “Christian” really is, and doesn’t hesitate to voice this, skip over
conversations about religion. If you have to, simply say something along the lines of, “This gets us too
heated, so let’s pass on if for now and move on to something else.” Agree that it’s okay to disagree.
Because it is!
Traditions – Keep up with some old traditions from each family. Alter some; create new ones. The main
thing here is to make positive memories that you can share and relive over and over, especially during
rough spots when you can’t remember why you are together. Traditions can be like glue and bind you
with a common past.
Sex VS Love – Sex and love are not the same thing. Learn the difference and don’t measure love by
your hormones.

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Negotiator – Forget “his” and “hers” roles and who “should” do what when…Learn to negotiate. What
works one day may not work another when timing is off, kids are on the run and disaster strikes, for
instance, when your mother-in-law drops by unexpectedly.
Love and Hate – Love your mate. It is OK to strongly dislike (or “maybe” hate) a behavior, like
cracking knuckles or biting nails. But remember to love the person.
Online (and Classified Ad) Dating
The Internet is still pretty safe overall, even for seniors, according to research of various Internet
safety sites like WiredSafety.org who estimated a 90 – 97 percent “terrific” Internet. People are chatting
with one another, making cyber-dates. However, there are some general rules of Internet etiquette or
“netiquette” and some precautions to take for possible dangers lurking there. Here are some pointers
compiled from several websites experienced in cyber-dating techniques and most tips work for those
who reply to classified ads, too.
You can get greater details about online dating in part 2 of this book.
Safety Tips
1. Do Not Give Out Personal Information - Whether it’s via email, online chat rooms, message
boards, in your personal ad, etc., do not disclose your
personal information like your complete name, address,
telephone number, work place, etc. And use a third party
email address instead of one with your domain or work
domain, too, that is easily traceable. For example, instead
of using joe@seniortimes.com , set up an email account
like joe@yahoo.com or joe@hotmail.com (search “free
email accounts for places like this). Preferred dating sites
offer email forwarding so that members do not see private
information like this. So if you are on one that differs or
makes you uncomfortable, move along and click elsewhere.
2. Do Not Lie - Be up front about your age and appearance.
Better to not be caught in lies later on or lead someone on
falsely.
3. Be Tactful and Leary - Do not believe everything you read in posts, in emails: in general online.
You could be chatting with a child or someone faking their sexual orientation. The odds are that you
will probably encounter someone a tad “undesirable” from time to time, so try to use appropriate
replies, using tact, or ignore the encounter, if it suits the situation.
4. Use Caution in Sharing Images - Whenever you think about sharing a digital photo online, keep in
mind that it may be possible for thousands to see it on the Internet, not just one person. Plus your photo
can be copied, altered with different software out there today and posted elsewhere. If you do use your

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image, send one that shows you with a warm smile, not a frown.
5. Ask if Unsure - Go slow like the tortoise in the race with the hare and ask questions if you are
unsure how to proceed in your contact and communications. Contact the site owner or webmaster
(check for contact info when you register), ask trusted friends for helpful resources, check with local
authorities. Remember that old adage, “Better safe than sorry!”
6. Be careful if you decide to meet for the first date. Remember there is safety in numbers, so meet in
a public place with other friends around.
7. Keep copies of communications in a file so that you can show friends or the law in case your
meeting or continued contact takes a bad turn. And do report any problems and cooperate with
authorities. They can get information from your computer and communications to aid in tracking down
culprits in some cases. Don’t try to take matters into your own hands and stalk the culprit yourself,
though. Be safe.
8. Let men instigate online and offline relationships. Men still like to pursue. Online studies show
that this has proven safer, too, with Internet dating. Men should make the first email move. And women
should NOT reply to men’s ads; let the men pursue. (Sorry guys!)
9. So that you don’t appear anxious or desperate or both, generally wait for a day or 24-hour period
before replying. And forget about replying on weekend and holidays, at least at first, and being
available via instant messaging. This is especially important for women (double standards are still
around and even exist in the Internet dating scene) – you want to “appear” socially active, confident –
blah, blah, blah, even if you are just home washing your hair.
10. Don’t date someone who is already married to someone else – even if that person says he or she
is getting a divorce. Let the divorce happen first. Otherwise things could get ugly. And you may even
have to face the spouse / ex-spouse and children down the road. So think of others, too, when even
considering someone who is not single.
11. If after several emails or letters you decide to talk on the phone, keep the first call short, around
10 minutes. Plan to have to “rush” off. Your goal is to hear the person’s voice and talk a short while
only, not seeming over anxious.
12. Some gents do complain that the ladies do not reply. So ladies, reply! At least say, “No, thank
you.”
Netiquette
Here are some general guidelines to refer to in your online communications.
• Use respectful tones and wording. Swear words and hurtful remarks are not good for
anyone. If someone presses you, for example, to share confidential information that you
shouldn’t, just say, “No” and tell the site monitors / webmaster of the forum, chat room or

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online dating site, if necessary.
• Look for dating and other resource websites that list street addresses instead of post office
boxes or nothing at all. Ask friends for referrals.
• Try to avoid stretching the truth about your accomplishments, job title, etc. Then if a
relationship develops, things will run much smoother.
• Try to avoid many 1-word replies and 1-sentence communications. Take some time to
develop your thoughts and share in your paragraphs. In short, be a friend.
• All capital letters mean “shouting” and is difficult to read at any length.
Take care and have fun with your cyber-dating.
Lowdown on Long Lasting Love
Now it’s time to take a look at the lowdown on how to handle long lasting love. Here are some pointers
on how to deal with some of the top issues that when mishandled, can separate the men from the boys,
as they say, or rather the successful couples from the less-successful ones.
Conflict Management- The key here is to realize that most couples do not solve every issue. In fact,
reports show that couples don’t solve most of their problems. So if you think your girlfriends or buddies
are winning more frequent battles than you, forget about it. It’s not happening.
Next realize that statistics still reflect about a 50 percent survival rate for married couples long-term.
(I.E. the other half divorce). And for those who do make it, it’s not so much about whether or not they
“love” each other more than the divorced people did. It’s generally more about that fact that they
developed better communication skills and learned to understand each other better. And developed and
learning - -these are action verbs.
As you develop and learn your own job skills for advancement, so can you and should you do the same
for relationship advancement. There is no shame in reaching out and improving in this area. Tips for
developing better communication skills and learning to understand your mate better; i.e. improve
conflict management, are as follows:
1. Take turns speaking and listening to each other. As a speaker, speak only for yourself and keep
your comments brief. The stop and invite the listener to sum up what you said (to make sure he
or she understood).
2. Then allow the other person to take over and follow the same format.
3. Share back and forth in this same manner, jotting down conflict management notes as needed
for following up later and establishing new boundaries in your relationship.

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Some tips for handling conflict resolutions are:
A. Start with the person presenting his or her complaint in a general format, without blame.
For example, instead of saying, “You keep leaving dirty dishes out on the counter all
night;” say “I don’t like it when dirty dishes are left out on the counter. During my
college days, that attracted cockroaches.”
B. Encourage each other to come to an agreement in a calm, friendly manner. Negotiate.
Give and take. Maybe the dishes from late night snacks don’t have to be washed with
soap and hot water, but can simply be rinsed off instead and stacked in the sink’s dishpan
or strainer, for instance.
C. If negativity starts, stop it ASAP. In the above example, maybe the mate wants all sinks
clear and free for emptying coffee cups and other snack and breakfast dishes. So this
person starts swearing, calling the other person a lazy idiot or something…STOP.
D. Calm things back down. Use hand signals like coaches do in sports, if necessary. Men
can often relate to this. Do a “time out” mode. And take a breather or break for a few
minutes.
E. Then go back to where things were fine, just before step “C.” Inject some humor and try
to resolve the conflict again. Maybe joke about how you pay much more for your
residence now and don’t have cockroach problems. And that OK, one sink can be left
clear, the other will hold a strainer of rinsed-off items. Any dirty ones can be placed /
stacked on one side of the strainer; rinsed items on the other. Done deal!
Money Management – Some counselors say that money handling is the number one priority issue of
conflict among couples. Problems arise with how money is viewed, how it should be save, spent and
even earned. So here are some general guidelines to money management to help iron out some financial
issues for couples.
1. Decide to set aside some time for discussing your financial matters in peace and quiet. Doing
this quarterly (or monthly, if time and patience allow) is a good idea. Then you can make sure
your budget is on track and allow a glance ahead at possible items coming up that may have
been missed (like renewal of driver’s licenses) and look back to see how you are doing.
2. Gather all of your budgeting materials in one place; notebook paper, 3-prong folder with
pockets for storing bills as they arrive in the mail, stamps, calculator, envelopes, check book,
savings book, pencil, pen. When it’s time to work on your finances, bring everything out at
once (maybe store in a special drawer or box for handy pick-up-and-go.)
3. On a sheet of notebook paper (or a sheet from a budget planning guidebook or software print
out), list each monthly expense; rent / house payment, each utility, charities / tithing, grocery
money, misc. funds (to allow for medicines, snacks, CD rental, etc.), car payments, insurance,
credit card payments, etc. For guidelines, there are several things you can do; check with your
local bank for budget planning help, ask a librarian for help finding budget books, check your

23
computer’s software (Microsoft Word has some business / budgeting sheets that could be
altered to fit your family planning needs, for instance), visit local office supply stores to see
which types of budget planner notebooks and guide they may have available, surf online or use
the following one enclosed and revise it to suit your needs. Hint: visit www.digital-
women.com/daily-planner for lots of planner pages to choose from (for men and women!)
4. Fill in the blanks on your budget planner page. List how much each monthly payment is in #3
above. Then total the list to see how much income you need to cover all your expenses.
5. Note your incomes in a separate column off to the side. Does your income exceed your expense
total? If so, great. Simply have fun choosing what you’d like to both do with your extra income,
with long-term and short-term goals that are compatible with both of you. If not, if income does
not exceed expenses, and this is the area where discourse usually strikes, it’s time to whittle
down your expenses and / or earn extra income. Here are tips on whittling down income and
being more budget-conscious with your available funds:
A. Use coupons, even cyber-ones like from www.valpak.com
B. Check with your insurance about higher deductibles and any special rate savings
programs they may have (like good driving discounts).
C. Visit second hand stores for used books and clothing.
D. Donate time and volunteer work instead of tithing money
E. Buy no-name foods, toiletry and household items (shampoos, deodorants, light bulbs,
etc.) instead of brand names.
F. Cook at home more as entertainment and invite your neighbors and friends over. And
skip eating out so much, renting CD / DVDs and going to movies.
G. Track and monitor your spending. Jot purchases in a notebook and keep handy with your
checkbook for quick reference. Review and see how you do weekly. Improve!
H. Plan ahead. For example, save a little each month for Christmas so that in December,
you’ll already have what you need for gifts already saved up. Likewise for annual
insurance billings (like for the house) or for any other annual billings.
I. See if you can trade services with others. For example, if you have a computer and can
toss up a decent web page maybe you can create web pages for small business in the area
in exchange for gift cards to use in their stores.
J. Sell some of your stuff – try online auctions, garage sales, cheap classifieds, bulletin
boards around town…

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K. Resist the urge to “immediately” fulfill a want. Instead, keep a list going of “wants.” If
an item has been on there for a year, for example, then begin shopping for it. Look for
bargains, try to trade for it, negotiate for a better deal. Waiting generally means you’ll
really want it more (or not, and cross it off your list) and will actually USE it when you
get it and not just toss it in a pile with other unopened or hardly used things that you just
HAD to have.
L. Check out library books like:
The Cheapskate Monthly Money Makeover, by Mary Hunt; St. Martin's Press; Reissue
edition (March 1, 1995).
Miserly Moms: Living on One Income in a Two-Income Economy, by Jonni McCoy;
Bethany House Publishers; 3rd edition (October 1, 2001).
The Complete Cheapskate: How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out, and Break Free from Money
Worries Forever, by Mary E. Hunt, Mary Hunt; St. Martin's Griffin; 1st edition (August 1,
2003).
Self-Help Guide
Self-help to help your relationship improve, here are some exercises to take by yourself and share with
your mate. Take them slow and steady, at your own pace. Have fun with them. (There are no grades!)
Instructions: Jot your replies down on paper if you like or in a private “couple’s” journal fur future
reference. Add to them, modify them, edit them as you’d like. The key is to have fun, learn more about
yourself, your mate and your relationship together, and grow.
Exercise A: List your three best traits. Then list your mate’s top three traits you admire.
Exercise B: List the top three areas in your life that you would like to work on improving. These can be
any range of things from improving income to education to giving more, losing more weight, being less
shy, etc. Then list the top three areas in your mate’s life that you’d like to see improved.
Fill in the blanks, and then have your mate reply to the same questions. Take turns reading your replies
and learning more about each other:
Regarding my appearance, I think I am _____________________
A funny thing that happened to me was _____________________
One place I would love to visit is ____________________________
If money was no object, I would buy _________________________

25
A person who meant a lot to me while I was growing up is ___________because
______________________________________
A major lesson I learned in life is _____________________________
If I could have any job in the world, it would be __________________
A hero of mine is (can be fictional) ____________________________
If a dream could come true, I’d like ___________________________
One way I’d like to give back would be ________________________
On a personal note, here is where I would like to be:
1 year from now:___________________
3 years from now: __________________
5 years from now: ___________________
As a couple, here is where I’d like us to be:
1 year from now:___________________
3 years from now: __________________
5 years from now: ___________________
One things about you that makes me smile is ____________________
I’ll always remember this about you ___________________________
Exercise: List what you feel is good about your relationship.
Exercise: List what you feel could use work / improvement in your relationship.
Exercise: How could you help improve your relationship? And how do you think your partner could
help improve the relationship?
Reply:
1. What is the best memory that comes to mind about your mate?

26
2. What do you see in the future for your relationship: Location? Jobs? House? Pets? Children?
Travel?
3. What fun things would you like to try and do with your mate more (Ballroom dancing? Gourmet
cooking? Snow skiing? Other?) When will you schedule one of these new things?
In summary, since the latest reports show that just about anyone and everyone can learn the
important social skills needed for relationship building, use what you can of this guide and its resources
mentioned to focus on your own Healthy Relationships. Be alert to possible problem areas, and take
action to improve your life.
Addendum: Generic Budget Worksheet
Monthly Budget Guide Amount
Income
Person A:
Employment net income
(after taxes)
Other income
Person B:
Employment net income
(after taxes)
Other income
TOTAL INCOME
Amount Budgeted
Mortgage / Rent
Cable / Internet Access
Cell Phones
Utilities (gas, electric, H2O)
Phone (landline)
Groceries
Insurance
(Car/Home/Life)
Car Payment
Auto Insurance
Gas
Misc (car maintenance, clothes,
entertainment, emergency, etc.)
Credit card payments
Savings / Investments
Other expenses
TOTAL EXPENSES
INCOME – EXPENSES:

27
Part 2
5 Steps to Online
Dating Success

28
What You Need to Know About Online Dating… First!
Online dating is not all fun and games and
there are a lot of things that a person has to
know about online dating before one gets
into the intricacies of it. Online dating may
seem to be the simplest thing in the world
but it is not. It should be viewed in all
earnestness or things could go haywire.
Every game has its rules and unless you
know all the rules you just can't become a
good player and eventually a winner.
Tastes Differ
There are so many kinds of people around.
Just look around you, how many people
you know look the same?
Sizes, builds, shapes, features… they are all so different.
And that is just about the external appearances. And when it comes to character, it becomes a very
different story altogether. Take a trip down memory lane, go back to your classrooms and take a look
around.
A classroom is one place where we get to interact with a lot of different people on a very close basis.
We get to rub shoulders and corners with very different people and we get to know them on a one to
one basis. So how many of your classmates did you genuinely like?
I don't mean like them as classmates but as people. Was it easy to get along with all of them? That is
why we often end up with best friends or clichés in classrooms.
We do not and do not have to like every body. The tastes and interests of one person might match with
ours while the tastes and interests of another person may be at complete loggerheads with ours.
So when it comes to dating, it is very much the same story. But over here there are some strings
attached. Unlike in a classroom contact, most people go on dates with a more impressive purpose, and
that is to find life mate. There are a hundred and one things that should match before two people decide
to spend the rest of their lives with each other.
Many people are of the opinion that they do not need any help with dating. They may be right because
no body knows a person's tastes and likes better than the person himself or herself.
Maybe most of us do not need any help in making the right choice but isn't it good to get a few pointers
on the dating process as such, particularly on Online dating? It is with this objective that this matter was
prepared so that the thousands who are now availing of Internet dating may get the best out of it.

29
What Makes Online Dating So Different?
We, human beings have been in this world for so many thousands of years. And since the beginning
people have been choosing partners. Cultures across the world are very different and we can come
across so many different ways in which people choose their life mates.
But the concept of finding a life partner with the help of the Internet is a fairly recent concept when
compared with the history of mankind as such. Of course the Internet and computers have influenced
man's life so much that it is no surprise that in the matters of finding a suitable partner too, the Internet
has made its presence felt.
Online dating is; in simple words, finding a partner with the help of a machine namely the computer via
the Internet. That itself makes the idea and the process a very novel one indeed, Hundreds of happy
people across the globe have been successful in finding suitable partners by the means of online dating.
But to be frank with you, a lot of not-so-lucky persons have been goofed and jilted by the same process.
So in order to make sure that you find a place in the first list let us go into the details of online dating.
The Magic of the Internet
Everything that applies to the Internet, applies to Online dating as well. The
Internet as we know allows for unlimited possibilities in communication,
and it is this feature that has proved to be at the same time the biggest boon,
as well as bane for online dating.
People can start from scratch and get to know everything about each other
before the actual meeting takes place. Tastes and preferences, likes and
dislikes, interests and obsessions can be discussed on a one to one basis so
that when the meeting actually takes place these two people are not in the
least strangers to each other. Wonderful, isn't it?
But at the same time this possibility for unlimited communication leaves a lot of space for guile as well.
The human race is endowed with a remarkable ability to use, misuse and abuse the same thing. And
naturally, online dating too has been and is still being used for vile purposes.
The person who is misusing this facility may either be a practical joker or may be someone with more
devious intentions who is out to get some victims. It is because of this reason that a little bit of
homework is good before you actually hit the road.
But you do not have to worry, the home work has already been painstakingly done for you and all you
have to do is run your eyes along the following lines and you will be all set to strike gold.
How Did Online Dating Become So Popular?
The reason is pretty simple. It is very much the same reason that the Internet itself became so popular.
The Internet opens up a whole new world of communication and contact. And the reasons for this are

30
given below.
• Speed: Try to picture what used to happen earlier in the days when people had to depend on the
good old' postal system. During those days, a person had to wait for one or two days for a letter to
get across to a person who lived in the same state itself. The second person in turn would take one
or two days to respond and this letter would take on or two days to get back to the first person.
So in effect, a single correspondence would stretch over a week. But now it's a totally different
story. The time taken for the first letter and the response has been brought to an amazing 2 minutes!
Waiting may make the heart grow fonder but e-mail makes two people get close faster!
• Privacy: The Internet provides for absolute privacy too. One can carry out communication with
another person in the absolute privacy of one's bedroom or bath room or wherever one chooses to
be. There is no fear of eavesdropping (ugh) or over hearing (shudder!) thanks to e-mail and chat
facilities.
• Options and Opportunities: The Internet provides for other options like voice chat or video
conferencing and stops short only of the physical touch. But then who would want to start a
relationship by touching right away?
You can see a person, talk to a person, and listen to the person's voice, can you think of a better way
to start a date?
• Economy: All this and more it is possible thanks to the Internet and the best part is that all this
comes to you for peanuts. All you need is a PC (who doesn't have one?) and an Internet Connection
(how can anybody live without one?) and you are all set. The only thing more you could ask for is a
step-by-step guide to find your dream date…well here it is!
So what are we waiting for?
Be Clear About What You Want
We all know that man is a social being. However man is also a lonely being. (And when we say man,
we mean women too). Man longs for company.
Company not just from friends and the family, but from that special person with whom he or she can
share those sweet nothings, those simple pleasures and pains, someone with whom he or she can build a
whole new life, someone with whom he or she can raise a family of his or her own.
Now this is a fundamental need of man: to find a life mate. And the most popular method used for this
is dating. When we talk about dating in the very finest sense of the word, please understand that dating
is not to be viewed as a precursor for sleeping together. It is much more than that. It is the first step
towards choosing a life partner and online dating has made the whole process a lot simpler now.

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Marriage Versus A Casual Relationship
Now what you do and what you want is entirely your business. I don't
want to sound nosey but I would like to draw a fine line between the
kind of dating that is involved in these two quests.
Of course we are all grown up and so let us act like grown ups.
Obviously in a casual relationship we are looking for fun. And mind
you, fun can have a lot of connotations. So here the object of one's
desire will obviously be a person who is not inclined towards a serious
relationship.
If both parties are of the same view then it is well and good because
they understand each other perfectly and do not expect much from
such a relationship. This leaves no room for heartbreak.
It is when one party is in for something more serious and the other
party is into sheer frivolousness that the problems start. So you should
be absolutely clear about what you are looking for from the start, and you should make your intentions
very clear to the other person.
At the same time you should have no doubts about the intentions of the other person as well.
Remember, even if it is a casual relationship, there should be mutual understanding at least about the
nature of the relationship.
Of course, there is yet another possibility where a casual relationship can blossom into something more
serious. But, again in such cases it is your instincts that can help you identify what is good and what is
bad.
No matter how strong a person is, anyone can be taken for a ride or be taken for granted. Being jilted is
never a nice experience. So those of you who are going in for a casual relationship, for heavens sake, be
on your guard! Marriage is altogether a different story but we will deal with that later.
Dating Comes From a Fundamental Need
Let's face it, of course sex is important, but sex is by far NOT the most important reason for dating.
Important! Maybe during the age of thoughtless youth, when new hormones are being pumped in and
out, sex is on every one's mind. But as one matures (mind you that does not mean growing old and
gray) sex takes the back seat and mutual support, likes and dislikes, cooperation, caring and sharing
come to the forefront. We start thinking about building up a world of our own and we need someone to
share it with, and not just someone to sleep with.
Sex is a fundamental need of every human being. We all have it in us to give and receive physical
pleasure. But when you sit and think about it for a minute, you can see that this urge is actually the
result of another urge.

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There is a more primary urge in every human being to breed and produce offspring, and it is this urge
that gives rise to such a powerful sexual desire. But whatever be the urge, the most dignified means to
satisfy it is dating.
Nobody, not one of us, is complete without a partner; and it is to satisfy this need that people date.
Because of this, the rest of this manual will be dedicated not to finding the right sex partner, but to
finding the right life partner.
Online Dating Is Here To Stay
Let's accept the fact that dating couldn't
really get better. Online dating is THE real
thing. Let's compare it to the old system of
evening balls or social gatherings. Imagine
you are this big gathering where there are a
lot of men and women looking out for
suitable partners.
Suppose you bump into one or two people
with whom you seem to strike an
immediate rapport. You are then able to
take this person out onto a balcony with
just the moon to keep an eye on you.
You get to talk to this person for hours and
hours; just talk and nothing else. You get to
discuss likes and dislikes and finally when
it is time to part you leave with a promise
to meet on a following day at an equally
enjoyable spot. These talks go on for days and weeks and finally you decide that this indeed is the
person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Then of course you start meeting in more open places, you hold hands and even kiss. You begin to go
out for lunch and dinner and spend even more intimate time together. When the moment is right and
your decision is made, it then becomes time for you to say, "I do."
Sigh! It sounds like a nice fairy tale, doesn't it?
Well it needn't be. It could be your own love story because the concept of online dating is just what has
been described above. If you click the right buttons everything could work out fine for you and we have
evidence to prove it. Just take a look at the figures given below and you can behold for yourself what a
universal phenomenon online dating has already become.
As I mentioned earlier, one of the best things about online dating is that it affords a lot of privacy. You
can chat for hours, video conference, or do whatever it is you care to do without arousing the interest of
others or attracting the wrong kind of attention. All you need is a computer and Internet access
everything becomes as discreet as can be. But along with that, may I add that we need a little bit of

33
common sense as well or else we might find ourselves within the clutches of many lurid monsters
lurking out there.
Another good thing about online dating is that it saves a lot of money which otherwise you would have
had to splurge each time you took someone out on a date. It is because of these reasons and many more
personal reasons that thousands of people find online dating to be a great convenience.
How to Get the Most Out Of Online Dating
Many people who decide to give online dating a try often end up with their hair singed and fingers
burnt.
The reason we decided to put together such a manual is that online dating is not as simple as it looks.
You need to know how to go about it in order to get the best out of it. Most people do not like to take
chances and when it comes to finding a life partner people do not want to take chances at all.
But you can relax for through this manual we will be dealing with all the do's and the don'ts and so the
whole process will be quite easy and enjoyable to you. This manual will provide you with step-by-step
instructions on how to being online dating.
We have no doubts about the decision-making abilities of our readers and so we do not propose to give
a lot of advice on the issue. Our purpose is simply to provide a couple of guidelines which we hope our
readers will find valuable as they proceed in the attempt to find the perfect partner.
Step 1: Getting Started
Only fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
It is always best to approach unfamiliar territory with caution. You
need to plan before you actually go out there and start dealing your
cards. Be sure about yourself and be sure about what you want. Just
because anyone and everyone can type out whatever they want in a
chat room doesn't mean that we have to do the same.
The Internet has a wonderful quality of being accessible to every
one. But this same quality attracts all kinds of people into it. But just
because a lot of people who enter a chat room have only dirt on their
minds, it doesn't mean that everyone is like that. If you stick to the
class that you have and maintain your poise, you can indeed get the
right kind of response.
There are a lot of nice people using the Internet, but it all depends
on what you do. Do onto others what you want them to do to you is
the golden rule that applies here. There are no rules for the game. All are players out there. But just
because others are ruffians, it doesn't mean that you have to be one too. Your approach is the only thing
that can get you the kind of response that you want.

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I don't think that it is very sensible to decide all of the sudden that you would like to use the Internet to
get a date. By just entering a chat room and saying "I'm available" you are merely putting yourself up
for sale, and will most likely not get the results you desire.
One point that all of us have to understand is that in a chat room, all are equal. Do not go by the
misconception that entering a chat room is like sauntering into a ball room dressed in your best. Then
everyone turns to stare at you and the most eligible person (read that as the sexiest person of the
opposite sex) catches your eye and makes his or her way towards you.
That kind of thing happens only on James Bond movies and we all know that James Bond never goes in
for a serious relationship. It's all fun and games for him.
Where Do You Start?
The first tip we would like to give you is NOT to go straight away into a singles' chat room and try to
find somebody who would interest you. All of us know that most of such chat rooms are virtually
flooded with people who have only one thing on their mind - sex. So, no matter what you ask for, it
always ends up in that and the purpose is defeated. You will never get the kind of person who kind of
matches your interests and tastes.
Sometimes it can really get quite infuriating. Everything starts off well. You are having a nice
conversation with a person and warming up when all of the sudden, the topic moves towards the three
letter word. You let out a sigh and either has to bar messages from that person and risk the person bad
mouthing you in a public chat room. Usually you have to leave the chat room all together.
In other words, it is the easiest thing to get someone to sleep with you but if you are looking for
something more enduring, like a partner for life, then you are going to have to be a little more patient.
The pick of the litter is not easy to find. But you do find it; it is going to be worth the effort.
So instead of going into a singles' chat room, what you could do is, you could try the whole thing out
from a different angle. You could try working backwards.
More than Looks
Sit for a minute or two and try and think about the things that interest you and
things that you would find interesting in a person.
By 'things' over here I am not referring to physical attributes. I am not referring to
something that might interest you in a person's physical appearance. Again the
distinction has to be drawn between a serious relationship and a casual relationship.
In a casual relationship, the importance is always for the physical attributes. We are
more concerned with what the person looks like and what the person has been
endowed with.
On the other hand, if we have a serious relationship, then the physical qualities are not so important.
Compatibility is probably the most important factor over here. Along with that there are certain
qualities that obviously we will be looking out for. We are talking about qualities of the mind. After all,

35
beauty is only skin-deep!
This idea might sound strange, but it is actually true. The idea is that it is possible to grow to like the
looks of a person. Once you find the character of the person agreeable you will start liking the person as
a whole. It is entirely possible to fall in love with a person if the person does not look like a movie star.
That is one of the tricks that nature plays.
There are many people who insist on taking a look at the other person's picture before actually
committing to a relationship. They might have their reasons of course, but I, for one, feel that such a
decision based largely on looks is more suitable for a casual relationship. It is bound to sizzle off after
some time. After all, how long can you keep staring at a person? And what happens if the person doesn't
stare back at you?
Or even worse, what happens if you find the person staring at another person? Looks may be important,
but they certainly are not the most important thing and should never be used as the deciding factor if
you are thinking about a serious relationship.
Common Interests
A human being is not like a piece of
glass though which you can look and
see the other side. A human being is
more like a diamond, which when
held against light reflects and deflects
light so that a myriad of colors are
seen. We're complex.
We have a lot of interest and the
interests of one person need not
match with the interests of another.
But thankfully the interests are not as
numerous as human beings. So we
are bound to find a lot of people who
share our interests. And if we can
find someone like that, then our
search should end there. So, what are your interests? That is something for you to find out.
Mind you, you might have to do some serious thinking before you level down you preferences. There
might be a lot of things that you enjoy doing but about which you have given a second thought.
Your interests could be something like sports or outdoor activities. Or you could think of interests like
social work or cross-words or religious interests. Keep the ball rolling; please understand that the words
I have listed here are mere suggestions.
Your tastes and interests could be very different. So let them be. And once you have decided on what
your interests are then half the story is done.

36
What Interests You In A Person?
This is probably the more important part of the story. Each one of us has to sit and think about what we
would like in another person. Having the same interests doesn't necessarily mean that you can get along
with a person.
For example, if you a person who likes to talk a lot, it doesn't mean that you could like another person
who likes to talk a lot as well. If two people try to keep talking at the same time then obviously, there
cannot be any dialogue.
So also, if you are the silent reserved type and the other person too is the silent reserved type, the there
will hardly be any dialogue at all! The word over here is "compatible." The interests of partners should
complement each other and not clash.
Keyword Searches
So now that you have decided what is it that interests you in a person and what your interests and tastes
are, try such key word searches on a search engine like Google.
The idea over here is not to advertise yourself as a person who is in search of a life partner. No matter
how well you put it, it looses that touch of subtlety once you are in a singles' chat room. So don't do it
that way. You remember how we spoke about working backwards; this is how it is done.
We will tell you how to project yourself best in a later chapter but for now let us talk about finding Mr.
Right or Ms. Right. An interesting thing to be noted here is that it is not difficult to fall in love with a
person or to make a choice. The difficult part is to make the right choice and to fall in love with the
right person.
Likes Vs Dislikes
The second thing that you could do is chalk out a list of qualities that you genuinely dislike in a person.
Yes I am not joking! Dislikes are just as important, or even more important than likes. We all have to
make compromises here and there, but if we start away by condoning things, which we genuinely
dislike, it is going to tell on the relationship at sometime or the other.
I would like to give a word of caution over here. A lot of people make a mistake when they are courting.
They put up their best behavior, which is very good of course, but they try to be very adjusting and
accommodating which is NOT very good. A point that they tend to over look is that they are not going
to be going on a camping trip with this person that they are trying to impress; they are going to be living
the rest of their lives with the person.
So it is best not to be very "oh so very accommodating and adjusting."
You can afford to stick to things that you are very particular about. And if you have any thoughts that
you will be able to mold the person out of his or her offending habits at a later date, forget it.

37
The moment you start trying to mold or cajole the person out of his or her habits, whatever they may be,
the word becomes 'nagging' and if at all the person does drop the habit, he or she will love you less for
it.
It really doesn't work that way. So it's best to have a clear idea about qualities and habits that you
genuinely dislike in a person and steer clear of the 'lesser mortals' who have those habits.
Once you have a fairly clear idea about your likes and dislikes you are in a better position to make the
right choice. And considering the multitude of people out there, you do not have to worry or be over
anxious that you just might not find any one at all. He or she is out there, and if you are doing what you
are doing right, namely barking up the right tree you will succeed.
There are some people who even believe that every thing is ordained. It has been written down who
should marry who and in the end only that which should happen will happen. Well, I don't know about
that, but I do know that dating helps speed up the process.
Another thing that you could do is that you could just let nature take its course. Oh nature has its
wonderful ways. There is a lot of chemistry involved in the selection of partner so maybe the best thing
we could do is lend nature a helping hand.
Friends First
Try to look at this endeavor not as a prospective
husband/wife hunt but as an effort to make a lot of friends,
and I mean good friends. Friends that you can laugh aloud
with, friends who make you laugh. Not everyone can make
us laugh, and when I say laugh, I am not referring to some
comedian. We are talking about friends here.
It really does pay to have a lot of friends. It makes ones
life richer. The best thing about friends is that you can be
yourself with them. And they too can be themselves with
you. And that means letting it all out. We must remember
that apart from being the dutiful husband or wife, your
spouse should be your best friend as well.
That is one mistake that most couples make. They tend to
look upon their friends and their spouses as separate.
While it is perfectly ok to have your own friends, your best
friend should always be your husband or wife.
It should be someone you can share your dreams and fears
with, someone who understands, someone who can give
your hand a gentle squeeze when things go wrong and
someone who can brighten up your darkest day.
All this is a very far cry from sex right? That is why we did mention earlier that looks and sex should be

38
the last criteria in the selection of a life partner. The marriage proposal must come as a natural sequence
and it should by no means be the first thing that comes out as soon as you warm up to a person. You
cannot very well say something like, "hey, you know what, I think we have the same tastes so let's get
married."
You can say that of course but it would not be in very good taste. So what do you do if you discover
that one of the friends that you made and the one who you were keeping your fingers crossed about is
already married?
Do you have a car? Then the answer is simple, just run over that person's spouse and remove the
unwanted element, right? Wrong! It is just not done. You can still be friends with that person and shift
your attention towards another direction. Who knows, you might even find a better person. All you have
to do is shuffle your cards and deal them out again.
I hope you have got the hang of what we meant by working backwards now? Good. There is another
catch involved in this process. There is a chance that one of the friends that you made may have read
this book too and maybe the proposal may come from the other end.
If it does, then well and good; for it saves you the ritual.
Mr. Right and Ms. Wrong
But then, what if the person who proposes to you wasn't really what you had in mind? Well, the choice
is yours of course; you can take it or leave it. But there is a point worth considering over here. If we can
find someone that we love that is good, but if we find some one who loves us, isn't that better?
But I would also like to add a word over here. Suppose some one does come and propose to you but
unfortunately, you are not in the least interested? You have every right to turn the proposal down but
please do it gracefully. There is no need to hurt the other person's ego. This person is obviously a friend
of yours, and surely you care deeply for them. However, if you know that you cannot marry this person,
a turned-down proposal is better than a divorce.
Try to explain your feelings in the gentlest way possible.
Step 2: Making Yourself Look Like A Million Dollars
Nobody is perfect in this world but that does not mean that we cannot try to look our best. There is
absolutely nothing wrong in giving nature a helping hand. Work on your image, work on your profile,
and work on your appearance.
Many people go by the philosophy, "this is me, whether you like it or not it's your problem. I am not
going to change." Well, nobody is asking you to change, but what are you trying to do? Scare people
off?
Well, the fact is, such statements are just a manifestation of your own insecurity. We all have a certain
degree of insecurity, some people more than others. It is this insecurity that makes us sound gruff and
uncaring when it comes to improving our appearances.

39
Come on, what are you afraid of? I'll give you a tip. Whatever you are afraid of, others are afraid of the
same thing. In this world, most people are neither for us nor against us. They are thinking about
themselves.
Presenting oneself is an area that requires a lot of work, but surprisingly, this is the one area which
people tend to neglect the most. Most of us have a laid back attitude when it comes to painting a picture
about ourselves. When it comes to presenting yourself we really have some work to do.
If we knew you on a more personal basis we would have loved to help you to chalk out a profile of your
self that would be as impressive as possible. But of course, it is impossible to know all our readers on a
one to one basis.
But you do not have to worry because we have done a lot of study in this regard and once you follow
our directions, you can indeed come up with that dream profile.
The Dream Profile
One cannot take too much effort in preparing a
profile. It is something that should be viewed in
all seriousness. Please do not treat the subject
lightly. Imagine that you are preparing for a job;
won't you spend a lot of time getting your resume
ready?
Well, most of us take up jobs for how long, four
or five years? And how about a relationship,
definitely we do not embark on a relationship
with the expectation that it would last for just a
couple of years.
We have to understand that a relationship is
really worth much more than a job, because it is
probably the most important decision in your life.
So now let us discuss ways in which you can
spruce up your profile.
You can of course get a professional to do the job
for you since it saves you the effort. You may have to dish out a small amount of course, but it could be
worth it. There are many people who have qualms about including a picture in the profile. Well, I don't
want to press the issue. It certainly does look better to have a picture in your profile, but due to privacy
issues you can refrain from including a picture.
The best thing you could do is once you are comfortable chatting with a person and are convinced that
this person does not have any devious intentions, you could send your picture over as an attachment or
a file. But this, too, is best done a mutual exchange basis. It would be unfair if you know what the other
person looks like but the other person is kept in the dark and vice versa.

40
The Face in the Mirror
Now, coming to the picture as
such, if you are sending over a
picture of yourself, for heavens
sake, send over a decent
picture. It should be a recent
one and please do not make
any compromises about the
quality. Get a professional to
do the job for you and with the
digital techniques of today,
they can do a very impressive
job.
At the same time do work on
your expression before the
photograph is taken. Stand in
front of your mirror and try out various expressions till you get something that you think is the best for
you. And remember that it has to be a picture of you smiling. You should not have the classic hang dog
expression, or the "butter-will-not-melt-in-my-mouth expression". Smile, it costs you nothing and it
really lights up a person's face.
Now, the first thing that you should do is take out a pencil and paper and write down the raw details
about yourself. By raw details we are referring to things like you age, your height and your weight.
This is the skeleton of which we are going to work on. And when we have added enough flesh and
blood to this backbone, why even you will be impressed by your profile! But first let us steer clear of
certain pit falls into which most people fall.
The Modesty Pitfall
Most of us have been trained to be very modest. When it comes to saying something good about our
selves we feel very queasy about blowing our own trumpet. Right, no body is asking you to do any
trumpet blowing but facts have to be stated as facts.
If you are a music lover and have a good voice too, I can't see why you can't put it down like that itself.
Why can't you declare simply without sounding very proud that you have good voice? A pointer that
you could bear in mind would be to add something like, "My friends think that I sing rather well."
There now, you can't feel too bad about something as simple as that. It is as good as saying "some
people think that I sing well, but it is for you to decide whether I have a good voice or not." Similar
statements that you can work on and even add are given below.
• "Lots of people appreciate my cooking."

41
• "I am no Rembrandt, but I enjoy painting."
• "I like decorating, and many of my friends think that my tastes are not too bad."
So go ahead, if you really have a talent, you might as well as let others know about it, after all a talented
person would any way like to be appreciated by a partner.
While we are talking about modesty, there is one question that I want to address right now. It is
something that all of us are familiar with. If you have chatted with a stranger with whom you are trying
to build a rapport you must have been confronted with the question before. The question is "what do
you look like?'
I have often wondered about the sense of this question. The best answers that I could come up with are
"I look like a cross between an orangutan and a Tasmanian devil" or "I have my mother’s teeth, my
father’s nose, my uncle's eyes and my roommates' shoes."
But of course we cannot give such answers which funny though they might sound, might just rub the
person in the wrong way. What the person actually means is, "are you good looking or not?"
A very tricky question indeed! How can you answer such a question with out sounding either super
modest or extremely vain? The answer to that is not to tell them the answer directly. You can say
something like:
• "I am as fresh as peppermint."
• "I look like a bunch of fresh lilies."
• "I have the appeal of a bowl of fresh fruit."
If the person still does not take the hint, then give them a detailed description of ever inch and let he or
she decide for himself or herself.
The Braggart Pitfall
Bragging, as we all know, is a major turnoff. So it is best to
steer completely clear of it. This is especially true in the case of
physical attributes. You might be one hell of a looker, but let the
other person decide, remember that what wine is for Peter can
turn of to be venom for Paul.
You can make implied statements like, "I am certainly not a bad
looker," or "opinion is divided, some people think that I am
good looking while others think that I am not." But perhaps the
best way of describing yourself would be to add a touch of
humor to it.
If you are chubby you could say something like, "I am round in all the right places…I hope." If you are
tall you could say something like, "some say I should play basketball." If you are on the short side you
could say something like, "I might seem to lacking in size but I assure you, it is all there."

42
You know what is the best part about such witty remarks about oneself? Humor always works. All of us
have been blessed with a sense of humor to some degree at least and if a person is able to make funny
comments about himself or herself, that always acts as a turn on. And you can take my word for it;
humor sells like a billion dollars.
The Hackneyed Pitfall
We have seen and heard other people describe
themselves and these kind of descriptions sort
of sink into our heads. The moment some one
asks us to describe ourselves, we start off by
using such hackneyed phrases.
I think it is much better to completely steer clear
of hackneyed phrases. It makes us look like just
another face in the crowd. Tell me, unless you
have an identical twin, have you ever seen any
one who looks exactly like you?
Then why on earth should your description of
yourself sound like a banal organ that has been played again and again. Try to sound as original as you
can. Make yourself sound interesting.
Try to use as many similes and comparisons as possible. If you are blonde, well don't just say that you
are blonde. You could descriptions like, "My hair is the color of freshly harvested hay."
If you are a brunette you could say something like:
"My hair color would make a raven blush." If you have red hair, you could try something like, "My hair
is like the setting sun."
Another point that I would like to add is you do not have to belittle yourself. Every coin has two sides
and it all depends on the way you look at it. For example, if you have dark skin, there is absolutely no
reason to feel bad about it. It all depends on how you put it across. You could try expressions like, "If
you like chocolate then you are going to love the color of my skin." Or "My body looks like polished
wood."
Remember, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, and it is left to you to convince the beholder. Most
people are willing to believe what you tell them, provided you tell them convincingly enough.
The Boredom Pitfall
Try to make yourself sound as interesting as possible. I mean it. If you are painting a self portrait you
might as well use the right colors. Before we leave our homes what do we do? We all spend at least five
minutes in front of our mirrors in an attempt to make our selves look as presentable and as impressive
as possible.

43
Well, the same thing applies to our profile. Remove all drab
details about yourself that might be of no interest to the reader. If
you job is something like editing journals on the etymology of
words derived from ancient Aramaic, well, just say that you have
an editing job.
Similarly try to bear in mind that anything can be put down in two
ways. You can either make it interesting or boring; so work on it
until you are sure that it will not bore a reader to death and the
best test for this would be to hand it over to a close friend and ask
that friend's opinion. Nobody likes a bore so take all efforts not to
sound like one.
The Vagueness Pitfall
At the same time what ever you put down about yourself must not be confusing. It just does not work to
put down a statement like, "while I am not really given to sports, nor am I considered to be an outdoor
person, I have developed a passing interest in watching football, and have had my stints with Terra
firma."
Phew! If, anything drives people away, statements like this certainly do. For Heaven's sake avoid
phrases like "I am different," especially when you are talking about your appearance. The other person
will in all likelihood conjure up images of a three horned monster or a lion tailed monkey.
Another example is when you use phrases like, "I don't play by the rules," or "I am game for something
new." These expressions can be hopelessly misleading and it is the easiest thing in the world to add a
sexual innuendo to such an expression and that would be a sure shot method of biting off more than you
can chew.
Now that we have discussed the major pitfalls, let us go the real profile. The reason I said real profile is
that the profile must indeed reflect the person you are.
The Web of Deceit
While you might take some care to conceal your identity it is best not to lie.
Do not try to bluff your way through a relationship because at sometime the whole thing might come
out and as we all know, one lie leads to another and then before you know it the whole relationship will
crash. Be as honest and as frank as you can, taking care to conceal your identity.
Some one once said that a friend is some one who knows all about you and loves you just the same. So
there is no need to hide things about you. Of course you do not have to tell the person every ghastly,
gory detail about yourself, but at the same time you do not have to conjure up stuff about you that just is
not true.
If at all you do paint a very rosy picture about yourself, including things that just are not true, or are far-

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